If I haven't answered your email, it's 'cause I haven't had 'Net access for ... holy cow, ELEVEN days? SBC SUCKS! So, I'm sorry. If it makes you feel any better, I had lots of fun NOT on the computer for my three-day weekend. That and...geez, WHY would it make you feel any better? I'm starting to WORRY about you...write me again and I'll write back. Probably.

Last Thursday, Triple H got up close and personal with the law enforcement officers as a complaint of spousal abuse was called in against him. Stephanie, never one to say "no," stood in Angle's corner in the main event at Commissioner Foley's order...and eventually took a DDT from Chyna for her troubles. What's the fallout from all this? Find out...NEXT!

Close captioned - opening credits

PYRO AWAY - WE ARE LIVE (well, one hour of tape delay on the Pacific side) from WWF New York...and the Rupp Arena in Lexington, KY - Happy Labor Day 2000! FOUR (count 'em) huge main events await, sayeth JR, including a tag team title challenge for Rock & Undertaker - and an IC shot for Kurt Angle! Also, a tag team table match 'twixt the Dudleyz and Acolytes - AND another #1 Contender's match between Benoit and Kane...but first...

THE NEW MAN & STEPHANIE ONO are out...together. Stephanie is wearing her "cow" print top - and I think I can see her udders! "You know, in my career in the World Wrestling Federation, I've done some pretty terrible things - hell, I've done some pretty heinous things, and you know what? For the most part, I'm pretty damn proud of all of 'em. You see, but the one thing I've never done - I've never hidden who I am - I've never hidden what I do - when I've done something, and it's come time for payback, I've been the one standing tall. I took what I had coming - I never had a problem with it - you see, I can accept that. ["Slut!"] Now there are a few things that I can't accept - that is one of 'em - the other...the other thing I cannot accept is what happened to me Thursday night. ["Ass Hole!"] Believe me, I am every single thing that you say I am! I cannot accept what happened to me Thursday night, because Thursday on SmackDown! I should have been standing in the middle of This Very Ring. I should have been doing what I do better than any other person on this planet! I shoulda been proving to the world once again that I am the Game. I shoulda been proving to the world that I am That Damn Good! But instead, Thursday night, I sat in some hole in the wall North Carolina police department getting questioned over and over for hours on end about whether or not I purposefully hit my beautiful wife. On Thursday night I sat in that police department while my wife was forced to go to the ring with Kurt Angle and stand ringside, only to later be pummeled and beaten by Chyna In This Very Ring!" Hug. "And that, to me, is unacceptible. Now, I am not leaving this ring tonight until I get some answers - you see, I don't know who made that phone call to the police. I don't know who filed that report, but tonight I'm gonna find out. I will sit right here until that person stands up and gets what they have coming to them, so stand up, because it's time for payback." Here comes... COMMISSIONER McFOLEY? Did he do it? "Triple H, what happened to you on Thursday night was indeed serious business, and as commissioner of the WWF, I fully intend to get to the bottom of it and find out who the culprit truly is. Because what happened to you on Thursday not only ruined your evening, it ruined my SmackDown! main event. Now, in trying to figure out find out who might have just cause to harm Triple H, I was able to narrow the field down to..right about 357 people. But then I did some more thinking, and I thought maybe the culprit isn't a culprit at all - maybe it is a culpritess! (looks at Steph) After all, Stephanie, I've seen the gleam in your eye when Kurt Angle is around - and what better way to get rid of the jealous husband problem than to get rid of the jealous husband himself?" "Mick, you have some nerve! You have no idea the trauma I went through Thursday night when my husband...when my husband was being carried away to the police, and I had nothing to do with it - nothing!" "Okay, okay, wait, Steph, Steph Steph Steph, I get your point, I get your point, because, to tell you the truth, having Triple H incarcerated would have required a cold, calculated and clever plan, and that seems to put you out of the running right away. And besides, I think we both know who the culprit is, and I think we know that he's standing right In This Very Ring - isn't that right...*Triple H?*" "Foley, I know I've hit you in the head a thousand times - I know you're a little lost up there - but even *I* couldn't have done that much damage to your brain. Why would I call the police on myself?" "'Why would I want to call the police on myself?' A legitimate troubled query...or exactly the type of question you'd want us to ask? What better way than to pull at the heartstrings of your star-crossed wife? What better way to evoke sympahy from all of us? What better way, Triple H--" "...to prove to the world that you are the biggest jackass on the face of God's green earth? What, you don't think that I see through you? You don't think I see what you're doing? You're tryin' to turn this around on me? You're tryin' to make it seem like I was the one that called the police on myself? I saw that tape, Foley - I watched you run out to the police car. I watched you force my wife to accompany Kurt Angle to the ring instead of going to the police department where she should have been to defend me. Now, what I see standing before me, Foley, is not the roly-poly, happy-go-lucky, rotund little guy that all these people love so much...what I see is a miserable, twisted, manipulative guy that just wants to ruin my marriage at all costs because he's bitter and jealous over the fact that I ended his sorry-ass career!" "You raise quite a few legitimate points there, Triple H, but I happen to know that I'm not the culprit, because, first off, as the WWF Commissioner I carry diplomatic immunity, and second of all, I happen to know for a fact that I wouldn't do that type of thing! So...if it wasn't you, Triple H, and it wasn't you, Stephanie, and it wasn't me, there seems to be that there's only one likely candidate...Kurt Angle, come on down!" KING KURT ANGLE comes out

The Rock is WALKING! He's teaming up with the Undertaker later tonight, so don't go to bed just yet!

Yikes - twenty-five minutes down. Why do I feel several one and two minute segments coming up tonight?

Moments Ago - yeah, let's blow some MORE show time rehashing that opening segment - another angle of Angle attacking Triple H from behind - where'd Eddie and Chyna go during all this, anyway?

And now LA ROCA is out. Is this one of those nights where NOBODY wrestles? When they said "four main events," did they REALLY mean four interviews? Ohhh...he's just gonna provide guest commentary for the next main event - err, match...but not before taking Foley to task for forgetting who the WWF Champ was in the previous segment.

CHRIS BENOIT (with Let Us Take You Back) v. WELL IT'S KANE in a #1 Contender's match - Thursday, they tried to name a #1 Contender, but Kane interfered in Benoit's match with the Undertaker, so to punish him...they put HIM in the slot tonight. Umm, yeah. Hey, it'd be *cynical* of me to just assume an Undertaker run-in here, right?

The WWF Boot of the Week is brought to you by Lugz, aight? From last night on Heat, the Dudleyz interfered in the tag team main event, allowing T&A to steal a win from the Acolytes - this ALSO gave them a small measure of revenge from THEIR loss to Kaientai on SmackDown! Got all that?

Chyna shills Stacker 2.

WCW sneaks in a Fall Brawl promo in the local slot. "At New Blood Rising, WCW's biggest star did the unimaginable - he refused to follow the script! Now, if Vince Russo can't fire Goldberg, he'll have Scott Steiner destroy him. At Fall Brawl, two monsters go fist to fist with no script and one rule - two enter, one leaves! You cannot imagine what will happen until you see it - live! Order WCW Fall Brawl Sunday September 17th at 8 Eastern - live and only on pay-per-view!" Hmmm, hyping Goldberg vs. Steiner "with no script" - too bad WCW has ALREADY made this ad obsolete by (wisely) moving away from the "scripted/real" thing...can they do ANYTHING right? You'd almost be sympathetic with WCW if not for the fact that they totally S-U-C-K

Moments Ago - this clip was almost as long as the match, yo

THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ v. ACCOLADES (with Kai En Tai) in a table match - Dudleyz set up a table outside the ring during their entrance - just in case. Funaki & Michinoku are wearing APA T-shirts and follow behind the Acolytes with their Japanese flags. Pier Four Brawl to start - Bradshaw clotheslines D-Von to the outside, while Faarooq powerbombs Buh-Buh RAY *in* the ring. D-Von reverses a whip into the STEEL steps - Bradshaw hits hard. In the ring, Buh-Buh Ray ducks a clothesline and hits a death suplex. Calling to D-Von for the "wassup" spot - almost too far out for D-Von's leap. D-Von, get the table - but they go outside to get one from under the ring. Hey, use the one *you already done set up.* Bradshaw finally makes it back in the ring - big boot to the table puts both Dudleyz down. Clothesline from Hell for D-Von. Bradshaw sets up the table while Faarooq and Buh-Buh Ray brawl on the outside. Bradshaw puts D-Von on the top turnbuckle while Buh-Buh Ray gets in the ring - Kaientai grab a flag and run to clothesline Dudley with it - only he ducks and they nail *Faarooq*, who was coming in behind him. Buh-Buh Ray takes the opportunity to slip in on Bradshaw's superplex attempt, and powerbomb him backwards through the table for the win. (1:51) Kaientai quickly go into "so solly" mode (funny, I thought they were *Japanese*), but the 'lytes don't want none of that, quickly putting both men down (CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL! SPINEBUSTER!). Bradshaw brings the Dudleyz' table in and powerbombs Michinoku through it - then Faarooq gives Funaki the Dominator on top of THAT pile. Maybe Togo and Teoh will come back someday and help Kaientai rule the WWF the way they were meant to...I'm guessing...not.

Mick Foley throws darts at an Al Snow promotional photo until Eddie Guerrero pays a visit. He can't book a Chyna/Angle title match! He won't be able to protect his mamacita in the corner - he can only do it in the ring! Foley says he'll make it a Triple Threat match...just for him.

"WWF Divas: Postcard from the Caribbean," "Tables, Ladders & Chairs," and "WrestleMania 2000: the DVD" ad

WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: BAZOOKA JO(ANI)E v. KING KURT ANGLE v. EDDIE GUERRERO in a Triple Threat match - Don't treat her like a woman! Guerrero sneaks up from behind on Angle and it's on. Clubbing blow, right, right, right, into the ring for Chyna. Crappy elbow, right from Guerrero, right, right, Chyna kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, Guerrero sneaking some in as well. Whip into the opposite corner is reversed, and Chyna goes over the top to the floor! Guerrero over to Angle with a right rightm left, right, right, right, kick, kick, kick, stomp, stomp, arguing with referee "Blind" Jack Doan, clothesline. Right hand. Into the ropes is reversed, nice belly-to-belly overhead release suplex - Angle hooks the leg - 1, 2, Chyna breaks it up. Field goal kick by Chyna. Kick, kick, right by Guerrero, double whip into the ropes, double flapjack. Double suplex coming up - very nice. "Mamacita - it's all yours." But Angle kicks out at 2. Chyna stomps on him. Shot from Chyna. Doubleteam continues - into the ropes, double clothesline ducked, Eddie ducks Angle's clothesline, but Chyna doesn't - Angle goes left-handed for her clothesline. Angle collides with Guerrero, who goes outside. Angle over to Chyna - right, right, into the ropes, clothesline. Angle outside to pound on Guerrero - and now he's got a chair. Edge of the chair to Guerrero - going for him again, but Chyna is out of the ring to make a save. Crappy elbow, rolled into the ring, Chyna follows, elbow, into the ropes, clothesline. Another clothesline. Into the ropes, Angle ducks - death suplex. Guerrero brings the chair in, but Doan sees it and stands in his way. As they argue, Angle grabs the IC belt and waffles Chyna with it. Guerrero with a dropkick for Angle - and a suplex that takes him out of the ring. Guerrero goes to follow...but stops short, turns around and sees Chyna's carcass in the middle of the ring. How many of you were screaming "Cover her!" at this moment? Guerrero looks back to Angle and starts towards him - but looks back again. No, he'll go through the ropes and get Angle--no, he needs to check on his mamacita. She's out cold. Guerrero with a big hug - leaning back to the mat, where Doan dutifully counts a 1, 2, 3 - ladies and gentlemen, we have a new Intercontinental champion. (4:05) The look on Guerrero's face as he realises what's just happened is priceless. "What just...ohhhhhh..." Guerrero tries to refuse the belt...then seems to warm to the idea. Looking back at Chyna, who stirs...Eddie drops the belt behind his back, which gets a laugh from the part of the crowd that was watching, then moves over to Chyna. He helps her out of the ring. Chyna hasn't yet figured that Eddie's music is playing, apparently. Eddie is ready to leave with Chyna - but looks back and sees the belt. He leaves her on the apron for a minute so he can go back and get it! But he keeps it behind as back as he helps Chyna back up the ramp...

In the locker room, Test licks his chops at the chance to get him some o' Triple H tonight - he can't WAIT to see the look on the (beep)'s face when he gets his arm raised in victory!

Meanwhile, Stephanie asks her husband if he's going to let Test get away with calling her a (beep) on national television, is he? She also promises that if Trish gets involved, in any way, she's gonna... "You are gonna do absolutely nothing - you know why? Because you're gonna be out there. You are gonna be sitting right here. I'm serious; you are gonna sit right here. Now, after what Test did to us - all right? - He thinks he's interested in payback? He has no idea what he's in for..." Stpehanie sits - and sulks.

Another Fall Brawl promo in the local slot

And right after THAT...an ad for the 7 October San Jose house show - tix on sale NOW!!

Moments Ago, Eddie Guerrero won the intercontinental championship

Backstage, Eddie tries to explain it to Chyna. "I was just trying to protect you - I don't know what happened!" "You helped me a lot, Eddie. THANKS." Eddie tries to give the belt back to her. "Mami, you mean everything to me - this belt doesn't mean nothing compared to what you mean to me - you're the world! Eres todo - you're everything! I promise - please forgive me." "You deserve it more anyway..." As they embrace, the eagle-eyed viewer - and maybe Jim Ross - could notice just the *hint* of a smile on Guerrero's face...

TEST (with Albert & Trish Stratus - the fitness model

Does this mean they're giving up on that whole "He's not Dean Malenko - he's James Bond" thing?

Chyna shills Stacker 2 - again

Hey, you know all the words to that Lugz ad? "Aight - aight - aight - word up - ha ha ha - aight - HEY, SKITTLES!"

Fall Brawl local promo #3

Off in the locker room, Edge & Christian try to work out an excuse to get out of their tag title defense tonight. "What about pnemonia?" "Mick's a best selling author, he's not gonna fall for that! What about Tourette's syndrome? It's a live show, we can't be trusted!" "That's good...(snaps fingers) Genital warts!" "That's disgusting!" "Yeah, but think about it! Rock and Undertaker aren't gonna wanta touch us - and no one's gonna wanna look down our pants! We're made - we got it made!" "You might have something there - genital warts RULE!" They high five as Foley enters. "Hey, Edge, Christian! I just wanted to say good luck in your title defense - loved you in 'Highlander: Endgames' - and by the way, just in case you guys come down with any illness...or...wart problem, I'm gonna strip you of your belts and suspend you indefinitely, got it? And by the way, genital warts DO NOT rule - they can be quite painful and embarrassing (at least, that's what I've been told). Have a nice day!" Man, you think Foley was watching this on a monitor or something? That'd make him the SMARTEST MAN ALIVE

WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: BIG BOSS MAN v. STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) - Q: Hey, how come THIS isn't one of those five main events? A: Keepin' the MAN down. Coming up tonight - the RTC takes on Venis and a partner of his choosing - think carefully and you'll figure out who it might be (well, if you saw the same interviews on Metal that I did, anyway). Boss Man swings - Blackman eludes it. Blackman up on the apron - hot shot takes Boss Man dodwn - AND sends the nightstick flying through the air - and into the crowd! Blackman right, right, Boss Man with a shot, then putting Blackman in the corner, whipped into the oppostie corner is reversed, Blackman's monkey flip attempt is shrugged off, Boss Man's elbow misses, Blackman dropkicks him down - Boss Man goes outside the ring, perturbed, and goes weapon hunting. He finds a kendo stick, and actually gets a stick to Blackman's right leg as HE tries to step through the ropes. Boss Man in - Blackman ducks a swing and slides outside - HE comes up with the batons. Blackman: "It's PARTY TIME!" Blackman does a glowstick demonstration while Boss Man swings the kendo stick like a big billy club. Boss Man swings, blocked, and Blackman Gilloolys him. Boss Man swings again - blocked, and Blackman strikes about eleven times, culminating in a stick to the back of the neck. Leg is hooked - 1, 2, kendo stick to the head breaks up the cover. Boss Man outside - he's found Blckman's kryptonite - a fire extinguisher to the eyes. Right hand, over the barricade we go. Boss Man has a leather strap. Blackman with a kick, Boss Man with the strap. They exchange rights, and now Bos Man puts him in a railing - whipping him and now they're out a door and in a hall. Strap shot. A table of food is precariously situated - sure enough, Blackman takes a header over it. Boss Man pulls out his telescoping stick, but before he can use it, Dean Malenko appears and puts a trashcan on Boss Man's back. He then directs Crash to dump an urn of hot coffee onto him! Blackman unleashes a superkick and covers for the pin (3:01), THEN he takes a garbage can lid to Crash - then to Dean. "Take care of him on your own time - this is MY HOUSE and it's MY TIME!" STEVE BLACKMAN IS TRIPLE H!

Meanwhile, Tazz demands two matches from Foley - one with Jericho and one with Lawler. Also, he's not forgotten how Foley didn't do a THING about Ross breaking a candy dish over his head at SummerSlam. Foley says he'll give him Jericho AND Lawler, but don't worry - it's not a Handicap match. For his partner, he promises him a multiple title winner. Tazz says if he isn't that good, he'll make sure Foley is Just Another Victim. Foley says he *is* That Damn Good. But Triple H has already wrestled tonight...

Having now seen this Chris Jericho Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli ad three or four times, I think I can safely say that it sucks

GOODFATHER & WALL BUCHANAN

Coming back to real-time action, we follow Goodfather, Buchanan and Venis to the outside, where they Venis is loaded into a waiting white van - parked by Richards, who drives them off...

Moments Ago...funny, it's like I just saw this

Our commentators are a pair of kings - LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER...but not for now...

JERRY LAWLER and CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO v. TAZZZZZZZZZZZ and ? - "Real American" plays...could it be? Well, of course it isn't Hogan...*I* was trying to figure out how many titles Patterson had won...but all was revealed - well, THAT was probably a poor choice of words as MOSTLY NEKKID MIDE-I-E-I-ON comes out in tiny black trunks and strikes a Hogan-esque pose. Everyone is a big distracted by this, with the exception of two people - Lawler, who rolls up Tazz in a schoolboy; and referee "Blind" Chad Patton who quickly makes the count before the opening bell rings - 1, 2, 3 - and I think that just MIGHT be some sort of a record. (0:03 - rounding up) Jericho and Lawler enjoy some big-time yuks while Tazz makes various "curses! drat!" melodramatical pantomimes. If only he had a mustache to twirl... Geez, even VAMPIRO doesn't job as fast as Tazz - you have to wonder who he's pissed off to NEVER get a decisive beatdown on Lawler.

Meanwhile, at WWF New York, MANDY & VICTORIA led a "Save the Ho's" protest - I *think* that's what they were doing...

Jim Ross tells us Stone Cold Steve Austin will make a statement on the upcoming SmackDown! - not only on his future, but on his assailants...whoa, they're actually gonna pick up on that storyline? Yow! Interesting that all they had to do was put up a picture of Austin up and the live crowd POPPED - the man is *still* over

Hmm, that was a nothin' segment. Even WITH Austin

WELL IT'S KANE is out - why? Well, they're apparently one commentator short. Hey, the STEEL steps have magically stood on end during the break! Kane says...well, very little, actually. Hey, did you catch his monologue on Heat last night?

WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: EDGE & CHRISTIAN v. THE GHOST RIDER (on a Beautiful Titan Bike) and LA ROCA - "Ross....you're safe for now. In fact, you're safer than you've ever been." While taking his lap, Undertaker tries to spit in Kane's direction...but only manages a dribble. "Ross - can I call you Jim? Then Jim it is. You used to call my brother the conscience of the WWF. I call him manipulative, self-centered, I call him the man - I don't know, maybe he's just jealous." Gee, he doesn't SOUND retarded. IF YA SMELLLLL... I guess if they don't have a #1 Contender by Unforgiven, maybe Rock will just walk out and sing for twenty minutes or so. And it'll STILL do six times as many buys as Fall Brawl, HA HA HA. "Tell me something, Jim. What do you see when you look at the Rock? I see a bouncing baby boy who's family adored him. I see the most popular kid in school. I see the man that everybody wants to be. I see the man who can't fail because his whole life has been a formula for success. The Rock doesn't understand, doens't know what it's like to have to drag yourself up outta the gutter, just to be considered almost human. That's what I see." I guess my only question is - why does everybody think *Raven's* got something to do with all this? Christian lost the paper-rock-scissors, so he eats the right, right, right, into the ropes, back elbow, Rock ducks, flip up and over, off the ropes, clothesline by the Rock. Arm wringer, elbow, tag to Undertaker. Soupbone, soupbone, into the ropes, big boot, off the ropes with an elbow. 1, 2, nope. Hardyz and Lita watch from backstage. Back elbow! Into the opposite corner, running clothesline, sidewalk slam, 1, 2, Edge breaks it up with a tappy tap with the boot. Into the opposite corner, back elbow by Christian, Hardyz and Lita still watching, flying shoulder tackle, tag to Edge, stomp, right, right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, head down, DDT by the Reaper. 1, 2, Christian pulls him off. Soupbone for Christian, back elbow, soupbone. Edge with a spear as he turns back around. Christian stomps, stomp, stomp, both men stomp, Rock tries to come in, and referee "Blind" Earl Hebner holds him back as the champs doubleteam him behind his back. Right, right, stomp, tag, Edge in with an open kick, right, right, right, right, right, on the second rope, Ten Punch Count Along only gets six before 'Taker throws him backwards. Elbowdrop off the ropes misses. Edge puts him down with a clubbing forearm and tags Christian, who stands on the neck. Hebner goads the Rock while Edge throws the elbow from the floor. Christian stomps and pushes him out to the floor. Edge with a clubbing blow from the outside. Undertaker fires back, right, right, Christian from behin, and now wailing away with rights. Back in the ring, pulling him to the corner and tagging Edge. Stomp, stomp, "Rock E!", Edge hammering the back. Right, right, into the opposite corner hard. Undertaker manages a headbutt...and a soupbone.

Too short matches - too much talking - hope SmackDown! is better - blah blah blah