/18 December 2000
WWF RAW is WAR
QUOTE OF THE
I wish I could say I was surprised to see ya, Mom.
I wish I could say I was surprised to see you on Monday night. But then
again, I knew it was just a matter of time before you meddled in my
business. ... Well it's certainly not unheard of for a mother to feel
jealous or threatened by her daughter. After I was born, I took away the
very little bit of affection that Daddy DID show you. And as a result,
instead of showing me love and affection - you tried to control me. When
I was a little girl, you made me make my own bed! Instead of letting the
maid do it! When I was in junior high school, you restricted my funds to
a hundred dollars a week! And when I turned 16, you wouldn't buy me the
turbo model sports car, I had to drive the regular brand. ... And when I
went to college, you would only give me enough money for a one bedroom
apartment. So I had to *convince* our CFO to-ahhh, SLIP me a little extra
cash. Even at 19, I knew how ta - use my ASSets to get what I wanted.
That's a trick YOU taught me, Mom...the power of persuasion. Especially
as it pertains to the opposite sex - that's what this game is all about,
isn't it Mom? ... Control equals power? There's only room for ONE
dominant female in the McMahon family and that's ME! But I have to give
you credit - I certainly didn't think you had the GUTS to change the main
event at WrestleMania - to stack the decks against Triple H - or to
reinstate Mick Foley (if only for one night). ... I bet you think it's
the right thing to do - I bet you think you're pretty smart too - but
you're not. Triple H was right - you're simply...a conniving (beep).
Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, 23 March SmackDown!
If you ask ME, I'd have to say that in fact *continuity* is a (beep) - something bothered me about Stephanie getting all teary when her father accused her mother of being a good time girl...and I KNEW there was a reason I transcribed these things...so I could come back to them later!
Would it be safe to assume that the writer of the above words and the writer of last Thursday's words haven't met? Enquiring minds...wonder aloud...
QUICK QUOTE: WWF 14 7/16 (- 1 5/16 ... last year: 14 3/16) - fortunately, the adverse health of the CEO has yet to impact the stock price, eh?
AWARDS: The reason that THIS report is so late is I took an extra 24 hours tying up the 2000 rec.sport.pro-wrestling awards - in the past, it's been not only a good indicator of the online community's *current* faves and raves, but also an accurate predictor of trends for the coming years. If you can spare a few hours to dig into it, hop over to rec.sport.pro-wrestling.info!
Also, this year marks the first time the eleven year history of the poll that the results have been concurrently made on the World Wide Web - head over to http://www.CRZ.net/wrestling/awards/2000/ if you're more web-inclined.
YEAR IN REVIEW: Want to help put it together? With the Awards finished, now's the time to write and let me know!
So, what did I miss last night? Let's find out...together!
TONIGHT: RAW is LIVE on TNN! Last Thursday, Vince made this face. Huh huh huh...we'll find out more about Linda tonight. Also, Stone Cold Steve Austin is in the--
whoops, thirty seconds is up...back to SAMMO
How come they don't end WRESTLING shows with a blooper reel like they do for "Martial Law?" That'd be SO COOOOL
TV-14-DLV - CC - One...World...Leader...Attitude...WWF!
THE BOMBSHELL: "As far as my marriage is concerned, I want a divorce! Walk outta my life...and keep going! And dammit, don't you ever come back?" From two weeks back to last Thursday, as Stephanie begged her father to reconsider. McMahon's monologue was spiced up with photos of the items involved (dig that WWF airplane!) as well as an uncensored "bitches" from Pater Mac. Now it'd be wrong for me to once again point out Stephanie in tears here, considering that back at the beginning of the year, Stephanie told Linda....ohhhh fine. Shane's emergency phone call..."my wife...Lina...they just rushed her to the hospital........ (sinister music) ... " aww DAMMIT they cut the "huh huh huh...." THAT WAS THE BEST PART
BLOW UP STUFF it's another explosive Monday and another two hours of roller coaster...talking! We're transmitido en espanol SAP 18.12.2K from WWF New York as well as some nebulous place in South Carolina from an Arena They Dare Not Mention (secret inside sources - wwf.com, gotta give it up for the Trippa-Dub - maintain that it was actually the BI-LO Center in Greenville, SC - certain *other* top secret sources on the street confide to me that BI-LO is "a great place to shop") - LIVE on TNN....RAW is WAR!
BILLIONAIRE VINCE gimps out to get this party started right/quickly. Tonight: Austin vs. Regal! Jeff Hardy vies for the intercontinental title! The APA and Jackie team to take on T&A and Trish! Lita's at WWF New York...MAN this is a long entrance for them to run down the entire lineup, isn't it? Ross points out the unusual look Vince gave ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA - but fails to elaborate. "Tonight - tonight I come to you - tonight I come to you somewhat saddened...somewhat burdened...you see, my life, quite frankly, has not been the same - things have changed since last Thursday night...last Thursday night, as SmackDown! was going off the air, I received the news that my wife had been taken to the hospital. And I'd like to clear up something right now, for the benefit of my wife...as well as yours...you see, I - I fear that my reaction to the news that my wife had been taken to the hospital - I fear that my reaction may have been misinterpreted. I was...deeply...saddened over the news, but I know - I know that's not the way it came out. I mean, I know that - I know that when I heard the news, I...I laughed...and that wasn't the appropriate response and I recognise that as a responsible corporate citizen. But at the same time, many of you have had inappropriate responses - you've - you've laughed when you're supposed to cry, you've cried when you're supposd to laugh and that's all that was, I don't want you to think that I'm sort of...some sort of insensitive megalomaniac, I'm not! I was distressed over the news of my wife being taken to the hospital, much less when I heard the news that my wife had suffered a major nervous breakdown. And this may surprise some of you, but I'll take a certain amount of the blame for my wife's nervous breakdown...but only a certain amount, because some of that blame clearly should go to your commissioner, Mick Foley. Had Commissioner Mick Foley not pushed me over the edge at Madison Square Garden - who knows? Maybe I wouldn't have even asked for a divorce. Some of that blame as well would also go to my daughter, Stephanie McMahon, because I gotta tell ya..." "Fo Ley!" "Yeah, blame Foley for my wife's nervous breakdown, and blame my daughter as well. I mean, I would have NEVER, had my daughter not provoked me, I would have never mentioned the fact that my wife came from a very poor background, grew up on the wrong side of the tracks I'd have never mentioned that! Had Stephanie not provoked me, I surely would not have mentioned the fact that my wife's teenage reputation was reprenhensible as a good time girl, I would have not have mentioned that! And clearly, had I not been provoked, I certainly would not have made reference to what happened in the back seat of that 1969 Chevrolet Impala! I'm not a monster. I wouldn't have made reference to those things - no, indeed not. You know, it just seems to me that sometimes when you're misinterpreted, you do the best to explain...but sometimes that explanation just isn't good enough, is it, so therefore, starting tonight, in my personal life as well as my business life I'm gonna start making things right. But before I do, I must say there's someone else who should take a certain amount, if not most of the amount of the blame for my wife's nervous breakdown, and that person - and you're probably going to think I'm insensitive when I say this, but that person is my wife, Linda. You know, she really should take most of the blame for her nervous breakdown - how would I have know she's so fragile? So delicate, so...so weak? How would I have known that? Nonetheless, things will be made right, and...I certainly hope that my wife Linda is watching this program tonight, just as I know she watched SmackDown! last Thursday - and Linda...just to show you that I'm not some sort of a monster, I wanna let you know that I've instructed my attorneys, as of last Friday, I instructed my attorneys to *temporarily* stop the divorce proceedings until you get better. And...and one other thing, Linda, and I hope I can make it through this without - without breaking down and without crying (I am an emotional man) but Linda, I hope you're watching, I have put together this...sort of walk down memory lane for you tonight, so that the entire public can share in the way we were. Roll the tape, please."
Now, before you write me AGAIN saying "but WHYYYYYYY did Ross say they were married for 34 years if the 1969 Chevy Impala would have been made *31* years ago?" let me just say that MAYBE they're just doing it to PISS YOU OFF. Or *maybe* they secretly brought Russo back; he kinda loved to craft plot holes like that. Anyway, beneath the exterior of the type of music you'd expect for a "the way we were" vignette, we see wedding photos, family photos - YES SIR, Vince's hair NEVER changes! Linda's does, of course. Hey, that photo where Vince is dressed as a priest and she's the devil is interesting, though...is Vince sniffing over the soundtrack? Whoa, it's steroid Vince with the big guns, baby! Anyway, the last one is framed...in a heart. "Sometimes, I am so proud o' myself!" "My Time" fires up and STEPHANIE ONO walks out with a big ol' sour puss on her. Are they gonna switch up her music EVERY week? (A: "Depends which CD we bring to the taping") "What the hell are you doin' here?" "Dad....I came here to tell you what I think of you. Last week, I called you disgusting. But after what I've just seen here tonight, that description doesn't quite fit. After showing this video, after...divorcing Mom, dragging her reputation through the gutter...your actions show me just how SICK you really are. Sick - you say you have a heavy heart? You have a DISEASED heart. Mom is a classy, well respected woman, and the way that you've treated her is degrading...deplorable..and downright revolting. You said I'm not Daddy's little girl anymore...and I'm PROUD that I'm more like my mother. Because when it comes down to it, Dad...you're just a MEAN OLD BASTARD." Crowd pops for the naughty word...that, or the plunging neckline. Who can say. Vince's eyes get wide.
"Is that right? Well just then let me
finish telling you another story about what happened in that back seat of
that 1969 Chevrolet Impala! Okay? I didn't wanna marry your mother - no I
didn't - I didn't wanna marry that *bitch!* No I didn't! Okay! But I had
to marry her, and if I hadn'ta married her, your brother Shane woula BEEN a
bastard!" Somebody shut off Lawler's damn mic already. At this point,
KING KURT ANGLE
makes his way out...and takes Vince's mic. "I know this
doesn't concern me, but I'm sorry, this is too much. I've been watching
what's been going on lately...and I'm appalled! (It's true) I mean, for
one family matter...for one family member to be so cruel...so
mean-spirited, so... MONSTROUS. I mean, I can't believe that. I mean...it
pains me to say this...but...Stephanie, I'm ashamed of you! How DARE you
treat your father with so much disrespect, the way you talk to him! Where
I'm from, boys and girls treat their parents with honour and respect. If I
were to my dad the way you did yours, I woulda been kicked outta the house!
Not to mention, there'd be a pretty good chance I would not have won these
Prestigious Gold Medals. I mean, talking to your parents like they're
common street thugs may be acceptible behaviour, in simple places like
South Carolina, but they're NOT acceptible behaviour to me...and that is
true." Behind Door Number Four stands COMMISSIONER McFOLEY -
minutes and no signs of stoppin'. Foley kicks away Vince's cane. "You
won't be needing this, Vince...because you're injuries are about as real as
the sentiment behind that video that sickened us all. Now I made a mistake
on Thursday night, Vince - you see, I referred to you as being garbage.
Now I realise now that I was wrong - you see, referring to you as being
garbage is an insult to actual garbage. See, Vince, you're worse than that
- you are the lowest form of scum I've ever been exposed to in my entire
life. I've had no love lost for your daughter, but any father, speaking as
a parent, man to man, any father who speaks to a child that way is scum,
Vince McMahon - it disgusts me. It was disgusted even more by the actions
that led to a good friend of mine, your wife Linda McMahon's nervous
breakdown." "Hold on a second there, mister. What are you insinuating?
That Mr. McMahon DROVE Mrs. McMahon to a nervous breakdown? With all due
respect, sir....that's a load of bunk! How do you know Mrs. McMahon didn't
have her nervous breakdown by seeing her husband take a Stunner, the Rock
Bottom and the Last Ride all in one night? How do we know that Linda
McMahon - Mr. McMahon's wife - didn't have her nervous breakdown because of
you, Mick Foley - because of you ramming your dirty, disgusting sock down
her husband's throat? And you should be the last one to be talking about
good parenting. How many times have your kids sat there ringside while you
got beaten up, annihilated - almost 'til you were dead? I don't know who
would want to marry you, Mick Foley...but if I were your wife - which I
wouldn't be, but if I were - I'd follow Mr. McMahon's lead and I'd ask for
a divorce, too." "Wait a minute - did you just say if you were my wife?"
"You know what I'm saying - don't turn this around, Foley." "Wait wait -
wait a second - you didn't say if you were my wife?" "No!" "First off,
Kurt...if you were my wife, I wouldn't marry a woman with a receding
hairline. I would not marry a whining, snivelling backstabbing crybaby
like you, Kurt Angle. No, Kurt - I am not going to make you my wife, but I
am going to make you defend your WWF Championship...right here in
Greenville, South Carolina!" "WHOAAAA - Mr. Foley, big deal! I mean,
didn't you already book me in a fatal four-way with the Rock, Austin and
Undertaker? Not to mention a six-man Hell in the Cell with those guys,
including Triple H and Rikishi? And guess what - I STILL came out on top.
So what kinda match could you book me in tonight that would be so bad, Mr.
Foley?" "Oh, Kurt, I've got a match - I've got a match, you see there's
one member of the active WWF roster that you have never taken on - and this
man is a tough guy - he's a bad ass, he's a former WWF
Champion...he's....Vince McMahon! It's gonna be you and it's gonna be
Vince and it's gonna be right here in Greenville, South Carolina! Have a
nice day!" Yikes.
The WWFShopZone.com ad is cut off by the standard ad break...wow, they must REALLY be running over to cut one of their own promos!
Moments Ago...too bad they didn't cut this retread of footage I just saw five mintues ago, though, huh?
Backstage, Stephanie gives the "lemon suckin'" face as she walks (WALKING!) to her limo, piles in...and they drive away.
Meanwhile, Matt Hardy tries to peptalk his brother by asking him to think about everything the Radicalz have done to them and Lita. If he beats Benoit he takes more than his title, he takes his PROD! (Sorry, I saw that on "The Critic" once). "It's time for Benoit to find out what Jeff Hardy's all about!" Matt slaps him on the ass on his way out. If MY brother did that to ME, I'd KICK HIS ASS.
WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: CHRIS BENOIT (with Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) v. JEFF HARDY - both men by their damn selves by order of the commish. Benoit starts quickly with forearms, kick, right, into the ropes, Hardy slides out, Benoit slides out as Hardy slides in, dropkick through the ropes, pescado! Benoit put back in - Hardy up the steps and turning to the crowd to chat - sheesh. Benoit calmly forearms him off the apron and facefirst into the mats on the floor. Into the barricade, and back in as the 1-800-COL-LECT Double Feature shows the pescado once again. Benoit with a deliberate death suplex. Stomps on the head. Snap suplex. Cover...2. Benoit with a knife-edge chop. Another big chop in the corner. Right.
Headbutt. Into the opposite corner, another methodical
chop. Into the opposite corner sternum first, and Hardy backs into a
German suplex...and a second...and a third. Benoit says that's it. Up top
for the sailaway headbutt - finds the mark! Cover - 1, 2, KICKOUT!!
Benoit shoots referee "Blind" Tim White a look, and goes back to Hardy -
going for the death suplex again, but Jeff shifts his body weight and
presses Benoit for 1. Hardy ducks the chop, Benoit catches the kick, and
also catches the enzuimuli kick. Forearm by Hardy forearm, into the corner
is reversed, Hardy springs off the top with a corkscrew...but only gets 2.
Hardy picking him up - trying for the Twist of Fate, but Benoit blocks it
by lacing the leg...pulling Hardy over his back - Hardy flips forward...and
Benoit takes him down with the Crippler
crossface. Hardy....taps. (3:38)
Benoit holds it for four, then stands over Hardy, belt in hand. Say,
that's just like one o' them Hardy matches from 1996...only with less
flippy flippy from the squash.
Vince and Kurt have a seat in the office. "Vince McMahon...once again...as WWF Champion..." he springs to his feet. "Y'know, that doesn't sound too bad, Kurt." "It's all right, it's not THAT great." Vince says that with Foley trying to humiliate him, what would humiliate HIM more than Vince McMahon: two-time WWF Champion? "Think about it..." "I - I - I gotta go, Vince." "Yeeeeah....Vince McMahon."
Mick Foley's Christmas Chaos is available now at WWFShopZone.com! Hurry up, Christmas is only a week away!
Now they go ahead and play the WWFShopZone.com ad they cut about ten minutes ago. I guess they made up the lost time by shortening the Hardy/Benoit match or something. Sighs audibly and so on.
Hey, there's the marquee of the BI-LO center! And there's a lovely wreath hanging on the exterior!
To the Edge & Christian segment we go! "Dude, and that is exactly why Balki was THE perfect stranger." "Yeah, the other dude's was a stranger, too..." Angle catches up to them. Christian asks what the dealy-o. "Look, I don't know what Foley's trying to prove, but I do know one thing. For all the crazy stuff he put you through, I really think he likes you guys." "Yeah, well he likes Pop Tarts and scratching himself, too - what do you want us to do about it?" "Talk to him! Try to get him to call this match off. Use your...Canadian charm! Something! I...I think Vince wants to take my title!" "Kurt, relax, relax - we'll go to Mick, we'll tell him how good his book (Christmas Chaos) is, even though it reeks, we'll give him some cotton candy, and we'll have him eating out of the palm of our hands...and I mean literally." "Don't sweat it, Kurtski." "Thanks guys....I owe you one!"
Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER. Let Us Take You Back One Week where Chyna suffered the Infamous WWF Spike Piledriver of Bouncy Death. Here's your injury update: last Friday at the Healthsouth Diagnostic Center, Chyna received an MRI. They don't know when - or if - she'll be back.
MICHAEL KING COLE stands with Billy Gunn, who will team with the Dudley Boyz to take on the Right to Censor. Gunn vows that one of the RtC is "goin' bye-bye...and it's for their own good." You can tell he's angry 'cause he forgot to say he's gonna make them fame-ass!
Meanwhile, in the commissioner's office, Debra reads Foley his own book (huh?) but this party is interrupted by our kazooin' tag team champs. "Mick - Debra - beauty and the beast...no offense, Debra! AHHHHHH!" "Listen, I just finished Christmas Chaos - what a great read!" "Really, what's your favourite part?" "Never mind that..." They try to plead the case for calling off the match - Vince has taken some major damage the past two RAWs - besides, there's a lot of deserving guys in the back who're gonna be ticked that Vince gets a title shot ahead of them! "Actually, from what we understand, the guys are really lookin' forward to the two of them beatin' the crap outta each other!" "Seriously, Mick - call the match off." "Ohh, seriously, Edge....no. But as long as you've got the kazoo and the sunglasses, we can have a little pardukey right here!" "Hold on a second...so we're just a couple jokes to you? You know, we're more than a couple sunglasses and kazoos!" "We're the damn tag team champions!" "Four times!" Mick laughs. "Mick!" "Sorry, I was just thinking about the time you guys posed with the midget who was dressed up like a Dudley - 'testify!'" "Is that funny? That's funny, is it, Mick? Well, let's show you something funny!" Edge upends the card table. "How funny is that?" Sensing they seek to be taken seriously, he books them in a title match. "Like we haven't been every tag team here in the WWF half a million times!" Foley says not this team - tonight, Right Here in Greenville, South Carolina, they'll be taking on the tag team of....the Undertaker and the Rock. Have a nice day - "and tell Kurt his match is still on!"
And now, the WWF Rewind, brought to you by the Presto Pizzazz Pizza
Oven (or, "Pizzaazz," if you watch the word spin around at the beginning of
the ad) - from Heat, Santa Claus goes through a table - it's okay, though,
because he was working for the RtC, so he HAD to go through the table.
Don't you understand?
THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ and THA 1 BILLY GUNN v. WALL BUCHANAN & GOODFATHER & BALD VENIS (with Steven Richards & Ivory) - Team One clears the ring and starts into it with Team Two - down the ramp we come. D-Von and Buchanan end up in the ring, so referee "Blind" Teddy Long joins them as the bell rings. Into the ropes, Dudley ducks, flying clothesline. Into the ropes, big boot by Buchanan. Herb told me to tell you the most over man in this match is the table, judging by the crowd's chant. Tag to Goodfather, open right hand. Into the ropes, Dudley ducks, crossbody gets 1. Tag to Buh Buh Ray, open right. Right, right, into the ropes is reversed, head down, big back body drop by the Goodfather. Winding up the running clothesline. Hard into the corner...setting up for the Censor Train...but Dudley pops out with a clothesline before he can even get going. Free shots for the other two men in tie and slacks - scoop and a slam while Long deals with THEM, allowing for the good ol' "wazzup" spot, testify dance, D-Von, it hasn't even been two minutes yet. Venis meets him outside the ring before he can find the furniture and they start brawling. Gunn picks off Buchanan on the other side of the ring - meanwhile, IN the ring, Richards is in - Dudley ducks the Stevenkick and grabs him...but Ivory makes the save with an uppernut. Goodfather with a right, right, over to the corner where Buchanan is back - and gets the tag. Open shot, right, right, blatant choke. Crowd wants tables and they're not afraid to let you know. Long is oblivious to all this, thanks to Gunn trying to get in. Off the ropes, duck, double clothesline and both men are down. Buchanan in brown slacks tonight - do they trade pants, you think? Tag to Venis, hot tag to Gunn! Clothesline! Clothesline! Into the ropes, back body drop, shot for Buchanan, shot for Goodfather, tilt-a-whirl slam gets 2 before the save - now ALL six men are in...ring empties of all but Gunn and Venis - Gunn going to set him up for a vengeance piledriver, but Ivory hops up onto the apron and tugs on what's left of his hair (in full sight of Long before he decides he better look somewhere else, I might add - hmm) - Gunn drops Venis and turns around to bring HER into the ring the hard way. Maybe SHE'LL get the piledriver....no, Gunn will taste the Stevenkick instead. Venis over with the Censormanplex - 1, 2, 3. (4:02) I LOVE it when Right to Censor win, mostly because I'm the only person that doesn't get really pissed off about it.
Edge & Christian are WALKING! And pretty pissed. Kurt is behind them. "Guys, guys, hey - I'm sorry about this - but you guys can do it! We'll all retain our titles tonight, okay? Guys? Guys? Go get 'em..."
Meanwhile, Undertaker shadowboxes...the shadow survives. And now he's WALKING! Up to the Rock...who's got a pretty stare for him. Undertaker gives the "'sup" head bob - and now they're both WALKING!
Jesse Ventura, still wearin' that WWF sweatshirt while talking about the XFL. "I think Coach Lombardi would like that." *I* think Coach Lombardi would like to SPIN IN HIS DAMN GRAVE
Vince McMahon brings the baby oil. "Kurt, listen...the more I think about this idea - Vince McMahon versus Kurt Angle, the more I don't like it." "Thank God! Oh God, I was..." "...the more I LOVE it! I mean, this is a great idea, think about it!" "Why?" "Just think about it - if I become World Wrestling Federation Champion tonight, just think about what this would do to Mick Foley, it would drive him just as crazy as my wife, it would drive him right over the edge - think about that. Mick Foley, okay, now having to deal with me, Vince McMahon, World Wrestling Federation champion." "Yeah - yeah - I don't get it Vince..." "It's no a big deal, all you gotta do is take a coupla shots, I mean I'll try not to lay 'em in too hard, I mean, you know, and I'll just cover you real quick for the 1-2-3. It's not--" "With all due resepect, sir, no freakin' way! I'm not just gonna lay down and give you my title!" "Oh really?" "Really!" "Let me remind you who you are and where you are. You're not in the Olympics - you're in the World Wrestling Federation, okay?" "yes, I know." "And who brought you here, me, Vince McMahon, a billionaire, all right? Think about it." "Well, can I ask you a question? I mean with all your billions...do you have these? Where are YOUR Gold Medals? Huh, where are your Gold Medals? That's right, you don't have any...and you're not getting these...and you're not gettin' my title, either...Mr. McMahon."
WWF TAG TEAM CHMAMPIONSHIP: EDGE & CHRISTIAN (with RAW Credits & TV-14-DLV & CC boxes) v. ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' DOT COM (on His Beautiful Titan Bike - with a Limp Bizkit CD cover) and IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLL DOT COM - How do you get "Dead Man Walkin'" bein' TWO words? ("Dead man is just one word." "Huh?" "You heard me.") Rock is one of the 25 Most Intriguing People of the Year - he also took a coupla Respwies, which is *almost* as prestigious, I'm sure. Christian punks out Rock from behind, then directs referee "Blind" Mike Chioda to get Undertaker into his corner - right, right, right, right, right, right, right, Rock turns is around, right, right, right, right, into the opposite corner is reversed,
pops out with a clothesline. Right! Christian tries to reverse the whip,
but Rock slips under him and hits a death suplex for 2. Christian with a
right, right, tag, right, Edge with a right, right, right. Into the ropes,
reversed, head down so Edge kicks him...then runs into a powerslam for 2.
Head to 'Taker's boot - tag. Kick, soupbone, soupbone, threatening Chioda,
soupbone. Into the opposite corner, running clothesline. Back to the
first corner, but Edge puts up the elbow. Off the second rope...and caught
in a choke. Christian tries to save - 'taker pops HIM with a soupbone.
Back to Edge - soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, Edge ducks a soupbone and
switches positions - right, right, right, Chioda pulls him off and (get
this) warns about the closed fist. Edge pushes Chioda away...and gets
caught in a choke - Undertaker manhandles him over to the corner, soupbone,
left, soupbone, soupbone, Christian choked over to Edge, soupbone left
soupbone left soupbone. Christian whipped into the opposite corner,
soupbone for Edge, sidewalk slam for Christian, Edge manages a clothesline.
Kick, kick, into the ropes, head down, DDT by the Undertaker. Tag to Rock,
right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Christian wants to attack
but Rock cuts short, blocks, and throws a right, taking him to the
floor...but he turns back to eat the spear. Edge walks over to Undertaker
and cheap shots him, guaranteeing Chioda will be tied up while Christian
comes in to contribute to the illegal doubleteam. Undertaker pushes Chioda
aside, then walks over, scaring Christian out. Chioda back in - now back
out - rather intimidated. Edge has been choking the life out of the Rock
in the meantime. Tag to Christian. Edge has him into the ropes, up in the
sidewalk slam position - combo sidewalk slam/neckbreaker (yeah, I know, it
has another name which escapes me at the moment - you can mail it to me but
I'll just forget it AGAIN next time)...1, 2, NO! Christian stomps, stomp,
"Rock E!" Right, right, into the ropes, back elbow, to the headlock.
Undertaker leads the cheers by pounding on the turnbuckle - Rock fights
back up, elbows out, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Rock
ducks the clothesline, but Christian hits a nice heel kick - then tags
Edge. Edge putting the badmouth on the Dead Man - sorry, Deadman - happy
now? - and ends up taking too much time as Rock busts out Rock Bottom from
nowhere. But he can't capitalise. Slowly crawling to the corner....tag to
Christian, HOT TAG to Undertaker! Soupbone for Christian! Soupbone! Into
the corner, scooped up on the shoulder, powerslam. Soupbone for Edge.
Over the top rope to the floor. Arm wringer, "Old school," forearm from
the top rope. Clotheslined outside. Meanwhile, Rock and Edge are tussling
in the vicinity of our commentary team. Edge's face hits the
tabletop...and as he bounces back, he conks Chioda, putting HIM out. Right
by Rock - into the barricade is reversed by Edge. Christian and Undertaker
back in the ring - clothesline by the Reaper. Signalling for the Last Ride
- and there it is. Undertaker hooks a leg...but there's no referee. Crowd
counts three but that's not gonna get it done. Edge has a belt - and he's
not afraid to use it on the Undertaker. WHACK! Chioda slowly back in -
Christian slowly over to make a cover. Crowd chanting "Rock E" - 1, 2,
Undertaker kicks him out WITH AUTHORITY! Rock's made it back up to the
apron...and he wants the tag. Edge DOES get the tag...and he quickly runs
over to put a sleeper on the Undertaker just before he can make it to the
corner. Rock reaches...no. Undertaker falls backwards, breaking the hold
- and DOES tag! Rock in, block, right, right, right, into the ropes,
Samoan Drop, right for Christian, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT!
Spinebuster for Edge...well, if there's gonna be a run-in, it better happen
now before he hits the most electrifying....oh but he DOES hit the People's
Elbow. 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen....we have new tag team champions.
(8:40) Is it
too late to stop that "Edge & Christian are breaking up FOR
GOOD and I mean it THIS TIME" rumour from starting up again?
This month, the WWF Fanatic Series provides is a special presentation of "Three Faces of Foley" - dig it!
Moments Ago...eh, I don't know, I was in the bathroom or getting a snack or something
Our commentators spend a few moments pondering the significance of Lugz
Meanwhile, Vince McMahon has descended 'pon the commissioners' office. Vince promises to kick Kurt Angle's ass and become the World Wrestling Federation champion. Then he slaps him.
Royal Rumble promo features midgets and Amish dudes. I'll bet you thought I was gonna make a JOKE here.
When we come back, Vince is showing off he guns to the mirror. What
*I* wanna know is who's sitting behind the TV?
CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with RAW is WAR is brought to you by WWFShopZone.com, Castrol Motor Oily, and Magic: the Gathering - THE trading card game!) v. PERRY (with Terri...and Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) - Saturn is trying to avenge the injuries suffered by Malenko and/or Guerrero (damn you, Ross, and your inability to tell two completely different man apart). Lockup, knee by Saturn breaks it, elbow, elbow, right, into the ropes, Jericho ducks, chop, chop, chop, chop, into the ropes is reversed, head down, kick by Jericho, trying to come off the ropes again but Terri hooks the ankle, drawing Jericho's attention just long enough for Saturn to make ready with the superkick. Elbowdrop to the small of the back, knee, knee, tomahawk, full nelson - released dragon suplex! Into the corner, ramming the shoulder into the gut, elbow, elbow, Jericho fires back, Saturn with a knee, off the ropes, Jericho ducks, flying jalapeno. Right by Jericho, chop, into the ropes is reversed, Jericho springs off the second rope with...well, don't know what it was *supposed* to be, but it ended up Jericho putting his head in Saturn's gut and riding the headbutt all the way (almost) to the mat - 1, 2, no. Elbow by Jericho, elbow, into the opposite corner, setting up for the bulldog but Saturn has it scouted and FLATTENS him with a clothesline. Hooks the leg - 1, 2, NO! Saturn signals for it...Spicolli driver on the way, but Jericho slides down, rolls him up, grabs both legs and turns into the Walls of Jericho!! Saturn tries to get to the ropes...and fails, so he taps instead. (2:19) Jericho keeping it on him...referee "blind" Chad Patton urging him to release it, but he's not. Terri's in now, yanking on Jericho's mane to get him to drop it. Jericho turns towards her with a big smile - grabs HER hair, double leg, Walls of Jericho! This brings the VANILLA MIDGETS out quickly - Jericho manages to put Malenko down, stave off a crossface, but Saturn hits that DVD. Tejas Cloverleaf by Jericho, holding him long enough for Benoit to come off the top with a headbutt. Saturn puts Terri in his arms to carry her off...
Meanwhile, Vince is oiling 'em up - a knock at the door, and it's...Trish! "To what do I owe this unexpected...pleasure?" "I just want to say that I really admired what you did out there tonight, especially what you did to Mick Foley! You know, I love a man who takes charge." "You know something, Trish...that's something that, uh...(twirls her hari) I do real well is take charge." "Well, Mr. McMahon, I just wanted to also wish you good luck in your match tonight." "Well, thank you very much and...good luck in yours, Trish." McMahon puts another big glob of baby oil in his palm....OH GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY HE'S NOT GONNA DROP THE PANTS RIGHT NOW AND whew, he's just oiling up his biceps some more.
Meanwhile, Steve Austin's shadow is WALKING! Steve Austin matches it step for step
When we come back, the Acolytes talk to the cameraman...or somebody behind the cameraman. I dunno. "Do you have any idea how long it took us to get all that stinkin' hair and perfume smell outta our office?" Bradshaw says it's a one shot deal - you take care of the little silicone honey, Trish - Faarooq: "now wait, everything about her's real" - they don't need another diva running around the office, so "I'm sorry, you might be a great assett to the company--" "That you would be!" "Yeah, 'cause you got a hell of....anyway, we're not like big buckethead and prettyboy, we don't need a woman backin' us up, so I'm sorry, you take care of Trish and we'll take care of the rest." "That's for damn sure." "Are you even listening to us?" The camera pulls back to reveal Jacqueline. "Well if the two of you men would shut up for a damn second and give a lady a light and a beer, then maybe I'd pay a little more attention to ya. I take care of Blondie, you worry about your DAMN selves." Faarooq and Bradshaw share a look.
WILLIAM REGAL v. STEP OFF BECAUSE THE MAN SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING GOTTA FEELING THAT YOU WILL DOT COM in a nontitle match - "Good people of Greenville! I am here tonight on behoff of all of you. There is a threat here in the WWF, and that threat's name is Stone Cold Steve Austin. Steve Austin's rampant attacks on goodwill and myself are appalling, and I am here tonight to make an example of a man who besmirches myself, and you, the decent people. Furthermore, I insist, nay DEMAND
that he comes--" Well, Regal didn't let the music interrupt
him, instead cutting himself off a split second before the glass breaks -
whether you blame the music guy for missing his cue or Regal for improperly
anticipating the cue is a matter of personal taste. The vest is off and
Austin's sprinting before the introduction is over - Regal tries to throw
some lefts, but Austin's rights are quicker. Right, right, right, right,
head to the buckle, again, again, again, and so on, another, into the
ropes, Thesz press, nine rights, off the ropes with the elbowdrop. 1, 2,
Regal kicks out. Gutshot, kick, kick, kick, kick, snap suplex, 1, kicked
out right out at 2. Choke on the second rope. Boss Man straddle. Piper
eyepoke. Clothesline gets 2. Regal finally puts Austin through the ropes
to turn it around. Regal outside after him. Forearm, Austin with a right,
right, head to the commentary table, again, but Regal shoves him into the
ringpost shoudler first. Remember when these guys teamed? Another comedic
result of the Disney tapings, yuk yuk. Regal puts him into the ringpost
again - then waves to the crowd. Regal's the MAN. Back in the ring,
stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, blatant choke. I hope I got the
right number of stomps. Into the ropes, head down, kick by Austin,
clothesline, 1, 2, Regal kicks out. Regal with a drop toehold, forearm to
the back of the head, in the corner, six left-handed European elbows. Into
the opposite corner is reversed, Regal tries to climb to the second rope,
but forgets to do something after he's there, just hopping down instead -
and eating a right, right, right, right, right, right, shoving away referee
"Blind" Tim White (THAT'S GOTTA BE A DQ, CHRIS) but while his back is
turned, Regal kicks him in the nuts. Cover gets...2. Regal tries
again...2. One more cover, one more 2. Forearm - Austin right, right,
right, right, right, kick, kick, kick, kick, nine stomps...and one more.
But don't his NUTS hurt? Into the ropes, KICK WHAM - no, Regal shoves him
away...and into White. Too bad, too - after White made a big show out of
getting in the way and everything. Forearm to the back of the head by
Regal - big-time neckbreaker (ooh!) but White is out, so Regal foregoes the
cover in favour of going outside for his belt. Is he gonna WHACK him?
Well, Austin sees it coming - KICK WHAM
STUNNER. Austin looks at
Regal..and looks at the European title. Sure enough, he picks it up and
gets ready to let loose...but at that moment, White wakes up, looks at
what's in front of him....and calls for the bell. REGAL BEATS AUSTIN is
your headline, Daddy - and I must be clairvoyant. (DQ 4:32) Austin
protests, Regal nods. Austin appeals to the crowd, but White can't figure
how Regal would arrive at holding his jaw like that if not for a belt shot.
I have a feeling he's about to learn the hard way. Sure
WHAM STUNNER #46 now throw me a beer - Austin
gives Regal a finger...then
throws a beer at him...but Regal has the carriage - and smile - of a
victor. Austin points to his eye with his middle finger and now I'm losing
it 'cause this is SO damn funny. Man, only MY MAIN MAN REGAL can bring out
the COOOOOOL in Austin. For an encore, Austin upends a beer over White.
Let's go to an XFL ad!
XFL cheerleaders spot
Moments Ago, Austin failed to play well with others
The WWF Slam of the Week is brought to you by 1-800-COL-LECT! Thanks to Trish and a chair, Test defeated Bradshaw...from Heat, last night.
Kurt Angle meets a bruised (and beltless) Edge & Christian. "Listen guys, I'm sorry that it happened. But don't worry, you'll get your titles back...you always do. Right?" "Yeah, Kurt....whatever." "But look, what's done is done, the main focus now is what we're gonna do about my match tonight - I mean, I don't wanna lose my title too, ya know?" "Oh, that's right, Kurt - I almost forgot - it's always aboot you, isn't it?" "What are you saying?" "What he's saying is maybe if you weren't thinking about yourself all the time, we wouldn't even be in this situation! Let's go..." "Hold on, guys, guys! You don't know the whole story. There's more to it than that. Guys..."
T&A & TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL (with 1-800-COL-LECT presents the Royal Rumble!) v. ACOLYTES & JACQUELINE in tight, binding intergender action - I thought I already asked Katie to bar that door, but we got ourselves another Pier Six Brawl here - the Acolytes weakly paw at T&A in order to make sure we focus on Jackie, who hits a MONSTER spear on Stratus. Albert tosses Faarooq, taking us to the WWF formula one-on-one - Jacqueline repeatedly bouncing Stratus' head off the mat...surprisingly, it has no effect on her ("Hey! You're SEXIST!" "No, I'm blondist") as she pops up and rolls the mount - back and forth we go - whip into the ropes is reversed, and Test trips up Jackie. Trish stomping away - head to the mat, over and over and over and over and....sorry, I gotta go. I'll be right back. Jackie sent into the rope when I get back - scooped up, Jackie slips it and gets behind her, shoving her into the corner, rollup, pulling the tights (PULL HARDER!) for a questionable 2 - rapidly becoming a Teddy Long trademark. "Don't tell me that's Teddy Long again." "No, it's his brother...Huey." Overhand right by Jackie, right, into the ropes, Trish ducks the clothesling, gutshot by Stratus, bulldog gets 2. Jackie reaches for the tag but Trish has the ankle. Just as she gets to Faarooq, Long has to turn his back to keep Test and Albert from getting in the ring. Stratus ready to strike - no, wait, everybody rushes the ring and it's all cut loose once again. The men spill outside, so let's watch the women again (like we needed an excuse). Into the ropes, Jackie with a leapfrog, slipping under the clothesline, floatover DDT - 1, 2, 3! (1:47) Test & Albert hit the STEEL steps, so the APA take off up the ramp with Jackie
Back to the commissioner's office, where the card table has been meticulously reset with all items just so...seeming to guarantee it'll get upended once gain before this segment is over. "Hey Debra - Could I have a moment with Mick alone, please? Listen, Mick - you win, okay? I don't know what you wanna hear - just don't make me go through
match tonight. I mean, either Vince has something up his sleeve that's
gonna cost me my title, or I'm beatin' up and humiliating the owner of this
company, and I have ENOUGH enemies here...I don't need Vince McMahon too,
ya know?" Mick says he wants to help him, but when he called his wife to
tell her about the match, she got so excited that he's afraid if he calls
off the match, she might ask for a divorce. Then he weeps. Match stays.
"You know something, Mick...I'm not gonna forget this." "Neither will I,
Kurt....neither will I." Well, I'll be jiggered - Kurt didn't upend the
TNN - one gay guy after another saying "pop"
WWFShopZone.com ad #...I forgot - strangely, even though we're only a week away from Christmas, I haven't seen any WWF-themed ads during the breaks. Maybe they sold 'em all out for the holidays?
Here's a look at WWF New York
Inside, and Earlier Tonight, Lita stripped down to lingerie as Ravishing Rick Rude's theme played
Meanwhile, Dean Malenko got an eyeful on the magic monitor that doesn't show what you and I are watching, but what the viewer wants to see....unless Dean's having that reaction to his OWN mug. Hey, isn't it funny how Jim Ross is all "Dean Malenko is James Bond" like it's some NEW thing...only because during the six months or so Dean's had that them, he's been stuck on shows Ross wouldn't be caught DEAD watching?
Meanwhile, Michael King Cole attempts to get a word from Mr. McMahon, who is WALKING! Any final comments? "Didn't I say earlier tonight it was time for me to make things right, both personally and professionally, didn't I say that? Good, then let me just remind you that, eh...this is the holiday.....season." Cole sums up our feelings by crinkling his eyebrows in confused fashion
Meanwhile, Kurt Angle is WALKING! And MUTTERING! And just for fun, TNN serves up two frames of "the Ab-doer" followed by twelve frames of "Dukes of Hazzard" in mid-stride. Why does TNN *do* that?
Meanwhile, our commissioner and his lieutenant look on from the office. "This is going to be good, Debra." "Oh, I know." "I've made many decisions, but this is one of my best.....and it's FINAL!"
The Royal Rumble Replay is from 1996 - Jake Roberts brings a snake to the ring as Vince McMahon and Mr. Perfect provide commentary. Lookit Mabel! Bob Holly! Bob Backlund! Hunter Hearst Helmsley! Henry O. Godwinn! Jerry Lawler wears the snake, which is so frightening it PERMS HIS HAIR!
WWF CHAMPIONSHIP: COMMISSIONER McFOLEY interrupts Lilian Garcia just after "World Wrestling Federation Championship." "Lilian...I know this match means a lot to you, I know you're in your home state of South Carolina...but all the same, this is a monumental match - and I think it calls for, if you don't mind, a very special guest ring announcer - I'm gonna introduce him to you right now...it's.....me! All due apologies, I'd like to announce the contestants. Our first contestant...has a receding hairline, has made some mention of wanting to by my wife - he's got two good ears smaller than my missing one, and he happens to be (believe it or not) an Olympic Gold Medalist. He is also a whining, sniveling, backsteebing crybaby...other than that, he's not a bad guy - he is your WWF Champion, Mr. Kurt Angle! Our next principle is a...he is a complete and total idiot - he is the owner of the WWF with a net worth rumoured to have more zeroes in it than an Angle family reunion. He is a horrible father, a terrible husband, and a few short weeks ago, he was the recipient of a Stone Cold Stunner, a Rock Bottom, he went for the Last Ride, and he also received Mr. Socko deep down into his gullet. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, the owner of the WWF: Vincent K. McMahon!"
WWF CHAMPIONSHIP: KING KURT ANGLE v. BILLIONAIRE VINCE - McMahon's confidence seems to have diminished as he walks out, although he quickly moves into that ultra-cool "I want da belt" hand motion towards Angle. Foley joins the commentary team, taking third headset. Vince points to the belt...and then gives himself the ol' Razor Ramon two thumbs "me" pose. Vince always comes back to the classics! Big-time staredown...the bell has yet to ring. Ross: "McMahon has been champion on one occasion...and *that* was a cluster." McMahon points to Foley - he's the real reason (men commit crimes). Angle decides HE wants to point at Foley as well...Vince sneaks in with a waistlock takedown as the bell rings. Vince pops up - TWO POINTS! TWO! Vince goes outside. "Two points, pal..." and now he's over to get the mic. "First of all, I wanta thank you, Mick Foley, for booking this match, because quite frankly, what you've just seen is me, Vince McMahon, a former state amateur champion just take down and score two points on the Olympic Gold Medalist.
I had no idea, quite frankly,
it was gonna be this easy." Then he POPS Foley with the mic! And
then...Angle comes outside and HELPS him slug Foley! McMahon goes for a
chair while Angle beats down Foley. Foley rolled into the ring as McMahon
watches. Foley with a right, right, right, off the ropes (and Hebner) with
a KO right! Vince in with the chair - Foley on HIM with an elbow to the
nose! About twenty rights later, Angle forearms him from behind. Angle
with a right. Head to the turnbuckle is blocked, and Foley's trick knee
acts up. He's going for the sock...and McMahon's about to get it
again...Vince with the comedic visage as he eats Mr. Socko. Angle grabs
the chair - WHACK in the back. EDGE &
CHRISTIAN are down with chairs in
hand. UNPRETTYER! (Okay, "conchairto.") Well, now "My Time" fires up and
out bounces STEPHANIE
ONO. "Stop!" She's got some sort of breasts -
PAPERS - in her hand. "Stop beating up on Mick Foley! Mick...I hope
you're all right because I've got something that could change your life
forever. I hold in my hand documents from the Board of Directors that
could very well change the face of the WWF forever! These papers clearly
state that since my mother, Linda McMahon, the CEO of the World Wrestling
Federation has been deemed mentally incompetent that the Board of Directors
has no other alternative than to grant full powers and authority of the
CEO's office... ... ... ...to MY dad." Vince smiles. "Congratulations,
Daddy - it's official!" "That's my baby girl, ahh? Sorry, Linda..if
you're in the hospital watching...business is business - and since I know
have complete and total full authority over the World Wrestling Federation
once again, that means that Mr. McMahon is BACK. So therefore, with the
power that is invested in me, Vincent K. McMahon, it is my duty to inform
Mick Foley that his services are no longer required. In other words...in
other words...Mick Foley...you bleeding hunk of adipose
tissue...YOU'RRRRRRRE FIIIIIIIIRED." Foley tries to lunge at McMahon...but
runs straight into a chair from Kurt Angle. Angle stands over Foley with
an evil smile on his face. "No Chance in Hell" plays again. Handshakes
for Angle, Edge, and Christian....and hand in hand with his daughter, they
take off up the aisle....and pause at the top. "Oh....oh, ah - oh, ah,
just one other thing....Mick, Mick Foley...Merry Christmas." THERE'S the
big embrace 'twixt father and daughter. Bring up the credits, bring up the
WWF logo - we're done.
THE BAND IS BACK TOGETHER
Damn, and here I was trying to be all clever pointing out the problems with Stephanie's performance from last Thursday...all I've done is fall onto the Wheel of Fortune again. I don't know about you, but when it all comes together, when it all makes sense, when you can go "aha" because it all SNAPS from a jumble of puzzle pieces to a razor-sharp picture....THAT'S why I keep watching this WWF. Because nobody, NOBODY else can keep putting it together like they can. And I have to keep coming back....because, dammit, it's worked - I *have* to know where it goes from here.
I'd STILL like 'em to explain Triple H surviving that fall in the car, though. OH SORRY