/25 September 2000
WWF RAW is WAR
WWFE 19 7/16 (- 3
7/16) - hey, they're moving to the NYSE in
late-October you know...ticker symbol, shockingly, will be "WWF"
TONIGHT: The tag team titles are on the line as the new champions take on the old ones in a ladder match! What's inside Playboy? We'll find out! And you can bet that Austin will raise some hell - right after the mystery wrapped in an enigma that IS.......*Sammo*
TV-14-DLV-CC One World Leader Attitude - TNN!
Close Captioned logo (but they just PUT a CC...eh) - Opening Credits
PYRO! TNN! Signs! TNN! LIVE from State College, PA and the Bryce Jordan Center on the campus of Penn State University 25.9.2K it's RAW is WAR - on TNN! This report is dedicated to all of you who are suddenly without the ability to watch this show...I'll do my best to try to put you there. The lower right corner logo is the new TNN logo done over in the WWF scribble. How would YOU start off a brand new show on a brand new network?
STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN is out. (Hey, that's a no-brainer!) Austin's got a new "Aggression"'d-up version of his theme (by Disturbed) that'll probably be out just in time for Christmas. Austin hits all four corners without stumbling, so he must not have started drinking tonight. "You know in the ten months since Stone Cold Steve Austin been gone, a lot of things have changed here in the World Wrestling Federation. First off you got a Vince McMahon, leavin' the company so as he says he can go make babies. Well, due to the fact that Shane and Stephanie both turned out to be complete jackasses, I hope for the sake of the human race that sumbitch (beep) blanks." Steve Austin: faster than the bleep "And I'll tell you this, had I got here a little sooner, I'd'a clubbed that sum(beep) in the head and took him to one o' them vasectomy clinic myself. Another major development, you got a Triple H and a Stephanie marriage. They're on again, they're off again, they're fighting again, they're making up, they're in power, they're outta power, to me - long story short, it's the worst marriage in the history of the business and that's what I got to say about that." He fails to say "hi" to Debra at this point - oh well. "The other thing that's struck me as bein' kinda weird is you got a guy named Mideon runnin' all over the place butt nekkid. Now in my book that's bad enough, but you expect the sum(beep) to have the decency to get about six tubes of Clearasil and get those pimples off his ass! Bein' back, I see about the only thing that hasn't changed is that Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna come out here, I'm gonna drink beer, I'm gonna raise up both middle fingers, and I'm gonna do what I want when I want, which leads me to last night at Unforgiven. See, Stone Cold Steve Austin came back, I drank a few beers, I kicked a few asses, but I did not find the yella bastard that ran me down at Survivor Series, so I'm saying this, and I direct this comment back to all the Dubbya WF Superstars in the back - I am gonna weave my way through every last one of ya...because coming back and getting back in the ring ain't good enough, having a little wrestling match ain't good enough - basically, what I'm saying ain't a damn thing good enough, 'til I get my back - and I will get my payback - and when I find the bastard that did this, I will take it out on your ass and it will be the very worst day of your life, and that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so." Well, at least he knows how to keep it short - ah hell, here comes COMMISSIONER McFOLEY - so much for thinking this'd be a short segment... "Thank you very much, but this right now tonight isn't about Mick Foley - it's about Stone Cold Steve Austin. Steve, I'd just like to say as a guy who's ridden up and down the roads with you, had some tremendous matches in these types of rings with you, that when you went down with your neck injury ten, ten months ago, and when I retired, I thought the last thing in the world that we'd ever see is Stone Cold and Mick Foley in the same ring and together...and may I say it is my honour and my privlige to stand In This Very Ring with you here tonight! But that being said, I hope you don't mind but you kinda made a glaring omission, when you were talking about Triple H and you were talking about Mideon, you see you forgot to say that after I retired, I came back to become the commissioner of the World Wrestling Federation and become the man in charge right here! And while I'm very much in support of your quest to find the person who ran you over...I don't know, I kinda take exception to the methods that you propose using; namely, taking it out of someone's ass. Nobody's ass needs to be violated in any way in the WWF, Steve, so...I know this isn't going to be a popular thing, but you've got to understand...the boys in the back respect me...and the fans really like me! Especially the ones right here on the campus of Penn State University! So what I propose is to kinda sit back, relax and let the commissioner find out who the culprit is, and then I guaran - can I say it, I guaran-damn-tee you that I'll get to the bottom of this and I'll find your man - thank you very much." "Now now now hold on. First of all, I think you know as well as anybody I don't give a damn about authority figures. And I respect everything that you've done here, Mick, but might I also say that I don't think your little investigation is making very much progress, and I think you know what I mean." "No, I'm not sure I do know what you mean, Steve, maybe you'd like to explain it a little clearer to me." "Yeah, I'll splain it a little more clearer to you - how I doesn't - how I don't know that it was you drivin' that rent-a-car, hell we used to go up and down the road together, I know you're one of the worst drivers in the business, how do I know it wasn't you that was driving that car?" Foley starts talking without the mic - I get the feeling that before we'll hear anything else, some more music will fire up - sure enough, here comes CHRIS BENOIT. "Steve Austin - we haven't met. I'm Chris Benoit, the best damn technical wrestler in the world today!" "Ass Hole!" "Now we can all stand here and talk aboot some injustice that took place ten months ago, but I'm here to address an even greater injustice that took place last night. For the second time in my WWF career, my name was announced as WWF Champion. I became a two-time WWF Champion, only to have it...taken from me. Robbed from me once again! You wanna talk aboot payback? You wanna talk abbot retribution? If anyone deserves payback around here tonight, it's me. I want the Rock tonight for the WWF Championship! If anyone deserves justice around here, it's me!" "You know, Chris, there's a young man holding a sign out there - can we get a shot at it - it says, um, Benoit was screwed. And I've had a little time to think about my decisions, and I've realised that not only were you screwed, but I probably screwed you last night worse than a White House intern. So to prove that I am a fair commissioner what I am going to do is I am going to give you a match In This Very Ring, right here tonight, on the campus of Penn State University...and you will fight for the WWF title against the Rock!" But here comes KING KURT ANGLE. Huh what huh? I think Austin's asking himself if people constantly had entrances when he was doing this ten months ago. "Chris Benoit, there's no doubt in my mind that you got royally screwed last night - it's true, you did - but it pales in comparison to the night I had - I mean, the night I had would make the Penn State football season look really good! Well, actually my night wasn't THAT bad but it's right up there. Last night... ["Ass Hole!"] Last night, I almost lost a friend when Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley kicked me in the genitals and cost me my match with Triple H. And I say ALMOST lost, because a big part of friendship is learning to forgive. And Steph, I saw the tape from last night. I saw how terrified you were of Triple H. I saw that crazy look in his eyes. I saw how he forced himself on you after the match. And Steph,
I just wanna say this -
I understand why you did what you did...and I forgive you. But I do not
forgive Triple H! Triple H the wrestler did not beat me - oh no - Triple
H the crazy-eyed, abusive husband beat me, so if anybody in this ring that
deserves a rematch, that deserves some justice, it's me, Mick, and that is
true." "Well Kurt, may I suggest a little amendment to your three I's, I
think we should maybe add a B for bravery, because last night you no doubt
showed true bravery by beating up on Triple H's injured ribs to the point
that he could barely walk, so after thinking over your idea for the last
seven or eight seconds, as commissioner of the WWF, I am saying it is
denied! No rematch for you, Kurt Angle!" "You know that's fine, Mick -
if Triple H wants to take a little extra time to lick his many wounds,
I'll accept that for now. But I wanta talk about one little other small
little tiny incident from last night - namely, regarding this one. How
dare you look at me like that, Austin. What do you think? How dare you
think that Chris Benoit or me hit you with a car last November? I mean,
first of all, Chris Benoit wasn't even here last November, and I - I'm a
man of integrity! I could never commit such an act, and that is true!
And last night, I offered you something very valuable. I offered you my
friendship. I offered you my friendship in a special replica of an
Olympic gold medal. And I consider that to be very nice considering you
since you're not a winner - oh it's true. And what did you - what did you
do? How did you respond? You attacked me. You attacked an American
hero! So I demand an apology right here tonight. And I - and I think I
speak for Chris Benoit as well - will not see our careers go down the
drain because you were too slow to jump out of the way of a car last
November. So I think that you owe I - me - an, in a sense, the rest of
America an apology right now - here and now." "You know I appreciate the
fact that you offered me your friendship last night as you gave me that
gold medal, and I guess I do kind of owe you an apology...but, ah, that's
probably not gonna happen tonight--" KICK WHAM STUNNER, duck Benoit
clothesline, KICK WHAM STUNNER break the glass and hit the music.
Disturbed will be on MTV's Heat this Sunday!
Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER. Tonight: Playboy!
Let Us Take You Back A Few Seconds As Austin delivered the Stunner twice to two different folks - no, wait! Make that four times, 'cause here's another angle!
Remind me to stop transcribing ENTIRE segments.
"Dukes of Hazzard" ad - frightening
I guess they want us to call 888 POP 1090, so we can learn that TNN has POP. Ohhhh, they want us to *write their commercials for them by leaving voicemail.* Well, that's cute.
WELL IT'S KANE v. RIKASHMONEY - Tonight: Rock vs. Benoit! No TNN logo on the EntertainmentTron yet - must still be in the shop or something. They meet on the aisle and let's get to punchin'! Neither man with a clear advantage as we go back and forth - until Rikishi manhandles Kane into the STEEL steps. He's got the bell - but Kane hits an uppercut before he can use it - right by Kane. Kane uses the bell on Rikishi. In the ring we go - right by Kane, right, right, right, intimidation for referee "Blind" Teddy Long, and when Kane turns back he runs right into a superkick. Kane with a choke...but Rikishi punches him in the nuts. Kane runs into a Samoan Drop. Fat ass splash in the corner - another butt to Kane. Kane rolls outside and Rikishi follows. Back to punching we go, Long telling them to please break it up, so they both shove him away. Hey, you can't do that. Rikishi's head put in the STEEL steps as Long calls for the bell. Rikishi with a chair to Kane. FINALLY, they do get the bell rung (DDQ 2:01) but they're still going strong. Each man takes a turn with the chair. Rikishi in the ring - and beckoning for Kane to please join him. As they trade rights, Long calls out the troops - the refs and officials manage to keep Rikishi in the ring after he clothesline Kane out of it. Nothing settled here!
TONIGHT: Tag Team Ladder Match - titles on the line - Hardyz vs. Edge & Christian! 1st Blood Match - X-Pac vs. Chris Jericho! And don't forget the Rock and Benoit!
WWF Unforgiven Encore Presentation ad
Guys who drive muscle cars like TNN - or at least, this one guy does
Here's an exterior of the Bryce Jordan Center
Steve Austin is WALKING! He opens a door and walks in to find...the Undertaker. "Man, don't even come in here givin' me that look. You know I wasn't there. You know that I was takin' some time off. So I ain't the cat you lookin' for. But I'll tell you something - if I had some information, I'd give it to ya. Because if they'd run you over, the SOB, he's still out there - he'd run me over. You know Austin, it's kind of a shame, isn't it." "A shame about what?" "Some day, me and you, we gonna have to go." "I don't know...is that a damn shame?" "You know, now that I think about it...maybe it's not." We leave them in mid-staredown to cut to
Meanwhile, in the Commissioner's restroom, Foley has placed a stuffed animal on the commode in "reading a newspaper" position. Edge & Christian appear in the land of cacti, lava lamps and toilet paper and complain about their return match not only occurring 24 hours after a grueling PPV encounter, but being a ladder match to boot! "Thanks to the max!" "You're welcome!" "Mick, I was being sarcastic." "That is pretty funny..." Foley says that he needed a historic match for their first TNN broadcast and butters them up a bit. "By the way, that Lita's pretty hot, huh?" "Pfft...from a distance." Foley says if they don't win tonight, this is their last shot against the Hardyz. Christian promises that this'll so be the shortest reign every. Foley holds up a drink umbrella and suggests they'll need one of these, then. Edge & Christian fail to laugh. "You're a reek-a-zoid, Mick!" "Dorkitude to the max." They walk off. "I don't know, I thought that was pretty good. What'd you think, Inge?" We hear a flush in the next stall, and a woman exits. "I thought that was rather funny, Mr. Foley." And she leaves a tip in the tip tub.
Hey, time for more ads! Gotta make up for those twenty-minute segments SOMEWHERE. Hey, you wanna hear something clever I just realised? You know how the opening quarter hour always gets, like, the LOWEST ratings of the show for RAW? You know why that's really GENIUS? *No ads in the opening quarter hour!* They WANT it to be the lowest rated quarter hour! There's no MONEY in that quarter hour! Ha! Chew on THAT, business majors!
For every salient business point I make, I get to counter it by making fun of a TNN promo...umm...I actually don't have anything here. "These TNN promos are starting to be very lame." Eh.
DAMN! This guy and his muscle car AGAIN? Didn't I JUST see him? Plus, his imitations of running car engines SUCK
BUH-BUH RAY DAMN DUDLEY (with D-Von Damn Dudley & Let Us Take You Back to Heat) v. TAZZZZZZZZ - Last Night, one of the "Wassup" guys delivered Budweiser to the APA and the Dudleyz. I AM OUTRAGED THAT THE WWF WANTS UNDERAGED CHILDREN TO DRINK BEER Anyway, Heat's on MTV Sunday - or so I hear. Is this a way to get that dude some money while the ad actors are on strike? "So what's the deal, Buh-Buh, huh? You need your brother to watch your back? You can't fight me alone? What's next? You gonna have Lawler come help you out? Or maybe, I got it, maybe good ol' JR can help you out. Maybe all these people can help you out! I guess you ain't got a set big enough to fight me on your own." Buh-Buh, ever the dim bulb, dutifully sends his half-brother to the back. Tazz and Dudley get to punching, Dudley getting the better, scoop slam, elbowdrop, elbowdrop. "Here, eat this!" Another elbow gets 2. In the corner, open-handed slap, right, right, ladder match coming up, shoulder drive, again, again, into the opposite corner, splash, death suplex, Tazz ducks a right and Dudley *almost* ends up popping referee "Blind" Jim Korderas - but stops short. Of course, Korderas is now in perfect position to miss Tazz kicking him between the legs from behind. Right, right, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, right, snapmare, stomp, waiting for him to get up to hit the clothesline. Stomp. Did you hear last night at the pay-per-view that the ring introductions had Tazz outweighing Lawler by 25 pounds? Har, har. I don't think so. Right hand by Tazz. Kick by Dudley, elbow, Tazz returns with a choke. Knee in the gut, knee, right, into the ropes, back elbow, right cross puts him down. Cover...2. Tazz clawing at the mouth. "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine" by Dudley, left, right, forearm, open-handed slap in the corner, slap, Tazz ducks the next one, right, into the ropes is reversed, Dudley with a big sidewalk slam...but only gets 2. Dudley announces the powerbomb - and hits a sitout powerbomb (go figure) for 2. Right, into the opposite corner, reversed, reversed into Korderas. Dudley staggers into a T-bone Tazzplex, and with everybody out in the ring, Tazz sees his chance to go outside and squirt a little water in the King's face. Lawler is set to go after him, but he missed RAVEN coming out through the crowd. Evenflow for the King - ON THE FLOOR! Tazz back in the ring, Dudley ducks the right and hits the full nelson atomic drop - but HE didn't see Raven either. Raven, in the ring, with the Evenflow (not really driving his head - oh well), which is enough to keep Buh-Buh Ray down as Korderas recovers - 1, 2, 3. (4:01) D-VON DAMN DUDLEY comes out too late to help. Ross still wants us to believe Raven isn't on the roster, wink wink.
To the dressing room we go where Stephanie is making her "I turn my gaze away from you" face. "All right, would you PLEASE just tell me what is the matter." "I can't believe that you don't know. Hunter, you know, I chose between you and Kurt last night, not that it was really a decision I had to make, I mean I love you, you're my husband, but at least Kurt sang Happy Birthday. You know at least he acknowledged that it was my birthday. I didn't even get a present." "Steph, I've gone over this with you a million times -
I did not forget that it was your birthday. Your present is
sitting at home, gift wrapped, on the bed, waiting for you. When we get
off the road, you will get your presents. Okay? I did not forget it was
your birthday." "Okay, well fine. What about that kiss that you gave me,
huh? What about that kiss after the match? It was - it was so - rough -
it was not very romantic." "Well, you know what Steph? Last night, after
I got my ribs stomped in by Kurt Angle, I wasn't feeling very ROMANTIC.
And that kiss, it wasn't aimed at you - that kiss was to prove a point to
Kurt Angle that you are mine. That kiss was an exclamation point on the
end of an ass-kickin' that I gave Kurt Angle last night. And why did I
give Kurt Angle an ass-kickin' last night? I did that for you - 'k?"
Lawler bitches about the setup that just took place. Awwww, poor King.
The tag team titles hang high above the ring. When we come back, somebody's gonna grab 'em!
I'm *totally* embarrassed that somebody from Saratoga left a voicemail on the TNN ad line
Ahhhh! "Dukes of Hazzard" TNN ad #2! STOP THE PAIN MICHAEL COLE
And now, the WWF Boot of the Week, brought to you by Lugz! From last night's pay-per-view, Jeff Hardy hits a corkscrew moonsault, landing (allegedly) on Edge and Matt Hardy
WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: EDGE & CHRISTIAN v. HARDY BOYZ in a ladder match - Edge & Christian, carrying down a ladder, wisely try to nab the titles during introductions, but the Hardyz run out to stop them. Pier Four Brawl to start. Matt folds up the ladder and puts it in a corner. Matt whips Edge into the ladder as the RAW credits appear. Christian whipped into Edge. Poetry in motion on the stack. TV-14-DLV-CC. Hardys open up the ladder, then run each leg of the ladder into a crotch of their opponents. Matt dropkicks the top rung of the ladder (yowch) while Jeff somersaults for no reason. Matt punches away on Edge while Jeff climbs for the titles - Christian from behind on Matt to turn it around. We look from above to see Jeff trying to pull down the belts - but that stops when Matt is run into the ladder, sending Jeff crashing down to the mat. Edge folds up the ladder and places it on the top ropes in the corner while Christian stomps away. Matt double pressed - and dropped facefirst on the ladder. Edge brings in a second ladder. Christian punches Jeff, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, Edge opens up the ladder and they place Jeff in it, feet to top rung and head to bottom. They now bring the ladder up, upside down, and shoves it backwards into the corner, sandwiching Jeff! Edge drops down to all fours and Christian executes his own version of Poetry in Motion onto the ladder, hurting himself in the process! Edge sets up the ladder beneath the titles and Christian does the same. Verrrrrrry slowly, they climb - but the Hardyz are back in the ring and they've found a THIRD ladder, taller than the other two - they throw it at Edge and Christian, hitting them in the back, and they both fall down. Jeff stomps on each man as Matt sets up the tall ladder. Jeff puts a shorter ladder in the corner, and moves the second one directly beneath the titles. Presto provides a replay from the beltcam of Edge & Christian tumbling. Jeff climbing up as Matt still fiddles iwth the other ladder. Edge meets Matt under the ladder and they start punching (hey, that's bad luck!) Jeff has a hand on the titles but Christian gives him a shot in the back - Jeff kicks him off the ladder, then dropkicks him off the ladder to the mat. Matt bodyslams Matt and motions to the tall ladder - climbing up six or seven rungs - but Edge is up with a shot to the ribs - Matt manages to kick him off - but he's back up before Matt can finish his "guns to the head and Tarzan yell" pose. Edge throws Matt to the rope, where he sorta hot shots himself. Edge, still on the tall ladder, sets himself as Christian pulls the shorter ladder away, leaving Jeff swinging from the belts - Edge WITH A SPEAR FROM TEN FEET UP on Jeff, who falls to the mat. HOLY shit. With everybody out, we take a replay of the spear - and here's another angle. Edge is up first, and he moves the shorter ladder back under the belts. Presto provides a Double Feature of the beltcam view of that AWESOME spear. Back to live action, as LITA is out with a chair, JUST as Edge had a hand on the titles. Edge back to the mat. Lita goes to chair Christian, but he strikes first with a gutshot - and there's the Slop Drop. Lita rolls to the apron - then falls to the outside. Christian, the only man in the ring, positions the tall ladder...then HE falls to the mat. Nobody's moving as the crowd comes alive, clapping for the Hardyz. Matt Hardy is busted open. Christian pulling himself up - one rung - two rungs - Matt pounding him from behind - Christian comes back down and they trade blows. Christian stomping away on Hardy on the mat while Edge and Jeff Hardy go at it on the outside. Edge sets up a ladder on the floor, climbs halfway up, and hits a flying clothesline on Jeff. Christian back up - two rungs - three - four. One more rung and now he can touch the titles - Matt coming up behind him - pounding on the back - to the back - to the back - DEATH SUPLEX off the ladder and Christian's head is a couple of inches from being decapitated by the ring ropes. Yikes. A couple replays of that. Coming back live and Matt is desperately trying to pull himself up the ladder - Edge is in and trying to lock in a bulldog facelock...and does! That's a Diamond Cutter six feet off the mat. Lita STILL hasn't moved on the outside.
It's Edge trying to come up now - Christian has been
getting another chair while outside. Matt climbing up from behind again -
turning round - POWERBOMB off the ladder! It's Matt climbing up the
ladder...Jeff is FINALLY stirring outside the ring. Up four rungs - when
Christian puts the chair between rungs of the ladder and into Matt's
sensitive area. Matt is out on his feet on the tall ladder...Edge and
Christian each setting up one of the shorter ladders aside the big one -
what's next? Edge with a forearm to the back. Edge has a chair -
Christian has a chair - looks like they're going to try to climb up and try
for the Unprettyer (all right, Conchairto). While they're setting up,
however, Lita is climbing the opposite side of the middle ladder - no,
wait, she and Jeff are each up now and grabbing one of the outside ladders
- both Edge and Christian have their ladders tipped and come crashing down
- Edge crotching himself on the top rope and Christian missing the ropes
altogether and landing on the floor!! Matt grabs the ropes and that's
gotta be our "free TV" match of the week. (11:12) Champs retain and
let's hope that, after a well-deserved rest, Edge and Christian move on to
something even better. Replay of the spear, the double ladder upend, and
Matt grabbing the titles. Various reactions shots show everybody's eyes
Backstage, Patterson & Brisco hem and haw about where they were during Survivor Series to Austin....and can't seem to get straight which one of them was home at the time. Austin tells them he knows neither of them did it, because neither one of them has sack enough to run him down in a car. Austin says if he finds out they knew and didn't tell him, he'll stomp a squealin' worm out of their ass. He leaves, and they CONTINUE arguing. "You smoke too much!"
Elsewhere, Chyna is WALKING! (Or is that strutting?)
Hmmm, maybe TNN should have prepared some more spots so they would have to air all the ones they have THREE times in ONE hour
Whew, a local spot saves me from seeing that muscle car guy make lip noises again
Another local spot hypes the 7 October San Jose Arena house show - Undertaker is featured. Last Bay Area appearance this year!
Mick Foley narrates a Smack Down Your Vote spot
The wwfvote.com tally is over 100,000 - Ross and Lawler whine about big bad Bush and Gore ignorning them - hypocritically, the WWF is ignoring Browne and Nader, who would be quite happy for the time.
BAZOOKA JO(ANI)E is out with her C-2000 and, after firing, hits the ring, where giant Playboy cover reproductions sit in the two corners facing the camera. "Well this past week I've been looking in the tabloids and the magazines because I know that this is the week that they review all the fashion and the whatnot from the Emmy Awards, from the MTV Awards, and all types of awards shows, and I wanted to see if my outfit from the MTV Awards would be in one of them, and it was. I picked up the Star tabloid and I opened it up and there was a big picture of me, and I was wearing that red white and blue corset, and the red pants that I busted out of if anybody happened to see that. But anyway, next to me were probably about six or seven other celebrities - female celebrities - umm, women who are held in the highest beautiful regards as movie stars, rock stars, supermodels, and quite frankly, to me most of them looked very *hungry.* And, I joked about it, saying 'I could eat all those women for breakfast!' [insert lesbian joke here later] But, the truth of it is that it really pissed me off because I really thought that, um...you know, I'd worked so many years on my bought and thought that I'd been given a gift that I ran with, and for so many years people ridiculed me, they called me names, ugly, umm, freak, some very cruel things...and...it really ticked me off because I'd see the other women and they were still held as the highest regard of what is beautiful in our society. And I was working out in the gym right back here today, I think it's the basketball players' training center, and I saw a quote on the wall. And that quote said 'Success demands the highest price of discipline, of hard work, and of eternal persistence.' And that really hit hard to me, because I felt that I've not only reached a lot of success but that I've gone far beyond that - I've worked my way to the top of a completely male-dominated business...I've fought men in a ring, and believe me, have been able to hold my own. I've gained the respect of men and women back there who I'll probably have as friends for a lifetime, and um...I have fought the odds. And for that, I believe that I am a pioneer, and I believe that that's why my guys named me the 9th Wonder of the World. And I've been doin' a lot of crying lately. But I also believe that that is why, when people told me that I was ugly and could never grace the cover or be Playboy material - well, I guess I had to prove them wrong." Chyna turns one of the covers round to the crowd behind her. "And it may sound corny but I would really like to thank the WWF for giving the freak an opportunity, and I would like to thank the guys in the back because you guys have supported me and been with me through all the very special times of my life, and so many of the guys have come up to me and said 'all right Chyna, you go, you're beautiful' and I love you for that. And I would of course
like to thank the fans for wanting to see me naked."
"Hooray!" "And I would like to say a special thanks to me, myself and I
because I worked my ass off to get here and I am gonna show it in Playboy
magazine!" What a slut. She didn't even mention Eddie Guerrero! Her
music is cut short by the klaxons and bleeps of the RIGHT TO CENSOR.
"Chyna, I wish I could say that the Right to Censor agrees with you - but
that is not the case. Isn't that right, Mr. Venis?" "The only thing I
heard in your heartfelt speech was nothing more than feeling and and
emotion - there was no fact and logic in what you said! Chyna, whether you
want to admit it or not, what you did was immoral. This issue of Playboy
magazine in which you are promoting is nothing more than sugar-coated
pornography. You know it, I know it, and if the rest of the world knew
what was good for them (which, unfortunately, they do not) they would stand
up, boycott this magazine and say NO MORE. All right...I am going to stand
here and I am going to ask each and every one of you. Nonononononono, I'm
not going to stand here and ask each and every one of you anything, I am
going to stand here and TELL each and every one of you who is here in this
arena and at home watching on TV, DO NOT BUY THIS MAGAZINE - DO NOT PROMOTE
THIS DISGRACE - DO NOT SEE CHYNA NAKED - because quite frankly, Chyna is
NOT worth it." EDDIE
GUERRERO makes his way to ringside from around the
stage and next to the ramp. He's got a bouquet of roses and the belt on
his shoulder. "These are for you, Mami. Now did I hear you correctly ese?
I mean, did you say Chyna's not worth it? I mean, did you say my mami is
not worth it? I mean you are talking about the hottest, sweetest, sexiest
looking mamacita on Playboy naked, and you're saying she's not worth it!
Mmm, Mami (something in Spanish). What are you stupid? Ese, you insult
mamacita, you insult me, man, so mami, I'm gonna do you an honour tonight
and I will defend it, if you let me. I will put the intercontinental title
on the line against one of these stupid homeys mano a mano if they got the
pantalones." Venis is ready to rush 'em but Goodfather and Buchanan hold
him back. "Hey wait, wait, guys, guys, Mr. Venis is happy to accept your
invitation." Chyna cuts off Guerrero's music by saying "Oh, you guys -
wait a second - if you do happen to pick up an issue of Playboy, after you
see my ass, you can kiss it too." "Latino! Heat! Latino! Heat!"
Back in the locker room, Kurt Angle is persuing the USA Today Sports/Olympics section. "I could beat him - I could beat him - oh, I BEAT him - I could beat him..." Trish Stratus appears. "Hey Kurt!" "Oh, hi Trish." "So, didja see Chyna in Playboy?" "Well, actually I don't read Playboy." "Hmmm. Hey, I just wanted to let you know what Stone Cold Steve Austin did to you last night when you offered him your friendship is disgusting." "You're not kidding me." "And if you offered me a token of your friendship, I would cherish it forever." "Cool." "So, do you have that medal?" "Well, actually, yeah, I do. I have it in my bag. I mean, I wasn't going to leave it laying around after Stone Cold kicked my ass." "Ooh! Do you mind if I try it on?" "No, go ahead - knock yourself out." Trish buries the medal deep in her pushed up cleavage. "So, Kurt, this looks good, right?" Angle finally takes his nose out of the paper and immediately goes through puberty." There's a wide-eyed doubletake. "Oh, it's true...it's true."
X-Pac is WALKING! He's still in black trimmed with flourescent green, but the DX symbols have been replaced with an X with "PAC" written in smaller letters.
Meanwhile, Chris Jericho is WALKING! HE'S got the "RAW is Jericho" shirt on. First Blood match - NEXT!
"What do I like about the Dukes of Hazzard?" Definitely not the IDIOTS who tell me what they like about the Dukes of Hazzard OVER AND OVER AND OVER
CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with RAW is WAR is brought to you by Squaresoft's Parasite Eve II, Right Guard Xtreme Sport, and the WWF Shop Zone [dot com]!) v. X-PAC NEVER JOBS ON "FREE" TV in a First Blood Match - Jericho decides to run up the ramp and camp out next to the entryway, punking out 'Pac as he enters. Damn, he's a clever one. Down the ramp we go, Jericho punching away. "X Pac Sux" chant is long and strong. In the ring, chop, off the ropes is reversed, Jericho with a spinning heel kick. Clothesline takes X-Pac out of the ring. X-Pac very audibly says "the bottle's gone, GOD DAMN IT!" which is confusing now but may make sense later. X-Pac grabs a chair, swings when Jericho is out to meet him, but misses, hitting the post instead. Jericho with a right, right, X-Pac back in the ring, ducking a clothesline, spinning heel kick. X-Pac still yelling "FUCK!" in the timekeeper's direction. Right hand fistdrop, fistdrop, another right, off the ropes, duck, Jericho springs off with a flying jalapeno. X-Pac to the apron - Jericho springs up, only gets one foot on the top rope but STILL manages to spring off with a one-footed dropkick. Jericho with a double sledge from the apron to the floor. They move around near the commentary table. Knife-edge chop by Jericho - into the barricade - X-Pac avoids the follow-up and hangs up Jericho on the barricade. Spinning heel kick put Jericho in the crowd. X-Pac over the barricade with a right, Jericho right, Jericho throws X-Pac over, climbs to the barricade - and springs off with a double axehandle. Knife-edge chop - arm wringer is reversed, X-Pac with a back elbow, trying to get away but Jericho runs at him and puts him facefirst into the STEEL steps. Jericho grabs the chair (X-Pac saying "What?" to the timekeeper) and swings - and misses, hitting the post. X-Pac, meanwhile, has grabbed the biggest pieces of bottle he can find and conks X-Pac in the noggin with them. If you were watching this, you might not have even noticed he didn't have a "whole" bottle the first time you watched this - that's the power of production at work. Of course, X-Pac BLEW the whole thing by yelling in front of the camera with the mic. Oh well. Back in the ring where X-Pac either runs a glass shard along Jericho's face...or applies some fake blood, take your pick. Referee "Blind" Tim White sees the blood and calls for the bell. (2:51) Can you just *imagine* X-Pac and Jericho planning this thing out? "Okay, listen - I'll *job* to you on the pay-per-view, but you've GOT to give me the win back the next night on RAW, where a whole lot more people will be watching." "Umm...well, if I get a win, okay." "Oh, by the way, we're gonna book it as a First Blood match." "...the hell?" "Don't worry, you won't have to be pinned!" Anyway, two rules have been satisfied with this outcome - X-Pac never jobs in singles matches, and New Tights = Victory. Anyway, X-Pac isn't finished - he goes outside to find som (unbroken) nunchaku and gets to swinging - White tries to stop him and X-Pac tries to conk HIM with the 'chuks. This allows Jericho enough time to uppernut X-Pac while his back is turned. Jericho has the weapon now - right in the head! Yikes, that must be a real cut, Jericho is bleeding profusely here. Repeated rights outside the ring - X-Pac is bleeding as well now. On the commentary table - Jericho puts X-Pac in the Walls of Jericho right there on the table!
Ring that bell some more! Play Jericho's music!
Jericho *does* finally let go of the hold, and climb back to the apron for
a victory pose...wearing the *crimson mask* - you know, it's great that
they're trying to sell us that Jericho won the war while losing the
battle...but still, I mean, this is FREAKIN' X-Pac here. That dude needs
about ten or twenty consecutive singles losses. Give half of 'em to
Jericho while we're in fantasyland. ("Maybe they just let X-Pac win all
the time so it's EXTRA sweet when he actually loses. Did you ever think of
that?" "Yeah, I thought of that. I thought that that SUCKED. Besides, he
TOTALLY blew kayfabe and deserves a several year suspension!" "Criminy,
you need to chill out.")
To the dressing room we go, where Austin barges in on Triple H and Stephanie. Stephanie attempts to work up some righteous indignation, especially what with her giving him his hat back and all, and Stunnering Shane three times and pouring beer on him and and and... "Are you gonna shut her up or am I gonna have to do it?" "Steph...I hear you were lookin' for me yesterday." "Yer damn right I was lookin' for you, I think you know and everybody else knows I'm conducting a little investigation here and right now, in my eyes you're one of the prime suspects. Because I know your little friends had me locked up in the parking garage so that their little friend, meaning you, could run me over with a car! Which only makes sense, because since I've been gone, hey I give you all the credit, you've made a hell of a name for yourself in my absence! So I want you to look me in the eyes and give me your story." "You wanna know my story? Well I've told it a million times but I guess I've never looked you in the eye and told it to you so I guess I owe ya that. Now, if - Austin, if I wanted to take you out, I'm the kind of guy that would look you dead in your eye just like I am right now, and I'd do the job like a man, in your face, but I did not run you over with that car, and I do not know who did." "Well, either you're a liar, a crazy son of a bitch, or maybe - yeah just maybe you are tellin' the truth."
Okay, now I *hate* TNN
AHHHH THE MUSCLE CAR GUY AGAIN NOW I **REALLY** HATE TNN
Wanna go behind the scenes and see the WWF Divas photoshoot in Manhattan? WWF Superstars airs Sunday morning at 10am/9am - right here on TNN!
MICHAEL KING COLE stands in the mighty presence of the Rock. Rock will speak after this short pause to let the crowd chant his name. "You know Chris Benoit, you claim that you were screwed - Mick Foley says that you were screwed, and seeing as you claim to be the best wrestler, let the Rock give you a little wrestling advice - and wrestling knowledge. The fact of the matter is this: is you tried to pin the Undertaker, and the Undertaker put his foot on the ropes, which means you won absolutely nothing. Chris Benoit, you're not the two-time WWF Champ, you're not the one-time WWF Champ, but what you are is this: is you are the all-time, without a shadow of a doubt, punk ass son of a BITCH! So you see, Chris Benoit, it's as simple as this: one more time it's gonna be the Wolverine against the Brahma Bull, and the fact of the matter is this: is you will hit Rock Bottom, and without a shadow of a doubt, you will smell what the Rock is cookin'."
Damn, THIS segment was even shorter than that other one I was bitching about. Not that I wanted a LONGER interview from the Rock. Hey, was Rock's delivery like "hey, Austin's back - I better step up and quick?"
"Tim" embarrasses Saratoga again. I wish he HAD fallen
Time now to check out some Chyna photos - with strategically placed "PLAYBOY" ribbons. I dunno, I'm STILL not in a hurry to go get myself a copy. Maybe there's something WRONG with me. The musical accompaniment, a ripoff of "Foolish Game," reminds me of those old "viewer discretion is advised" spots of Sunny shootin' some stick in lingerie, since it's the same background music. Whatever happened to Sunny, anyway? Oh right....the crack
WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: EDDIE GUERRERO (with That Slut Chyna) v. BALD VENIS (with Steven Richards) - Eddie stomps on Venis as he tries to enter quick, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, maybe there was a left in there too - who knows. Eddie grabs the tie and uses it to amplify a hard whip into the corner. Back to the first corner. Holding onto the tie, right, right, tie snapmare, clothesline, into the ropes is reversed, Venis with a back elbow, elbowdrop, running knee, mount and six rights. Venis removes his tie and chokes Guerrero with it. Double underhook and suplex - cover gets 2. Head to the buckle. Right, Irish whip into the opposite corner, followup clothesline, Censorbomb, and he's ready to go up for the Censor Shot...I think. Eddie meets him up there, right hand, superplex coming up - YES! Richards pounds the canvas but the crowd doesn't exactly come alive for him. Richards on the apron now - Chyna makes her way round the ringside area to Richards and grabs his ankles to try to pull him down, but Richards locks the top rope and won't budge. So Chyna rips off his pants instead, revealing a half moon in the process. Yikes! In the ring, Guerrero shoves Venis into Richards, who falls to the floor, Venis bounces off into a rollup - 1, 2, 3! (2:29) Dirk wears white socks! And not much else! Richards rips off his shirt, leaving himself in dark blue Underoos (with white band!), shoes, socks, tie, and knee brace. He's hoppin' mad, yo. Richards covers his private area with his shirt and screams at Eddie and Chyna - who are all smiles backing up the ramp.
The Face of Entertainment is about to change...nah, I think that's
*probably* overstating it. WWF Sunday Night Heat moves to MTV - debut is
this Sunday at 7/6! Remember, if you can't get enough DJ Skribble, Heat is
the show for YOU!
Everybody call 888-POP-1090 and tell them to KILL that muscle car dude. NOW.
Here's' your requisite look at WWF New York
Inside WWF New York, Crash tries to get a drink - but it turns out he isn't old enough - yuk yuk yuk
"Hello! My name is STEVEN WILLIAM REGAL, and I have come from Great Britain to become a goodwill ambassador to you, my friends, the American people. And I am especially thankful to be here this evening in this institute of learning because, although we all like watching the telly, institutes of learning, even ones with shoddy reputations such as this one, teach us the value of another fine form of entertainment, the joy of literature, which is why I have chosen this evening for you, my American friends, to share with you one of my favourite authors - another famous William...William Shakespeare! And so now, I will recite to you, in its entirety, William Shakespear's Hamlet! Please, feel free to join along if you wish - thank you." Hey, somebody tell Regal it's only a two hour show! (Sorry, Hudson) "'Who's there? Nay, answer me. Stand and unfold yourself. Long live the King. Bernardo? He. He come most carefully upon your hour--'" I hear glass, must be time for STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN KICK WHAM STUNNER and, just like that, he's gone as quickly as he came.
Chris Benoit warms up - his title shot is NEXT!
AHHHHHHHHHHH TIM SARATOGA ROCK TNN MUST KILL ALL WE'VE GOT POP
AHHHHHHHHHHH DUKES OF HAZZARD FANS ARE IDIOTS
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago where Austin welcomed Regal back to the WWF...or was that the other way round? Ross tries again the line that if Regal had been reading Field and Stream that Austin would have left him alone - nope, it's *still* not funny
WWF CHAMPIONSHIP: CHRIS BENOIT (with Skippy) v. IF YA SMELLLLLLLLL - Hey, somebody remembered that Shane McMahon was joined at Benoit's hip prior to his injury! Oh, wait - that was ME! Give me a gold star! Presto presents WWF No Mercy - Presto! They make pizza ovens! (Apparently) Benoit runs at Rock as soon as he half-turns his gaze towards Shane on the outside - right, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, right, forearm, into the ropes, reversed, back elbow from the Rock. Right, whip is reversed, Benoit drives a knee in the gut, flipping Rock. "Shane's a pussy" chant. Snap suplex from Benoit gets the first near fall. Backbreaker, immediate cover, 2. Benoit argues the cadence of referee "Blind" Earl Hebner. Stomp, stomp, drawing over Hebner while Shane chokes Rock on the bottom rope behind his back. Kick, elbow, Rock right, right, right, Benoit right, kick, Rock catches a kick, dragon screw legwhip into the Sharpshooter! Hebner drops down to ask Benoit if he gives it up and, behind his back, Shane pops up, pops Rock, and pops out back to ringside. Benoit covers - and gets 2. "Rock E!" Into the corner hard, kick, kick, kick, forearm, stomp, stomp, kick, standing on the neck as Rock lies against the bottom rope. Hebner pulls him off and they have a chat. Another European elbow. Into the opposite corner is reversed, Benoit ducks the clothesline and slips under for the German suplex - holding on for two - trying a third but Rock elbow, elbow, elbows out, Benoit tries a clothesline but THAT'S ducked, gutshot from the Rock, DDT, and floating over for 2. Rock off the ropes, Benoit with a gutshot, swinging neckbreaker, going up? Yes, swandive headbutt HITS! But Benoit isn't moving following the connection. Who will shake it off first? "Rock E!"
Hebner's count continues...but stops as
Benoit reaches his knees. Rock trying to match him - Benoit up and over -
Rock with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine." Benoit staggers back and
tries again - again his punch is blocked and Rock's right lands. Right,
right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Shane holds onto the ankle, Rock
turns to swipe at Shane and Benoit runs into him with a forearm. Right,
kick, into the ropes is reversed, clothesline ducked, belly-to-belly throw
(an alleged "suplex"), cover - 1, 2, Shane pulls Hebner out of the ring.
Hebner takes great offense, climbs out through the ropes and shouts to
Shane, putting a finger in his chest and doing everything but pointing to
the "WWF" patch on his chest (oh well). Into the ropes is reversed, and
Rock collides with Hebner, who was standing on the apron and BEGGING to get
run into. Hebner down to the floor and maybe hitting the barricade as
well. Golly, he's too old for that! Benoit chops Rock in the corner,
chop, chop. Rock revereses, right, right, right, right, Layin' the Smack
Down spit right, so Shane comes in with a forearm. Shane doin' the McMahon
shuffle but maybe he should have kept an eye on the Rock as he shakes it
off and makes an angry face. Shane's eyes widen, his pants wet, and he
decides too late to try another punch - Rock blocks that and throws a
right. Into the ropes, spinebuster, but Benoit is over with a clothesline
so we don't even have to endure the TEASE of an elbow. Benoit outside to
find a weapon and settling for the timekeeper's chair. Ross says "this is
martial law out here" but fails to add "with SAMMO" and "only on TNN!"
Rock and Shane are both up together, so you KNOW that Benoit's chair is
going to find *Shane's* face. WHACK. Rock ducked. Don't know WHY, it
wouldn't have hurt him anyway, right? Benoit runs at the Rock and gets
dumped on the floor. Rock follows, overhand right. Head to the table as
we see STEPHANIE
jiggling out to the ring - quick, back to Rock and
Benoit. THE NEW
is behind her, telling her to get out of the ring -
it's dangerous in there! Finally, he helps Stephanie roll Shane to the
outside to get BOTH of them out of the ring. Ross: "For God's sakes, can
somebody hear me back there and get us a damn referee, there must be ten of
them back there!" Benoit and Rock back in the ring after taking a half lap
- Benoit with a right, whip is reversed, Benoit collides with Triple H, who
springs back up to the apron and takes offense. Benoit takes a swing at H,
but he ducks, then he drops down to the floor, hot shotting Benoit on the
way - Benoit staggers backwards and turns round - ROCK BOTTOM!
*Amazingly*, Hebner is crawling back in the ring - slow count coming -
1....2......3. (7:34) Rock
and Triple H share a look...but before
anything can come of *that*, KING KURT
ANGLE is running out and punking out
Rock with a clothesline on his way to grabbing Triple H. Kick to the ribs.
Kick, kick, kick, kick, Rock attacks Angle from behind but Benoit is up and
on the Rock - now Benoit and Angle doubleteam the Rock. A tepid "Austin"
chant fires up...and dies out. Not this week, friends, but soon. H back
up and pulling off Angle. Now they're paired off - Benoit on Rock and
Angle on H. H's shirt is pulled off to reveal tape around the ribs, and
that's where Angle is kicking. Benoit stomping on Rock as well. Stephanie
enters the ring, walks over to Angle, spins him around and sleps him.
Angle shows shock. "What are you doing? Why could you do that? What the
hell was that for? Did you see what he was doing to ME?" Benoit leaves
Rock alone to play moderator. "Hey - hey what are you doing? This is
Stephanie McMahon! What the hell are you doing?" Then BENOIT HEADBUTTS
HER STRAIGHT TO HELL! HA HAAAAAAAA BENOIT IS THE COOLEST EVER War Zone
credits are up, Kurt Angle's music is playing (why not Benoit's?) and we're
TNN - they got pop - I'm ready to pop THEM
WHOA! Hey guess what? RAW IS WAR REPLAY! YES! I'm gonna watch it AGAIN! GOD DAMN THE WWF RULES SO HARD