On a lark, I hit ticketmaster.com to see if anything had opened up on the day of the sale...and ended up third row centre on the floor on the camera side. Not too shabby

Bell time was supposedly 5:30 but I think they must have started a bit early because HOWARD FINKEL was already starting with the dark match by the time I sat down...

MEAN STREET POSSE v. TWO OTHER GUYS - Rodney & Pete "Gas" have *really* improved, but you've heard that before. Their finisher is Rodney's High Society from Pete's raised, inverted wheelbarrow, or body scissors, or...well, that's just a fancy way of saying "he held him up."

Anyway, your Metal/Jakked spoilers run thusly, all matches just under four minutes:

CRASH defeated ESSA RIOS with a rollup in a gawky, awkward match of a million suplex reversals.

KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY & DR. TOM PRITCHARD made their entrance to look good for syndie commentary

K-KWIK defeated ALREADY IN THE RING with a falcon arrow. The ham'n'egger was suplexarific and was probably an APW guy, if only I'd ever bothered to learn to ID them. No intro from da Fink.

We went live for the thirty second TNN promo...

TONIGHT: It's a sold out Shark Tank and the title's on the line as Kurt Angle defends against Stone Cold Steve Austin!

TOO COOL defeated ALREADY IN THE RING with Ye Olde Hip Hop Drop - I'm almost positive HOWARD FINKEL announced one of them as BOYCE LeGRANDE, but I just couldn't hear the name of the other guy - you'll find out this weekend, and you'll live. Since I know LeGrande is an APW guy, that's why I think all these other enhancement folks are APW talent.

Oh yeah, Earl Hebner handled every match before RAW started, so I guess I shouldn't get on his case for never working until the main event.

The souvenir stands had a rather sparse collection of T-shirts, as well as some other goofy items (foam hands/beer cans, plastic Scotty 2 Hotty worms?, and Foley-shaped drink holders - and, of course, the $5 copy of WWF Magazine with inserted one page "program")

LILIAN GARCIA comes out to take over ring announcing...but first, she serenades us with her practiced rendition of Our National Anthem.

At this point, half a dozen of the XFL (DEMON) CHEERLEADERS came out and took the front row right in front of me. I kept waiting for exciting things to happen so they'd stand up, since they were wearing leather pants and all. Definitely helped make the cash outlay easier to stomach...

And we're off!

We open with a Special Video Look at Austin's last week with the McMahons - and his road to tonight's title shot

Opening Credits

Cover your ears because it's time for PYRO - coming to you LIVE from the San Jose Arena in San Jose, CA 8.1.1, we're live again and it feels so good - on TNN and transmitido en espanol SAP...RAW is WAR! The fans at WWF New York feel it, the fans in my section feel it (dammit, that guy totally blocked me out of the picture), and you feel it, too..the feeling that tonight...RAW is WAR! I feel so good I might just say it again! Say what? The fact that tonight.......RAW IS WAR!

BILLIONAIRE VINCE hits the ring and spends quite a while getting the mic from Lilian Garcia. "For those of you who have not made a new year's resolution, I have one for you. It's a good resolution and, quite frankly, it's also good advice. I would suggest that you adapt [adopt?] the new year's resolution of respecting authority. Now based upon what we saw on SmackDown! last Thursday, I think you'll concur with me there's certainly at least one individual who does not respect... ["Ass hole!"] ...who does not respect authority at all. Now let's roll some footage here, I'm sure you'll agree with me that this individual does not respect authority, look at this..."

Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! where Rock gave Rock Bottom to Mike Chioda...and Chad Patton. Ross tells us neither man is able to appear tonight, due to injury..ahhhh, that explains it

"Oh sure, you can chant his name all you want, but the thing of it is, Rock will learn to respect authority here tonight. You see, my daughter (Stephanie) - (my daughter) Stephanie came up with a very good idea, and that is that Rock will compete right here In This Very Ring tonight. And (my daughter) Stephanie has a suggestion of Rock versus both Kane and Rikishi in a handicap match. I know what you're saying, you're all saying that, that's not fair...and it's not. My daughter (Stephanie) agrees with you, and that's why, that she's determined to select *two* additional tag team partners for the Rock. That's right - my daughter (Stephanie) insists that it should be the Rock plus two partners against Kane and Rikishi - and Stephanie has vowed to select those two tag team partners of the Rock from the rank and file of the eclectic group of referees that we have here in the World Wrestling Federation. So the Rock and two referees will team up to face Kane and Rikishi, and the Rock, just like all of you, before he leaves here tonight, will adopt that new year's resolution and learn to respect authority. Now as far as Stone Cold Steve Austin is concerned...many of you saw the match that I officiated in which Stone Cold was involved. (By the way I thought I looked pretty good in that double X referee shirt with the sleeves cut out, but that's a different story) Many individuals seemed to be perplexed as to why I (Vince McMahon) would count 1, 2, 3 to count Stone Cold Steve Austin on to victory - well it certainly was not because I'm intimidated by Austin. No, it's simply because this is a new year...and, quite frankly, I'm a new man. I am. I'm a new man and, quite frankly, I've made a new year's resolution. Just as all of you have adopted, now, to respect authority, my new year's resolution is simply to be fair - to be fair in everything that I do - tough, but fair. And, you see, the message I was sending to Austin on SmackDown! was the same message I sent every other WWF superstar - the same message I sent each and every one of you - the same message I sent a, a worldwide television audience! And that is simply, if two men like Vince McMahon and Stone Cold Steve Austin can get along, if we can make a deal and then live up to the terms and conditions of that deal, then...why can't the Republicans and the Democrats get along? Why can't - why can't there be peace in the middle east? You see, I (Vince McMahon), I believe in leadership! I believe in leadership by example!" The sound of breaking glass cuts him off as STEP OFF walks out. For a VERY TINY, brief moment, somebody's "nTo" sign appears right next to the TNN logo as Austin nears the first corner. Curious. Austin relieves McMahon of his microphone. "Leadership by example? What kinda leadership are you talkin' about? Hell what kind of example are you talkin' about? Look in my eyes, Vince, 'cause I don't believe ya, and I don't trust ya one bit! As far as I'm concerned, I'm gonna stick with my little deal, Vince, that's DTA, Don't Trust Anybody. And you know what - you say you're a changed man? Well, I'm not buying that bull(ch-bullshit). There's an old saying, Vince - a leopard can't change his spots. Well, neither can a jackass. Nonono, I know what you're thinkin', you're thinkin' a jackass don't have spots...I know that, but if it looks like a jackass...and it smells like a jackass, then it's a damn jackass. Since you're out here sendin' messages, I'm gonna give you my message - it's the same message I gave Daddy's Little Girl - Vince, you stay outta my life, and I'll let you continue to have yours. And my message tonight is...I'm gonna beat Kurt Angle's Olympic Ass right here in the middle of this ring, and that's the bottom line...'cause Stone Cold said so!" KING KURT ANGLE's music encroaches on the last syllables - Vince is quick to disavow knowledge of Angle's presence at this time. "Wow, Austin! I'm impressed! That's a lot of great talk. Calling Mr. McMahon 'a jackass.' 'Beating Kurt Angle's Olympic Ass.' Well, when you talk about lack of leadership and setting an example, you definitely take the cake, Mr. Austin." "Ang Gull Sux!" "Were you always a great talker, Mr. Austin? I mean, were you always a great talker, say, back in 1996? You know, back when you were having strap matches with Savio Vega? While I was bringing honour and glory to this rather ungrateful country of ours? See, Austin - I take great exception to the fact that you assume, just because you have your title shot tonight, that the gold is your for the taking. You wanna talk about somethin'? Let's talk about Hell in the Cell at Armageddon. SIX of the top superstars in the World Wrestling Federation, including you, Mr. Austin.

During the break, Austin continued his staredown, and also slammed a beer down to the mat. Sadly, it did NOT explode. Austin met Earl Hebner on the ramp on his way back - and made a big show of pointing at his watch to him until he laughed. No beer drunk yet.

Somewhere in here, most of the signs in our section were removed because dim people kept trying to block the bottom of the camera shot with their signs. I got to keep mine because we all knew my signs would NEVER make it on camera. Sorry, Rick, that's the second show in a row the SCAIA RULES sign went barely noticed by anybody. Someday, I'll actually FACE the camera. Just you wait!

Moments Ago, two paragraphs ago.

Now Austin is WALKING!

Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!, where Jericho was denied the intercontinental championship thanks to a Saturn run-in...followed by a Hardy Boyz run-in...all this leads to

CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO and HARDY BOYZ (with Lita) v. VANILLA MIDGETS & PERRY (with Terri...and Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) - Jericho threw his shirt in my direction, but a guy in the row ahead of me and two seats over got it. Too bad, too, because Kim really wants that shirt! Terri chooses TONIGHT to not wear a flesh-coloured outfit? Pier Six on the outside, Matt and Malenko go inside to ring the bell - hey, look there's my yellow hat and lots of hair out the back of it! - Hardy right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, Saturn from behind to stop the onslaught. Right, right, into the ropes, head down, kick by Hardy, ducks a clothesline, Hardy hits the next clothesline off the ropes. Tag to Jeff - double suplex. Matt on all fours for Poetry in Motion - free shot for Benoit and Malenko...Benoit comes into the ring as referee "Blind" Earl Hebner occupies himself trying to put Matt back in the corner - Benoit from behind. Into the ropes, big knockdown. High death suplex...1, 2, nope. Tag to Saturn - into the ropes, double back elbow - DOUBLE DOUBLE OKIE BLOW! Neckbreaker by Saturn for 2. Knee by Saturn, picking him up for another knee, forearm to the back of the head. BRAINBUSTER! That's a finishing move, isn't it? Well, tag to Benoit - open kick. Right hand. Measured neckbreaker for 2. Head to the buckle, tag to Saturn, who asks if we're down to two. Run into the corner and sat on top...trying to go up for the superplex, but Jeff punches him down to the mat. Hardy up top...swantonbomb! Both men are down and both ladies are cheering on - at this point, a lot of people in my section were asking Terri to lean over JUST a little more. Tag to Benoit...but unfortunately, he ends up shoving him into a HOT TAG TO JERICHO! Duck, right, right, into the ropes, reversal, Jericho with the spinning heel kick, clothesline for Saturn, shot for Malenko...Terri on the apron, so he grabs HER and runs her off the apron to the floor! Saturn catches Jericho with a belly-to-belly overhead suplex. Matt in and knocking Saturn outside...and following. Meanwhile, IN the ring Benoit is trying to grab the arm for the crossface, but Jericho punches out of the attempt...backslide - 1, 2, 3! Jericho just pinned the champ! (3:49) Benoit makes "curses! drats!" motions - meanwhile, Lita is over to pull Malenko off the apron by the ankles, caving in his head on the way down. Malenko retaliates by grabbing a tray full of nachos and drinks...and upending it all over her! Lita runs off a mess...they ALMOST got the Demons cheerleaders, but unfortunately only winged the kids next to them. Then THEY got napkins from the cheerleaders! Some kids have ALL the luck. Replay of the finish - looks like Benoit got the shoulders up to me - and the concession spot.

Meanwhile, Stephanie stands with the last five refs not named Hebner. She's called them all here because she's looking for two volunteers to team with the Rock. Jack Doan and Teddy Long foolishly voice protest, so they end up "volunteering." Stephanie also decides that Teddy Long will start the match for his team. Korderas: "They're TOAST." Stephanie: "Good luck! And have you checked out my cleavage yet? C'mon, you know you want to...don't you?"

During the Break, they showed another angle of Malenko dumping Lita with snax and there was a good shot of me.....therefore, it didn't make it to air. Sorry - maybe it'll be a "Slam of the Week" Thursday

Here's a lovely look at the exterior of 525 Santa Clara...aka the San Jose Arena

And here's a look at the lovely DEMONS CHEERLEADERS. I know you're wondering, so I'll tell you that through my extensive research...the one on the far right *definitely* has the nicest ass. Oh, and I'm behind the million WILD 94.9 banners, thanks for asking.

It wasn't really a good night to be talking XFL - the Raiders faithful were reprazentin' all night. The biggest pop during the ad breaks was definitely for the "THIS IS RAIDER COUNTRY" sign in the front row.

"During the Break," Lita ran to the shower...and the Hardyz gave her her privacy...but oh no, here comes Dean Malenko, creeping into the locker room..hey! How come NOW the camera stays behind the closed door.

KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands in the mighty presence of the Rock! Oops, Pat Patterson just popped out of the Rock's dressing room....hey, wait a minute! PATTERSON JUST BROKE KAYFABE! BURN HIM! Kelly offers "Normally, in three on two handicap matches, the team of three has....the........." "Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK to San Jose! At this moment, with a little under two weeks from this very moment, the Rock is thinking about the Royal Rumble - the biggest Royal Rumble in the history of the WWF - thirty men all vying for the richest prize in sports entertainment , the WWF title. And just as sure as the Rock could care less who he has to beat at the Royal Rumble, and just as sure of regardless who the Rock has to face at WrestleMania, whether it be Kurt Angle, or whether it be Stone Cold Steve Austin himself, the Rock s--- well, let the Rock put it like this. Stone Cold Steve Austin, if you win the WWF Championship tonight, congratulations. Because you're gonna have a date with destiny. You're gonna have a date with something that's gonna change the course, change the face of sports entertainment as we know it today. Quite frankly, Stone Cold Steve Austin, if you become champion tonight, you're gonna have a date...with the Rock. And speaking of tonight, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, you think you impress the Rock by running your mouth, you think you impress the Rock, Daddy's Little Girl, impressin' the Rock. Well you don't impress the Rock for one single solitary second. Quite frankly, you've taught the Rock a lesson....that even someone like you, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley a two dollar-no-fifty cent-no-aw take all the quarters nickels dimes and pennies, put 'em all in a bag and stick 'em straight-up-your-candy-ass (slut)....will never EVER impress the Rock! So regardless of whether you place the Rock tonight in a match, a handicap match with the Rock and two other referees against...Rikishi and Kane. Well the Rock says this: just as sure as the Rock is gonna go out there tonight and layeth the smacketh down, just as sure as the Rock stands before you today, and just as sure as this ugly hermaphrodite will be sippin' drinks at the Hermaphrodite's Club in the City....is as sure as the Rock is goin' to the Royal Rumble, going' through 'em all, and and as sure as the Rock is goin' to WrestleMania, IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLALALALALALAOOOOW what THE ROCK is cookin'."

Hey! Here's a look at Lita in the shower - woo hoo! Malenko spies through the curtain...then pulls it back for us. Of course, she's got her back to us - hey, who wears a thong in the shower? Oh well. Dean offers her a towel because he's a GENTLEMAN. She screams a lot - "Get OUT of here!" Here come the Hardyz to beat up Malenko, culminating in putting his leg in a table leg and slamming it down on him.

Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER.

Let Us Take You Back to Last Month on RAW, where Ivory and Val Venis combined on a spike piledriver to Chyna

MICHAEL KING COLE sat down with THAT SLUT CHYNA "Earlier Today." She's been going through extensive therapy which will hopefully take the place of surgery. She's definitely working towards recovery. She calls a return to the ring "questionable," but that's more the doctor's opinion than hers - she thinks she'll be back. She's very disappointed that she won't be able to participate in the Royal Rumble. What does Chyna do next? She's gonna watch Billy put Val through living hell - and she hopes Ivory gets involved, because he might have something left for her, too...

NEXT: It's a lumberjack match! Val Venis vs. Billy Gunn!

During the break, the lumberjacks were introduced - ESSA RIOS, CRASH, K-KWIK, TIGER ALI SINGH & LO DOWN, TOO COOL, and RIGHT TO CENSOR (sans Venis). Strange...Rios wasn't in the graphic but Tazz *was*. We apparently missed Edge & Christian's Stacker 2 ad by watching EntertainmentTron videos - a tradeoff I had NO problem with.

We rejoin the live show with the introduction of the ACCOLADES.

JONATHAN COACHMAN asks Billy Gunn what we should expect tonight. Gunn says he plans on making Val feel as helpless as he's made Chyna feel....and it won't be for his own good.

BALD VENIS

Edge & Christian catch up to Angle in the locker room and wish him luck - not that he'll need it. They tell him that he's gonna love what they have in store for the Dudley Boyz.

Doan and Long stand outside the Rock's door - unfortunately for them, Kane is WALKING! "Hey listen, it's not our idea." "We were forced into this, you know..." And Kane shoves Long - oh no, that might take him out of the match!

During the break, Lilian hawked framed photos of Lita, Undertaker, Rock and Trish Stratus. Also, the very popular "The Rock laid the smack down on my candy ass all over San Jose" shirt

The WWF Slam of the Week is brought to you by 1-800-COL-LECT! From SmackDown! Rock gives Rock Bottom to Kurt Angle...Mike Chioda...and Chad Patton

WELL IT'S KANE and RIKAZHMONEY (with RAW Credits & TV-14-DLV-CC boxes) v. "BLIND" JACK DOAN & "BLIND" TEDDY LONG and IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLLL DOT COM in a handicap match - Kane's turnbuckle pyro actually sets a set of turnbuckles on fire - this must happen a lot, since there was a guy at the ready with a big black glove to squash the flames with his hand. Rikishi's music sho' is FONKY. Refs get no entrance music - they wear standard "WWF Attitude - Come Get Some" basic black T-shirts. I take offense when Ross says "they're not athletes" - I wonder if THEY do. Rock is ready to start but referee "Blind" Tim White is adamant that Stephanie's directions be followed. I tried to start a "Teddy" chant but nobody went for it...except Jerry Lawler (!) I also suggested he give him the ol' "right hand over the top!" but he wasn't listening. Maybe if I'd have called him "Peanuthead," he'd have listened. Anyway, it's Rikishi and Long - Rikishi grabs him...in the corner - butt to the gut. Long flumps down...and Rikishi STINKFACES him! Rikshi wants to deliver some more punishment, but Long manages the lightning crawl between the legs and tags in Rock - block, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversal, duck, flying clothesline, Kane in for a right, right, off the ropes, reversed, head down, Rock takes it to the mat. Double noggin knocker! Right to Rikishi, whip is reversed...into a big clothesline from Kane. Rikishi with a tomahawk chop, stomp, stomp, stomp. Into the ropes, duck, gutshot by the Rock, DDT, right for Kane, right, Kane to the floor. Rock puts a hand behind White's head and drags him over for a chat..with his other hand, he gestures to his corner - Doan and Long come in for a doubleteam stompdown to a MASSIVE pop! Long and Doan hustle back to the corner just in time. Rikishi looks their way - and they drop to the floor to avoid him. Rikishi turns back - into the spinebuster! At this point, Rock tosses his elbow pad...

Let's break here for another great live story. Rock's elbowpad sailed in my direction...and came up just a bit short, landing one row ahead of me. Now there was a guy in PERFECT position to catch it...but he had a beer in each hand and wans't gonna let go of them. For the rest of the night, everybody around him razzed him. "It was right THERE, man....once in a lifetime CHANCE, man..." and all he could offer was "I had two beers! I couldn't drop my beers! It was like a moment frozen in time!" "What's two beers compared to - not just an elbowpad, but THE PEOPLE'S ELBOWPAD?" And sure enough, that's just what it said, as a guy sitting two seats over from me ended up being the first one to pick it off the floor, and showed all of us the logo before slipping it on himself. REALLY nice elbowpad. Definitely worth sacrificing one OR two beers.

Ah, but you're probably more interested in whether or not that People's Elbow hit, aren'tcha. Of course not! Kane was back in, caught him in the choke,

I gotta tell ya, awesome as this was, it was about a MILLION times better in person. It's just one of those things you *gotta* see live.

"WWF Divas: Postcard from the Caribbean" is the WWF Fanatic Series presentation from January! They add some Chyna Playboy footage as well (I'm thinkin' not nekkid) - I don't think it's on iNDEMAND until next week, but I'll try to check again later

In the local slot, we sneak in a Royal Rumble promo

Moments Ago, Kane and Rikishi did some bad, bad things - and Undertaker made the save

Stephanie expresses umbrage at the Undertaker ruining her plans. Vince suggests a special match Thursday - Rikishi vs. Kane vs. Undertaker vs. Rock in a fatal four-way, with the winner getting #30 in the Rumble. It'd be wrong of me to mention that Stephanie can't act, but what the hell. "Dad, I've said it before, but...you are a genius." STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT

WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: RAVEN (with RAW is WAR is brought to you by six frames of "Starsky & Hutch," Weider Sports Nutrition, Twix, and Burger King) v. MR. PARTY TIME - Raven has a raven in his shopping cart...or a bat. I can't tell. I tried like hell to get a cameraman to put my "IT'S PARTY TIME" sign on screen but don't think I succeeded. Let's watch. "Hey, Steve Blackman! You used to be partners with that freakishly abnormal schizophrenic, Al Snow. He was the first recipient of what has come to be known as...the Raven Effect! Remember when I crushed his cranium with a cinder block? That was the most hilarious thing, other than the notion that you're the greatest hardcore champion of all time? You--" The music cuts him off. Blackman hits the ring - and takes a trashcan, twice, stomp, stomp, all Raven - can in the corner - whip is reversed and Blackman drop toeholds him into the can - did he learn that from Raven? Blackman grabs a trashcan lid - into the ropes, kneecaps him - to the back - "oh we're just gettin' started!" - discus backhand lid. Outside the ring...he's got the sticks. I tried so HARD but only Blackman was saying "IT'S PARTY TIME" tonight. Hundred sticks! Stick in the crotch slam! "It's still my house!" Oops, KOOL MOE DEE is towing referee "Blind" Mike Sparks to the ring. Blackman outside and he's got a kendo stick...but Holly shoves him off the top. Holly with a trashcan lid in each hand - and taking turns smacking Raven with what Lawler referred to as "the old windmill effect." Holly going for the can - Blackman with the Lethal Kick, but Raven ducks it and the can takes the brunt - and right into Hardcore Holly. Raven with a fire extinguisher to Blackman, and a hook of the leg for Holly - original referee "Blind" Jim Korderas in position - 1, 2, 3. BLACKMAN WUZ SCREWED (1:43) Blackman grabs Raven post-match, but before he can do anything more threatening than play with his hair, Holly is up from behind, grabbing both of Blackman's legs and hitting his patented crotch kick. Raven runs up the aisle....Holly in close pursuit, muscling him down - suplex on the ramp! 1, 2, Blackman pulls him off - Holly and Blackman trading blows....and Raven making his getaway. As Blackman and Holly CONTINUE to brawl, we watch Raven run off...where a car is wating. And off they go. Who was behind the wheel? ("Gotta be Chastity!") You WISH.

WWF Shop Zone dot com ad

Triple H shills Weider's Dynamic Muscle Builder - available at Albertson's? Hmmm...not MY Albertson's...well, I actually haven't checked. What aisle would that be in?

And now, a Royal Rumble Replay - from 1999, Kane has a Diesel moment - wow, Kurrgan!

Here's a look at a rainy Times Square.

Inside WWF New York, Kai En Tai are on the stage. "You! Silly Americans! Put down the Buffalo wings! No more potato skin! Look at us! Ha ha ha! WELCOME to WWF New York! Where the food is EXQUISITE, the dining is fantastic, and Kai En Tai is party hardy, baby! Ha ha ha!" "InDEED!"

Another look at our hosts. Say, have you ever wondered how you can become a WWF superstar? Stay tuned!

EDGE & CHRISTIAN hit the ring with a table. You know an interview segment is coming up when they put the monitor speaker up in the corner of the ring. "Greetings to all of our fans in San Josie! As you all know, we're scheduled to face the Dudley Boyz for our tag team titles at the Royal Rumble. And although we've faced the Dudley Boyz many times, what do we really know about them? Well, there's their love for tables...their horrifying body odor...and the fact that they're cheered by a buncha reekazoids like all you people here tonight. But other than that, I'd say we don't really know that much." "That is, until now. You see, to get a better understanding for our opponents, and beat them for an unprecedented 37,452nd and a half time, at the Royal Rumble, Christian and I took a little trip - a trip to Dudleyville - and we managed to find the two people that know Buh Buh and D-Von better than anybody else. So without further ado, please welcome Mutha Faye, and Levon, the Dudley Parents!" The Dudley pyro seems rather decrepit...much like the TWO OLD FOLKS IN CAMO that come out to their theme. "Wow, Dudley Parents...this about uhhhh, explains everything doesn't it? And I understand you've brought some baby pictures? Well, uh, gods of the Titantron, let's take a look." We see a baby with arms raised - D-Von's head superimposed on it. "Yeah, baby D-Von - barely out of the womb and he's already got that big old gap between his teeth. He's about the ugliest baby I've ever see, wouldn't you say?" "TESTIFYYYYYYYYYYY!" and he makes the sign of the cross. "Ohhohooo, that was brutal! And speaking of brutal, I heard there's a picture of a freshly-spat out baby Buh Buh Ray - let's take a - let's take a look at that picture!" Cue a picture of a baby with Buh Buh Ray's wassup face superimposed on it. "Mutha Fae, I feel so sorry for your uterus!" "WASSUUUUUUUUP!" "But, uh, Dudley Parents, seriously - doesn't it bother you to know that your ugly Dudley sons are gonna totally get their Dudley asses handed to them at the Royal Rumble by Christian & Edge?" Before they get an answer, the *real* pyro hits and the music goes off again - THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ hit the ring, and Edge & Christian dutifully shove their parents in their way before hotfooting it out of the ring and up the aisle. Levon gets a nasty looking 3D (Dudley Death Drop) - Buh Buh Ray removes his glasses and turns to Fae, who still insists that she's his mother. Scoop...and a slam. D-Von upstairs - "Wazzup" spot. Testify Dance. D-Von, I require a table. D-Von lifts her mother up to Buh Buh Ray - SUPERBOMB through the table! And a replay as well - in fact, make it two from different angles.

Back in the office, Stephanie tells us she just can't wait to see the tag team match at Royal Rumble. Vince asks Stephanie if she'd get him some fresh coffee. She shows suspicion but takes off...and *Vince* takes off...his jacket?

During the break, the faux Dudleys comically oversold their predicaments on their way out of the ring - with help

Edge & Christian shill Stacker 2 #2 - is this a different ad? Eh, I'll have plenty of chances to see it again, right

Moments Ago - 3D, superbomb

"What's takin' ya so long?" But Vince seems surprised that it's Stephanie returning with the coffee. We hear a toilet flush, and Trish Stratus walks out. "She just came by to use the facilites! ... this is not anywhere NEAR what you think, all right?" Stephanie says then Vince won't mind if she puts Trish in competition tonight...teaming with Albert against Test. Vince hems and haws and then says he doesn't have a problem with that. "Yeah, Trish, you'll be fine - besides, I hear that you're used to two-on-ones." Stratus storms off.

Earlier Today, WWF New York patrons were asked who will win tonight's WWF Championship match? Go figure, they find just about the same number of people for each side.

Vince McMahon is WALKING! Who's he looking for? Come back and maybe you'll find out!

During the break, Lilian Garcia encouraged us to please attend the SmackDown! taping in Oakland, as well as buy "Decade of Destruction" T-shirts, and Stone Cold Steve Austin T-shirts

Sin ad #2

Dick Butkus shills the XFL - ever wonder if he's sorry he didn't save his money from "Hang Time?"

Our hosts announce that THEY will handle quite a few XFL NBC games

Wanna be a wrestler? Visit WWF.com or MTV.com and find "Tough Enough!"

YAAAAAAAALBERT & TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL v. TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST in a handicap match - hey, Trish wasn't wearing PANTS in McMahon's office - why'd she have to put some on before coming out here? Test strides to the ring with purpose...ducks a clothesline, right, Albert with a right, Test with a right, right, right, off the ropes with a clothesline, block, right, right, right, off the ropes, but Albert buries a knee. Vince and Stephanie watch on from backstage. Big bodyslam gets 2. Trish sneaks in a slap - Test takes this...not very well. Grabbing her hair....but Albert is up from behind with a big avalanche to the back. Yaah right. Into the ropes, head down, Test manages a DDT. Yaaah splash misses - Test with three rights, into the ropes is reversed, press by Albert but Test breaks free - death suplex finds the mark but referee "Blind" Tim White (notice how the referee corps has been cut in half over the past two shows? I wonder if Hebner is doing all the Jakked matches because they'll have offed the last three refs on Thursday, leaving just one by the time the weekend comes around?) is busy distracting himself with Trish - Test over to grab *her* - and pulls her in the hard way. Got her by the hair - pumphandle slam? Nope, Stratus manages to break free and drop behind his back - Test puts up a big boot to stop Albert, then turns back to Trish... But now, of all people, WILLIAM REGAL is out (and looking quite the worse for wear) - Trish into the ropes - Regal pulls her outside. Test grabs Regal - Regal gives him a hot shot. Back into a Yaaaaaalbert bomb - 1, 2, 3. (2:26) Regal and Stratus walk off...Albert is quite farther behind.

Stephanie accuses Vince of going to Regal and encouraging his interference in the match. "I did no such of a thing - no! Regal's always been a gentleman! Steph?" Too late, she's stormed off

Our hosts set up the NEXT piece

Let's Take a Special Video Look at Kurt Angle's Amazing Rookie Year - the European championship, Intercontinental championship, King of the Ring, WWF Championship, retaining against the Undertaker, and surviving a six-man Hell in the Cell by pinning the Rock.

Austin watches this on a monitor....and starts WALKING!

Meanwhile, Kurt Angle is WALKING! The wait is FINALLY OVER!

(after these short messages)

During the break, the "THIS IS RAIDERS COUNTRY" tried to extend his fifteen minutes of fame by borrowing a marker and writing another cheap pop message on the back - unfortunately, he lost ALL his heat because the message came out "NINNERS SUCK"

WWF CHAMPIONSHIP: KING KURT ANGLE (with 1-800-COL-LECT presents the WWF Royal Rumble!) v. STEP OFF DOT COM - Champion enters first because mama said it beez that way sometimes. Austin takes the belt and poses with it - For once, I'm totally with Ross: "Oh my God, folks, I wish you were here with us live!" Angle takes offense at the challenger posing with HIS title - Austin lays the belt down on the mat and dares him to come get it - Angle tries to sneak in - Austin stomps him, overhand right, right, right, head to the buckle, head to the buckle, make it 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, over to the opposite buckle and Angle collapses - Angle off the rope with the elbowdrop. Snap suplex. Austin puts Angle up top - right hand, climbing to the second rope...Angle blocks the superplex attempt and hits a front suplex, putting Austin down on the mat. Angle to the attack - kick, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp, right, into the ropes, reversed, Angle ducks, but not the Thesz press, nine quick rights, off the ropes with the point of the elbow, and how about a second one - 1, 2, Angle gets the shoulder up - Austin tries again - less of a 2. Gutwrench - suplex! 1, 2, Angle kicks out. Austin with a snap suplex. 1, 2, NO! Austin going for *another* suplex, but Angle goes behind - and hits a side Russian legsweep! Angle up slowly, but up first...kick, stomp, stomp, words for referee "Blind" Earl Hebner - standing on the neck. Austin blocks, right, right, right, Angle with a knee - Austin powers out, Angle ducks, Angle ducks again, Angle with a crossbody! for 2. Angle with an inside cradle! for 2. Austin says "gettin' a little too technical for me in here - knee, toss over the top to the floor. Austin follows out - head to the commentary table. Right hand. Right hand puts Angle over the barricade to the (dirty) concrete floor! Austin follows - elbow to the back of the head, another elbow, and putting Angle back over the top to the floor. Stomp, stomp - huh? WILLIAM REGAL is back out and he's carrying a metal pipe - Austin stops him with a kick, right, right, head to the commentary table, again, got a STEEL chair from the timekeeper...WHACK! Stomping away on Regal...Angle makes a run at Austin, but he ducks and dumps him over THIS barricade, right to the floor once again! Austin onto the timekeeper table - standing on the barricade - and flying with a clothesline onto Angle!

WWF logo

...but it ain't over in the arena. The refs and officials come out to attempt to attend to Austin, but H gives Earl Hebner another KO blow, then chases the refs backstage. With all of them gone, we turn our attention to Austin. He left a BIG OL' PUDDLE of blood on the commentary table. His music eventually plays, but he isn't able to hit the poses right off - he actually sits down on the aisle for a spell before making the final salute to the crowd.

Lilian thanks us for attending and sneaks in one more reminder that SmackDown! is in Oakland at 7:30PM, and the souvenir stands will remain open for ALL our spending needs.

Jim Ross was very kind and shook my hand on his way out - a REAL handshake, not one o' them "I'll slap you as I walk by" deals, so I take back everything bad I've said about him ever. Well, most of it. Unfortunately, I washed my hand at the Jack in the Box before I ate dinner.

We were out of there around 8:30...just enough time to head home and watch it on TV.

Unless you were there, you cannot truly appreciate how loud it was in there. I've been to more than a few shows in the past few years and this was aces.

Rumour has it the WWF is letting me into Oakland for free - if it pans out, come back tomorrow for SmackDown! spoilers!