QUICK QUOTE: WWFE 16 3/4 (- 3/8)

TONIGHT: It's a Canadian affair - McMahons and Triple H, eh? The Rock, eh? The Undertaker, eh? All this and MOLSON! Stay tuned!

Hey, didn't I see this highlight package on Thursday? Well, except for these SmackDown! clips tacked onto the end

Hey, shouldn't I see a short tribute to the sacrifices made by our men in uniform to ensure our freedom to watch pro wrestling on Monday nights? Hey, guys! It's MEMORIAL DAY!

Opening Credits have been retooled again - Undertaker on his bike, Tori's table jump, Chyna's bazooka - remind me to have enough free time some week to frame by frame it for you like I am obsessed with doing for Thunder

PYRO AND SIGNS, EH? It's the General Motor Place in Vancouver, BC (could Ross try any harder to slur the name of this arena?) 29.5.2K and tonight on USA & TSN (if they couldn't find something to pre-empt it) - RAW - is - WAR!

Coming up: Kid Rock! But for now, THE GHOST RIDER makes his way to the ring with an entrance brought to you by Kid Rock's CD (available tomorrow) on a Beautiful Titan Bike (and if it isn't, you can damn well bet I ain't throwing away THAT joke on a technicality). He's got THE STICK - but just as he starts to speak, the HOLLYWOOD SQUARES appear as "My Time" plays over the PA. Tonight, King of the Ring Qualifying - Shane McMahon vs. Rikishi! Oh boy! And Kid Rock! KID ROCK! Crowd chants "ass hole" - did Dogg try to touch his bike? "You know, I'd like to - come out here and be the first guy to express to you just how great it is...[ass hole]...I'd like to express just how great it is to have the One True American Badass back in the World Wrestling Federation! Welcome home, Undertaker - welcome home! And I mean, as happy as all of they are that you're back, nobody is happier than me. I really mean that, because, after all, you've been back just a short period of time, and hell, you've already done me a huge favour. You see, 'cause at Judgment Day I was gonna kick the Rock's ass and become the World Wrestling Federation again...but you, my friend, you saved me the effort. I didn't have to do my job myself because you did it for me. [Rock E] That's right - Rocky - the man that the Undertaker defeated to put the World Wrestling Federation title back where it belongs - around my waist. And Rock, I mean 'taker, I'll tell ya, being the kind of man that I am, it's really been bugging me, I mean I haven't been able to sleep at night knowing that I never got to personally thank you for what you did, and I know you're out here right now to take credit for yourself and blow your own horn, 'cause quite frankly, that's what you do, but let me do it for ya. I am out here to publicly thank you for what you did for me and for all the people - Undertaker, thank you very much." They all clap. Undertaker's mic isn't working at the start - what's he call him, "little frisbee?" "...you need to thank me for not coming down right now and kicking all your ass. But there's one thing we do need to get straight, and we'll get it straight right now. I don't do anything for anybody except myself. Now any chance from this day forward that I get a chance to slap a night on any one of you assholes, I'm gonna take it. And there's one more thing there, fancy pants. That belt - yeah, that belt that's on your shoulder - it belongs to ME." "I'll tell you what, you have been gone quite a while, haven't ya? But let me fill you in on what's happened since you've been gone. You see, things have changed, and now, when you run your mouth around here, we close it. The only way you're gettin' close to this belt, pal, is when I shove it down your throat." The Nine surround the ring...but before it gets good, LA ROCA is out to add HIS two bits. But before HE talks, Vince gives us some "whoa. Yeah. I got it now. Boy, this is a real simple picture to see. I see this is what's known as the buddy system, I guess, huh? Yeah, that's what's known as the buddy system - what we have here is we have the Undertaker on Monday night, coming to the rescue SHUT UP! We have the Undertaker coming to the rescue of the Rock on Monday night (that, of course, was after we screwed him out of the title, heh heh heh). And then, on Thursday, we have the Rock coming to the rescue of the Undertaker before the Faction kicked his ass. So, it's obvious to me this is a deal whereby the Undertaker scratches your back; and Rock, you scratch his...right? Is that what we got?" "Rock E!" "No, Vince, this thing between the Rock...Vince, this thing between the Rock and the Undertaker isn't a case of 'you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.' It's more along the lines of 'Shane scratches his ass, Triple H kisses your ass, and you sniff a monkey's ass!' And make no mistake about it, anytime the Rock has a chance to get his hands on you, Road Dogg, Triple H, Shane, it becomes a good day, and it becomes an even better day when the Rock can make change out of that two dollar walkin' slut, Stephanie!" "Slut! Slut! Slut!" "'cause the fact of the matter is this, Vince - is one way or the other, the Rock will do all he can to one day once again become WWF...Champion." "Oh, okay, I got it. What we have here is two individuals with common enemies - the McMahon-Helmsley Faction. We have two indiviuals with common goals - they both want to be the WWF Champion. So therefore, tonight, in Vancouver In That Very Ring...

Hey, look! It's Kid Rock! And he can actually see the camera in front of him! "What are you lookin' at?" Obviously a fan of Saturn! Joe C. offers "I am American Shortass" as he holds a beer in one hand and his crotch in the other. Aww, that's cute.

SHAFT! Rat own!

Let Us Take You Back To Moments Ago - in case you were watching something else three minutes ago - not likely, but...hell, I dunno.

Joe C. is WALKING! After meeting and greeting the Acolytes, they happen to slip in a plug for the new album (out tomorrow) and Bradshaw tries one more time to get Joe C. to sing country.

THA GODFATHA (with eight - no, four ho's) & DEAN MALENKO & ERNEST MILLER v. D'LO BROWN & PERRY SATURN & TERRI - Kat is wearing a pink wig, while Godfather advertises smokin' weed on his vest. Terri is wearing an outfit which should guarantee that NONE of this match makes TSN. Brown and Malenko start, knee, right, kick, kick, right, Malenko comes back right, elbow, elbow, into the corner is reversed, Malenko puts up an elbow, hiptoss blocked, hipross hits, dropkick by Malenko, tag to Godfather, into the opposite corner, Godfather whips Malenko into Brown but he sidesteps it. Malenko halts his forward progress, then dropkicks Brown's back into a bodyslam, Godfather off the ropes with a useless spin and legdrop. Off the ropes, elbowdrop misses. Right by Brown, "you suck," tag to Saturn, who runs into a sidewalk slam. Right by Godfather, right, scoop - and a slam - off the ropes and THIS elbowdrop hits. Into the ropes, blind tag, gutshot by Saturn, leg lariat by Brown. "Wussup with that?" Right, kick, into the ropes, back elbow, tag to Saturn, open kick, exploder, tag to Terri - Godfather held for a slap, slap. Terri celebrates while, behind her back, Godfather crawls to his corner to tag Kat (even though mixed tag rules...aww, never mind.) Kat with a bulldog! Terri manages to tag Saturn - Kat turns to run to her corner, but Saturn catches her by the bottoms, giving her a VICIOUS wedgie in the process - Malenko runs in with a clothesline. Into the ropes, back elbow, double underhook, but Brown comes in with a shot from behind, now Godfather is in - all four men are brawling and crowd wants...puppies. Sigh. Into the ropes, but Brown hits an atomic drop - and Sky Hi! Godfather over to knock Brown outside - Saturn on top - Savage elbow! Malenko covered - 1, 2, 3. (3:33) Hey, and those were even the legal men! WOW!

Edge & Christian give instructions to Kevin Kelly. As Joe C. walks by, they request a Polaroid. He's happy to oblige. Christian strikes a "Dr. Evil" pose - then tells Joe C. that they really loved him in "Austin Powers." "You guys are dumbasses, I'm Joe C.!" Another Kid Rock plug - and Joe shrugs 'em off instead.

Kid Rock's "The History of Rock" comes out TOMORROW! TOMORROW! CD! TOMORROW!

Edge & Christian admire their Polaroid - more specifically, their teeth.

EDDIE GUERRERO (with That Slut Chyna) v. KURT ANGLE (American - and Canadian? - hero) for the European title - "Canada is lacking two things...it's true. Don't make me say it again. The first is Olympic heroes - and no, Ben Johnson does not count. So it is my duty as an American hero to represent all of you as well and become the NORTH American hero. The second thing that Canada is lacking is Memorial Day (which is today, by the way) - and we in the States celebrate our war heroes by having barbecues. And I realise here in Canada, you can't have barbecues because you'd probably be attacked by a moose or a caribou - or even a grizzly - it's true! Hold on a second - you'd probably be attacked by a grizzly as well. On second thought...the Grizzlies don't beat ANYBODY here in Vancouver, let alone anywhere else - it's true, it's true. So after I win the European championship here tonight, I will not only be the North American hero - I will also represent the great countries of Europe as well. Once again, your Olympic Hero is going global!" "US sux!" chant from the Canadians who paid to watch Americans working for an American company. Lockup, gobehind by Angle, takedown, reversal, everybody back up - takedown by Guerrero, La Magistral attempt is countered (!) for 2 by Angle. Guerrero runs into a powerslam for 2. Belly-to-back attempt, but Guerrero flips backwards, landing on his feet - HE hits the backdrop suplex on Angle following a forearm to the back. Outside, and back in with the trademark rolling senton over the top rope. To the side headlock, Angle to a top wristlock, and reversing to a headlock of his own. Guerrero powers out, off the ropes, up and over, head down, Angle drops down with a fireman's carry, but Guerrero lands on HIS feet - off the ropes, duck, Angle with a SWEET belly-to-belly overhead suplex. Waistlock - German suplex - 1, 2, no! Head to the buckle, right, right, right, right, Guerrero pokes the eyes, right, right, Angle with an arm wringer pulled into a back body drop, almost a Northern Lights suplex. Going for the crucifix but Guerrero knees out - dropkick - running at Angle, but he dumps him over the top rope to the floor. Angle with a baseball slide dropkick ...that hits Chyna! Pounding on Angle - and putting him back in. Right, right, Chyna on the apron as they exchange blows. Referee "Blind" Jack Doan trying to keep Chyna on the outside - and now, Angle ducks a looping right that ends up clocking Doan in the back of the head and putting HIM down. Angle putting Guerrero on top - climbing up for the superplex attempt - but Chyna is in from behind with a Golota! Guerrero leaps off with a huracanrana - Doan is over to count even though Angle's foot is under the bottom rope - 1, 2, 3! (3:27) Replay of the Golota and WICKED 'rana.

Joe C. is still WALKING! Edge & Christian appear again - they've been clued in, and to make up for it, they'd like to honour him with one of their world famous five second poses. But they'd like to be politically correct - is he a midget? A dwarf? "A gnome?" "No, an Ewok!" Joe tells them that after their match, they might be interested in (beep)ing themselves. Awww, that's cute.

Road Dogg is WALKING! If I had to guess, I'd say he was singing a Kid Rock song to himself (the CD is available tomorrow) - a door suspiciously slams near him and funny sounds emanate - Dogg checks on whoever's behind the door - and gets destroyed.

EDGE & CHRISTIAN v. TOO COOL for the tag team championship - I'm very disappointed that not ONCE have either of these guys asked Joe C. "where the Pussycats were." Eh? Eh? See, there was this show called "Josie..." oh forget it. "Greetings, fellow Canadians!" Big pop. "Now we realise, British Columbia, SO not the brightest province in the country - which is why we're gonna spell this out really clear for ya." "You see, Joe C. is an overrated midget rapper! So, for the benefit of those with flash photography, we have a brand new pose (for five seconds only) that will honour overrated midget rappers worldwide. We call this 'Kickin' It Joe C. style.'" They pull out bucket hats and place shoes on the mat - then place their knees in the shoes - and pose. Tonight, RAW is WAR is brought to you by Reebok Blacktop - get it at Foot Locker, FRAM! and Burger King! Haven't these guys wrestled like a MILLION times already?

What's that fat guy doing hanging out with that Britney Spears clone, anyway? Shouldn't he be fingering a cupcake?

Moments Ago - Another Angle - it's *still* a hockey stick all up in your area - now was a replay of the *dancing* really necessary?

In the dressing room, Vince samples the vegetable platter - then they let us know this bit was taped earlier because somebody rewinds it and we start over. Vince promises a big surprise for Undertaker and Rock later tonight. Then the lights go out...Stephanie screams a lot...and when they come back up, Vince is lying on the floor holding his head.

Rikishi - is - SQUATTING! And WALKING!

Meanwhile, Shane McMahon - is - WALKING!

Say, that segment was quite productive, eh?

Moments Ago, Ross says "the satellite problems have cleared up" - oh, come ON. Don't compound a BUSH LEAGUE technical problem with a LAME BULLSHIT excuse - just let it go, baby - just let it go. This is a slow, steady slide to THUNDERLAND, Ross.

SKIPPY (with RAW Credits & TV-14-DL ratings box) v. RIKISHI in a King of the Ring Qualifier - Subway presents King of the Ring 25 June! Feel it! I believe it was Douglas Adams who first noted that if we're *really* lucky, Shane will regale us with some of his crappy poetry first. "Oh Rikishi, I'm sure you've seen by now / Why I'm such an unbelievable thriller / And quite frankly,

Stephanie addresses...a mirror? No, T&A, Val Venis and Trish Stratus. She's disappointed that T&A couldn't get the job done last night on Heat - but she realises that the Hardyz probably weren't expected. So tonight, she's teaming up T&A with Venis to take on Jericho AND the Hardyz in six-man action. She warns them that this is their last chance to redeem themselves. After she leaves, Test, who has been making funny faces the whole time, shouts out "Bitch!" If you missed Heat, your head will probably explode, but let's just say they FINALLY remembered that Test was stood up at the altar last November.

Whoa - an A Perfect Circle ad? Huh, how 'bout that.

Moments Ago - Three Paragraphs Ago - chair - chair - Pedigree on the chair - bogus pinfall - couldn't they have used all this replay time to put another minute into the European title match?

CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO and HARDY BOYZ v. T&A & V (with Trish Stratus - the Fitness Model) - Let Us Take You Back to Heat and show you what happened the first time Stephanie tried to get T&A to take Jericho out. "Welcome to RAW is JERICHO! And Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, you seem to have devoted a lot of your time and a lot of your energy to-wards me over the last little while...is it possible, Stephy, that maybe you have a crush on Y2J? Well, Stephy, maybe if you'd comb out that rat's nest of a hairstyle of yours and buy a couple boxes of Clearasil...oh yeah, and stop being a filthy, dirty, disgusting, brutal, skanky, bottom-feeding, trashbag ho - maybe then you'll have a shot with the Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah!" Either because we're in Canada - or because ring announcer LILIAN GARCIA simply forgot the city - the Hardyz are just from "North Carolina" tonight. Venis and Jericho start - lockup, to the ropes as the crowd chants "Y2J" really, really loudly. In the corner, referee "Blind" Mike Chioda tries to force a break. Venis with a slap - Jericho slaps back, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, duck, big spinkick by Jericho, bulldog, chop, chop, chop, into the ropes is reversed, Albert from behind with a shot, Jericho hits him back but turns into a spinebuster from Venis. Venis opening up with rights. Stephanie watching on a monitor from the bag. Tag to Albert - Jericho put in the corner - press into a powerbomb. Uppercut, tag to Test - they put him in the opposite corner - do si do whip of Albert into Jericho - T&A high five with Jericho's head inbetween.

MICHAEL KING COLE stands with the Rock - how's he feel about the Road Dogg and Mr. McMahon being attacked tonight? "Yeah, the Rock hates when that happens." Cole suggests there must be at least a small part of him that's happy that he gets a shot at the Undertaker tonight. Rock says he is, but not because Undertaker cost him the title - it's only because, as he said, he wants to one day once again become the WWF Champion, if ya smell what the Rock is cookin'.

SHAFT! You're DAMN right

Hey, it's the Slam of the Week, brought to you by Snickers? Hungry during a replay? Grab a Snickers! From SmackDown!, Hardcore Holly managed to eke out a victory in the triple threat match...earning *this* upcoming shot at the intercontinental title...

HARDCORE HOLLY v. CHRIS BENOIT for the intercontinental championship - "Benoit - it coulda been SO easy. This whole thing coulda been settled if you'da just gave me a title shot. But no - you had to do it the hard way, didn't you? You gave one to Kurt Angle - you gave one to Val Venis - and God knows how many you gave to Chris Jericho. But I can understand why you didn't give me one...and that's because you're scared. Benoit, that's not a bad thing. There's no shame in bein' scared of Hardcore Holly. But you see, Benoit, you are a typical Canadian. [boos] You are a coward! And it's gonna be my pleasure to kick your ass in this worthless country of yours, and you're finally gonna get what you deserve! And as for myself, I'm finally gonna get what belongs to me." "Listen to you run your mouth off tonight - braggin' about what you're gonna do and how you're gonna do it - and you think that makes you a better match? You interfere in my matches - you hit me with a chair - you insult me...and my country - and you think that will help you find intercontinental gold? Bob...if you're trying to get my attention, good news - you got it. Now that you've got your big break, you'll be able to tell the whole world just how it feels making your biggest mistake." Benoit hits the ring and they immediately start mauling each other with punches. Eight for Holly, 13 for Benoit. Into the ropes is reversed, head down, kick, chop, into the ropes, knockdown. HUGE "US sux" chant. Clothesline by Benoit takes both men to the outside. Forearm by Benoit, kick by Holly, right, right, right, Benoit holds onto a whip attempt, arm wringer, sent into the ringpost. Holly back in the ring - sternum first into the corner - Benoit puts on the Crippler crossface, but they're too close to the ropes, and Holly holds on. Referee "Blind" Chad Patton forces the break. Benoit still on him, but Holly spears out of a whip - unleashing rights. Vertical suplex by Holly. 1, 2, no. Holly climbs - Benoit with a right to stop him. Now Benoit climbs the corner...to the top...SUPERPLEX!! Cover - 1, 2, shoulder up! Benoit with a right, chop, kick, kick, kick, Holly with a right, reversing position, open-handed slap, slap, slap, pounding on the back, blatant choke, into the opposite corner, Benoit gets a boot up - but runs into a powerslam. 1, 2, no. Holly putting him in position for the powerbomb - and hitting it. 2 count. Holly arguing Patton's cadence...but still maintaining the advantage, countering Benoit's suplex attempt with gutshots, then turning it into a backdrop suplex of his own. Cover, leg hooked - SOMEHOW Benoit slips out after 2. Dueling backslides...but Holly's trick knee acts up, much to the crowd's consternation. Holly outside and he's got a chair. Ross: "Well, this makes no sense." Patton and Holly each grabbing an end of the chair - CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO is out and HE'S got the chair - WHACK for Holly - aw hell. (DQ 4:18) I mean, sure, it's payback--but two wrongs don't make a right! Now *Benoit* is over with some words for Jericho - Holly grabs the chair and swings for the fences - fortunately, Jericho drops down and Benoit steps aside - Benoit to the back - got the chair - WHACK in the back. Holly rolls outside and takes off - Benoit runs after him -

KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands with the Undertaker. "I tell you, Kevin, I'm no expert, but ah...it looks like the McMahon-ah-Helmsley faction done pissed somebody off." Kelly turns his attention to the upcoming matchup with the Rock. "Well, of course, ah, you know, hey, I got no beef with the Rock. Hell, I kinda dig his stuff. But, uh - you know it's all about the World Wrestling Federation title. He wants it, I want it, so man gotta do what a man's gotta do." He walks off as Kelly gives us a reverent look of quiet awe.

Hey, how about an exterior shot of the General Motors Place?

Dogg couldn't see who beat HIM up, either. Vince says that it isn't enough that Rock and Undertaker beat each other's brains out tonight - they need something extra...

BULL BUCHANAN (with Big Boss Man) v. STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh - and Al Snow) in a King of the Ring Qualifier - Blackman runs at Buchanan, who sidesteps him and puts him in the corner hard. Right, right, right, right, right, left, right, right, left, into the ropes, duck, roundhouse ducked, clothesline ducked, Blackman's kick hits. Snap suplex. Blackman outside - to the top (!) - missile dropkick! 1, no. Into the ropes but Buchanan holds onto it, short clothesline, stomp, stomp, head to the buckle, into the ropes, back elbow, scoop - and a slam. Buchanan off the ropes with an elbowdrop for 2. Kid Rock later tonight! Buchanan raking the face - with authority! Right, into the ropes, big boot, Buchanan puts Blackman outside, where Boss Man is happy to give him a kick for luck. Buchanan outside with a sledge - back in the ring we go. Blackman makes a comeback with a kick, right, right, right, kick, right, Buchanan with a right, head to the buckle, blatant choke, kick, kick, kick, kick, into the opposite corner - charging and missing - Blackman with a right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Blackman hits his missile shoulderblock! Stomp, into the ropes, head down, kick by Buchanan, kick, right by Buchanan, kick by Blackman, DDT - Snow with a hand signal - Blackman on the second rope - but the headbutt misses. Buchanan with a scissors kick - see ya. (3:22) Snow hits the ring - and Boss Man gives him the giant nightstick. Geez, just as bad as SmackDown! Buchanan holds up Blackman for a nightstick talk and badmouth - to the abs - Blackman manages to steal the nightstick away, kick Boss Man, nighsticker for Buchanan, then for Boss Man as Snow kicks Buchanan out of the ring. Hmmm, they finally got something back!

Backstage, Pat Patterson expounds on the joys of bringing coffee - too bad he walked by that sinister door - where he was grabbed from behind and thrashed soundly.

Hey, it's Kid Rock and his entourage - guess HE didn't do it - they're busy WALKING!

Yeah, yeah, Kid Rock CD out tomorrow - we know. Kid Rock "kicks it" - NEXT! Wow, even Best Buy sneaks in a Kid Rock ad! Thanks, Best Buy!

Big Show eats ravioli! WOW!

CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO gets the honours. "All right! Right here - right now - I would like to introduce to you - performing his brand new single 'American Badass' from the brand new CD 'History

The Undertaker is WALKING!

Time now for the WWF Rewind - brought to you by the Lorilar Company's Youth Smoking Prevention Program - that's the "Tobacco is Whacko" one, yeah - from SmackDown!, Undertaker tries to run over Vince McMahon with his motorcycle.

Backstage, Edge & Christian have gotten their hands on Joe C. They want some revenge from him costing them the tag team titles - so they place him in a garbage can and put the lid on top. Then....they edit out the bit where they let him out of the can (oops, I guess I know THE SECRET) and pick up in a cut to Christian grabbing a chair and denting the side of it with the side of the chair! Whack to the top of the can - then they take the can and ram the cement wall with it, dropping the can into a nearby dumpster. Sounds of Joe C. tapping a garbage can give the illusion that he's still in there.

UNDERTAKER (with one more Kid Rock promo) v. LA ROCA - Over 17K in attendance, and don't you forget it. Hey, you don't suppose there'll be a special guest referee tonight...DO YA? "No Chance in Hell" fires up as soon as both men are in the ring and out strides BILLIONAIRE VINCE. "All right...before you two beat the hell out of each other, which, quite frankly, I'm going to enjoy...before you two beat the hell out of each other, I want to know one thing - which one of you was the gutless one that attacked Road Dogg, Patterson and me from behind, and ran like a thief? Which one of you is gutless - it was you, wasn't it Rock? It was you?" Rock pantomimes "It wasn't the Rock - ask the Undertaker." "Ohh. Then it was you, Undertaker! You weren't man enough to come one on one - you had to attack from behind? Hah?" Undertaker mouths "It wasn't me, asshole." Crowd chants "Austin" - keep dreaming. "Oh...so wait a minute - Rock denies it and you deny it. So one lies and the other one swears to it. Okay. Just for that I'm gonna fix both of your asses. Now then, since you won't 'fess up - you don't have the guts to 'fess up - now then, this match will be a lumberjack match." "My Time" plays and out comes the rest of the HOLLYWOOD SQUARES, T&A (with Trish Stratus - the fitness model), BIG BOSS MAN & BULL BUCHANAN. Undertaker finally removes his sunglasses -