TONIGHT: Once again, no pre-show promo! I'm startin' to think that they only do these things to test the satellite on live broadcasts... but gosh, wouldn't it be nice to let us in on ANY of the show ahead of time?

One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

Stone Cold Steve Austin is WALKING! Earl Hebner relays a message from Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley demanding he see her in her office. Austin tells *him* that it better be about his title shot...

Opening Credits - with wreath (the wreath means it isn't live)

PYRO AWAY - another year, another 53 starts tonight. Coming to you from the Unnamed Arena (aka the Frank Erwin Center) in Austin, TX and transmitido en espanol SAP on the National Network 1.1.1 (taped 29.12.2K) New Year's Day 2001 and RAW is WAR!

TONIGHT: Rock vs. Kane!

TONIGHT: Undertaker vs. Rikishi!

Speaking of which...

ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' DOT COM (on his Beautiful Titan Bike) v. RIKASHMONEY (with Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) for a shot at a #1 Contender's match - the two main events previously graphic'd up for our benefit will set the main event for Thursday's SmackDown!; the winner of THAT match gets a shot at Kurt Angle *next* Monday. Rikishi, still at the top of the stage, stays put and points Taker's way...so he leaves the ring, gets back on his bike and drives up to meet him. Rikishi takes off. Taker follows out to the back on foot...and Taker drags him back out - they're trading punches for soupbones on the stage and Rikishi is dangerously close to the precipice...but he fires back. Taker swings it back and now heading they're down the ramp. Rikishi's head meets the STEEL steps (mysteriously on end and moved against the barricade so the bike could do its lap). Rolled into the ring and NOW the bell rings. Into the ropes, big boot. Rock looks on backstage on the monitor. Back elbow, back elbow. Whip into the opposite corner, follow lariat. Rikishi flumps down - Undertaker's gonna stinkface him! Oh, no, Rikishi's rolling under, so he's gonna follow him outside. "Oh no, not tonight!" Measured left elbow, soupbone, Rikishi fires back with an uppercut. But it's still Taker in charge - soupbone. Head to the commentary tabletop. Taker rolls him back in and follows...but right into a drumstick drop from the mighty Samoan. Remember, Rikishi gave him the squash last Thursday and Taker's still feeling it in his chest. Overhand right. Right hand. Right. I would now say "deliberate pace," yes. Taker fires back with a soupbone, and another. Rikishi with two rights as Kane watches a monitor as well. Into the corner...got him in the choke, but Rikishi headbutts out of the attempt. RIKISHIKICK puts Taker on his back. Right hand. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Crowd chants "Take Er." Another stomp by the big man. Right. Taker starts to come back...soupbone...soupbone...into the ropes, Rikishi ducks the soupbone, but eats a lariat coming back. Cover...only 2 from referee "Blind" Tim White. Uppercut by Rikishi to turn it back. BELLY-to-belly! Rikishi warms up his rump as Taker staggers to his feet...Rikishi running at him..and missing! Taker with the "make him triple spin" clothesline! (That MAY be more Rikishi than Undertaker causing the spinning, though.) Elbowdrop. Signalling to the crowd - he can't powerbomb this man, can he? No, no...Taker clutches his chest after making the attempt. It's just too much. Clothesline by Rikishi...and another drumstick drop. Into the ropes...head down...Taker with a DDT! 1, 2, 3! (4:58) Hey....Samoans are supposed to have really...well, he *did* pop up, rather pissed off that his really hard head didn't get him up before the three count. Replay of the DDT - and the fall. I think we've all learned a valuable lesson: DON'T PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN. Taker gives a "power to the people" salute to the EntertainmentTron.

Backstage, Austin finds the door with "McMahon-Helmsley" on it and barges in...where Stephanie is waiting. "Austin, I'm so glad you could make it." "Yeah, I bet you are. I heard you demanded I come to your little office, so I HOPE that you're here to talk about my WWF title shot." "Title shot? Heh - Well like every other WWF superstar, you have to *earn* a title shot, okay? And, going off of what you said on SmackDown! about loving to drink beer and raise hell, I've come up with a little job that I think you might enjoy." "Have you." "I have, and since you are under contract to the World Wrestling Federation, you'd better make do." Golly, Stephanie can't act! She pulls back a screen to reveal a table full of beer, and a vendor carrying a tray of hot dogs. "Tonight, you'll be taking...Kevin's job. And you better make sure that you sell every last ounce of these beers, and I threw in these hot dogs to boot." "Hold on, you want me to drink it or do you want me to sell it?" "Oh no no no. Austin, you better sell every bit of this beer, because if you don't, you will NEVER, EVER get a title shot. Better hurry up! Oh, and uh...happy new year." Crowd chants "We want beer!" The vendor removes his tray. "Well, buddy...I say ya oughta do what the lady says." Then he (most unfortunately) taps him twice in the chest while saying "Good luck, Mr. Austin." Right, stomp, stomp, stomp, into the wall. "Good luck."

Hey look! "Save the Last Dance" ad! That brother there is like the "Ozone" of this movie

Moments Ago, two paragraphs ago. Oh yeah, have I mentioned that Stephanie can't act? ("Yeah, two paragraphs ago.") Oh, sorry. I wasn't sure I'd gotten that across yet. By the way, the RAW logo has a lovely martini glass...which must symbolise New Year's Day...I guess.

JONATHAN COACHMAN catches up to an arriving Kurt Angle & Edge & Christian (who are WALKING!) and stooges off the two main events....and what they mean for his title next Monday. Angle is worried about this until Edge reminds him that he's practically a superhero and will have no problem with whoever it'll be on Monday. Coachman further stooges that the three of them have Jericho and the Dudleyz in a table match - this *also* takes them by surprise, and I presume they're now looking for Stephanie

ACCOLADES (with Jacqueline & RAW is WAR is brought to you by Weider, Castrol Motor Oily, and THQ's SmackDown! 2: Know Your Role for the PSX) and THA 1 BILLY GUNN (with Let Us Take You Back 3 Weeks) v. BALD VENIS & WALL BUCHANAN & GOODFATHER (with Steven Richards & Ivory & Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! & I wonder how much longer I can make this match description) - Bradshaw hooks 'em horns. Jackie hails from Dallas, doesn't he? Sign in crowd can't spell "YOU'RE" correctly. First clip is the spike piledriver, second is Ivory's take on Chyna. Pier Six to start - Faarooq tosses Goodfather while Gunn kicks Venis out. Left with Bradshaw, and the big whip into the ropes, and a big boot puts Buchanan on the mat. Snap suplex, floatover, 2 for Bradshaw. In the corner with the head to the buckle, kneelift, chop, into the opposite corner, Buchanan pops up with the "will he won't he" top rope springboard clothesline. Scoop...and a backbreaker. Legdrop off the ropes gets 2. Buchanan still in control - right hand. Into the corner, Bradshaw catches the followup crossbody...and throws him over with a fallaway slam. Tag to Faarooq. Open shot. Double neckbreaker gets 2. Right hand by Faarooq, kick, kick, XFL plug, back elbow up by Buchanan, big boot to put Faarooq down. Dragged to HIS corner to tag Goodfather. Open shot. Head to the buckle. Foot on the throat. Into the ropes, back elbow. Off the ropes with a wacky elbowdrop...but only gets 2. Goodfather whips him into the ropes again, but the head is down - Faarooq with a kick and clothesline - holding him for the tag to Gunn, but Goodfather frees himself and backs off. "You get your ass in here!" Oooh, he said a naughty. Venis gets the tag. Gunn's on him before he can get through the ropes- pound, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Gunn ducks the clothesline, leapfrog, nice dropkick...for 2. In the corner, right, right, right, into the opposite corner, Venis gets the boot up, Venis with the clothesline. Scoop....and a slam. Venis off the second rope...but nobody's home on the elbowdrop. Gunn with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, into the ropes (notice that one guy's doing all the running here? Hint: it's not Gunn), big back body drop, into the ropes again, tilt-a-whirl slam, 1, 2, RTC in to break it up. Katie, bar the door, it's a Pier Sixer goin' down. The ring quickly clears of all but Gunn and Venis - Gunn with a right, into the ropes is reversed, Gunn slips under the clothesline, hooking the arm and surprising Venis with his cobra clutch slam...referee "Blind" Teddy Long is shockingly in position to count...1, 2, 3. (4:16) Hey, that ain't right - the RTC always win! Damn you, Billy Gunn! Gunn further tries to set up Venis for an Acolyte-assisted spike piledriver on Venis, but his mates save him.

Backstage, Austin smells the hot dogs. "Austin, it looks like you're ah... eating up your profits..." "HA HA HA! That's really funny, Steph, I've just got a - I'm havin' a real big problem with my mustard here." But then it starts working, and he squirts mustard all over her. Stephanie reacts as well as an actress of her calibre can, and takes off. Austin smiles wide. "Ahh, you want any onions with that?"

Local spot for WCW's Sin gets suspciously cut off with a local spot for next week's RAW in San Jose. Check the box office on Monday for extra seats that will be released on the day of the show! Apparently, I'LL be doing that...because the WWF FAX machine was made in America or something...

Moments Ago, three paragraphs ago. Am I destined to see EVERY clip of Stephanie acting poorly TWICE?

Coming back to real time, Austin has the beer tray. He samples every beer - must be quality control, says Ross. Crowd chants "Austin!" then "We want beer!" This segment goes on for about two years

Meanwhile, Stephanie whines to Vince on the speakerphone as Janet the Makeup Girl fetches her backup blouse. "Dad, this is-" "Stephanie, now just calm down - calm down, I'm telling you..." "Get my other outfit - Dad, I can't calm down! Last week it was beer...this week it's mustard! It is all over my silk blouse." "I know and it may have been one of your favourite blouses, but Stephanie, we'll buy more blouses, I mean...come on, you can't let him get to you like that. Just remember one thing, Stephanie...you are a McMahon." There's a knock at the door. "That's right...come in!" "And you've got to always remember, Stephanie, you are a McMahon above and beyond everything else." It's Trish Stratus. "What do you want?" "We need to talk. Can we talk?" "Who's that?" "Oh, it's me...Mr. McMahon, it's Trish, Trish Stratus?" "Oh, uh...(voice lowers eight octaves) hi, Trish." "Hi!" "How ya doin'?" "I'm doing good....how were your holidays?" "My holidays were fantastic." "Um, dad, can we get to the point here?" "Well, yeah, uh, by the way Steph, I'm glad you called because I was gonna call you - tonight, uh, there's gonna be an intercontinental title defense by Benoit who will defend his title tonight against Test." "What? Against Test? Why should he get a title shot?" "I'm losing you - I'm going through a tunnel, here, dammit - I'm losing you..." "Dad, don't you dare hang up on me!" "Stephy! Hello!" "Dad... you know what, Trish? You can wipe that smile off your face. Your big-breasted tactics may work with men, but they certainly don't work with me. Your plastic smile and your fake laugh make me *sick.* And if there is any truth to the rumour that you were at a certain soup kitchen during the holidays, then you can forget about hanging out with the McMahon family. There's only one dominant female in this family, and that's me. Now GET out of my office!" Stephanie can't act, by the way.

Meanwhile, MICHAEL KING COLE stands at the oil drum set with the Dudley Boyz. As Buh Buh Ray tags a table with the names Edge, Christian and Kurt, D-Von says "Kurt Angle, Christian and Edge....oh, it's time! to testify! Oh it's time! to bow down! to the man! Oh it's time for us! to rectify! a situation! that you have created! Hah - and tonight...the bodies will lay motionless in a pile of steel...and broken wood. Ha!" "Michael Cole, Edge, Christian and Kurt Angle have made this match personal. D-Von, get the table."

January's WWF Fanatic Series entry is a very special presentation of "WWF Divas: Postcard from the Caribbean" - only $9.95 for all the near-nudity you need! And, for the rest of you, Mick Foley hosts. Heeey...isn't *Ivory* one of the Divas?

And now, the WWF Rewind, presented by THQ's "No Mercy!" From RAW last week, Blackman retains...and then loses the Hardcore title.

WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: RAVEN (with wwf.com logo and plundah) v. TAZZZZZZZZZZZ - Champ enters first, so he can make a big speech: "Today is a special day, ie a day that will live in World Wrestling Federation infamy. Because today is the first day of the Year of the Raven. And as far as all you intellectual cripples here in brain-dead Austin, Texas, you will bear witness to my reign of terror, and what has come to be known as the Raven Effect, and I WILL annihilate, and--" but the music cuts him off. Hey, I forget - are these guys friends or not? Guess not. Raven starts with a trashcan lid shot. Outside for another. Raven with a...noose! Around Tazz' neck, and another lid to the head. Over the barricade, lid, lid, lid...pulling him by the neck towards backstage. Tazz uses the rope to pull *Raven* back, then locks in the Tazzmission!! Raven's trick knee acts up to break the hold. Raven goes behin the curtain as Tazz removes his yoke. Tazz behind the curatin as well - picks up a garbage can (how'd he know that was there?) and brains him. Nothing referee "Blind" Jack Doan can do but wait to count the fall in a hardcore match... Into the women's restroom we go...and into a stall, where Raven gets...dunked...in some Mountain Dew. Ross sneaks in the most clever personal reference of the night with "I hope Oklahoma wins the Orange Bowl, I think Raven just won the toilet bowl!" Back outside we go...Raven reverses a whip and Tazz goes flying into a drinkstand. Now into another room, where CRASH & MOLLY & HARDCORE HOLLY barge in, along with referees Korderas and Long - Raven ducks a monitor toss and all four brawl. Out into ANOTHER hall where MR. PARTY TIME is waiting with a trashcanlid. He takes Raven down with two or three shots, but Hardcore starts beating *him* up...so Molly tries to sneak in a cover! Crash pulls her off at 1. "What are you DOING?" Tazz is back in the picture - Crash ducks the chair, and rams Tazz' head into the wall. He covers Tazz (what the HELL?) but before he can get a count, Raven unloads a fire extinguisher on the whole pile. Raven breaks a 2x4 over Crash and covers - Doan counts - 1, 2, 3. (2:27) Umm, he just pinned *Crash.* Apparently, that doesn't matter, as Raven tries to hightail it with the belt - Blackman is in close pursuit, but Hardcore hooks up with *him*, and the ensuing brawl allows Raven to sneak off. Holly just wrecked Blackman's chances *twice* - Blackman better deal with him.

Austin's down to one can of beer, looks like. And now he's WALKING!

Triple H shills Weider's Dynamic Muscle Builder - what, did he give up on Metacuts? They were supposed to make you The Game, and super orange to boot!

Here comes STEP OFF DOT COM, carrying the empty beer tray in one hand...and the last beer in the other. After hitting all four corners, it's time for another Stephanie-filled segment of mirth and merriment...but first, a word from the Rattlesnake. "You know, Steph, last week you came out here talkin' 'bout your new year's resolutions, and nobody gave a rat's ass about what you had to say. There's only one resolution Stone Cold Steve Austin's got, and that's to get a World Wrestling Federation title shot, so since I sold all your little beers and hot dogs, I want you to bring your ass out right now, and give me my title shot. (pause) I don't know what part of 'bring your little ass out here right now' you don't understand, it's real simple. I'm not askin' ya to come out here, I'm TELLIN' you to come out here, and if I have to...I'll go back to the dressing room, and drag your little carcass to this ring!" Well now "My Time" *does* play and out comes STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT in her backup blouse. Before you write, accusing me of NEVER saying anything nice about Stephanie, I'll offer "at least she took her damn hand off her damn hip." "WHO the hell do you think you're talking to?" "A complete bitch." "Okay, Austin. You really must be quite the salesman because I gave you a TON of beer and hot dogs to sell, and I haven't seen you sell one drop or one bite. Now, I think you either..." "Slut!" "I don't know if you hear 'em or not, but they're callin' you a (beep)." "I don't care what they call me. But Austin, I think you either gave all that beer and all those hot dogs away...or you ate and drank them yourself." "You callin' me a liar?" "Maybe - or maybe I'm just callin' you a beer-swilling...Texas...redneck!" "Hell, I appreciate the compliment but the fact of the matter is, I found a coupla thirsty sumbitches back there who bought ever single beer I had, and I thikn you know who I'm talking about!" On the EntertainmentTron, we see a table of beers and hot dogs...and the camera pulls back to reveal Faarooq, Bradshaw and Jacqueline. "You guys enjoyin' the beer? Yer damn right...so I guess, the bottom line is, Steph, since I done sold all your little beers and ate all the hot dogs, then I won't be needin' this sumbitch anymore, but I think it might look kinda cute on Daddy's girl," and he puts it over her neck. "You know that's--" "You might wanna be careful when you take that thing off, it's kinda sticky, I made a big mess of it." "Well that's real cute Austin, but if you think for one second--" "AW SHUT UP! (giant pop) See I don't give a rat's ass what you think. The only thing I care about right now is my WWF title shot, so how 'bout it, woman." "If you think, Austin, for one second that you can humiliate and embarrass me the way that you have my father...you better think again! But...seeing as how I am a McMahon, and I am a woman of my word, then I will have to put you in the mix tonight. You sold all your beer; you did your job. So tonight...In This Very Ring...you will face William Regal. And the winner of your match will face the winner of the Rock/Kane match, who will face the Undertaker, in a Triple Threat match for the #1 Contendership to the World Wrestling Federation championship on SmackDown! But Austin, I wouldn't be too disappointed when I lose if I were you, and you show up at the arena on SmackDown! and find yourself with a job more suitable to your talents...like scrubbing toilets." "It's not like you've been scrubbin' toilets with your toothbrush, woman - you understand what I'm saying? You can sit there, look me in the eyes when I tell you this - you can jerk around everybody in the back, but if you think Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna keep playin' games with you week after week, eh eh, you got another thing coming and I will make 2001 THE single worst year of your life!" "Are you threatening me, Austin? 'cause if I were you, I'd be more concerned with my match against Regal tonight than threatening me. Now get this thing off me!" "Well, since you been so sweet to me, I guess I could, uh... give a lady a hand, lemme help ya out there." Austin takes off the strap...and then pulls the tray away...ripping Stephanie's top off right with it. We take a prolonged look at Stephanie's back - she appears to be wearing a black bra. Stephanie clutches her bosom and runs up the ramp. "There's more foam in that bra than in one of my beers!" Play his music! I'll bet you a MILLION dollars we see part of this one more time, with a "Moments Ago" graphic, after the ad break

NEXT: A tag team table match represented by this graphic of a spinning table and these six guys! By the way, I *totally* prefer showing graphics of upcoming matches to showing the same shots of wrestlers walking down a corridor over and over - almost as much as I'm sure YOU prefer not having to see me type a certain seven-letter W word in all caps.

Royal Rumble "Amish and midgets" promo

CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with RAW credits and TV-14-DLV-CC boxes) and THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ (with tagged table...and Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) v. ACE in a table match - Technically, it was still Y2J when they taped the episode, but can't they come up with something new for THIS year? "Welcome to ("RAW - IS - JERICHO!") STEPHANIE - IS - NAKED! Seriously, Stephanie, you don't have to act embarrassed about what just happened; I mean it's not as though three-quarters of the locker room hasn't seen you undressed already anyways!" Thursday, it was the Olympic Slam for Buh Buh Ray, and a Stephanie Slap for Jericho. You know what, they never DID explain why Stephanie booked this match, at least as far as the unified team now entering the on-stage area is concerned. Maybe Angle will explain it to me. "Hey, Buh Buh - Buh Buh! Just so I know...how is your back after I put it through a table on SmackDown!" Edge: "Never mind that, but speaking of SmackDown!, Y2J, how did it feel to have your face have the crap totally slapped out of it by Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley?" "Yeah, Chris - you really have to admit, that was totally slaptastic!" "You know what, I'm doing just fine, Junior, Jerky and Jackass. And as far as Stephanie goes, the next time you see your little buddy, make sure to congratulate her on bringing new meaning to the term BITCHSLAP." Theses three hit the ring and here we go. Jericho and Christian end up going outside, Buh Buh Ray tosses Angle outside hard, Jericho putting Christian into the barricade. In the ring, D-Von hits a flying clothesline on Edge. For some reason, everybody outside stops fighting and we're back to one on one in the ring. D-Von with a right on Edge, right, "gimme the boot!" and he rams Edge's head into it. Christian in, D-Von clotheslines him down...then takes a clothesline from Edge. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, tag. Angle right, right, right, death suplex. Tag to Christian, open shot, right, right, Dudley right, Christian right, Dudley right, Christian right, into the ropes, gutshot, side Russian legsweep. Ross asks Lawler a second time why he didn't cry out "puppies" when Stephanie was relieved of her top - Lawler reminds Ross that when he snaps, he'll probably be taken out first. Tag to Edge, holding him for the elbowdrop. Kick to the head. Vertical suplex by Edge. Crowd wants...something or other. Tag to Angle, open shot, right, right, Dudley right, right, right, right, into the opposite corner, boot up by Angle. Angle with an elbow to the back of the head, tag to Christian, holding him for ANOTHER open shot. Right. Dudley fires back - right, right, right, Christian with a right, into the ropes, Dudley slips under and hits the hangman's neckbreaker. Big "Y2J" chant! D-Von *does* tag Jericho - big clothesline, another, free shots for Angle and Edge, Christian with a shot and a whip, but Jericho comes off with the flying jalapeno! Edge and Angle in - Dudleyz in - well, it's all broken down again. Everybody leaves the ring but Buh Buh Ray and Angle - Dudley right, right, right, D-Von puts Edge into the STEEL steps, Jericho looking to introduce Christian to the opposite set ot steps. Big slap by Buh Buh Ray - whip into the opposite corner is reversed, Dudley steps aside and Angle goes sternum first - scoop...and a slam....now holding him for "wassup." Testify dance by D-Von, polite request from Buh Buh Ray. D-Von puts the tagged table into the ring...but Edge whips him into the barricade. Angle must have recovered, because HE has the waistlock on Buh Buh Ray...who elbows out of the attempt. Christian back in to move the table out of the way...holy crap, Angle's head BOUNCED on that HIGH death suplex. Christian puts the boots to Buh Buh Ray, then repositions the table...Buh Buh Ray punches the ribs to break it, then runs Christian out of the ring. Angle back over - belly-to-belly overhead and it kinda looks like Dudley landed on HIS head - guess he owed him one. Unfortunately for Angle, Jericho moved the table prior to the move...now HE is on Angle - chop, chop, position table, crowd going nuts with the "Y2J" chant...Whip into the corner, setting up for the bulldog through the table but Angle ducks, gutshot, overhand right, setting up for the Olympic Slam but Jericho follows through and spins to his feet - double leg, Walls of Jericho! The champ TAPS, which goes completely unnoticed by the commentators, oh well. Anyway, it's a table match, so that submission is moot - and Edge is in to make the save, punking Jericho out of the ring. But the Dudleyz are at the ready - Edge turns - 3D - Dudley Death Drop! And that's that. (5:13) Hey! Somebody actually wins in their signature match! Alert the media! Replays confirm that my eyes weren't lying to me. Damn commentators AGAIN miss Angle tapping out. Edge is STILL down when we come back...

In the dressing room, Test laces up. There's a knock at the door. "Pffft - well look who finally decided to show up. You know Trish, why don't you do us both a favour, just go back to your little sugar daddy and worry aboot managin' his money..." "Test--" "...'cause that's all you've been worried aboot lately." "Test, I don't know what kinda lies you've been hearing, but that's what they are - lies. I was home for the holidays - that's it." "Yeah, right." "And what's up with the attitude? You should be grateful for what I'm doing." "Whoa whoa whoa - you want me to be grateful? Then get me a match with Albert. If not, there's the door...don't let it hit you in the ass on the way oot." "Test, if you wanna end this partnership right here right now, that's your choice. But I had nothing to do with Albert leaving, and I have nothing to do with Vince McMahon. Test the only person I want to have anything to do with is you. You and your career. Test you've always been the star of this team - I knew that from the first minute I saw you - that's why I chose you first. Look, we'll get to Albert, but tonight, you need to focus on the bigger picture. Test you have a shot at becoming intercontinental champion - and Test, I wanna be there to raise your hand. But it's up to you." "All right what the hell we waiting for....let's go."

XFL Ventura spot - too bad I have to blow off opening night to watch the WOW pay-per-view...on second thought, OH NO IT ISN'T

Moments Ago, William Regal displayed at least three different hilarious facial expression 'pon leaving the door marked "McMahon-Helmsley."

WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: CHRIS BENOIT v. TEST (with Trish Stratus - the Fitness Model ... and Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) - Benoit is about two armband adjustments away from having Dean Malenko's old WCW entrance *down*. Oh boy, I hope they work "XFL" into EVERY match description! Test comes out to the old T&A theme...AND with the old T&A manager. Bell rings during the clip, but they may have done some creative editing to get around it, because it rings AGAIN a bit later. Benoit with a right, into the ropes, head down so Test kicks him, ducks a clothesline and hits a full nelson slam. Right hand by Test. Into the opposite corner is reversed, but Test gets the elbow up - gutshot - wow, blue thunder powerbomb (I think - it's been awhile) gets 2 for Test! Benoit catches the arm and tries to drop for the crossface, but he doesn't have a good hold on it - Test punches him in the face to break the hold - going for the pumphandle...got him up but Benoit goes over the back, and has the arm *again* - taking him down for the crosssface! Test crawls to the bottom rope...and makes it. Benoit holds on, waiting for referee "Blind" Jim Korderas' count. Ross wonders aloud if Benoit would get DQ'd on purpose just to keep the title. Gutshot by Benoit. Head to the buckle. Kick. BIG death suplex. Leg is hooked - 1, 2, Test kicks out. Rammed shoulder-first into the post. Benoit drops the leg. Backbreaker across the knee. Euro elbow, Test fires back with a right. Benoit delivers the elbow again, Test with a right, Benoit with a kick, and another kick. Off the ropes...into Test's big boot. Test outside...and going up top... But YAAAAAHLBERT is making his way down the aisle - Test decides that a better top-rope move at this point would be to dive onto Albert with a clothesline (taking out the cameraman in the process). Right to Albert, right, right, into the STEEL steps, actually taking them apart. Back in the ring, Benoit is ready - kick, chop, chop, into the ropes is reversed, Test with a tilt-a-whirl slam...for 2! Pumphandle slam - and the Meltdown DOES find the mark. We take the 1-800-COL-LECT Double Feature as Test goes up top one more time...but Trish is up on the apron...and shoving Test to the mat! Benoit rolls over and hooks the leg - 1, 2, 3! (4:42) She's over to check on Albert...but when her eyes meet Test's, she decides it's a better idea to hotfoot it up the ramp and outta there. Test tries to follow, but Albert punks him out from behind. Back and forth we go... Replay shows that yes, Stratus puts turning on Test higher than getting some gold in the camp. Coming back, they're *still* going at it and in addition to Korderas, it's gonna take the other SIX OF THE SEVEN REFS NOT NAMED HEBNER to get these two separated. Play...well, it's still T&A's music, isn't it? How confusing - I don't know who they're playing it for!

Backstage, Regal catches up to Debra. "Excuse me, Miss Commissioner, may I have a word?" "Yeah, William, what can I do for you?" "Well, first, do you mind covering yourself up a bit? I mean, your chest is rather distracting - it's hard to concentrate with those rather large--" "You know what, Willie, I guess you'll have to deal with it, honey." (That's my best guess, anyway.) "I've just come back from speaking to Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, and she has a very special surprise for my match this evening, and I wondered if you could give this wonderfully smashing good news to Stone Cold Steve Austin." "And what would this smashing good news be, Williwm?" "Well, in the interests of fair play and good sports, Stephanie has decided to appoint a surprise guest referee to our match to make sure that everything runs smoothly." "Is that right - and who would this surprise referee be?" "Well, if I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise, would it? Jolly good."

Moments Ago, one paragraph ago. JESUS CHRIST GUYS DO YOU THINK WE'RE WATCHING SOME *OTHER* SHOW? YOU'RE UNOPPOSED THIS WEEK!

SMILIN' DEAN MALENKO & PERRY & TERRI come to the commentary table to the R4dicalz theme for the next match...

HARDY BOYZ (with Lita & wwfyearinreview.com hype) v. KAI EN TAI - Well, it's more Dean on the headset, with the lovebirds cuddling nearby in a single chair. Before we get the second entrance, let's get the gist of Malenko's being out there. "You know, I don't know if it's me, or if it's just that, as of late, seems that Matt Hardy has been a little smitten with Lita. You know, I'm a competitor in and out of the ring, and I've showed what I can do to Matt Hardy in the ring. And if he wants to go toe to toe with me for Lita's affection, let me tell him one thing: if a woman has a choice between experience and inexperience, she will take experience any day." "Hardy Boyz! As we embark on the new year, the only mystery YOU will be solving is how to escape the shackles of defeat! AHH-Hahahahahaha!" "InDEED." Ross asks Malenko how he can be lusting after Lita while simultaneously being a married man. "Wait wait, hold on one second, Mr. Ross. I don't know where you're getting your information from...but I am-- in my family, my WIFE is married...not me." Taka and Matt start - Matt turns to Malenko again, which is a big mistake. Bif forearm in the back, kick, kick, kick, karate uppercut, another...Hardy blocks, right, back elbow to Funaki, right, back elbow, right, back elbow, head to the turnbuckle, head to the adjacent turnbuckle (wiping out referee "Blind" Chad Patton in the process), head to the next turnbuckle, head to the fourth turnbuckle. Taka stumbles into an apron clothesline from Jeff. Tag to Jeff - into the opposite corner. Lawler says he always thought Matt "was a little AM-FM." Must be a dated reference. Double wheelbarrow suplex. Cover,

Kane is WALKING!

Meanwhile, the Rock is WALKING!

Hey, what happened to my lovely graphics?

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Triple H shills Weider Dynamic Muscle Builder #2 - hey, who let all those women into the guys' locker room, anyway?

WCW Sin ad in the local spot...once *again* gets suspiciously cut off...hmm, don't tell me they've gotten to AT&T Broadband! (Or...maybe the cheque bounced, heh)

Earlier Tonight, Undertaker busted out a DDT to take out Rikishi, and advance to Thursday's #1 Contender match

TONIGHT: Rock vs. Kane! ("Hey, there's your graphic!") Oh yeah. I apologise, I guess.

TONIGHT: Austin vs. Regal! With a shadow wearing the stripes!

WELL IT'S KANE v. IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLL for a spot in the #1 Contender's match - Rock sprints out to catch Kane off guard and quickly, we're on. Block, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, but Rock gets crazy insane air on the flying clothesline. Off the ropes...and Rock finds himself caught in a monster sidewalk slam. Aha, Rock's ribs ALSO hurt from the Squash at SmackDown!'s end. Kane stomps on the ribs. Running kick to the back. "Rock E!" Forearm to the ribs. Stomp on the face. Right is blocked...right by Rock, right, right, into the ropes, reversal, head down, Rock takes his head to the mat. Backstage, a shirtless (yikes) Undertaker watches a monitor backstage. Kane scoops up Rock and puts him on his shoulder..but Rock wriggles free, and takes Kane over the top rope to the floor. Rock outside as well. Right. Head to the barricade is blocked - Kane puts his head there instead. Kane rams Rock's ribs to the barricade. Uppercut takes Rock into the crowd. Kane follows...as does referee "Blind" Earl Hebner. Kane scoops him up...BODYSLAM ON THE CEMENT!! Hebner manages to coax Kane back over the railing. Rock slowly crawls along the floor...now to his feet...and trying hard to get back to the ring...Kane meets him at the barricade and tosses him by his neck over the barricade to the mat. Rolled back in the ring. Kane to the top floor...poised, waiting for Rock to rise - to take him down with the big clothesline! 1, 2, NO! Kane holds him open and kicks the sternum. Body blow. Body blow. Into the opposite corner is reversed, but Kane gets up the back elbow. Right is blocked, Rock with a right, right, off the ropes..but Kane puts him on his shoulder and powerslams him down. Stomp to the ribs. Stomp. Another stomp on the lower back. Rock fires back - right, right, right, right, right, not much on those punches...Kane tries to reverse a whip, they do si do, Rock DOES put him into the ropes, and manages a Samoan Drop! Hebner puts on the count...5...but they both stir before 6. Kane to his feet first...Rock blocks, right, right, right, right, into the ropes attempted but Kane holds on and reverses, Rock ducks the clothesline, gutshot, DDT, leg is hooked...1, 2,

During the Break, Kurt Angle made a break for his waiting car, where Christian was behind the wheel and Edge was riding shotgun. Guess none of THEM are the special guest referee...

Replays of the doin's than went down in the previous match.

Another look at our hosts, who differ as to whether Angle's plan was premeditated or not. Remember, there will be a WWF Championship defense right here next Monday. To find out the final entrant in Thursday's Triple Threat...we must move on...

WILLIAM REGAL v. AD BREAK - "The only way that Stone Cold Steve Austin can continue his quest to become WWF Champion is through me, William Regal. And being your Goodwill Ambassador, I must say that Stone Cold Steve Austin cannot comprehend the complexities of his miserable life, let alone the complexities of becoming WWF Champion, so I have decided to put a stop to this nonsense. This toerag and your fellow Texan, Stone Cold Steve Austin...douses himself in beer after beer, making himself a gluttonous slob in front of millions. I ask you: is that a champion?" "Hell, yeah!" "I will no longer tolerate his nonsense. The man is out of control! Now, knowing that the man cannot play by the rules, and knowing that I will not let him besmirch the likes of me, or you ever agayn, I would like to introduce to you our very special guest referee for this evening...STEPHANIE McMAHON-HELMSLEY!" Well, I guess the only shirts left in the building for her to wear had stripes and a WWF patch on 'em. Come back after this short bit about TNN having pop for the MAAAAAIN EVENT

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And now, a WWF Royal Rumble Replay! From 1998....hey, they SHOWED us this one already. Does this mean we're not gonna get to see Big Jim Studd toss DiBiase to win back in 1989? ("Isn't it JOHN Studd?") Wow, you just saved me a whole heap of email. I guess I owe you one.

1-800-COL-LECT presents the

WILLIAM REGAL v. STEP OFF DOT COM in a nontitle match for a spot in the #1 Contender's match - Austin goes right up to Stephanie and stares her down...then goes right for Regal - clothesline, right, right, right, into the ropes, Thesz press, eight rights. Head to the buckle, head to the buckle, head to the buckle, four of five more of those - off the ropes, knee in the gut flips Regal....got the legs...and puts a boot between them, just high enough to avoid a DQ. Blatant choke - Stephanie counts...and Austin lets up right before 5. Back to the choke...up at 4 again. "Keep it clean - NO CHOKING!" Off the ropes, Regal manages a kick. Crowd chanting "Slut!" Regal with the left elbow, elbow, elbow, elbow, elbow. Into the ropes is reversed, Austin takes him over the top to the floor. Austin gives Stephanie a look...and goes out after Regal. Stephanie out after. Head to the STEEL steps. Head to the commentary table. Stephanie decides to get back in the ring and try to put on a count. Austin mounts Regal on the table and lets loose with about six rights. Stephanie at four - Austin rolls Regal in...then pulls him out again. Dropping him on the barricade...clothesline. Rolled back in, Austin follows. Stephanie AGAIN tells him to keep it in the ring, so Austin tosses Regal over the top rope to the floor. Double bird for Stephanie before going out after him again. Head to the other set of STEEL steps. Austin watches Stephanie's count...and puts Regal back in. Austin back in the ring - snap suplex. Setting him up for ANOTHER snap suplex. He's gonna give him a THIRD snap suplex....then, deciding Regal is probably out, floats over into a cover...Stephanie down slowly - 1....2.......oh no, she's got something in her eye! Austin pulls up, approaches Stephanie...and boots her in the posterior, putting HER through the ropes to the outside! But Regal is back up - elbow, elbow, left, left, left, left, left, left, left, Austin right, Regal left, and so on, but Regal stays on top of him - stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp - pulling him back up for an elbow, elbow, elbow - Austin reverses it, right, right, right, right, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, pretend I typed it seven or eight more times, I'm running late. Meanwhile, EARL HEBNER has run out...but instead of checking the action, he turns to check on Stephanie...so Regal kicks Austin in the nuts, then forearms Hebner out of the ring. Regal rolls Stephanie in - Austin blocks the left, right, right, right, into the ropes, big spinebuster, leg is hooked....Stephanie is STILL trying to recover. Austin walks over to Stephanie and grabs her hair...but Regal comes up from behind with a schoolboy AND a grab of the tights for good measure...Stephanie with a lightning fast 1, 2, 3, - REGAL BEATS AUSTIN AGAIN! (5:25) Stephanie doesn't linger, sprinting up the ramp and away...although she comes back with a mic. "And the winner of the match, YOUR European champion...William Regal! And the loser....Stone Cold Steve Austin." "My Time" plays one more time as the War Zone credits and final WWF logo appear. We're out at 11:07.

Well, from no idea of what's on the show we go to knowing the main events of the next TWO shows - the big triple threat on Thursday leads to a "please come back and watch" WWF Championship match next Monday. So at least the *wrestling* part is taken care of...

I guess the only question remaining is (when) will they try to repair the *storyline* part?

AFTER THE FACT: Jay Ramsperger was on site: After Austin got done shouting imprecations at Steffi Mac, he turned toward the prone form of Regal, picked him up... KICK WHAM STUNNER. Follow that with the usual Full Stone Cold Salute and a round of badmouthing, and Regal is rolled out of the ring, but forgets his Eurotitle belt. Austin casually tosses it to the mat as if to say "You want your belt back, boy? Come and get it." Regal leaves and we cue the usual Stone Cold beer blast and posing, capped off with Austin baptizing the Euro belt in Bud.