WWF RAW is WAR
WRESTLEMANIACS - WHAT DOES IT
MEAN? You mean you *missed* our great big
third anniversary celebration? That's okay...I did, too. Depressing,
I still have a little something I'd like to do to mark the occasion, but first I need to overcome some inertia. Let's see if doing tonight's show spurs me on!
QUICK QUOTES: But, first, of course... WWF 14 (+ 0.40 ... last year: 16 7/8), SPLN 3 25/32 (+ 1/4 ... last year: 27)
It's strange not having to decide which tape to watch first, isn't it? You probably don't have this problem. Trust me.
TONIGHT: Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley and Trish Wheresherlastname get to WHIPPIN'! Also tonight, will Stone Cold Steve Austin explain it all? Find out in sixteen minutes!
THIS WEEK'S MIAMI VICE SPECIAL GUEST STAR: Ed Lauter (okay, not as big a deal this week - sorry to the Ed Lauter fans, but it's true)
One World Leader Attitude - TV-14-DLV-CC - WWF!
LOOK! UP IN THE PYRO another year, another WrestleMania - ho hum - just another big show - no, WAIT - WRESTLEMANIA WAS AWESOME! And here we are once again, transmitido en espanol SAP, WWF New York, Ft. Worth, TX and the Unnamed Arena 2.4.1 and WHYYYYYYYYY has the Rattlesnake sold his soul to Satan himself? And could maybe - JUST MAYBE - Ross be overselling it with rhetoric like that?
STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT is out to "My Time" to not act - she wields a strap, presumably a prop/precursor to tonight's whuppin' match she'll have later tonight with Trish. Let's all grin and bear this interview: "Last night at WrestleMania, Trish Stratus had the nerve - the audacity to slap my dad (Vince McMahon) right in the face! I mean, how can - how ungrateful can Trish Stratus be? After everything my dad has done for her! But Trish, as you well now...payback is a BITCH. So I'm not only gonna KICK your ass, I'm gonna WHIP it. I have requested and been granted a WHIPPING match between you (Trish) and me tonight...In This Very Ring! But tonight is not about Trish Stratus - it's about someone of importance. So allow me to introduce you to the most important man in sports entertainment today - my Dad, VINCE McMAHON!" Just before "No Chance in Hell" starts up, you can hear dogs howling. The patriarch is out with a gift wrapped box - I'll guess a Smokin' Skull may be inside. Big hug in the ring....and Stephanie takes her leave. "Well well well! All I would ask...all I would ask is just a little respect - all right? ["Ass hole!"] Well, many of you might be saying 'why, Mr. McMahon, why are you happy...why, Mr. McMahon, why are you smiling?' Well, there's a good answer for that because right here in this ring tonight, I have the privilege - I have the privilege of personally handing the World Wrestling Federation championship, as soon as he arrives her in the building, to Stone Cold Steve Austin. And that'll be a highlight, indeed, just as WrestleMania was to a certain extent, although many of you might say 'Mr. McMahon, you shouldn't be happy, after all' - yes, as my daughter just reminded me, Trish Stratus...a woman whom I heaped lavish gifts on - fur coats, diamond rings, slapped me in the face at WrestleMania. That didn't make me happy. And then...my wife (Linda). Obviously, Trish had not given her the sufficient medication for that day, or maybe not even that week - my - my wife, now, get this, my wife hauls off and kicks me in - in the gonads. What kind of a woman would do such a thing? And then....the former commissioner Mick Foley - Mick Foley, for no provocation, no provocation at all, hammers me and drives me into the corner! ["Fo-ley!"] And Foley drives his knee into my head - and then from there, my very own son takes a garbage can - jams it - jams it into my chest, and then proceeds to fly from that corner and all the way over to this corner, and dropkicked that garbage can into my head! So no, maybe I shouldn't be so happy after all. But you know, there's an old expression - 'all's well that ends well' - and WrestleMania ended just fine with me. Yep, those of you who were there, I promised you something shocking. And in the end, there it was - Vince McMahon, united with Stone Cold Steve Austin, standing above the Rock! Now I have had an occasion to listen to the play-by-play...on that match from WrestleMania. Now, with that in mind, good ol' JR, I've gotta ask - I've gotta ask you a question, JR. [leaves the ring] Did you - or did you not call Stone Cold Steve Austin an SOB?" "Hell, no." "Don't deny that! Don't deny that! Did you or did you not say that Stone Cold Steve Austin sold out to the devil himself! You said that, did you?" "You're damn right!" "Well, now - let me think about that for a moment. Let's see...Austin sold out to the devil himself, huh. Well ya know, when you think about it...[back in the ring - "ass hole"] You know, when you think about it, JR, contrary to someone's opinion, I am not the devil, okay? Although, the devil is a - pretty powerful individual, so I guess - I guess we do have a little bit in common. But nonetheless, JR, as it relates to Stone Cold Steve Austin and Mr. McMahon, again, the one thing that struck me very clearly - because you know when you do the right thing, you've got that feeling in your heart, in the pit of the stomach, you know when you've done the right thing. And at WrestleMania, as Austin's hand was raised, there was a tremendous outpouring of support from Texas for Stone Cold Steve Austin...there was, don't deny it - don't deny that! Hey, don't go back on your fellow Texans, don't deny that - that happened. That happened at WrestleMania! And as a result of that, a number of you, and I quite frankly don't know how many of you contributed, but when I got here to the arena tonight, a number of you and whoever it is, thank you very much, chipped in to buy me a gift in honour of me (Vince McMahon) being here in Texas. I wanna share that with you." Vince opens the box - aha, it's a (white) cowboy hat. Crowd boos as Vince struts. "YEAH! Yeah ah'm a real Texan now! Yeah! I kin step in sum kow krap - hell, I kan chew tobakko! Yeah! I got sum red all down mah neck back here in the back - yeah - ah'm a real Texan! But you know what? Whoever gave me this hat...let me just say that, uh, [removes hat and places it in front of him] this is what I think of Texas... [grinds loafer into hat]" And now IF YA SMELLLLLLL DOT COM is out to make Vince gulp melodramatically. But first, this chant. "So the Rock'll make this really simple - the Rock is demanding a rematch for the WWF title against Stone Cold Steve Austin...the Rock is demanding it tonight...right here in Texas." "Well, Rock...Stone Cold's not even hear yet, that's just not gonna happen, I mean....["Rock E!"]...no matter how much support you've got from these people, no Rock...I don't think so." "Well let the Rock just say this: one more time, he wants his return match, and if you don't give it to the Rock right now, the Rock - he'd just as soon as find a way for you to change your mind!" And he makes the walk down the ramp to the ring, drops the mic, parts the ropes - Vince asks him to calm down. "Really. Rock...calm down. Listen...I can't give you your match tonight, and quite frankly, I'm not going to, but if you lay a hand on me, I swear to you, Rock, if you happen to lay one..." "The Rock will give you one more chance to change your mind." "I'm warning you - you lay one hand on me, there'll be repercussion--" Rock with a right - Vince is down like a sack of potatoes. Rock stands over Vince - Sharpshooter! Ring the fucking bell! Oh, no...sorry, wrong city. Vince TAPS OUT (like that'll help) and Rock actually *does* break the hold - maybe Vince relented? "Now you tell the Rock one more time - does the Rock have his shot?" "....yes. Dammit, yes!" Play his music! Rock is all the way back up the ramp before Vince is back on the stick. "Hey Rock! Hey Rock! Yeah, you get your championship match tonight - but you know what? You're gonna get it...in a steel cage. TNN inserts ten frames from three different shows at this point - WHY do they do that? And we play "No Chance in Hell" again - as we fade to the break, Heyman lets loose with an "oh my God..."
I think everyone owes the WWF an apology - that opening segment didn't last twenty minutes! It only lasted *seventeen!*
A rematch of the WrestleMania event one night later - a cage match no less? Not only are people who buy pay-per-views idiots, but Vince REALLY wants to hook those viewers who didn't have any WCW to watch and only turned to TNN out of withdrawl! And hell, that'll probably count for what... three tenths of a rating point?
Moments Ago - you were probably watching some other show, so here's another chance to check out Rock and Vince having fun on stage. Aha, he *did* say "you got the match" while in the Sharpshooter - so I guess that replay WAS a good thing to have. Nah, it still sucks.
EDDIE GUERRERO & DEAN MALENKO & SUPERSTAR PERRY SATURN (with Nipples & WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover) v. TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST and ACOLYTES - Test's music is cut off at Guerrero's behest. "Hey, homie - I seem to realise ese vato you're missing something, ahhh that's right man, you're missing the European Championship! I also see you happen to be missing something else - a coupla friends, maybe - a couple of guys to come help you compete - well just to show you I'm not that mean a--" but the music hits and out come the reinforcements. Test makes a beeline for Guerrero, who decides to skip out on staying in the ring. Bradshaw shoulderblocks Malenko, who rolls out - Bradshaw over to help Faarooq with a double neckbreaker on Saturn. Looks like we'll have one on one as referee "Blind" Jack Doan puts Bradshaw out. Kick by Faarooq, kick, Saturn manages an arm wringer off the whip attempt and pancakes him down. Right hand by Saturn, right, off the ropes, but Faarooq powerslams him. Tag to Bradshaw - knee, elbow, into the ropes, head down, swinging neckbreaker by Saturn. Tag to Malenko - off the ropes but Bradshaw hits a shoulderblock. Fallaway slam! Guerrero leaps off the top - Bradshaw catches *him* and HE gets a fallaway slam. Saturn with a forearm from behind - there's the exploder - Malenko and Guerrero doubleteam the stomping while Doan keeps Faarooq and Test from coming in. Guerrero puts a shin across the throat - then goes to the blatant choke. Tag to Malenko, open kick. Into the ropes, nice heel kick by Malenko. Bradshaw punches back, Malenko tags in Saturn - knees from both - head to the buckle, right, right, right, Saturn gets to pummelin' and Doan pulls him off. Bradshaw comes back - right, right, right, knee, hard into the corner, but Bradshaw barrels out with a shoulderblock. Saturn somersaults over to a tag of Guerrero...but Bradshaw tags Test! Guerrero puts on the brakes and offers the Hand of Friendship - Test slaps it away, hairpull take down, lariat, clothesline, right, right, into the corner, press as he comes back - into snake eyes - gutshot, gutwrench into a vicious powerbomb - Malenko saves at 2. Malenko right, right, right, off the ropes...Test with a tilt-a-whirl slam. Saturn in from behind - death suplex - and there's the moss-covered, three-handled family gredunza (swinging fishermanbuster)! But Faarooq breaks up the bridge at 3. Well, all six men are in now and I think we've lost control here. Four men spill out - Test puts Saturn into the ropes - full nelson - Uncle Slam - 1, 2, NO!! Terri is up on the apron...Test brings HER in - he's gonna give her a Meltdown!? Saturn saves her, pulling her away...but then runs into the Big, Big Boot - leg is hooked - 1, 2, 3. (4:07) Heyman reminds us that chivalry will bite you in the ass every time.
William Regal is on the phone with his mother about how evil Chris Jericho is - there's a knock at the door...it's Stephanie. She wants to be assured that Trish Stratus won't be able to weasel her way out of this match tonight. Somehow this leads to Stephanie (not) "dramatically" whipping Regal's desk repeatedly.
Kaneoke Stacker 2
Kane items or less Stacker 2
And now, Lugz presents the WWF Boot of the Week! From WrestleMania, Chyna accepts a phone call from 1976 - Lynda Carter wants her outfit back
Here's a look at the Ft. Worth skyline - y'all y'all y'all
TONIGHT: It's a Whipping match!
Your hosts are LARRY KING & PAUL HEYMAN. Last night, we had five championships change hands - here are stills of all the new champions as "My Way" plays for the first time. Congratulations to Chris Jericho for managing to be the only man to hold onto his title at the end of the night - congratulations to Whoever the Light Heavyweight Champion is for dropping off the face of the earth with HIS title as well
Stills from TLC II
Vince asks Commissioner Regal "you do know what to do?" Regal says he knows exactly what to do. Vince says good, he'll be able to go take care of his business with Steve Austin, then.
Meanwhile, Triple H is WALKING! MICHAEL KING COLE will be playing the part of Dave Meltzer. "Triple H, excuse me, Triple H, can I just get your thoughts on something that rarely occurs - a loss last night by you, to the Undertaker." "How many days in a year?" "365." "Right, 365 - well, 364 days this year, I have been kicking everyone's ass in the World Wrestling Federation. One night - ONE NIGHT - I have a bad night. And I'm not taking anything away from the Undertaker - hell, he did exactly what he said he was gonna do: the Undertaker rolled into WrestleMania, and he showed the world that he was he big dog....because he said he was gonna beat me...and he did. But I loved every second of it. Every punch, every kick, everything we did - I loved. I cannot wait to get in the ring with him again - and I can guarantee you this: when we go again, the outcome, it won't be the same. When this is over, when it's ALL...over...the Undertaker will know that I am The Game." "Oh, Triple H, one other question? I just wanted to get your thoughts on, uh, Stone Cold Steve Austin winning the WWF title with the help of your father-in-law, Mr. McMahon. What I mean is...is did you know anything about it?" "What do you think?"
Meanwhile, Trish Stratus is WALKING! And repeatedly smacking her hand with a strap!
"WrestleMania: the Official Insider's Story" ad
Let's see....forty minutes....one match...yeah, that's about right.
Steve Richards talks while the cameraman does a slow 360 to find him/herself surrounded by men in white shirts and black ties...oh and Ivory, too. "When we fall...we must get up...and continue to fight the good fight, because it is bigger than all of us combined. At WrestleMania, we LOST the Women's title. At WrestleMania, we LOST our tag team match. But people, one thing we did not lose was our convictions, and tonight, we will fight fire with fire and go after the one thing we despise most in the world - the hardcore title. And tonight on RAW, we will show Kane and the entire world just how deep our convictions run."
STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT (with Let Us Take You Back to DysfunctionalMania) v. TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL DOT COM in a whipping match - Stephanie decides to remove her hands from her hips long enough to run up the ramp and bowl over Trish. ("Shane? Could you teach me that spear thing?") Down the ramp they roll - Stratus laying in the boots. Into the ring we go - Stratus removes her jacket (yay!) and goes back for her strap...into the ring, but Stephanie is waiting - hairpull, head to the buckle, and now a choke with the strap. Stephanie climbs up to the second rope - then tries to hang Stratus. Mared into the centre. And there's a DDT! Stephanie crawls over to grab the strap - whip! Whip! Whip! Well, you get the idea - ooh, right in the buttocks! Stratus manages to kick her off - mount - right and left slaps. Still got her hair...here comes the bulldog. Stratus grabs the strap - whip! Whip! Whip! Whip! Whip! Right in the booty! Stephanie crawls outside - Trish follows - whip! Whip! Whip! Whip! Whip! Stephanie rolls onto JR - whip! Whip! Whip! Stephanie, desperate, grabs ringside flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA and uses her as a shield. Garcia, as you can imagine, is less than thrilled at this prospect. Stephanie shoves her into Trish - and down they both go. Referee "Blind" Chad Patton is mostly content to watch most of this, and really, who can blame him. Back into the ring we go - gutshot by Stephanie, short clothesline, got BOTH straps - and now windmilling her about the assal area. Stephanie stomps on her butt a bit. Up to the second rope - she's gonna Vaderbomb her! - oh, no, Trish is gonna sweep her leg and Stephanie is going to very gently drape herself across the top buckle. Whip in the butt! Whip! Whip! Whip! Whip! (THERE'S a camera angle I don't ever need to see again) Whip! Whip! Well here comes COMMISSIONER REGAL - pulling off Stratus and applying the Union Jack - well, *attempting* to; Stratus kinda fell down about a half second early, but why quibble when there's no competition...Regal holds down Stratus for Stephanie to rub her bottom - no, wait, grab a strap and take it to Stratus' midsection - here comes CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO - right for Regal, right, tossed over the top to the floor - and outside to keep Stephanie from using the strap any more - Stephanie runs up the ramp and away. Play his music? What a waste of our time. (No contest 4:55) See, both Jericho and Stratus are BLONDES, so *that's* why he came to her rescue...
TONIGHT: WWF CHAMPIONSHIP STEEL CAGE MATCH
XFL on TNN hype
Stephanie berates Regal for letting Jericho come out tonight - not to mention win at WrestleMania. Regal says he'll take care of Jericho tonight...and spontaneously books him in a handicap match against himself and Kurt Angle.
CRASH (with Molly Holly - already in the ring & RAW is WAR is brought to you by Foot Locker, FRAM! FRAM! FRAM! and Stacker 2) v. RHYNO (already in the ring after the ads are over) - oh, I don't like the looks of this, fans. Right by Rhyno, right by Crash, right by Rhyno, right, right, right, right, right, right, into the opposite corner, boot up by Crash, right by Crash, right, right, ducks a right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, Rhyno brings him up but Crash busts out a flying headscissors takeover! Head to the buckle, kick, kick, into the opposite corner is reversed, but Crash steps out and Rhyno shoulders the buckle. Missile dropkick by Crash - NO SALE! There's the gore - and there's your match. (0:56) For an encore, Molly climbs up top and hits the Molly-go-round...but then turns her back to check on Crash. NO SALE! Gore #2. I don't know about you, but *I* am going to go start an online petition RIGHT NOW because it's not RIGHT when heavyweights squash the light heavyweight champion like that.
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY asks Debra how she feels about Mr. McMahon helping out her husband last night. "Kevin, I was just as surprised everyone else out there that night." "Did you know anything about it beforehand?" "Kevin, I just can't talk about it right now. I'm sorry."
As "My Way" plays for the second time, here's a still of the handshake that shook the world...or something
RAW is WAR comes to the San Jose Arena 21 May! They still haven't taken Lawler out of the local spots. Tix go on sale Saturday April 14th at 10am - I'll be sure to try to get some front row tix online, and get screwed by heavy server volume (but this time you have working DSL!) Hmm...yes...I see...
TONIGHT: Stone Cold Steve Austin battles the Rock! By God, this BETTER pop a rating! Hey, is it Sweeps month again?
BILLIONAIRE VINCE comes to ringside again, carrying the WWF Championship title belt on his shoulder - pausing briefly to give it a cuff shine. Here's the RAW credits, here's the TV-14-DLV-CC - see, they've set up this segment to compete with the overrun of...oh. "In a moment, the official presentation of the WWF Championship belt. You know, but I couldn't help but earlier own detect, well, for the first time ever, I couldn't detect a few, couldn't help but detect a few boos when Stone Cold Steve Austin's name was mentioned, [the first time EVER?!?] and quite frankly...quite frankly I don't appreciate it, but sometimes it doesn't - doesn't matter what I really appreciate. I am perplexed, though, because at WrestleMania, when Austin won the title, (withalittlehelpperhapsfromVinceMcMahon), you all cheered, so I don't understand, I don't understand why you wouldn't continue to cheer and support Stone Cold Steve Austin after all he's done for you through the years...I...I don't understand this, I mean after all, Austin didn't do anything that any of you don't do on a daily basis. Let's face it - I mean, with the exception of yours truly, every single person in this building has a boss - every single one of you. And by the way, you suck up to your bosses every single day. Yes you do - don't tell me you don't - you kiss your boss' ass if it's necessary - yes you do! So don't blame Stone Cold Steve Austin for doing what each and every one of you do every day, for doing what he had to do to become WWF Champion. So without further ado, allow me to introduce you to Texas' own NEW World Wrestling Federation champion, STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN!" Austin does the four corner pose despite the restrained reaction. "Now that's more like it - that's a Lone Star presentation - thank you very much for that! Stone Cold, it give me great personal and professional pride to present to you, the only man in the World Wrestling Federation *deserving* to be the World Wrestling Federation champion - Stone Cold, you have won this right." Austin takes the belt and poses on a corner. Austin swipes the mic from McMahon. "Now that I got what I wanted from WrestleMania...and now that I got Vince McMahon in this ring by myself...if you want me to whip this sumbitch's ass, gimme a hell yeah. I don't think he heard ya, gimme a hell yeah! .....
...well, it ain't gonna happen tonight. Like I'm supposed to grantcher every single little wish. I'm supposed to let you people feed off of me, sponge off of me like a buncha parasites, am I supposed to continue to do that? And you know what, I look out here...and you people are just the same as the people in the airport, and the little people at homes, watchin' their little colour TV's thinkin' 'WHY STONE COLD WHY?' You know, when I sit there and I said hey, how 'bout a big explanation, and a real slow one for the people here in Texas about why I did what I did - but the way, shut up you little (beeeeeeep) - I'll let everybody know I could whip everybody in that stand's ass. Anyway, gettin' back to the explanation - the way... ["Rock E!"] ...oh, I'll get to the Rock in just a second. The way I got it figured, I don't owe ya no explanation. Basically, I got it figured I don't owe you people a damn thing. And since you wanna chant ROCKY ROCKY ROCKY I got something to say about that too. Rock, you come out here like some kinda bigshot tough guy and put Vince McMahon, you little mealy-mouth (beep), you put *Mr.* McMahon in a Sharpshooter In This Very Ring - eh eh! That's something you just don't do! So tonight, Rock, when they drop that steel cage, don't figure on S-- don't figure on Stone Cold being the champion for 24 hours - you can walk your little carcass out here, raise your eyebrow as many times as you want. Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna bounce your little candyass around that cage, lay the smack down on ya right In This Very Ring, and basically that's all I got ta say about that." "And that's the bottom line, 'cause Mr. McMahon SAID so!" Heyman makes sure we all heard him say *Mr.* McMahon - hey, I PUT asterisks around it, what more do you want? We cut from "No Chance in Hell" to see Triple H watching this on a monitor...and shaking his head with a sneer. Vince pauses to drink it all in at the top of the ramp. Rock is also watching a monitor...he's none too pleased.
HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: BALD VENIS (with Steven Richards) v. KANE - Heyman (who is "tapped into the Internet fanbase") does a hilarious impression of Ross kissing Austin's ass - Ross says "you better know when to step off, Jack, or you'll be back in a bingo hall - ALONE!" Venis with a can in the back - whack - right, right, right, into the opposite corne, no Kane holds on - Venis kicks, right, right, whip DOES work but it's reversed - Kane puts Venis in the corner - right, right, right, right, uppercut puts him down. Kane stands on the neck. Big clothesline. Off the ropes with an elbowdrop. Scooped up - Venis punches to free himself - knee, knee, knee, knee, off the ropes...and into a powerslam. 1, 2, no. Venis put in the corner, Kane follows up with a clothesline. Sidewalk slam. Kane grabs a trashcan lid. In comes Richards - he falls to a big boot. Lid to the head - TIMBER! Venis has a can - can to the head! Clothesline takes Kane out, but he lands on his feet - Venis runs the ropes and hits a baseball slide dropkick. Kane run into the STEEL steps. Sign WHACK! Kane rolled back in, Venis follows. Gutshot - DDT. Cover - leg is hooked - 2. Heyman says Venis wants to win the title so the Right to Censor can retire the hardcore championship - gooooo Venis! Choke on the second rope. Right, right, right, right, right, Kane takes them all and throws a right of this own - right - into the ropes, Venis ducks the clothesline, gutsthot, side Russian legsweep...oops, forgot to take Kane with him. Right by Kane. Boot up by Venis. Second rope clothesline finds the mark. 1, 2, Kane lifts the shoulder. You know a REAL bad habit that Ross has slipped into lately is he's REALLY started to enjoy saying "scoring with a..." while calling moves. See, he's NOT scoring - this here sport isn't SCORED. "They don't score it on points in this game, Ross." "Kane scoring with those right hands..." NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO STOP ROSS STOP STOP STOP STOP NO NO NO NOBODY IS SCORING WITH ANYTHING all right I'm done with that. I'm sorry. I mean, here I was calling this match - which feels like it's gone on for about an hour, by the way - and all of a sudden....at this rate, I'll NEVER get this report done. Maybe it's a BAD thing that I don't have the pressure of getting two reports done on a Monday night... Venis runs Kane's head into the buckle. Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, standing on the neck. Right hand...Kane absorbs it. Again, Kane's head is rammed into the top turnbuckle. Venis positions a can between the ropes in the corner - right, right, right, whip into the can is reversed and Venis hits it - maybe he shouldn't have gone to the trouble... Venis slowly up as Kane scales the corner - there's the infamous "my feet land before the clothesline hits but I hope you don't notice" by Kane - cover - 1, 2, thank God 3. (1:05:44, give or take an hour) Hey here come WALL BUCHANAN & GOODFATHER - perhaps I should stop calling him Wall with no WCW...the three-way stompfest stops as TAKER saunters down to the ring and the Fun Brothers get to chokeslamming. Kane's music plays again - Kane sets the ringposts ablaze, which is the cue to play "Rollin'." Taker hands Kane his belt - and they share a moment of brotherly booyah.
Triple H is still WALKING! He catches up to Regal and asks where Vince is. "You mean, Mr. McMahon, don't you?" "No, I mean Vince. I mean my father-in-law. I mean the man that hid this whole...kissy thing with Stone Cold Steve Austin from me. I mean the man that screwed me over." "Listen to me, I don't like the tone of your voice, sunshine, so you better calm it down a little bit." "I don't care what you like, you little limey piece of crap. You tell me where Vince is. And if I find out you knew anything about this, I will kick your ass. Now you tell me: where is Vince?" Regal folds.
WWF: The Music (Volume 5) ad
When we come back, Vince is fixing himself coffee....and here comes Triple H. "Hey! You and I need to talk. What the hell's going on around here, huh? You keep me in the dark on stuff?" "Easy.." H slaps the coffee out of his hand. "Don't tell me easy - don't tell me easy! You're gonna keep me in the dark on things, huh? You wanna let me not know what's going on, when stuff like this...GOD Vince, come on! Austin! Stone Cold Steve Austin! I spent the last year of my life kickin' his ass for ME and for YOU and you're not gonna tell me about something like this? What the HELL is going on?" "Look, I didn't tell you what was gonna go down at WrestleMania simply because, at the time, I didn't feel it was any of your business, let's face it - hang on. Stone Cold asked me for my help - you didn't, all right? Stone Cold was a winner at WrestleMania, Triple H - and you weren't." H messes up a catering table as Vince walks off.
CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with Castrol Motor Oily presents Backlash - Drive Hard!) v. COMMISSIONER REGAL and KING KURT ANGLE (with WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover) - Regal's chest still shows signs of wear from last night's big chops from Jericho. Regal wants to start. Feeling out process - oh, Angle wants to start with a sneak attack, but Jericho has caught on to that and punches him down - only to take a left from Regal. Left, left, left, left, left, left, into the corner, elbow by Jericho - missile dropkick from the second rope. Regal tags Angle - who runs into a hiplock. Free shot for Regal, kick for Angle, springboard dropkick for Regal, Angle from behind. Right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Angle goes behind but Jericho drops down and rolls him up - then goes for the Walls of Jericho! But Regal comes in with a kick in the face. Angle stomps, stomp, kick, stomp, kick, kick, kick...tag, kick by Angle, kick by Regal, arm whip takeover, stomp, arm wringer, pulling on it, one more wrenching of the arm. European uppercut, Euro uppercut, Jericho goes down. Stomp. Stomp. Into the corner is reversed - Regal stops himself in the corner, but bounces back into a spinning heel kick. Chop by Jericho, chop, chop, into the ropes is reversed - but Jericho pops Angle on the apron. Gutshot for Regal, off the ropes with the bulldog - Lionsault ("Jericho scores with the Lionsault" AHHHH SHUT UP ROSS) - 1, 2, Angle BARELY beats the count but does. Jericho with a forearm shot to Angle, and goes out after him. Head to the STEEL steps. Jericho climbs the corner - missile dropkick coming up....oh, no, I meant to say "Angle crotches him." Regal up to the top floor - butterfly superplex (!) "scoring for Regal." 1, 2, no! Angle gets the tag - stomp, right, right, into the ropes, head down, kick by Jericho, off the ropes, gutshot by Angle, Olympic Slam - Regal wants the pin so he gets the tag - 1, 2, NO!! Too much time waving, I guess. Regal with his patented knees to the head - Jericho puts in the ropes, but he hits the flying jalapeno! Off the ropes, kick, off the ropes, THIS time Angle chairs him - Regal hits the Union Jack, and that's gonna be 3. (4:35) Angle and Regal continue to stomp on Jericho after the bell - and now Angle puts on the Anglelock! Jericho taps (like that'll help) but he ends up being saved by CHRIS JERICHO - OR CHRIS BENOIT - Ross can't tell them apart, I guess. Shot for Regal...Angle clears the ring - more shots for Regal, who decides to leave as well. Heyman says Benoit would never save Chris Jericho - he just did it to get Angle. Just to be sure, we watch Benoit and Jericho stare at each other uneasily for a while. Wait....will they shake hands? Will they go at it? Jericho approaches Benoit...no, he drops down and slips underneath the bottom rope to walk away. Here's a replay of our finish - and subsequent save by Benoit. Coming back live, Jericho is backing up the ramp...and Benoit's gaze isn't leaving him.
Earlier Tonight, Shane McMahon arrived at WWF New York - lookit that eye!
TONIGHT: in a cage, it's Austin and Rock for the title!
Kane - again
Kane again - again
And now, Castrol Motor Oily presents the WWF Slam of the Week! From WrestleMania, Edge spears a hanging in midair Jeff Hardy.
THA 1 BILLY GUNN (with WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover & Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) v. X-PAC (with Justin Credible & Yaaaaaaaaaalbert) - Lockup, side headlock by Gunn, into the ropes, shoulderblock by Gunn - up and over, leapfrog by X-Pac, side Russian legsweep by Gunn, 1, 2, no. Arm wringer...X-Pac gets to the ropes and referee "Blind" Mike Chioda forces the break. Let's see if Gunn runs any more this match. Gutshot by X-Pac, right, right, chop, whip is reversed (no running by Gunn), X-Pac ducks a clothesline and gunn powerslams him. Credible on the apron - Gunn lunges for him but he jumps back. X-Pac runs for Gunn, but he sidesteps it and helps him over the top to the floor. Gunn out after him - head to the barricade, rolled back in - catches Credible's superkick and shoves him off - but that was enough distraction for X-Pac to hit a baseball slide. X-Pac back in...then pulling aside Chioda while Credible stomps on Gunn and throws him back in. Gunn put in the corner - right by X-Pac, right, Gunn comes back with a right, right, right, off the ropes (hey that's running by Gunn!) but into a spinning heel kick by X-Pac....for 2. In the corner, X-Pac hits his kick trifecta - Gunn falls down to catch his breath while X-Pac starts the gallop for his broncobuster...and hits it. X-Pac runs at him again - but ends up in a tilt-a-whirl slam. Gunn with a running clothesline, a bleep, another clothesline, X-Pac put in the corner - press and slam, shot for Credible on the apron, Fame'Asser for 'Pac, but Albert is in and he's hit the Baldobomb. See, Chioda is still tied up with Credible and...well, suffice to say that X-Pac gets the cover and the 1, 2, 3, 'cause he usually doesn't job in singles matches, see. (3:05) Post-match, Gunn is whipped (he kinda jogs) into the corner, yaaaaah splash, then run into a double superkick from X-Pac and Justin Credible. Play their music again! Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo - replay of the splash and the double superkick.
Earlier Tonight, Shane was gladhanding at WWF New York - we'll talk to him later tonight (until Vince pulls the plug).
XFL on NBC hype - holy cow! The Demons on NBC? The SAN FRANCISCO Demons? Can that be RIGHT? Surely they mean the New York/New Jersey Hitmen, right? Not the DEMONS!
The cage is being erected! Huh huh erected
Here's some stills from DysfunctionalMania as "My Way" is played for the third time - I think it's the third time, tonight. Heyman says Benny Hinn is responsible for Linda McMahon rising from her wheelchair. Ross and Heyman fail to say "Rob Van WHO?"
Going to WWF New York, where Shane points to himself with his thumbs and says WrestleMania was awesome, but he's conflicted about beating up his father. Crowd chants "WCW" - who'd ever think we'd hear *that?* Shane says now that WrestleMania is over and Linda is doing okay, he's going go to turn his attention to his business - and things will get interesting. As for Linda, Shane hopes that next time she kicks Vince, it'll be in a place that'll hurt even more than in his gonads - in his checkbook.
Michael King Cole stands with the Rock. "Stone Cold Steve Austin - you don't wanna give a reason why you did what you did at WrestleMania - well the Rock KNOWS exactly why you did what you did at WrestleMania. Because Stone Cold, you know deep down inside, in your heart, in your soul, one in one, face to face, man to man, you know *damn* well you can't beat the Rock! And Stone Cold, that's something that eats you up inside - eats you up alive! Last night at WrestleMania, the biggest of all time, the biggest match of all time, you gave the Rock all you had, and after every chairshot, after every Stunner, the Rock kicked out, and after every kickout the Rock saw the panic, the desperation, the FEAR in your eyes. And last but damn sure not least, the Rock saw a look of relief when Vince McMahon came walkin' down that aisle. So Austin, if you got the guts, if you got the (beep)s to meet the Rock in the ring tonight for the WWF title - steel cage match, RAW is WAR, with the state of mind the Rock's in, the state of mind I am in...Austin...you say you don't owe the people anything. Well the Rock owes the People something. He owes them... wippin' your candyass all over the Lone Star State!"
Meanwhile, Stone Cold Steve Austin is WALKING!
"Mick Foley: Hard Knocks and Cheap Pops" video ad
WWF CHAMPIONSHIP: IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLLL DOT COM v. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN within the confines of the STEEL cage - Austin's introduction is by BILLIONAIRE VINCE: "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the World Wrestling Federation champion, Stone Cold Steve Austin!" McMahon walks down to the ring with Austin. Austin starts to enter the cage...but backs off when Rock tries to get close. Again he tries - again Rock comes after him, so Austin drops off to the floor - and slams the door on his head!! Austin pulls Rock out - right, right, right, the opening bell rings even though they're on the outside, right, Rock runs off but Austin follows - right, right, right, right, right is blocked, Rock with a right, right, right, double bird, right. Rock stays on him - head to the commentary table - Rock shoves him over the top of the commentary table, spreads his legs and karate chops what's between 'em. Rock takes Austin to the timekeeper's table and runs him into the bell. Shot with the WWF title belt! Austin is busted open. Rock with a right, right, right, head to the commentary table - AGAIN he's shoved over the top. Right. Rock carries Austin to the barricade - then rams his head into the cyclone fencing of the cage! One more cage shot. Rock grinds Austin's face along the cage - and now he's making coleslaw with his forehead! Rock puts Austin in the cage - and now, two minutes after the bell, we're actually getting underway. Referee "Blind" Tim White joins them in the ring as the door is locked behind them. Rock stomps, stomp, stomp, Austin to the eyes. Right, right, right, into the ropes, Rock ducks, Rock ducks again, flying clothesline lands. Leg is hooked - 1, 2, no! Rock whips Austin, reversed, knee in the midsection by Austin. Right hand by Austin. Ross says it's scoring BUT IT'S NOT Double leg by Austin - WOW catapult coming up - Rock's head hits the top turnbuckle - ding! Spinebuster by Austin - 1, 2, no! Austin mounts - right, right, right, right, right, right, stomp right on the People's Jimmy. Austin asks for a chair - and Vince brings one in. Oh, I guess tha door ISN'T locked. Austin with the point of the edge of the chair to Rock's sternum - and again! Austin winds up one more time...but Rock takes him down with a double leg and slips on the Sharpshooter!! Austin quickly (frantically?) crawls to the rope but Rock pulls him back to the centre before he gets there! Worse, McMahon is up on the apron drawing White's attention! Austin is actually *tapping* (I hope Teddy Long doesn't see that out on the floor) but White is still talking with McMahon. Finally, Rock releases the hold, walks over to White and tells him to stop jawing with McMahon. Austin tries to get him from behind, but ends up in the spinebuster. Rock tosses the elbowpad over the cage (nice) and hits the People's Elbow! 1, 2, McMahon pulls White out, holding his arm and preventing the third count the whole way. Rock gets bleeped shouting out to both men. McMahon giving White what for - WHITE JUST SHOVED HIM!! White back in the ring - Rock is poised for it - Austin up and woozy - staggering - turning round - ROCK BOTTOM!! 1, 2, McMAHON WITH A DOUBLE SLEDGE IN WHITE'S BACK!!! (Well, his arm DID fall a third time...) McMahon is barking to an unconscious zebra - Rock catches up to McMahon and rams him headfirst into the cage - and Rock bolts the door! Rock flies onto McMahon and takes him down - peppering him with right hands, double birds, setting up for Rock Bottom...but Austin is up from behind with an uppernut! Austin with an elbow to the back of the head, stomp, stomp, stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp - meanwhile, McMahon has decked White and now HE is stomping away on Rock. Austin knees Rock right in the groin. Elbowdrop by Austin, stomp, stomp - what? THE NEW MAN runs out to the ring with his sledgehammer, gets in the ring...shoves McMahon aside and stares down Austin - neither man is averting their eyes - NOOOOO Triple H just gave the Rock the sledgehammer! Austin smiles as Triple H repeatedly drives the sledgehammer head into Rock's chest - Austin stomps on his head - and McMahon holds back the referee. Rock is run headfirst into the cage - gutshot - Pedigree - Austin off the ropes with the Up Yours Elbow - Triple H with the kneedrop off the ropes - Austin and Triple H chatting about what to do next - H removes his shirt and lifts up Rock for Austin's double bird and KICK WHAM STUNNER. Both men drop down and address Rock at close range. Austin calls for his beer and gets three - McMahon stomps on the Rock - one last sledgehammer shot by Triple H - a beer for each of the three men - a smile on Austin's face - a toast - "Step Up" plays - and all three men raise arms.
(No contest? Around 11)