/3 April 2000
WWF RAW is WAR
WWFE 16 7/8 (+
SMACKDOWN!: I THINK I'm going tonight...it all depends on our collective ability to seek out WWF production folk (who can be quite receptive to begging in the right circumstances) between now and showtime. If I do, you'll see an Extra Special Spoiler Report tomorrow around this time. And if I don't, hey, you'll see me get a lot of extra sleep. Either way, I'M A WINNER!
BLATANT PLUG #2: I'm EXTRA excited that E.C. Ostermeyer has made it to the big leagues with his WCW Saturday Night report - lately, this has been the BEST WCW show on television (despite Vince Russo's low opinion of it) and E.C. does a *superb* job of giving you the lowdown on what happened if you didn't catch the show. Give him a shot if you haven't already!
RADIO RADIO: Ron & Fez will talk wrestling with MEEEEEE Wednesday on WNEW and WJFK at 1am! In addition to breaking down WrestleMania (or maybe putting it down, who can say?), I hope to share some of my (cross fingers) SmackDown! experience one night before the show airs on UPN...also, let's get some calls and emails! Hit Ron & Fez at ronandfez.com and give THEM some support in thanks for all the support they've given the WrestleManiacs!
BLATANT PLUG #1: To celebrate the two year anniversary of WrestleManiacs, Andrew F. prepared a special column that went under the the radar last week - here's the link again http://www.wrestleline.com/columns/crz/dummies.htm - if you would like to contact Andrew, his email address is email@example.com. I kinda think that this "kayfabe breaking" kinda defeats the purpose of being a loyal reader, 'cause longtime readers already KNEW all this stuff - it's like a long-term relationship with you and me, you see? But people have seemingly ALWAYS been asking me to prepare a document like this...unfortunately, I'm REALLY lazy, so big ups to Mr. F. for taking the time to put it together, then accept a few corrections before submitting this most recent version. Can "updates" be far behind? Let Andrew (and WrestleLine) know if you're interested!
SHORT EDITORIAL: If you ever needed a reason why I don't give out match ratings, you need look no further than the latest Scott Keith argument settler....that lad hands out more snowflakes than the director of your garden variety Very Speical Christmas Episode of "Happy Days." Hey, it's great to LIKE a match - it's great to ENJOY a match - I do a LOT of both, myself - but if you're going to give out star ratings, try to get at least a ONE hand grip on reality. Please. For the love of Meltzer...please.
PLEA: Once again, I'm going to start trying to find my "lost" PrimeTime Wrestling and Monday Night RAW reports from 1992-1994, but I need your help. If you happened to run one of the r.s.p-w FTP sites where I may have copied over the old reports, can you get in touch with me? Also, if you happened to VISIT one of these sites back in the day - or, hell, if you managed to pull the reports off r.s.p-w when I originally submitted them and STILL have them on a hard drive somewhere for whatever reason - double hell, if you find yourself handling five-year old backup tapes for UC Riverside or CSU Stanislaus, give me a buzz and help BRING BACK HISTORY! Unfortunately, I missed out and took my first hiatus JUST when the first pro-wrestling Web sites started up, so I don't think Mark Long's got them tucked away somewhere...hmmm, maybe I should write him too...
ON THAT NOTE: Hey, it's two years for me *this* week! I feel like pointing out that two years was actually my "burnout benchmark" back in '94 - and back THEN, I only did ONE hour of television a week! How could I POSSIBLY have been burned out back then? Well, I *seem* to recall the shows really sucking, but maybe that was just my fuzzy memory...also, I was unemployed and living with my parents, so there you go.
AND, FINALLY: Lest you think I'm TOO wrapped up with myself.....hey, I'm not gonna change YOUR mind with words, at least not this week, so... ON WITH THE SHOW!
TONIGHT: Live from Los Angeles, Rikishi takes on the Big Show! Euro title on the line as Chris Jericho meets Eddie Guerrero! And, oh boy, the McMahons are in the house and they'll be chatting with us!
Another TV-14-DLV ratings box, another year of One World Leader
Attitude - WWF!
Closed captioned - Opening Credits
BOOM! BOOM! SHWOOOOOOOOOM! BOOM! WE ARE LIVE from the Staples Center in Los Angeles, CA 3.4.2K and one question is on everyone's mind - why did Mr. McMahon screw the Rock? Well, that and why was that Kat fight longer than two minutes?
SKIPPY walks out to "No Chance in Hell" to begin the evening's festivities. "I would like to publicly apologise to my father, Vince. You see, I have always admired and revered my father in the past. But what happened last night was truly my father's GREATEST accomplishment! You see, it made me so proud - I was so proud to be his son - I was so proud to bear the very name 'McMahon' for what my father did. Dad, I just want you to always know one thing - that no matter what, your son will always love you very very much. And it's because of love that I would like to continue what you started at WrestleMania - you see, tonight... ["ass hole"] ...you see, tonight, if he's up for the challenge, In This Very Ring, Shane O. Mac would like to go one - on one with the Great One himself. So how 'bout it, Rock? Whaddayasay? How 'bout it Rock, are you up for the challenge? Come on, I wanna know!" But instead of the Rock, it's the HAPPY HELMSLEY FAMILY - Stephanie managing to sell the beatdown given her by the Rock last night. Shane and H exchanging looks - but Stephanie's going to speak. LUCKY US!! "Shane...I'll never forget or forgive what the Rock did to me last night. I mean, I'm a WOMAN! I'm a hundred and thirty-five pounds - I mean, yeah, I slapped the Rock, but - but he DESERVED it! And - I certainly did NOT deserve the Rock Bottom...OR the People's Elbow...I mean, my back - my neck - my chest is SO sore...I feel like I've been in - in a skiing accident! Any normal woman wouldn't even be out here right now. ["Slut"] No, Shane, I appreciate your anger and your feelings towards the Rock--" "Appreciate this, though - THAT is my wife - yeah, your sister, my wife, my sweet little innocent frail wife - the Rock put his hands on her, NOW I WANT THE ROCK'S ASS TONIGHT! No...no, don't get excited, not like that - not for the World Wrestling Federation championship - I've already proved to the world that the Rock can't beat me. I've already proved to the world that the Rock is not in my league. But Shane, this is a personal issue - Rock, this is a personal issue. An eye for an eye, Rock. You put your hands on my wife - you hurt my wife - now *I* will hurt YOU. Rock, if you have got the guts, man to man, I want your ass. So, Rock, what do you say? Are you a man?" Crowd: "Rock E!" But "No Chance in Hell" fires up again and out comes BILLIONAIRE VINCE. Shane makes a puppy dog expression, Stephanie makes a gushy expression, Triple H...well, we don't see him. Vince gives a "c'mere" smile and he and Stephanie are all hugs. Vince turns to Triple H - stares - and there's a handshake. Now looking to Shane - more of the puppy eyes - Shane offers HIS hand...and Vince takes it. Hugs! Hooray! RESET BUTTON!! WHO CARES ABOUT PLOT HOLES YOU CAN DRIVE A MACK TRUCK THROUGH? THIS IS THE WWF!! Anyway, Vince grabs the mic. "It appears as though, that, uh, we have a problem here. And that is that ...Triple H, you want the Rock tonight - Shane, you want the Rock tonight - but that's not the match that I had in mind. You see, the match that I had in mind for the Rock tonight (In This Very Ring) one on one was the Rock versus - *Vince* McMahon. Now I'm sure many of you would like for me to offer some sort of explanation as to why I scrambled the Rock's brains at WrestleMania. Well, since I don't have to answer, and don't answer to anyone, and all the rest of you do, and since you would like for me to offer some sort of explanation - quite frankly, I'm not inclined. Suffice to say, the Rock has a great deal in common with many of you in this arena - many of you in the Los Angeles are - let's face it. Because the vast majority of you are...vain - egocentric - and narcisstic! [I think he meant "narcissistic" - oh well] Come on, look around - look around, what you're gonna see is just a bunch of phony people - LOOK AT YOURSELVES! Come on, many of you have fake hair - fake teeth - fake BOOBS - a lot of you have undergone...lipsuction...facelifts...tummy tucks...my God, what kind of people are you, you're not real human beings! You're just a bunch of phonies! And I know that some of you are saying 'well, he's just talking about people in the entertainment business - he's not talking about ME.' ["Ass hole"] I hope our producer has the finger on the bleeper button 'cause I've never been called that word by so many assholes in m(beeeeeeeep -y life). So you must be saying to yourself, 'Mr. McMahon is not addressing me, I'm not in the ENTERTAINMENT business.'
quite frankly, you're probably worse, because since you're not in the
entertainment business, that probably means you want to be. You see,
you're what we call *bottom feeders*. You're waiting for some Hollywood
agent to come slithering up out of the commode to make you a star. Well,
just as I shattered the Rock's dreams of becoming WWF Champion at
WrestleMania, so too are all of your dreams destined to be shattered over
and over and over again by wanting to be a star. The Rock, himself, has as
much of a chance of becoming WWF Champion again as you do of becoming a big
Hollywood star - *no chance in hell*. So therefore, whether it's Shane
McMahon vs. the Rock tonight - whether it's Triple H vs. the Rock tonight
(nontitle) - or whether it's Vince McMahon vs. the Rock tonight - one of us
will attempt to not only defeat the Rock but drive him out of the World
Wrestling Federation completely and into a profession he's more suited for
- waiting on tables. I thank you very much."
Let me see if I can get the gist of the previous segment. Is it something like "Screw you! We don't HAVE to explain the storyline! It doesn't HAVE to make sense! You'll tune in anyway! You're a complete loser and an idiot! Here, join in the chant!" Zat about cover it, WWF? I'm not gonna tell you it's thinking like that that cost other companies THEIR dominance in the past...
Tonight, a European Title Match - Chris Jericho takes on Eddie Guerrero! Hardcore title on the line - WHEN HOLLYS COLLIDE! Intercontinental title on the line as Chris Benoit takes on Tazz! Titans clash when Big Show takes on Rikishi Phatu! We cut from the McMahons leaving the ring to
Backstage, a limo arrives - and the Rock exits it! Wow! He's WALKING! So, like he wasn't even IN THE ARENA when all these challenges were being made? Woof.
Here's a live look at the outside of the Staples Center where it's still daylight....yup.
THAT SLUT CHYNA comes out with her C-2000. Don't eat her like a woman!
CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with That Slut Chyna) v. EDDIE GUERRERO for the European championship - Champ enters first because tradition must take a backseat to the almighty storyline. Jericho gets no mic time but Eddie's got one with him. "Heyheyheyhey! Take it easy, Mamacita! I know you're here really 'cause you want some Latino Heat - I mean let's face it, last night you were practically coming out of your pants at the sight of me!" Kudos to Guerrero for being the first guy to make a reference to Chyna's pants splitting and falling apart last night - geez, don't ANY of these PPV recappers NOTICE stuff like that? "But I gotta set you aside today, 'cause I gotta focus on the European championship - see, I gotta make all my ancestors in *Spain* proud - so, dio Juanito, et Conchita, cousin Pampilla, this one's for you, baby." Ross: "I thought he was from El Paso!" Guerrero hits the ring and it's on - punches traded - in the corner, Guerrero with an elbow. Into the opposite corner, Guerreo looks to Chyna, then runs at Jericho, who drops and boosts him into the top turnbuckle. Running lariat. Chop, chop, chop, into the ropes, Guerrero up - and face first down. Powerbomb coming up - Guerrero rolls it through and tries to cover but Jericho rolls through THAT. Guerrero with a clothesline - then a dropkick to the head as he's lying on the mat. Another look at Chyna as we check the Castrol GTX Drivin' Hard Double Feature. Snapmare, Guerrero with a face grind. Into the ropes, up and over, leg lariat by Guerrero. Into the ropes again, HUGE sleeper by Guerrero. Jericho trying to fight it but fading...elbow breaks it, elbow, elboe, into the ropes - Guerrero with an abdominal stretch? Now back to the sleeper - Jericho turns into it and suplexes him out. Right by Jericho, eyepoke by Guerrero - Jericho sent outside - Guerrero follows. We cut backstage where a camera's on the floor of Stephanie's dressing room (?) - we cut back very quickly (oops) and back to the match. Jericho's head to the STEEL steps - Jericho manages an elbow, but Guerrero fires back with a right, chop, Jericho chops back, Guerrero chops, Jericho chops, Guerrero runs - the chase is on - Guerrero stops him with a thumb to the eye and a snapmare. Back in the ring we go - vertical suplex. Guerrero winking at Chyna, who gives the stone face in return. Guerrero going up top - for the frog splash? Well, Jericho gets out of the way, so Guerrero tumbles out of his landing instead, but Jericho catches him in a powerslam. Right, right, chop, into the ropes is reversed, knee by Jericho, running bulldog. 1, 2, no! Chop by Jericho, into the ropes, Guerrero puts up a boot. Off the ropes, Jericho hits a drop toehold and Guerrero collides with referee "Blind" Tim White - and he falls out to the floor! Jericho hits the DOUBLE powerbomb, then springs off the ropes with the Lionsault quebrada - but there's no ref. Crowd chants "1 - 2 - 3" - no dice. Chyna over to check on White - no movement - so SHE goes in and fast counts a 3 for Jericho. No bell, no music. Chyna raises Jericho's arm, then hits a GUTSHOT (or even lower, maybe) AND DDT! Guerrero placed on top of Jericho, and now she's out to roust White. Over to count - 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new European Champion. (5:39)
Chyna gives Guerrero the belt - and smiles. Eddie can't
believe it but after they shake their bonbons and hug - yep! Well, at
least Chyna can put her fluency in Spanish to good use. Arm in arm, they
are! What? You say it makes no sense? And you call yourself a WWF fan!
Clearly IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE!! Just say "Latino Heat" six or seven
times and you'll forget ALL ABOUT the fact that while Chyna turning on
Jericho MIGHT make sense given an awful lot of words, you can't even MAKE
that kind of leap to make her joining withGuerrero work!
WrestleMania encore presentation promo
Back in the dressing room, Stephanie asks Daddy if he's proud of her for being the Women's Champion. Then she turns to a heartfelt plea for Triple H to get the match with the Rock tonight - beside the fact that he's her husband and the WWF Champion, it only seems right that her husband be the one to fight on her behalf. "That's not your job anymore, Dad. I love you. Will you - will you think about it?" "Yeah, I'll think about it." Eww, right on the LIPS!
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago, where Chyna went from Jericho to Guerrero - what a slut!
ROAD DOGG & X-PAC (with Tori & "WWF Aggression" ad) v. T&A (with Trish Stratus - the fitness model) - Ross sends well-wishes to Bob Clark. Dogg rhymes like a ... limes. Albert and X-Pac start. Big spit in the eye, blinding Albert! Kick, right, elbow, into the ropes is reversed - GIANT PRESS by Albert, dropping him to the mat. Pound, pound, into the ropes, Dogg gets in some shots from behind off the reversal - one of them actually even appears to hit! Roundhouse kick by X-Pac - Castrol GTX Double Feature of the press and drop. Cover - 1, big kickout. Tag to Dogg, boot to the head, kick, into the ropes is reversed, duck, left, left, left, juke, jive, crotch chop for Stratus, but Albert ducks the right and hits the bicycle kick! Tag to Test - into the corner, do-si-do doubleteam whip and Albert splashes him. Whip into Test's big boot - 1, 2, X-Pac saves it. Into the ropes, head down, kick for Dogg. Full nelson into a uranage. Running big boot misses and he straddles the top rope. X-Pac with a kick on the outside as well. Tag - X-Pac chopping away. Right, Test first back, trading blows, Irish whip is reversed, charge misses, but Test catches a kick and slams him to the mat. Going for the pumphandle, but X-Pac goes up and over his shoulder. Belly-to-back suplex - tag to Dogg. Dogg off the ropes with a Bossman straddle, only with a 180 before he sits on him. Shot for Albert, now off the ropes with the wiggly wobbly woobly kneedrop. Albert breaks the count - now all four men are in and it's broken down. Big boot by Test, but Dogg backdrops him over the top rope. Albert has X-Pac up in the double choke, but Dogg clips him and there's the X Factor! Dogg covers as referee "Blind" Jim Korderas turns back around - 1, 2, 3! (3:35) D & X defeat T & A. Replay of the finish.
Backstage, Kurt Angle talks to Howard Finkel about his loss and general conspiracy victimness. "Kurt, the rules clearly stated that the Champion did not have to get pinned in order to lose his title." "So, what are you saying?" "Well, Kurt, I've got the utmost of respect for you, but quite frankly... you're no longer a champion." "You're right, I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. You're right, Howard. Thank you - thank you." Howard walks off...but not too far before Angle storms back into the picture and takes him down Backlund style! "I *AM* A CHAMPION! IT'S TRUE! IT'S TRUE!"
When we come back, Shane tells Vince that Stephanie is wrapping him
around her finger like she always does, and HE should be the one to take on
the Rock tonight. "All right - I'll work it out."
"RAW is WAR" is brought to you by FRAM!, 1-800-CAL-LATT, and Chef Boyardee!
TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ v. CHRIS BENOIT for the Intercontinental championship - Lockup, into the corner, Tazz punches out, Benoit chops, neither men relenting - back to the center, into the ropes, shoulderblock by Benoit, sliding under, Tazz catching him in a head and arm belly-to-belly Tazzplex that see Benoit land RIGHT on his head. Stomp, right, into the ropes, shoulderblock by Benoit, back elbow, chop, snap suplex, 1, 2, nope. Tazz a former Hardcore champion now. Benoit throws Tazz through the ropes and follows. Hard whip into the barricade, Tazz fires back with a kick, chop by Benoit, open-handed slap by Tazz, chop by Benoit, back into the ring, scoop - and a slam. Benoit off the ropes with an elbowdrop. Slap, kick, kick, double leg, SHARPSHOOTER! Ross actually calling it that, too! Benoit lets go of the hold. Eh? Stomp. Into the corner hard, Tazz puts up a boot - drop toehold by Benoit, WAILING away on the back of his head. Kick. Into the corner sternum-first - waistlock by Benoit, reversal, TAZZMISSION! Benoit's going out - and PERRY SATURN is *coming* out - climbing up to the top - Tazz shoves Benoit into the ropes, crotching Saturn. Tazz over to the corner - HEAD AND ARM SUPERPLEX! Saturn almost DIES trying to get footing to push himself off the top...damn. Tazz clotheslines Saturn out of the ring - then finds himself on the wrong end of a German suplex (with bridge). 1, 2, 3. (3:21) Benoit and Saturn walk off - Tazz runs up the aisle and puts Saturn in the Tazzmission! Benoit over to beat him off of his man - Tazz shakes it off and runs back again - again going for Saturn...as they brawl backstage...
Elsewhere, the gay cameraman has AGAIN found his way to Rikishi Phatu's ass. Please, no. Just - no. NO! No. Arrrrgh. And now they're WALKING!
Hey, notice how this 1-800-CAL-LATT ad doesn't involve the "Ready to Rumble" movie? Yup.
And now, the Castrol GTX Slam of the Week! From last night's WrestleMania, Jeff Hardy hits a twenty foot swanton bomb from a super-high ladder to Buh-Buh Ray Dudley and a table on the floor. Yeah, it's a great spot - but it ain't no FIVE STAR MATCH.
Backstage, Shane priases Big Show for his quick exit from the main event last night - well, maybe not like that, but...anyway, Show thinks it's "time for the Big Show to go Hollywood" Rugs will be cut, he's gonna cut loose, and all that. Hey, looks like he's going to take the SNL lead and let loose the goof!
MICHAEL KING COLE stands in the ring to introduce the new tag team champions - tonight, EDGE & CHRISTIAN enter through the normal means instead of through the crowd - and walking quite gingerly, at that - almost as if they were SELLING! Edge tells Cole to step off, they'll take it from there. Edge & Christian give a "we're really great" interview - well, Edge talks and Christian punctuates it every now and then with a line like "really, REALLY great" while Edge practices the Bischoffian technique of mouthing along. They realise that to have a great match, you need great opponents, and they ask "Matthew & Jeffrey" to please come out. So here's the HARDY BOYZ at the top of the ramp.
Christian asks for one more big round of
applause and the crowd complies. Edge: "Hey - don't hang those heads,
guys - pick those chins up, young bucks. YOU did a great *JOB* last
night." Christian: "There's no shame in being (makes the 'gun' hand
signal) SECOND best - or even (makes 3D sign) THIRD best, for that
matter." As the Hardys make it to the apron, the music starts up and here
come THOSE DAMN
DUDLEYZ - as the Hardys turn round to stare at the
Dudleys on the ramp, the Blondes waffles the Hardys with their belts and
take them down to the floor. Buh-Buh Ray and D-Von sidestep the carnage
and go right for Edge & Christian. Christian taken to the outside while
Edge gets 3D (Dudley Death Drop) - The Hardys hit the ring while Christian
collects Edge and they run off. All the refs try to separate the four in
the ring and have varying degrees of success. The Hardys' theme plays for
no apparent reason as the fight is still on - bring on the officials.
When we come back, the Big Show and Rikishi are NEXT!
"Don't try this at home" promo
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago where three tag teams hinted that it wasn't all said and done...yet.
Backstage, Chyna and Eddie are WALKING! EN ESPANOL DONDE SEA DISPONIBLE! They pile into an orange low-rider and drive off...
WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW (with "WWF Aggression" music and no Shane) v. RIKISHI PHATU (with Too Cool & RAW credits & TV-14-DLV ratings box) - Show trying to get his groove on as he enters the ring. In fact, Show's kinda getting excited to see Phatu and Too Cool dance - Phatu giving a quizzical look. Show tries to get first attach, but it's blocked. Rights by Phatu - into the corner, big boot up - Show with a clothesline that spins Phatu around. Show playing "guns". Show moonwalking. Show getting light on his feet. Show going for the Wurm - well, a VERY flat version of it, anyway. Crowd going nuts for it. Hoo - hoo - hoo - swinging elbowdrop misses as Phatu's long rolled out of the way. Show runs into a quasi-Samoan Drop. Phat ass splash. Big stinkeye. Sexay with a trademark cacklin'. Phatu hits a superkick - Show over to the ropes, where Sexay hits a hot shot - referee "Blind" Teddy Long calls for the bell (DQ 1:17) as Phatu hits a SECOND superkick, putting the Show down. Scotty Too Hotty in - and now he's going to show you the CORRECT way to do the Wurm, culminating in karate chop. Let's play their music because NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE! Show apparently watching all this on the outside - and pondering...
Wow! It's a door! And it says "THE ROCK!" A DOOR! AN - EXCITING EXCITING - DOOR!
Vince, Shane, Stephanie and Hunter have gathered. It's the family
routine - "whoever draws the short straw gets to face the Rock tonight."
Triple H takes a straw - Vince asks Shane if he wants him to pick or if HE
wants to pick. Shane says Vince can pick, so he picks - leaving Shane with
the short straw. Shane seems less than thrilled that he "won." After he
walks off, Vince says "You know, I *really* wanted to face him." Triple H
counters with "Oh, me too - but I tell you what, you NEVER let the guy
holding the straws pick second!" ...huh?
Back to the ring. "You know, all my life, people have been telling me what a great athlete I am. Hey, I know it's hard for you to believe but people have been tellin' me that I'm the biggest, baddest, meanest competitor in the business today! And it's true! They also say I'm a monster that's completely unstoppable - and you know what? They're right! But there is so much more to me than, that. I mean, you guys must have seen me on "Saturday Night Live," right? And then, you know that I'm a funny guy, right? I'm a talented guy! I'm ENTERTAIIIINING! But what I'm trying to say is that there is so much more to me - there's so much more to the Big Show than headbutts and *chokeslaaaaams*. I mean - just ask my fiancee - I've got layers upon layers - sometimes I feel like fighting - sometimes I feel like relaxing - and then sometimes....I feel like DANCIN'. So you boys in the truck...hit the music!" Too Cool's music plays and AWAY HE GOES! Well, he's kinda got it...crowd digs it, chanting "Go Big Show." Ladies and gentlemen, this is the closet we'll ever get to an instant face turn, so there we are.
Michael King Cole stands backstage with the Rock. "You know, it is amazing. It is truly amazing. With all the great decisions that Vince McMahon has made over his lifetime - the decision to expand the WWF in 1983 - the decision to create WrestleMania in 1985 - the infamous penis implant of 1991 - with every single decision you've made, Vince, after last night, with every accomplishment you've made - they all mean absolutely...nothing. Because last night, Vince McMahon, at WrestleMania, when the Rock was down, and you hit the Rock in the head with a STEEL chair not once but twice, and shattered the Rock's dreams - you did it all - the Rock says you made the single worst decision of a lifetime. And the Rock guaran-damn-tees as sure as tonight the Rock is gonna whip Shane McMahon's candyass, as sure as last night at WrestleMania the Rock Rock Bottomed that slut Stephanie... is as sure as the Rock is gonna make this promise to become WWF ... Champion. If ya smell...what the Rock...is cookin'."
WrestleMania encore presentation ad
Back in the dressing room, the members of Too Cool critique Show's performance - Sexay thought he was horrible, while Hotty was a bit more kind - proclaiming him "pretty good - for a big guy." Sexay piles it on - "that wasn't a worm, that was a whale!"
CRASH HOLLY (with Scale Holly) v. HARDCORE HOLLY for the Hardcore Championship - Ross reminds us that this title changed hands ten times last night - and they say that the title is devalued! Crash strikes, grabs the belt after Hardcore drops it and WAFFLES him with it, then goes outside for plundah. COOKIE SHEET! Cover - 2 . Into the ropes, reversed, facebuster on the sheet by Hardcore. HE goes outside and emerges with a push broom. Broken over the back. Using the stick repeated on him. Now going outside for the fire extinguisher - Crash slides outside - PSHHHHHWAAAA - 1, 2, no. Rolled back in the ring, Hardcore grabbing a chair - but Crash hits a gutshot and he drops it - a few rights - setting up the chair - Hardcore with a gutshot of his own - vertical suplex coming up - Crash scoots free - front suplex onto the chair - 1, 2, Hardcore kicks out. Off the ropes, clotheslined over the top rope to the floor. The ACOLYTES comes out as Crash grabs the bell, but Hardcore once again has the candy dish, which he breaks over Crash's head. Bradshaw hits a lariat on Hardcore, then puts him in the ring for both members of the APA (where's Mideon?) to work him over - double uranage, and Crash is placed on top - 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new Hardcore champion - and the first four-time champion. (3:02) Crash gives a handshake
to each Acolyte to let us
know he'd paid them off. As he walks off - he's pummelled from behind by
the MEAN STREET
who - go figure - end up fighting amongst themselves
while Holly gets away. Apparently, the 24/7 rule...will continue. Man,
what was the point of all the title changes if it just ends up on Crash
when it's all said and done? "It doesn't matter?" God, this WWF can
really get annoying sometimes....
Backstage, Shane dresses for the match - Triple H stops by to offer some advice, but can't think of any that Shane would be able to use, other than "Just watch out. Just remember it's the Rock and be careful."
Yow! Bill Kazmaier looks ready to re-sign with WCW! He can manage that "Big Jakes" guy
One more live shot from the Staples Center - the sun never really seems to go down with the hazy smog in the sky
Backstage, Big Show catches up to Grand Master Sexay. "Hey Brian, can I talk to you for a second? It's cool - it's cool. I just got a question - was my dancing really THAT bad?" "Well - it wa'n't that bad - but then again, it wa'n't that good--" so Show pounds him one, then splashes him through the table he's perched on! Then he grabs the glasses and dreadlocks hat and wears them. "I gotta go take a meeting with my agent - so *I* will catch you later!" Then he mocks Sexay's mocking of his chokeslam - now THAT'S layers!
BALD VENIS v. KURT ANGLE - "Hello, Ladies! You know something, the Big Valbowski--" just got interrupted by the music of his competitor. "This is one of the darkest days in WWF History - if not US History! It's true! To lose is one thing, but to lose two titles without being pinned - THAT'S ridiculous. I've received calls from parents telling me that their children were too depressed to go to school today, and quite frankly, I don't blame them! In fact, I'm not sure the WWF will ever survive without Your Olympic Hero as the Eurocontinental champion. In less than 24 hours, I've gone from owning two titles to being forced to wrestle a film star - the lowest form of life there is - and since I CARE about my body, and since I don't want to taint myself, it's only fair that I wear rubber sanitary gloves." Venis decides to attack him before he can finish putting the gloves on. Rights, stomps, standing on the neck - referee "Blind" Mike Sparks pulls him off. Into the ropes is reversed, head down, kick by Venis, right, into the ropes, back elbow, elbowdrop, off the ropes with the kneedrop, cover, 1. Knife-edge chop by Venis, chop, Angle ducks the short clothesline and puts on a waistlock, to the ropes, Venis shrugs him off, but Angle hits a clothesline. Venis pops up with one of his own. Right hand pastes Angle, another right, clothesline to the floor - Venis follows. Off the apron, but Angle buries a punch into the gut. Venis hard into the STEEL steps and Angle back in to celebrate. Hairpull (watch the plugs!) but Venis hot shots him. "USA" chant is confusing as Venis is Canadian and Angle's ostensibly the heel. Gutshot, DDT for Angle, cover, 2. Elbow to the small of the back. Another. Head to the buckle, into the corner hard, into the opposite corner even harder, vertical suplex, right, into the ropes, duck, head down, Venis hits a neckbreaker. Both men down - Angle tries an avalanche as Venis is in the corner but Venis puts up a boot. Right, right, right, into the opposite corner, follow lariat hits. Venis tries it again, and again it works - butterfly suplex! But only 2. Venis going for the fishermanplex - but apparently hurting his back. Angle with a right, right, setting him out to dry on the top (Venis almost falls off) - Angle climbing up to look for the superplex - Venis holds on and shoves him off - Money Shot...MISSES! Angle PROCURES THE CROSS FACE CHICKEN WING! Venis taps out. (4:15)
Shane stretches out - Vince pays a visit, and tells him "I gotcher back - okay?" Shane thanks him and gives him a hug. "Triple H gave me the worst advice - watch everything!" "That's GOOD advice! I got your back..."
Farmclubdotcom is next! NWA reunion - I thought that happened LAST
week? Hey, is it REALLY a reunion is *Arabian Prince* isn't there?
And now, the FRAM Trap of the Week - from WrestleMania, last night - Pete Rose tries one more time to take out Kane - and fails. Rose suffers a chokeslam from Kane and a stinkeye from Rikishi Phatu.
In case you were wondering, WWF Backlash is brought to you by Castrol GTX - and it's 30 April from the MCI Center in DC! And it's sold out!
THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE (with Paul Barrow) v. BULL BUCHANAN (with Big Boss Man) - Boss Man distracts Kane and Buchanan strikes from behind - rights and lefts - into the opposite corner, Kane springs out with a clothesline, uppercut, uppercut, into the ropes, big boot. Head to the buckle, into the opposite corner, Buchanan tries his "stand on the top rope and spring off with an elbow" but slips and drops. Kane with another uppercut. Into the corner, back elbow by Buchanan, right/clothesline/something that takes Kane down - Buchanan climbs the corner while Kane surprises everyone with a zombie situp - got him in the choke, but Boss Man is up on the apron - well, now he's down with a right from Kane - Buchanan off the top, landing in the choke - chokeslam! 1, 2, 3. (1:15) Too late, Boss Man is in - working him over with the nightstick - Buchanan out to help - cuffed to the bottom rope! Buchanan getting in some free shots - Paul Bearer tries a chair to Buchanan but it has no effect - Buchanan takes out Bearer with one right. Chair to Kane's hand, ceasing HIS choke of the Boss Man. With both men laid out, the men in black walk off... Hey, how about a replay? Whack!
The Rock is pacing around - his match is NEXT!
SKIPPY v. LA ROCA - Shane does a Rock impersonation, climbing the corner and inhaling deeply. BILLIONAIRE VINCE walks out soon after Shane - but referee "Blind" Earl Hebner won't let him into the ring. After a reminder of which one of them has the ability to fire the other, Vince is let into the ring, where he has some words for ring announcer LILIAN GARCIA. Rock is still in a sprintin' frame of mind as he hits the ring and manages to get a handle on Vince's blazer before he can escape. Ross says the Rock is pissed, and then the censor bleeps out the next few seconds having already missed it. Ah well. Rock still glaring at Vince, who tries to signal to Shane to jump him from behind - Rock turns around and Shane scatters, Rock outside - the chase is on - and Rock catches him at the top of the ramp, where I expect TREBLE H to emerge any minute now - ah, thank you very much. Right, right, STEPHANIE ONO is peeking out from behind the curtain as H punches Rock down the ramp and back to the ring. Rock falls to the floor following a KO blow. Hard whip into the STEEL steps. Apparently, Vince has been talking to Hebner this whole time...Rock put back in the ring and the opening bell sounds. Clothesline by Shane - second rope axehandle. Cover, 2. Rock up, right, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, Triple H pulls the top rope and Rock sails outside. H over to get a piece, but Hebner stops him. Behind his back, *Vince* comes over and clotheslines Rock over the commentary table. Got him again - rolled back in for Shane, who pummels away as Hebner continues to talk about the Microsoft decision with Triple H. Ross has told Lawler to "shut up" about fifteen million times this match - funny. Off the ropes, back elbow by Shane. H giving directions - Rock laid on the second rope, and Shane says to Hebner that HE'S got some opinions about the Microsoft decision if he'd like to talk to him - behind his back, Triple H all over the Rock. Lawler: "Good Lord you complain a lot. Why don't you quit whining and call the match?" Amen brotha! Hebner back around, Shane hopping up and down - right hand.
Shane with another right. That one actually hurt his own hand.
Shane with a flip-flop-and-fly right hand. Shane off the ropes - but Rock
catches him in a spinebuster! People's Elbow coming up? Well, Vince is on
the apron - Rock over to give him an overhand elbow, unfortunately taking a
piece of Hebner in the process. H is in - PEDIGREE! H trying to raise
Hebner while Shane has him covered - could have counted to THIRTY by now.
Trademark Hebner count coming up ........ 1................
2.................. shoulder up! Crowd is strong and loud. Vince in the
ring with the title belt as Triple H ties up Hebner - Shane holding up the
Rock - but he kicks Vince, wriggles free of Shane, right hand - everybody
scatters - H hits Rock from behind, then hits a right, kicking and stomping
away and even Hebner has to see what's going on by now. So H turns around
and shoves him to the mat. Standing on Rock's neck, choke, repeated
rights, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, H holds on - so Rock pulls
him into ROCK BOTTOM! Cover, leg hooked, Hebner counts 1, 2,
Ummm, Triple H wasn't the opponent. Also Rock shouldn't be posing with the
belt so as to confuse the fans into thinking he's won it again. Oh well,
who cares. Credits are up, one last WWF logo and we'll see ya
Thursday...if not tomorrow!