WWF RAW is WAR
My SFLL #2 "report" is available at otherarena.com in the
"US Indy" section. I put "report" in quotes because it's actually not
much of a report - I mean, I tell you who won and how long it took, but
you don't get TOO much more than that - but at least you'll get to look at
a scan of the nice flyer for the card. If you can't find it at tOA,
there's a direct link to the article available at slashwrestling.com as
QUOTE OF THE WEEK: What are your ultimate goals?
Do you have any?
When I started reporting Monday happenings, my goal was to write a report for somebody who totally missed out on the show. Maybe they really WANTED to see it, maybe they were stuck in traffic, or in line at the DMV, maybe the VCR ate the tape, maybe their girl taped "Melrose Place" instead, maybe they had to make a choice and watched "Voyager" - naah, scratch that last one.
I LIVE to include every little niggly detail of play-by-play for a match that I want to see - if you have adequate imagination, you can ALMOST replay the match in your head when I'm really on (which is almost never). I LIVE to tell you which multinationals are giving money to have their names mentioned in sponsorship of the programs. These are the things that really help give you a sense of the state of the industry - and the relative health, too. Go back to my '92 Prime Time Reports - they're all TOY companies. Look at last week - online access, aftershave, insurance, motor oil? Did we ALL grow up? Thank God for the Super Soaker! Besides, if I have to watch the ads, why shouldn't you have to READ about them?
Back to the goals. I don't HAVE other goals with this. This is a hobby. This is a labour of love.
Am I doing this in the hopes that it'll lead to something else...something else...?
What do I want from this?
A job with a wrestling company?
A job with a wrestling publication?
So what DO I want from this?
A byline for a "name" website?
Maybe I'm doing it for the feedback?
I'm close to ten THOUSAND emails in my feedback box - about 99% positive. That's definitely gotten me through some rough times, and I probably haven't thanked you enough for your kind words, especially the people that (for whatever reason) I never got around to writing back.
Rick and Mike ended up giving me UNLIMITED freedom, mostly because I convinced them giving me the keys to the server would get my stuff online on time. I kinda enjoyed the taste of that.
I'm not sure how well THIS situation works for me. It's not just the swearing - although I *love* how people fret so over certain words - just boggles the mind, don't it?
It's mainly a lot of little things...
Short story long, I think we're in for some interesting times...well, at least *I* am - I guess, if you consider yourself a "CRZ fan," you can come along for the ride - or you could go out and get a life.
Anyway, in case I don't get another chance here, thanks for reading. Ya bastard. - CRZ, around two years ago
THANKS TO: Michael Anderson, Aaron Humphreys, Robby Huckell, Paul Walfish, and Kate4ez for being the first to offer me help after my problems with SmackDown!
QUICK QUOTES: Market was closed today! WWF 12.24 (-.46, last year: 16 3/4), SPLN 2.65 (-.22, last year: 10 11/16)
TONIGHT: The WWF heads up North, and the Dudleyz and Hollyz head for a collision in a table match! Also, what will Mr. McMahon do to Chris Benoit & Chris Jericho tonight? Find out in about seventeen minutes!
THIS WEEK'S MIAMI SPECIAL VICE GUEST STAR: Julia Roberts (that dream sequence was one of the creepiest, darkest things I'd ever seen on Miami Vice, by the way - Castillo was BAREFOOT and Tubbs in the coffin, screaming was just - brrrrr)
One World Leader Attitude - TV-14-DLV - CC - WWF!
Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!, where Mr. McMahon tried to gain some measure of revenge by scheduling the new tag team champions in a tables, ladders and chairs match against three other teams - unfortunately for him, Chris Jericho & Chris Benoit had the last laugh, winning the match.
Time for some Memorial Day FIREWORKS - coming to you LIVE from the SOLD-OUT Saddledome in Calgary, AB, airing 28.5.1 and transmitido en espanol SAP on TSN and TNN, it's ... how you say ... CRU EST GUERRE!
TONIGHT: The Dudley's - the Holly's - sure, it's *technically* correct, but it STILL looks funny when they use apostrophes like that...
Your hosts are LARRY KING and PAUL HEYMAN. No, there is no French announce table tonight. Ross says he's received a letter via courier which says that tonight, we'll meet Undertaker's wife - he finds this a little strange as Taker isn't booked to be on the show...
No time to worry about that now, however, as BILLIONAIRE VINCE takes a bit longer than normal to make his way down the aisle, pausing to bask in the raucous Canadian welcome. "Oh how nice it is to be back here in Calgary! And, quite frankly, just like every other tourist, every other American tourist, you've made me feel right at home - thank you. You know, as a matter of fact... ["abruti"] As a matter of fact, despite that chant, I would encourage my fellow Americans to cross the border, I would encourage my fellow Americans to come up here to Canada and enjoy your Canadian hospitality! 'cause only in Canada - only in Canada can you have two divergent groups get along so well - it's amazing! Only in Canada can you have the French and English live together in blissful harmony! Only in Canada, despite the excess taxation - only in Canada, despite the devalued dollar, you people seem to get along just fine! Oh, you are a prideful bunch, I mean, some of you are actually proud to say 'I am Canadian!'" Of course, this gets an ovation of about thirty seconds. "Well, all right - maybe the reason you're so proud is that you brought America ice hockey. Maybe the reason you're so proud is that you brought America...strong beer! Or maybe, maybe you're so proud because you coined a new phrase in the English language...the word 'eh.' Well, whatever the reason, I really would encourage my fellow Americans to come here and visit Canada...as long as my fellow Americans never live here. I thank you very much--" The Y2J countdown steps on this last line - yep, not even Vince McMahon is immune to an interruption from the (obviously sorely underpushed) CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO. Big "Y2J" chant, which gets to linger on as it appears that Jericho has a nonfunctioning microphone. McMahon ad libs "Isn't that typical - the man had a Canadian microphone, that's why it didn't work." Jericho goes back a second time and comes back with a second mic. "Dammit, Vince, you'd think with a multi-billion dollar company, you could get a microphone that works! Now before you continue to bore all of these Jerichoholics...with another long and opening speech, I wanted to come out here and get straight to the point, and that point is this: I want Stone Cold Steve Austin in a match for the World Wrestling Federation championship, and I want it right here, right now, tonight on RAW!" "Who the hell do you think you are, coming out here demanding a match against Stone Cold? And who are you to interrupt me? I'm Vince McMahon - I'm the *chairman* of the World Wrestling Federation!" "Aw, Vince, would you PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP! I know exactly who I'm dealing with, and that is Mr. McMahon - a man who thinks that he owns the entire sports entertainment industry - a man who thinks that his millions and bilions of dollars makes him better than everybody else - and a man who thinks he's fooling people when it's obvious he's really wearing one of the worst looking toupees I've ever seen in my entire life! And I also know that you think that you're a genetic jackhammer. Well I don't know about that but one thing is for certain - you have definitely created two of the biggest SLUTS that the world has ever seen! The first one is obviously your precious little princess, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley... ["slut!"] ...and the second one is your brand-new, personal, private slut Stone Cold Steve Austin! But I also know, Vince, that you think that you can sing. That's right, sing, I know it's hard to believe, but I want everybody here to watch this. Straight from the 1987 Slammy Awards...performing 'Stand Back...' heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Vince - Mac - Man!" And here's that footage - you know, I doubt Jake Roberts is REALLY playing that horn. I'll bet Hulk Hogan *is* playing bass, though, but unfortunately we tune out just as his solo starts. "Now that's what I call entertainment!" "Where did you get that footage? Where did you find that footage? It was locked up in a safe - how did you get your hands on that footage?! I'll tell you this - I tell you this, you want your title match tonight...you've got it. Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa - whoa whoa whoa -
oh I'm sorry - oh, I'm sorry, not the one all of you are thinking
about - no, tonight you'll take on the Hardcore champion the Big Show, In
This Very Ring. Tonight, we're going to find out whether RAW really is
makes his entrance here. "Jericho, I can't just -
stand - BACK - and let you have all the fun tonight. Vince, while there's
no doubt you're a great... ["Ben-oit!"] While there's no doubt you're a
great, a very *diverse* entertainer...and since Jericho has a hardcore
championship match agaynst the Big Show tonight, well, the only match that
would be MORE entertaining, the only match that the people would want to
see more would be ME against Stone Cold Steve Austin for the WWF title!"
"Since when are the two of you experts at entertainment?" "Experts? No -
we're not the experts - YOU'RE the expert, Vince - and what these people
don't know is that not only do you think that you're a great singer, well,
you also think that you're a great dancer. Let's have a look - let's have
a look." Various shots of Vince getting funky as I spy JYD and George
Steele in the "band." Ross compares him to Tom Jones with the June Taylor
dancers - and I sense a generation gap - nay, CHASM. "Oh you think you're
funny, huh? Come out here, embarrass me like that, real funny, I'll tell
you what we're gonna do. All right, Jericho, you already got your one on
one title match with the Big Show, so I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
Benoit, tonight, here In This Very Ring, you get to go one on one with a
275 pound Rhyno. Oh not, but wait - wait a minute, in the interest of
fairness, in the interest of fairness however, which one of you is the
more impressive in your individual match - and I'll determine that - one
of you tonight will in fact, after your individual match, face Stone Cold
Steve Austin for the World Wrestling Federation championship. And I'll
determine which one of you will be the more impressive of the two. Now
tonight, we'll find out just who will have the last laugh." "Well it
seems like everybody's already laughing at you for making a total jackass
outta yourself..." "Hey Vince, don't get angry, just STAND - BACK!" And
"Stand Back" plays again on the EntertainmentTron. Did Jimmy Hart get a
cheque from this airing?
Hey, look! It's Canada! It's Calgary! It's the exterior of the Saddledome! HEY! I think some guy is squatting behind that tree there! Geez, haven't these guys hear about *indoor plubming* YET?
HOWARD FINKEL stands on the stage. "Ladies and gentlemen, at this time, allow me to introduce at ringside, the first family of wrestling! Led by the individual who, this coming Wednesday in Ottawa, will be awarded the prestigious Order of Canada, please welcome the one and only STU HART and THE HART FAMILY!" And we take a pan of the front row - I see Diana and Bruce on either side of Stu...and a bunch of other folks I don't recognise.
HARDY BOYZ (with Lita & Eddie Guerrero) v. X-PACTOR & JUSTIN CREDIBLE (with Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalbert and the wwf.com logo) - Guerrero is wearing a Hardyz T-shirt, as well as a faggy - sorry, EFFEMINATE - Hardy trademark fishnetty arm thingamajig. Looks like Jeff is gonna start with Credible - knee by Credible, right, right, knee, into the opposite corner, Hardy up and over - hiptoss out, hiptoss again, kick, arm wringer, Credible pokes the eyes and tags out. There's an "ESPN :28/:58" update"-like insert at the bottom of the screen listing Saturday onsales - a nicer touch than having Ross take time out of his commentary for the plugs. Here comes X-Pac - HE gets a Japanese arm drag - Hardy with a gutshot, arm wringer and tag - open shot by Matt, working the arm wringer - X-Pac punches out, Matt with four rights of his own, whip into the ropes is reversed and X-Pac uses the momentum to take Hardy over the top to the floor. Then he pops Jeff one to make sure that referee "Blind" Jim Korderas has something to watch while all three members of X Factor move to Matt - Credible and X-Pac crotch him on the ringpost. Back in, as is Credible - stomping away, picked up for a big right hand. Tag to X-Pac - held for an open kick. Right. Hardy kicks back, X-Pac kick, right, right, kick, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, and he might be down long enough for the broncobuster - ayup. Pose on the second rope - stompdrop down. "X-Pac sucks!" Snapmares him over into the headlock - Hardy back up and elbowing out. 'Pac shoved in the corner - but he gets the boot up. Lita decides it's TIME TO CHEAT (to win?) and pulls X-Pac into a crotchin' via the ringpost. Both men are down - who will tag? MATT WILL! Jeff ducks a clothesline and keeps running, flying into a forearm on Credible that takes him off the apron to the floor. Double leg takedown on X-Pac, double legdrop between the legs - Credible in to take one as well. Matt in - Credible into the corner, Poetry in Motion! X-Pac is put in the corner...but HE ducks out, sending Jeff colliding with the turnbuckle. Hot shot for Matt - Credible and 'Pac set up for X Marks the Spot...Guerrero grabs Credible's ankle, planting him there, while Matt catches 'Pac's kick - spun around, gutshot, Twist of Fate - 1, 2, (umm Matt's not Legal) Credible breaks it up - or TRIES to, but ends up nailing his partner instead. Matt takes Credible outside while Jeff hits a swantonbomb - 1, 2, 3! (3:41) Albert is quickly in to get some revenge on Jeff but Guerrero comes in with a GREAT dropkick, pulls Jeff out and off they go!
Backstage, Trish is getting ready - Terri jostles her for some mirror real estate, then ends up spraying her with some stray hairspray. Terri asks her if she's going to the ring dressed like that. Trish says SHE needs to worry what she and Perry are gonna get from her and Steve tonight. Then she calls her a (beep) after she leaves. Oooh!
"RAW Magazine" ad - read about Triple H!
And now, Combos presents the WWF Slam of the Week! From
SmackDown!, Benoit misses a swandive headbutt, breaking something like ALL
of his ribs by going through the table.
In the Commissioner's office, Tajiri pours Regal his tea, then starts to hang a portrait of the queen - but ends up startled by Albert, dropping it. Albert wants Eddie Guerrero, one on one. Regal complies, but says there shouldn't be any outside interference. Albert agrees, saying he'll rip Eddie Guerrero in two. Tajiri bugs his eyes out as Regal says "I thought that Rhyno had a big head, look at the size of the head on him!" Tajiri pantomimes. "Yes, head!" That reminds me - Thursday, Regal said Rhyno's head looked like "an orange on a toothpick," so there you go.
RHYNO THE MAN BEAST v. CHRIS BENOIT - Benoit with the quick kick, forearm, into the ropes is reversed, gutshot by Rhyno, press - and drop. Rhyno quickly looking to the injured ribs - well, he WAS - right, right, off the ropes - Benoit ducks, waistlock, German suplex...holding on for two...Rhyno blocks the third attempt, back elbow, back elbow breaks it, to an arm wringer, short clothesline ducked and Benoit slaps on the THIRD German suplex! 1, 2, no! Stomp by Benoit, into the ropes attempted, Rhyno holds on and tries the clothesline again, but Benoit grabs the arm, ducks under and drops down with the crossface! Rhyno is at the ropes, though, and referee "Blind" Teddy Long forces the break. Benoit has a discussion with Long...and ends up falling to the GORE! GORE! GORE! but at least it puts him on the outside. Long holds back Rhyno as Combos provides a Double Feature and the crowd chants "Benoit." Rhyno out to bring Benoit back in - 1, 2, no! Right by Rhyno, right, kick, Benoit kicks back, kick, kick, chop, kick, Rhyno put in the corner - German suplex out! That's the *fifth* German suplex on Rhyno! Benoit shoves Rhyno into the corner, chops as he comes out - placed on the top turnbuckle and climbing up for a SUPERPLEX! That took a lot out of Benoit, as well, however. Both men are down. Benoit crawls over - 1, 2, NO!! Benoit rams Rhyno into the second turnbuckle. Into the ropes is reversed, and Rhyno hits a spinebuster. Rhyno ready to try it again - but Benoit sidesteps the gore, grabbing the arm along the way and slapping on the crossface one more time! Rhyno's never tapped, says Heyman, and ... he's wrong, 'cause that's a tap RIGHT THERE. (3:28) Is this an omen for Benoit?
Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! where, in the words of Jim Ross, "get a load of this HILARIOUS misunderstanding!" Enjoy those bogglin' eyes of Grand Master Sexay, 'cause WWF.com is reporting that since he was caught with drugs at the border, he's been SHITCANNED
MR. PARTY TIME & TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL v. PERRY & TERRI (with R2dicalz music - and Dean Malenko) in "if only I had my thesarus, I could come up with some witty adjectives I haven't previously used" intergender action - tonight, Stone Cold Steve Austin defends the WWF Championship! Saturn with a kick, two forearms in the back, head to the buckle, into the opposite corner is reversed, Blackman's monkey flip misses, Saturn's elbowdrop misses, Blackman with a dropkick, right hand, into the ropes, reversed, Blackman rolls under the clothesline, Saturn evades the spin kick, Blackman catches Saturn's kick, reverse leg sweep takedown, grabs the legs but Saturn muscles him down with a bodyscissors rollover - and there's the exploder! Big clothesline from Saturn. Saturn's whip into the corner is reversed, and Blackman hits a death suplex. Trish tags herself in, then shoves Saturn to HIS corner and tries to grab Terri! Only, there was no tag - oh well. Terri manages a hot shot nonetheless. Terri into the ring with a hairmare,
bringing her up for another
hairmare - now standing on her hair and tugging on her arms. Terri taunts
Blackman - Stratus manages a rollup for 2. Terri shoved in the corner,
kick, kick, kick, stomp stomp stomp, oh this looks horrible. There's the
bulldog - Terri landing about half an hour before Stratus starts her leap.
Shoving her back with her boot - off the ropes, but too close to Saturn,
who grabs her head and yanks her down to the mat. Terri tags - Saturn
licks his chops, but Stratus manages a between-the-knees crawl to tag
Blackman! Ducks a clothesline, clothesline of his own, into the ropes,
press up and karate chop on the way down, splits down for the uppercut,
into the ropes, hiptoss blocked, Northern Lights suplex by Saturn for 2.
Waistlock, Blackman elbows back, Saturn forearms him in the back, into the
ropes, reversed, Lethal Kick!! Blackman poses and tells the crowd he's
still the Lethal Weapon (or something), allowing Terri time to come in and
climb on his back. This is rather ineffectual. Blackman brings her over
his knee, and - yes, spanks her. Fallaway slam (!!) - fortunately, Saturn
catches her. Saturn ducks a clothesline after putting Terri down - double
clothesline puts both men down - in comes Trish with a spear - CATFIGHT
CATFIGHT CATFIGHT and referee "Blind" Jack Doan ain't no dummy - he'll
watch them roll all the way outside, where Malenko gets involved -
meanwhile, WCW's LANCE
STORM is in the ring with a superkick for Saturn -
Blackman covers, 1, 2, 3. Storm is out through the crowd. Yeah, if *I*
had to interrupt a match, you KNOW it'd be THIS one. Replay of Storm's
superkick - ooh, bad angle - that angle is MUCH better. Malenko and Terri
are left wondering why Storm showed up - while Saturn just looks like he's
just suffered yet another blow to the head.
"Tough Enough" ad
SummerSlam is coming to the Compaq Center 19 August! Buy your tickets NOW (while you still can)!
Mick Foley is STILL eating Chef Boyardee Big Beefaroni!
During the Break, Storm sprinted up the steps, out the door, and hugged Shane McMahon, who proclaimed it "on." And, like I said, what *better* way to make a statement than to run in on Blackman/Stratus vs. Malenko/Terri?
Vince berates his Canadian security - there better not be any more run-ins tonight, dammit, or people will be FIRED!
Here's a look at WWF New York.
Inside, AL SNOW presides over "servicemen enter free" night at WWF New York, and hypes up "Tough Enough." "I know what you're thinking - 'oh God, not another reality show,'" but this show is about a bunch of kids trying to live their dream.
Again, Ross tells brings up that mysterious letter he got promising we'd meet the Undertaker's wife tonight.
Meanwhile, Spike and Molly are holding hands! Gosh, she looks pretty tonight, says Spike. It's just too bad about all the fussin' and a fightin' between their families! "I will NEVER stop fighting for you." He puts his gum on the wall, and JUST before they kiss...Kurt Angle tells them to stop. "You're about to make the biggest mistake of your life! Let me tell you something, a little something about the birds and the bees, okay? First it starts with a little kiss, and then, who knows, the two of you end up falling in love, and then God forbid the two of you ever having babies, okay? It would be the most disgusting thing, it would be the biggest embarrassment to the human race, it's true." "Hey! Hey Kurt, who the hell do you think you are? I don't appreciate your attitude, and I am not gonna let you disrespect my girlfriend!" "Oh? Oh - what are you gonna do about it? Haven't I taught you a lesson? Didn't I teach you a lesson last week? What are you gonna do about it?" Spike hauls off and SLAPS him one! Spear into the wall...but Angle fires back and quickly takes over. Punches, forearms, and then an Olympic Slam into the wall. Molly runs off looking for Bubba and D-Von, finally finding them in a locker room. "You gotta come quick, come on!" They leave...just as Hardcore and Crash happen to be walking by their door. The Hollys quickly take advantage of the sneak attack opportunity, leaving them laying. "We'll see you Dudleyz in the ring - come on, Crash!"
The WWF Rewind is brought to you by 1-800-CAL-LATT! From RAW last
week, Big Show chokeslams Rhyno on a trashcan to take the hardcore title.
When we come back, Spike finds his half-brothers recovering from their attack. "I got two words for you, little brother - setup! That's what your little girlfriend (Molly) did to us - she set us up. We just got our asses HANDED to us! When are you gonna get it through your thick little skull that that girl is nothin' but trouble? And I told you once before...she's going through a table." D-Von says that girl cares nothing about him - Spike tries to protest, but he's shouted down. "When are you gonna realise that blood is thicker than water?" "Guys..." "SAVE IT." "Please..." "SAVE IT!" "Don't hurt her."
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW (with RAW is WAR is sponsored by Chef Boyardee Overstuff Ravioli, Stacker 2 and Burger King!) v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with RAW Credits & TV-14-DLV ratings box & Transmitido en espanol SAP & CC box) - you know, I never saw that "Owen" sign after the first segment...you don't think the sign police would...oh yes they would. Ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA introduces Jericho as not only coholder of the tag team championship, but also the intercontinental champion, which probably comes as news to Kane. Jericho ducks a clothesline on the floor to slide into the ring. then hits a baseball slide dropkick between the ropes to start - kick, right, right, kick, going under for props - chair to the gut, Show punches the chair into Jericho's face. "What are you thinking - huh?" Show runs Jericho into the STEEL steps. Here's a Combos Double Feature while Show arranges some props in the ring. Finally he's back over to Jericho (who hasn't moved) - scoop, press...and drop on the barricade. Show throws the top half of the steps in the ring as well. Jericho rolled into the ring as Show stokes a "Y2J" chant. Well it's a big clubbing forearm in the bac. Show grabs a garbage can and wedges it between the top and middle ropes. Show with a chair...but Jericho hits a gutshot, then dropkicks the chair into Show's knee. Going for a bulldog on the chair, but Show calmly catches him and lawn darts him into the can. Ouch! Well it's a big right. Show with a second trash can - dropping it in the ring - well it's a big headbutt to the back of the head, and Jericho falls over the trashcan. Show going for an Earthquake on the pile but Jericho's gone! Jericho with a trashcan lid - WHACK! WHACK! Show back up to his feet - big boot up stops Jericho off the ropes. Show's boot size, according to Ross, is 22EEEE. Going for the Final Cut but Jericho goes up and over the back, off the ropes...well it's a big clothesline. Show seems generally annoyed. Combos Double Feature of the punch as Show mauls Jericho in the corner. On the top rope - another forearm. Show grabs the steps and prepares to run at him - but Jericho pops off with a missle dropkick to the steps - Show falls, and the steps fall on his head (sorta) - Lionsault LANDS! Chad Patton counts the fall - 1, 2, 3!! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a NEW hardcore champion. (4:31) Is THIS an omen? Replay from a much more forgiving angle. Jericho stands at the top of the stage with a belt in each hand...only to turn back and take a surprise GORE! GORE! GORE! from RHYNO THE MAN BEAST, who had Mike Sparks in tow - 1, 2, 3 and ladies and gentlemen, we have ANOTHER new hardcore champion! (1:08) Ross: "Dammit!" Here's a replay of THAT.
Time now for a Classic King of the Ring moment - from 1993, Bret Hart hits a victory roll over Bam Bam Bigelow to take the very first King of the Ring (PPV) title - after the match, Jerry Lawler interrupted Gene Okerlund to tell Hart "there's only one King in the World Wrestling Federation, and I am that King!" and break the throne over Hart's body. Whatever happened to that Lawler guy anyway?
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALBERT (with Uncle Kracker music & Earlier Tonight) v. EDDIE
GUERRERO - Albert gets to
stomping as Guerrero enters the
ring, in the corner, Guerreor ducks the punch and peppers him with rights
and lefts, climbing to the second rope, raking the face, but Albert shoves
him off. Guerrero right, right, ducks a clothesline but not the followup
to the back of his head. WWF Live events scroll by in the ":28/:58
Update" window. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, scoop...backbreaker - holding
on for a second backbreaker - STILL holding on, into a big press...and
toss with a gorilla slam. "Fight back, you're boring me!" Stomp. Tied
up in the ropes, Albert unleashes the forearm. There's a catapult into
the second rope, throating Guerrero, who goes outside. Ross talks about
his mysterious letter again. Albert out after him - Guerrero fires back,
but Albert absorbs it and clubs him with the forearm once again. There's
a press over the top rope from the floor. Guerrero dropkicks the knees as
Albert tries to come back in - pescado attempt is CAUGHT, and Albert runs
him into the ringpost. Guerrero rolled back in - Albert back in -
Baldobomb coming up...no, Guerrero with three rights, trying a
Frankensteiner but Albert STOPS him and pulls him back up - Guerrero with
rapid-fire punches to take him off his feet. Into the corner, four
shoulders to the gut, into the opposite corner is reversed,
yaaaaaavalanche. Is that an "Eddie" chant? Here comes LITA despite the
commissioner's earlier ruling - Guerrero manages a body scissors rollup to
counter the Baldobomb attempt - 1, 2, 3! What did Lita have to do with
it? Eh. (2:51) Guerrero
runs out and gives Lita a big hug - then
realises what he's done and settles for getting five instead. That seemed
to change his look, though. Meanwhile, Albert is still trying to figure
out how he just got pinned, given that he forgot to look at Lita and get
By golly, it's STILL daylight out in Calgary! Boy that Saddledome sure is *garishly* coloured.
Courtesy: NBC, here's a look at Mick Foley's appearance on the Today show. Katie Couric...eh, FUHFUHWID
TONIGHT: it's a tag team table match! Before themore about it, Ross and Heyman are interrupted in mid-sentence by
A piece of videotape starts up...it's a woman in a bathrobe, with a distorted narrator providing a voiceover: "This is the Undertaker's wife, Sara, in the privacy of her own home...combing her beautiful blonde hair. Did she hear somethin'? Oh, Sara, you'll never see me...but more importantly, I need to see more of you. Oh yeah, Sara, we'll be seeing a lot more...of you." Sounds kinda like Austin's voice to me, but who knows? Perhaps it's the inevitable return of...THE STALKER
Meanwhile, the Hollys discuss strategy: namely, put a Dudley through the table. Molly asks if they mean Spike. "If Spike gets involved, he WILL go through a table." "But Spike hasn't done anything to you...you guys don't even know him!"
Meanwhile, Jericho and Benoit compliment each other's performance. Vince appears and tells them they were both very impressive...and have been for the last eight days or so. They BOTH deserve a shot; in fact, Austin would like to face them both at the same time - but that's not gonna happen 'cause he won't allow it. Vince says there was a "coin flip or whatever" and says that Benoit gets the nod. But just one thing - "tonight, after this match is over, I wanna sit down with both of you - I wanna know where you got that 'Stand Back' footage. Good luck" "Love the dancin', Vinnie! Well, that's it, Chris. I guess you're the man. If it can't be me, I'd rather it be you, but just think about what's at stake tonight, think about where we are, how apropos is it that we're in Calgary, where we both started, and how we trained, went through blood, sweat, hell, everything else, so we could end up here at this moment, in this night and become the WWF Champion. So tonight, this is about you. Tonight, it's your night, but I just wanna tell you one thing, WHEN you beat Stone Cold Steve Austin for that championship tonight, I just want to let you know that I wanna be the first one to take a shot at it, next. But forget about that, tonight, you this is YOUR night, Benoit. Let's do this. Show 'em what you got!"
TONIGHT: Dudleys! Hollys! Let this be the last time I see this set of graphics!
"Foley is Good" ad - and I bet this is the only mention of Chyna we get tonight....
You know what was good about that "Stand Back" footage, thinking back? It didn't have a WWF logo in the lower left corner. That's a subtle point, but it helps reinforce the notion that Jericho and Benoit, say, picked it up on Ebay.
When we come back, Regal and Tajiri are arguing over the ruined
picture frame, but stop when Vince enters. Regal introduces Tajiri -
Vince asks what's with all the bowing. "I've been telling him all the
time, but he won't stop." McMahon asks for him to be sent out for coffee,
and after he leaves (and Regal says "bloody foreigners," causing Vince to
double take) tells Regal "Listen, I've got something for you, okay? I
didn't want to say it in front of anybody...because only you can
appreciate this. Austin. Austin's come up with a BRILLIANT idea for the
main event - I don't wanna tell ya - I just want you to watch, and enjoy."
You know, when Vince said "only you can appreciate this," I think he must
have self-edited "and this cameraman" from that line...presumably in the
interests of saving precious television time
THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ (with Spike Damn Dudley - and Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight) v. KOOL MOE DEE & CRASH HAS NO LAST NAME (with wwf.com logo) in a tables match - I hope the Dudley Boyz aren't actually watching this replay on the EntertainmentTron, HMMMMM?! 'cause, you know, it sure looks like that could help clear up the misunderstanding, and it sure looks like D-Von WAS starting stageward this whole time. Pier Four Brawl to start with the Hollys taking the upper hand. Remember, every time they say "this is the Dudleyz SPECIALTY MATCH," what they're *really* saying is "the Dudleyz NEVER WIN this match." Crash is *already* out for a table as Hardcore goes corner to corner with knees in the corner. Table is set up - Bubba Ray tosses Crash, then moves the table out of the way of Hardcore's powerbomb of D-Von. Hardcore clotheslines Bubba Ray, then puts the boots to him. Crash back in to help with the doubleteam. Crash puts the table in the corner as Bubba Ray fights back - Hardcore to the eyes, then back over to D-Von as Crash tries to maintain the advantage on Bubba Ray. Hardcore shoves Crash into Bubba Ray, who is long gone - Crash slides down the table back into the ring. Bubba Ray manages a scoop and a slam on Hardcore - "what are you doing?" Bubba Ray stomps Crash while D-Von does the testify dance, and Bubba Ray asks for something I couldn't quite make out. Each man brings in a table. D-Von over to help Bubba lift a table such that they can't see Hardcore hit the Best Dropkick in the Business onto the table, taking them both out. Stomp to D-Von, Hardcore grabs their table and sets it up. Forearm to D-Von - into the ropes is reversed, duh, Hardcore's an idiot - of COURSE he goes down to 3D (Dudley Death Drop) to end it. (3:05) The Dudleyz actually win their specialty match! As Molly comes in to check on her cousin, Bubba Ray gets that look. Got her by the hair - Spike is up on the apron telling them not to do it. Bubba Ray pulls the table out of the corner - Spike tells him not to do it - Bubba Ray slaps him down. Bubba Ray on the second rope - Spike actually *laying down* on the table - so Bubba Ray superbombs Molly *through Spike* through the table, instead. Is that a heel turn? Hard to say...at least, tonight. Here are your replays. Coming back live, and STILL nobody is moving - except the Dudley Boyz.
This month's WWF Fanatic Series presentation is "The Best of WrestleMania 1-17!" Thank GOD this month is almost over
When we come back, various refs, officials and EMT's have joined the scene in the ring. Spike is still laid out - and asking about Molly. Meanwhile, Molly is asking about Spike. Awwwww - they're gonna be stretchered out together. Heyman, who just before this ad break quipped "D-Von, get the ambulance," now tries to get all somber on us with "I don't like seeing anybody get injured. At all. It's not funny." UH HUH
Commentators segue into a look at Triple H's injury from last week on RAW - looking at it, you STILL can't quite see how it happened, but we now know that it happened when he was planting his left leg while making the save towards the end of the main event. Here's a look at Triple H's trip to Healthsouth and visit to Dr. James Andrews - is that Steve Lombardi with him?
Andrews says he'll be on crutches for six weeks, and
it'll be at least four months before he can be back. H talks about the
end of the match last week - about taking the Walls of Jericho on the
announce table, about continuing the match despite his injury, and also
about how the first thing he was thinking about was when he'll be able to
come back. Footage from the next day, as Stephanie McMahon was there to
watch the operation and cry a lot - wow, she's really game to let the WWF
cameras exploit her like that. I don't doubt for a moment those are real
tears, too. Dr. Andrews talked about how difficult it was to find the
muscle tear, but they WERE able to successfully repair it. Triple H has a
lot of work ahead of him and a lot of rehab. Stephanie says the first
thing she'll say to Triple H is that it's over, and things are just gonna
Commentators wish Triple H well, and talk quickly turns to Benoit's big opportunity tonight. Heyman: "There's something goin' down tonight...you can feel it....in the air." Oh oh...I smell Heymanesque overkill
"Tough Enough" ad #2
WWF CHAMPIONSHIP: MY NAME IS STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN (with Billionaire Vince ... and Combos presents King of the Ring 24 June!) v. CHRIS BENOIT - I will say this, it really makes this main event seem like a special, big deal when they have HOWARD FINKEL back out to make introductions - AFTER both men get their entrance (not to mention the champ entering first): "Ladies and gentlemen, your referee for the following contest, EARL HEBNER. The following contest, scheduled for one fall, is for the World Wrestling Federation Championship! Introducing first to my right, the challenger: from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, weighing 229 pounds, he is the co-holder of the tag team championship, the Rabid Wolverine, Chris Benoit! And his opponent, hailing from Victoria in the Lone Star state of Texas, weighing 252 pounds, the reiging World Wrestling Federation champion, Stone Cold Steve Austin!" Austin's mouth curves into a sneer as his name is said. Man, they should do this for EVERY championship match. Hebner with instructions, then checking both fighters as McMahon walks around - Ross notes the presence of more security surrounding ringside, but attributes it to the previous run-in earlier tonight. I'm BEGGING somebody to say "Montreal" here, SHEESH. Well, here it is. Lockup, both men struggling for position - Austin provides the superior strength, shoving Benoit into the corner. Hebner wants the break but doesn't get it - Benoit switches positions and HE won't relent. Back to Austin...who finally puts up both arms to signal he's going to break. But instead, he drives the boot right into Benoit's taped, injured ribs. A second kick. A third. A fourth. A fifth. A sixth! Benoit, figuring that he won't last long if he keeps getting kicked in the ribs, fires back with a left-handed chop! And there's a second chop with the left hand! Benoit shifts to his right hand for a third chop! A fourth...and a fifth chop! Austin kicks back to regain control. Right hand. Head to the buckle. And now he drives his shoulder into Benoit's gut. Austin has picked his body part early - another shoulder drive - and one more. Hebner: "seven minutes." Pretend you didn't hear that. Austin with a knee to the head. Whip into the opposite corner, Benoit backs out and Austin is ready to clothesline him off the ropes, but Benoit catches the arm instead and tries for the crossface! But Austin must have scouted Benoit from watching the match with Rhyno - he spins out of the attempt, knee in the gut, forearm to the back of the head, and Benoit goes down. Stomp - stomp - stomp - stomp - every boot concentrated on the ribs. Benoit put into the ropes - Austin with a knee in the gut that sends Benoit into a flip. Austin covers - and gets 2. Benoit comes back with a chop - chop - chop - chop - chop - chop - chop - that's seven - off the ropes, ducks a clothesline from Austin, but Austin hits the Austin press and unleashes five punches to the head - Benoit hooks Austin's arms with his legs and tries for a pin - Austin rolls backwards and HE tries a pin - Benoit kicks out and grabs the arm - CROSSFACE! Austin crawls to the ropes, reaches...no...reaches...got it. McMahon breathes a sigh of relief. Austin rolls out to try to catch his breath - but Benoit is out after him. Benoit slams Austin's head into the commentary table - twice!
And now to the STEEL steps - two times,
Austin's head connects with the steps! Another big chop for Austin - chop
- but the next whip into the steps is reversed, and Benoit's ribs take
another punishing blow. Austin stands over Benoit, and twice stomps on
the ribs. The crowd comes alive with clapping and a "Benoit" chant.
Austin puts Benoit into the commentary table as well. Back in the ring we
go - Austin puts Benoit into the ropes, but Benoit manages a sunset flip -
Austin follows through and gets back to his feet - Benoit with a double
leg takedown - AND A SHARPSHOOTER! Crowd goes ballistic as Austin screams
in pain. Austin reaches for the ropes...but they're so, so far away.
Crawling closer...and Benoit pulls him back to the centre!! Austin
manages to turn ninety degrees and grab the bottom rope...to boos.
Austin outside again, Benoit following again. Benoit is relentless, but
Austin manages the kick. Another kick. Head to the commentary table.
Austin with a front suplex onto the barricade. The added security make
sure nobody approaches Benoit...and Austin brings him back in over the
barricade. ANOTHER front suplex lands Benoit ribs-first onto the
barricade. Ross says Hebner won't count 'em out tonight. Austin with a
vertical suplex onto the commentary table, which doesn't break! Austin
has a big smile on his face - back in the ring and Austin cover - 1, 2,
Benoit kicks out. Austin covers again - and again Benoit is out at 2.
Austin now targets the ribs with an abdominal stretch...adding to the
pressure by grabbing the top rope for leverage. Hebner manages to spot
it, and kicks the arm off - allowing Benoit to take over Austin in a hip
toss! McMahon is quick to complain about Hebner's interference in the
action, but Hebner is the main in the stripes, not McMahon - Benoit with a
German suplex!! And holding on for a SECOND German suplex! Still holding
on - Austin desperately trying to elbow out of the waistlock - two elbows
but Benoit ducks the third, setting Austin on the top turnbuckle, left
handed chop, two, THREE chops, climbing up and threatening the
superplex...but Austin stays put, throwing Benoit back into the ring!
Austin is down off the perch, and HE has Benoit on the top turnbuckle -
and HE has the superplex on his challenger. 1, 2, NO!! Austin covers
again - 1, 2, NO!! Austin with six blows to the head, ANOTHER cover, and
ANOTHER kickout by Benoit! Austin, frustrated, tosses Benoit out of the
ring...and goes for his title belt. He's ready to swing, but Hebner
manages to grab it from him! There won't be a disqualification tonight!
Austin with a right hand on Benoit as somebody says "We gotta go home,"
and Austin puts Benoit back in the ring - McMahon and Hebner are having a
big argument as Austin picks up Benoit - KICK WHAM STUNNER! Austin has
the leg hooked but Hebner is still tied up with McMahon - Hebner throws
the title belt into the ring as McMahon bumps him around - are THEY going
to come to blows? Meanwhile, Austin is up to try to flag down the
referee...and having no luck. Benoit is up - found the belt - CLOCKS
Austin! Ross counts to three as Hebner comes in - McMahon reaches for
Hebner but misses him! 1, 2, AUSTIN KICKS OUT!! Benoit wants Hebner to
be VERY sure of that count...and now *he* has taken his eyes off his
opponent. Austin with three kicks to the body - whip into the ropes, KICK
WHAM, NO-- Benoit shoves him off, then grabs his arm and drops down with
the Crossface! Hebner checks on Austin...and McMahon pulls him out of the
ring! Hebner up - SHOVING McMahon down!! Back in and asking Austin if
he's going to give it up...no, he's got that bottom rope once again.
Benoit stays on him - stomp, stomp, stomp. Benoit is relentless - into
the ropes is reversed, Austin drives a knee into the injured ribs - then
drops down to lock in Benoit's own hold, the crossface! Well, you can
probably guess what happens next. McMahon goes crazy making timekeeper
ring the bell, then forces Finkel to announce Austin as the winner by
submission. (11:12) Ross is apoplectic.
"BENOIT NEVER GAVE UP! DAMMIT! BENOIT JUST GOT SCREWED! THAT'S WHAT
AUSTIN HAD IN MIND! IT WAS AUSTIN'S PLAN! AUSTIN -- CELEBRATING LIKE HE
JUST WON THE WWF TITLE HIMSELF!" KICK WHAM STUNNER and Hebner is down.
Vince presents Austin with the wrong, tag team championship belt (!) and
they walk off - Heyman finally says "shades of Montreal" as they stand at
the bottom of the ramp with arms raised - but CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO is back
out, punking out both men with a double clothesline! Jericho stomps away
on Austin - and Benoit is out to JOIN him! Right hand by Jericho, right
by Benoit, Austin pinballing back and forth - Austin put in the ring -
Benoit working over *McMahon* (!) while Jericho ducks a clothesline,
double leg takedown - LIONTAMER! And now Benoit has McMahon in the ring -
AND IN THE CROSSFACE!! Both men tap, but it doesn't help them any -
TWO REFS - make
it FOUR REFS
are out, but neither man will be denied. The LAST TWO REFS, SERGEANT SLAUGHTER & TONY
GAREA join the attempt, but all that ends up
happening is a more impressive scuttle as Jericho and Benoit clear the
ring of all but the carcasses of Austin and McMahon. Benoit's music
plays. Wotta show! That last bit right there - and Ross' final say on
commentary - makes the subtle yet *incredibly important* difference
between Vince Russo's multiple attempts to recreate Montreal, and this WWF
team of writers' attempt to recreate Montreal (only, not exactly recreate
it). Ross: "BENOIT GOT SCREWED OUT OF THE WWF TITLE! BUT BY GOD, BENOIT
- AND JERICHO - KICKED AUSTIN AND MCMAHON'S ASS - AND I MEAN THEY KICKED
IT BIG-TIME!" Closing credits, WWF logo, we're out at ten after...
...and next week, I'M out. Come back then!