TONIGHT: The Taker meets the Show with the Hardcore title on the line! Also tonight, Stone Cold Steve Austin watches his wife manage the champion - what could it mean? We'll tell you in ten minutes!

Oh, man, "The Golden Triangle!" The mystery wrapped in an enigma that *is* Martin Castillo is slowly unraveled over the course of another AMAZING two-part "Miami Vice!" Can you BEAT this with a stick? No you can not!

In the last local slot before the show starts, AT&T Broadband sneaks in an early WrestleMania promo

LAST WEEK: Debra deposited, Steve Steamed, Rock goes down to the Banzai Drop but Debra avoids a stinkface thanks to timely intervention - yet stays with Rocky in the ring...

Opening Credits

DOCTOR LOOK OUT - we are hitting you LIVE style from the Staples Center and transmitido en espanol SAP from Los Angeles, CA, WWF New York and here on TNN 12.3.1...RAW...IS...WAR!

Kurt Angle is pacing backstage! Hooray!

TONIGHT: Taker - Big Show - Hardcore title

But first...

TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: HARDY BOYZ (with Lita) v. JUSTIN CREDIBLE & JUSTIN OTHERGUY - X-Pac and Jeff start - lockup, X-pac with a right, overhand right, overhand right, into the corner, Jeff up and over, dropkick to the head to the buckle - another kick, tag to Matt. Into the ropes, double back elbow, senton/fistdrop combo, 2. Arm wringer by Matt, X-Pac to the face, tag to Credible...into an armdrag takeover. Matt with a right, right, into the corner, gutshot out, Northern Lights suplex gets 2. Right by Hardy - into the ropes, Credible's clothesline ducked - X-Pac with a free shot - Matt turns and pops him one back. Meanwhile, Credible gives *Jeff* a free shot, then runs over to axehandle Matt in the back. Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda is preoccupied with keeping Jeff out of the ring; meanwhile behind his back X-Pac and Credible are making a wish on the outside with the ringpost and Matt's tender area. Most over man in the match is....Lita. Tag to X-Pac, doubleteam kicks in the corner. Kick trifecta by X-Pac...winding up...broncobuster. Tag to Credible as Snicker Cruncher provides a Double Feature of...the kick trifecta? Oh well. Credible tries a baseball slide into Matt's privates but ends up crotching himself on the post. X-Pac comes in as Matt makes the tag - double clothesline ducked by Jeff, split dropkick to both men. X-Pac reverses a whip into the corner, Jeff stairsteps over Credible and hits a corkscrew moonsault on X-Pac - all four men in - Poetry in Motion on Credible. X-Pac puts Jeff in the ropes - Jeff with a gutshot, but X-Pac shoots him under the ropes...and into Lita! Matt tosses X-Pac through the ropes, gutshot on Credible, Twist of Fate - Jeff back up and ready for the swantonbomb - leg is hooked - 1, huh? YAAAAAAAAALBERT is out, pulling Jeff off of Credible (DQ 3:19) and tossing him about twenty feet over the barricade to the floor - the hell? Back in the ring - Matt peppers him with rights - then gives X-Pac one, and that's just enough time for Albert to position Matt for a Baldobomb. "How's that feel, Hardy? Huh?" Albert's music plays as Albert poses with X-Pac and Justin Credible...did they just find a bodyguard? Replay of Lita taking the collision from Jeff...and Albert tossing him over the barricade. Not a good night for Jeff. And there's the Baldobomb once again.

Kurt Angle does some more pacing. A black limousine pulls up - aha, it's Commissioner Regal. "Mr. Regal, where have you been? It's about time - the show already started." Regal says he's got to address the people. Angle presses hard for his return bout with the Rock. Regal says he'll take it under consideration, but he's got to go for now. "Make a name for yourself - book the match! Cool!"

With Lita in the opening quarter hour, will they pull another 3.6?

It's still daylight on my coast, as this exterior shot of the Staples Center shows

Look! DENNIS HOPPER is in the audience!

The Radicalz talk a bit about what they'll do to Benoit for leaving their group - Guerrero and Malenko take off, leaving Saturn easy prey for a sneak attack from Benoit. Whoa, he made a big hole in that wall with his head! A quick crossface - and Benoit says "one down, two to go." He lets go of the hold...and has a smile on his face.

And now, the WWF Overdrive of the Week, brought to you by Greyhound! From SmackDown!, Regal takes advantage of a midget on the apron

Speaking of, COMMISSIONER WILLIAM REGAL is out to address the masses. We note the shiner over his left eye - a present from Al Snow. "Hallo and welcome to the first official day of the Regal regime! Being the WWF commissioner, I promise - nay, vow to work tirelessly for you my friends, the fans! And I hope that you will treat me with the same respect and dignity that I always treat you. Now, I am a man of the people, and if we work together there is nothing that we cannot accomplish. ["Ass hole!"] But there is one thing that the Regal regime will not tolerate - sycophants - a brown-noser, if you will. If there's one thing that the honourable Mr. McMahon has taught me, it's that nobody likes a suckup. Now I know that kissing bums is quite well-respected in this town, but I will not tolerate it. I will make my decisions purely on my own, and having said that, I would now like to announce the first official act of the Regal regime. Tonight, In This Very Ring, there will be a World Wrestling Federation title rematch against the Rock...and the very deserving Kurt Angle. Now in closing, let me tell you what to expect from the Regal regime by spelling my name. We will use the wonder of anagrams. 'R' is for respect. Unlike other commissioners, and they know who they are, I will treat this post with a lot of respect. 'E' is for education. Now I know the education here in America is one of the worst systems in the world, but if you listen to me, everything will be fine. 'G' is for--" the Y2J countdown, apparently, which interrupts at this point and leads to an appearance by CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO. "'G' is for Good God, Regal, would you please...shut...the hell...up! I had a little feeling that you were gonna come out here and do a speech, so I wanted to come out here and congratulate you the exact same way I came out and congratulated you on the night of your very first appearance here in the WWF - let's relive the glory of that moment, shall we?" Hmm, I don't see Sable anywhere...oh, I guess Jericho wasn't around then and doesn't remember it. Anyway, Let Us Take you Back to Last Year as Jericho ruined Regal's place setting, bringing about a hilarious face. "Thing of beauty." "You listen to me, sunshine - I will not have a little toerag like you come out here and besmirch me in my...honourable...time in the ring." "I would never DREAM of comin' out here and besmirching you - I mean, you look like you've been through quite enough already - I mean, how *did* you get that *dreadful* black eye, old boy? I mean, did Mr. McMahon stop short when you had your nose buried straight up his arse? You see, I wanna believe that you're gonna do this job to the utmost of your abilities, but if you're still the same two-faced, castrated puppet of Vince McMahon's that I think you are, well, I'm just gonna keep comin' out here and humiliating you, I'm gonna keep coming out here and embarrassing you, because that is what the people - nay, the Jerichoholics - wanna see! But, since you're talking about anagrams, hell, I love a good amagram as well - that's why I came up with one of my own. 'Y' is for why are you such a pompous, spineless, ass clown - '2' is for because your mummy and your duddy were pompous, spineless ass clowns too - and 'J' is for junior, and junior, if you don't do this job to the utmost of your abilities...well I promise you, old bean, you...will....never.....ever...be the same...agayne."

XFL on TNN promo

What the hell is "WKRP in Cinicinatti?" Well, at least they spelled it correctly the second time...

CHRISTIAN (with Edge's music - and Konnan's sunglasses - and Let Us Take You Back to Last Week) v. D'VON DAMN DUDLEY for a tag team title shot next Monday - Christian decides to leave the ring and meet him on the ramp - they get to punching - Dudley takes over and puts Christian in the ring - he follows, opening bell rings - stomping by Christian, right, right, kick, kick, kick, WrestleMania.com logo, blatant choke by Christian - referee "Blind" Jimmy Korderas pulls him off. Christian back to the choke - Korderas pulling him off again. Dudley right, right, right, KO right - ducks a clothesline, and hits one of his own. Right hand, into the ropes, powerslam gets 2. Head to the buckle, right, right, right, right, right - Korderas pulls HIM off. Christian goes out...then pulls Dudley out. Head to the apron, no it's blocked, Christian's head hits it. Korderas tells him to take it to the ring - he runs at Christian, who drops and dumps him into the ringpost. Dudley back in the ring, Christian following,

Another limo pulls up in the parking lot - Mr. McMahon and Trish Stratus exit. McMahon suggests they go out to the ring and perform a "live Hollywood sex scene." She's up for it. So are we...well, maybe YOU are. I'm getting ready to downshift into "half-ass recappery."

What's with the ghostly text at the top of this Limp Bizkit video? Something about wwf.com? Anyway, visit wwf.com to find out how to win WrestleMania AND Limp Bizkit tickets

The XFL cheerleaders appear in this Stacker 2 ad - do they really think that'll sell better than using Christian & Edge?

Kurt Angle shills the WWF Ultimate WrestleMania Fantasy Weekend sweepstakes with 1-800-CAL-LATT

Guerrero bemoans the fact that Benoit is beating them at their own game. "Eddie, it's not gonna happen, 'cause we're smarter than him!" Malenko makes the mistake of walking through a door where Benoit was waiting - he locks it behind Malenko, then punks him out, steals his pipe and whacks him with it. Then he lets Guerrero in...Guerrero is surprised. "Benoit! What's up, vato?" "It's time. See ya in the ring." Guerrero goes from fear to bravado... "See you in the ring, huh? Yeah. YEAH man I WILL see you in the ring, man, you want some Latino Heat? Well bring it on ese!"

Your hosts are LARRY KING & PAUL HEY,MAN - nice cel phone, Paul E.

JONATHAN COACHMAN catches up to Commissioner Regal in his office - since Jericho likes being out, he'll be happy to book him tonight in a nontitle match. "Well did you have an opponent in mind for Chris Jericho?" "Right to Censor." "Well which member of Right to Censor, sir?" "All of them!" "All of them - that would make it a handicap match." "Listen, you can call it a handicap match - I just call it the spirit of good competition - thank you! Thank you!" Then he enjoys a spot of tea.

Meanwhile, MICHAEL KING COLE stands with Kurt Angle. "With all due respect, this has nothing to do with William Regal. This has everything to do with me getting what I deserve. I held the WWF title for almost five months. Five months! That's longer than most marriages last here in LA. And for me not to get a rematch...it's not an oversight, it's not a mistake, it's a crime - it's a DAMN crime. And tonight, I take back what belongs to me. I take back my WWF title. And as an added bonus, absolutely free, I'll break the Rock's ankle, too. And there'll be nothing anyone can do about it." Asked about Debra's presence, Angle says "What about Debra? Nice lookin' woman - winning smile, great personality...but if she gets in my way - how do I put this. If she gets in my way - I might just have to take matters into my own ("breaking" pantomime) hands."

Earlier Tonight, Chris Benoit took out Perry Saturn...

Moments Ago, Chris Benoit took out Dean

CHRIS BENOIT (with "WWF: The Music [Volume 5]" CD cover and RAW is WAR is brought to you by "WWF: The Music [Volume 5 - get it at Wherehouse]," Castrol Motor Oily, and Chef Boyardee overstuff ravioli) v. EDDIE GUERRERO (by his damn self) - Before they can meet in a staredown, Guerrero tries a kick - Benoit catches it and hits a dragon screw legwhip and we are off. Knockdown by Benoit. Ten kicks in the corner by Benoit. Chop is *ducked* and Guerrero swticehs positions in the corner - five rights, three kicks - into the ropes is reversed, tilt-a-whirl backbreaker by Benoit. Benoit shakes off his knee - chop ducked again by Guerrero, right, right, right, into the corner is reversed, Guerrero gets the elbow up, climbing to the second rope but Benoit flings him off the tornado DDT attempt and into the centre of the ring - Guerrero ducks a clothesline - waistlock, standing switch, Benoit with a German suplex and holding on - Guerrero grabs the top rope and holds on for dear life. Forearm by Benoit in the back, forearm, forearm, Guerrero ducks the chop AGAIN and hits one of his own! Right by Guerrero. Chop! Into the ropes is reversed, Benoit presses him high...and lets him drop. Into the corner, press as he comes out...but Guerrero holds on and pulls out an armdrag. Running at Benoit, who dumps him not quite to the turnbuckle, and the camera angle is unfriendly. Benoit lands his first chop of the match - and another. Guerrero put in the corner - chop by Benoit! Into the ropes, knee buried in the gut. Guerrero's chest is already bright red - ANOTHER big chop from Benoit - Guerrero sits back on the bottom rope. Benoit picks him up - and chops him back down. Pulling him up by the hair - into the ropes, pressed up - Guerrero adjusts in midair and comes down with a huracanrana - mount, nine rights! Forearm across the back - Guerrero putting him in position - but Benoit goes behind - forearm to the back - setting him up for a death suplex - over the top rope to the floor! Benoit sets himself - no way - tope suicida between the ropes BUT Guerrero steps aside and swats him to the floor!! Stomp, stomp, standing on the throat as Sinckers Cruncher brings the Double Feature. Referee "Blind" Jack Doan is out to bring them back in - Benoit rolled under the bottom rope, Guerrero under the bottom rope as well. Guerrero with some Spanish words for the SoCal faithful - and gets boos in return. Waistlock - belly-to-back suplex by Guerrero gets the first near fall. Guerrero pulls Benoit up and puts him in the ropes - drops down - and hits a back elbow as he comes back - leg is hooked - 2. Benoit trying to shake out the cobwebs, but Guerrero is in control - snapmares him over, off the ropes with the rolling neck snap - cover - 2. Benoit put in the ropes, sleeper! Benoit turns in and dumps Guerrero's body the top rope - he slumps to the apron as Benoit tries to catch a breath in the corner. Guerrero over to meet him - right, Benoit right, Guerrero, Benoit, Guerrero, Benoit, Guerrero, Benoit, Benoit, Benoit, into the ropes, hard knockdown, into the corner, Guerrero backs up - HIGH German suplex!! Benoit holds on and hits a SECOND! He's still got the waistlock - a THIRD German suplex finds the mark. Guerrero looks out of it - Benoit is up and saying that's it. You'd think that would be enough but he wants to land the swandive headbutt - and HE DOES! But that took a lot out of him as well. Doan puts on the count - 3.... 4.... 5... Benoit rolls onto Guerrero and drapes an arm - 1, 2, NO!! Snickers Cruncher Double Feature of the headbutt. Both men slowly up at the same time - forearm to the back by Benoit, got the waistlock AGAIN but Guerrero must be tired of landing on his head as he rapidly elbows Benoit - two, three, four elbows - turns around, knee in the gut, BRAINBUSTER - GUERRERO HOLDS ON FOR ANOTHER BRAINBUSTER! Guerrero gets up but is out on his feet - groggily climbing up to the top - not the frog splash! Yes - but Benoit rolls out of the way and he MISSES! Benoit shakes it loose and pounds on Guerrero's back - Guerrero reaches back to a fireman's carry and rolls it into a pinning predicament - 1, 2, Benoit rolls it over and he's GOT THE CROSSFACE!!!! Guerrero has no choice but to tap out. (8:24) Paul Heyman is AWESOME. Up yours, Lawler! Get your ass to a strip club and shout "puppies" 'til you lose your voice - *I* don't miss you! This match RULED and the commentary RULED and the WWF RULES.

On the other hand, Vince McMahon and Trish Stratus are WALKING! Maybe I'll take that last part back...we'll see...

Kurt Angle shills WWF SmackDown! 2: Know Your Role

According to Snickers Cruncher, the Countdown to WrestleMania X-Seven stands at 20 days left! Don't go there!

BILLIONAIRE VINCE & TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL hit the ring with the RAW credits and TV-14-DLV-CC ratings box.

We look backstage where Vince and Trish are sprinting to the limo, piling in, and squealing off.

Kmart wants to send YOU to lunch with Kurt Angle at WrestleMania! After a tray of sandwiches with the crusts cut off, he'll break your ankle! Hit bluelight.com!

Moments Ago, three paragraphs ago - we learn that Shane is apparently in hot pursuit - I *believe* that means they're both traveling about 12 mph on the 110

RIGHT TO CENSOR (with Ivory & a look at a disheveled commissioner in his office) v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with another look at Regal

"Hey! Do you have a problem with my wife?" "Hey, I was just saying that--" "Hey, shut up! I'll make it real simple, Kurt, I am the last son of a bitch that you wanna piss off. Do you understand me?" "I don't have a problem with Debra." Austin walks off. "I don't have a problem with you, either, Steve....yet. But after I win the title tonight, I will see you at WrestleMania - the WWF Champion! How do you like that?"

TONIGHT: Hardcore title - Undertaker vs. Big Show! By God, it's NEXT!

Let the Rock tell you a little story about pie - no, wait, XFL cheerleaders Stacker 2 - no, wait, WWF: The Music (Volume 5) - wow, I'm confused

Oh, here's the rest of the Stacker 2 ad - oof, who's in Master Control tonight, hmmm?

Kurt Angle shills SmackDown! 2 - again

XFL cheerleaders appear in this Stacker 2 ad - since we screwed it up before the break

Hey, look! DICK BUTKUS in the crowd!

Here's a Special Video Look at Jeff Brohm - and some other people who aren't Jeff Brohm - it's a little segment that I like to call XFL FUHFUHWID (as opposed to "WWF Rewind")

Commentators shill XFL - well, Ross shills...Heyman watches. If they actually think I give a crap and would care to call and/or write my local media outlets asking them to provide more XFL coverage...well, surely they don't REALLY think that. It's just lip service, right? They don't REALLY think some sort of grassroots movement will spring up from their call to....NAAAH

WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW (with wwf.com contest hype) v. --- well, we go backstage to see Taker walk up to his bike - two guys have been working on it, but they don't know if it'll run - Taker straddles it and tries to get it started - "I gotta get me in some Big Show ass here!" No sooner does he get it started than Triple H runs out from a nearby door and waffles Taker in the back, running over the cameraman on the followthrough. When he recovers, the picture shows Taker and his bike on the ground - the bike on top of a leg. "Oww, get that off him guys, that looks heavy!" H pops the two helpers before they can lift the bike to get them out of the picture. "Is that heavy? That looks like it hurts - that looks like it really hurts." H grabs a chair and uses the crossbar to crush Taker's windpipe. "How you doing, American Badass, huh? Huh Dead Man? You're the guy that makes people famous, ain'cha? Huh? Yeah. You know what, I'm already famous. You know what I'm famous for? I'm famous for cripplin' people - I'm famous for puttin' people out. Let me tell you something - you keep screwin' with me - I'm warning you - you screw with me, I will cripple you. I will take YOU out - just remember that - you think about that." And he walks off with his chair. "You better

1-800-CAL-LATT Kurt Angle contest ad again

AT&T Broadband sneaks in a Greed promo - just in case it's the final pay-per-view

Let's shred some Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Beef Ravioli...bro. Just like the Hardy Boyz.

Moments Ago, four paragraphs ago - if you missed it, you're in luck - they replay THE ENTIRE SEGMENT

Here's a look at WWF New York

Inside, the Acolytes and Jacqueline enjoy some drinks and food and...girls?

Meanwhile in the locker room, Rock bugs his eyes out as Stone Cold Steve Austin catches up to him. "Hey Rock - hey, just so we understand each other, I just had a little talk with Kurt, and if something happens to Debra, I'm gonna whip his ass. And just so you know, I'll whip your ass too." "Well the Rock understands your concern, and you should be concerned because it's your wife. But don't you ev-er come to the Rock's locker room again and tell the Rock of his responsibilites. The Rock has one concern tonight...and that's takin' care of Kurt Angle." "Pfft..." "However..." Austin comes back. "...you should have one more concern, and that concern...is getting ready." "Hell, I been ready."

XFL hype - I see the Demons aren't on NBC - AGAIN

One more look at the Staples Center, where the sun *has* gone down

Let Us Take You Back to Royal Rumble where Chyna "injured" her neck once again.

Our commentators make the obligatory book plug and hype Chyna's upcoming WrestleMania match with Ivory.

Let Us Take You Back to Heat where Ivory accepted Chyna's challenge...and vowed to break her once again.

The graphic don't lie - Ivory vs. Chyna at WrestleMania! My way or the highway!

WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST (with Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) v. CAW CAW CAW (with WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover) - As we ponder the significance of Test in the semi-main, for some reason, I suspect *this* will be a squash, but let's find out. Kick by Test, right, right, right, kick, kick, kick, right, right, right, right, kick, kick, finally referee "Blind" Teddy Long pulls him off. Scoop...powerslam. Right, into the ropes, back elbow and Raven goes outside. Test Diesels over the top rope to the floor...where Raven FINALLY gets one in, pulling him into the post and steps.

Backstage, Kurt Angle warms up - and now he's WALKING!

Meanwhile, Rock and Debra are WALKING!

Meanwhile, Austin is PACING!

You know, it just hit me - this Special Video Look at Austin and Rock which advertises WrestleMania seems kinda ECW-ish in its use of Limp Bizkit for the sountrack - of course, the video is about a hundred times more expensive looking, so that kinda blows the analogy out of the water, ANYWAY

Time now for a Classic WrestleMania Moment! Thanks, Snickers Cruncher! From WrestleMania XII, Undertaker tombstones Diesel to get the big win - Nash was two months from leaving but he had no problems putting over the big men on his way out. Really makes you think. (What does that MEAN? AHHHHHH) Shut up, Lisa

WWF CHAMPIONSHIP: KING KURT ANGLE (with WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover and Sinckers Cruncher presentes WrestleMania 1 April!) v. IF YA SMELLLLL (with Mrs. Austin, and Stone Cold Steve Austin will be on the Tonight show Wednesday!) - Big staredown - Angle spends too long winding up, so Rock scores first with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, double leg, Sharpshooter!! Could it be over this quickly? Angle crawls to the bottom rope and begs referee "Blind" Earl Hebner to "get him awwwwwwff." Rock with a right, into the ropes, reversal, Rock holds on, gutshot, floatover DDT, leg is hooked, 2!! Angle rolls out to try to catch a breath - Hebner holds Rock at bay in the ring. Rock eventually manages to go out after him - running up the ramp and letting loose with the clothesline! Rock opens up the legs - "un foul!!" Angle back down to ringside - Rock after him - Rock puts his head against the barricade - but Angle manages to reverse a whip into the barricade - but Rock pops out with a clothesline. Rock takes Angle's head to the timekeeper's table - but Angle blocks and elbow him in the gut - right, right, kick, grabbing a chair - edge of the chair to Rock's gut! Why is Hebner talking to Debra? So Angle can use the chair, silly! Angle stomps on Rock, stomp, kick in the ribs, discussion with Hebner, stomp....Rock comes back with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, Angle with a kick. Rock staggers around the ring - Angle follows. Right hand. Scoop...and a drop on the barricade. Rock is clutching his...ribs? Stomach? Something down there. Angle stomps on the kidneys again. Stomp, stomp. Picking him up, right hand. Rolled under the bottom rope - Angle back in the ring - Rock with a right, right, right, off the ropes, but Angle buries the knee in the gut to put him back down. Kick by Angle, stomp. Angle picks him up - front face - suplex. Cover - Rock gets a shoulder up at 2. Head to the buckle by Angle, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, standing on the neck until Hebner pulls him off. Angle back on Rock - stomp, standing on the neck and using the ropes - again Hebner pulls him off.

AFTER THE FACT: Brian Ward drops the knowledge: What up CRZ. I'm feeling your recaps man. Thought you might be interested in what went down after Raw went off air last night.

Stone Cold walks up the ramp and backstage. Rock is down from the Stunner. Debra is stuck in a quandary- should she stay with Rock or go after her husband? She considers and realizes that the Rock didn't give her the rock on her hand, so she hurries off backstage. Meanwhile, Angle is *still* down on the floor. Rock stands up, Angle into the ring. Rock Bottom!! Rock starts to leave the ring, still feeling the effects of the Stunner. The crowd boos? We want another People's Elbow. Rock walks back to Angle and sets up for another finisher. But wait, he grabs for the elbow pad that is no longer there and pauses. What will he do?! Rock remembers he has another elbow! Throws the left elbow pad and hits a left elbowed People Elbow! Hit his music.

peace