/2 October 2000
WWF RAW is WAR
Hey, I saw Oakland win 23-2 on Saturday. I'll probably forget to tell my
grandchildren I was there, so I'll just tell you now, instead. I still
have the sunburn to prove it, too! GO ATHLETICS ROOM
ON THE BANDWAGON FOR ME
This weekend, an *amazing* program returned to WWF viewers: "WWF Metal" en espanol, on the Telemundo network. If you are a regular viewer of Metal or Jakked, find your Telemundo channel and set the VCR to 7pm Saturday (6 Central, 4 or 7 depending on feed Pacific). The BEST team calling action on television is Carlos Cabrera and Hugo Savinovich, even as they do it without English, and the reason for that is that they actually call action instead of hyping everything BUT the match. You can FEEL that they're genuinely enthused by action in the ring as their voices rise and lower. Cabrera does a MASTERFUL job of dubbing the old school interviews (what emotion!), which are introduced by Hugo Savinovich instead of the Coach. Good ol' Hugo ALWAYS just looks happy to be on TV - of course, there's a story behind that too, but it's STILL something refreshing to see on television. *Every* high spot should be prepended with "Peligro! Peligro!" Not only do they call the Rock "La Roca," which I always find incredibly cool, but they even tried to get away with calling referee Tim White "Tim Blanco." Go go go! And FINALLY, they cut out a whole ad break between the English and Spanish versions, which means I got a Kaientai entrance on Metal en Espanol that was replaced by an ad break on Metal Metal. I'd probably have a few more reasons if it weren't already Tuesday and I were late enough with the RAW report, but please - try out Telemundo's WWF Metal, unless you REALLY dig Kevin Kelly and Tom Prichard (or Michael Cole/Hayes) on commentary - and I'm guessing you could do without, at least ONE week. Hell, tape both and see for yourself!
I have *one* problem with Heat. ("Only one?" "Well, THIS week.") This is FREAKIN' MTV here - you telling me that NOBODY can say "ass?" THE WHOLE BLINKIN' HOUR they ran promos for "Jackass" and they didn't airbrush THAT out - come on, GET WITH THE PROGRAM
TONIGHT: Tag titles on the line when Too Cool gets a shot! What will Mick Foley do about Stone Cold Steve Austin? And that's the entire two hours! Come back after "Martial Law" is over!
QUICK QUOTE: WWFE 15 1/2 (- 2 15/16) - they really took a hit on an earning warning - Intel, Apple...WWF. Makes perfect sense
Voice of Vince McMahon: "This World Wrestling Federation presention
is dedicated to the memory of Dennis Francis Patrick Dunn, the man who
pioneered the WWF television network as its first executive producer. His
legacy proudly continues." In Loving Memory - Dennis Dunn (1924-2000)
One World Leader TV-14-DL-CC Attitude - WWF!
Opening Credits - Close Captioned
PYRO! PYRO! Signs! Lights! "Transmitidato en espanol SAP" (but not on my cable system!), we are EN VIVO 2.10.2K from the MCI Center in Washington, DC on TNN - 17,063 in the building, and you and me watching along - RAW ... IS ... WAR!
IF YA SMELLLLLLLL starts off tonight's WEF Entertainment with a trip to all four corners. Tag team titles on the line tonight as the Hardy Boyz take on Too Cool! What will Foley do about Austin once Austin arrives tonight? And that's all the preview you get. The Champ is ready to talk....no, wait. First, the "Rock E" chant. Okay, NOW he's ready...no, he's just going to hold the mic to his lips, then wait for another chant. Oh man, it's gonna be one of THOSE nights. "Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK to D C! Y'see, there are certain things in life that always brings on - a gut natural instinct. If you see a fly, you swat it. If you see a little cute puppy, you pet it. And if you're Marion Barry'n you see crack...["Rock E!" FINISH THE DAMN SENTENCE] ...you ssssssssmoke it. And if you see Kurt Angle's condescending, smiling, smug face, if you're the Rock, the gut natural instinct is to take a steel chair and ssssmash it. And that's exactly what the Rock was trying to do last Thursday on SmackDown, until Stephanie McMahon-Angle...no, wait...no, that's not it, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley stuck her nose where it didn't belong, allowing Kurt Angle to get the 1, 2, 3 on the Rock, and do his goofy Olympic celebration. Now don't get the Rock wrong - he has no problem with Olympic celebrations. You see, there was a man who just competed in the Olympics, a super heavyweight wrestler by the name of Rulon Gardner. Now this man ... did ... the unbelievable, beat the unbeatable, quite frankly, Rulon Garnder went ahead and faced the Russian, and laid the sssssssmack down on his candy ass!" Are Rock's tires leaking? "Gardner laid the smack down on Karelin - how he celebrated is the way you're supposed to celebrate - Gardner did his little cartwheel, did his little roll, stepped on the Olympic podium, accepted his gold meadal like a champion...with a smile. Unlike Kurt Angle, who stood on the Olympic podium with crocodile tears running down his face...and if the camera'd panned down a little bit more you'd see the monkey (beep) rolling down his leg! So Kurt Angle, the Rock says he'll do anything to get your candy ass out here, so why don't you come out here and celebrate with the Rock tonight. Kurt Angle, come out and celebrate with the Rock, because tonight you've got your shot at the Rock's WWF title. So come on out, Kurt Angle, we've got a lot to celebrate about - we can celebrate that tonight you've got your shot, we can celebrate that you're on Olympic gold medalist, and we can celebrate the fact that the Rock is gonna whoop that candyass all over DC!" Esta aqui REY KURT ANGLE. "First of all, Rock, Rulon Gardner did not beat the unbeatable, because I wasn't in the Olympic Games! Oh, it's true - it's true. And I said this once and I'll say it again - how dare you - how dare you belittle my Olympic celebration! Now Rulon Gardner had himself a nice little win, and I'm sure some of the local papers picked up on it, but *I* captured the heart of America! I gave these people somethin' they never had - a reason to live - and that's true. And I will not let these people down - like some OTHER Olympic gold medalists from these parts - and I'm talking about Michael Jordan! Well? Nice job running the Wizards, Mike. You really seem to know what you're doing. And Rock, you say I got lucky on SmackDown!? You say I needed Stephanie's help? Well, think again, buster. Because I tell you what: I can beat you any time I want. And if you wanna go again tonight, I'll defeat you once again...and become the next WWF Champion. And in the process, I will teach every young American how to be like Kurt." Behind door number three, COMMISSIONER McFOLEY. Angle hands him his mic. "Kurt, I have been in the wrestling business for a long time. I've seen some horrible things. Gut-wrenching things. Nauseating things. But I have never seen anything as horrible as the image of a nationful of little Kurts! Now, Rock, I understand that you want a piece of Kurt Angle, heck, who doesn't? But tonight I'm gonna ask you to let him slide, because I happen to know there's someone backstage, right here in Washington DC, who wants a piece of you just a little more." And here comes EL HOMBRE NUEVO (con Stephanie Ono). We're, what, about halfway through? Kane, Undertaker, Benoit, check check check. Bit of a "Triple H" chant. "First things first, how DARE you, Rock...to make fun of this man's Olympic victory. Rock, you should be ashamed of yourself, because, quite frankly...that is my job." H and Foley break into fake tears. "Now Kurt, all joking aside, this has gone on long enough, right? I'm tired of this, and it's gonne come to an end. I'm gonna put something very simple to you, Kurt, so that your little peabrain can understand it. This is Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley." Steph waves her ring. "She is not your friend, she is not your pal, she is not your ally, she is not your buddy, she is not your chum, she is not your compadre - but what she is...besides being one of the hottest women on this planet...
is she is my wife. Now even you can
understand that. But Kurt, over the last few months, I've been wastin' my
time playin' around with you, tryin' to beat something into your head that
you don't seem to be understanding. Now, what I shoulda been doing,
instead of screwin' around with you, is I shoulda been going for that.
Because, Rock, you're carryin' around something that belongs to me; you
see, you never beat me for that, so the way I see it, you're just keepin'
it warm 'til I'm ready. I shoulda been havin' my run - I shoulda been
continuing my run as World Wrestling Federation champ, but instead, week
after week, I'm messin' around with you. So it comes to an end tonight -
Mick Foley, I'm not out here asking for a shot at being the champion, I'm
out here asking...let me show him once and for all that if he can't
understand it on his own, let me beat it into his thick skull - give me
Kurt Angle." "Wait a second, wait a second, Triple H, I'm in a little bit
of a bind here, because you want Kurt Angle, but Kurt Angle wants a shot at
the WWF title. But I think I've got a solution, you see, tonight, right
here in Washington, DC...I'm going to give you a piece of Kurt Angle, and
the winner will be the #1 Contender for the WWF title!" As if on cue, out
- and this segment shows NO signs of ending. "No I am
SICK and TIRED of having to come out here - NIGHT after NIGHT after NIGHT -
asking for something that *I* deserve. One way or another, whether you
like it or not, Mick, I'm going to get my hands on the Rock. If you want
it to be legal, if you want it to happen in the ring, well, that's up to
you. 'cause I swear to you, unless you put me in the ring tonight with the
People's Joke...not only will the Rock pay - you'll pay, the People will
pay, and I dare you to prove me wrong!" Batting sixth, WELL IT'S KANE.
"Foley...no matter what Benoit wants, no matter what YOU want, no matter
what the PEOPLE want, that WWF title will find its way around my waist.
ROCK, YOU'RE MINE! And then the time of raising your eyebrow - over. The
time of dropping your elbow - over. Your time, Rock - OVER! You see,
Rock...you have everything to lose, and I'm gonna be the one who finds it."
Oh, bloody hell, now they're giving an entrance to
Cole: "Stop the pain, King!" Me: "Oh, that was in my head." Lawler:
"Somebody play my music, I wanna go up and demand a title shot!" Me:
"Whoa! Lawler actually SAID that out loud!" "Kane...Kane..." he still
thinks the mic isn't working. "Kane...let me let you in on a little
secret. You see, tonight, you're not gonna get a chance at the Rock's
title. In case you didn't know, foo, me 'n' you got some unfinished
business to take care of. And Rikishi wants you to know that he backs that
ass up here in Washington, DC!" "Hold on hold on hold on. Everybody wants
a little something different - well, fortunately, I was bestowed upon me a
certain amount of intelligence when I assumed the Commissionary position,
so I have a little something that I think will make everybody happy. You
see, tonight, In This Very Ring, Benoit - you and Kane will team up to face
the team of Rikishi and the Rock." Benoit and Kane leave, Angle goes to
leave. "Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoa. The Rock is not done.
You see, Mick Foley, the Rock is in a very giving mood as well. Now Kane,
since you just wanna find things... Benoit, all you wanna do is prove
things. Well, the Rock is gonna make both of you very happy men tonight.
You see, before you and Kane face the Rock and Rikishi, the Rock wants you
to do this - the Rock wants you to go find a very quiet place. You two
together, nobody else, you two by yourselves, go find a nice quiet place
where you can be alone. And all your dreams can come true. All your
dreams can come true - your dream, Kane, of finding things - your dream,
Benoit, of proving things can come true, and this is how you do it:
Benoit, when you're by yourself with Kane, pull your pannts down...go ahead
Benoit, pull your pants down, and prove to Kane that you're not a
woman...and Kane, since you just wanna find things...you go ahead and find
the penis Benoit claims he has!" The cadre of refs hold Benoit back. "And
after you two are through playing touchy-feely with Benoit's little
inky-winky - after you two jabrones are done doin' that, bring your
candyasses to the ring so the Rock and Rikishi can whip that ass one more
time, all over DC!" Hit his music. IF YA SMELLLLL HOW THE WWF SUCKS
I'll let you in on a secret. THIS segment is the reason your RAW report is a day late. When I saw this segment Monday night, it just sapped all the strength from me, and I ended up blowing off the RAW report for sleep. You shouldn't need ME to tell you that TWENTY-FIVE MINUTES IS TOO FUCKING LONG. Please, if you've never taken *anything* I've said to heart, read this: I AM NOT PRIMARILY WATCHING THIS SHOW TO SEE PEOPLE TALK. If they want to continue to sacrifice the opening quarter hour ratings, I'm going to start recapping during the SECOND quarter hour and you can find some other sucker to sit through the fifteen minutes of yakkking with a keyboard. Hell, I STILL would have to do ten minutes, wouldn't I. Yarrrgh. WHERE'S THE DAMN WRESTLING, KING?
I GET LETTERS: But don't take MY word for it. Here's Proty98: Hey,
Is it just me or did the above mentioned opening of Raw just clearly state WWF's agenda better than anything else. Basically saying put on whatever the hell you want WCW, we could bring out the Iron Chefs have them fight each other and still win ratings from you. I channel surf, so generally if whatever is holding my attention on either promotion is generally what I stick with till 10. When I jumped to Raw at 9 and saw the Rock I went back to WCW for awhile hoping the Rock segment was going to be short I checked back in and saw Foley making his portly way to the ring "Aw shit." I thought and went back to WCW realizing that I was actually missing what was seemingly becoming an entertaining match, checking in at the fifteen minute mark since even the WWF occasionly moves on by then I notice HHH, Angle, Foley, & the Rock "Dear God." I think to myself. Actually by this time the switching back and forth had developed into a sort of curiosity to see if Raw's intro could become more inane. It definitely hit it's peak with Kane and Rikishi coming out. Is it just me or does anyone else ever wish for the Mute (but lovable) Kane? In the end Raws opening combined with an overlong intro for the Hardy Boyz(is the Z supposed to scare us?) lasted around 30 min. My question is....Is this some kind of record? Death to the World Entrance Federation!
On the plus side, I didn't see ONE of those damn TNN promos this ad break. Hey, BY THE WAY, isn't "We've got pop" as grammatically INcorrect as "You've got mail?" And why'd it take me a week to think about that? A: Repeated viewing of muscle car guy temporarily disabled brain cells
WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: LOS NINOS HARDYS (con Lita) v. MAS FRIA (con Mandy y Victoria) - Champs enter first because the WWF is trying to turn me against them. Which channel is that "Women of Wrestling" show on again? So it turns out that that new music belongs to Too Cool, and I guess that voice ISN'T saying "Rikishi." Later tonight, Lita puts it on the line against Ivory! Hotty and Matt, tie up, to the corner, slap, slap, slap by Hotty, into the opposite corner, elbow up, Matt on the second rope, punches traded, Hotty up there as well, but shoved off. Matt with the legdrop. Does that have a name? I forget. 1, 2, no.
slam near the corner - tag to Jeff, in with a springboard into a
split-legged moonsault...Sexay breaks it up at 2. "It's cool! It's cool!
Lookit me dance!" Jeff busts a move of his own. Sexay takes offense at
being shown up and kicks a gutshot. Suplex by Hotty, tag to Sexay, open
kick. Sexay putting on the badmouth - right hand. "You don't dance like
that!" Right hand. Kick, right, into the opposite corner, Thriller, took
too long - crotching the second turnbuckle when Jeff flees. Sexay crawling
to the corner, BOTH men tag. Matt with the right, right again, backdrop
for Sexay, off the ropes with a clothesline for Hotty. Cover - 1, breakup.
Jeff in - all four men in, Sexay ducks a double first, but manges to
counter the ensuing hold into a double DDT. Hotty hooks the leg - but Jeff
dropkicks the face at 2. Into the ropes, reversed, Sexay in the corner,
Poetry in Motion by Jeff. Hotty whipped into the corner following a
reversal by Matt. Down again for Poetry in Motion, but Hotty steps aside
and Jeff crashes into the corner. Bulldog for Matt. W O R M - 1, 2, foot
on the rope. Now EDGE y
CHRISTIAN are out. In the ring, Matt sets up
Hotty for the Twist of Fate, but Hotty shoves him out. Clothesline ducked.
Edge comes in to hit the spear...but he misses Matt and hits Hotty. Why,
yes, Christian *did* occupy the attention of referee "Blind" Tim Blanco.
Matt tosses Edge over the ropes, then waits for Jeff to hit a swantonbomb
(owch) before hooking the leg for the fall. (3:49) See, Edge & Christian
want another shot at the tag titles, but they need to get the belts off the
Hardyz first, so they were trying....oh, you got that without me mentioning
Backstage, Triple H and Stephanie share a private conversation with the millions of television viewers. "This isn't about SmackDown! again, is it? I thought that we went through all of that, we had it covered..." "It's got nothing to do with SmackDown!, it's cool." "Well what is it?" "I don't know, just... Something about tonight, I just can't put my finger on what it is, but...something's just not right. I got a bad feeling."
First TNN spot of the night is a bullrider. Actually, when I think bull riding, I *do* think TNN, so....apropos, yo.
On the other hand, this "Meaty Cheesy Boys" Jack in the Box spot in the local slot can NEVER be aired enough. Right, Rob?
The other local spot hypes the Saturday San Jose house show.
During the Break and backstage, Edge and Christian sized up the situation: "Dude, how can this have happened? This so totally, unabashedly, perpendicularly sucks!" "I know - we've gotta find somebody to beat the Hardyz - did you see our titles on them? They looked so...cold and - and lonely!" Foley: "Edgester, Christian! You boys been interferin' again? Look, I understand...you guys, you love the gold right? You need the gold." Edge: "I'm JONEZIN' for it!" "Tonight, I'm gonna give you a shot at gold." They slap five and celebrate until Foley stops them and tells them it's not a tag team shot (see: last week), but "a shot at Steve Blackman's gold - yeah, hardcore!" "That's not even real gold, it's, like all cracked and stuff!" "Hardcore titel? Mick, let me tell you something. You're nothing but a heinosissist!" "Not true - I'm a Sagittarius - ha ha ha! Just kidding, I'm a Gemini - TWINS, BABY!" (Foley and CRZ have the same birthday - Geminis RULE)
TAZZZZZZZZZZZ & RAVEN (with Milky Way's WWF Slam of the Week - Austin beating up Tazz, from Heat) and X-PAC v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with Let Us Take You Back To SmackDown!) and THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ - Hey Austin, anything less would be uncivilised! Pit stains aren't hidden by a black T-shirt, buddy! On SmackDown!, X-Pac interfered in a Jericho/Lawler vs. Tazz/Raven match, causing Jericho to lose. The Dudley Boyz made the save. So that kinda sets up tonight. Got it? No? Go read the SmackDown! report, I got no TIME for ya! Jericho foolishly rushes the ring, seeing only X-Pac in it - Tazz and Raven quickly beat him down from behind. Tripleteam beatdown occurs as Lawler offers to help, but Ross tells him to stay put. We STILL need the pyro and music before the Dudleyz come out. Now the opening bell FINALLY sounds. We're already hitting the "wassup" spot on Tazz. Tazz does the war dance as X-Pac comes in...and Buh-Buh Ray deals with HIM with a scoop slam. Raven in and punching away on D-Von. Into the corner, Tazz and Raven working over D-Von in the corner. Tag to X-Pac - kick, right, Raven and X-Pac whip him into the corner - Raven shoves X-Pac into the corner, but D-Von isn't home and 'pac crotches the second turnbuckle. D-Von pops out with a clothesline for Raven. Tag to Jericho - down goes X-Pac, down goes Raven, down goes Tazz on the floor. X-Pac whipped into the ropes, but it's reversed, flying jalapeno over X-Pac and into Raven! Ducking the kick, right puts 'pac down. Into the ropes from Raven, Jericho slides under, double leg, Walls of Jericho...but X-Pac breaks it up with a spin kick. Raven covers...1, 2, kickout! Tazz working on Buh-Buh Ray on the outside while D-Von works on X-Pac elsewhere on the floor. Inside the ring, meanwhile, whip into the corner is reversed, bulldog by Jericho as Raven comes out - ready to go for the quebrada but Tazz is back in - and there's the Tazzmission on Jericho! Buh-Buh Ray to the back to break it up - ducks Tazz's clothesline, full nelson atomic drop! X-Pac in with a standing heel kick to Buh-Buh Ray, D-Von with a sidewalk slam to X-Pac - Raven in - but there's 3D! Dudley Death Drop - Jericho off the ropes with a moonsault onto Raven - both men are legal, Jim Korderas! 1, 2, 3!! (2:24) Good GOD they packed a lot into three minutes. Hey, you know five of those guys were from ECW...
Look! It's Stone Cold Steve Austin! And he's WALKING!!
No TNN promos in THIS break either. Somebody else must have
noticed, eh? I hope that person can cut the hell out of the opening talky
segment, too! Really, that's not TOO greedy of me...and you...right?
When we come back, we see Foley (and his stuffed dog) reading Playboy - or should I say "reading." Steven Richards comes in and takes offense. Buchanan and Richards ...well, I can't hear 'em. Venis says they're talking about Steve Austin, so I'll take his word for it. They tell Foley he must stop them...for the children. Or something. I think they asked Foley if he feared Austin.
Meanwhile, MICHAEL REY COLE is ready to interview Lita, but Jacqueline interrupts things by slamning a door onto her, running her into a wall, into a shower (hey! There's some chick showering in there! And she might be NEKKID!), and then Lita turns the tide and puts her hard into some restroom fixtures, back into the locker room - head to a chair. Jackie kicks, head into the - no I guess that's almost like an Acid Drop as Jackie climbs the wall, then drops down with a Diamond Cutter. Lipstick all over the face! Back out into the hall, right, right, into the door, Lita with a kick, swinging from...a hockey net? Kick into a pile of boxes. They're out near the trucks - Jackie whipped into a truck. PISO MOJADO SIGN! PYLON! Glass pitcher (misses)! "Oh, NOW you're finally gonna get it, (beep)" - Lita grabs a garbage can, but Jackie has finally made it near her - gutshot, can to the head. Lita taken to the nearby cyclone fencing. Lita back over to the truck - climbing onto the hood - now Lita's following. Side headlock, then hiptossing her off the truck into the padding below! Lita ready to moonsault on top of her - but Jackie sprays her with a fire extinguisher on her way down. Guess she didn't look where she lept. Jackie lays on the badmouth - got a garbage can lid - whack! Whack! Whack! FINALLY the referees convene and separate them...
Meanwhile, the Rock and Rikishi are ready to back their asses up, or something. That match is NEXT!
Wanna go behind the scenes with King and Ross? This weekend on Superstars, they have a very special sitdown with the Coach! Also, a sneak peak at the Rock in "The Mummy Returns!" And word of the new prequel, "the Scorpion King!"
WELL IT'S KANE and CHRIS BENOIT - THE BIG RED WOLVERINE MACHINE v. RIKASHMONEY and IF YA SMELLLLLLL (with RAW Credits and TV-14-DLV ratings box & CC symbol) - You know, it may have been a year, but I *still* miss old Rikishi Fatu's old Hawaiian theme. Benoit and Riksihi start trading punches. Now Rikishi only - right, right, right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, head down, kick by Benoit, clothesline by Rikishi, scoop slam, off the ropes, drumstick drop! Into the ropes, followup clothesline, right hand puts Benoit down. Tag to Rock - right, right, into the corner sternum first, clothesline to the back of the head, stomp, stomp, kick, into the ropes, reversed, back elbow by Benoit. Measuring the kick. Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, I think I got 'em all, chop, chop,
kick, kick, right, right, referee "Blind" Mike
Chioda finally gets Benoit out of the corner. Tag to Kane - Rock pops up
and clotheslines him. Damn the Rock. Right, right, into the ropes is
reversed, Benoit puts up a surprise back elbow. Rock turns around and
pulls in Benoit by his neck over the top rope, right, right, right, spit in
your hand, but Kane is a good scout and pulls back Rock's arm before he can
kiss Benoit with it - short clothesline puts down the Rock. Stomp. Stomp.
Kane's legal, you know. Uppercut. Elbowdrop, blatant choke for 4. Rock
with a right, right, right, off the ropes, Kane catches him in a sidewalk
slam. Kane outside - climbing up top...flying clothesline finds the mark
(just after he lands) - 1, 2, Rock kicks out. Tag to Benoit. Open kick to
the gut. Elbow, elbow, elbow, chop, clubbing blow, Rock right, right,
right, into the corner, clothesline ducked, Benoit with a lightning-fast
German suplex - holding on for two - Rock with three elbows to get out of
the third suplex, off the ropes, gutshot, DDT - 1, 2, Kane breaks it up.
Benoit with a stomp - and tag to Kane. Vertical suplex coming up...and
there it is. Whipped into the ropes, big boot from Kane. Thumb crosses
throat. Scoop...Ross says "tombstone time," KNOWING that that's banned,
arrrgh. Rock wriggles free, elbow to the back, into the ropes,
spinebuster. Shot for Benoit as well. And now the shoulder pad comes off
- the most ... Kane pops up and chokeslams Rock! YEEEEEEEAH - aw, Rikishi
comes in with a superkick behind the refs back. BOTH men are down now.
Chioda puts on the count...both men stir, and rise at 4. Kane does some
staggering and confusion while Rock makes a HOT TAG to Rikishi. Right,
right, right, right, into the opposite corner, Samoan Drop, clothesline,
into the corner, warmin' it up, fat ass splash. Benoit in - superkick for
him, Samoan Drop, and Benoit rolls out. Kane with a clothesline that sends
Rikishi spinning. Choke - but before he can chokeslam him, Rock is back up
and over. Rock with a right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT and
Kane goes outside. Benoit, on the outside, whacks Kane with a chair (huh?)
and throws him back in for the Rock Bottom from Rock - and Big Butt Drop
from Rikishi, who sits on him until the ref gets to
3. (6:53) What was
Benoit thinking? ask your commentators - and your show recapper! Kane pops
up post-match and walks up after Benoit...who is already gone. As
Rikishi's music plays, Rock and Rikishi pose.
Mick Foley is WALKING! And this time, he MEANS it!
Another new TNN spot - it's a barber talkin' 'bout hair. "Short hair's certainly in!" Well, damn.
I saw that clown again, but he was trumped by the local spot over here - so far, TNN is emerging unscathed.
Golly! That kid STILL sees dead people! I need to see that movie some day so I can understand why all the Bruce Willis stuff is a spoiler...
COMMISSIONER McFOLEY is up for Talking, Part Two. "Well, as you're all aware, Stone Cold Steve Austin was run over by an automobile last November. Now presently, I have been conducting my own investigation, Steve Austin has been conducting *his* own investigation, it just seems to me that in the history of crime and punishment, no legal matter has ever been solved with a Stone Cold Stunner. But apparently, this is Steve Austin's way, so last Thursday, I told him the Stunners would not be tolerated, and then I used a couple of strong words... I said, 'stop performing the Stunner...or else.' Then, on Thursday night, Steve Austin responded to my promise with the following videotape, please take a look. Steve Austin interfered in not one title match, costing the Road Dogg a chance at the Hardcore championship, but a second title match, by stunning both X-Pac and Al Snow in a European title match. Then he walks up to me as I try to find out what the hell is going on, and he's disrespectful. So now what I'd like to do is give Steve Austin a chance to come out here and explain his actions...and I'm hoping, like most of you are, that we can come out of this with a very happy ending, so without further ado, Stone Cold, why don't you come out here." Without further ado, STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN comes out here. BY THE WAY, I turned on the Closed Captioning last night in the hopes of gleaning some knowledge of the words to the Disturbed theme - oh man was THAT a hopeless, futile effort. The CC guy just pretty much gave up completely, hitting about one phrase out of five. I got "step off" and "living inside you" and that's about it. Austin, of course, touches all four corners before paying any heed to da commish. "Steve, I understand that you have yourself a - a little problem with authority figures, but hell, I'm just the commissioner, I'm not necessarily your enemy. I am not Vince McMahon, I am very aware of your feelings about Vince McMahon - hell, the Vince McMahon/Austin feud helped make the WWF what it is today! (Did he just say "up yours, Russo?") But look at me, Steve. I don't have Vince McMahon's money, I don't have Vince's suits, I damn sure don't have his hairstyle, I don't even have Vince McMahon's guns! But you gotta understand this, as commissioner, when I make a promise, I need to keep it or else I might as well not even be in the damn ring! Now I understand you got run over by an automobile - I understand you're a little bit pis(beep)ff! You are free to conduct your investigation any way you see fit, but I need to have your word on this matter - and that word is *you will NOT interfere in matches again.*" "You see that's where we got the biggest problem of the night right here. You keep saying that you're trying to help me, you make all these promises, aw, you're gonna help Stone Cold out with the investigation, you're gonna get to the bottom of it, hold back Stone Cold, don't stun anybody, you ain't proved a damn thing but sit on your ass to me. And let me just go on record as sayin' how lackadaisical and how laughable your actions have been as far as trying to help Stone Cold...over the weekend I was sittin' at the house in front of a pile of empty beer cans...and a commercial came on the TV and it got me to thinkin, I said, 'yeah, maybe I need to go outside
to get some
help.' So it might not - might not have been a very good decision at the
time, but I picked up the phone, and oh yeah, I called Cleo on the psychic
hotline. After about two and a half beers of listening to Cleo, I realised
one, she had a pretty cool accent, but two, Cleo didn't have a clue who ran
over Stone Cold Steve Austin, and I can look in your eyes, and listen to
your voice, and tell that you ain't got a clue either - meanwhile the son
of a bitch that ran Stone Cold over is in the back, somewhere, and you
ain't doin' a damn thing about it." "You see that's where you're wrong
Steve - that's where you're wrong. I understand, maybe my actions have
seemed a little bit lackadaisical to you, so what I did - at my own
expense, is I brought in a suspect who at the time was not just a suspect,
but the prime suspect, and I flew that damn person in with my own money -
he's here tonight, and he will come out to face the music...so
BILLY GUNN, come on out!" Well, shut my mouth -
here he is. Hey - how
long has THIS segment been running? "Seven minutes plus - and counting."
Hey, thanks. "Billy Gunn, let me say first off, welcome back to the WWF,
but more importantly, Foley has singlehandedly solved the case, so Stone
Cold, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna let you two gentlemen be alone and I'm
gonna let you handle, and make the verdict - Stone Cold style! Thank you
very much!" And Foley leaves Gunn and Austin alone....with only 17,063 in
the building, and you and me on the TV. Well, let's hear from the Ass - no
no, MR. Ass. "Now, Stone Cold Steve Austin, I've been saying this for
months, and I came here face to face, man to man. It's true, the night
that you got ran down I could not be accounted for. And yes, it's true, at
the time I was a loyal member of DX. And yes, and when you put two and two
together I am suspect number one. But, Stone Cold Steve Austin, I did NOT
run you down. My flight was delayed in Detroit, and that might seem a
little fishy, but hell, anyone can check on that - hell, every cop that's
been on - been on the case has checked that. But I do have some
information for ya. When we drove into the Joe Louis Arena, a car came
haulin' ass by me - and when I looked back at the footage, it was the same
car that ran you down...and for that split second, I saw the driver and
that's information that you want. You see, whoever the driver was, he or
she had blonde hair. Now I'm not just saying this to tell you what you
wanna hear - hell, you can ask the Brooklyn Brawler - he's the one that
picked me up at the airport. And I'm not telling you this just to save
DX's ass *don't get me started on that.* I'm telling you this, Stone Cold,
because it's the truth." "Hell, that story'd bring a tear to a glass eye,
son. But I can sit here and I can look in your eyes...and I can listen to
the sound of your voice. And I believe what you're sayin' IS true. But
the bottom line is, I never really liked you much anyway--" gutshot,
stunner, beer MISSES, beer ALMOST misses, Austin walks up the ramp and
backstage. "We haven't seen the last of the Rattlesnake tonight!" Oh, we
EVERYONE in this TNN promo is gay. Especially THAT guy.
Moments Ago - hey, the one good thing about all these talky segments is we haven't had too many "Moments Ago" clips.
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: EDGE v. CHRISTIAN (with RAW is WAR is brought to you by Sony PlayStation, Burger King and Milky Way) v. STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) in a triple threat match - I fully expect Steve Austin to run out and ruin this match, so I think I'll just lay out and watch this. But first, let me ask you - if this is a "triple threat" match, why doesn't Edge or Christian just lay down for Christian or Edge? Whoops, Blackman just pinned Christian off a Van Daminator kick to the chair near the head. No run-in. My bad. (3:17) For the record, tonight it was a *garbage can lid* that prompted "Oh, it's Party Time." Apparently, neither Edge or Christian really wanted the pin, too. I guess I'm sorry I blew this off. Not sorry enough to go back and FIX this, mind you. I'll just try harder NEXT time. Yeah.
Earlier Today, the RTC burned copies of Playboy while fans booed. Goodfather: "Can't you see, people, see that what you're doing is wrong? We just want you to believe in us, people! This is not a magazine of literature - this is pornography! This is filth, people! Why can't you people see that? We just want you to believe in us! You can't believe in a dirty magazine like this!" Richards smiles approvingly.
Sunday Night Heat on MTV ad - Golly! Rebecca already lost her last name!
When we come back, Steve Austin caught up to Steve Lombardi and
interrogates him. He didn't see the driver. Austin believes him - then
offers the Hand of Friendship. Brawler's flinch takes him backwards over
the table and wipes out something metallic. "Damn, boy, you might want to
try some decaf!"
Courtesy: Several Media Outlets, Let Us Take A Special Video Look at Chyna. Dig that brotha call her a "nubian goddess."
Richards and Venis are WALKING! They'll take on Eddie and Chyna NEXT!
That be a nothing segment, yo
RAW is WAR ad - seems a bit silly to me to advertise the show you're watching WHILE you're watching the show, but that's probably why I WRITE about it instead of actually DOING it, huh?
And now, the WWF Boot of the Week, brought to you by LUGZ! From SmackDown!, Chyna strips...and beats Steven Richards with a DDT.
EDDIE GUERRERO & THAT SLUT CHYNA v. STEVEN RICHARDS & BALD VENIS - Pier Four Brawl to start - make that a doubleteam on Guerrero. Venis finally steps out as Richards asks Guerrero (stting on the top turnbuckle) to please look into his eyes. Guerrero fights back, shoving Venis off the apron to the floor, then hitting a tornado DDT on Richards. It's been almost thirty seconds, so let's have the HOT TAG to Chyna - clothesline for Venis, clothesline, gutshot, DDT, 1, 2, Richards breaks it up. Back to the Pier Four - Venis dumps Chyna out through the ropes. Here comes GOODFATHER & WALL BUCHANAN (DQ 1:01) - here comes STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN - gutshot and Stunner for Goodfather, gutshot and Stunner for Buchanan. Richards hightails it - and backs into Chyna up on the ramp - testicular claw - Chyna send him into the ring - gutshot, Stunner. Eddie better leave...nope, gutshot, Stunner. Well, NOW I'm getting tired of him. Play his music! Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! Austin toasts Chyna - who giggles. Wow, she must really LUV her fiancee. Beer! Beer! Beer! I think he must have missed again with one of those beers. Beer! Beer! Here comes COMMISSIONER McFOLEY to interrupt the fun and beer. Have you noticed that the APA haven't TOUCHED a beer since Austin came back? Clearly, he's HOLDING DOWN THE BROTHAS. "Steve, you don't really leave me much of a choice - I can either fine you or suspend you from the WWF. So as the Commissioner of the WWF, what I've decided to do - ukk!" That's a gutshot and Stunner. Play his music! Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! He drops all three. Dotson hands him an errant beer. He dops ANOTHER beer! Damn, he must be drunk - he can't catch a DAMN thing!
Austin gives Foley the
finger on his way out. That's cute.
TNN ad - no repeats yet - they might escape tonight
Chris Jericho eats ravioli - how come everybody else on the island is shirtless except for Jericho, hmmmm?
Your commentators are a pair of kings - LARRY REY & JERRY LAWLER. We learn that Austin has left the building.
Moments Ago, gutshot, Stunner, gutshot, Stunner, gutshot, Stunner, beer
Backstage, Foley demolishes his office set - and does a fair to middlin' Mankind rant while he's at it.
Meanwhiler, we look in on Triple H and Stephanie, as love-struck Ross says "Well, there's Stone--oh." "Feelin' any better about tonight?" "No - to be quite honest, I'm not feeing any better about tonight. But you know what would make me feel a little better?" "What?" "I need you to do me a favour." "Anything." "I need you to stay back here tonight. Now listen, Steph, I know, I know - but this is gonna be no place for you tonight, there's too much on the line tonight, I got this bad feelin', and I don't want anything bad to happen to you." "I - I can take care of myself! I want to be there for you!" "I know you want to be there for me, and I know you can handle yourself...but with what we're gonna do tonight with what's on the line tonight...please, just do me this favour, just stay back here, let me take care of this, okay? Do that for me? Just stay back here, I don't want anything to happen to you. Okay?" And off he WALKS! Stephanie pouts...and off she WALKS! And almost bumps right into Chris Benoit. She stops - with a start. "Oh!" Benoit: "How's yer head?" Stephanie slaps him one. Benoit smiles again - and starts to laugh...
NOOOOOOOO TNN REPEATS THE GAY AD WITH THE GAY PEOPLE GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY
Earlier Today, Linda McMahon and several WWF Superstars led a Rock the Vote rally at Capitol Hill. If Bush and Gore DON'T take the Smackdown challenge, I am BEGGING them to give them time to Harry Browne. BEGGING.
THE NEW MAN [Tri-PLAY AH-chay] (with 110,000 voters registered and Presto, who brings you WWF No Mercy from the Pepsi Arena in Albany, NY on the 21st!) v. REY KURT ANGLE sur la primero contendra (man, I need Hector, my offical translator - where are ya, Hector?) - looks like I'll have to wait until later to bust out "El Perro Del Camino" (which Cabrera & Savinovich *actually use* on Telemundo's "Federacion de Luche Libre del Mundial" - I swear, if I just keep watching, I'll teach MYSELF Espanol - "yo no soy marinero / soy capitan / soy capitan, soy capitan") H slides out with a dropkick to Angle as his back is turned out on the floor and here we go. Head to the barricade. Right hand. Right. Head to the barricade, and over...no, he falls back. Right. H in the ring, and back out. Head to the barricade. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. Whoops, NOW the opening bell sounds. Scratch that last minute. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner tells him to bring it in, and in they go. Angle manages to hoist H over to the corner and repeatedly ram his shoudler into the "please hit here" sign H has created out of tape around his ribs. Four big shots and Kurt goes back to the centre to recuperate. Now H removes the tape...oh, guess he was playing possum with that injury! Now I have to take THAT back, too. *These guys are making me look bad!* Right hand from H. Choking him with the wrap. To the corner...snapmare by the bandage. H runs him in circles, then throws him over the top rope to the floor. Ross actually muses about H getting disqualified - har, har. Outside - Angle avoids a drop on the barricade and drops H down with one instead. BELLY-TO-BELLY SUPLEX on the floor! Hebner again asks that they put it in the ring - Angle actually rolls H into the ring. Snap suplex gets 2 for Angle. Gutshot, vertical suplex by Angle - 1, 2, nope. Vertical suplex, 1, 2, no.
Angle argues the cadence. Here comes
who never EVER listens. Angle right, right, right, right, and Angle spots
Stephanie and asks what the hell she's doing out here. Stomp, stomp,
stomp, stomp, stomp, Hebner gets the break. Angle with a right, right,
right, into the opposite corner, H puts up a foot - gutshot, going for the
Pedigree, but Angle hits a double leg, and elbows him in the groin.
Hebner and Angle argue about how low the blow was, then Angle covers - for
2. Right. Going for the...no, not the Olympic slam, just a death suplex.
THAT gets 2. Right hand by Angle. H asking him to bring it on. Right,
bring it on, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, head down,
facebuster by Triple H. Both men down...and slow to get up. It's Triple
H with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, right, right, whip into
the opposite corner is reversed, H ducks the clothesline and hits the
hangman's neckbreaker. I hear my first called spot of the night ("knee")
as H puts Angle into the ropes, Angle ducks, but H hits the high knee -
but the cover gets 2. H stands behind Angle, cradles the chin and cuts
loose with nine rights. Clothesline puts him outside. H follows - double
sledge off the steps to the floor. H removes the commentary tabletop and
removes a monitor - but Angle is over with a right, H right, right, right,
right, head to the table. Got Angle up on the table - H climbing onto the
barricade behind the table - and dropping an elbow on Angle, breaking the
table!! Amazingly, Hebner STILL doesn't DQ him. H holds his ribs - if
they weren't hurt before, they're definitely hurt again. The Presto
Double Feature shows the straight elbowdrop through the table. Angle put
back in the ring. Hebner and H having a chat - and standing too close -
so it shouldn't be too much of a surprise when Angle flails away with a
wild right - which lands on Hebner after H ducks. H with a right. Angle
put up on the top turnbuckle - H climbing up - "stand up, Kurt" -
SUPERPLEX!! H covers and hooks the leg...but Hebner is out.
CHRIS BENOIT is
out...and he's got Stephanie by the hair! Stephanie does some
screaming...and it's Triple H to the rescue. Right hand, right, right,
head to the barricade, whip into the STEEL steps, stomp, stomp, now Angle
is out and on H from behind. Right hand by Angle. H whipped into the
STEEL steps - which bounce off and land on Benoit! H rolled back in the
ring - Angle takes a chair. Ross busts out "It's 'Martial Law' out here"
for the second week (or should I say "weak") in a row. It's just like
Clue - Mr. Angle...in the ring...with the chair - raring back - and
*Stephanie* grabs the chair. Angle expresses some surprise...then turns
back into a gutshot, but before H can hit the Pedigree, Benoit is up
behind Stephanie, pulling her ankles off the apron - and causing her to
hit the mat with her face on the way down! H immediately drops Angle to
grab Benoit, who stops threatening Stephanie with the chair and smacks
*Triple H* with it instead. H falls backwards into an Olympic Slam...see
ya - Hebner makes his trademark slow count but it doesn't matter 'cause
that man's out COLD. 1.........2........3. Kurt Angle is YOUR #1
Contender! (8:22) Okay, he's MINE, too.
Well, Stephanie cost Triple H another big victory. Stephanie hits the
ring...and they embrace anyway. H does everything but say "Yo, Steph, I
did it!" But after he leaves and the music stops...H gets righteous. "I
TOLD you not to come out here!" "Hunter! I tried to help you!" H lays
it on until Stephanie turns on the water works...H turns his back on
Stephanie and takes off up the aisle. Ross IMMEDIATELY proclaims the
marriage in trouble - sheesh! Credits are up - one more WWF logo - and
Dying to see that 25 minute opening segment again? Well, tough noogies - THIS is a repeat of "Martial Law!"
Wait a minute - did I miss the Women's title match?