/15 May 2000
WWF RAW is WAR
was neat - I was checking out my web logs and saw
that I was paid a visit by somebody on michael.vatican.va - as in, Vatican
City - as in, THE POPE'S 'HOOD, YO. That's the good news. The bad news
is whoever it was was looking for information on Baltimora. Oh well...you
take the hits where you can get them, I guess.
QUICK QUOTE: WWFE 17 1/2 (- 3/8)
TONIGHT: Gund! Cleveland! The Nine! The Rock! Ten minutes of "Walker!" Keep it on USA!
TV-14-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Straight into them opening credits, where the logo tells us the show is close captioned
AHHH! IT'S COMIN' RIGHT AT ME! THE PYRO! THE PYRO! Ohh...sorry. Hey! Don't put that "RAW is the SHIT" sign on camera! You can't say that on TV! Official attendance at the sold out Gund Arena in Cleveland, OH is 18,123 for the 15.5.2K episode of RAW is WAR - LIVE - on the USA Network! (And maybe TSN)
Backstage, the Rock - ARRIVES! And he's WALKING!
As if that weren't enough, walking out is COMMISSIONER MICHAELS for the first time since...what, August? The picture of domesticated bliss, in white sport coat over red TWA T-shirt and black jeans - and a Spurs cap? Man, I HATE rampant fantacism over a team not even in the playoffs anymore! Lucky is - the pyro dude still had his old setup even if the spotlight guy didn't...what's Shawn gonna say? Stick with me, babe - we'll find out together. "For those of you that may not know who I am...my name is the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels. And at one time...years ago, that is...they used to refer to me simply as 'the greatest wrestler that ever lived.' But, since that time, I have been the World Wrestling Federation commissioner. Now, there are a lotta things that have gone on that there - that people should have been punished for...["HBK"]...there are a lot of things that have gone on that people should have been punished for that didn't happen...and that's MY fault. See, I've got a great number of priorities in my life right now - one is the Shawn Michaels wrestling academy, one is my very own promotion - the Texas Wrestling Alliance - and more importantly than all of that, the biggest priority in my life and my reason for living is my beautiful wife Rebecca, and our four month old beautiful baby boy, Cameron. But as a result of all that, I haven't been good at my job. So I'm gonna take this time, right now, to retire - to resign - as the commissioner of the World Wrestling Federation because...a lot of things have gone on here, and if I'm gonna be perfectly honest with myself and each and every one of you, the first person that should be punished is me, because what's going on now, this whole 'Era' thing that's going on in the World Wrestling Federation is my fault because last August, at the first ever SmackDown!, I'm the guy that started these wheels in motion."
Let Us Take You Back to the SECOND SmackDown!, August 1999, when Michaels inserted a superkick to halt the People's Elbow - one Pedigree later, Triple H held onto the title.
Before another word is uttered, "No Chance in Hell" fires up and out bounds BILLIONAIRE VINCE, all smiles. "How 'bout this, huh?" ["Ass Hole"] "Let's please not ruin this moment! That's some of the greatest archivial footage in the history of the World Wrestling Federation ...and Shawn Michaels, back here in this WWF ring - I can't believe it! And...I don't believe I invited you, but ... since when does Shawn Michaels ever need an invitation here in the World Wrestling Federation?" "Well...I appreciate that, Vince, I appreciate all the kind words, but for what it's worth, I was- I was invited here tonight - in fact, I was invited here by the CEO and President of the World Wrestling Federation - your wife, Linda McMahon!" Oh no, Vince is GULPING MELODRAMATICALLY! "And, uh, I - I came here because I have two - two announcements. One being, that, on one hand I did resign as commissioner of the World Wrestling Federation, but thanks to your lovely wife I am now the official spokesperson for the World Wrestling Federation. (Does Jim Byrne know about this?) And...the second announcement is - that it's my understanding, that this Sunday at Judgment Day, you have a sixty minute Iron Man match for the World Wrestling Federation championship, between the WWF Champion...uh-the Rock...and the challenger, your son-in-law, Triple H. And, well...y'know, I'm sittin' at home with Momma and my boy, and I'm thinking, you know, there's one dude that I know that made the Iron Man match FAMOUS...and, I heard Triple H cuttin' his promo, talkin' 'bout 'the one match everybody's afraid of,' and it's true, but, heck I'm not afraid of it - hell, I done it before! In fact, I'm the *only* man in the World Wrestling Federation that has gone sixty minutes in an Iron Man match, so I figured what the hell? Since I've done it, I oughta be the special referee this Sunday at Judgment Day!" "Well, you know...SHUT UP! You know, Shawn, you've caught me a little off guard here, but there's no question - at one time you were one of the greatest WWF champions of all time...there's no doubt about that. But, and you were also known as the most resilient WWF Champion of all time - there's no question. I just wonder, Shawn, I just wonder...how resilient are you...now?" Vince punctuates these last few words with a finger in the chest - that CAN'T be a good idea...sure enough, Shawn looks to and fro, smiles, and shoves Vince to the mat. Play his music! Shawn walks back up the ramp as Vince gets up and works a glare...then points at him. Shawn motions towards his crotch in return.
The Rock - Triple H - Sixty Minutes of Iron Man Match - Judgment Day - Sunday!
Moments Ago....well, I hope you've learned your lesson! The opening
quarter hour CAN have an in-ring talkin' segment!
During the Break, a jubilant Michaels climbed into his limousine and sped away from the arena...almost simultaneous with the arrival of the DX limo (what happened to the bus?) - Dogg & X-Pac are all "was that Shawn?" but Triple H scoffs. Big Show meets the party with "you guys got Shane with you?" and checks out the interior of the limo - but Shane's not there. Show doesn't seem too happy, for some reason...
THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ v. AL SNOW & STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) - Backstage, the WWF cameras catch a strategy session betwixt Snow and Blackman: "All right, look, we can take out the Dudleyz tonight. You keep that serious attitude, and thank God that Head Cheese crap is behind us!" "(flatly) I don't know why you bring that up. I mean, I no longer carry head, and you no longer have an affinity for cheese--" "I NEVER had an affinity for cheese! And what the hell are you doing now?" "Steve, I'm meditating. It's what serious people do. Now come join me as we take on the Dudleyz." Blackman shakes his head in perturbed fashion... Tonight, Kurt Angle takes on Rikishi! Crash Holly defends the hardcore title! A hardcore rules match sees Chris Jericho take on Hardcore Holly! Eddie Guerrero and Chyna team against Saturn and Malenko! And a triple threat tag team title match between the champs, the Hardyz, and the Acolytes! Wow, when was the last time they ran down the whole show for us? And why no mention of Benoit? D-Von and Snow start. Lockup, hammerlock by D-Von, reversed by Snow, Dudley reverses - this chain wrestling is making me dizzy - knee by Dudley, side headlock, off the ropes, shoulderblock, we look to the ramp where D & X and TORI have appeared - back to the ring where Snow is blocking kicks and punches, now going to the martial arts with an elbow and a discus clothesline to the back of the head. Series of kicks, to the back of the head again, next strike is ducked and D-Von throws an elbow. Tag to Buh-Buh Ray - open shot, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, big back body drop by Snow, clothesline, tag to Blackman. Brief doubleteam. As Herb would say, the most over man in this match is X-Pac, as the"X Pac Sux" chant is loud and proud. Blackman puts Dudley into the ropes, it's reversed, elbow ducked, Dudley ducks a spin kick, Blackman blocks a punch, kick, kick, off the ropes, but Dudley catches him in a sidewalk slam, then gives a shot to Snow, drawing referee "Blind" Mike Chioda over so the "headbutt to the graun" spot can occur. D-Von stays in as if they've tagged. Into the ropes, reversed, Snow grabs the ankle and pulls D-Von out in a body scissors - it takes two bounces, but D-Von eventually falls face first on the ramp. Meanwhile, Blackman and Buh-Buh Ray are brawling elsewhere outside the ring. D-Von put back in the ring - send into the ropes, double clothesline ducked, D-Von hits one of his own - tag to Buh-Buh Ray - he's a house on fire! A VERY SLOW HOUSE ON FIRE. D-Von is tagged in - Snow sent into the ropes, Blackman crosses in front of it (hey, that's a no-no!) and takes Buh-Buh Ray outside while Snow tries to get some kicks on D-Von. Snow kneeing D-Von - looks like they have no idea what to do right now - ahhh, Snow quickly finds a way to get himself into position for 3D (Dudley Death Drop!) 1, 2, 3. (3:07) Blackman DOES get a Lethal Kick on D-Von for revenge, but Buh-Buh Ray dumps him out - but now DX has rushed the ring - Golota and X Factor for Buh-Buh Ray while Dogg dumps D-Von on the other side of the ring. Dogg's going fishing under the ring - hey, there's a stop sign under there! No, he wants the table. X-Pac puts Dudley on the table as Dogg goes up - but Tori wants the shot - Tori climbs to the top turnbuckle..and splashes Buh-Buh Ray through the table!
"Bond explodes on video!" Hey, I don't wanna see Bond explode anywhere near me.
Trash Talkin' Stage ad - man, Jericho's example of trash talkin' sure is WEAK.
Moments Ago - what do you MEAN, you missed Tori's splash when it was live? Well, here's two angles.
Backstage, D-Von tries to get his half-brother to snap out of it by testifying. Tori's sins won't go unpunished on Judgment Day...they will testify!
STEPHANIE ONO is out to "My Time." "I am SO incredibly proud of Tori. Tori stood up for herself and she put Buh-Buh Ray Dudley through that table. But Tori is not the only one in the World Wrestling Federation who has suffered humiliation and degradation. As a matter of fact, just one week ago, I myself almost suffered the most humiliating, and - and violating thing of my life - I can't even talk about it - roll the footage!"
Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!, where an unconscious Stephanie almost suffered a stinkface but for the timely intervention of her husband. "Thank you, Hunter!"
"Can you imagine...that bulbous, smelly, sweaty bottom in MY pristine, beautiful face? The stinkyface
is the most revolting, and- and
repulsive move in the World Wrestling Federation, and Rikishi, you're gonna
be sorry, because tonight you're facing a man that feels the exact same way
that I do..."
KURT ANGLE v. RIKSIHI - Angle comes out with an embrace - no, wait - a handshake for Stephanie, who walks off. "Stephanie, I too am sickened with the stinkface. I'm not even sure how the move got started! Maybe it's the way you people in Samoa greet each other, I don't know. But what I DO know is while rubbing your butt in someone's face may be suitable behaviour in simple places like Samoa - and let's face it, Cleveland, Ohio as well - oh, it's true, it's true...how do you think the Cleveland Browns got their name? It's true. But the fact is, the stinkface is NOT a sanctioned wrestling move, and therefore does NOT belong in this ring, and that is true!" The chyron and ring announcer leave out the "Phatu," but the EntertainmentTron video doesn't...maybe next week. Angle tries to rush Rikishi, but it doesn't work. In fact, it looks like Angle runs right into a phantom punch, 'cause Rikishi didn't do a DAMN thing, but down he went nonetheless. (The night of blown spots!) Angle bounces up, but meets with a real right, up, down again, Angle rakes the face, right, right, attempted slam, no dice, bodyslam by Rikishi, off the ropes with a legdrop, right, into the ropes, head down, Sunset flip attempt - no - but the buttdrop misses the mark. EDGE & CHRISTIAN & PAT PATTERSON appear at the top of the ramp. Patterson's rubbing his rump - brrrrr. Angle tries a punch, but it's blocked and Rikishi hits. Into the corner, followed with a clothesline. Angle slumped in the corner - hmmm, I wonder. Rikishi slowly walks over - but Edge & Christian run down to make the save (DQ 1:04) - Angle whipped into the corner, Christian whipped into Angle, Edge whipped into Christian - fat ass splash on the pile! TOO COOL are down, taking out Patterson on THEIR way to the ring, and the Judgment Day opposition is cleared from the ring. Better play the music, because NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE!! On Sunday, it'll be a big six man and I have a sneaky suspicion Pat Patterson will latch onto this action before all is said and done...well, perhaps that was an unfortunate choice of words...
Meanwhile, outside the arena, Big Show is STALKING! Pacing around and waiting for Shane to arrive..
Let Us Take You Back To SmackDown! and show you why Show's ire has been raised - following a table match, Shane got him some. Show, needless to say, ain't too happy.
Hey, check out the exterior shot of the Gund Arena - along with the requisite "Sold Out" marquee shot
THA GODFATHA (with ten - no, five ho's) v. CRASH HOLLY (with Scale Holly) for the hardcore championship - Godfather comes out to his "not Ice T" theme 'cause it's still the 9 hour...alert the media! Crash must have been watching the show backstage, because he brings out the stop sign, then goes under for some more weaponry - a push broom, a broom broom, Ross: "I think he's looking for tag team partners!" Godfather stomps on holly as he gets in the ring and it's on - off the ropes, shoulderblock. Stomp. Into the ropes, big boot. All Pimp Daddy. Got the broom - whack. Scoop - slam - not on the broom, but he tried. Godfather off the ropes, but the elbow misses. He MIGHT have gotten the broom. Holly takes him into the ropes, but Godfather reverses and puts him over the top to the outside. Godfather whips Holly RIGHT into Scale - yow. Right cross by Godfather. Scoops him up - drops him on the barricade - Arm Men: World War Double Feature shows the meeting of Crash and his scale. Lawler keeps calling for the stop sign - "I wonder what sign the ho's - what's your favourite sign?" "That wouldn't be YIELD, would it?" "I know it's not 'DO NOT ENTER.'" "I beg your pardon." Back in the ring - powerslam by the Godfather - warming up for the Ho Train - but Holly puts up the STOP sign and puts a stop to it - the sign also takes on the cameraman outside the ring. CLANG. Now D'LO BROWN is out. Clubbing forearm to Holly - 'Lo Down frog splash for Godfather - Sky Hi for Holly - 1, 2, Godfather breaks it up. Godfather takes Brown over the top rope to the floor, and goes to follow as one of the ho's comes into the ring and covers - 1, 2, 3!! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new hardcore champion. (2:34) Ring announcer LILIAN GARCIA is stymied. "Your winner, and new World Wrestling
Federation hardcore champion...well--....one of
Godfather's...ho's!" Now that's a DIFFERENT kind of hardcore! Meanwhile,
Holly's recovered enough to schoolboy ("schoolgirl") her, hook a leg
("thong thong thong thong thong"), and get a 1, 2, 3. Ladies and
gentlemen, we have the same old hardcore champion - for the eighth time.
Backstage, Vince, Steph, and Triple H - are - WALKING!
Meanwhile, Show is still waiting for Godot - or Shane
Why yes, that Stacker 2 ad IS scary!
Here's a brief bit of "The Kings" - that video will debut on MTV right after this show!
Hey, let's play "The Kings" one more time to bring out BILLIONAIRE VINCE, STEPHANIE ONO & TREBLE H. The graphic might say "McMahon-Helmsley Faction," but, hell, there's only a THIRD of the out there! Apparently, TSN just caught up with the liveness of it all - thanks for showing up, Canada! - so Ross runs down the bit from earlier in the show while these folks walk to ringside. The pyro guy must have been expecting more people, he's set up the DX pyro - but they end up pulling them off the apron instead of firing 'em off. "Give it up for the next WWF Champion, Triple H! I have an announcement to make, and that is Shawn Michaels has left the building (ha!) ...and it's a damn good thing he has. But in yet another announcement as it relates to tonight. Tonight, your beloved World Wrestling Federation champion the Rock...will be In This Very Ring. And the Rock will face another champion - with far greater credentials than his, and that would be the intercontinental champion, Chris Benoit. Now, to make sure that the Rock doesn't have any rust on him, after all he has had this one week delay and whatver, so why don't we make this a submission match?" Vince wonders aloud if Rock has ever won a match by submission? Stephanie can't remember. Triple H offers "I don't believe the Rock knows any submission moves, Vince." I'd offer the first time Rock won the WWF Championship, but really, who can remember back that far? Wait a minute - *I* just did! Sharpshooter to Mankind, Survivor Series 1998...remember? Eh? Eh? Eh. Triple H continues... "Speaking of the Rock...Rock, you're gonna come out here tonight, and you are gonna answer my challenge. But, Rock, I wanna make sure that you are absolutely clear what you are getting yourself into Sunday at Judgment Day. Rock, I want there to be no question; I want there to be no excuse. So, it goes like this: Iron Man match, Rock. Sixty minutes - the winner is the one that takes the most falls. Rock, this one is not about catchphrases. This is not about cliches. This is not about gimmicks. There will be no excuses, Rock. ["Rock E"] You see, Rock, because this is the one match that nobody wants to touch. This is the one match that nobody, in their right minds, wants to get in the ring and try to do, quite simply, Rock, because they don't have the ability to do it. The question you have to ask yourself is, Rock, do you have that ability? Because, Rock, there is no question about it - I have that ability and then some. Rock, mark my words - when Judgment Day is over, one man will walk from that ring, and that man will be the very best - he will be the greatest - and he will be the undisputed World Wrestling Federation champion - and Rock...he will be The Game, and he will be Triple H. Now, as far as Shawn Michaels goes - Shawn, you and I have quite a past together, my friend - one hell of a ride, right buddy? That's one past, that's for damn sure. But I'll tell you what, Shawn, when I see you come into this ring talking like you did today, I have to ask myself...do you and I even HAVE a present...here? But, Shawn, there's one thing that there is no question of, and that is if you do not call this match the way it should be called Sunday at Judgment Day, Shawn, I can guarantee you that you will have NO FUTURE. Now I see these signs out here--" "If ya smellllll..." and out comes LA ROCA to offer a brief counterpoint. "Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK to Cleveland! Triple H, for one week you've been runnin' your mouth, challenging the Rock - Iron Man match - Judgement Day! Well, seeing as the Rock is officially back on RAW, let the Rock officially answer your challenge. 'cause in six days at Judgment Day, the Rock is officially just gonna kick your candy ass!" Rock turns his head, ever so slightly, so as to feed a chant of his name. "Triple H, the Rock realises that there is something deep down inside you that eats you alive, something that makes you wake up in a cold sweat, make you have nightmares, and that is the fact that as good as you are, the Rock is simply...better. And at Judgment Day, Iron Man match, the Rock is gonna prove that. Speaking of the Iron Man match, Shawn Michaels, he comes out and he dances, he prances, runs his mouth about now all of a sudden he is the guest referee of the Iron Man match. Well the Rock smells a rat from the word go. The last time the Rock and Triple H was in - the last time the Rock, Triple H, HBK in the middle of the ring, HBK cost the Rock the WWF title. So Shawn Michaels, the Rock says this: the Rock says you better call the match straight down the middle or the Rock will take his boot and shove it straight up your candyass. Now as for tonight, Vince McMahon you wanna do all you can to the Rock before Judgment Day, throw everything at the Rock. Submission match - Chris Benoit - well, the Rock says this: one way or the other, as the Rock always does, he's gonna get the job done.
Triple H, six days, Judgment Day, Iron Man match, the
Rock says this: you're probably saying to yourself, Rock, an hour is too
much for the Rock to handle, one hour is too long, well considering what
the Rock is gonna do to you at Judgment Day, Iron Man match, one
hour...isn't long enough. If ya smelllllllllllllllllalalalooowww...what
the Rock is cookin'."
His Judgment Day is coming...whatever that means
CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO v. HARDCORE HOLLY (with RAW credits & TV-14-DLV ratings box) in a hardcore match - surprisingly, Jericho is not selling the fatigue of wrestling three matches last week on this program. Lawler speculates that this match is a favour to Benoit, to match the one he's doing by participating in the match with the Rock - as Benoit agreed to soften up Rock for Sunday, so too was Jericho booked in a match that should soften HIM up for Sunday. Immediately, we get to poundin', to the mat, back up, still exchanging blows, referee "Blind" Chad Patton trying vainly to break it up - all three through the ropes to the floor. Jericho gets to choppin', now we're to the barricade - whip into the STEEL steps is reversed and Jericho hits hard. Jericho manages a drop toehold into the steps in return. Jericho grabs a chair - but misses and hits the post instead. Holly clotheslines Jericho to the floor. Big ol' slap from Holly. Back into the ring, and Holly brings the chair on his way back - but Jericho baseball slides into the chair, into Holly on the floor! Arm Men: World War gives a Double Feature of the big clothesline. Jericho back outside and choking Holly with a camera cable. Looks like they'll go over the barricade now - Brawling out in the crowd, trading blows, Jericho through a makeshift barricade - hey, that's the section walled off for the cameras! Jericho and Holly climb up on the railing, but if they had a big spot planned, it didn't come off as they both ended up on the floor instead. Now they're brawling through the crowd - looks like they just MIGHT make it back to the ringside area. Scary lookin' rat! Holly goes under the ring and finds a leather strap. WHIP! WHIP! Jericho put back in the ring and AGAIN Holly looks for plundah - got the trashcan. Holly to the top rope - but Jericho dropkicks the can on his way down! Jericho with the can - WHACK! I KNOW that didn't make TSN...Jericho ready to put on the Walls of Jericho...that must mean it's time to cue the run-in by CHRIS BENOIT - Dragon sleeper!! Jericho flailing wildly - Holly outside and he's got the chair - Benoit shoves Jericho RIGHT into the path of the wildly swinging chair. Holly got the leg - 1, 2, 3. (4:30) Replay of the "blatant choke" and chairshot.
A limo arrives - Show is there to meet it. He drags out...some guy. Well, that's not Shane. In fact, I have no idea WHO that is. It's probably some ECWA guy; they're *everywhere.* Anyway, Show shouts out "Where's Shane?" and I hope he finds him pretty soon - we're gonna run out of show!
Time now for RC Edge (Maximum Cola) to present some Maximum Power! From Heat, T&A interfere on behalf of Val Venis to get him the win over Matt Hardy. Why? Stay tuned...
walks out - guess he got past the Big Show. "Will somebody
please tell the Big Show that I'm not out in the parking lot - that I'm
right here? So, everyone can - the Big Show can stop asking the question,
uhh, 'Gee - which way did Shane go, ho ho, ho ho, which way did he go?'
Now let me first, quickly, focus my attention on all of you, the wonderful
fans here in the World Wrestling Federation. You see, for weeks now, I've
been coming out here and I've been hearing this chant that 'Shane's a...'
I'm a... yeah, that's it, that Shane's...a pussy! Now before I take great
exception to that remark, I consulted Webster's Dictionary, and the word is
clearly defined in the dictionary as...a cat. Which, frankly, now I
understand why you call me that...because I am as quick as a cat...'cause I
got the moves and the ferocity of a jungle cat - matter of fact, this
jungle cat is feelin' so frisky that young Simba, Shane McMahon will be
challenging, right now, the Big Show, to a one-on-one matchup at Judgment
Day. And, by the way, that match will be decided under 'no
disqualification' rules. So, Big Show, after I have defeated you, 1, 2, 3,
and you are lying flat here on the canvas looking up at those bright lights
up in the sky - as this jungle cat sashays down the aisle victorious, the
only question, Show, that will be left in that lobotomized mind of yours
will once again be 'which way did he go, ho ho, ho ho, which way did Shane
go--" WELL IT'S THE BIG
SHOW's music plays and out comes a jovial Show.
"You know, you have just made my day. You have! Think about it, I don't
have to hunt you down now. I've got you right where I want you, and I've
got you at Judgment Day. 'cause you're a cat, right? You're a cat with
nine lives? Well, at Judgment Day, I can't tell you - I'm not a cat, I'll
tell you exactly what I am - you know what I am? I'm a Big Nasty Bastard
is what I am! You know, matter of fact, why should I wait until Judgment
Day, I think right now I'm gonna cash in a few of your lives right now with
my foot in your ass!" Shane begs off, saying he knew he'd have some pent
up aggression, so he's booked him in a special handicap match...
WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW v. T&A (with Trish Stratus [the fitness model] & Gerald Brisco...and Skippy) - Test locks up with Show - and gets shoved away. Duck, right, right, right, Test off the ropes, but he meets a big boot. Well it's a big clothesline. Well it's a big forearm. Well it's a big beal. Test gives us shock, then tags in Albert. Albert tries, and eats many elbows instead. Off the ropes, duck, well it's a big powerslam. Show motioning for it - but Test clips him. Both men attack the back - double whip into the opposite corner, do si do whip of Albert into a splash - taken into Test's boot. Hey, are Test and Shane still good friends? Double suplex (wow! Even if I did hear Test give a "ready? 1 - 2 - 3!" while they did it) - Test covers - kicked out with authority - Albert tries, same deal. They stay on him. Double whip into the opposite corner, THIS time the do si do whip misses and Albert bites the turnbuckle. Show knocks down Test with a big clothesline. Gutwrench - sidewalk slam on Albert. Show over to Test - well it's a big slap. Test put in the corner, followed up with a running lariat. Show kicks Albert as Stratus passes a chair to Test. Show turns to Test, punches the chair and puts Test down. Well it's a big spinebuster on Albert. Powerbomb coming up - but Stratus is in the ring - and taking a swipe at Show! Show takes her by the neck - but Brisco is in and pointing a finger - so HE ends up taking the bullet. ahhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM for Brisco. Shane is in and he's got the chair. whack. Referee "Blind" Jim Korderas calls for the bell (DQ 3:36) while Show calmly turns around - and the chase is on. Shane slips a few times to make it close - but Show finds Shane behind the curtain, lifts him up and throws him right into the wwf.com sign at the bottom of the EntertainmentTron! Test and Albert try to make the rescue, but they both get headbutts for their trobules. Here's a few angles by way of replay of that wwf.com logo shot, which WAS pretty neat.
Judgment Day "Iron Man match" promo #2
Time now for the Slam of the Week - presented tonight by "Army Men: World War!" From SmackDown!, Chyna makes merry on Saturn with a lead pipe.
EDDIE GUERRERO & THAT SLUT CHYNA v. DEAN MALENKO &
PERRY SATURN -
hey, how about one more replay from Moments Ago of Shane getting his back
run into the bottom of the EntertainmentTron? Lawler asks on "Simba's"
condition a few thousand times - arrgh. Saturn attacks Guerrero before the
bell, quickly suplexing him outside over the top rope. Chyna turns away
from Malenko and finds herself alone in a bad neighbourhood.
Unfortunately, they attack black ninja style - Chyna puts down Saturn, puts
down Malenko, but Saturn manages a blind clothesline. Malenko stomps,
Saturn joins him. Malenko holding Chyna in a backbreaker, but before
Saturn can drop a leg from the top, Eddie pushes him to the floor (!) - but
Malenko shoves Guerrero off the apron and HE hits the floor. Chyna puts
Malenko in the corner and kicks away - into the opposite corner, shitty
gymnastic elbow by Chyna. Tag to Guerrero, who runs at Malenko, gets
dumped overhead, but into Saturn - down with a dropkick. Guerrero with a
belly-to-back on Malenko (who was distracted into teasing Chyna) Head to
the buckle, into the ropes, dropping down, big elbow, Guerrero saying "up
and over!" but I guess Saturn had that scouted as he pulls Eddie off the
apron and clasps him in a full nelson for Malenko's baseball slide
dropkick. Put back in the ring for Saturn, who knees away. Into the
corner, tag to Malenko - both men shove him into their corner. Kick, into
the corner, fireman's carry into a gutbuster, gutwrench, Guerrero flips
over and rolls up Malenko for 2. Malenko with a clothesline. Into the
corner, stomping, tag, another hard shove into the corner, Saturn wailing
away with rights, Guerrero tries to fight out of the corner, and does until
falling into a You Call It flapjack from Saturn. Scoop - and a slam.
Saturn climbs to the top - massive elbow - 1, 2, kickout! Somehow he got
that shoulder up. Saturn has Guerrero up - running him into the corner.
Saturn on the second rope as well - superplex attempt being fought off -
front slam by Guerrero - to the top rope - springing off with a
huracanrana! Guerrero tumbles forward - and makes the tag! Elbow, elbow,
into the ropes, clothesline - Malenko it, clotheslined down. Saturn into
the ropes, powerslam - Malenko into the ropes, fireman's carry - no, a
backdrop I guess. Saturn over and the numbers have finally caught up.
Into the ropes, two heads down, kick for Saturn, DDT for Malenko. Guerrero
in now and all four are fighting in opposite corners. Before they can do
the stereo whips, Saturn stops and reverses his while Chyna and Malenko
keep fighting in the corner. Guerrero ends up with his arms around Chyna's
waist, but her trick knee acts up and ends up taking Guerrero right in his
Latino heat! Malenko grabbing Chyna's leg while Saturn hits the
brainbuster and covers for the pin. (5:09) Chyna didn't know
happened...who knows if she'll figure it out, 'cause we cut straight to
Backstage, Edge & Christian talk about the money they've raked in from the stupid kids. MICHAEL KING COLE walks up to them and asks why they'd put the titles on the line tonight in a triple threat match. "Well, why would you dye your hair like a fourteen-year old girl? What do you mean, why? We're the fightingest champions of all time - that's what we do!" "And besides, this isn't about the Acolytes or the Hardy *Boyz*, it's about the fans, and for the citizens of Cleveland who can afford flash photography, we have a very special surprise in store for them."
Hey! WWF SmackDown! comes to the Oakland Arena 11 July! That's the night after RAW at the San Jose Arena! I want to go to them BOTH! Yeah! Their first time back in over six years - I wonder if the Rock will say he's finally come back to Oakland? I must go and know!
Tomorrow, USA presents "the Real McCoy," or so say our commentators
EDGE & CHRISTIAN v. HARDY BOYZ (with promos) v. ACOLYTES in a Triple Threat match for the tag team championship - "Citizens of Cleveland - your World Wrestling Federation champions...SO have a treat for all of you tonight." "For the benefit of those with flash photography, tonight we will unveil a very special new pose. For five seconds only! We call this 'a Cleveland Indians relief pitcher.'" Edge pantomimes a pitch...and then he and Christian arch their heads as the game winning homerun flies by. Tonight, RAW is WAr is brought to you by Stacker 2, "The Rock: The People's Champion" video and DVD, and Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli! Acolytes rush the ring and work over the Hardyz - the champs are content to watch until Bradshaw attempts a cover of Matt Hardy - and Christian breaks it up. Bradshaw chases Christian out of the ring - and Edge reaches over to tag his back. Referee "Blind" Teddy Long actually catches this and attempts to send the Acolytes back to their corner. Edge puts down Hardy - Bradshaw stomps Edge in the back. Now both Acolytes work over Edge. Long FINALLY manages to get them in their corner as Jeff is tagged in for some Hardy doubleteaming - all fours assisted sidekick gets 2. Jeff is stll on him with rights - running at Edge, who dumps him on the top rope, and to the apron - tag to Christian - stereo headbutts - 2 count. Right, into the corner, Hardy gets a boot up, climbs to the top with no hands, then flies off with a corkscrew moonsault. Both men looking to tag their partners - let's sneak in a Army Men: World War Double Feature. Both men tag - Matt Hardy is a HOUSE AFIRE on Edge, then Christian, then I guess he figures "what the hell, might as well dropkick Bradshaw for the hell of it as well" - Jeff comes in and flies out with a pescado onto Bradshaw! Faarooq says "hey, that's enough" and comes over to beat the tar out of Hardy. Meanwhile, IN the ring, Matt Hardy has Edge caught with the Twist of Fate - but Long is looking outside - Long is over too late and Hardy picks himself up. Long again casts his gaze outside - Christian is in with the Tomokaze - Long turns around to see Edge covering Matt Hardy - 1, 2, 3. (2:25) They get the belts and take off. Well, Edge takes off - Christian kinda stands there like "hey, where's he goin'?" then realises he's on the EntertainmentTron, so he breaks into a grin and shows off both tag belts. Kinda funny, actually.
Hey, how about one more look at the Gund Arena - go figure, the show
is STILL sold out
If you pay for Judgment Day, you might wish to send your cable bill to this address and receive a WWF car sunshade.
In the locker room, Vince is giving some instruction to Chris Benoit - Michael King Cole interrupts, looking for an interview. "Chris, umm, what were you and Mr. McMahon talking about?" "That's none of your damn business, Michael." "Okay, well, tonight it's champion versus champion in a nontitle submission match, you versus the Rock - but, Chris, again, many people believe that you shouldn't be intercontinental champion." "What part of what I do in the ring do you not understand? Now I'm sick and tired of people asking the same damn question. What I am is the WWF intercontinental champion. What I possess is the most devastating submission hold in the WWF, the Crippler Crossface. Heh - and what I'm gonna do to the Rock tonight is just a little preview of what's in store for Chris Jericho at Judgment Day. Now let me ask you a question, Mr. Microphone. How many submission holds does the Rock use?" "I don't - I don't know - " "Exactly." Benoit kinda rapped on Cole's head with the belt at one point. Looks like a Crossface for Cole is inevitable - but how far down the pike will they continue to tease it?
Hey! The Rock is WALKING!
His Judgment Day is coming....whoever he is...
Hey, don't forget - "The Kings" premieres at 11:15 on MTV!
CHRIS BENOIT v. LA ROCA in a nontitle submission match - WWF Judgment Day is brought to you by 3DO's Army Men: World War - this Sunday at the sold out War Memorial in...Tommy? "Louisville." Benoit wants at him while he's smelling it but referee "Blind" Tim White holds him back. Before the match starts, TREBLE H & STEPHANIE ONO appears at the top of the ramp. Rock apparently takes a gander in that direction, because when we look back at the ring, Benoit is all over Rock with kicks and elbows. Rock absorbs all of it and punches back - elbow. Benoit with a gutshot, Dragon screw legwhip! Going for an Indian deathlock - Rock grabs the bottom rope. Benoit grabs the knee and drives it into the mat. Benoit picks up the left leg for more punishment, but Rock punches, right, right, Benoit right, off the ropes, gutshot by the Rock, DDT! Rock with a stomp, stomp, stomp, elbow to the back of the head, right, Benoit chops, Rock with a right, into the ropes, reversed, Benoit catches him, knee to the gut, headbutt, Rock with two gutshots, armdrag takeover (!), Fujiwara/Kunze armbar (!!), and Benoit walks backward and laces the bottom rope with his foot. White breaks the hold. Rock stomps, stomp, kneelift, right, into the ropes is reversed, Benoit buries a knee in the gut. Commentators speculate that while Rock KNOWS the holds, he just chooses to never use 'em. Uhh. Benoit stomping. BILLIONAIRE VINCE is out to join the party. Nice snap suplex by Benoit - hell, his snap suplex is ALWAYS nice. Big backdrop driver by Benoit - Benoit going for the Sharpshooter? Got it! Ross calling it the Sharpshooter - now even invoking the name of Bret "the Hitman" Hart - what planet IS this? Rock grabs the bottom rope. Hold broken - Benoit back to stomping, right,
into the ropes, reversed, Rock hits a forearm
shiver and both men are down. Benoit up first - stomp. Into the corner,
sternum first - Benoit grabs him in a waistlock as he backs up - German
suplex - holding on for two - Rock elbows out of the third attempt, Benoit
tries to grab onto the arm and hook in the Crippler crossface, but Rock
punches out of it - spun around, Rock Bottom! Both men are down again.
White puts on the count, despite the fact that Ross says we won't get a
countout with these rules. Both men up at 8. Rock with
"Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, right, right, right, right,
right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT! Benoit comes back with a gutshot, chop, chop,
into the ropes, Rock reverses and catches Benoit in a spinebuster! Rock
going for the figure four! MAN that's an ugly figure four - Benoit
screaming, but he won't give up. Stephanie up on the apron to draw over
White, while behind his back Triple H comes in and grabs a tapping Benoit,
pulling him to the bottom rope. White turns around, sees the rope being
held, and breaks the hold. Rock is up, over to the apron and decks Triple
H with a right hand. He turns back around...and falls into the Crippler
crossface! Vince goes into wild gesticulations telling the timekeeper to
ring the bell, then forcing Garcia to proclaim
the winner. (6:50) Triple
H gets in the ring and he and Benoit doubleteam
the Rock - until the Rock manages to block a punch and make a superhuman
comeback. Vince gets in the ring...then thinks better of it and slides
out. As he starts back up the ramp, we look behind him to see
JERICHO making his way down. McMahon, cornered,
backs up - and Rock picks
him up and brings him into the ring...but Triple H unloads on Rock from
behind before Vince can get over the top rope. Jericho slides in and it's
a Pier Four brawl. Jericho gets Triple H in the Walls of Jericho, while
Rock hits Rock Bottom on Benoit. Hey, Triple H, tapping out won't help
you, I think. Now X-PAC & ROAD
are out...now THOSE DAMN
out with a table - it's a Pier EIGHT brawl - the Dudleyz take out DX and
follow outside - now Benoit and Jericho are out - H and Rock trading
punches - getting closer to the table - now H battles back and they move
away from the table - now Rock getting the upper hand and they're moving
BACK towards the table - man, they're milking this crowd somethin' fierce -
gutshot by Triple H - Rock ducks a punch and catches him in Rock Bottom
through the table! Play his music! Give us a replay! Put up the credits
and WWF logo! Now switch to MTV!
So, I did switch to MTV. The video was actually on around 11:10, and over before 11:15, so if you switched to it then, you were pretty well screwed. I kinda liked the "DX in the limo" clips better, but maybe that's just me. I'm guessing the Hardyz were the guys jumping off high places for no apparent reason. Also, the guy who I'm assuming is the Connecticut Yankee singer (and relative of Triple H?) gets a lot of screen time. Anyway....well, there's your capsule review. Terribly unhelpful, I know. See you Thursday!