KINGS UPDATE: Down 2-1, but MAN that was an awesome game to be at on Sunday. I hope it came across on TV how LOUD it was. Game 4 is at Arco tomorrow night, and who knows? I didn't think it'd get THIS far, so perhaps I'm better off staying pessimistic...

QUICK QUOTE: WWFE 18 1/8 (+ 2 7/16)

TONIGHT: We have a NEW World Wrestling Federation champion, and it is the Rock - but will the celebration be cut short? Word has it that the McMahons and Helmsley are in the house (wotta shock!). Translation: "this is a post-PPV show! Of COURSE we feel no need to tell you what's coming up! We know you'll watch it anyway!"

This show is close captioned, and has opening credits

And PYRO! And LIVENESS! And and and! It's May Day 2K - this is the sold out Baltimore Arena in Baltimore, MD - and thanks to the USA Network and possibly TSN, tonight...RAW - IS - WAR! EDGE (you sweet chariot swing low him) & CHRISTIAN come to the announce position from the aisle - must be time for some guest commentary!

THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ v. T&A (by their damn selves) - Let Us Take You Back to last night, and stills of Trish kissin' Buh-Buh Ray, but still going through the table. Didn't they ask us to PAY for this match last night? Well, I guess not THIS match. Besides, with Trish off convalescing, what's for us to watch? Eh? "Wrestling?" Touche. T&A storm the ring, 'cause they're ANGRY, boy. Pier Four brawl ensues, much to the chagrin of referee "Blind" Mike Chioda. Buh-Buh Ray is thrown out of the ring and D-Von feels the doubleteam. Head to the buckle, Test all over D-Von with kicks, shove for Chioda, hiptoss, into the ropes, duck, shoulderblock from D-Von. Edge is "shooting" with us tonight. Apparently, a lock of his hair went on Ebay for fifty bones! Tag to Buh-Buh Ray. Open shot, right, head to the buckle, open-handed slap, Test tries to fire back, now they're trading blows, now it's all Buh-Buh Ray in the corner. Elbow to the head, chop, punch, whip into the opposite corner is reversed, but Dudley puts the boot up - second rope clothesline - cover, 2. Crowd chanting "table." Vertical suplex. Edge refers to the Dudleyz' attire as "Bushwhackers 2000." Albert elbowed on the apron, drawing him in to distract the ref so we can get the "headbutt to the graun" spot. Edge is "sickened" by the table chants. Test whipped into the unfriendly corner, but he manages to back elbow D-Von, drawing HIM in to distract the ref. Whip into the corner is reversed, and Albert comes in for an illegal doubleteam. Albert stomping away. Uppercut, into the ropes, big shoulderblock. Catapult under the ropes, throating Buh-Buh Ray. Tag to Test - into the ropes, duck, big boot by Test. Tag to Albert. Into the corner, running splash misses, Buh-buh Cutter and both men are down. Both men tag! D-Von's a house on fire! Rights and clotheslines, alternating. Off the ropes with a flying fist to the back of Test's head - cover - 2. D-Von ducks an Albert clothesline and knocks HIM down. Double neckbreaker on Albert, which everyone in the audience confuses for 3D - but not Ross, at least tonight. As they set up Test for the 3D, Edge says "I think that's our cue" and then climbs up on the apron for the "run-in." D-Von covers but Chioda is over discussing kayfabe with Edge - Christian in and there's a Tomokaze on D-Von. Christian puts Test on top of him and Chioda turns around - 1, 2, 3. Two wins in a row over this team! (4:49)

The McMahons, DX and the Stooges are all WALKING!

Judgment day is coming!

Jakks Pacific "Trash Talkin' Stage" ad

Hey! There's some BALTIMORE ORIOLES in the crowd! I'm guessing that the babes DON'T play for the Orioles, though

The graphic says McMAHON-HELMSLEY REGIME, so I guess I will too. It's Segment Two and time for some talkin'. Oops, Lilian Garcia just named off *everyone*, oh well. Ross runs down the assorted injuries suffered by the crew in the ring last night. Triple H is up first - his arm is in a sling, by the way. "Oh, I'm sure that all of you are just jubilant over the fact that I am no longer the World Wrestling Federation champion." Yup, they're loud. And chanting "Rock E!" "Yeah, and I'm sure that the Rock is just ecstatic...and he should be. The Rock should be the happiest man alive because he is the World Wrestling Federation champion, but more importantly than that, he beat the damn best there is to do it. But I've got a funny feeling that the Rock is not quite as happy as you think he should be, and the reason that is is because the Rock's an honest man,

Backstage, Crash Holly ARRIVES! After the parking attendant sees that he's on the list, we follow him to the trunk, where he takes out his luggage - as he closes the trunk of the car, we look behind the closing door to see that Teddy Long has materialised out of nowhere. The attendant says "there's one more thing I need from you." Crash does a doubletake and figures it out JUST a bit too late - the attendant lays some forearms into Holly and covers - 1, 2, no! Crash dumps him in his trunk, closes it and runs off.

Phil Rippa told me to tell you that that was MCW's EARL THE PEARL. Also, he'd like you to go visit www.deathvalleydriver.com - and so would I! Meet the guys that EVERYBODY steals from! Only...don't tell 'em I sent ya. Keep it on the down low. Yo.

Hey, it's the WWF Rewind, brought to you by LucasArts' "Star Wars Episode 1 Jedi Power Battles" for PlayStation - from Backlash, Malenko's manly top-rope DDT on Scotty too Hotty to get the pin and retain his title.

TOO

Backstage, Vince asks Pat & Gerry for a favour - no, not coffee - he'd like Earl Hebner brought to him. Gerald: "Do you want him in a box or on a silver platter?" Pat: "He just wants to talk to him!" Vince: "You don't know WHAT I want to do to him - just bring him here."

"WWF Aggression" CD ad - get it at Circuit City now!

Exterior of Baltimore - and the requisite SOLD OUT marquee shot

Check out this cage!

Hebner is presented to McMahon, who asks Patterson and Brisco to take their leave and make sure nobody comes in. "So...you sniveling little sh(beep) - who the hell do you think you are. Huh? If it hadn'ta been for you...and Austin...Triple H would still be champion. Oh, but no...no - my wife reinstates you? You drivelling little piece of DRECK!" "I just want my job." "You what?" "I just want--" "SHUT UP! You want your job. You want your job! You stay out of my business - you got it? I'm telling ya - you better stay out of my business. Bad thing happen to people who get in my business. You remember that. Now get the hell outta here."

ERNEST MILLER & JACQUELINE v. TERRI & IVORY - Let's take a quick look at the five covers of "WWF RAW" - Ross suggests "we collect all ten - I mean, five!" Damn, Ross, that's MY joke! Ivory and Jacqueline, the trained professionals, start out, as Ivory waffles Jackie from behind. Into the ropes, duck, crossbody by Jacqueline, 1, 2, Terri breaks it up just in case. Gutshot, gutshot, hairpull takeover, next is blocked, arm drag takeover by Jackie, into the corner, monkey flip coming out, cover - Terri breaks THIS one up as well. Gutshot, into the corner, Ivory gets the legs up and around her neck as she charges in - coming out of the corner with a flying headscissors! Right, right, Ivory puts her in the ropes, head down - backslide - 1, 2, Terri breaks THAT up. Jackie with a right, right, right, Terri in with a double sledge from behind -

Backstage, Road Dogg and X-Pac make their case for another shot at the titles. McMahon says they'll get their opportunity, but not tonight - tonight is family night, and he needs them to help defend the honour of his family. Dogg has a special assignment, and X-Pac is asked to defend Stephanie's honour by taking on Chris Jericho. Hmm, I wonder if Dogg's special assignment is to be special ref...hope not. Vince and Stephanie have one of those "we swear it's not incest, it's just a loving father-daughter moment" moments to close out this segment. Where IS Triple H?

EARL HEBNER gets his own introduction now. Crowd chants "You screwed Bret!" Well, no, they didn't - that was just me daydreaming.

X-PAC (with Tori and Judgment Day is brought to you by Army Men: World War and will come to you live from the Freedom Hall in Louisville, Kentucky!) v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO - X-Pac wastes no time pointing a finger at Hebner, who points right back. As you might imagine, Jericho carries a mic in hand and begins with "Welcome to RAW is JERICHO! And X-Pac, I feel terrible that you have to come out here and defend the integrity of a woman who has absolutely none - I mean, as far as Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley is concerned, the word "honour" means "jump honour and stay honour" - well let's spell that word...H-O-N-E-R...well, I guess Stephanie is half of that - because, after all she is a filthy, dirty, disgusting, brutal, skanky, bottom-feeding trashbag H-O! And no amount of defending will ever, EEEEEEEEVER change that." X-Pac has stitches from Christian's ring shot last night (did Ross confuse him with Road Dogg in segment two? Woof.) Lockup, side headlock, chain wrestling, Jericho with the wristlock, X-Pac elbowing out, off the ropes, knockdown, off the ropes, up and over, leapfrog, Mexican armdrag by Jericho (or was it Japanese? I get those mixed up), knife edge chop, and X-Pac rolls outside to feed the "X Pac Sux" chant. Ross tells us Jericho was fined $5K for abusing Tim White last night. Jericho with a baseball slide dropkick and now they're fighting on the outside. Head to the STEEL steps. X-Pac rolled back in, Jericho climbing the turnbuckles - X-Pac over with a kick to take out his legs. X-Pac to the second floor - Jericho holding on, shoving X-Pac to the mat, but his missile dropkick is swatted away. "Army Men: World War" brings the Double Feature of the baseball slide dropkick. X-Pac stomping away. Head to the buckle. Kick trifecta(tm). Jericho slumped in the corner, it must be broncobuster time - but Jericho gets outta Dodge and X-Pac hurts a sensitive area! Block, right, ducks a clothesline, hits one of his own, X-Pac put in the corner, elbow up as Jericho tries to follow it up, gutshot to X-Pac, off the ropes with a bulldog. Jericho ready to come off the ropes with another move, but Tori grabs his ankle. X-Pac manages a shot to the back of the head as Jericho turns to free himself. Jericho put into the ropes, duck, flying jalapeno! But he only gets 2. Elbow, into the ropes, head down, gutshot by X-Pac, kick ducked, gutshot, powerbomb - DOUBLE powerbomb! Ready to hit that Lionsault - but Tori is up on the apron and Hebner's still a referee, so he's over to talk to her instead of note the action. Jericho over to the corner - springboard dropkick! But Jericho turns back into an X-Pac roundhouse. X-Pac's cut has opened back up - broncobuster gets big-time boos - Hebner pulling him off - X-Pac shoves, Hebner shoves back...and for an encore, rings the bell! (DQ 3:44) Jericho puts X-Pac in the Walls of Jericho, as if to say "I'll NEVER get a clean victory over this guy," and now ROAD DOGG is out to break it up. HE shoves Hebner, so Hebner shoves HIM back. Now the rest of the OFFICIATING CORPS is out along with SERGEANT SLAUGHTER and holding back BOTH Hebner and Jericho.

Hey! The Rock's arrived! And he's WALKING!

What better way to counteract any possible Nitro overrun than by bringing out LA ROCA, who carries the title belt along with him. The RAW credits and TV-14-DLV ratings box make their cameo as the crowd chants his name. "Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK to Baltimore!" Oh yeah, several people told me the Rock HAD been to Raleigh, so SO THERE, Drew! "Finally, the Rock went to Backlash, and finally, once again, the Rock - WWF champion." Let's pause again to chant his name. "Now last night, at Backlash, the Rock made a guarandamntee, the Rock gave his word, the Rock made a promise, and the Rock delivered, but the Rock wasn't the only one who gave his word and delivered - one other man, and his name is Stone Cold Steve Austin. Now Stone Cold, the Rock realises that you're probably at home right now in Texas - beer in one hand, beer in the other hand - and so, livin' up to your word, like the Rock knew you would, the Rock says: oh hell yeah. Now the Rock knows earlier that Triple H and the McMahons were out here running their mouths, wel the Rock says this: simply put, he'll make it short and brief. The Rock says this: Shane: your role, know it; Triple H: your mouth, shut it; Vince: your llama's anus, lick it; Stephanie, your dirty panties, wear it! Now whatever your candyasses wanta do to the Rock - whatever surprises you got to the Rock - the Rock says: just - bring it." As if on cue, "No Chance in Hell" plays and out walks the entire McMAHON-HELMSLEY REGIME, well, sans Dogg & X-Pac. Vince SPEAKS! "You know, Rock, I said earlier tonight that In That Very Ring, World Wrestling Federation history would be made, and by God it will. Because tonight, Rock, you're going to have the shortest reign of any WWF Champion in history! (I think he said under his breath "except Andre the Giant and Yokozuna the first time" here, but didn't go back to check) 'cause, tonight, Rock, inside the steel cage, you will defend the World Wrestling Federation championship - against - my son (Shane)." Triple H gives another look to Vince. "Now then, Rock, in order to spare you the humiliation, my son (Shane) does not have to make you submit. In order to spare you the embarrassment, Rock, my son (Shane) does not have to cover you for the 1-2-3, oh no. It's simply one thing, and that is this: (we pause for the "Shane's a pussy" chant) Well, if you think he is, all I can say is, tonight, he'll be the World Wrestling Federation champion! So simply put, Rock, the winner of this WWF Championship match will simply be the very first man out of the cage, and that winner and new champion will be Shane McMahon!" "Now the Rock hates to break the bad news to ya, Vince, but he will. You see, tonight isn't gonna be the shortest reign in WWF history - tonight is gonna be the longest night in your candyass son Shane McMahon's life! If ya smellllllllllllllllllllllalalalalowwwww what the Rock is cookin'!" Ross has said about a dozen times that he thinks something is up here, so I guess something's up here. Wow, Ross just said it two more times! SOMETHING'S UP HERE - SOMETHING'S UP! DO WE HAVE TO BEAT IT INTO YOU? SOMETHING IS UP!!!!!!!

Backlash encore presentation ad

EDGE & CHRISTIAN v. ? for the tag team championship - Apparently, their earlier open challenge has been answered. But first, a few words from Edge: "Now, we realise that all of you are very disappointed that we didn't do that mysterious running through the crowd thing, but ever since we've won these, it's become a bit much. But, we don't want all of our fans to think that we've turned out backs on them, because he haven't. So, for the next five seconds, we will very generously pose for all of you with the benefit of flash photography." They strike the pose while Ross compares them to Kurt Angle (and sneaks in a quick "Gladiators" (sic) promo). Christian: "In case you didn't hear us earlier, we issued an open challenge - so if there's any young, up and coming, firey team back there that wants a shot at these World Wrestling Federation tag team championships, come on out here, 'cause today just happens to be your lucky day." The surprise team is ...RIKISHI PHATU & WELL IT'S RIKISHI BIG SHOW - Show is wearing a Riksihi-esque wig and...ahhhhhh! It's Sumo garb with "SHOWKISHI" written on it. Edge and Christian ponder this - then rush the ring. Show with headbutts. Edge whipped into the corner, Christian whipped into Edge. Big splash onto the pile, whip to Phatu, right, right, right, right, alternating fellows each time. Double noggin knocker, Christian into the corner, Edge into Christian, clothesline for Christian, Edge tries to come out with a Sunset flip, but gets met with the big sitdown instead - but he misses. Christian dropkicks the face. Edge dropkicks Show on the apron. Doubleteam on Phatu. Off the ropes, double clothesline by Phatu. Tag to Showkishi - right for Edge, Christian's punch is caught, well it's a big short clothesline. Well it's a big beal for Edge. Well it's a big press slam of Christian onto Edge. Edge outside, Christian whipped into the ropes - well it's a big boot. Show giving the sign but outside, we see that Edge has gone to the bell. Edge waffles Show and referee "Blind" Teddy Long calls for the bell - oops. Oh, the bitter irony! Meanwhile, Phatu is in and superkicking everybody. The tag champs are laid out in opposite corners - but before we get a double Banzai drop, they roll out of the way. (DQ 1:46) Before we get to see them dance, we follow them up the ramp, where ROAD DOGG & X-PAC appear and get in THEIR shots. The rest of the refs are out, but not before the champs are rolled back in the ring, where Rikishi & Showkishi do the bump - stereo fat ass splashes - stereo stinkface - fans clap as the music plays again - glasses are donned - and NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE! A Euro title rematch is NEXT!

Judgment Day is (still) coming

Triple H whines about Shane getting the title to Stephanie. He doesn't understand where Vince is coming from on this. Stephanie says she agrees...but maybe Vince "just wants to see who the better man is." "What?"

There's a couple BALTIMORE RAVENS in the front row.

ESSA RIOS (with Lita) v. EDDIE GUERRERO (with That Slut Chyna) in a return match for the European championship - well, this is TWO matches they're giving us for free from last night's pay-per-view. Maybe they're just out of ideas (har har). Lita wears Chyna's prom dress (and some giant falsies) to the ring and carries some roses for Rios to give to her, so she can do the whole imitation bit. Eddie and Chyna have their own roses - we check out Rios doing a mocking dance which Guerrero doesn't really appreciate.

Anybody know what the WWF is doing at Great America this year? I guess I could go visit their website and figure it out myself, but I'm so LAZY

Big Show eats Chef Boyardee Overstuff Italian Sausage Ravioli

Hey, that cage is still up there, boyee

Backstage, Earl Hebner attempts to serve himself coffee, but Tori upends the cup on him. "OWW! GOD this is hot coffee, Tori!" "I was just grabbing some tea - accidents happen."

TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ (with RAW is WAR is brought to you by FRAM, Chef Boyardee overstuffed ravioli, and phonefree.com) v. CHRIS BENOIT for the Intercontinental championship - oh man, who let Tazz have the mic? "Chris Benoit - you come out here, week in and week out, with that same puss on your face, like the world owes you something. Well, I'll tell you what, I'ma turn that frown upside down, punk - so you just keep that bad mood because THE MOOD IS ABOUT TO CHANGE!" That ... makes no sense. Mick Foley will be on "Now and Again" this Friday - don't tell me THAT conflicts with ECW as well - it's a damn conspiracy! They get right to it, gutshot, elbow, off the ropes, reversed, sliding under, gutshot, snap suplex by Benoit, backbreaker across the knee, cover, 1, kickout. Into the ropes, reversed, caught for the head-and-arm, but before he can throw him, Benoit headbutts away, knees to the gut, Tazz blocks and there's a Northern Lights for 2! Running clothesline - cover, 2. Benoit holds onto the whip attempt, pulls him in for a gutshot, chop, Tazz slaps back, chop by Benoit, chop from Tazz, chop from Benoit, chop from Tazz, chop by Benoit, chop again, Tazz ducks and flattens him with a right. PERRY SATURN making his way down as Tazz stomps away. Tazz turns to face Saturn, who's getting ready to remove his shirt. Tazz turns back around, gutshot is caught, kick by Benoit, fisherman suplex - 1, 2, 3! (1:22) Wow, that move NEVER works. Tazz gets out of the ring and goes RIGHT for Saturn. Here comes HARDCORE HOLLY ... but instead of getting a piece of THAT action, he gets in the ring and turns around Benoit - gutshot, Hollycaust! Then he gets out onto the apron and double clotheslines Tazz and Saturn for good measure. Hardcore's sent a message - but to who?

Earl Hebner tries to address the rest of the officiating corps, but he made the mistake of standing in a stairwell that Triple H was walking down. H doesn't say a word to him, but just gives him a look, instead. Hebner beats a retreat and the rest of the zebras part as Helmsley walks off...

MICHAEL KING COLE stands with Crash Holly, who seems a bit skittish. The pressure IS getting to Crash - everybody's out to get him - everybody's looking at him. I think he thinks Cole wants the title...but instead, it's STEVE BLACKMAN into the picture with a trash can. He muscles referee "Blind" Chad Patton into the picture - only 2. The crack production staff produces the "Hardcore Championship" logo so it's on. Blackman and Holly out behind the curatin - Holly reversing a whip into the stands. Holly finds a dowel and starts swinging it in a mocking fashion. Blackman with a gutshot, lifting the stick and hitting his back with it. Then he breaks it in two and creates some bashin' batons with it. Now he works him over with them. Out to the ring we go - in the ring - Blackman finds a cookie sheet - off the ropes, into the knees, back of the head - cover - 2?!? Holly tries to take off but Blackman's got him - into the ropes, superkick. Holly goes outside, Blackman follows - whip into the STEEL steps is reversed. Holly with a trashcan lid - whack! And now he staggers over the barricade - but one of the Ravens puts Holly in a bearhug! Cover - 1, the OTHER Raven pulls him off and HE covers! Holly kicks out and takes off - Blackman right behind him... (under 3)

Meanwhile, the Rock - IS - WALKING!

And now, the WWF Slam of the Week, brought to you by 3DO's "Army Men; World War!" Of COURSE it's Rock's double stack Rock Bottom on Shane and Triple H through the table to the floor! From last night's Backlash - catch the encore tomorrow

SKIPPY (with Treble H, Stephanie Ono, Billionaire Vince...and Patteron & Brisco - in referee shirts) v. LA ROCA in a STEEL cage match for the WWF Championship - Triple H with some words of advice for Shane - who trusts him? Patterson looks to be the ref in the ring, with Brisco being the outside ref. Shane, ever the merchandise salesman, wears a Rock shirt. Rock would rather go for Vince and Helmsley but Brisco runs interference and demands Rock get in the cage. Ross says they'll lock this door but I didn't see it. Patterson tries to occupy the Rock while Shane scoots over to the corner, but Rock pulls him down and punches away - into the ropes, knockdown. Right, head to the buckle, head to the opposite buckle, into the opposite corner, clothesline. "Shane's a pussy" chant once again. Rock is thinking to himself "Why aren't they chanting my name instead?" Stomp, stomp, Patterson with words for Rock and Shane crawls towards the door - ahh, so it IS open. Vince pulling on Shane - Rock pulling on Shane - Rock pulling Shane AND Vince into the cage! Rock stomps on Vince while Triple H and Brisco try to help him out. They do get him out, while Rock pulls Shane - Shane holding the corner - Rock pulling him back to the centre. Stomp. Into the ropes is reversed, back elbow by Shane. Running clothesline. Choking him. Patterson failing to break that hold. Shane with a forearm to the back. Shane calling over Patterson - and behind his back we see that Triple H and Vince have a steel pole, and they're poking it through the cyclone fence into Rock's ribs. Shane is shuffling, left jab, left jab, left jab, Rock with a gutshot and a DDT to put a stop to THAT. Rock climbing the wall - H over with his stick - and Rock falls. H tries another shot - but Rock grabs hold and pulls it through! Then he breaks it on Shane's back. Rock takes Shane into the wall of the cage. Once again, to another wall. To a third wall.