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QUOTE OF THE WEEK: I wish we would get serious with our light heavyweights. - Jim Ross

I don't know, JR..if you start saying it EVERY week, you just *might* start being seen as (i) a boy crying "Wolf" and/or (ii) completely full of shit. "Just one man's opinion, folks."

QUICK QUOTES: WWF 15.36 (- 2.45 ... last year: 11 15/16), SPLN 6 11/16 (+ 1/8 ... last year: 41 7/8)

TONIGHT: Ain't no damn dog show pre-empting us THIS year! LIVE LIVE and LIVE from the CAA - it's a #1 contenders match for the tag team championship when Edge & Christian collide with Kane & the Taker! Hey, and don't forget that BIIIIIIG Rock/Rikishi reprazentin' match! It all starts after the final fifth of "Martial Law..."

WHOA this is "Miami Vice!" Did TNN change their schedule *again?* I hope they still rerun these things at midnight...




TV-14-DLV-CC - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

Opening Credits

OW OW MY EARS Coming to you LIVE from the Continental Airlines Arena in (the WWF is contractually obligated to never mention the city of) E. Rutherford, NJ, transmitido en espanol SAP, on a day we used to call Lincoln's Birthday back when *I* was a kid, 12.2.1 and just under two weeks away from No Way Out - and we're soon getting to the point where there'll be No Way Out of revealing the ins and outs of this here pago-por-ver...

Almost eighteen thousand rise as one as THE NEW MAN & STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT start out the noisemaking by heading to the ring. Tonight, the Rock represents Triple H against Rikishi representing Stone Cold Steve Austin for the right to pick the stipulations in their upcoming No Way Out match...this will probably be soon touched upon by The Game. Lemmy been a friend of his, by the way. Lawler wonders if H will drop the dime on his choice of stipulations now. "You know, Steph, every time we come here to New Jersey it's the same damn I know New Jersey is the armpit of America, but every time we come out here, I look out at these same blank, dull, expressionless know, it's as if they can't figure out how on earth their lives got this bad. Like it's not their own fault - they sit there, confused...but you know, I gotta admit - tonight, tonight I feel like I've got that same confused look on my face they do. Because...there's a lot of things about this match tonight...that I don't understand. There's a lot of things... ["Slut!"] There's a lot of things about this match over who's gonna get to choose the stipulations between Austin and myself at No Way Out that I don't understand. Now I can understand why your father would wanna keep Austin and I apart until then. I can understand why your father would wanna penalise us if Austin and I were to get physical with each other before then. I can understand why Vince would wanna have a lottery where a man would represent both Austin and myself. And I can even understand why Vince McMahon, in his infinite wisdom, would choose Rikishi, the man that ran down Stone Cold Steve Austin, to represent him. ["Austin!"] Go ahead and call him - he can't touch me! I can understand why Vince would choose Rikishi - hell, I can even applaud that, but the one thing that I cannot understand for the life of me, no matter how hard I try is why your father (Vince McMahon) would choose to represent me the one man that I hate probably just as much as Steve Austin...the Rock. Now I might not understand why Vince did it, but he did. ["Rocky!"] Now you see, the Rock tonight will come out here and normally the Rock is the People's Champion. Well understand this, tonight the Rock will not represent you idiots, the Rock will represent...ME. You see, if the Rock wins, I get to choose the stipulations between Austin and myself at No Way Out...and believe me, those stipulations are way too good for the Rock to screw up. You see, I might not be able to touch Stone Cold Steve Austin, but there's a reason why JR over here calls me the Cerebral Assassin, and that is because I can outthink Stone Cold Steve Austin. ["Asshole!"] The stipulations that I have selected, that I have in mind, should the Rock win, are mind-boggling. Austin will not even begin to understand how to deal with the stipulations that I will select. So Rock, all you have to do is get the job done. And one last word of warning, Rock - do not, and I repeat do not do anything stupid." Cue the music - IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLL takes the stage and paces about a bit so the crowd can scream. "Triple H, did you just tell the Rock don't do anything stupid? This, coming from a man who took a sacred vow of marriage to the biggest s(beep) in the Western hemisphere? You see, Triple H, the fact of the matter is..." Rock turns his head slightly to encourage a chant. "You see, Triple H, the fact of the matter is this: the Rock could care less about your stipulations. Because, you see the Rock, at No Way Out has a match, too. You see, at No Way Out, the Rock is gonna face Kurt Angle for the WWF title. And at that match at No Way Out, the Rock guarandamntees two things. Number one, the Rock guarandamntees he will become WWF Champion. And number two, the Rock guarandamntees he's gonna defend it at WrestleMania. Well the Rock understands, Triple H - you call yourself the Game...["Rocky!"] Triple H, the Rock knows you like to call yourself the Game - you think that everything revolves around you, so let's talk about the match tonight - let's talk about stipulations. And no, the Rock's not talking about the winner of the match gets five minutes with your, the Rock's not talking about that, 'cause quite frankly, everybody's already had that! The stipulations the Rock - the stipulations the Rock talks about apply to right now. Stipulation #1: Triple H, you stop running your mouth, the Rock will just walk back there in his locker room, get dressed and get ready for his match last tonight. Stipulation #2: You *keep* running your mouth, and the Rock'll walk down this ramp, get in the ring and make you produce the look of a lifetime as the Rock takes his shoe and kicks it straight up your monkey ass!" Stephanie: "Rock, you don't have the balls---" "Ahhh ahh, obviously it's settled - stipulation #2 it is." Rock makes his way to ringside - I'm thinking it's just about time to cue some music - sure enough, RIKASHMONEY comes out right as Rock parts the ropes and enters the ring. I bet we see Austin *and* Vince before the ad break. "Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. Hey Rock, Rock - now I'm really confused. Why would you wanna come out here and start a fight with Triple H when you have something bigger to worry about tonight - ME? You see, unlike you, I have no problem with this match. You see, I'm glad to put it down and represent Stone Cold Steve Austin, because Austin knows that I would never...steer him wrong." Yuk yuk! "You see, Rock, this match is gonna be a quick one - it's gonna be a regular...hit and run." WAH HA HA HA "A regular hit and run - you see, my door's unlocked, my seat belt is fastened, and I'm ready to kick yo ass into high gear." Whoops, I hear glass - we gotta be close to the home stretch for this segment as STEP OFF walks out. I wonder if he'll speak before the quarter hour turns? Of COURSE not.




"Well as your having such a hard time understanding things, maybe you'll understand that (bird) right there. Rikishi as far as you're concerned, you're one funny diaper-wearin' son of a bitch...I mean, I know you think you can come out here making all your little jokes, and Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna get all hot and bothered - eh eh - that's not gonna happen. What's gonna happen - shut up - what's gonna happen here tonight is you're representin' Stone Cold Steve Austin. Normally because of our past, I would want any man standing in this ring with you to whip your sorry ass all over the ring, but tonight like I said you represent Stone Cold Steve Austin, so the bottom line is you make all the little jokes you want, but Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna sit right there ringside, and watch you do whatever it takes to do to get the job done. And when the match look at me - and when the match is over, I'll be the first man in this ring with a beer, hand it to your little grubby paw, open it up, propose a toast and give you a Stone Cold Stunner in front of the ring and there ain't a damn thing you can do about it." "Hold on a second. You think you're just gonna sit right there ringside by yourself and watch this go down? I don't think so. I'm gonna be sittin' right next to your ass making sure he does what he needs to do. And as far as you go, Rock, you better know your damn role, you understand me? You better get the job done, or else...and as far as Riki--" Rock starts pounding on him, only to go down at the hands of Rikishi - big right hand - DRUMSTICK DROP! Triple H wants a piece of this, but Austin stands as a shield, keeping him back. They have some words until Rikshi is up from behind on Austin with a forearm - and there's a RIKISHIKICK!! Play his music! He's a bad man! Rikishi smiles wide on his way back up the ramp as Austin and Rock are left laying in the ring. Triple H seems rather pleased as well.

Triple H shills Weider Dynamic Muscle Builder

When we come back, Moments Ago!

WWF INTERCHRISINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: EDDIE GUERRERO (with Let Us Take You Back to Last Week) v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO - Say, that's a pretty swank R4dicalz shirt Latino Heat's wearing there...don't you agree? Tonight, Billy Gunn takes on Triple H! Good of Triple H to mention this in the opening segment...ohhhh he didn't. Here we go - lockup, Jericho to the side headlock, Guerrero powers out, Jericho with the shoulderblock. Back to the lockup, to the corner, referee "Blind" Jack Doan looking for the break but Guerrero pops him one before it happens. Running into a drop toe hold, Jericho with the arm drag takeover, Guerrero tries a sleeper, but Jericho hits a death suplex. Knife-edge chop by Jericho. Another big chop! Euro elbow, into the ropes is reversed, dropping down, big knee/elbow by Guerrero - Guerrero popping him with rights, then hitting a big European uppercut. To the crner, rights, lefts, Euro uppercut, another - Jericho slumps in the corner. Guerrero pulls him out and hits a death suplex off the waistlock. To the keylock...Jericho won't give up off that, though. Guerrero with a knee as Jericho gets to his feet. Nice suplex by Guerrero. That's it? Guerrero thinks so - he's going up...but Jericho is over - right, right, climbing up - SUPERPLEX!! Both men are down...both men up at 2. Block, right by Jericho, right, into the ropes, reversal, flying jalapeno by Jericho! BIG chop - into the corner, elbow up by Guerrero to stop the charge..running at him, but Jericho dumps him over his head to the turnbuckle. Bulldog! Lionsault...HITS THE KNEES!! Guerrero with La Majistral (well, not really) - 2!! Guerrero gets to the chop. "Eddie sux!" Into the opposite corner, Jericho dumps him... Guerrero into an Ultimo Dragon headstand - twisting down to try for the 'rana but Jericho holds and halts him as he hits the mat...Walls of Jericho! Looks like Guerrero's gonna have to - WHOAAA X-PAC is back!! After 'Pac causes Jericho to involuntarily break the hold by punking him out in the back of the head, Doan has no choice but to to call for the bell (DQ 3:42) as X-Pac unleashes and unloads - and there's the X FACTOR! "Three months, you son of a bitch! Three months you kept me out!!" says the Kid - apparently, long memories are becoming something of a habit to the men Jericho's been injuring of late. X-Pac's DX-like theme plays once again.

A black limousine pulls up outside...ahh, *there's* Vince, all smiles..and there's Trish right behind. "Thank you so much for the ride, Mr. McMahon!" "Oh well uh Trish, thank *you* very much! You're very welcome, by the way..." But the shocking twist comes as William Regal gets out...and leads Trish away on *his* arm! Vince's smile never breaks...

XFL hype

Kurt Angle shills "SmackDown! 2" for the Sony PlayStation



Hey! The Daytona 500 is this Sunday - on FOX! And I thought my day would be wasted watching SuperBrawl!

Here's a look at the New York City skyline...far, far away from New Jersey, where we happen to be.

Our hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER - Ross apparently thinks Thursday's show is "UPN's Heat" but we cut to the results of Angle's theft accusations

Let Us Take You Back to MTV's Sunday Night Heat where Kurt Angle gave Essa Rios not one, not two, but THREE Olympic Slams

Backstage, Edge & Christian tell Angle they're not gonna host Heat anymore - they're just gonna hunt down Carson Daly. "Yeah - that chumpstain was totally ducking us. You know who I'm talking about, the monotone guy with no charisma." "Oh, oh, he's the handsome guy, yeah." MICHAEL KING COLE shows up and tells Angle that Essa Rios has challenged him to another match. "Essa Rios? Cripes all Friday! What's Spanish for know when to quit?" Angle decides that if Rios can find a tag team partner - perhaps one of his Spanish "homeys" - he'd be more than happy to compete against them in a tag team match. He'll have *no* problem finding a partner..."in fact, I'm a people person, Michael." Edge tells him he has all the peeps at his disposal - they'd be happy to be his partners, but they have a big #1 contenders' match tonight which they need to win, in order to get their tag team titles back - then they'll all have gold! "TEAM ECK LIVES!" Angle scoffs after they leave. "Essa Rios..."

Meanwhile, Triple H hits the locker room and asks Rikishi to lay down for the Rock, just like he asked Billy Gunn to lay down for Jericho last Thursday. "Nonononono, hold up man, hold up. 'kishi don't lay down for nobody, H. I know we go way back, but I've done you favours already, all right? I know you're out for yourself, it's time for me to look out for myself." Can't he help a brother out one more time? Nope. H wishes him luck, then picks up a heavy object to punk him out...only, just before he can strike, Haku emerges from the bathroom. I hope he flushed!! H says he was just taking off. Haku says something in some other language.

The Hardy Boyz and Lita are WALKING! If an intergender tag is next, can we bet that the Radicalz and Terri might be involved?

Chyna shills Stacker 2 - there's a "Monkey Bone" joke in here somewhere, but damned if *I* can find it

HARDY BOYZ & LITA v. CHRIS BENOIT & PERRY & TERRI (with Benoit's music - and Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) in scathing, scorching intergender action - Terri and Lita got involved on Thursday, so now they're *in* the match. I wonder if Dean's music will play right now. Hey here comes DEAN MALENKO as his music plays. Help me out being so predictable a bad thing or a good thing? Pier Four Brawl amongst the men, meanwhile... Poetry in Motion on Saturn - Benoit over on Jeff as Saturn rolls out - repeated kicks. Short clothesline. Malenko is staying up on the stage. Head to the buckle,chop, chop, Saturn tagged in - hard to the buckle, double press...and drop. Saturn stomps, waistlock - suplex. Right hand. Terri bounces with every move. Has Hardy on his shoulder...rammed into the top turnbuckle. Buss from Terri. Into the opposite corner, Hardy climbs to the top...but Saturn crotches him. Saturn up behind on the second rope - Hardy manages to elbow him back to the ring, then hits a corkscrew moonsault off the top! Tag to matt! Duck, right, right, sitout clothesline. Swinging neckbreaker. Dropkick for Benoit as he comes in illegally. Whip into the ropes is reversed, boot up by Hardy, second rope clothesline gets 2 - Benoit saves. Hardy dares him to run at him...then dumps him over the top rope to the floor, where Jeff is waiting to hit the barricade run clothesline. Matt with the scoop slam - second rope guns legdrop. NOW THE SHIRT COMES OFF SQUEEEEAL - but Terri is in and on his back. Matt quickly shakes her off, then goes to his corner to tag Terri - Saturn shoves into the picture, so Lita hits the top rope rana on HIM instead. Terri gets the Twist of Fate while Matt climbs to the top and splashes the pile outside the ring. Moonsault by Lita - 1, 2, 3! (3:29) Was Terri legal? Saturn quickly grabs Lita and gives her a backbreaker - quickly, Malenko is in the ring to call him off..what a gentleman! Malenko lovingly picks up Lita...and CLOTHESLINES HER DOOOOOOWN!! Whoa! Malenko's music fires up again, and



the Radz head up the aisle as the Hardyz check on Lita...

Edge & Christian are WALKING!

Meanwhile, Taker & Kane are WALKING!

THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ come out to grab a pair of headsets and provide some commentary for the next match...

EDGE & CHRISTIAN v. KANE and ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' (on his Beautiful Titan Bike) in a #1 Contenders' match - Hmm, looks like the website plugs have left the chyron - perhaps they had no apparent effect on hit counts? Edge & Christian from behind as the Fun Brothers glare at the tag champs - quickly both men reverse and work them over in adjacent corner. Cross-corner whip of Christian by Taker - follow lariat. Kane whips Edge behind them and does the same. Christian dumped out - Edge into the ropes - double press...and drop. Christian in, eats a boot from Kane. Taker tosses Christian out *again*. Christian into the commentary table...then Taker removes the tabletop and motions to the Dudleyz! Meanwhile, Edge takes the chokeslam in the ring...but Christian has a chair - WHACK! Referee "Blind" Tim White is outside, of course, and misses it. "Your brother just got hit over the head with a chair ya dumb son (beeep)!" 1, 2, NO! Christian gets the tag - stomp, right, right, right, kick by Kane, right, Buh Buh Ray remarks that being five-time champions only means you've lost the belts four times - let me take a minute and count this out on my fingers...hmm...well, he's close. Into the corner, foot up by Christian. Foot up by Christian again, right, right, right, right is blocked, Kane with a right, back elbow for Edge on the apron, right for Christian. Kane outside and going up top...Edge crotches him. Probably shouldn't climb your opponents' corner. Edge & Christian on the second rope...but Kane shoves them BOTH out of the superplex attempt - then hits the flying clothesline on Edge. And there's the tag! Taker in - soupbone for Christian, soupbone, to the corner, to the opposite corner, swung up on the shoulder, and powerslammed down. Edge into the ropes, ducks a clothesline, but not the flying clothesline from the Dead Man. Gutshot for Christian, lining up for the Last Ride - Edge tries to clothesline Taker, but he ducks, then pops him one. Back to Christian - big choke - big CHOKESLAM! Cover - 1, 2, Edge manages to save. Kane in - right for Edge and they both go outside. Kane whips Edge into the Dudleyz - and now it's a Pier SIX brawl as the Dudleyz get involved! White calls for the bell...umm, what did he decide? (No contest? 3:53) Heh heh - Buh Buh Ray wears Tommy. The REFS & OFFICIALS finally manage to restore order, but it takes nearly everybody from the back to get these six men separated. Most over man is, of course, the table. Play Limp Bizkit! Kane and Taker take to the ring. Ross says he thinks it was a double disqualification. So what'll we do for No Way Out?

Cole catches up to Angle - has he found his tag team partner yet? "Michael, have you not learned anything in your years of broadcast journalism? It's Essa Rios! And one of his Spanish homeys. I could pick *anybody* to be my tag team-- ma'am, how would you like to team up with the WWF Champion tonight in a tag team match?" "Huh?" "Exactly, she's game. I have myself a tag team partner. How do you like that, Michael?" Cole questions his wisdom, since Rios can pick anybody. Angle asks if he's questioning his intelligence. Raven arrives at this point. "Hey Kurt, nice partner. What time's she due back at the home? Listen, from one champion to another, I'd be more than happy to be your partner and commit some sort of atrocities tonight." "Ma'am, is that all right with you?" "Huh?" "Exactly, you know what, just keep pushing that green thing, you're doing fine. Let's go."

"Let the Rock tell you a little story about pie." Ohhhh not tonight, I'm tired. That's a "WWF: The Music (Volume 5)" ad, by the way

Triple H shills Weider's Dynamic WBF Killer one more time



Does seem kinda weird watching a "Rockford Files" ad during the War Zone, doesn't it?

In the local spot, a "WCW SuperBrawl Revenge" ad sneaks by.

Moments Ago, a fracas erupted. If only someone had the wisdom to sort out this scenario!

Our hosts explain how we've gotten to this point in the stipulations storyline

Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! where Triple H punked out Billy Gunn with a fire extinguisher

We cut to JONATHAN COACHMAN with Billy Gunn for just under one second

Then we cut to some other camera looking out into the crowd - how odd

Back to our hosts, who introduce

Moments Ago, Jonathan Coachman stood with Billy Gunn (hmm). What's going through his head. Gunn avoids the cheap laugh that could have come with answering "the fire extinguisher?" and instead says "That's a good questions. Lemme think about that for a second - uhhh, payback, uhhh, revenge, uhh, hell all of the above. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK'S GOING THROUGH MY HEAD?" Hey Billy - decaf

Meanwhile, Vince McMahon is on the phone with (apparently) Linda's doctor. He wants her doped up real good, so he can give her a Valentine's Day she'll never forget...then tape it for SmackDown! Cole barges in because he needs McMahon's reaction NOW to the tag team match we just had. After confirming he did NOT invite Cole in, McMahon says that just because nobody won the match, doesn't mean nobody takes on the Dudleyz. In the interest of fairness, everybody *wins* - it'll be a Triple Threat match for the tag team titles.

THE NEW MAN (with Stephanie Can't Act & Chyna's Book Debuts at #3 on the New York Times Bestseller List & RAW credits & TV-14-DLV-CC boxes) v. THA 1 BILLY GUNN - lookit Triple H hogging all the accompaniment! Lookit the way he HOLDS BACK Billy Gunn by bogarting the RAW credits AND the TV-14-DLV ratings box AND the Close Captioned box! That SNEAKY, CONNIVING, UNDERHANDED POLITICIAN! On the other hand, Gunn *does* have a big "1" with BILLY THE GUNN designed around it on his trunks - almost matches the THE H GAME H design on Triple H's trunks! Rights exchanged - now it's only Gunn throwing the punches, in the corner, right, right, into the opposite corner, big back body drop. H rolls out - referee "Blind" Jim Korderas holds Gunn back - so he goes out on the opposite side of the ring, then walks around to clothesline him. Rolled back in, Gunn back in after him - kick by H. Whip into the opposite corner is reversed, Gunn with a press...hold....hold....and slam. Cover - 1, 2, no. Gunn is bleeped. Into the ropes, reversed, ducks a clothesline, awkward leapfrog, dropkick, 1, 2, no. Right, right, right, right, right, right, I bet Gunn stops running for a while. H whipped into the ropes, head down, facebuster by Triple H. Forearm in the back puts Gunn outside - H out after him. Whip into the STEEL steps. H rolls back in and demands Korderas count - Stephanie pantomimes along. C'mon, Billy, catch your breath, daddy! You're Ross' favourite pure athlete! Gunn back in after 7 - H quick on him. Gunn lies there while H hits the forearm. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, choke. And another choke. Come on, Billy, you've got to DO something! H with the suplex. Running kneedrop - 1, 2, kickout. 1, 2, kickout. 1, 2, kickout. H with a right. Off the ropes...but Gunn catches him in a spinebuster! Both men are down - well, Gunn's been down for three minutes, really - both men up at 4. H with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine." Gunn to the corner - but manages a right on H as he advances on him. H with a right, Gunn, H, Gunn, Gunn, Gunn, H put in the corner, reversed, Gunn jobs out with a clothesline. Another clothesline. Ross: "'The One' Billy Gunn has owned the Game at many exchanges in this matchup! I have been very impressed with 'The One' Billy Gunn's game plan here!" OH COME ON ROSS. H into the ropes, "one armed" powerslam gets 2. Gutshot by Gunn, fatigue jackhammer...2. Gunn motions for the cobra clutch slam - the special name of which hasn't caught on yet, I'm happy to say - H runs to the corner and rams Gunn's head into the buckle. Running at Gunn, H falls to a gutshot - signalling for the Fame'Asser, but H catches him and slams him down. WOW listen to Gunn gasp. Gutshot, Pedigree - it's mercifully over. 1, 2, 3. (5:20) If Ross tries to use this match as an example of Gunn going five minutes, DON'T YOU BUY IT, MY FRIENDS. Stephanie and H back up the ramp - WHOA their lips actually TOUCHED!

No Way Out promo highlights Angle/Rock and Austin/HHH



This Sunday on Superstars, tune in for some very speical Behind the Scenes to learn how "Pie" was recorded!

Michael King Cole asks Essa Rios if he's picked his partner - Big Show enters the picture and asks Rios if Angle went for it. Wait a minute..."went for it?" It was *Angle's* idea!

X-PAC (with RAW is WAR is brought to you by Weider Dynamic Muscle Builder, Greyhound, and Castrol Motor Oily!) v. SCOTTY 2 HOTTY (with Grandmaster Sexay) - Why were the commentators so surprised with X-Pac's return if he was booked in a match in the second hour? They fade out 'Pac's music before any mention is made of D-Generation X...unfortunately, that means there's no music during these ad announcements. 'Pac quickly shoves Sexay through the ropes and hits a spinning heel kick on Hotty - overhand right, right, right, right, right, kick, stomp, stomp, broncobuster (already?) - no, Sexay trips him up instead. Hotty off the ropes with the bulldog - don't tell me it's worm time, well why not - after all it's been a whole THIRTY-THREE SECONDS. HOO HOO HOO hiya - 1, 2, foot on the rope! What could Hotty *possibly* have left after a minute? 'Pac to the eyes - into the corner, elbow up by Hotty - moonsaulting off but nobody home - Hotty lands on his feet but pulls up in pain - ooh, he *must* be in pain, he's calling to "Brian!" Pac is less than pleased with this situation. Crowd chants "X Pac Sux!" Pac outside with the mic. "HEY! Hey - hey - hey - I came here, it's been three months, and I came here to kick somebody's ass on worldwide television, and you ain't gonna pull this injury crap. Come on! This is my time to kick somebody's ass. And if your pansy ass partner can't do it, then why don't you...punk." Shove for Sexay - Sexay shoves back - head to the STEEL steps, rolled in, and the bell rings once again. Right by 'Pac, into the ropes, Pac runs into a powerslam - 1, 2, no. Running bulldog by Sexay. Cover - 2. Right by Sexay, right, climbing to the second rope - Ten Punch Count Along...and a right left right left right left right left right left for good measure - referee "Blind" Chad Patton pulls him off - he turns to ask wassup, allowing X-Pac to sneak in a gutshot, the X Factor, and get the pin. (2:15 + 0:49) Post-match, CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO is out to work over X-Pac, and doing quite a job of it (LIONSAULT!), until...whoa! I'd recognise that scoliosis-laden profile anywhere - it's JUSTIN CREDIBLE! Jericho takes a big chairshot and now the doubleteam is on. Looks like Credible and 'Pac are teaming up as Masters of the Crotch Chop. Play X-Pac's music one more time! "I thought he was in ECW!"

KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY ambushes the Rock on his way out of his dressing room. "The Rock's said it before and he'll say it again - there's a time for questions, there's a time for answers....and then there's a time for the Rock to whip Rikishi's ass all over (whispers) New Jersey." See, even *the Rock* doesn't want to mention Jersey!

Meanwhile, Al Snow adjusts his shirt and tie...puts on a lumberjack shirt with the sleeves cut off...and a Mankind mask. Is he padded? Did he just change personalities again? I have a feeling we'll find out...NEXT!

Chyna shills Stacker 2.

Mick Foley introduces the Ultimate Fanatic Contest - hit for the gruesome details

Earlier Tonight, X-Pac made his shocking return, assaulting Chris Jericho.

Moments Ago, Jericho tried to get some back, only to fall at the hands of a chairshot from "ECW's Justin Credible."

AL SNOW is Mick Foley, complete with tennies, sweat pants, and sock on the right hand. "I'm out here in the form of a protest - Vince McMahon, you've been talking about the interest of fairness, when really all you've been about for the past few months is the interest of screwing! And no, I'm not talking about you screwing me, and no, I'm not talking about you screwing Trish Stratus..." at this point his mic stops working. Sock: "Yeah! Who's he think he's fooling?" "No, Vince McMahon, I'm talkin' about you screwing Mick Foley. Mick Foley may be a fat, goofy, foul-smelling man, but he's my best friend and these people love him!" "Foley!" "Vince! The way you fired Mick Foley was not nice! The way you fired Mick Foley



was not polite, and the way you fired Mick Foley SURE as hell wasn't fair!" Lawler: "Is he underwater?" Snow gets a new mic. "So I guess what I'm saying is that I think, even though you fired Mick Foley, he lives through me tonight, right here in this ring, right here in East Rutherford, New Jersey! I hereby vow to have a sitdown strike until you decide, Vince McMahon, to come out here and address the issue of Mick Foley with me like you promised. Oh, and Vince, if you don't think that's the immortal words of my best friend, Have a Nice Day. Fo-ley! Fo-ley!" The chant continues until BILLIONAIRE VINCE saunters out to ringisde. He should fire him *right now.* Hey, Lawler thinks so, too! "Finally--" Vince swipes the mic from him. "How dare you make reference to me screwing *anybody.* Anyone who knows me knows that I am indeed about one thing these day, and that's...fairness. And by the way, just for the record, not that it's any of your business, Mick Foley's business, or anybody's business in this arena, but just for the record, as far as Trish Stratus is concerned, Trish and I are just friends. As far as your sitdown strike is concerned, you can either remove yourself from this ring right now, or I (Vince McMahon) will personally bodily remove you *myself.*" Snow stands fast. "You sure you want this?" Vince removes his jacket... "Get your ass outta here..." But before they come to grips, here comes WILLIAM REGAL to stop the pain. "Please - please. Mr. McMahon, please. You are a man of closs, an honourable man, there is no need to lower yourself to violence. Why does everything around here always have to end in violence? Now being a goodwill ambassador, please, allow me to mediate. Mr. Snow, please listen to reason. Do not besmirch Mr. McMahon. Mr. McMahon is a wonderful human being! Without this incredible man, sports entertainment as we know it wouldn't exist, not to mention his tireless work with charities and inner-city children! And, I'd like to point out that Miss Stratus is *my* girlfriend, and to imply that my little piece of crumpet would be seeing anyone else is quite ludicrous. But, I am going to forget your harmful words, in hopes that we can talk like gentlemen, because there is *nothing* that cannot be solved without open communication. If you have a grievance--" Vince from behind with the uppernut! Regal pounces on him and unleashes left after left after left... I counted thirty-seven. And three kicks. Hit his music! McMahon and Regal take their triumphant leave as we check a replay for premeditation on the part of Vince...and then take one more look at the downed Snow in the ring.

Moments Ago, one more angle.

McMahon and Regal react to what they've just seen on the monitor - Austin catches up to Vince and forgets his line. "HEY! I guess you think that's pretty cute, making ah...geez. Making the man that ran me down with a car represent Stone Cold Steve Austin, you think that's pretty cute, don't you? Well since you do, what if I make you a little stipulation that the winner of my match ties a chain around them grapefruits of yours, hooks it to the back of a monster truck, and yanks those little bastards right off your carcass!

Announced attendance: 18,186

XFL clips - funny, they didn't include the bit where they lost all their power at the LA Colesium

Our hosts shill XFL one more time....then turn to

WWF New York, where Kat is showing off - hey, I thought she was all into nudity! That looks like either a bikini or bra and panties. Between this pole dance and the XFL appearance, it sure doesn't look like she's spending a lot of time actually being naked...

As Steven Richards basks in the glow of a monitor, the members of his team approach from the left and right...and back a college production! Venis: "How much longer are we going to put up with this?" Goodfather: "There is a time to talk - but that time is over. They wanna see her." Buchanan: "That temptress, that little vixen has brought the evils of indecency back in our homes." Ivory: "She is the cancer - her depravedness is spreading." "Patience. We WILL handle this problem - even if I have to handle it myself. And it will be...for Kat's...own good." Whoa, look at his eyes!

Big Show is WALKING! Oh, wait, Essa Rios is behind him. Heh heh heh...

Meanwhile, Kurt Angle is WALKING! Raven catches up to him and tries to get out of the match - see, he didn't know that the Show was going to be Essa Rios' partner. "What are you talking about? You're the hardcore champion - we'll be fine!" Raven suggests he take the old lady back. "Listen, from one champion to another, I'll handle Essa, you handle the Big Show. We'll make a great team, all right?" "Essa Rios? I'll handle - I'LL handle the Show? Come on, Kurt - come on!"

No Way Out promo #2



And now, the WWF Slam of the Week, presented by Weider Sports Nutrition! From SmackDown!, Kurt Angle altered the outcome of the #1 Contender's match with a few chairshots here and there.

KING KURT ANGLE & RAVEN v. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW & ESSA RIOS - I bet some smark just said "what are Essa Rios and Raven doing in the semi-main?" I see Rios is still wearing his "NO DESTINY" tights - did he borrow those things from Juventud Guerrera? Champs scatter - Show ready to come outside after Angle, but Rios was left in the ring - Raven beals him from the corner to the centre. Right, right, sotmp, stomp, stomp, tag to Angle. Right, right, into the corner, Rios hits the top and flips out - Angle eats a spinning heel kick. Right hand, Angle clotheslines back. Grabbing the ankle to prevent the tag - ducking an enzuigiri and hitting a death suplex. Tag to Raven. Raven going for a death suplex, but Rios backflips out - run to the ropes, but Raven drops down so Angle can pop him one - we cut to...Judd Hirsch and Dick Butkus? Back to the show - 2 for Raven. Raven wants a powerbomb - YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB ESSA RIOS!! Raven back up...too close to the Show - headbutt! Rios makes the tag! Referee "Blind" Teddy Long must have missed it. Show out after Angle, Angle back in, Long not letting him get in. Angle with the Olympic Slam on Rios!! Raven covers - 1, 2, 3. (1:53) Show hits the ring - big thrust kick to Raven, shoved into the corner, headbutt, Angle in with a forearm and a right - no effect, Show has him in the choke...Raven with an uppernut to equalize it. Raven calling to the back - Angle with a right, right, right, kick, right, the NINJETTE is wheeling down the shopping cart of weapons - Raven with a trashcan to the Show's head. Angle with a trashca. STILL standing. Fire extinguisher by Raven - Angle breaks a 2x4. Show is only down to one fact, he seems kinda angry as he rises to his feet. Angle gives hima look...then shoves Raven into his waiting paw - "Your MIIIINE" ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM! Play his music! What happened to the Ninjette? (Maybe she's with Essa Rios.)

The Rock is WALKING!

Meanwhile, Rikishi is WALKING!

Meanwhile, Triple H & Stephanie are WALKING! I wonder...

YES! Stone Cold Steve Austin is WALKING!

They're running out of hallways to put cameras!

XFL hype

Kurt Angle takes one more turn with "SmackDown! 2"

Q: How come the "wassup" doll is WHITE? A: Racism

Awright bro, let's shred....through this overstuffed ravioli with the Hardy Boyz oh my

THE NEW MAN (and Stephanie Can't Act) are out to get an expensive seat to watch the next match. While they make their way down, this might be a good time to remind you that Weider Sports Nutrition brings you WWF No Way Out in just under two weeks at the Thomas & Mack Center in Las Vegas, Nevada!

STEP OFF is the next man out. Hmm, why are both of these guys in the ring? More to the point, with it already hanging close to eleven, how short is this match *really* gonna be?

RIKASHMONEY (Austin) v. IF YA SMELLLLLL (HHH) in a representative match to decide the stipulation master for No Way Out's Austin/HHH match -



H tries to give Rock some instructions - Rock holds up his hands and says he's got it under control...then he throws H a right to put him on the floor. Rikishi pounces - right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, head down, Rikishi kicks him. Rock ducks a clothesline and hits his flying clothesline. Rikishi strikes back with the right. Rock right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT and down he goes. Rock poised for Rock Bottom, but it's too early - Rikishi elbows out. Rock manages the gutshot and DDT, though, and gets 2. Rock right, into the opposite corner is reversed, butt splash by Rikishi. RIKISHIKICK! Stomp, stomp, Rock out and Rikishi following. Head to the steps is blocked - Rock takes *'Kishi's* head to the steps instead. Rikishi comes back, whipping Rock into the barricade. Now Triple H and Rikishi are exchanging words. H begs off...then tries a punch - block by Rikishi, right, right, right, H reverses a whip and Rikishi collides with Rock, taking him over the barricade into the crowd! There's ICE under there! Rikishi brings him back over the hard way as Weider presents the Double Feature. Rock put back in the ring, and everybody's back in now. Rock with a right - into the ropes is reversed, back elbow by Rikshi, off the ropes - DRUMSTICK DROP! 1, 2, Rock gets a shoulder up. Crowd comes to life for the Rock - H encouraging the chant! Right by Rikishi. Right, right, right, right, kick, kick. Does the crowd realise they're rooting for H by rooting for the Rock? Headbutt by Rikishi - Rock blocks a right, right, right, right, Rikishi reverses the whip into the corner and Rock flumps down. Will he *finally* get that stinkface on the Rock? Well, he's too busy flipping one to Triple H. Pointing to Austin and making the drinky-drinky handmotion (!) - giving himself a wedgie - ahh, he took too long - Rock is up with a clothesline. Another clothesline and Rikishi triple spins! Spinebuster! 1, 2, NO!! Rock off the ropes - Rikishi catches him in a Samoan Drop. Stephanie up on the apron, interrupting referee "Blind" Earl Hebner's count - H in, putting Rock on top of Rikishi - now Austin in, reversing it - Hebner over - 1, 2, NO!! Austin walking over to Triple H to, no doubt, politely ask him to refrain from interfering in this match. Stephanie tries to stand between him - Austin shoves her away. Stephanie with a SLAP! Austin is ready to go after her, but H blocks his way. "Nonono - you can't touch me." ROCK BOTTOM! 1, 2, 3! (5:46) Oops, Austin let his guard down. H gives Austin a big grin and hits the ring. H raises Rock's arm and makes the "1-2-3" sign to Austin. Rock comes to and realises where his arm's at, and pulls it back. Now H and Rock are staring - right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT - no! Rikishi hooks the arm, forearms him down - SQUAAAAASH. H gets to stomping. Will Austin save him or not? He's just watching the doubleteam for now...well, now he *will* hit the ring - right for Rikishi, right, right, KICK WHAM STUNNER! Austin puts the badmouth on Rikishi, his music plays...and now H and Austin are nose to nose. What happens next? The credits are up, the WWF logo is up, and the show ends, silly!

AFTER THE FACT: Eddie Burkett always brings the good word from on-site: CRZ,

How's it going?

My friend and I attended the RAW tonight in East Rutherford, NJ. These are the results from the live show:

We got to the arena and they were airing video packages for various superstars set to pop music. At about 7:30, the screen went dark, and eventually the Fink came out to a nice pop.

Dark matches:

1) Lupus(?) vs. Scott Vick --

Nobody apparently remembers or can recognize Sick Boy. Heck, I don't even remember what Sick Boy used to look like... Lupus may or may not his opponents name. It sounded like either Rufus, or maybe even Juice. He was rocking an anarchy gimmick, with a mohawk and a t-shirt with a big anarchy symbol on it. Anyway, a "boring" chant started the match. They wrestled an okay match, but it looked like Lupus(?) botched a few spots. Vick was taunting the crowd like a heel. Vick won with a DVD/Samaon Drop type finisher.

2) Some guy in a turban vs. Julio Torres --

Some guy in a turban might have been announced as The Maharajah, but I didn't really catch the name. He looked like a member of Lo Down. Julio Torres had a baseball jersey with his face on it. Decent match with some nice spots from Torres. Julio won with an Uncle Slam after Turban guy missed a splash off the top rope.

Next, Kevin Kelly, Jonathan Coachman, and Tom Pritchard came out to some Kid Rock song marking the start of:

Livewire/Jakked/Metal tapings (I don't know what shows they were):

1) RTC (Bull & Goodfather) vs. Kaientai

Kaientai did the usual bad Japanese dubbing speech. "Indeed" is over. When Bull & Goodfather went for a response, they were pre-dubbed, and they looked confused about it. Goodfather mentioned something about a fatty, and indeed. During the match, Goodfather teased the Ho Train to a chorus of boos. The match ended when Bull hit the scissor kick and got the pin on TAKA.

2) ??? vs. K-Kwickk

Didn't catch the opponents name, but when he came down (without an entrance) he did a Jarrett like strut. K-Kwick hit a nice drop kick from the top rope en route to his victory with the Falcon Arrow, although he held the guy kinda sideways, so I don't know if that's his variant of the falcon arrow, or he kinda botched it...

At this point, Michael Cole snuck out to the desk, and then ran backstage...

3) Albert (w/ scary new entrance video) vs. Mike Bell (w/ no entrance)

The one nice thing about seeing WWF shows live is that you get to watch all of the entrance videos... Mike Bell got minimal offense in en route to getting hit with the Albertbomb for the pin.

4) Loki vs. Crash (w/ Molly)

Elroy chant to start. Loki hits a nice handspring kick on Crash. Crash ultimately won with a bulldog in the corner.

5) Devito vs. Lupus(?)

I'm guessing this was a suddenly added try-out match for Devito, since a) NJ is considered ECW (r.i.p.) territory, and b) Lupus had wrestled earlier in the night... Decent little match with Lupus winning after Devito attempted to pin him in the corner with his legs on the ropes for leverage. The ref stopped the count when he saw this, so Devito argued with him. The ref responded by pushing Devito into the Lupus pin.

Then, we went live to TNN, and then JR and Lawler came out to the Okie theme and the King music respectively. (Isn't it odd that JR and Lawler came out AFTER going live to TNN???) Lillian then sang the anthem (nice, but a LOT of people were whistling and catcalling at her during the anthem...) and then RAW started with HHH's music...

A few notes during the show:

X-Pac's back, and no one cared.

We saw the ring guys move the steps for the Taker, and we saw guys moving pyro stuff near the stage before different wrestlers came out. Neat stuff.

Some people had no clue who Justin Credible was. (I also think some people have no clue that ECW is pretty much dead, as there was a fairly large "E-C-dub" chant for Justin...) I don't know if this was visible on tv, but it looked like he got caught on the ring for his run-in, as he ran fast up to the ring, and then kinda stopped hanging on the ring apron for a second when he entered the ring.

My friend and I couldn't tell if Scotty's injury was real or worked.

On his way out of the ring, Al Snow got a nice pop. I'm not sure if it was because people like him, or people were popping for Foley through him.

After the show:

I believe the show went out with HHH and Austin staring each other down in the middle of the ring. Afterwards, the Rock snuck up behind HHH, and when HHH finally turned around, Rock hit the Rock Bottom on him. Rock the started to leave the ring while Austin taunted HHH and called for some beers. He then called the Rock back to the ring, and the Rock hesitantly came back. Austin offered him a beer after making motions indicating that he wanted Rock to do a People's Elbow on Helsmley (he waved his arms, pointed from one side of the ring to the other, then made an elbow motion, pointed at Helmsley, and then offered a beer to Rock) After the crowd chanted for Rocky, and some glances at Austin to make sure he was being honest, Rock hit the Elbow on Helmsley, then had some beers with Austin before the two left. During the proceedings, they took turns playing either the Rock's or Austin's music. Then they both left. Rikishi finally rolled out of the ring and left (he had been lying under the ropes in the corner the whole time), and then HHH got up and posed. Lillian announced HHH as the man who got to announce the stipulations for the Wrestlemania main event. HHH then stared her down, and motioned for a mic. He got one, and started ripping on her for screwing up, and then his mic cut out. He got another one, and started bitching to Kevin Dunn for the crappy mic's, and that one cut out. He got one more mic, and tried ripping on the crowd, but that one also cut out. Then, he just motioned for some beers from the time-keeper, and when the time-keeper threw them, HHH couldn't catch them. Finally, he left all pissed off.

I think that about sums it up. I can't wait to find out what happened on Nitro and how the show looked on tv in your reports. Have a good day.

Hey, you think that one of Triple H's stipulations is gonna be that the WrestleMania title shot is on the line? NAAAAAAAAAAH.

[slash] wrestling

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