/26 June 2000
WWF RAW is WAR
WWFE 17 (-
I GET LETTERS: Deez wrote: Yo CRZ,
Love the recaps every Monday, better than watching sometime. I don't ever send email because a) I'm not a mark for either Fed, b) most of the e-mails I see to you are people bitching about the booking etc. for shows they watched. Well I'm not a booker, or a 'sports entertainer' (a la idiot savant Vince Russo), so I just shut up and try to enjoy the shows for what they are worth. I had to send this suggestion to you, however, because I think we share the same sentiments about a certain 'sports entertainer' (notice I do NOT say wrestler) -- La Roca. I have a great suggestion for your Raw & Smackdown(ha!) recaps. Why not give the Crock's punch/ wrestling move ratio?? I had sucked down about 8 Coors Lights watching the NBA Finals by the time his match came on, but I roughly counted about 24 (including two of his deadly 'I'm gonna spit on my fist and it will knock you down' punches) out of 28 'moves'. So this equates to a ratio of about 86%. Just a suggestion, dude. I think it would be really funny, and I think the email you would get back from dumbass Rock marks (a.k.a 75% of the WWF's viewing audience) would be absolutely a riot.
I can't TELL you how many encouraging emails I got from Rock-haters. On the other hand, I can't TELL you how many *annoying* emails I got from Rock-lovers. Suffice to say I'm not too worried about the ramifications of not changing my own damn opinion - as if I ever was, eh?
TONIGHT: A coronation is in order! We have a new WWF Champion! What's up with the Faction? All this and more - ten minutes of "Walker" between now and then!
Hmm...Walker vs. the Klan...now I'm not a betting man, but I think I'd have to go with......Walker. After all, NOBODY throws those slow-mo blows like he does.
Whoa! The WOMAN got in a shot too!
'course, that old coot just STOOD AROUND and did NUTHIN' - like ALWAYS
TV-14-DLV One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Opening Credits - close captioned (well, this show - not these credits)
AHHH! PYRO SURROUNDS ME from the Centrum in Worcester, MA 26.6.2K were USA Network presents LIVE WWF action - meanwhile, another crowd is gathered at WWF New York. Tonight, no matter WHERE you are...RAW...IS...WAR!
Let's waste no time - we have a new WWF Champion and let's bring him out... it's LA ROCA. Five-time champion. Boy, doesn't THAT seem wrong? I'll bet he starts out with "Finally, the Rock" and ends with a pause and "...champion." "Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK to Wooooster! And finally, all the games are over, because once again, FINALLY, the Rock is the WWF...Champion." That's it, I'm outta here. "Vince McMahon, you still have a lot to be thankful for. You're still the owner of this multimillion dollar company. You are still the owner of a beautiful house. You are still the owner of luxurious cars. And you are still the owner of the best penis implany money can buy. But even after last night, Vince, as we stood in the middle of the ring and the Rock put his foot on your chest, it became crystal clear that the Rock OWNS the WWF title, and the Rock also OWNS your candyass! The Rock realises, Vince, you're not gonna take this lying down. 'cause it wouldn't be a Monday Night RAW if you didn't come out here and run your mouth at the Rock, so the Rock says this: just bring it, because the McMahon-Helmsley Faction is over, and the Rock's Era has just begun!" Now making his way to the ring, BILLIONAIRE VINCE. Vince asks for the microphone - Rock actually deigns to give it to him. "First of all, allow me to congratulate you on once again becoming World Wrestling Federation champion. Furthermore, allow me to wish you good luck in the new Rock Era. Why would a man like me say something like that? I'll tell you. ["ass hole"] That's not the reason. That's not the reason at all. Because last night, at the King of the Ring, as I lay on my back in the middle of the ring, looking up at the lights in the Fleet Center - the pain and discomfort of the Rock Bottom finally relinquishing its grip on me - it was there last night that I had an epiphany - it was there last night in that flash of clarity. I knew then - I knew all about the questions - questions about my wife (Linda) - why? And that - in that one moment - why would my wife - why would my wife had been so kind to so many of my adversaries? Why would my wife make business decisions that she knew I wouldn't like? Why would my wife have the temerity to stand up face-to-face to me, risking the wrath of my retribution? Why? Why Linda why? And then it dawned on me in that moment - there could only be one reason why she would do all those things and say all those things, and it's simply because...she loves me. There can be no other reason. And Linda, I love you too. And I'm about to tell you just how much I love you. You see, because, Linda, I know you've been clamoring, almost figuratively begging for my attention, my adoration. And Linda, upon reflection, I'm gonna give you exactly what you want, because from this moment on, Linda, your life is gonna change for the better, and so is mine. Because from now on, no matter how much attention you want, you're gonna get it from me. No matter how much love, no matter what kind of love, whether or not it's tenderly touching, whether it's rough or ready, it doesn't matter to me, Linda - no, you're gonna get all the love you can handle and then some! Because, Linda...something else has dawned on me, and that is I have a hunch that not only do you want the adoration, not only do you want my love and affection, but you want the fruits of my love and affection - I have a hunch, Linda, that what you want is another baby! And Linda, if you want another baby, I'm your genetic jackhammer! (growling) Linda...Daddy's comin' home! And Rock...just to show you I meant every word I said...I'd like to let bygones be bygones. If you're the man I think you are, you'll shake my hand." Rock looks at his hand - at the crowd - and shakes the hand. Crowd boos. Rock smiles! "Youre' a hell of a guy." Rock holds onto Vince's hand as he starts to walk away - a finger in the air - Rock wants the mic back. "Now before you go home and make babies with Linda...the Rock just has a couple of things to say. You are still Vince McMahon, the owner of this multimillion dollar company...and you may be a...stud in bed. But the Rock just wants you to know one thing. As far as the Rock is concerned, you are now, and will forever be...an a(bleep)le." ROCK BOTTOM! Play his music! Well, I guess we just wrote out Vince one more time...
A limo pulls up - and Shawn Michaels walks out! And now he's WALKING!
wwf.com is retooled! Relaunched! Refried! So, the GOOD news is wwf.com has been completely retooled. The BAD news is wwf.com now seems surprisingly devoid of Steve Blackman-related content. The BAD news is the search function gave me a "proxy error" (whatever that is) when I tried to search for Steve Blackman. The BAD news is that all the locations and directory names have changed, and since their OTHER sites (like, f'rinstance, the WWF Latino site) have OLD links pointing back to wwf.com, THOSE links now give "page not found" errors. The BAD news is that the WWF New Media department aren't making restitution to me for embarrassing them with public technical support. The GOOD news is that really swank Maria Felipe gallery is still there - but probably won't be for long, now that I've told you about it...aww, who am I kidding? They haven't updated that site since *1999!* They're not gonna get around to it NOW! Hey, look, it's GREAT that you give the perception of an ALL-NEW wwf.com site, but why treat all your international sites like the ghettos by doing NOTHING with them? Why not just shut them down? Wouldn't that be less embarrassing?
Hey, you Canada readers...how often do you go visit wwfcanada.com? Do you German guys often go visit WWF Deutsch? Probably not for PPV results - THEY haven't been updated since 1999 either, huh? (I WILL say it was nice reading Carsten Schaefer's tribute to Owen Hart in English.) And perhaps my many British readers will chime in about how well the WWF UK site is updated when there ISN'T a PPV looming on their shores.
Of course, you'd be well within your rights to ask me where I'm getting all this free time to check the WWF International subsites and why I would even care. Not that you'd get a straight answer from me - that's just ME, baby! It's not my way!
All right, I'll tell you. Each one has a different Trish Stratus gallery.
Well, it SEEMS that way, anyway. Actually, the UK has an entire subsection called Megababes. See, isn't it worth your while, NOW? You can thank me later. I promise to assign Chris Jones a review of all these sites down the road - he's ALWAYS looking for something sexual to write about.
Oops, when I delve into the inside jokes, it's time to get back on point...
Oh, one more thing. If you're a really cool hacker type like me, you can still find the B.B. and Luna subsites of WWFDIVAS.COM. I'd tell you the URL's myself, but that's the kinda knowledge people really should *pay* for...or visit some other website...(whistling innocently)
When we come back, Stephanie walks out with Vince. "I'm leaving,
Stephanie...I'm leaving." Stephanie says that Shane's out injured and
Triple H hasn't arrived yet - please don't go! "Give Triple H a
message...just simply say...for me...I'm sorry." He gets in the
limo...and it drives off into the sunset.
WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: RIKISHI v. CHRIS BENOIT in a return bout - Ross says this bout was previously signed for tonight, and Rikishi still wants it. Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! and to stills from last night's PPV where we see the history of Riksihi's injured shoulder. Anybody think Benoit might win it back tonight? Benoit immediately goes after Rikishi and they trade punches and kicks in the centre of the ring. Each man continuing to strike - Rikishi coming out on top - now tossing him outside and following. Tonight, Guerrero vs. Venis for the Euro title! Jerry Lawler (!) vs. Dean Malenko! Into the STEEL steps HARD and Rikishi tosses him back in afterwards. Right hand, right, Benoit bouncing up and down. Right. Rikishi shaking his shoulder. Twix brings you the Double Feature. There's a boot. Benoit comes back with a dropkick, drop towhold, dropkick to the shoulder, kick, kick, kick, kick, right, right, chop, right, kick, kick, targeting the bicep. Right, chop, right, headbutt, Rikish swings and misses, Benoit right, right, Riksihi swings and misses again, Benoit with a gutshot, elbow, off the ropes, Sunset flip attempt, Rikishi sits on him for 2 - looked like 3, but referee "Blind" Chad Patton saw the shoulder pop up. Rikishi dragging Benoit to the corner...but he can't do it with the right arm. Grabbing him with the LEFT arm, he drags him to the corner...v-e-r-y...slowly. Shaking his arm - trying very hard to climb up to the second rope - Tori has a separated shoulder. Now the music of TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ hits and he hits Rikishi in the arm with the chair in full sight of Patton, who has no choice but to call for the bell. (2:27) I was *waiting* for him to go "hey, why's that music playing?" but no luck. Anyway, Tazz takes off and Benoit puts the chair to the back of Rikishi's head - then climbs the corner for the swandive headbutt to the right shoulder. Benoit smiles...and takes off. Hey, last time we saw Tazz, Benoit was slamming HIS shoulder in a car door. Will they explain that later?
Backstage, a limo arrives - and Triple H gets out. He seems kinda moody, somehow. Must be that silent treatment he's giving his wife, Road Dogg and X-Pac. Road Dogg says he'll talk to him - and tell him about Shawn Michaels while he's at it. Stephanie tells X-Pac they'd best take care of Jericho on their own. Ross tells us that X-Pac and Jericho are NEXT!
And now, the WWF Slam of the Week is brought to you by Twix - it's all in the Mix! From last night's King of the Ring (courtesy: the Encore) - Buh-Buh Ray Dudley FINALLY puts Tori through a table.
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago, where Triple H seemed kind moody, somehow. Must be all that silent treatment he's giving his wife....oh, go reread the paragraph yourself.
CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO v. X-PAC (with Stephanie Ono) - Let Us Take You Back to Last Night, where Jericho caught Stephanie in a Greco-Roman liplock. Now let's return where Jericho has a few words for us. "Welcome to RAW is JERICHO! And all day, everybody has been asking me the same thing: Y2J, why did you kiss Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley last night? Well my response was, have you ever been driving down the highway, and you pull over, and you see a big, nasty piece of roadkill on the side of the road. And first, you try and ignore it, but then you're compelled to look at it, and maybe you nudge it with the toe of your shoe, and maybe you even take a big branch and start to poke at it - well, last night I took it a step further. Last night, I *kissed* the nasty roadkill. And believe me, it's something that I never.....eeeeeever wanna do agayne, but isn't it apropos that Kirk Angel became King of the Ring with the help of the QUEEN of the filthy, dirty, disgusting, skanky, brutal, bottom-feeding, trashbag HO'S!" Tonight, a huge tag team battle royal! European title on the line! More from the Rock! And an over the top, off with the top mixed tag match involving Jerry Lawler! Lockup, side headlock by Jericho, to the ropes, off the ropres, shoulderblock by Jericho, off the ropes, up and over,
catching him in a powerslam for 2. Chop, into the opposite corner,
X-Pac steps aside and Jericho hits hard. X-Pac stomps, stomp, stomp,
tomahawk, right, right, Jerich punching back, hard whip into the corner is
reversed, boot up by Jericho, running into a spinning heel kick. X-Pac
puts him in the corner and stands on the neck for 4. Going into the gallop
- broncobuster MISSES, though. Jericho with a right, into the ropes, X-Pac
ducks the clothesline but not the flying jalapeno. Bulldog by Jericho - 1,
2, no. Knife-edge chop, whip is reversed, Stephanie holds the ankle but
Jericho STILL manages to avoid X-Pac's charge by putting up his elbow. And
now he's outside and ready to give Stephanie another
one. ROAD DOGG
to make gallant, but Jericho turns the tide against HIM. Then he puts him
in the path of an oncoming X-Pac dropkick through the ropes. Shot for
X-Pac, back in the ring. Into the ropes, gutshot by Jericho, powerbomb, up
for a double powerbomb - and down. Off the ropes - Lionsault! But
Stephanie is up on the apron, pulling over referee "Blind" Mike Chioda -
Dogg in with a double axehandle. Chioda turns around to see X-Pac
covering. 1, 2, 3. I hate X-Pac because he *never* jobs in singles
matches...especially to Jericho. (2:45) Postmatch, D & X beat
then hold him for some slaps from Stephanie. And then a kick in the nuts.
Stephanie with a crotch chop and a hug for X-Pac. Play the DX theme! D &
X each raise an arm of Stephanie. Here's a replay of the slap and kick.
Backstage, Kurt Angle shines up his crown real nice and remarks that he's so ecstatic about things that... "I am literally talking to myself..."
Elsewhere, Trish and Val are WALKING! "You wanna see gold? You just do what you did last night..."
Meanwhile, Eddie Guerrero and Chyna are WALKING! Eddie's telling jokes involving people with thick accents talking about bananas, or something. Then he says "c'mon, we gotta get serious!" then starts snickering again
At WWF New York, a camera spies a limousine pulling up...and exiting it is...a woman! And another woman! And there's another woman! And one more woman! It must be The Godfather! No, he's NOT one of the women - you're thinking of somebody else.
WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIOINSHIP: EDDIE GUERRERO (with That Slut Chyna) v. BALD VENIS (with Trish Stratus - the fitness model) - we take a look at the throne which we'll use later. WWF Fully Loaded comes to you in July thanks in part to the kind sponsorship of TWiX - It's all in the MiX! Venis and Guerrero have a touch of history going back to SmackDown! and continuing through last night's PPV. Lockup, rolling around on the ropes - referee "Blind" Jim Korderas wants the clean break, don't think he'll get it. Eddie blocks a punch and throws several of his own. Whip into the corner is reversed - Eddie up and over but landing on Venis' shoulders. Shove into the corner by Guerrero after breaking free. Backdrop - no, Venis flips over - kick caught, spun around, kidney elbow by Venis, and a backdrop suplex. Head to the buckle. Into the ropes, hiptoss blocked, Guerrero with a hiptoss of his own over the top rope, but Venis holds on and BOTH men go out. Venis with a chop - whip is reversed, held on, Venis picks up Guerrero and drops him on the barricade. As Korderas holds back Venis, Stratus saunters in and delivers a field goal kick of her own - this'll bring over Chyna for sure. The chase is on as Venis puts Guerrero back in the ring. Stratus stops at the opposite side of the ring as Chyna stops following. Venis with a right. Right. Right. Eddie in the corner now, fighting out, right, Venis, Guerrero, right, right, whip is reversed and Eddie is put in the corner, clothesline, into the opposite corner, clothesline, blue thunder powerbomb...and only 2. Venis picks him up to try again, but Guerrero lets loose with some quick headbutts to the shoulder. Right, knuckle lock, climbing up the corner, rope walk, springboard, 'rana (wow!) - shoulder drive to the corner, shoulder drive again, into the ropes is reversed, Guerrero slides under - they both run the ropes and collide in the middle. Trish ready to get in the ring, but Chyna is up on the apron - Stratus hits the floor and Chyna decides to get in the ring. Seeing Korderas move over to get her away from any action, Stratus sneaks in and pulls Venis' arm over Guerrero. Chyna walks around the ref and grabs Stratus - then muscles her down. Korderas over to count - 1, 2, Chyna breaks it up! Well, that's illegal. (DQ 2:56) Chyna over to pick up Stratus for a Sablebomb but Venis gets up and puts a forearm across her back to break THAT up. Guerrero with a forearm to VENIS. Now holding back his arms for an open shot from Chyna - there's one slap, then another - a third. Guerrero puts him into the ropes for a gutshot from Chyna - headlock - calling Guerrero over - DOUBLE DDT! Now Chyna's got Stratus again. While Guerrero watches, Chyna - with a HUGE smile on her face - powerbombs Stratus. Guerrero laughs at what's transpired. Play his music! 'cause he LOST! As they walk up the aisle, look left for the "DVDVR ¡~ROX~!" sign. Then marvel at this replay. And then check this angle.
Kurt Angle runs some of his royal names by a local teamster, who
plays stone face for our amusement
We stare at the throne again
Here comes official WWF spokesperson MR. WHYSPYR, who does his Bobby Flay impersonation by standing on the arms of the throne. Then he shoves the throne off the edge of the stage, breaking it! He's not a REAL official! The throne is a sacred object! Big "HBK" chant delays the start of his speech. "As much as I'm sure everyone was looking forward to the coronation of our brand new King of the Ring, Mr. Kurt Angle, I'm afraid ol' HBK has got a little business to take care of first. Now, as the official spokesperson of the World Wrestling Federation, it is my duty to inform you that I, in fact, do have a major announcement to make here tonight. And it involves the #1 Contender for the World Wrestling Federation championship." As you might expect, "My Time" fires up, all the lights hit and out walks (with no pauses!) THE NEW MAN along with STEPHANIE ONO. There's a handshake. "You know, Shawn, you and I been friends for a long time, pal. Outside of this crazy world, right, always been tight. Thick and thin, man. That's why I know it pains you...["ass hole"]...that's why, Shawn, I know it pains you to see what happened to me last night. To see me get screwed - to see me get royally screwed. Well, imagine how that makes me feel, Shawn. Imagine what it feels like to me. I stand here today in front of the world, no longer the World Wrestling Federation champion. But the fact of the matter is, I was never beaten. Shawn, last night at King of the Ring, I never lost, but yet - every single place I have gone today, every person has stuck their grubby little finger in my chest, and said 'Loser!' You know what that feels like to me, Shawn? It's like a cancer. It's like a cancer inside my stomach, eating me from the inside out. It's burning a hole in me, Shawn! And I know you know that, and I know that's why you're out here to make your special announcement, and your special announcement is gonna be that I am the #1 Contender for the World Wrestling Federation championwhip, which I never lost! And Shawn, when you're done with your special announcement, then I'm gonna make my special announcment, and that is that the Rock's days as World Wrestling Federation champion are numbered." "Hunter...Triple H...you're right. I can't argue with anything that you've said. You are right. But there's only one small, SMALL problem. As you know, a number of weeks ago, I resigned as commissioner of the World Wrestling Federation. I can no longer make those decisions, and you know if I could, I would make you the #1 Contender in a heartbeat. YOU are my best friend; you know I would go to the ends of the earth for you! But these are decisions that I can no longer make. But...what I can do is introduce to you and everyone else here tonight, the man who CAN make those decisions. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce to you the NEW commissioner of the World Wrestling Federation - MICK FOLEY!" "Theme from Mankind" leads out the newly shorn Foley, who hits the ring in his flannel and a T-shirt with "COMMISSIONER" written on it. "Thank you very much, Shawn Michaels, and thank you, Worcester for that very warm welcome! Now as I stand before you, Triple H, Stephanie, in this very ring, I can kind of tell what you're thinking, and that is not only does Mick look damn good in his new haircut...thank you...but, Triple H, you're thinking I somehow look a little bit more powerful than I used to...and it's true. You see, I'm just coming off a very successful business meeting, and Linda McMahon has bestowed upon me the right to make certain decisions including who is #1 Contender for the WWF Championship! Triple H, I've heard your pleas, or more accurately your whining, your bitching, and as someone I used to know might say, your kvetching, but as far as being the #1 Contender, well...I just don't know. But what I do know is this - with Vince McMahon gone to be a (chuckles) a genetic jackhammer...well, the power that he used to have goes to me, and that means I get to make the matches, I get to make the decisions, and I get to make DAMN sure that nobody ever has to listen-uh to a boring-uh twenty minute-uh Triple H-uh promo again!" Triple H wants to speak - but holds his tongue. "Mick... ["Fo ley!"] Mick...I am gonna make this very simple for you to understand, because I know you are an idiot. You either make me the #1 Contender right now, or I am gonna beat the living hell out of you! Right here, as you like to say to get a cheap pop all the time, in Worcester, Massachusetts!" "Hey, look - you've already done that before!
I'm sick of gettin'
my ass beaten by you, and I think everybody's sick and tired of seeing me
getting my ass beaten by you, but I know - I know that you are worthy of
consideration, but the man I determine to be the #1 Contender will not get
there by hurtful language and threats of intimidation - no, he will truly
be the best man for the job." At this point, the music fires up and out
comes KING KURT
in crown, carrying sceptre in one hand and robe over
his shoulder. The RAW credits and TV-14-DLV ratings box make their
appearance here. "What the heck is going on here? This was supposed to be
the official designated time of my coronation. Now it's just not
happening? Oh, I don't think so. But since we're talking about #1
Contenders, I think the choice is pretty obvious. Last night at King of
the Ring, I beat three guys. THIS guy lost! I was an Olympic gold
medalist, a Eurocontinental champion - and now...I'm royalty! It's true -
it's true. So I deserve a shot at the WWF title - I know it, he knows it,
you know it, even the barely literate commoners here of Wor-chester know it
as well, so come on!" "Kurt, Kurt, you made several good points there, and
I have to admit - you are the King of the Ring, by golly, you deserve it.
Let's let everybody take a look at you right here - it was - it was truly a
tremendous job you did. But, ah, as far as the way you look standing right
here, I'd just like to say..." and he breaks into laughter. "A grown man
with a crown? Ahahahahaha - both you guys are great - both you guys are
great, there's no doubt about it. That's why tonight, In This Very Ring,
in Worcester, Massachusetts (thumbs up for Triple H), I'm going to make the
two of you part of a #1 Contender Triple Threat match. And that means that
if either one of you win, you get to face the Rock this Thursday on
SmackDown! The other - the other contender will be - he'll be the Rock!
The Rock will be the third contender for the triple threat match, tonight,
right here, in Worcester, Massachusetts! Now, if the Rock wins, then he
doesn't have to dignify either one of you as the #1 Contender, and that,
Triple H, is my wish - because after all, I am the Commish - have a nice
day!" As he leaves, H gives Angle a cheapshot and tosses him over the top
rope to the floor. We didn't get to see Stephanie's reaction to THAT...
Dean Malenko shoots some stick as four other ladies and Terri watch. Terri tells Malenko his match is coming up and she doesn't WANNA take her clothes off. "Look, I don't think you're getting it, ok? Here's what I'm telling you: If you win the match and I get to keep my clothes on...I'll give you a private showing later." Malenko's mood swiftly changes. "C'mon, Terri! Ladies - watch my stick!" The ladies intently stare at the pool cue.
Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER. Lawler says he's got to get ready with the Kat, and takes off. Their match is NEXT!
King of the Ring Encore Presentation ad
Moments Ago, Mick Foley made the match
Kat's picking out more clothes when Lawler arrives - she doesn't want to suffer the humiliation of the world seeing her puppies - AGAIN! Lawler says not to worry - the LAST thing he wants to see tonight is her naked. Then he stifles a laugh. Kat says that if he wins the match, she'll give him that broncobuster he's been wanting...
SMILIN' DEAN MALENKO (representing Terri) v. JERRY LAWLER (representing Ernest Miller) in an "over the top, off with the top" match - Malenko with a gutshot, right, into the ropes but not over - King punches back, right, right. Right. Off the ropes, dueling hiptosses - Malenko hits the floor. Referee "Blind" Chad Patton, up between the ladies on the stage, supervises the playing of "The Stripper" as her top comes off. King gets a lot out of this - unfortunately, not noticing Malenko back in and taking him over the top with a dropkick. Kat's top comes off. Malenko watching this, of course - Lawler pulls his feet out from under him and getting back in the ring. Right hand, right, eyepoke by Malenko, head to the buckle, kick, kick, kick, kick, into the opposite corner, followup lariat, kick, into the opposite corner again, climbing up on top as if to monkey flip him - Lawler puts him over the rope to the floor. Terri removes her belt. Patton says that's not gonna do - we get a shot of Lawler leering with many teeth. There go the pants! Ross tries to give us a Lawler impersonation: "Bra and panties! Bra and panties!" Back to the fight, Lawler with a right. Right, right, scoop - and a slam. Fistdrop. Lawler ready to put him over the top, but Malenko holds onto the top rope and lands on the apron - then hiptosses Lawler out. Hey, does the Kat still not wear underwear? "Jerry - you promised!" And there go the pants - hey, she's wearing them panties with lots STRINGS on 'em. Everybody back in - right, kick, Malenko puts him in the ropes, heel kick. "Take it off!" Crowd: "We want puppies!" Right hand from Malenko. Kick, into the ropes, head down, right by Lawler,
right, right blocked, right by Malenko, right, ready to get a
running start...but Lawler ducks it and dumps him over the top to the
floor! (3:19) Terri
finally starts to undo the hooks - but what should
happen but STEVIE
RICHARDS is out in a shirt and tie with a giant
cardboard square with "CENSORED" on it. Kat's music plays.
Edge & Christian stand in front of an exciting door! They wonder aloud why the Rock has his own dressing room and they (the two-time tag team champions) do not. Mick Foley happens by and asks how he can help. Christian notes that the Rock has his own dressing room, the Fac-gime has their own locker room. Foley: "Who?" Edge complains that the champs had to dress with the rest of the "boys" like cattle! Foley says HE never had his own locker room. "Mick - you never changed your clothes!" "You just wrestled in what you're wearing." "That's a good point..." "Look, being the newly appointed commissioner, this is so NOT cool "SO! A needle pulling thread - heh heh, I loved that movie." "Look, look - can you just get us our own locker room?" "Tell you what, I'll put my mind to it but these things must be done VERY DELICATELY - heh, Wizard of Oz, the castle scene..." and he walks off. "What the hell is he talking about?" (offstage) "I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!" "Who hired this guy?" "I don't know!"
I GET LETTERS: Aaron Steinke throws me a one-liner: Hey CRZ, whats up man. Love your reports, your the best. Let me ask you something. Should they be calling it the "Fac-gime" or the McMahon-Helmsley RECTION?
Another look at your hosts - Lawler expresses moral outrage that he didn't get to see Terri's goodies.
An "Edge + Christian" paper is taped to a wall. We zoom out to see the tag champs in recliners pulled up to a monitor. "Man, this is so...SO much better." "Yeah, this reeks of awesomeness. Finally, someone is giving the tag team champions the respect they deserve!" "Yeah, I don't know about you but I'm a little thirsty. Why don't we get Commissioner Mick there to get us a couple sodas there, huh?" "Man, I'm parched. And sodas RULE!" "Yeah they do!" and they exchange a high-five.
TAG TEAM BATTLE ROYAL: TOO COOL v. HARDY BOYZ (with Lita) v. T & A v. ACCOLADES v. ... - well, as soon as the Acolytes hit the ring, they start whupping up on folk, despite the fact that there are several teams yet to be introduced. It ends up the Acolytes and T & A pairing off in opposite corners with Chioda and Korderas having trouble keeping people apart...
Cut back to our champions. "Hey, tag team action!" Foley comes in to check on them. "The accomodations are great, but uh...little thirsty here?" "Yeah, if you were ANY kind of commissioner, you'd go get us some sodas." "It'd be my pleasure to quench your thirst - hey, good luck in that match later tonight?" Mankind reveals he booked them against Kane and Undertaker. "I'll go get you guys some soda. SODAS RULE! SO-DA SO-DA SO-DA"
When we come back, we've had some more introductions, and our last team is THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ.
TAG TEAM BATTLE ROYAL: I count seven teams, we'll see how that shakes out. The Dudleyz simultaneously toss KAI EN TAI, eliminating them in (:30). PERRY SATURN eliminates D-Von Dudley (:51) and Kaientai make the mistake of trying to add some punishment. Taka eats 3D (Dudley Death Drop) for his troubles. Scotty 2 Hotty tosses Jeff Hardy, but he holds on and skins the cat to get back in - Hotty pulls him in to take him out again, but this time Matt is behind him and with a combination shove/head scissors, both Hardyz eliminate Scotty (1:46). Albert calmly walks behind Matt and tosses HIM. (1:50). The six men remaining take a moment for discussion, and T&A and D'LO BROWN & Saturn doubleteam the Acolytes. This usually is a sign that the doubleteamed team is destined to win. Crowd works an "APA" chant.
T&A put Bradshaw on the apron, then shove him down - he gets a foot
on the floor but it's overlooked (or they're going with the Shawn Michaels
Rumble rule) - Bradshaw fighting on the apron - punch to Albert's nuts -
pulls Test over but HE lands on the apron and pulls himself back in.
Bradshaw double-whipped into the ropes, but BOTH men put their heads down.
Kick for Test, lariat for Albert. Test runs at Bradshaw with the big boot,
but he steps aside and Test crotches himself. Bradshaw clotheslines him in
the back to put him out. (3:39) All
four men collide in the ring - Faarooq
with the spinebuster, Bradshaw with the lariat. Brown rolls outside -
Faarooq throws Saturn on top of him for the exclamation
Acolytes get a shot on Thursday - will Edge & Christian have anything left?
We'll find out NEXT!
RAW is WAR comes back to the San Jose Sports Arena 10 July! Although it's sold out, some tickets may be released the day of the show - check at the box office! No word yet on how many Sportsline FAXes have been eaten by Shane McMahon's evil FAX machine, but we'll STILL try to sneak me in for an on-site. Not to mention Oakland's SmackDown! taping on 11 July!
Yesterday on "Superstars," the Rock met Mike Piazza and they posed for photos - in each other's clothes! Eewwwww! The USA Today Sunday magazine had a "Wrestling vs. Baseball" spread - or they will - or they did - ah, who watches that show anyway
Here's an exterior of the LOVELY Centrum in Worcester. Tonight, RAW is WAR is brought to you by Dr Pepper, Burger King, and Whacko Tobacco!
Last Saturday, the WWF hit MSG and Donald Trump wore a very bad piece. Didn't I see this clip yesterday at the PPV?
Hey, how about a shot of WWF New York? Godfather makes noise and the ho's wriggle.
Back to the tag team champions - Mick delivers his sodas. "Mick, we've been thinking about this whole Undertaker-Kane thing, and aaahhhhh....no." "I guess you guys didn't read the shirt!" "MMIS? Miss who?" Mick opens the flannel to reveal "COMMISSIONER" - and says that if they don't do the match, he'll strip them of their titles.
Meanwhile, Kane and Undertaker are WALKING! Undertaker: "You want some dip?" Kane: "Naw. I saw an ad that said tobacco was whacko."
And now, the WWF Burn of the Week, brought to you by Stacker 2! From last night's King of the Ring, Shane McMahon takes a chokeslam onto the announce table...shoulder first.
EDGE & CHRISTIAN v. KANE and SKINNER #2 (on A Beautiful Titan Bike) in a nontitle match - "Greetings - to all of our fans right here in...man, I don't even know where the hell we are! All I know is this is - this is totally unfair. And all of you people that sit here and cheer for Mick Foley are just as stupid as he is!" "Now, I don't know if my brother mentioned this, but this is TOTALLY unfair! So for the benefit of those with flash photography, we say put it away, because out of protest of this match, there will BE no five second pose. This is TOTALLY unfair!" Undertaker's version of "American Badass" has been retooled to give the crowd more participation in "Hey Hey Hey Hey" - also, it starts with a gong to provide a tenuous connection from old to new. Hey, he's not gonna wrestle with the giant CHAW in his mouth, is he?
tosses Edge and continues to beat on him while Kane does the same IN the
ring to Christian. Kane with four or five military presses on Christian.
In the corner, Christian manages to get the boots up on a charging Kane and
it looks like the champs might actually get some offense in. Sidestep,
Kane in the corner, Christian laying in punches, kicks and forearms.
Undertaker puts Edge in, who stands in the right spot for an all-fours
assist - but Christian only ends up in a choke. Undertaker back in the rin
g- he's got *Edge* in a choke. Stereo chokeslams - Undertaker covers Edge
and Kane tosses Christian. Referee "Blind" Tim White somehow knows that
these two are the legal men - 1, 2, 3. (1:30) Don't ask ME - I
figured it out. Play that Kid Rock song again! Here's some replays. How
come Undertaker never rides with a helmet? It's the law!
Triple H and Stephanie are WALKING!
Kurt Angle, in cape, crown and sceptre, is WALKING!
The Rock is WALKING!
King of the Ring encore presentation promo #2
This past weekend at the Craftsman Nationals, Jerry Toliver won again - in the Rock car, this time
KING KURT ANGLE v. THE NEW MAN (with Stephanie Ono) v. LA ROCA in a triple threat #1 Contender match - Angle takes third headset and has a few words about Triple H's actions earlier tonight. If you're interested in such things, Wyclef Jean's "It Doesn't Matter" video (featuring the Rock) will premiere Wednesday on MTV's TRL - you know, that show that 3 Count sings about. H and Rock trade blows as Angle leaves the commentary table to join the match just as Rock hits one of his deadly, patented kissed rights. Angle with a clothesline to take down the Rock. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right, H joins him in some doubleteam kicks. Both Angle and H have words for referee "Blind" Earl Hebner- then turn around to go down to a double clothesline. Right for Angle, whipped into Triple H, who falls through the ropes to the floor. Off the ropes, ducked, into a tilt-a-whirl slam by Rock - H breaks the count at 2. Angle goes outside as H goes to work. Right, right, right, right, into the ropes, head down, swinging neckbreaker by Rock. Rock runs at H, who puts him over the top rope to the floor. Right - head to the commentary table is blocked, Rock takes Angle's head to it instead, and one more time. H off the apron, but Rock catches him with a punch as he goes down. Stephanie tries to sneak up on him for a belt shot, but Rock turns around. Stephanie gives us fear until H is over to spin him back around and eat a punch. Rock puts H in the ring. "Rock E!" Angle takes another shot to lie on the apron for a few more seconds. Gutshot, right, right, whip is reversed and Angle catches Rock in a belly-to-belly suplex. Angle stomp, stomp. Triple H watching. Angle with a right, H with a right, H holding him for an open shot from Angle. H mounts him and punches away. Angle stomps. Triple H with a vertical suplex. H with a running kneedrop - Angle covers and H pulls him off at 2. A few words exchanged between Triple H and Angle - H invites him to continue punishing the Rock. Rock getting up. Right blocked, right, right, right, right, right, H from behind to stop that nonsense. HIS right is blocked, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, Rock ducks the clothesline, but not the high knee. 1, 2, Angle pulls Triple H off. Angle stomps on Rock.
Another brief discussion.
Angle puts Rock's head on the turnbuckle. Right, right, kick, H says "I'll
take it from here" and stomps him ...EIGHT times, I think. Angle back on
him with a stomp, right blocked, Rock right, another
"Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, Angle rakes the face,
right, into the ropes, Rock reverses and puts up a back elbow for him to
run into. Triple H with a shot from behind. Whip into the ropes is
reversed, reversed back and H hits his HELMSLEY FLIP! to the floor.
Turning to Angle, right, whip into the opposite corner is reversed, but
Rock pops out with a clothesline. Whip into the ropes, Samoan Drop. H
back in - running into a belly-to-belly suplex. 1, 2, no! Ross: "This is
a heart stopping match!" Me: "No it ain't." Right, into the ropes, head
down, facebuster by Triple H - Angle in from behind with a backdrop suplex.
Angle looking at Triple H - who looks back. Angle decides to cover him
with his face up so he can keep an eye on Triple H - yet he STILL misses a
kick between the legs coming his way and takes the full brunt. H tosses
Angle outside. Back in the ring, Rock catches H in position for Rock
Bottom - H fights it with elbows to the back of the head, and successfully
drives him off. Still, Rock hits a gutshot - and a DDT - for 2. Rock off
the ropes, oops, wrong direction as Angle pulls his ankles and pulls him
outside. Crowd chanting "Rock E!" Angle back in the ring - and exchanging
blows with *Triple H*. Angle right, right, right, right, right, H knee,
right, right, Angle right, H right, Angle right, right, clothesline ducked,
H with a neckbreaker. 1, 2, Rock pulls him off. Right hand for Triple H -
double leg takedown - catapult into the STEEL ringpost. Angle outside,
right hand for Rock, bringing him back in. Right, into the ropes is
reversed, spinebuster! Before the elbowpad can come off, Triple H
clotheslines Rock. Gutshot - setting up for the Pedigree but Angle comes
to and clotheslines H, preventing the Pedigree and also putting him outside
the ring. OLYMPIC SLAM!! 1, 2, Triple H breaks it up. Angle runs at
Triple H - but falls into a gutshot - Pedigree! CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO is
out and pulling on Triple H's ankle, allowing Angle to get a shoulder up
after 2. Stephanie, up on the apron, makes sure Hebner has enough excuse
to JUST manage to miss all this. H swings at Jericho, who ducks, and pulls
him down over the top rope in a stun gun! H staggers backwards - and right
into Rock Bottom! Rock covers Triple H - 1, 2,
3. (8:56) Well, NOW he
got pinned. Here's a replay of Jericho breaking up the penultimate pinfall
attempt, then putting H into line for his final blow. Rock poses on the
turnbuckle as Helmsley and Stephanie back up the rope, sneering the whole
way. Credits are up - last WWF logo - and we're good to go until Thursday!
AFTER THE FACT: Brian Dermody with the haps - he sent it to Rick, Mike and me, knowing only I have the power to include it verbatim - oh, if you don't like Jakked/Metal spoilers, STOP READING: Gentlemen-
Notes from a fan in attendance at the Centrum... in case any of you were interested.
Not much else of note, Mr. Bob Backlund was campagining next to a concession stand, I shook his hand, my girlfriend still hates the "Over the top, off with the top" gimmick... so that hasn't changed.
The best sign I saw was a special two part episode "We came for the McMahons" and "We stayed for the Veggie Platter". Okay, so my friends and I brought it. I gotta put myself over too. My other sign said "Funaki put my ass in this seat", which is only half joking.
Thanks for the great site guys, the only wrestling site I still make it to with this crappy modem.