GOOD NEWS: It took almost SEVEN - count 'em - SEVEN months, but *finally* I once again have my high-speed line at home. Whether or not this means I'll return to being on time with the reports like I *used* to be remains to be seen. (Hey, what time is it now?) Umm.....I'll get back to you on that one. So, for those of you keeping track at home, Pacific Bell SUCKS, Covad is GREAT (once they get their shit together), and XO's STOCK PRICE IS IN THE SHITTER. Speaking of which...

QUICK QUOTES: WWF 12.15 (+ .22 ... last year: 13 1/2), SPLN 4 25/32 (- 25/32 ... last year: 35 - if ECW, WCW *and* WOW can go under, then what the HELL is stopping SportsLine.com?)

TONIGHT: Drink Pepsi! The Hardy Boyz put the titles on the line one more time again the Dudley Boyz! William Regal's been busy: the Rock is booked against both Chris Benoit AND Kurt Angle in a handicap match! How's that gonna work? Find out - NEXT!

TNN TAKES YOUR CALLS AND THEN CLUTTERS YOUR SCREEN WITH THEM: "Hey, Haku...ever thought about some styling gel?" Justin in Burlington, NC

TONIGHT'S SPECIAL MIAMI VICE GUEST STAR: Danny Sullivan

Does anybody still have last week's Miami Vice on tape, by the way? Specifically the Phil Collins episode and the Ted Nugent episode - I got lots of stuff to trade even though I'm about 48 hours worth of deals behind - I'll make it up soon, I SWEAR

LAST THURSDAY: If you missed the main event, maybe you should go read the SmackDown! report - we need the hits, after all

Outside the Pepsi Arena, the Rock is pacing about once again - obviously because it worked SO WELL on Thursday

Opening Credits

PYRO GYRA - WE ARE LIVE from the SOLD OUT Soft Drink Arena in Albany, NY transmitido en espanol SAP, jam packed at WWF New York, and on TNN (and possibly TSN) 19.3.1, RAW...is...WAR!

WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW v. CAW CAW CAW (with plundah ... and "WWF: The Music [Volume 5]" CD cover and Let Us Take You Back to No Way Out) - Sign in crowd: "WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW" Raven meets Show outside with a garbage can lid - WHACK - WHACK - well it's a big boot to stop that. Raven tossed back in over the top rope - and unfortunately tying up his boot on the way down - I say "unfortunately" because they couldn't improvise off of it and had to go to great lengths to get him UNstuck. Well it's a big headbutt - make it three. Raven with the can as Show tries to Diesel in - WHACK - Show palms his head and shoves him off. Well it's a big shove into the corner. Well it's another whip into the corner. Well it's a big overhead forearm to the back. Well it's a big whip, Raven ducks the clothesline and dropkicks the back of the leg - garbage can to the back of the leg, again, no effect from the Show who mauls him down. Well it's a big running powerslam. The sign of the chokeslam!! But at its apex the pyro hits and KANE walks out, music blaring. Show leaves the ring to meet him - right, right, right, right, Show with a right, right, Kane ducks, right, kick, right, rammed into the STEEL steps. Kane removes the top of the steps, grabs it and tosses it into the ring. Show in - Kane ready - steps to the head! Jack Doan has joined Chad Patton in the ring - Raven over to Kane - but taken out with one right. Well it's a big savat kick to Kane! Clotheslined out of the ring - Raven on Show's back - Show brings him over the top to the ring. Setting up for the Final Cut but Kane is on the top rope - flying clothesline! Raven ends up on top so Patton makes the count - 1, 2, 3!! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new hardcore champion. (3:39) Kane kicks Show out of the ring - Raven tries the STOP sign in the back - no sale. Raven decides to get his belt and get outta there. Kane is in slow pursuit. Meanwhile, Show is just getting up...

Backstage, Raven takes off and disappears behind a door...

Meanwhile, Shane McMahon carries a clipboard...and he's WALKING!

Why, yes! We *did* appear to actually begin with a match!

Moments Ago, Kane unwittingly relieved the Big Show of his hardcore championship

JONATHAN COACHMAN catches up to Rock and stooges that Stone Cold Steve Austin's flight has been delayed. Rock tells Coachman to go to the Albany airport, wait for his plane and, as soon as Austin sets one foot off the plane, to tell him that the Rock is at the arena...waiting.

SKIPPY hits the ring for the interview portion of our opening half hour. "You know, people have always asked me what's it like to be Vince McMahon's son? What's it like to have Vince as your father? And, quite honestly, it's been absolutely unbelievable, it's been one hell of a thrill ride. You know when we're little kids and we're out on the playground, and little kids used to say oh yeah, well, my father can kick the crap outta your father. What I used to say is, my father can kick the crap out of, humiliate, embarrass and buy each and every one of your fathers a million times over. I grew up with my dad watching him do exactly what he wants to do to whomever he wants to do without worry of ramifications, with nothing

Log on to WWF.com for details on free WrestleMania & Limp Bizkit tickets!

XFL cheerleaders shill Stacker 2

Moments Ago, he Pedigreed his ass -

Backstage, Triple H is going one more round with Shane...tossing him out the door...into a garage door - over the limo - Vince barking out the whole time. H dumps him into the limo and sends it away. Vince says that, by the way, that match at WrestleMania is gonna be a street fight. Then he tries to WHACK Shane with a chair but gets the roof of the limo instead. Oh well, can't win 'em all

WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: HARDY BOYZ (with Lita and Mr. McMahon visits the Howard Stern radio show Thursday morning!) v. THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ - but it isn't the Dudleyz entering second...it's EDGE & CHRISTIAN out - ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA starts to introduce them as the challengers but stops. "Hey! Hey Hardyz! You look a little shocked to see Edge & Christian, but...I'm baaa-aaack! Now I realise you're scheduled to face the Dudleys tonight, but you know what? They aren't here - they blew it - so Hardyz, if you got the gutz, why don't you put those championshipz on the line against us...BOYZ? Let's do it!" And there they go, meeting on the ramp - Christian and Matt go inside - whip into the corner is reversed, boots up by Matt, ahhhhhhh legdrop gets 2. Into the ropes, reversed, Edge grabs the hair - Matt pops him one, turns back to Christian, who ducks the swing and hits the Slop Drop knee into the back. Stomp. Overhand right, tag. Crack production team sneaks in the "WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP" graphic here. Stomp by Edge, backbreaker across the knee - 1, 2, no. Kick, kick, stomp, into the corner, and Matt lands hard. Right by Edge, right, Matt fires back, Edge with ANOTHER right - off the ropes, neckbreaker is countered as Matt spins into a DDT. Matt lunges for the tag - and makes it! Jeff flips in - ducks a clothesline, dropkick for Edge, sitout jawbreaker, double leg takedown on Christian as HE comes in - double legdrop between the legs. Edge whipped into the corner...but he pulls referee "Blind" Jack Doan into the oncoming Poetry in motion! Christian with a side Russian legsweep on Matt - Jeff puts him into the ropes, but Christian hits a hairpull takedown. Lita decides to go up top...and hits the scary 'rana on Christian! But Edge is up from behind - EDGE-O-MATIC!! Matt puts Edge into the corner, gutshot out, Twist of Fate - Jeff off with the swantonbomb...but - whoa, ECW's RHINO is out with the gore on Jeff! He's lost some weight there. Edge covers as Doan recovers - 1, 2, 3!! Ladies and gentlemen, we have new - SIX-TIME - tag team champions. Edge & Christian give Rhino a hug on the ramp - guess they know each other. Different camera angle replay shows Rhino showing up - spearing - and removing himself before the ref can notice.

Outside, Undertaker must be running late - lookit that bike MOVE

XFL on TNN hype

And now, the WWF Overdrive of the Week, presented to you by Greyhound! From SmackDown!, Undertaker beats up a limousine, but loses out to the cops

Moments Ago - ehh, you seen it twice already - so they're gonna call him Rhino? But they're not gonna call it the gore?

Backstage, our tag team champions celebrate - they direct Rhino back to the hotel - don't maim anybody on the way. Rhino appears to speak in one word sentences and may be operating at a lower level of intelligence for storyline purposes - we'll see...

Meanwhile, Regal and four cops have caught up to Undertaker - they have some things to discuss. "Is that right." "No, actually, we have some very important things to discuss." "Well I'll tell you what, fancy pants. We can discuss anything you like...in private. And if these cupcakes wanna come along, just tell them to leave their badges behind." "No, you see these gentlemen are here to witness me serving you with these papers - I have a restraining order here that states that you--" "Yeah yeah yeah, I know what it states. That if I come anywhere close to Triple H--" "No no no, no no, you've got this wrong. This restraining order is for one Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley..." "What?" "...and it says that if you come with 25' of that lovely young lady, you will be arrested on the spot." "Is that right." "Yes." "Well I'll tell you what - you tell the princess that she's not gotta worry about me." "Good." "Twenty-five feet, no problem. But you, on the other hand...you and I, tonight, we're gonna have us a little heart to heart. We're gonna get a few things straight. Oh yeah...and I know it was you that dropped the dime on me. Yeah, you snitched me out to the cops last week. Well you know what that makes you? That makes you an endangered species. And in my world....snitches.....they're a dying breed."

Your hosts are LARRY KING & PAUL HEYMAN.

From the airport, the Coach says that Austin's flight is scheduled to come in at 10.

Meanwhile, Triple H hits up Regal for a match - this Shane McMahon thing has him in the mood to kick somebody's ass. Regal starts to offer Chris Jericho, but Triple H halts him and suggests Test. He'd like to pay him back for Regal. "Test it is, I like your thinking, young man. Thank you." A handshake is shared and off goes Triple H.

1-800-CAL-LATT is giving away a WrestleMania fantasy weekend - hurry, Thursday is the last day to enter!

When we come back, Triple H enjoys a laugh at Big Show's expense - then suggests that the best way to go after Kane is to get to the American Badass. Triple H: "Take a walk with me..."

STEVEN RICHARDS (with Bald Venis & Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) v. TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ (with a WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover) - Tazz hits the ring, ducks a swipe, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Tazz goes under and hits the T-bone Tazzplex. Tazz is already poised for the kati hajime? This'll be quick. Whoops, Venis just dumped referee "Blind" Tim White and came in - block, right, right, right, right, right for Richards, Tazzmission on Venis! He drops him and puts it on Richards! Venis up from behind, and the numbers FINALLY take over...huh? IF YA SMELLLLLLLL runs out clothesline for Richards, right, right, right, clothesline for Venis, Tazz tosses Richards, Rock gives Tazz a spinebuster. Oooh, I'm so angry I'm gonna start a petition RIGHT NOW! Guess we'll call that (No contest 1:08?) and now he wants the stick. "Now Stone Cold Steve Austin - the Rock wanted to come out here and say this to your face, but seeing as you don't have the courtesy to be here, the Rock is gonna say it anyway. Stone Cold Steve Austin, after last Monday night, Stunner to the Rock - after last Thursday night, Stunner to the Rock - and after all that, tonight, the night that you were supposed to come face to face with the Rock, all of a sudden you've got 'plane troubles.' Well quite frankly speaking, Stone Cold Steve Austin, you've got something much bigger than plane troubles - you've got Rock troubles. So Stone Cold, the Rock says this: he's out here to say one thing, one thing only. Simply put, the Rock isn't waiting 'til WrestleMania. And Stone Cold, the Rock says this: you enjoy the rest of your flight. You sit back, relax, have yourself a drink, watch a movie, have some peanuts, have a blast, because the Rock says the second you step foot in this arena, your bald-headed, double-stunted candyass belongs to the Rock! If ya smell - what the Rock iiiiiiiiiis cookin'." Golly, I heard more than a smattering of boos in there...

Austin vs. Rock WrestleMania hype

When we come back, we're again at the airport, where Coach promises the flight will arrive at any moment. Spying the Dudley Boyz, however, he gets a quick interview. Buh Buh Ray says somebody cancelled their reservations - they've got to dash, though, because they have a tag team title shot! Too bad they were in such a hurry - I was hoping they'd say "I wonder who did that, GOLDBERG..."

WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: THE NEW MAN (with Stephanie Can't Act & a WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover & RAW Credits & TV-14-DLV-CC ratings boxes)

XFL cheerleaders Stacker 2 again yeah

Kurt Angle dials 1-800-CAL-LATT again

Time now to check the Snickers Cruncher Countdown to WrestleMania - *13* days away!!

Our hosts remark on the issue between Triple H and Undertaker by way of introducing Moments Ago clips of the previous segment. There's something *funny* about seeing Heyman in an XFL cap. (Funny strange or funny ha ha?) Well....just funny.

Coming back "live," it appears Kane has caught up with Stephanie - he's at the top of a staircase and pressing her, as if to toss her fifteen feet to the concrete floor. Taker looks on - maybe it's twenty-five feet down. Regal shows up and pleads with them to put her down. Taker asks if Kane gets what he wants - a match with the Big Show at WrestleMania. Regal says yes. Taker asks if *he* gets what he wants - a match with Triple H at WrestleMania. Regal says no, but acquiesces after Taker tells Kane to "send her down here." "Yes! You've got your bloody match! Now put her down!" "That's a good decision."

GRAND MASTER SEXAY & MR. PARTY TIME (with Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) v. X-PAC & JUSTIN CREDIBLE (with Yaaaaaaaaaaahlbert) - 'pac has new music. Here's a brief sample of the lyrics. "Yo / yo / yo / yo / yo / yo / yo / yo" I hope *this* match goes fifteen seconds before there's a run-in - oh damn. I heard through the grapevine that X-Pac sux. Sexay starts with Credible. Lockup, side headlock by Sexay, powered out, shoulderblock (hey, WOW opener #1!), up and over, ducks a clothesline, head down by Credible, neckbreaker by Sexay. Vertical suplex. Tag to Blackman - into the ropes, Blackman trips him up - Sexay wants to bust one but Blackman tells him to take off. Spinning elbowdrop by Blackman. Credible goes to the eyes and makes the tag - gutshot by Blackman, into the ropes is reversed, Blackman ducks, slides under, dumps X-Pac on the mat, hits a nice crescent kick...then lets Credible get him from behind, and staggers into a spinning heel kick by X-Pac. Sexay in to retaliate, but unfortunately he ends up drawing the attention of referee "Blind" Teddy Long, so the heels regroup on the outside and crotch Blackman on the post.

Backstage, the Dudleyz catch up to Regal and tell him they're ready for their title match. Regal tells them that the match already happened and there are new tag team champions. Buh Buh Ray reminds him they earned tonight's show. D-Von tells him to make good on his promise to be a fan-friendly commissioner and give them a shot tonight. Regal okays it.

Meanwhile, Chris Jericho is in the vacant commissioner's office. Spying his tea set, he takes the teapot behind a curtain - we hear the noise of something being poured into something else - and Jericho emerges and replaces the teapot. Hey Jericho, XYZ! Yup, he finally had a pot to piss in...

When we come back, Regal is back in his office and pouring a cuppa. Harvey Wippleman knocks on the door - he's got some urgent news for Regal. Regal brushes him off, saying he's had a horrendous day and all he wants to do is sit and drink a nice cup of tea. "Shut up! Bugger off! Bugger off!" Regal takes a sip - makes a face - takes another sip - takes a sniff - and makes ANOTHER face. "Rother taught." He's a Neu! fan?

As IVORY brings a Chyna cardboard cutout to the ring, Ross shills the WrestleMania/Limp Bizkit contest on wwf.com. "Thank you! My friend Chyna - she looks great, doesn't she? Actually I think she looks just as phony as ever. Yep. (knocks on her) Dumb as a board, too. Unfortunately, little miss Chyna won't be competing at WrestleMania 17 this year - yep. After I broke her neck, and sent her to the hospital, well she's just never been the same. SHUT UP! SHUT UP! You really just haven't been around much lately, have you, little one. And the gall of YOU challenging ME to a match at WrestleMania - well that one really surprised me. You know Chyna, there's nothing more than I would love to do than to humiliate you again in front of the entire world at our biggest pay-per-view event - but I'm not like that. I am a nice, caring, loving, civilised individual. I have something here for you to see, Chyna - yep, this here - this is a legal document that states, well it's a release that states that if you get hurt at WrestleMania, it's not anyone's responsibility, it's your own fault - so all you gotta do is sign this, Chyna. So whaddaya say, huh? Ha! No comment! And I guess you really can't write either, huh? So once again you let down the people...and you rob me of what would have been the greatest achievement of my career. So you know what I'm gonna do? For my fans, tonight - I'm gonna give you all a little sample of what would have been at WrestleMania--" and she clotheslines the cutout. Right, right, stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp, throat on the rope, camel clutch, rips her head off...ohhhh the piledriver - she bounces nicely. Oh look here's THAT SLUT CHYNA come back to kill us all. Gutshot for Ivory - DDT! She takes the release...and signs it. GOODFATHER & BALD VENIS are out...a bit too late. Play her music! Hmm, I wonder where the other guys are as Chyna backs up the ramp...apparently, nowhere around here. Here's a replay.

In his office, MICHAEL KING COLE catches up to the commissioner. "I have just been informed that a travesty has taken place! Things have got to change here - you cannot go around threatening the daughter of the owner of the World Wrestling Federation, you cannot besmirch - SOIL - the commissioner's tea! I have made a decision - at WrestleMania, Chris Jericho will be facing myself (William Regal), and just to show you how strong my convictions are, tonight Chris Jericho will also partner the Rock against Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit - and I will be their partner. Go away, please."

Hey, look, TNN spelled "Cincinnati" correctly this week

Here's a look at the marquee of the Pepsi Arena

Here's a look at the XFL - and the EVIL, EVIL MEDIA

Our commentators chat for a bit

At the airport, Coach has finally found Steve Austin...and Debra. After relaying Rock's message, Austin replies: "You just got that man's ass whupped - and while I'm at it, why don't you stay here and get my bags for me." But the joke's on *him* - HE didn't give Coach his CLAIM CHECK! HAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ (with RAW is WAR is brought to you by Uncle Ben's MiniBowl, Castrol Motor Oily and Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli!) v. EDGE & CHRISTIAN (with Earlier Tonight) - Buh Buh Ray pulls in Christian by his hair and brings him in the hard way - shot for Edge to keep him on the outside - Christian into the ropes, double flapjack. D-Von stays in as Buh Buh Ray goes out - right hand, off the ropes with the shoulderblock, into the ropes with a powerslam - now repeatedly ramming his head into the mat instead of going for the pin. Edge trying to come in - D-Von heads him off and he drops to the floor. Back to Christian, who goes to the eyes and tosse him out. Edge runs him into the barricade - again - back up to the apron before referee "Blind" Tim White turns around. Christian brings D-Von in - stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, tag. Open shot for Edge, snapmares him over, right, right, right, right, every shot to the head. Neckbreaker, hooks the leg, 2. Repeated punches and forearms to the back, tag to Christian. Right hand. Right by D-Von, right, Christian with a knee, in the corner, right, blatant choke. Head to the turnbuckle, daring Buh Buh Ray to come in while Edge chokes him behind the ref's back. Tag to Edge - D-Von eats a standing dropkick (nice) for 2. Tag to Christian - right by D-Von, right, Christian with an elbow in the mush, whip into the corner is reversed, Christian puts a boot up and goes up to the second rope - D-Von manages a clothesline to counter his double sledge attempt. Both men down - both men tag! Clothesline by Buh Buh Ray! Clothesline! Shot for Christian - hot shot for Edge - Christian has a chair, but Buh Buh Ray punches him away - into the ropes, big back body drop. Edge gets a sidewalk slam - Christian breaks it up at 2. All four men in now - Edge dumps D-Von and tries the spear - but hits Christian! Buh Buh Ray tosses Edge - Christian gets slammed - "What are you doing?" spot. Testify dance. D-Von, Betty Grable. Edge dropkicks the table and D-Von goes down. Meanwhile, Christian hits a Slop Drop on Buh Buh Ray, but White is outside, ready to DQ everybody. Holy crap, ECW's LITTLE SPIKE DUDLEY just marched out to the ring, dropkicked the chair into Christian's face, and just hit ACID DROP ACID DROP ACID DROP onto the chair! Spike's out and back up the ramp - but not before giving a Spike wave. Edge can't believe what he's seen - and he can't believe he kept his back turned to the Dudleyz long enough to fall into 3D (Dudley Death Drop)! D-Von covers - 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, for the second time tonight we have new tag team champions. (4:57) D-Von and Buh Buh Ray quickly run up the ramp for a happy family reunion.

XFL on NBC hype

Moments Ago, a lotta stuff happened - it was truly... "a Nitro moment"

Kurt Angle & Chris Benoit are WALKING! Angle stops to remind him that their job is to get to the Rock - he suggests using "that move that kinda puts pressure on the nose" to set up his anklelock. Benoit regards this strategy with a modicum of amusement. "Whoa whoa whoa whoa...you want me to put on the crossface to set up the anklelock?" "Now you're getting it...let's go." "Yeah...let's go."

Here's a look at Times Square.

Inside WWF New York, Eddie Guerrero enjoys some Latino food - I think. We learn that he'll take on Test for the Euro strap at WrestleMania - wow, matches are just coming out of the woodwork tonight, aren't they?

WILLIAM REGAL (with Snickers Cruncher presents WrestleMania X-Seven in just thirteen days!) and CHRIS BENOIT (with "WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover) and KING KURT ANGLE v. AD BREAK

WrestleMania ad

WILLIAM REGAL & CHRIS BENOIT & KING KURT ANGLE v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO and IF YA SMELLLLLLLLL DOT COM (with the WrestleMania.com logo) - We are *rapidly* running out of time here. And yet, Jericho wants some mic time. I'm thinking this is gonna be another non-match here. "Regal, I know you claim to be an expert on the English language, so I thought that tonight would be a *golden* opportunity (no pun intended) to try and figure out just what your favourite letter in the English alphabet really is. Is it A? ("No!") Is it B? ("No!") Is it CDEFGHIJKL? ("No!") MNO? ("No!") I think, especially after tonight, that your favourite letter is ("P!") the letter P!" This promo has also been brought to you by the number 3 - as in, there are less than three minutes before the overrun. Regal and Jericho are going to start - duck, right, right, right, into the corner is reversed, but Jericho hits a clotehsline out, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, head down, kick, bulldog, leg is hooked, it's over! GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY! Just kidding, 2. Right, Regal reverses a whip, buries a knee, hits a left, and tags Benoit. Benoit runs into a Rock-esque belly-to-belly disguised as a hiplock, head to the buckle, tag to Rock. Right, right, right, into the ropes, back elbow, right, into the ropes, reversed, knee in the gut by Benoit flips him. Benoit with an elbow - into the ropes, another knee, another flip by the Rock. Tag to Angle. Right hand by Angle, into the ropes, but he flies off with a clothesline. Angle runs into a Samoan Drop...for 2. Head to the boot, tag to Jericho, chop, chop, into the ropes, reversed, ducks the clothesline, flying jalapeno!

AFTER THE FACT: Gene the Genius left me this message on AIM while I was typing this up - all right!

Boy Howdy...Gene was 6th row RAW, and had I taken notes I could have provided better information...but the capsule version:

dark matches had Taka going over somebody, Bo Dupp beating Scott Vick (who did in fact bust out a springboard back elbow), a Haku squash, a Billy Gunn squash, and a SWEET NUTS Acolytes squash. Bradshaw's first move was a god damned cross arm breaker.

During the show...Rhino charged right past us....bumped the beer man and got beer all over my pants.

After the show, Austin sloooowly got up, and downed by my count 17 beers. He toured the entire arena, posing several times on each turnbuckle...took about 15 minutes. He threatened some sort of WWF employee, then shared a beer with a member of 'security' who looked an awful lot like Mideon.