WWF RAW is WAR
One thing I *have* managed to do while shut in with all these fun diseases
was polish off Gary Michael Capetta's book Bodyslams. If you're
interested at ALL in this crazy business, you've got to drop the
twenty-five bones and pick it up. Definitely a must read...it will
probably change some of your opinions about certain people...and confirm
some of your other opinions. www.bodyslams.com is the site.
QUICK QUOTES: WWF 20.07 (+ 1.0075 ... last year: 15 7/16) - welcome decimals! SPLN 8 3/4 (- 1/8 ... last year: 35 5/16) - boy, hosting SuperBowl.com really helped them out, didn't it? Not at all? Oh.
TONIGHT: The Rock, Chris Jericho, Chris Benoit and the Big Show (what is this, last week's show?) meet in a Fatal 4-Way to decide the #1 Contender! (Oh.) Also, Vince McMahon oversees the big Triple H/Steve Austin contract signing! Stick around - it's NEXT!
One World Leader Attitude - TV-14-DLV - WWF!
WHOOOOOA PYRO - coming to you LIVE from the sold out Mellon Arena in Pittsburgh, PA (and WWF New York) 29.1.1 on the National Network and also the Sports Network, *this* is WWF RAW IS WAR!
TONIGHT: See above!
TONIGHT: Triple H and Stone Cold Steve Austin will mess up a table! Also, Undertaker challenges Haku!
Outside the arena, Stone Cold Steve Austin has arrived - and he's WALKING! ...stopping only briefly to look at the black limousine parked nearby.
Hometown boy KING KURT ANGLE leads off the talkin' part of our show. If there's no pyro, it must not be his only entrance of the night....ahhh. "Olimpic" is a spelling error. "It's always great for me to come home to my hometown of Pittsburgh! Because here I am many things - Olympic champion, WWF Champion, role model, hero, not to mention I've made local medical journals by setting a record by becoming *the* most requested sperm donor in all of Pittsburgh. More women want me to donate my Olympic Seed to the local clinic than any other person - it's true, it's damn true. But I'm not here to talk about those things. I'm here to talk about something much bigger. Being a saviour! Not that winning WWF and Olympic gold was good enough for you people, but I've achieved something that many consider to be the impossible. I'd like for you and I to go back almost a year ago, RAW is WAR, would you please show the footage." Let Us Take You Back where Angle named himself the Hometown Hero...then mentions that if Mario Lemieux had a little more courage, he'd still be playing hokcey, and save the Penguins. "I have two words to say to you, Pittsburgh...you're welcome. Because I know for a fact that it was me who lit the fire under Super Mario and prompted his return. And like all great Pittsburgh comebacks, it will eventually fail and ultimately be pointless, but I can't control everything. It's true. And tonight I will NOT be defending my title...instead, I will defend it this Thursday on SmackDown! against the winner of a Fatal 4-Way match tonight between Chris Benoit, Chris Jericho, the Big Show, and - well, it really doesn't matter who the participants are...what matters is, although I won't be defending my title tonight, the important thing is that I give back to the community. ["Rocky!"] And it reminds me of a little story Jim Leyland once told me before he did the right thing and got the heck out of this town so he could win a World Series, he said that Kurt Angle--" IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLL DOT COM interrupts here. "Kurt Angle...you're gonna have to forgive the Rock for interrupting your homecoming. But the Rock couldn't help but listen to what you were saying, so quite frankly the Rock came out here...to correct you. #1, to actually say that you actually had something to do with Mario Lemieux's return - to actually say that you had something to do with Mario Lemieux's success here in Pittsburgh - let's see, how can the Rock put this lightly...actually, frankly speaking, it's the biggest bucket of penguin (beep) the Rock has ever seen! And secondly, you come out here and you call yourself 'role model, hero, and champion.' While those might be true, you are forgetting to call yourself one little thing. And that's the biggest roody-poo bug-eyed milk-drinking suck-ass kiss-ass 100% Grade A candyass the Rock has ever seen!" "Rocky!" "Kurt Angle...you show your footage of things you've said in the past, so the Rock went out and found some footage of his own. Kurt Angle, we all know that you don't like pie. But do you like...pizza?" "Rock, don't even think about it - don't you even try--" "Shut your mouth and roll the footage!" Angle's old "Pizza Outlet" TV commercial airs, and the fresh pepper defeats the tomato. "Kurt, what in the blue hell was that? But before you answer that, Kurt Angle earlier tonight you said it doesn't matter who the four participants are in tonight's Fatal 4-Way matchup. Did you say that?" "I certainly did." "It doesn't matter who you say doesn't matter! You see, Kurt Angle, it *does* matter - it really matters because one of the participants tonight, Kurt Angle, the *winning* participant...is the Rock, and once tonight - and once tonight, the Rock wins that Fatal 4-Way matchup, then you're gonna go one on one with the Great One and the Rock is gonna whip that ass on SmackDown! And once the Rock is done whippin' that ass you can come back to Pittsburgh as an ex-champion, come back to Pittsburgh as an ex-hero with your big fat mouth and all your glory and one big pizza and *smak* Mama Mia, stick it straight up your candyass! If ya smellllllllllllllllll---" and WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW punks him out in mid-catchphrase! Woo hoo! Into the scaffolding - and one more time. Well it's a big short clothesline! He looks to Angle - "YOU!" He makes the "I want da belt" hand motion. "MINE." Play his music! Angle smiles at the Rock's distress. The Dudleyz defend the tag titles NEXT!
XFL spot - coming in 5 days
Moments Ago - two paragraphs ago
WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ v. EDGE & CHRISTIAN - Champs enter first because the challengers are in street clothes? "Dudley Boyz! Just so you know, it's written in our contract that as former tag team champions, we so get a rematch whenever we want! And believe me, there is nothing we'd like more than to come down there and beat a couple of prime-cut dorkjobs like yourselves." "Unfortunatley, I am unable to compete tonight due to the food poisoning I got in Mobil, Alabama last week...as detailed in this totally official document signed by a real professional doctor! So allow me to introduce your NEW tag team title challengers..."
WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ v. KAI EN TAI - "Thank you, our blonde brothers, for this tremendous opportunity! And by the power of Greyskull we shall capitalise because WE ARE EVIL! HA HA HA!" "InDEED." They hit the ring...and quickly taste the power. Big press...and slam by Buh Buh Ray on Taka - Funaki pressed and thrown into Snake Eyes. Edge & Christian grab headsets. He goes out, leaving Buh Buh Ray with Michinoku - into the ropes, back body drop. "We want table!" Into the ropes, clothesline. Funaki gets the tag...and nervously looks around. "Banzai!" Running into a right hand from Buh Buh Ray. Held for the open shot off the tag. D-Von with a second right. Into the ropes, big powerslam. Taka breaks up the pin. "When was the last time you saw Japanese tag champions? They're due!" Another bodyslam for Funaki - off the ropes with the legdrop - leg is hooked, 2. Funaki reverses a whip (there was a tag somehwere) and drops down - D-Von hops over him and eats a superkick. Camel clutch by Funaki, bow, dropkick to the face by Michinoku. Slap to the face by taka, another, off the ropes, D-Von hooks the arm after ducking the shot, Slop Drop position - no, picks him up and slams him on his back in that same position. Both men tag - one is HOT. Clothesline for Funaki, another, Taka brought in the hard way and whipped into Funaki. Buh Buh Ray bows...and avalanches the pile. Scoop slam for Funaki - "wassup." Into the ropes, two heads down, that can't be good - Michinoku kicks D-Von and hops on Buh Buh Ray's shoulders...but the Dudleyz turn it around into a double neckbreaker off his shoulders - wow. Time for the run-in? Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda locks his eyes on Christian on the apron - Funaki grabs Buh Buh Ray's ankle and pulls him out, while Edge spears D-Von. Edge & Christian run up the ramp as Funaki covers D-Von - 1, 2, NO!!!!!!! Damn. Right by Funaki, into the ropes, reversed, 3D! Dudley Death Drop! 1, 2, 3. (3:46) Various threatening glances are made between the team with the belts...and the team up on the stage.
JONATHAN COACHMAN stands with Vince McMahon - what's the status of the Fatal 4-Way tonight? Vince says if Rock can't compete, it'll be a Triple Threat, but one way or another, Kurt Angle *will* have an opponent for SmackDown! Xtreme this Thursday. Triple H, Stephanie and a lawyer barge in at this point. "I don't shake hands with attorneys. What are you doing bringing an attorney in here?" Stephanie says they trust him...but they don't trust Austin. McMahon asks him to cool his jets. "I want Austin now!" "Yeah, okay, and that's exactly what happened last Thursday on SmackDown! when I got clocked in the head because of you - dammit, cool your jets until we get this thing signed!" H says it was Austin's fault, and Vince says it doesn't matter - just hit the dressing room and cool out.
Chyna shills Stacker 2. How scary!
During the Break, Rock was attended to. "It's fine - I said, it's fine!" Angrily, he storms off - probably because he slipped and actually said "I" instead of "The Rock."
MICHAEL KING COLE stands with Billy Gunn - how's Chyna doing? He says under the circumstances, she's all right. He's just trying to be supportive - and be the best gay friend he can be. She's going to go out for appearances for her book and fitness video and try to get her mind off this. "Chyna might not ever compete in the ring again - the Right to Censor might have taken that away from her - but Chyna is a beautiful, strong woman. She is a star. And no one will ever stop the 9th Wonder of the World from shining." As if on cue, the klaxons blare...
BALD VENIS (with Steven Richards & Ivory & Let Us Take You Back
Heat) v. MR. PARTY TIME - Richards is still
feeling the effects of taking
the pain from Blackman. Golly, I hope there isn't a wigglin' dildo in that
black bag Blackman's carrying to the ring! Is Annville close to
Pittsburgh? Venis tries to surprise Blackman with an elbowdrop, but he
misses. Right by Blackman, right, right, into the ropes, knocked down.
Right, right, into the ropes, leg trip, Blackman does a James Brown splits
and uppercuts him - must think he's the Cat or something...into the corner,
and Venis lands hard. Superkick! Blackman does a little RVD for us,
bringing Richards onto the apron - HE gets a free right hand. Ducking
Venis' clothesline, gutshot by Blackman, into the ropes, Venis ducks,
Blackman jumps....into a death suplex by Venis. Stomp, stomp, stomp, head
to the buckle, right, right, right, kick, kick, stomp, standing on the neck
- Ivory adding some verbal insult. Venis tosses him out to Richards, then
draws over referee "Blind" Jim Korderas so Richards can drive him into the
barricade. Venis out with an overhand right to Blackman from the apron.
Whip into the STEEL steps by Venis. Rolled in under the bottom rope,
suplex coming up - 1, 2, Blackman kicks out. Venis to the headlock. Ivory
to the "unacceptible" chatter. Blackman finally elbowing out...backhand
chop, off the ropes but into a strike from Venis...leg is hooked - 2. Into
the ropes is reversed, gutshot by Blackman, suplex. Both men are down -
Richards gets rhythmic and nobody picks it up. Crowd isn't chanting
"boring" but they're still pretty dead. Block, right, right, Blackman
ctching fire - backhand off the ropes, another backhand chop,
belly-to-belly, 1, 2, Venis gets a shoulder up. Venis to the eyes. Off
the ropes...Blackman manages a powerslam...for 2. Right by Blackman, into
the corner is reversed, elbow up by Blackman, but Richards has a hold of
the ankle, keeping him in the corner - Venis with a schoolboy - 1, 2, 3!
The RtC *always* win! (4:22) Blackman immediately
pops up and runs down
Venis with a clothesline - then pulls in Richards. Into the ropes, knee,
right, right, right, and turning to Ivory....but WALL BUCHANAN & GOODFATHER
are out to take down Blackman. Save is made by...KOOL MOE DEE? Sure
enough, that *is* Hardcore Holly - after peppering Goodfather & Buchanan
with rights, he unloads the fire extinguisher on all five members of the
Right to Censor. Going outside, he digs a kendo stick out of the weapons
bag for himself and tosses a pair of 'chuks to Blackman. Holly whacks and
Blackman swings, until they're left alone in the ring...an uneasy staredown
ensues. Blackman registers confusion as Holly's music plays. Looks like
Holly's gonna let him leave the ring.
"Tough Enough" videos. Well, at least they found some women to show this week. Website plugs follow.
Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER.
"If They Only Knew" ad - available now!
And now, the WWF Burn of the Week! From RAW last week, Triple H burns Trish Stratus with a Pedigree.
Vince is on the phone. "Everybody - no, everyone really misses you and everyone is looking forward to you returning, I mean we've all missed you terribly, and I think that once you've convalesced enough, everything's gonna be fine, I mean I do think that massages are certainly the order of the day, and Nature's tranquilizer if you know what I mean, uh, certainly I...hang on one second, come in!" It's William Regal. He's noticed him a little stressed and weary lately, and he brought in a cup of tea - he imports it from India himself. Vince thanks him and Regal leaves. Vince promises tonight's contract signing will be a big moment...
We examine the table and chairs (and carpeting?) in the ring.
Our hosts remark on the signing to come - Lawler has a bad feeling about it...
Here's a Special Video Look on how we got from Austin's denied title shot on RAW through Helmsley's denied title shot at the Rumble, to Helmsley's interference in the Rumble through Austin's Rumble victory...
setup for this match - and it's signing - and highlights from Austin's
attack on SmackDown!
Triple H tells his lawyer if he screws this up, he'll beat his ass. "And how am I supposed to trust your father? Are you sure on this?" "Hunter, calm down!" "I can't calm down!" Must be the Weider Dynamic Muscle Builder.
Meanwhile, Cole asks a pacing Austin if he's reviewed the contract...and will he sign it? "Of course, I'll sign the son of a (beep), what do you think I come here for? As a matter of fact, I'll be the first one to sign the contract, and I'll tell you what: when Triple H signs it, it means he signs his ass to Stone Cold Steve Austin."
Meanwhile, Vince McMahon holds the contract...and he's WALKING!
Triple H shills Weider Dynamic Acne Builder.
AIE RUFUS RUFUS AGAIN
You know what - that first season of "Miami Vice" *does* rule...even if it IS on TNN
SmackDown! Xtreme spot
What a lovely view of the Pittsburgh skyline...as well as the festive exterior of the Mellon Arena
BILLIONAIRE VINCE heads to ringside to oversee the contract. Commentators drop the XFL debut a few times while vamping to fill time. Talkin' time! "There's no question that tonight is a night of great historical significance. Because right here In This Ring momentarily, we shall sign a contract that will bind both principals - Triple H and Stone Cold Steve Austin - to a matchup to take place on February 25 in Las Vegas, Nevada. The type of match is yet to be determined; however, there is no question that there is a - a history between these two combatants - indeed, a rather violent history. There's no doubt that there have been acts of aggression an attempt to commit mayhem on each other for some time. So based on that, and in the interest of fairness, both individuals have agreed to a special stipulation in this contract. That contract, and that stipulation merely states both individuals have agreed that there can be no physical act of aggression whatsoever of any kind, until the match on February 25 - unless - unless it is so sanctioned in a matchup by the World Wrestling Federation. Now, the penalty - the penalty for an act of aggression, regardless of who starts it, is severe - severe for both individuals. For Triple H, the penalty of being involved in an act of aggression against Stone Cold in any way is an automatic six months' suspension. The penalty for Stone Cold Steve Austin is simply that Austin will lose his opportunity to be World Wrestling Federation champion at WrestleMania. So without further ado, I give you the principals, firstly TRIPLE H." Time to play the game...accompanied by STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT & attorney BRIAN GOERTZ (and the RAW Credits & TV-14-DLV ratings box), it's time for another long, long entrance. Gotta make this bridge the hours, ya see, and it's only 54 after! Will Triple H actually sit? "And now, ladies and gentlemen, STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN!" Austin decides to stand on his chair...then on the table - giving Triple H the salute. Austin *does* take his seat...and casts a glare Triple H's way. H removes his double jacket...and hangs it on the chair. He does take his seat - as does Vince. "Slut!" "All right, gentlemen...both of you have read the contract - WHAT?" Austin signals for two beers and pops one open. "Let's keep this civil. Both of you have read the contract - your attorneys have looked over it, yours is even in attendance. Let's just sign this contract. Stone Cold, you're first - if you would sign on the very last page." Austin takes pen in hand...and signs. Vince hands it over Helmsley. "And Triple H?" H passes it to his attorney, to his wife. The attorney removes some glasses from his Haliburton and puts them on. "The numbers and the facts are not gonna change - you've read that over and over and over." Ross: "Probably get paid by the hour." H and Austin continue their staredown while the attorney whispers in H's ear. H rises to his feet - and starts talking with his attorney. Austin leaves his seat and walks over. He wants him to just sign it already - H says he's trying to make sure he's not screwing him. Then he goes ahead and signs it. Not taking his eyes off Austin, he passes the clipboard back to Vince. "It's official, ladies and gentlemen, we have our match - February 25 -
Triple H versus Stone Cold
Steve--" Austin had started to walk away and H leveled him with the
briefcase! Repeated elbows to the back, kicks, stomping away. What's
going on here - is he suspended for six months...or was there something in
the contract? YES! The table is upended! H continues kicking and
stomping on Austin - and culminating with the PEDIGREE! Vince: "Now, you
know what? You've just been suspended for six months, PAL!" Ross: "Ya
dumbass!" "No, Vince, I've not been suspended from anything, because I
never signed. We look at the contract - there's only an "H" on the line.
Helmslely finishes signing his name to the paper. "There's your damn
signature. Austin 3:16, huh? Well paragaph 316 says pal, you can't touch
me." Was Vince smiling at Triple H's cleverness?
XFL spot #2
Moments Ago, H faked signing, punked out Austin, evaded suspension, and signed the line.
During the Break, Austin rolled around on the mat. Ross: "And when Austin came to, I want you to look deep in the eyes of that Texas Rattlesnake, you stare deeply into those eyes, ladies and gentlemen, when Austin came to. This was shot during our commercial break, and by God, this will haunt you, perhaps for the rest of your days. Austin finally made his way back up, and when he does, you look right in those eyes, King, and you'll know exactly what I'm tellin' you." What may haunt ROSS for the rest of his days is we never got whatever the shot was that he was going on and on about.
During the Break, Triple H and Stephanie took their leave - popping out of the sun roof to gloat.
Ross: "I'm sorry we didn't get that shot of Austin, but take my word for it - Austin is obsessed with this!"
ACOLYTES (with Jacqueline & Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) v. HARDY BOYZ (with Lita) v. WALL BUCHANAN & GOODFATHER for a shot at the titles on Thursday - Hardyz rush the ring and hey get it started early - even Lita and Jackie are going at it up on the ramp. FOUR REFS come out to separate *those* two, taking them backstage and out of the picture. Back in the ring, nothing much is happening, apparently - here comes our third team. The opening bell never rang but it's on. Doubleteam on Jeff Hardy, then on Bradshaw, tossing him out. Matt Hardy back in - into the ropes, reversed, Buchanan with a clothesline. Backbreaker across the knee, slam, cover, 2. Into the corner, Hardy gets the elbow up, gets the boots up, then comes out with a bulldogging clothesline. Jeff tagged in, right, jawbreaker, double leg, legdrop between the legs. 1, 2, boot to the head by Goodfather - Bradshaw in as well - now *they're* going at it...now all six men are in and it's all broken down once again. Four spill out, leaving the legal men - whip into the corner is reversed, Jeff stairsteps up and springs off with a corkscrew but lands flat on his back. Buchanan with the scissors kick - 1, 2, Bradshaw in just in time to save him. Into the corner, reversed, nobody home on the splash, Hades lariat HITS, but shockingly referee "Blind" Teddy Long refuses to count a pin for the illegal man. Hardy climbing up in the meantime - swantonbomb! 1, 2, 3! (2:40) The Hardyz quickly run off and celebrate at the top of the ramp. The Acolytes look unhappy. The Right to Censor can't believe they actually lost one.
WWF Shop Zone Dot Com ad
Moments Ago, there was a catfight. We learn now that a match
between Lita and Jacqueline has been signed for later tonight.
Our hosts hype the upcoming Fatal 4-Way as the graphics roll one more time
Michael King Cole stands with the Rock. "Shut your mouth, jabrone, the Rock is already in the match. Everybody saw what the Big Show did to the Rock earlier tonight. Big Show, you've been gone all this time to attack the Rock from behind? Well you did manage to attack the Rock from behind - you did manage to hurt the Rock, but the one thing you're failing to realise is this, Big Show, you also managed to piss the Rock off. So, Big Show keep this in mind, when you mess with the Rock, payback is guaranteed."
Show watches this on a monitor...and *laughs*!
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: CRASH (with Molly Holly - and RAW is WAR is brought to you by Weider, 1-800-CAL-LATT, and Squaresoft!) v. RAVEN - As soon as the champion's music starts, Crash leaves the ring and heads up the ramp...and takes a shot with a sign. Raven rams his shopping cart into Crash, who falls to the floor. Raven starts throwing objects from his cart onto Crash. Ross: "Not the tricycle!" The garbage can lands. Whip into the railing is reversed. Crash looks for something to use and settles on the classics - garbage can to the head - up the stairs and between two sections they go - Crash unable to use the can as much as he'd like with so many people around. Crash up on a balcony - double axehandle to the floor! WOW Catapult to a bad shot of Raven just hitting the sign with his hands - even Ross doesn't try to cover it up. Cover - 2. Behind the curtain they go - Crash choking him with it. Into a column. Crash has a plastic garbage can...but Raven manages a drop toehold. Raven climbs up onto a ramp, over the other side to the floor - Crash follows, and Raven tosses a mop and bucket at him. Mop swing misses - Crash sent into a heavy case. Going for a bulldog into the garage door, but Crash escapes and Raven's head hits it instead. Crash unplugs an information kiosk and start shoving it - it gets caught, though, so Crash has to leave it to forearm Raven again. NOW the cart is shoved into Raven. Crash going for the missile to the pinned Raven, but he escapes and Crash goes headfirst into the garage door. Outside we go and into the snow - Bulldog onto a metal park bench by Crash! Shoving him facefirst into the snow and grinding it in. Calling to Molly (oh, THERE she is!) - they each grab a leg - going to crotch him on a tree, but Raven kicks Molly away. Crash stomps repeatedly and makes the wish himself. I'm watching the cars back there. Oh, no, the car is right behind them, as the headlights and running motor indicate. 1, 2, the FIGURE IN BLACK has the pipe and clocks Crash to break it up. Molly is back over with a shove...but Raven has her ankle. Big kick by the woman in black. Raven covers - 1, 2, 3. (4:10) Raven gets in the back seat, and the woman in black drives off, snapping a chain across the road in the process - sure looked like Tori THAT time...
Haku is WALKING! Rikishi is close behind...
Meanwhile, the Fun Brothers are WALKING!
Meanwhile, Rufus is becoming my least favourite group
The Hardy Boyz get Xtreme eatin' that ravioli
TAZZZZZZZZZZZZ stands with Chris Benoit. "Are you gonna be proved wrong or what?" "I've got a giant, a big mouth, and a prima donna to deal with tonight, and I'm planning on tearing into each and every one of them...so, you know what Tazz? I think I just answered your question."
Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! and explain Kane's new "rib injury" by way of showing the Islanders repeatedly squashing him in the ribal area
ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' (with Kane & Weider Sports Nutrition presents No Way Out!) v. THEMONSTERHAKU (with Rikashmoney) - Haku already has a Titantron video...and the old Head Shrinkers music. Ring announer LILIAN GARCIA announces Haku as hailing from the Isle of Tonga and weighing 268, with which Ross immediately takes issue (the weight, not the location.). Anybody remember these guys going at it ten years ago? They trade rights and soupbones to start, knee by the Taker, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, into the ropes,
big boot, off the ropes, legdrop, 1, 2,
no. Scoop...and a slam. Off the ropes, elbowdrop by Taker gets another 2.
Old school! Did Taker get a little happy wetting himself down earlier
tonight? There's a giant wet spot down the back of his black jeans. The
tightrope clothesline lands - off the ropes with another clothesline, and
Haku's down. Taker lets himselff out of the ring and starts opening up on
Rikishi with soupbones. Haku back out with a double sledge. Gutshot,
HEADBUTT! Rolled back in the ring, knife-edge chop, chop, into the
opposite corner, but Taker gets the elbow up - pops him with a soupbone,
soupbone, into the ropes, head down, Haku mauls him down, dropped headbutt,
ANOTHER dropped headbutt, rapid-fire rights and lefts in the corner. Into
the other corner, doing a dance (or something), HEADBUTT! But only gets 2.
Forearm by Haku, right, Taker firest back with three soupbones, karate
thrust to the throat by Haku - into the ropes, Taker ducks, flying
clothesline LANDS, and both men are down. Taker back up - got Haku into
the ropes, reversal, head down, DDT by Taker - does that have an effect?
Well, sorta. But he's back up! Scoop...but Rikishi's on the apron, and
puts him down to walk his way. Kane's already over to meet the bad man -
block, right, right, right, right, right, and a big right to put Rikishi
down. Meanwhile, Haku has surprised Taker with a big boot and is reaching
through the ropes for Kane. Kane on the apron...but Rikshi has a chair and
puts the edge of the chair on the injured ribs. Back to the ring...Taker
ducks a right off the ropes - choke - CHOKESLAM! 1, 2,
3! (3:46) Kane
takes *another* chairshot to the ribs, and Rikishi brings the chair in -
big boot by the Taker, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, *Haku* uses
the chair on the Reaper. Chair given to Rikishi (Ross: "Now HAKU wants to
use it!" I guess they all look alike to Ross) - another WHACK! Taker
starts bleeding profusely. Haku's music plays for about five
seconds...until Taker starts cleaning house on both men. They both head
out by the time Kane joins him. Director desperately tries to get a good
job of Taker's bladejob...and doesn't meet with much success. Nice shot of
that wet spot on his ass, though...
Guess what? Lita is WALKING!
SmackDown! Xtreme ad #2 - I'm not sure I get all these ads...isn't SmackDown! getting better ratings as it is?
Moments Ago, Undertaker got the duke...and a few chairshots. There's the best shot they could muster of the blood.
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY catches up to the Fun Brothers - Undertaker has a fresh coat of blood on for the occasion. "Just shut up! There's too much talking goin' on - including myself. I've been going around talking about 'stay outta my yard, I'm gonna make you famous' - well talkin' ain't what I'm about - kickin' peoples' ass is what I'm all about! Now I got these island boys - they're gonna try to make a name for themselves at our expense - uh uh! It ain't gonna happen. So let me tell the Island Boys this, Haku, Rikishi - if the two of you got a set, Thursday in the ring...first blood. 'cause see this? This? This don't bother me - I like it - I like to bleed - it turns me on! You know what turns me on more? It's makin' other people bleed, and Thursday night - Rikishi, Haku, you're gonna bleed...and you're gonna bleed...and then you're gonna bleed some more...tell 'em, Kane!" "Thursday, Haku, Rikishi, it'll be YOUR turn to bleed!"
Our hosts puff up SmackDown! Xtreme - how much blood can they show on a TV-PG rated show?
Here's a look at WWF New York - and a test pattern
Inside and enjoying a shaken, not stirred martini is DEAN MALENKO - being apart from Lita is the hardest thing that's ever happened to him, and he knows it's been just as hard for Lita. He thanks her for all her flowers, cards and letters that she's sent. "Lita, I want you to know, we will be together - back together real soon. And when we do get back together, those Hardy Boyz will never be between us again." I forget, does this guy still have the Light Heavyweight title or what?
LITA DOT COM v. JACQUELINE DOT COM - IVORY has taken third headset - she'll take on the winner on Thursday. We get a reaction from Malenko to Lita's entrance. Lita stomps away as she slides in - into the ropes is reversed, Lita with a flying headscissors. Jackie with a kick, right, throwing her down, kick, referee "Blind" Chad Patton warning her. Choke on the second rope by Jackie. Another choke. Clothesline takes BOTH women over the top. Ivory plugs, I mean talks about Chyna's book. Both women finally slowly up - suddenly they BOTH go for Ivory! Lawler is quickly up to try to help separate them. Patton decides to throw the match out (No contest 1:15) and I think we just got a triple threat for Thursday. They play Lita's music -
well, why not play Lita's music, I suppose.
Chris Jericho is WALKING!
Meanwhile, Kurt Angle is WALKING! Kurt Angle? Yes, Kurt Angle.
Chyna shills Stacker 2 - again
Earlier Tonight, Triple H cleverly got in some last licks before signing the contract. I thought that "H" might constitute a legal mark, but that's why I'm not as clever as Triple H. Just LOOK at him holding Stone Cold Steve Austin down! HENIOUS, I TELL YA! I feel like I've seen all these clips before - twice. Why could that be? Ross says "Cerebral Assassin" twice. It almost makes you pine for "scintillating." Finally, the clip Ross says we'll never forget as long as we'll live. I've *already* forgotten it.
Our hosts yammer a bit more. Is there an ad break left?
Earlier Tonight, the Big Show put the Rock DOWN, then introduced him to the support structure of the EntertainmentTron. "YOU! MINE."
And now KING KURT ANGLE is out - I bet he gets his fireworks this time - hey, how 'bout that. What do you think costs more - Angle's salary on this night...or the pyro? We watch the Pizza Outlet commercial one more time as Angle takes third headset.
CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO v. AD BREAK - "Welcome to RAW is JERICHO! And you know, 18 months ago I said I was going to save the WWF, but you know what, it's not the WWF that needs saving, it's the WWF Championship. Because Kurt Angle, that title has been around your pizza-peddling ass for way too long! And when I saw your little commercial I realised two things - number one, you shouldn't be selling pizza, you should be selling Rogaine...and number two, your pizza did - your commercial DID make me hungry, but not for pizza - nuh uh - it made me hungry for that championship, and until I get it, I will never EVER be able to get that out of my mind agayne."
Here's an introduction to AS SEEN ON CO-ED TRAINING CAROL GROW...and an "introduction to the XFL." IF you're a fan of double entendres, boy howdy is this the promo for you!
SmackDown Xtreme ad - yeah yeah, we get it already
CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO v. CHRIS BENOIT v. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW v. IF YA SMELLLLLL in a Fatal 4-Way for a Thursday title shot - Benoit and Jericho quickly go at it, forgoing the need for ring introductions. Here
comes the Show, going right for Jericho with a headbutt - and one
for Benoit. Show goes back and forth to each man - here comes Rock -
ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM!!!!!! Leg is hooked - Benoit breaks at 1. Show
mauls him down - overhand forearm. Tossing him over the top rope - that
was an *awesome* chokeslam, as the 1-800-COL-LECT Double Feature confirms.
Jericho tossed into the corner, big slap. Into the opposite corner, elbow
misses - Jericho up top - but Show catches the cross body on his shoulder -
put in the position - THE FINAL CUT! Benoit in with a lightning elbowdrop
to save him. Kick, kick, kick, off the ropes...Show cuts him down with a
clothesline. Another angle of the chokeslam thanks to the 1-800-COL-LECT
Double Feature. Rock in - right, right, right, off the ropes, clothesline,
off the ropes, clothesline, STILL on his feet, Show catches the next one -
Rock wriggles free and comes off the ropes with a clothesline - Show
teetering on one leg...and waiting for the Rock to finish putting him over
the top rope to the floor...landing on his feet. Benoit on the Rock -
forearm in the back. In the corner, kick, kick, chop, chop. Jericho on
the Show on the outside. Benoit kick, hop, Rock ducks, right, right,
right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT! Benoit ducks a swing, reverses a whip
and lands a death suplex. Up top...swandive headbutt MISSES! Rock and
Benoit are out in the ring. Show puts Jericho over the barricade and into
the crowd...then goes stalking. Rock manages a Samoan Drop that almost
puts Benoit on his head - leg is hooked - 1, 2, Show steps on him. Big
elbow for the Rock - motioning for another chokeslam but Jericho flies off
the top with the missile dropkick! Benoit dropkicks the knees. Rock with
the DDT! Leg is hooked - 1, 2, Jericho dropkicks Rock to stop it. Jericho
covers Show - 1, 2, kicked out with authority. Rock puts Jericho into the
barricade and works him over while Benoit puts the crossface on the Show.
Rock in and kicking the hold apart. Benoit back with a right - chop -
kick, kick, kick, kick. Rock's head hits the buckle, chop, European elbow,
into the ropes is reversed, spinebuster by the Rock, going for the
Sharpshooter and HE'S GOT IT! Show put Jericho into the STEEL steps
somewhere down there - didn't see it but heard it. Will Benoit tape? He's
reaching...but Jericho is in to flatten the Rock. Stomp, stomp, stomp,
over to Benoit, scoop...and a slam. Lionsault! Leg is hooked - 1, 2, Rock
breaks it up. Where's the Show during all this? Maybe HE hit the steps.
Rock with a right on Jericho - into the ropes, head down, Jericho with a
kick, Rock ducks a clothesline, double leg by Jericho - WALLS OF JERICHO!!
But Show is back in - grabbing his neck...Benoit with a kick to the back of
his nutsack to prevent the chokeslam. Benoit with a Euro elbow, right,
Show has HIM by the neck and off his feet...Jericho shoves BOTH of them
over the top rope to the floor! But Rock is ready...Rock Bottom on
Jericho! 1, 2, 3! (6:31) Angle
says he'll have no problem proving that
he's a better man than the Rock on Thursday. "I'll see you there, Rock - I
will see you there." Rock stands on the ropes and stares - Angle rises
from the commentary table with the WWF title on his shoulder - there's your
final shot - credits are up, WWF logo is up, and we are out.
AFTER THE FACT: Troy Thomas signed in: CRZ,
Just a few notes from Raw. The crowd only popped big for Rock and Austin and the home town hero, Kurt Angle. HHH was not as big as i was hoping. Too Cool got a bigger pop than Taker and kane. Speaking of that, my friend and I watched the steps all night and they didn't move. Now if we didn't watch them, Taker would have drove to the ring with Kane on the handlebars or something. After the show went off the air, Rock invited Angle into the ring to get it on and Angle accepted. Kurt had the upper hand but then fell victim to a people's elbow. Then a pat on the back from Rock, I'm sure to thank him for doing a job in his home town. Even if only the house crowd saw it. I have to give it a thumbs down though for one reason.............. NO TRISH!!!! No return date announced this time. Later.
Well, they've really given away a lot of what will go down Thursday - will it matter? See you then!