/17 July 2000
WWF RAW is WAR
Hey STc, I'll miss ya - ya ol' BASTARDS
BLATANT PLUG: So if you're in the mood for some wrestling humour, and you've read everything on ScoopThis.com three or four times, click over on OUR so-called SPORT dot com. If I can get ten more people turned onto this site, John said he'd send me a set of steak knives *and* a coupon for a free Undertaker soupbone, so you can see how I'd jump into full-on shill mode for them...
PUBLIC APOLOGY: I slept through my appearance on "In This Very Ring." You would think I wouldn't do that sort of thing, but I did. I think we've tried for THREE months to get me over there on WRJN but there's some sort of planetary misalignment or deep delayed jetlag or *something.* Actually, I thought it was THIS week instead of LAST week, and I've lost the email contact and they had no way to reach me and and and... Anyway, the world might have been better off - although, in my sleep, I'm STILL a better guest than...oh, I'm just asking for trouble.
QUICK QUOTE: WWFE 21 1/8 (+ 1/8)
I GET LETTERS: Jason COULDN'T be making this up: Hey,
Just wanted to let you know. Last Monday on Raw, when Steven Richards came out during the Luna/Trish match, it was the first time I heard his siren/klaxon/blaring.
It was also the first time my dog, a longtime wrestling fan as well, heard it. Well, the noise sent Busco [my dog] into a seizure. It was a good twenty minutes long, and I had to calm him down. I didn't give much a care about Raw, but still.
So, I guess that the PTA theme song needs a warning ahead of it.
Of course, this could lead to a funny plot turn, where Steven has to censor his own music. Something about "seizures in household animals."
Oh, and of course: "Fuck you, WWF."
That one was for my dog.
TONIGHT: The Commissioner is back in town, and this ain't no Thin Lizzy song! Lookit this CRAZY picture of the Rock in the Crippler Crossface! Will we repeat it - LIVE - TONIGHT?
"To Be Continued?" What the hell is THIS crap? Screw it, I'm NEVER watching "Walker, Texas Ranger" EVER again-- oh, wait a minute
One World Leader Attitude - TV-14-DLV - WWF!
By golly, this Special Video Look is starting to convince me that ol' Chris Benoit's got the Rock's number!
(well, not really)
Opening (close captioned logo) Credits
BOOM! LIVE from the Pepsi Arena in Albany, NY 17.7.2K on the USA Network (and maybe on TSN) it's WWF RAW - is - UNOPPOSED! Hey, I hear there's a pay-per-view this Sunday - I wonder if they'll mention that tonight
Here's a quick shot of the crowd at WWF New York
Wasting no time, COMMISSIONER FOLEY is out to give us a little jetlagspeak of his own. "One thing's for sure-- ["Fo Ley!"] Thank you, thank you. I gotta tell ya, one thing is for sure, they love the WWF in Southeast Asia! But, as much as they love it, I'd like to say it sure is good to be back in the good old USA!" Lawler: (muttering) "Thinks he's the Patriot now." "You know, ah, I like a cheap pop as much as the next guy, I haven't done this in about ten years, so why don't you all join me in by saying 'USA! USA!'" Crowd complies. "Speaking of cheap pops, as much as enjoy being back in the USA, it is definitely great to be back in Albany, New York! (thumbs up) Thank you, I appreciate that - but there were certain things I did not appreciate after reviewing last week's RAW. I did not appreciate Triple H bending my authority...I did not appreciate him beating the crap out of Chis-Chris Jericho. And even though Chris is not scheduled to be here tonight, I did have a chance to speak to him, and he said he can't wait to get his hands on Triple H at Fully Loaded! (Ross: "That's this Sunday on pay-per-view!") But Chris also said he wanted a special type of match - a Last Man Standing match - a type of match that is so barbaric that the only way to win is to inflict a state of unconsciousness upon your opponent. So, after sitting back for about two seconds, and visualising Triple H in a state of inc-unconsciousness, I said 'you got it - a Last Man Standing match at Fully Loaded!' And speaking of other things that I did not appreciate--" The UNDERTAKER interrupts here, riding out on his Beautiful Titan Bike - as if by magic, all the STEEL steps have mysteriously turned themselves on end and positioned themselves out of the way of his lap around the ring! It's *uncanny!* "Now, Mick, me 'n' you, we go back a lotta years and a lotta wars, right? So I guess you could say you probably know me pretty well." "I know you pretty well, I could say that." "Well, then you of all people oughta know I don't appreciate the disrespect Kurt Angle has shown me lately. I didn't appreciate when he cost Kane and I the tag team titles...I didn't appreciate it when he a bunch of crap all over my bike...and then, he tries to offer some weak excuse, a scooter and some LAME apology, just so I don't beat him up. You know, I think that boy's yellow. He's scared; you know that, right?" "I know, I know." "But the thing I appreciate the least is when that little (beep) hit me in the head with a sledgehammer." "Well, ah, 'taker, maybe there's something I can do to make all this right to you." "Let me tell you what you're gonna do, Mick. You are gonna make a match here, tonight, with me and Kurt Angle." "Now--" "And Mick, if you don't make the match, I'm gonna walk back there, I'm gonna find him, and I'm gonna hurt that boy. And I'm gonna hurt him bad." "You listen here, you're trying to intimidate me - it worked..." Well, it's been nine minutes, let's bring out KANE. Say, I bet in two or three minutes, Triple H might come out, then two or three minutes later, the Rock might come out. Then ... then *Tom Brandi* will come out! Man, it'll be WILD! The crowd will go NUTS for Tom Brandi!! Tom Brandi! Tom...Tom.....eh, screw it. Let's listen to Kane. "So you think you've seen anarchy and chaos? Well you ain't seen' NOTHIN' until you see what I do tonight! You ain't SEEN anarchy and chaos! But you'll see it all through this building unless you give my brother what he wants!" Umm, wasn't he already... "Wait, wait a second. Listen, while you two guys were scaring the hell out of me, I got an idea in my head that I certainly would like to see Kurt Angle In This Very Ring tonight, I got to thinkin' that if m--" On the EntertainmentTron appears Kurt Angle. "Uh, hello? Excuse me? Hey guys - hello! I'm sorry to interrupt, but again, I would like to point out, as far as hittin' you in the head with a sledgehammer, Undertaker, I am *really* sorry about that. I mean, I thought the singing telegram I sent you this week was pretty clear on that, I mean nobody wanted to see that happen (especially me), almost as much as nobody wants to see you and me fight at Fully Loaded! What I'm trying to say is...I had no intentions of hitting you in the head with a sledgehammer. I was going for Triple H!" "Hey Kurt - Kurt - first off, let me say that nobody appreciates your Olympic accompsh - accomplishments more than I do. Second off, I'd like to say nobody can understand wanting to hit Triple H with a sledgehammer more than me! But I'm inclined to make a tag team contest tonight...pitting Kane and the Undertaker against you and your new-found good-time party buddy, Triple H!" The Fun Brothers each raise a fist - *they'll* take it. And now, the EntertainmentTron splits. "Mick - hey - Foley! Now I know that, uh, you and I don't always see eye to eye - I know you got a problem with me. Foley, I know you probably hate me more than anybody. I mean, hell, you should - I've beaten you bloody all across this country and back. I mean, after all - I am the guy that made it possible that you never, ever wrestle another match again as long as you live, so I know you hate me - but I mean, come on, Mick - you can do what you want. Sunday at Fully Loaded you can book me in a Last Man Standing match with Chris Jericho; that's just fine. But tonight, you wanna book me in a - a handicap match, you wanna book me in a steel cage match, you wanna book me in a handicap steel cage match, whatever - I don't care. But Foley, I'm beggin' ya - I'm pleading with you - please - do not make me team up with this Olympic twerp." "Twerp? I don't think I'm a twerp! I don't think these people here tonight, who don't have the common sense to move the heck out of this decrepit town out of All-banny don't think I'm a twerp. And to be honest with you, Triple H, I don't think your wife thinks I'm a twerp either, and that...is true." "I'll tell you what - you don't hold up your end of this match tonight, and you're gonna get the same thing as Jericho, you're gonna end up a beaten, bloody mess in that ring. And, uh, as far as that goes, Angle, Foley, Kane, 'Taker, just like this Sunday, when it's said and done, I will be the Last Man Standing, because I am that damn good. And that, jackass - it's true. Oh yeah, it's true." "Well, it looks like we got ourselves a hell of a tag team match here--" "If ya smelllll...." God, does it ever END? Here's LA ROCA to make sure we bracket this quarter hour. Oof.
Since I have a
minute, I have to tell you that Angle's facial expressions while Helmsley
was talking were quite choice - they were - they were. "Now, Mick, seeing
as you're in the mood to give the people what they want - the People's
Champ has a one word request - no! A one word demand: Benoit. Now the
Rock already knows that in six days at Fully Loaded he's got Benoit for the
WWF title, but considering how the Rock feels tonight, the Rock says it's
gonna be the Rock - Benoit - WWF title match - tonight." "Now wait a
second, Rock, I guess I see a growing trend here - as much as I'd like to
see that matchup tonight--" For Christ's sake, it's the World Entrance
BENOIT leads and BIG SKIPPY & EDGE &
"It doesn't matter to me - you wanna put the title on the line tonight?
That's great! Let's look at what I've done to you over the past several
weeks. Every time I put you in the Crossface, hehehehehehehehe...I love to
hear the Rock SQUEEEEEEEAL! Squeal, Rock! Whether I win the title
tonight, or Sunday, one way or another you will submit - a tap out -
because I'm the greatest technical wrestler in the WWF today! And I will
be the next WWF Champion! Prove me wrong, Rock!" Shane: (as Rock) "Rock
it doesn't MATTER if it's tonight...or if it's this Sunday at Fully Loaded,
because you are looking at the next World Wrestling Federation champion in
Chris Benoit - if ya smelllll--" "Wait wait wait wait - hold on there sport
- you don't rip off the Rock's catchphrases - only *I* can rip off the
Rock's catchphrases! It just doesn't sound cool when you do it. So get
the picture straight, Shane, *I* call the shots around here - not you. *I*
make the matches - not you. Let me put it this way, Shano: think of it
this way, I'm Tony Soprano, and you're the guy who cleans the toilets at
the Bad-da-bing, understand? But look, I can't help but notice that you
brought your three Canadian friends out here, didn't ya? How ya doin',
guys?" "Thank you for asking...because we're feeling TOTALLY better,
Mick!" "Ya know, not 'ready to defend our titles' better, but...we're
better nonetheless!" "So you're not ready to defend those titles, huh?
Guys, there were a lotta times during my career where I may have had a - a
case of the sniffles or a bad back and didn't feel like wrestling, but I
always did, and do you know why? Because I had something...and still
do...that apparently you two gentlemen lack, that being a set of testicles.
(There ya are, ya little rascals!) But you know what, I understand you
don't feel like you can defend the tag team belts, but I kinda wanta give
the fans here a preview of the tag team match against the Acolytes that you
will have at Fully Loaded so what I'm gonna do is book for us, right here
In This Very Ring tonight, a six man tag team championship match - a six
man match pitting the two of you and Chris Benoit against the
Acolytes...and their partner, the Rock!" "That's just fine with me, 'cause
tonight is just gonna be a samplin' of what's gonna happen at Fully
Loaded." "Well, Chris Benoit, the Rock says this: how 'bout I come up
there and give you a sample asskicking all over Albany!" Rock walks up the
ramp despite the fact there are four guys up there - he gets in a few shots
on Benoit before the other three take over - now Benoit and Rock are locked
up and trading blows. The refs and officials come out and separate them as
Rock gets in the ring and makes his "blinking hand" motion. Play his
music! So, it took 22 minutes, but we've got two matches set up. WHERE
WAS TOM BRANDI?!?
Moments Ago - please, do we REALLY need to extend this period of non-wrestling-ness? It's like there's no show over on TNT or something-- *ohhhhhhhh*
THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ v. HARDY BOYZ (with Lita) in a "loser can't use the word 'Boyz' anymore" match - Hey, you know that "Your table is ready" shot would make a damn fine poster - you know the one I'm talking about? Yeah, that one. Hardyz decide to rush the ring and we're quickly off to the races with a Pier Four brawl. Jeff tossed outside, and he manages to catch about four different body parts on the bottom rope on his way out. D-Von working on Matt in the corner - to the opposite corner, boot up - Matt to the second rope, D-Von punching - meeting him up there - Hardy shoving him off - superlegdrop (which we are now to call "the Drop Shot"), tag to Jeff. Into the opposite corner, Matt on all fours for the leg lariat. 1, 2, kickout. Jeff's whip is reversed, big back elbow by D-Von. Tag to Buh-Buh Ray, holding him for the open shot. Right hand. In the corner, Dudley rips off Jeff's shirt, not only to accentuate these open-handed slaps, but to make the girls scream. Dudley acting heelish tonight - the crowd doesn't seem to care. Into the ropes, biiiiig back body drop by Dudley. Shot for Matt to distract referee "Blind" Jim Korderas. Jeff on Dudley's back in the piggyback ride - punching away on him but no effect - walking over to his corner where D-Von is perched - big clothesline, Devastation Device style. Matt is over - but into a scoop and slam from Buh-Buh Ray - now holding him for the "headbutt to the graun" spot. Both Dudleys end up outside as D-Von does the war dance. "D-Von...get the table!" Each Dudley gets outside the ring on opposite sides - each man finds a table. Buh-Buh Ray sets his up at the base of the ramp as D-Von brings his in the ring. Whoops, here's STEVEN RICHARDS walking out with Buh-Buh Ray's table. D-Von decides to go after him while Buh-Buh Ray watches from the bottom of the ramp. Meanwhile, the Hardyz have found a ladder and added THAT to the ring. Buh-Buh Ray turns around to eat a plancha from Matt. D-Von back, punching away on Matt - this would be where Jeff runs the barricade - holy shit, I'm wrong...Jeff is ON THE LADDER in the ring and ready to dive - the ladder is ready to go the other way as Jeff springs off and almost falls short of the pile below. And NOW, here comes T&A and TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL to surprise Lita from behind. As the four people in this match find themselves with nothing settled (no contest 3:15), Lita is deposited in the ring
as Test and Albert position the ladder and
table *in* the ring. Test has Lita in the powerbomb position - Albert says
no, no - we want Trish on the ladder. Lita is placed on the table and
Trish (no WAY) climbs the ladder. But the Hardyz pull off T&A and scrap
with them on the floor. Lita starts to come to, so Stratus starts back
down the ladder (boooo!) Lita climbs the other side of the ladder and
grabs her by the hair....back up to the top, but Stratus is fighting back -
and now shoving Lita backwards and THROUGH THE TABLE!! Stratus gets off
the ladder and celebrates with her team. The Hardyz tend to Lita and call
for some help. Stratus' breasts look even *more* frightening tonight. The
EMT's are out...let's take a break
Moments Ago - boy that ladder wobbled a lot - Lita wanted the superplex off the top of the ladder, but Stratus said "are you nuts?"
During the Break, Lita took the stretcher ride
And now back live, Lita shrugs off the collar, telling the Hardyz "I'm gonna get that (beep)."
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: THA GODFATHA (with ten - no, five ladies) v. THE LETHAL WEAPON STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) - Hey, Godfather's just a fun lovin' guy who loves to have fun - AND SMOKE WEED. Sign in crowd: "FEAR THE MULLET" - yer DAMN right. No sooner has the crowd said "Pimpin' ain't easy" than STEVEN RICHARDS comes out again. "What is it with you people? Don't you know right from wrong?" "Ass hole!" "You sit there and you cheer for violence. You sit there and you cheer for indecency. Worst of all, you sit there and cheer for the Godfather and his ho's! Can somebody tell me where our morals have gone? The - the Godfather and the producers of this show are corrupting the moral fibre of the youth of America - and it's wrong! Can you people hear me? It's wrong!! Godfather...you cannot have scantily-clad women accompany you to ringside. Because it's indecent and it's totally unacceptable! And I will continue to censor you and your lady friends, because quite frankly, you do not know any better." "Hey, Stevie! I do know one thing...that your censorin' behind is costin' me the Hardcore title right now! So I tell you what, my brotha - why don't you bring your conscience - bring all your high morals - bring your butt in this ring, and we'll show you what we think of your censorship!" "Godfather...violence has never solved anything. And besides, I refuse to soil my hands with the likes of you. Unless it was self-defense." "Well I tell you what, boy - you better start defending yourself!" Godfather chases after Richards - who bolts. Godfather makes the mistake of turning his back after getting to the top of the ramp...oops. BULL BUCHANAN punks him out from behind - hmmm, he looks a bit different...must be the white short sleeved dress shirt and tie...saaaay, he looks like Richards! They fight down the ramp, back and forth - Buchanan putting Godfather into the ring hard - now in the ring - whip is reversed, but Buchanan hits his "will he won't he" no-hands climb up the corner into a flying clothesline. There's a scissors kick. Richards is back out and herding the women away. What *I* wanna know is where the heck is Steve Blackman in all this? Richards and the women take off - now Buchanan is taking off. Godfather staggers around at ringside. *Where is Steve Blackman???*
MICHAEL KING COLE asks Kurt Angle for his thoughts about teaming with Triple H. "Well, Michael - I've been to the Olympics, I've been all over the world, and I've seen many people in my lifetime, and there are certain bad apples. And Triple H is just a bad apple." Cole brings up H seeing Angle hug his wife. "Wait a minute - what's wrong with a little pre-match hug? Steph and I are friends - that's all - I felt nothin' by that - you can't hug friends anymore? I mean you and I, we're not even friends, I'll give you a hug, look! See what I'm talking about? What is WRONG with that? You know what...this interview is over." Ross: "DXtoocoolNEXT!"
Moments Ago - I was deprived Steve Blackman on my television screen
- oh, and Bull Buchanan is now Steven Richards #2
Backstage, Michael King Cole stands with Godfather. He seems distraught: "Man, Stevie Richards thinks he can tell people what to wear, how to think, how to act, man, he don't know what the people want! And now he's gonna bring Bull in on me? Well I tell you what - I'm gonna show 'em BOTH just how hard pimpin' really is!"
D & X (with "The Kings") v. TOO COOL - Twix brings you Fully Loaded this Sunday from the Reunion Arena in Dallas, TX *exclusively* on pay-per-view! It's he, it's he, it's the ... whatever. I just *gotta* learn me that "diggin' a hole" dance Grand Master Sexay does. Sexay shouldn't keep his back turned trying to get people to do the American Males clap, 'cause when the bell rings, it's no trouble at all for Road Dogg to quickly put him down with forearms to the back. Rikishi vs. Test - tonight! Head to the buckle - into the opposite corner, but Sexay puts up a boot - let me wiggle and then missile dropkick. Vertical suplex coming up - and there it goes. Tag to Scotty 2 Hotty - "X Pac Sux" chant is so loud, crowd forgets to react to the breakdancing double clothesline - which could quite possibly be the LAMEST move of the year, if not for the fact that they've only busted it out twice so far so it's not getting the recognition it deserves if not for the protracted lobbying on the part of your humble reviewer. Where were we? X-Pac comes in and goes down to a double drop toehold - his head landing roughly in the area of Dogg's PENIS. I mean, crotch. Right hand by Hotty as referee "Blind" Earl Hebner says "I've had enough of your comedy! This is WRESTLING! Now get back to your corner!" Whip into the ropes is reversed, X-Pac gets a kick in the back, big boot by Road Dogg, DX takes control. Front face to allow for some spot calling - Hotty punches out, right, right, into the ropes, Dogg ducks the clothesline, left, left, left, juke, jive, right, wiggly wobbly wooqly kneedrop - 1, Sexay breaks it up. Dogg asks Hebner to please take care of that illegal man, and while his back is turned, X-Pac comes in without a tag and helps him doubleteam. Dogg with the standard "I'll clap really loud so he'll think we tagged" - ahh, the classics will NEVER die. "LONG LIVE THE MULLET" sign in the front row - it's MULLET night! X-Pac stomps, HE goes to a front facelock, Hotty punches out again - off the ropes, but into a spinning heel kick. Shot for Sexay, lightning elbowdrop, Hebner occupied with Sexay so Dogg comes in again. Off the ropes, Hotty ducks - double clothesline and all three men are down. Hot tag to Sexay - you go down, you go down, X-Pac with a punch, reversed whip, duck, powerslam by Sexay - 1, Dogg in with an elbowdrop - Sexay scoots out and he hits his partner. It's broken down completely each memeber of Too Cool puts a DX'er in an adjacent corner and both men are punching away. Sexay dumped over the top to the floor by X-Pac, stopping his flurry - Hotty with the bulldog on X-Pac, but Dogg surpises him in mid-funny face with a gutshot and ye olde pumpe handle. Sexay is climbing the corner, though - and he's got the goggles on - Hip Hop Drop lands on Dogg and he turns the pile. 1, 2, X-Pac pulls Hotty out of the ring and puts him in the STEEL steps. In the ring, Sexay puts Dogg in the ropes, reversed, Sexay ducks, waistlock, rollup...X-Pac in - X Factor - 1, 2, 3. (3:52) On one hand, I hate DX, but on the other hand, they kept the Worm in the house. On the other hand, the breakdancing double clothesline DID make it - ahhhh! Screw all of them!
Backstage, Edge feels some worry: "This reeks of uncoolness." Shane pumps up his men, telling Edge & Christian that the Acolytes are going a million miles an hour and it'll be easy to capitalise on their mistakes; meanwhile, Benoit has had no problems "snatching" on the crossface whenever he's felt like it. This upcoming match...will be a beautiful thing. He's channeling Martha Stewart?
Meanwhile, Rock and the Acolytes are WALKING! Hey, are Faarooq and Rock friends again?
And now, the WWF Slam of the Week is brought to you by Twix! In a clip I'll never get tired of, Benoit punks out Rock in mid-catchphrase.
CHRIS BENOIT (with Big Skippy, the RAW credits and the TV-14-DLV ratings box) and EDGE & CHRISTIAN v. ACOLYTES and LA ROCA - you gotta admit, Shane's one sweaty dude. How come the cameras keep sweeping the arena when Edge's music starts, even though it's been MONTHS since they've been entering from anywhere BUT the entryway? Looks like some more mic time for our tag team champions. Christian up first, as has been the case: "Now, being the fightingest tag team champions in World Wrestling Federation history, it's great to be back here in a city such as...little help here? Albany....where we know we are SO respected!" "Now, we usually don't do this, but tonight, we are going to forfeit our five seconds. We're going to forfeit it to someone who reeks of awesomeness just as much as us. So, for the benefit of those with flash photgraphy, we call this five second pose 'The Next WWF Champion.'" And they point to Benoit - who flashses a winning smile. Did you know that "catchphrase" is one of two English words with six consecutive consonants? Hyatte told me that. He also said that during his week off, he'd like all of you to write him and either (a) ask him what the other word is, or (b) tell him what the other word is. Don't write to ME about it; I'll just laugh and make fun of you. GLORYDOG@msn.com is the address.
We turn the hour in the middle of
the Acolyte entrance and just before the Rock entrance. Rock wastes no
time leaving behind his belt, going outside and finding Benoit. Right,
right, right, right, right, into the ring, where the Acolytes stomp on him.
Edge tries to help out Benoit, but Rock is over and giving HIM some right
hands. Christian from behind, and now the two take over on the one. I
fully expect Rock to absorb all this and come back. Blaaaaah. Referee
"Blind" Tim White manages to get the Acolytes to their corner after Benoit
rolls out of the ring. Christian continues to kick the Rock, right, right,
into the ropes, reversed (he shouldn't do the Irish whip), but Rock puts
his head down and Christian kicks him (never mind). Christian off the
ropes, but into a powerslam - 1, 2, no. Shot for Edge, shot for Benoit.
Rock puts Christian in his corner and tags Faarooq - I guess they ARE pals,
now. Open right, right, press, 2. Into the ropes, powerslam, 1, 2,
kickout. Head to Bradshaw's boot, tag to Bradshaw, into the ropes, double
choke bomb gets 2 - Edge breaks it up. Christian to the mat after the
right. Into the ropes, ducking the clothesline, caught by Bradshaw - Edge
in, eating a big boot - there's the fallaway slam. Powerbomb for Edge.
Benoit decides they've had enough and comes in to save their (back) bacon
with a shot from behind, kick, kick, right, kick, all three men joining in
on the beatdown on Bradshaw. Bradshaw to the outside. All three men work
him over as ... I guess Shane is distracting White or something. Back in
the ring, it's Bradshaw and Edge - stomping away. Tag to Benoit, holding
him for an open knife-edge chop. Right, left, right, stomp, right, tag to
Christian. Open kick, forearm, kick, right, Bradshaw kicks back but slumps
into the unfriendly corner - Edge and Benoit hold him for some kicks. Edge
tagged in - right, right, right, kick, right, into the ropes, head down,
Bradshaw pounds him. Man, they do SO WELL into they go to that whip into
the ropes! Bradshaw going to whip him into the corner, but Edge reverses
(yikes) - Bradshaw busts out a shoulderblock and both men are down. Benoit
screaming for Edge, but it's Faarooq that gets the tag, despite Edge
holding onto him. Clothesline, one for Christian, Edge put into the ropes,
spinebuster, 1, 2, Benoit kicks Faarooq in the head - Rock comes in and
punches, punches, punches, punches, now KISS THAT RIGHT! Outside we go,
Benoit's head to the commentary table, again, Shane flies in with a
clothesline. Rock tastes the commentary table as well, and now the wrong
end of the chair as foolish Canadian hold chair upside down. Faarooq takes
the edge of the chair RIGHT on his back as he comes off the ropes, and he
ends up in the Downward Spiral for 3. (5:07) The four bad guys
leaving Rock out on the floor, and the Acolytes in a heap in the ring.
Missed it? Here's Rock putting Benoit's head on the table - Shane flying
in and turning it - Benoit wielding the chair - oops, time to go
Fully Loaded, if you believe the hype, has a "triple main event." - Rock/Benoit, Triple H/Jericho, and Undertaker/Angle. If you ask me, only ONE thing can guarantee a buyrate: Hulk Hogan, brother
Moments Ago, you're gonna see this set of replays AGAIN - just in case you switched to "Nuremberg Part 2" during the past five minutes or so
Backstage, Rock is WALKING! He's got a chair and he's looking for Benoit. The Dudley Boyz, then Too Cool provide cameos - "no man, we ain't seen 'im." Rock puts his ear to a dressing room door....aha! Going in, he manages a mighty chair shot to Benoit's noggin before Shane can raise his "yoyoyo" alarm - Edge, Christian, and McMahon get on Rock - Rock manages to turn the tidde against the tag team champions...where'd Shane go?
We cut to outside, where Shane has an arm around a bloodied Benoit - they're trying to make a getaway, but Rock wants another chunk. Repeated rights to the cut - Benoit put into some lockers, a soda machine - all the refs and Sergeant Slaughter manage to form a human wall between Rock and Shane & Benoit. Rock goes back to the dressing room...
...where Edge & Christian are still there. One more shot for them...and Rock reclaims his chair.
Back out where the referees and officials part...and follow Rock. "Benoit! Benoit!"
Back to Shane and Benoit, slowly, slowly making it to their limousine. Unfortunately, it's facing the wrong way. Shane asks the chauffer to turn it around, but Rock's caught up to them - there's another chairshot, and Benoit collapses on the hood of the car. Rock decides to join him up there. Rock Bottom on the hood of the limo! Shane collects Benoit and they get in the limo - Shane barks at the driver to take off...and they do. Rock manages to throw his chair at them and sneak in an unbleeped "chickenshit" after three other things DO get bleeped.
Your hosts are a pair of kings: LARRY KING & JERRY
LAWLER. They say
that this is a Rock they've *never* seen before. Moments Ago...man, this
is a pretty ... "lean" ... show tonight, isn't it? You'da think I'da been
done by now... Seriously: what else could we POSSIBLY be watching that
we'd need a replay of the ENTIRE segment?
SMILIN' DEAN MALENKO (with four - err, two ladies) is out. "Women! What can I say? You can't live with them, but lucky for me...you can wrestle them. You know, there's only one thing in this world that gets me more excited than watching two women fight over me is me fighting two women. So Jacqueline, Ivory, come on down, and tonight I'm gonna give you what every woman in this audience would love to have - a shot at the Light Heavyweight Title. But it's EDDIE GUERRERO & THAT SLUT CHYNA out instead. "Oh, Deany...now you know perfectly well that Jackie & Ivory aren't here to accept your challenge, but it just so happens to be that I'm free right now...so whaddaya say we give the people what they really, REALLY want, and that's someone to shut you up!"
SMILIN' DEAN MALENKO (with four - err, two ladies) v. THAT SLUT CHYNA (with Eddie Guerrero) for the Light Heavyweight Championship - Malenko immediately beats down Chyna as she hits the ring - forearm, stomp, kick, into the ropes, but Chyna holds on for a short clothesline. Elbow, elbow, into the ropes, back body drop, right, Malenko to the eyes, kick, forearm, into the ropes, head down, kick by Chyna, who stumbles over Malenko's body - oops. Cover - 2. Chyna with an elbow, elbow, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, into the opposite corner, crappy handspring elbow MISSES when Malenko leaves the corner - "nah, I ain't sellin' that" - into the ropes, dropkick misses as Chyna holds on - she's got the legs and looks to be going for the crotch - no, wait! She's going to put on the Tejas cloverleaf and beat him with his own move! Malenko reaches for the bottom ropes - and easily crawls over to grab it. Referee "Blind" Jack Doan calls for the break as we see PERRY SATURN head on out. Malenko dumps Chyna outside through the ropes at the foot of the ramp. Guerrero is over to check on her, but Saturn takes *him* out as Malenko goes out to take out Chyna. Guerrero dropped on the barricade, repeated elbows - whip attempt is reversed, now they're trading blows. In the ring, it's all Malenko. Back to the ramp, back and forth - somebody's gonna hit the STEEL hard - don't tell me he's gonna BRAINBUSTER him - no, Saturn settles for a Meltdown-like slam. Chyna leaves the ring to check on Guerrero, and I have a feeling she'll be counted out here. Saturn back up to the top of the ramp, where we now see NIPPLES - well, shucks, we can't help but wonder if Terri's had something to do with all this. Doan *does* get to ten and Malenko retains (COR 2:32)
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands with Triple H. Can he and Angle work together? "Can Kurt Angle and I work together...get this straight. Kurt Angle and I will never do ANYTHING together. Kurt Angle is a jerk. I don't like Kurt Angle. And my wife - my wife can't *stand* Kurt Angle. But thanks to Mick Foley, Commissioner Foley, tonight I am stuck with Kurt Angle as my tag taem partner. But Kurt Angle is no idiot, so he will do the smart thing tonight. Kurt Angle will come to the ring with me, he will stand in the corner, he will keep his mouth shut. He will get in the ring when I tell him to get in the ring; he will get out of the ring when I tell him to get out of the ring. And when the match is over and the referee raises my hand in victory, Kurt Angle will come and thank ME for allowing him to survive in the ring with the Undertaker and Kane, and most importantly, survive in the ring with me. And if Kurt Angle decides for any reason tonight that he should screw with either me or my wife, I will personally take Kurt Angle apart." Wow, who had "11" in the pool?
Golly! It's Tazz! AND HE'S WALKING!
Get Ready for some Maximum Power - brought to you by RC Edge Maximum
Power Cola! Here's a quick highlight reel of Tazz' run-ins over the past
And here *is* TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZ come out to have a few words with us. Hey, let's compare it to the notes I took last of his practice speech last Tuesday, just for grins, huh? "Everybody's talkin' about the NEW Tazz. What's Tazz' motivation all of a sudden? Kane gets a steel chair cracked across his big head - booooooo! Kane: just another victim! Then, a fifty thousand dollar television camera smashed across Rikishi's fat head, costing him the intercontinental championship - booooooo! Rikishi: just another victim! Then - W - O - R - O - O - oh, I just choked your ass out! The Worm - just another victim to the one man crime spree! I told you people from the very first day I got here, The Mood Was About To Change, and then, when it did, you want answers! Well I'll tell you what - until you people or this company can find a hero - a role model - a man - a real man tough enough - bad enough - mean enough - to yank the reason for my actions out of my mouth, the path of rage will continue to run roughshod through this joint! Because I'm Tazz: thug life born, thug life bred, and when the time is right, I'll be thug life dead!" "Hold on a second there, Mr. Tazz--" COMMISSIONER FOLEY is out. "--hold on just a second. You see, Tazz, there's a lot of things I'm proud of here in the WWF as its commissioner, but watching you interfere in matches is not one of them! So you walk around here saying The Mood Is About To Change - well yes it is, Tazz! Because at Fully Loaded, you will not be interfering in a match, you will be HAVING a match...as soon as I can find a suitable opponent." This brings out AL SNOW & HEAD - because this *is* the World Entrance Federation. Say, I wonder if Snow will be a suitable opponent. "I can not believe what I've been listeni--hey, Mick." "Hey Al." "You come out here, acting all angry and miserable. You want to talk misery? For the last seven months, I have been eating, I have been driving, I have been training (and on one sad occasion, sharing a room) with Steve Blackman. *Fifty* camera shots to the head can not compare to one heart-to-heart talk with Steve Blackman expounding the virtues of quicklime in the use of disposing of human remains. So please, Mick, I'm not asking you, I am begging you. Let me show this man at Fully Loaded what misery is really all about. (And I don't mean tagging with Steve Blackman.)" "Wait a second, Al, I like you, I do. I pretend I don't, but I do, and I enjoyed making fun of you in my towering, #1 New York Times bestseller Have a Nice Day, (which will be available in paperback with a couple extra bonus chapters in October,) but Al, it seems that every time I put you in a big match, well...you choke." "I guarantee you, if you give me this--aaack!" Well, Tazz heard the word "choke" so he clamped on the kati hajime on Snow. Foley tells him to let it go. "Hey Tazz, you want a match with Al Snow at Fully Loaded? Well, you've got it! You talk about thug life - well I'll show you thug life, Tazz, but when Al wakes up - when Al wakes up - he's gonna be really, really mad!"
Hey, want a copy of the EncycRAWpedia interactive CD-ROM? Send a copy of your cable bill with proof of purchase of Fully Loaded to this address over here! I'm gonna guess it's not compatible with the Macintosh.
Michael King Cole catches up with Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley and asks what's her relationship with Kurt Angle. Stephanie says "relationship" implies "sexuality" and a women of her principles would NEVER share her favours with anyone other than her husband Hunter. It gets even less entertaining from there...
And now, in order to make Stephanie look more attractive, here's a shot of Rikishi's giant ass!
Hey, there's the state capital! Oh, wait, it's the Pepsi Arena - at 10:36 it's 78 degrees! Say, THAT'S *unpleasant* weather!
Clips of Mick Foley's promotional tour - from Jakarta and Singapore
T (with Trish Stratus - the fitness model) v. RIKISHI - in case you missed it, Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight where Lita went through a table. RAW is WAR is brought to you by Stacker 2, Castrol Motor Oily, and Sony PlayStation! Test says "damn, this entrance is taking forever" and tries to get the jump on him - and fails. Rikishiright, right, right, right, into the ropes, head down, kick by Test, big boot by Test puts him down. Right, right, right, right right right right right right right, shove for referee "Blind" Teddy Long who's saying "don't you know any OTHER moves?," right, right, right, right, another threatening glance at Long - "all right, here" and he clotheslines him. Test, for a laugh, tries to bodyslam him - har har, ohh my back hurts because this is such a fat man I tried to lift. Rikishi scoops him up with ease - there's a slam.
Off the ropes with a legdrop. He's warming it up - into the ropes
with a fat ass splash. Test slumps down in the corner - must be time for
the stinkface. Hey, remember when this guy used the Rikishi Driver? I
wonder whatever happened to that move. Stratus gets up on the
apron...well, geez, he already HIT the stinkface, you're too late to help
him NOW. Rikishi still walks over - but sidesteps Test's charge. Test
ends up kneeing Trish off the apron to the floor. Samoan Drop for Test -
1, 2, 3! Why'd Long say "three minutes" before counting the
Ahh, here's A & BALD
VENIS and it's a doubleteam - now tripleteam on
Rikishi. Say, you think this beatdown will last three minutes? Venis with
the STEEL steps - and running them into Rikishi - and even his hard Samoan
head can't hand THAT. TOO
COOL are out to join the fray - but Stratus'
stable has to have the way just a bit longer - okay, now they can turn the
tide. Rikishi and Test fighting off to one side of the ramp - Sexay and
Venis fighting at the bottom of the ramp - and Albert and Hotty fighting UP
the ramp - Hotty actually swinging from the bottom of the EntertainmentTron
with two boots - and there's a bulldog. Aw hell, he's gonna do the worm up
on the stage? That's GOTTA hurt. Venis is up post-karate chop, got Hotty
- and tossing him off the stage! Hotty with a nice flip and landing on his
back on the padding - I mean, floor. Thus ends our three minutes,
methinks. Venis makes an "intense" face while Rikishi and Sexay show
concern at the feet of their fallen comrade.
Fully Loaded promo #2
Moments Ago - yeah, you seen it already. During the Break, Hotty made the stretcher run.
Kevin Kelly stands with Stable Stratus and somehow turns Hotty's injury into "Why Rikishi?" "You know something, Rikishi represents everything I used to be! Doing everything in his power to please the fans - dancing at the drop of a hat just for the cheers of the fans! I used to gyrate just for the cheers of the fans! Giving competitors stinkyfaces just for the cheers of the fans! I used to come up with clever sexual innuendos just for the cheers of the fans! Yet I did nothing - NOTHING - for me - and that made me sick! Well buddy old pal heh heh, times have changed, and those days of utterings those words - 'Hello Ladies' - have gone by the wayside, and gold has come waistside, so chump, come this Sunday, Fully Loaded, I promise you this, I will not be a hard man to find, no, in fact I will be standing dead square in the middle of the ring surrounded by a steel cage, waiting for the cheers of those fans to turn to sorrow as I beat Rikishi within an inch of his damn life, and I promise you this: I will not be doin' it for the fans - I'll be doin' it for me."
To WWF New York we go - who's there tonight? It's KAI EN TAI! And they're DRUNK!
To Triple H's dressing room, and a knock at the door. "Listen, Triple H. I know we have this match coming up next. So I have a few ideas, and this is what I'm thinking--" "Hold on. You thinking? As far as that goes, nothing good's gonna come of it. All right, let's get this straight, Kurt. I don't like you. I don't trust you. But the fact of the matter is tonight I'm stuck with you as my partner. Now, if you stay out of my way, we can put our differences aside and we can get through this - all right? Deal?" "Deal. You wanna shake on it - or do you just wanna hug?" "Don't. Screw. This. Up." Angle with a smirk after H turns away...
Undertaker and Kane are WALKING! Kane reaches behind him - and tosses tobacco to Undertaker. Oh no - Undertaker's HOOKED HIM ON THE DIP!! Or maybe Kane was just holding it for him...I can't really see him chewing with that mask on...
Commentators shill USA's "The War Next Door"
KING KURT ANGLE and THE NEW
(with Stephanie Ono) v. UNDERTAKER & KANE - Is it
just me or do Stephanie's makeup and wardrobe choices get more hideous
with each passing show? It's GOTTA be planned - right? No bike for the
Badass - the mind-reading STEEL steps stay put - increible!! 'Taker makes
a beeline for Angle, who hotfoots it around the outside of the ring,
*into* the ring...and into Kane. Oops. That's a big right handed
clothesline. Into the ropes, big back body drop. Uppercut. Head to the
top turnbuckle. Into the opposite corner - clothesline - on the shoulder
- Angle breaks free. Kane tags Undertaker, and Angle can't move fast
enough to tag out to Triple H. Don't know WHAT he's telling Angle to do
there, but if it was distract Undertaker, it didn't work - soupbone!
Soupbone! Into the opposite corner, clothesline follows. H staggers out -
into a sidewalk slam. 1, 2, Angle makes the save! Undertaker shoots a
look Angle's way and he not only leaves the ring, but hops over the
barricade and jumps into the front row. Undertaker back over to H - into
the opposite corner, back elbow by H. Running clothesline. Tag to Angle.
Right, tag to Triple H. Angle is a scared, SMART man. H asking Angle
what's up - Undertaker over to grab him - soupbone! Left, soupbone,
leftsoupboneleftsoupboneleftsoupboneleft, soupbone, elbow, trying to give
Angle a shot but he jumps down to the floor. H staggers into a right from
Kane. Kane gets the tag. Undertaker puts him in - and Kane catches him
in a double choke...then drops him. H put in the corner - right, right,
back elbow, into the ropes, hea ddown, kick by H, clothseline ducked, H
with the hangman's neckbreaker, tag to Kane, H with one more kick, Angle
trying to keep an eye behind him on the Undertaker, kick, right, right,
look back, right, Kane fighting out, Angle right, Kane right, back elbow,
H dropping his throat on the top rope while Angle hits a chop block.
Elbow to the back of the head, elbow, tag to H, right, H in, shoulder,
shoulder, up for the suplex but it's blocked. Angle in with a shot to
Kane's open side - trying to get him up for the DOUBLE suplex - but Kane
blocks it. Kane with a double suplex of his own. Yikes! Angle goes
outside while Kane punches H - into the ropes, there's a big boot by Kane.
Got him on his shoulder - powerslam. Ross: "I thought that might be the
tombstone piledriver." Yeah, right, YOU BASTARD. Kane up top - "flying"
clothesline - 1, 2, Angle breaks it up - Undertaker is in with a big boot,
and tossing him to the outside...and following! Angle hits the commentary
table and goes over. 'Taker isn't done with him. The chase is on as
inside the ring Kane throws random elbow to H. Angle is off, up the side
ot the stage and 'Taker is following. In the ring, H has managed to go to
the eyes (through the mask?), gutshot, Pedigree coming up - but
JERICHO is trying to fight his way from the top fo
the ramp through the refs & officials to get to Triple H! H, seeing
Jericho, stops cold - and ends up on the wrong end of a Kane backdrop.
Chokeslam! Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner in position - 1, 2, 3!
music briefly plays before Jericho finds his way into the ring - his ribs
are taped (good thing he's shirtless so we can see the plot device!) - he
gets a few shots in on H before the refs can break them up. H staggers to
the outside with a ref on each side...Jericho running to the ropes -
PESCADO!! Jericho gets in some more licks before Garea & Slaughter manage
to get them broken up again. Play his music! 11:07 is too late for this
show - SEE YA!