SELF-PROMOTION: To make up for not spending Easter with my family, I did Metal and Heat this week. Come to think of it, THAT'S not entirely true either. What, is this whole report going to be a vicious web of lies? That reminds me - gotta check the SportsLine stock price...

QUICK QUOTES: WWF 13.25 (+ .55, last year: 13 9/16), SPLN 3.95 (- .26, last year: 11 5/8)

BLATANT PLUG *AND* SELF-PROMOTION: Go visit the CRZ EZboard at http://pub30.ezboard.com/bcrz before they decide to pull the plug! Almost 400 registered users, over 100K visits a month, and over fifty million Elvis fans can't be wrong!

TONIGHT: Kurt Angle takes on Chris Jericho, one more time! Also tonight, Jeff Hardy takes on Triple H, one more time! Come back in about seventeen minutes when we'll have this show, one more time! Obviously, I have *Daft Punk on the brain!*

TONIGHT'S SPECIAL MIAMI VICE GUEST STAR: Well, the 7pm one had Vincent D'Onofrio and John Leguizamo but this one was a bit lighter. I mean, sure, he's a good actor and all that, but let's face it: John Glover just isn't as exciting - I'm sorry!

Immediatly after the closing credits this week instead of our usual laserjet refiller ads... One World Leader Attitude - TV-14-DLV - WWF!

LAST WEEK: Jeff Hardy shook up the world! Say...if they play clips of Triple H's Heat promo, does that mean he won't get to talk tonight? Somehow....I doubt it

Opening Credits

3.14159RO AWAY - we are LIVE from the University of Tennessee and Transmitido en espanol SAP on TNN *and* TSN *and* WWFNY - the arena is unnamed but JUST FOR DEL (who doesn't read these things) I looked up that this is, in fact, the Thompson-Boling Arena in Knoxville, TN and the Patriot's Day (observed) 2001 episode is underway...THIS is WWF RAW IS WAR

BILLIONAIRE VINCE makes a swagger and a strut and a down to the ring he goes for our opening interview. Tonight, the Hollys get their tag team title shot, and Chris Jericho goes one on one with Kurt Angle! "Well, can you believe it? You know, it was just one week ago I was here In This Very Ring, and believe it or not...there... ["ass hole!"] Before I was so rudely interrupted, it was here In This Very Ring a week ago when I was - me - me (Vince McMahon) - I was on my knees. I was looking up, trying to reason with my wife (Linda) when my wife (Linda) callously looked down upon me and asked for a divorce. Which is exactly what brings me before you here tonight. Because, quite frankly, I would like to share my thoughts with you on the sacred institution of marriage. You see, I believe that when two people fall in love and ask to be married, and take their vows for better or for worse, I believe those vows should be forever - I believe the marriage itself, should last LITERALLY 'until death do us part.' I do not in any way, ever believe a marriage should end in divorce. I believe divorce should be unlawful - divorce should be illegal - half of the world's problems today are, no doubt, caused by divorce. Think of - think of the hardships of divorce, think of the heartache of divorce. Think think of the effects of divorce on the children, and for those of you who are a male (like me) and have worked your fingers to the bone, think of the effects of divorce when you have to divide your assets...divorce should, indeed, be outlawed. So, therefore, I know my wife Linda is watching at home tonight - and that's why I've come to you publicly - I've come here tonight, and this may not be the news you want to hear, Linda...but for the sake of the *sacred institution of marriage*, for the sake of the fact that many of you around America look at me (Vince McMahon) as a role model...for that sake - Linda, I will NOT grant you a divorce - no, I won't. I will fight it, I will make whatever personal sacrifice I have to make - to make our marriage work." Suddenly, Jeff Jarrett's music hits - and out comes MRS. AUSTIN DOT COM - why is Debra out here and why is she so glum? "Mr. McMahon, I do not believe a WORD you just said. AND I hope to God your wife (Linda) doesn't either. Because I'll tell you one thing, one thing I do know - you had a negative influence on my husband." "Oh now, wait a minute - whoa ho ho - whoa whoa whoa whoa. You believe I've had a negative influence on your husband - no no. Listen, don't blame *me* for Stone Cold Steve actions (whoops, he dropped a word there) as of late - this is all Stone Cold Steve Austin's idea. Don't blame me - don't blame me for what your husband did at WrestleMania, don't blame me for your husband (Stone Cold) you can't even blame me for your husband beating the hell outta the Rock and sending him off forever - don't blame me for that, all right? You can't even blame me for your husband getting together with Triple H, that wasn't my idea either, and it certainly wasn't my idea - you can't blame me for when Stone Cold was being interviewed by by...good old JR, and the beating that JR took at the hands of Stone Cold - you certainly...can't...blame..me. And, you definitely can't blame me, either, you can't blame me for what even Stone Cold did to Lita on Monday Night RAW last Monday - that was an intergender match; that was legal, it was an intergender match. So you can't blame me for your husband's actions; in my view - in my view, my view, your husband is a great man. He is. Not only is he a great man, I'm proud of his personal accomplishments, because now we know the *real* Stone Cold - and I'm proud of what he's become! The World Wrestling Federation champion - I've said before, he's a great man, Debra. And you know, it sort of brings to mind that old adage behind every great man, there's a great woman. Well, uh, Austin certainly is - he's a great man but I guess, I guess maybe YOU'RE the exception to the rule." "Yeah, I DO blame Steve...but I blame you, too--" and she hauls off and SLAPS him one! Crowd *pops.* Play Jeff Jarrett's music again! Vince gives it the old stagger sell as the music hits and she walks off. After the shock wears off, Vince's expression turns to a sneer....

TONIGHT: Kurt Angle takes on Chris Jericho! Triple H (with Stephanie) takes on Jeff Hardy for the intercontinental championship - and coming up next, the WWF tag team titles will be decided!

Wow, tonight's twenty minute interview segment was only ten minutes! Somebody's being nice to me!

RAW is WAR hits the Compaq Centre 21 May! Tix on sale NOW!

Check out that skyline - that U of Tenn skyline

Moments Ago, Debra's not a bad actress - Heyman gets off a good line: "I *abhor* female-on-male violence! It should NEVER air on television!"

Vince walks off, pausing to exclaim "WOMEN!" before getting in his limo and riding away

Meanwhile, Austin leads his wife into his dressing room and directs her to sit. "Sit down. Do you understand what you just did? Look at me, do you understand what you just did? You just slapped Vince McMahon - that's your boss, look at me! I want you to sit your little ass in this chair because I think you've caused enough trouble alerady. Do not leave this spot until I come get you! Understood?" "Yes." "THANK YOU."

WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: WWFEDGECHRISTIAN.COM v. CRASH & KOOL MOE DEE (with Molly Holly) - Edge slips a piece of paper to Heyman, then returns to the ring, where he and Christian (wearing Konnan's sunglasses) give thumbs up to the colour commentator. "By the way, JR, I think it should be said that Edge and Christian are the seven-time champions, and that's - like, radically impressive!" Before the match, RHYNO is in the ring - GORE for Hardcore! Edge screams for referee "Blind" Tim White to get the bell rung because he's covering...1, 2, Crash breaks it up. Edge and Christian work a stompdown while White puts Crash outside. Christian using the ropes to accentuate the stand on the throat. truth Double Feature of the gore. More stomping by Edge - Edge kicks back, they trade rights, Edge back with kicks. Head to the buckle, tag to Christian. Side Russian legsweep. 1, 2, kickout. Right by Holly, right, Edge pops him from behind, turning him around to hit HIM - and he turns back to take Christian's Slop Drop Backbreaker for 2. Christian points to Crash and says "distract the ref!" - well, maybe not, but Crash did come in and distract the ref. Hardcore gets in a few punches, but Edge throats him on the top rope. Lots of tags here - Christian wants the powerbomb but Hardcore is dead weight. Christian with forearms, trying again - Holly reverses into a spinebuster! Both men are down...White is up to 4 as Hardcore gets up - Christian holds the ankle and tags in Edge - clothesline. Snapmares him over and goes to the chinlock. Holly makes it back up, right, right, right, ducks a clothesline, Best Dropkick in the Business lands and they're both down again! Molly starts the rhythmic clapping...tag to Crash! Clothesline, clothesline for Christopher, dropkick for Edge, ducks a clothesline from Christian, gutshot, DDT ("scores" count: one), tornado bulldog for Edge, another for Christian (or are these Acid Drops?) but Edge spears him! White is putting Christian outside, and Molly is on the top rope - and hits the somersault press! Crash covers - 1, 2, NO!! All four men back into it -- Hardcore and Christian tumble over the top and outside - plancha off the top buckle by Crash, but Edge rolls through...he's got a handful of tights! That means it'll work - 1, 2, 3, champs retain. (4:16) Replay of the gore...and the pin.

The Hardyz arrive at the building - MICHAEL KING COLE ambushes Jeff. "Michael, winning the intercontinental title was an amazing accomplishment for me, but there's more to this than just a prize; I mean, what Austin and Triple H did to Lita...it was wrong - it was real wrong! And I know I have to give Triple H his rematch tonight, and that's fine. But there's a little unfinished business that we need to take care of."

Damn, that guy's making fun of Kane's scooter AGAIN - will he *ever* learn all he needs is a little Stacker 2?

On the other hand, will Kane *ever* learn not to take more than ten items to the express checkout?

And now, Lugz presents the WWF Boot of the Week! From SmackDown!, Albert puts Spike Dudley through a table on the floor with the dreaded Baldobomb

The "WCW 1" limousine pulls up, which can only mean Shane McMahon's arrival is imminent! YES! He's...he's WALKING!

JUSTIN CREDIBLE (with Justin Otherguy & Yaaaaaaaaaaalbert and RAW is WAR is brought to you by the JVC Giga-Tube, Foot Locker's House of Hoops, and Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli) v. BUH BUH RAY DAMN DUDLEY (with D-Von Damn Dudley & WWFDudleyBoyz.com & the wwf.com logo) - Right by Dudley, right, into the corner hard. Into the other corner - Credible backs into a death suplex. Overhand forearm, right, head to the buckle, open-handed slap, deafening "X-Pac sucks" chant. Into the ropes, back elbow by Dudley. Into the ropes again, reversal, 'Pac grabs the ankle...Dudley pulls him up but 'Pac hits a hot shot ("scores" count: two) and Dudley staggers back to take a superkick. D-Von over to try to get 'Pac, who runs - and D-Von misses spotting the oncoming scissors kick from Albert! Credible with a right, right, right, kick, snapmare, off the roeps, rolling neck snap, truth Double Feature of the scissors kick. Clothesline. Choke on the second rope - while referee "Blind" Teddy Longn breaks it up, X-Pac gets a free shot. Credible with a gutshot...and a DDT. 1, 2, shoulder up. Crowd wants...something. Right by Credible, Dudley fires back, right by Credible, knee by Credible, right, ("scores" count: three), kick, kick, kick, standing on the neck. Into the ropes is reversed, Credible slips under and hits the waistlock, standing switch, forearm in the back by Dudley, Buh Buh Bomb! Both men are down...Dudley with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, into the ropes, BIG back body drop, clothesline, Credible begs off (heh) - Dudley with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine" again, into the corner - Credible flips up and back... Dudley with a death suplex ("sidewalk slam," says Ross - ooh, it's catching) - Dudley up top - but the senton MISSES! Credible quickly to the second rope...but Dudley manages to hit a Buh Buh Cutter as Credible flies off - 1, 2, Albert pulled Credible away. X-Pac in to hit a spinning heel kick - Credible covers - 1, 2, NO!!!!!!!!! X-Pac is up on the apron to argue the cadence - Dudley over to punch him off. *Albert* up on the apron to argue...but all HE does is allow D-Von to slip in and deliver "What Are You Doing?" behind Long's back after Buh Buh Ray scoop slams him. Back around, 1, 2, 3. (4:25)

Backstage, Shane catches up to Grand Master Sexay "YO! Shano Mac - what up, dog? Gimme some, gimme some, gimme some, don't let go...yeah, that's cool. Hey man, you know what you did to yo pops Vinnie Mac, that booya attack - that took some major sack. Hey man, and everybody wants to know - what up with the wisiwah?" "The what?" "The WCW! How's it doin'?" "Check this out - WCW is sublime, it's just a matter of time!" "Sublime, time, I like it, that's cool!" "Hey, I'll holler atcha later, I'll drop you a dime." "A DIME! He don't stop! I love it! Hey Showski!" "BEAT IT." "Ain't gotta be so mean, Jolly Green." "What's up, man...tell me you're here to check out my match tonight." "Actually, I'm not - I'm here to confront my father, but since he took off, you know, that's what I'm gonna go do too." "I understand all that, but you gotta stay around, you gotta catch my match, I'm telling you right now - ME against Kaientai - can you believe those two little (beep - why would they bleep "goobers?") have challenged me?" "Handicap?" "Handicap! Those two against me, they called me out. Dude, you know I'm just totally gonna get my stuff OFF tonight. You gotta hang around and watch it - you gotta check it out." "I'll check it out from the hotel, Show. OK? I'm outta here." "Hey, you know, we got, you know, we go way back - we gotta talk, you know - I got some ideas I wanna run by you, you know what I'm sayin'? Cool!" Show makes the "yes!" fist.

Meanwhile, Cole stands by - we are told he will get a word with Stone Cold Steve Austin when we come back! Come back FOR MICHAEL COLE

One more time, but THIS time for a million dollars - the San Francisco Demons and the Los Angeles Extreme battle Saturday and it could be the last NBC game ever so you better WATCH!

Answer me this: What exactly does UNCLE BEN know about PASTA?

And now, the WWF Slam of the Week, brought to you by Castrol! From SmackDown!, the RTC manages to implode AND explode at the same time!

JONATHAN COACHMAN sits with Steven Richards. Hey, this isn't Cole and Austin! "Despite the WWF's wishes for the Right to Censor to lay by the wayside, what happened last Thursday was the culmination of months of frustration for the Right to Censor in our failure in our efforts to recruit people. So we turned on each other...and we feel terrible about that. But tonight, I will right the wrong. Tonight, I will lead the charge. Tonight, Mr. Coachman, I fight for rightousness. Tonight, I fight for justice. Tonight, I fight for the title that we oppose the most - the Hardcore title. And after my victory over Kane tonight on RAW, I will be united with my brothers and sister once again...even if I have to sacrifice myself to do so." Did somebody just say "we're out?"

Meanwhile, Kurt Angle bitches to Edge & Christian about Regal's booking - why would he book himself against Benoit and Angle against Jericho? Regal walks up behind him while Edge and Christian try to tell him so - "I think he has the mad cow disease or something." Christian: "*cough*rightbehindyou*cough*" "And that fake accent - please, who is he kidding?" "Excuse me, could I have a word with you?" "Fine, but what's the deal? I mean, I want Benoit, you should want Jericho. What is going on here?" "That's what I have come to talk to you about. Let's take a little wander to my office and we'll adjourn over some tea." Christian: "*cough*Regal'steaisurine*cough*" Angle: "Hey, Christian - you should see a doctor about that."

Meanwhile, Cole stands with Austin - Triple H lost the intercontinental title after he left the arena. And then the thing with his wife - man, it's been a bum couple of days for him, hasn't it? "First of all, don't talk about my wife - are you writing a life story? A book about Stone Cold Steve Austin? No you're not - shut up! As far as the Hardy Boyz go, it took two men with a steel chair to beat Triple H for the intercontinental title, they cheated--" Whoa! Matt Hardy up from behind with a sneak attack! Into the clangy pipes! Hardy gets some pretty good rights in. The refs are a bit late to break it up but eventually order is restored. Austin pops up, furious. "You son of a bitch...you SON OF A BITCH!"

I think the scariest thing I saw in this ad for "A Knight's Tale" was this credit: "'We are the Champions' Performed by Robbie Williams + Queen" - brrrrrrrrrrr

"The Mummy Returns" ad

Moments Ago, you seen it.

The Helmsleys react to what they've just seen on the monitor. Austin barges in, demanding they go get some retaliation. H says they're not gonna do that - the Hardyz WANT to get beat up so Jeff is too injured to compete tonight, keeping his belt. "I just got my ass whipped!" H tells Austin he's not gonna do anything to jeopardize his title shot - and in his state of mind, he doesn't even want him out during his match. He asks him to just head back to the hotel and most of all, CALM DOWN. "Trust me on this....trust me." "Fine - fine..." and off he stomps. "I'll take care of it."

WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: STEVEN RICHARDS (with righttocensor.com) v. SCOOTER (with WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover) - Richards is HARDCORE - he's LOOSENING HIS TIE!! Plunder tossed into the ring, and he grabs a garbage can - WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! NO SAAAALE! Kane with a right, Richards goes down. Tossed over the top to the floor - Kane following - and now, alongside the aisle we go - right by Kane, into the safety rail, right hand, into the steel stairway next to the stage. Richards whipped into a standing tool case. Behind the curtain we go - right hand by Kane. Richards tossed into the garage door. Later tonight, Triple H takes on Jeff Hardy! Richards whipped into another safety rail. Uppercut. Kane tosses a plastic garbage can into Richards' back. Right. 2x4 shot...JUST misses! Richards tries to hide under a semi as Venis, then Goodfather, then Buchanan ambush Kane...the tripleteam is thwarted when Undertaker arrives - he was behind the wheel of another semi playing with the horn. Richards quickly tries to climb over a stack of bleachers to escape..Kane catches him and gives him the old lawn dart treament on the nearby truck. 1, 2, 3. (3:08) Taker draws nearer to the laid out Richards. "Hey! Hey you! You know, if I was you...I'd forget about the good fight and find myself a good woman." Then Taker slaps his cheek a few times.

Angle psychs himself up - and begins WALKING!

Meanwhile, Jericho is ahhhhhhhhh heck with it

"Mick Foley: Hard Knocks & Cheap Pops" video ad

Moments Ago - wait a minute, I don't remember seeing this! Oh, wait...yeah.

We check out Debra's legs as she paces....Austin barges in. "Get your little suitcase, we're gonne get the hell outta here!" You know, Austin's leaving LAST time wasn't so hot for Triple H...

KING KURT ANGLE (with Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! & RAW Credits & TV-14-DLV ratings box) v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO - Angle would like to have a few words with us. "Your Olympic Hero would l--" Oops, the Y2J countdown just cut him off. "Unless you were gonna finish that sentence with 'is a complete and utter ass clown,' then junior, you've got nothing left to say, so please, PUH-LEEEEZE, SHUT THE HELL UP!" Crowd tried to anticipate the catchphrase - laugh at them! Jericho with a right, right, right, right, chop, right, The crazy "TNN takes over the video for ten frames" montage interrupts at this point - MAN that's annoying. ("scores" count: four) Into the ropes, Angle ducks, shoulderblock by Angle. Up and over, leapfrog by Jericho, Angle runs into a chop. Armdrag by Jericho to an armbar - Angle with a headscissors counter. Jericho handstands out and flips to a pinning predicament - bridge out by Angle, backslide by Angle gets 2. Chop by Jericho, chop, chop ducked, Angle with a right, right, right, kick, kick, stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp - referee "Blind" Mike Chioda pulls him off. Angle back to the right - into the opposite corner, but Jericho pops out with a clothesline. Into the ropes, hiptoss by Jericho - springboard dropkick puts Angle through the ropes to the outside! Jericho running - VICIOUS baseball slide dropkick in the back! truth Double Feature brings the springboard dropkick as Jericho lands a forearm. Angle dropped on the barricade. Jericho drags him over to the timekeeper's table and rams him into a chair - Angle grabs the bell and puts it in his gut to turn things around. truth Double Feature of the baseball slide dropkick. Angle putting Jericho on the commentary table - Heyman: "Leave this table alone - we don't speak Spanish! Ay dios mio!" Jericho's head bounces off the table, and Angle rolls him back in. I think the crowd is saying he sucks! Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Angle with a suplex. Bringing him back up for ANOTHER suplex. 1, 2, no - quick cover - 1, 2, no! Right by Angle, right by Jericho, right by Angle, right by Jericho, chop by Jericho, right, into the corner is reversed, boot up to stop Angle, Jericho on the second rope but Angle blocks the double axehandle and hits a SWEET belly-to-belly overhead suplex! Death suplex. truth Double Feature of the overhead suplex as Angle gets 2. Going to a headlock...I don't think Jericho is giving up, there. The crowd comes alive as Jericho rises to his feet. Elbow by Jericho, elbow, right breaks it up, into the ropes is reversed, but Jericho manages a rollup - 1, 2, NO! Jericho ducks a clothesline and grabs a waistlock - Angle laces the leg to block it - Angle with a drop toehold and going for the Anglelock! Jericho quickly grabs the ropes before he can hit it. Stomp by Angle, stomp, right, right, kick, kick, Chioda tells him to stop - so Angle kicks him again. Into the opposite corner - Jericho gets a boot up but Angle won't fall for THAT again...so Jericho kicks him with an enzuigiri! Awesome! Chioda puts on the count - at 5, both men slowly stir - right by Jericho meets an oncoming Angle - another right - Angle ducks the next one - waistlock - but Jericho rolls forward with a Victory Roll! 1, 2, NO! Into the ropes, Jericho with a flying jalapeno! Jericho going for the clothesline, Angle ducks - gutshot, going for the Olympic Slam but Jericho lands on his feet - kick, bulldog off the ropes - Lionsault NO, Angle rolls out and Jericho lands on his feet - Angle rolls out and walks up the aisle. Jericho is out after him...but now COMMISSIONER REGAL is out, and damn this was a sweet match up to the end. (DQ 6:52) Regal manhandles Jericho all the way back to the ring, but Jericho hits the double leg and applies the Walls of Jericho! Regal taps (as if it'll help) - Angle in - Jericho drops Regal - block, fireman's carry slam - LIONSAULT! Right for Regal, right, kick, kick, kick, kick, Angle from behind - the two are finally taking over on the one - so where *is* Benoit? Angle with another death suplex on Jericho. Regal with the Regal Stretch - and Angle puts on the Anglelock! *Now* here comes CHRIS BENOIT - punching down Angle, bowling over Regal, DDT for Angle, German suplex for Regal - WHOA! He just release German suplexed Angle onto Regal! Full flip for Angle! PLAY Benoit's music!

"The Mummy Returns" ad

When we come back, somebody's addressing the crowd, but first...Moments Ago, this and that.

During the Break, Benoit checked on Jericho - ah, such a tender moment...

Oh, it was *Regal* on the stick - and he's not done talking..."Benoit! You miserable specimen! You bloody blew it! I'm the commissioner, and what I say goes here in the World Wrestling Federation. I want a match with you RIGHT NOW! Get your bloody miserable carcass out here RIGHT NOW!" Regal still has Angle with him...but Benoit doesn't come alone...

COMMISSIONER REGAL (already in the ring - with King Kurt Angle) v. CHRIS BENOIT (with Chris Monday Jericho) - Pier Four Brawl to start - Angle and Jericho end up taking their respective places on the outside after Jericho clotheslines Angle out. Regal shoved into the corner, death suplex out. Benoit going for the headbutt ALREADY - but it misses! Regal gets up - stomp in the head, STANDING DROPKICK (holy cow), press gets 1, another cover for 2. European forearm by REgal, again, again - VICIOUS, Euro uppercut, Euro uppercut, MASSIVE suplex by Regal - cover - 1, 2, no. Cover - 2. Cover - 2. Referee "Blind" Chad Patton is TIRED! Kick between the shoulderblades by Regal. Drops the elbow. 2. 2. Benoit put in the ropes, back elbow by Regal. Left knee to the head, right knee, Euro uppercut, scooping him up but Benoit shifts his weight into a crossbody block, getting a quick 2! Regal clotheslines him down with a left lariat. 2 count. ANOTHER 2. Regal going to another submission hold I know not - a head and arm lock with his knee over Benoit's left shoulder at the same time. Regal to a standing headlock - Benoit up, back elbows out, chop, but Regal gets a knee in the gut. Stomp by Regal - and a happy wave to the crowd! Back to the stomp. Headlock, forearm across the face. Headlock again, forearm across the face again. "Regal sucks!" chant - Regal is unhappy with it...but reacts with a smile and a wave. Regal's next trick is a double kneelift to the noodle. Forearm in the back. Lateral press - ANOTHER 2 for Regal. Regal to the rear chinlock...Beonit struggling to unlace Regal's fingers but Regal keeps it on - knee in the back for added leverage. Benoit back to his feet - European uppercut by Regal. Going for another, Benoit slips it and goes to a waistlock - Regal quick elbows him in the face to break it - Benoit put in the ropes, but Benoit hits an inside cradle for two! Another forearm puts Benoit down. Regal has Benoit in the corner - European forearm, Euro elbow, Euro elbow, Benoit trades places, chop, chop, chop, into the opposite corner, knees up by Regal, but he runs into the German suplex - holding on for a second German suplex - Regal elbows out of the waistlock and shoves Benoit outside, where Angle runs him into the apron and rolls him back in - Jericho flies over with a forearm and then stomps away, drawing Patton out of the ring. INSIDE the ring, Regal has managed to secure the Regal Stretch, but Jericho puts a forearm in the back of Regal's head to break THAT. Benoit puts on the crossface - and Patto is back in to see Regal tap! (5:00) By the way, if anybody sniffs and scoffs and tells you "well, these two had a better match at the Pillman show," - and you KNOW they will - just smile and tell them "well, I'M happy *I* just had a chance to see *this* match - along with MILLIONS OF OTHER PEOPLE - ya damn snob. That match was EURO AWESOME."

The XFL Million Dollar Game (I can't *believe* they didn't stick with "the Big Game at the End") is Saturday - Let Us Take You Back to Week 1 when San Francisco eked out a win over Los Angeles with............a field goal

Test and Billy Gunn are WALKING! Test is jovial despite teaming up with The One. "What is wrong with you?" "I'm just not getting this. Listen. I know why you're here--" "Dean and Perry." "Right, and me, Eddie Guerrero - makes perfect sense...but Raven, why are you here?" "That's a very good question." "Thank you." "You see, sometimes in life, we make our own choices, and sometimes the choice is made for us, but sometimes, there is no choice. It would be both my pleasure - and my torment to tag with you two against the three of them. Fate, destiny, and pain." Gunn: "Does that mean that we can trust him?" Test: "TRUST him? What the hell did he just say to us?" Should we blame the acting or the writing? Maybe a little from each column.

Prime Time Ratings are up 132% for the first three months of 2001. TNN is now #7! Wow, this is JUST like WKRP! (But they went to #6) Oh, yeah. Damn my fuzzy memory!

Scooter on a Kane

Kane items or less

Back in the locker room, Matt pumps Jeff up - "Jeff, look - you gotta be on your game tonight. You gotta know that Triple H is gonna try and cripple you out there, you gotta know it." "I know that, I know what he's capable of. I'm still BLOWN away by what you did to Austin! You tagged yourself the man when you did that. Felt good, didn't it." "Yeah it felt good - and it's gonna feel good tonight when you successfully defend YOUR intercontinental championship! That's gonna feel good-- what in the hell are you doin' here? I thought we decided you were gonna stay at the hotel, Lita." "I can't be there at the hotel, alone, watching you guys on TV, all this action going on. I had to be here." "Lita, it isn't safe here." "Matt, I'm not concerned about safety, okay? I'm in here too." "So you can't stay away from the action, huh? Well let's go give 'em some action."

R3DICALZ (with Nipples) v. TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST (with wwf.com logo) and THA 1 BILLY GUNN and CAW CAW CAW - Hang on a minute...let me check....yeah, this *is* the War Zone - do not adjust your set - these six guys ARE fighting LIVE on a Monday night. One guy just told me "It's great to see the WWF FINALLY mix it up by letting these guys roll on RAW" but another guy just told me "Golly, they're just not even trying without any competition." I told both of them to stop interrupting and let me finish this damn report already. Pier Five starts before Raven's entrance - Test with Guerrero, Gunn with the other two, just like they agreed - Raven goes for Saturn, clotheslining him out - Test upends Malenko as Gunn stomps a mudhole in Guerrero until he rolls out. It's "faces pose" time! Yahoo! Referee "Blind" Tim White attempts to restore order - it's Malenko and Test - Test right, right, Malenko fires back, into the ropes is reversed, Test with a spinning sidewalk slam for barely 2. Into the ropes, head down, kick by Malenko, but he runs into a clothesline. Tag to Gunn - arm wringer, Malenko to the eyes, tag to Guerrero. Gunn rubs his eyes and now sees Guerrero in front of him, offering the Hand of Friendship. Gunn takes it, spins him around and takes him down by the mullet. Clothesline, clothesline, whipped into his own corner (dummy) so Guerrero gets a blind tag before running back into a press...Saturn with a superkick to break up the pile. Did Eddie land on his leg? Saturn drops the elbow. Death suplex. Cover - or choke - for 2. Tag to Malenko, stomp, stomp, stomp, sotmp, stomp. Whip is reversed as Gunn holds on - Fame'Asser lands but he's too hurt to capitalise on it. Guerrero with an apron clothesline to make sure he doesn't get up. Malenko drags him to his corner and tags out to Guerrero for the trademark rolling senton. Stomp by Guerrero, stomp, stomp, in the corner, right, right left right right, right, right, Gunn tries to take on all three men and almost succeeds, but Guerrero kicks him in the nuts. Gunn *again* comes back, elbowing Saturn, but Saturn hot shots him. Knee in the throat by Guerrero. Gunn put outside - Saturn takes his ass into the STEEL steps. (Ross: "Lower spine") Wow, that was a *surprisingly* loud "TERRI'S A HO!" from the crowd. Guerrero in - snap suplexed down. Tag to Malenko - off the ropes with a kick. Kick, kick. Three field goals, nine points! Barring the arm, to an arm wringer, yanking and cranking. Tag to Saturn, who drops the knee. Big stomp. Free shot for Raven, who tries to come in. Saturn with the shin across the throat. Into the ropes is reversed, waistlock by Saturn but Gunn laces the leg - Saturn with forearms in the back. Exploder! 1, 2, Gunn manages to get a shoulder up. Gunn with a jawbreaker counter. Saturn into the ropes, tilt-a-whirl slam by Gunn and both men are down! Will he get that tag? Saturn does - in comes Guerrero - HOT TAG to Raven! Right for Guerrero, ducks a Saturn clotehsline, right for Saturn, whipped into Malenko, Guerrero sneaks in a kick, right, right, whip is reversed, followup clothesline by Raven, bulldog - 1,2, Saturn breaks it up. Test comes in - Uncle Slam for Saturn. Right for Malenko, Really Big Boot for Saturn to take him outside. Malenko knocks Test out and saves Guerrero - death suplex on Raven - Guerrero up top for the frog splash - Raven rolls out of the way and Guerrero rolls through - but Raven is there with the DDT! 1, 2, 3! (5:56) Is a Euro title shot in Raven's future? Heyman proclaims this match an "upset."

KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands with the Big Show - what are his thoughts about Kaientai's challenge? "What are my thoughts. Kevin, Kaientai goes out and they talk about how evil they are. 'WE ARE EVIL.' The Big Show is evil. Seven foot two, five hundred pounds of bad attitude. And tonight, Kaientai is gettin' every bit of it - quick, fast and furious, and you know why? Not just because they called me out, but also because Shane McMahon's watching, and I've got something to prove." Then he scares the hell out of Kelly by (get this) throwing a case.

And now, a Special Video Look at the Fun Brothers, set to Marilyn Manson's "The Fight Song" (courtesy Hollywood Records) and his CD cover

WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW (with Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) v. KAI & TAI - Heyman tries to convince me (and the censor) that Show earlier said "goofs" by saying "Gooks! G-O-O-F-S, gooks!" - who knows, maybe he *did* and the WWF is gonna take it on the chin unnecessarily - of course, since they bleeped it, I have no way of knowing. All told, Heyman and Ross and Heyman said or spelled it eight times, so you know they were *really* worried about it. Anyway, let's listen to the gooks - GOOFS! GOOFS! I said GOOFS! Oh MAN I'm gonna get it now. Let's listen to the men from the rising sun. "Ha! Big Show! We have fooled you! We just wanted to lure you down so you could fall into our trap! You may be Godzilla, but Godzilla is no match for cold hard cash! This will show you not to mess with TRUE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL ha ha ha ha ha!" "In-DEED." And here come the APA. Show stands ready - knocking down Bradshaw, forearm for Faarooq, got Bradshaw in the choke but Faarooq kicks the hammy to release him - Bradshaw off the ropes with the Hades lariat! They get to pounding (because they Always Pound - check the T-shirts) - into the ropes, WOW double spinebuster! Referee "Blind" Teddy Long tells them to take off as Kai En Tai hit the ring - Funaki with a top-rope elbowdrop - Michinoku with a top-rope rolling kneedrop. They celebrate a bit - BOTH up on top - off the ropes - oops, Show is up - and he caught 'em. ahhhhhhhhTHEDOUBLECHOKESLAAAAAM. I don't think they're getting up, Seadawg. 1, 2, 3 - Show FINALLY gets a win - and a *double* pin at that! (0:33) Heyman says "goozle" - I *love* this man on colour commentary. All told, Shane made the right choice by not sticking around to watch this match - but it was still fun!

The WWF Fanatics Presentation for April is "Kurt Angle: It's True It's True"

Rest in peace, Joey Ramone - may your legacy be hopefully SLIGHTLY better than "somebody called TNN after you died and told them you had pop"

In the local slot, AT&T Broadband helpfully provides us with a Backlash spot - they really need to take the Rock out of these spots, don't they? By the way, thirteen days away - zero matches announced - just noting it - I'm sure they'll all be booked on SmackDown! or something

Earlier Tonight, WWF New York (which, you must know, is in the HEART of Times Square) hosted Trish Stratus

And FROM WWF New York, here she is now to deliver her monologue for the night. "Well, you know I realise that a lot of you think that I'm just a naughty girl. Well you're right, 'cause I am. I mean, I have to admit, I was attracted to Mr. McMahon, but you know, I think I was more attracted to Mr. McMahon's billions than his grapefruits...you know...you know, I always said that, uh, I would do anything for the right cause? Well I found the right cause. You know, I realised that Mr. McMahon, I found out what kind of a man that he really was, and I found the right cause. I took Linda McMahon off her medication... and...I've decided that if there is a divorce, I will be supportive and more than happy to see Mrs. McMahon get everything she deserves, and then some! (heh) And as for me? Well I'm just glad to know that deep down inside, I am nice...but there's also a part of me that will always be naughty." "You know" count: 5?

TONIGHT: Intercontinental Championship on the line!

Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! - wait, did I already see this video package? At the very beginning of the show, maybe? Yes...yes, I did. (You're WEIRD. Didn't you see this MATCH on Thursday? Didn't you see this interview on Heat last night? Why don't you just bitch about that instead?) You know, you're just a CRUTCH. I can work just fine WITHOUT you. (Oh yeah? Let's see you TRY it, Poindexter. I step out for a segment and you're ALREADY making racist cracks)

Earlier Tonight, Matt Hardy surprised Steve Austin...and hopefully a smark or two

Triple H & Stephanie are WALKING!

Meanwhile, 2Xtreme are WALKING! But Regal cuts them off with the announcement that, due to his actions against Stone Cold Steve Austin, "sunshine," he's barred from ringside. If he takes ONE step towards the ring, Jeff will have his title stripped on the spot! "Jeff, look, you don't need me out there, you can do this - you're the intercontinental champion, you're the champion, you can do it, Jeff." Jeff EMOTES! "You're right...you're right...thanks." Matt *should* have said "and you can always get counted out or disqualified if things get REALLY tough" but *they don't go out like that!*

Here's a Special Video Look at Tommy Maddox - somehow they manage to make Jesse Ventura sound like a complete idiot in the process, almost saying in the same breath "Tommy Tantrum....brilliant brilliant brilliant brilliant brilliant"

Have I yet mentioned your hosts are LARRY KING & PAUL HEYMAN? Sorry about that. Anywho, the XFL Chamionship takes place at the Coliseum (or the Colesium, if you want to be annoying and spell it wrong, as I love to do) and Ross actually says "great seats are still available" with a straight face.

WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: THE NEW MAN (with Stephanie Can't Act & Castrol presents Backlash & "WWF: The Music [Volume 5]" CD cover) v. JEFF HARDY (with Lita) - instant prediction: Hardy by DQ after Triple H disembowls him. Matt Hardy watches on the monitor; WE watch Matt Hardy. HERE WE GO: Gutshot and HUGE right by Triple H to start. Hardy rolls to the corner. Right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, sotmp, stomp, stomp, stomp - shoving away "Back from Vacation" Earl Hebner. Up by the hair, right hand puts Hardy down. Head to the buckle. Shoulder in the abdomen - and again. One more shoulder - make it two - no, wait, make it six (I'm too lazy to type "shoulder," six times) - Hebner pulls him off. After letting Hardy writhe a bit, H picks him up - into the opposite corner - boots up by Hardy, but H ducks the clothesline - pressing him up and letting him drop. Bigtime hairpull - right to the forehead, right, right, right, truth Double Feature of the press'n'drop. H with a British Bulldog half hour suplex. Out of the corner with a running kneedrop. 1, 2, Hardy kicks out. I think H is happy he didn't stay down for three, though. Right, right, right. Going for another half hour suplex...but Hardy returns to his feet! Hardy with a right, right, right, right, off the ropes...but into a powerslam. H tosses him through the ropes and goes out after him. Hebner follows so he doesn't have to start counting to ten. H drops Hardy facefirst on the STEEL steps. Lita cowers as H looks her way. H rolls in, Hebner back in, H rolls back out. Classic. H puts Hardy back in and now we're all back in. Hardy takes a swing - another - right lands, right, off the ropes but H takes his head off with a lariat. 1, 2, NO! H hooks the leg again - 1, 2, no! H puts him in the ropes - and applies the abdominal stretch - and now *grabbing the ropes for leverage*. I love that. Triple H *is* the freakin' MAN, yo. H now using his right hand to pound on the exposed ribs - and his left hand to tug on the hair. H laying in the badmouth as well. Hardy trying to find the strength to break the hold...but again, H goes to the top rope. Hebner sees it this time, though, and kicks it away - into a Hardy hiptoss! But H is right back on him with a knee in the gut to stop his run. Picking up Hardy...but Hardy hits a sitout jawbreaker! (H tries to sell it early, and ends up having to sell it twice - heh) Right by Hardy, right, into the roeps, head down, H hits the facebuster. 1, 2, Lita pulls H off of him! Stephanie over - Lita blocks the slap! The chase is on...until H rolls out between them, stopping Lita in her tracks. She quickly backs off - H back in the ring. And now Stephanie is up on the apron to chat with Hebner. H tosses Hardy out. Hardy has the belt - right by H - Hardy *clocks* him over the commentary table and into the laps of Heyman and Ross! Matt digs it. When H finally frees himself of commentator entanglements, Hardy posts him - then rams his head into the steps...twice! Into the commentary table! And finally rolls him back in. Hardy going up top...MISSILE DROPKICK! Cover - 1, 2, H kicks out. First near fall for Hardy but H has too much left. into the corner nu J, Hardy up and over, dropkicking the back, schoolboy - another 2 for Hardy! Hardy off the ropes, gutshot by H, trying a Pedigree Hardy counters into a backslide - 1, 2, NO!! Off the ropes, Hardy ducks the clothesline and hits a flying headscissors! Hardy up top again - corkscrew moonsault...is easily stepped aside by Triple H. H goes to the corner - second rope - Hardy dropkicks him, sitting him on the top turnbuckle. Hardy going up top - Frankensteiner! Hardy going up top to try the swantonbomb...H JUST rolls out of the way of that. We look backstage at Matt again - but this time, Austin is back...and up from behind with a STEEL chair! A few shots and a few stomps - and an oilcan in the back for good measure. Austin leaves Matt laying...we look back to Lita, who has seen this on the EntertainmentTron and now doesn't know whether to stay with Jeff or go check on Matt - finally, she decides to head up the ramp...only to find STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN emerge from backstage at the top of the ramp with a sinister look. Lita backs off as Austin slowly stalks... Oops, Triple H just got a pin somehow. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new, four-time intercontinental champion. (11:28) Thankfully, we quickly get a truth Double Feature which shows Triple H hitting the Pedigree and hooking the leg. Austin is in and his belt is off. Knee in the groin by H and Austin is WHIPPING him, WHIPPING him like a government mule. MATT HARDY is out but H is ready with the chair - WHACK! Austin starts whipping *him* as well. Another chairshot for Jeff as Austin chokes him with his belt. Now they're trading off - Matt gest the chair while Austin tugs on the belt around Jeff's neck. Suddenly, their eyes turn to Lita, who is crying on the outside. They DARE her to get in the ring one more time - and then the decision is made for her as Stephanie rolls her into the ring. Just before they get a chance to repeat last Monday once again, the lights go out! "Rollin'" hits...and when the lights come back up, the FUN BROTHERS are out! Austin and H stand ready for battle as they slowly head down the aisle to the ring....and *then*, quickly head out of the ring as Kane and Taker part the ropes to get inside. It's ten past the hour and the credits are up - *this* confrontation is going to have to wait until later.