/24 April 2000
WWF RAW is WAR
QUOTE: WWFE 15 11/16 (+ 2 1/8)
TONIGHT: It's LIVE! LIVE! Will we see more treatment of the Rock like we did on SmackDown! (seen in this here clip - Ross almost called the night of SmackDown! "Wednesday")? Also, Vince McMahon is back from Europe and in the house tonight, oh boy! Hey! Think we're gonna reveal any matches in this promo? THINK AGAIN! LIVE!
TV-14-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Opening Credits AND Close Captioned Logo
BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM WE ARE LIVE 24.4.2K from the Entertainment & Sports Arena (c'mon, is it REALLY called that?) in RAWleigh, NC, broadcast on USA and maybe TSN and oh, by the way, I'm writing this report NAKED
KURT ANGLE v. RIKISHI PHATU - "The question on everyone's mind is, 'why Kurt?' Why set aside your quest for championship gold to concentrate on the Big Show? Well, the answer is quite simple, if you'll pardon my expression, but the Big Show is a big ass. And I do not like, nor do I appreciate big asses, and speaking of big asses, my opponent tonight is Rikishi. And maybe if Rikishi's parents would have practiced abstinence, we wouldn't be exposed to that awful, repulsive rectum that he carries with him today - it's true, it's true." Ross, on behalf of the WWF, passes on condolences to X-Pac's family "for their recent loss" - he'll be off tonight. Angle rushes Phatu, but gets shoved down. Again he tries to jab, jab, jab, but again he's powered away. Right hand, right hand, into the ropes, head down - Angle goin to try a suplex - yeah, right. Phatu reverses with one of his own. Into the ropes, Angle tries a Sunset flip, fails, but evades the big ass. WOW!! BELLY TO BELLY!! Angle's impressive - well, Phatu's impressive for being able to flip like that, sure - yeah, maybe we all heard Angle say "go" - but hey, ANGLE! THE MAN! Angle trying to keep up the advantage - right, right, right, right, right, running clothesline in the corner, another running clothesline - no effect on the big man. Phatu with a clothesline, whip into the corner, whip into the opposite corner, warming up his rump, but Angle evades the splash by a timing intervention of referee "Blind" Mike Sparks. Well, actually, he shoves him into Phatu. Sparks is not amused, and DQ's Angle. Woof. (DQ 1:23) WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW is out - well it's a big sidewalk slam for Angle - and Phatu adds the stinkface now that he's got the chance. Hey, is Show a face now? Well, he's outside, chasing after Angle - no, wait - Angle runs off and Show hits the ring - will they come to blows? No, Show produces a pair of glasses for Phatu, places them on his face and walks off. Hmm, maybe he IS turning face. There's a high five, then Show takes off and Phatu dances for us. Hee hee, lookit the fat man dance!
Backstage, the DX Express arrives - and Shane, Steph and Triple H exit as we hear "The Kings" blaring (what?) - oh hey! They're WALKING!
The FRAM trap of the Week, from last week's RAW, is Linda's block/slap combo on her own daughter, Triple H's "maybe" Pedigree attempt on Linda, and Shane's subsequent wafflin'. Let's take an ad break!
TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL has a few words via tape: "Buh-Buh Ray, there is something about tables that just - drives me crazy. There's - long ones. Those are fun. Oh and then there's round ones - I like those. And there's larger ones - and then there's smaller ones - depending on what kind of company you have. But the one thing that they all have to have in common is that they all have to be (knocks on wood) *hard*." Well, she still can't act, but she's hardly wearin' nothin' and I'm REALLY lonely
Is it just me, or does EVERY show start with a Rikishi Phatu match, immediately followed in segment two by TREBLE H & STEPHANIE ONO & SKIPPY come out to talk for about twenty minutes? Hey, have you noticed that they've settled on constantly referring to that troika as the "McMahon-Helmsley Regime," instead of the former favourite, makes-no-sense "McMahon-Helmsley Era?" Sign in crowd: "Where's Flex Kavana" Shane talks fast and I hate transcribing him. "All right, first things first. Our pops, Vinnie Mac, will be here momentarily to grace all of you with his presence. But in the meantime, I have something to say. You see, sometimes, yes, I can be a bit of a hothead, and Triple H, I owe you an apology for my actions last Monday night. Actually, that chant is a little warranted, because my actions might have reflected that. Triple H, I now know that you love the McMahon family as much as I do, and I know that you would never, ever Pedigree our mother, your mother-in-law in this ring, ever! So Hunter, I owe you an apology, I'm sorry that I hit you in the face. You see, you don't understand what this means - you're the greatest brother-in-law a guy could ever have - I mean, I - I never had a big brother and - Hunter, I just gotta say I'm sorry, and - I LOVE YOU, MAN." Ross: "Pass the barf bag! This is nauseating!" Faux tears are shed amongst the embracing two men. Stephanie's turn. "Ohh, you guys..." another hug. "You guys, you just - you warm my heart - but you know, I'd like to apologise, too. I'd like to apologise to all of you if I have in any way ever hurt your feelings with my actions. Because, I can empathize. I know what it's like to have my feelings hurt.
I mean, you guys
only see one side of me. Ask my husband and my brother - I'm a DEEPLY
caring soul. And I'm extraordinarily sensitive! When you all chant that
name at me, I ALMOST CRY!" God, she's annoying. "You know, it's just
extremely unfair how you can all pass judgement without knowing the REAL
me." More hugs all around. "Steph, I couldn't agree with you more, and I
know you've apologised to the people here about things you've done, and
hell, I think that they owe you a big apology - because, really, they don't
know anything about you. They're the ones that should be apologising. But
you know..." H pauses to feed another "ass hole" chant "If ya hold up for a
minute, I'm about to pour my heart out to ya - because I would also like to
apologise to all of you. It's been brought to my attention as of late that
many of you feel that I have been...unfair in some of the business
decisions that have been made here in the World Wrestling Federation. I
mean, you be the judge. Was it unfair of me to take Chris Jericho's big
'win' and strike it from the record books so that it never existed, it
never took place? Was it unfair that I take an incompetent referee such as
Earl Hebner, humiliate and fire him on national television? And, is it
unfair to make - the ROCK [crowd: "He said the Rock's name!"] - compete in
a lumberjack match SO CLOSE to Backlash, knowing that he's gonna get his
ass kicked right before he steps into the ring with me to get his ass
kicked again? I mean, I don't know - I am not an unfair guy. I
mean...really, Shane you know me well, Steph, I mean, if there's anything
I am, it's fair. That's why, in the effort of fairness, tonight--" the Y2J
countdown cuts him off. Here's CHRIS
MONDAY JERICHO with mic in hand.
"Welcome to RAW is JERICHO! And Triple H, the only thing you need to
apologise for is for BORING these Jerichoholics half to death! I mean WEEK
after WEEK you do these whiny, tedious interviews - don't you realise that
nobody gives a damn about what you have to say? So I'm BEGGIN' you, no,
I'm PLEADING with you, PLEASE - PUH-LEEZE, SHUT THE HELL UP! And you wanna
talk about being fair - I think, if you really wanna be fair, Trip, you
should agree to give Y2J a rematch for the World Wrestling Federation
championship - and I think you should do it TONIGHT!" "Well, let me think
about that...hmmm...do you think that I would really come out here and
reward YOU for stickin' your nose in business it doesn't belong in - do you
think that I would really reward YOU for coming out here week after week
and saying derogatory comments to my wife? I know that maybe you don't
think it bothers her, but she's very sensitive. Stephanie is very delicate
- she's like a little flower." "Flower? I'd have to say that little
Stephy Baby lost her flower - A LONG TIME AGO. I mean, how else do you
think she became a filthy, dirty, disgusting, skanky, brutal,
bottom-feeding trashbag ho in the first place?!" "Hey Jericho, I'm sick
and tired of YOU disparaging my sister, I'm sick and tired of the Rock
making comments about my sister - this is a matter of pride! Let me tell
you one thing, tonight, me and the World Wrestling Federation champion
Triple H, wanna take on you, Y2J, and the Rock!" "I'll tell you what,
that's a damn good idea, so as far as your shot at the World Wrestling
Federation championship, ya little hot-headed half-pint - that request is
denied. Now, as far as you getting your ass kicked, right here tonight on
RAW, pal, you're in luck." Stephanie taunts Jericho by waving the title
belt in front of him - Jericho walks over, pulls down the title from
Stephanie and takes off up the ramp. Triple H follows - Jericho WAFFLES
him with the title belt and throws the title on his corpse. Play his music!
When we last left, Eddie Guerrero he'd received his GED. Sunday - not only will he take on Essa Rios, but he'll also have his prom! We see Guerrero show off his green jacket and tuxedo T-shirt. Chyna expresses disapproval. "You look like a Gumby reject!" Guerrero says it was da bomb at his cousin Chewie's wedding - his heat makes anything look good! Chyna: "Next..." Just before we go to break, Ross slips in that (chrisbenoittheroaddoggNEXT)!
WWF Backlash is SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY
Moments Ago, three paragraphs ago - thievery, nailery, tag teamery
"During the Break," Chris Jericho was WALKING! But Chris Benoit snuck up from behind and waffled HIM with the IC title belt! "Here's another championship you're never gonna get!" And a stomp for good measure.
ROAD DOGG v. CHRIS BENOIT for the intercontinental title - If we're lucky, we'll get to hear Dogg say "North Cackalacki" -- OH MAN! HE SAID IT!! For some reason, Dogg tells us if we ain't down with Dennis Knight, he's got two words for us. Wonder what THAT'S about. Hey, where IS Mideon, late- oh, sorry. Say, aren't these two guys competing tonight tangential chums for purposes of storyline? Before the match starts, EDGE & CHRISTIAN come out for no reason - notice how the camera is actually trained right on them, yet we keep cutting to all them other swirly shots - I guess the director didn't see them even if you and I did...
Our tag team
champions are apparently here to provide commentary. Christian: "...the
reason why we're here is, you see, in about three or four minutes, if ah
Road Dogg here in fact does have the upper hand, you know maybe he's
gettin' jiggy and maybe throwin' some jabs or something like that, we're
basically gonna interfere and cost him the match." Edge: "You know what,
in wrestling circles, that's called a 'run-in,' derived from the fact that
as it looks like Road Dogg's about to win that match we're gonna cause him
to lose." Lawler: "A 'run-in?'" Edge: "Yeah." Lawler: "Hey, JR, they're
gonna do a run-in!" Ross: "That's what I've heard - I'm somewhat shocked at
their bluntness" Lawler: (to Edge & Christian) "Sometimes JR can be sorta
markish." Edge: "Well, I know he's a mark for Edge and Christian, and damn
well he should be." At least these guys have saved me the bother of
play-by-play by promising the screwjob ahead of time. TORI comes out -
apparently she was listening to the commentary out on the back and she's
going to try to put a stop to any nefarious plans. There's something
surreal about listening to these guys blatantly promising a run-in. Okay,
well at least they say it's retaliation for the two singles losses they
suffered on SmackDown! due to Dogg & "X-Pick's" interference... So let's
get to the run-in already. Later tonight, the champs have another match
with the Dudleyz. These guys are pretty good speakers tonight! "This a
good time?" "Yeah, I think this is a good time..." Lawler: "It's a
run-in! It's a run-in, JR!" While Christian climbs up the steps, Tori
following, referee "Blind" Jim Korderas dutifully walks over to try to
prevent any shenanigans - of course, behind his back, Edge spears Dogg.
Benoit hits a top-rope swandive headbut and secures the
Lawler: "Man - can you believe it? Edge & Christian came out here and they
- they smartened us up to the fact that they were gonna do a run-in!" I'm
sure there's some sort of conspiracy theory that says they're trying to
give out some free advice to their friends down south - "see, HERE'S how
you do a 'smart' angle" - but why would they want to help their friends
down south? So instead, I'll just speculate that it's more of a "fuck you"
and a demonstration that anything Russo can (try to) do, the current
writers at WWF can do better. By the way, before you write me, may I take
this opportunity to remind you that I'm biased and have no problems telling
you when something entertains me (or doesn't) and it's not stated as fact,
but rather, my opinion, and BY THE WAY this is NOT journalism, but despite
all that, you are free to email me as well as email@example.com
with all complaints, which may or may not be cheerfully ignored. Edge &
Christian hit the ring after Benoit walks off and they doubleteam Dogg -
sidewalk slam/neckbreaker combo. Tori is in and pulling Edge's hair - now
HE'S got HER hair - is he gonna kiss her? What's Val Venis think of that?
No he hands her over to Christian for his Slop Drop variant.
Kurt Angle knocks on the "under construction" door remnants of the APA. "Listen, I'm not sure how to do this, but can I pay you guys money to beat up the Big Show?" The Acolytes make some jokes at Angle's expense, and then says they'll protect him for a lotta money. Angle is off to get the money, but before he goes... "By the way, can I give you guys a little constructive criticism? Maybe if you guys cut down on the smoking, the gambling - three queens, that's pretty good - the women, the alcohol - maybe if you guys cut down on all that stuff, you could afford a much nicer place, maybe get some flowers or something like that--" "Well, I'll be damned." "And the swearing, too - it's just my way of protecting you." The Acolytes throw beer cans at Angle and tell him not to return.
Hey, now the Big Show's eatin' some Chef Boyardee overstuffed ravioli!
Backstage, the Big Boss Man is giving some pointers in nightstickery to Stephanie while Bull Buchanan looks on. Kurt Angle walks by in a huff. "Hey Kurt, what's up?" "I got this problem with the Big Show, and the Acolytes just kicked me out--hey, you guys don't like the Big Show, right?" "As a matter of fact, I yanked his dead daddy right off the grave - drove him through the cemetary - at a high rate of speed!" "Riiiight...anyway, maybe you could beat him up backstage, or take him outin the parking lot and have some kinda match or something." Stephanie is inspired to book a handicap match. Buchanan gets beeped on "bastard." Kurt is quite grateful to Stephanie. "My pleasure, Kurt."
HARDY BOYZ v. HARDCORE & CRASH HOLLY (with Scale Holly) - it's a fatal four-way Sunday for the hardcore championship - the Hollys, Perry Saturn and Tazz. Tonight, Hardcore has promised on the Hardy name that he wouldn't try for the Hardcore title tonight. Hardcore and Matt start, Holly pounding away. Matt fires back - off the ropes, but into a powerslam by Holly. Cover - 1. Clubbing forearm to the back, into the ropes, knockdown. Kick, kick, kick, into the opposite corner, back elbow up from Matt, boot up, on the second turnbuckle, legdrop - 1, 2, no! Into the ropes is reversed, head down, kick by Hardy, clothesline by Holly, Carsh tagged in, knockdown. Into the ropes, back elbow, cover, 2, kickout. Scoop - and a slam. Holly goes outside and scales the turnbuckles - but lands wrong on a boot - with his groin. Hardcore tagged in - hot tag to Jeff! Knockdown, knockdown, head to the buckle, kick, kick, kick, double whip into the corner, all fours heel kick, cover, Crash breaks it up. Matt tosses Crash through the ropes, then suplexes Hardcore while Jeff goes up to finish it - but Crash takes Jeff out with a trashcan lid, and he falls back into the ring. Best Dropkick in the Business by Hardcore! Cover - 1, 2, 3!! (2:38) The Hardys plead their case, but to no avail. Crash collects his hat and scale - but before he's up the ramp, the Hardys grab him and bring him back in the ring! "The Hollys - the Hardys - I'll get it right in a minute..." Doubleteam beatdown - double suplex attempt is flipped out - Crash dumps Matt to the outside, then boosts Jeff onto the turnbuckle as we look back up to see Hardcore looking on - then PERRY SATURN running by to join the fray - nice eyebrow raisin' by Hardcore there. Back to the ring - split-legged moonsault by Jeff - 1, 2, Saturn breaks it up!
Saturn tosses Jeff and suplexes Crash. TAZZZZZZZZ is out and
barrelling over Hardcore on his way to Saturn and breaking up the count.
Clothesline. Jeff with the swanton bomb - Matt Hardy covers! 1, 2, 3!
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new hardcore champion. (call it :57) Hardy
maketh sein timely egress whilst yon other competitors doth bringest the
pain amongst themselves - replays forthcoming
Chyna models another frock while Guerrero hams it up a bit - wait - make that *chorizos* it up a bit - aie-yi-yi
You know, I'm starting to get the feeling that Vince is being saved for the top of the hour. Don't tell me THAT isn't designed....
Trish has a new outfit - and some new words. "Buh-Buh, upkeep is very important." She sprays the table, then takes a cloth and wipes... "The look and feel of the table depends solely on the way one decides to rub it down after it's been used - and the more you rub it, the better the wood starts to look!" Hey, why's she polishing tables when she could be POLISHING MY KNOB
WELL IT'S THE BIG FUNKY v. BIG BOSS MAN & BULL BUCHANAN in a handicap match - I feel like I've seen this match before, only Bull was Prince Albert. Show punches Boss Man, Show punches Buchanan, the numbers get the better of him, double kick, double slide under the ropes, they pull his legs to take him down. Both men pounding away, but Show absorbs it all and comes right back. Buchanan sent to the outside, but he holds on and skins the cat (sorta) - but he's caught in the choke! Boss Man over, he's got him in the back - whip is reversed, now HE is in the choke. Buchanan breaks THAT up. They both work on him, double whip, duck, double clothesline by the Show. He's making the sign - but before we get ahhhhhTHEDOUBLECHOKESLAAAAAAAAM, KURT ANGLE is out to Golota Show (DQ 1:22) - then - HOLY CRAP! He just caught Show in the Olympic Slam! Angle celebrates, then everybody gets to stomping - until the music plays and the ACOLYTES come out to take a measure of revenge on the boys in black, Angle having wisely scattered at the first sign of music. After they all depart, Show's music plays again and he gives us one of those "I'm fuming with anger" looks. You can damn sure bet it'll be no picnic Sunday, that's fer damn sure! (And when I say "no picnic," I'm really implying "for Herb Kunze")
Backstage, a limo pulls up - and Vince McMahon exits! And now he's WALKING! Hmmm, that limo parked right next to the DX Express... Ross reminds us that Vince is "the evil genius." And he's NEXT!
More tape from Trish: "Hey Buh-Buh - you know the most important part of any table is its legs - but you should know that because you have such big, strong ones. They come in all different shapes and sizes, but the most important one is the center leg, because without it " - she pushes the table over - " you can't keep it up!"
It's 2158 and time for BILLIONAIRE VINCE (with RAW credits & TV-14-DLV ratings box) to share a few words with us. "Thank you very much. You know..." he pauses to try to get the chant going. "Now that you've gotten that out of your systems, there I was, last week, in Europe doing business - and my family, their actions in this ring last week were deplorable, reprehensible...I mean, my very own wife (Linda) walks down the ramp, steps into the ring, and in the interest (and I quote) - in the interest 'of fairness,' announces that at Backlash, at the pay-per-view this Sunday, when I'm in Triple H's corner, my wife (Linda) announces that in the Rock's corner will be Stone Cold Steve Austin!" Ross: "TWO ORGASMS! WAIT - THREE! THREE SIXTEEN, JUST LIKE AUSTIN! OH HELL YEAH!"
obviously, that announcement enraged the rest of the McMahon family, who
came down to confront Linda. My daughter (Stephanie) asked my wife (Linda)
- please change your mind, she pleaded with her, and then my daughter
attempted to strike my wife, who blocked that, and then knocked my very own
daughter (Stephanie) down to the canvas! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?" Did
Vince think we didn't watch the show last week? This isn't "Mystery" on
PBS, here! "And then, to make matters worse, Triple H takes my wife and
hooks her up and attempts to give her the Pedigree, and then my son (Shane)
knocks Triple H on his ass. And then, my daughter (Stephanie) gets in
between her husband (Triple H) and her brother (Shane McMahon), proceededs
[proceededs?] to slap both of them repeatedly, and then Stephanie gets
absolutely hysterical! Now is it my imagination, or am I (Vince McMahon)
the *only* level-headed, sane member of the McMahon family? And you know,
Triple H, Triple H, you may have convinced some of the family members that
you weren't REALLY going to Pedigree Linda; you were just trying to scare
her. I'm not so sure that I'm convinced. So therefore, Triple H, I know
you can hear me - I want you to read my lips when I tell you DON'T YOU EVER
TOUCH MY WIFE AGAIN." Ross: "Now you're making some sense, Mr. McMahon!"
Me: "Ugggggggh. Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh." "And as far as your tag team match
tonight, Triple H, you're going to have to find another tag team partner
other than my son (Shane), because Shane has been assigned new duties
[lemme guess: special guest referee], so therefore, Triple H, hopefully you
can find a new tag team partner; if you can't, well, guess what Triple H,
In This Very Ring, Triple H will have to face BOTH the Rock and Jericho in
a handicap match. Now as far as Backlash and Stone Cold is concerned..."
Ross: "HE SAID STONE COLD! STONE COLD!" "NOBODY knows Stone Cold Steve
Austin like I do. And Rock, Rock I know if you're thinking that Austin,
Rock, is going to the promised land of the WWF Championship this Sunday,
you'd better think again - as a matter of fact, Rock, I think you should be
thinking about a little history, Rock. Maybe now we should take a little
stroll down memory lane, Rock, 'cause it was just about a year ago, that's
right, a year ago this month, Rock, that something happened between you and
Stone Cold." "Rock E!" "Just to refresh your memories, take a look at the
TitanTron - this was only one year ago..."
STONE COLD STRIKES: Austin runs his monster truck over the Rock's new Lincoln Continental, then drinks a light beer. From RAW, April 1999.
"Oh, I can assure you the Rock was not cheering that night, Rock didn't have a good time. As a matter of fact, remember this. It was that night that Rock vowed two things - number one, he'd never drive his personal car to an arena again; number two, no matter what, he would get even - he VOWED to get even with Stone Cold Steve Austin, and you know, Rock, after a number of failures in an attempt to get even with Stone Cold, finally Rock you succeeded, didn't you, some seven months later? And once again, Rock, it was your car. Remember Survivor Series? Remember the fact that Austin was run over by an automobile? A hit and Run? Whose care was it? It was the Rock's rent-a-car. I bet you'd forgotten that. Now Rock wasn't driving, no, he had an airtight alibi - however, how convenient for the Rock, and you gotta ask yourself if you're Stone Cold Steve Austin, which superstar more than any other would benefit mostly by putting Stone Cold on the shelf? Think about it. Only one - the Rock. So Rock, oh yeah, Rock got right out there in the express lane on that superhighway to stardom that Stone Cold Steve Austin built - not a thing in his way - that was a highway that Stone Cold and Yours Truly (Vince McMahon) paved, PAVED the way for your success, Rock! So, I leave you, Rock, and all of my fellow North Carolinians with this thought: and that is, Rock, when you think about Stone Cold for all these very many months, convalescing after the neck surgery, trying to heal up - you think about the fact that you stole Stone Cold Steve Austin's spot, you think about all the coincidences, I think, Rock, you gotta be thinking about one thing, and that comes straight from Stone Cold Steve Austin's mouth - three initials, everybody, just three! D - T - A - Don't Trust Anybody. So I ask you, Rock - Rock, can you truly trust Stone Cold Steve Austin in your corner this Sunday? Huh? Can you? Or will Austin strike - if Austin strikes, he won't be striking me, he won't be striking Triple H, no, he's gonna strike the Rock, and drive that venom, that deadly venom right into the Rock's flesh! So after this Sunday's over, Rock, and once again you have failed to become World Wrestling Federation champion, then and only then, Rock, it will dawn on you - just how appropriate the name of this pay-per-view truly is. BACKLASH." Lawler is all over this - "everything he said was the truth!" Ross has no answer.
"The Rock: The People's Champ" video & DVD (with extras!) come out TOMORROW!
Eddie and Chyna show off their outfits. They're giddy with...but wait! Guerrero has a match in ten minutes! He better lose that tux! Oh, wait - they're gonna DO IT! EWWWWWWW!
THA GODFATHA & AL SNOW (with Head & eight - no, four ho's) v. D'LO BROWN & STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh - and no cheese) - Snow is dressed up as D'Lo Brown, and Head has a hat, glasses and cigar. It's after 10, so "bitches" isn't muted. Let Us Take You Back to D'Lo dissolving HIS team's partnership - I guess it's assumed that you saw Snow and Blackman break up last night on Heat. That Hardys/Blackman & Snow match was probably match of the week, by the way - since nothing appears to be happening tonight, match-wise.
Brown and Snow start up, Brown all over him. Off the
ropes with a high knee. In the corner, right, right, right, into the
opposite corner, Snow slides, kick, 'rana, right, right, right, right, into
the opposite corner, Brown goes sternum first, Snow with a clothesline, tag
to the Godfather. Brown tags in Blackman. Godfather runs him into the
corner, right, right, right, shot from Snow, into the ropes, knockdown by
Godfather, elbowdrop misses. Kick by Blackman, kick, dropkick, into the
ropes is reversed, duck, missile shoulderblock by Blackman. Backbreaker by
Blackman. Tag to D'Lo. Open gutshot, right, scoop - and a slam. Standing
flourished legdrop. Brown badmouthing Godfather - into the ropes, head
down, kick by Godfather, off the ropes with a flying clothesline - reaching
for Snow - got him. Snow ducks a clothesline, backdrop for Brown -
Blackman in, Snow knocks HIM down, all four men in now - Godfather and
Blackman brawling on the outside now - in the ring, Brown reverses a whip,
holds on and his Sky-Hi - and pins Snow. (2:32) Snow wants to
dance - but
the ho's aren't in the mood - "DANCE WITH ME!!!" - Godfather decks him and
then puts Snow outside. And NOW Godfather's in the mood to dance...Snow
relieves Head of her pimpwear, then proclaims "THAT IS THE LAST TIME--" and
we don't hear the end of it. Hey, that was probably important! You can't
see me shrug here, though, so I have to tell you I am. Kinda like this.
"Eh." Did you see it? HOLD THE PHONE! I CAN SEE ALMOST ALL OF THAT HO'S
STONE COLD STRIKES: RAW, September 1998: Zamboni fu!
Exterior of the rainy Raleigh
Vinnie's Steak House & Tavern gets a plug on the EntertainmentTron - DUSTY ANDERSON is the propreitor - and he's got a hot chick in his lap! Yeah!
Trish Stratus sprawls on a table and shows us her tits again. "Mmm, lying on these tables gets me so excited! But it's not just the same without you, Buh-Buh Ray Dudley. But if you play your right, at Backlash, there'll be a table set for two - from me - to you." Then she blows a kiss.
EDDIE GUERRERO (with That Slut Chyna) v. BALD VENIS in a nontitle match - Chyna mixes up the routine with the roses by taking one out of Guerrero's mouth - with HER mouth. Yow! RAW is WAR is brought to you by Burger King, RC Edge, and Chef Boyardee Overstuff Ravioli! So Eddie's prom just happens to be in Washington, DC - THE EXACT SAME CITY as Backlash? Guerrero has Venis check out Chyna...then waylays him while he's looking the other way. Ha! Kick, stomp, stomp, into the ropes, drops down, high knee - scoop slam, outside the ring, back in with the patented headbutt, 1, 2, no. Insurrextion is 6 May in the UK! Venis blocks and strikes with a big ol' suplex - stomp, stomp, knee, right, suplex - Guerrero rolls it up for 2. Clothesline by Guerrero - elbowdrop, 1, 2, no. Head to the buckle. Shoulder in the gut. Into the oppostie corner, Venis puts up a boot, running lariat. Venis ducks a clothesline, kick to the gut, right, into the ropes, back elbow, elbowdrop, off the ropes with a kneedrop, damn it's fast, 1, 2, Eddie rolls a shoulder and Chyna rolls her eyes. Guerrero slides under, but Venis catches the attempted kick, spins him around, gutshot, Guerrero feeds him the leg for the fishermanplex - 1, 2, NO! That move NEVER works! Hey, is that your sign, Todd? Right by Venis, into the ropes, head down, tried the backdrop but Eddie reverses into a 'rana! 1, 2, no! Into the ropes, duck under, go behind, standing switch of the waistlock, Guerrero pushes Venis through the ropes to the outside, Chyna PASTES him and puts him back in. Referee "Blind" Jack Doan JUST missed it. Stomp, stomp, stomp - ESSA RIOS & LITA are out - Chyna quickly shoves Lita away, then dumps Rios over her head to the apron. Lita still manages to climb up to the top turnbuckle and dive off with a plancha onto Chyna - ouch. Meanwhile, in the ring, Venis takes Eddie down with a spinebuster - it's the Money Shot - good night. 1, 2, 3. (3:41) Rios and Lita hit the ring and stomp all over Guerrero until Chyna makes it back in the ring - Lita *almost* gets caught again but they manage to make their leave. Replay of the plancha. While Chyna and Guerrero try to figure out what went on, Ross sneaks in
Lewis vs. Grant is Saturday! Hey, who are THOSE funny lookin' wrestlers?
And now...the Slam of the Week, brought to you by Castrol Motor Oily! Chyna throws Lita to the Dudleyz, who promptly put her through a table - from SmackDown!
THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ v. EDGE (you Pizzeria Uno him) & CHRISTIAN in a nontitle match - like every other match, Ross promises that the tag team title match Sunday with X-Pac & Road Dogg will most certainly be "hellacious." D-Von and Edge start - Edge ducks a punch, right, right, side headlock, to the ropes, powering out, knockdown by Edge, off the ropes, leapfrog, arm wringer, reversed, into the corner, D-Von knocks him down, tag to Christian, drop toehold, tag to Buh-Buh Ray, right, right, he's mouthy! Right, into the ropes, big back body drop, right, did he just call Edge a queer? Golly! Scoops him up, on his shoulder, powerslam. Lawler: "I don't mind so much a guy kickin' my butt, but I hate for him to talk to me while he's doin' it!" Shot for Edge to distract "Blind" Mike Chioda while D-Von does his "headbutt to the graun" spot. Switch without a tag, off the ropes, big back elbow by Dudley, tag to Buh-Buh Ray, in the corner, open-handed slap, another gunshot...and now the music fires up and out come T&A, who drag out a table with TRISH STRATUS (the fitness model) on top of it. Christian manages a 'rana, but Dudley takes him down with a full nelson buttdrop sitdown whatever thingy. Buh-Buh Ray notices the goin's on and gets all mesmermized on us. Christian takes advantage of the distraction to catch Dudley in the Slop Drop - 1, 2, no! Tag to Edge - Dudley in the corner, double whip out - all fours assist on the splash! I am OFFENDED hearing our commentators pronounce Stratus "restaurant quality!" Right from Edge, (does he have a black eye there?), off the ropes with a lariat. Right, kick, right, look at Trish, distracting D-Von, doubleteam behind the ref's back, tag to Christian, into the ropes, two heads down - Dudley kicks Christian, and ducks the charge from Edge - Buh-Buh Cutter! Buh-Buh Ray should tag - but he looks upward - there IS the tag, though - D-Von goes to work - punch, punch, back body drop, jumping neckbreaker - 1, 2, Christian kicks out! All four men in - Edge to the corner, Buh-Buh Ray misses the splash - all fours assist on the splash - but Buh-Buh Ray springs off the turnbuckle, meeting him HARD on the way down! Cover - 1, 2, Christian saves it! Buh-Buh Ray goes for Christian - blocked, but he has him in position - D-Von over - double neckbreaker! Christian is rolled outside while they set up Edge - but Stratus has taken her coat off - instead of them doing 3D (Dudley Death Drop), Edge ends up - well, we don't see it - I think Christian runs at both of them, knocking Edge on top of D-Von in a cover - 1, 2, 3. (4:36) Buh-Buh Ray gives us his broad spectrum of funny faces as he realises he's just been snookered.
Wow! A DOOR! With "THE ROCK" written on it!!!!
The WWF Divas are appearing in RAW Magazine! They're all greased up, bikini'd up and ready for your money! Be sure and - Heeeeeeeeeeey, that's the OLD RAW logo! Boo hiss! Discontinuity! I mean - WOW! LOOKIT ALL THEM *BREASTESSES!*
Buy Backlash and get a WWF: the Music (Volume 3) CD! Oh boy!
MICHAEL KING COLE (what the HELL did he do to his hair? Is it YELLOW now?) tries to interview the Rock
, who cuts him off and gives us
"Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK," suggests that maybe he and Austin
SHOULDN'T fully trust each other, but...they ARE unified on the fact that
they can NEVER trust the McMahons. 'sides, unlike Vince McMahon, Austin is
enough of a man that if he had something to say to the Rock, he'd say it to
the Rock's face. McMahon's running his mouth - he's suggesting the Rock
has had it easy, but the REAL definition of "easy" is his daughter
Stephanie. "Great One," "People's Champion," Rock starts talking faster
and faster, "layeth the smacketh down," "candyass," "the People's
Champion," now he stops...........how about another chant. "There's no
other way - if ya smellllllllllalalalalalaloooow - what the Rock - is
Triple H and Stephanie get out of their bus - and they're WALKING! "I tell you, Steph...if this turns out to be a handicap match - somebody better have my damn back." "Don't worry..." "Oh, I'm worried."
One more Backlash ad for good measure
CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with WWF Backlash is brought to you by Castrol GTX - Drive Hard! Backlash is Sunday from Washington, DC!) and LA ROCA v. TREBLE H (with Stephanie Ono) (& ?) - "Now I know that you guys were kinda hoping that this would be a handicap match - sorry to disappoint - let me introduce to you my tag team partner - the World Wrestling Federation intercontinental champion - the Crippler, CHRIS BENOIT." Well, that actually makes sense - Jericho has that issue with him, and all. Wot? "Now, just so there's no screwy referee business - we don't want any Earl Hebners around here - let me introduce to you, the Special Referee for this match - my brother-in-law, SHANE McMAHON!" Did ANYBODY doubt this? Mike Chioda is dispatched to the back. "Whoa whoa whoa whoa - wait wait wait - I forgot, one last thing - not that I asked for this, but let me introduce you to the man who will be in our corner at Backlash, and the man who will be in our corner right now - VINCE McMAHON!" Once again, "No Chance in Hell" plays as Vince comes out feigning surprise. Ross expresses his desire for Stone Cold Steve Austin to be here right now - a thought he silently expresses EVERY WAKING MOMENT. Benoit and Jericho will start. Lockup, right, right, Benoit puts him in the ropes, duck, back elbow by Jericho, stomp, stomp, right, into the corner is reversed, sternum first for Jericho, flips up and out, they exchange knife-edge chops - three apiece - headbutt by Benoit. Into the corner is reversed, Jericho with the bulldog - cover - out at 2 on a fair count. Tag to the Rock - right, right, right, right, into the ropes, duck, Benoit chops, chop, kick, headbutt, off the ropes but Rock puts him over the top to the outside - and beckons to Triple H. H making faces just long enough to let Benoit get in the shot from behind - right. Tag to Triple H, open kick, right, right, right, right, right, Rock with a right, trading, trading, trading, trading, now just the Rock, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, duck, high knee
, 1, 2, no! Another fair count. Right, right, right, stomp,
stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, standing on the neck, Vince likes it. Tag to
Benoit. "Rock E" chant. Rock springs up with a forearm! Jericho wants
the tag - he'll get it. Knockdown, chop, chop, into the ropes, reversed,
Triple H from behind, Jericho striks him back! Hot shot by Benoit as
Jericho charges him, though. Snap suplex by Benoit. Stomp, tag to H, head
to the buckle, Benoit stays in and chops away while H and Shane look over
at the Rock. H with about fifteen million stomps. Ross talks about Austin
'cause he's an idiot. Vertical suplex by Triple H - mean look for the
Rock, off the ropes with a kneedrop - 2 count only, though. Tag to Benoit.
Knife-edge chop - Jericho punches back, so H hooks his arms for ANOTHER
open shot as Shane turns his back. Into the ropes, big running lariat by
Benoit. Hooks the leg - only 2! Tag to H - Another open shot coming up -
right to the ribs. Benoit gets in a kick, too. Jericho blocks, H's head
to the buckle, trading blows, rights from Jericho, but H ends the rally
with a facebuster - 1, 2, no! H again taunts Rock - into the ropes, duck,
flying jalapeno by Jericho! Both men reaching for the tag...I wonder if
Shane will see it if it happens...tag to the Rock, tag to Benoit. Right,
right, right, Benoit falls down each time - Rock brings H in the hard way!
Right, right, right, spit, right! Gutshot and a DDT! Benoit headbutts
Rock from the apron - Jericho over, springing off with a dropkick! And now
he's outside and brawling with Benoit - ROCK BOTTOM in the ring! But
Stephanie's up on the ring and Shane's busy telling her to get off the
apron - Rock over to deal with Shane, VINCE in to try to get in a shot on
the Rock - but he turns around! Vince tries to escape, but Rock catches
him as he tries to go between the ropes. Benoit saves him with a shot from
behind - into the ropes, but Rock turns it around - spinebuster! Setting
him up for the People's Elbow, but Vince is in AGAIN - and he kicks him
right in the... stones! Pedigree. 1, 2, 3. (7:23) Ross swears
impunity ("Sonuvabitch! I can't believe this CRAP!") and then, for an
encore, says "Austin" seven times in three seconds. War Zone credits, one
more WWF logo and we're out.