WWF RAW is WAR
Markets were closed for MLK Day - WWF 17 15/16 (+ 3/16... last year: 14 13/16)
TONIGHT: RAW hits the Bradley Center in Milwaukee! And it'll be a tag team WAR when Rock and Undertaker take on Kane & Rikishi! Also, you should probably expect Stone Cold Steve Austin to be in the house....well, find out in about twelve minutes plus!
"Today, here in the United States, we celebrate the life of an
extraordinary man who had a dream - a dream of unity...a dream of peace.
Long live the dream."
One World Leader Attitude - TV-14-DLV-CC - WWF!
Opening Credits - is it just me or did the pix get a major overhaul?
Another week, another Monday, another set of PYRO, another big-time crowd, and another report - LIVE from the Bradley Center in Milwaukee, WI 15.1.1 on TNN & TSN, transmitido en espanol SAP, WWF New York, me and you, six days away from the Royal Rumble...RAW IS WAR!
TONIGHT: Undertaker & Rock vs. Kane & Rikishi!
TONIGHT: Stone Cold Steve Austin!
HARDY BOYZ & LITA v. IVORY & BALD VENIS & STEVEN RICHARDS in intergender action "the way Martin Luther King, Jr. wanted it" (with Let Us Take You Back to Heat) - Ivory laid a challenge out to Chyna on MTV, if you missed it. Jeff and Val start. Hardy ducks, right, right, right, right, knee by Venis, head to the buckle, right, into the ropes, back elbow puts Hardy down. "Lita" chant already. Venis with the head to the buckle, right, right, into the opposite corner, Hardy springs up and over, drop toehold, death suplex into a uranage, tag to Matt. Into the corner, Poetry in Motion finds the mark. Matt with a running knockdown. Richards in, double leg sweep greets him, "Spin Cycle" and Richards rolls out. Back to Venis, right, right, right, but Matt runs into a spinebuster...Venis mounts and punches away. Into the ropes, big clothesline by Venis. Tag to Richards, holding Matt for the open shot, right, right, right, chop, into the ropes, HUGE sidewalk slam...but only 2. Back to the corner for a tag to Venis - into the ropes, double back elbow. Venis presses - but only gets 2. Into the corner, elbow up by Hardy - running at Venis with the clothesline and they're BOTH down. Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda puts on the count...Hardy up, Venis up, Hardy down with an elbow to the head from Venis. Another elbow dropped in the same spot. Hardy manages a gutshot, but Venis is all over him with punches, forearms, kicks, and now standing on the neck. Tag to Richards. Double suplex - really muscling him over there. Richards covers but only gets 2. In the corner, right, sat on top, right blocked, Hardy with a right...Richards back, blocked, right by Hardy. Jeff lands one from the apron. Matt with the second rope legdrop, but he may have pulled the hamstring (just like EVERY time he does it). Who will tag? Both of 'em. Duck, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, but Hardy hits a dropkick. Right, off the ropes, unique clothesline, double leg for Richards, double legdrop to the crotch, shirt's off, through the ropes with Richards, but Venis is back - right, right, into the ropes, reversed, blind tag by Ivory, back body drop by Hardy, catches Ivory and there's a double noggin knocker! Tag to Lita! Scary rana for Venis! Spear for Ivory, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, big clothesline! "Lita!" Ivory rolls out...but THAT SLUT CHYNA is back! She grabs Ivory...and rolls her back in! Ivory catches glimpse of Chyna...and freezes - making her easy pickins for the gutshot and Twist of Fate from Lita - 1, 2, 3! (5:58) Roof blows off the joint but Chyna doesn't get her hands on her. Ross calls Ivory "Lita" just for fun. Chyna has THE STICK: "Hold on a minute, Ivory...last night, you issued a challenge to me for your precious little women's title knowing that I wouldn't show up...knowing that I wasn't 100% physically well. Well be careful what you ask for, Ivory, 'cause you just might get it. I accept your challenge and I will be there Sunday at the Royal Rumble, and according to my schedule...you have about five days of physical well-being." Play her music!
Outside the arena, a black limousine pulls up - a LONG black limo - and exiting it are Stephanie (in XFL jacket) and Triple H. I wonder if they'll have something to say...NEXT!
And now, the WWF Burn of the Week, brought to you by Stacker 2! From SmackDown! last Thursday, Austin burned us all by ruining a perfectly good six-man with his chair.
THE NEW MAN & STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT come out to Triple H's new theme, "Lemmy Been a Friend of Mine."
|Stephanie's hair is freshly heel-crimped, lest we forget which man is supposed to be considered de facto face in this heel/heel title matchup. Up first is The Game, and if Hyatte were here, he would probably take a gamble on predicting that Triple H will start off with "you know:" "You know, everywhere I go it's the same thing...it's the same thing, I hear it from everybody I meet. When I'm at a restaurant, the waiter comes over and he whispers in my ear: 'Triple H, kick Austin's ass.' When I'm at the airport, as I walk by, I hear people yell 'Triple H, kick Austin's ass - give him one for me!' When I'm at the hotel, the idiot carryin' my bags up to the room, right before he leaves, he looks back and he says 'hey Triple H...finish Austin off...finish him for good.' And you know what? Nothin' would make me happier right now than to drag Stone Cold Steve Austin's ass down that ramp, drag him into this ring, and finish it - to beat Stone Cold Steve Austin's ass, once and for all, right in the middle of this ring, right in front of each and every one of you! But... ["Aww Stin!"] ...oh you can cheer, but he won't come. Even Austin is smart enough to know when to stay away. And tonight, I've made a promise, and I intend to stick to my promise. So unless I am provoked, unless I am physically provoked by Steve Austin...I will leave him alone for the time being." "And order WILL be maintained here tonight." "Hold on a second, Steph - SHUT YOUR HOLES!" "And the man who will maintain that order...from two thousand miles away, LIVE via satellite is my dad, VINCE McMAHON! Hi Daddy!" "Hi Steph, how ya doin'?" "I'm good." "And uh, you, Triple H...lookin' pretty good, and it's really nice to have your presence back in the squared circle." "It's good to be back!" "How's the XFL?" "Well actually things are goin' real well with the XFL, I'm glad you asked. Of course, we're getting ready for the big kickoff on February 3, and I'm sorry I really can't be there tonight, because of my other duties, and I know that could be somewhat disheartening for WWF fans, but nonethless I'm sure that, Steph, I'm sure you'll see that, uh, things are...well...very interesting tonight, and speaking of that, Triple H, as you well know, the conversation that I had with you, and also the conversation that I had with Stone Cold Steve Austin earlier this weekend, it was well documented that if you two individuals clash in any way, there're gonna be *serious* consequences - for you, Triple H, if you physically provoke Stone Cold Steve Austin in any manner whatsoever, then Triple H, you lose your #1 Contendership, you will NOT face Kurt Angle for the WWF title at the Royal Rumble - and likewise, if Stone Cold Steve Austin, in any way, Triple H, provokes YOU, Stone Cold will lose his opportunity to participate in the thirty-man Royal Rumble matchup itself. So again, we would expect that both you two gentlemen would conduct yourself as consummate professionals...which is something that Stone Cold Steve Austin, quite frankly, did not do - in all fairness, did not do on SmackDown! Stone Cold interjected himself in the six-man tag team matchup. Well, Austin, since you like six man matches, then why don't we put you in one In That Very Ring tonight? That's right - tonight, it will be Stone Cold Steve Austin teaming up with...the Dudley Boyz. And Austin and the Dudley Boyz will square off against...the tag team champions, Edge & Christian...and those two will team up with...the World Wrestling Federation champion, Kurt Angle. And, uh, by the way Steph, I won't be able to watch tonight because I've got a meeting and they're calling for me right now, but I have my cel phone on, and if you need me for any reason, don't hesitate to call." "Thanks, Dad." "See ya later, Vince! You know it's funny that Vince brings up the World Wrestling Federation champion Kurt Angle. You know, I've said it once and I'm gonna say it again: Kurt Angle IS the World Wrestling Federation champion because *I* have allowed it. You see, Kurt Angle has not had a one-on-one title defense with me, even though I never actually lost the World Wrestling Federation championship, but he's never defended it against me because...quite frankly, my attention has been diverted elsewhere. Well as of right now, my attention is on Kurt Angle. My attention is on being the World Wrestling Federation champion. And I'm sorry to be the one to inform you, Kurt, but I'm gonna be the one that ends your illustrious title reign - and, and what a title reign it was, Kurt, I mean...you know, getting your brother to hide under the ring at Survivor Series...boy, that really showed some nads. And constantly getting yourself DQ'd and counted out, and having your little nimrod pals run in and save ya all the time...boy, that's something to be really proud of, Kurt - what a champion! Well, Kurt, Sunday at the Royal Rumble, you can bring 'em all - you can bring your family, you can bring your friends, you can bring Nancy Kerrigan, you can bring Mary Lou Retton, hell, you can bring the whole 1980 Olympic hockey team, and it's not gonna make a damn bit o' difference, because I *will* get what I want...Kurt Angle, I *will* be THE World Wrestling Federation champion, and there's not a damn thing YOU or anybody else can do about it!" This brings out KING KURT ANGLE for response. "Well well well - if it isn't my old friends, the McMahon-Helmsleys...and Triple H, I'll get to you in a second. But Steph, I have to say that I am very disappointed. Now, Steph, you know I love ya, but...you blew it, babe. And I know that Triple H is your husband and all, but the last time he was champion was when? King of the Ring? (Which I won, incidentally.) And Triple H, you may be a great athlete. You may be 'the Game,' but there is no way that you're takin' my title from me at the Rumble. And you wanna talk about games? Well Donkey Kong himself has a better shot of taking this title from me than you do, pal. And the only difference between you and Donkey Kong is that *he's* the big smelly ape that people actually like! And Steph, I know that Triple H is your husband, and I can respect that, and I'm only hoping that you can respect the fact that last week on SmackDown!, I felt the need to get someone in MY corner. Someone the McMahon-Helmsley family knows QUITE well. Trish, why don't you come out here and say hello?" TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL enters to moderate pop, showing off the brand-new mink and sparkly earrings she got last night on Heat. "Stephanie, Hunter...listen guys, no hard feelings, you know that I just think the WORLD of you two, but when Kurt asked me to be in his corner, I couldn't say no! Well, let's face it, whether it's Kurt Angle, or Mr. McMahon himself...I just love a man on top." We let that sink in a while. "Well, Trish...since the word NO doesn't seem to be a part of your vocabulary, then you won't have any problem with the match I'm about to make. Because tonight, In This Very Ring...you're gonna be in competition against a former WWF Women's Champion, Jackie! Oh, but Trish...this isn't going to be any kind of regular match, no no...I'm going to make a match more...suitable to your particular talents. Tonight, Trish, your match against Jackie is going to be a||1.9|
SPANKING match." Play Triple H's music!
Edge & Christian shill Stacker 2
Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER. Spank it! Spank it! Spank it!
Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! where Trish told Vince she's been bad, very bad, so bad she deserves a spanking. In response, Vince got CREEPY. Spank it!
Stephanie and Triple H react to this clip on the monitor. Steph hopes she gets exactly what she deserves. On the other hand, Triple H wonders how Vince will react to this spanking match - maybe she should just calm down. "Well, he didn't seem to mind when she got spanked on Thursday!" Speaking of calming down, he better cool his jets with Austin. H tells her not to worry, then promises that if Austin provokes him, it will be on. And not like Sable-in-the-front-row-Bischoff-on-fourth-headset "on," neither!
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST v. RAVEN - There's a Frankenstein doll riding in Raven's cart this week. Looks like he actually HAS the kitchen sink in there, too, but Test swipes his garbage can and gives him a WHACK. Pulling him off the floor, but Raven counters with a hot shot. Fire extinguisher in the face - Test walks into it - not a brainy lad, is he? Raven makes it into the ring while Test swings blindly. Raven with the left, left, left, Test ducks the right and hits a full nelson slam. 1-800-COL-LECT provides a garbage can Double Feature. Anybody else just waiting for Blackman and Holly? Ahh, here *is* KOOL MOE DEE, bringing referee "Blind" Mike Sparks in tow. Test crotched on top - cover for Raven - 1, 2, kickout. Right on schedule, MR. PARTY TIME is out with referee "Blind" Jack Doan. Gutshot for Holly - going for the fire extinguisher but Holly gets a lid in each hand and gets to windmillin'. Test off the top with a back elbow to Holy. Raven's taken off in the meantime...as usual, Holly and Blackman end up taking their eyes off the prize and brawl with each other instead. Test up the aisle but Raven swings a sign. Test ducks a second swing, hoists him up and rams him into the wwf.com logo at the base of the EntertainmentTron! Cover - 1, 2, Blackman over to break it up with a stomp. Holly over, right, right, right, Blackman kicks, right, Raven's gone, Test behind him. We go backstage, where Raven picks up another garbage can...Test running at him with a big boot to the can, to the head! Cover...no, before he can do it, WILLIAM REGAL runs Test into a garage door, then waffles him with the Euro title one more time! Raven sneaks in a cover (2:18) and before you know it, he's taken the hardcore belt and busted out the door into a waiting car...who's driving the car? We look back, where Holly and Blackman are STILL fighting. "What the heck is your problem, Blackman? If it weren't for you, I'd be champion by now!" "I don't know who you think you're talking to like that - I RUN this hardcore division!" "It seems pretty obvious, you want some o' me!" "No, I don't want some o' ya - I want to beat your ENTIRE ass out there in front of the world, tonight!" "You got it - and I'll lead the way, pal..." Are they headed to the ring? Well, maybe later.
If Kevin Kelly seems a bit anxious, it's because he's basking in the aura of a pacing Rock!
Dick Butkus pimps the XFL - it's REAL football. Later, he'll tell you that "My Two Dads" was REAL comedy.
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY gets out about one and a half words before the Rock cuts him off with his now familiar "be silent to the hand - and now the hand will envelop you" motion. "Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK to Milwaukee! So this is how it's going down, tonight, six days away from the biggest Royal Rumble in history, six days away, tonight - the Rock is in a tag team match. Partner: the Undertaker, opponents: Rikishi & Kane. Well excuse the Rock if he's not cuttin' backflips, excuse the Rock if he's not doin' cartwheels over havin' his partner be the Undertaker, 'cause you see, Undertaker, with what happened between you and the Rock last week, the week before that, the week before THAT, you and the Rock will never ever truly be partners. But Undertaker, after tonight, after our brief partnership tonight, consider our partnership tonight...history. And speaking of history, today is a very special day to the Rock...just as it is a very special day for every person around the world. Today is the birthday of another great one. Today is the birthday of another great one, today is the birthday of Martin Luther King, Jr. And just like Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. had a dream...well just like the Rock has a dream, too. The Rock has a DREAM that he's goin' to the Royal Rumble, and body after body after body, over the top rope, one man left standing in the middle of the ring, one man left standing, and that one man...is the Rock. The Rock has a DREEAM, has a DREAM that he's winnin' the Royal Rumble, goin' on to WrestleMania, and from coast to coast, Wisconsin to China and back to Wisconsin, sea to shinin' sea, the Rock, one more time, on top of the mountaintop, WWF.....Champion. And ya see, just like Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. had a dream, we all have dreams.
But there's been one
dream that has become a reality of the Rock, one dream that's been comin'
true for the Rock day after day, night after night, 24 hours a day, seven
days a week, 365 days a year, and that one dream is the Rock, forever,
whippin' ass, whippin' ass, THANK GOD ALMIGHTY the Rock is whippin' ass IF
YA SMELLLLLLLL what the Rock is cookin'!" Golly, and I was worried that
something *tasteless* might happen on a *wrestling* show!
Meanwhile, MICHAEL KING COLE stands with the Dudley Boyz. "Kurt Angle, Christian and Edge, tonight you will receive a little taste of what you're gonna get at the Royal Rumble, because you see there will be no rest for ya, and there will be no excape, ha - oh my brother Buh Buh, testify!" "Don't worry, Austin, the Dudley Boyz understand that a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, but when tonight is over, and we leave Edge, Christian and Angle layin' in the middle of the ring, it is then, Stone Cold, that you and the Dudleyz will have a little Dudleyville discussion."
Meanwhile, the Helmsleys are on the phone with Vince. Apparently Drew Carey is a huge mark for Triple H (mark? What's this "mark?") and he'd like to make an appearance at the Rumble. Vince says that's okay, but they didn't call him just to talk about Drew Carey? Steph says no, and relates Rock's unhappiness teaming with the Undertaker. Well, let's make Rock happy, says Vince, and reshuffles the match: Rock can team with Kane against Undertaker & Rikishi. Triple H: "That makes EVERYBODY happy! Vince... you're a genius."
Triple H shills Weider Dynamic Muscle Builder. I'm *afraid* of getting muscles because all they'll do is push out the fat in front of them and make me look even BIGGER
This is what the Bradley Center looks like if you DON'T have a ticket
And this is the view from the front row for some members of the MILWAUKEE BUCKS
Our hosts react to Vince's latest decision
ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' (on his Beautiful Titan Bike) and RIKASHMONEY (with "Tough Enough" hype) v. WELL IT'S KANE and IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLL (with RAW credits & TV-14-DLV-CC boxes) - WOW entrances sure waste a lotta time. Referee "Blind" Tim White not having much luck getting two guys to volunteer to step out so we can start the match. Looks like Rock and Rikishi will start - no, no issues HERE. Now *this* is a staredown. Nice scar tissue on Rikishi's forehead. Rikishi tries to strike first - nope. Block, right, right, right, right, right, Rikishi with one chop to the throat to turn it around (booya!) Into the ropes, reversed, Rock with a back elbow, stomp, right, into the corner is reversed, Rikishi follows with a lariat. Did Rock flump? Rikishi gives himself a wedgie...but Rock pops out with a clothesline. Dammit, he's NEVER gonna get to stinkface him! Rock ends up in his corner, and Kane slaps him in the back to tag himself in. Rock ain't too happy about THAT. Kane with a right, right, right, Rikishi fires back, right, right, knee by Kane, uppercut, into the ropes, Rikishi reverses, Samoan Drop! Off the ropes...drumstick drop! Kane put in the corner - Rikishi warming it up...and landing the fat ass splash! Kane still on his feet - ducking a clothesline - got him in the choke! But Rikishi uppercuts out (it takes two). Into the ropes, Kane lands a big boot. Muscling him up - HE BODYSLAMMED RIKISHI!!!!! Kane up top - just waiting for him to get up - flying clothesline finds the mark! Now ready for the choke...but Rikishi wanders towards his corner...and into Undertaker's soupbone (and a rather unorthodox tag). Another momentous staredown...but Kane finds himself falling victim to the "too close to my partner" tag, and Rock comes in. Soupbone, soupbone, soupbone - looks like he was ready. Into the ropes, reversed, Taker with a boot anyway. But Rock blocks the next soupbone, right, right, off the ropes...into a big boot. Taker drops the elbow. 1, 2, Rock kicks out. 1-800-COL-LECT Double Feature of Undertaker's unique tag. Into the corner, follow lariat by the Reaper. Into the opposite corner, Rock gets the elbow up, right, right, right,
into the ropes,
Taker ducks the clothesline and flies with one of his own. AND NOW THE
BANDANA'S OFF! I dunno. It's Old Skool time! Rock must not have it
scouted, because Undertaker lowers the boom with no problem. Rock pops
back up, however, right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes,
reversal, duck, double clothesline and now BOTH men are down. White puts
on the count...4...5....6...Undertaker up. Grabbing Rock...well, there's a
great shot of Tim White's ass, so who knows what happened - I'll guess
"Iblockyoursoupboneyoudon'tblockmyright," again, right, right, into the
ropes, reversal, Rock manages a swinging neckbreaker - Undertaker back up,
so Rock goes to the always popular right, right, right, right, NOW KISS
THAT RIGHT! Gutshot, DDT! Cover...Rikishi pulls him off. Kane in and
Rikishi's out with two rights. Kane follows, and they go at it on the
outside. Meanwhile, Undertaker lands an uppercut on the Rock. KANE JUST
RANG RIKISHI'S BELL! Rather, he used to bell to...okay. Back to the ring
- Rock with a spinebuster on the Taker! Standing at the ready to deliver
the Rock Bottom - but wait! Kane is in and surprising his own partner -
with a CHOKESLAM! Undertaker is up...takes in his surroundings...and grabs
the dead weight of the Rock's body. Last Ride coming up...nope, Rock fell
back down. If at first...THIS time the powerbomb will land. 1, 2, 3.
Kane and Taker just share a look? Did *Rikishi* and Taker just
share a look? Replay of Kane's chokeslam...and Taker's powerbomb (the time
it works). Rollin' rollin' rollin' rollin'.....
HEY! Chris Benoit is WALKING! And now he's got...A LADDER!
Royal Rumble ad
Moments Ago, Rock was waiting for Undertaker to get up so he could Rock Bottom him...too bad he wasn't watching the EntertainmentTron or he'd have seen his partner creep up behind him with the chokeslam. And there's a Last Ride. And there's Kane...staring.....so is Kane still a heel if he hooks back up with his half-brother? And when does the Show come back to get his revenge? And that's the Last Word! Big Boss Man raised the briefcase! The Executioners were Dwayne Gill and Barry Hardy! And I need some more medication!
CHRIS BENOIT brings a ladder to the ring, sets it up in the middle...and climbs to the top. I wonder if he'll be able to climb that quickly on Sunday? "Chris Jericho, I have got to hand it to you. You are, without question, a phenomenal athlete. In fact, you're one of the premiere performers in the ENTIRE WWF today. So, when you challenged me to a ...ladder match? for my intecontinental title at the Royal Rumble, well, I'm not going to lie to you, I got chills down my spine. I've been in the ring with a lotta tough guys, but there is no one, and I mean no one that hands it to me quite like you do. So with that in mind, Jericho, as a sign of respect for our history, I've put together a little something - I like to call this piece 'the best of Jericho/Benoit.'" On the EntertainmentTron, we watch a set of clips. To "Break the Walls Down," here's a greatest hits - that is, if they were the greatest hits of Benoit, literally, on Jericho. Benoit enjoys a hearty chuckle. "Notice a pattern there, Jericho? In under a minute, I summed up our entire history. At Royal Rumble, you'll give it your all, and you'll give it all you've got - and it'll be no different than any other time you step into the ring with me - at the end, it'll be ME standing over your prone, defeated body. And if you think otherwise, Jericho, well there is one thing you could do, but it's something you've yet to do your entire life. PROVE ME WRONG. 'cause at the Royal Rumble, Jericho, you're gonna - why don't you shut up and show some respect..." Well, the reason the crowd's voice rose as one is that behind him, CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO hit the ring, climbed up the opposite side of the ladder and shoved Benoit off, hot shotting him off the top rope on his way down. (I hope Benoit wasn't watching the EntertainmentTron!) Jericho grabs the ladder and rams Benoit, taking him over the top rope to the floor! Play his music! No, wait, he's got something to say. "Benoit, you wanna talk about the best of Jericho? Well you can consider that another one of my GREATEST HITS!" Okay...NOW play his music!
UP NEXT: Stone Cold and the Dudleys against the ACE!
The Dudley Boyz are WALKING! But WAIT! Edge & Christian have attacked from behind with chairs...BIG WHACK for Buh Buh Ray's head! Did this quickly become a Handicap match? Well, that Unprettyer on D-Von probably just sealed the deal. Christian: "Looks like the WWF tag team champions...just gave you two the night off."
Moments Ago, please see last paragraph
Triple H & Stephanie watch on the monitor. "Now THAT'S impressive - Edge & Christian doin' a HELL of a number on the Dudley Boyz. I'm tellin' you what...Austin provokes me tonight, that's exactly how I'm gonna take Austin out...you know which brings up an interesting point. Since Austin doesn't have any partners now, you think Austin's gonna take on all three champions by himself tonight?" "I don't know....I think I should call Dad..." "For what?"
KOOL MOE DEE (with Earlier Tonight) v. MR. PARTY TIME - Wouldn't Stephanie *want* Austin on the wrong end of a three on one? HEY! They *lied* about that "Up Next" bit! Commentators actually make hay out of "who's driving that car?" this week. "Now, Blackman...SOME say you were the greatest hardcore champion in the WWF, but MOST say Bob Holly was the greatest hardcore champion in the WWF. So I'm gonna get straight to the point - Blackman, bring your ass down that ramp and get in this ring, and let's just SEE how hardcore you can be!" We are told this is not a hardcore matchup - well, we'll see about that. Blackman rushes the ring and it's on - Holly with forearms to the back, right, Blackman kicks, Holly right, Blackman kick to the back of the leg, Holly punches one more time, Blackman to the charley horse one more time, another kick, and another to take him down. Into the ropes, reversed by Holly, Blackman tumbles under, Blackman's roundhouse kick avoided, Holly's kick caught, Blackman with a reverse leg sweep. Elbowdrop...misses. Holly with a kick, into the ropes is reversed, clothesline ducked, Holly with the Best Dropkick in the Business. Going for a suplex but Blackman reverses, hanging him out to dry on the top rope, then bring him back in the hard way by shoving down on his head. Blackman throats him on the top rope again...then shoves away that mouthy referee "Blind" Teddy Long. Holly manages a kick, another kick, drapes Blackman on the ropes, and hits the Greatest Crotchkick in the Business. Going for it again...and landing it. Long expressing great frustration and the apparently blatant ignorance of the stripes and WWF patch. Holly outside, and he's got a chair. Back in, ready to swing...Long takes it away from him. Crowd boos (ha!) and Holly tosses him through the ropes. Blackman back in - LETHAL KICK! "YES! IT'S STILL MY HOUSE!" Blackman outside for some weapons as Long starts a long, slow walk back up the ramp - looks like he's done for the night. Blackman's got a trashcan lid. Referees Korderas and Sparks meet Long on the ramp - "forget it, just go back up." "Just leave 'em?" "Go back." Blackman kneecaps Holly off the ropes. Another zinger. "NOW WE'RE HAVIN' FUN!!" Blackman with the backhanded compliment (trashcan lid to the head) - and only *now* has he realised there's no third man in the ring. "GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE! LET'S GO!" But Holly's back up and he's brought a friend - WHACK! Ross: "Do not enter...my skull with a steel sign!" "How ya like me now, Blackman?" Lawler: "I don't think he likes you at all!" Holly's music plays...I don't think anything was settled. (about 3) I wonder if/how many times the hardcore title will change hands during the Rumble?
Steph and Hunter have Vince on the phone once again. "This better be good, you've pulled me out of another meeting, now what is it?" They explain the situation. Vince says he sees the problem; after all, he had to force the Dudleyz to team with Austin because he has no friends. Well, Austin is free to ask someone to join him, but if he doesn't, "in the interest of fairness to our fans," Austin will have to take on all three in a handicap match. "By the way, how, just out of curiosity, how are things goin' - how is everyone? How's Rock, how's Kane..uh...how's Trish, Essa Rios--" "Did you just say TRISH? Did you just ask how--" "Well, yeah - how's Trish doing?" "Well, Dad, you'll be sorry you missed Trish because she's wearing a brand SPANKING new outfit." Triple H makes a face. "Oh - boy I sure wish I were there." "I bet you do." "You guys have a good night!" "You too." H: "See ya Vince."
Meanwhile, Trish makes ready with the Yapapi strap-ation, DUDE Lawler says some form of "spank" about a hundred times in three seconds.
Edge & Christian shill Stacker 2 (again)
The Hardy Boyz shred to the extreme, Max - and eat Chef Boyardee ravioli
Steve Austin is lacing up! What'll he do? WHATEVER WILL HE DO?!?
TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL DOT COM (with RAW is WAR is brought to you by Stacker 2, Castrol motor oily, and Chef Boyardee overstuffed ravioli) v.
JACQUELINE DOT COM in a SPANKING SPANKING SPANKING
- both women carry WWFDivas.com plugs as well as leather straps to the
ring. Ross notes that a mention of this match failed to enter into the
phone call to Vince. What's up with Jackie's eyebrows? Referee "Blind"
Chad Patton draws the long straw. Trish tries to make a run for it, but
Jackie grabs the hair and brings her back in - whip! WHIP WHIP WHIP WHIP
WHIP and Trish manages to roll out - the chase is on! Trish back in - WHIP
for Jackie as she comes in - WHIP! Into the ropes, reversed, STRAP
CLOTHESLINE by Jackie. Jackie pulls up her shirt, exposing her back, and
gets five or six more whips in. Anybody who's watching the kids in the
front row instead of the women is probably watching the wrong show.
There's two more lashings. Before the beating can continue until Lawler's
morale improves, KING KURT
ANGLE is out to put a stop to all this nonsense.
Jackie dares him to come in the ring...Trish from behind with a strap to
the neck takedown. Turning her over - WHIP! WHIP! Elbowdrop...MISSES!
Shoulda stuck to the strap, I guess. Angle tries to pull out Trish, but
Jackie has a hold of her pants and...well, Jackie gets a good three shots
on Trish's thong before Angle finally extricates her from the ring.
Apparently, at this point Patton awards the match to
Angle: "You think you're a woman?" Of course, the last thing we'd want to
see *right now* is Lawler's mug - so we cut to the shot of Lawler.
And now, the WWF Slam of the Week, sponsored by 1-800-COL-LECT! From Heat last night, Kai En Tai remind Too Cool that they are evil, and not to be trusted.
Moments Ago, Angle saved Stratus - at the cost of her pants. And Lawler's. Think Angle will challenge Jacqueline on SmackDown!?
K-KWIK & TOO COOL v. TAZZZZZZZZZZ & KAI EN TAI - "Y'know, ya gotta love these guys - ya gotta, ya gotta love these two uh, silly little ninja freaks. Hahahahaha. Especially what they did on my show last night, Sunday Night Heat, to Two Fools. Hahahahaha." "Oh, Tazz - Mr. Redhook, your words, they amuse me! Two Fools - CLEVER. By replacing the letter 'c' with the letter 'f,' you have completely changed their name, therefore it is funny! Hahaha! Well done my thug friend!" "InDEED." Ever notice that Funaki is in, like, the top five of catchphrases these days? ("That's so unfair. Why didn't he get over with his WRESTLING?") Umm, you got me there. Funaki and Hotty start, arm wringer by Hotty, reversed by Funaki, kip up, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Hotty ducks - death suplex. Tag to Sexay - bearhug by Hotty while Sexay dances, clothesline by Sexay off the ropes, legdrop to the crotch by Hotty. Into the ropes, Funaki manages a kick and a tag. Taka in, tries a head scissors, but Sexay stops his progress and drops him with a three storey powerbomb. Into the ropes is reversed, but Sexay puts up the superkick - on the second rope and ready to fly, but first he's gotta get jiggy...oops, took too long - Tazz is over to hot shot him. Taka puts Sexay into the ropes, drop toe hold, camel clutch by Funaki, YES! The "bow and dropkick" spot gets me EVERY time - it must be the celebration post-move. Tag to Tazz, right, overhand right, forearm, into the ropes, clothesline, stomp, clawing at the eyes, kick, kick, kick, right, right, right, referee "Blind" Jack Doan trying to get it out of the corner so Tazz snapmares him out, overhand right, right, right, right, winding up, but missing the clothesline (who's throwing stuff in the ring?) and Sexay manages a powerslam. Who will tag? "American Males" clap says...Sexay! And there's the HOT TAG to K Kwik! Right, into the ropes, flying jalapeno, nip up, splits, into the ropes is reversed, Kwik up and over, superfluous backflip, landing on his feet, even, dropkick, ducking a Funaki clothesline and clotheslining HIM down, Taka in with a spinning heel kick - Sexay in to take HIM out. Hotty with a bulldog on Tazz...I think that face means it's time to do the W O R M hoo hoo hoo HOO HOO HOO hi-YA! The ring empties of tag teams as Kwik comes off the ropes with a side kick onto Tazz - 1, 2, Funaki baseball slide dropkicks a save. Sexay tosses him out, but fails to notice Tazz up from behind on Kwik with the Tazzmission!!!! Kwik has no choice but to tap. (4:02) "Stop the music! Stop the music, baby! Cut the music! By the power of Thor it is clear, you have become JUST ANOTHER VICTIM, hahahaha!" "InDEED." Play Kai en Tai's music!
Angle checks on Trish. He's VERY disappointed in Stephanie for booking the match. Trish says she still wants to come out for Kurt's match, but Kurt tells her not to worry - go back to the hotel and put some salve on that thing - rest up for the Rumble. He can handle Austin. "You go...ice that thing or whatever." Stratus keeps rubbing it, in the hopes that YOU'LL start rubbing...nah, I don't know.
Edge & Christian shill Stacker 2 (#3)
Our hosts introduce...
The Royal Rumble Replay, from last year, is Too Cool and Rikishi dancing...and Rikishi waffling both of 'em...and taking them both over the top ropes and outside simultaneously. If only they'd waited until later, maybe they'd have been in until the end!
Steve Austin is pacing anxiously - has he found some partners? WILL he find some partners?
Triple H said he knew Austin had no friends, and will go one on three with the champs. Stephanie whispers something in Triple H's ear - Triple H thinks that's good - Austin will provoke him FOR SURE. You thinking what I'm thinking?
"MTV's Choose or Lose: Slavery in 2001" - I mean, "Tough Enough" hype
Earlier Tonight, Chyna made a triumphant return, and helped Lita get the duke in their six-person tag match. Then, she said some stuff
Our hosts speculate on Chyna's physical condition.
To WWF New York we go, where Tha 1 Billy Gunn is inside. They ask him how he feels about Chyna getting back in the ring on Sunday. He loves her to death, but he thinks it's too soon. She's not 100% and that worries him. But he'll be as supportive a gay best friend as he can be! As for the Right to Censor, he'll have lots of fun tossing them out of the Rumble...on his way to winning, natch.
The ACE are WALKING!
Earlier Tonight, the Dudley Boyz were eliminated by Edge & Christian...and a couple chairs.
STEP OFF DOT COM (with 1-800-COL-LECT presents the WWF Royal Rumble in just six days!...and by his damn self?) v. THE ACE in a handicap match - Well, apparently he's standing alone...but he's got a smile on his face as the three champions advance. Ahhh, the music of the ACOLYTES distracts everybody, allowing Austin to get the jump on Angle - right, right, right, head to the buckle, and it's time to ask Katie to bar the door 'cause it's on in a Pier Six fashion, folks. Each corner has two men brawling, with the exception of the fourth corner, holding a confused "Blind" Earl Hebner. Well, I was *sure* Triple H would be the special guest ref - I guess my instincts have been affected by this infection. Edge & Christian end up tossed as Austin hits a Ten Punch Count Along. Into the ropes, back elbow. Into the ropes, but Angle holds on and tags in Christian. Christian runs into a right, right, right, calling for Bradshaw's boot and running Christian into it - into the ropes, clothesline, bleep, tag to Bradshaw - kick in the gut, forearm, into the ropes, clothesline ducked, Christian's crossbody caught...and there's a fallaway slam by Bradshaw. Going for a powerbomb - Angle forearms him to release Christian, and Edge gets the tag - running right into a shoulderblock - into the ropes, reversed, head down, clubbing blow by Bradshaw, knockdown, BIIG death suplex. Faarooq tagged in - into the ropes, double spinebuster. ENORMOUS "Angle sux" chant. Right by Faarooq. Into the ropes, wicked powerslam. Tag to Austin - head to Austin's boot - head to the buckle by Austin, into the ropes, Edge manages a kick, and a dropkick. Right, right, right, right, tag to Angle. Kick. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, into the corner, out of the corner, death suplex. The chant rises again. A SECOND death suplex. Stomp. Stomp.
Scoops him up...but Austin
flips backwards, not landing right, but still springing up to turn it
around - right, right, right, into the ropes, duck, duck, so Austin stops
trying clotheslines and just gives him the spinebuster instead. Edge &
Christian each have a chair - but Austin ducks the meeting of the chairs,
and the Acolytes muscle them out of the ring. Back in the ring, Austin
puts Angle on the top turnbuckle, climbs to the second rope...SUPERPLEX!!
Leg is hooked - 1, 2, NO! Looked kinda "iffy" to me. Austin in control -
everybody else has apparently brawled to the back. But now THE NEW MAN is out on the
stage. Austin tosses Angle aside and turns his gaze to Helmsley. Now
back to Angle...who manages a blatant uppernut. Hebner missed it
completely - he was watching the EntertainmentTron, you see, which was
showing....oh hell. Angle stomps, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp,
stomp, stomp. Gutwrench attempt - but Austin counters into a gutwrench of
his own! Instead of covering, he rabbits him with nine quick rights.
Into the ropes, reversed, Angle catches him - belly-to-belly overhead
suplex!! 1, 2, Austin gets a shoudler up! Angle tries again - another 2!
Right, right, right, into the opposite corner, Austin reverses, but Angle
LEVELS him with a clothesline coming out. Going for the Olympic Slam -
but Austin knees out - four knees, right, right, side Russian legsweep
(!), Angle hung on the second rope, Austin going for the Boss Man straddle
but Angle is watching the big screen (Angle is the SMARTEST WRESTLER
ALIVE) and moves away. Austin with a right - into the ropes - Lou Thesz
press! Piston rights! Angle rakes the face in the corner, up to the
second rope...but Austin puts up a boot to the gut - KICK WHAM STUNNER -
1, 2, 3! (6:45) Hey, look - there's
the finish we all wanted last week - somebody listened! And YOU listen to
that crowd. Austin quickly turns his eyes to Triple H up on the stage -
the man...with the mic. "Hold it right there! Cut the damn music!
Austin, this has been a long time in comin'....over a year. And it's been
a long year." Austin drinks a beer. "I've crippled you, I've put you on
the shelf for over a year, I've made you bleed, I bent a steel pipe over
your head, and I'm gonna be damned happy to finish it right here and now."
H removes his jacket...and parts the ropes. "Come on, Austin. I'm gonna
give you a fightin' chance. I'm gonna give you the first shot. Come on!
Ball your fist up...AND HIT ME! COME ON AUSTIN! Come on! HIT ME!
What's the matter? I thought you were a MAN." Crowd: "OHHHHHH!" "HIT
MEEE!! What's the matter, Austin, are you nothin' but a punk?" Austin
brushes off Hebner. "You stand here in front o' me, and you won't hit me
- what's the matter, Austin, does that finger in your face bother you?
Do something about it! Hit me, Austin! Come on! Suck it up one time!
Be the rattlesnake! Be Stone Cold! Hit me, Austin! What's the matter,
you haven't got the sack? I can see the fear in your eyes, Austin. I can
smell the fear on you - you're SCARED, aren'cha. You're scared. HIT
MEEEE!" Austin leaves the ring...and grabs a chair! "Yeah! That's it,
Austin, grab the chair - come on - it doesn't matter if you lose your shot
at the Royal Rumble - it doesn't matter if you lose your chance at the
World Wrestling Federation championship, Austin...you want me more than
life itself! Rare back on that - and HIT ME AUSTIN! COME ON YA DUMB
SONOFABITCH, HIT ME--" Austin drops the chair, flips two birds to
Helmsley...and takes off. Crowd goes nuts. Austin makes the "I want da
belt" hand motion. "Yeah, just what I thought, Austin, leave. You're a
coward! I can see the yellow stripe up your back - I can see your knees
shakin'! BMF! Austin, you are nothing but a great big (beep!)" Damn, I
wonder what finally got Austin to turn around. I'd guess "pussy."
Austin runs back to the ring - is it gonna happen? Well, no - HOLY COW
Angle is back in and giving Triple H an Olympic Slam to the blind side!
Austin settles for KICK WHAM STUNNER to Angle. Play his music! Throw him
another beer! Austin gives Triple H an earful (of words, not beer) on his
way back up the ramp. Credits are up and we're out.
Hey there. I was at the RAW in Milwaukee tonight, and thought I'd pass on some spoilers and post-show news your way.
-JACK Someone vs. PETE GAS
-JACK Someone vs. PETE GAS
-JUST JOE vs.
LO DOWN vs. no names given
CRASH (w/ MOLLY HOLLY) vs. SCOTT
CHAD WILLIAMS vs. SATURN (w/
ESSA RIOS vs. JOEY
After RAW went off the air, HHH got up and taunted Austin some more. Austin, up on the stage, walks down the ramp and up to the ring, gives a double bird, and walks back up the ramp. Halfway up, he turns and is 1 for 2 on beer catches from the ringside guy, makes some more "The belt should be on my waist" gestures and then leaves. For some reason, Hebner comes back to the ring. HHH gets a mic, berates both Lilian Garcia and Hebner, and then says that no matter what we call him, after Sunday we'll have to call him the WWF Champion after he beats Angle's ass. His music plays, and he walks out as Lilian implores us to buy buy buy all the WWF merchandise we can before we leave.
That's about it. Nice crowd at the Bradley Center, and certainly loud. The normal pops and sing alongs, with two notable exceptions. First, when the APA ran in for the main event, they got one of the loudest pops of the night and brought the crowd to their feet. Secondly, the next phrase that might appear on a shirt? My money is on FUNAKI's "INDEED!" The crowd was saying it even before he did, and shouted it every time he said it a la ROCK's "If you smell..." Truly surprising at how over it already is, but it is enjoyable. A great night, minus the minor accident I was in at the parking garage. Later.