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I GET LETTERS: I know why you're all here - you want to hear from MY GAY READERS!!

Dear Chris,
While I don't think X-Pac is gay, a case can certainly be made for Justin and Albert.

Albert: pierced tongue, leather ensemble

Justin: Oral fixation (always chewing a piece of gum)

X-Pac: Just this guy, you know?

I'll give ya the music, but the beard? Come on? He'd look 14 without it! And the move? Mick Foley was doing his crotch blaster in the corner long before the Bronco Buster came along and nobody has ever accused him of being gay. And as far as the skipping goes, how's he supposed to point to his crotch otherwise, huh?

Andy Napier

As a gay wrestling fan, X-Pac and Justin Credible's routine is that gay. - HOMTOWNJ

Hi CRZ, :)

Hey, I read your smackdown report (as always) and laughed very hard (as always) and being a homo myself I thought I'd help you and Mr. John B. out a little with the X-Pac query. As for X-Pac himself, well, *I* have never found myself happy to see him on my television screen. You know what? Let's just do a complete step-by-step rundown of the whole X-Pac package and see what the conclusion is, sound good?

  • Queers have a reputation for having good taste in clothing. This is not an accident. X-Pac's cheesy bandana + black and red jumpsuit do not exactly constitute what I would call "classically gay attire."

    (I don't remember if it was you, Chris, or Scott Keith - but I also think the analysis of Benoit's new lavander + red tights is incorrect. Those were not "gay," rather, they were "hideous.")

  • X-Factor's pink entrance lighting, however, IS gay. Ironically, this also proves that X-Pac is NOT gay. You see, all homosexuals have a purple triangle neatly imprinted on their left cheek. (No, not *that* cheek.) You did not know this because it is only visible under a blacklight. (This is why we go to discos.) Therefore, if X-Pac was gay, one would clearly know it as soon as he steps under that gay pink lighting.

  • That awful 'music' that they come to the ring to is NOT gay because I would be ashamed to say so. Its gotta be the most annoying theme song in the history of pro wrestling. (Yeah, even worse than T.L Hopper's plumbing ambiance 'music') Music is not 'gay' unless it it sung in 5-part harmony by 5 incredibly hot young men who have perfect hair and dress incredibly well. *That's* gay.

  • Here comes the big surprise: Contrary to mass popular opinion (mostly of the heterosexual kind), the Bronco Buster is NOT gay, because anyone who is subject to that annoying, greasy, cheesy, whiny X-pac shoving his show in his face would probably seek out the nearest southern Baptist minister and try his damndest to be become straight - nay - asexual for the rest of his life. (Example of a gay move = poetry in motion, whisper in the wind, twist of fate, or any other fruity Hardy boy move :D)

  • As for the the little "skip" move? Eh. . . it does nothing for me. You know, most of us are really good dancers. I think if X-Pac was gay he would - you know - bust a move or two, kinda like - you know - Jeff Hardy.

  • Typically, queers are unusually sensitive, emotional people who tend to be exceptional actors. X-Pac's inablity to emote properly and his disgustingly whiny yet somehow still gutteral voice do not exactly cause my GAY-DAR to turn cartwheels.

    Aw jeez, you know, Chris, I'd elaborate further but thinking about X-Pac being gay for more than 5 minutes is enough to make any homo feel bad about himself. You see, John's frustration stems from the fact that he thinks annoying = gay, whereas, truthfully, annoying = ANNOYING. Its kinda sad really, neither side of the fence wants X-Pac.

    Conclusion: X-Pac is about as gay as Jeff Hardy is straight. :)

    All the Best,
    Kevin Smith
    Portland, ME

    P.S> I'd like to see the Hardy Boys do some more promos like the one they cut on Monday - now THAT was gay. :D

    This guy rules.

    Now for some letters from readers who didn't tell me whether they were gay or not...

    Actually, I think the whole gay thing is the point. It's obviously pissing people off, and what's the most important thing in this business?..... HEAT!!! If you haven't noticed X-Factor has been drawing more heel heat than the Rardicalz. Here you have a heel group who everyone hates, but not like the RTC, which has run it's course in my opinion. I guess X-factor is not another version of DX, but rather a WWF version of the impact players. I can't say that I boo them though, cause it's sooooo much more fun to route for the heels!


    Hot on the heels of last week's shocking inside information about Spike Dudley's "Acid Drop" - whatever THAT was - comes this letter:


    Dude, I just thought I'd drop u a line to let u know that Taz's name is only spelled with one "z" in ECW. I dunno if it's been changed or not but I just thought I'd let u know. Well I gotta go mow some lawns know cuz my Dad's only gonna pay for half of my Ebay bid on Road Dogg. Stay Kewl.

    Steve Borchardt

    And finally, the AOL user of the week:

    Hey man, it's apologize, not "apologise". - Mjg764

    Thanks. I'll work on that.

    OKAY, FINE, I'LL ADDRESS THE "FEUD": I know that some hard feelings have come up lately, and I'm really not much of an online battler, despite what you may have heard otherwise. I want to diffuse the situation as soon as possible, and I figure the best way to do it is with a free unsolicited plug at the top (well, near the top) of the column, so hey! Why don't you all go visit the Smarks site **right now.** That's right! I'm giving in and capitulating - I'm FINALLY burying the hatchet and patching up ALL of my differences with... Al Isaacs. Go now - NOW - to and tell 'em CRZ sent ya! (Just *don't* sign up for their spam list.)

    QUOTE OF THE WEEK: Nope. Not a problem with me at all. Though we have the name trademarked I have no intention of taking legal action. - Al Isaacs, addressing the vicious rumours once and for all

    SELF-PROMOTION OF THE WEEK:'s Seth Mates is unbelievably *brilliant*. I'd wager that about a week ago, almost NOBODY stuck in the "'Net wrestling writing" circle of hell knew his name but NOW, man, how can you NOT talk about him? I can learn from him. Oh yes. I can learn from him...

    KINGS UPDATE: Now up 2-1 on the Suns - I was feeling pretty low when the Kings let themselves go down by 17 on the road, but since they came back to win I have to think they'll make it out of this series alive. Game 4 is Wednesday night at 7:30.

    TONIGHT: Lookit these crazy stills of crazy Shane! We'll find out how he (and Show) are doing tonight - also, ol' One Arm Kane gets a shot at the WWF championship! We'll see ya in twenty minutes!

    THIS WEEK'S MIAMI VICE GUEST STAR: (tie) Isaac Hayes and Ving Rhames (with a WICKED flat top!)

    One TV-14-DLV-CC World Leader Attitude - WWF!

    Straight to the Opening Credits

    LOOKIT THE PRETTY EXPLOSIONS - we're transmitio en espanol SAP on the National Network (and maybe TSN) 30.4.1 - coming to you LIVE from the Bradley Center in Milwaukee, WI (with a crowd at WWF New York), *this* is the WWF and in the WWF, RAW IS WAR!

    TONIGHT: Chyna takes on Trish!

    TONIGHT: our main event will see Stone Cold put it on the line against Kane!

    KING KURT ANGLE is out first...presumably to model his new "I'll make you tap" T-shirt. Heyman says Angle didn't sign for a 31 minute submission match, not for a 35 minute submission match, but for thirty minutes - proving that Angle and Benoit are equals. *I* think Benoit tapped first in sudden death, but that didn't seem to happen last night. "Chris Benoit, I have to hand it to you. Last night at Backlash, in our Ultimate Submission match, you showed me a side of yourself that I have never see before. I still can't believe it myself! Last night, you showed me; heck, you showed the entire world that you are without a shadow of a doubt...the biggest cheater walking God's green earth. I mean, how do you live with yourself?! Chris Benoit, you proved that you are a cheater. Now, what I'm talking about is this. Let me take you back to last night-- ["Angle sux!"] Hold on, people. Now, you know me, you know the kind of person I am. Hold on a second! And on the rare occasion when I do lose, I accept it and take it like a man, but this is ridiculous! Now let me take you to last night at Backlash, the last twenty seconds of our match. Please show the footage. Now here I am, totally dominating Chris Benoit. The score is tied 3 to 3, and I finally put him in my anklelock - the seconds are ticking away and I'm waitingn for him to tap out. He is squealing like a pig, I might add. And when the final seconds tick away...Chris Benoit tapped out after the buzzer - okay, he tapped out after the buzzer, but the score was tied three to three - and the ref called for sudden death - an overtime! Now Olympic Rules, the IOC Olympic rules state that if there is a sudden death, it happens immediately after the buzzer. Therefore, Chris Benoit tapped out - I'm the winner and he is the loser. Oh it's true, it's DAMN true! Now, despite what happened, despite the tragedy that took place last night - and it was a tragedy - there is one thing that Chris Benoit or anybody in this world can never take away from me. ["Angle sux!"] It's not gonna work. Listen up, people. The fact that I am now, and forever, an Olympic Gold Medalist. The fact that when that medal was placed around my neck in the Olympics, that I became an immortal, a legend - the very best in the whole entire world. And if Chris Benoit can't understand that..." Hmm, maybe CHRIS BENOIT *is* out to understand that, as his music is playing and here he comes to the ring. I wish Ross would stop saying "Wolverine Machine" like Benoit is Kane's brother not named the Undertaker. By the way, you can't argue Angle's point - only 'cause I tried that one out on AIM last night, though, and you know I dig being proven correct. "Now Chris Benoit, you can rob people of their matches, you can steal matches away from them like you did with me last night - that's okay, 'cause you know what? You don't have these. You will never know what it's like - these people in this arena will never know what it's like, the people watching at home will never know what it's like to stand on top of that podium and have a gold medal placed around your neck. To receive the grand prize - to have your national anthem playing for YOU! So Chris Benoit, you can steal that match away from me last night, but ultimately you have *nothing.* I'm an Olympic Gold Medalist - I'm the best in the whole entire world, and there is *nothing* that will ever change that." Benoit swipes the mic from him. "You know Kurt Angle, you are absolutely right. You are an Olympic Gold Medalist. You did become a legend. And I'll hand it to you - you were the very best in the world, so last night at Backlash, after thirty plus minutes of the Ultimate Submission match - well, the fact is after all your accomplishments, after all your achievements, after everything you have ever done....I beat you. You lost to me, and there is nothing and nobody that will ever, ever change that. It's true, it's true." Crowd ignores Angle's flawless logic and sides with Benoit, who drops the mic. Sensing he has lost the debate, Angle quickly takes him down and they're right back to grappling on the mat. Angle tries for an Olympic Slam but Benoit lands on his feet - double leg by Benoit - going for the crossface! Angle rolls over and out - Benoit ducks a clothesline - German suplex! Hanging on - a second! Forearms in the back - Benoit walking back to the ropes and dumping him out - Angle making sure to smack the apron with his head on the way down (YOW). Play Benoit's music! Adding insult to injury, Benoit is leaving with Angle's medals! Replay of Angle's spear, Benoit dumping Angle, and...the crowd looking at Benoit. That last one was an interesting choice.

    RAW is WAR comes to the Compaq Center at San Jose in three weeks! You know what *that* means - time for me to shamefully beg for comps!

    Moments Ago, two paragraphs ago

    During the Break, Angle mouthed "where are my gold medals?"

    Kurt Angle is WALKING! And hot on the trail of Benoit. He finds Tazz and Michael Cole instead. "Tazz, no joke - have you seen Benoit? He took my medals." "Kurt, relax, just--" "Don't play wise with me - where's Benoit, he took my medals! Ah, forget it - useless! Totally useless!" Off he goes. "You wanna tell him Benoit left the building?" "Nah, let him look a little longer. Jackass." Tazz and Michael Cole hang out together backstage?

    WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: EDGE (with Christian & Backlash stills) v. MATT HARDY (with Jeff Hardy) - Lockup, hammerlock by Edge, hairpull, back elbow by Hardy and drop toehold. Right, right, into the ropes is reversed, but Hardy hits a neckbreaker for 2. Gutshot by Edge, head to the buckle, right, open-handed slap - Hardy reverses positions, forearm, chop, chop, into the opposite corner, clothesline. Into the first corner - Edge gets the boot up. Edge climbing but Hardy is quickly over - right, right, HE is climbing - superplex? Nope, Edge holds on and crotches Hardy on the top rope - Matt falls to the floor and Edge is out after him - Edge rams his head back into the barricade - twice. Back in the ring we go - tonight, Chyna takes on Trish! Edge ducks a swing, places Hardy on top - climbing up after him - Hardy with two back elbows - standing up top - moonsaults MISSES - Edge quickly hooks the leg, but only gets 2! Hardy with a gutshot, right, right, into the corner...and dumped into Snake Eyes on the charge. Edge going up top one more time - plancha LANDS but Hardy rolls through and gets 2! Edge wants the neckbreaker but Hardy follows through THAT and strikes with a DDT. Both men are down. Hardy punching first, right, atomic drop, clothesline off the ropes - 1, 2, Edge is up. Head to the buckle - let's make that a Ten Head Count Along - scoop...and a slam. Hardy to the second rope - ahhhhhhhhh legdrop. Christian on the apron, though, drawing over referee "Blind" Mike Chioda out of making a count. Jeff is over with rights - back in the ring, Edge lands the spear - 1, 2, Christian rolled into Chioda to break up the count? Jeff must have thrown him in there. Edge and Christian having a chat - Matt shoves Edge into Christian, and when he turns back lands a gutshot - and the Twist of Fate! 1, 2, 3! (4:22)

    TONIGHT: The tag team champions SPEAK! And they'll probably have Vince and Stephanie with them, too. Ross promises a "State of the Union address" - so don'tcha *dare* change that channel if you enjoy hanging on for TALKIN'

    And now, the whack of the night! Tobacco is whacko and so were those Duchess of "Queensberry" rules - as witnessed last night at Backlash

    In his office, Regal has summoned Jonathan Coachman to relate to Chris Jericho that he has to face Rhyno in a hardcore match as retaliation for his actions against the Duchess last night. After Coach leaves, Trish comes in - Regal tells her that although her match with Chyna tonight is nontitle, if she wins he may consider booking a title match down the road. "Who knows? You might even get a little move in or two." "Well, you would know, seeing as you're the expert on...little things." Woo hoo - dick jokes RULE! She leaves, and Regal mutters "Tart."

    SPIKE DAMN DUDLEY (with Those Damn Dudleys Dot Com & ticket information for Indianapolis tomorrow) v. X-PACTOR (with Justin Credible & Justin Otherguy & logo) - Lockup, X-Pac shoves him away - lockup, side headlock by 'Pac - Dudley tries to power out but X-Pac holds on - Ribshots by Spike - powering out but 'Pac hits a shoulderblock off the ropes. Crowd: "X-Pac sux!" Ross: "Fans chanting for the tables..." Ohhhhh JR. 'Pac off the ropes, up and over - arm drag by Dudley - arm wringer - right by X-Pac, into the ropes, Dudley ducks, head scissors off the ropes, elbow, in the corner for the Ten Punch Count Along - 'Pac with an atomic drop after eight, and a spinning heel kick to take him down. Dudley with a gutshot, right, forearm, into the ropes is reversed - X-Pac presses him up and shoves him down. Lightning legdrop gets 2. RC Double Feature of the spin kick. X-Pac holding a headlock - NOW the crowd wants tables. Dudley up - elbowing out - elbow to the jaw - off the ropes but X-Pac grabs a sleeper - Dudley shoves out and HE gets on the sleeper - X-Pac turns into a death suplex - arrogant cover - Dudley hooks the arms to get a near fall of his own. 'Pac quickly drops the hammer on the back of Dudley's neck again. Into the ropes, Dudley ducks the clothesline - battering ram headbutt - nice dropkick - into the ropes, reversed, brought up but Dudley gets a 'rana, and gets 2! 'Pac with a gutshot - into the corner, X-Pac with a headbutt to the gut of his skipping into the broncobuster - but nobody's home! Dudley up top - double stomp (PERRO AGUAYO)!! Albert on the apron - Buh Buh Ray over to pull him down. Spike tries the (bull)Dog but 'Pac shrugs him off - gutshot - X Factor - 1, 2, 3. Golly, X-Pac wins a singles match? Alert the media! (3:21) Can't get that shit-eatin' grin off his face, either.

    Outside the arena, a limousine pulls up...and Stephanie is let out. She's WALKING! MICHAEL KING COLE catches up to her and asks what the heck happened to her face. "What, you didn't see Kane just kick me right in my face last night? You didn't? Well you know what - Kane is gonna pay for the bruise on my face. My daddy's gonna make sure of it when he gets here. And I'll tell you who else is gonna pay for their interference last night. Have you seen Test anywhere, Michael?" "Yeah, he was in the locker room earlier." "Well, good. I'm gonna go find Test - because I've got a little message for him. Test is gonna learn once and for all to stay out of my family's business!"

    "WWF Divas in Hedonism" video ad

    Here's a look at the picturesque facade of the Bradley Center

    TONIGHT: A State of the Union address!

    Earlier Today, we got a grisly look at Kane's battered and bruised arm

    Backstage, Edge & Christian discuss the end of Edge's match - Angle runs up and asks where Benoit is (he took his medals). "Kurt, we're talking about a match here." "A match? People lose matches every day, what's the big deal? I'm talkin' about my medals. Don't be so selfish!" "Well, did you ever think maybe he left the building?" "Yeah right, like he'd go out in public with my medals - I don't think so! Hey if you guys are covering for Benoit because of a...Canadian thing, so help me I'll--" "Whoa, whoa. You know what? We don't know where your medals are, and to be quite honest, we don't care." "Fine, you know what, fine, I don't have time for this. Get out of my way - Benoit!"

    Meanwhile, the Acolytes are back to taking somebody's money in a card game. The camera pans back to find....Crash. Looks like he's pounding (ass?) no, beers...and he's not in that great a state from it.

    Your hosts are LARRY KING & PAUL HEYMAN. Talk turns to last night's Last Man Standing match. Courtesy: the encore, we look back to last night's Owen Hart Memorial Spot - of course, they switch to stills when it comes time to show the fall because (1) you have to PAY to see that and (2) Shane didn't really connect with Show anyway. Anyway, we learn that both men won't be around tonight - they're under evaluation, "medically."

    We look at Test on the cel - and Stephanie catching up to him. "Ohh! Nice bruise - whoa!" "Get your hand out of my face! You know last night when you got involved in Shane's match against the Big Show, you got involved in family business, and let me remind you, Test - you are not family." "Thank God - just to think, I coulda woken up to this every morning." "You wish! You know what, Test - since you like to get involved in my family's business so much - my dad has ordered a match tonight - you versus my husband (Triple H), and dad has given orders for Triple H to take you out once and for all." "Is that right. Well I guess I better get ready, 'cause I look forward to playing THIS Game."

    Meanwhile, Chris Jericho is WALKING! He'll take on Rhyno NEXT!

    Kane's arm seems less hurt on the scooter

    And in line at the Express Lane

    And now, the Blast of the Night, brought to you by the JVC Gigatube! From last night, Rhyno gores a shopping cart

    Crash shoots some more beer, loses another hand, and demands another deal. "Hey, quit being a sore loser!" "Sore loser? You had to bring that up, huh? Just 'cause I lost my light heavyweight title to Jerry Lynn, huh?" Hardcore catches up - "What the hell are you doin'? I have been looking all over for you. What is this? This ain't no way to win your title back, get outta here. What's going on here?" The Acolytes urge him to have a seat and a beer. "I don't want no beer. The only thing I want is you two in that ring against me and Crash." Again, they ask him to calm down - all this is is a simple card game! "Oh, it's just a simple card game? IS that all it is." Holly tosses a beer onto (the camera and) Bradshaw. "Well that's what I think of your simple card game. See ya in the ring - if you got the guts." Off he goes. "Damn. No he didn't - you think we got the guts?" "Yer damn right."

    COMMISSIONER REGAL it out "unexpectedly." I reckon he'll be taking third headset for this next match...

    WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: RHYNO THE MAN BEAST v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO - just what *is* it about TNN that causes it to freeze up every time Jericho's pyro goes off? Ross sure is sassin' Regal something good tonight. Rhyno quickly takes it to Jericho as we start - into the ropes is reversed, but the head is down so Rhyno kicks it - running at Jericho, who dumps him over the ropes to the floor. Rhyno on the apron, gutshot - head to the (buckle? ringpost?), knocking him back into the ring. Rhyno brings in the plundah while Got a STOP sign - but Jericho hits a springboard dropkick to the sign, taking Rhyno off the apron to the floor! Jericho is out after him now and let's walk around the ring. Rhyno into the STEEL steps. Jericho has a chair - but looks to Regal instead of his opponent - Rhyno spears him before he can swing it. Jericho put into the barricade - Rhyno's spear misses and he headbutts the barrricade - ow. Jericho positions a can and grabs a lid - WHACK! Back in the ring and Jericho has a strap - whip! Whip! Whip! Jericho puts a garbage can in the corner - but Rhyno is back up - right, right, right, right, into the opposite corner is reversed (no can in that corner) - did Ross just call Heyman a queen? Fhyno ducks the bulldog attempt, gutshot, run into the garbage can - covers - 1, 2, NO! Rhyno readjusts the can as we check the RC Double Feature. "Y2J" chant firing up - Jericho up with a chair to the can - Rhyno falls back to sit on the top turnbuckle. Lidshot. Jericho is setting up a pile of metal objects in the ring - now climbing to the top rope - Frankensteiner onto the pile! But before he can cover, EDGE is out - Jericho lids HIM - CHRISTIAN with a fire extinguisher to the face - Jericho turns back into the GORE! GORE! GORE! and gets the fall. (3:53) Regal comes into the ring post-match to try to work the garbage can - Jericho kicks a gutshot, causing him to drop the can - Jericho picks it up and takes it right to Regal's head - and again - and wow, he's really whacking him around with this can. Ten or eleven shots - a gaggle of REFS are out to try to regain control - Jericho shoves them away at first but they finally get Regal and Jericho separated. A quick shot of the garbage can shows that Jericho actually split the seams of the can on Regal's back - whoa. Replay of the finish...and post-match fracas

    LOOK! Steve Austin, Triple H and Vince McMahon are WALKING!

    It's no coincidence that as we reach the top of the hour, the performers coming out to the ring are BILLIONAIRE VINCE & STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT (with the RAW Credits & TV-14-DLV-CC boxes) "Just for the record, just for the record, I am infinitely proud - I am infinitely proud of Stone Cold Steve Austin and Triple H. Yes indeed, I am proud of Stone Cold Steve Austin and Triple H because- well, they're different than all of you. Yes, they're very different as a matter of face, you see Austin and Triple H refuse to live a life of mediocity. They refuse to squalor in complacency like all of you. Unlike all of you who are afraid of failure, you see, Triple H and Stone Cold Steve Austin REACH OUT for that brass ring of opportunity and seize the moment - and when they do, they don't let go. You see I'm proud of Austin and Triple H for a number of reasons, and yes, they are very different than you because Austin and Triple H don't live by your set of standards. They don't live by your set of morals, and Austin and Triple H damn sure don't live by your set of rules - oh no, you see, Austin and Triple H create their own rules. And unlike all of you, each and every damn one of you in this arena who are all followers - oh no - Austin and Triple H aren't followers; they are LEADERS. Those are some of the reasons why I'm so proud of Stone Cold and Triple H, notwithstanding, however, their accomplishment at Backlash. But speaking of Backlash, I think I would be remiss, Steph, if I didn't mention two blemishes that did occur at Backlash. One of those blemishes involved the match with Shane McMahon and the Big Show. Yes, due to the intererence of Test, Shane McMahon performed a minor miracle in his upset victory over the Big Show. But as a result of that, Test seems like he wants to play the game, and tonight he will do just that, In This Very Ring with my only real son, and that's Triple H. And it is my hope that Triple H will do to Test what the Big Show would have done to Shane had it not been for Test right here tonight. Now then, one other blemish I'll make reference of. Matter of fact, picture's worth a thousand words as we take you to the videotape. Look at this - Kane - look, look what happened! (big boot to Steph is played) HOW DARE YOU PEOPLE APPLAUDE THAT - HOW DARE YOU! I curse each and every damn one of you for that! Yeah - I'm not a vindictive man, which is why tonight, in the interest of fairness, and because Stone Cold wishes to defend the WWF title in single competition, tonight we will see SHUT UP! ["Ass hole!"] Tonight, Kane goes one on one with Stone Cold for the WWF title, but right now - right now, I ask you, if there's any decency in your body whatsoever - I ask you to give your undivided attention to my precious daughter (Stephanie)." "Thanks, Daddy. ["Slut!"] AND WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE YOU TO THE WWF CHAMPION, THE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION, YOUR NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS - THE MOST DOMINANT FORCE IN THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION TODAY - STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN AND TRIPLE H!" The New Dudes with Attitudes make their entrance to "No Chance in Hell" - a fact not missed by Heyman. All four belts are prominently displayed by the two champions as they hit the corners. But the music is interrupted... by "(Oh oh) WrestleMania," which can only mean one thing: LINDA McMAHON is set to appear - and here she is on the EntertainmentTron, from WWF New York. WAKE UP, LINDA! It's time to talk! "Well, Vince...hello, Vince, I hate really to spoil the celebratory mood that you're all in there with our good friends in Milwaukee - ("They said Milwaukee!") but you know what, Vince? Actually, I'm really happy to see you having such a good time. At least I know you're enjoying yourself in your professional life, because we both know that your private life is a mess. I mean, this Friday, our divorce attorneys are scheduled to meet, and I think they're looking forward to it - at least mine are. But you know, Vince, I would really be willing to temporarily halt these proceedings, provided that certain events could occur...but only if, Vince, in the interest of fariness. So Vince, in the interest of fairness, let's think about Kane. You saw him earlier - after last night, there is no way that he could possibly be in physical condition to compete tonight, let alone compete for the WWF title. But, I would suggest; no, I think I strongly suggest to you that Kane should have the night off, and if he has the night off, how 'bout Austin? It seems Stone Cold is really spoiling for a that fight and is intent on defending his title, so I think he should - right there In That Very Ring tonight, against...the Undertaker. So Vince, I don't realy wanna spoil the party anymore there for you. Besides, I have a lot of fun to have with all of the wonderful fans right here at WWF New York. So good night, Vince." They play "WrestleMania" one more time as we leave our heel friends to bicker in the ring

    The May Fanatic Series presentation is "The Best of WrestleMania 1-17" - three hours (THREE!) of the WWF's showcase of the immortals

    I swear, this guy must get on Kane's case three or four times a night

    Look, he just did it again! Why can't he just buy some damn Stacker 2 already?

    When we come back, Austin tells Vince his divorce is screwing everything up - it's starting to affecting business, and he doesn't like that. Vince says he'll think o' something.

    KOOL MOE DEE & DRUNKEN CRASH v. A.P.A. - Say, why *would* Crash wear his "Crash Holly" tights when he no longer has a last name? He MUST be drunk! Also, his back is to his opponents - apparently, Crash is busy charming referee "Blind" Jack Doan. Faarooq is content to toss Crash over the ropes to the floor, and he'll probably take a liedown there for a while. Meanwhile, Hardcore is trying to take it to Bradshaw but he puts his head down - and now the doubleteam maulin' is on. Big right hands from Faarooq as Bradshaw holds back his arms. Into the ropes, double shoulderblock. Bradshaw with a swinging neckbreaker. Another one, Mr. Bradshaw? Thank you, I think I shall. Cover - 2. Into the ropes, caught - fallaway slam. Crash wants the tag - also, Crash gets a big kick out of seeing himself on the EntertainmentTron, which is pretty funny. Holly kicks up with both feet at Bradshaw, and he sails outside. Here comes Faarooq - he gets a hiptoss. Big boot by Bradshaw, though, to turn it back around. They're taking turns stomping on him while Crash reaches for a tag. Into the ropes - double uranage. Faarooq goes outside to grab a set of the STEEL steps - Bradshaw tosses him...and then goes outside to help him into the steps. Crash has had enough and goes to a turnbuckle climb...but Bradshaw simply catches him, then sits him on the barricade...and shoves him to the floor. Back in the ring, Faarooq stomps and lays in the knuckle punches. Holly sneaks under, gets Faarooq on his shoulders and drops him in the electric chair. Both men are down - one can tag, and does. Bradshaw dare him to get up - shouldertackle. Crash comes in and lays in some forearms - Bradshaw is content to absorb them, turn around, and take him out with a right. Holly reverses the powerbomb attempt into a backdrop. Off the ropes with a forearm smash (not the bionic one, though) - laid across the rope for the best crotch kick in the business. Free shot for Faarooq - Bradshaw put into the ropes - there's the best dropkick in the business. Faarooq back in - going for the Dominator but Holly completes the flip going down the back - gutshot, DDT. Crash has made it up to the top - missile dropkick...hits Hardcore, of course. Bradshaw off the ropes - Hades lariat - 1, 2, 3. (3:52) Crash tries to sort out what just happened and tries to get a big hug - Holly throws a right hand instead, leaving him laying in the ring. Crash is out after him - "Hold on a second, now, cousin..." Holly with another right. Crash put in the ring - double underhook - and tossed into a spike powerbomb. How ya like him now? Play his music!

    Test warms up

    Meanwhile, Vince tells Triple H that things haven't been going as well as planned - it's time to pull together and Triple H has to set the standard, taking Test apart. "Let me tell you what - I've got my end covered - it's good as done." "There will be total annihilation and destruction of Test," promises Vince. We'll find out NEXT!

    "Foley is Good" ad - Mick Foley's second book goes on sale 8 May! I dunno, it's a tough choice for the eighth...should I buy *this* - or *the Iron Chef book*?

    Here's another look at WWF New York

    Going inside again, we see...a lotta people. Hey, I thought we were gonna see Jerry Lynn...oh well

    LILIAN GARCIA stands with Taker. Tonight's his chance. "Yeah, well we'll get to all that in a second. I wanna talk about last night, Lilian. Last night, Triple H and Austin - them boys had themselves a hell of a game plan. They took Kane's injured arm, and they beat on it, and they punched on it, and they kicked on it, and you know what? Their game plan, it worked. They won the match. Good job, boys. But Lilian, how do you think they really feel? How do you think they feel knowing that it took Triple H, it took Austin, that bitch and the boss to beat a one-armed man? You know if I was those two boys, I'd be damn scared right now, because they gotta know that that arm of Kane's, it's gonna heal. And when it does...I wouldn't give two cents for either one o' their sorry asses. Now that brings us to tonight, and that's where things really get good. Because tonight, Austin - he comes face to face with Big Daddy Dead Man. And deep down inside where it t counts, Lilian - he KNOWS he cain't beat me one on one. Take a look at my shirt, Lilian. Read that out loud for me, will ya?" "Try me - I'll make you famous." "Do you know what that means? You do? Well I don't think I explained it well enough to Triple H and Austin. You see, this ain't a shirt - this is a code; this is a way of life. 'Try Me, I'll Make You Famous?' What that means is...if you screw with me - or my family - I'm gonna hurtcha."

    TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST (with logo & RAW is WAR is brought to you by FRAM!, 1-800-CAL-LATT, and Castrol Motor Oily) v. THE NEW MAN (with Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley & WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover & Heat hype) in a nontitle bout - The Helmsleys host Heat next Sunday, by the way. Right by H, right, head to the buckle, kick, kick, kick, kick, stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp. H makes a move for referee "Blind" Tim White for daring to attempt enforcement of the rules. Into the corner is reversed, but H puts up the back elbow. H runs into a tilt-a-whirl slam! Clothesline puts him outside. H reaches for a chair as Test goes outside - WHACK! That's it - White rings the bell (DQ 0:52) but H isn't done. WHACK! WHACK! Test rammed headfirst into the ringpost. Right, right, right right right right right. H lifts him up by the hair...and rams him into the STEEL steps. H takes the lower half of the steps and moves them aside the commentary table - he and Test climb to the top of the steps - H removes the monitor...looks like he's in perfect position to get backdropped, but tonight, for once, somebody is actually going to hit the POWERBOMB THROUGH THE TABLE! Triple H returns to the ring to admire his handiwork and bask in his music, but here's SCOOTER out to the ring - duck, right, right, right, BIG right puts H down - H rolls out of the ring and starts a quick jog up the aisle - Kane hobbles in lukewarm pursuit. We look back to Test - he hasn't moved.

    See the WWF LIVE! Tomorrow, it's Indy! One week from tonight, Uniondale is sold out for RAW, but tix are still available for Hartford next Tuesday. And that following Sunday, Corn Nuts presents a house show in Columbus!

    Moments Ago, another angle of the table powerbomb - and Kane's appearance

    During the Break, Test was helped backstage.

    Vince congratulates Triple H for taking care of Test... "...but what are we gonna do about Kane?" Triple H vows that before this night's over....Kane'll never stick his nose in their business again. "This Game's just about to start." Vince thinks he likes it.

    Our commentators display the proud ruins of the table. Test is off to the hospital. Also, Angle has finally figured out that Benoit's left the building and HE'S gone. Also also, we learn that The Rock will be on the Tonight Show tomorrow night to promote "The Mummy Returns" - speaking of which...

    Here's a Special Video Look of yesterday's premiere of "The Mummy Returns" - also known as the "stroke the Rock" segment

    Trish suggestively warms up as four frames of XFL action interrupt our picture

    I *will* say that one cool thing about arena football is the fact that nobody bats an eye at a 62-57 score.

    TRISH DOT COM (with RC presents Judgment Day!) v. BAZOOKA JO(ANI)E DOT COM (with WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover) in a nontitle bout - Trish tries a shoulderblock - Chyna doesn't move. Scooped up - Trish struggles back to her feet - but Chyna runs her into the turnbuckle. Kick, kick, kick kick kick kick. Whipped into the opposite corner - gutshot, press ... hold ... she ain't gettin' away this time ... and drop. Sablebomb. 1, 2, 3. I hear all the matches in GAEA are just like this. (1:24) This match (and that last comment) was a smark trap, by the way... AND, just like in GAEA, the winning combatant has the mic post-match - oh oh. "I have to say...that as much as I respect all of the women in the World Wrestling Federation and I do, I felt as of late that I really don't have a whole lot of competition, so instead of pinning my fellow divas, from now on I'm just gonna have to spank them." Ooh! This brings out LITA. "Chyna...Chyna you have been a total inspiration to me. You have totally paved the way for us women competitors here in the WWF. And you know that I have so much respect for you - I do. But you know, I also have a lot of respect for the WWF Women's title, and if it's competition you want, well, you know, I'd really be honoured if you'd let me fight you for it." "Well all right you bad girl - come getcher spankin'." The music starts - and stops again. Huh? "Chyna - stop, I'm serious, okay? I wanna challenge you." "No I'm serious, too, Lita, you deserve it - and if you want a match I'll give it to you, you name the time and the place. BUT - don't be surprised if your hiney's a little sore the next day." "Let's do this!" They play Lita's music a third time. Going by the fact that that goofy smile never left her face, one gets the impression that Chyna's gonna fight that heel turn tooth and nail if they actually try one.

    Taker boxes with shadows

    "WWF Hardcore" video ad

    The anti-drug folks listen to Aphex Twin? Huh (Are you SURE that's Aphex Twin? You KNOW you get a hundred letters when you misidentify music) Don't be silly. What do YOU think it is, then? (I think it might be Mu-Ziq.) Well, we'll play the CD's later to be sure. Okay? (I just think you'll get a lot of letters.) Thanks for looking out for me, Mr. Music.

    WWF CHAMPIONSHIP: TAKER DOT COM (on his Beautiful Rude American Bike, with Earlier Today v. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN - Since I haven't mentioned it until now, let me just take a minute to say it's been cool having HOWARD FINKEL out to handle ring announcements for a RAW. Austin doesn't come out...

    We look backstage to see Austin and Triple laying into Kane with garbage cans, chairs, and of course we can't forget the good ol' boots and fists. Taker runs back and joins the fray - Triple H is run into the garage door, and now Taker and Austin trade punches while making their way back to the curtain...we stay here as the refs check on Kane and Triple H...

    And here they are back out onto the stage. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner hopes to get them back to the ring for this match but he's not having much luck so far. Back and forth we go - BIG soupbone rocks Austin about a third of the way down the ramp. Austin manages a kick at the bottom of the ramp - now trying to ram Taker's head into his bike - NO, NOT THE BIKE! Whew, Taker blocks it - knife-edge chop. Soupbone, into the barricade. Austin fires back - gutshot, right, right - Taker with an uppercut soupbone - a straight soupbone - and rolled into the ring, where the bell rings. Austin kicking in the corner - trying a choke - kick by Austin, kick, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Austin ducks the swing - KICK WHAM Taker shoves him off - big boot! 1, 2, NO!! Austin put in the corner for the fury punches - but THE NEW MAN is back out with his sledgehammer - well, it must be "Blatant Disqualification Night" as Hebner rings the bell (DQ 0:59) Taker puts H down before he can use it - back onto Austin...who hits the uppernut to turn it around. HERE is our sledgehammer shot by Triple H. SCOOTER hobbles out - his left elbow is in his right hand, and *still* he heads to the ring. Austin heads him off with a chair. WHACK! And here come five more whacks. H is out to join him - moving the top half of the STEEL steps off...and laying the injured arm on the bottom half. Austin has the chair - that's five more whacks - and now using the edge of the chair on the arm - that's three of THOSE. Holy crap, he's gonna PILLMANISE it too! Taker crawls to the corner...H pops him one - and Austin leaps from the steel steps to close up the chair. Methinks the Hardy Boyz aren't gonna make the save here. Taker finally rolls out of the ring - which ensures that Kane will only get HALF as many chairshots as Austin alternates between them with chair swings. Austin's music plays as the New Dudes with Attitudes stand over the beaten, broken bodies of the Fun Brothers. Ross is apoplectic. "My God this is - the Two Man Power Trip have taken it too far! The son of a bitches have got to brought down! But who's gonna do it? WHO'S GONNA DO IT?"

    Whoa! It's *Sting* on Monster Jam! I guess he *does* have a lotta free time...

    [slash] wrestling

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