/3 July 2000
WWF RAW is WAR
Various one-liners, sign spotting, use of VCR's, trips to White
Castle, kisses, and general New York hosting courtesy of the amazing
SOULMATE KIM - who will be embarrased to be mentioned, but hopefully happy,
at least deep down, that I did
QUICK QUOTE: WWFE 20 1/4 (+ 3 1/4) - say, call me crazy, but I think that that USA trial just MAY have had an affect on this stock price!
TONIGHT: The O-Rena will rock as the tag team titles will be decided when Edge & Christian take on Undertaker & Kane! The Rock will be in the house! The #1 Contender will be announced! And we'll cut off Jim Ross 'cause his thirty seconds to hype are OVER!
Wait a minute...I thought the Acolytes were the #1 contenders to the tag team titles? Are we just gonna FORGET about them? Maybe one of 'em's injured and I just haven't been paying attention? Nah, screw that. If that was the case, they'd write it into the story! Right? Err...they DO care about continuity, don't they?
"'cause that's where the Rangers gonna be. Eatin' EMU BURGERS! Now let's all laugh at the old coot's misfortune!"
One World Leader Attitude - TV-14-DLV - WWF!
Triple H and Stephanie are WALKING! H stops several times to talk - but stops short. "You didn't have to let Jericho kiss you." Oooh, dissension in the ranks? Stephanie says it was the most disgusting thing ever - I mean, getting kissed by a BOY - ewww! Spotting Foley, H drops this line of story to demand a title shot - oh, and he wants Jericho's ass. Foley says he was gonna book a shot with Jericho last week, but he was still a little peeved about getting his ass kicked four months ago. "But I think you'll agree, a match this big should be saved for the pay-per-view." As for the title shot, he blew that last week, so he won't get it tonight, BUT Foley won't start him out at the bottom - tonight, he'll get a shot at the Intercontinental title. H says tonight, Rikishi is Jericho. Then he WALKS away!
Closed Captioned - Opening Credits
PYRO! SIGNS! STUFF! It's the Ohhhhh-rena in Orlando, FL 3.7.2K - also there are people in WWF New York, here, have a look - and the entire landscape of the WWF, we are told, has changed...don't know if I believe that, but...
WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: EDDIE GUERRERO (with That Slut Chyna) v. CHRIS BENOIT - Champion enters first because he's got a chick with him. Take a drink every time someone says "genetic jackhammer." Then puke. Lockup, gobehind, waistlock by Guerrero, back elbow, into the ropes, cartwheel over, shouldblock by Guerrero, elbow ducked off the ropes, up, headscissors down. Eddie elbowing him. Whip reveresed, holding on, Benoit lays him out on the top rope. Forearm takes him down. European forearm, knee, into the ropes is reversed, "Eddie" chant, tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Nice suplex. 1, 2, no. Trying for another suplex, Benoit drops down, knee, another front suplex onto the top rope - this time Eddie bounces to the floor. Benoit goes out after him - got him by the hair, head to the apron, rolled in. Benoit back in, into the ropes, knee buried and Guerrero flips. Three championships on the line tonight - at least! Also, an update on Hardcore Holly and Tori. Ross calls Eddie "Guerrera." Into the corner, pressing up Guerrero...and letting him fall on his face. Cover - 2! Gut wrench...into a gutbuster. Twix Double Feature of the press and drop. European forearm by Benoit. Into the ropes, Benoit puts him up, Eddie pulls out a 'rana for 1. Benoit knocks him back down - 1, 2, no. How many times has Ross mistakenly said "Jericho" this match? Body scissors rollup by Guerrero 2. Knife-edge chop by Benoit - and another. Into the corner, Guerrero throws up an elbow - second rope...umm, I guess it was supposed to be a rolling something but it ended up being a bulldog with afterthought flip. Guerrero striking with quick rights and lefts - see, he's pissed about the blown spot. Right? Side headlock...climbing up for a tornado DDT attempt - Benoit tosses him off - Guerrero runs at him and Benoit drops him for snake eyes. Benoit decides to go outside and bring back the belt. Referee "Blind" Jack Doan warning him, but he's winding up - Chyna is in the ring and grabbing the belt! Chyna lays into Benoit with a right - well, that's a DQ. (DQ 4:17) Guerrero dropkicks Benoit - but unfortunately he lands on Chyna and everybody scatters. Eddie over to check on Chyna - now Benoit DOES get that beltshot on Guerrero - and now he's giving Chyna a Crippler crossface to boot! HOLY SHIT - AND YEAH! A gaggle of referees and officials come out to try to get him off of her. Benoit leaves the ring, backs up the ramp...and smiles... You know, I'm starting to get the feeling that titles just don't MATTER to this guy.
"Spiceworld" is on TOMORROW! Why watch fireworks when you can watch "Spiceworld" ... with ADS!
Moments Ago, Benoit partook of some hideous misconduct. Too bad about Guerrero's dropkick. Ahhhh, lookit Benoit smile.
Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER. They reinforce Benoit's pride and overall Wolverineness.
We cut backstage, where as Chyna is being treated for her injuries by paramedics, Guerrero is expressing ... I believe I would call it "frustration."
COMMISSIONER FOLEY hits the ring for this month's version of the twenty minute promo. "Foley!" chant. "Thank you! I thought Hegstrand was back there for a second. (Huh? What's Hawk got to do with it?) Do you know what I have? I have the greatest job in the world! One week as commissioner in the World Wrestling Federation and look what's happened! The Faction is splitting up...
the WWF stock is going through the
roof, and we've got ourselves a new WWF Champion! It certainly is a
tremendous job, but unfortunately as commissioner I sometimes have to make
some decisions which I know are not going to be unpopular. So tonight, I
hope everyone will understand and forgive me when I officially ban the
Worm. ["Boo!"] I'm just kidding, I love that move! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Hoo! Actually, I do have an important decision to make but it concerns the
#1 Contender, you see I tried to settle things - I had ourselves a
tremendous Triple Threat match, but Triple H and Kurt Angle completely
screwed up the whole thing...so tonight, in Orlando, Florida (thumbs
up)...the possibilities are WIDE OPEN!" Time for LA ROCA to appear and
confuse us all. Hey, this could be like "This is Your Life" all over
again, whoopee! After a pretty long entrance, it'll be time to chant his
name. Foley offers his hand... "Mick Foley, after all the history that
you and the Rock have been through, after all the cage matches, the ladder
matches, 'I Quit' matches, Last Man Standing matches...the Rock says:
welcome back." And he shakes his hand. "Thank you, Rock, and let me
congratulate you now - five-time WWF Champion! And not only that, but I've
gotta say, Rock, that is gotta put you right up there in the elite list of
the greatest WWF Champions of all time...but I wanna know one thing. How
does that make you feel?" "Well, the R--" "IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW IT MAKES
YOU FEEL! I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!" Foley goes outside and laps
the ring. "Foley! Foley! Foley! Foley!" and so on. Rock cracks a
smile. "I've finally got ya! I've finally got ya!" "Didn't the Rock tell
you never to use his catchphrases again? Listen, the fact of the matter is
this, there's business to tend to. Why all the deliberation about the #1
Contendership? You are the commissioner of the WWF - the Rock says: just
MAKE a new #1 Contender." "No Chance in Hell" fires up...it looks like
SKIPPY is back...and he's pissed. "I know what
you're all thinking...how
could a normal man who suffered knee and rib injuries at the King of the
Ring...be standing before all of you here tonight? And the answer is, a
normal man could not be standing here in front of you tonight, but you see,
Shane McMahon has never just been a normal man. ["Ass hole!"] In college,
I was both a scholar and an athlete. I graduated valedictorian of my class
- and I was the captain of both the debate and my water polo team. [Ross:
"Contact sports, all right"] That I assure you I am not. One thing I am
sure of, though, is I have somewhat, somehow endured a chokeslam at the
King of the Ring, fifteen feet in the air...stopit!" "Shane's a pussy!"
"if that's true, then how do you explain how Shane-o Mac has somewhat
overcome a chokeslam fifteen feet in the air at the King of the Ring, as
the Undertaker slamdunked me through the announce table. And I've had to
endure my power-hungry mother, and my egomaniacl, crazed maniac, egomaniac
father, embarrassing themselves in public. I've also witnessed my very own
brother-in-law LOSE the WWF Championship...without actually being pinned
himself! And week in and week out, I have witnessed the millions of
fans...calling my baby sister a sl(beep). And now..." "Slut!" "And now,
I have to stand here and watch the balance of power slip through my
fingers, slip through my hands, and it has now shifted to a slob that we
now have to call Commissioner Foley! Well, I'm not gonna take it anymore,
no, tonight I'm takin' a stand...tonight, just as my forefathers did, Shane
McMahon is declaring his independence day! You see, it should be me - it
should be Shane-o Mac who takes the World Wrestling Federation into the
next millennium, and it should be me (Shane McMahon) who deems and decides
who should be the #1 Contender!" "Wait wait wait, Shane...it was kinda
hard for me to tell with all these people screaming at you, but are you
saying that you think you should be the #1 Contender?" "Nonono, I'm not
saying that..." "Hey hey, Rock...Rock, did you hear Shane-o Mac say that he
should be the #1 Contender?" "That's not what I said - I didn't say that!"
"It sounds to the Rock that Shane WANTS to be the #1 Contender!" "Shane,
Shane, when you were talking about sailing fifteen feet through tht air,
and down crashing through the table, I've gotta admit, I went home and I -
I put that tape on freeze frame, and I put it on slow motion, and I looked
real carefully, and as you were sailing fifteen feet through the air, I saw
it, Shane! You had something that I used to - actually, the Rock used to
call it and I stole it from him, but it's called 'testicular fortitude.'
And YOU, my friend, have got it! So I'm telling everybody right here in
Orlando, Florida ["He said the name of our town!"]...that we've got
ourselves a new #1 Contender...what the hell, Rock, you look ready for a
fight...we're gonna make the match here tonight In This Very Ring." "So
basically, Shane McMahon, what Commissioner Foley has just said is you come
out here and you run your mouth about your Independence Day - you come out
here and run your mouth, fourth of July, 1776, and you run your mouth about
your forefathers - well the Rock says this: the year - 2000, and just like
the Rock's forefathers, George Washington, he cannot tell a lie - because
the Rock says tonight he's just gonna kick your candyass all over
Orlando...if ya smelllllllllllllllll what the Rock is cookin'!"
Rikishi is WALKING! His jacket says "Rikishi Phatwear." Oh....boy.
Look for the WWF Maximum Poster Collection! Drink RC Edge!
Local spot hypes Bash at the Beach
...and Master Lock...but fails to
provide instructions on how to order the show - aie!
And now, the WWF Slam of the Week - brought to you by Twix! From SmackDown! last Thursday, Chris Jericho dropkicks Triple H off the apron and through a table...then he SNARLS
WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: RIKISHI v. THE NEW MAN (with Stephanie Ono) - champion enters first because ring announceer LILIAN GARCIA can't remember which title is on the line unless she actually sees it being carried to the ring. Man, when was the last time we saw Triple H wrestle this early in the show without having to wrestle again later? When's Foley booking a defense of the Women's title? Strangely enough, the referee in this match is the decidedly non-Earl Hebner "Blind" Tim White. Right, right, right, right, knee, knee, knee, right, right, kick, kick, kick, yep this is Triple H's match. Whip is reversed, and Rikishi backdrops Triple H as he comes back - right hand, right, whip into the opposite corner, Rikishi stands and waits - the decides to charge and runs into a knee. Triple H with a clothesline that takes him down. Right hand, right, right, into the ropes, high knee. 1, 2, kickout. Head to the buckle, shoulderdrive, another, right, tossing him between the ropes and to the floor - and following. Is the crowd chanting "Stephanie swallows?" And what does that mean, anyway? Outside, it's all Rikishi with the punches - back in. Rikishi right, right, into the ropes, head down, Triple H tries very slowly with a LOOOOOOONG Pedigree attempt - met with the backdrop counter, to no great shock. Buttdrop...misses. Off the ropes with a big clothesline that sends the "Sultan of Squat" (Ross) spinning. Running kneedrop gets 2. Twix Double Feature brings the clothesline and flip. H mounts Rikishi and hails down some rights. Into the ropes is reversed, head down, H with a DDT, but he's Samoan - that don't hurt! Rikishi pops up and waits for the chance to land another superkick! Samoan Drop (sorta)! Clothesline takes him out of the ring! White wants him to stay inside but he goes out after him. Right, H fires back, Rikishi with a right, again, H to the eyes, then taking him to the barricade. Oh, don't tell me...White is counting, and FAST - Rikishi rushing to get back in the ring ... just in time? CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO appears from behind, and puts Triple H hard into the STEEL steps - then back in the ring. In the ring, H turns to face Jericho in the corner - and falls victim to a blindside fat ass splash. H slumps down in the corner - STINKFACE! STINKFACE! STINKFACE! Appropriately sad expression from Mrs. Helmsley. Ehh...whatever. No decision is announced, but I'm inclined to think Rikishi beat the ten count, and his music IS playing, so we'll give him the duke. (COR 4:30) TOO COOL magically appear, hitting the ring to keep the crowd from figuring out they've just been screwed out of a satisfying ending... and NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE!
Moments Ago, H hits the steps, talks to Jericho (WATCHING THE TITANTRON THE WHOLE TIME) and goes down to a splash and stinkface. Ross tells us it was actually a double countout. Oops. Okay - (DCOR 4:30) - there you go
Triple H rushes the Commissioner's office, shoving over most of the memorabilia in the process - Foley says he'll book Jericho in a handicap match against Road Dogg & X-Pac, but only with the provision that if Triple H interferes, he loses his shot at Jericho at Fully Loaded - H goes along with this. I could have SWORN I heard some offstage direction there...
TWIX presents Fully Loaded - remember, friends...IT'S ALL IN THE MIX!
JEFF HARDY (with Lita) v. BALD VENIS
Trish Stratus - the
fitness model) - Lockup, no duck, Hardy flails
away, into the ring,
shoulder by Venis, clothesline ducked, off the ropes, Hardy dropkick.
Venis manages a hot shot. Off the ropes, Hardy drops and dumps him to the
outside. TOPE CON HILO! Hardy kicking on the outside, Venis comes back,
reversing the whip - Hardy leaps onto the barricade - and falls to the
floor, oops. Hardy goes ahead and leaps onto the corner of the barricade
to spring off with his (sorta) Thesz press. Running at Venis again, who
drops his face on the STEEL steps to stop all this high-risk nonsense.
Hardy brought back in the hard way - vertical suplex back into the ring.
Cover - referee "Blind" Teddy Long brings 2. Venis rams Hardy's head into
the buckle. Hard right hand. Another right. Venis always comes hard -
errr....right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stand on the neck, into the ropes, back
elbow, elbowdrop, off the ropes with a knee to the heart, mount and punch,
punch, punch. Leg is hooked - 1, 2, somehow Hardy manages to kick out.
Venis with a...well, let's call it a "full nelson body scissors" and let
Hyatte provide its Japanese name. Hardy manages to push backwards and
Venis has to let go as Long counts two. Double underhook by Venis,
repeated knees, into the suplex. 1, 2, kickout! Right hand, Hardy punches
back, Venis goes to the eyes, Hardy punching, Venis punching back, trying
to go the eyes again - I guess that has no effect on Hardy. Hardy suddenly
punching back, off the ropes...into a sleeper. Hardy breaks free and puts
on a sleeper of his OWN - but Venis manages to turn this into the Blue
Thunder powerbomb - for a LONG 2 count. Lawler proclaims Long an idiot.
Scoop...and a slam. Venis to the second rope - elbowdrop MISSES. Hardy's
up - sidestepping a charge, leaving Venis in the corner, charging, Venis
dumps HIM to the apron, Hardy pulls his hair (what's left of it) and takes
him to the floor - springing back in with a moonsault that makes NO contact
- yet gets 2 - Venis with a foot on the rope. Venis put in the corner,
back elbow up, Hardy with a gutshot, Twist of Fate neckbreaker, going up
for the swanton bomb - hit it! I guess. AGAIN not much contact. Hardy
with the cover - but now we notice that Long is busy politely asking
Stratus to please get off the apron. Lita over, pulling Stratus to the
floor...now Long has to go outside to keep THEM from getting it
on...meanwhile, IN the ring, TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZ has
choking out Hardy. Huh? When it's all said and done, Long is back in to
see Venis hit the Money Shot on Hardy and score the
pin. (6:00) What's
the motivation of Tazz? I dunno
Here's a shot of Time Square - and WWF New York. Inside, we see Terri - and she's WALKING! Elsewhere, we saw DA MAYOR and his "not yet - technically I'm still married" fiancee - why'd she shine up her shins like that? Anyway, they were there. I still don't know if I'm going or not...I'm sure I'll break down and step in there, at least.
Road Dogg & X-Pac are WALKING! And saying something about defending Stephanie's honour, doing it for Hunter, or something. Also, Foley's sudden "burst of intelligence" is praised. It's NEXT!
WWF RAW is WAR is coming to MSG 7 August! Tix on sale NOW!! That reminds me...NEXT week, RAW is WAR hits the San Jose Arena and I STILL haven't heard from anybody...
Exterior shot of the..."Waterhouse Centre?" What the heck is THAT?
Mick Foley tries to set up his fallen desk items - and hurts himself on his cactus. "Ow - prick! Hey, Pat, I was just thinking about ya!" Pat Patterson hits up the Commissioner and asks for some pity on Shane McMahon...but only gets a gavel to the thumb for his troubles. Ross gives us his Kevin Kelly impersonation by laughing as if this was the MOST HYSTERICAL THING EVER AND THERE'S NO *WAY* HIS LAUGH IS FORCED
D & X (with RAW Credits and TV-14-DLV ratings box) v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO in a handicap match - Dogg's a poet and he wants ya ta know it. Before a trepidatious Jericho hits the ring, the music of COMMISSIONER FOLEY fires up again. "I guess we're ready for one hell of a handicap match, huh? But I got to thinking - with Triple H being so bullying and demonstrative, I'm not sure I made myself completely clear, so I'd like to take this opportunity to clear things up, you see - I promised a handicap match and we will see one, but it's not two against one... it's
two! So X-Pac, Road Dogg, you two gentlemen will be taking on Y2J...and
his tag team partners, THE
ACOLYTES!" DX quickly puts a doubleteam on
Jericho before Bradshaw & Faarooq hit the ring. Say, if these guys are all
right after all, when do they get their tag team title shot? Faarooq
quickly demolishes X-Pac while Bradshaw cuts down Road Dogg. Outisde we go
- X-Pac tastes the STEEL steps while Bradshaw delivers some power to Road
Dogg. each man is delivered singly to Jericho, who goes ahead and gets in
some shots of his own. We'll stick with X-Pac and Jericho in the ring -
right hand, arm wringer, X-pac fires back, Jericho right, right, into the
ropes is reversed, Jericho shoulderblock, up and over, off the ropes,
Jericho with a spinning heel kick, right, tag to Bradshaw, kick, Jerich
kick, into the ropes, double thrust puts him down. In the corner, knee,
forearm, opposite corner, boot up by X-Pac, leaping - caught. Road Dogg
runs at him and eats a big boot, THEN Bradshaw hits the fallaway slam. Tag
to Faarooq - open shot. Faarooq pounds away - he's the most over man in
Florida besides the Rock, you know. X-Pac comes in with a blindside and DX
FINALLY gets control. Dogg has him in the corner, kick, kick, kick, kick,
referee "Blind" Jim Korderas pulls him off and explains to him that kicking
in the corner is illegal - while X-Pac kicks him in the corner. Tag to
X-Pac - kick, into the corner is reversed, big ol' lean powerslam - Faarooq
looking to make the tag to his partner, but Jericho cuts in front of him
and tags himself in. Faarooq makes his "smellin' skunky beer" face and
gives a longish look Jericho's way as Jericho hits
"Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, into the ropes, X-Pac
ducks - and Jericho takes an elbow from behind by Road Dogg, Dogg holds him
just long enough for X-Pac to charge - and hit his partner when jericho
ducks. Off the ropes, Jericho ducks, flying jalapeno, off the ropes,
bulldog, ready for the...cover, okay. 1, 2, no. Chop, kinto the opposite
corner, running at X-Pac but he steps aside. X Factor attempt is blocked
with a double leg - Walls of Jericho! Dogg in to break it up - Bradshaw in
with a clothesline from Hell. Dogg rolls outside and Bradshaw follows.
X-Pac puts Jericho in the corner and starts to gallop - but Faarooq is in
and putting him down with a spinebuster! Jericho covers...1, 2,
A quick shot of Triple H's dressing room shows a vegetable platter (with
dip!) being spread about the premises. Hey, you know X-Pac is happy to job
in tag team matches...but he'll NEVER job in a singles match! X-Pac
actually holds up two fingers to remind us of this fact (well, HE was
probably saying "only a 2 count" but I take creative license)
Coming up Next: A GRAPHIC! WOW! TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH - NEXT!!!!
Triple H and Stephanie angrily bundle into a limo...and take off. Hey, I hope there's a shirt for Triple H somewhere in there!
WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: EDGE & CHRISTIAN v. KANE and UNDERTAKER (on A Beautiful Titan Bike) - Champs enter first because it's all the new rage. Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! where Christian defeated Kane...with just a small amount of help from Edge...and Tazz. "First of all, Mick Foley, for making us defend our World Wrestling Federation tag team titles tonight, I just wanna say that you have SO scraped the bowels of sucktitude - and secondly, as you all know we're from Canada...["boo!"]...and even though we don't believe in Independence Day, we just wanna wish all of you a very happy fourth of July...especially to two guys in the back that we really like, and really, REALLY respect...the Undertaker and Kane." "So for the benefit of those with flash photography...we call THIS new five second pose 'Kane, we're really sorry we bashed you in the head with chairs on SmackDown! - and, and Undertaker, you're - you're a pretty cool guy too!' and we want this pose to symbolise the ending of this match." Edge puts on a Kane mask and Christian offers a hearty handshake - and raised arm with shrug. Hit the lights and wall of flame, through hell fire and something something something. Edge continues to don the Kane mask as Christian sends a tentative "thumbs up" Kane's way. Strangely enough, Kid Rock's CD cover does NOT appear during this "hey hey" entrance. Undertaker lays into Edge with soupbones - threatens referee "Blind" Mike Chioda - and goes back to the soupbone. Into the opposite corner, Edge puts up a boot and tries to take control with punches of his own - Undertaker shoves him back to the centre. Elbowdrop misses. Edge with a swinging neckbreaker, but he's kicked out with authority. Big ol' clothesline gets 2. Right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, sidewalk..no, tombstone...no, powerslam. Bleah. Christian breaks it up at 2. Undertaker puts HIM down by the hair, and drops an elbow. The champs work a brief doubleteam, and Christian stays in despite no tag (I think). Christian off the ropes, 'taker doesn't move. Going again, big boot from the Undertaker. Tag to Kane. Put him in the corner, one-armed tilt-a-whirl slam. Edge runs at him and goes down with a big back body drop. Christian pops up - and goes down to a big boot. Clothesline for Edge. Choke for Christian - doubleteam escape - off the ropes, double clothesline by Kane. Tag to Undertaker. Choke for Christian. Edge goes outside and Kane follows. Now KING KURT ANGLE is out just in time to save the chokeslam, with...what the hell is that, a soupbone? He whacks Undertaker in the back of the leg with it, drawing the (DQ 2:24) - oh, that was his SCEPTRE. So much for bitter irony.
Post-match, we get the tandem Kane "I can't tombstone
anymore" chokeslam/Undertaker "I can't tombstone anymore" powerbomb. Ross
goes out of his way to tell us that Undertaker's "Last Ride" powerbomb is
the greatest, most devastating move since the days of the Colesium and
nobody really likes that tombstone piledriver anyway. Don't buy it! Write
your local congressman and let them know that you want Vince McMahon and
the WWF to LET THE MAN PERFORM HIS DAMN MOVE!!!
Local (yet unfinished) Bash at the Beach promo
Earlier today in Orlando, Bill Becker, the director of the Florida Citrus Bowl, spearheaded a press conference announcing an XFL Franchise in Orlando. No clips of Vince.
Oh, hey, sitting in the first row, there's TOM VEIT, the Orlando XFL general manager! He's got a real "crooked nose" look about him, doesn't he? Eh? Eh?
Moments Ago, Kurt Angle made merry with yon scepter
MICHAEL KING COLE stands backstage with Angle. "What have you done?" "Well Michael, you're gonna have to be a little more specific - are we talking about the Olympic gold medal, the Eurocontinental championship, King of the Ring..." "We're talking about the Undertaker." "Waitaminute...what are you talking about?" "Well, you just cost the Undertaker the WWF tag team titles. You angered a real American badass!" "Wait a minute, waitaminute - you're saying - you're saying I angered the Undertaker - I - YOU'RE saying it, I'm not - I didn't say that. I was just helping out my friends Edge & Christian. If the Undertaker thinks I offended him, if he's watching - even if he's not watching, I want him to know right now that I did not mean to offend him, and I give him my deepest, most sincere apologies. I mean, I am a man of integrity, I would never do that, and furthermore - you know what? This interview is over."
SMILIN' DEAN MALENKO (with four - err, two ladies) hits the ring. Let Us Take You Back to Heat where Malenko got a surprisingly good (albeit short) match out of Jacqueline. Highlight: "I was talkin' about manhood - not somebody FROM the 'hood." "Ooooooooh!" Back to tonight's words: "You know, last night had to be probably the lowest point in my career. You see, Jackie what you need to know is I don't wrestle AGAINST women - I wrestle WITH women. So to redeem myself this evening, I would like to defend this light heavyweight title against anybody big, small, tough, hardcore, softcore, I don't care who the--"
SMILIN' DEAN MALENKO v. CRASH (holly - with Scale) - Malenko lays into him as he enters the ring - repeated stomping away. Into the ropes, and a knee flips Crash. Stomp. Kick to the small of the back. Malenko picks him up and puts him in the corner. Elbow, gutshot, kick, kick, kick, into the opposite corner is reversed, Malenko up and over but Crash wasn't there - repeated kicks. Right, right, into the opposite corner is reversed, Crash puts up a boot - Malenko ducks the clothesline, both men go for a neckbreaker - and both men hit. Crash with a Sunset flip - but Malenko drops down for 2 - shoulders hooked for 2 - another near fall when Crash reverses a Tejas cloverleaf attempt. Into the corner, boot up by Malenko, running at Crash, into a powerslam - for 2. Crash to the top - 'rana misses when Malenko drops him down powerbomb style - turning him over for the cloverleaf, but Crash grabs the ropes - powerbomb attempt is countered with a Leprechaunrana for 2. Crash blocks, elbow, blocks, right, off the ropes, Malenko with a gutshot, going for the 'rana again but Malenko folds him up with a powerbomb. 1, 2, 3. (2:01) JACQUELINE and IVORY come out - Ivory distracts him so Jackie can blindside him - they take turns giving Malenko the pinball treatment. Into the ropes, double gutshot, double suplex, doubleteam beatdown - Malenko's women pull him out of the ring and away from the fracas as the PMS music plays...
Back to the Commissioner's office. Gerald Brisco attempts to plead Shane's case. Mankind gives us the spit-take on "King of Sting." And again on "Giant Killer." "He's like a wounded animal, and you know how a wounded animal is?" A Looney Tunes bit breaks out which I don't feel compelled to preserve for posterity.
King Kurt Angle is WALKING! Who is his opponent? THEY'RE NOT TELLING! You sit through this anti-smoking ad first!
Please watch "Core Culture" because BMX is gonna replace "LiveWire" down the road...
Did anybody watch "WCW Saturday Morning?" I was...like...asleep. Was Spice really hosting?
And now, the WWF Rewind, brought to you by WHACKO TOBACCO - from
SmackDown! last Thursday, Kurt Angle moonsaults onto Hardcore Holly,
breaking his arm, going low, Olympic Slam, pin.
KING KURT ANGLE v. ? - Speaking of pins, we learn that Holly had one put in his broken arm last week. That's a bummer- Holly was just starting to develop a new Kool Moe Dee catchphrase, too! Angle's not wearing the crown but he DOES carry it with his sceptre. "I just wanna say to all the NBA free agents...whatever you do, don't come to Orlando! Do not come to Orlando. I'm not sure if it's the Arena or the fans, but this place stinks - it's true, it's true! And speaking of stinks, that leads me to you, Hardcore Holly. You see, last Thursday night on SmackDown!, I had no intentions of breaking your arm, but now that I have had a few days to think about it, I'm glad I did! You see, you disrespected me, and you disrespected my crown, and I will NOT be disrespected - you had it coming! Which leads me to tonight. Commissioner Foley, in all your infinite wisdom, you have ruled me out of the #1 Contender spot. I have one thing to say to you. You had better have a worthy, suitable opponent for me tonight, because I will not be disrespected again...and THAT...is true." Here comes...the BROOKLYN BRAWLER. I give this match ONE minute. Then I'll start bitching. Angle doesn't even need a minute! "What the heck is going on here? This is not a worthy, suitable opponent - I mean, this guy has not won since the Carter administration! This is not respect..." The music interrupts and COMMISSIONER FOLEY is out. "Kurt, Kurt, you have a valid point. The Brooklyn Brawler is NOT good enough competition for you...it's true...it's true. But you see, he's not competition at all, Kurt - tonight, he's your tag team pah-te-nah!" "What the hell are you talking about - my partner?" "I'll tell you what the heck I'm talking about - I figured you're gonna need a lot of help, because your opponents tonight are...THE DUDLEY BOYZ!"
KING KURT ANGLE and THE BROOKLYN BRAWLER v. THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ - Damn, they're not even TRYING, are they. "Hey, look! We'll give you the Brooklyn Brawler in the last half hour! You'll STILL watch!" Angle and D-Von start - right, right, into the ropes, dropping down, leapfrog, D-Von with a gutshot, into the ropes we go again - shoulderblock by D-Von. Crowd chants "We want table!" as we look backstage to see Undertaker watching a monitor...studying Angle intently. Somehow Angle gains control - we look at the crowd and miss it. Tag to Brawler. Kick, chop, chop, into the ropes, clothesline, into the ropes, head down, gutshot by D-Von, clothesline ducked, but not the flying forearm smash. Tag to Buh-Buh Ray. Into the ropes, double clothesline, off the ropes with an elbowdrop, and here's another, and hey how about one more. Leg hooked - Brawler out at 2. Right hand by Dudley. Brawler rakes the face and staggers back into a blind tag. Angle with words for his partner - then running into a powerslam - v-e-r-y slowly - gets 2 for Dudley. Into the corner, open-handed slap. Here's another gunshot. Woooo! Into the opposite corner is reversed, charge - Dudley shrugs off the monkey flip. Angle punches, right, right, into the ropes, Dudley ducks, but Angle hits a belly-to-back suplex with authority - yikes. Brawler tagged in - knee, kick, head to the buckle, again, shoulder, into the opposite corner, Dudley puts up a boot, clothesline. Shot for Angle for good measure, drawing him in so referee "Blind" Teddy Long can turn to him and miss the "headbutt to the graun" spot. Dudley with a Rock-esque "bring it" pantomime for Angle - the Dudleyz actually kicking Brawler towards his corner so he can make the tag. If Angle were smart...aha, he IS smart - short-arming Brawler. Crowd chanting "table." Brawler going for the tag - but Angle pulls his hand away - drops off the apron - and walks off. Angle is the SMARTEST MAN ALIVE! I get a SUPERkick out of THAT. Back in the ring, Brawler tries to get D-Von from behind, but the whip is reversed, and there's 3D (Dudley Death Drop) - 1, 2, 3. (3:50) It's table time! Second rope superbomb is ALL Lombardi - Buh-Buh Ray lands on his feet and makes no contact with the wood. Well, what do you know - I *enjoyed* that segment. Must be something WRONG with me.
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Moments Ago, Kurt Angle showed GREAT intelligence. Also, Lombardi showed he can still do a hell of a job when the situation calls for it.
THA GODFATHA (with eight - no, four ho's) v. TEST (with Trish Stratus - the fitness model) - Let Us Take You Back to Heat where Lita had great fun at Stratus' expense in the six-person elimination match
- then took a
big boot from Test to ultimately lose the match. Big boot by Test to
start, right, right, Godfather fires back. Head to the buckle, right,
right, kick, kick, kick, choke - referee "Blind" Tim White begs him off.
Into the opposite corner, big elbow from Test as he charges in, big boot
from Test. Into the ropes, back elbow, but the buzzer and sirens are up -
and the international "NO" symbol graces the
RICHARDS is out with large black bags with the
circle and slash symbol on
them - with a hole at the top for their heads. All four ho's get bags to
wear. After putting down Test with a backdrop suplex, then dumping him
over the top rope, Godfather is over to try to keep a sack of a lady away,
turning his back long enough for Test to get in a top rope throat shot -
back in the ring for the Savage elbow...and pin. (1:51) Godfather
manages to remove most of the bags post-match before we cut to
Foley catches up to Shane backstage. Shane tries to get out of the match, citing the injuries that Foley hasn't bothered to learn about. Foley goes into a tirade about HIS injuries, (stitches in the arm, missing ear) punctuating each one with "...and the match continued!" Dropping his voice, Foley relates the story of how, during the C4 explosive/barbed wire match in Japan, he lost "both of my guys that night boys...Nah, just kidding! There they are, ya little rascals!" and he walks off, having failed to become convinced to scratch the match...
Tonight, RAW is WAR is brought to you by Stacker 2, Castrol Motor Oily, and Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli!
Moments Ago, Steven Richard played a bit part in Godfather's demise in his match with Test.
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY prompts a statement from Steven: "It's Steven, and thank you very much Mr. Kelly. There's an acceptable - and an unacceptable way of presenting yourself. And wearing a thong and push-up bras instead of casual slacks and a blouse - well, that's just plain unacceptable! And I realise that our country was founded on freedom, but since we're on the subject of freedom, I have but one question to ask - when does it go too far? I mean, on the eve of our Independence, think about it - when does freedom go too far? I mean, are we gonna be sitting around riding donkeys naked, shooting off illegal bottle rockets while sipping tequila? Well, I think not! I'm here to tell everybody that I'm not gonna let it happen - the madness stops today! Thank you very much!"
Meanwhile, Steve Blackman admires his hardcore title - then makes ready as Al Snow advances on him. "Whoa - back off man! Take some medication or something! I'm not here for your belt, I'm here to congratulate you! I think it's great that you're hardcore champion - but I just think we should go on our own separate ways, you know?" "Fine, beautiful, I couldn't agree with you more--" "Now hold on - to commemorate our adventures together, Steve, 'cause they were great - they were great fun - I have a poem that I wrote.
When we were first teamed up
I tried to be hip
We went to a farm
You didn't stop there
We then changed and tried it your way
Then we were losing
While Snow reads this poem, both Kai En Tai and the Mean Street Posse run at Blackman black ninja style - having stolen the kendo stick from Taka Michinoku, he manages to beat all five men into submission. "You guys having fun yet?!?" Finally, he returns to Snow's side.
"You're still pretty dull
You were not listening to a word I was saying, were you?" "No." "that's the problem - we have no communication! That's why we cannot be a team anymore!" Blackman walks off murmuring about the straitjacket they should have fit Snow for years ago...
One more look at Times Square - I been there - and there - and there - but not there...yet. Hey, they don't CALL it "Fleet Week" anymore, you politically incorrect Okie...
Going inside, Terri asks the seventh fleet (in attendance) to show her their devil horns. "Hello, sailor!" is NOT said - oh well
Shane is WALKING!
Man, they ARE gonna sneak another ad break in here. Guess this'll be a SHORT match...and rightfully so, I suppose.
Commentators hype "Spice World" tomorrow night on USA - somebody tell these guys they're not even together anymore
Michael King Cole stands with the Rock. Will he show an injured Shane sympathy tonight? "Will the Rock show Shane McMahon sympathy? Did Shane McMahon show the Rock sympathy in all those handicap matches? Did he show the Rock sympathy in all those BS matches? Did Shane ever show the Rock sympathy when time after time laying in a pool of his own blood? So you ask the Rock is he gonna show Shane sympathy. You're damn right he will - 'cause the Rock feels very sorry for Shane McMahon - sorry that Shane's is gonna walk out of Orlando with the Rock's boot turned sideways shoved right up his candyass!"
WWF CHAMPIONSHIP: BIG SKIPPY v. LA ROCA - We interrupt Shane's entrance to show you a clip from KOR of Undertaker chokeslamming Shane from the apron to the floor, through the commentator table - then cut away JUST after we start with a clip of Vince (oops).
Already past the hour when
Rock's entrance begins...champ fails to enter first, I'm gonna write
a letter or something. I guess this match WILL be short...either that or
they've done some HORRIBLE time mismanagement tonoight. "Yo yo yo, Rock,
hold on one second, just hold on one second. Now you know that I'm not at
100% - that my ribs are cracked, I got a hyperextended knee, and being that
I'm not 100%, Rock, I know you don't want to take advantage of that,
because if Shane O-Mac WAS 100%, then Shane McMahon would walk out of
Orlando the new World Wrestling Federation Champion...BUT, but, but hear me
out for a second. This is the whole point. You and I shouldn't not be
fighting - no no no. Rock, you and I should be *allies!* Think about it,
Rock! The old man's lost it; he's history. My mom, she's embrolled (sic)
with power, she's gone - Steph and Triple H, no offense, they've blown it.
But you and I, Rock, think about it. You could be World Wrestling
Federation champion FOREVER. Unite with me Rock. We could build the
strongest force that the WWF has ever known. Whaddaya say? Rock - Rocky!
That's right, listen to 'em. Do you smell what I'm cookin'? Me and you.
Me and you. That's it, that's it--" and Rock punches him...oh, well I
don't think that's what Shane thought was going to happen. Kick - whip,
holding on, spinning him around...spinebuster. CHRIS BENOIT appears
and chairs Rock. (DQ
:10) Wow, that went a whole TEN seconds!! Benoit
continues to lay down some smack of his own - Crippler crossface! Crowd
chants "Rocky!" Yeah, Rocky's the guy in the submission hold there. Shane
lays in some kicks - then holds referee Earl "Why'd CRZ call me Dave last
Thursday?" Hebner at bay. Several more REFS hit the ring -
them out, one by one - then wields the chair to stave them off. Rock is
STILL in the Crippler crossface. SERGEANT SLAUGHTER
tries to hit the
ring - Shane directs Benoit to punk HIM out - then Benoit returns to the
Crippler crossface. THAT was cool. Shane with the point of the chair to
the Rock's back. Rock ready to pass out from the pain. Shane with a chair
to Slaughter off-camera. Shane puts the chair back on the shoulder.
finally comes out...and Benoit lets go and takes off.
Shane lingers a bit to point to Foley...now Benoit and Shane are off
together. Once again...Benoit's face curls into that sinister smile...
Credits are up - one more WWF logo - and we're out.