WWF RAW is WAR
WWF 11.93 (-
1.37 ... last year: 13 3/8), SPLN 5 9/16
... last year: get this: 57 3/8 - boy, that market's a bitch, ain't it)
TONIGHT: The Taker meets the Show with the Hardcore title on the line! Also tonight, Stone Cold Steve Austin watches his wife manage the champion - what could it mean? We'll tell you in ten minutes!
Oh, man, "The Golden Triangle!" The mystery wrapped in an enigma that *is* Martin Castillo is slowly unraveled over the course of another AMAZING two-part "Miami Vice!" Can you BEAT this with a stick? No you can not!
In the last local slot before the show starts, AT&T Broadband sneaks in an early WrestleMania promo
One World Leader Attitude - TV-14-DLV-CC - WWF!
LAST WEEK: Debra deposited, Steve Steamed, Rock goes down to the Banzai Drop but Debra avoids a stinkface thanks to timely intervention - yet stays with Rocky in the ring...
DOCTOR LOOK OUT - we are hitting you LIVE style from the Staples Center and transmitido en espanol SAP from Los Angeles, CA, WWF New York and here on TNN 12.3.1...RAW...IS...WAR!
Kurt Angle is pacing backstage! Hooray!
TONIGHT: Taker - Big Show - Hardcore title
TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: HARDY BOYZ (with Lita) v. JUSTIN CREDIBLE & JUSTIN OTHERGUY - X-Pac and Jeff start - lockup, X-pac with a right, overhand right, overhand right, into the corner, Jeff up and over, dropkick to the head to the buckle - another kick, tag to Matt. Into the ropes, double back elbow, senton/fistdrop combo, 2. Arm wringer by Matt, X-Pac to the face, tag to Credible...into an armdrag takeover. Matt with a right, right, into the corner, gutshot out, Northern Lights suplex gets 2. Right by Hardy - into the ropes, Credible's clothesline ducked - X-Pac with a free shot - Matt turns and pops him one back. Meanwhile, Credible gives *Jeff* a free shot, then runs over to axehandle Matt in the back. Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda is preoccupied with keeping Jeff out of the ring; meanwhile behind his back X-Pac and Credible are making a wish on the outside with the ringpost and Matt's tender area. Most over man in the match is....Lita. Tag to X-Pac, doubleteam kicks in the corner. Kick trifecta by X-Pac...winding up...broncobuster. Tag to Credible as Snicker Cruncher provides a Double Feature of...the kick trifecta? Oh well. Credible tries a baseball slide into Matt's privates but ends up crotching himself on the post. X-Pac comes in as Matt makes the tag - double clothesline ducked by Jeff, split dropkick to both men. X-Pac reverses a whip into the corner, Jeff stairsteps over Credible and hits a corkscrew moonsault on X-Pac - all four men in - Poetry in Motion on Credible. X-Pac puts Jeff in the ropes - Jeff with a gutshot, but X-Pac shoots him under the ropes...and into Lita! Matt tosses X-Pac through the ropes, gutshot on Credible, Twist of Fate - Jeff back up and ready for the swantonbomb - leg is hooked - 1, huh? YAAAAAAAAALBERT is out, pulling Jeff off of Credible (DQ 3:19) and tossing him about twenty feet over the barricade to the floor - the hell? Back in the ring - Matt peppers him with rights - then gives X-Pac one, and that's just enough time for Albert to position Matt for a Baldobomb. "How's that feel, Hardy? Huh?" Albert's music plays as Albert poses with X-Pac and Justin Credible...did they just find a bodyguard? Replay of Lita taking the collision from Jeff...and Albert tossing him over the barricade. Not a good night for Jeff. And there's the Baldobomb once again.
Kurt Angle does some more pacing. A black limousine pulls up - aha, it's Commissioner Regal. "Mr. Regal, where have you been? It's about time - the show already started." Regal says he's got to address the people. Angle presses hard for his return bout with the Rock. Regal says he'll take it under consideration, but he's got to go for now. "Make a name for yourself - book the match! Cool!"
With Lita in the opening quarter hour, will they pull another 3.6?
It's still daylight on my coast, as this exterior shot of the Staples Center shows
Look! DENNIS HOPPER is in the audience!
The Radicalz talk a bit about what they'll do to Benoit for leaving their group - Guerrero and Malenko take off, leaving Saturn easy prey for a sneak attack from Benoit. Whoa, he made a big hole in that wall with his head! A quick crossface - and Benoit says "one down, two to go." He lets go of the hold...and has a smile on his face.
And now, the WWF Overdrive of the Week, brought to you by Greyhound! From SmackDown!, Regal takes advantage of a midget on the apron
out a victory over Al Snow to become WWF Commissioner.
Speaking of, COMMISSIONER WILLIAM REGAL is out to address the masses. We note the shiner over his left eye - a present from Al Snow. "Hallo and welcome to the first official day of the Regal regime! Being the WWF commissioner, I promise - nay, vow to work tirelessly for you my friends, the fans! And I hope that you will treat me with the same respect and dignity that I always treat you. Now, I am a man of the people, and if we work together there is nothing that we cannot accomplish. ["Ass hole!"] But there is one thing that the Regal regime will not tolerate - sycophants - a brown-noser, if you will. If there's one thing that the honourable Mr. McMahon has taught me, it's that nobody likes a suckup. Now I know that kissing bums is quite well-respected in this town, but I will not tolerate it. I will make my decisions purely on my own, and having said that, I would now like to announce the first official act of the Regal regime. Tonight, In This Very Ring, there will be a World Wrestling Federation title rematch against the Rock...and the very deserving Kurt Angle. Now in closing, let me tell you what to expect from the Regal regime by spelling my name. We will use the wonder of anagrams. 'R' is for respect. Unlike other commissioners, and they know who they are, I will treat this post with a lot of respect. 'E' is for education. Now I know the education here in America is one of the worst systems in the world, but if you listen to me, everything will be fine. 'G' is for--" the Y2J countdown, apparently, which interrupts at this point and leads to an appearance by CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO. "'G' is for Good God, Regal, would you please...shut...the hell...up! I had a little feeling that you were gonna come out here and do a speech, so I wanted to come out here and congratulate you the exact same way I came out and congratulated you on the night of your very first appearance here in the WWF - let's relive the glory of that moment, shall we?" Hmm, I don't see Sable anywhere...oh, I guess Jericho wasn't around then and doesn't remember it. Anyway, Let Us Take you Back to Last Year as Jericho ruined Regal's place setting, bringing about a hilarious face. "Thing of beauty." "You listen to me, sunshine - I will not have a little toerag like you come out here and besmirch me in my...honourable...time in the ring." "I would never DREAM of comin' out here and besmirching you - I mean, you look like you've been through quite enough already - I mean, how *did* you get that *dreadful* black eye, old boy? I mean, did Mr. McMahon stop short when you had your nose buried straight up his arse? You see, I wanna believe that you're gonna do this job to the utmost of your abilities, but if you're still the same two-faced, castrated puppet of Vince McMahon's that I think you are, well, I'm just gonna keep comin' out here and humiliating you, I'm gonna keep coming out here and embarrassing you, because that is what the people - nay, the Jerichoholics - wanna see! But, since you're talking about anagrams, hell, I love a good amagram as well - that's why I came up with one of my own. 'Y' is for why are you such a pompous, spineless, ass clown - '2' is for because your mummy and your duddy were pompous, spineless ass clowns too - and 'J' is for junior, and junior, if you don't do this job to the utmost of your abilities...well I promise you, old bean, you...will....never.....ever...be the same...agayne."
XFL on TNN promo
What the hell is "WKRP in Cinicinatti?" Well, at least they spelled it correctly the second time...
CHRISTIAN (with Edge's music - and Konnan's sunglasses - and Let Us Take You Back to Last Week) v. D'VON DAMN DUDLEY for a tag team title shot next Monday - Christian decides to leave the ring and meet him on the ramp - they get to punching - Dudley takes over and puts Christian in the ring - he follows, opening bell rings - stomping by Christian, right, right, kick, kick, kick, WrestleMania.com logo, blatant choke by Christian - referee "Blind" Jimmy Korderas pulls him off. Christian back to the choke - Korderas pulling him off again. Dudley right, right, right, KO right - ducks a clothesline, and hits one of his own. Right hand, into the ropes, powerslam gets 2. Head to the buckle, right, right, right, right, right - Korderas pulls HIM off. Christian goes out...then pulls Dudley out. Head to the apron, no it's blocked, Christian's head hits it. Korderas tells him to take it to the ring - he runs at Christian, who drops and dumps him into the ringpost. Dudley back in the ring, Christian following,
scoop...and a slam. Stomp, kick in the back, stomp, Dudley punches
back - right, right, right, ducks a clothesline, Christian catches the kick
and spins him around - then drops his shoulderblade on his knee - WHOA - a
Slop Drop into the knee to the back - 1, 2, he kicks out! Blatant
chokehold as we get a Snickers Cruncher Double Feature. Dudley to the
body, right, right, Christian fires back, forearm, into the corner is
reversed, but Christian gets the boot up - going up top - Dudley crotches
him on top and climbs up himself - superplex coming up - yes! Dudley
slowly covers - 1, 2, shoulder up! Dudley whips, reversed, but Dudley hits
a flying clothesline - big right, right, into the ropes, jumping back
elbow, headlock with punches. "Who's the man?" Blackman is! Right hand,
got him in a Slop Drop position, but Christian punches out with his free
hand - schoolboy gets 2 for Christian! Right is ducked - Dudley with two
rights, into the corner, reversed, reversed back towards Korderas but
Christian stops short as he puts up the roadblock - then steps aside
leaving him to get clocked by Dudley's clothesline! Christian with his
Slop Drop (Unprettier, get with it) on Dudley - then goes outside to borrow
a chair. Daring him to get up...meanwhile, BUH BUH RAY DAMN DUDLEY has
out behind Christian - grabbing the chair - blocking Christian's punch with
the chair (ouch) and there's 3D (Dudley Death Drop)! Buh Buh Ray goes a
safe distance back up the ramp as Korderas comes to and finds D-Von with an
arm over Christian. 1, 2, 3! (5:03) Buh Buh Ray proclaims
Another limo pulls up in the parking lot - Mr. McMahon and Trish Stratus exit. McMahon suggests they go out to the ring and perform a "live Hollywood sex scene." She's up for it. So are we...well, maybe YOU are. I'm getting ready to downshift into "half-ass recappery."
What's with the ghostly text at the top of this Limp Bizkit video? Something about wwf.com? Anyway, visit wwf.com to find out how to win WrestleMania AND Limp Bizkit tickets
The XFL cheerleaders appear in this Stacker 2 ad - do they really think that'll sell better than using Christian & Edge?
Kurt Angle shills the WWF Ultimate WrestleMania Fantasy Weekend sweepstakes with 1-800-CAL-LATT
Guerrero bemoans the fact that Benoit is beating them at their own game. "Eddie, it's not gonna happen, 'cause we're smarter than him!" Malenko makes the mistake of walking through a door where Benoit was waiting - he locks it behind Malenko, then punks him out, steals his pipe and whacks him with it. Then he lets Guerrero in...Guerrero is surprised. "Benoit! What's up, vato?" "It's time. See ya in the ring." Guerrero goes from fear to bravado... "See you in the ring, huh? Yeah. YEAH man I WILL see you in the ring, man, you want some Latino Heat? Well bring it on ese!"
Your hosts are LARRY KING & PAUL HEY,MAN - nice cel phone, Paul E.
JONATHAN COACHMAN catches up to Commissioner Regal in his office - since Jericho likes being out, he'll be happy to book him tonight in a nontitle match. "Well did you have an opponent in mind for Chris Jericho?" "Right to Censor." "Well which member of Right to Censor, sir?" "All of them!" "All of them - that would make it a handicap match." "Listen, you can call it a handicap match - I just call it the spirit of good competition - thank you! Thank you!" Then he enjoys a spot of tea.
Meanwhile, MICHAEL KING COLE stands with Kurt Angle. "With all due respect, this has nothing to do with William Regal. This has everything to do with me getting what I deserve. I held the WWF title for almost five months. Five months! That's longer than most marriages last here in LA. And for me not to get a rematch...it's not an oversight, it's not a mistake, it's a crime - it's a DAMN crime. And tonight, I take back what belongs to me. I take back my WWF title. And as an added bonus, absolutely free, I'll break the Rock's ankle, too. And there'll be nothing anyone can do about it." Asked about Debra's presence, Angle says "What about Debra? Nice lookin' woman - winning smile, great personality...but if she gets in my way - how do I put this. If she gets in my way - I might just have to take matters into my own ("breaking" pantomime) hands."
Earlier Tonight, Chris Benoit took out Perry Saturn...
Moments Ago, Chris Benoit took out Dean
CHRIS BENOIT (with "WWF: The Music [Volume 5]" CD cover and RAW is WAR is brought to you by "WWF: The Music [Volume 5 - get it at Wherehouse]," Castrol Motor Oily, and Chef Boyardee overstuff ravioli) v. EDDIE GUERRERO (by his damn self) - Before they can meet in a staredown, Guerrero tries a kick - Benoit catches it and hits a dragon screw legwhip and we are off. Knockdown by Benoit. Ten kicks in the corner by Benoit. Chop is *ducked* and Guerrero swticehs positions in the corner - five rights, three kicks - into the ropes is reversed, tilt-a-whirl backbreaker by Benoit. Benoit shakes off his knee - chop ducked again by Guerrero, right, right, right, into the corner is reversed, Guerrero gets the elbow up, climbing to the second rope but Benoit flings him off the tornado DDT attempt and into the centre of the ring - Guerrero ducks a clothesline - waistlock, standing switch, Benoit with a German suplex and holding on - Guerrero grabs the top rope and holds on for dear life. Forearm by Benoit in the back, forearm, forearm, Guerrero ducks the chop AGAIN and hits one of his own! Right by Guerrero. Chop! Into the ropes is reversed, Benoit presses him high...and lets him drop. Into the corner, press as he comes out...but Guerrero holds on and pulls out an armdrag. Running at Benoit, who dumps him not quite to the turnbuckle, and the camera angle is unfriendly. Benoit lands his first chop of the match - and another. Guerrero put in the corner - chop by Benoit! Into the ropes, knee buried in the gut. Guerrero's chest is already bright red - ANOTHER big chop from Benoit - Guerrero sits back on the bottom rope. Benoit picks him up - and chops him back down. Pulling him up by the hair - into the ropes, pressed up - Guerrero adjusts in midair and comes down with a huracanrana - mount, nine rights! Forearm across the back - Guerrero putting him in position - but Benoit goes behind - forearm to the back - setting him up for a death suplex - over the top rope to the floor! Benoit sets himself - no way - tope suicida between the ropes BUT Guerrero steps aside and swats him to the floor!! Stomp, stomp, standing on the throat as Sinckers Cruncher brings the Double Feature. Referee "Blind" Jack Doan is out to bring them back in - Benoit rolled under the bottom rope, Guerrero under the bottom rope as well. Guerrero with some Spanish words for the SoCal faithful - and gets boos in return. Waistlock - belly-to-back suplex by Guerrero gets the first near fall. Guerrero pulls Benoit up and puts him in the ropes - drops down - and hits a back elbow as he comes back - leg is hooked - 2. Benoit trying to shake out the cobwebs, but Guerrero is in control - snapmares him over, off the ropes with the rolling neck snap - cover - 2. Benoit put in the ropes, sleeper! Benoit turns in and dumps Guerrero's body the top rope - he slumps to the apron as Benoit tries to catch a breath in the corner. Guerrero over to meet him - right, Benoit right, Guerrero, Benoit, Guerrero, Benoit, Guerrero, Benoit, Benoit, Benoit, into the ropes, hard knockdown, into the corner, Guerrero backs up - HIGH German suplex!! Benoit holds on and hits a SECOND! He's still got the waistlock - a THIRD German suplex finds the mark. Guerrero looks out of it - Benoit is up and saying that's it. You'd think that would be enough but he wants to land the swandive headbutt - and HE DOES! But that took a lot out of him as well. Doan puts on the count - 3.... 4.... 5... Benoit rolls onto Guerrero and drapes an arm - 1, 2, NO!! Snickers Cruncher Double Feature of the headbutt. Both men slowly up at the same time - forearm to the back by Benoit, got the waistlock AGAIN but Guerrero must be tired of landing on his head as he rapidly elbows Benoit - two, three, four elbows - turns around, knee in the gut, BRAINBUSTER - GUERRERO HOLDS ON FOR ANOTHER BRAINBUSTER! Guerrero gets up but is out on his feet - groggily climbing up to the top - not the frog splash! Yes - but Benoit rolls out of the way and he MISSES! Benoit shakes it loose and pounds on Guerrero's back - Guerrero reaches back to a fireman's carry and rolls it into a pinning predicament - 1, 2, Benoit rolls it over and he's GOT THE CROSSFACE!!!! Guerrero has no choice but to tap out. (8:24) Paul Heyman is AWESOME. Up yours, Lawler! Get your ass to a strip club and shout "puppies" 'til you lose your voice - *I* don't miss you! This match RULED and the commentary RULED and the WWF RULES.
On the other hand, Vince McMahon and Trish Stratus are WALKING! Maybe I'll take that last part back...we'll see...
Kurt Angle shills WWF SmackDown! 2: Know Your Role
According to Snickers Cruncher, the Countdown to WrestleMania X-Seven stands at 20 days left! Don't go there!
BILLIONAIRE VINCE & TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL hit the ring with the RAW credits and TV-14-DLV-CC ratings box.
Vince will be on "On the
Record with Bob Costas" this Wednesday - fire up the VCR's. I don't have
HBO but I can get a pretty good scrambled version of it, so maybe I'll
listen in. "Well well well, here we are in Hollywood! You know, Trish has
a lot in common with some of the starlets in Hollywood when you think about
it...a lot of the starlets have a beautiful blonde mane...heaving beautiful
breasts...and they would do ANYTHING for stardom. Just like Trish did last
Monday night, let me take you back - a little walk down memory lane, shall
we? It all started when Trish was in the ring with Mr. McMahon (stills on
the EntertainmentTron) and uh, well, I asked her to get down on all fours.
And then from there, I asked Trish to, uh, speak dog-ese, if you would.
She actually barked 'I'm sorry.' Then from there, that wasn't degrading
enough, no, that wasn't humiliating enough - I asked Trish Stratus to
remove her coat. And I must say I felt like you were a little reluctant to
do that, and then from there I asked Trish to remove...her blouse. And
that wasn't good enough, I then asked Trish to remove...her skirt. And
then there she stood in all her glory...until I asked Trish to
remove....her bra. And did she ever, and that was quite far enough as I
gallantly (as the gentlemen that I am) remove my jacket and put it around
the beautiful, voluptous shoulders of Trish. Now then, Trish, just for the
record, just for the record, I didn't force you to do any of those things
last Monday, did I?" "Like I said on Monday, you have no idea how far I
would degrade myself for the right cause. I would do *anything* for you,
Mr. McMahon." "Oh, really. Well the nice difference between the World
Wrestling Federation and Hollywood - see, Hollywood hides behind the camera
- everything we do, we do live in front of fifteen, twenty thousand people
(Dennis Hopper applauds) - oh, how good it felt, yes it felt so good when,
before that live audience on SmackDown!, Trish and I brought my wife Linda
out in the wheelchair - oh, that was a moment - there, we stood in front of
my wife, and by the way my wife, at that moment, could see and hear
everything that was going on, just like she can tonight, because I made
certain the attendants wheeled her little chair right up to the television
set - so Linda, I know you can hear me, I know you can see me, and let's
just, one more time, take a look at what happened on SmackDown! Ooh, watch
this. (replay of the kiss) Now then, that would bring us to...tonight.
That would bring us to tonight - and I've been considering some sort of
Hollywood...sex scene before you people, tonight. Well let's just say
that, uh, Trish, won't do you, uh, lie down on your back in the middle of
this ring. Oh my. And let's just say that, let's just say that I get down
here and...and I sort of lie right here next to ya, Trish." She whispers
something in his ear. "Really. Well then, that case, hang on just a
second because - hoho - this is too good - this is way too good, Trish has
a wonderful idea but, quite frankly, it's too good for all of you people to
see. Now you see, this is way too good, so Trish and I are gonna go back
to the privacy of my locker room, and uh, we're gonna enjoy ourselves and
we certainly hope you do for the rest of the evening. Oh, oh oh, wait,
wait. There is just one other thing - I did promise you an announcement as
relates to my wife Linda - you see, my wife Linda, she's a - well... cut my
music. Cut my music! I'm not finished yet, dammit - I'm not finished, cut
my music! Cut my damn music! Cut it now!" But the reason "No Chance in
Hell" is playing is because SKIPPY is out - he's back -
and he don't look
too pleased. He hasn't skipped any meals, either. Shane down the aisle,
to the apron, between the ropes - up to Vince. "Hold it, wait wait a
minute. Wait a minute. I know we haven't seen each other a great deal in
the last several months, and I want you to think about why you're out here,
I want you to collect your thoughts and calm down. You are my son, Shane,
you calm down." Shane appears to be twitching a bit. "Just shake my hand
like any father and son would do, shake my hand." Arms crossed. "Shake my
hand! ... Then, just give your dad a hug--" right hand! Right, down,
right right right right right and so on! Shane makes a lot of noise as
well - WILLIAM
comes out and pulls Shane off - Vince makes his escape
as Shane brings back his spear on Regal! Some more clubberin' on Regal
until he realises Vince is gone - then he hightails it up the ramp after
his father. Regal quickly regains his composure and he *too* heads back up
We look backstage where Vince and Trish are sprinting to the limo, piling in, and squealing off.
Kmart wants to send YOU to lunch with Kurt Angle at WrestleMania! After a tray of sandwiches with the crusts cut off, he'll break your ankle! Hit bluelight.com!
Moments Ago, three paragraphs ago - we learn that Shane is apparently in hot pursuit - I *believe* that means they're both traveling about 12 mph on the 110
RIGHT TO CENSOR (with Ivory & a look at a disheveled commissioner in his office) v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with another look at Regal
and the WrestleMania.com logo) - you smell something? I think it's some
sort of vegetable. What *is* that smell? Ah yes...SQUASH. But *despite*
all that squash *and* the odds against, Right to Censor still manage to
overcome and get the win (Venis Blue
Thunder powerbomb -> pin 4:40) and perhaps that
joke is too subtle unless I point out that I just made it... Okay, I'd be
remiss if I didn't note that Goodfather and Buchanan almost came to blows
- this may be important later...
"Hey! Do you have a problem with my wife?" "Hey, I was just saying that--" "Hey, shut up! I'll make it real simple, Kurt, I am the last son of a bitch that you wanna piss off. Do you understand me?" "I don't have a problem with Debra." Austin walks off. "I don't have a problem with you, either, Steve....yet. But after I win the title tonight, I will see you at WrestleMania - the WWF Champion! How do you like that?"
TONIGHT: Hardcore title - Undertaker vs. Big Show! By God, it's NEXT!
Let the Rock tell you a little story about pie - no, wait, XFL cheerleaders Stacker 2 - no, wait, WWF: The Music (Volume 5) - wow, I'm confused
Oh, here's the rest of the Stacker 2 ad - oof, who's in Master Control tonight, hmmm?
Kurt Angle shills SmackDown! 2 - again
XFL cheerleaders appear in this Stacker 2 ad - since we screwed it up before the break
Hey, look! DICK BUTKUS in the crowd!
Here's a Special Video Look at Jeff Brohm - and some other people who aren't Jeff Brohm - it's a little segment that I like to call XFL FUHFUHWID (as opposed to "WWF Rewind")
Commentators shill XFL - well, Ross shills...Heyman watches. If they actually think I give a crap and would care to call and/or write my local media outlets asking them to provide more XFL coverage...well, surely they don't REALLY think that. It's just lip service, right? They don't REALLY think some sort of grassroots movement will spring up from their call to....NAAAH
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW (with wwf.com contest hype) v. --- well, we go backstage to see Taker walk up to his bike - two guys have been working on it, but they don't know if it'll run - Taker straddles it and tries to get it started - "I gotta get me in some Big Show ass here!" No sooner does he get it started than Triple H runs out from a nearby door and waffles Taker in the back, running over the cameraman on the followthrough. When he recovers, the picture shows Taker and his bike on the ground - the bike on top of a leg. "Oww, get that off him guys, that looks heavy!" H pops the two helpers before they can lift the bike to get them out of the picture. "Is that heavy? That looks like it hurts - that looks like it really hurts." H grabs a chair and uses the crossbar to crush Taker's windpipe. "How you doing, American Badass, huh? Huh Dead Man? You're the guy that makes people famous, ain'cha? Huh? Yeah. You know what, I'm already famous. You know what I'm famous for? I'm famous for cripplin' people - I'm famous for puttin' people out. Let me tell you something - you keep screwin' with me - I'm warning you - you screw with me, I will cripple you. I will take YOU out - just remember that - you think about that." And he walks off with his chair. "You better
finish the job while you got a chance." "Finish the job, huh?"
"You better make it a good shot, too, bitch." "Oh, I'll make it good all
right..." But H spies Kane rapidly approaching, shows some fear, says
"another day" and takes off. Kane comes back - "get this thing off me!"
"You all right, man?" But Big Show enters the picture and takes it to Kane
- of course, the motorcyle falls back on Taker's leg.
AHHHHTHECHOKESLAAAAAM through the table! Kane and Taker are left laying as
Show walks back...
1-800-CAL-LATT Kurt Angle contest ad again
AT&T Broadband sneaks in a Greed promo - just in case it's the final pay-per-view
Let's shred some Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Beef Ravioli...bro. Just like the Hardy Boyz.
Moments Ago, four paragraphs ago - if you missed it, you're in luck - they replay THE ENTIRE SEGMENT
Here's a look at WWF New York
Inside, the Acolytes and Jacqueline enjoy some drinks and food and...girls?
Meanwhile in the locker room, Rock bugs his eyes out as Stone Cold Steve Austin catches up to him. "Hey Rock - hey, just so we understand each other, I just had a little talk with Kurt, and if something happens to Debra, I'm gonna whip his ass. And just so you know, I'll whip your ass too." "Well the Rock understands your concern, and you should be concerned because it's your wife. But don't you ev-er come to the Rock's locker room again and tell the Rock of his responsibilites. The Rock has one concern tonight...and that's takin' care of Kurt Angle." "Pfft..." "However..." Austin comes back. "...you should have one more concern, and that concern...is getting ready." "Hell, I been ready."
XFL hype - I see the Demons aren't on NBC - AGAIN
One more look at the Staples Center, where the sun *has* gone down
Let Us Take You Back to Royal Rumble where Chyna "injured" her neck once again.
Our commentators make the obligatory book plug and hype Chyna's upcoming WrestleMania match with Ivory.
Let Us Take You Back to Heat where Ivory accepted Chyna's challenge...and vowed to break her once again.
The graphic don't lie - Ivory vs. Chyna at WrestleMania! My way or the highway!
WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST (with Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) v. CAW CAW CAW (with WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover) - As we ponder the significance of Test in the semi-main, for some reason, I suspect *this* will be a squash, but let's find out. Kick by Test, right, right, right, kick, kick, kick, right, right, right, right, kick, kick, finally referee "Blind" Teddy Long pulls him off. Scoop...powerslam. Right, into the ropes, back elbow and Raven goes outside. Test Diesels over the top rope to the floor...where Raven FINALLY gets one in, pulling him into the post and steps.
legsweep into the barricade by Raven. Both men back in - foream by Raven,
foream, forearm, forearm, forearm, taunting him, into the opposite corner,
follow lariat, bulldogged out, 1, 2, Test gets the shoulder up. Raven to
the headlock - Test picks him up on his back - rammed spine-first into the
post. Raven pulls on his legs, tripping him up...but Test kicks him back
to the corner - Raven with a right, right, off the ropes...Test with a
tilt-a-whirl slam. 1, 2, nope. Into the ropes, head down, Raven with a
kick - Test ducks the clothesline - full nelson - Uncle Slam. Running
clothesline when he gets up - another when he gets up again - pumphandle -
Meltdown coming up - no, Raven down the back, forearm in the spine,
another, off the ropes but into the *vicious* big boot of Test - 1, 2, 3.
Backstage, Kurt Angle warms up - and now he's WALKING!
Meanwhile, Rock and Debra are WALKING!
Meanwhile, Austin is PACING!
You know, it just hit me - this Special Video Look at Austin and Rock which advertises WrestleMania seems kinda ECW-ish in its use of Limp Bizkit for the sountrack - of course, the video is about a hundred times more expensive looking, so that kinda blows the analogy out of the water, ANYWAY
Time now for a Classic WrestleMania Moment! Thanks, Snickers Cruncher! From WrestleMania XII, Undertaker tombstones Diesel to get the big win - Nash was two months from leaving but he had no problems putting over the big men on his way out. Really makes you think. (What does that MEAN? AHHHHHH) Shut up, Lisa
WWF CHAMPIONSHIP: KING KURT ANGLE (with WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover and Sinckers Cruncher presentes WrestleMania 1 April!) v. IF YA SMELLLLL (with Mrs. Austin, and Stone Cold Steve Austin will be on the Tonight show Wednesday!) - Big staredown - Angle spends too long winding up, so Rock scores first with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, double leg, Sharpshooter!! Could it be over this quickly? Angle crawls to the bottom rope and begs referee "Blind" Earl Hebner to "get him awwwwwwff." Rock with a right, into the ropes, reversal, Rock holds on, gutshot, floatover DDT, leg is hooked, 2!! Angle rolls out to try to catch a breath - Hebner holds Rock at bay in the ring. Rock eventually manages to go out after him - running up the ramp and letting loose with the clothesline! Rock opens up the legs - "un foul!!" Angle back down to ringside - Rock after him - Rock puts his head against the barricade - but Angle manages to reverse a whip into the barricade - but Rock pops out with a clothesline. Rock takes Angle's head to the timekeeper's table - but Angle blocks and elbow him in the gut - right, right, kick, grabbing a chair - edge of the chair to Rock's gut! Why is Hebner talking to Debra? So Angle can use the chair, silly! Angle stomps on Rock, stomp, kick in the ribs, discussion with Hebner, stomp....Rock comes back with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, Angle with a kick. Rock staggers around the ring - Angle follows. Right hand. Scoop...and a drop on the barricade. Rock is clutching his...ribs? Stomach? Something down there. Angle stomps on the kidneys again. Stomp, stomp. Picking him up, right hand. Rolled under the bottom rope - Angle back in the ring - Rock with a right, right, right, off the ropes, but Angle buries the knee in the gut to put him back down. Kick by Angle, stomp. Angle picks him up - front face - suplex. Cover - Rock gets a shoulder up at 2. Head to the buckle by Angle, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, standing on the neck until Hebner pulls him off. Angle back on Rock - stomp, standing on the neck and using the ropes - again Hebner pulls him off.
time Rock is back up - right, right, right, off the ropes...but Angle
catches him and hits a belly-to-belly overhead suplex! Into the ropes, and
Angle catches him with ANOTHER belly-to-belly suplex. Pulling Rock back up
- into the ropes - a THIRD belly-to-belly overhead suplex!! Angle hooks
the leg - 1, 2, Rock kicks out! Angle shows some disbelief. Stomp, kick,
right, right, right, right, off the ropes...but Rock steps aside and takes
Angle over the top to the floor! Hebner starts the count - but has to stop
as Rock goes out after him - Angle with a body blow, another right -
scoop...and dropped across the commentary! Hebner and Angle have another
difference of opinion, but Angle is back over - big clubbing forearm to
Rock, who rolls onto where the commentators *should* be, but have scattered
away from. Kick by Angle. Angle puts Rock back in the ring - scoop...and
a slam. Angle goes to the second rope - to the top rope - will he?
MOONSAULT...but NOBODY'S HOME!! Hebner puts on the mandatory ten count as
we watch the Snickers Cruncher Double Feature - both men up simultaneously
- OLYMPIC SLAM!! But Angle can't make the quick cover. Ross has said
"Angle Slam" three times now - either they changed the name and didn't tell
me, or Ross is a loon. Got an arm on him - leg is hooked - 1, 2, ROCK
KICKS OUT!! Angle goes to the bearhug, once again working on the lower
back - Rock is fading and fading fast. The "Rock E" chant isn't helping
him now - Hebner is ready to check the arm. Arm falls once. Arm falls
twice. Debra does....nothing. Arm...doesn't fall thrice! Rock trying to
come back - right breaks it, right, right, right, right, into the ropes,
reversed, Rock pulls him back, Rock Bottom!! But Rock can't follow up
either - Hebner gets to 4 before Rock can roll over and pull on a kneepad -
1, 2, SHOULDER UP! Ross mentions the "Angle Slam" again - did the Olympics
SUE them? Both men are up at the same time once again -
"Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine" by Rock, right, right, right, right, NOW
KISS THAT RIGHT and Angle flies over the top to the floor! Rock goes out
after him - and rolls Angle back in the ring...unfortunately, Angle clips
Hebner while rolling back in - we couldn't tell from the first camera
angle, but the Snickers Cruncher Double Feature helpfully provides a
second. Rock pulls Angle up - Angle with a right, kick, right, right, off
the ropes...but into a spinebuster! Rock kicks his elbow to the side and
removes his elbowpad - the People's Elbow lands! Leg is hooked! But
Hebner's knee is really hurting him - out of position - IN position - 1, 2,
SHOULDER UP!! Rock gets bleeped poking Hebner with his foot...then turns
back to Angle - but he's CAUGHT IN THE ANKLELOCK!! He's gonna break his
ankle! Rock looks at the bottom rope - just too far away...oh, no, he
reached it. Damn. Angle isn't breaking the hold, though! Hebner is
pleading with his to release Rock's ankle - Rock is even tapping with his
left hand while holding the bottom rope with his right. The bell rings
(time limit?) but I think we're gonna call it (DQ 12:30); even though
didn't call for the bell, I think he was supposed to. Debra on the apron
and Angle STILL won't budge - now she actually walks up to him...I think
that's a mistake - Angle releases the hold for a single leg trip on Debra -
ANKLELOCK ON DEBRA!!! Crowd goes *batshit*. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN is
out pretty damn quick and Angle lets go - Austin barrells Angle down,
punches away, then stomps a mudhole in him (and by God walkin' it dry).
Angle goes out over the top rope - Austin directs his wife out of the way,
then KICK WHAM STUNNER on Rock! Crowd explodes - play his music! Austin
walks back up the ramp...and for the second time, Debra remains in the ring
with Rock. War Zone credits are up and we're way too late for a WWF logo -
Ross is cut off in mid-sentence, and so shall I. See you Th--
AFTER THE FACT: Brian Ward drops the knowledge: What up CRZ. I'm feeling your recaps man. Thought you might be interested in what went down after Raw went off air last night.
Stone Cold walks up the ramp and backstage. Rock is down from the Stunner. Debra is stuck in a quandary- should she stay with Rock or go after her husband? She considers and realizes that the Rock didn't give her the rock on her hand, so she hurries off backstage. Meanwhile, Angle is *still* down on the floor. Rock stands up, Angle into the ring. Rock Bottom!! Rock starts to leave the ring, still feeling the effects of the Stunner. The crowd boos? We want another People's Elbow. Rock walks back to Angle and sets up for another finisher. But wait, he grabs for the elbow pad that is no longer there and pauses. What will he do?! Rock remembers he has another elbow! Throws the left elbow pad and hits a left elbowed People Elbow! Hit his music.