WWF RAW is WAR
I GET LETTERS:
Despite my best intentions to AVOID receiving a lot of mail
on it, I received A LOT of mail from people willing and eager to tell me
that "Arnold and the Gooch" was a "Diff'rent Strokes" reference - remind me
to stop telling you I don't recognise pop references... No no, I mean,
thanks for writing.
More interestingly, Mike writes: Hey CRZ,
whats up? I just wanted to tell you that I think in SCSA's theme they say "Step Up" and not "Step off" as you have been previously calling him. Its a stupid thing to e-mail you about, but I am 99.9% sure thats what they say.
You know, I've been meaning to go back to the first episode of MTV's "Heat" and compare notes with the close captioning guy (who pretty much utterly failed on keeping up with Disturbed), but I've been so LAZY recently. Maybe your letter will cause me to SPRING! into ACTION! SPRING! SPRING! Spring....nope. But you're probably right. SOME day I'll check that tape...
QUICK QUOTES: WWF 15.45 (+ .09 ... last year: 11 5/8), SPLN 9 5/8 (+ 2 15/16 ... last year: 35 1/2)
TONIGHT: 17,122 in the house and you on the TV! Tonight, it's a Dream Team in action in the main event as the Rock and Steve Austin team up against Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit! Which one's the Dream Team? Stay tuned!
One World Leader Attitude - TV-14-DLV-CC - WWF!
Hmm, we're starting a bit before the hour on my TV...
LAST THURSDAY: SmackDown! saw a Rock/HHH match ruined by outside interference...
first from Kurt Angle, then from Stone Cold Steve
Austin, and THEN from Chris Benoit. Go read the SmackDown! report
OW OW OW MY EYES AND EARS - coming to you LIVE 19.2.1 from the Something Center in St. Louis, MO and transmitido en espanol SAP to here, to WWF New York, to there, on TNN and what a show we claim to have for you
TONIGHT: Rock & Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Kurt Angle & Chris Benoit!
TONIGHT: Stephanie & Triple H vs. Trish Stratus & William Regal!
ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' DOT COM (by his damn self, on his Beautiful Titan Bike) v. D-VON DAMN DUDLEY (by his damn self, with Let Us Take You Back to Last Week) v. CHRISTIAN (by his damn self, with Edge's music...and Edge) in a triple threat match - this match was set up because it's Sweeps month - I mean, because there's a big tag team triple threat this Sunday at No Way Out. Vince McMahon apparently decreed no partners at ringside, but Edge says he's here to commentate, so technically he's not at ringside. Ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA almost spits out that Christian is one half of the tag team champions despite D-Von standing right in front of her wearing a big ol' gold belt, but somebody manages to scream "SHUT UP" in her ear before she finishes announcing "he is one half of the World Wrestling Federation-- Christian!" Dudley and Taker start - soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, into the opposite corner, elbow up by D-Von - running clothsline - right, off the ropes...into the big boot. Taker muscles him down, off the ropes, drops the leg - 1, 2, Christian breaks it up. Right, right, right, Taker has enough of that - grabs him - into the corner, soupbone left soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone. Into the opposite corner, got him on his shoulder...Dudley breaks it up with a gutshot, right, right, off the ropes with a shoulderblock - absorbed - Dudley read to try it again, but Taker sidesteps it and takes him outside over the top. Taker with an armbar on Christian...Dudley saves him. Right by D-Von, right, Christian with two rights, into the ropes, double gutshot, double suplex - wow! Double clothesline puts Taker outside. Taker up as Dudley hits the modified Slop Drop - 1, 2, 3? Oh, no, I guess the first one was referee "Blind" Tim White sliding to the mat and not making a count - he's just a big boy, that's all. I think the timekeeper was fooled, too, 'cause I thought I heard a muffled bell - anyway, Taker pulls D-Von out right after 2 - head to the commentary table. "What are you doing?" Taker puts Dudley back in and turns back to the man yakking behind him. "You got a problem with me, Dead Man?" Undertaker continues his stare...then piefaces him back into his chair. Ha! Meanwhile, Christian hits HIS version of the Slop Drop - 1, 2, kickout by Dudley. Taker puts Christian's head in the corner, back elbow, soupbone, Dudley up from behind, right, Edge on the apron, right, right, Taker has him in a choke...but Christian uppernuts him before the chokeslam. Christian puts D-Von into the ropes, but Dudley flies with the flying jalapeno. Back to Taker - who *does* get the chokeslam down. Cover...1, 2, Christian breaks it up. Edge on the apron again - Taker calmly over and pops him with an uppercut - Edge falls to the floor - Christian trying to catch him with the Tomokaze...but Taker shoves him away. Gutshot, Last Ride coming up...ayup. Taker covers - 1, 2, 3! Guess D-Von is dead. (3:36) Edge back in AGAIN - Taker quickly turns it around and gives *him* a double-high chokeslam. Play Limp Bizkit *again!* Replay of the pieface (heh - it's STILL funny), the Last Ride for Christian, and the chokeslam for Edge. You know what Undertaker needs? THE TOMBSTONE
Out in the parking lot, the Helmsleys wait for Trish and Regal to arrive. While Stephanie paces, Triple H lounges on the trunk of a nearby parked car. I think Stephanie may have said "quite frankly" and "dominant female" but I'm starting to get better at blocking her out. I *do* know she referred to the lovely, talented Ms. Stratus as a "skank."
Those Starburst guys are DUMBASSES. There's a lock on the door of the convenience store in case the power goes out! All right? Put down the candy and USE YOUR DAMN BRAIN once in a while!
Moments Ago - dammit, I've already SEEN both of these clips TWICE
Coming back live (maybe), Edge & Christian get to strategising - what they've been doing to this point hasn't worked. They have one advantage over the other four men in the tag team title chase - brains - BRAAAAAAINZ - anyway, they need to come up with a Plan B...*totally* fast
LITA (with a WWF: The Music [Volume 5] cover) v. UMMM, BACK IN A MINUTE
Here's a Special Video Look at the ongoing
saga 'twixt Lita and Dean
Malenko...and their associated friends
LITA v. DEAN MALENKO - geez, he doesn't even come out with the Light Heavyweight belt anymore...but don't worry, fans, I hear that Jim Ross might include a sentence about "wishing we'd get our light heavyweight division going" this Friday in his Ross Report and THAT will make it ALLLLL better. You hear me, Ross? WE AIN'T BUYIN' THAT CRAP NO MORE!! Lockup, Dean SHOVES her to the mat. Crowd: "Ooooh!" Malenko advances but referee "Blind" Jack Doan tells him to watch it. Lita pushes Doan aside, saying something to the effect of this is a regular match or...well, I can't hear her at all. Sorry. Anyway, Dean hits a gutshot, forearm to the back, vicious clothesline, and goes outside to grab a STEEL chair. Doan and Malenko fight over the chair and Doan wins. Lita with a schoolboy - Malenko quickly pops out of it and punks out Lita again. Scoop...and tied to the Tree of Woe - kick, kick, kick. Malenko unties her and covers - 1, 2, Malenko puts her foot on the rope! Hahaha that's AWESOME. Malenko - huh? A little shove for Doan after a brief debate - the purpose of which is to get Doan looking the other way so Lita can sneak in an uppernut! Small package - 1, 2, Malenko kicks out! Malenko back to the attack - HIGH death suplex. Doan puts on the ten count - at 2, Malenko pulls Lita over him - 1, 2, Malenko manages to kick out. Malenko RULES. Irish whip into the corner, scoops her out, put she kicks down Doan as he swings her around. Malenko with a knee in the gut, and a big suplex. Malenko looks at Doan - he's still out - so he goes for *another* chair. MATT HARDY is out from the crowd - ducking a swing of the chair - gutshot, Malenko drops the chair - Hardy with the WHACK - Lita crawls over to Malenko...Doan comes to - 1, 2, 3!! (3:05) Hardy back in to help Lita up - hugs all around - whoa, Matt just kissed her! On the lips! He IS straight after all! Matt immediately realises what he's just done and starts profusely apologising. Hardy goes out to leave her alone. Lita ponders what's just happened as Matt smacks himself in the head. Lita back up the ramp, spinning him around - he apologises again but SHE kisses HIM - with tongue!! Play the Hardyz music! Lita wants her some HARD HARD HARDY
Back outside to watch the Helmsleys. The limousine *does* pull up and Stratus pops up through the sunroof. Stephanie climbs up the hood and across the roof...and actually grabs her, slamming her head into the roof a few times. Triple H is up on the car to pull her off as Regal and Stratus step out a side door and into the building...
XFL hype - you know, I was kinda excited about the XFL until I found out that they're *never* going to put the Demons on TV...and hell, that's not EASY when they show three out of the four games every week!
The XFL cheerleaders shill Stacker 2...I think
Moments Ago, three paragraphs ago - oh no, she left her HAT behind! Maybe Stephanie can give it to her and she can be all "at least I got my damn hat back!"
Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER. Two big main events to come!
Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! where Kurt Angle re-introduced us to his anklelock by putting it on the Rock
The graphic don't lie - at No Way Out, it's The Rock vs. Kurt Angle for the WWF title!
Earlier Today, KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY had a sitdown with the champ:
Kurt, we saw what you did to the Rock on SmackDown!, and we know your history together. Talk about where this hatred of the Rock comes from.
Kevin, I'm gonna tell you something I've never told a living soul before. When it comes to the Rock, I am jealous, it's true, I am...and why shouldn't I be? Do you have any idea what it's like to train for the Olympics? To put in years of your life for the privlige of honouring your country, represnting the people...and then, to defy the odds and actually bring home the Gold, and then come here to the WWF to a chorus of boos...while a guy like the Rock - a guy who couldn't and wouldn't represent his country even if he wanted to, gets standing ovations in every city across this country? It hurts. It hurts me right here. I am everything that the Rock is not - I'm kind, courteous, considerate, and yet he's the hero? Why is that, Kevin?
Kurt, the reality is for whatever the reason, the Rock is the People's Champion.
Kevin, let me ask you a question. You're a *person,* right? How's the People's Champion treating you? Has your son asked you what "hermaphrodite" is, huh? Did your wife think it was especially sexy when the Rock made you conduct an interview with your finger up your nose? Let me ask you, Kevin - who will *you* be rooting for when I face the Rock this Sunday at No Way Out? That's all right, Kevin, you don't have to answer - your face says it all. You know, it's funny. You talk about lack of respect. Everyone thinks that WrestleMania is set in stone - the fans, the Rock, even this company. After the Rock beats me, it'll be Stone Cold versus the Rock at WrestleMania - "the biggest WrestleMania of all time." Well I've made a lifetime of proving people wrong, and I plan to do it again, one more time. I will beat the Rock this Sunday at No Way Out. I will prove without a shadow of a doubt that I am more athletic, more talented, and more deserving of the people's admiration. And after I defeat the Rock 1, 2, 3 in Las Vegas, I will finally win the people over. It's gonna be beautiful. The people will stand. They'll give ME a standing ovation. And my dream of finally earning their respect will happen. They'll have no choice. You know, throughout my life, my dreams have a habit of becoming a reality...(three frames of "the Rockford Files")...and Rock, the reality is my days of being on top aren't numbered...yours are. And that, Kevin...
that, America...is true.
Kat knocks on the APA door and asks how she can be the leader of Right to Nudity if the Right to Censor keeps stopping her from getting nude. "Guys, listen to me real carefully - I WANNA GET NEKKID!" Bradshaw says he was surfing the Internet looking for nekkid women (they have NEKKID WOMEN on the INTERNET?) and he came across dejavu.com - and there's a Deja Vu right here in St. Louis! And off they go to take Kat to get nekkid. (Would you PLEASE stop spelling it that way?) NO! Nekkid nekkid nekkid nekkid nekkid nekkid (AHHHHHH) Heh heh heh.
Meanwhile, MICHAEL KING COLE stands with Chris Jericho - tonight, Eddie Guerrero and X-Pac will have a match and McMahon has appointed Jericho special guest referee. "Mitchell Cole, would you please SHUT THE HELL UP. And congratulations, Vince - after 647 consecutive run-ins during my matches, you have decided that (deep voice) 'due to outside interference, in the interest of fairness, it's time to play it safe.' Well maybe if you woulda had that Socratarian wisdom the night Stephanie was conceived, the world we live in would be a much less s(beep)y place. And even though the intercontinental championship is not on the line, the bragging rights as to who is the scuzziest greaseball in the WWF are. And as far as X-Pac goes, it's obvious that HE HATE ME, and as far as Eddie Guerrero goes, it's obvious that HE HATE ME so instead of wearing a boring referee's jersey, my bud Rod Smart from the Las Vegas Outlaws has lent me his. And I'm sorry, Mitchell, but your 'I'm a frosted haired jackass' jersey is still in the mail."
Oh, it's the SAVVIS center. It's a sold out Savvis Center, by the way - would the marquee lie? *Maybe.*
HE HATE CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO is out in his previously designated assignment. Oh, and also RAW is WAR is brought to you by Starburst, Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli, and WWF: The Music (Volume 5 - buy it at Best Buy starting TOMORROW!)
EDDIE GRRRERO (with WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover) v. X-PAC (2-0) NEVER JOBS IN SINGLES MATCHES - Guerrero thinks about taking a swing at Jericho...but pulls up. X-Pac *also* has some words for Jericho...but perhaps he should have kept his eyes on his opponent. Guerrero with a blindside right - stomp, stomp, stomp, into the ropes, reversed, shoulderblock by Guerrero, off the ropes up and over, leapfrog by X-Pac, nice spinning heel kick, quick count by Jericho but Guerrero kicks out at 2. Guerrero with some words for Jericho - and X-Pac from behind with the forearm. Drops the forearm, again, and one more time. Guerrero put in the corner, X-Pac crotches himself after Guerrero moves out of the way. Guerrero from outside in with a clothesline down to the mat. Jericho slowly over - checking the shoulders - X-Pac kicks out before Jericho even starts his count. X-Pac with a schoolboy - Jericho counts 1, pissing off both men - Guerrero because he's in the ropes, X-Pac because Jericho stopped the count. 'Pac argues with Jericho - forearm by Guerrero to the back - stomp, into the ropes, abdominal stretch...Ross calls Jericho "Benoit" because all Canadians look alike. Guerrero pulls the hair, Jericho warns him. "What are you gonna do about it?" Jericho starts his five count, Guerrero lets up. Then he grabs it again. Guerrero releases it *again* as Jericho starts his count, then grabs it a third time. Jericho grabs HIS hair and whips him to the mat, breaking the hold. Guerrero with a shove - Jericho shoves back. Guerrero points at him... Jericho: "I'll disqualify you right now!" Oh, if only he had a WWF patch to point to while he was saying that! Right cross to 'Pac. Into the ropes, back elbow by Guerrero. Guerrero going up top...motioning to Jericho - X-Pac with a nine or ten foot high dropkick (wow!) and Guerrero teeters to the apron. 'Pac climbs up...and superplexes him back in! Jericho starts the mandatory ten count...and the crowd counts along (what is this, a WCW event?) Both men up at 5 - 'Pac gets bleeped flipping off Jericho on his way to a broncobuster on Guerrero. Jericho warns him, then pulls him off rather physically. Guerrero horsecollars him down, stomp, stmp, bringing him up, right hand, into the ropes, head down, kick by X-Pac, Guerrero ducks a clothesline, waistlock, X-Pac elbows out, gutshot, suplexing him over the top rope to the floor. Jericho starts a count...and tries to keep X-Pac back. X-Pac back to the ropes, Jericho shoves him away. Slap by X-Pac - Jericho doesn't take this very well, right hand, right, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, JUSTIN CREDIBLE is out - HE gets a right - X-Pac muscles Jericho down and now Credible is punching away on him. Guerrero back in - shot for X-Pac, and HE'S punching away on Credible. Jericho back up, tossing X-Pac outside. Guerrero tosses Credible...now Guerrero and Jericho back into each other - and now THEY go at it - right, right, into the ropes, but Jericho hits the flying jalapeno, bulldog, Lionsault, and play his music! Guess it's over. (No contest? 4:36 - X-Pac is now 2-0-1) Guerrero rolls out as X-Pac and Credible get back in - both men point to Jericho. Whoa, CHRIS BENOIT is up from behind with a forearm...and a DDT on the stage!! Now play HIS music! How can all five of these men interrelate heading into a pay-per-view? CAN all five men interrelate heading into a pay-per-view?
Kurt Angle shills "WWF SmackDown! 2: Know Your Role"
Here we are at Deja Vu - "totally nekkid" is promised. Kat: "Could they dance for us?" "Maybe you could dance for them!"
Meanwhile, Edge & Christian send a flunkie (and/or writer) to deliver a message to the Undertaker. After he takes off, they start shouting for the Dudley Boyz, daring them to end this tonight...in the parking lot
Meanwhile, the Dudley Boyz are WALKING! towards the parking lot. "They will never learn - this time they've bit off more than they could chew - they want us in the parking lot, they got it. This is the last night they breathe air."
Meanwhile, Edge & Christian wait for the Dudley Boyz
Meanwhile, the stooge knocks on the Taker's door and delivers the message, namely, the Dudley Boyz are messing with his bike. Taker starts WALKING!
Meanwhile, the Dudley Boyz have arrived in the parking lot - but Edge & Christian are nowhere to be found. What *is* there is that Beautiful Titan Bike - only, slightly less beautiful as it looks like somebody's taken a baseball bat to it. Taker arrives shortly thereafter...and you can imagine what happens next. (If you *can't* imagine what happens next, I'll tell you - Undertaker and the Dudleyz get to brawling. Taker gives it a good poke until the two finally manage to overcome the one...after leaving Taker laying, they walk off to look for Edge & Christian.) For an encore, Kane enters the picture after the Dudley Boyz leave...only to fall to a returning Edge & Christian wielding STEEL chairs.
Meanwhile (6) in their dressing room, Stephanie and Triple H have more fun. Well, Stephanie gets ancy while Triple H asks her to PLEASE cool out because their match isn't until later. Stephanie takes a walk..."to clear my head." Sure, sure...
XFL on TNN ad
Moments Ago, three paragraphs ago - NEXT
Our hosts say "setup" a lot in case we couldn't figure it out on our own
Go figure, STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT arrives with the RAW credits and TV-14-DLV-CC boxes. The graphic reminds us that Trish Stratus and Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley will meet at No Way Out in a match that, mark my words, WILL get *three* more snowflakes from Scott Keith than the Thug/Majors cage match did. "The plans have changed. See, Daddy's not here tonight, which leaves ME in control. Now I know you were all expecting to see Stone Cold Steve Austin...teaming with the Rock....to face the team of Kurt Angle & Chris Benoit. You were all expecting that match right now, but you're gonna have to wait. Now you might not have expected to see me right now, but last Thursday night, I didn't expect to see THIS." Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! where Vince and Trish's visit to Linda's sanitarium was played for the audience to...ahem...rave reviews (or raving reviews, anyway). "My father and I worked *very* hard to put my mother in her place...quiet and subdued - the way a loving mother SHOULD be. See, Mommy realised that in a family there's only room for ONE dominant female - one female in control, and one female in power, and in the World Wrestling Federation that female is ME. So, Dad and I took care of Mom, but now I've got another meddlesome bitch to deal with. Trish, you should've stayed in the back seats where you were more comfortable. See, Trish, I'm not afraid of you - quite frankly, I'm not afraid of anybody. Just look at what I did to
Stone Cold Steve Austin last Monday
night! Trish...if I'd SLAP Stone Cold Steve Austin, just imagine what I'm
gonna do to you this Sunday at No Way Out. And you know what, since I am
in control, and Triple H isn't ready to compete yet...["slut!"]...then
forget about the mixed tag match - Trish, I want you, one on one, In This
Very Ring, RIGHT NOW!" Oops, that's not Trish - it's STEP OFF (OR MAYBE
UP). "Just relax, honey, I just wanted to come
out here and say thank you
- I wanted to come out here and say thank you for flapping your little gums
and showing those video clips and remindin' Stone Cold Steve Austin what
you did to him last Monday night. And sh- Shut up, you're pathetic. And
since I can't touch your little mealy-mouth husband, old Stone Cold Steve
Austin thought he'd come out here and give you a little present right from
the bottom of my heart--" KICK WHAM STUNNER!!! Throw him two beers and
play his music! THE NEW
MAN is out but just a bit too late - Austin clears
the ring before his swing can connect. Double birds all around! Is Austin
coming back down the ramp? No, just halfway down...he's walking back now.
No Way Out promo
Moments Ago - what's with all the third person stuff from Austin, anyway?
Coming back, Triple H trashes his dressing room, throws out the trainer and checks on his wife.
Meanwhile, Regal & Stratus watch a monitor from THEIR locker room. "Oh, poor Stephanie! Guess the match is off! Remember that pain, Stephanie, 'cause that's nothing compared to what I'm gonna do to you at No Way Oot" "Listen to me, dear. With that lunatic Stone Cold Steve Austin stunning young ladies, I think we should take our leave, come on." "No, I'm quite enjoying watching her in pain." "Come on, let's go back to the hotel, come on."
HARDY BOYZ (with Earlier Tonight) v. ISLANDERS 2001 (with "WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover) - Matt gives a "hey aren't I the sexy devil, though" look after watching himself on the EntertainmentTron replay. Matt climbs to the top and dives onto Haku while Jeff does the barricade run clothesline (scaring the HELL out of some ringsiders) onto Rikishi. Pier Four Brawl on the outside...Matt and Rikishi are back in first, and the opening bell sounds. Hardy right, right, right, right, give or take a right, into the ropes, reversed, duck, Hardy with the sitout clothesline. Right hand, down on all fours for Poetry in Motion. Double back elbow for Haku, fistdrop/senton combo. Head to the buckle - that don't work on Haku - he headbutts hit himself a few more times just for fun - then catches Jeff on the Poetry in Motion attempt and casually tosses him over the top to the floor. Matt with a right to Rikishi, right to Haku, right, back to Rikishi, right, Haku with a superkick to stop THAT noise. DRUMSTICK DROP! Rikishi with a headbutt, into the ropes, clothesline puts him down. Tag to Haku - kick to the head, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, hundred hands. Doing the dance...HEADBUTT! Haku pokes him with his foot, then drops a martial arts chop in the throat. Hairpull back to the mat. Tag to Rikishi - double thrust. Ross is busy talking about Triple H and Austin - Rikishi has him in the corner - right, right, kick, kick, kick, headbutt puts him down. Right is blocked, right, right, right, right, right, right, but Rikishi pops him in the throat to stop the onslaught. Into the corner, back to the opposite corner. Rikishi warms it up, wedgies himself...but misses the fat ass splash! Rikishi staggers to the wrong corner, and Jeff hot shots him. Gutshot by Matt - and a DDT! That shouldn't hurt, but it does. Matt is crawling the wrong way...but there's the tag! Haku in illegally - Jeff ducks him, springs up top and hits a corkscrew moonsault on Haku! Spinning heel kick for Rikishi, dropkick puts Haku out, but Rikishi runs him over the top rope to the floor (but he lands on his feet!). Matt with the Twist of Fat - Jeff back in - swantonbomb! Haku lands a headbutt on Jeff to break it up and turn the pin attempt around - referee "Blind" Teddy Long mysteriously appears in place - 1, 2, 3. (3:47) The celebration is cut short as Matt gets back in the ring and takes it to Haku...but Rikishi hits him in the throat. Jeff pounces on Rikishi - doubleteam into the ropes - double clothesline puts him down...put Haku is doing the dance again...and there's a Double Tongan Death Goozle!! Or, if you're Ross, a "choke - a damn chokehold." Now never mind that Tazz has *repeatedly* identified it on "Heat" as the Tongan Death Grip, but Ross insists on calling it a choke - and even after somebody says in his ear NOT to call it a choke, he keeps doing it.
Ross really needs to watch
some other shows. "Nothing but a choke in my estimation!" Damn, Ross,
Haku needs to give you one and THEN you can say that shit. The Island Boyz
stack the Hardyz - I thought maybe Rikishi would Banzai Drop the stack, but
they leave to Rikishi's music instead.
Meanwhile, at Deja Vu, Kat joins a dancer and starts to strip - there goes the skirt...but now Steven Richards and Ivory enter the picture, covering Kat and dragging her away. Richards removes his tie and dares the APA to join him up on the stage for a ruckus. But before they can start doing some REAL damage, Goodfather, Venis and Buchanan get them from behind, breaking more than a few glass objects over the Acolytes' heads...as well as demolishing a few of the local security folk. Bradshaw falls through a table in the process. Guess they'll have to go back to...er...pounding ass, as they're left to lie on the floor with no women.
XFL cheerleaders Stacker 2 ad #2
Moments Ago, I predicted that a "Moments Ago" clip would open the segment...but I do that EVERY segment.
We come back to find AL SNOW campaigning for the job of WWF commissioner - still carrying the gavel, and passing out a few buttons as well. His "COMMISSIONER SNOW" T-shirt is very Foley-esque in its lettering.
Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! where Big Show went through about a half dozen midcarders on his way to losing Raven (thanks to the Ninjette)
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: RAVEN (with "WWF: The Music [Volume 5]" CD cover) v. CRASH - Ross asks Lawler if he thinks Foley has anything to do with Snow's campaign - dammit, if Ross can't be bothered to watch ANY show he's not on, somebody should *at least* be preparing him some bullet points so he stays up on what the hell's going on! I mean, that's just EMBARRASSING! I'm embarrassed FOR him! (Actually, I'll sleep like a baby tonight not thinking about it at all) Crash carries a sign - Raven stands at the ready with his shopping cart - it's a game of chicken! No, Crash steps aside, then WHACKS him with the sign. Crash's sign *also* apparently has some string tied to it so he can wear it around his neck, having it at the ready. Fire extinguisher opened on Raven - and once more. Back up the ramp we go...one more good squirt of halon/CO2/whatever - Crash has the sign again - WHACK - WHACK - WHACK - cover on the stage - 2! WHACK! Raven down the ladder alongside the stage to the floor - Crash following. Back behind the curtain we go - Raven run into a fusebox. Raven ducks a forearm and Crash hits some barrels. Crash draped on a concrete wall which is also the wall of an overflow basin (overflowing WHAT?) Umm, I ain't interested in finding out. Raven trying for another shot but Crash hits a back elbow...then upends a charging Raven into the pool! Trashcan to the head. Crash on a forklift bed - plancha onto Raven in the water! Referee "Blind" Jim Korderas gamely slaps the water - 1, 2, Raven kicks out - and catches his breath. Crash tries a pin on the short wall - 1, 2, Raven kicks out again. Raven gets the heck outta there...Crash has him on a long cart...and taking him for a ride into a conveniently placed big pile of noisy metal poles. Ross brings the local St. Louis humour with a TWA crack. Crash sends him for a ride into a door (which has a conveniently placed big pile of noisey metal poles behind it). Crash takes Raven through the door - Raven reverses a whip into a big pile of noisy trashcans. Trashcan lid to the head. But WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW is emerging from between the semis - he's got a man in each hand and shoving them into a garage door. The NINJETTE arrives at this point, breaking a 2x4 Gillooly-style on the Show - he releases the chokes. Raven with a trashcan to the Show's head, and off they go - Crash in pursuit - head to a semi, head to another semit, but Raven ducks the punch and Crash punches a truck instead. The Ninjette and Raven run - Crash in pursuit - Raven stops to whack him with a sign. Ninjette and Raven are almost at their car...but an unseen trashcan lid puts the Ninjette down - it's MOLLY HOLLY! Now it's *Raven* doing the rescuing, loading the woman in black into the back seat and getting behind the wheel while Molly also gets in the back seat - and Crash climbs in from the tailgate! The car starts to drive away - but Raven stops and gets out when Crash catches him - Crash rammed into a concrete pillar - Molly out to check on him - and Raven drives away JUST as Show catches the vehicle. I guess their match is STILL going! (About 4:11)
XFL hype #2 is cut short by
Kurt Angle "SmackDown! 2" ad #2
XFL hype #2...once more, from the top - holy cow, the Demons will
actually be on TNN!
Triple H loads his injured wife into a limousine and sends her on his way - he's got some biz to take care of. "Hunter, six more days to No Way Out, okay? Don't touch Austin - don't touch him." "I know, I know" "Six days, okay? Or it's six months." "Just go to the hotel - all right?" The car drives off and Triple H makes fuming noises...
Must be a short trip from the gentlemen's club to the arena - STEVEN RICHARDS & IVORY lead out ERNEST MILLER in a raincoat - she's been crying and/or wearing streaked mascara - maybe both. "I don't get you people! I don't get you! You cheer for this girl to take her clothes off....when you should shield yourselves with pride and dignity! You want to see Kat's disgusting, lewd, naked body? You sit there, you SIT THERE and you embrace her immoral ways....when you should be helping us fight the good fight! You think that what this young lady is doing is acceptable - WELL IT IS NOT! And the Right to Censor will be *damned* if this little tramp gets her way! And if you people will not be her judge and jury, then the Right to Censor will. Where is your support, now, Kat? Where is your protection now? I am tired of you. You will t--" Lawler has left the commentary position at this point to hit the ring." "Get your stinkin' hands off o' her." "King!" chant. "Oh, so what's this? You're her knight in shining armor, here to protect the honour of Miss Congeniality?" "No, I'm not her knight in shining armour, but I'm the man that's gonna beat the hell outta you if you don't get your hands off of her!" "You would rather fight for this Jezebel than fight the good fight?" Ivory shoves her to Lawler. "No, I'll tell ya - actually, I'd rather see her naked, BUT...if I have to fight to see her naked, then I'll do that too - do you understand that?" "Well...I'll make a deal with you, Kat - since this...'gentleman' wants to come to your aid, since this person wants to fight for your indecency, and if you let him, we will grant it, because at No Way Out, you will have the opportunity if you wish, and if she lets it, to fight any member of the Right to Censor. If you win, Lawler, then she has carte blanche to get naked at the pay-per-view...and we will allow it. But...if you lose...then Kat belongs to USssssss." Lawler looks at Kat...who nods. "Jer Ree!" chant. "All right...I'll tell you what. You got yourself a deal. And I get to pick any member of Right to Censor that I want to have the match with?" "Yeah, so, so who's it--" "Well I'll tell you what, Big Mouth, I pick you. And just so you'll have a little sample of what it's gonna be like Sunday at No Way Out, here it is" and he pops him with the RIGHT HAND! Play Kat's music! Lawler should have picked Ivory, of course, but he didn't want to look like a wuss in front of Kat - let's hope that decision doesn't come back to haunt him... Hey, what do you think - will we see this AGAIN when we come back from this ad break?
Hey, you don't EAT Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli - you SHRED it
WOW! Michael King Cole stands in front of an *exciting* door!
Earlier Tonight at WWF New York, Tazz signed copies of "WWF: The Music (Volume 5)"
One more look at the WWF title match graphic
Earlier Tonight, Earlier Today Kurt Angle promised to defeat the Rock...and finally win the people over
And now Cole stands with the Rock. "Kurt Angle, the question of the night - you obviously don't get it - is why is the Rock the People's Champion? Well make no mistake about it Kurt Angle, it wasn't the Rock who made himself the People's Champion...it was the *People* who made the Rock the People's Champion! And maybe it's because the Rock doesn't whine about and tell people who to cheer for, maybe it's because the Rock doesn't tell people what to do, or maybe it's because the Rock isn't the whiniest, biggest, whiniest, gold medal wearing ass bitch walking God's green earth! You see, Kurt Angle, the Rock says this: don't be asking DON'T BE ASKING questions...like 'well jeepers creepers - I sit there and I do squat thrusts for sixteen years and nobody cheers me, nobody cheer me, why won't anybody AHHHH shut your mouth, punk!
Because the fact of the matter
is this, Kurt Angle: at No Way Out, the Rock is beating you for the WWF
title, and then the Rock is going ON to WrestleMania. And then, Kurt
Angle, the Rock says this: the countdown is still on. Six days from now,
No Way Out - 144 hours from now at No Way Out - 21,600 seconds at No Way
Out - Kurt Angle, this Sunday night, there is No Way Out. Tick
tock.....tick tock.....tick tock. Kurt Angle, this Sunday at No Way Out,
you're looking at the next WWF Champion, and that, my friend, is true. IF
YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL what the ROCK...is cookin'."
Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit are WALKING!
Meanwhile, Stone Cold Steve Austin is WALKING!
No Way Out promo
XFL on TNN promo
Kurt Angle shills "SmackDown! 2" - again
Triple H shills Metacuts - I mean, Weider Dynamic Muscle Builder
And now, the WWF Slam of the Week, presented by Weider Sports Nutrition! From SmackDown!, Benoit and Angle play "whose submission hold looks cooler?"
THE NEW MAN walks out and takes the third headset. Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight where Austin gave Stephanie the Stunner. H watches this on the big screen and gets all...quivery.
KING KURT ANGLE (with WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover) and CHRIS BENOIT (with WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover & Weider Sport Nutrition brings you No Way Out in just six days!) v. STEP OFF OR IS IT UP (without a CD cover because it was *inexplicably* left off the track list) and IF YA SMELLLLLLL (without chyron, even) - Hmm, I don't think that song was called "Medal" back when *the Patriot* was using it. Austin pops open two beers and places them on the commentary table for Triple H to enjoy. H quivers some more. I think he's trying to give us "anger" here. WOW these entrances have chewed up the time. Rock and Benoit start. Better warm up my "right" fingers. Kick by Rock, right, arm wringer, pounding the elbow, tag to Austin. Open kick, arm wringer, STOMPING IT IN, wringing it again - Benoit tries to reverse, Austin puts him in the corner, into the ropes, head down, kick by Benoit, forearm, chop, chop, chop, into the ropes, reversed, Austin buries a knee. Into the corner, words for H, right, right, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, seven quick stomps, double bird for H, tag to Rock, open shot. Right, arm wringer, pounding the elbow, Benoit to the eyes, gutshot, off the ropes but Rock clotheslines him. Stomp, stomp, head to the buckle. Austin's boot is up - Benoit is put into it. Tag out. Rock holding him - Austin pointing to his tooth, then gets the open kick. Benoit to the face, chop, tag to Angle...who runs into a clothesline. Austin with a vertical suplex. Another vertical suplex. Through the ropes and outside as Weider brings the Double Feature of Angle running into the clothesline. Austin out after him - looking at Triple H - Angle's head to the table. Everybody back in without incident. Tag to Rock, open shot, right, right, right, into the ropes, NOT reversed!, Samoan Drop gets 2. Into the ropes, reversed, Angle manages a clothesline. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Angle takes him to Benoit, tag, open kick. Forearm by Benoit, into the ropes, but Rock kicks, head to the corner, tag to Austin. Knee by Austin,
, knee, knee, going for the abdominal stretch
(!)...and I wonder if he'll grab the rope - why, yes, he will! He looks at
Triple H - and laughs! That's pretty cool. Austin says some muteworthy
stuff and flips him off. Into the corner, but Benoit runs him to HIS
corner, and tags - Angle in - but Austin punches Angle over Benoit. Into
the ropes - Austin caught by Angle - belly-to-belly suplex! Tag to Benoit
- nine stomps before referee "Blind" Earl Hebner pulls him off. Angle
elbows him from the floor while Austin lies on the apron. Tag to Angle
after Benoit gets in one more shot, Angle with the stomp, stomp, six
stomps. Angle with a right...and a tag. Gutshot, elbow, elbow, right,
German suplex...holding on for a second but Austin elbows out....and turns
into giving him a death suplex. Both men are down...Austni reaching for a
tag but Benoit is holding him - but he leaps to the Rock for the hot tag!
Right, right, right, into the ropes, belly-to-belly throw, shot for Angle,
spinebuster for Benoit, into the sharpshooter! Angle saves before Benoit
can tap - now Austin is in and now Angle and Austin are out. Rock runs
*right* into the crossface...Austin manages to tear himself away from
antagonising H to make the save. Benoit stomps Rock and rolls him outside,
where Angle is ready with the stompdown. Back in to Benoit - Rock put in
the ropes, Benoit buries the knee and Rock flips. Weider Double Feature of
ngle clotheslining Rock on the outside. Angle with a huge death suplex -
leg is hooked - 2. Tag to Benoit, holding him for the open kick. Benoit
with a chop - Rock reverses it, right, right, into the opposite corner, but
Benoit holds on and pulls him in - German suplex! Holding on for two!
HOLDING ON TO HIT THREE! That's it, says Benoit - climbing up quick but
the swandive headbutt MISSES! Both men are down - Benoit is closer to his
corner if he can just roll over to Angle. Austin exhorts the crowd...and
they fire up a "Rock E" chant. Tag to Angle - HOT TAG to Austin!
Knockdown for you, for you, for you, for you, double noggin knocker, Angle
into the ropes, spinebuster! 1, Benoit elbows Austin to break it. Into
the ropes, reversed, Lou Thesz press, rabbit rights by Austin - KICK WHAM,
no Benoit shoves him off but he clotehslines Angle! Now it's all four men
in - Rock kisses a right to take Benoit outside - Angle put in the ropes,
KICK WHAM STUNNER! 1, 2, H pulls Hebner out of the ring! Double bird from
Triple H. Austin and H share a few words...Benoit up from behind with the
title belt...Austin must have eyes in the back of his head - he ducks and
Triple H gets WAFFLED! Austin around on Benoit - right, right, right,
right, Benoit staggers into Rock Bottom and Rock covers - Hebner is in - 1,
2, 3! (10:52) Austin
has the belt...stares at Rock...and tosses him the
belt! Rock meets the stare...then climbs the corner to pose. Austin,
meanwhile, is back over to his staredown with Triple H. Angle is busy
jawing with Rock, as well. These four men are involved in the two biggest
matches this Sunday at No Way Out...but THAT is still six days away.
Better put up the credits, 'cause TONIGHT's show is OVER.
Typical pre-PPV RAW - not much for wrestling but the storylines were certainly churning on the way to the (hopefully) payoff on Sunday. How well this worked was probably dependent on how you felt about the storylines coming into tonight. I *will* point out that we were at least spared any Vince stroking (as opposed to SmackDown!) so that was a big plus.
Or, looking at it another way, since it's all about Rock, Angle, Triple H and Austin anyway, there's plenty of room for experimenting and/or playing around with the rest of the card. And that's certainly what they're doing.
Damn, I lost my point again. Well, maybe I'll find it Thursday. Come back then!