WWF RAW is WAR
I GET LETTERS:
The debate rages on - several readers (or, as I like to
call them, "smartasses") waited until after I'd put up the SmackDown!
report, then mailed in suggestions of "acrostic" in place of Regal's
"anagram" and my own alternative of "acronym." I will now stop taking
letters on the subject...or, at least, *talking* about them.
GOOD NEWS: It took almost SEVEN - count 'em - SEVEN months, but *finally* I once again have my high-speed line at home. Whether or not this means I'll return to being on time with the reports like I *used* to be remains to be seen. (Hey, what time is it now?) Umm.....I'll get back to you on that one. So, for those of you keeping track at home, Pacific Bell SUCKS, Covad is GREAT (once they get their shit together), and XO's STOCK PRICE IS IN THE SHITTER. Speaking of which...
QUICK QUOTES: WWF 12.15 (+ .22 ... last year: 13 1/2), SPLN 4 25/32 (- 25/32 ... last year: 35 - if ECW, WCW *and* WOW can go under, then what the HELL is stopping SportsLine.com?)
TONIGHT: Drink Pepsi! The Hardy Boyz put the titles on the line one more time again the Dudley Boyz! William Regal's been busy: the Rock is booked against both Chris Benoit AND Kurt Angle in a handicap match! How's that gonna work? Find out - NEXT!
TNN TAKES YOUR CALLS AND THEN CLUTTERS YOUR SCREEN WITH THEM: "Hey, Haku...ever thought about some styling gel?" Justin in Burlington, NC
TONIGHT'S SPECIAL MIAMI VICE GUEST STAR: Danny Sullivan
Does anybody still have last week's Miami Vice on tape, by the way? Specifically the Phil Collins episode and the Ted Nugent episode - I got lots of stuff to trade even though I'm about 48 hours worth of deals behind - I'll make it up soon, I SWEAR
TV-14-DLV-CC One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
LAST THURSDAY: If you missed the main event, maybe you should go read the SmackDown! report - we need the hits, after all
Outside the Pepsi Arena, the Rock is pacing about once again - obviously because it worked SO WELL on Thursday
PYRO GYRA - WE ARE LIVE from the SOLD OUT Soft Drink Arena in Albany, NY transmitido en espanol SAP, jam packed at WWF New York, and on TNN (and possibly TSN) 19.3.1, RAW...is...WAR!
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW v. CAW CAW CAW (with plundah ... and "WWF: The Music [Volume 5]" CD cover and Let Us Take You Back to No Way Out) - Sign in crowd: "WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW" Raven meets Show outside with a garbage can lid - WHACK - WHACK - well it's a big boot to stop that. Raven tossed back in over the top rope - and unfortunately tying up his boot on the way down - I say "unfortunately" because they couldn't improvise off of it and had to go to great lengths to get him UNstuck. Well it's a big headbutt - make it three. Raven with the can as Show tries to Diesel in - WHACK - Show palms his head and shoves him off. Well it's a big shove into the corner. Well it's another whip into the corner. Well it's a big overhead forearm to the back. Well it's a big whip, Raven ducks the clothesline and dropkicks the back of the leg - garbage can to the back of the leg, again, no effect from the Show who mauls him down. Well it's a big running powerslam. The sign of the chokeslam!! But at its apex the pyro hits and KANE walks out, music blaring. Show leaves the ring to meet him - right, right, right, right, Show with a right, right, Kane ducks, right, kick, right, rammed into the STEEL steps. Kane removes the top of the steps, grabs it and tosses it into the ring. Show in - Kane ready - steps to the head! Jack Doan has joined Chad Patton in the ring - Raven over to Kane - but taken out with one right. Well it's a big savat kick to Kane! Clotheslined out of the ring - Raven on Show's back - Show brings him over the top to the ring. Setting up for the Final Cut but Kane is on the top rope - flying clothesline! Raven ends up on top so Patton makes the count - 1, 2, 3!! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new hardcore champion. (3:39) Kane kicks Show out of the ring - Raven tries the STOP sign in the back - no sale. Raven decides to get his belt and get outta there. Kane is in slow pursuit. Meanwhile, Show is just getting up...
Backstage, Raven takes off and disappears behind a door...
Meanwhile, Shane McMahon carries a clipboard...and he's WALKING!
Why, yes! We *did* appear to actually begin with a match!
Moments Ago, Kane unwittingly relieved the Big Show of his hardcore championship
JONATHAN COACHMAN catches up to Rock and stooges that Stone Cold Steve Austin's flight has been delayed. Rock tells Coachman to go to the Albany airport, wait for his plane and, as soon as Austin sets one foot off the plane, to tell him that the Rock is at the arena...waiting.
SKIPPY hits the ring for the interview portion of our opening half hour. "You know, people have always asked me what's it like to be Vince McMahon's son? What's it like to have Vince as your father? And, quite honestly, it's been absolutely unbelievable, it's been one hell of a thrill ride. You know when we're little kids and we're out on the playground, and little kids used to say oh yeah, well, my father can kick the crap outta your father. What I used to say is, my father can kick the crap out of, humiliate, embarrass and buy each and every one of your fathers a million times over. I grew up with my dad watching him do exactly what he wants to do to whomever he wants to do without worry of ramifications, with nothing
- and I've been there every step of the way with him every
single step, side by side, until recently of course. It's not like people
haven't tried to stop him - Stone Cold Steve Austin himself couldn't stop
my father...the World Wrestling Federation champion the Rock couldn't stop
Vince...Mick Foley, not even Billionaire Ted Turner could stop my pop. You
know, but there comes a time where things do have to stop, and it didn't
dawn on me until he other night when I was watching an interview with my
father being down by Bob Costas. And what my father said to Bob is...'Do
you want to play, Bob? Do you really want to play, because I can play, I
can play with the best of 'em!' And then all of a sudden, it hit me. So
my question to you Dad is, do you wanna play? Do you wanna play with me?
Because in my hand is a contract for us to play on the biggest playground
in this industry...that's right, Dad: I'm challenging you to a match at
WrestleMania. So if you got the grapefruits, why don't you come down here
and accept my challenge, because once WrestleMania is all said and done,
people won't be asking me what's it like to be Vince McMahon's son, no no -
they're gonna be asking you, Dad, what's it like to be the father of Shane
McMahon?" But the response isn't from Vince...it's from
ACT, complete with fresh crappy permy
extensions. "Shane...Shane, you
really don't wanna do this. Doesn't our family have enough problems as it
is? You're gonna challenge Dad to a match at WrestleMania? Shane,
listen...I know you're upset about Mom. But...don't you understand that
Dad is only doing this because he loves us? Dad is doing this for our own
good - now, rip up that contract! RIP IT UP!" "Slut!" Shane invites her
out. "Shane...think about the money! Think about all the inheritance - I
mean Shane, everything we've been through - you're gonna just throw it all
away?" Umm, wouldn't it be a bigger share for HER if he got disinherited?
If she only had a brain. "Shane...we should be one big happy family." And
now, BILLIONAIRE VINCE & TRISH STRATUS
- THE FITNESS MODEL are out -
stopping at the top of the ramp. "You know, Shane McMahon...I can only
think of one thing right now...I can only think... ["Ass hole!"] ...that's
not what I was thinking about. I can only think, Shane, of your dear old
mother sitting there in the wheelchair at this very moment (as I have
instructed) sitting there in her comatose state, watching you in the ring."
Vince provides a pantomimed facsimile. "And I don't think she's very proud
of you, Shane. What kind of human being are you? A son would challegne a
father to a match? What kinda son are you? Let me remind you - you tried
me when you were 16. You tried me when you were 18. You even tried again
when you were 24. But the one thing you've gotta remember is...I'M VINCE
McMAHON. So, Trish, why don't you do me a favour and go on down and bring
that contract right back up here and I'll just sign it for ya..." Trish
heads down to ringside, where Shane hands her the contract through the
ropes. "Are you really sure this is what you want, Shane?" "That's what I
want - sign it!" "Well I tell you what...I'll tell you what...(starting
down the ramp) I've never backed down from a challenge in my life!" "Good,
bring it on, let's go! Bring it on!" "Well if you wanna stoop - if you
wanna stoop to depths of which you've never stooped before, you oughta
know, you're playing with the wrong man!" "You have the grapefruits, let's
go!" "All right, JR, you're gonna witness this whether you like it or
not." Vince brandishes the pen...and signs the contract. "Well now,
Shane...the contract's been signed - you've got me at WrestleMania. And
you know what? You're gonna get a little bit of me...right now." Vince
heads up to the apron - Stephanie tries to stay between them - Vince
decides to back off for now. No, wait, he's just removing his jacket.
Vince back up on the apron - Stephanie again trying to keep Vince from
coming in, but now he's between the ropes...but just before Shane can make
a move, THE NEW MAN emerges from alongside the ramp, hits the ring and
takes out Shane from behind. H gives him a grade-B beatdown, but wants
more - Vince stops him. "Whoa whoa whoa whoa - wait a minute. What the
hell's the matter with you? Pedigree his ass!" And so...he does. "Now
while you can listen to me, let me give you a little piece of advice. I
will never, EVER, I will never ever forgive your mother for giving birth to
you. And I'm gonna wheel your mother right down - your mother's gonna be
in my corner, in a wheelchair, and she's gonna watch me at
Log on to WWF.com for details on free WrestleMania & Limp Bizkit tickets!
XFL cheerleaders shill Stacker 2
Moments Ago, he Pedigreed his ass -
and Vince said some stuff
Backstage, Triple H is going one more round with Shane...tossing him out the door...into a garage door - over the limo - Vince barking out the whole time. H dumps him into the limo and sends it away. Vince says that, by the way, that match at WrestleMania is gonna be a street fight. Then he tries to WHACK Shane with a chair but gets the roof of the limo instead. Oh well, can't win 'em all
WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: HARDY BOYZ (with Lita and Mr. McMahon visits the Howard Stern radio show Thursday morning!) v. THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ - but it isn't the Dudleyz entering second...it's EDGE & CHRISTIAN out - ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA starts to introduce them as the challengers but stops. "Hey! Hey Hardyz! You look a little shocked to see Edge & Christian, but...I'm baaa-aaack! Now I realise you're scheduled to face the Dudleys tonight, but you know what? They aren't here - they blew it - so Hardyz, if you got the gutz, why don't you put those championshipz on the line against us...BOYZ? Let's do it!" And there they go, meeting on the ramp - Christian and Matt go inside - whip into the corner is reversed, boots up by Matt, ahhhhhhh legdrop gets 2. Into the ropes, reversed, Edge grabs the hair - Matt pops him one, turns back to Christian, who ducks the swing and hits the Slop Drop knee into the back. Stomp. Overhand right, tag. Crack production team sneaks in the "WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP" graphic here. Stomp by Edge, backbreaker across the knee - 1, 2, no. Kick, kick, stomp, into the corner, and Matt lands hard. Right by Edge, right, Matt fires back, Edge with ANOTHER right - off the ropes, neckbreaker is countered as Matt spins into a DDT. Matt lunges for the tag - and makes it! Jeff flips in - ducks a clothesline, dropkick for Edge, sitout jawbreaker, double leg takedown on Christian as HE comes in - double legdrop between the legs. Edge whipped into the corner...but he pulls referee "Blind" Jack Doan into the oncoming Poetry in motion! Christian with a side Russian legsweep on Matt - Jeff puts him into the ropes, but Christian hits a hairpull takedown. Lita decides to go up top...and hits the scary 'rana on Christian! But Edge is up from behind - EDGE-O-MATIC!! Matt puts Edge into the corner, gutshot out, Twist of Fate - Jeff off with the swantonbomb...but - whoa, ECW's RHINO is out with the gore on Jeff! He's lost some weight there. Edge covers as Doan recovers - 1, 2, 3!! Ladies and gentlemen, we have new - SIX-TIME - tag team champions. Edge & Christian give Rhino a hug on the ramp - guess they know each other. Different camera angle replay shows Rhino showing up - spearing - and removing himself before the ref can notice.
Outside, Undertaker must be running late - lookit that bike MOVE
XFL on TNN hype
And now, the WWF Overdrive of the Week, presented to you by Greyhound! From SmackDown!, Undertaker beats up a limousine, but loses out to the cops
Moments Ago - ehh, you seen it twice already - so they're gonna call him Rhino? But they're not gonna call it the gore?
Backstage, our tag team champions celebrate - they direct Rhino back to the hotel - don't maim anybody on the way. Rhino appears to speak in one word sentences and may be operating at a lower level of intelligence for storyline purposes - we'll see...
Meanwhile, Regal and four cops have caught up to Undertaker - they have some things to discuss. "Is that right." "No, actually, we have some very important things to discuss." "Well I'll tell you what, fancy pants. We can discuss anything you like...in private. And if these cupcakes wanna come along, just tell them to leave their badges behind." "No, you see these gentlemen are here to witness me serving you with these papers - I have a restraining order here that states that you--" "Yeah yeah yeah, I know what it states. That if I come anywhere close to Triple H--" "No no no, no no, you've got this wrong. This restraining order is for one Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley..." "What?" "...and it says that if you come with 25' of that lovely young lady, you will be arrested on the spot." "Is that right." "Yes." "Well I'll tell you what - you tell the princess that she's not gotta worry about me." "Good." "Twenty-five feet, no problem. But you, on the other hand...you and I, tonight, we're gonna have us a little heart to heart. We're gonna get a few things straight. Oh yeah...and I know it was you that dropped the dime on me. Yeah, you snitched me out to the cops last week. Well you know what that makes you? That makes you an endangered species. And in my world....snitches.....they're a dying breed."
Your hosts are LARRY KING & PAUL HEYMAN.
From the airport, the Coach says that Austin's flight is scheduled to come in at 10.
Meanwhile, Triple H hits up Regal for a match - this Shane McMahon thing has him in the mood to kick somebody's ass. Regal starts to offer Chris Jericho, but Triple H halts him and suggests Test. He'd like to pay him back for Regal. "Test it is, I like your thinking, young man. Thank you." A handshake is shared and off goes Triple H.
WrestleMania: the Magazine is available at newsstands NOW!
1-800-CAL-LATT is giving away a WrestleMania fantasy weekend - hurry, Thursday is the last day to enter!
When we come back, Triple H enjoys a laugh at Big Show's expense - then suggests that the best way to go after Kane is to get to the American Badass. Triple H: "Take a walk with me..."
STEVEN RICHARDS (with Bald Venis & Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) v. TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ (with a WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover) - Tazz hits the ring, ducks a swipe, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Tazz goes under and hits the T-bone Tazzplex. Tazz is already poised for the kati hajime? This'll be quick. Whoops, Venis just dumped referee "Blind" Tim White and came in - block, right, right, right, right, right for Richards, Tazzmission on Venis! He drops him and puts it on Richards! Venis up from behind, and the numbers FINALLY take over...huh? IF YA SMELLLLLLLL runs out clothesline for Richards, right, right, right, clothesline for Venis, Tazz tosses Richards, Rock gives Tazz a spinebuster. Oooh, I'm so angry I'm gonna start a petition RIGHT NOW! Guess we'll call that (No contest 1:08?) and now he wants the stick. "Now Stone Cold Steve Austin - the Rock wanted to come out here and say this to your face, but seeing as you don't have the courtesy to be here, the Rock is gonna say it anyway. Stone Cold Steve Austin, after last Monday night, Stunner to the Rock - after last Thursday night, Stunner to the Rock - and after all that, tonight, the night that you were supposed to come face to face with the Rock, all of a sudden you've got 'plane troubles.' Well quite frankly speaking, Stone Cold Steve Austin, you've got something much bigger than plane troubles - you've got Rock troubles. So Stone Cold, the Rock says this: he's out here to say one thing, one thing only. Simply put, the Rock isn't waiting 'til WrestleMania. And Stone Cold, the Rock says this: you enjoy the rest of your flight. You sit back, relax, have yourself a drink, watch a movie, have some peanuts, have a blast, because the Rock says the second you step foot in this arena, your bald-headed, double-stunted candyass belongs to the Rock! If ya smell - what the Rock iiiiiiiiiis cookin'." Golly, I heard more than a smattering of boos in there...
Austin vs. Rock WrestleMania hype
When we come back, we're again at the airport, where Coach promises the flight will arrive at any moment. Spying the Dudley Boyz, however, he gets a quick interview. Buh Buh Ray says somebody cancelled their reservations - they've got to dash, though, because they have a tag team title shot! Too bad they were in such a hurry - I was hoping they'd say "I wonder who did that, GOLDBERG..."
WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: THE NEW MAN (with Stephanie Can't Act & a WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover & RAW Credits & TV-14-DLV-CC ratings boxes)
v. TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST
(with wrestlemania.com logo) - In a
break with tradition, the challenger actually enters first! Lockup, H with
a right, right, right, head to the buckle, kick, kick, kick, right, into
the ropes, reverseed, big back elbow by Test, right, right, right, kick,
kick, kick, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, into the
corner, ducks the punch as H comes out and hits Uncle Slam for 2. Right,
right, right, into the opposite corner, H ducks out of the way, then rams
Test shoulder into the post - he falls out. Suddenly, Limp Bizkit takes
over the EntertainmentTron and I guess it's "interrupt the matches" night
as ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN'
ROLLIN' walks out - but no further than
twenty-five feet. Hmm, let's call it (no contest 1:15) -
WELL IT'S THE BIG
SHOW is up behind with a chair - but
behind *him*, grabs the chair,
WHACK, and down goes the Show. Taker stands over Show - "hmmm, that guy
seems familiar. Wish I could place the face..." then he asks Kane to get
closer than 25' for him. Down he goes...H waits in the ring as Kane comes
down - but he chases Stephanie over the barricade and into the crowd. And
away they go. Meanwhile, with Stephanie out of the picture, H suddenly
realises that as Taker removes his jacket, HE can now get in the ring
without reprisal. Taker slowly climbs the steps, removes his
glasses...doffs his wool hat...and parts the ropes - H tries to get the
jump but it's blocked - soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone,
soupbone!! Into the ropes, head down, but H hits the facebuster - NO
SALE!! Got him in the choke - but he gently sets him down instead of
hitting the chokeslam as Show has recovered and is back up to the apron -
Taker pops *him* with a soupbone and Show falls to the floor. H takes
advantage of the brief distraction to run off and hide behind Show. Now
*Test* is back in the ring - and wanting to know what Taker's doing. So HE
gets the chokeslam. Play Limp Bizkit! Notice how H gets a lot braver when
the Show is "holding him back..."
XFL cheerleaders Stacker 2 again yeah
Kurt Angle dials 1-800-CAL-LATT again
Time now to check the Snickers Cruncher Countdown to WrestleMania - *13* days away!!
Our hosts remark on the issue between Triple H and Undertaker by way of introducing Moments Ago clips of the previous segment. There's something *funny* about seeing Heyman in an XFL cap. (Funny strange or funny ha ha?) Well....just funny.
Coming back "live," it appears Kane has caught up with Stephanie - he's at the top of a staircase and pressing her, as if to toss her fifteen feet to the concrete floor. Taker looks on - maybe it's twenty-five feet down. Regal shows up and pleads with them to put her down. Taker asks if Kane gets what he wants - a match with the Big Show at WrestleMania. Regal says yes. Taker asks if *he* gets what he wants - a match with Triple H at WrestleMania. Regal says no, but acquiesces after Taker tells Kane to "send her down here." "Yes! You've got your bloody match! Now put her down!" "That's a good decision."
GRAND MASTER SEXAY & MR. PARTY TIME (with Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) v. X-PAC & JUSTIN CREDIBLE (with Yaaaaaaaaaaahlbert) - 'pac has new music. Here's a brief sample of the lyrics. "Yo / yo / yo / yo / yo / yo / yo / yo" I hope *this* match goes fifteen seconds before there's a run-in - oh damn. I heard through the grapevine that X-Pac sux. Sexay starts with Credible. Lockup, side headlock by Sexay, powered out, shoulderblock (hey, WOW opener #1!), up and over, ducks a clothesline, head down by Credible, neckbreaker by Sexay. Vertical suplex. Tag to Blackman - into the ropes, Blackman trips him up - Sexay wants to bust one but Blackman tells him to take off. Spinning elbowdrop by Blackman. Credible goes to the eyes and makes the tag - gutshot by Blackman, into the ropes is reversed, Blackman ducks, slides under, dumps X-Pac on the mat, hits a nice crescent kick...then lets Credible get him from behind, and staggers into a spinning heel kick by X-Pac. Sexay in to retaliate, but unfortunately he ends up drawing the attention of referee "Blind" Teddy Long, so the heels regroup on the outside and crotch Blackman on the post.
helps Blackman back in the ring. Head to Credible's boot - kick, kick
trifecta, standing on the neck...bronco buster. 'pac poses on the corner
to get some more boos - then drops the boot on Blackman. Tag to Credible -
double clothesline ducked, Blackman hits one of his own - everybody down -
Blackman makes the tag. Sexay in - right for Credible, right for 'Pac,
double noggin knocker, Credible into the ropes, reversed, sliding under,
kick caught, enzuigiri hits. X-Pac's reverses a whip into the corner, but
runs into a powerslam from Sexay. Gutshot for Credible, right, right,
right, X-Pac from behind, Blackman back up with a kick for X-Pac. Oh, it's
all breaking down now. DDT for Credible - Sexay going up top...but Albert
crotches HIM on top, then grabs him and hits a baldobomb - Long finally
turns around from Blackman and X-Pac to count the fall - 1, 2,
Backstage, the Dudleyz catch up to Regal and tell him they're ready for their title match. Regal tells them that the match already happened and there are new tag team champions. Buh Buh Ray reminds him they earned tonight's show. D-Von tells him to make good on his promise to be a fan-friendly commissioner and give them a shot tonight. Regal okays it.
Meanwhile, Chris Jericho is in the vacant commissioner's office. Spying his tea set, he takes the teapot behind a curtain - we hear the noise of something being poured into something else - and Jericho emerges and replaces the teapot. Hey Jericho, XYZ! Yup, he finally had a pot to piss in...
When we come back, Regal is back in his office and pouring a cuppa. Harvey Wippleman knocks on the door - he's got some urgent news for Regal. Regal brushes him off, saying he's had a horrendous day and all he wants to do is sit and drink a nice cup of tea. "Shut up! Bugger off! Bugger off!" Regal takes a sip - makes a face - takes another sip - takes a sniff - and makes ANOTHER face. "Rother taught." He's a Neu! fan?
As IVORY brings a Chyna cardboard cutout to the ring, Ross shills the WrestleMania/Limp Bizkit contest on wwf.com. "Thank you! My friend Chyna - she looks great, doesn't she? Actually I think she looks just as phony as ever. Yep. (knocks on her) Dumb as a board, too. Unfortunately, little miss Chyna won't be competing at WrestleMania 17 this year - yep. After I broke her neck, and sent her to the hospital, well she's just never been the same. SHUT UP! SHUT UP! You really just haven't been around much lately, have you, little one. And the gall of YOU challenging ME to a match at WrestleMania - well that one really surprised me. You know Chyna, there's nothing more than I would love to do than to humiliate you again in front of the entire world at our biggest pay-per-view event - but I'm not like that. I am a nice, caring, loving, civilised individual. I have something here for you to see, Chyna - yep, this here - this is a legal document that states, well it's a release that states that if you get hurt at WrestleMania, it's not anyone's responsibility, it's your own fault - so all you gotta do is sign this, Chyna. So whaddaya say, huh? Ha! No comment! And I guess you really can't write either, huh? So once again you let down the people...and you rob me of what would have been the greatest achievement of my career. So you know what I'm gonna do? For my fans, tonight - I'm gonna give you all a little sample of what would have been at WrestleMania--" and she clotheslines the cutout. Right, right, stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp, throat on the rope, camel clutch, rips her head off...ohhhh the piledriver - she bounces nicely. Oh look here's THAT SLUT CHYNA come back to kill us all. Gutshot for Ivory - DDT! She takes the release...and signs it. GOODFATHER & BALD VENIS are out...a bit too late. Play her music! Hmm, I wonder where the other guys are as Chyna backs up the ramp...apparently, nowhere around here. Here's a replay.
In his office, MICHAEL KING COLE catches up to the commissioner. "I have just been informed that a travesty has taken place! Things have got to change here - you cannot go around threatening the daughter of the owner of the World Wrestling Federation, you cannot besmirch - SOIL - the commissioner's tea! I have made a decision - at WrestleMania, Chris Jericho will be facing myself (William Regal), and just to show you how strong my convictions are, tonight Chris Jericho will also partner the Rock against Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit - and I will be their partner. Go away, please."
WWF Axxess ad
Hey, look, TNN spelled "Cincinnati" correctly this week
Here's a look at the marquee of the Pepsi Arena
Here's a look at the XFL - and the EVIL, EVIL MEDIA
Our commentators chat for a bit
At the airport, Coach has finally found Steve Austin...and Debra. After relaying Rock's message, Austin replies: "You just got that man's ass whupped - and while I'm at it, why don't you stay here and get my bags for me." But the joke's on *him* - HE didn't give Coach his CLAIM CHECK! HAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ (with RAW is WAR is brought to you by Uncle Ben's MiniBowl, Castrol Motor Oily and Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli!) v. EDGE & CHRISTIAN (with Earlier Tonight) - Buh Buh Ray pulls in Christian by his hair and brings him in the hard way - shot for Edge to keep him on the outside - Christian into the ropes, double flapjack. D-Von stays in as Buh Buh Ray goes out - right hand, off the ropes with the shoulderblock, into the ropes with a powerslam - now repeatedly ramming his head into the mat instead of going for the pin. Edge trying to come in - D-Von heads him off and he drops to the floor. Back to Christian, who goes to the eyes and tosse him out. Edge runs him into the barricade - again - back up to the apron before referee "Blind" Tim White turns around. Christian brings D-Von in - stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, tag. Open shot for Edge, snapmares him over, right, right, right, right, every shot to the head. Neckbreaker, hooks the leg, 2. Repeated punches and forearms to the back, tag to Christian. Right hand. Right by D-Von, right, Christian with a knee, in the corner, right, blatant choke. Head to the turnbuckle, daring Buh Buh Ray to come in while Edge chokes him behind the ref's back. Tag to Edge - D-Von eats a standing dropkick (nice) for 2. Tag to Christian - right by D-Von, right, Christian with an elbow in the mush, whip into the corner is reversed, Christian puts a boot up and goes up to the second rope - D-Von manages a clothesline to counter his double sledge attempt. Both men down - both men tag! Clothesline by Buh Buh Ray! Clothesline! Shot for Christian - hot shot for Edge - Christian has a chair, but Buh Buh Ray punches him away - into the ropes, big back body drop. Edge gets a sidewalk slam - Christian breaks it up at 2. All four men in now - Edge dumps D-Von and tries the spear - but hits Christian! Buh Buh Ray tosses Edge - Christian gets slammed - "What are you doing?" spot. Testify dance. D-Von, Betty Grable. Edge dropkicks the table and D-Von goes down. Meanwhile, Christian hits a Slop Drop on Buh Buh Ray, but White is outside, ready to DQ everybody. Holy crap, ECW's LITTLE SPIKE DUDLEY just marched out to the ring, dropkicked the chair into Christian's face, and just hit ACID DROP ACID DROP ACID DROP onto the chair! Spike's out and back up the ramp - but not before giving a Spike wave. Edge can't believe what he's seen - and he can't believe he kept his back turned to the Dudleyz long enough to fall into 3D (Dudley Death Drop)! D-Von covers - 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, for the second time tonight we have new tag team champions. (4:57) D-Von and Buh Buh Ray quickly run up the ramp for a happy family reunion.
XFL on NBC hype
Time now for the WWF Racing Recap! From Gainesville, FL last
Friday, Jerry Toliver may have had more fans in attendance than WCW's Road
to the Spring Break-Out - hmmm
Moments Ago, a lotta stuff happened - it was truly... "a Nitro moment"
Kurt Angle & Chris Benoit are WALKING! Angle stops to remind him that their job is to get to the Rock - he suggests using "that move that kinda puts pressure on the nose" to set up his anklelock. Benoit regards this strategy with a modicum of amusement. "Whoa whoa whoa whoa...you want me to put on the crossface to set up the anklelock?" "Now you're getting it...let's go." "Yeah...let's go."
Here's a look at Times Square.
Inside WWF New York, Eddie Guerrero enjoys some Latino food - I think. We learn that he'll take on Test for the Euro strap at WrestleMania - wow, matches are just coming out of the woodwork tonight, aren't they?
WILLIAM REGAL (with Snickers Cruncher presents WrestleMania X-Seven in just thirteen days!) and CHRIS BENOIT (with "WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover) and KING KURT ANGLE v. AD BREAK
WILLIAM REGAL & CHRIS BENOIT & KING KURT ANGLE v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO and IF YA SMELLLLLLLLL DOT COM (with the WrestleMania.com logo) - We are *rapidly* running out of time here. And yet, Jericho wants some mic time. I'm thinking this is gonna be another non-match here. "Regal, I know you claim to be an expert on the English language, so I thought that tonight would be a *golden* opportunity (no pun intended) to try and figure out just what your favourite letter in the English alphabet really is. Is it A? ("No!") Is it B? ("No!") Is it CDEFGHIJKL? ("No!") MNO? ("No!") I think, especially after tonight, that your favourite letter is ("P!") the letter P!" This promo has also been brought to you by the number 3 - as in, there are less than three minutes before the overrun. Regal and Jericho are going to start - duck, right, right, right, into the corner is reversed, but Jericho hits a clotehsline out, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, head down, kick, bulldog, leg is hooked, it's over! GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY! Just kidding, 2. Right, Regal reverses a whip, buries a knee, hits a left, and tags Benoit. Benoit runs into a Rock-esque belly-to-belly disguised as a hiplock, head to the buckle, tag to Rock. Right, right, right, into the ropes, back elbow, right, into the ropes, reversed, knee in the gut by Benoit flips him. Benoit with an elbow - into the ropes, another knee, another flip by the Rock. Tag to Angle. Right hand by Angle, into the ropes, but he flies off with a clothesline. Angle runs into a Samoan Drop...for 2. Head to the boot, tag to Jericho, chop, chop, into the ropes, reversed, ducks the clothesline, flying jalapeno!
Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, into the ropes, no, Angle holds on,
Jericho pulls him into a waistlock, so his trick knee acts up (since
referee "Blind" Earl Hebner is occupied with Regal on the apron). Angle
with a German suplex for 2. Stomp, Regal demands a tag - and gets it -
into the ropes, back body drop, fourteen lefts...and a wave. Double
kneelift to the noodle, left forearm to the back, hooking him up - and
hitting a big suplex. 1, 2, Jericho kicks out. Regal goes for it again -
2. Another 2. Left, tag, left, left, left, Benoit with a kick, kick,
Jericho kicks, Benoit chops, chop, chop, MAN what a death suplex - leg is
hooked and Jericho's up at 2. Snap suplex by Benoit gets 2. Tag to Angle
- open kick. Jericho with a right, Angle with a right, Jericho, Angle,
Jericho, Jericho, into the ropes, Jericho tries a clothesline but Angle
ducks under and hits a German suplex. Tag to Regal - stomp. Jericho fires
back, another right, right, Regal with a left elbow, elbow, into the ropes,
Jericho slips the clothesline and hits a cradle for 2. Regal puts a thumb
in his eye and tags Angle...who just barely keeps him from tagging Rock.
Right hand, right, waistlock...but Jericho counters with a victory roll for
2! Angle quickly clotheslines him down. Tag to Benoit, stomp, into the
corner sternum first, huge elbow by Benoit to the back. Stomp, stomp,
stomp, head to the buckle - Jericho tries to kick back, Benoit kick,
Jericho kick, Benoit chop, chop, chop, chop, Regal adds a choke for good
measure. There's a tag to Regal. I think that was eight lefts that time -
into the corner is reversed, but Regal puts up an elbow. Regal advances
but Jericho hits a spinning heel kick! Both men are down - tag to Benoit,
tag to Rock! Right, right, right, into the ropes, Benoit holds on,
gutshot, whip is reversed, Rock hits his belly-to-belly overhead throw.
Angle in, block, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT and Angle goes outside.
Shot for Angle. Gutshot, DDT for Benoit - 1, 2, Angle TRIPS OVER Hebner on
his way to making the save. All five men in now - double leg for Regal -
Walls of Jericho! But he has to release it when Benoit advances - right,
right, right, chop, chop, into the ropes, reversed by Benoit, back elbow by
Jericho, Lionsault! Forearm for Regal and THEY spill outside. Meanwhile
Rock and Angle have made it to the commentary table - Angle blocks, elbow
in the gut, head to the commentary table, rolled back in - right, whip is
reversed and Rock pulls him into the spinebuster! Will he go for the - oh,
no, Benoit is right there and punking him out with a clothesline.
CROSSFACE!!! AND THE ANGLELOCK! Jericho flies in with a dropkick -
stomping on Angle. Regal has the WWF Championship belt - WHACK for Jericho
- cover - 1, 2, 3! (7:53) But
they're not satisfied with just a victory.
The three-on-two beatdown continues. Crowd is chanting "Austin" as all
three men turn to Rock...the music hits and STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN hits
the ring - block, right, right, right and Angle's down - Austin moves to
Rock - KICK WHAM Angle breaks that up - Angle and Austin trading punches -
KICK WHAM STUNNER for Angle - Rock has the title belt, WHACK on Austin!
Benoit quickly on Rock, and stomping away on his head. Head to the buckle
- into the ropes is reversed, Rock ducks - right, right, right, NOW KISS
THAT RIGHT! Rock pulls himself up by the ropes and turns round to see
who's in - it's just Austin - ROCK BOTTOM!! Play his music! Hit the
credits! Flash the WWF logo! We are OUTTA HERE!!
AFTER THE FACT: Gene the Genius left me this message on AIM while I was typing this up - all right!
Boy Howdy...Gene was 6th row RAW, and had I taken notes I could have provided better information...but the capsule version:
dark matches had Taka going over somebody, Bo Dupp beating Scott Vick (who did in fact bust out a springboard back elbow), a Haku squash, a Billy Gunn squash, and a SWEET NUTS Acolytes squash. Bradshaw's first move was a god damned cross arm breaker.
During the show...Rhino charged right past us....bumped the beer man and got beer all over my pants.
After the show, Austin sloooowly got up, and downed by my count 17 beers. He toured the entire arena, posing several times on each turnbuckle...took about 15 minutes. He threatened some sort of WWF employee, then shared a beer with a member of 'security' who looked an awful lot like Mideon.