/14 August 2000
WWF RAW is WAR
UPDATE: A week
ago, the WrestleManiacs ECW recapper encouraged people to
write letters to me about picking up the ECW report should they start
airing on Mondays, or on USA, or something. Unfortunately, It is my sad
duty to inform the public at large that the number of letters I have
Somebody please tell him for me - not only is he not reading my stuff anymore (or so he says), but I've apparently been blackholed from sending him email...under penalty of *lawsuit!* Can you BELIEVE that?
Why - WHY do people start things they don't WANT me to finish?
QUICK QUOTE: WWFE 19 7/16 (- 1 5/16)
TONIGHT: From Hyatte Arena, another wacky night of a show that can coast until the competition forces otherwise. Kurt Angle, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, Triple H, the Rock - all we have to do is SAY THE NAMES and you'll come running like a faithful dog. That's right, you're a DOG. A DOG
Man, I *still* can't get used to seeing "Nash Bridges" instead of "Walker: Texas Ranger." Of course, we used to say that we missed the "Murder: She Wrote" credits...
One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
TV-14-DLV - close captioned is a registered trademark of the opening credits
AHHHH!! Didn't expect that PYRO - WE ARE LIVE from the Providence Civic Centre in Providence, RI (and WWF New York) - Ross promises "a loaded lineup tonight," which makes me wonder HOW they got loaded. It's 14.8.2K and they're already wondering when the marriage will end...before, or after SummerSlam. Perhaps we'll find out tonight - HERE on USA...when....RAW IS WAR!!
LAST THURSDAY: This happened - and that - and that - strange that they put the video package HERE, i'n't it?
Hot on the heels of ...well, anyway, here's KING KURT ANGLE to lead it off. Tonight, Undertaker takes on Chris Benoit, Rikishi vs. D & X, Chris Jericho gets an IC title shot against Val Venis and shhh....Angle's got something to say. "First of all, I would like to say, as a representative of all fifty states, it is my pleasure to be here in Rhode Island...and America may see you as the insignificant, nothing state - but I don't! And speaking of insignificance - Hunter, what you did to me on SmackDown! was anything BUT insignificant. Leaving me like you did was gutless, cowardly, and just plain wrong. And it reminds me of a person I met, that I had the displeasure of meeting during my Olympic days - Tonya Harding. And Hunter, you may be a world class athlete, but like Tonya Harding, you do not possess one iota of integrity. What you did to me was the equivalent of what Tonya Harding did to poor Nancy Kerrigan. And just like Nancy Kerrigan, I asked 'why me? Why me, Hunter?' What is it that you don't like about me? You haven't liked me since the day I entered the WWF - I mean, you tried to sabotage my undefeated streak...and when you were WWF Champion (and I emphasize *were* WWF Champion), you did not give me one title shot. And this list goes on! But I finally figured it out. It comes down to one thing: pure unbridled jealousy. And Hunter, let's face the facts. In nine short months, I've accomplished things that took you years to accomplish. Oh, it's true it's true. In nine short months, I've won titles, I've won tournaments, and the accolades go ON AND ON AND ON...while, Hunter, in YOUR first nine months, you were doin' *Hog Pen matches* or some stuff like that. So, Hunter, it comes down to this. You are a bitter and jealous man, and it pains me to see Stephanie, my friend - MY FRIEND - who is as gentle of a soul of a person that you could possibly b'lieve, and she has to be saddled with a loser like you, and furthermore, I would like to--" Well, here comes THE NEW MAN, removing shirt and powerwalking to the ring. Hey, when'd he become a face? Before they can go at it, however, SKIPPY slides in to come between them and keep them from starting anything. Shane takes the mic and says "Chill out" a few hundred times along with "yoyoyoyoyo," and says that they two are "killing Stephanie." Last week, Stephanie almost got chokeslammed, and DID get the Rock Bottom, all because of their bickering. Shane says he doesn't know if Stephanie will even show tonight. Hunter was wrong on Thursday - you never leave your tag team partner. And Kurt was wrong in calling Triple H a loser in front of a worldwide television audience. Shane tells H Angle would never break up his marriage, and tells H that Stephanie would never marry a loser. Shane tells them that the focus is the Rock, and the WWF Championship - they each need to focus on that one goal. COMMISSIONER McFOLEY comes out...no doubt to stir the pot a bit. "Shane, I've got to admit, Shane, I'm somewhat touched by you trying to bring the family in together - the only thing I compare it to was when Michael and Hope Steadman were having marital problems, but they put that aside to help out Elliot because they knew that Nancy was striken..." Angle: "...ovarian cancer! I saw that one." "Hahaha! Ovarian cancer, indeed she was. But Shane, what I'm trying to say it, I agree with you. Triple H and Kurt Angle SHOULD be joining forces to take on the Rock. And because I am your commission-eer, I am going to grant your wish right here...in Providence, Rhode Island! Yeah! When your two boys, Olympic Champion Kurt Angle - former WWF Champion Triple H - take on - take on the Dudley Boyz...and their tag team partner, the Rock." Shane expresses outrage at the unfairness of a 3-on-2 situation. Foley says there's only one man strong enough to keep this team together...Shane himself. He'll be the third man for his side of this big six man main event. "...and just to ensure that I don't ever have to listen to a boring 'oh you left me,' 'no you left me' promo again, I am adding this very simple stipulation. If either Triple H or Kurt Angle walks out on this match, then that person automatically loses their #1 Contender slot for SummerSlam. Think about that and...have a nice day!"
Chris Beonit arrives at the arena - and he's WALKING! He pounds on the door of the "VISITORS LOCKER ROOM" as it's locked...but out comes Chris Jericho! He does a bit of damage before Lombardi and three refs pull him off...
Highlander: Endgame ad (without Edge)
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago where Jericho snapped - he musta
learned that from Shamrock.
Coming back live, Benoit is WALKING! Shane, running behind him, tries to get his attention focused away from Jericho and onto Undertaker.
Meanwhile, at the office of the APA, the members of Kaientai come a-knockin' - well, Funaki thinks it's a bad idea, but Taka tells him "we have to." "We are so sorry about bad cheque." "Very sorry - please don't beat us...we wanna make out with you." "What?" Faarooq suggests that Funaki wants to slip Bradshaw the tongue - he's ready to dive when Michinoku corrects his partner. "Nonono - make UP." Taka produces a fistful of yen, while Funaki promises beer. Faarooq holds HIS partner back. "Hold on, now. Keep talking." "We will take you to bar for night on town." "And...BEER." "They might be onto something." "I believe they are...and the money DOES mean a lot." "To show you we are AOK with APO!" "And...BEER!" Bradshaw says he knows just the place...
EDDIE GUERRERO (with That Slut Chyna) and STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) v. T&A (with Trish Stratus - the fitness model) - Let Us Take You Back to Thursday as Blackman defeated Albert (or "Prince Albert," as Ross called him) in a Hardcore title defense...and post-match, Venis and Albert surprised Blackman with a 2-on-1 beatdown. That *sorta* sets up this match. Commentators wish Dave Hebner well. Blackman and Test start. Test with a knee, forearm, right, kick, into the opposite corner, Blackman puts up an elbow - Test runs into a superkick, running clothesline. Blackman outside to find some plundah - say, this isn't a hardcore matchup. Test grabs Blackman before he can produce weaponry, but he DOES drop down with a hot shot on Test. Back in the ring, Blackman stomps and tags Guerrero, who comes in with his trademark slingshot senton. Stomp, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, Albert with a shot to the back, Guerrero walks into a tilt-a-whirl slam. Tag to Albert. Head to the buckle. Into the opposite corner, do si do avalanche by Albert, into Test's big boot. Albert still on him - backbreaker - holding on for a second backbreaker - STILL holding on - giant press into the Argentine bomb for 2 - Blackman breaks it up. Guerrero tries a few punches but they have no effect on the big man - into the ropes, picking him up but Guerrero dropkicks him. Tazz in action tonight! Guerrero dropkicks the knees and makes the tag. Albert manages a tag as well. Superkick for Test, side kick for Albert, dropkick for Test, ducking a clothesline, spinning kick for Albert. Blackman: "WHO'S NEXT?" *Blackman is Goldberg* Guerrero with a missile dropkick on Albert, just for fun. Ducking a clothesline from Test, who comes off the ropes and right into the Lethal Kick. Blackman hooking the leg but Albert's found a kendo stick on his way back in - Chyna on the apron to try to stop it but all she does is ensure that referee "Blind" Chad Patton completely misses the whack. Test covers - 1, 2, 3. (2:35) Blackman just doesn't have it in tag team matches, does he?
We go outside where Kurt Angle stands with an umbrella as a limousine pulls up. He THOUGHT it might be Stephanie. "Here, stay out of the rain..." As he gets her bag (and she acts appreciative), we cut to see Triple H watching this on a monitor...and getting unhappy. Angle says he wanted to thank Stephanie for coming back to him on SmackDown! - something a true friend would do. Angle even goes so far as to give her a peck on the cheek. H reacts well to THIS as well. Triple H leaves his dressing room...
SummerSlam promo has an awful lot of soap opera overtones, as the Triple Threat match is hyped
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago, Because On This Show We Play EVERYTHING Twice
Coming back live, Stephanie is WALKING! Various folks make cameos by saying "hi" as they walk by. Triple H meets her and asks "Hey, how's your friend, Kurt Angle, today? Kurt Angle, you know, the guy that was just standing out there waiting for you to arrive to the building so he could kiss all over ya. You know, I'm standing in the back, waiting for you here, where I should be, Kurt Angle's out front waiting for you in a special place, just for you, but you guys are just friends, right?" H goes back to Thursday and asks his wife why she wasn't at HIS side, but instead went back to her "friend," Kurt Angle. He has to go back to help her, and gets chokeslammed for his troubles..."friends, my ass." Stephanie turns on the water works. "Maybe I should just leave - maybe I shouldn't be here tonight." "Maybe you should."
RIGHT TO CENSOR & STEVEN RICHARDS are out. Let Us Take You Back to Last Monday, where Goodfather powerbombed Ho Victoria straight to hell - I mean, through a table.
Cutting to Thursday, where Victoria vowed
litigation from her hospital bed. Richards: "We are warning you people,
and we are not the only ones, because there are groups out there just like
the Right to Censor who care about your children. There are such groups
who know what's best for your children. Even if you do not. And if the
World Wrestling Federation and Hollywood does not clean up its act, then
the Right to Censor certainly will. Laws will be passed that will curtail
the sexuality and violence that runs rampant here in the WWF, and until
such laws are passed, the Right to Censor will do our part to win the good
fight! Which is why we've challenged the unwholesome trio of the Hardy
Boyz and Lita. Three people whose actions and attire the youth of American
may emulate, right down to Lita's disgustingly lewd undergarments. Well,
the Right to Censor says NO MORE.
RIGHT TO CENSOR (with Steven Richards) v. HARDY BOYZ & LITA in a handicap match - the Hardyz hit the ring and it's on. The RTC take control and, after referee "Blind" Jim Korderas restores order, it's Goodfather and Jeff Hardy. Into the ropes, Hardy holds on, then dropkicks through the ropes to Richards on the floor! Goodfather out after him - the chase is on - tag to Matt as Goodfather isn't looking, Jeff ducks a clothesline, Goodfather off the ropes, caught by BOTH Hardys, into the ropes, double back elbow, fistdrop/senton combo. Matt covers - 1. Right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed by Goodfather into a short clothesline - neat! Tag to Buchanan, who runs into a drop toehold. Tag to Jeff - right, right, left, right, off the ropes, clothesline ducked, Buchanan scoops him up in the atomic drop position - then just throws him over the top rope to the floor - yikes. Goodfather, on the outside, comes over to drop Jeff on the apron, then roll him back in to Buchanan. In the corner, right, left, right, left, right, right, right, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, Chef Boyardee brings you a double feature of the toss over the ropes. Head to Goodfather's boot - and a tag. Goodfather in...into the ropes, double big boot. Goodfather throws a right. Hardy tries a punch - Goodfather repeatedly stomps him down. Standing on his head and using the ropes for leverage. Death suplex gets 2. Hardy put in the unfriendly corner, tag, two boots from Goodfather, two from Buchanan, into the ropes, overhead press and slam. Into the corner, follow clothesline, back to the first corner, Hardy sidesteps the charge and both men are hurt. Buchanan makes the tag. Now Jeff makes the hot tag - duck, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, Hardy manages a flying clothesline. Head to the mat, right for Buchanan. Jeff joins Matt in the ring - Goodfather put into the opposite corner, Poetry in Motion coming up. Buchanan rushes Jeff, but he ducks and dumps him over the top to the floor. Matt punching Goodfather while Jeff climbs the corner - and leaps the other way, onto the floor with a towering double axehandle to Buchanan! In the ring, gutshot by Matt, right, but Buchanan is in and gets him from behind. Into the ropes, double...well, who knows - Matt counters into a double DDT! Matt backs into his own corner, and Lita decides the only way she'll get into this is if she tags HERSELF in...so she does. Lita on top - moonsault, and she ends up kicking Goodfather RIGHT in the mush. Lita on top again...crossbody to the floor! But Richards is laying in wait, and as soon as she gets up and off of Buchanan, he hits her with the Stevenkick. Richards puts her limp, lifeless carcass in the ring - feel the power of the Stevenkick. Goodfather has Lita up on his shoulder - sayyyy, that's the Shango shoulderbreaker! 1, 2, 3. (5:00) The Hardyz immediately get some shots in and the battle spills outside. EDGE & CHRISTIAN come out with chairs...presumably to give Lita the same headache they gave Jeff a couple weeks ago. Matt dives and grabs Lita on the way down - and the chairs miss. Edge stomps away on Matt...then delivers him to Christian, who puts Hardy into a Tomokaze on the STEEL chair. Commentators fail to mention that this is the same move that broke his nose earlier this year, but I guess that's why I'm here. Edge's music plays as the tag team champions walk off triumphantly.
The unblinking eye of the WWF camera catches a car pulling up to the Friendly Tap....ah....
We cut to another camera inside, where the APA and Kaientai are doing shots. Faarooq: "What are we gon' drink now?" Taka: "Sucky!" No, he actually said "sake!" Faarooq learns Bradshaw on sake. "I ain't drinkin' nothin' warm! ...Cold beer for all of us - and Kamikazes fer mah buddies!" Faarooq relives Michinoku of the rest of his money to pay for the round.
Meanwhile, outside the arena, Stephanie is WALKING! And crying. Shane catches up to her just in time. "I have to leave, Shane. Shane, my own husband doesn't want me here!" Shane tries to persuade her to stay, but her mind can't be changed. We see the car drive off...
Moments Ago, Lita, Richards, Goodfather, Edge, Christian, Matt Hardy...and a cast of thousands
EDGE & CHRISTIAN are out again, with two belts...and two chairs. Ross: "They've used those chairs, they got a Ph.D. in....in steel chairs, I'll tell ya!" They each stand up the chairs in the ring...and sit down. "Do actions speak louder than words? Well, you just saw our actions - now hear our words. We are out here for one reason only. Due to the unfair treatment that we have received
at the hands of the Hardyz, the
Dudleyz, and especially Mick Foley, we are TOTALLY out here to stage a
sitdown strike! I want you to see what we're talking about, roll the
footage from SmackDown! Here we are, on our way to another totally
successful title retention, when lo and behold, we are brutally attacked by
the Hardyz and Dudleyz! And, what does Commissioner Mick Foley do about
it? Just like the people from this city do with their lives - ha ha -
absolutely nothing! He just sat back, ate some cotton candy and scratched
himself while we were handed a bucketful of heinosity!" "And this is why
Edge and I took matters into our own hands and did what we did to poor
Matthew Hardy. You see, we're not moving from this spot until we're served
with a big bowl of justice soup! ...and Mick Foley himeslf assures us that
we have been receiveing unfair treatment...and it will end, because if it
doesn't end, there will SO be extreme ramiprecussions!" Here comes
to offer rebuttal. "Hey Edge, Edgester, Christian, I
thought we had a relationship! And now you come out here (in Providence,
Rhode Island) and hurt me with your hateful words? Well all I can say is
after watching not only your heinous acts against Matt Hardy, but Jeff
Hardly, the Dudleyz, Kane, Dean Malenko, not to mention what you tried to
do to Lita, all I can say is the two of you are SO lacking in testicular
fortitude! That being said, I will admit that you two have a point, and
sometimes I think you guys are psychic. Because while those acts of
heinyosity were going on, many times I actually was eating cotton candy and
scratching myself! So, I have decided to make a decision right now, and I
think you're going to like it. A decision that says at SummerSlam, the
Hardyz and the Dudleyz CAN NOT interfere with tables and ladders in your
match! Yeah! Long distance high five, guys, c'mon - wooo! You see, it's
going to be impossible for them to interfere in your match with tables and
ladders, because they are going to be IN your match! With tables and
ladders. And if I were you two dudes, I'd bring those chairs as well,
because it's going to be SummerSlam - it's going to be Edge & Christian
against the Hardyz against the Dudleyz in a TLC match - Tables and Ladders
and Chairs - oh my! Tables and Ladders and Chairs, oh my!" Foley keeps
saying "Table and Ladders and Chairs" so the crowd can say "oh my!"
To the dressing room, where Shane attempts to engage Triple H in conversation of Foley's matchmaking skills, but H doesn't care much for that. He'd rather talk about the six man tonight - he knows he said he'd try to keep the peace with Angle...but he can't do that anymore. It's Angle's fault his wife is crying. He's gonna finish it tonight. Shane asks him to calm down. They'll work it out later tonight...but first, he needs to walk out with Benoit in this upcoming match...
Meanwhile, Undertaker is...RIDING!
SummerSlam promo - the Chyna and the fat dude one
Geez, that's some LO-TECH marquee they got out there at the Providence Civic Center. Also, it's 66 degrees out
Tonight, RAW is WAR is brought to you by Burger, 1-800-CAL-LATT, and Bally Nipples - I mean, Total Fitness
Shane and Benoit are WALKING! Shane takes time to tell Edge & Christian that he'll help take care of the TLC thing later, but chill out for now. Take a drink every time Shane says "Chill out" and you'll be in a coma
THE GHOST RIDER (with a big-ass floodlight on his Beautiful Titan Bike) v. CHRIS BENOIT (with Skippy - his friend...and the RAW Credits & TV-14-DLV ratings box) - Let Us Take You Back Two Weeks to SmackDown! where Big Show chokeslammed Kane through a hole he made in the stage. I wasn't listening, but I guess Undertaker has decided to go through ALL of the Friendly Alliance in order to get some revenge for his half-brother, or something. Ahh, who cares. Benoit tries to get the jump but eats a soupbone instead. He likes the taste so much he eats ANOTHER soupbone. Head to the buckle, back elbow, soupbone, lunging for referee "Blind" Mike Chioda (who heads for the outside real quick-like), whip into the opposite corner, Benoit gets the boots up. Right. Into the corner, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, right, shoving away Chioda, back into a double choke - in the corner, soupbone, left, soupbone, left, soupbone, left, soupbone, that's the THIRD time Chioda's had to fall backwards - maybe he should just go back to the locker room and let these two slug it out until one of them's dead. Irish whip into the opposite corner - followup clothesline. Big ol' sidewalk slam. Off the ropes...elbowdrop misses. Benoit with a gutshot, right, into the ropes, reversed, big boot but Benoit tumbles under it, dropkick to the knee puts the Reaper on the mat. Benoit kicks the head. Off the ropes, boots to the shoulder, off the ropes, kick, Undertaker grabs the leg, Benoit enzuigiris him with the OTHER leg. "That's it!" Benoit's decided to go for the swandive headbutt this early...and it hits! 1, 2, NO! Maybe too early after all. Benoit gets up...Euro elbow, kick, into the ropes is reversed, Benoit ducks, Benoit caught in a choke...Benoit kicks the knee, breaking the hold. Right hand, off the ropes, caught in a big boot. 'Taker puts Benoit in the ropes, big back body drop. Poised...ready to strike - big clothesline. Undertaker raises his arm...it's time for the tombstone...dammit, I mean Last Ride.
Anyway, Shane comes in with a chair to the back, making sure we
don't get that clean finish (DQ
2:54) Shane flies with another chair to
the head. Benoit puts on the Crippler crossface as Shane chases the ref
outside the ring. Shane adds some boots to 'Taker's head. The pyro of
Kane goes off...and now, to "Theme from Kane," here *comes*
to the ring. Shane and Benoit quickly scatter. Kane turns to pick up
Undertaker...and gets him in the goozle! CHOKESLAM! Hey, how about a
second clothesline? THIS one actually puts him "through the ring." I
think his head landed on the wrong spot, too. Owch. "How's it feel?"
Kane leaves the ring, climbs on That Beautiful Titan Bike...and drives off.
What the hell was THAT about?
From Los Angeles and the Democratic National Convention, MICHAEL KING COLE announces that the Rock *and* Chyna will appear Wednesday night. "We're hoping the Democrats give the Rock and Chyna the same type of treatment as we've received from the Republicans just a couple of weeks ago." Say, why didn't they attend the Reform Party Convention? EITHER of them?
Moments Ago - looking at it again, it SURE looks like he conked his noodle pretty good on the corner of that breakway bit there - hey here's another angle
Coming back live, Undertaker holds his left elbow and swears. "I will get his ass for this..."
Shane leaves Chris Benoit to have a private moment with Kurt Angle. "This 'friends' thing...I don't like where this is going...listen, I see the way you're looking at Stephanie, and I'm not buying it either." Shane warns him to not screw up the marriage. Angle gives stunned disbelief that Shane is questioning his integrity. "I need to be alone."
Meanwhile, at the Friendly Tap, a couple of other patrons express outrage at the loud, jester-like behaviour of the men from the Orient and threaten to do some asskicking. This brings the Acolytes up...and minds are changed. Bradshaw suggests to Taka that he buy these guys a round of Kamikazes. I think Taka just threatened to choppy-choppy his pee-pee!
Meanwhile, back at the ring, the ring crew (aka "the referee corps") works on reconstructing the ring
Hey, why not one more replay of that chokeslam (which Ross is now proclaiming "scintillating") to take us into break?
I'D like to pop the guy who came up with that "pop the lock" ad
And now the WWF Burn of the Week, brought to you by Stacker 2! It burns MONEY! From SmackDown!, Tazz has a tet a tet with Jerry Lawler.
Moments Ago (aka During the Break), the King walked up the ramp and away from ringside - we are told that Commissioner Foley requested he not be at ringside during the next match...
TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ v. CRASH (holly - with Scale) - Tazz immediately makes a beeline for JIM ROSS and starts the mouthin'. "Where's your buddy? Where's your boy? Where's your backup? Hah? Where is he, numb nuts...or should I say...numb face? Where's he at? I owe you...and I'm gonna get you." We don't really hear the rest of what he's saying as Crash comes out. Crash has a new career, by the way, involving coming out for matches and then not competing. Looks like he'll actually get ring time tonight as he grabs Tazz from behind, puts his head to the commentary table, then rolls him into the ring to start the match. For some inexplicable reason, Ross keeps calling him "Crash Holly" even though we've been asked by the WWF Storyline Style Sheet to please forget he has a last name. Tazz with a clothesline. Stomp, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, Crash with a flying jalapeno, climbing up top, missile dropkick gets 2. Into the corner is reversed, Crash up and over...onto the shoulders.
with a three storey spinebuster. Ross: "That's gonna take the starch outta
Tazz - err - outta Crash." Blatant choke for 4. Ripping at the face for
4. Stomp. Into the ropes, clothesline ducked, *Crash's* clothesline is
ducked, Tazzmission! Crash quickly taps (1:10) but Tazz isn't gonna
go. Finally, referee "Blind" Jack Doan convinces Tazz to let go - and he
immediately walks back outside to the commentary table. Ross: "aw crap..."
"Well how'd I do? Let me tell you something. I own you! We got
unfinished business - remember that?" Tazz repeatedly strikes himself in
the face. "You remember that?" Ross tries to send him on his merry way.
"Why don't you shut up? Let me tell you something - why don't you tell
these people why you wear that dumb-ass cowboy hat? Your hat that fits!"
He takes it and puts it on his own head. "Well, I'll tell you what,
cowboy...I tell you what." Ross to his feet. "Oh, you wanna fight? Do
you wanna go?" Tazz shoves Ross back to his seat, and he falls backwards
over BOTH chairs. Tazz standing over him threatening bodily harm - or
killin' - when, as you might expect, JERRY LAWLER runs down to
the part of the good knight. Right hand! Right hand! Refs and officials
separate them as Ross openly roots for Lawler to "break his damn jaw, that
son of a ..."
Meanwhile, Kurt Angle expresses disbelief that Shane McMahon is questioning his integrity in a monologue to the camera. "Where is it written that a guy and a girl can't be...just friends? And what is it with the sexual tension? I mean, I kiss my mom for goodness sakes!" This brings in Joe, who reveals in the strictest of confidence that in aboot half an hour, there's somebody who wants to meet him in the parking lot. Angle tells him to tell Triple H and Shane they can meet him there in the locker room - and he'll bring his....GOLD MEDALS! Joe says it's not Triple H and it's not Shane. He doesn't know WHO it is, though - that's all the information he's got.
Another Edge-free "Highlander: Endgame" ad
And now, the WWF Boot of the Week - brought to you by Lugz! From RAW and SmackDown! last week, Rikishi has fun with his own ass...and X-Pac
D & X (with "The Kings") v. RIKASHMONEY in a handicap match - Lawler cuts a brief promo on Tazz during the DX entrance. Right for Dogg, right for X-Pac, right for Dogg ... hmm, maybe they should have rushed him AT THE SAME TIME. X-Pac with a punch, kick, and now the numbers take over as they both stomp on him in the corner...until Rikishi shoves them both away. Right for Dogg, block, right for X-Pac, into the ropes, head down, Sunset flip attempt - ready to drop the bomb, but Dogg clotheslines him from behind to prevent it. Into the corner with a clothesline by X-Pac, clothesline by Dogg, X-Pac stands on the neck, time for a broncobuster, and there we are. X-Pac poses on the second rope. Rikishi staggers to the centre, where Dogg is waiting with HIS trademarks - left, left, left, juke, jive, but the right hand....well, Rikishi ducks it and Dogg ends up pasting...X-Pac. Yup, you read right. Riksihi puts Dogg out with a right, then goes over to X-Pac, right, right, right, right, Dogg from behind. Double clothesline for Rikishi. Guess they're okay....DOUBLE VULCAN NECK PINCH! That might be the COOLEST thing they've done ALL YEAR. Referee "Blind" Teddy Long standing in but Rikishi won't give up. Arm falls once - arm falls twice - arm does not fall thrice. Back to his feet - double gutshot, again, breaking the hold, double noggin knocker, double clotheline, Samoan Drop for Dogg, right for X-Pac, whipped into Dogg, warming up his rump - fat ass splash on the stack. X-Pac wanders out into a superkick, while Dogg phlumps to the mat, allowing everyone's voice to rise as Rikishi waddles over for the stinkface. X-pac, on the outside, decides to lay out and watch this transpire....with a smile on his face. X-Pac really yukking it up for the benefit of our storyline. Rikishi putting a little extra wiggle into it. X-Pac in the ring...Rikishi catches him in a choke. Dogg trying to sneak in from behind - but meeting a right hand. X-Pac with a spinning heel kick, and he covers - Dogg on top of HIM and hooking the leg to boot. 1, 2, 3. (3:41) They continue stomping until TOO COOL come out to make the save and take THEM out of the ring. DX walks off - play Too Cool's music! NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE!
Michael King Cole stands with LINDA McMAHON from the Democratic National Convention. She announces that the WWF has registered over ten thousand voters in the past week. And at least a third of them are legitimate!! SMACK DOWN YOUR VOTE!
Meanwhile, at Triple H's dressing room, Joe reveals that someone wants to meet him in the parking lot in aboot ten minutes. H guesses that it's Stephanie.
The Kat, Chris Jericho, Kurt Angle, and Rikishi all grace limited
edition covers of TV Guide. Buy all four!
Out in the parking lot, Kurt Angle is pacing aboot.
WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with Earlier Tonight) v. BALD VENIS (with Trish Stratus - the fitness model) - Venis is wearing white trunks and white boots - he must think he's a member of Strike Force or something. Big ol' "Y2J" chant. Lockup, side headlock by Venis, powering out, shoulderblock by Venis. Up and over, leapfrog, Jericho with a flying jalapeno - oh, man, even ROSS is dogging Venis and his "1983 white boots - look like Mr. Wrestling II." Jericho with a right, right, into the ropes is reversed, ducked, chop, chop, chop, chop, kick, kick, kick, kick, right, into the opposite corner is reversed by Venis, Jericho puts up an elbow...but runs into a sleeper. Powering out, into the ropes...VENIS in the sleeper. Venis picks him up - and drops him into the Sorta Blue Thunder powerbomb. Stomp. Kicking the back, stomp, right to the back of the head. Head to the buckle. Venis with a chop, chop, into the opposite corner SO hard the picture goes out for a moment. Front face, vertical suplex. 1, 2, no. Venis still on him - right hand, camel clutch (yowza!) - Jericho won't give up. Jericho drops the butt. Right. Into the ropes, Jericho holds on. Jericho decides to go after him, but Venis catches the boot - Jericho DOES hit the enzuigiri, though. Both men down - Jericho pulling himself up by the ropes, right hand, right, right, into the ropes is reversed by Venis, head down, Jericho with a kick. Going for Venis, but he drops and dumps him onto the apron. Jericho to the corner, there's a super back elbow...for 2! Into the corner, Venis manages a drop toehold on the charging Jericho. Running clothesline into the corner. Going for a death suplex, but Jericho backflips out of it, gutshot, off the ropes, bulldog, Lionsault! 1...CHRIS BENOIT is in the ring. Well, payback's a bitch...I guess. (DQ 3:56) Jericho ducks a clothesline, right, off the ropes, running clothesline, Walls of Jericho! Venis over to clock him in the back of the head, saving Benoit. Benoit stomps on Jericho as Venis takes off. Benoit crotches him on the top rope. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, refs are out, Benoit shoving them aside to stomp on Jericho some more. Pretty cool. Benoit takes off...with a toothy (except one) grin on his face. Jericho is announced as the winner - Benoit turns around and goes back to beat on Jericho some more. Knee to the head, flapjack, STF! STF! The refs try really hard to convince Benoit to let go - play his music! Benoit finally lets go - and gives Jericho one more stomp on his way out.
Outside, Triple H and Kurt Angle meet up. I'm a little shocked that Triple H wasn't watching his monitor earlier - he should KNOW Angle is out here. Anyway, they each speculate that the other has called them out. Before they can realise that's it's all a WACKY misunderstanding, a limousine almost runs them down. (Angle: "What the ... HECK!") and they each walk to a limousine door....who's in it? Well, you don't want to know right NOW, do you? First, you should sit through
SummerSlam main event hype promo Chef Boyardee make noodle
Moments Ago...man, screw that! Who's in the damn car?
Coming back live, we are told that Angle and Triple H are IN the limousine, with...well, whoever was in there before.
Back to the Friendly Tap we go for a coda. The Kaientai folk are on the downside of a good buzz as Funaki is passed out on a table and Michinoku is slapping everybody wearing an APA shirt. Bradshaw: "I THINK it's about time you and your rising sun friend left!" "Oh...so sorry. We go." He grabs Funaki, who projectile spits all over the Acolytes. Funaki: "Haha...SAKE!" and he falls over again. Taka: "Aw hell!" The Acolytes proceed to demolish the Friendly Tap with the bodies of Kaientai. Sure enough, that one promoter dude with the hat is in the background, 'cause he apparently LIVES here or something. Faarooq: "Man, I'll be damned - this IS a Friendly Tap, huh?" Me: "Huh?" Faarooq suggests they have some sake anyway. "I ain't drinkin' it warm!" "Put some ice on it!"
Here's a look at WWF New York - and a GIANT SummerSlam ad
Inside, AL SNOW & HEAD kill some time - yuk yuk, he paid some guy off to say that his favourite WWF superstar is Al Snow - yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk - hey, folks, these are the yuks
Earlier Tonight, a CHOKESLAM FROM HELL - a Hurt Undertaker - and another CHOKESLAM FROM HELL
At the limousine, a long-faced Triple H and Kurt Angle exit...followed by a somber-faced...Vince McMahon. "Now...do I make myself clear? I don't give a damn which one of you two becomes WWF Champion, it doesn't matter to me. Okay? YOU nor you will ever again traumatize my daughter. When my baby girl calls me up crying on the phone...that's where I draw the line, and if she ever does it again, NEITHER one of you two will even want to be in the World Wrestling Federation, much less it's champion. Do we understand each other? Good luck in your six man match toinght. And by the way...look out for my son Shane as well."
The Dudley Boyz are WALKING!
Meanwhile, the Rock is WALKING!
Commentators shill tomorrow's USA Original movie, "The Darkling."
KING KURT ANGLE and SKIPPY and THE NEW MAN (with Chef Boyardee presents WWF SummerSlam!) v. DUDLEY BOYZ and LA ROCA - Hey, has Scherer ever rhetorically asked "Who sweats more - Shane McMahon or Whitney Houston?" That sounds like something I'd have to steal from him. Referee "Visit the Friendly Tap" Tim White actually manages to get this match to start out one on one, as Triple H and D-Von Dudley meet in the centre. Triple H does the old "point to the corner and waffle the man when he looks that way" trick to start. Right. Dudley blocks the next one, right, right, right, right, right, out of the corner, jumpin' back elbow as he comes back. Tag to Buh-Buh Ray, right, right, right, off the ropes, big back body drop, clothesline, 2 count. H ducks the next clothesline and hits the neckbreaker. Tag to...Shane? Flying clothesline. Right, right, right, right, right, clothesline is reversed, Dudley holds on, full nelson atomic drop.
Tag to Rock. Shane breaks free and makes the dive to the
corner, where he tags both men, just to be safe. They each decide to come
in...and now there's a bit of a debate as to which man will get his hands
on the Rock. Rock makes a double "just bring it" hand motion to settle the
argument. Angle goes for Rock, but White holds back H - something about
tag rules or something. Rock with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine,"
right, right, into the ropes, back elbow (ROCK ACTUALLY HITS A MOVE OFF A
WHIP!!!!!!!!), into the corner, running clothesline as Angle comes out.
Angle with...well, ref's in the way, but he's back in charge, right, right,
into the ropes, Rock holds on, side Russian legsweep for 2. Rock is "Mr.
Moveset." Head to a pair of Dudley boots in the corner, and a tag to
D-Von. Right, right, right to Triple H for good measure. Into the ropes,
reversed, H lowers the bridge and D-Von goes outside. Into the STEEL
steps...and back in to Angle. Stomp, stomp, vertical suplex gets 2. Crowd
chanting "we want Mabel" for some odd reason. (Okay, maybe not. Please
don't mail me "corrections.") Front face...tag to H, open kick. Head to
the buckle, kick, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Into the
ropes, clothesline. Tag to Shane. Rope a dope time, left, left, left, off
the ropes is ducked, D-Von manages a flying clothesline to put Shane
down...and they're BOTH down. D-Von crawls as Shane tags Angle. Hot tag
to the Rock! Down goes Angle! Down he goes again! Down goes Triple H!
Down HE goes again! Angle gets a Samoan Drop! H gets a gutshot and DDT!
Rock over to pull Shane back in over the top rope. Head to the buckle,
right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT! Angle over to take advantage of
a distracted Rock (still basking in the glow of the awesome power of his
almighty spit punch). Into the ropes, reversed, belly-to-belly Rockplex
with extra Rock sauce. H surprises Rock, now Buh-Buh Ray is in - scooping
up H...whoops, just ko'd White spinning him around. H slammed to the mat -
well, hell, with the ref out, it's GOTTA be okay to do the "wassup" spot,
right? You know, Triple H is selling ENTIRELY TOO MUCH in this match -
it's almost like he'll be turned face soon so we can forget all about how
much his ass is getting kicked right now! D-Von does the war dance,
Buh-Buh Ray requests the presence of a table, and they go outside to set it
up. Meanwhile, in the ring Rock is back up and stomping on Angle - Shane
is over with a shot from behind that has no effect, other than to cause the
Rock to spin around and give him a funny look. Rock grabs Shane by the
shirt, looks at the table, and tosses Shane over the top to the Dudleyz.
D-Von with a big right hand, then delivering him to his half-brother.
Gutshot, powerbomb through the table coming up...well, no, because
CHRISTIAN *didn't* leave after all. Edge with a
chair to D-Von. Buh-Buh
Ray lets go of Shane and turns around...and gets sandwiched by two chairs.
Rock spies this and leaves the ring - each tag team champion gets a right.
Shane punches Rock from behind, then takes him to the ring. Shane ready to
clothesline him - but Rock ducks it and catches him. Before he can do the
Rock Bottom, however, H makes the save. Angle stomp, H right, gutshot,
right, stomp, Angle kick, H right, Angle Olympic Slam, H Pedigree - damn, I
LOVE seeing the Rock get a big-time beatdown. Shane raises the arms of
both Angle and Triple H...and "No Chance in Hell" plays. They go back to
beating down the Rock (H stopping to give White a few stomps as well) and
with credits and WWF logo....this show is over.
(No contest? 7+)