/10 April 2000
WWF RAW is WAR
WWFE 14 3/4 (- 2
TONIGHT: Euro title on the line in a return match! Rumours are flying that Triple H will defend the WWF title - yeah, right! Jim Ross has a feeling the Rock will have some words for us right at the beginning of the show - so don't get caught listening to Flair at 9PM!
One World TV-14-DLV Leader Attitude - WWF!
This show is Close Captioned! Here's the Opening Credits!
FEEL THE LIVENESS - holy cow that pyro's coming RIGHT AT ME! It's the National Car Rental Arena (if you don't have it back by 8, you pay for another day) in Ft. Lauderdale, FL 10.4.2K and Ross promises HELLACIOUSNESS!
Don't YOU tell the WWF they don't know how to counterprogram - LA ROCA *immediately* comes out to share a few words with you and I. "The Rock says...that he's gonna bring you back to last week, that very special footage of Vince McMahon...don't worry Vince, it's not the footage of you reuniting with Shane - it's not the footage of you, the Chinese midget, the nine hundred pound tuna and the pair of chopsticks [...the HELL?] - it is simply the footage of you at your best, and the Rock at his best." We pause for a chant and one more instance of Ross saying "hellacious," and then...
Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! where Vince clubbered Earl Hebner, preventing a three count for the Rock, Rock's subsequent chase of Vince up the ramp, and following right and chairshot.
Rock raises an eyebrow - he approves of the footage, I guess. "Now, the Rock just scrambled your brains - after that shot, after all the smoke had cleared, after all the dust had settled, after all the llamas anuses had been licked, the Rock says - the Rock says there's still one more shot that the Rock wants you to see. Vince, there's still one more shot that the Rock wants you to remember. He wants you to write it down, take a picture of it, frame it, put it above your mantlepiece and the Rock says he wants you to remember this picture...forever." It's a picture of Vince doing his mackerel impersonation with the Rock's foot on top of him. "There it is, Vince - plain as day - clear as crystal, the People's Boot on your unconscious candy...ass. Now after that shot, Vince, after all the humiliaition the Rock has put you through - after all the humiliation the Rock has put your jackass son through - and everything that the Rock has put your slut daughter through...after everything the Great One has done, he's done it all, the Rock says he still wants...more. That's why, tonight, in the middle of the People's Ring, the Rock WANTS his WWF title shot ... [pause for chant] - the Rock wants his WWF title shot right here in the middle of the People's Ring, right here in South Florida, and the Rock says he wants his title shot smack dab in the middle of the Rock's...home." Time for a counterpoint, as "No Chance in Hell" brings out BILLIONAIRE VINCE, with incredulous look on face and folding chair in hand. Vince actually steps in the ring, but it looks like we'll get an "asshole" chant and a few words first. Rock: "Now the Rock says three things are gonna happen. The first thing - you can put the chair down. The second thing - you can attempt to hit the People's Champion. Or the third thing, the Rock'll take that very chair, turn that sumbitch sideways and stick it straight up your candyass!" Vince mulls his options. "I'll put it down. You make one move toward me and I'll hit you so hard over the head, you're brains'll turn into crushed papaya, pal. Just try me! But as far as you wanting your title shot tonight...hey, look, Rock, I tell you what we're gonna do. In This Very Ring tonight, you will be given the opportunity that, should you be victorious against opposition named later tonight, then you will have the opportunity to once again be the World Wrestling Federation champion. All you have to do is be victorious in this ring tonight - in an unforgiving, fifteen foot high steel cage match - that happens to be hanging above your very head as I speak! Now, if you're the first man out of the cage or if in fact you pin your opposition, you'll be victorious, but Rock, let me make this very clear: no more gifts. I'm tired of giving. From now on, you EARN everything that you get. I don't appreciate that chant! You see, Rock, I think you have to say - somewhere, deep down, I think you gotta say, well, who am I and WHY am I who I am? I think you gotta go back to just about - well, a little over a year ago - who was it, Rock? Who was it who made you who you are? It wasn't you, and it damn sure wasn't the People! It was ME! *I* made the Rock! I was in your very corner, a little over a year ago, Rock, just remember? That's all - in your corner, at your side - you were the Corporate champion - not a very good one, but a Corporate champion nonetheless. How soon we forget, Rock. You have to ask yourself: oh wait a minute - sure, you would have been a star without Vince McMahon. I agree - the Rock would have been a star without Vince McMahon - but you would have NEVER have been a superstar! You would have achieved a certain level of stardom - matter of fact, if we take a little makeup - great big bulbous ball, put it on the end of your nose, you'da made a pretty good Doink the Clown! No, you would have! I mean, if we could take some feathers around Thanksgivin' time and sort of gingerly put them around your derriere, you might even have been a good Gobbledygooker - or, let's face it: you could have allowed yourself to physically go to hell, gain a buncha weight, grown some warts - you'd have made a great Bastion Booger, too. I know you would have. But because of me, you became not just a star - you became a superstar. Because of me (Vince McMahon) you were the host of Saturday Night Live. Because of me (Vince McMahon) you were a guest on the Tonight Show. Because of me (Vince McMahon) you've got offers for television and movies, and because of me, Rock you were a bestselling author. Because of me (Vince McMahon). All I'm saying to ya, Rock, if you can look back...people want to know why, Vince - why did you do it? It was simple - I was simply looking for one thing from you and I never got it. Just one thing. Rock - all I wanted was a
thank you. That's all. All I wanted you to do Rock, was
simply look me into the eyes - as a man - and say, 'thank you, Vince.'
[McMahon realises his hand is on Rock's shoulder and snaps out of it] But
that's why, since you never said thank you, that's why I chose
WrestleMania. That's why I chose the pinnacle of what we do for a living -
to sh- to humiliate you and show you exactly who you are. And that's why I
did it. Not one thank you ever. Do you know what I think, Rock? Do you
know who I think you are? Do you have any idea? Take a guess. Dammit,
talk to me when I'm talking to you! Answer me!" "Is that what you -
think?" "Yeah - I think you are an utter, complete - INGRATE. That's what
I think." "Well the Rock says - he wipes a monkey's ass with what you
think!" "And you know, that's something else again, I've been meaning to
talk to you about - what is this 'wipes a monkey's ass, licks a llama's
anus' - what is that? I mean, you're a little ordinary, un- - I mean,
you're kinda like, ah, I won't say pervert, but Rock, wait a minute. This
is strange. This is strange thinking, because you have this fixation. You
have some sort of fixation about the rectal cavity. That's not normal!
That's not normal at all Rock, but hang on! But not only do I think you
have a fixation on the rectal cavity - I think you really are fixated and
infatuated with what comes out of the rectal cavity. 'cause I'm talking
about - feces [he said "feeshes," but I don't think he meant fishies]. If
you could take the feces from all of these people in this arena here
tonight, over a 24 hour period, gather it all up - try to shine - well
that's one thing I know you can't shine. But if you take all that feces,
and put it in one giant pizza oven - then Rock, let me tell you, that is
EXACTLY what I and I believe everybody else, then we could TRULY smell what
the Rock is cookin'." Suddenly, "My Time" plays, and 'neath the
EntertainmentTron appear TREBLE H,
STEPHANIE ONO and SKIPPY. I should note
the WWF logo replaces the word "WWF" in graphics now - nice touch. As Rock
turns to look at the trio on the ramp, Vince attempts to sneak behind with
the chair - but Rock has eyes in the back of his head - gutshot! Chair to
the back! Vince falls out of the ring as H and Shane attempt to get to the
Rock - then think better of it. Play Rock's music! Vince oversells his
back. When we come back, tag titles are on the line! We promise not to
waste another twenty minutes on mostly interviews! Honest!
Sammy Sosa's creepin' me out, man. "Es so *reeeeeeeeeeel*."
Hey! Iditarod tomorrow! Paul Ellering?
Exterior shot of the NCR
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago where Rock swung a mighty chair
ROAD DOGG & X-PAC (with Tori - and the Kings) v. CHRISTIAN & EDGE (you think you mow him) for the tag team championship - Road Dogg needs to consult the Genius and get his poetry skills kicked up a notch. What DOES "two tears in a bucket" mean, anyway? Let Us Take You Back to WrestleMania and show you how these guys won the title. X-Pac spits in Christian's eyes to get the early advantage. Good thinking! Kick, right, elbow, into the ropes, duck, powerslam by Christaian. Right, right, tag to Edge, head to the buckle, into the opposite corner, boosted splash, spinning heel kick, 2. To the side headlock - X-Pac is up, powering out, shoulderblock by Edge - off the ropes, up and over, under, shot from behind by Dogg, spinning heel kick by X-Pac. Christian occupies referee "Blind" Mike Chioda while a vicious doubleteam occurs. Now they're trading blows. Off the ropes, ducked, left, left, left, juke, jive, right, wiggly wobbly woodly knee for 2 - Christian breaks it up - again the ref turns to him and again DX doubleteams him. Into the ropes, duck, double clothesline by Edge! Tag to Christian! Right to one, duck, right to the other, atomic drop, double noggin knocker, Edge takes Dogg out while Christian hits a gutbuster on X-Pac - Chioda's watching Edge grab Tori by the hair on the outside, and now Dogg's over to take advantage of the distraction, running Edge into the post. Back in the ring, Christian was watching all THIS, allowing X-Pac to hit him from behind. Into the opposite corner, but Christian sidesteps the followup and X-Pac crotches himself on the second turnbuckle. Tori on the apron while Christian goes for the Tomokaze - but Dogg is over with a tag belt - WAFFLE! X-Pac covers Christian and Chioda turns back to the ring - 1, 2, 3. Ooof. Ladies and gentlemen, we have new tag team champions. (2:49) Possibly the WEAKEST team to give the belts to, but there might be a story at play here - DX now control ALL the title belts in the federation (assuming that Benoit, Malenko and Guerrero are still holding a proxy for Triple H), so we'll see if that plays into anything coming up. Whoops, spoke too soon - EARL HEBNER is out to tell Chioda what happened. Chioda orders the match to continue. DX works a doubleteam on Christian - going for a double...
hell, I dunno. Christian flips out of it, then
shoves X-Pac into Edge's spear. 1, 2, 3. (another :19) Wow, when was
the last time X-Pac did the job?
Godfather sits with his women and ads if they're gonna light it up or what. Then they start WALKING!
In the local slot, the 10 July RAW is WAR is hyped. "Big Show - the Rock - X-Pac - Chyna - Kane - Triple H" - I'm a little surprised it isn't sold out already since it went on sale Saturday...?
"Earlier Today," Terri tells Kat she wants to treat her to "a day of beauty" by way of saying sorry. Hey, who smells a rat? Oh, that's fish, I apologise.
THA GODFATHA (with eight - no, four women - and Ice T) v. KURT ANGLE - "Grab your bitches?" Somebody alert the media! Hey, Angle's got a mic and he knows how to use it! "I'm glad that all of you are happy, and all of you are in such a great mood tonight. Because I would like to talk to you tonight about something that gives Your Olympic Hero great joy - the joy of celibacy. Oh yeah, oh yeah. The three I's are great; the three I's are tremendous. But the reason why I've had so much success in life - the reason that I am the man I am today - is from the big A - abstinence. Oh yeah, oh yeah. And unlike many of you people here tonight, Your Olympic Hero abstains voluntarily - it's true, it's true. Which leads me to tonight. Godfather, you come out here week after week and you parade your filth and debauchery - oh yeah, debauchery. So tonight, I have a little surprise for you. Godfather, THIS is called a prophylactic. And I strongly suggest that you start to use it. And I have a little nursery rhyme for all you children out there - something that even the Godfather can understand. 'You can prance, and you can dance, but when if comes to relations - keep it in your pants." Godfather decides that now's the time to kick and we're off. Right, right, stomp, into the ropes, Angle ducks, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, big boot by Godfather. In the ropes, biiiig back body drop. Scoop - and a slam. Off the ropes with the spin in place legdrop. Angle rolls outside and finds himself staring at a lotta breasts. Well, Godfather's outside so he shoves a pair into Godfather, but he catches him anyway. Right, right. Godfather holds him up for a slap from the ho. Rolled back in the ring, Angle slumps in the corner. Irish whip into the opposite corner, back to the first corner, and it's time once again for the Ho Train - but it misses! Back suplex by Angle - 1, 2, no! Ross thought that was the finisher but he's blind. Angle has some words with referee Mike "Tim White owed me a favour" Sparks while Godfather gets up - clothesline. Short clothesline. Another attempt misses - THERE'S the Olympic Slam. 1, 2, 3. (2:03) Angle celebrates as only he can.
"Earlier Today" Kat and Terri board a limo - as it drives off, a low-rider drives up - Eddie Guerrero and Chyna exit it and get all Latino on us.
Scotty Too Hotty, Rikishi Phatu and Tazz are WALKING! After giving a shout out to the Grand Master, we are forced to endure the ass-cam. Please. Don't do that.
Big Show tells Shane that last week was just the tip of the iceberg. Wait'll they get a load of this! "Am I living large and in charge or what?" Shane gives us a reaction but we'll have to wait until later to see what's off camera...
SCOTTY TOO HOTTY & RIKISHI PHATU
and TAZZZZZZZZ v. CHRIS BENOIT &
DEAN MALENKO & PERRY SATURN - Let Us Take You Back
to Last Week where Big
Show took out Grand Master Sexay (for purposes of storyline) - he'll be out
about six weeks with a knee injury. Benoit and Taylor start - lockup, arm
wringer, reversed, to the mat, springs up, reversed, side headlock, into
the ropes, Hotty knocks him down. Off the ropes, Hotty goes back to back
and flips up off of him. Shot blocked, belly-to-back suplex, he nips up
and starts moonwalking, but Malenko comes in and CLOBBERS him from behind.
Smartest wrestler alive! Malenko pounds away on him while Saturn distracts
referee "Blind" Jack Doan. Off the ropes, patented heel kick. Tag to
Saturn, both mean beat him down. Into the ropes, forearm by Saturn. Shot
for Tazz to bring him in and Saturn puts a knee in Scotty's face. Over his
back - and run into the unfriendly corner. Tag to Benoit, stomp. Right,
snap suplex, tag to Malenko. Into the opposite corner sternum first, going
for a belly-to-back, but Hotty flips out and lands on his feet. Waistlock,
standing switch, rollup, 1, 2, Hotty kicks out and Malenko hits the
turnbuckle hard. Hotty crawls over and makes the tag to Phatu. Right,
Benoit and Saturn go down to a double clothesline, superkick for Malenko,
Saturn whipped into Malenko, Benoit whipped into Saturn, clothesline for
Benoit, one for Saturn, and Malenko gets the stinkface. Phatu ready to tag
out but Benoit hits him from behind and he falls out. It's all breaking
down now, Katy bar that door 'cause it's a Pier Six Brawl. Tazz and Saturn
go outside while Hotty manages the bulldog on Malenko, then makes his "I'm
about to do the Wurm!" face - and here it is. Hi-ya! Benoit in - block,
right, superkick from Phatu. Hotty whips Malenko into the corner - Phatu
warms up Taylor's rump and whips him into a butt splash. Phatu's ready for
HIS version but Benoit's got the ankle and trips him up. Now he's outside
and they're brawling again. Inside the ring, Hotty's actually managed to
put Malenko in his own finisher, but Doan's arguing with Tazz and misses
Saturn coming off the ropes with a forearm smash. Malenko covers and gets
the pin (3:52). Why was Tazz even
Triple H, Steph and Shane - are - WALKING! Who gets the title shot? We'll find out - NEXT!
Earlier Today, Terri introduces Kat to Francois, then offers to get her a spiked drink. Ooooooooooh! I can't WAIT to see how THIS turns out! (Well, maybe a *little* bit.)
Castrol GTX brings you WWF Backlash 30 April - DRIVE HARD!
TREBLE H (with Skippy & Stephy) v. ? for the WWF Championship - Champion enters first because it's a MYSTERY opponent already. Ring announcer LILIAN GARCIA forgets H's weight but bluffs her way through it. I hope it's Gillberg again - I hope, I hope, I hope. We look to the back to see KAI EN TAI walk through the doors - back to see a smirk on H's face - back to see the APA behind Kaientai - back to H to see his mood dramatically change. The APA music plays as all four men come out. Garcia announces that "the former light heavyweight champion, Taka Michinoooku" is the opponent. In the ring, Shane and referee "Blind" Earl Hebner have apparently come to shovin' and McMahon's come out on the short end. The Acolytes his the ring and chase Shane to the back. The bell rings and Michinoku rushes him. Right, into the ropes, reversed, huracanrana by Michioku! Dropkick! Spinning heel kick! Bow and dropkick to the face - 1, 2, no! Right, right, into the ropes is reversed, H press him up but Taka dropkicks on the way down. Chop, chop, licks his hand for ANOTHER slap. Out of the corner is reversed, but Taka puts up a boot - second rope - H rushes him but gets caught in a tornado DDT - 1, 2, NO!! Here's the Castrol GTX Double Feature to show us what we missed - Shane shoved Hebner, who bounced off the ropes and shoved back. Knife-edge chop by Taka - off the ropes, head down, facebuster by Triple H. Clothesline to take him outside the ring. H goes outside and meets him, right, scoop, drop on the barricade -
Hebner warning him. Backhand chop, chop, rolled back in
the ring. Right, into the ropes, duck, high knee - leg hooked, but the
shoulder rolls at 2. In the corner, kick, kick, kick, kick, stomp, stomp,
stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp on the neck, STANDING on the neck, Hebner pulls
him off BY THE HAIR. H shoves Hebner, Hebner shoves back - again shoves
are traded. H turns back to Michinoku, right, block, chop by Michinoku,
open-handed slap, another, forearm smash, H goes to the throat with an
uppercut. Taka goes outside while a "Taka" chant fires up - and dies out
too soon. Oh well. H outside and running him into the STEEL steps.
Hebner is out yet again to try to get it back in the ring. H audibly says
"I don't give a fuck what you say," and avoids the mute, somehow. In the
ring, Funaki hits a baseball slide dropkick on H, who ends up accidentally
double clotheslining the Acolytes, who had their back to the action
ensuring Shane didn't come back. They slowly turn around - H slowly looks
up - the Acolytes give a manly beatdown to the WWF Champion, culminating in
a Bradshaw lariat. Thrown in the ring where Funaki is perched on the top -
missile dropkick! Michinoku in position for a moonsault kick - 1, 2,
KICKOUT!! EVERYBODY in the building thought he had it. Damn, that's just
CRAZAY. Now we see SKIPPY
back out, leading BILLIONAIRE
little chat with the APA. Inside the ring, Taka's leading a Ten Punch
Count Along which ends in a double sledge to the heart. Vince: "I'm not
trying to provoke you," but he HAS managed to get their backs to the
entryway, allowing BIG BOSS MAN & BULL
BUCHANAN to come up from behind with
weaponry, taking out the Acolytes. In the ring, Taka hits a missile
dropkick and now he's motioning for the Michinoku Driver! H blocks the
attempt, pounds the back, catches a 'rana attempt and powerbombs him.
Pedigree! 1, 2, 3. (5:53) Hot
damn, Triple H IS Ric Flair. H Pedigrees
Funaki for good measure. Shane rips the belt from Hebner's hands and
presents it to H. Here's the Christmas card pose from the McMahons and
Helmsley. On their way out, the Acolytes get a few bonus stomps from Shane
and H - and, wow, Faarooq gets a field goal kick from Vince! Wotta RACIST!
Yesterday, the "Big Red Machine" Kane funny car pulled a 4.983. Is that good? They've won four of their last five races, we're told.
Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! where we just avoided a Trish Stratus tabling.
Backstage, T&A and Trish (and the RAW credits) are WALKING! "Last week, these two had the nerve to put their hands on me? I think it's about time you put your hands on them - they're in there." "Okay - hi, girls!" After some noises behind the door, we see the Dudleys fly out. This brawl is all T&A . And we fade out - sheesh, what a nothing segment! Is this the price I pay for six minutes of Triple H and Taka Michinoku? Well....okay.
"Ess so reeeeeeeeeeal...." brrrrr
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago where Vince distracts the Acolytes just long enough to allow Bull & Boss Man (and the TV-14-DLV ratings box) to get in their licks
T&A (with Trish Stratus - the fitness model) v. HARDY BOYZ - Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago, where the Dudleyz - hell, is your memory THAT short? Matt and Test start. Lockup, knee from Test, pound, right, right, into the opposite corner,
Matt puts up an elbow - moonsault RIGHT
into the face, 1, 2, no! Right by Matt, right, reversal, knee to the gut,
gutwrench into a powerbomb, tag to Albert, into the ropes, double
tilt-a-whirl into a face plant - cover, 2. Off the ropes with a big ol'
collision - throating him on the second rope with a catapult, right, right,
headbutt, Matt tries to get in a shot, right uppercut, kick, kick, kick,
kick, head to the gut, again, again, hiptoss, into the ropes, head down,
Matt tries the slowest neckbreaker in the world, so Albert reverses and
there's a sidewalk slam. He learned that from the Boss Man! Second rope
guillotine MISSES - and Jeff gets the tag. Top-rope dropkick! Rana!
(Well, if Albert knew how to do a complete flip...) Test in with a
clothesline to put a stop to THAT. Referee "Blind" Teddy Long is over to
tell them they've got two minutes left. Double into the opposite corner,
Albert is whipped into Matt - Test with a choke sitout powerbomb - wow. 1,
2, Matt breaks it up. He knows there's 90 seconds left! Test blocks a
punch, hits a right, but Matt back body drops him to the outside. Albert
back over, pressing Matt, but he breaks free and hits the Twist of Fate!
Jeff with the wonton soup! 1, 2, 3! (3:08) Hey, wait, there's a
left - Teddy Long didn't LIE to us, did he? Sure enough, after the Hardyz
take off, THOSE DAMN
DUDLEYZ show up from underneath the stage and work
over Test - 3D! Dudley Death Drop! Buh-Buh Ray immediately goes outside
for a table as T&A's music inexplicably starts up - then stops. Trish gets
up on the apron, 'cause she's an idiot. Buh-Buh Ray gets all mesmermized
and even removes his glasses to get a better look (tee hee) - Albert hits
the ring and punks out D-Von, then throws him outside, Buh-Buh Ray up in a
double choke and POWERBOMBED through the table! NOW you can play their
music! Here's a replay.
Big Show sells Chef Boyardee spaghetti (with jumbo meatballs). It's pretty funny, but let's see what I think about it the five hundredth time I've seen it.
RAW is WAR is brought to you by Castrol Motor Oily, Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli, and RC Edge Maximum Power Cola!
BALD VENIS v. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW - Show comes out in a Venis weave and towel and does his Stevie Richards impersonation. "Hello, Ladies! Now ladies, we all know it's not the - motion in the ocean, but the size of the boat that turns you on! So never mind the SS Minnow in the ring, buy a ticket on the Big Show Titanic if you wanna see the REAL thing." First of all, pelvic thrusts by the Show - eeewwwww. Second of all, I think I hear Herb Kunze pointing out that Show gets winded just delivering this promo! "You know something, Big Show, if your brain was as big as your mouth, you would have realised a long time ago that the Titanic ... sank. And contrary to popular belief, it was not an iceberg that snak the Titanic, no - it was your dimply fat ass." Show lets all the air out, gives us "disheartened," then decides to rush Venis to get back at him. Venis ducks and wails away with rights. Head to the buckle that actually takes off his hair! More rights, kicks, head to the buckle, into the ropes is reversed, well it's a big superkick! Show trying to suck it in but it's there, baby - it's there. Show over to try the big boot but Venis jumps off the apron and Show ends up crotching himself on the top rope. Venis back in - right, right, right, standing dropkick, Show teeeters - big shoulderblock and he goes down! Savage elbow gets 2. Head to the buckle, Venis climbs the turnbuckle and tries a Ten Punch Count Along, but Show pushes him off after four. Well it's a big clothesline. Well it's a big elbow on the back. In the corner - well it's a big chop. Into the ropes, well it's a big clothesline. Well it's a big elbow to the back of the head. Running start - but Venis drops and the clothesline misses - he goes outside but lands on his feet. Show looking for his towel now - instead, he goes back inside and chokes out Venis with the wig. Referee "Blind" Chad Patton calls for the bell (DQ 2:29). Show continues choking -
then does some pelvic
thrusts as Venis' music plays. The European title is up for grabs next!
And now, the Castrol GTX Slam of the Week! From Heat last night, Eddie Guerrero helps Viscera get an upset victory over Chris Jericho in VISCERA'S BEST MATCH EVER - you know what's funny? Even though I was JOKING about it, Meltzer DID actually say the EXACT same thing in HIS report! Yahoo!
EDDIE GUERRERO (with That Slut Chyna) v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO for the European championship - champ enters first because we have clips to show you of Chyna turning, and Jericho's got a mic! "Welcome to RAW is Jericho! And Eddie, Chyna, contrary to what you may or may not believe, I am absolutely ecstatic that you two are together. I mean, Y2J is joyful that you two have hooked up, but I only have one question - in your little relationship, which one of you two is the man? And just out of curiosity, which one of you two has the bigger package?" Chyna points to Eddie - heh. "But seriously, Eddie - I think the Taco Bell chihuahua has more Latino heat than you. But, at least the chihuahua's BITCH is housebroken!" You so Crazy, Chris. Big ol' "Y-2-J" chant. Jericho gets first shot - right, right, right, elbow, into the ropes, forearm, gutshot, double underhook into a backbreaker, Eddie makes a rude gesture and takes a hike. Jericho gives chase around the ring - back in and Guerrero is hugging the legs of referee "Blind" Tim White to try to get a timeout. Guerrero manages a dropkick to the knees as White gets out of the way. Kick to the knee, kick, kick, kick, kick, head to the buckle, Ross: "I thought this might be the first show in television in a month not to mention that [Elian] fellow" but Lawler blew it. Whip into the ropes, another dropkick to the knees, Jericho flips. Guerrero puts the leg over the bottom rope and buttdrops the knee. More stomping, Guerrero flies over the top to the floor, taking Jericho's knee with him. Back in the ring - figure four leglock! Jericho trying to turn it - and does! Guerrero turns it back! Jericho grabs the rope and the hold is broken. Guerrero back to the knee, kick, kick, knife-edge chop, chop, Jericho reverses into the ropes - lifts him into the air and lets him drop. Guerrero manages a face-first into the second turnbuckle - snapmare takeover, grinding the foot into the face with a twist - got him by the hair. In the corner, right, into the opposite corner, Guerrero charges but eats a boot - Guerrero ducks a clothesline but not the next four chops. Into the ropes, biiiiiig back body drop. Running clothesline by Jericho - Guerrero begging off. Right, chop, into the opposite corner is reversed, Guerrero with a headstand on the top turnbuckle, crossing the legs, body scissors rollup, Jericho rolls through it and grabs the legs - Walls of Jericho attempt - and it's applied! Chyna up on the apron - Jericho breaks the hold to walk over and swing wildly at her. Guerrero over with a rollup and the feet on the ropes - 1, 2, Jericho manages to kick out! Gutshot by Jericho, off the ropes with a face plant. 1, 2, no. Chyna gives the title belt to Guerrero, but before he can swing it, Jericho ALSO has a hold of it - a tug of war ensues, and when Jericho lets go, Guerrero FLIES right into White, who I *believe* isn't supposed to bend that way. Jericho ducks a belt shot, then flies off the ropes with a flying jalapeno (how ironic!) that hits the belt AND the face! Lionsault! But Chyna is in with a Golota and a DDT. Guerrero rolled over onto Jericho. White comes to and slowly puts on the count .... 1....2........3. (5:19) The Rock and his mystery opponent in the STEEL cage are NEXT!
Hey, did you notice something this week? Hardly ANY of those INCREDIBLY ANNOYING "and he's WALKING!" bumpers - they have people leaving the ring, celebrating, whatever - and from there - they go straight into the ad break! What a concept! It might be deliberate that it happened THIS week...or maybe it's just coincidence. Still, I wanted to point it out because THE WHOLE DEAL with me making a giant production out of the fact that folks are walking around is my ATTEMPT to show you that there's a damn lot of it and it's really silly. Maybe the production type folk have figured out it ain't necessary. Yes - maybe I can FINALLY retire happy. Ehh, maybe not just yet.
"The Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race" is a special USA Sports
presentation tomorrow! I know this 'cause our commentators have helpfully
shilled it for us!
The cage is slowly lowering...hmmm, another short segment, I guess...
"Earlier Today," Terri woke up Kat - she's dressed in some trailer park trash getup, hair coloured old-woman yellos and cut in a hideous style - sixteen layers of makeup and "TRASH" printed in reverse on her forehead, Al Snow style. And they sheared her dog, too! Kat does her Daffney scream for us.
And now, Lugz provides the Boot of the Week! From SmackDown!, Rock gives Rock Bottom to Road Dogg, but there's no ref - out comes Hebner, out comes Vince, Vince, Hebner, Rock, Vince, chair, okay, let's get on with it
LA ROCA v. ? within the confines of the STEEL cage - strangely enough, your referee is Earl Hebner. "My Time" starts up - don't tell me that the mystery opponent is TREBLE H! All three McMAHONS are with him - Vince doing a rather elaborate pantomime to let Rock know he's very aware of the earlier chairshot tonight. So it's gonna be a nontitle cage match. Oh, no it's not. It's gonna BIG BOSS MAN & BULL BUCHANAN...in a handicap match. No opening bell. Bossman in - Rock with a right, right, righ, into the opposite corner head to the buckle, right, right, right, right, Buchanan put onto Bossman, clothesline, KISS THAT RIGHT, and he's climbing - Buchanan pulls him down, block, right, we look at the locked door of the cage. Doubleteam, off the ropes, double back elbow, Buchanan right, whip into the opposite corner, Bossman whipped into Rock. Rock whipped into the opposite corner, but Rock ducks the whip of Buchanan, turns around, gutshot, DDT. Bossman knocks him down. Bossman ready to climb - Rock pops up and pulls him back in - clothesline ducked - Buchanan goes down with a backdrop suplex. Now Shane clmibs the cage - why? Dunno. Rock meets him up top with a right. Buchanan from behind and Rock crotches himself on the top rope. Now there's a doubleteam with the stomps - Shane elbowing him through the cage as well. Buchanan holding him for Bossman rights. Make a wish! "Shane's a pussy" chant starting up. Buchanan off the ropes with a legdrop - kickout at 2. Vince barking at Hebner. Into the ropes, two head down, shot for Bossman, Buchanan's head to the mat, gutshot for Bossman, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, gutshot, axe kick by Buchanan! 1, 2, no! Bossman covers - HE gets 2. Elbowdrop by Buchanan. Double suplex - nicely done. Bossman and Buchanan pose. Right by Buchanan. Choke on the second rope. Bossman kicking away. Buchanan whips Rock into a Bossman clothesline - and only 2. Stomp by Buchanan. Bossman winds up - and uppercuts him. Buchanan with a right. Crowd chants as they think about putting Rock into the cage - then give him a GOOD whip, face-first into the cyclone fence. This sure is boring. Open rights and lefts as Bossman holds him. Rock thrown to the mat. Bossman with a full nelson, Buchanan with a right.
Bossman right. Bossman holding him for
Buchanan's "will-I-won't-I" no-hands top rope leaping clothesline - but
Rock breaks free and Bossman eats it! Right, right, right, right,
Buchanan's head into the cage! Samoan Drop! Bossman also run into the
cage - but Rock runs back into the BOSSMAN SLAM! All three men are down.
Crowd works a "Rock E" groove. Bossman to his knees, right, right, into
the ropes, reversed, spinebuster by Rock. Now over to stop Buchanan from
climbing, but Buchanan kicks at him - kick - off the ropes - oops, caught
in Rock Bottom. 1, 2, 3! (7:11 - free
Slurpees!) - Shane climbing the
cage - now Rock pulling him in as Triple H comes in through the door. Rock
goes HARD into the wall of the cage - then the other. That STEEL, it don't
forgive. H producing some actual brass knux - and he CLOBBERED him. Shane
KO's Hebner with a right. Rock's bleeding and H opens it up with some
rights. Vince and Shane holding up Rock for H to punch him. Pedigree
coming up - yup. Vince has the chair. Man, when did Rock ever blade - I
can't remember ever... "Rock - you wanna play this game, Rock? You wanna
be in this game with me? Well, you're in it now, pal. It's your dream to
be the World Wrestling Federation champ - Rock, I'm done playing games with
you. I am your worst (beeeeeep) you Rock - I am done playing with you.
This is just step one. Pick his ass up!" Rock leaving a HUGE puddle of
blood on the mat - looks like they're setting him up for - ewwww, it's just
POURING out of the back of his head - Pedigree on the chair...but the
ACOLYTES are out to take some revenge for earlier in the night. Bossman
and Buchanan go down quickly - Vince, Shane and H scatter over the walls of
the cage - Acolytes give chase but they manage to hit the floor. "My Time"
plays as everybody takes off - we get another look at Rock bleeding all
over the place - let's call it (.5
Muta) as the credits come up - one more
WWF logo and we'll SEE YA!