TONIGHT: It's LIVE! LIVE! Will we see more treatment of the Rock like we did on SmackDown! (seen in this here clip - Ross almost called the night of SmackDown! "Wednesday")? Also, Vince McMahon is back from Europe and in the house tonight, oh boy! Hey! Think we're gonna reveal any matches in this promo? THINK AGAIN! LIVE!

Opening Credits AND Close Captioned Logo

BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM WE ARE LIVE 24.4.2K from the Entertainment & Sports Arena (c'mon, is it REALLY called that?) in RAWleigh, NC, broadcast on USA and maybe TSN and oh, by the way, I'm writing this report NAKED

KURT ANGLE v. RIKISHI PHATU - "The question on everyone's mind is, 'why Kurt?' Why set aside your quest for championship gold to concentrate on the Big Show? Well, the answer is quite simple, if you'll pardon my expression, but the Big Show is a big ass. And I do not like, nor do I appreciate big asses, and speaking of big asses, my opponent tonight is Rikishi. And maybe if Rikishi's parents would have practiced abstinence, we wouldn't be exposed to that awful, repulsive rectum that he carries with him today - it's true, it's true." Ross, on behalf of the WWF, passes on condolences to X-Pac's family "for their recent loss" - he'll be off tonight. Angle rushes Phatu, but gets shoved down. Again he tries to jab, jab, jab, but again he's powered away. Right hand, right hand, into the ropes, head down - Angle goin to try a suplex - yeah, right. Phatu reverses with one of his own. Into the ropes, Angle tries a Sunset flip, fails, but evades the big ass. WOW!! BELLY TO BELLY!! Angle's impressive - well, Phatu's impressive for being able to flip like that, sure - yeah, maybe we all heard Angle say "go" - but hey, ANGLE! THE MAN! Angle trying to keep up the advantage - right, right, right, right, right, running clothesline in the corner, another running clothesline - no effect on the big man. Phatu with a clothesline, whip into the corner, whip into the opposite corner, warming up his rump, but Angle evades the splash by a timing intervention of referee "Blind" Mike Sparks. Well, actually, he shoves him into Phatu. Sparks is not amused, and DQ's Angle. Woof. (DQ 1:23) WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW is out - well it's a big sidewalk slam for Angle - and Phatu adds the stinkface now that he's got the chance. Hey, is Show a face now? Well, he's outside, chasing after Angle - no, wait - Angle runs off and Show hits the ring - will they come to blows? No, Show produces a pair of glasses for Phatu, places them on his face and walks off. Hmm, maybe he IS turning face. There's a high five, then Show takes off and Phatu dances for us. Hee hee, lookit the fat man dance!

Backstage, the DX Express arrives - and Shane, Steph and Triple H exit as we hear "The Kings" blaring (what?) - oh hey! They're WALKING!

The FRAM trap of the Week, from last week's RAW, is Linda's block/slap combo on her own daughter, Triple H's "maybe" Pedigree attempt on Linda, and Shane's subsequent wafflin'. Let's take an ad break!

TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL has a few words via tape: "Buh-Buh Ray, there is something about tables that just - drives me crazy. There's - long ones. Those are fun. Oh and then there's round ones - I like those. And there's larger ones - and then there's smaller ones - depending on what kind of company you have. But the one thing that they all have to have in common is that they all have to be (knocks on wood) *hard*." Well, she still can't act, but she's hardly wearin' nothin' and I'm REALLY lonely

Is it just me, or does EVERY show start with a Rikishi Phatu match, immediately followed in segment two by TREBLE H & STEPHANIE ONO & SKIPPY come out to talk for about twenty minutes? Hey, have you noticed that they've settled on constantly referring to that troika as the "McMahon-Helmsley Regime," instead of the former favourite, makes-no-sense "McMahon-Helmsley Era?" Sign in crowd: "Where's Flex Kavana" Shane talks fast and I hate transcribing him. "All right, first things first. Our pops, Vinnie Mac, will be here momentarily to grace all of you with his presence. But in the meantime, I have something to say. You see, sometimes, yes, I can be a bit of a hothead, and Triple H, I owe you an apology for my actions last Monday night. Actually, that chant is a little warranted, because my actions might have reflected that. Triple H, I now know that you love the McMahon family as much as I do, and I know that you would never, ever Pedigree our mother, your mother-in-law in this ring, ever! So Hunter, I owe you an apology, I'm sorry that I hit you in the face. You see, you don't understand what this means - you're the greatest brother-in-law a guy could ever have - I mean, I - I never had a big brother and - Hunter, I just gotta say I'm sorry, and - I LOVE YOU, MAN." Ross: "Pass the barf bag! This is nauseating!" Faux tears are shed amongst the embracing two men. Stephanie's turn. "Ohh, you guys..." another hug. "You guys, you just - you warm my heart - but you know, I'd like to apologise, too. I'd like to apologise to all of you if I have in any way ever hurt your feelings with my actions. Because, I can empathize. I know what it's like to have my feelings hurt.

When we last left, Eddie Guerrero he'd received his GED. Sunday - not only will he take on Essa Rios, but he'll also have his prom! We see Guerrero show off his green jacket and tuxedo T-shirt. Chyna expresses disapproval. "You look like a Gumby reject!" Guerrero says it was da bomb at his cousin Chewie's wedding - his heat makes anything look good! Chyna: "Next..." Just before we go to break, Ross slips in that (chrisbenoittheroaddoggNEXT)!

WWF Backlash is SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY

Moments Ago, three paragraphs ago - thievery, nailery, tag teamery

"During the Break," Chris Jericho was WALKING! But Chris Benoit snuck up from behind and waffled HIM with the IC title belt! "Here's another championship you're never gonna get!" And a stomp for good measure.

ROAD DOGG v. CHRIS BENOIT for the intercontinental title - If we're lucky, we'll get to hear Dogg say "North Cackalacki" -- OH MAN! HE SAID IT!! For some reason, Dogg tells us if we ain't down with Dennis Knight, he's got two words for us. Wonder what THAT'S about. Hey, where IS Mideon, late- oh, sorry. Say, aren't these two guys competing tonight tangential chums for purposes of storyline? Before the match starts, EDGE & CHRISTIAN come out for no reason - notice how the camera is actually trained right on them, yet we keep cutting to all them other swirly shots - I guess the director didn't see them even if you and I did...

Kurt Angle knocks on the "under construction" door remnants of the APA. "Listen, I'm not sure how to do this, but can I pay you guys money to beat up the Big Show?" The Acolytes make some jokes at Angle's expense, and then says they'll protect him for a lotta money. Angle is off to get the money, but before he goes... "By the way, can I give you guys a little constructive criticism? Maybe if you guys cut down on the smoking, the gambling - three queens, that's pretty good - the women, the alcohol - maybe if you guys cut down on all that stuff, you could afford a much nicer place, maybe get some flowers or something like that--" "Well, I'll be damned." "And the swearing, too - it's just my way of protecting you." The Acolytes throw beer cans at Angle and tell him not to return.

Hey, now the Big Show's eatin' some Chef Boyardee overstuffed ravioli!

Backstage, the Big Boss Man is giving some pointers in nightstickery to Stephanie while Bull Buchanan looks on. Kurt Angle walks by in a huff. "Hey Kurt, what's up?" "I got this problem with the Big Show, and the Acolytes just kicked me out--hey, you guys don't like the Big Show, right?" "As a matter of fact, I yanked his dead daddy right off the grave - drove him through the cemetary - at a high rate of speed!" "Riiiight...anyway, maybe you could beat him up backstage, or take him outin the parking lot and have some kinda match or something." Stephanie is inspired to book a handicap match. Buchanan gets beeped on "bastard." Kurt is quite grateful to Stephanie. "My pleasure, Kurt."

HARDY BOYZ v. HARDCORE & CRASH HOLLY (with Scale Holly) - it's a fatal four-way Sunday for the hardcore championship - the Hollys, Perry Saturn and Tazz. Tonight, Hardcore has promised on the Hardy name that he wouldn't try for the Hardcore title tonight. Hardcore and Matt start, Holly pounding away. Matt fires back - off the ropes, but into a powerslam by Holly. Cover - 1. Clubbing forearm to the back, into the ropes, knockdown. Kick, kick, kick, into the opposite corner, back elbow up from Matt, boot up, on the second turnbuckle, legdrop - 1, 2, no! Into the ropes is reversed, head down, kick by Hardy, clothesline by Holly, Carsh tagged in, knockdown. Into the ropes, back elbow, cover, 2, kickout. Scoop - and a slam. Holly goes outside and scales the turnbuckles - but lands wrong on a boot - with his groin. Hardcore tagged in - hot tag to Jeff! Knockdown, knockdown, head to the buckle, kick, kick, kick, double whip into the corner, all fours heel kick, cover, Crash breaks it up. Matt tosses Crash through the ropes, then suplexes Hardcore while Jeff goes up to finish it - but Crash takes Jeff out with a trashcan lid, and he falls back into the ring. Best Dropkick in the Business by Hardcore! Cover - 1, 2, 3!! (2:38) The Hardys plead their case, but to no avail. Crash collects his hat and scale - but before he's up the ramp, the Hardys grab him and bring him back in the ring! "The Hollys - the Hardys - I'll get it right in a minute..." Doubleteam beatdown - double suplex attempt is flipped out - Crash dumps Matt to the outside, then boosts Jeff onto the turnbuckle as we look back up to see Hardcore looking on - then PERRY SATURN running by to join the fray - nice eyebrow raisin' by Hardcore there. Back to the ring - split-legged moonsault by Jeff - 1, 2, Saturn breaks it up!

Chyna models another frock while Guerrero hams it up a bit - wait - make that *chorizos* it up a bit - aie-yi-yi

You know, I'm starting to get the feeling that Vince is being saved for the top of the hour. Don't tell me THAT isn't designed....

Trish has a new outfit - and some new words. "Buh-Buh, upkeep is very important." She sprays the table, then takes a cloth and wipes... "The look and feel of the table depends solely on the way one decides to rub it down after it's been used - and the more you rub it, the better the wood starts to look!" Hey, why's she polishing tables when she could be POLISHING MY KNOB

WELL IT'S THE BIG FUNKY v. BIG BOSS MAN & BULL BUCHANAN in a handicap match - I feel like I've seen this match before, only Bull was Prince Albert. Show punches Boss Man, Show punches Buchanan, the numbers get the better of him, double kick, double slide under the ropes, they pull his legs to take him down. Both men pounding away, but Show absorbs it all and comes right back. Buchanan sent to the outside, but he holds on and skins the cat (sorta) - but he's caught in the choke! Boss Man over, he's got him in the back - whip is reversed, now HE is in the choke. Buchanan breaks THAT up. They both work on him, double whip, duck, double clothesline by the Show. He's making the sign - but before we get ahhhhhTHEDOUBLECHOKESLAAAAAAAAM, KURT ANGLE is out to Golota Show (DQ 1:22) - then - HOLY CRAP! He just caught Show in the Olympic Slam! Angle celebrates, then everybody gets to stomping - until the music plays and the ACOLYTES come out to take a measure of revenge on the boys in black, Angle having wisely scattered at the first sign of music. After they all depart, Show's music plays again and he gives us one of those "I'm fuming with anger" looks. You can damn sure bet it'll be no picnic Sunday, that's fer damn sure! (And when I say "no picnic," I'm really implying "for Herb Kunze")

Backstage, a limo pulls up - and Vince McMahon exits! And now he's WALKING! Hmmm, that limo parked right next to the DX Express... Ross reminds us that Vince is "the evil genius." And he's NEXT!

More tape from Trish: "Hey Buh-Buh - you know the most important part of any table is its legs - but you should know that because you have such big, strong ones. They come in all different shapes and sizes, but the most important one is the center leg, because without it " - she pushes the table over - " you can't keep it up!"

It's 2158 and time for BILLIONAIRE VINCE (with RAW credits & TV-14-DLV ratings box) to share a few words with us. "Thank you very much. You know..." he pauses to try to get the chant going. "Now that you've gotten that out of your systems, there I was, last week, in Europe doing business - and my family, their actions in this ring last week were deplorable, reprehensible...I mean, my very own wife (Linda) walks down the ramp, steps into the ring, and in the interest (and I quote) - in the interest 'of fairness,' announces that at Backlash, at the pay-per-view this Sunday, when I'm in Triple H's corner, my wife (Linda) announces that in the Rock's corner will be Stone Cold Steve Austin!" Ross: "TWO ORGASMS! WAIT - THREE! THREE SIXTEEN, JUST LIKE AUSTIN! OH HELL YEAH!"

STONE COLD STRIKES: Austin runs his monster truck over the Rock's new Lincoln Continental, then drinks a light beer. From RAW, April 1999.

"Oh, I can assure you the Rock was not cheering that night, Rock didn't have a good time. As a matter of fact, remember this. It was that night that Rock vowed two things - number one, he'd never drive his personal car to an arena again; number two, no matter what, he would get even - he VOWED to get even with Stone Cold Steve Austin, and you know, Rock, after a number of failures in an attempt to get even with Stone Cold, finally Rock you succeeded, didn't you, some seven months later? And once again, Rock, it was your car. Remember Survivor Series? Remember the fact that Austin was run over by an automobile? A hit and Run? Whose care was it? It was the Rock's rent-a-car. I bet you'd forgotten that. Now Rock wasn't driving, no, he had an airtight alibi - however, how convenient for the Rock, and you gotta ask yourself if you're Stone Cold Steve Austin, which superstar more than any other would benefit mostly by putting Stone Cold on the shelf? Think about it. Only one - the Rock. So Rock, oh yeah, Rock got right out there in the express lane on that superhighway to stardom that Stone Cold Steve Austin built - not a thing in his way - that was a highway that Stone Cold and Yours Truly (Vince McMahon) paved, PAVED the way for your success, Rock! So, I leave you, Rock, and all of my fellow North Carolinians with this thought: and that is, Rock, when you think about Stone Cold for all these very many months, convalescing after the neck surgery, trying to heal up - you think about the fact that you stole Stone Cold Steve Austin's spot, you think about all the coincidences, I think, Rock, you gotta be thinking about one thing, and that comes straight from Stone Cold Steve Austin's mouth - three initials, everybody, just three! D - T - A - Don't Trust Anybody. So I ask you, Rock - Rock, can you truly trust Stone Cold Steve Austin in your corner this Sunday? Huh? Can you? Or will Austin strike - if Austin strikes, he won't be striking me, he won't be striking Triple H, no, he's gonna strike the Rock, and drive that venom, that deadly venom right into the Rock's flesh! So after this Sunday's over, Rock, and once again you have failed to become World Wrestling Federation champion, then and only then, Rock, it will dawn on you - just how appropriate the name of this pay-per-view truly is. BACKLASH." Lawler is all over this - "everything he said was the truth!" Ross has no answer.

"The Rock: The People's Champ" video & DVD (with extras!) come out TOMORROW!

Eddie and Chyna show off their outfits. They're giddy with...but wait! Guerrero has a match in ten minutes! He better lose that tux! Oh, wait - they're gonna DO IT! EWWWWWWW!

THA GODFATHA & AL SNOW (with Head & eight - no, four ho's) v. D'LO BROWN & STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh - and no cheese) - Snow is dressed up as D'Lo Brown, and Head has a hat, glasses and cigar. It's after 10, so "bitches" isn't muted. Let Us Take You Back to D'Lo dissolving HIS team's partnership - I guess it's assumed that you saw Snow and Blackman break up last night on Heat. That Hardys/Blackman & Snow match was probably match of the week, by the way - since nothing appears to be happening tonight, match-wise.

STONE COLD STRIKES: RAW, September 1998: Zamboni fu!

Exterior of the rainy Raleigh

Vinnie's Steak House & Tavern gets a plug on the EntertainmentTron - DUSTY ANDERSON is the propreitor - and he's got a hot chick in his lap! Yeah!

Trish Stratus sprawls on a table and shows us her tits again. "Mmm, lying on these tables gets me so excited! But it's not just the same without you, Buh-Buh Ray Dudley. But if you play your right, at Backlash, there'll be a table set for two - from me - to you." Then she blows a kiss.

EDDIE GUERRERO (with That Slut Chyna) v. BALD VENIS in a nontitle match - Chyna mixes up the routine with the roses by taking one out of Guerrero's mouth - with HER mouth. Yow! RAW is WAR is brought to you by Burger King, RC Edge, and Chef Boyardee Overstuff Ravioli! So Eddie's prom just happens to be in Washington, DC - THE EXACT SAME CITY as Backlash? Guerrero has Venis check out Chyna...then waylays him while he's looking the other way. Ha! Kick, stomp, stomp, into the ropes, drops down, high knee - scoop slam, outside the ring, back in with the patented headbutt, 1, 2, no. Insurrextion is 6 May in the UK! Venis blocks and strikes with a big ol' suplex - stomp, stomp, knee, right, suplex - Guerrero rolls it up for 2. Clothesline by Guerrero - elbowdrop, 1, 2, no. Head to the buckle. Shoulder in the gut. Into the oppostie corner, Venis puts up a boot, running lariat. Venis ducks a clothesline, kick to the gut, right, into the ropes, back elbow, elbowdrop, off the ropes with a kneedrop, damn it's fast, 1, 2, Eddie rolls a shoulder and Chyna rolls her eyes. Guerrero slides under, but Venis catches the attempted kick, spins him around, gutshot, Guerrero feeds him the leg for the fishermanplex - 1, 2, NO! That move NEVER works! Hey, is that your sign, Todd? Right by Venis, into the ropes, head down, tried the backdrop but Eddie reverses into a 'rana! 1, 2, no! Into the ropes, duck under, go behind, standing switch of the waistlock, Guerrero pushes Venis through the ropes to the outside, Chyna PASTES him and puts him back in. Referee "Blind" Jack Doan JUST missed it. Stomp, stomp, stomp - ESSA RIOS & LITA are out - Chyna quickly shoves Lita away, then dumps Rios over her head to the apron. Lita still manages to climb up to the top turnbuckle and dive off with a plancha onto Chyna - ouch. Meanwhile, in the ring, Venis takes Eddie down with a spinebuster - it's the Money Shot - good night. 1, 2, 3. (3:41) Rios and Lita hit the ring and stomp all over Guerrero until Chyna makes it back in the ring - Lita *almost* gets caught again but they manage to make their leave. Replay of the plancha. While Chyna and Guerrero try to figure out what went on, Ross sneaks in

Lewis vs. Grant is Saturday! Hey, who are THOSE funny lookin' wrestlers?

And now...the Slam of the Week, brought to you by Castrol Motor Oily! Chyna throws Lita to the Dudleyz, who promptly put her through a table - from SmackDown!

THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ v. EDGE (you Pizzeria Uno him) & CHRISTIAN in a nontitle match - like every other match, Ross promises that the tag team title match Sunday with X-Pac & Road Dogg will most certainly be "hellacious." D-Von and Edge start - Edge ducks a punch, right, right, side headlock, to the ropes, powering out, knockdown by Edge, off the ropes, leapfrog, arm wringer, reversed, into the corner, D-Von knocks him down, tag to Christian, drop toehold, tag to Buh-Buh Ray, right, right, he's mouthy! Right, into the ropes, big back body drop, right, did he just call Edge a queer? Golly! Scoops him up, on his shoulder, powerslam. Lawler: "I don't mind so much a guy kickin' my butt, but I hate for him to talk to me while he's doin' it!" Shot for Edge to distract "Blind" Mike Chioda while D-Von does his "headbutt to the graun" spot. Switch without a tag, off the ropes, big back elbow by Dudley, tag to Buh-Buh Ray, in the corner, open-handed slap, another gunshot...and now the music fires up and out come T&A, who drag out a table with TRISH STRATUS (the fitness model) on top of it. Christian manages a 'rana, but Dudley takes him down with a full nelson buttdrop sitdown whatever thingy. Buh-Buh Ray notices the goin's on and gets all mesmermized on us. Christian takes advantage of the distraction to catch Dudley in the Slop Drop - 1, 2, no! Tag to Edge - Dudley in the corner, double whip out - all fours assist on the splash! I am OFFENDED hearing our commentators pronounce Stratus "restaurant quality!" Right from Edge, (does he have a black eye there?), off the ropes with a lariat. Right, kick, right, look at Trish, distracting D-Von, doubleteam behind the ref's back, tag to Christian, into the ropes, two heads down - Dudley kicks Christian, and ducks the charge from Edge - Buh-Buh Cutter! Buh-Buh Ray should tag - but he looks upward - there IS the tag, though - D-Von goes to work - punch, punch, back body drop, jumping neckbreaker - 1, 2, Christian kicks out! All four men in - Edge to the corner, Buh-Buh Ray misses the splash - all fours assist on the splash - but Buh-Buh Ray springs off the turnbuckle, meeting him HARD on the way down! Cover - 1, 2, Christian saves it! Buh-Buh Ray goes for Christian - blocked, but he has him in position - D-Von over - double neckbreaker! Christian is rolled outside while they set up Edge - but Stratus has taken her coat off - instead of them doing 3D (Dudley Death Drop), Edge ends up - well, we don't see it - I think Christian runs at both of them, knocking Edge on top of D-Von in a cover - 1, 2, 3. (4:36) Buh-Buh Ray gives us his broad spectrum of funny faces as he realises he's just been snookered.

Wow! A DOOR! With "THE ROCK" written on it!!!!

The WWF Divas are appearing in RAW Magazine! They're all greased up, bikini'd up and ready for your money! Be sure and - Heeeeeeeeeeey, that's the OLD RAW logo! Boo hiss! Discontinuity! I mean - WOW! LOOKIT ALL THEM *BREASTESSES!*

RUNKLES!!

Buy Backlash and get a WWF: the Music (Volume 3) CD! Oh boy!

MICHAEL KING COLE (what the HELL did he do to his hair? Is it YELLOW now?) tries to interview the Rock

Triple H and Stephanie get out of their bus - and they're WALKING! "I tell you, Steph...if this turns out to be a handicap match - somebody better have my damn back." "Don't worry..." "Oh, I'm worried."

One more Backlash ad for good measure

CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with WWF Backlash is brought to you by Castrol GTX - Drive Hard! Backlash is Sunday from Washington, DC!) and LA ROCA v. TREBLE H (with Stephanie Ono) (& ?) - "Now I know that you guys were kinda hoping that this would be a handicap match - sorry to disappoint - let me introduce to you my tag team partner - the World Wrestling Federation intercontinental champion - the Crippler, CHRIS BENOIT." Well, that actually makes sense - Jericho has that issue with him, and all. Wot? "Now, just so there's no screwy referee business - we don't want any Earl Hebners around here - let me introduce to you, the Special Referee for this match - my brother-in-law, SHANE McMAHON!" Did ANYBODY doubt this? Mike Chioda is dispatched to the back. "Whoa whoa whoa whoa - wait wait wait - I forgot, one last thing - not that I asked for this, but let me introduce you to the man who will be in our corner at Backlash, and the man who will be in our corner right now - VINCE McMAHON!" Once again, "No Chance in Hell" plays as Vince comes out feigning surprise. Ross expresses his desire for Stone Cold Steve Austin to be here right now - a thought he silently expresses EVERY WAKING MOMENT. Benoit and Jericho will start. Lockup, right, right, Benoit puts him in the ropes, duck, back elbow by Jericho, stomp, stomp, right, into the corner is reversed, sternum first for Jericho, flips up and out, they exchange knife-edge chops - three apiece - headbutt by Benoit. Into the corner is reversed, Jericho with the bulldog - cover - out at 2 on a fair count. Tag to the Rock - right, right, right, right, into the ropes, duck, Benoit chops, chop, kick, headbutt, off the ropes but Rock puts him over the top to the outside - and beckons to Triple H. H making faces just long enough to let Benoit get in the shot from behind - right. Tag to Triple H, open kick, right, right, right, right, right, Rock with a right, trading, trading, trading, trading, now just the Rock, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, duck, high knee