This weekend, an *amazing* program returned to WWF viewers: "WWF Metal" en espanol, on the Telemundo network. If you are a regular viewer of Metal or Jakked, find your Telemundo channel and set the VCR to 7pm Saturday (6 Central, 4 or 7 depending on feed Pacific). The BEST team calling action on television is Carlos Cabrera and Hugo Savinovich, even as they do it without English, and the reason for that is that they actually call action instead of hyping everything BUT the match. You can FEEL that they're genuinely enthused by action in the ring as their voices rise and lower. Cabrera does a MASTERFUL job of dubbing the old school interviews (what emotion!), which are introduced by Hugo Savinovich instead of the Coach. Good ol' Hugo ALWAYS just looks happy to be on TV - of course, there's a story behind that too, but it's STILL something refreshing to see on television. *Every* high spot should be prepended with "Peligro! Peligro!" Not only do they call the Rock "La Roca," which I always find incredibly cool, but they even tried to get away with calling referee Tim White "Tim Blanco." Go go go! And FINALLY, they cut out a whole ad break between the English and Spanish versions, which means I got a Kaientai entrance on Metal en Espanol that was replaced by an ad break on Metal Metal. I'd probably have a few more reasons if it weren't already Tuesday and I were late enough with the RAW report, but please - try out Telemundo's WWF Metal, unless you REALLY dig Kevin Kelly and Tom Prichard (or Michael Cole/Hayes) on commentary - and I'm guessing you could do without, at least ONE week. Hell, tape both and see for yourself!

I have *one* problem with Heat. ("Only one?" "Well, THIS week.") This is FREAKIN' MTV here - you telling me that NOBODY can say "ass?" THE WHOLE BLINKIN' HOUR they ran promos for "Jackass" and they didn't airbrush THAT out - come on, GET WITH THE PROGRAM

TONIGHT: Tag titles on the line when Too Cool gets a shot! What will Mick Foley do about Stone Cold Steve Austin? And that's the entire two hours! Come back after "Martial Law" is over!

QUICK QUOTE: WWFE 15 1/2 (- 2 15/16) - they really took a hit on an earning warning - Intel, Apple...WWF. Makes perfect sense

One World Leader TV-14-DL-CC Attitude - WWF!

Opening Credits - Close Captioned

PYRO! PYRO! Signs! Lights! "Transmitidato en espanol SAP" (but not on my cable system!), we are EN VIVO 2.10.2K from the MCI Center in Washington, DC on TNN - 17,063 in the building, and you and me watching along - RAW ... IS ... WAR!

IF YA SMELLLLLLLL starts off tonight's WEF Entertainment with a trip to all four corners. Tag team titles on the line tonight as the Hardy Boyz take on Too Cool! What will Foley do about Austin once Austin arrives tonight? And that's all the preview you get. The Champ is ready to talk....no, wait. First, the "Rock E" chant. Okay, NOW he's ready...no, he's just going to hold the mic to his lips, then wait for another chant. Oh man, it's gonna be one of THOSE nights. "Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK to D C! Y'see, there are certain things in life that always brings on - a gut natural instinct. If you see a fly, you swat it. If you see a little cute puppy, you pet it. And if you're Marion Barry'n you see crack...["Rock E!" FINISH THE DAMN SENTENCE] ...you ssssssssmoke it. And if you see Kurt Angle's condescending, smiling, smug face, if you're the Rock, the gut natural instinct is to take a steel chair and ssssmash it. And that's exactly what the Rock was trying to do last Thursday on SmackDown, until Stephanie McMahon-Angle...no, wait...no, that's not it, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley stuck her nose where it didn't belong, allowing Kurt Angle to get the 1, 2, 3 on the Rock, and do his goofy Olympic celebration. Now don't get the Rock wrong - he has no problem with Olympic celebrations. You see, there was a man who just competed in the Olympics, a super heavyweight wrestler by the name of Rulon Gardner. Now this man ... did ... the unbelievable, beat the unbeatable, quite frankly, Rulon Garnder went ahead and faced the Russian, and laid the sssssssmack down on his candy ass!" Are Rock's tires leaking? "Gardner laid the smack down on Karelin - how he celebrated is the way you're supposed to celebrate - Gardner did his little cartwheel, did his little roll, stepped on the Olympic podium, accepted his gold meadal like a champion...with a smile. Unlike Kurt Angle, who stood on the Olympic podium with crocodile tears running down his face...and if the camera'd panned down a little bit more you'd see the monkey (beep) rolling down his leg! So Kurt Angle, the Rock says he'll do anything to get your candy ass out here, so why don't you come out here and celebrate with the Rock tonight. Kurt Angle, come out and celebrate with the Rock, because tonight you've got your shot at the Rock's WWF title. So come on out, Kurt Angle, we've got a lot to celebrate about - we can celebrate that tonight you've got your shot, we can celebrate that you're on Olympic gold medalist, and we can celebrate the fact that the Rock is gonna whoop that candyass all over DC!" Esta aqui REY KURT ANGLE. "First of all, Rock, Rulon Gardner did not beat the unbeatable, because I wasn't in the Olympic Games! Oh, it's true - it's true. And I said this once and I'll say it again - how dare you - how dare you belittle my Olympic celebration! Now Rulon Gardner had himself a nice little win, and I'm sure some of the local papers picked up on it, but *I* captured the heart of America! I gave these people somethin' they never had - a reason to live - and that's true. And I will not let these people down - like some OTHER Olympic gold medalists from these parts - and I'm talking about Michael Jordan! Well? Nice job running the Wizards, Mike. You really seem to know what you're doing. And Rock, you say I got lucky on SmackDown!? You say I needed Stephanie's help? Well, think again, buster. Because I tell you what: I can beat you any time I want. And if you wanna go again tonight, I'll defeat you once again...and become the next WWF Champion. And in the process, I will teach every young American how to be like Kurt." Behind door number three, COMMISSIONER McFOLEY. Angle hands him his mic. "Kurt, I have been in the wrestling business for a long time. I've seen some horrible things. Gut-wrenching things. Nauseating things. But I have never seen anything as horrible as the image of a nationful of little Kurts! Now, Rock, I understand that you want a piece of Kurt Angle, heck, who doesn't? But tonight I'm gonna ask you to let him slide, because I happen to know there's someone backstage, right here in Washington DC, who wants a piece of you just a little more." And here comes EL HOMBRE NUEVO (con Stephanie Ono). We're, what, about halfway through? Kane, Undertaker, Benoit, check check check. Bit of a "Triple H" chant. "First things first, how DARE you, Rock...to make fun of this man's Olympic victory. Rock, you should be ashamed of yourself, because, quite frankly...that is my job." H and Foley break into fake tears. "Now Kurt, all joking aside, this has gone on long enough, right? I'm tired of this, and it's gonne come to an end. I'm gonna put something very simple to you, Kurt, so that your little peabrain can understand it. This is Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley." Steph waves her ring. "She is not your friend, she is not your pal, she is not your ally, she is not your buddy, she is not your chum, she is not your compadre - but what she is...besides being one of the hottest women on this planet...

I'll let you in on a secret. THIS segment is the reason your RAW report is a day late. When I saw this segment Monday night, it just sapped all the strength from me, and I ended up blowing off the RAW report for sleep. You shouldn't need ME to tell you that TWENTY-FIVE MINUTES IS TOO FUCKING LONG. Please, if you've never taken *anything* I've said to heart, read this: I AM NOT PRIMARILY WATCHING THIS SHOW TO SEE PEOPLE TALK. If they want to continue to sacrifice the opening quarter hour ratings, I'm going to start recapping during the SECOND quarter hour and you can find some other sucker to sit through the fifteen minutes of yakkking with a keyboard. Hell, I STILL would have to do ten minutes, wouldn't I. Yarrrgh. WHERE'S THE DAMN WRESTLING, KING?

I GET LETTERS: But don't take MY word for it. Here's Proty98: Hey,

Is it just me or did the above mentioned opening of Raw just clearly state WWF's agenda better than anything else. Basically saying put on whatever the hell you want WCW, we could bring out the Iron Chefs have them fight each other and still win ratings from you. I channel surf, so generally if whatever is holding my attention on either promotion is generally what I stick with till 10. When I jumped to Raw at 9 and saw the Rock I went back to WCW for awhile hoping the Rock segment was going to be short I checked back in and saw Foley making his portly way to the ring "Aw shit." I thought and went back to WCW realizing that I was actually missing what was seemingly becoming an entertaining match, checking in at the fifteen minute mark since even the WWF occasionly moves on by then I notice HHH, Angle, Foley, & the Rock "Dear God." I think to myself. Actually by this time the switching back and forth had developed into a sort of curiosity to see if Raw's intro could become more inane. It definitely hit it's peak with Kane and Rikishi coming out. Is it just me or does anyone else ever wish for the Mute (but lovable) Kane? In the end Raws opening combined with an overlong intro for the Hardy Boyz(is the Z supposed to scare us?) lasted around 30 min. My question is....Is this some kind of record? Death to the World Entrance Federation!

On the plus side, I didn't see ONE of those damn TNN promos this ad break. Hey, BY THE WAY, isn't "We've got pop" as grammatically INcorrect as "You've got mail?" And why'd it take me a week to think about that? A: Repeated viewing of muscle car guy temporarily disabled brain cells

WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: LOS NINOS HARDYS (con Lita) v. MAS FRIA (con Mandy y Victoria) - Champs enter first because the WWF is trying to turn me against them. Which channel is that "Women of Wrestling" show on again? So it turns out that that new music belongs to Too Cool, and I guess that voice ISN'T saying "Rikishi." Later tonight, Lita puts it on the line against Ivory! Hotty and Matt, tie up, to the corner, slap, slap, slap by Hotty, into the opposite corner, elbow up, Matt on the second rope, punches traded, Hotty up there as well, but shoved off. Matt with the legdrop. Does that have a name? I forget. 1, 2, no.

Backstage, Triple H and Stephanie share a private conversation with the millions of television viewers. "This isn't about SmackDown! again, is it? I thought that we went through all of that, we had it covered..." "It's got nothing to do with SmackDown!, it's cool." "Well what is it?" "I don't know, just... Something about tonight, I just can't put my finger on what it is, but...something's just not right. I got a bad feeling."

First TNN spot of the night is a bullrider. Actually, when I think bull riding, I *do* think TNN, so....apropos, yo.

On the other hand, this "Meaty Cheesy Boys" Jack in the Box spot in the local slot can NEVER be aired enough. Right, Rob?

The other local spot hypes the Saturday San Jose house show.

During the Break and backstage, Edge and Christian sized up the situation: "Dude, how can this have happened? This so totally, unabashedly, perpendicularly sucks!" "I know - we've gotta find somebody to beat the Hardyz - did you see our titles on them? They looked so...cold and - and lonely!" Foley: "Edgester, Christian! You boys been interferin' again? Look, I understand...you guys, you love the gold right? You need the gold." Edge: "I'm JONEZIN' for it!" "Tonight, I'm gonna give you a shot at gold." They slap five and celebrate until Foley stops them and tells them it's not a tag team shot (see: last week), but "a shot at Steve Blackman's gold - yeah, hardcore!" "That's not even real gold, it's, like all cracked and stuff!" "Hardcore titel? Mick, let me tell you something. You're nothing but a heinosissist!" "Not true - I'm a Sagittarius - ha ha ha! Just kidding, I'm a Gemini - TWINS, BABY!" (Foley and CRZ have the same birthday - Geminis RULE)

TAZZZZZZZZZZZ & RAVEN (with Milky Way's WWF Slam of the Week - Austin beating up Tazz, from Heat) and X-PAC v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with Let Us Take You Back To SmackDown!) and THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ - Hey Austin, anything less would be uncivilised! Pit stains aren't hidden by a black T-shirt, buddy! On SmackDown!, X-Pac interfered in a Jericho/Lawler vs. Tazz/Raven match, causing Jericho to lose. The Dudley Boyz made the save. So that kinda sets up tonight. Got it? No? Go read the SmackDown! report, I got no TIME for ya! Jericho foolishly rushes the ring, seeing only X-Pac in it - Tazz and Raven quickly beat him down from behind. Tripleteam beatdown occurs as Lawler offers to help, but Ross tells him to stay put. We STILL need the pyro and music before the Dudleyz come out. Now the opening bell FINALLY sounds. We're already hitting the "wassup" spot on Tazz. Tazz does the war dance as X-Pac comes in...and Buh-Buh Ray deals with HIM with a scoop slam. Raven in and punching away on D-Von. Into the corner, Tazz and Raven working over D-Von in the corner. Tag to X-Pac - kick, right, Raven and X-Pac whip him into the corner - Raven shoves X-Pac into the corner, but D-Von isn't home and 'pac crotches the second turnbuckle. D-Von pops out with a clothesline for Raven. Tag to Jericho - down goes X-Pac, down goes Raven, down goes Tazz on the floor. X-Pac whipped into the ropes, but it's reversed, flying jalapeno over X-Pac and into Raven! Ducking the kick, right puts 'pac down. Into the ropes from Raven, Jericho slides under, double leg, Walls of Jericho...but X-Pac breaks it up with a spin kick. Raven covers...1, 2, kickout! Tazz working on Buh-Buh Ray on the outside while D-Von works on X-Pac elsewhere on the floor. Inside the ring, meanwhile, whip into the corner is reversed, bulldog by Jericho as Raven comes out - ready to go for the quebrada but Tazz is back in - and there's the Tazzmission on Jericho! Buh-Buh Ray to the back to break it up - ducks Tazz's clothesline, full nelson atomic drop! X-Pac in with a standing heel kick to Buh-Buh Ray, D-Von with a sidewalk slam to X-Pac - Raven in - but there's 3D! Dudley Death Drop - Jericho off the ropes with a moonsault onto Raven - both men are legal, Jim Korderas! 1, 2, 3!! (2:24) Good GOD they packed a lot into three minutes. Hey, you know five of those guys were from ECW...

Look! It's Stone Cold Steve Austin! And he's WALKING!!

When we come back, we see Foley (and his stuffed dog) reading Playboy - or should I say "reading." Steven Richards comes in and takes offense. Buchanan and Richards ...well, I can't hear 'em. Venis says they're talking about Steve Austin, so I'll take his word for it. They tell Foley he must stop them...for the children. Or something. I think they asked Foley if he feared Austin.

Meanwhile, MICHAEL REY COLE is ready to interview Lita, but Jacqueline interrupts things by slamning a door onto her, running her into a wall, into a shower (hey! There's some chick showering in there! And she might be NEKKID!), and then Lita turns the tide and puts her hard into some restroom fixtures, back into the locker room - head to a chair. Jackie kicks, head into the - no I guess that's almost like an Acid Drop as Jackie climbs the wall, then drops down with a Diamond Cutter. Lipstick all over the face! Back out into the hall, right, right, into the door, Lita with a kick, swinging from...a hockey net? Kick into a pile of boxes. They're out near the trucks - Jackie whipped into a truck. PISO MOJADO SIGN! PYLON! Glass pitcher (misses)! "Oh, NOW you're finally gonna get it, (beep)" - Lita grabs a garbage can, but Jackie has finally made it near her - gutshot, can to the head. Lita taken to the nearby cyclone fencing. Lita back over to the truck - climbing onto the hood - now Lita's following. Side headlock, then hiptossing her off the truck into the padding below! Lita ready to moonsault on top of her - but Jackie sprays her with a fire extinguisher on her way down. Guess she didn't look where she lept. Jackie lays on the badmouth - got a garbage can lid - whack! Whack! Whack! FINALLY the referees convene and separate them...

Meanwhile, the Rock and Rikishi are ready to back their asses up, or something. That match is NEXT!

Wanna go behind the scenes with King and Ross? This weekend on Superstars, they have a very special sitdown with the Coach! Also, a sneak peak at the Rock in "The Mummy Returns!" And word of the new prequel, "the Scorpion King!"

WELL IT'S KANE and CHRIS BENOIT - THE BIG RED WOLVERINE MACHINE v. RIKASHMONEY and IF YA SMELLLLLLL (with RAW Credits and TV-14-DLV ratings box & CC symbol) - You know, it may have been a year, but I *still* miss old Rikishi Fatu's old Hawaiian theme. Benoit and Riksihi start trading punches. Now Rikishi only - right, right, right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, head down, kick by Benoit, clothesline by Rikishi, scoop slam, off the ropes, drumstick drop! Into the ropes, followup clothesline, right hand puts Benoit down. Tag to Rock - right, right, into the corner sternum first, clothesline to the back of the head, stomp, stomp, kick, into the ropes, reversed, back elbow by Benoit. Measuring the kick. Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, I think I got 'em all, chop, chop,

Mick Foley is WALKING! And this time, he MEANS it!

Another new TNN spot - it's a barber talkin' 'bout hair. "Short hair's certainly in!" Well, damn.

I saw that clown again, but he was trumped by the local spot over here - so far, TNN is emerging unscathed.

Golly! That kid STILL sees dead people! I need to see that movie some day so I can understand why all the Bruce Willis stuff is a spoiler...

COMMISSIONER McFOLEY is up for Talking, Part Two. "Well, as you're all aware, Stone Cold Steve Austin was run over by an automobile last November. Now presently, I have been conducting my own investigation, Steve Austin has been conducting *his* own investigation, it just seems to me that in the history of crime and punishment, no legal matter has ever been solved with a Stone Cold Stunner. But apparently, this is Steve Austin's way, so last Thursday, I told him the Stunners would not be tolerated, and then I used a couple of strong words... I said, 'stop performing the Stunner...or else.' Then, on Thursday night, Steve Austin responded to my promise with the following videotape, please take a look. Steve Austin interfered in not one title match, costing the Road Dogg a chance at the Hardcore championship, but a second title match, by stunning both X-Pac and Al Snow in a European title match. Then he walks up to me as I try to find out what the hell is going on, and he's disrespectful. So now what I'd like to do is give Steve Austin a chance to come out here and explain his actions...and I'm hoping, like most of you are, that we can come out of this with a very happy ending, so without further ado, Stone Cold, why don't you come out here." Without further ado, STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN comes out here. BY THE WAY, I turned on the Closed Captioning last night in the hopes of gleaning some knowledge of the words to the Disturbed theme - oh man was THAT a hopeless, futile effort. The CC guy just pretty much gave up completely, hitting about one phrase out of five. I got "step off" and "living inside you" and that's about it. Austin, of course, touches all four corners before paying any heed to da commish. "Steve, I understand that you have yourself a - a little problem with authority figures, but hell, I'm just the commissioner, I'm not necessarily your enemy. I am not Vince McMahon, I am very aware of your feelings about Vince McMahon - hell, the Vince McMahon/Austin feud helped make the WWF what it is today! (Did he just say "up yours, Russo?") But look at me, Steve. I don't have Vince McMahon's money, I don't have Vince's suits, I damn sure don't have his hairstyle, I don't even have Vince McMahon's guns! But you gotta understand this, as commissioner, when I make a promise, I need to keep it or else I might as well not even be in the damn ring! Now I understand you got run over by an automobile - I understand you're a little bit pis(beep)ff! You are free to conduct your investigation any way you see fit, but I need to have your word on this matter - and that word is *you will NOT interfere in matches again.*" "You see that's where we got the biggest problem of the night right here. You keep saying that you're trying to help me, you make all these promises, aw, you're gonna help Stone Cold out with the investigation, you're gonna get to the bottom of it, hold back Stone Cold, don't stun anybody, you ain't proved a damn thing but sit on your ass to me. And let me just go on record as sayin' how lackadaisical and how laughable your actions have been as far as trying to help Stone Cold...over the weekend I was sittin' at the house in front of a pile of empty beer cans...and a commercial came on the TV and it got me to thinkin, I said, 'yeah, maybe I need to go outside

EVERYONE in this TNN promo is gay. Especially THAT guy.

Moments Ago - hey, the one good thing about all these talky segments is we haven't had too many "Moments Ago" clips.

WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: EDGE v. CHRISTIAN (with RAW is WAR is brought to you by Sony PlayStation, Burger King and Milky Way) v. STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) in a triple threat match - I fully expect Steve Austin to run out and ruin this match, so I think I'll just lay out and watch this. But first, let me ask you - if this is a "triple threat" match, why doesn't Edge or Christian just lay down for Christian or Edge? Whoops, Blackman just pinned Christian off a Van Daminator kick to the chair near the head. No run-in. My bad. (3:17) For the record, tonight it was a *garbage can lid* that prompted "Oh, it's Party Time." Apparently, neither Edge or Christian really wanted the pin, too. I guess I'm sorry I blew this off. Not sorry enough to go back and FIX this, mind you. I'll just try harder NEXT time. Yeah.

Earlier Today, the RTC burned copies of Playboy while fans booed. Goodfather: "Can't you see, people, see that what you're doing is wrong? We just want you to believe in us, people! This is not a magazine of literature - this is pornography! This is filth, people! Why can't you people see that? We just want you to believe in us! You can't believe in a dirty magazine like this!" Richards smiles approvingly.

Sunday Night Heat on MTV ad - Golly! Rebecca already lost her last name!

Courtesy: Several Media Outlets, Let Us Take A Special Video Look at Chyna. Dig that brotha call her a "nubian goddess."

Richards and Venis are WALKING! They'll take on Eddie and Chyna NEXT!

That be a nothing segment, yo

RAW is WAR ad - seems a bit silly to me to advertise the show you're watching WHILE you're watching the show, but that's probably why I WRITE about it instead of actually DOING it, huh?

And now, the WWF Boot of the Week, brought to you by LUGZ! From SmackDown!, Chyna strips...and beats Steven Richards with a DDT.

EDDIE GUERRERO & THAT SLUT CHYNA v. STEVEN RICHARDS & BALD VENIS - Pier Four Brawl to start - make that a doubleteam on Guerrero. Venis finally steps out as Richards asks Guerrero (stting on the top turnbuckle) to please look into his eyes. Guerrero fights back, shoving Venis off the apron to the floor, then hitting a tornado DDT on Richards. It's been almost thirty seconds, so let's have the HOT TAG to Chyna - clothesline for Venis, clothesline, gutshot, DDT, 1, 2, Richards breaks it up. Back to the Pier Four - Venis dumps Chyna out through the ropes. Here comes GOODFATHER & WALL BUCHANAN (DQ 1:01) - here comes STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN - gutshot and Stunner for Goodfather, gutshot and Stunner for Buchanan. Richards hightails it - and backs into Chyna up on the ramp - testicular claw - Chyna send him into the ring - gutshot, Stunner. Eddie better leave...nope, gutshot, Stunner. Well, NOW I'm getting tired of him. Play his music! Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! Austin toasts Chyna - who giggles. Wow, she must really LUV her fiancee. Beer! Beer! Beer! I think he must have missed again with one of those beers. Beer! Beer! Here comes COMMISSIONER McFOLEY to interrupt the fun and beer. Have you noticed that the APA haven't TOUCHED a beer since Austin came back? Clearly, he's HOLDING DOWN THE BROTHAS. "Steve, you don't really leave me much of a choice - I can either fine you or suspend you from the WWF. So as the Commissioner of the WWF, what I've decided to do - ukk!" That's a gutshot and Stunner. Play his music! Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! He drops all three. Dotson hands him an errant beer. He dops ANOTHER beer! Damn, he must be drunk - he can't catch a DAMN thing!

TNN ad - no repeats yet - they might escape tonight

Chris Jericho eats ravioli - how come everybody else on the island is shirtless except for Jericho, hmmmm?

Your commentators are a pair of kings - LARRY REY & JERRY LAWLER. We learn that Austin has left the building.

Moments Ago, gutshot, Stunner, gutshot, Stunner, gutshot, Stunner, beer

Backstage, Foley demolishes his office set - and does a fair to middlin' Mankind rant while he's at it.

Meanwhiler, we look in on Triple H and Stephanie, as love-struck Ross says "Well, there's Stone--oh." "Feelin' any better about tonight?" "No - to be quite honest, I'm not feeing any better about tonight. But you know what would make me feel a little better?" "What?" "I need you to do me a favour." "Anything." "I need you to stay back here tonight. Now listen, Steph, I know, I know - but this is gonna be no place for you tonight, there's too much on the line tonight, I got this bad feelin', and I don't want anything bad to happen to you." "I - I can take care of myself! I want to be there for you!" "I know you want to be there for me, and I know you can handle yourself...but with what we're gonna do tonight with what's on the line tonight...please, just do me this favour, just stay back here, let me take care of this, okay? Do that for me? Just stay back here, I don't want anything to happen to you. Okay?" And off he WALKS! Stephanie pouts...and off she WALKS! And almost bumps right into Chris Benoit. She stops - with a start. "Oh!" Benoit: "How's yer head?" Stephanie slaps him one. Benoit smiles again - and starts to laugh...

NOOOOOOOO TNN REPEATS THE GAY AD WITH THE GAY PEOPLE GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY

Earlier Today, Linda McMahon and several WWF Superstars led a Rock the Vote rally at Capitol Hill. If Bush and Gore DON'T take the Smackdown challenge, I am BEGGING them to give them time to Harry Browne. BEGGING.

THE NEW MAN [Tri-PLAY AH-chay] (with 110,000 voters registered and Presto, who brings you WWF No Mercy from the Pepsi Arena in Albany, NY on the 21st!) v. REY KURT ANGLE sur la primero contendra (man, I need Hector, my offical translator - where are ya, Hector?) - looks like I'll have to wait until later to bust out "El Perro Del Camino" (which Cabrera & Savinovich *actually use* on Telemundo's "Federacion de Luche Libre del Mundial" - I swear, if I just keep watching, I'll teach MYSELF Espanol - "yo no soy marinero / soy capitan / soy capitan, soy capitan") H slides out with a dropkick to Angle as his back is turned out on the floor and here we go. Head to the barricade. Right hand. Right. Head to the barricade, and over...no, he falls back. Right. H in the ring, and back out. Head to the barricade. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. Whoops, NOW the opening bell sounds. Scratch that last minute. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner tells him to bring it in, and in they go. Angle manages to hoist H over to the corner and repeatedly ram his shoudler into the "please hit here" sign H has created out of tape around his ribs. Four big shots and Kurt goes back to the centre to recuperate. Now H removes the tape...oh, guess he was playing possum with that injury! Now I have to take THAT back, too. *These guys are making me look bad!* Right hand from H. Choking him with the wrap. To the corner...snapmare by the bandage. H runs him in circles, then throws him over the top rope to the floor. Ross actually muses about H getting disqualified - har, har. Outside - Angle avoids a drop on the barricade and drops H down with one instead. BELLY-TO-BELLY SUPLEX on the floor! Hebner again asks that they put it in the ring - Angle actually rolls H into the ring. Snap suplex gets 2 for Angle. Gutshot, vertical suplex by Angle - 1, 2, nope. Vertical suplex, 1, 2, no.

Dying to see that 25 minute opening segment again? Well, tough noogies - THIS is a repeat of "Martial Law!"

Wait a minute - did I miss the Women's title match?