WWF RAW is WAR
I GET LETTERS:
Alan Hines writes to suggest that the line I reported on
Thursday as "something and someone to hide you" is actually "start begging
someone to hide you." That certainly sounds better to me... Dammit, we'll
NEVER get these lyrics down! You realise that if I'd never made that crack
about the Rick having nothing on me, there's no WAY I'd have to emulate
him by opening the next report with a correction!
DISCUSS: The WWF had *zero* five star matches in the nineties.
QUICK QUOTES: WWF 14 (- 1.45 ... last year: 11 5/8), SPLN 7 5/8 (- 2 ... last year: 43)
TONIGHT: One night after No Way Out - or is it thirty-four nights before WrestleMania? Watch us seemlessly move from one to the other in approximately 2.11 hours! We know that Vince McMahon & Trish Stratus will take on William Regal & Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, and we know that our new WWF Champion is in the house, but beyond that...well...you'll just have to sit through another ten minutes of Miami Vice!
By the way, tonight's two-parter, "Prodigal Son," is some DAMN fine television. I swear, this show was NEVER this good when I was watching it back in the eighties! (You were a TEENAGER in the eighties.) Well...okay, maybe it was me, then. I'm just glad I have another chance at it! "Miami Vice!" YEAH! "Miami Vice!" Penn Jillette! Gene Simmons! Pam Grier! Jan Hammer! The System! "Miami Vice!" YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (All right, cut it out. You know if you'd get HBO you could write about "Oz" like Hyatte does instead of being an old FOGEY.) Hey, who's side are YOU on? (I'm on the side of the folks who wish you'd SHUT UP and get on with the damn SHOW report!) All right, all right....wait, I got one more thing:
NOTE TO JIM ROSS: Look, are you a *freakin' senior vice-president of the WWF* or not? "Well, shucks and golly, folks, I sure wish we'd ramp up our light-heavyweight division but it's just not happening." No, you don't. You wished you'd call major league football for a national network and you did. You wished that damn barbecue sauce would hit the markets and it did. If you *really* wished the WWF would ramp up the LH division, by God, you'd kick some asses and give some orders and it would HAPPEN. Just cut out the damn lip service...all you're doing is annoying me. And when I get annoyed, I start to bitch, and bitch and bitch in repetitive fashion until everyone ELSE is annoyed. Mind you, they get mostly annoyed at ME, but still...
One World Leader Attitude - TV-14-DLV-CC - WWF!
LAST NIGHT: At No Way Out, the ticking and the tocking stopped as Rock and Kurt Angle met one on one to decide the WWF Championship.
shots capture the action - Rock kicked out of the Olympic Slam, Angle
kicked out (or didn't, depending) of one Rock Bottom but not two...and we
have a new World Wrestling Federation champion - six of one, half a dozen
of another - Rock will face Stone Cold Steve Austin at WrestleByGodMaina.
Opening Credits - why AM I the thorn in your eye?
MORE PYRO MORE MORE - we are LIVE from the Crappiest Airline In America West Arena in Phoenix, AZ 26.2.1, airing live and transmitido en espanol SAP on The National Network, here, WWF New York, on YOUR teevee, and don't ya dare expect it to let up...
IF YA SMELLLLLLLL carries the title belt to the ring to get it started. There's more than a smattering of "Rocky Sucks"/"I Hate Rocky" signs in the crowd, by the way. Just saying. If you thought you heard a "Rocky Sucks" chant last night, if only for a moment, you weren't dreaming - that was Y Pac. There's a rather loud "Rocky" chant...but other shouts are competing. "Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK to Phoenix! And finally, one day after No Way Out, the time has come that the Rock stands right in the middle of the People's Ring, exactly the EXACTLY THE WAY he said he would: WWF...Champion." "Rocky" chant is more like we're accustomed. "Kurt Angle...last night at No Way Out, you showed the Rock two sides of your personality. During the match, you showed the Rock a vicious side, an unrelenting side. The Rock saw a man who kicked out of the People's Elbow. The Rock saw a man who had no problem with almost snapping the Rock's ankle in two. Kurt Angle, last night at No Way Out, you brought it to the Rock...and the Rock respects that. But then, Kurt Angle, after the match, we saw...the other side. The other side of the match, the other side of your personality after the match, walkin' up the ramp saying this, cryin', moanin', bitchin' and complainin'...actually running your mouth. 'Oh, it's okay - I still have my three I's, I still have my milk! I still have my me--oh, it's not fair, the Rock never beat me! I won the match! It's my title! I've never had sex with a woman before! It's just not fair!'" Pause for chant. "Kurt Angle...last night at No Way Out, the Rock beat you for the WWF title, the Rock is going on to WrestleMania, so Kurt Angle...you wanna bitch and moan, you wanna complain to everybody in the back? Kurt Angle, you wanna bitch? Well the Rock says why don't you come out and bitch at the Rock." But it's not Kurt Angle coming out...it's THE STONE COLD LOSER - all four corners...and circling the champ. It's an uneasy stare...and the tension starts to rise. "The reason I'm out here is I got a couple of things to get off my chest. First of all, Rock, congratulations on winning the WWF title last night. Kurt Angle can cry all he wants, but the fact is the better man won, so more power to ya. But I got some advice for ya - as long as your the WWF Champion, as long as you're going to WrestleMania as the WWF Champion, Stone Cold Steve Austin's advice to you is just to stay healthy. All you got to do is stay healthy." Spike the mic, and part the ropes...but.... "Don't leave." Austin is back in and locking eyes. "The Rock appreciates your advice. Stone Cold, the Rock has some advice of his own. The Rock has two words of advice for you. (Suck it? Nope.) Simply put...get ready." And he inches a little bit closer to Austin - the staredown continues - Austin says some words off mic...Rock puts the mic to his lips... "If you smell........what the Rock.... [glasses removed]....is cookin'." Austin can only grin...and keep talking. Rock's music plays, and Austin backs out of the ring - no fear on either man's face. Wait, Austin's back in - and he's got some MORE to say to the champion. So the music guy decides to play HIS music instead.
Outside, William Regal is pacing about - waiting for Stephanie? No, Stephanie walks up and asks what he's doing out in the parking lot. Regal says if he had a chance to talk to Vince McMahon, perhaps they could settle it like gentlemen. Stephanie goes off about how she fears her father, and he needs to get dressed. Regal says he's sure he can talk McMahon out of the match. Stephanie tells him again to dress for the match.
Hey lookee here, it's a new 1-800-CAL-LATT ad! Kurt Angle is walking the nation (or WWF New York) on his way to WrestleMania - and 1-800-CAL-LATT wants to send *you* to WrestleMania! Details available elsewhere.
Meanwhile, the Hardy Boyz are still shredding it to the max with
extreme ravioli, or something
When we come back, Regal is still pacing...
Meanwhile, the Radicalz are rewatching last night's intercontinental match. Saturn: "Have you talked to Eddie yet?" "No." Malenko: "He knows about the match, doesn't he?" "Well....if he does, he does...if he doesn't...so be it." Finally, Guerrero enters the locker room. Benoit: "Hey - where you been?" "What's it to you, man?" "Oh...you got something to say?" "You know what - get outta my face, ese, or I just might finish what we started last night!" Saturn: "Enough, enough! Come on!" "Is that right?" Guerrero: "Yeah, that's right, you know what gets me, man? You know what really gets me is that you let a *title* come between us. My BROTHER - ha! Chris Benoit, the best DAMN technical wrestler in the world. My ASS! You know what, man, I wonder if that's true or not, man, maybe we should find out right now!" "I'm game if you are, *ese*." "Oh REALLY?" Malenko: "C'mon, both of you SHUT UP. Hey, whatever happened in that ring last night, you let it STAY there! You both fought for the same thing - it was every man for himself! Got it?!" "We got a match tonight - we can go out there and do what we do best, or we can kick the hell out of each other right here...right now. It's your choice." Saturn and Malenko ask Guerrero to think about it. Eddie ponders it...and offers the fists. They touch up....but share an uneasy glare.
JUSTIN CREDIBLE & X-PAC v. R4DICALZ CHRIS BENOIT & EDDIE GUERRERO - Guerrero's heart doesn't seem in it as they walk the aisle. Credible and Guerrero start - Guerrero to the gut, head to the buckle, right, right, right, right, right, right, block, now they're BOTH throwing rights - now only Credible, stomping away, pulling him out of the corner into a powerbomb! 1, 2, kickout. Right by Credible, into the ropes, reversal, but Credible lands a DDT. Stomp. Guerrero to the eyes - gutwrench suplex, stomp. Tag to Benoit...reluctantly? Open kick by Benoit, right, into the corner - Credible goes sternum first and backs into a waistlock - standing switch, ducks Benoit's elbow and hits a nice Nothern Lights and bridge for 2. Double sledge by Credible - taking him to 'Pac for the tag - doubleteam in the corner...where's Eddie to help? Chop by X-Pac. Benoit comes back with a kick to the gut, elbow, shoulderblock off the ropes, up and over, hiptoss by X-Pac is blocked, 'Pac to the gut, flippy flippy, but Benoit drops him with the crossface! Credible quickly breaks it up. Guerrero makes the illegal exchange while referee "Blind" Tim White puts Credible back to his corner. Stomp, stomp, right, right, suplex, 2. Tag to Benoit - into the ropes, double back elbow. Benoit stays on him - snap suplex. Cover...2! Tag to Guerrero. Benoit with the suplex, Guerrero with the trademark slingshot senton...for 2. 'Pac fires back - backhand, backhand, backhand. Into the ropes, Guerrero ducks, nice leapfrog by X-Pac, BIG spinning heel kick by X-Pac as Guerrero comes back. The "X-Pac sux" chant catches fire as 'Pac sets up the broncobuster - Guerrero is gone by the time he gets there, but 'Pac stops short, landing on the bottom rope - running at Guerrero, into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker! Into the ropes, head down, kick by X-Pac, free shot for Benoit, hey we're live on TSN! Guerrero with a forearm to X-Pac - into the ropes, 'Pac ducks, 'Pac ducks AGAIN, and Guerrero turns round to eat a DOUBLE superkick as Credible snuck in on the exchange. 'Pac covers...Benoit drops an elbow and sends Credible flying. Benoit drags Guerrero to his corner, then gets between the ropes to make a HOT TAG. Damn, he's smart. Why don't they ALL do that? Clothesline for X-Pac - one for Credible, gutshot for 'Pac, into the ropes is reveresed, big shoulderblock by Benoit. Gutshot for Credible - suplexed onto X-Pac! German suplex for Credible - holding on for two - and there's THREE! That's it! Benoit up to the top for the swandive headbutt...and NO! X-Pac pulls Credible out of the way at the last moment...then rolls up Benoit - 1, 2, 3!! (4:50) Benoit looks at his partner...and doesn't move. Guerrero, of course, was still out in his corner - but MAN, look at that stare from Benoit. Replay of our finish - and another look at Guerrero and Benoit making funny faces as they walk up the aisle.
"Highlights" of last night's Stephanie/Trish match from No Way Out. (Hey, it wasn't THAT bad.) Well, okay, if YOU say so.
The limousine pulls up outside and Vince McMahon...AND Trish Stratus...exit. "Thank you for the...ride." "Well, let me just say I hope you enjoyed the ride as much as I did." Regal walks up to McMahon, who puts up a hand and puts Trish behind him. He'd like to talk about the problems they have with each other, and they'd like to settle this like gentlemen. McMahon said Regal told him last night he knew exactly what to do...well, *he* knows exactly what to do tonight! "The match....is on!" He and Stratus walk off arm-in-arm...leaving Regal to make funny faces.
XFL hype - Rusty Tillman vs. Jesse Ventura - do they think this'll get VIEWERS? Hmmm.....maybe they DO
XFL cheerleaders shill Stacker 2
When we come back, Kurt Angle is WALKING! JONATHAN COACHMAN catches
up to him and asks how he feels about losing the title at No Way Out.
Angle doesn't break stride...or say a word...
MOLLY HOLLY (with Crash Nolastname - and No Way Out stills) v. LITA (with Matt Hardy and WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover) in a #1 Contender's Match - strange, our first match was a heel vs. heel matchup and now THIS one is a face/face encounter. Lockup, side headlock by Molly, Lita elbows out, into the ropes, shoulderblock by Molly. "Lita" chant. Lita to the headlock, arm wringer by Molly, yanking and cranking, Lita somersaults out, nips up and reverses. Into the ropes, reversed, flying headscissors by Lita. Kick by Lita, into the ropes, reversal, Lita up and over, schoolboy out for 2. Lita tries a suplex but Molly blocks and hits the small package for 2. Monkey flip by Holly. Lita lands at the ropes - Crash ponders whether he'll interfere or not but Hardy is over to make sure he doesn't. Lita climbs up to the shoulders - victory roll - 2! Mexican (or Japanese - I forget) armdrag by Holly - vertical suplex. Molly going up top but Lita isn't out - and its over to beal her back in! Dropkick in the back puts Molly on the outside at Hardy's feet - Crash shoves him aside to help her out. Hardy grabs Crash and asks what's up - a heated discussion ensues, and doesn't stop until Molly dumps a charging Lita over the top rope onto Matt! Crash puts Lita back in the ring, but Matt sees Crash with his hands on his woman and starts punching away. Referee "Blind" Chad Patton busies himself trying to get THESE two chaps separated while, behind his back in the ring, the NINJETTE hits the ring and DDT's Holly. Lita gets up and sees Holly out, so she drags her into position and hits the moonsault for the 3. (2:56) "Holly! Keep your hands to yourself!" Replay of...whoever it was DDT'ing Molly.
Mr. McMahon has a mop and bucket full of mud - hmm, whatever will he do with that? McMahon promises it'll see use in the match. Kurt Angle barges in and demands a rematch with the Rock. In fact, he doesn't even care if it's a title match - he just wants the Rock. McMahon asks him to cool his jets - he'll take it under advisement...but right now, he's more concerned with is OWN match...and the mixture in the bucket.
When we come back, Vince is in his "buff" gear...and Stephanie is visiting. She wants to know what'll happen if Trish tags him in and it's them together in the ring. "Well you know what, Stephanie, it seems to me that William Regal should've thought about that last night when he told me he knew exactly what to do, and if it happens that we're in the ring together at the same time, then you know what happens [points to bucket] as the expression goes, and I think you know...what I mean."
Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER.
TONIGHT: Vince McMahon & Trish vs. William Regal & Stephanie! Q: How come the women don't have last names? A: They wouldn't fit on the screen.
Once again we are "treated" to clips of the match betwixt Stephanie and Trish.
Meanwhile, Regal knocks on the gold starred door labelled "Trish Stratus." He wonders if he could put in a good word with McMahon for him. "Regal - after what you did to me last night, you can go to hell!" and she slams the door in his face. Were we supposed to think she was naked behind that door, 'cause we sure got a good view of her (not naked) top...
At WWF New York, some NEW YORK/NEW JERSEY HITMEN enjoy the action.
Also there is AL SNOW, continuing his campaign for WWF commissioner. Vince may be a jerk, but the one thing he does is listen to the fans. If he can get the fans to support him, he knows Vince will appoint him commissioners. Snow promises, if commissioner, more midgets in the WWF. Also, he'd take a few British people off RAW. Finally, he wouldn't rest until Mick Foley was reinstated.
The Dudley Boyz are WALKING! They'll take on Rakishi & Haku - NEXT!
Kurt Angle dials down the centre #2
Big Show barges in on Vince McMahon and demands a shot at the WWF
Championship. Vince says he should be suspended after interfering in the
title match. As punishment, he'll defend the hardcore championship in a
triple threat match...against *both* Kurt Angle and the Rock. Hmmm.....
WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ v. HAKUSHI (thanks, Michael - with WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover) - the predictable appearance of the FUN BROTHERS unpredictably gets moved up to before the beginning of the match - the pyro doesn't hit, making the red lighting look strange and out of place - finally, they just hit Kane's music without the pyro. All four men check out the stage where both men are looking on. But they're not moving, so they go ahead and lock it up. Haku and D-Von start...lockup, right by Haku, right, right, overhand right, chop, right, D-Von right, right, right, right, off the ropes, ducks a Haku clothesline and hits a flying shouldertackle. *Then* runs into a bodyslam from Haku. Tag to 'kishi - Block, right, right, right, right, right, off the ropes, ducks a clothesline, and hits a flying clothesline. Tag to Buh Buh Ray - left, left, left, right is BLOCKED and Rikishi hits a right of his own - right, right, right, into the corner, boot up to stop Rikishi, second rope flying clothesline by Buh Buh Ray. Tag to D-Von - DOUBLE flapjack!! 1, 2, Rikishi kicks out! D-Von with the - yes - right. Right, right, right, right, into the opposite corner is reversed and D-Von hits hard. Crowd wants...Mabel? BELLY-to-belly suplex. Tag to Haku - kick, kick, kick, hundred hands, Tongan dance, HEADBUTT! Death suplex coming up. Jerry Lawler & Acolytes take on RTC tonight - that'll be the exact opposite of ratings death, I'm sure. Karate chop by Haku. Picks him up - backbreaker across the knee. Stomp. Karate thrust. Tag to Rikishi. Double chop! Rikishi to the body - right, right, right, right, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Tag to Haku - DOUBLE HEADBUTT!! Undertaker is plotting the run-in, I can FEEL it. Haku picks him up - and elbows him in the temple. Scoop......and a slam. Off the ropes - HIGH elbowdrop MISSES! Tag to Rikishi - HOT TAG to Buh Buh Ray! Clothesline! Clothesline! "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine!" Back body drop for Haku, clotheslined out to the floor, but turning back into the RIKISHIKICK!! Wedgie up - SQUASH *MISSES*!! Haku tries to get in the ring, providing just the distraction for referee "Blind" Teddy Long so the Dudz can hit "What Are You Doing?" Testify dance for D-Von - catchphrase for Buh Buh Ray - check that, it's cut short as Haku runs at D-Von with a clothesline - and when he ducks, *Long* eats it! Double neckbreaker for Haku (or 3D, if you're a commentator)...but Rikishi has one more superkick in him and Buh Buh Ray goes out. Off the ropes with the DRUMSTICK DROP to stop D-Von's pin attempt - into the corner, FAT ASS SPLASH, OHHH NOOOOOO BANNNZAIIIII DRAWWWWWWWWP!!!! But Long is *still* out, so here comes our run-in - Block, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone....and a windup and a soupbone to put him down. We can't see it, but we are told that Kane is working over Buh Buh Ray Dudley on the outside. Rikishi taken off the ropes, triple spin clothesline! Haku in - soupbone, soupbone, soupbone...turning back to find Kane's choke - and chokeslam! D-Von crawls over to cover as Long revives - 1....2.....3!! (6:37) The Dudleyz are left little time to celebrate - DOUBLE CHOKESLAM to cut it short! Play Limp Bizkit as D-Von twitches OLD SCHOOL STYLE.
In the locker room, MICHAEL KING COLE catches up to Rock and stooges out Mr. McMahon's booking plans. "Michael Cole, the Rock knows that you obviously know how to dress like a 14-year-old little girl, but let the Rock ask you this: can you read?" "Of course!" "Well what does the Rock's shirt say?" "It doesn't - it doesn't matter!" "Well considering how the Rock feels about the Big Show and Kurt Angle...you bet your ASS it doesn't matter!"
William Regal and Stephanie are WALKING! And Steph is *chattering*!
Meanwhile, Trish and Vince McMahon are WALKING! And wheeling the mop bucket. Oh man, they get the cushy top of the second hour spot? What, is Vince WRITING this? (Aw, quit making Delphi jokes - nobody gets them.)
STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT & WILLIAM
REGAL (with RAW credits & TV-14-DLV-CC
boxen & RAW is WAR is brought to you by Weider Sports Nutrition, Castrol
Motor Oily, and WWF: The Music [Volume 5 - get it at Target!]) v.
BILLIONAIRE VINCE & TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL (with mop and slop)
in unwanted, unsavoury intergender action -
McMahon makes the "YOU - ME"
point to Regal. But it looks like Stratus wants to start this match, even
going so far as to give McMahon a kiss to get her way. Lawler: "Just a
kiss for good luck!" Ross: "I didn't see Haku kiss Rikishi before *their*
match." Stephanie hits the ring and goes down to the double leg takedown
and comically loopy rights and lefts. Head to the buckle. Snapmare by the
hair. God, Stephanie makes me CRINGE when she tries to flip into the
hairmare - there's another one. Here's the bulldog...but Stephanie shakes
her off and Stratus hits the turnbuckle boobies first. Gutshot by
Stephanie, vertical suplex, 1, 2, no. Up by the hair - Stratus tries to
escape, but Stephanie hits the DDT...for 2. To the corner, elbow, elbow,
kick, kick, kick, into the ropes, but Stratus hits a clothesline to the
back of the head and they BOTH go down. Strange facial expressions from
both Regal...and then McMahon. Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda finally
remembers to start a count. Stratus crawling to Vince...and makes the tag.
What'll he do to his daughter? Stephanie comes to - then falls backwards
when she sees her father advancing on her. Then she backs up to
Regal...who doesn't want the tag! Vince starts to grin...and Stephanie
crawls on her knees to make the begging motion. Well this could quickly
get sick. Hmm, but Vince has the mic. "Well now, Stephanie...you know,
you above everybody else should know that Mr. McMahon *always* gets what he
wants. The only question is, what is it that Mr. McMahon wants? Well you
don't know, do you, huh - well it's the same - the very same thing that Mr.
Regal wants. And Stephanie, I dare say it's the very same thing that Trish
wants, right? So Trish...if you want it, come and get it, baby..." and he
brings her in the hard way over the top. McMahon addresses Chioda: "Get
the hell outta here - this match is offically over, get out. You're fired
if you're not - get outta here." (? 3:31) Stephanie with a
Trish, who backs into another cobra clutch neckbreaker from Regal! "All
right, Stephanie, get the mop, we're gonna clean the situation up..." And
Stephanie takes the mop to Trish - ugggh. "That's it - mop the ring up
with her, Steph! That's it - mop the ring up with her. Come on, get her
head in there, come on, yeah - yeah - yeah - yeah - yes! Yeah, you know -
you thought, Trish, you were Daddy's little girl? Oh no no no - there's
only one Daddy's Little Girl, and that's my daughter Stephanie - but I'll
tell you what you are - you know what? I'll admit it for the first time,
you were Daddy's Little...Toy. And you know what happens, you know what
happens to toys, Trish - after a while, you get tired of playing with the
toys, Trish. What I'm saying is...playtime's OVERRRRRRRRRR." Then Vince
dumps the bucket on her. Stephanie adds insult to injury by rubbing her
face in it one more time. Father and daughter walk off with big smiles.
And now here's some replays... well, I could have done without this whole
segment but at least Trish's story will advance...umm, won't it?
WrestleMania promo - hmm, they show Shawn Michaels but not Mankind?
How about a look at the exterior of Phoenix Suns Plaza? Here ya go
Moments Ago, I should have come up with a better name than "snap cobra clutch neckbreaker" - then Vince said "yeah" a lot - then I asked myself if this was the first "Moments Ago" of the night - then I smiled
Michael Cole asks Trish how she's feeling - Cole is 0 for 3 tonight, isn't he? (No, that was Coachman the first time.) Ahh, they're all alike.
WWF LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: DEAN
MALENKO (with Up Next on
TNN: a Special Tribute to Somebody Who Died) v. TAKA MICHINUKU (as garbled
by Lilian Garcia - with Funaki and a woman) -
Malenko remembered he still
had that belt? The *committee* remembered he still had that belt? Holy
cow. "You! Dean Malenko! You think you are ladies man? Hahahaha - well,
Taka has girlfriend of his own! Look at her! She is hot! She is
VOLUPTUOUS! But more importantly, SHE IS EEEEEVIL hahahaha!" Funaki takes
the mic - but holds it to his Taka's girlfriend instead. High pitched dub:
"InDEED!" She shoves Funaki away and plants one on her man. She goes
backstage while the snubbed Funaki lags behind on his way to the ring.
Lockup, side headlock by Michinoku - powered out off the ropes,
shoulderblock by Taka. Ross tells us that Angle has demanded interview
time, so if this light heavyweight stuff bores you, just hang on because
Angle will say something funny REAL soon now. Thanks, Ross. Malenko to
the waistlock, but Taka shrugs him off and Malenko goes outside. Referee
"Blind" Jack Doan holds Michinoku back - Funaki tries to do some damage but
Malenko reverses to a short clothesline. Meanwhile, Michinoku has climbed
to the top - and springs off with a ... well, we'll call it a "plancha" and
be charitable. Funaki rolls him back in for the seated dropkick from
Michinoku. 2 count. Malenko mauls him down and gets to stomping. Sent
into the corner - Michinoku flips out of the death suplex attempt - gutshot
by Malenko, into the corner is reversed, but Malenko stops himself with a
boot, turns back around and forearms him down. Going for the cloverleaf,
but Michinoku hits an inside cradle...for 2! Clothesline by Malenko. Into
the corner, follow lariat, into the opposite corner, boots up by Taka -
onto the shoulders - Malenko drops him down, forearm in the back, again,
sat up on top, continuing to pound on the back, on the second rope...Taka
elbows him off - top rope - Malenko with a right to get HIM
stopped...climbing up - SUPERPLEX!! But somehow it's Michinoku shifting
his body weight to get the 2. Clothesline ducked by Michinoku, superkick,
motioning for the Driver - but Malenko knees out of the attempt - Michinoku
up and over, ducks the clothesline, MICHINOKU DRIVER!! But he's too wiped
out to cover - crawling over - 1, 2, NO!!! Michinoku argues the count but
gets back on him - right, into the ropes is reversed, super Thesz press but
Malenko rolls it through and puts on the Tejas cloverleaf...and Taka taps.
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands with Kurt Angle to get his reaction to the triple threat match. "Well I just want to go on the record as saying I *love* this hardcore triple threat match tonight. You see, all my life I've played by the rules - and it's gotten me very far, but after last night's match at No Way Out, I don't feel like playing by the rules, and that's why I like this hardcore match - because there ARE no rules. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, however I want...and the Rock that says he's impressed with me after last night's match. Well I could give a DAMN if I impress the Rock - I should STILL be the WWF Champion, EVERYBODY knows that. And don't get me started on the Big Show - Big Show, how DARE you interfere in my championship match. You wanna make an impression, pal? Try mastering the simpler things in life, like, say, walking upright? You think you can handle that, ya big cave beast? But this isn't about the Show; this is about the Rock. And Rock, I guarantee this: I may not be walking into WrestleMania the WWF Champion, but I'm gonna do everything in my power to make sure that you're not gonna be walking...period."
WWF Home Video presents "Break Down the Walls" and "Kurt Angle: It's True It's True" ad
XFL cheerleaders shill Stacker 2 - or, with the ratings, is it Stacker 0.8?
Kurt Angle shills "SmackDown! 2: Know Your Role"
Snickers Cruncher presents this classic WrestleMania moment! From 1996 and WrestleMania XII, Shawn Michaels slides from the rafters.
A white van is in the parking lot...and as the four men of Right to Censor exit, we look in to see...Kat, dressed up in the standard uniform...and crying. I guess Ivory was driving. And now...they're WALKING!
WWF INTERCHRISINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: CAW CAW CAW (with "WWF: The Music [Volume 5]" CD cover) v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO - Raven tosses his jacket at ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA before she can screw up his name. "Now that I've cemented my status as the great - as the greatest hardcore champion of all time...I've decided to expand my repetoire, the Raven Effect, but before I do that, first, I'd like to take a moment to allow all you fans time to genuflect on what was your personal favourite Raven hardcore moment. Was it the smashing of Al Snow's head with a cinder block? Perhaps it was the turning of little Crash Holly into a whining, sniveling--" Well the Y2J countdown interrupts Raven's soliloquy (ooh, good word, Chris!) and the champ comes out with a mic of his own. "Welcome to RAW IS JERICHO! Now what was my favourite Raisin moment? Was it when you got a swirlie from getting your head stuck down a urine-filled toilet? Or was it when you bought that first pair of snazzy leather lederhosen that you wear? No, my favourite Raisin moment was when Y2J told you to PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP. And as for tonight, junior...it's GO time." Jericho rushes the ring but Raven is ready with a dropkick to take him back to the floor. Throwing him in the ring, Raven stomps, stomp, into the ropes, head down, inside cradle by Jericho for 2. Chop. Chop! Can you HEAR yourself over the "Y2J" chant? Into the ropes, Raven ducks the clothesline, but Jericho hits the hiptoss. Kick, kick, kick, into the corner is reversed and Raven his the clothesline...and bulldogs him out for 2. Jericho put in the corner - Raven trying to clothesline him out but Jericho ducks - and hits the flying jalapeno off the ropes.
Bulldog! Jericho gets 2.
Right hand by Jericho, chop, into the opposite corner, but Raven gets the
boot up - Jericho ducks a clothesline and rolls up Raven out of the corner
for 2 - Raven pulls the tights and reverses for 2 of his own. As Jericho
hits the double leg and tries for the Walls, the NINJETTE comes out with
her 2x4 - referee "Blind" Jim Korderas keeps her from entering the fray -
now MOLLY HOLLY
is out to pull her off the apron - kicked away by the woman
in black - Raven over to grab Jericho for the DDT but unfortunately the
Ninjette isn't playing attention - Jericho's head is down so *Raven* feels
the force of the 2x4. Jericho with the Lionsault (well, onto the knees,
but...) 1, 2, 3! (3:00) She's
gonna try again with the 2x4, but Holly is
in right after her, ducks, and pulls her down - trying for the mask...I
think we see some blonde hair in the rip at the top of the mask but Raven
gets her free and off they go with Molly left in the ring as Crash's music
WWF: The Music [Volume 5] ad - get it at the WWF Shop Zone
Kurt Angle uses 1-800-COL-LECT #3 (I think)
Whoa, a local XFL ad - hope they didn't pay too much for it!
There will be Live Auditions for "Tough Enough" at "WWF New York" - I wonder if I could get Kim to try out...probably not. What, they didn't get enough finalists from the tapes? Heh heh heh
Stills from last night's show explain Kat's presence in Right to Censor.
Backstage, Coachman tries to make a point about abducting women against their will, but Richards stops him. "We made a deal. Kat - excuse me, Stacy - was well aware of the situation. And not only that, she was very instrumental in helping us fight the good fight. So I ask you, Mr. Coachman, was she really being held against her free will, or was she trying to make a change for the better? She will learn right from wrong. She is in a better place now...with us. ... Oh, how I pity you, Mr. Coachman. With truth on our side, what can beat us? No one."
Meanwhile, Angle limbers up for his big match
Meanwhile, Show beats up a metal cabinet with "Angle" and "Rocky" written on it
Meanwhile, Lawler and the Acolytes are WALKING!
XFL on TNN hype
XFL on TNN pop spot
TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ joins Ross for commentary
Hype package for the Rusty Tillman vs. Jesse Ventura feud - good lord, it's ALL coming true
JERRY LAWLER and ACCOLADES (with Let Us Take You Back to Last Week) v. BALD VENIS & WALL BUCHANAN & GOODFATHER (with Steven Richards & Ivory & Ernest Miller) - Richards takes third headset after the Pier Six Brawl moves to the ring - Lawler clotheslining Venis over the top to the floor.
Acolytes working over Buchanan - now all THREE men punching Buchanan - I
guess referee "Blind" Tim White is occupied. Okay, Faarooq on Buchanan -
right hand from Faarooq. Out of the corner, but he pops out with a
clothseline. Stomp. Tag to Goodfather - into the ropes, double
shoulderblock. Scoop...and a slam. Elbowdrop. Stomp - Bradshaw is in to
try to stop it but White stops HIM - so Venis comes in to help out on the
doubleteam. Standing on the neck for 4. Goodfather puts Faarooq in the
corner, but he gets an elbow up - big shoulderblock and both men are down.
Tag to Bradshaw - tag to Buchanan - kick by Bradshaw, into the ropes,
clothesline, into the ropes, big boot by Bradshaw. Uppercut by Buchanan,
right, tag to Venis, doubleteam. Venis with repeated forearms to the
back...but he runs into a shoulderblock by Bradshaw. Into the corner, back
elbow. Into the corner, ducking a clothesline, Venis tries a
crossbody...but is caught into a fallaway slam. Meanwhile, Kat is choking
on Ivory...Richards has to leave to break THAT up. It's all broken down
now - the ring is emptied of RTC folks - Venis into the ropes - Hades
lariat by Bradshaw. Venis put into the ropes, double spinebuster. Tag to
Lawler - apparently, Kat is being dragged off by Richards, Buchanan and
Richards, leaving Venis all alone and an easy target for the second rope
fistdrop for the pin. (3:27) What a mess.
Hey! It's the Rock! And he's.....he's......he's.......hmm, I forget
"WrestleMania X-Seven" magazine ad - is it worth $9.99? Well, there's a mighty unattractive picture of Jim Korderas in there - maybe that's worth it.
Kurt Angle - yes - dials down the centre. #4
Triple H (who?) shills Weider Dynamic Muscle Builder
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: KING KURT ANGLE (with Snicker Cruncher logo by mistake & WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover & Earlier Tonight) v. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW (with Snickers Cruncher Bar presents WrestleMania) v. IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLL DOT COM - Lilian Garcia, standing in the ring the entire time, makes a grand total of *zero* ring introductions. Truly, this is her finest hour! Rock drops his title at ringside, hits the ring to make a beeline for show....but stops and turns to Angle when *he* gets back in the ring. But *their* staredown is interrupted by a double clothesline from the Show. Show onto Rock - well it's a big slap. Well it's another big slap tonight. Well it's into the ropes - Rock ducks, right, right, right, right, gutshot, right, Show on one knee, right, right, right, Angle up from behind - death suplex! Show with a headbutt on Angle. Well it's a big slap. Angle falls to his knees. Show brings him back up - into the ropes, clothesline ducked, Angle right no effect, right no effect, off the ropes with a clothesline no, another clothesline NO, going for a third but Rock heads him off with a clothesline of his own...then Show clotheslines Rock! Show over the top to the outside, where Rock has deposited himself - head to the commentary table. And again. Ross: "I know it's hardcore rules - but get in the ring!" Uhh, yeah. Show easily scoops up Rock and puts him on his shoulder...but Rock drops down and shoves Rock into the STEEL steps and the ringpost! Angle is up behind Rock...but content to watch. No, now there's a shot from behind. Right, right, rolled into the ring, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Angle likes the rulebreaking - no? Block, right, right, right, off the ropes, Angle tries a kick but Rock catches it - dragon screw legwhip into the Sharpshooter!! Show is back in...and bowling over Rock from behind in the back of the head. Show makes the sign of the chokeslam. He's palming Angle's head! Well it's a big headbutt. Rock is up from behind - right, right, off the ropes - CAUGHT in the choke but Rock kicks him in the 'nads to break that up. Angle trying for a suplex of the Show - ah ha ha - yeah right. Nope, nope, Angle forearms him in the back of the head, again, another lift - no - Rock is over to help, underneath the left shoulder - DAMN!! Yeah, you can hear them count to "on three" but that sure doesn't make that double suplex any *less* impressive. Angle, thinking he did it on his own, poses to the crowd...but Rock is up behind, spins him around, right, right, right, running clothseline puts him outside. MR. PARTY TIME IN THE MAIN EVENT is in with a kendo stick to the back of Show's head!! 1, 2, Show kicks out! Rock ramming Angle's head into the commentary table. KOOL MOE DEE is out with his windmill trashcan lids - Show kicks out again. YAAAAAAAALBERT is out...and waiting on the Show -
bicycle kick!! 1, 2, PERRY SATURN breaks it up!
Saturn punches away on Albert - THA 1
BILLY GUNN is out with his Billy club
- breaks it in half on Show's torso (!), then whacks him over the top to
the outside. Yaaaaaavalanche on Saturn. Gunn taking Show to the
barricade. Angle choking out Rock on the outside. Referee "Blind" Earl
Hebner follows Show since he's got the title. Show fires back and actually
has him in the choke, until Holly saves him with a forearm (not the bionic
one) in the back. Show turns it around and tosses Holly into a barricade.
Blackman meets with the same fate. Big kick for Gunn. ESSA RIOS (!) leaps
off the stage with a plancha...but Show catches him and lets him taste the
concrete floor. CRASH
off the stage - caught, dropped. Gunn has a chair -
Gunn, Holly, Blackman and Show all behind the curtain. Holly opens up the
fire extinguisher...and it looks like they're all going to disappear. Back
to the ring, where Angle, Albert and Saturn are tripleteaming on the champ.
Rock tries to fight back, landing some rights on all three men...but, come
on, he's one.
Backstage, the other six men are still trying to get it done - but Show manages to get them one at a time, so he's got no problems. Gunn puts Crash through a table but we miss it watching Show work over Blackman. Rios gets run into a metal door. Show lifts Rios above his head and holds him horizontal against a wall - Hebner counts - 1, 2, 3!! (7:58)
Meanwhile, back in the ring, Rock is still taking it from three men....but fighting back. Angle actually gets a DDT but Saturn and Albert put him down again. Do si do whip - but Saturn runs into a clothesline - then ROCK runs into a clothesline. Rock into the ropes, but springs off with a flying clothesline for Albert. Spinebuster for Saturn. Right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT on Albert. Rock turns back - Angle with a drop toehold into the anklelock!! He's gonna break his leg! He's gonna - no, here's THE STONE COLD HERO to make the save - KICK WHAM STUNNER! Right for Saturn, right, right, KICK WHAM STUNNER! Rock looks ready to give Austin the Rock Bottom (!) but Albert is up from behind - HE gets Rock Bottom intsead as Austin leaves the ring to his music. Just before the War Zone credits and WWF logo, Austin stops halfway up the ramp to look back at the Rock...who looks back at him.