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QUICK QUOTE: WWF 12.26 (- .31, last year: 17 5/8)

TONIGHT: The Hollys and the Dudleyz COLLIDE! What do you MEAN you've seen it before? C'mon, you LOVE watching Molly go through tables! Besides, there'll also be two KOR Qualifiers if you don't like that. COME ON!

THIS WEEK'S SPECIAL MIAMI VICE GUEST STAR: David Andrews, I guess - boy, they get light towards the end of the last season, don't they? At least that means THEY'LL START ALL OVER SOON! WOOOOO By the way, if you get *really* bored (or you're *really* into Vice - not sure where I fall between those lines yet), you can tune into "The E! True Hollywood Story" later this week and catch *their* hour on Vice. It'll be rerun Thursday, Friday and Sunday. (Later on Sunday - that's right - "New Kids on the Block." Set those VCR's NOW!)



TV-14-DLV - CC - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

Opening Credits - funny they've kept Shane in there, isn't it?

ONCE AGAIN IT'S ON - coming to you LIVE from the Richmond Colesium in Richmond, VA 11.6.1 on TNN (and maybe TSN), transmitido en espanol SAP and don't forget about WWF New York, the WWF! And in the WWF, RAW is WAR!

TONIGHT: All three Dudleyz take on all three Hollys! What will happen to Molly? And will it involve KISSIN'?

COMMISSIONER REGAL takes the plum opening tirade spot. CORRUPTION! "Tonight, my friends, I come out here with a simple question. Where has all the sportsmanship and decency gone? Last week on SmackDown!, the match between Stone Cold Steve Austin and Mr. McMahon versus Chris Jericho and Chris Benoit will be forever tained. Please, roll the footage. Roll the footage, please. (Benoit pulls the tights to get the pin) Shame on you, Chris Benoit! Not only do you perform such foul, disgusting tactics, but you promote nudity as well! ["Asshole!"] If that, the actions of Chris Benoit, are the actions of a man befitting of being a champion, then I should stand down from my commissionership right now! (pop) But I won't, because I still think that sportsmanship and good manners will TRIUMPH in the end! So if you disagree with me... ["Foley!"] if you disagree with me, Benoitr and Jericho, I give you the chance to 'prove me wrong,' so to speak. Chris Jericho, after the unsportsmanlike conduct last week of putting ME in the Walls of Jericho....tonight, you will face in a handicap match Rhyno and the Big Show! And you, Chris Benoit...tonight, you will face in competition a man that abhorrs foul play as much as I do, Your Olympic Champion and Hero Kurt Angle! And to make it such a special event for all of you, my friends, it will take place in the confines of this steel cage that hangs above me. Now, it's coming soon to King of the Ring, and I'm in a little bit of a bid, you see, because although Chris Jericho and Chris Benoit both hold wins over Stone Cold Steve Austin in tag team matches, that doesn't really prove anything to me that you are worthy of a title shot for the WWF title against Stone Cold Steve Austin. I will not put up with your nonsense. Tomfoolery may have gone on with other commissionerships that were here in the WWF, but not while I'm here, because I (William Regal) am by far--" SKREEEKRASH here comes MICK FOLEY to talk about his book - oh, wait, for once he isn't carrying it with him. Ross quickly picks up the slack by exclaiming "FOLEY IS GOOD!" Sheesh. Crowd chants "Foley" again. "Thank you. Thank you very much, this - this may come as something of a shock to you, but I'd like to say to you, William, that I wish in the past I'd taken a little bit more time to listen to your words of wisdom, because I'd just like to admit, and it's going to be hard for me to do, but I would like to admit that many times in the past I have been guilty of committing tomfoolery. As a matter of fact, my entire commissionary reign was plagued by rampant, nonstop acts of tomfoolery! And as we all know, tomfoolery just begets more darn tomfoolery - what a fool I've been!" "What the bloody hell are you talking about?! I know I say this to you every time I see you, but is there any point to this incoherent rambling?" "Actually William (my good chap) tonight, there is - and speaking of tonight, did you see my performance on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno? Tonight, there is, because right here IN RICHMOND VIRGINIA! I have come to announce a very important guest." "Let me just stop you right there, sunshine. Listen, you don't have ANY power here whatsoever anymore - I'M in charge! The only guest that you'll be getting is a visit with somebody that you know very well, and that is Security. Security, please take this foul disgusting, miserable pillock away! And so I am sorry, Michael, but your guest will just have to wait outside with all the other deadbeats - Security, come and get this fool--" But once again the music interrupts - it's "(Oh oh) WrestleMania" and that can only mean OH BOY! Some NEW BLOOD to liven up this segment - or LINDA McMAHON - take your choice. Regal grins. "Ah, Mrs. McMahon, what an unsuspected (unsuspected?) surprise, I mean - what do we owe the pleasure? It's absolutely wonderful to see you, honestly, it's so---" "William - William, thank you. But let's just dispense with all of your little pleasantries if we may. You see, William, I've been spending a lot of time talking to lawyers, and I've been spending a lot of time thinking about what would be an appropriate main event for King of the Ring. You s-- you see, I don't agree with you, William, in your judgment of Benoit and Jericho, I've heard you say you don't think they're worthy of a title shot - but I do. I believe BOTH gentlemen are worthy of a title shot. And I thought that what might be fair - and you think about this - what might be fair would be to have Stone Cold Steve Austin defend his title against Benoit and Jericho, but in individual matches. Wawawait, wait, hear me out. You see, if Austin first faces Benoit and is successful, then in a second match on the evening of King of the Ring, he would have an opportunity to face Jericho." "But Mrs. McMahon, please, I mean Stone Cold Steve Austin having to wrestle two matches in one night at King of the Ring - is that fair?" "Well, you know, William, I think this is one time when you and I might see eye to eye. Actually, I *don't* think that would be fair, but I don't think it would be fair to Benoit or to Jericho. You see, if Benoit faced Austin and he won, Jericho would have no opportuntity at a title match, so it wouldn't be fair to either fellow. So I put that idea aside and - actually thought, I'll just forget about having any involvement in King of the Ring...but then I got a call from Mick. And, ah, it was Mick who pointed out to me something that was said last week on SmackDown!, so let's roll that footage so you can see exactly what I'm talking about." "William, you're gonna LOVE this one." "Stone Cold Steve Austin can beat Chris Benoit and Chris Jericho, any night, in this ring, at the same time, because that's what kind of champion Stone Cold Steve Austin is." "So, what I have to say to that is, Mick, thanks for the tip, and Stone Cold...thank you!" "Foley!" "Because, having just heard in Stone Cold's own words that that's the kind of champion he is, then I think (in the interest of fairness) that the main event of the King of the Ring should definitely be Stone Cold Steve Austin defending his title against both Chris Benoit and Chris Jericho in a Triple Threat match!



That way, obviously from Austin's own lips, he gets what he wants, Benoit and Jericho definitely get what they want, and probably Mr. McMahon himself will be happy knowing that my lawyers and I have gotten what we want, which is the only fair thing. But ah, Commissioner - is that what you want? What do YOU think?" "Yes, William - what indeed do YOU want?" "Well, Mrs. McMahon, if you and your lawyers are happy, then....I'm sure Mr. McMahon will be very happy and King of the Ring, Stone Cold Steve Austin will be in a Triple Threat match against Chris Jericho and Chris Benoit for the WWF title! Now is there anything else that I can do for you?" "I'd just like to point out that that was one fine piece of commissionary work you did, and also point out that you did refer to Mrs. McMahon as a 'deadbeat.'" SKREEEEEKRASH Linda - I think - makes a face. WOW WHAT A PAYOFF! I wonder why Linda didn't have Regal change Jericho and Benoit's matches for tonight - ohhhh I'm getting dizzy

I went back and checked - Linda tugs on her jacket somewhere around *31* times. That woman needs to find something else to do with her hands while she addresses the nation!

And now, Combos presents the WWF Slam of the Week! From SmackDown!, Kane gives X-Pac the big powerbomb to retain his title, but Albert strikes post-match with HIS Baldobomb.

Backstage, Edge chats with Rhyno. "Hardcore title, huh? How's that treatin' ya?" "Fine. You're not thinking about trying to take it are you?" "Oh, dude, that's not my cup of tea--" Here's Christian. "What's going on here, guys? Huh? What are you guys doing? Oh I get it - I get it - this is the 'already advanced in the King of the Ring' club. Yeah. That's why you guys are so smug, that's great. Well I got Kane next, the intercontinental champion. I have to go through Kane to qualify for the King of the Ring - man this REEKS!" "Man, don't worry about it! I'll be in your corner, and Rhyno will be back here rootin' ya on, you'll advance!" "Oh - that's pretty reassuring - a lot of good you did me last week." Off he goes. "You know what - he's my brother, but sometimes he can be such a (beep)!"

KING OF THE RING QUALIFYING MATCH: KANE v. CHRISTIAN (with Edge - and Edge's music) - Kane with a boot in the gut, right, right, Christian goes down. Into the corner, double choke...and drop. Off the ropes, but the elbowdrop misses - Christian with a seated clothesline. Right, right, right, right, whip is reversed into a short clothesline by Kane. Christian pops up, right hand from Kane down. Into the ropes, tilt-a-whirl slam. Each show, Kane's bandages are a little smaller. Into the corner, but Christian gets the elbow up. Christian with a right, right, Kane shoves him back in the corner. Christian ducks the clothesline - but runs into the big boot. Kane going up for the flying clothesline - and hits it! Cover - 1, 2, Edge pulls Kane off. Kane looks Edge's way - then tries a swing at Christian - ducks, hooks the arm, going for the Tomokaze but Kane breaks up the hold on his arms - ducks under Christian's legs and gets him on his shoulders. Christian falls back to get out, off the ropes..but into a choke. Edge up on the apron before Kane can unleash the chokeslam - Kane lets go and grabs Edge - Christian runs at Kane, who moves out of the way and there's the "misunderstanding" collision - oh no. CHOKESLAM!! Edge has referee "Blind" Tim White tied up at the ropes, however, which means he *completely* misses YAAAAAAAAAAAALBERT coming in, hitting a Baldobomb on Kane, and leaving - Christian covers - 1, 2, 3, and Christian advances. (2:14) Kane with the zombie situp - and general cursing - but Christian and Edge are long gone.

Outside the arena, Mr. & Mrs. Austin arrive - Debra pulling the luggage, Steve with the belt over his shoulder. They come in as Linda and Mick are leaving. "Debra, how are you - Steve, how are YOU?" "How do you think I am, Linda? You're making my life - take this - take it and put it in my dressing room. (Debra groans) You're making my life miserable! Just like you're making Vince's life miserable! That's what you do! You make people miserable! You got no business here! You got - why don't you go do what women do - why don't you go scrub some pots and pans--" Mick steps in front as Linda gets in the limousine. "Why don't you shut your mouth - you listen to me. I don't like the way you treat your wife..." "What's my name?" "...your name's Steve Austin, and I'm telling you, you can treat your wife how you like, I don't like it, but I can't do anything to do it, but that's Linda McMahon, and you WILL treat her with the respect she deserves...Steve." Mick walks off...Steve rushes the limo window. "Go scrub some pots and pans, Linda - takin' all his money, are you happy? Do you think you deserve that much money? Five hundred m-- don't roll up that window, Linda! You don't deserve that much money, Linda! You didn't do NOTHIN' for it! You didn't--" "Hey Steve! Steve! Maybe you didn't hear the match that Linda McMahon just made out there, the match that Commissioner Regal officially ratified, so let me tell you - it'll be you defending your WWF Championship against Chris Benoit - and Chris Jericho - at the same time in a Triple Threat match! How's that hitcha, CHAMP?" Austin runs around but Mick's already in HIS side of the limo, which drives off. "Come back here you - son of a bitch!" Austin upends a trash can, then yells out "YOU SON OF A (BEEP)!"

WWF Fanatic Series: "Chris Jericho - Break Down the Walls" spot

Chyna (who?) shills Stacker 2

Mick Foley shills Big Beefaroni

Here's a look at the exterior of the Richmond Colesium

Here's a look at Mick Foley on



the Tonight Show (courtesy NBC Studios)

HARDY BOYZ (with Lita & Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) v. JUSTIN CREDIBLE & JUSTIN OTHERGUY (with Let Us Take You Back 2 Weeks to SmackDown!) - Footage of Albert tossing Eddie Guerrero out of the ring and Guerrero clutching his knee is offered by way of writing Eddie out of things for a while - he's gonna "be away several weeks to take care of his issues - including his knee." And just when his angle was getting good, too, right? Poor Eddie - hope he gets well. X-Pac starts with Matt - 'Pac with a lunge for Lita, just in case you forgot he was a heel. Lockup, Hardy with the side headlock, X-Pac to the gut, powering out - shoulderblock by Hardy. Up and over, leapfrog by X-Pac, hiptoss by 'Pac blocked, knee over the neck, flippy flippy, spinning heel kick ducked, sitout clothesline by Hardy, arm wringer, X-Pac punches out, right, Hardy right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, X-Pac shoves Matt through the ropes and outside, then runs over to give Jeff a free shot - and also draw the attention of referee "Blind" Chad Patton away from Credible, who superkicks Matt on the outside. Rolled back in for X-Pac, who covers as Patton figures out what's up - 1, 2, no. Head to the buckle, tag to Credible. Kick, kick, kick, kick, right, right, right, right, right, pulling him out of the corner into a powerbomb-alike for 2. Head to the buckle, tag out. Kick by Credible, crowd chants "Lita." 'Pac runs Matt's head into the adjacent corner, kick trifecta, skipping into the broncobuster - but nobody's home! Credible in to try a seated dropkick - Matt evades THAT and Credible lands between the turnbuckles, trying to wrap his ankle around the bottom rope in the process. Matt makes a lunge and MAKES THE TAG! Jeff flips into the ring - ducks X-Pac's clothesline and clotheslines Credible on the followthrough - double leg takedown on 'Pac, double legdrop between the legs, gutshot for Credible, into the corner where Credible goes up and over - Matt crouches next to him for Poetry in Motion - X-Pac tries a whip on Matt, but that's reversed - Poetry in Motion for him! Matt with a scoop slam on X-Pac as Jeff climbs up...but Credible crotches him on top. Matt right Credible, right, right, taking him outside - meanwhile, Lita hits the scary rana on X-Pac - Jeff is back up and THERE'S the swantonbomb - and there's a 1, 2, 3. (3:18) But Credible turns it around on Matt with a DDT on the floor - then comes back in to take it to Jeff. X-Pac outside, bringing a chair in - WHACK for Jeff. Play THEIR music!

In the Commissioner's office, Tajiri learns that the best way to become a WWF Superstar is to continue to do the commissioner favours. In barges Austin. "Boy you're about to get your damn ass whupped! Don't give me that stupid look - you booked a King of the Ring Triple Threat match - Stone SHUT UP - Stone Cold, Benoit and Jericho - who do you think you are?" "I had no choice--" "Yeah you DID have a choice - LOOK AT ME - my name is Stone Cold Steve Austin and I did not-- get your ass over here" Austin clears his desk for him. "GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE. You look at me like a damn man. Who do you think you are? Do you know who I am?" Tajiri thoughtfully rubs underneath his nose. "I know who you are." "Then what are you thinking?" "Well, it was the lesser of two evils...Mrs. McMahon--" "I just sent her ass outta here!" "...look, I'm trying - she wanted you to wrestle both Chris Benoit and Chris Jericho in singles matches at King of the Ring, I'm only trying to do the best for you." "How you figure it's the best for me? I got two guys in one match? See look - there's a conspiracy going on against here, trying to get the World Wrestling Federation title from Stone Cold." "If Mr. McMahon would sort out his marital problems, we wouldn't have any of this, would we?" "That's the excuse you're gonna use - you better come up with something better than that..." Tajiri interrupts at this point, seeing Austin put his hands on Regal - Austin, however, doesn't speak Japanese and doesn't take kindly to the interruption, laying into Tajiri with a big right hand, running him over the desk (breaking the tea service in the process), and continuing to stomp a mudhole in him, then shoving the chair over him. Austin calls him a (beep) and takes off, leaving carnage in his wake.

"Tough Enough" ad

When we come back, Trish Stratus catches up to Steve Blackman, who is wielding his mighty kendo dick - stick. Kendo stick. She offers her support at ringside in his KOR Qualifier match with Saturn. Blackman suggests she's not there to help him, but to get some more payback against Terri since she didn't get enough in the bra and panties match. "Speaking of that bra and panties match, you seemed to pay close attention to that, huh?" "Well, I mean I - I was watching it for the wrestling moves." "Right! What was your favourite move?" "Umm...uh...." "I know, it boggles the mind really, I mean it was such a technical match and all. I'll see you out there, Steve." Blackman ponders...and let's his staff fall from half to limp. YUK YUK YUK

Meanwhile, Jericho and Benoit discuss. "Just think about it, Chris - what a chance at King of the Ring, in a Triple Threat match for the World Wrestling Federation championship - Austin versus you...versus me. And how long have we been waiting for this opportunity, our entire careers, and I just wanna tell you man to man, friend to friend, that if I win that championship I want you to be the first one that gets a shot at it." "If you win?" "Yeah." "Well Chris, I'm glad to see you've got that confidence, but I don't want you to forget I'm also gonna be in that ring." "No." "And when *I* win the championship, out of respect, I'm gonna give YOU the first shot." "Well keep this in mind, too, Chris, it might just come down to you versus me. And with the championship on the line, I wanna tell you I'm gonna be giving it my all - 100% - to win the title." "You know I wouldn't expect anything less - but after all the hell we've been through - and what we've accomplished, and after all the hell Stone Cold's put us through - at King of the Ring - heh - he's due for some serious payback." "Yeah, you're damn right he is." After nodding knowingly, they part ways...

Meanwhile, Spike and Molly are FINALLY alone - they've been walking around since SmackDown! looking for a place of their own! "Molly, I'm so psyched to see you." "You are?" "Yeah, I've been thinking about you all week, and tonight I promise to give you what I tried to give you on SmackDown!, and I always keep my promises. But then I get to the arena and I find out about this six person tag match!" "I know, I'm so sorry about Hardcore and Crash. I don't know why the Hollys always feel like they have to fight to solve their problems. And then tonight, me and my cousins having to wrestle you and your brothers - I wish my cousins would just leave me alone, and let me live my life!" "Molly, you don't have to apologise for them - they're just being protective of you and I can certainly understand that. But as for this match, you've got nothing to worry about. I won't fight against you - I'll only fight for you. Our families, they can fight if they want to, but as far as I'm concerned, nothing's gonna come between us." "Oh, Spike..." They grab hands and lean in....only to have Bubba Ray pull back Spike by the hair at the last minute. "Oh. I'm so sorry! Was I interrupting something? Huh? Come on, Spike. We got a match." "Oh yeah, Molly - don't worry - I won't forget to bring the table."

Meanwhile, Austin is in the underground parking lot with Vince McMahon. "Made it? Yeah, your stupid wife made a match at King of the Ring - Stone Cold Steve Austin versus Benoit and Jericho in a Triple Threat match, it's a conspiracy, two on one, and I do not like it! And I hold you responsible." "Steve, I don't know a damn thing about--" "I THINK YOU DO!" "I don't know a damn thing about this - let's talk about it in the dressing room!"



Vince starts to walk, but Austin grabs him by the lapel and pulls him back. "Don't you walk away from me! Don't you dare walk away from me." There's a long, uneasy staredown...and then Austin HUGS McMahon. The camera walks around to McMahon's back - Austin has a blank expression on his face as he pats Vince's back.


It's SummerSlam in the Compaq Center at San Jose! Tickets are still available for this 19 August show!

Time now for a Classic King of the Ring moment! From last year, Jericho applies a Greco-Roman liplock to Stephanie.

CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with Combos Snax presents King of the Ring!) v. RHYNO THE MAN BEAST AND WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW in a handicap match - Rhyno rushes the ring and they trade rights as Show's entrance begins. Whip into the corner by Jericho, bulldog out, suplex, then running to the ropes for a springboard dropkick for the Show, keeping him out on the floor. Right for Rhyho, into the ropes, back elbow, Lionsault - 1, 2, Show pulls Jericho outside - knee, into the STEEL steps, well it's a big short clothesline. Show presses Jericho over the top rope and back inside, where Rhyno uncorks a clothesline. Head to the buckle. Kick, kick, kick, kick, words for referee "Blind" Mike Chioda, into the opposite corner, big shoulder to the gut. Head to Show's boot, tag. Well it's a big whip into the ropes, well it's a big boot. Well it's a big elbowdrop. You know what? I STILL find this riff funny, so screw the lot of you. Show puts a boot onto Jericho - Chioda counts 1, then Show decides to walk over Jericho and say "you don't count 'til I tell you to!" Chioda: "Yes sir!" "How's your Jericho now?" "Y2J" chant. Tag to Rhyno. Open kick, right, into the ropes, head down, Jericho kicks, enzuigiri. Both men are down - Show yells for the tag. Chioda up to 6 - both men up - Jericho lands first - right, into the ropes, reversed, Jericho with the flying jalapeno! We'll hear from Triple H later tonight! Free shot for the Show. Right for Rhyno - oops, shouldn't have made him angry - Show in with a double sledge to Jericho's back. Well it's a big knee. Slap. Rhyno and Show take turns. Into the opposite corner - Rhyno whips Show into a do si do whip of Rhyno, but Jericho's gone - Show runs at Jericho, but he sidesteps him so he can splash Rhyno instead. Right by Jericho, right, Show with the choke. Jericho kicks him in the....Little Show. Rhyno tossed over the top rope. Jericho up top - missile dropkick! Going for the Walls of Jericho - and he's got it! But Rhyno comes in - Jericho releases Show, double leg, Walls of Jericho on Rhyno! But Show stops THAT, grabbing him by the neck - ahhhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAAAM! (Ross: "what a spike piledriver!" YIKES) But now it's Rhyno with the GORE! GORE! GORE! on the Big Show (WOT!), then covers Jericho to steal the fall. (4:13) Show seems unhappy - Jericho seems concussed.

Hey look! It's Shane O Mac! And! He's! WALKING! He catches up to Kane - after they have an irrelevant conversation about Albert, Shane thanks Kane for saving his bacon last week. Shane repeats that he has nothing to do with the Sara thing, and he shouldn't stick his nose in family business, but... "Shane, if you KNOW something..." Shane says that he knows one person who interferes in marital affairs - for instance, Stephanie and Triple H - and it's Kurt Angle. "That goody two shoes image just might be a little too goody two shoes, if you know what I mean." Wow, maybe this *is* continuity - like, if Kane actually FALLS for this and drops the dime on Angle to his brother, it'd prove that he's STILL *retarded*

When we come back,



MICHAEL KING COLE catches up to Rhyno backstage. Why'd he do what he just done? "Simple, Michael. I've beaten Chris Jericho not once, not twice, but three straight times. Now, at King of the Ring, if Chris Jericho wins the WWF title...makes ME the #1 Contender. Not bad, huh?"

Your hosts are LARRY KING & PAUL HEYMAN. Still to come tonight, Blackman and Saturn in the KOR Qualifier, and a huge cage match with Benoit and Angle!

In the trainers room, Chris Trainerguy checks on Jericho - nobody's home from the concussion. Suddenly, Steve Austin comes in and lays out Jericho with a vicious beatdown.

Here's KING KURT ANGLE (with "WWF: The Music [Volume 5]" CD cover and RAW Credits & TV-14-DLV ratings box & CC box) to share a few words. "As an American hero, it makes me SICK whenever I set foot in Richmond, Virginia. Richmond - 'the capital of the Confederacy.' Boy did your ancestors screw up - big-time! And as bad as your ancestors were, you people are even worse! At least they fought in real-life battles - you people spend perfectly good time re-enacting those battles - battles in which you lost, I might add; you got your butts kicked! And since you people are so fond of re-enactments, I decided to have one right In This Very Ring tonight. Tonight you will see the historic re-enactment of Kurt Angle kicking the H-E-double hockey sticks outta Chris Benoit one more time! Only this's gonna be in a steel cage. Shut up. And this time, I'm gonna snap his ankle in two! You know, all my life I've lived by one motto and one motto only: Cheaters never win. And Benoit, you're a cheater. And me, I'm a hero WORSHIPPED by millions! Oh it's true - it's true. And it's my non-cheating ways that have enabled me to be the very first WWF Superstar to be inducted into the National Amateur Wrestling Hall of Fame. You people wanna see the footage? I thought so - roll it. Stillwater, Oklahoma - Your Olympic Hero, proudly accepting the National Wrestling Hall of Fame honour. Of course, you people wouldn't know about a true American hero, wouldja? You people HAVE to respect that! Shut up and show some respect to Your Olympic Hero! You know something - all of you combined haven't accomplished a hundredth of what I've accomplished! Oh it's true. And to be honest, I'm ABOVE the average man, and I'm not being arrogant. In fact, I'd go so far to say...that I'm the closest thing to a modern-day superhero there is." "Angle sux!" "No I *don't* suck, I'm a National Hall of Fame inductee!" Ha ha "I mean, think about this, I can take down any person at any given time - WOW! Real life heroes - firemen, policemen, teachers - they've all done great things, but compared to me, they got NOTHIN'! And it's my superhero qualities that will enable me to be the very first WWF superstar to win back-to-back King of the Ring honours. I will be the King of the Ring champion two years in a row, oh it's true, it's true. And if that's not enough, after I successfully defend my King of the Ring crown, I'm gonna have MORE than enough to teach that snot-nosed punk Shane McMahon a little lesson. And Shane, I know you're in the building, walking around like some idiot talent that you are, planning your little sneak attack. Well Shane, for once in your life, don't be a coward - if you wanna face me, if you wanna confront me, come out here right now. That's right, Shane, I'm calling you out, let's go!" Of course, the response is from TAKER, who walks out and backs up Angle. "Whoa whoa, I got no beef with you--" "Shut your stinkin' mouth! I'll TELL you when you can talk. Word has it you like messin' with other men's wives. Shut your mouth, Kurt. Now if you know anything about mine and what's goin' on with her, I suggest you start talkin' while you still got teeth in your mouth." "What are you talking about? Whoa whoa whoa. Hey I'm sorry some maniac is stalking your wife but I got better things to do! First of all, I met your wife once - I didn't even like her! I didn't even find her attractive!" Oops. SOUPBONE! Taker helps him up, to give him the Last Ride. At this point, the EntertainmentTron fires up with another video.

"Undertaker, we're back here at your home. But Sara's not there - where is she? What have you done with her? (cut to a black glove opening a hotel room door) I know where Sara is. Yeah, Sara's here. Sara's here in this hotel room where you've hidden her out. Trying to keep Sara away from me. I don't like that, Undertaker. I don't like you keeping Sara away from me. I'm growing tired of your games, Undertaker. Very tired of your games. I'm warning you, don't keep Sara away from me. Because wherever Sara is...I'll be. And I've left your wife a special message. Sara...I know where you are." Yikes, pawing through the underwear?

Taker runs up the aisle and outta here - meanwhile, SHANE O MAC hits the ring from the crowd, gives Angle an Olympic Slam (!), then runs off before Security can catch him - but they play his music anyway. Ummm.....yeah

And now, the WWF Rewind, presented by 1-800-COL-LECT! From RAW last week, Hugh Morrus moonsaults Edge, affecting Kane's match with Christian...well, not in the slightest. I guess I was the only guy on the Internet NOT to notice that he Morrus landed on him, but thanks to the WWF Rewind, I can notice it now! How does Vince feel about a WCW superstar appearing in this segment, I wonder.

Wow, NASCAR at Sears Point NEXT week!

WWF Shop Zone spot



One more look at the exterior of the Richmond Colesium

Here's a Special Video Look at the Rock's appearance at the MTV Movie Awards - along with several celebrities' impressions of the Rock. I notice that practically ALL of these people made it to E!'s "Fashion Victim" report - damn, they didn't talk to Li'l Kim? I mean, it IS after 10 and all...

KING OF THE RING QUALIFYING MATCH: SUPERSTAR PERRY SATURN (with Dean Malenko & Nipples & Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) v. MR. PARTY TIME (with Trish Stratus - the fitness model - and the logo) - Saturn seems more interested in locking it up with referee "Blind" Jack Doan than his opponent - Blackman watches this chase with confusion - Saturn sneaks in a schoolboy for 2. Blackman with a clothesline. Into the corner, dropkick to the back by Blackman. Second "WWF Live" crawl (I forgot to mention the first one - oh well - most of you wish I'd forgotten this one as well, har har). Right by Blackman, right, into the ropes, Saturn reverses into a knee in the gut. Into the ropes, clothesline. Swinging neckbreaker. 1, 2, no. Knife-edge chop, chop, Blackman chops back, knee by Saturn, Northern Lights suplex gets 2. Into the ropes, Blackman with a kick as Saturn's head is down. Saturn tries a clothesline - ducked - Blackman with another chop. Back kick. Into the ropes, spinebuster. Terri on the apron, Doan dutifully over to pay attention to her. Blackman tries to get Doan back to the match as Stratus starts the chase on the outside - Terri hides behind Malenko. Saturn takes advantage of a distracted Blackman, ducking the Lethal Kick, hooking the clothesline and hitting a crucifix for 2. Gutshot by Blackman, into the ropes, Blackman with the press, drop and chop. Drops down for a splits uppercut. Blackman does a brief martial arts display with the air, then informs the crowd that "IT'S PARTY TIME!" Belly-to-belly suplex lands. Malenko on the apron - Balckman tries to give HIM a swing, but Malenko gets away. Saturn with a hot shot, into the moss-covered, three handled family gredunza (Ross: "Fisherman suplex" - it wasn't) - that's his move! 1, 2, 3! (2:03) Stratus in the ring to get some of Terri afterwards. CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT! Malenko is ready to break it up with Blackman's kendo stick, but Blackman reclaims his penis, then gives Saturn a big whack in the noggin for good measure. Ohhhh that's not gonna help him

When we come back, Debra tries to calm her frazzled husband...with a carrot. Austin doesn't remove his hands from his face when he says "I don't want a carrot." "Okay, I'll put it back. All right - you know how you love broccoli, you want a--" Austin removes his hands from his face. "I DON'T WANT NO BROCCOLI! I don't want carrots or broccoli - what I want, Debra - LOOK AT ME - what I want is to not to go to King of the Ring and face Chris Benoit and Chris Jericho in a Triple Threat match. I don't deserve that! What's my name? Stone Cold Steve Austin, and you know what? You wanna offer me wanna give me...huh? Huh?" Austin goes Cookie Monster on the veggie platter...then throws it into the wall. And off he walks.

Meanwhile, Hardcore and Crash limber up. Here comes Molly. "Look, guys - please don't hurt Spike tonight. You don't know how I feel about him!" Hardcore: "How you FEEL about him? You're just a little girl, you don't know WHAT you feel!" Crash: "Yeah - what you know? You're just a little girl!" "Yes I do know how I feel - Spike is nice and intelligent and tough!" Crash: "Tough - we'll see how tough he is." "Please don't hurt him on account of me!" Hardcore: "Look, the only way your little geeky boyfriend's gonna if you beat him. You pin him in the rin 1, 2, 3." They yuk it up. Crash: "Come on, Mol - we're next."

Meanwhile, Regal surveys his wreckage. "(sigh) Mrs. Thatcher gave me this. And look at my knob, it's completely useless!" Terri and Dean enter. Regal's eyes go straight to Terri's headlights - she tries to direct him to her eyes. "Commissioner...hi, I need to ask you a very big favour. Well, I don't know if you'd paid attention lately but Perry has taken quite a few shots to the head, and because of that, quite frankly....well...." "He's NUTS!" "Yes." "He's totally out of his mind!" "And because of that, we need to ask that you PLEASE give us SmackDown! off. That would give Perry a little break, Dean has a date set up, we could do a little double thing maybe, and maybe take a little pressure off of Perry." Regal says fine. Here comes Saturn. "British people fight dragons so they don't get all firey." "Yes, I - I suppose they do - thank you." "You're welcome." "No, thank you." "You're welcome." "Perry, we need to get your head checked." "You're welcome!" "Oh God..." Malenko: "This is what I have to live with."



"Tough Enough" ad

THOSE (THREE) DAMN DUDLEYZ (with RAW is WAR is brought to you by Stacker 2, Castrol motor oily, and Universal Pictures' "The Fast and the Furious" - check out the sweepstakes at!) v. MOLLY HOLLY & CRASH HAS NO LAST NAME & KOOL JAY PEE - They demand that Spike start - Crash awaits. Knee, scoop slam, tag out to Molly. Molly tries to help up Spike, who rares back - then sees it's Molly and stops. They don't want to lock up, while the four men on the apron all scream at them. Finally, Hardcore reaches over and pulls Spike down by his hair. Molly expresses concern, then backs too close to her corner, and Hardcore tags himself in. Kick, kick, head to the buckle, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, right, right, right, right. Double underhook slam. Stomp. Tag to Crash. Scoop...and a slam. Crash going up top - but Spike crotches him. Spike crawls towards his corner - strangely, both brothers are reaching out - and D-Von is even encouraging some rhythmic clapping - tag to D-Von! Ducks a swing, right, right, right, into the ropes, jumpin' back elbow, powerslam, 1, 2, Hardcore breaks it up - here comes Bubba Ray on HIM. D-Von tosses Crash through the rope. Whip (crowd chants "3D" - ha), Hardcore reverses, but Bubba Ray pulls him into a scoop slam - that can only mean it's time for "What Are You Doing?" Bubba Ray shoves Crash off the apron again, stares at Molly while D-Von does the Testify Dance, then snaps to and asks D-Von to ... do something or other. Both men outside to set up the table (which, Herb Kunze, will remind you, is the most over man in this match - and he'd be right). Bubba Ray has a hold of Molly - no, she's free. D-Von bac in the ring - Crash on him - whip is reversed - oh now THERE'S that 3D. (Dudley Death Drop) D-Von covers - 1, 2, 3. You know, I think both men were even legal! (3:56) Hardcore in post-match with a double clothesline - surprisingly, Bubba Ray doesn't go unconscious from the steel plate in Holly's left arm. D-Von gets the whip spinebuster. Hardcore to the apron to lay rights into Bubba Ray - Bubba Ray fighting back with lefts - both men with rights - both men falling off the apron through the table! That's five men down and Molly on the apron looking concerned - but comes Spike back into the ring, to his feet - smiles around - grabbing hands - HIYO! Ross: "Just like Brad Pitt and what's her name!" Wait, so Ross remembers the name of the GUY? Quick, take me to the break

As the ominous "Theme from Cage Lowering" plays....(duh) the cage slowly lowers

To kill time while that's being set up, here's a Special Video Look at Triple H's rehabilitation. He's ready for the pain. Kevin Wilk talks a bit about what it takes to come back, and that Triple H is ready to put in that hard work to come back. "If it takes me six months, I'll take six...but if I can be back and be 100% in three, I'll be back. And when I do come back, I will be the best, one more time. And uh, there's a lot of people out there that will talk trash while I'm gone - a lot of people will run their mouth when I'm gone, but when I come's all gonna change."

Commentators tell us they miss him

It's WWF New York!

TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST is inside. He sneaks in a Stephanie barb (more time lying down than standing up), then congratulates Shane on his "Olympic Slam" - oops, he didn't get the memo about having to call it the Angleslam. As for WCW, if the rumours are true about what Shane's doing with it..."yeah. Test may want a piece of that action."



Earlier Tonight, Austin went from losing it to lost it - Linda, Mick, Regal, Vince, Jericho, Debra all interact with our champion

Another look at the cage, on the way to our last ad break

When we come back, believe it or not, the cage is STILL there. Earl Hebner climbs inside as we learn that pinfall, submission or escape will win this match...

MY NAME IS STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN makes his way to the commentary table, sets up his own chair and sits aside Heyman. Ross puts on his wounded puppy face as Austin takes third headset. "Don't you look at me like that, ya little bastard. You eyeballin' me? Don't you dare. I done whipped your ass once, you little sumbitch, don't think I won't do it rigyht here right now - BAM! You know that guy Tom Bodett, leaves the lights on for ya? Just the opposite - I'll turn your lights out. Do you understand me? That's right, that's what you call me 'yes, sir, no sir.'"

KING KURT ANGLE v. CHRIS BENOIT within the confines of the STEEL cage - "I hate it when those guys have their little sparklers and the explosions. ... You probably liked that Angleslam, didn'tya? You think he deserved that, huh? Huh LOOK AT ME HILLBILLY BOY! You're damn right it don't, I don't give a damn WHAT you like. Don't even look at me. No, look at me, you ain't gonna look at me when I'm talking to ya? You disrespecting me? Look at me, JR. I said look at me. That's right. Boy, I'll run right over you like a speedbump. Don't get nervous. Stop sweatin'." Dammit, is this guy the most awesome guy ever or what? Okay, here we go. Angle awaits Benoit through the cage door - big shoulder in the gut, to a waistlock - back up, knee - pulling Benoit into a belly-to-belly overhead suplex! Angle pulls him into ANOTHER belly-to-belly! "I HATE him! I hate that little snaggletooth bastard. Can I go on record saying that, Jim? Does that offend you?" Angle picks up Benoit, again trying to whip him and pull him back into the suplex, but this time Benoit grabs his arm and tries for the crossface! Angle rolls under to break the hold, runs at Benoit who AGAIN gets the arm, arm wringer counter by Angle, Benoit counters back - Angle runs Benoit into the wall of the cage to evade the threat. Wow, this "over the back" shot of the commentators brings back old-timey memories of the weekend syndies - remember that? Angle rams Benoit into the cage wall again. Stomp, stomp, stomp. Head to the buckle, right, right, kick, kick, kick, right, Benoit reverses positions - chop! Chop! Chop! Right! Right, chop, Euro elbow, whip is reversed, boot up by Benoit, chop, chop, ("I hate those knife-edge chops!") into the corner, but Angle grabs Benoit on the charge and uplifts him into the corner of the cage! Angle puts Benoit's back into the wall of the cage. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Head to the cage. Angle lifts Benoit up, but Benoit comes back with another chop. Chop! Chop! Gutshot, snap suplex - and holding on for a second snap suplex! Trying for a third, but Angle puts a knee in the gut. Knee, knee. Angle with a gutwrench suplex! Angle brings Benoit back up - ANOTHER gutwrench suplex! Ross wonders if Austin will have a match with Benoit after THIS match. "You sassin' me? It ain't none of your business - don't sass me! You lookin' at me through your stupid little glasses." Angle with a THIRD gutwrench suplex - man, he makes it look so easy. And now Angle climbs the wall of the cage - umm - THE DOOR IS RIGHT THERE - Benoit up from behind - Angle kicks him away - Benoit grabs again - Angle kicks again - Benoit climbing up after him - Angle rams his head into the top of the cage - three times - but Benoit STILL stands on the top rope - now directly behind Angle, and - holy shit - applying the waistlock - he's not gonna - three forearms in the back - trying again - six more forearms in the back - he's - HE DID - GERMAN SUPLEX FROM THE TOP ROPE! Ho-lee SHIT. "I hope they both stay down, I'm gettin' sick of it." Combos Double Feature of that suplex. DAMN. Both men are, Benoit is up! And now Benoit climbs up the corner (THE DOOR! IT'S *RIGHT THERE!*) as we take one more Combos Double Feature but Angle pops up after him, climbs up the corner, and shoves Benoit off. Angle with a Savage elbow.



Both men slowly up. Benoit with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, right, right, Angle rakes the face, into the ropes is reversed - Benoit sends Angle into the wall of the cage. Benoit throws him into the cage wall again. And now Benoit runs Angle into the wall one more time. Benoit with a stomp. Benoit climbing up the corner - but Angle is up from behind with the uppernut. Benoit falls back to the mat. OLYMPIC SLAM!! Does Angle try to pin him? Does Angle use the door? No, he's climbing up the corner again. "Pin him! Angle's an idiot, why didn't he pin him? Olympic Slam, what the hell's he thinking?" Angle up atop the cage...FUCK! MOONSAULT FROM THE TOP OF THE CAGE! AND NOBODY HOME! "He had him right where he wanted with the Olympic Slam, he does a belly flop off the top of the cage - what a jackass!" Combos Double Feature of the missed moonsault. Benoit is back up - stomp. Into the ropes, knee in the midsection. Into the ropes, ANOTHER big knee buried in the gut. Again he tries to put Angle in the ropes, but Angle reverses...then sends Benoit into the cage wall. "I can't believe Angle's so damn stupid. Now he's getting smart again. STAY ON HIM, KURT. Jesus... STAY ON HIM!" Angle picks up Benoit...on the shoulder - javelin into the cyclone fencing. "Angle sux!" Angle puts him on his shoulder again - THIS time Benoit goes down the back, shoves Angle into the fence, and catches Angle with a German suplex (Crowd: "ONE!") - holding on for another ("TWO!") and holding on for the third ("THREE!") - Angle finally blocks the attempt, back elbow, back elbow, trying a clothesline but Benoit ducks and reclasps the waistlock - German suplex ("FOUR!"), holding on again for two ("FIVE!") and again ("SIX!") Benoit is up first, and heads for the door (well it's ABOUT TIME somebody did that) - Angle desperately lunging for him - Benoit lets him run into the door, then reapplies the waistlock - "SEVEN!" - "EIGHT!" - "NINE!" That's THREE triples by Benoit - wow. Benoit climbs the corner - he's gonna make it this time - no, wait, Austin is off headset, grabbing his chair - and swinging it on the cage! Another swing! Benoit perches on top - he should leap onto Austin, but I doubt that's gonna happen....instead, he looks back to Angle - and decides "well, if I did it on Thunder for NO viewers, I might as well bust it out for the overrun of the War Zone, too" - OH YEAH, SWANDIVE HEADBUTT FROM THE TOP OF THE CAGE!! Both men are down, and STAYING down, which allows us another set of Combos Double Features. Austin is screaming "Get your ass up!" but I don't think Angle is listening to him right now. It's been almost a minute since Benoit hit the headbutt - only NOW is he stirring - Austin runs over and shoves doorminder Teddy Long into the barricade, then grabs the door himself. Benoit wants out but Austin stands in the way - Benoit *dropkicks* the door into Austin! Benoit crawling out...but Angle is over - ANGLELOCK!! Benoit has the bottom rope but this it's no DQ in the cage - will Benoit tap? Benoit pushes himself up, turns around - enzuigiri!! Again Benoit slowly crawls to the door...but Austin slams the door! Apparently, the ringing sound was really close to his ears, because Benoit falls backwards to the mat. Angle, head in the clouds, looks to the door and sees he decides to climb the opposite wall - he's up - on top - legs over - and drops down for the win. (14:30) Psst, let me tell you a secret. I think we have a ready-made #1 Contender just in case Benoit wins the title. Austin grabs his chair and comes into the cage - WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! Point of the cahir in the sternum - THIRTEEN times! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! Again with the point of the chair - again - WHACK! And a stomp for good measure. Austin's music plays - Austin grabs his belt - and heads up the ramp....and stops at the top to look back at his handiwork. Benoit is out cold. Austin paces across the stage - then starts back down...and stops halfway. Benoit STILL hasn't managed to get up from the beating...Austin's expression is vacant. War Zone credits are up, WWF logo, it's 11:11 and we are outta here!

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