/8 May 2000
WWF RAW is WAR
WWFE 17 7/8 (-
TONIGHT: Just another week here on cable's highest rated show (sometimes) - last week on Thursday, there were a lot of clips - tonight, all nine of the McMahon-Helmsley Regime are here and stuff's sure to happen! Stick around!
DAMN that Chuck Norris has a beautiful singing voice! We're so LUCKY USA doesn't put promos over it like they've done so often in the past!
TV-14-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Opening Close Captioned Credits
Pyro and crowd must mean WE ARE LIVE from the Nassau Colesium in Uniondale, LI, NY, USA, Earth, and so on! It's 8.5.2K and immediately out come our good friends...
EDGE (Youth incu Nome) & CHRISTIAN walk to the ring, accompanied by the ACOLYTES. Ring announcer LILIAN GARCIA announces that this contest is for the "World Revelling Federation tag team championship." Must just be the way that the music masks what she's saying - to her credit, this is the first time in quite a while that she hasn't called those other guys the "Accolades." Christian takes the mic to 'splain it to us. "In case any of you are wondering what's going on here, well, being the fighting champions that we are, we're here to issue another open challenge - which, which is why we've hired the Acolytes, so just in case any other team in the back has any funny ideas during the match, and tries to interfere and cost us OUR titles, heh heh heh...well the Acolytes are SO gonna beat you up!" Crowd wastes no time picking up an opportunity to chant "ass...hole..." 'cause it makes 'em feel NAUGHTY! Edge: "Now, we realise that Long Island - not exactly the best looking people in the nation. So - so, to appease your appetite for beautiful faces, instead of the customary five seconds - we will now pose for...SIX seconds (for the benefit of those of you with flash photography)!" And so they do. "Now, if our friends here can stay sober long enough to fulfill their obligations, I say, let the open challenge commence!" The champs look to the ramp, but Bradshaw takes the mic behind them. "Stay sober? Hell, son, we ain't sober right now! But I tell ya what - out of the kindness of our heart, we're gonna give both of y'all a 100% refund." "You see, that way we won't have any remorse when we kick your ass." And then they proceed to kick their ass. Guess it's on...
EDGE & CHRISTIAN v. ACOLYTES for the tag team championship - the ring is quickly cleared of Edge and Faarooq and Christian stay in - off the ropes, reversed, fireman's carry by Faarooq into a powerslam - 1, 2, nope. Into Bradshaw's boot, tag. "APA" chant. Into the ropes, double shoulderblock sends Christian to the mat. Big clubberin' blow by Bradshaw. Off the ropes, duck, crossbody is caught, fallaway slam by Bradshaw. Into the ropes, blind tag, Christian holds on and goes outside, Bradshaw turns into a missile dropkick. Sent into the ropes, head down, clubbing forearm to the back. Kneelift, right, right, right, knee, into the ropes, shoulderblock. Edge crawling, but Bradshaw catching him - into the corner, tag, open shot, Faarooq with a right, into the ropes, head down, DDT by Edge and they're both down. Tag to Bradshaw - kick, elbow, backdrop suplex - Christian saves at 2. Into the ropes, head down, swinging neckbreaker by Edge, and a tag to Christian - double suplex! Double headbutt behind the back of referee "Blind" Mike Chioda, who is busy discussing home improvement with Faarooq. Christian tries to put Bradshaw in the corner, but it's reversed. Boots up to stop the charge, but when Christian tries to follow it up off the second ropes, he runs RIGHT into the lariat. Both men manage a tag - Faarooq on top, right, clothesline, Christian sent into the ropes by Bradshaw, spinebuster by Faarooq. Edge tries a dive and ends up getting caught by both men, then put down hard. Christian, who had rolled outside, emerges with the ring bell and puts it right on Faarooq's lower spine. As he covers, Bradshaw is over and picking up the bell - hey there, Edge and Christian, do you like WAFFLES? Chioda manages to see THIS, and calls for the bell...oops. (DQ 3:33) The champs beat a retreat as Bradshaw tries tossing the bell at Chioda. For added fun, BULL BUCHANAN & BIG BOSS MAN come out and wreak some havoc on the Acolytes. Let's play THEIR music!
LAST THURSDAY: about fifteen million people got involved in the main event. If you missed it, there's a report somewhere.
Back in the dressing room, the Nine are preparing - and now they're WALKING! Segment Two Talkfest: NEXT!
Trash Talkin' Stage ad - I'll bet that oil barrel doesn't REALLY have flames coming out of it when you buy it...although if it did, that MIGHT be cool enough to spend money on...hmm....
"1, 2, is this on?" Well, it's on now. Here come the HOLLYWOOD SQUARES - Garcia manages to remember and rattle off seven of the nine names. Ross gives some well wishes to Earl Hebner. Our first guest: Triple H. "You know, first things first, I'd like to come out here and apologise a little bit to everybody for the actions of Earl Hebner. You see, I know that you're all aware of the tragedy that has befallen Earl Hebner - the vicious beating he's received and all - when the World Wrestling Federation has something like that happen in it, it's flooded, it's inundated with phone calls, with letters, with cards...and Earl Hebner has been not - he's just been not able to respond...
["Rock E" chant is not acknowledge - he's
not here tonight, see] Earl Hebner has not been able to respond to your
well-wishes like a true World Wrestling Federation superstar should, and
I'm out here to explain to you that, you know, it's not Earl's fault. It's
very difficult to make a phone call back to somebody when your little jaw
is wired shut and broken and you can't speak. And it's really difficult to
return a letter or a card when your eyes are so swollen shut that you can't
read the paper in front o' you, and even if you could, your little broken
nubby fingers can't even hold the pen to write back! And it truly is a
tragedy - and the worst part is that the whole thing could have been
avoided if Earl Hebner had just kept his nose out of our business - but no,
Earl's gotta get involved. Earl's gotta be the big hero - the big star!
Well, Earl got what he deserved, and as a public service announcement to
everybody else in the World Wrestling Federation, I would like to show you
what happens when you cross the McMahon-Helmsley Regime. So Kevin Dunn,
roll the footage."
Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!, where Earl Hebner was dismantled in his very own hometown.
"So you wanna be a hero, huh? Well, let that be a lesson. You cross us - you stand in my path of doing the one thing that is inevitable, and that is me becoming the World Wrestling Federation champion, and that is what happens! ...which brings me to the Rock. Rock, Judgment Day is coming. And true to form, all truths will be told at Judgment Day. It will all come to a head, and everybody will know the truth, Rock. Judgment Day. You...and me, Rock. One on one! With the one thing that anybody worth a crap in this business wants more than anything - the World Wrestling Federation championship - on the line. Only this time, Rock, things'll be a little different. There will be no Stone Cold Steve Austin. There will be no Linda Mcmahon. And there will be no little piece of crap Earl Hebner sticking his nose where it doesn't belong! There will just be me...and you, Rock. But what I propose is...let's up the ante. Let's separate the men from the boys, Rock! Let's find out who is the general in this ring! Let's go the one place that very few people in this business will ever dream of going, Rock. That all those guys in the back, Rock, are ever scared to do. Rock - you and me...iron man match. Sixty minutes, Rock! Let's find out who the Man is. Can you go the distance? Sixty minutes! The one with the most falls is THE undisputed World Wrestling Federation champion! But you gotta look inside, Rock, and you gotta ask yourself: can I hang? Because I know I can...can you hang, Rock? Can you step into this ring and go one hour with the Game? Can you, Rock, put it all on the line and hope to God that your lungs don't explode before the end? And can you accept the fact, Rock, that the truth will be told - that when you lay on that mat gasping for air after sixty minutes of getting your ass kicked by the best in this damn business, you will look into my eyes and you will know, once and for all, that you can't hang with me because I have no equal - Rock, you will know once and for all that I am the Game, that I am the World Wrestling Federation champion, and that I am - that - damn - good!" Vince: "Now as far as tonight is concerned--" but the Y2J ticker cuts him off. Our rebuttal tonight is brought to you by CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO: "Welcome to RAW is JERICHO! And Vance McMahon, before you chastise me for my actions last week on SmackDown!, allow me to apologise to you. Allow me to apologise for being impulsive. All me to apologise for following my heart - allow me to apologise for coming down to the ring and punching you in your face! It was - it was instinct - it's what I'm all about, and I can't help that - I mean, it's similar to the way that your son (Shane) is referred to each and every week by all these Jerichoholics...as a word that rhymes with 'wussy.' Oh yeah - that's it. Or it's similar to the way that your daughter (Stephanie) is a filthy, dirty, disgusting, skanky, brutal, bottom-feeding, trashbag ho...easy big fella - I mean, she can't help it, it's what she does. Or even you, Big Mac, I mean, you're the head of one of the biggest empires in the world. You've created this entire phenomenom known as sports entertainment. You, sir, are a multi-billionaire...but you did it all to make up for the fact that you have a very...small...PENIS! It's okay - it's not your fault - it's okay." Vince gives us a classic look of abject disbelief while the crowd chants "Y2J." "There's not a damn thing stopping us from coming up there and kickin' your ass, sonny!" But before they do, a bomb drops and behind Jericho appear THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ, RIKISHI PHATU, and WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW. Vince decides to step back between the ropes - and so do the three DX-mates. "Well, once again - once again, Jericho you are misinformed, because everybody knows I've got a set of grapefruits down there - and you see, grapefruits grow on trees - and every tree has a trunk. And by the end of the night, you're gonna wish you were dangling from the end of my trunk." Oh my, are we EVER in "don't go there" territory. "Tonight, you'll defend the intercontinental championship one on one against Olympian Kurt Angle, and tonight, I promise you, Jericho - no no, I *guarantee* you, you will not leave this arena with the intercontinental championship." Shane: "Hey Big Show, what are you even doing out here? You know, last Thursday night you come down and you clean the ring and you headbutt me....whoa whoa, take it easy, take it easy. Now you asked me a hard question and I gave you a hard answer. What, do you expect me to feel sorry for you? Well, I'm NOT sorry, because each and every person out here knows that you are acting like a fool being all these different characters... ["Shane's a pussy!"]...so let me tell you one thing, tonight, one way or another - you and I, we're gonna settle this." "All right, now then, as far as the Dudleyz are concerned...tonight there's gonna be a table match. The Dudleyz in a table match against...Gerald Brisco! Rikishi...you gave Pat Patterson a stinkyface? Tonight, Rikishi, you'll go one on one with the first ever intercontinental champion Pat Patterson! Now, do you think these matches...a little unusual - think the old man's a little crazy? Let me remind you, there's a fine line between insanity and genius, and before this night is over, everyone in this arena will once again know of my superior mental acumen." "No Chance in Hell" plays and as the Stooges make worried faces at each other, this segment - and half hour - come to a close.
WWF Aggression CD ad
It's the Slam of the Week, brought to you by 3DO's Army Men: World War! >From SmackDown! last Thursday, Jericho used the belt to regain the IC strap from Chris Benoit.
KURT ANGLE (AMERICAN HERO) v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO for the Intercontinental championship - "I am honoured - I am honoured the McMahon-Helmsley regime has picked Your Olympic Hero to take the intercontinental title from Y2J tonight. And on a personal note, I am privliged to defend the honour of Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley - what? You ask why? Because Stephanie possesses something that unfortunately none of you here in Looong Island could never posses. And that, my friends, is class. It's true, it's ture. And Chris Jericho, when you insult Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, you insult everything that is good and pure about society today, and that - is - true." Seems a little early in the show to have this match, doesn't it? Jericho's had enough mic time - nice to see the champion enter second, isn't it? Makes me feel all tingly with tradition inside! Lockup, side headlock from Angle, into the ropes, powering out, knockdown by Angle, up and over, leapfrog by Jericho, back elbow takes Angle to the mat. Jericho with a kick, punch, elbow, into the ropes, Angle ducks, chop by Jericho, chop, chop, chop, chope, Angle comes back with a face rake, right, right, knee, kick, right, right, into the opposite corner is reversed, but Angle manages to get underneath Jericho and dump him on the top turnbuckle. After a brief celebration, Angle runs at Jericho - and HE gets dumped out to the floor. Jericho to the second rope - springboard dropkick to Angle on the apron - again he's to the floor! Jericho tries a baseball slide, but Angle steps aside. BUT Jericho puts Angle in the STEEL steps! Angle's head saying "hi" to the apron. Army Men: World War sponsors the Double Features tonight, and this one shows the duck of the clothesline and subsequent shove into the steps. Back to live action and back in the ring, Jericho in the corner but Angle gets to him before he can come off. Right hand - belly-to-belly SUPERPLEX! Cover - 1, 2, shoulder up! Angle picks up Jericho and runs his head to the turnbuckle, right, right, right, standing on the neck, referee "Blind" Chad Patton calling for the break at 4. "Y2J" chant met with disgruntlement from Angle. Vertical suplex - another near fall for Angle. Angle grapevines the leg and words a reverse chinlock. Jericho to his feet - elbow, elbow breaks it, right, clothesline is ducked, gutshot by Jericho, double underhook into a backbreaker - leg hooked - only 2! Into the ropes, but Angle holds on and hits a sweet fireman's carry takeover - for 2. Angle takes Jericho's head to the buckle, right, into the opposite corner, reversed, boot up by Angle, but he runs smack dab into a spinning heel kick. Jericho up - gutshot, elbow, into the ropes, reversed, Angle clothesline is ducked, Jericho flying jalapeno hits! Gutshot, repeated knees to the abdomen, bulldog, cover and Jericho AGAIN gets 2. Knife-edge chop, into the ropes is reversed, but Angle puts the head down, big kick by Jericho, HE comes off the ropes but into a massive belly-to-belly overhead suplex - but it only gets 2! Angle back to the attack, elbow, elbow, backdrop suplex, celebration - got him up for the Olympic Slam, but Jericho puts some momentum into it and lands on his feet...ducking a clothesline, gutshot for Angle, double leg takedown - Walls of Jericho? YES! Angle fighting it - no, he tapped! (5:35) Well, that would seem to do it for the guarantee...
Meanwhile, Shane is watching all this on a monitor and registering disgust. He stands up - but whatever he wanted to do was cut short as Big Show barges in and puts him in a choke. Shane says he didn't want a one on one encounter - when he said what he said Thursday, it WAS to piss him off - it was to bring out the guy that he knows - the guy he took to WrestleMania. Tonight, he has another chance to become a champion - a match with Chris Jericho to become the intercontinental champion. Shane pumps up Show as Show ponders all these things. Shane gets a call from his stockbroker...Show pats Shane on the rump and says he's off to get dressed. Shane gets a start....but that's the end of this segment. Hmmm...well, that explains the early Jericho match...
EDDIE GUERRERO (with That Slut
Chyna) v. THA GODFATHA (with eight -
no, four ho's) in an apparently nontitle match -
Chyna will be on Good
Morning America tomorrow morning - by the time this is up, I'm sure you'll
have missed it, though - sorry. Alert the media: at 2146, the word
"bitches" was heard over the PA as part of Ice T's Aggression track. Hey,
I wonder if Godfather will say something demeaning about Chyna. "Hey -
mamacita - mamacita - lookit that - pretty roses for a pretty girl - hey,
baby, when Lita ripped yo clothes off at Backlash, and you had on nothin'
but that bra and panties - man, you were smokin'! You know what, you
impressed the Godfather so much that I have an offer for you. I'll get rid
of all these ho's right now (sorry, ladies, but business is business) if
you, with that fine, fine body come join the HOOOOOOOO TRAIN!" Eddie takes
umbrage at this offer. Chyna: "So Godfather, you really think that I'm ...
beautiful. And you really think that my body's ... that out. And you'd be
willing to give up all the ho's, all these lovely ladies...just for little
old me? Oh Godfather, I do declare, but frankly I don't give a damn, take
the ho's in the back and take this with you" and she slaps him with the
roses - hope there weren't any thorns over there! Godfather thinks about
advancing on her, but he's apparently forgotten about Guerrero - dropkick
from behind reminds him pretty quicklike. Right, right, right, into the
ropes, but Godfather, holds on, gutshot, reversal, hiplock, off the ropes,
big boot, right hand, head to the turnbuckle, into the opposite corner,
boot, boot, boot. Godfather choking him on the rope, scoop - and a slam.
Hey, how about another? There you go. Into the ropes, big back body drop.
Guerrero asks for time out, crawls (swims?) across the ramp to Chyna, but
Godfather engages in a tug of war - and wins. Godfather takes the
opportunity to strike Guerrero in his Latino Heat while referee "Of Course"
Tim White deals with keeping Chyna on the outside. Guerrero rolls around
muchly and ends up in the corner - where Godfather warms it up - it's time
once again for the Ho Train. Now Chyna is up on the apron - Godfather
ready to take a swipe at her, but missing - from behind, D'LO BROWN, who
has appeared from nowhere, swings Godfather around and hits Sky Hi on him.
And just like that, he's gone. One top rope missile dropkick later, it's a
pin for Eddie. (2:26)
Hey, look! The Dudley Boyz are carrying a table while they're WALKING!
Another Trash Talkin' Stage ad
THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ v. GERALD BRISCO in a table match - Brisco comes out to "Real American," and attempts to rip off his shirt - when that fails he just takes it off - he's got a mic in hand and I guess we might hear a few words before the last rites. "Before I singlehandedly kick both of you guys' ass all by myself, let me introduce you to my partners." And out come T&A. The Dudleyz meet them in the aisle and let the brawlin' commence! The RAW credits pop up in the middle of all this as well, as well as the TV-14-DLV ratings box, of course. T&A demolish D-Von in the ring - now it's just Test and D-Von - into the ropes, duck, right, right, Dudley off the ropes, but into a spinning sidewalk slam. Tag to Brisco...but the left is blocked! D-Von rakes the face and tags in Buh-Buh Ray - but Brisco hits a drop toehold! Elbowdrop - off the ropes - legdrop! He's fired up now! Left! Into the ropes - is reversed - Brischo caught - bodyslam - shot for Test, shot for Albert, now they're distracting referee "Blind" Jim Korderas just long enough for the ol' "headbutt to the graun" spot. Crowd chanting table as Brisco reverses a whip - Albert holding the ankles long enough to ensure that D-Von's attention is elsewhere while turning back to Brisco - gutshot - what a butterfly suplex! Tag to Test.
Right, into the ropes, back elbow. Right, right, kick, kick, kick,
kick, kick, standing on the neck for 4. Tag to Albert. Kick, right,
right, D-Von punches, Albert back with a right, into the corner, but Dudley
puts up a boot - off the second rope with a clothesline. ag to Test, hot
tag to Buh-Buh Ray! Back elbow for Test, back elbow for Albert,
clotheslines for each man, Samoan Drop on Test, Buh-Buh Cutter on Albert,
hiptoss for Brisco, clothesline for Brisco, all five men in - whoops, spoke
too soon - Brisco out. Buh-Buh Ray goes outside and brings the table into
the ring - Albert is over and on him while Test and D-Von go at it IN the
ring. Test puts him down, then stands up the table. Buh-Buh Ray putting
Albert into the STEEL steps on the outside. Test going for the gutwrench,
but D-Von actually completes a full revolution, then whips Test into the
ropes - 3D! (Dudley Death Drop) Through the table! We have winners!
Brisco is foolish enough to get back into the ring - as
D-Von grabs onto him, Brisco motions to the back - ROAD DOGG, X-PAC & TORI
come out. Although a tease of a tabling for Tori is briefly given, the
numbers take command and the Dudleyz go down. Brisco brings in a SECOND
table and sets it up. Buh-Buh Ray is placed in the table and Brisco climbs
to the second rope - don't tell me - BRISCO WITH THE TOP ROPE SPLASH
THROUGH THE TABLE!!! Now that, my friends, is a "Nitro moment!" Play
"Real American!" Brisco removes his "Brisco Bros. Body Shop" T-shirt and
gives us a pose. Before the "Big Show Rap - Unformatted" clip plays, let's
look at this replay of 3D (Dudley Death Drop) - and here's the replay of
Hey, look, it's Chris Jericho! And he's WALKING! And the cameraman is playing with his zoom!
Meanwhile, Shane and Big Nasty Bastard Show - are - WALKING!
Judgment Day Is Coming - apparently it involves little girls playing hopscotch
CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO v. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW (with Skippy) for the intercontinental championship - champ enters first because I already got my concession to tradition the FIRST time he wrestled, I guess. Ross sells us on Jericho being fatigued, and, as if he could hear him, Jericho gives us some big sighs and gulps of air as if to suggest he's fatigued. Show, on the other hand, is in "Big Nasty Bastard Mode" tonight, which makes him the de facto heel. Jericho ducks the first lunge, elbow, elbow, elbow, elbow, chop, into the ropes is reversed, well it's a big clothesline. Well it's a big kick and Jericho goes through the ropes to the outside. Show outside - well it's a big headbutt. Well it's a big clubbing forearm. Jericho rolled back in. Show turns to Shane - just long enough for Jericho to recover and hit a 'twixt the ropes dropkick. Show shrugs it off - Jericho with a pescado, but Show catches him - then throws him over the top rope back into the ring. Show back in the ring - double choke, well it's a big paw, well it's a big back elbow, well it's a big whip, Jericho sidesteps the elbow, goes outside, climbs up top, and hits a missile dropkick. Lionsault!! 1, 2, WELL IT'S A BIG KICKOUT! Jericho with a boot to the head, kick, off the ropes, but well it's a big press - and drop. Show motioning for it - it'll all be over soon - but wait, up on the EntertainmentTron, Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight, where we see Shane get the call from his stockbroker...but this time we continue past the ad break, where Shane talks about how he's brainwashed Show - "I has his brain lobotomized, dry cleaned, and shrink wrapped for your protection! I own him! 'Which way did he go?'" Show looks to Shane - and points - Show gets off the apron and goes after Shane, who duly sprints away. Hey, I think referee "Blind" Mike Sparks will get to ten here - in fact, Lilian Garcia is SO sure of it, she announces the countout victory while Sparks is only at four. Look, she's very pretty, but PLEASE - GET HER THE HELL AWAY FROM RING ANNOUNCING. (COR 3:19?)
Backstage, the chase continues - Shane sprinting, Show lumbering. Shane hops into his limo (going by the driver in the process) and drives away.
Meanwhile, we cut to Vince and Stephanie. "You know something,
think that's the first time Shane McMahon has driven himself anywhere in
his adult life." Hey, he probably doesn't have a chauffer's license!
Anyway, Stephanie bemoans the fact that with Jericho still champion,
Vince's guarantee won't take place. Vince says not to worry, we'll see how
well Jericho does in his title defense against Chris Benoit. Then he asks
for one of those forbidden kisses that sets the world on fire.
Kid Rock is coming to RAW is WAR! Who's he, the white Master P?
If you actually send me email attempting to answer the previous question, please consider going outside and banging your head repeatedly on a brick wall instead.
TOO COOL (with RAW is WAR is brought to you by Stacker 2, Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Beef Ravioli, and Squaresoft's Vagrant Story) v. BULL BUCHANAN & BIG BOSS MAN - It's Scotty Too Hotty and Bull Buchanan to start - lockup, Buchanan with the power edge and backing him up to the corner, right, left, right, right, Scotty ducks the next one and trades places - right, right, right, right, right, right, right, backing up, charging, Bull dumps him over the ropes to the apron. Right blocked, left blocked, hot shot, Taylor on top - plancha for 2. Tag to Grand Master Sexay. Double clothesline ducked, double gutshot, double bad dancing, double bald headed takedown, double pose elbow drop. Buchanan rakes Sexay's face and tags in Boss Man. Duck, Sexay with a right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, hiptoss is blocked, turns into a neckbreaker by Sexay. Sexay busts a move and runs into a big boot. There's a lesson there, I think. Head to the buckle, tag to Bull, Boss Man working the body in the mean time. Buchanan with his patented "amazing agility" clothesline. Off the ropes with the axe kick, and Hotty breaks it up at 2. Scoop - and a slam. Second rope - who knows WHAT he was trying to do, he ended up eating two big boots. Both men tag, and Scotty's a HOUSE ON FIRE! Taking care of both men with punches and dropkicks - Boss Man catches a cross body attempt, but Sexay dropkicks his own partner into a cover...for 2. All four men in it now - double DDT on Buchanan - Sexay and Boss Man tie up and go over the top, while in the ring Buchanan reverses a whip but ends up on the turnbuckles after a charge misses. Hotty off the ropes with a bulldog, a goofy face, and a Wurm. Hoo hoo hoo hi-ya, yeah, yeah, I know. Boss Man with the veteran plonking him from behind as he celebrates - both men work him over until referee "Blind" Tim White can pull away Buchanan. Off the ropes, Boss Man Slam - cover - White still talking with Buchanan, even as he's back in the corner...long enough for Sexay to don the goggles and come off with the Hip Hop Drop. After rolling it so Scotty's on top, he walks over to give Buchanan a shot while White counts 1, 2, 3. (4:01) Post-match, Buchanan is all over both men - Boss Man joining him now. The ACOLYTES come out because they demand satisfaction! All four men in black run off up the aisle. I suppose we just might be lucky enough to see a small epidemic of Dance Fever break out. Sure enough, after a brief American Males tribute, NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE! Light some pyro for effect!
Back in the locker room, Dean Malenko and Perry Saturn have some continuing words on their continuing issue. Malenko says that as far as he's concerned, they're even. Saturn asks if he's intentionally trying to piss him off. Ten seconds later, they attempt to bleep out the word "piss" - and fail miserably. Chris Benoit gets in the picture and tells them to quit fighting. "We came here together! You put this stuff on the back burner 'cause it stops here...and now." Then Eddie Guerrero comes in and shows off his incredibly annoying fake accent, telling Malenko that he knows he's frustrated, but perhaps Chyna knows somebody that she can introduce him to. As for Saturn, he's just as talented as the other three - he knows he wants his title shot, and if he's nice enough to Dean, he might get one some day. Saturn storms off and everybody else walks away as Guerrero stares at himself in HIS belt.
Triple H tells us WE'VE GOTTA WANT IT! No, wait...sorry. Wrong product placement
DEAN MALENKO & PERRY SATURN
(already in the ring) v. HARDY BOYZ - We
can only hope that the lack of an entrance means that Malenko & Saturn
wanted to spend that extra minute WRESTLING or something, right? HA!
Hardyz taken off the corners in mid-pose and it's on - brawling in opposite
corners, setting up for a double whip, but Jeff reverses Saturns's whip and
Matt decks him, while Jeff takes out Malenko after Matt ducks HIS
clothesline. Double clothesline takes out Saturn. Malenko into the ropes,
reveresed, kick by Matt - shot for Saturn on the apron, scoop slam for
Malenko, tag to Jeff - opposite corner dives, legdrop/splash combo - 1, 2,
Saturn pulls away referee "Blind" Jack Doan. Both Hardyz converge on
Saturn - into the opposite corner, Matt down on all fours for Jeff's
boosted leg lariat - but Saturn catches him and drops him pretty close to
his head. Oops, Ross just gave away the ending of the main event, saying
that Saturn was the only one of the (ugh) R4dicalz without a title. Saturn
punching Jeff, now holding him a a half-hearted imitation of Total
Elimination - Malenk covers, but only gets 2. Saturn tagged in - double
whip, double back elbow. Saturn with a gutwrench - now holding him - no,
putting him on the turnbuckle - Hardy fighting back - on top - twisting
moonsault finds the mark. Both men down - who will tag? Both of 'em?
Yup. Matt puts Malenko down - twice - now one for Saturn. Into the ropes,
big back body drop. Saturn dumped over the top to the floor. Jeff outside
- running the rail and there's a clothesline! Slam for Malenko - top rope
elbow by Matt - Jeff on top - Twist of Fate is countered with a Malenko
neckbreaker, while Saturn crotches Jeff on the top rope! Malenko putting
Matt in the Tejas cloverleaf while Saturn has Jeff ready for a suplex - but
Matt goes over and puts Saturn in a waistlock - Saturn wriggles free and
Matt backs up into Malenko, who breaks his hold and grabs Jeff - but only
for a minute - unfortunately, Saturn's superkick ends up hitting his own
partner! While Saturn argues with the referee, Jeff climbs up top and hits
the swanton bomb on Malenko! Matt drapes an arm over him while Jeff puts
Saturn on the floor. 1, 2, 3! (3:25) The Hardys go out by
of the ramp, which should mean more people are down the ramp pretty soon.
Sure enough, in the ring, Malenko and Saturn are having a heated discussion
about what just happened and EDDIE
GUERRERO & THAT SLUT CHYNA walk down to
the ring - but Saturn DECKS Guerrero, and Malenko takes out Chyna! Malenko
and Saturn still ready to go - and even with the REFS coming out, this
isn't gonna break up too soon...
But why watch that...when you can see Rikishi Phatu's ass? Sheeeeeeit.
Meanwhile, Pat Patterson attempts to limber up. He hopes aloud that McMahon's got something up his sleeve like he did for Brisco. Brisco tells him that all he knows is he's supposed to stay out of the way. Patterson "That's REAL nice..."
RIKISHI PHATU (with Judgment Day is brought to you by Army Men: World War - by 3DO!) v. PAT PATTERSON - the graphic has dropped the "Phatu" but Garcia and the EntertainmentTron video say otherwide - err, otherwise. Patterson ALSO comes out to "Real American," (Ross: "Patterson's from Montreal!!") looking around for help - but not finding any. Oh, wait, here's GERRY BRISCO & BILLIONAIRE VINCE - the latter carrying THE STICK: "Hold up - hold up - now...not...not that Mr. Patterson asked for any help, because quite frankly he did not ask for any, but Mr. Patterson - I'd like to introduce you to your tag team partners...his tag team partners...oh, you didn't know?" and out come ROAD DOGG & X-PAC. Patterson tries a cheap shot before the bell, but it's shaken off - but before Phatu can retaliate, D&X hit the ring. And promptly go down to a series of rights. Double noggin knocker! Double clothesline! X-Pac whipped into the corner, Dogg whipped into X-Pac. Fat ass splash coming up. Clothesline for Dogg, X-Pac ducks one and hits a spinning heel kick. Dogg with a flying forearm smash, X-Pac with a lightning legdrop. Dogg with the wiggly wobbly woovly kneedrop. Tag to Patterson! Patterson climbing the turnbuckles (?), but Phatu hits and uppercut and Patterson crotches himself. Superkicks all around! Patterson choked in the corner - whip into the opposite corner - fat ass splash! I'm sure I'll get in big trouble with quite a few of you perverts if I don't quote Ross at this point: "That's more ass than Patterson can handle!" Right for Dogg, but X-Pac gets ANOTHER spinning heel kick in. D&X stomp away while Patterson goes outside for a chair. "X Pac Sux" chant. WHACK! Referee "Blind" Teddy Long is left with no choice but to ring the bell. (DQ 1:43) X-Pac makes a wish, and puts his knee in a sensitive area. D&X set up Phatu in the corner...and Patterson makes an ominous statement. "Now it's MY turn, boy!" Patterson removes his shirt - pulls down his shorts...oof...there's an...ugh..."skid mark." That's it, I'm outta here. YOU deal with this segment. TOO COOL make the late save, somebody plays "Real American" again - MY GOD IN HEAVEN, THEY GAVE US A REPLAY!
Judgment Day is still coming...
And now, get ready for some Maximum Power - deliverd by RC Edge
Maximum Power cola! From last night's Heat, Benoit slams a door on Tazz'
arm, putting him out for either six weeks or three months.
MICHAEL KING COLE stands backstage with Chris Benoit. "What I'm going to do to Chris Jericho tonight - well, it can't be put into words. But I will tell you this, Michael - I don't care how many matches he's hand or how many excuses he can throw my way - that title around his waist belongs to me! And there ain't no question you can ask, or excuse that he can give that is gonna stop me from doing what I'm planning on doing to the man who gave me THIS." Benoit turns ninety degrees and we zoom in on his hitherto unseen shiner. "Payback's a bitch, Chris."
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands elsewhere with Chris Jericho. "Exhausted? I don't know about exhausted. I'm going through hell, tonight, there's no doubt. But as far as that guarantee goes, I've got a real sense of clarity now, three things are for sure in my head. #1, Shane McMahon is still that word that rhymes with wussy - #2, Stephanie McMahon is still a filthy, dirty, disgusting, burtal, skanky, bottom-feeding trashbag ho, - and #3, Big Mac, you still have an extremely tiny penis."
Hey, if you were STILL wondering who was taking the place of the Rock tonight, that last interview should have reminded you of someone else's style...right down to the standard "list."
Meanwhile, the limo returns! Shane has some words for the chauffer and security guy meeting him there - this is the first time he's ever been in the front of one of those things! He asks if the Big Show has left, and they give him an "uh huh." I keep waiting for the driver to say "Hey, like, *don't take off with my limousine any more*" but I guess Shane scares him with his powers or something.
Say...THAT was a nothin' happenin' segment, wasn't it?
Big Show eats Chef Boyardee Overstuff Italian Sausage Ravioli!
CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO v. CHRIS BENOIT for the Intercontinental Championship - you know, you can TALK about how "tired" Jericho must be until the cows come home, but at Backlash he wrestled Benoit for *15* minutes - so far tonight, he's only put in about 9 of bell time. Before the introductions, TREBLE H interrupts proceedings. "Let me introduce myself...the self-appointed Special Troubleshooting Referee that will be on the outside - the next World Wrestling Federation Champion - The Game, Triple H!" Champ enters first because...eh, screw it. Jericho pretends to REALLY give us "fatigure" on his undoubtedly (and literally!) *breathtaking* walk down the aisle. Penis penis penis! Let's ALL say it! In-ring ref is Mike Chioda. Jericho strikes first - drop toehold, chop, chop, chop, chop, knee, knee, elbow, chop, into the opposite corner, Benoit puts up a boot. Spinning heel kick ducked, Benoit pops up with three chops of his own - into the ropes, but Jericho knocks him down with a flying fist and wails away with rights - Chioda pulls him off. Interesting to note that Chioda doesn't have the earpiece - Triple H does. Well, interesting to me, anyway. Kick to the head. Elbow, into the ropes is reversed, duck, Jericho elbows him down - Lionsault misses, but he lands on his feet - spinning heel kick! Benoit rolls to the outside, while Jericho takes a breather. On the apron is Benoit - to the corner is Jericho for the springboard - but Benoit shoves him off the ropes and down to the barricade! Benoit puts Jericho in the STEEL steps. H, looking on and applauding. Snap suplex on the outside. Back in the ring we go - Jericho sent into the ropes, and put down with a clothesline. Benoit putting on the badmouth, stomp, stomp, backdrop suplex, cover...2. Benoit argues the count and then goes back to Jericho, Jericho tries a gutshot, Benoit hits a gutshot, and a backbreaker for 2. Benoit snapmares him over and puts on an abdominal stretch/cross armbreaker combo that probably has a really cool name, if only I knew it. Jericho won't give up - slowly to his feet - punching out - now they're trading blows. Into the ropes, Jericho's dropkick meets an empty pool. Elbowdrop by Benoit - catapult into the ringpost. Knife-edge chop, chop,
gunshot, kick, kick, kick, kick, stomp,
stomp, words for Chioda...now he and the ref are shoving. H in the ring
and telling him not to respect the zebra shirt the ref - Benoit shoving
*Triple H* (huh?) - now H with a right cross for Chioda (HUH?), and
throwing him to the outside. Jericho with a missile dropkick as Benoit
turns back around - H counts 2. Schoolboy by Jericho - another 2.
Benoit with a gutshot, Northern Lights suplex and bridge for 2. Jericho
holds onto the whip attempt - Benoit ducks and also holds on - German
suplex - holding on for two - third attempt is blocked, Benoit to the back
of the head with a forearm - trying again for the suplex, but Jericho
throws a back elbow - Jericho drops down - rollup! Jericho turns it over
into the Walls of Jericho! Benoit trying to fight it but Jericho DOES
turn it over! Benoit refusing to lose - reaching to the ropes...huh?
is out and H drops everything to cast his eyes in her direction.
Unfortunately, he happens to miss seeing Benoit tap out. Jericho breaks
the hold (dummy) and walks over to stomp on Triple H. H turns back around
- right cross, right into a Crippler crossface from Benoit. Hey, I didn't
see Jericho tap but apparently he must have said something (uh huh),
because Triple H calls for the bell. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new
Intercontinental champion. (7:08) Benoit exits as the
rest of the HOLLYWOOD
SQUARES come out and help to administer a world
class beatdown, culminating in a Pedigree from Triple H, a couple
open-handed slaps from Stephanie (oh yeah, Stephanie's wearing pink and
black to SCREW BRET HART), a Mean Street right from Shane, and finally a -
well, no...as Vince is set to deliver a chairshot to Jericho, THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ, WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW, RIKISHI
PHATU & TOO COOL make the save. The ring
continues to fill with unusual objects (those crazy New Yawkaz!) while
Jericho's music plays one more time. One more look at our triumphant
heels and some credits - oh, can't forget that WWF logo - and we're
out...'til Thursday, anyway.
Hey, what happened with the Hardcore championship? I thought I heard something about the Bulldog or something...eh, must have imagined it.