BLATANT PLUG: Hey, if you like watching television shows that AREN'T wrestling, you might be interested in visiting mightybigtv.com. They're good people.

QUICK QUOTE: WWFE 17 5/8 (+ 7/8)

TONIGHT: Another night, another city, another sellout crowd, another appearance by members of the McMahon-Helmsley Faction, another Undertaker cycle ride, and another pyrotechnic display by Kane! Just take it on faith there'll be some matches, 'cause we ain't sharin' with ya in THIS promo!

Hey, a little bonus for us tonight - HOT FICTIONAL KICKBOXING ACTION! My money's on the guy that's got WALKER, TEJAS RANGER in his corner! Most likely, after falling behind...and finding himself in slow-motion, desperately needing to reach deep down within himself...

Oh, sure enough.

You know what would have helped this guy win quicker? If only he'd gone OVER THE TOP!!

Hey, what kinda crazy world has live kickboxing simulcast on AM radio, anyway?

Oh, wait, here comes .... umm... that guy! You know, the black guy! He's got the information that'll bust this case WIDE open! Oh...I don't like the looks of this...kick him, Walker! KICK HIM!!

Eh, nuts to this. I'm fast forwarding!

Whoops, I STILL want to hear Chuck singing the theme song, though...ahhhhhh. "'Cause that's where the Rangers' gonna be." *sniff* I still get chills hearing it...

LAST THURSDAY: Vince gulped

The Three Musketeers are WALKING! MICHAEL KING COLE catches up to this pack and tries to ask Mr. McMahon how Triple H feels about having to face not one but three #1 Contenders. "What? Do you think I CARE how Triple H feels? Had it not been for Triple H's *ego,* maybe we wouldn't be in this mess, and besides...if people'd just start listening to ME around here, we won't have these kinda problems." Vince starts off...then pauses to ask why he's carrying his own bag. Brisco dutifully takes the bag...hey, wait, that's a champion carrying the bag!

Opening credits

PYRO! SIGNS! WE ARE LIVE from the Unnamed Arena in Parts Unknown (but presumed to be Rochester, NY) 5.6.2K on USA and possibly TSN - tonight - RAW - IS - ...

THE NEW MAN & STEPHANIE ONO are ready to rumble, or words to that effect. Triple H *does* have the belt back, at least. Ross may be the first commentator for months to note aloud that Stephanie never defends the Women's Championship. "Ass Hole" chant starts right up - this IS New York, after all - and it's time to hear from the Champ. "I'm gonna say this once...keep it shut! Y'know, never before in the history of the World Wrestling Federation has this Championship belt meant so much to so many. NEVER has this belt been so hotly contested. And you can't blame people, I mean... ["Rock E!"] ...you can't blame everybody for wantin' a shot at it, I mean - hell, if you get this, that means you beat the very best that there is...and that's a hell of a claim. To be the best, because that's what it's all about, and this championship belt right here means that you are absolutely THE undisputed best that there is. And never before have so many people wanted to be the absolute best. I mean, look at it like this: right now, as of this moment, there are three #1 Contenders. You've got...Kane. You've got the Undertaker. And of course, you've got the Rock. Three of the very best EVER in the World Wrestling Federation. And the common thread between the three is...they all have a dream, and that dream is to stand in this ring and to be able to lay claim... ["Slut!"] ...that dream between the three of them is to stand in this ring and to be able to lay claim to beating The Game and becoming the World Wrestling Federation champion. Well, the competition might be fierce, but rest assure, I thrive on it. The hotter it gets...the more I love it. You see, because competition turns me on. But I'll tell ya what turns me off - that's egos. Big, huge, inflated egos. Nothing bothers me more. Now I've heard it said a few times by a couple of different people that maybe I have a big ego. But the way I see it, I mean, realistically, hell, I should - as a matter of fact, I should - as good as I am, I should have the biggest ego on the planet! Hell, after all I am that damn good. But the fact of the matter is, I don't, because the claim to the biggest ego on this planet is reserved for just one man...and maybe you know who he is. He likes to tell you how big his grapefruits are, and he just happens to be the Chairman of the World Wrestling Federation. Steph, he just happens to be your dad. The problem is, your old man's ego is so big it's becoming a problem now. You see, I'm beginning to think that where we were three or four months ago, the way we were thinking about taking over...maybe that wasn't such a bad idea after all--" "No Chance in Hell" starts up and out comes a not-altogether-pleased-yet-still-oh-so-slightly-swaggering BILLIONAIRE VINCE. "Hello, Dad!" Vince swipes the mic from Triple H - then pauses for an "Ass Hole" chant. "Do you hear what they're calling you? Well, you know, I believe in the law of the jungle, literally. I believe that one day the bigger, stronger, smaller will eat the weaker, less fortunate, and that's the law of nature. I believe in that law. But if you're thinking that maybe it's Your Time, Triple H - wrong! Think again. Because, quite frankly, hearing you 'put yourself over' as to how good you are, and you know what? You are pretty damn good - no question about it. But the best thing I think you've ever done for your career - two things. One, enter the World Wrestling Federation under my tutelage, my guidance; and, without a doubt, the single biggest accomplishment you have ever made in this business and in life is marrying my daughter Stephanie. All I'm saying, Triple H, is don't get ahead of yourself, your time may come, it may not - but just remember...I made you - I can break you." Triple H swipes the mic back. "You made me, huh? Well, just remember this, Dr. Frankenstein - you might have made the monster, but the monster can take over any time he wants. And just remember this: it was only a short time ago - December, I believe, at Armageddon - when I was kickin' your ass all over these arenas." Vince goes to grab the mic but Triple H shoves him in the puss. "I'm not done." Vince takes off his jacket to a rising cheer. "Oh ho, you wanna go? Hold this. You wanna go, old man? You wana go, huh?

SHAFT! Right on...

Moments Ago, the McMahons and Helmsleys had a bitchslapping contest

TOO COOL & RIKISHI v. V & T & A (THE VALLEY TRANSIT AUTHORITY?) (with Trish Stratus - the fitness model) in six man action - Let Us Take You Back to Heat, where Val Venis advanced in the KOR against Al Snow. Hotty and Test startup - lockup, to the corner, Test wailing away with rights, into the ropes, Scottty slides under and HE hits some rights.

The WWF Rewind is brought to you by the Lorillard Tobacco Companies Youth Smoking Prevention program! From SmackDown! Thursday, Benoit manages to counter Sky-Hi to defend his title against D'Lo Brown.

Backstage, the six members of the McMahon-Helmsley Faction make up with apologies - and a group hug. Hey, where are Pat Patterson's arms? By a shocking coincidence, Gerald Brisco just HAPPENS to slam a door right into a charging Crash Holly and chair.

KOR QUALIFYING MATCH: ROAD DOGG (with X-Pac and Tori - and "The Kings") v. CHRIS BENOIT - "Cut the music!" Benoit's music IMMEDIATELY starts up. Ross: "Sounds like cut the promo!" Lawler: "Whatever happened to manners here in the World Wrestling Federation ? I wanted to hear what Road Dogg had to say!" Ross: "He'll tell you later - something about two tears in a bucket or something along those lines." Feeling out process to start - Dogg happens to catch the eye of referee "Blind" Jack Doan so X-Pac trips up Benoit by the ankle. Dogg stomps away, right, Benoit punches back - into the ropes is reversed, Benoit ducks the clothesline, then baseball slide dropkicks X-Pac. Dogg outside with a double axehandle, sledge, back in the ring. Block, right by Benoit, right, right, into the ropes, Dogg ducks the lariat, left, left, left, juke, jive, right misses, Benoit chops him down. Another big chop. Into the ropes, back elbow. Snap suplex. That's it, he say. Benoit goes up top - Tori climbs the apron, drawing Doan over - yup, X-Pac is up to crotch Benoit on the top rope. Now THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ are out. Dogg gives Buh-Buh Ray a shot on the apron, but now his back is to Benoit - one German suplex (mit bridge) later, and Benoit moves on. (1:43) Post-match, Tori checks on Dogg - Buh-Buh Ray FINALLY grabs Torri and while he's got her by the hair, D-Von is out to find some furniture. The table is set up out on the floor and Buh-Buh Ray has Tori in the position...but X-Pac manages a save at the last minute, with a Golota. They run off while Buh-Buh Ray holds his Little Dick Dudley.

Michael King Cole asks Brisco how his relationship with Patterson has been affected now that he has a belt and Patterson doesn't. Brisco says if there's a man he can trust, Pat is it. We see Crash Holly scheming and plotting. Unfortunately, he misses Patterson trying on the belt (while Brisco tries on Patterson's snapping new cap) and miswaffles the wrong Stooge from behind the curtain.

KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands with Kane and openly mocks him by using a lotta big words. "In this match, there are no allies. And when it comes to the WWF Championship, (hair flick) I don't have a brother."

CRASH HOLLY (with Scale Holly) hits the ring and demands the mic. He seems unhappy. "Brisco! Get your big fat rear end - I promised my mom I wouldn't be upset, I wouldn't get upset, so - Mr. Brisco, get out here and wrestle me right now!" Instead, PAT PATTERSON emerges from behind the curtain. "This mic is not workin', is it? Listen, ya little squirt - you want the hardcore champion? Well let me bring 'im to you! Direct from...direct from the Brisco's Body Shop in Taimpa, Florida (and folks, it's worth the trip) here comes the best hardcore champion of all time, GERALD BRISCO!" Did Patterson almost forget his lines? Brisco comes out to "Real American," flexing all the way down. Holly leaves the ring to come after him - Brisco turns around and tries to run away. Holly catches him - shot to the back - run to the ring, off the mat, Crash covers on the floor...but unfortunately, referee "Blind" Jim Korderas is out of position. Brisco hops off and tries to climb the barricade - Crash catches him again - head to the ringpost. Brisco put in the ring. Holly outside for plundah - various and sundry items introduced into the ring. Brisco readies the fire extinguisher as Holly comes back in. Good faceful of the CO2 - Brisco goes into a war dance and breaks a broomstick on Crash's back. Shouldn't have celebrated, though - Crash with the trashcan lid. Crash outside, got a chair, and positioned it back in the ring. Brisco's head run into the opposite turnbuckle, kick, kick, right, right, right, Patterson is back out and HE gets a shot, and a few stomps - Brisco tries a charge from the blindside but Holly steps aside and runs Brisco into the chair he'd previously set up. Holly has Patterson's drawers (which Patterson apparently brought to the ring with him - oh my) and now Brisco's got the skid mark in the face. And....now he's wearing them. Right hand by Holly. Head to the buckle. Holly with a stop sign, but Brisco gets the shoes up and Holly's charge stops short. That's a full stop, yeah. Brisco covers - Patterson piles on - 1, 2, 3. (2:26) What the HELL did we just see? Crowd is reverently silent...well, they didn't chant "Boring," I guess.

Michael King Cole tries to get a reaction from Undertaker about Kane's comments about having no brother. "Kane said that - (spit) - well Kane's damn right." Man, Undertaker has some PRETTY hair! Kevin Nash is in BIG TROUBLE!

Meanwhile, Rock - is - WALKING!

Whoa, haven't seen WCW turn the tables in a LONG while, but sure enough, they snuck in a Great American Bash promo in the local slot

THE NEW MAN comes out to join our commentators, a pair of kings - LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER...and possibly to provide a run-in later in this upcoming match

KANE (with RAW credits) v. KID ROCK'S FATHER (with TV-14-DLV ratings box & Kid Rock's CD cover)

Hey, is that Jean-Claude Van Damme...or Chris Gaines?

Big Show eats some - RAVIOLI!

Moments Ago, this happened - and that - and wow, that too

THA GODFATHA & DEAN MALENKO (with eight - no, FOUR women) v. EDDIE GUERRERO & THAT SLUT CHYNA - Didn't we see this match three or four times already? Let Us Take You Back to Heat One More Time Where The Ubiquitous Lead Pipe Gave Chyna The Duke In The KOR Qualifier - Godfather and Guerrero battling as we come back to live action - it's all Godfather - there's that legdrop where he has to spin around first - goo-FEE. Malenko holding Guerrero in his corner while Godfather warms up his Ho Train - but too close to Chyna, who pulls him down by the hair. Guerrero with a back elbow to escape Malenko, but running into a clotheslinen from Godfather. Stomp, tag. Stomp, forearm, off the ropes, taking Guerrero up for a deep armdrag, Guerrero attempting to hold on a counter, body scissors, wheelbarrow suplex by Malenko. Stomp, into the ropes, Guerrero snaps off his 'rana (and accidentally gets kicked in the head for his troubles). Subway brings the Double Feature as Chyna is tagged in. Malenko ducks the clothesline, gutshot, double underhook, Chyna counters, gutshot, double leg by Malenko, setting up the Tejas cloverleaf, but he breaks it, seeing Guerrero com in - tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Back around and into a clothesline from Chyna. Kicks in the corner, to the opposite corner, handspring elbow, Guerrero with an apron clothesline, tagged in, rolling senton(tm), dropkick for the Godfather, Malenko to the head, into the ropes, head down, kick by Guerrero, dueling hiptosses off the ropes and Guerrero ends up over the top to the floor...and into a pile of ho's. Godfather breaks it up...AND Chyna is over to ask her man wassup. Before THAT develops, Malenko has him back in the ring by the hair. Suplex into the ring is countered, go behind, waistlock reversal, two back elbows from Guerrero, off the ropes, Malenko tries the tilt-a-whirl again, but Guerrero holds on for an inside cradle (whacking Malenko's head on the way down in the process) - 1, 2, 3! (2:54) Guerrero begs for forgiveness - and gets it. Hardcore Holly and Faarooq are NEXT!

Meanwhile, Edge, Christian and Kurt Angle are WALKING!! "I know you guys are really upset, and I'm sorry that midget hit you in the genitals and cost you the tag team titles, but if we defeat Chris Jericho and the Dudley Boyz tonight, if we are successful - I got good word (yeah?), I got excellent authority (yeah?), I mean, there is no doubt about this guys (uh huh?) that we will have defended the honour of Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley. (D'oh! And?) And I'm sure she'll be in a pretty good mood and she'll give you guys another tag team title shot. (Ahhh! Excellent!) You know I beat Bradshaw last week!"

RC Edge Maximum Power cola delivers Maximum Power! Joe C. delivers a shot to the nuts with a hockey stick.

EDGE & CHRISTIAN & KURT ANGLE v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO & THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ - Ring announcer LILIAN GARCIA announces Edge & Christian as the WWF tag team champions. Ross, in a shocking display of awareness, corrects her by saying they're the *former* champions. "Attention, citizens of Rochester! This city is SO known for three things - it's home of the best chili dog in New York, (three years in a row) - it's home of the Rochester...well I don't know what team plays here, or even what sport they play, but I'm sure they're pretty good. And third, and most important, it's the home of Kodak film!" Crowd pretty much ignores all this trying to get some chick to show her tits. "You know, Your Olympic Hero finds it very ironic that the Kodak moment originated in a town with such...unattractive people - it's true! It's true." "So, for the benefit of those with flash photography - or, in this town's case, for the benefit of those with teeth - we will give you a TRUE Kodak moment - for five seconds only!" All three men spread their arms wide and flash winning smiles. No mic time for Jericho - instead he raises the sign of 3D - and the Dudley Boyz come out together with him.

Moments Ago, Kurt Angle was put through a table. Can we PLEASE get away from using the word "orgasmic" in the associated commentary?

RAW is WAR is brought to you by Castrol (buy some and get the "Best of SummerSlam video!), Norelco, and Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli!

HARDY BOYZ v. BULL BUCHANAN & BIG BOSS MAN - Lilian Garcia manages to make it through the introductions without identifying either team as the current WWF tag team champions. Somebody will ask me why Buchanan & Boss Man are on this late in the show and I'll respond "because the Hardyz wrestling themselves may draw attention away from the big main event coming up." Jeff and Boss Man start. Lockup, Bossman with uppercuts. Big ol' rights. Into the ropes, Hardy ducks and slides under to the outside, Boss Man follows. Hardy with a blind tag on his way back in - Matt attacks from behind, into the corner, all fours side kick by Jeff, Buchanan in with a clothesline for Matt behind referee "Blind" Tim White's back. Right, right, left, right, left, into the ropes, big boot, off the ropes, stomp, tagging Boss Man back in - into the ropes, double back elbow. Boss Man covers - kickout at 2. Kneelift. Boss Man working over Matt as we look backstage to see Lita watching on a monitor - with a concerned look on her face. Matt whipped hard into the corner. Stomp on the hand. Tag to Buchanan. Head to the buckle. Buchanan scoops up Matt - backbreaker across the knee - scissored legdrop misses - tag to Jeff - top rope - crossbody hits but Boss Man is on his way over - drop toehold for HIM, elbowdrop to the back by Matt, Jeff on Buchanan with a Ten Punch Count Along, but at six Buchanan dumps him over the top to the floor. Meanwhile, Matt is trying to hit the Twist of Fate on the Boss Man, but he shoves him into a clothesline of Buchanan - Matt sidesteps the folowup charge and the tag team partners collide in the corner. Matt punches Boss Man through the rope as Buchanan collapses into position for Jeff to come back in and hit the swanton bomb - 1, 2, 3! BOTH MEN WERE LEGAL!!!!!! THIS IS THE GREATEST SHOW IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lita gives a "yeah" backstage. SHE knows who the legal men were. (2:40) Buchanan gives Boss Man a shove post match - words are exchanged. ANOTHER shove by Buchanan. Boss Man waits for him to turn to walk away - and then he BRAINS him with the nightstick! I do believe we have trouble in paradise.

Michael King Cole stands with Triple H - and almost misses his cue! Ahh, Stephanie's with him, too. Cole reminds him that asking the Faction to stay back didn't work on Thursday; did he mean it tonight? H says he never says anything he doesn't mean - then he repeats all the stuff he said before the break. Cole breaks that there's a special guest referee in this match tonight. "Who's the special referee?" "Earl Hebner." Pause. H says it won't matter; all he'll have to do is count three. Cole asks Stephanie for a quick word as they take off. Triple H is possibly the fightingest champion in the history of the WWF, while she's NEVER defended HER belt. "Who the hell are you to tell me when and whom I should defend my title against? Besides, Triple H is going to face the #1 Contender tonight - I don't HAVE a #1 Contender!" Cole tries to bring up some viable possibilities, but he's interrupted by IVORY and JACQUELINE who each make little yapping noises until Stephanie schedules a Women's Battle Royale for SmackDown! - with the winner to be named #1 Contender and ALSO receive a title shot later that night.

Hey look! The Rock is PACING AROUND!!

You know, I was PRAYING there was one more set of ads before this main event! Well, at least I got two see two more ads for "Shaft."

WWF CHAMPIONSHIP: LA ROCA v. THE NEW MAN (with Stephanie Ono) - Challenger enters first - ohhhhhhhhhhh ohhh oh ohhhhh oh. Seriously though, the WWF is damned if they do and damned if they don't here. If they DO actually have this match complete with clean finish, I'd be well within my rights to bitch at them for giving this potential WrestleMania main event away for free; on the other hand, any kinda screwy finish pretty much deserves some general bitching as well. Rock brings in H over the top rope by the hair in mid-pose and we're on. Clothesline, HARD right (mistake?), right, out of the corner is reversed, Rock with a clothesline, right, right, into the opposite corner is reversed and H flies over the top to the floor. Rock is out after him. Right, right, head to the STEEL steps, head to the commentator's table, head to the ringpost, Rock pulls the top off the table and forcibly removes a monitor. Rock with a right, H on the table, H with a right, right, off the table but he's caught on the way down - H elbows out of the Rock Bottom attempt, but gets backdropped onto the table as he charges him. Rock is over - head to the tabletop, again, legs spread, punch in the jimmy, H rolls off to the floor. H put in the barricade - clothesline ducked, H manages a neckbreaker. H rolls into the ring - and as referee "Blind" Earl Hebner goes back in, HE rolls back out. Rock put shoulder-first into the STEEL steps. H back into the ring - and back out again. Off the apron with a sledge to the head. Rock rolled back in the ring, and H follows. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, H stands on the neck and Hebner ignores putting on a count and instead pulls H off of Rock by the hair. Words exchanged between the champ and the referee. H turns back to the Rock and finds that he's let him recover - right by the Rock, right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, duck, high knee by H, clothesline by H, cover, 1, 2, no! H mounts Rock and throws four right hands.

WWF logo.

Hey, how come they haven't released the "Farm Club Jam" as a single yet? "It's the mutha(mute) Farm Club!"