WWF RAW is WAR
EZBOARD: WaxyBo brings it full circle:
<voice> In A.D. 2001 a war was just ending
<Ted Turner> What Happen?
<Brad Seigel> Someone set us up the bomb. We get signal.
<Ted> It's You!
<Vince McMahon> How are you gentlemen? All Your Base Are Belong To Us. You are on the way to destruction.
<Ted> What you say?!!?
<Vince> You have no chance to survive make your time. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
That address once again is http://pub30.ezboard.com/bcrz - for you, me, and over three hundred of our closest friends. And eight lurkers.
I'M WARNING YOU: For the love of God, if your Mom (or your boss) is looking over your shoulder, watching you surf the 'Net right now, DON'T click over to wrestlemania2001.com - DON'T do it. You'll regret it FOREVER. (Don't tell Phil Mushnick about this, either - he's already confused enough and might think this really is a WWF site.) And maybe NOW you know why they're calling it "WrestleMania X-Seven" - all the *other* good domain names were already taken! I *believe* this is Bill Banks' fault - good thing the WWF can now boss him around again (if they don't fire him first!)
QUICK QUOTES: WWF 13.60 (+ 1.45 ... last year: 16 3/4), SPLN 3 17/32 (- 1 1/4 ... last year: 35 1/4)
TONIGHT: It's almost the last chance to learn about WrestleMania, by golly! The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin team up (TEAM UP?) against Taker & Kane! Oh, and also, Vince McMahon watches two monitors, labeled "WWF" and "WCW" (Booker T giving the axe kick to Steiner - hmm, interesting choice) and saying "So we've got WWF and we've got WCW...and we've got...Vince McMahon ownin' them both. Mmm hmmm."
THIS WEEK'S MIAMI VICE SPECIAL GUEST STAR: Lee Iococca
One World TV-14-DLV-CC Leader Attitude - WWF!
Another look at those two monitors. "Well now, here's the WWF, and here's WCW...why, there's Jeff Jarrett...and here we have the owner of the World Wrestling Federation and now the owner of WCW. That's right...I, Vince McMahon, I have purchased - I own my own competition. Huh! And tonight - tonight I have the ability to address WWF fans as to what this means - I have the ability to address WCW stars as to what this means, to them, and yes I have the ability to address WCW fans as to what this actually means to them as well - tonight, at the right time, there will be a special simulcast. And, let me just say that tonight, for sure, one man will make history...and that's me. Vince McMahon. Now as far as the Jeff Jarretts of the world are concerned - you know how Jeff spells his name? 'That's J-E-double-F..' well you know what? Mmm...I would suspect that we'd spell it a different way after tonight - that would be Capital G, double O, double N, double E - Goonnee."
It'll be JUST LIKE STARTING OVER - coming to you from an old Lawler favourite haunt, the Gund Arena in Cleveland, OH 26.3.1, transmitido en espanol SAP to WWF New York and the rest of the continent thanks to TNN & TSN, RAW is WAR!
TONIGHT: Austin and Rock vs. Taker and Kane!
KING KURT ANGLE heads to the ring with a "WWF: The Music (Volume 5)" CD cover to start this party off right/quickly. "It's amazing, isn't it. From the fans on the street to the people backstage, to all of you in the crowd tonight, to the people at home watching...you're all just up in arms, giddy in anticipation over 'the big news.' And I have to admit, it's pretty damn shocking. And the big news that I'm referring to is, while there's less than one week remaining until WrestleMania, Your Olympic Hero *still* does not have an opponent. I know - I can't believe it either! I mean, what kind of world do we live in when the Gobbler - whatever his name is, the Gobblygooker - the freakin' Gobblygooker has an opponent at WrestleMania, and me - a former European, Intercontinental and WWF Champion doesn't. I mean, it's a disgrace, an absolute disgrace! And the only thing that keeps me going is that fact that although I do not have a match, an opponent at WrestleMania, I am still the best wrestler in the World Wrestling Federation, if not the whole entire world! And I am now and forever the ONLY Olympic Gold Medalist in WWF history. And if this company is too preoccupied with other things than finding me an opponent for WrestleMania, than I have no other choice but to keep complaining and keep protesting until they finally do. For over four months, four months, people--" CHRIS BENOIT interrupts at this point, thoughtfully stroking his nonexistent beard and proudly showing off his shiny new WrestleMania X-Seven jersey. "Kurt Angle. I've got some good news for you, and I've got some bad news for you. The good news is I don't have an opponent at WrestleMania, just like you! And the bad news is I don't have an opponent at WrestleMania, just like you. You know, listening to you complain and whine and moan reminds me of the fact that I've had to listen to you complain and whine and moan for over a week now. To be honest with you, Kurt, your voice....it annoys me. But, what annoys me more is your claim to be the best wrestler in the WWF! That annoys me! YOU annoy me! But what annoys me more than anything above and beyond everything is the fact that I know if you give me just a little bit of your time, I could make you tap...tap...tap...like the (beep) that you are, it's true, it's true." "Oh, is that so? Is that so? How dare you! Does Canada even have an Olympic team? I'll tell you what, Benoit. I'm tired of carrying you like I did last week. You want some bad news, I'll give you some bad news. And some worst news. The bad news is, if what you said before was some sort of a challenge for a match at WrestleMania, I accept. The worse news is - there is NO WAY IN HELL, I'll ever tap out to that stupid crossface thing. PLEASE! And this crap, that's right, crap, about you being the best technical wrestler in the WWF? Well I'll tell you what - I could make you squeal in seconds, pal. And if you dont think so...prove me wrong." Talkin's over, Benoit throws a right - Angle punches back, Benoit, Angle, Benoit, Angle off the ropes - Benoit goes for the arm, but Angle drops down and goes for the anklelock - Benoit rolls it over and DOES get the crossface in - AND ANGLE TAPS!! EDGE & CHRISTIAN run out to put the boots to Benoit and get him to let go of the hold. He's one and they're two - so Benoit goes down. Play - Angle's music? Well, okay. Edge & Christian drag Angle outta there...
To Vince's office, where Trish sits alongside him on the sofa and Totally Buffed are on the WCW set (hmmm, not on Nitro?) - "the Lex Express has run out of gas, and Buff's been stuffed." Apparently Vince is on the phone with Stephanie - he tells her to enjoy her vacation with her husband. Vince hypes up the main event he cooked up for tonight. Then Trish feeds Vince a strawberry with whipped cream.
Kane SINGS! And shills Stacker 2
Why yes, that DOES mean the other Kane Stacker 2 ad isn't far behind in this ad break
When we come back, MICHAEL KING COLE has caught up with Debra as she leaves Austin's dressing room. Cole asks if Austin can coexist with Rock tonight - Debra declines to answer.
TAZZZZZZZZZZZ (with WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover - and Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) v. BALD VENIS in a lumberjack match - lumberjacks are the remainder of RIGHT TO CENSOR as well as the APA & JACQUELINE. Tazz starts early with forearms in the back - whip is reversed, spinebuster by Venis. Tazz choked on the second rope - referee "Blind" Teddy Long tells him to get off - Goodfather pops Tazz with punches while Venis tries to run the ropes, only to get tripped up by Jacqueline. Venis turns his back - then gets caught in the Tazzmission - which Heyman calls a "kati hajime" for some reason - Ivory on the apron, drawing Long over - and Jackie - and Richards is in with the Stevenkick. Everybody gets to brawling on the outside while Venis goes for the Censor Shot - but MISSES! Northern Lights Tazzplex - bridge - 1, 2, 3! Do the bookers have ADD? (0:52) Sunday, Tazz teams with the APA against three RtC men. Shockingly, Richards proclaims this match "unacceptable" - I didn't know he was such a smark.
Regal has joined Vince and Trish - Vince points to the WCW monitor, currently displaying a clip of Road Warrior Animal. "I wonder how Animal feels about the new owner of WCW." Regal proclaims his confidence in his tuneup match for WrestleMania. Vince starts growling in a Barry White voice to Trish - I tried to listen to it, but it was out of my audible range. Sorry.
XFL on TNN hype
Time now for a Classic WrestleMania Moment - presented by Snickers Cruncher! From WrestleMania 2000, Pete Rose tries to take a baseball bat to Kane - but thanks to a little help from Too Cool and Rikishi, Rose ends up getting a chokeslam...and a stinkface.
DOINK (THE CLOWN) is out in the crowd making balloon animals for the kiddies!
Your hosts are LARRY KING & PAUL HEYMAN - Ross mentions that at least fifteen WWF "legends" will be competing in a battle royal at WrestleMania - Heyman does a lot of groaning.
The graphic don't lie - it's a gimmick battle royal! Kamala, Brother Love, the Gobbeldy Gooker, Michael PS Hayes, Hillbilly Jim, Iron Shiek, Nikolai Volkoff, the Hongi Kids, Sgt. Slaughter and...who's that guy in the upper left again? The BEST names aren't even displayed in this graphic! Go to wrestlemania.com RIGHT NOW to get the skinny!
WILLIAM REGAL v. ? - Regal's opponent is as yet unknown to the commentary team - perhaps we'll find out after he borrows LILIAN GARCIA's microphone. "Being your WWF commissioner, I have a very important thing to tell you. It concerns WC - Fields, yes! Now WC Fields once said the only cure for insomnia is sleep, and I will not sleep or rest, my friends, until I am the new intercontinental champion and beat that filthy, lowlife, miserable toerag Chris Jericho....anyway, tonight, for my warmup match before WrestleMania 17, I am going to fight someone from a very prestigious wrestling family. A very tough person indeed - the Hollys! Come on, I want to fight one of the Holly family." Out comes CRASH (with Molly Holly) - I completely missed him winning the Light Heavyweight championship, but he's got it on his shoulder for sure. Crash also has a mic but it ain't working - something about never backing down from a fight. He goes to hand his belt to Molly, and Regal forearms him out of the ring. Hmmm, I get the impression that Regal had *Molly* in mind for his opponent. Regal waves to the crowd, single leg trip, rubbing her face into the mat - and there's the Regal Stretch. Molly taps out but apparently referee "Blind" Jack Doan isn't interested in counting submissions in this match. Crash in and hitting an axehandle - Regal punches him out and puts the hold on HIM - Crash *also* taps, but again Doan ignores it. Now DOINK hits the ring and breaks it up - Doan decides to call for the bell at this point (DQ 0:28) - I wonder if it's Jericho dressed up as the clown - whip is reversed, flying jalapeno by Jericho, double leg takedown, Walls of Jericho...hey, I'm right! Regal taps out, not that that'll help matters much - Doink refuses to let go - a gaggle of REFEREES & SGT. SLAUGHTER come out and FINALLY get them separated. Doink removes his wig to reveal himself - yes, he *is* CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO. So play his music!
Back to Vince, who points out Dustin Rhodes on the WCW TV (hey, that wasn't on Nitro either - were ANY of these clips, come to think of it?) - telling Trish that he used to be Goldust, Vince relates the story of how Goldust once wanted to get breast implants. "Can you *imagine* the *absurdity* of someone who...would want to have...these voluptuous...succulent...tender...breasts." Vince needs to watch his gaze there.
Boy, I'm getting an impression that since it's a week to WrestleMania AND there's a big WCW announcement oncoming, they don't even have to TRY tonight. On the other hand, maybe it's a magnanimous gesture on the part of McMahon to ensure we all watch the ENTIRE final Nitro. (Yeah, RIGHT.)
Moments Ago, La Parka revealed himself as Diamond Dallas Page - no, wait... Heyman: "The Walls of Doink!"
JONATHAN COACHMAN tells Regal it appears Jericho got one over on him gain. "Is that so, sunshine - well you listen to me. Would you please inform that miserable, putrid little toerag Chris Jericho that he has a nontitle match tonight with - now let me see - I know, the Big Show. Thank you."
Meanwhile, Edge & Christian tell Kurt Angle that team ECK lives tonight - they'll take on Benoit and the Hardy Boyz. Angle says he wasn't tapping, he was just trying to get to the ropes. Edge: "We know, we know." They tell Angle they've got a big fan who they really want him to meet. Then Christian brings in Rhyno. How does one whisper in caps? "KURT - IT'S AN HONOUR. AND JUST SO YOU KNOW, I GO WAY BACK WITH THESE GUYS - AND ANY FRIEND OF THEIRS IS A FRIEND OF MINE. I'LL BLEED FOR YA MAN - BLEED FOR YA!!" Christian pulls him off. Edge: "So whaddaya think?" "Well, I don't know about intelligence or integrity, but the intensity is definitely there."
Heyman says Angle has never tapped at any level of competition...until Benoit made him tap earlier. Hmmm....
Dig the graphic: The Rock (with Debra) vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin for the richest prize in our game!
"The Road to WrestleMania" music video
Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! and replay the Austin/Rock sitdown - or as *I* like to call it, FUHFUHWID - along with three frames of XFL - TNN is so FUNNY with those drop-ins...
Backstage, Coachman has caught up to Debra outside the Rock's door. He asks if she can talk about the Rock's mindset (or Austin's)... Debra again says that now isn't a good time. Then a mysterious voice says "out"...and the tape stops! Wow, WCW is INFECTING them ALREADY!! This week, "out" - next week, "clear"
Meanwhile, Trish helps Vince with her jacket. Vince says it's time to address the WCW stars, the WCW fans, and talk about himself owning WCW. But before he goes, he needs just a little bit of luck. They smooch. "Ooh, that's a lot of luck!" And so on.
WWF Axxess ad
Kane Stacker 2 again
Well, we've been pretty much running in place to this point, so you'd figure that business couldn't HELP but pick up NOW as BILLIONAIRE VINCE walks out. Heyman compares Vince to Alexander the Great. Vince calls over Garcia..then grabs her mic. "Stop the music - cut the music - a man of my distinction deserves a great deal more respect than this - announce me again. I SAID ANNOUNCE ME AGAIN - WHEN I GIVE YOU THE CUE." Back goes Garcia - and back up the ramp goes McMahon. The music starts up again - Vince points to Garcia - she intros him again - and a smiling McMahon saunters, swaggers, struts up the steps and into the ring. "For the first time ever, for the first time ever in sports entertainment history, this broadcast is not only being seen here on TNN and Cleveland, Ohio...it is also being seen across TNN (oops) - Turner Network Television." Cut to a shot of Nitro...and Vince's picture being broadcast on the big screens and the "LIVE" Nitro chyron. "Now there's only one way that that can happen - there's only one way, and one man who can make history like this happen. Obviously, you all know I have acquired WCW. (mixed reaction) That's right, I bought my competition! Now then, it's not exactly final - well it is and it isn't, you see...the only thing is, Time-Warner can't sell this property to anybody else because nobody really knows what to do with it, so therefore this is what's gonna happen. Time-Warner is practically BEGGING me - they're practically begging me to buy WCW, and I have agreed. There's only one small caveat they're hearing for the first time, and that is this. Time-Warner...they've signed the contract and I will sign the contract but I'll sign it this Sunday on pay-per-view at WrestleMania. And I'll sign it when Ted Turner himself walks down the aisle at WrestleMania and delivers the contract in front o' me. Now then, some would say, 'geez, Vince, how did you do it? How did you do it, Vince? I mean, you were up against this media conglomerate, Time-Warner. You were up against a billionaire. I mean, how could you possibly do this?' Well, some might say I had a little help along the way with certain WWF superstars and things of that nature, but quite frankly, I did it all on my own. It was my effort, it was my money, and it's like, okay Vince, how can you possibly beat a billionaire? Well, there's only one answer to that, and that's become one yourself. So now, you have to understand, when Ted Turner walks down the aisle at WrestleMania and practically begs me to sign the contract, I'm gonna do it and then I'm gonna reserve a seat for Ted - I'm gonna put him right over here, right in the corner, because I want Ted Turner to see what I'm gonna do to my very own son Shane. Some would say, come on now, Vince, don't boo me, some would say 'Vince, you can't do that to your own son - he's your flesh and blood!' But you gotta understand what it means to be a competitor - NOBODY understands that better than I do. Because you have to grab your competition by the throat and you've gotta squeeze the life outta your competition - just like I did to WCW! And just like - just like I'm gonna do to my son Shane this Sunday - and by the way, may I add in my corner will be my charming and lovely daughter Stephanie, will also be my companion Trish, and Trish will wheel down...in the wheelchair, Trish will wheel down my very own wife, Linda, and we're gonna park Linda right over here in this corner. And Linda's gonna watch what I do to Shane McMahon this Sunday at WrestleMania. Now then, what should I do with WCW? Well there are a lotta things I could do with it. I might like to have some input from some of you here in a moment. I mean, I could take WCW and just kinda like put it on the shelf....I could do that. I mean, I could sit back and watch those videotapes of Hogan doin' that ridiculous (flexes like a chicken) whatever you call that - I could watch that over and over, them talkin' 'bout how they're gonna bury the WW-- oh, I'd get a great deal of pleasure just sittin' there watching night after night, sittin' there watching the videotapes, backwards and forwards, because you see, there's an old expression: they used to laugh at the WWF - there's an old expression about...he who laughs LAST laughs BEST. And you can see, I'm not exactly laughing, but I've got a real big smile on my face. Then again, if we don't take WCW and put it on the shelf, we could do something else with it - we could take WCW and, perhaps, turn it into this huge media conglomerate much like World Wrestling Federation Entertainment is today - we know how to do that. But if we do that, I'm wondering, uh, well, who should be a part of this WCW, and maybe you can help me out here - umm...when I give you a thumbs up or a thumbs down, I want you to react, maybe you can help me out a little bit, assuming we wanna acquire some of those 'stars.' Let's start with Hulk Hogan - up? Hogan down. All right. Let's go to, uh...Lex Luger up? Lex Luger down. How 'bout, uh, Buff Bagwell up? Bagwell down. How about, uh, let's see, Booker T. up? Booker T. down. You guys are a mixed group up here. How about Big Poppa Pump up? Poppa Pump down. Well...well, I-- I don't know that you've necessarily helped me except, let me just say this... ["Goldberg!" Sign: GOLDBERG] There are a few others, all right - Sting? You want Sting? All right, uh, Goldberg? Well, this is very interesting. You see, I had a choice to make tonight, and that choice was coming here before you in Cleveland, and - and quite frankly gloating...which I think I'm doing a very good job of at the moment...or, or I could do this, instead of gloating, what I could have done was get in my plane, and assuming they have an airport there, fly down to the redneck Rivieria, Panama City Beach, Florida...and walk out there and give every WCW star a piece of my mind, 'cause that's what I really wanna do, but how appropriate is it that WCW's last broadcast is in a beer hall? How appropriate is that? Surrounded by a bunch of beer drinking rednecks! There are obviously a few here tonight. But nonetheless, I've opted to come before you here, as opposed to walking in the ring and lining each and every one of those stars up - every single one of them - so I could look right in their face and say Goldberg, Booker T, and all the rest of them, to look them right in the face and say... YOU'RE FIRED. And that's exactly what's gonna happen because WCW *is* going on the shelf - it's going nowhere - WCW is BURIED. WCW will remain BURIED. Just like anybody here in this arena, or anyone in the world that gets in *my* way. Every single one of you, when you attempt to compete with me, and that includes my son Shane. And I'm not too proud to say it: every single one of you will be BURIED. Just like WCW is buried. Don't start with that. I deserve more respect than that! Dammit, I'm Vince McMahon! Dammit! I own WCW - I own the WWF - and you will treat me with respect! Or I'll walk outta this arena--" The music fires up and this time it's for Shane - Vince faces the EntertainmentTron and dares his son to bring it on - I'll bet he ends up behind him...whoops, I'm wrong.
SKIPPY is actually entering the ring back in Panama City Beach - with Nitro chyron, even! "Shane! Where are you?" "What's up, Vince?" Vince gulps. "Surprise, Dad - you're in Cleveland, Ohio - and I'm here in Panama City Beach, Florida - standing in a WCW ring. And as usual, Dad, your ego has gotten the best of you. Your ego has gotten the best of you, I mean, Dad, you wanted to finalise this deal - WCW at WrestleMania? You wanted, you have the audacity to ask Ted Turner himself to come down and to finalise that deal? Well Dad, that's just the opportunity that I was looking for - because, Dad, the deal *is* finalised with WCW - and the name on the contract DOES say McMahon...however, the contract reads SHANE McMahon. That's right! I now own WCW! And Dad - just like WCW did in the past, how it kicked your ass in the past, and it will again. That's exactly what's gonna happen to you this Sunday at WrestleMania."
Where'd Shane get the scratch? Or was the price THAT low, heh heh?
TONIGHT: Stone Cold Steve Austin & The Rock (with Debra) vs. Undertaker & Kane! Word on the street is it just MAY break the one minute mark!
Notice how he never says "World Championship Wrestling," only "WCW?" Notice how he never says "superstars" when referring to WCW, only "stars?" Subtle, that. Well....maybe not as subtle as you'd think. After all, *I* figured it out.
Time to check the Snickers Cruncher Countdown to WrestleMania X-Seven - yes, it's only *6* DAYS AWAY!! My way or the highway!
Moments Ago, six paragraphs ago, and so forth
Our hosts react to what we've just seen. All this serves as subtext for the big Vince/Shane match at WrestleMania
Vince screams at his attorneys - how could they let that happen? They've ruined the whole damn thing! Then Vince knocks over some food and drink in angry fashion...
HARDY BOYZ (with Lita - and TLC II graphic) and CHRIS BENOIT (with RAW credits & TV-14-DLV-CC ratings boxes - and Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight) v. EDGE & CHRISTIAN (with Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) and KING KURT ANGLE - Sure seems like EVERYBODY working for this show is wearing one o' them WMX7 jerseys, don't it? Spike Dudley is apparently on the shelf from damage suffered at the hands of Rhyno last week, giving him one of the shortest tenures in the WWF since...let's say Mr. Hughes. Benoit decides to run up on the ACE in mid-entrance and suddenly there's a Pier Sixer all about the ring. Edge and Matt in the ring trading punches - whip, reversal, but Matt hits the sitout clothesline. Head to the buckle, tag to Jeff. Doubleteam kicking - double suplex. Jeff covers - but gets 2. Into the ropes, Edge slides out of the ring, Jeff slides out as Edge slides in, Christian grabs Jeff and rams him into the barricade. Rolled back in to Edge - stomp, stomp, tag. Kick by Angle, right, right, rikick, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp stomp stomp stomp. Death suplex. Tag to Christian - stomp. Right hand - free shot for Matt as well. Jeff punches back - kick caught, mule kick by Hardy, tag to Benoit - running over Edge & Christian with clotheslines - German suplex for Edge, holding on for two but Angle knocks him down from behind since his arms are occupied. Angle kicking away on Angle - all six men are in now - Poetry in Motion for Angle...who staggeres into the crossface! But Christian stomps on Benoit until he breaks it. Benoit tries to put it on *Christian*, who turns it around and tries for the Slop Drop, but Benoit turns over *again* and puts on the crossface! And Christian taps! (2:20) Angle immediately tries to get the better of Benoit, but he ends up clotheslined out on the floor - and Benoit dives through the ropes with a tope on to Angle!! Matt and Edge in the ring - Matt with a Twist of Fate off the gutshot...but RHYNO is out - there's a spear on Matt Hardy and "gored" is said for the first time (by Ross). Lita is in to check on her boyfriend - and Rhyno gores HER, too!! Yow! Play Edge's music! Replay of - WHOA - that looked pretty impressive.
XFL on NBC ad - what a surprise, the Hitmen are playing in the NBC game
STACKanER 2 ad
And the other one
Here's a look at the snowy exterior of the Gund Arena marquee
Last Week, Taker needed sixteen staples to close up the slice we never got a good view of Thursday
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands with the Fun Brothers backstage - Taker has a hat over his wound. How's he feel knowing Triple H has the night off. "How does it make me feel. Well Kevin Kelly let me ask you this: if you were Triple H, wouldn't you have taken the night off? You're damn right you would've! You see, Triple H can take as many nights off as he wants - I'm a patient man. In fact, he can hide behind McMahon, he can hide behind his skank old lady, and he can hide behind all the cops he wants - but there's one thing that he can't hide behind. And that's the fact that WrestleMania is six days away. He can't hide from the fact that in six days, I'm gonna step off in his ass. And he can't hide from the fact that there ain't a damn thing that he can do about it. You see, sixteen staples - (removes hat) SIXTEEN STAPLES and the taste of my own blood - that didn't piss me off - what it did, made me hungry, and the only thing that's gonna stop that hunger are these soupbones right here, covered with Triple H's blood. Now as far as Rock and Austin go, I understand them boys got their own issues and I can respect that. But if they're not on the same page tonight, Rock nor Austin may make it to WrestleMania. You got anything else? I didn't think so." Kane: "..."
TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST (with RAW is WAR is brought to you by Uncle Ben's minibowls!, Foot Locker, and Burger King!) v. X-PAC (with Yahhhhhhhhlbert) in a nontitle match - Before this match begins, we learn that there's a special guest referee for this matchup - EDDIE GUERRERO (and the WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover). Guerrero lets Test know he won't accept no tomfoolery with the rules in this match. X-Pac with a gutshot, elbow, elbow, right, chop, chop, into the ropes, reversal, duck, tilt-a-whirl slam by Test - cover, leg is hooked, reeeeeeeally slow count, X-Pac kicks out. Test takes umbrage - Guerrero gets righteously indignant. Test runs at X-Pac but ends up crotching himself on the top rope - X-Pac with a spinning heel kick. Lightning legdrop off the ropes - 1 2 no. Test shoots Guerrero a look - block, head to the buckle by Test, right, right, right, into the corner, press...and Guerrero trips up Test, bringing the pile crashing down on him - 1 2 no. Test with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, off the ropes, X-Pac ducks the clothesline and hits the spinning heel kick - 1 2 no. Head to the buckle by 'Pac, kick trifecta, broncobuster coming up...but Test is up - and clotheslines him down. Another clothesline by the champ. 'Pac put in the ring - splash misses - 'Pac runs at Test, but he catches the spinning heel kick attempt and slams him down. Guerrero over to count - but he gets a back spasm just before counting 1. Guerrero actually slaps Test in the chest - Test pops him one back - then returns to eat a spinning heel kick from X-Pac. Albert hands him the Euro belt - X-Pac up top...but Test buries a fist in the gut on his way down - pumphandle slam finds the mark for Test - but there's no ref! JIMMY KORDERAS runs out to make a count - 1, 2, Guerrero grabs his ankle. They have a discussion on the outside - Test looks there way - X-PAc with a gutshot - but Test puts him in the corner, right, up to the second rope for a ten punch count along - only, X-Pac hits an uppernut after 7, then shoves Test into Albert for a Baldobomb. Guerrero steps into the ring after Albert goes out - normal cadence - 1, 2, 3. Hey look who did the job - hint: not X-Pac. (3:37) Post-match, Guerrero throws a goodly amount of punches to Test, then tells him he'll see him at WrestleMania. Play his music!
Backstage, Austin prepares some coffee. Cole tries to ask him what he thinks of teaming with the Rock tonight. Austin can only glare at Cole in response. Then he walks off.
Our hosts tell us what a memorable night it was. I find it memorable that we haven't had any sort of decent match yet...whoops, that trend will continue into this segment...
MICK FOLEY is back! Heyman is apoplectic that a fired guy could be coming out for talkin' time. "Hey!" "Fo-ley!" "Thank you! Yeah, it's nice to know that you remember who I am. Now, I know a lot of you are probably wondering WHY I'm here - maybe you're thinking that I chose this moment to come here and promote my new book, Foley is Good, which will be available at bookstores everywhere starting May 8th...but that's not why I'm here. Maybe you're thinkin' that I needed a little vacation, and what better place to get a little rest and relaxation than right here...in Cleveland, Ohio! Ahh, but that's not why I'm here either. Now the truth is I'm here because, at the risk of sounding a little egotistical, I kidna believe that WrestleMania just wouldn't be WrestleMania without Mick Foley involved. So with that in mind, what I've done is I've kinda taken it upon myself to get involved in one of the really big matchups at WrestleMania....wait'll, wait'll you hear what I have in store for this match because it's really gonna make the show more..." BILLIONAIRE VINCE is out. "Mick--" "Hey Vince!" "I'm in no mood - I'm in no mood for this...I fired you...if you're not outta that ring, I'm gonna call the cops and they'll take you out because you are trespassing on my property - now get the hell outta my ring!" "Wait, wait - Vince, can't we talk this over a little bit? You're trying to tell me that I, I, I, I can't be a part of WrestleMania? Well Vince, look...I hate to disagree with you, and by golly, I hate to quote the Little Engine who Could, but as the little engine once said, Vince, I think I can, I think I can and I'll tell you why. You see, Vince, I happen to be a little bit of a - a history buff, and I'm gonna give you a short history lesson right now. Now you remember back in June of 2000 when you departed the WWF, you kinda abdicated your throne to become as, as I recall a genetic jackhammer back in Connecticut. A, uh, a venture that I'm told you were quite unsuccessful at. And so, in June of 2000, we saw me become the WWF Commissioner and the WWF enjoyed a period of prosperity and fun that was unequalled, but apparently realising the futility of your jackhammering deeds, you came back to the WWF at the beginning of December, and it was only I guess about three weeks later, right before Christmas that you - you fired me." "I fired you, now get the hell out of my ring!" "No wait, wait, wait, the history lesson's not done yet, Vince, because - remember, you came at the beginning of December, you fired me right before Christmas, now Vince, I may look dumb but I'm not stupid - I knew what you had in mind and that is why your wife and I, before you forced her into a sanitarium, well we had a very important business meeting on December 5th of 2000, and I'd like you to take a look at that right now. Turn around, Vince - TURN AROUND!" Thumbs up! "Vince! Vince, it's me - a voice from the past. It's Mick Foley, and listen, it's the morning of December 5th of the year 2000, and you just made your return to the WWF last night. And I gotta tell ya, I got a kind of sickening feeling in my stomach - a feeling that you don't really want me around, and the problem is I wanna stay around, and chances are if you're looking at this, I'm no longer officially the commissione of the WWF, but what we've done to ensure the WWF continues to proceed in a just and fair manner is - Linda McMahon, the CEO of the WWF and I are about to embark on a lengthy and strenuous signing session." "Well Mick, at your request, I've had our legal department draw up this pretty tall stack of documents, and I think we'll just proceed to get them signed and then everything will be official." "We better get right to it, we gotta lot of work to do - and Vince, by the way, your life as you know it is about to change. Have a great show!" "So, uh...I guess what that just showed is, those documents are all legal because I signed them when I was still the WWF commissioner, now...I guess you saw that stack of papers there, Vince - we signed a lot of documents and yes, true to my word, your life is going to change a whole hell of a lot, but the uh document that I'm interested in right now is uh this one right here...which more or less says that at WrestleMania, I can be the special guest referee at any match of my choosing. Vince, Vince...I'm going to give you one guess to see which match I'm choosing - come on, Vince, try to smile, 'cause you're going to be in the same ring with me when I'm the special guest referee when you take on your son - the new owner of WCW - Shane McMahon! And Vince, just in case you weren't having one before...Have a Nice Day!"
WOW! Big Show! Is! WALKING!
Meanwhile, Chris Jericho is also! WALKING!
WrestleMania magazine ad
Moments Ago, four paragraphs ago - get ON with it already
Back in Vince's office, Vince...shakes his head - looks at the ceiling - and ANGRILY eats a bitter strawberry - then he spits - THIS IS THE WWF!
CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with Earlier Tonight) v. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW (with WrestleMania.com logo) in a nontitle match - hey remember when Giant was protecting Jericho because the NWO was....no, neither do I. Jericho starts off with a springboard dropkick to take Show off the apron to the floor - he dives but gets caught - Show rams him into the ringpost. Rolled back in - Show hits the ring. In the corner, whip out HARD. Show stands on his abs and stomps over him. Show going to the second rope?! SHOWBOMB! Too bad it missed. Jericho right, right, right, Show shoves him off, Jericho dropkicks his head, off the ropes, Show lifts him up and lets him fall. Wow. "This is it!" Show has him set up for the Final Cut but Jericho elbow him in the gut, his trick knee acts up, double axe handle off the ropes, flying jalapeno off the ropes and they BOTH tumble over the top rope to the floor! Kick by Jericho, chop, Show fires back with a paw on the chest. Press...and pressed over the top rope back into the ring. Referee "Blind" Tim White seems inordinately interested in checking on Jericho - ahh, I see: KANE is out at this point and trying to work over Show. Into the steps we go - CAW CAW CAW is out and taking a trashcan lid to Kane's head. White sees these two going at it, missing Jericho hitting the Lionsault...and *also* missing WILLIAM REGAL coing out and hitting the Union Jack on Jericho! Show is back up - picking him up by the neck - ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM. 1, 2, 3! (2:42) Kane is up from behind with a chair - WHACK in the back - Show hangs himself out to dry on the ropes - Raven up from behind to try a sleeper - good luck. Kane shrugs him off - goozles Raven - and *he* gets a chokeslam from Kane. Play Kane's music! Kane grabs the chair and goes off after Show...
ROCK! IS! WALKING! He finds a random floor director and asks directions to Austin's dressing room. "Down that way." "Down that way. Down that way, left right, up down? Where?" "Down...and to the right." "Down, to the right. Are you new?" He nods. "The Rock." Handshake. "My name's--" "No no - mm mm. Thank you." And he's WALKING!
And here's the first half of pair #4 of Kane Stacker 2 ads
And here's the second half
"TNN's February ratings are in. Late Night ratings up 100% Prime Time ratings up 200% TNN is now a top 10 cable network. Thanks to you. To every new viewer of TNN - welcome."
And now, the WWF Overdrive of the Week, brought to you by Greyhound! From SmackDown!, Rhyno gores Spike into the table - not the good way.
Here's a look at WWF New York
Inside, the Dudley Boyz share that Spike is hurt, but getting better - it'll take more than what Rhyno did to keep him down. Also, they plan on keeping the tag team titles in Dudleyville after Sunday.
Meanwhile, Austin and Debra have a conversation - but the Rock interrupts. Neither man wants to team with the other, yep, but as long as they coexist tonight, there shouldn't be a problem. "You don't mess with the Rock, the Rock won't mess with you." Austin stops him and reiterates that once the match is over, all bets are off. "You're damn right."
The Fun Brothers are WALKING!
The Hardy Boyz get XTREME! By...eating ravioli
KANE (with WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover) and ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' WITH SIXTEEN STAPLES IN HIS BY GOD HEAD (on His Beautiful Titan Bike...and Snickers Cruncher presents WrestleMania - SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!) v. IF YA SMELLLL (with Mrs. Austin) and STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN DOT COM - interesting that they intro the champ before Austin, no? No? Oh. It's absolutely *amazing* how late they're running considering how little wrestling there's been tonight. I mean, this match hasn't even started and we're already for real into the overrun! Rock is a little *too* busy watching Austin, so he's caught by surprise when Kane punks him out. Right, right, back elbow, right, right, right, into the ropes, Rock ducks, and flies off with a clothesline - he's ready for Rock Bottom, but Taker is in - HE gets a right, then Rock turns back to take a clothesline from Kane. Into the ropes, Kane hits the big boot. Blatant chokehold - referee "Blind" Earl Hebner gets to 4 before he lets go. Choke on the second rope for 3. Head to the buckle, tag to Taker, right, kick by Taker, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone. Kick, soupbone, windup, soupbone blocked, right by Rock, right, right, right, into the ropes, Taker ducks, flying clothesline for Taker for 2. Tag to Kane. Holding Rock open for the kick. Right hand puts Rock on his back. Kane picks him back up - into the ropes, Rock ducks the clothesline - right, right, right is blocked, and Kane puts HIM down with a right. Stomp, stomp, off the ropes...but Rock hits the spinebuster! Rock reaches to Austin - and makes the tag! Kane has tagged out as well - right, soupbone, right, soupbone, right, soupbone, right, soupbone, right, knee by Taker, into the ropes head down, kick by Austin, right for Kane, Taker sneaks in a clothesline to Austin. Head to the buckle. Rock is over to grab Kane's ankle - why? Who can say. Back elbow by Taker, into the opposite corner, clothesline. Back to the first corner - Austin gets the boot up. Taker put into the ropes - Thesz press! Nine rights! Kane from behind as Austin tries to go off the ropes for his up yours elbow. Big boot by Taker! Rock and Kane going at it on the outside once again. Straight soupbone by Taker. Scoop...but Austni slides down the back - KICK WHAM - Taker shoves him off - oh no, right into a collision with the Rock on the apron! Taker has Austin by the neck - CHOKESLAM!! Kane also drops Rock on the commentary table (tho' we don't see it). Taker ready to give Austin the Last Ride but THE NEW MAN is here and he's got a chair. WHACK. Kane pops Triple H one - again - meanwhile, Austin has hooked a leg on Taker and Hebner is back in position - 1, 2, 3! (4:46) Taker seems...perturbed. H seems...uneasy...as well as in a hurry to get the heck outta there. Austin catches two out of three Busch beers - there's two more. Timekeeper Mark Yeaton is throwing them tonight, by the way. Three more beers in...Rock is back in...behind Austin...poised for - holy crap! ROCK JUST KICKED WHAMMED AND STUNNERED AUSTIN! Play *HIS* music! Rock CALLS FOR BEER! He pops one open...and lays it next to Austin's head. He takes another and walks up the ramp with it...and his belt....turning back at the top of the ramp...popping *his* beer open...toasting Austin...and taking a sip. People's Eyebrow! Credits! WWF logo! Ten after the hour! Spinning the wheels in place show! Don't write me complaining! See ya Thursday!