/17 April 2000
WWF RAW is WAR
I GET LETTERS:
Kishigai keeps it real: I don't know what it really
means but the only place iv'e heard it before was in a Method Man song,
Bring the Pain. Hope that helps. Good enough.
David Petalas offers: Ok I know that this might kill off a great
portion of "I GET LETTERS" (and probably my favorite part) , when people
accuse you of losing your "journalistic integrity".......... ...oh sorry I
had to take an extreme laughter break :) From now on preface all WCW
recaps with something along the lines of:
I'll think about it, Dave. Thanks.
OBLIGATORY LOCAL SPORTS REFERENCE: GO SHARKS! BEAT THE BLUES!
TONIGHT: Big Show challenges Chris Benoit for the intercontinental title! Rock and Shane are in the house! Check out Shane getting Rock Bottomed through the commentary table from SmackDown! AND...the show will BEGIN with a nontitle match between Triple H and Chris Jericho! What? Loading up the first quarter hour? Sounds like the free ride ENDS - TONIGHT!
Hey, trust me - NONE of those guys are Spartacus
QUICK QUOTE: WWFE 13 9/16 (- 1 3/16)
One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
TV-14-DLV Opening Close Credits Captioned
SET IT OFF for another Monday and another episode - WE ARE LIVE from the campus Penn State on Patriot's Day (observed, ME & MA) - 17.4.2K in the Bryce Jordan Center in State College, PA and there's no more time to type in THIS paragraph--
CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO v. TREBLE H (with Skippy & Stephy) in a nontitle match - It's WRESTLING time! WRESTLING! Remember WRESTLING? WRESTLING! And THIS match...is a grudge match. Backstage, H tells us that he remembers every word he said last Thursday and TONIGHT, he'll show her how a REAL husband defends the honour of his wife! "Welcome to RAW is JERICHO! And it seems that Y2J is in hot water yet agayne. Last week, I was punished for calling Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley a bargain basement slut - yeah - and I also called her the filthiest, dirtiest, most disgustingly skankiest, brutal, bottom-feeding trashbag ho I had ever - EEEEEEVER - seen in my life. So I came out here tonight to apologise. [boos] I came to apologise to all of the bargain basement sluts...and to all of the filthy, disgusting, dirty, skanky, brutal, bottom-feeding, trashbag ho's - I apologise for even comparing you to the miserable slimeball pig that IS Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley. So I apologise for offending anybody (with the exception of Stephy Baby)." "My Time" fires up and H actually RUSHES the ring, but Jericho takes a hike. He's not done talking, I guess...but first, this "asshole" chant. "How valiant and touching it is, Triple H, that you come down for the honour of your wife - I mean, that's really touching, but I think if you think she's really special, and you wanna REALLY impress her, I think you should put that title on the line. *I* think you should make this match tonight for the World Wrestling Federation championship!" H says he's on - that ain't too brainy. "Well NOW that this match is officially a World Wrestling Federation championship match, I hear - you don't mind that I invested in a little insurance policy for this match only...ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce to you, say hello to my little friends ...THE ACOLYTES." The "WWF Championship" graphic puts in an appearance as Faarooq and Bradshaw walk to the ring puting on their ass-kickin' gloves. Hey, where's Mideon been lately? Triple H trying to get in the first shot while everybody watches the APA - Jericho ducks, off the ropes, flying forearm! Jericho punching away - now kicking away. Chop, chop, chop, into the opposite corner is reversed, Jericho ducks a clothesline, drop toehold, clothesline - punching away on him - H shrugs him off. Right, chop, "Y2J" chant - right, right, reversal into the ropes, gutshot, H off the ropes, but Jericho backdrops him over the top rope to the floor. Shane wants to come over, but the Acolytes keep H alone - baseball slide dropkick is stepped aside - Jericho eats a right. Shane tries again to come over - but the Acolytes threaten him away. Jericho rolled back in while the crowd works an "asshole" groove. Springboard dropkick by Jericho as H gets on the apron! Jericho grabs H by the hair and brings him in with a suplex - no, H blocks, then drops down and throats Jericho with a hot shot. H in - ducking a charge and hitting a high knee. Gusthot, kick, kick, stomp, stomp, blatant choke, referee "Blind" Jim Chioda forcing him off. H with punches - again ignoring the ref's five count. H goes outside, puts Jericho across the apron, and drops an elbow. "Shane's a pussy" chant from the crowd. Off the steps with another elbow to the sternum - Jericho falls to the floor. H tries to put Jericho's head to the commentary table, but it's blocked - Jericho puts HIS head to the table - but misses on a charge when H puts up a big boot and Jericho EATS it. Triple H with a MASSIVE whip into the STEEL steps. H back in the ring and posing. Here's a Castrol Motor Oily Double Feature of the steps shot. Jericho brought back into the ring - nice half hour suplex by Triple H. Ready to drop the knee - and does so - cover - ONLY 2! H mounts Jericho and punches away - then shoves aside Chioda to dish out some more punishment to Jericho. Jericho's lip is bleeding (maybe). Jericho, still, comes back with punches. Into the ropes, but H DDT's Jericho. H clmibing to the top - but Jericho is over to beal him across the ring! Triple H is Ric Flair! Jericho ducks a clothesline, chop, elbow, elbow, into the ropes, back elbow, gutshot, right, opposite corner whip is reversed, Jericho puts up a boot - second rope dropkick! 1, 2, NO!!!!! Crowd thought Jericho was gonna win there. Into the ropes, H ducks, gutshot, Pedigree dcoming up - no, Jericho with a double leg - going for the Walls of Jericho - but he can't turn him. Shane desperately looking for a way to interfere and not incur the wrath of the APA - Jericho tries a catapult instead, since he can't get him over - unfortunately, he collides with Chioda (what is this, WCW?) - Jericho with a bulldog, and he's climbing to the top - but Shane is over...and he crotches him! The Acolytes are quickly over and Shane SPRINTS around, then through the ring and out of the picture. Stephanie takes this chance to slide in the belt. H ready to go for it - but Jericho is up with a gutshot and HE uses the belt! Jericho covers - the crowd counts to three but there's no ref - wait, here's senior referee "BLIND" EARL HEBNER - 1, 2, no! Off the ropes, H manages a facebuster. H and Hebner share a few words - shove - Hebner shoves back!
H shoves him down to the mat - Jericho takes advantage, catching H
as he turns around with a spinning heel kick! AND THERE'S THE LIONSAULT!
Hebner quick counts H - 1 2 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ladies and gentlemen, we have
a NEW World Wrestling Federation champion! (8:39) H goes after Hebner,
the Acolytes stave him off. H heads back to the ring, but Jericho slips
out and runs around to join the APA. In the ring, Stephanie and Triple H
are HOT. I have a feeling we just might see a rematch before this show is
out...but for now, it just MIGHT be time to proclaim that Chris Jericho
made the right choice. I'd add "Now THAT'S how you book a swerve" but I
know how that might incite you to send me email, and we don't want that.
Moments Ago, Jericho took advantage of a distracted Triple H to take down the champion with a spinning heel kick and a quebrada - and-a onetwothree. Nice reaction from Triple H post-match as well.
Backstage, Shane and Triple H drag Earl Hebner and (a still groggy) Mike Chioda out of the referee's locker room...
And now they're all back out to the ring. Shane has Hebner in a facelock - now H does - here's a mic for H as Shane holds him in a full nelson. "Earl, you know you just screwed me - you just jobbed me out, pal, you know it. Now you've been told before, all right? Now this is the official - the assigned official, Mike Chioda, you were the legal referee in that match, right? Not this piece o' crap right here. I want you to look at the footage from that match, and I want you to tell me if that wasn't a scerwjob. Kevin Dunn, put that footage up. Tell me that wasn't a fast count! Tell me that wasn't the fastest count you've ever seen. I - WAS - SCREWED! Earl Hebner jobbed me out, you saw it, the world saw it. Now - I want your *unbiased*, *professional* opinion of what you just saw - did I get screwed or not?" "Earl - that was a fast count - you screwed Triple H. You got it - you screwed Triple H - that was a fast count - that was a fast count." "All right - Mike, go. Thank you very much. Now - you heard that, it was a fast count! The official referee of that match said you screwed me - now Earl, I want you, in front of the whole world, and in front of these idiots here, to tell everybody that you - shut the hell up - that you are going to reverse that decision - that I AM THE World Wrestling Federation champion - that that match with Chris Jericho never took place - these people didn't see a damn thing - it will be stricken from the record books - it NEVER EVER happened - Earl, reverse that decision - NOW. Come on, Earl! You know it's right!"
Shane's ready to bust him up, but Hebner apparently thinks better of it and asks him to hold it. About a hundred times. "Holditholditholdit - hold it! I'll reverse the decision...on one term. That is - nobody touches me as long as I'm a WWF referee, as long as my life, and that goes for YOU - YOU - and YOU - that you'll NEVER put your damn hands on me again!" "Let me get this straight - you'll reverse the decision as long as, while you're a World Wrestling Federation official, we never ever harm you or touch you again. That right? Then you've got a deal. Now, you tell me - are you gonna reverse that decision?" "Yes I am." "Then you go back there right now and you get my World Wrestling Federation championship belt, from around the waist of that sawed-off midget Chris Jericho - you bring it back out here and give it to me in the middle of this ring, and you do it - NOW." While Hebner walks off - doesn't anybody else have a feeling that H is set to fire him right after he gets his belt back? Triple H tells the crowd that they didn't see a damn thing. Chris Jericho isn't even in his league. At the top of the ramp, Hebner meets CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO, who comes out wearing the title around his waist. "Shut the hell up. So you're telling me, Triple H, that I have to give up the World Wrestling Federation title because that match never took place? You're telling me I have to give up the World Wrestling Federation title because these Jerichoholics never saw me beat you in the middle of this ring for that championship? Well, I guess we can all believe that. And so I guess it's also not true that your wife Stephanie has not SLEPT with half the boys in that locker room either! I guess we can't believe that either, huh?" Hebner brings the title belt to Triple H - and hands it over. "No, Earl, that's not good enough - I want you to put it around my waist where it belongs." H rasises his arms - and Hebner complies. "Now Earl, before you go...I wanna talk about our little deal we made. You're right, hey, I'm a man of my word, Earl, and as long as you are a World Wrestling Federation official, nobody, not Shane, not Vince, not Steph, not even myself will ever lay a hand on you again. I promise you, that, okay? Oh yeah, but there's one other thing I forgot to tell ya, Earl...your ass is FIRED." Shane laces his arms and H PASTES him with a right. Shane and Triple H stomp away, and now he's assuming the position - Pedigree coming up! THE OTHER 7 REFS hit the ring and try to keep Hebner away from any more damage - Garea and Slaughter are with them as well. Hit H's music, one more pose...and it's time for a short word from our sponsors.
Apparently, Eddie's GED test is tomorrow - he's busy studying -
Chyna says his match is NOW and slams his hand in a book. Damn, did
Guerrero get REALLY ethnic over the past few weeks or what?
Moments Ago - two paragraphs ago. His ass is fired. Let's face it - they REALLY couldn't afford eight referees anyway, right? Might as well prune the tree - oldest branches first...
Back to real time, where a limousine pulls up backstage...hey, that's not the Rock, it's Linda McMahon! Patterson and Brisco meet her 'pon egress and I guess something's up...
HARDY BOYZ v. ESSA RIOS (with Lita) and EDDIE GUERRERO (with That Slut Chyna) - Guerrero's "Mama Cita" music now comes with a lot of "Latino Heat" and rap. Lawler thinks he's Speedy Gonzales and it ain't much funny. Spanish guys bum rush the North Carolinish guys and here we go. Matt is dumped, and they doubleteam Jeff with stompin'. Into the corner - Eddie flips Rios over his head into a dropkick. Rios stands on the throat while Eddie slides outside and chokes him. Rios drags him into the ring - clothesline. Castrol gives us a Double Feature of the leapfrog and dropkick - I guess we're obligated to have one Double Feature per match tonight, or something. Rios in control - snapmare takeover, dropkick to the back of the head. Tag to Guerrero, stomp, into the ropes, drops down, heel kick. "Eddie sucks" chant - kinda weak. Backdrop suplex gets 2. Guerrero takes Jeff to the outside, then chats with referee "Blind" Jim Korderas while Chyna throws an elbow. Back into the ring we go - tag to Rios. Double whip into the ropes, dropkick by Rios after Hardy leaps over Guerrero. In the corner, kick, fireman's carry, over the head slam, tag, trademark rolling senton from Guerrero over the rope. Into the ropes, reversed, tilt-a-whirl slam by Hardy, dropkick, tag to Matt - Guerrero tries a dropkick but Matt steps aside - clothesline for Rios, backdrop for Guerrero, scoop slam for Rios, all four men in - into the ropes, double lift and drop for Guerrero. Rios charges - but gets put over the top to the floor. Jeff with a pescado onto Rios! In the ring, Matt Hardy suplexes Guerrero - Jeff on top for the - but Chyna hits him right in the...er, the 2Xtreme - Jeff ends up leaping onto the top rope crotch first and bouncing to the floor. That's GOTTA hurt. Guerrero, having recovered, tries a punch on Matt, but he blocks, then HE punches away. Into the opposite corner is reversed, Hardy up and over - ducking a Guerrero clothesline, but Rios comes off the top with a moonsault, and Matt wasn't ready for THAT. Both men stomp on Matt - Guerrero with - an Irish whip on Rios? Ahh, he SAILS over the corner - and onto Jeff with a somersault plancha! Guerrero with a scoop slam on Matt - Lita is up to the top, but she moonsaults GUERRERO (who spent a lot of time watching the setup), Matt kicks Lita out of the ring, then hits the Twist of Fate! 1, 2, 3! (4:44) Chyna gets into the ring and immediately takes some noticable umbrage. In fact, she takes a bit more than that - it's a gutshot and powerbomb for Rios! Guerrero stomps on him for good measure. Chyna and Guerrero walk off as Guerrero's music plays - looks like he's ready to beg for forgiveness. Chyna walks off dragging Guerrero, who is clinging to her leg as we cut to
Meanwhile, in an office, Linda's working on her laptop (no, she's TYPING - you pervert) when Shane knocks and comes in. Hey, he's got a nice new dry shirt on! He thought she was "off in Europe doing business with Dad." She was...but she's got an important announcement to make about the Rock. Shane wants to know what it is, but Linda thinks it'd be better if he hears it the same time everybody else does...at least after these words from our sponsors
HEY! RUNKLES! The fake potato chip with the HILARIOUS name!
H is in a tizzy - why is Linda here? What's she got to say about
the Rock? Stephanie tries to send Shane to pump her for some more
information - wait, I think I just made a poor choice of words when talking
about some McMahons...
TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ (wearing the ECW World Heavyweight title belt) v. PERRY SATURN v. CRASH HOLLY in a Triple Threat Hardcore title match - Ross mentions that "on his day off," Tazz just happened to defeat the ECW Champion in under three minutes (up yours, Awesome!). You know, that Saturn ain't nothin' but a GARGOYLE. Holly waffles Saturn with a cookie sheet during his walk down the aisle, then rushes Tazz, who ducks, and the pounding is on. Saturn takes them BOTH down fromt he blindside, then puts Crash on a top turnbuckle. Tazz with a one-armed throw of Saturn. Turning to Holly, but Saturn grabs the cookie sheet and gets him in the back before he can superplex Holly. Once again, nobody mentions that referee "Blind" Jack Doan once fought for this title on Heat. I suffer quietly. Tazz reverses an Irish whip, grabs Saturn, and backdrops him. Holly off the ropes, but runs into a lariat from Tazz - Saturn breaks the count at 2. Saturn with a something-or-other - Holly climbs on Saturn's shoulders, but Saturn shrugs him off - German suplex - Tazz breaks the count with the cookie sheet. Both men feel Tazz' swings. Holly manages a drop toehold onto the bottom rope to stop Tazz. Right to Saturn, into the ropes, huracanrana - Tazz breaks THAT up. Clubbing blow to Holly, side Russian legsweep - now Saturn is over to simultaneously hit a Russian legsweep of his own on Tazz! Everybody's slow to get up - total elimination-alike on Holly. Crash rolls outside, and now HARDCORE HOLLY comes out with referee "Blind" Jim Korderas in tow - now THEY'RE fighting on the outside while Tazz and Saturn continue *inside* the ring. Hardcore putting Crash into the post - check that, it's reversed. Crash is over to grab the "pitcher of Kool-Aid" - but unfortunately, he breaks it before he gets a chance to do the pitcher spot. Meanwhile, in the ring, Tazz hits a monster spinebuster on Saturn - the Tazzmission is applied, but Crash brings the cookie sheet to Tazz' back and breaks it. Hardcore in - gutshot, Hollycaust! But before he can cover Perry Saturn, Crash dropkicks Hardcore and then HE covers Saturn (3:24). Crash runs off, grabbing his belt on the way. Hardcore gives us a "drat!" look.
Back to the office where Shane tries again to get some information from his mother. "Well, you know what, Shane, actually this announcement is about Backlash, and I think I should go do it...right now." Shane takes off after his mother...
"Earlier Today," Kurt Angle was visiting the Penn State campus, preaching the joys of abstinence. He's wearing a "Olympic Heroes for Abstinence (OHFA)" sign with "Oral exams NOT oral sex" on the back. "The best sex is no sex - it's true, it's true!" Damn, he must have some REALLY AWFUL sex to believe *that!*
LINDA McMAHON is in the ring. "Good evening. I've come here tonight because I need to address a situation which I believe to be very unfair. I believed it before and after watching what's happened here tonight, I believe it eve more now. You see, at Backlash, the Rock is scheduled and will compete against Triple H for the World Wrestling Federation championship. But from what I can see, the deck is already stacked against him. It's been announced that my husband (Vince McMahon) will be in the corner of Triple H. And certainly, Stephanie McMahon is going to position herself somewhere at ringside, because as Mrs. Helmsley, we know that she's going to aid and abet her husband, just like you've seen her do so many times before. So therefore, I think the Rock is outnumbered. Now, the Rock has not asked for my help, nor anyone else's, but I have to tell you that after watching tonight, after seeing what happened at WrestleMania, I have decided to put someone in his corner to even the odds a little bit. Now, some of you are saying Mick Foley - it's, it's not Mick Foley - Mick was a one-time, one night only, and he's very happily retired at home. But there IS going to be that very special individual who's gonna be in the Rock's corner, who's gonna have his back at Backlash in less than two weeks, and it's with great pleasure tonight that I announce to you that in his corner is going be none other...................than STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN!" Ross has six simultaneous orgasms - yes, he IS overselling it JUST a touch. Well, they've had enough of watching in the back - here come TREBLE H & STEPHANIE ONO & SKIPPY - they're so serious, they come out without music, even! Stephanie rather forcibly removes the mic from the hand of her mother. "Unfair, Mom? You wanna know what's unfair, is you *hopping* on a little plane - ["slut!"] hopping on a little plane and thinking you can come down to this ring, to the World Wrestling Federation and start making decisions about things you know nothing about! In case you haven't forgotten, the last time we were in the ring together, *Mother* - the McMahon-Helmsley regime has NO problems slapping people around. And hopefully you've noticed that the McMahon-Helmsley regime is all about opportunity. So I'm going to give you the opportunity to change your mind. Think about it, Mother - what's your decision?" "No!" Ross has three more orgasms. "No. You won't change your mind.
You're gonna have Stone
Cold Steve Austin in the Rock's corner. Well then, I'm not going to change
*my* mind about what *I* have to do...but Mom, just remember, like you told
me when I was a little girl - this is gonna hurt me a lot worse than it
hurts you." She goes to the slap, but Linda's ready - BLOCK, SLAP! Crowd
goes BATSHIT. Linda immediately recoils in horror at what she's done, and
tries to check on her daughter - who's got a look of shock on HER face as
well. Stephanie motions to her husband...holy FUCK Triple H is over and
he's gonna Pedigree her - and now Shane clotheslines H before he does it!
Linda hightails it while H comes back with a shot for Shane! Now THEY'RE
ready to go at it, Stephanie trying to stand between them - she ends up
slapping BOTH guys...and now LA
ROCA is out to break the tension. "Now
before you two jabrones start playing Ali and Frazier, and the referee
being played by that prostitute-in-training, the Rock's got something to
say. When the Rock woke up this morning, he was feeling great. The Rock
was feeling great knowing at Backlash it was gonna be Triple H with Vince
is his corner, facing the Great One. The Rock felt great about that, the
Rock was fine about that, the Rock liked that. But now, after hearing
Linda McMahon's announcement, the Rock says what was once a great
situation.. just got - better." Ross has another two orgasms. "Rock E!"
"Because, you see, now it's gonna be Triple H with Vince in his corner, and
the Rock with Austin 3:16. " One more orgasm for Ross. "Now the entire
world knows of the Rock and Stone Cold's history - they know that the
Brahma Bull and the Rattlesnake haven't always seen eye to eye. But the
one thing we agree on - the one thing we've ALWAYS agreed on is the fact
that we know, Triple H, you're the biggest asshole walking God's green
earth." The censor's not even TRYING any more. Triple H chews his gum
furiously. "Triple H, in two weeks - at Backlash - make no mistake about
it, the Rock says he's gonna walk in, quite simply put, whip your monkey
ass, walk out the WWF champion, please! There's no other way...if ya
smell...what the Rock...is cookin'." Now play his music!
So a quick count of the previous paragraph shows Jim Ross with a dozen orgasms. Hey! Shouldn't he have keeled over in that last segment? Is it too late to replace him on a long-term basis with Michael Cole? Do the WCW fans realise I'm *complaining* about something here or do I have to spell it out for them? Oops
And now, the WWF Boot of the Week, brought to you by Lugz! From Heat last night, the Dudley Boyz brought Trish Stratus (the fitness model) into the ring, but T&A saved her, and then did some damage to boot. Get it? "Boot?" HAAAAAAAAAhahahahaha I kill me
Moments Ago, three paragraphs ago. Slap! Shock! Triple H ready to Pedigree the matriarch - and Shane makes the save. Has something started tonight between the brothers-in-law?
Your hosts are a pair of kings, LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER. Ross says "Stone Cold" fifteen times in ten seconds.
MICHAEL KING COLE stands in the DX locker room. H tells Cole that he's lost nothing tonight - and NOBODY beats him - not Rock, Jericho, Austin, nobody. He's not through with Jericho - tonight, it'll be a six-man tag - Jericho and the Acolytes against D-Generation X.
THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ (with RAW credits & TV-14-DLV ratings box) v. HEAD CHEESE (with Head & No Cheese) - the Dudleys decide to meet Snow & Blackman on the ramp and it's a Pier Four Brawl - Blackmand & Buh-Buh Ray on the outside, Snow and D-Von on the inside. D-Von sent outside, Snow hits his Asai moonsault. Now the other two are in the ring - whip reversed in the corner, Buh-Buh Ray holds on and Blackman's monkey flip attempt goes nowhere. Buh-Buh Ray charges but runs into two side kicks and a savat kick (I'm making this up) - they're outside again as the Mandatory Castrol Motor Oily Double Feature chooses the Asai moonsault. Blackman whipped into the STEEL steps. Back in the ring where Snow falls to the 3D (Dudley Death Drop)! But as D-Von convers, T&A and TRISH STRATUS (THE FITNESS MODEL) are out - Stratus occupies referee "Blind" Chad Patton while Test drops a Savage elbow on the pile in the middle of the ring. Then, IN PLAIN SIGHT OF PATTON, covers D-Von with Snow. 1, 2, 3. Rookie refs, gotta love 'em. Win for Snow & Blackman. (1:31) T&A do some more damage, but Buh-Buh Ray turns it around and backdrops Albert. D-Von and Test go outside after a clothesline from Test, and he follows. Stratus is in the ring, apparently not realising that only Buh-Buh Ray is in there - he's got her by the hair! He calls to D-Von to get the table...but before he can put her through it, she KISSES him! Buh-Buh Ray ends up hyp-mo-tized, and Stratus reunites with her team, and they walk up the ramp as their music plays. Err, that's pretty confusing...
Earlier Today, Kurt Angle interruped a kissing couple to share
joys of abstinence. "If you wanna suck on something - suck on this," and
he hands them a lolly. Hey, I know this is SUPPOSED to be
funny....but...I'm not laughing at it! Hey, I wonder if the guy who wrote
the "Steve Blackman visits the senior citizens' home" skits wrote these,
too. At least they're short...
LAVAR ARRINGTON is in the first row - he's a Redskins' draft pick or something - man, is he on sleeping pills or something? C'mon, man, ENERGY! ENERGY!
RAW is WAR is brought to you by FRAM!, Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli, and "WWF Aggression" - available at Best Buy
SCOTTY TOO HOTTY v. DEAN MALENKO for the Light Heavyweight championship - WOW! Ross is talking about STEVE AUSTIN! WOTTA SHOCK!! This is a return match from Heat, where Malenko won through a blatant pull of the...baggies, I guess. Collar-and-elbow tieup, side headlock from Hotty, into the ropes, shoulderblock. Off the ropes, up and over, sliding under, boot, spun around, discus lariat by Hotty, slap, slap, into the ropes, jumpin' back elbow. Lawler says he seems to recall Vince and Austin being friends last time he saw them - well, continuity like THAT can only get you fired. Ross says, no, no, they hate each other, God dammit. STONE COLD! STONE COLD! BACKLASH! STONE COLD! In the corner - Hotty with a right, right, into the opposite corner, off the ropes, but Malenko has this scouted and thwarts the bulldog attempt with a hard clothesline. Malenko kicking away, nice backdrop suplex, cover, 2. Right cross, right, head to the buckle, right, right, kick, kick, kick, words for referee "Blind" Tim White, kick, kick, headbutt, headbutt, vertical suplex. But instead of covering, Malenko punches away on him instead. I will give Ross A MILLION DOLLARS if he'd SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT AUSTIN AND CALL THE DAMN MATCH. Oy. Malenko stomping away - knees to the face, kick, into the ropes, back elbow. Snapmare takeover, Finlay-esque elbow to the nose. Irish whip into the corner with a followup lariat. Into the opposite corner is reversed, but Malenko puts up a boot. For a change of pace, Ross talks about DX and Shane and Helmsley almost coming to blows. Malenko runs into a powerslam - WOW! ROSS CALLED A MOVE! Who had "almost three minutes" in the pool? 1, 2, nope. Into the ropes, biiig back body drop by Hotty, whip into the corner, THIS time the bulldog is successful, and now Scotty makes his "I'm gonna get away with doing the Wurm again!" face - hoo, hoo, hoo,hi-ya! Malenko whip is reversed, gutshot, double underhook into a powerbomb - yow. Now Malenko has him in the Tejas cloverleaf - Scotty is fighting it - inching his way to the ropes - got the bottom rope! Whip into the corner is reversed, Malenko ducks under and then dumps Hotty over the top rope to the apron - Hotty with a block and a right - climbing to the top - Malenko crotches him, then climbs up after him. Top-rope superplex! But Hotty rolls Malenko and hooks his legs with his own - 1, 2, 3!!!!! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new World Light Heavyweight champion! (4:41) - Lavar Arrington goes WILD! Well, no - actually he just sits there trying not to fall asleep. Replay of the final sequence. Hotty busts out a little celebratory breakdancing.
Angle preaches abstinence while holding a "IT FEELS GREAT WHEN YOU WAIT" but off screen, a voice cries out "free condoms! Get 'em while you can!" We look over...and it's Big Show. He's wearing 'em all blown up on his head! HA! Angle looks back to the one guy who stuck around, who says "It's true, it's true," so Angle gets unhappy and walks off. Hey, you know what my problem is with this? Am I just supposed to FORGET that ANGLE was handing out condoms not a few weeks back? It RUINS THE WHOLE JOKE! Well, okay, I'm overselling just a TOUCH for the WCW fans. But! Honestly, it IS a little annoying that they'd sacrifice continuity for the sake of a joke - that's the kind of sloppiness that I'd expect over on....oops
Commentators shill "Clear and Present Dagner," airing tomorrow on USA
WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW (with "WWF Aggression" ad)
v. CHRIS BENOIT
for the Intercontinental championship - Show is
wearing his "BIG NASTY
BASTARD" shirt and a mean look. No sir, this isn't the fun and games, "I
have footage" Big Show tonight, no sir, nope! Show rushes, Benoit ducks.
Chop, chop, Show MANhandles him into the corner, open-handed slap -
pressing him up above his head - and tossing him into a facedown drop. Big
elbowdrop misses. Benoit tries again - kick, kick, chop, kick, kick, Show
with a headbutt, Benoit with a kick, Show cuts him down, elbowdrop,
Mandatory Castrol GTX Double Feature...crowd takes a moment to tell us that
they are Penn State, thanks. Into the STEEL steps - Show puts Benoit over
his shoulder, but Benoit slips it and shoves him head-first into the
ringpost. Kicking away, no effect, Show with a headbutt. Show presses
Benoit over the top rope from the floor. And now he's back in as well.
Well it's a big elbow to the back of the neck. Well it's a big elbow.
Into the ropes, well it's a big boot. Show motioning with his big paw -
got him in the choke - Benoit kicks him in the ...Little Show and referee
"Blind" Mike Sparks calls for the bell. (DQ 2:19) KURT ANGLE runs out and
*he* gets some stomping in on the "boys" as well. Looks like Show might be
practicing some abstinence after all...at least, until he heals! Angle's
music plays as he makes his way back up the ramp. Where'd Benoit go? Tag
team titles on the line - NEXT!
The Castrol GTX Slam of the Week comes to you thanks to Castrol Motor Oily! From SmackDown!, Shane McMahon hits Rock Bottom - through the commentary table
EDGE (you twinkle toe him) & CHRISTIAN v. BIG BOSS MAN & BULL BUCHANAN for the tag team championship - The men in black hit the ring but referee "Blind" Teddy Long" demands that the weapons be stowed. Christian starts with Buchanan. Lockup, to the corner, right, left, right, left, right, Buchanan whips him into the opposite corner, Christian up and over, but onto Buchanan's shoulder - Christian back to his feet, shoving Buchanan hard into the corner, off the ropes with a clothesline, tag to Edge. Both men have him in the corner, whip into the opposite corner, Edge with an all fours assisted splash. Edge with a right, right, right, right, in the corner, Ten Punch Count Along, but the crowd forgets to count so he stops at five. Tag to Edge, both men punching, Christian whips but it's reversed into Bossman's knee to the back. Christian's head is down following the gutshot - Buchanan with an axe kick! Tag to Bossman - sterero trademark Bossman baseball slide-uppercut combos. Scoop - and a slam. Bringing in Edge to distract the ref, Bossman throws Christian out to Buchanan, who drops him on the barricade. Back in the ring. Cover - 2. "Count, Dick!" No, no, TEDDY. Christian with gutshots, right to the head, off the ropes, but eating a Big Boss Boot. Blatant choke. Tag to Buchanan. Off the ropes with a scissor stomp (I guess). Right hand. "Boss Man Sux!" Buchanan with his "will-he-won't-he" no-hands springboard into a lariat. Cover - 1, 2, Edge breaks it up. Ross calls Edge "Christian" because he's thinking about Austin, I think. In the unfriendly corner, Buchanan works on the body. Tag to Bossman, double choke into a beal - into the corner again - back elbow thrown up, another charge stopped with an elbow - dropkick from the second rope by Christian - hot tag to Edge! Spinning heel kick! Back body drop for Buchanan! Now all four men in, now Buchanan out. Double dropkick for Boss Man - spear by Edge, but Buchanan is off the top to break up the sure pin with a legdrop to the back of the head. Christian punches away on Buchanan, but he rakes the face and puts him out of the ring. Edge is doubleteamed, then Boss Man shoves Long away. Long calls for the bell (DQ 4:41) as they continue to work over Edge...suddenly the lights go out, and THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE (with Paul Bearer) - Kane has a big cast on his left hand - shot for Bossman, and a chokeslam for Buchanan. Kane lights up the turnbuckles and we go to break.
Boy, if I didn't know better, I'd say they were trying to DELIBERATELY put on a show with no "WALKING!" bumpers, just to prove that they could do it...even if it's just once. Hey, guys - I DID notice. And I appreciate it. Thanks.
Here's an exterior shot of the Bryce Jordan Center on the campus of
Penn State University
Michael King Cole stands with Chris Jericho and the Acolytes - Cole insinuates that the Acolytes might have had some money slipped in on the side by the evil folks - the Acolytes take offense and threaten to give Cole "an ass whuppin' for free." Jericho says "I guess you got your answer there, eh Mitchell?"
Moments Ago, Four Paragraphs Ago - Kane did some mean stuff, man
Meanwhile and backstage, DX gets ready for their upcoming match - Edge & Christian happen by, some words are exchanged, and next thing you know, Dogg & X-Pac are wailin' on the tag team champs...and then leaving them laying.
Yeah, that was one of those "nothin' happenin'" segments.
Big Show eats Chef Boyardee spaghetti and jumbo meatballs. C'mon, that can is DELIBERATELY miniaturised...
WWF Backlash is presented by Castrol GTX - damn, this whole show is COVERED in motor oil
CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO and THE ACCOLADES v. D-GENERATION X (who? The King of Rock, what? The King of Rock, who? The King of Rock, what? - with Tori, Skippy & Stephy) - Ross sneaks in another "STONE COLD!" to annoy me. I wonder when the Rock will run in and make this main event meaningless - oh sorry. Damn, do I even ENJOY wrestling anymore? All I ever do is BITCH. Waaah wah wah wah wah wah wah. "X Pac Sux" chant. Bradshaw and the champ start - H with the first show, right, right, right, whip is reversed, big boot by Bradshaw. "X Pac Sux!" Tag to Jericho, who wants a piece of the Game. Gutshot by H, quick Pedigree attempt, but Bradshaw comes in with his lariat, then BOTH Acolytes wander over to take out Dogg and X-Pac - meanwhile, Jericho has Triple H in the Walls of Jericho - but just before he gives us, X-Pac manages to come in with a vicious spinning heel kick, and Dogg hits his wiggly wobbly woogly kneedrop. Jericho's taken up residence in a bad neighborhood as Dogg and X-Pac work him over while referee "Blind" Mike Chioda tries to keep the APA in their corner. Man, that is a GIANT "BEER" sign in the crowd there. H with a stomp, stomp, stomp, standing on the neck of Jericho. Into the ropes, duck, flying jalapeno! Tag to Faarooq, X-Pac comes in and eats a clothesline. Powerslam for Dogg. Faarooq over to pepper Triple H with punches while Bradshaw catches X-Pac off the ropes- big boot for Dogg while he's holding him, THEN a fallaway slam on X-Pac! Wow! X-Pac manages ANOTHER brutal spinning heel kick, this time on Faarooq. Dogg holds him down for some stomping from X-Pac. Lawler tells it to Ross: "You're missin' a lotta stuff tonight!" Chioda having REAL trouble keeping order - it's Faarooq dropped on the STEEL steps on the outside. Dogg and Faarooq back in the ring. Right, right, blocked by Faarooq, right, right, into the ropes, standing switch, left, left, left, juke, jive, Faarooq manages a spinebuster to stop THAT. Faarooq crawling to his corner - Ross tries to call Dogg "X-Pac" but stops himself - Mandatory Hard Drivin' Double Feature of the spinebuster - Faarooq makes the tag to Bradshaw, but Chioda missed the tag. Meanwhile, there's a big tripleteam on Faarooq while his back is turned. Shane's sprinting around ringside like an idiot. X-Pac hits his trifecta of kicks, then
tags in Road
Dogg. "Shane's a pussy" chant returns. Dogg has Faarooq in a headlock -
trying to power him to his corner - but Dogg puts him back in the wrong
neighborhood and tags in Triple H. Now they're trading punches - now it's
all Faarooq - into the ropes but Triple H takes him down with a
facebuster. Bradshaw in to break it up - and get in an extra kick while
he's at it before Chioda can put him away. X-Pac comes in without a tag
and stomps away - karate chops, blatant choke, is he imitating Foley with
that scream? Tag to Dogg, elbow, tag to X-Pac, Dogg kicks away and X-Pac
puts his head in the adjacent corner. Whip to the opposite corner is
reversed, and Faarooq hits a SWEET backbreaker as he comes out. Tag to
Triple H - HOT TAG TO Jericho! Repeatedly knocking him down, now X-Pac,
now Road Dogg. Bulldog on Triple H - THERE'S the quebrada! 1, 2, X-Pac
over to break it up. X FACTOR! Bradshaw in and taking HIM out - Faarooq
pairing up with Road Dogg. The Acolytes take Road Dogg and X-Pac up the
ramp and out of sight - EDGE &
CHRISTIAN appear at the top of the ramp and take
it to DX...and now all six of them disappear behind the curtain. Is the
heel turn off for Edge & Christian? In the ring, Chioda is up to 5 - 6 -
H puts an arm on Jericho - 1, 2, no!! The Acolytes are coming back out -
H busies himself watching THEM, and missing the surprise rollup from
behind - 1, 2, NO! Jericho chopping H in the corner - and NOW,
BIG BOSS MAN & BULL
BUCHANAN are out. Whip into the opposite corner is
reversed, gutshot on Jericho - Pedigree. Oh well. 1, 2, 3.
Tori, Stephanie and Shane pose in the ring. Shane and Triple H shake
hands, then hug - they've made up....for tonight, anyway. We're ALL
waiting for the happy ending...here's a replay of the Pedigree.
Everybody mocks Jericho - H posing on the turnbuckle - wow, I guess Rock
ISN'T coming out - this is what you get - the credits are up and we're
out. Ross does manage one more "Steve Austin," barrrrrffffff.