WWF RAW is WAR
WWF 19 1/16 (+ 1
1/8 ... last year: 14 13/16), SPLN 8 7/8
(+ 3 3/8
... last year: 43 3/4)
TONIGHT: The Cajundome in full effect! One day removed from the Royal Rumble, the Rock teams with Chris Jericho to take on Chris Benoit and the Big Show. The Big Show? Yes! The Big Show!
One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
If it's the beginning of the show, it must be PYRO! Coming to you LIVE from the Cajundome in Lafayette, LA and transmitido en espanol SAP 22.1.1 here, WWF New York, TNN, TSN, everywhere, everywhere, everywhere, RAW is WAR!
TONIGHT: The Rock teams with Chris Jericho to take on Chris Benoit and the Big Show!
THE NEW MAN & STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT start out tonight's festivities - Triple H carries a sledgehammer and the look of a man who got pinned last night - the Smark told me this was Triple H's first pinfall loss since Abraham Lincoln held the championship, and I know better than to try to use *facts* to change his mind. "You know, usually there's nothing that I hate more than comin' to some little hole in the wall piece o' crap town like this...I mean, I go out of my way to make sure I can go in, kick somebody's ass and get the hell out! But tonight, tonight is a little bit different, because the fact of the matter is I've been lookin' forward to THIS town for a long time. ["Asshole!"] I been lookin' forward to this town, because this was supposed to be MY night - you see, I was supposed to be standing here right in the middle of this ring, and I was supposed to be holding the World Wrestling Federation championship belt above my head. Tonight was my night - I would have been the champion! But one man, and one man alone prevented that from happening...and it sure as hell wasn't Kurt Angle. ["Austin!"] Yer damn right, it was that piece o' crap Stone Cold Steve Austin. You see, last night it was MINE - last night, the World Wrestling Federation championship was in my hands. Kurt Angle was unconscious in the middle of the ring. And then...Stone Cold Steve Austin SCREWED ME! Well I'm TIRED of it. I'm tired of all of it. I'm tired of all the games...I'm tired of all the back and forth...I am sick and tired of Stone Cold Steve Austin! So I'll tell ya how it's gonna be....as soon as Stone Cold Steve Austin arrives in this building...[picks up the sledgehammer] I...will be waiting. ["Slut!"] Go ahead...make me madder than I already am. Because the fact of the matter is, when Austin arrives at this building, I am gonna split his head open with this sledgehammer - Stone Cold, I'm gonna make it real simple for ya...because you're gonna see it comin'...you're gonna know where it's gonna come from...you're gonna know when it's gonna come. Austin, I will have my night. It might not be standing in this ring, holding the World Wrestling Federation championship above my head, but tonight, my moment will be standing over your bloodied, beaten ass." KING KURT ANGLE makes his way out at this point. "Triple H, maybe your name should be Triple W..for 'wah, wah, wah.' 'If it wasn't for Stone Cold, I'd be champion. THIS was supposed to be my night.' Well let me clarify something for you, pal - there's only one person who cost you that title - ME. In case you didn't know, Triple H, Stone Cold didn't cover your prone body for the 1, 2, 3 - it was Your Olympic Hero. *I* won that match. MY hand was raised. Not yours - MINE. I mean, Triple H, what do I have to do to finally get some respect around here? And you know something, it's not my fault that Austin - and the rest of the world, for that matter - hates you so much. Maybe if you spent a little less time crying over spilt milk, and a little more time drinking it like me, you'd finally be a winner." "You know, Kurt...that's real cute. You're a funny guy - problem is, tonight I don't have a very good sense o' humour. So why don't you walk down that ramp and come into this ring and let me tee off your head for a coupla minutes?" "Oh, big man with the sledgehammer, huh? Triple H...why is it that every time you beat someone, it's because of some foreign object? You know, running someone over with a car, using a steel pipe, a sledgehammer. Can't you beat someone on just, say, natural ability?" "You want natural ability? Fine. I'll tell you what - after I get done out back, splittin' Austin's head open with this sledgehammer, I'll put the sledgehammer down. And then if you're a man, you'll walk down that ramp, and I'll kick your ass for that World Wrestling Federation championship like I did last night." "You wanna take my title. I'll tell you what, Triple H - that's fine with me. 'cause I'll beat you again. Consider it done, monkey boy." TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL makes *her* entrance. "Hold on there, Kurt - you know, if we're ALL gonna come out here and issue challenges - well, I got one of my own. Stephanie, you know, I tried to be nice. We coulda been the very BEST of friends, but since that's not what you wanted, why don't you follow your husband's lead...and face me. One on one tonight." "You know, Trish...["slut!"]...since you seem to want to get your hands on a McMahon so badly...well then I am more than happy to oblige you. But Trish, consider this: the next spanking you get will be MY open hand across your pretty little face. And now, Trish, it's no secret that you're a (beep). But tonight, In This Very Ring, you're gonna be MY (beep)." Play Triple H's music!
Outside the arena, a limousine pulls up..and Vince McMahon swaggers out.
When we come back, MICHAEL KING COLE catches up to Vince McMahon and asks for comment on the two big matches set up in the opening segment. Vince says the last time he checked, HE was still the chairman - the boss - so, "in the interests of fairness...these matches MAY happen...then again, they may not."
WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: WILLIAM REGAL (with RAW is WAR is brought to you by Weider Dynamic Muscle Builder, M&M's, and Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli!) v. TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST - "That dirty, foul, insignificant little specimen Test has been a thorn in my side. Tonight, your goodwill ambassador, I apologise to you, my friends. Because I am going to make Test feel like he's been hacked up with a bloody hatchet!" Test hastens to the ring and gets it started - right, right, right, right, right, into the corner, backdrop out. Running clothesline, and Regal rolls out. Test does his walk over the top rope (just like Diesel!) and catches up to Regal - right, right, head to the commentary table, rolled back in, and Test makes the mistake of coming in under the bottom rope instead of straddling the top rope (just like Diesel!), and Regl kicks him. European forearm, again, Euro elbow, again, again, Euro uppercut. Jumping double kneelift to the head (!), left hand, Euro elbow. Into the ropes, reversed, big boot by Test. Scoop...and a slam. Over the top rope (just like Diesel!) ... climbing up top. Savage elbow! Wait a minute...that's his move! 1, 2, YES 3!! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new European champion. (1:29) What, is Regal back on the sauce? Replay confirms that Test *did* just hit that top-rope elbowdrop for the pin. Test points to his armband, which has MORLEY written on it. Geez, did Val Venis die and nobody told us? ("No, his MOTHER did. Can't you show ANY sensitivity?") Oh. Well, let's move on, then.
Triple H busts in on Vince McMahon (in the middle of reading an XFL article), reminds him he got screwed last night, and he's not gonna let ANYBODY take his match away from him tonight. Vince asks him to cool his jets - he said he'd take it under advisement. "You're out there talkin' about what's fair...oh, I get it...'in the interests of fairness.' You wouldn't be thinkin' in the interests of...somebody else's fairness? Maybe Trish? What head you thinkin' with, Vince, huh?" Vince tells him to get ready for the match - there's a good chance he's gonna get it, but he's taking it under consideration. "And cool off while you're at it!"
On February 3rd, your adrenaline will rush, your heart will pound, and also, the XFL will debut.
Edge & Christian shill Stacker 2
Woooooo! Miami Vice escapes FX hell! Gooooo TNN!
Moments Ago, five paragraphs ago
Backstage, Regal...attempts to keep his composure
ACCOLADES (with Jacqueline & Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) v. HARDY BOYZ (with Lita) - this match apparently has something to do with their six-person match last Thursday, but buggered if *I* could figure it out. Of course, the Hardyz are fresh off their "are the seeds planted" performance in last night's Rumble - Ross said they spent most of today separated. Matt starts with Bradshaw...no, wait, Jeff wants to start - Matt and Jeff having a chat - Bradshaw forearms Matt and Jeff starts wailling away on him - into the ropes, reversed, big boot by Bradshaw. Overhand forearm. Going for a powerbomb - Matt in to forearm HIM, Jeff backdrops him and goes to the top...but Bradshaw crotches him. Again, Matt is over to provide distraction - Jeff shoves him back to the mat - but Bradshaw catches the plancha attempt and turns it into a fallaway slam. Free shot for Matt on the apron, tag to Faarooq, open shot, open shot, open shot. Right, right, right.
Shoved into the corner, kick, into the
opposite corner, Jeff gets the boots up, double leg takedown, double leg to
the crotch. Now it's *Bradshaw* distracting referee "Blind" Mike Chioda -
so Matt is over - tandem legdrops. Faarooq put in the corner, Matt
directing Jeff over for Poetry in Motion...but Bradshaw looks to be cutting
him off, so Matt gets off all fours to continue punching away on Faarooq -
only problem is, Chioda cut Bradshaw off, so Jeff continues running...but
Matt isn't in position. They start discussing things *again*, and Faarooq
sneaks in a clothesline to Matt's back - Jeff watches this...then gets
taken to the outside by Bradshaw. Right by Faarooq on Matt - head to
Bradshaw's boot, tag, into the ropes, double shoulderblock. Bradshaw drops
the elbow and covers...for 2. Hardy tries to punch out, but Bradshaw hits
a kneelift. Crowd chants "Lita," 'cause.....who knows. Into the ropes,
head down, so Hardy hits a neckbreaker. Bradshaw pulls the hair to prevent
the tag, then tags out to Faarooq...scoop...and a slam. Headbutt off the
ropes, for 2. Tag to Bradshaw - open shot to the gut. Off the ropes,
shoulderblock. Bradshaw covers - and gets 2. Tag to Faarooq - another
open shot. Into the ropes, head down, Matt takes his head to the mat.
Both men slow to get up - Faarooq with a kick to the head, Matt with a
gutshot...and DDT. There's the tag! Into the ropes, double back elbow,
senton/fistdrop combo - Bradshaw comes in, they doubleteam HIM - into the
ropes, Bradshaw absorbs Matt's cllothesline but goes down to Jeff's
dropkick. Back in to clothesline Jeff, right, Faarooq with a gutshot on
Matt, would like to do the Dominator but there's no room with all these
people in the ring....finally, Bradshaw lunges at Jeff, who ducks, and
*Faarooq* takes the shot. Gutshot by Matt, Twist of Fate on
Bradshaw...Jeff hits the swantonbomb...but see, Faarooq is the legal man -
gutshot for Jeff, Dominator HITS (for the first time in about six years!) -
cover - 1, 2, 3. (5:03) Ross
suggests that the Hardyz lost track of the
legal man...just like they did on Thursday. Matt seems...frustrated.
Triple H asks Stephanie what his dad could possibly be thinking. "This whole thing stinks!" Stephanie says that her father is a fair man - he just doesn't like being told what to do. She's sure he'll get his match. Hey, did he say anything about HER match? "Oh, your match? That never even came up." He's HER father...maybe she'll have better luck talking to him than he did. H brandishes his sledgehammer and says he'll be out back waiting for Austin.
Mick Foley introduces the WWF Fanatic contest - if you win the Ultimate Fanatic contest, you can be the Lieutenant Host! Log on to wwffanaticseries.com for details.
It is the Cajundome - what a beautiful dome it is
Stephanie talks to Vince - Hunter deserves a title shot tonight! Vince says he never said he didn't deserve it...he's taking it under advisement. Turning to her match with Trish, Vince says he's concerned for her safety - after all, she's Daddy's Little Girl. "You wouldn't, by any chance, be worried about the physical wellbeing of another little girl that might be in the ring with me, are you?" "Now, look...you don't need to go there, all right?" "Go where?" Vince says he's got a good mind to let them go at each other, given that they both embarrassed him last night. Still... "Go get dressed for the match, but I'll still take it under advisement. All right." Then they have another one of those creepy lip kisses just for fun.
Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER. It was a big surprise last night when the Big Show made a big return! And nobody felt it more than the Rock.
Let Us Take You Back to the Royal Rumble where the Big Show did pretty much anything he wanted.
Earlier Today, Michael King Cole sat down with the Rock. I was going to transcribe this interview for you, but then I remembered I was sick and already 24 hours behind, so instead I'll summarize it thusly: he's disappointed that he didn't win the Royal Rumble, that he wasn't good enough. This was his opportunity to be in the main event at WrestleMania...instead, he's sitting next to some roody poo N*SYNC wannabe. He respects that Austin did what he had to do to win the Royal Rumble, but it's irrelevant that he won - it could have been Austin, Kane, Drew Carey, Jim Carrey, or Harry Caray - what IS relevant is that the Rock DIDN'T win. The Rock is the most electrifying man in all of entertainment,
his main goal remains to once again become WWF Champion. "Do you smell
Chris Jericho is WALKING! Even though his arm still hurts
Kurt Angle shills "SmackDown! 2: Know Your Role" for the PlayStation
And now, the WWF Burn of the Week, brought to you by Stacker 2! From last night, clips of the ladder match - which show no appreciable burning that I can discern
Triple H paces around outside...conveniently nearby a XFL paintjob (arrrgh)
CHRIS BENOIT and WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW (with Weider Sports Nutrition presents WWF No Way Out!) v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with RAW credits) and IF YA SMELLLLLLLL DOT COM (with TV-14-DLV-CC ratings boxes) - a little strange to start the War Zone at 9:52...unless this segment goes REALLY long and it's after 10 by the time it's over, no? Well, here we go - Jericho hits the ring first but gets caught by Benoit - forearm, forearm, into the ropes, back elbowed down. Into the ropes, running clothesline. Right, into the ropes, Jericho ducks the elbow, then hits the flying jalapeno. Bulldog off the ropes by Jericho. Off the ropes again, but too close to the Show, who mauls him. Gutshot by Benoit, snap suplex. Tag to the Show. Into the ropes, press...with ease...and toss. Tag to Benoit. Stomp. Into the ropes, buries the knee and Jericho flips. Right hand by Benoit. Into the ropes is reversed, Benoit somersaults under the attempt, catches the kick...and catches an enzuigiri in the mush. Both men down - Jericho crawling for the tag - and makes it! Block, right, right, right, into the ropes, Samoan drop. Right, into the ropes, Benoit holds on, gutshot, into the ropes, reversal, Rock with his belly-to-belly throw...hooks the leg, gets 2. Right by Rock, into the ropes is reversed - Show tries to get in a lick, but Rock blocks it and throws a right that takes HIM down...but he falls into a death suplex from Benoit. 1, 2, Jericho breaks it up! Jericho runs across the ring to forearm Show while he's out there. Show walks around ringside - Jericho stalking him...on the apron - flying shoulderblock! Jericho runs at him again...and ends up in the big choke. NO NOT ON THE FLOOR - ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM!!! I think we just wrote one guy out of this match. Back to the ring, where Benoit hits the backbreaker across the knee. 1, 2, no. 1-800-COL-LECT Double Feature brings the chokeslam on the floor. Scoop...and a slam by Benoit. Lightning elbowdrop. Head to the buckle. Two REFS are out to check on Jericho on the floor. Benoit brings Rock to his corner, tags, and holds him for a big right hand from the Show. Choke on the ropes for 4. Jericho is being led up the aisle and backstage by the referees. Rock blocks the right, right, right, right, into the ropes, but Show stops him in his tracks and pulls him into the short clothesline. Tag to Benoit. Stomp to the back of the head. 1-800-COL-LECT Double Feature of the clothesline. Benoit puts Rock in the corner, stomp, right, right, snap suplex, 1, 2, shoulder up. Kick, kick, kick, kick, right, chop, "Rock E" chant, but Benoit sets him up for ANOTHER chop. Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick. Benoit scares off referee "Blind" Tim White - that might be a mistake as Rock gets a moment to recover...and back he comes - right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT - no, Benoit ducks - GERMAN SUPLEX! Holding on for two - HOLDING ON FOR THREE! 1, 2, Rock gets the shoulder up. Benoit with another lightning elbowdrop. Scoop...and a slam. "That's it!" Benoit climbs to the top - and the swandive headbutt HITS! Unfortunately, Benoit has knocked himself loopy in the process. Show exhorts him to make the cover and "punish that son of a bitch - punish his ass" - Benoit slowly over - 1, 2, NO!! 1-800-COL-LECT getting their money's worth on Double Features in this match as the headbutt is deemed worthy. Show gets the tag. SIDEwalk SLAM. Leg is hooked - maybe a little lax - 1, 2, no! Show with an open-handed slap, into the ropes, Rock ducks, right, right, right, off the ropes...caught in the choke! But Rock takes advantage of Show's posing - right, right, right, off the ropes, clothesline - still on his feet - clothesline - STILL on his feet - Rock ducks a clothesline off the ropes - flying clothesline TAKES HIM DOWN! Both men are down - Show looking for the tag...but he's in the wrong corner. Show trying to shake it off -
over to make the
tag. Rock blocks, right, right, right, into the ropes, no, Benoit holds on
and stops it - Rock ducks a clothesline, gutshot, DDT! Right for the Show,
right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT! and Show hits the floor. Rock turns
back into a Benoit chop, though - gutshot, forearm, forearm, into the
ropes, reversed, spinebuster by the Rock - leg is hooked - 1, 2, Show pulls
him outside. Yet another "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine" from the Rock
- got the ring bell - and he just RANG *HIS* BELL - Rock back in...and
RIGHT into the Crippler crossface!! He looks close to the ropes but not
reaching...no, wait, there's the rope grab. Benoit breaks the hold at 3
and has some words with White. Kick, kick, kick, off the ropes, but Rock
sidesteps it and puts Benoit out on the floor over the top rope! Holy cow,
Jericho is limping back! Forearm to the back of Benoit's head, hard into
the STEEL steps...and rolled back into the ring. Jericho slumps to the mat
- Rock with a right, right, into the ropes is reversed, but the head is
down, kick by the Rock, slips under a Benoit clothesline - ROCK BOTTOM! 1,
2, 3!!! (10:43) Hey
look we DID end up after the top of the hour. Rock
couldn't go over two top heels by himself, by the way - he needed the ring
bell for Show, and Jericho for Benoit. That's my way of saying I got NO
problem with this. Wait, it isn't even over! The Big Show is back up as
Rock poses in the corner - his back is to him and he ain't watching the
EntertainmentTron - ahhhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM ON THE ROCK!!!!! White
protests - Show makes a menacing face and White leaves the ring. Jericho
back in, forearm, right, right, mauling him down to the canvas - and
ahhhhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM. And now *Benoit* is asking Show where he was
while he was getting pinned. That ain't too bright, but he *is* Canadian
after all - ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM. Play his music and WELCOME HIM BACK!!
(Don't worry, I'll be back to making fun of his matches in a week or so.)
WWF Home Video hype for "Chris Jericho: Break Down the Walls"
Two questions: 1) WHO thought it was a good idea to use Rufus for a TAX SERVICE and 2) WHO thought it was a good idea to play that ad a MILLION times an hour, completely saturating to the point of annoyance?
Moments Ago, three paragraphs ago - Ross is quick to point out that Rock only got the pin with assistance from his tag team partner. Man, but Show's got some strength. If only *Shane* were here to keep Show and Benoit friends!
Kurt Angle looks to be preparing himself...Trish hits the locker room to talk strategy for their matches - Kurt interrupts her to tell her that Vince is still taking it under advisement, "Cripes on Friday." Trish says not to worry, she'll handle it. "I'll give Mr. McMahon all the 'advisement' he needs."
Our hosts react in the usual fashion. Talk quickly turns to Chyna's injury of last night.
Let Us Take You Back to Last Night (Courtesy: the Encore) and show you "highlights" of Chyna's match - and the aftermath.
WWF WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP: IVORY (with Steven Richards & a copy of Chyna's book) v. MOLLY HOLLY (with Crash - and Crash's music) - "Last night, a victory was won for the women of the world! And after I beat that vixen Chyna and put her in her place...I decided to read her book, If They Only Knew. After I read through this book, page after disgusting page, I think she left something out. Yeah, it's true - her depraved, lewd lifestyle led her to success and fame, but thanks to the Right to Censor it also led to her inevitable demise. And I'll tell you people out there what's missing from this book...the part about ME, the part about me, the 10th Wonder of the World, who put an end to the 9th Wonder of the World. And it was for her own good!" Here's the challenger. "Don't you EVER get tired of hearing yourself talk? I mean, YAP yap yap yap yap, Right to Censor, Right to Censor, Right to Censor! Well tonight I'm gonna do everyone here a favour and shut your weaselly little mouth!" Ivory tries to whack her with the book, but Holly's been studying her WOW and hits the drop toehold. Snap arm wringer, another, short clothesline, ramming her head into the mat, bosom chop, ducks a clothesline, ANOTHER chop, chop, into the ropes, Ivory reverses, hairpull takedown. Into the ropes, back elbow by the champ. Legdrop! Leg is hooked - 1, 2, no. Head to the buckle by Ivory, into the opposite corner, Holly springs off the second rope up and over, down on her back, headscissors takeover! Into the ropes, big back body drop by Holly. Northern Lights suplex! But referee "Blind" Chad Patton is distracted by Richards on the apron - Crash over to pull HIM down, right, head to the apron, punching away - back in the ring, another bodyslam by Molly - going up top...but Richards crotches her.
tumbles back into the ring - where Ivory is waiting with a cover - and
catches the fall. (1:49) Hmm,
longer than the Euro title match. Somehow
the commentators work a "Tough Enough" plug in here.
Here are some lame tapes by some lame people who actually think they'll become WWF superstars. DAMN IT PEOPLE GET SOME DAMN SHAME - I like that guy who doesn't realise he's quoting "Green Eggs & Ham." Hey, notice that there are no WOMEN in these clips?
More "Tough Enough" blather
AHHHHHHH RIKISHI'S ASS MAKE IT STOP
Meanwhile, Kane is WALKING! Geez, there's some bad lighting back here
Triple H shills Weider Dynamic Wallet Emptier
That silly Triple H - he's STILL waiting out in the cold for Austin!
Meanwhile, Trish Stratus fluffs up her cleavage...and knocks on the door labelled "Mr. McMahon"
RIKASHMONEY v. NO LONGER A BIG SHOW REPLACEMENT KANE - 'kishi decides to meet him out on the floor and it's OWN. Right hands back and forth, now it's just Kane with the rights, head to the barricade, right, right, right, knee, head to the barricade, going for the steps but Rikishi hits a forearm. Kane gets shoved into the STEEL steps, sending them flying. Back in the ring - Kane still on his feet - RIKISHIKICK! Drumstick drop! Kane into the corner - 'kishi warming it up - FAT ASS SPLASH. Kane flumps down - are you kidding me? 'kishi wedgies himself but Kane is pulling himself back up a la DDP - Rikishi runs at him but eats the big boot instead. Running clothesline by Big Red. Going up top...flying clothesline finds the mark. Standing ready for the choke, if only he'll get up...in the choke...chokeslam!! WCW HARDCORE CHAMPION THEMONSTERHAKU is running down but it looks like he's gonna blow it - 1, 2, Rikishi is forced to kick out of Kane's finisher because Haku can't hit the ring in time to pull him away. That's not the way to make a good impression on your second night back, buddy. Anyway, Haku gets to pounding on Kane and referee "Blind" Teddy Long is forced to call for the bell (DQ 2:08) Punches and chops - Kane punching back - got him in the choke - Haku breaks the choke and unleashes a headbutt! RIKISHIKICK! KICK OF FEAR! And now Haku is chopping right for the throat - and there's a choke! Stomping on Kane - Rikishi standing over him - SQUAAAASH. Calling for the headbutt - sure enough, Haku off the ropes with the dropped headbutt. Here comes THE GHOST RIDER to save his half-brother...with the Big Show back, they can be friends again, you see - Soupbone for Rikishi, soupbone for Haku, Rikishi, Haku, Rikishi, Haku, Rikishi, Haku, Rikishi, Haku to the eyes, and now the doubleteam kicks in - now Kane rejoins the fray and it's a veritable Pier Four brawl here. Both men work on Haku - double clothesline takes him out. Soupbone for Rikishi, right, soupbone, triple spin clothesline by the Taker...they wait for him to get back up...DOUBLE CHOKESLAM!! Kane sets the turnbuckles on fire...and "Rollin'" plays.
The Dudley Boyz are WALKING! Tag team titles on the line NEXT!
Moments Ago, the Islanders 2001 laid a beatdown on Kane....until
Undertaker evened the sides.
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands with Rikishi in the oildrum set, who challenges Undertaker to a No Holds Barred match for SmackDown!
Meanwhile, Trish Stratus must have mic'd herself up, because we hear her voice from behind the closed door of Mr. McMahon... "(laughs) Oh, that feels nice - that feels VERY nice..."
Lawler asks "what do you expect, to have a camera in Mr. McMahon's dressing room?" Umm, they seem to EVERY OTHER SHOW, King. "This is not Reality TV meets the WWF, you know!" WHATEVER. Talk shifts to Drew Carey (who happens to have a pay-per-view Saturday) and his participation in last night's Royal Rumble...
And here's a Special Video Look at Drew Carey at the Rumble. Well, he can always become WCW World Heavyweight Champion.
WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: LO DOWN (with Tiger Ali Singh) v. THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ - we are told that Mr. McMahon granted Lo Down this title shot in compensation for removing their Rumble slot in favour of Carey. D'Lo Brown has found a pair of Iron Shiek's old pointy boots! Singh takes third headset as we get underway - Brown from behind on Buh Buh Ray in mid-pose, stomping, kicking, big right hand, elbow to the back of the head, head to the buckle, Chaz punches away on the head while referee "Blind" Tim White occupies himself holding back D-Von. Illegal switch - Brown holding Buh Buh Ray in the corner for a dropkick to the head by Chaz. Call me crazy, but I *think* they're working on the concussion. Tag to Brown. "All these racist and prejudicial people around me - I'm not safe anywhere in the United States." By the way, if you didn't know Singh was Canadian by now, his accent is unmistakable. Into the ropes, reversed, Brown tries a clothesline, but Dudley ducks it and hits the Buh Buh Bomb (full nelson atomic drop) Both men tag - clothesline by Dudley, clothesline, flying clothesline, one for Brown, powerslam for Chaz - Brown breaks it up at 2. Buh Buh Ray back in, tossing Brown outside. Chaz runs into D-Von's boot - I think Buh Buh Ray slammed him but we're busy watching Singh present Lawler with a genuine ceremonial Maharaji turban. "Wassup." Testify dance, D-Von...my head hurts. Apparently, Lawler is wearing the turban now, but we don't see it. Ross: "That's very nice - can I get a ride to the airport?" Ross is a RACIST! Table in the ring - White has somehow missed it while tending to Chaz. Brown has a tag team belt, Buh Buh Ray ducks the swing - gutshot, belt shot in full view of White...who rings the bell. (DQ 2:41) Singh seems to think they're the new champions - he's apparently unaware that the titles can't change hands on a disqualification. Singh grabs the belts and poses...D-Von pulls him into the ring - and there's a Dudley Death Drop through the table. Singh twitches OLD SCHOOL STYLE. We never DID see Lawler in the turban...
Trish leaves Mr. Mcmahon's office... "Oh, Trish...you forgot your hat." Commentators say she's sweating...I'll have to take their word for it.
AIE! There's the creepy woman ordering the Sunday New York Times! I thought I left her in New York but somehow she's followed me over HERE!
Michael King Cole - WOW! - stands in front of an exciting door! He tells us Mr. McMahon will soon let us know toinght's main event.
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: RAVEN (with shopping cart full of interesting people & Let Us Take You Back One Month) v. AL SNOW - in case you've forgotten, this clip tells you that it was a cinder block that put Snow out of action. Snow decides to forego his entrance in favour of a sneak attack from behind - into the barricade. He borrows a garbage can but Raven kicks it into his head. Quickly we go alongside the stage - and UNDER it, to the pyro area! Snow pops him with a pyro setup - the camera is shoved back out from behind the curtain - and we see some pyro go off underneath the stage. Quickly, we're back under the stage to see all three men down - I think Raven had an eardrum problem. Snow manages a cover...but referee "Blind" Jim Korderas is still down. Raven takes a fire extinguisher from the pyro guy and unleashes halon fury on Snow.
Moving behind the stage...and
now backstage - through some doors, Snow with an ironing board. Into the
paper that serves as photography background. Into a catering table -
waning: coffee may be hot. Out into the dining area. Snow with a plant.
Not a person, a real plant! Pitcher to the head - into another table of
food. "Got milk?" Raven run along yet another table of food. Raven
manages an elbow - baking sheet to the head. Snow throwing random
foodstuffs at him. And now we're outside - Whip into some noisy metal
things is reversed and Raven hits hard. Snow has...an oar? Get up! First
shot misses - second doesn't. "You think you're hardcore, huh? You tried
to put me out! You're not hardcore, you're a worthless piece of garbage.
WHACK! 1, 2, shoulder up? I guess. Snow covers again - 1, 2, 3. Don't
know what THAT was about, but Snow finally got it done. Ladies and
gentlemen, we have a new hardcore champion. (3:35) But a
BLACK emerges from a car, breaks a 2x4 over Snow's
back and puts Raven on
top...1, 2, 3. Ladies and gentlemen, we have the same hardcore champion.
helps Raven get to the car ("Where's my belt?" Err, you're
wearing it) and they drive off. Who was it? WHO? Apparently, someone
we'd recognise if she didn't have her face covered...someone we've seen
before? (You still think it's Chastity, don't you.) No, no...that'd still
be pretty cool, though, wouldn't it?
Cole still awaits Mr. McMahon...has he made the decision? "Indeed I - indeed I have, seem to have lost a button on my cuff...but nonetheless, yes. In the interest of fairness, the combination of my daughter and son-in-law, Stephanie & Triple H will meet the combination of Kurt Angle, the WWF Champion, and his partner, Trish." Hey, did anybody NOT see this coming?
Edge & Christian shill Stacker 2. (2)
Please - no more Rufus - please - GO AWAY
XFL cheerleader ad
Triple H is STILL waiting...doesn't he know he has a match coming up? Ahh, here's Stephanie to break the news to him. H reacts to news of the mixed tag by unleashing the power of the sledgehammer on a garage door.
Here's a look at Times Square...and WWF New York.
Inside, K-Kwik and Too Cool...get rowdy. Boy THAT'D be worth paying to get in, wouldn't it?
KING KURT ANGLE & TRISH STRATUS v. AD BREAK - you were WONDERING when they'd sneak in the ads to make up for having a fifteen minute segment an hour ago, weren't you? Weren't you? No? Oh.
Triple H shills Weider Dynamic Gullibilty Checker (2)
KING KURT ANGLE & TRISH STRATUS v. THE NEW MAN & STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT in lukewarm intergender action - so is Stone Cold gonna show tonight or not? I mean, two hours late - why bother? Ross: "Think she was wearing those kneepads in her meeting with Mr. McMahon?" Angle and Stratus continue to consult on the outside, so H decides a dropkick through the ropes is in order - Angle flies to the barricade. H out, head to the apron, head to the commentary table, right, right, right, right, right, head to the table, and once again. Rolled back in under the bottom rope...H follows. Angle with a right, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Angle ducks, but eats the knee. H goes outside, grabs the leg, and wraps it around the ringpost. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner encouraging legal actions, so H wraps it around the post again. Kneebreaker across the knee. I know Ross really wants "Cerebral Assassin" to get over, but didn't he try to describe Steve Blackman the exact same way? H hyperextends the knee...then makes a move towards Stratus. Head to the buckle. Kick, kick, pointing to Hebner...
turning back to a right from Angle, right, right, H goes
back to the knee...then runs into the big boot. Angle with a swinging
neckbreaker...and a big right. Angle's not getting the de facto face pop,
hmm. Tag to Trish? Trish climbing to the top...but H catches her! But
Angle DROPKICKS Trish's back to complete it! Making motions at
Stephanie...and drawing her in - Angle stops her, grabbing her by the hair
and taking her down to the mat! Suddenly, Angle realises what he's
done...and starts checking on her. Stephanie shows her gratitude for his
concern by slapping him. Right by H, slap by Stephanie, KO right by H. H
mounts Angle and pops him seven times. Right hand, into the ropes,
reversed, head down, facebuster by Triple H. Off the ropes...but Angle
catches him in a belly-to-belly suplex! Tag to Stratus - holding him for
another open shot, but before Stratus can scale the corner, H's trick knee
acts up, breaking the hold - Stephanie is over to beal her back in!
"Writhe in pain - that's what you deserve!" Yikes. The men are outside,
meanwhile...H putting Angle into the STEEL steps. Back inside, Stratus
spins Steph around and slaps her one - Steph slaps back! Trish with a
spear! Catfight, catfight - Stratus getting the better - but Steph gets
them back to their feet - head to the buckle, crappy kick, crappy kick,
crappy kick, short clothesline - we check for the men...they're alongside
the ramp along with Hebner. Back to Stephanie, two handfuls of hair...no,
Stratus shoves her into the turnbuckle. BULLDOG! Trish hooks a leg...but
Triple H is back in - will he give her a - YES! PEDIGREE! Angle gets a
shot on the apron - Stephanie covering - 1, 2,
3! (5:38) Angle pulls
Stratus to safety (a little too late) as husband and wife celebrate. H
isn't done yet, though - he wants Angle. Angle leaves Stratus to crumple
in a heap on the floor...and climbs to the apron...only, before he gets in
the ring, STONE COLD STEVE
AUSTIN has come up through the crowd and has H
from behind - right, right, right, right, right, right, KICK WHAM STUNNER!
Play HIS music! Have a beer - have two! Hey, how 'bout two more? Credits
are up, WWF logo is up, and we are out.