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MAD PROPS & BLATANT PLUG: Once again, a HUGE "thanks" goes out to Victor over at for continuing to keep me current by sharing his knowledge of all things musical. If you're a mobile DJ, you GOTTA go check out

QUICK QUOTE: WWF 11.61 (- 1.28, last year: 20 3/4)


TONIGHT: Have you heard? Shane McMahon takes on the Rock in a Street Fight! And if you're the Rock, can you think of a BETTER match to make your return to competition on WWF televison? Well....I guess it depends on your definition of "better"

TV-14-DLV - CC - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

Let Us Take You Back - Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK to the show opening montage of clips!

TONIGHT: The Rock! Shane McMahon! Street Fight! So important we HAD to show the graphic one more time before the

Opening Credits

WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: KANE v. ROB VAN DAM - Q: How can you tell the WWF stock price is at a 52-week low? A: Costs cut by using Kane's entrance in lieu of show opening pyro. WE ARE LIVE from the Arrowhead Pond of Anaheim, CA (also at WWF New York) 6.8.1 and no time to waste - this show is Transmitido en Espanol SAP on the National Network and the Sports Network. HEY HEY the champ enters SECOND! Van Dam scales the turnbuckles to hit the Pose - so Kane shoves him in the back, putting him over the ropes to the floor - I will NEVER get tired of people hitting van Dam in mid pose. Rob, meet the STEEL steps. Steps, meet Rob. Right hand from Kane. Into the barricade back first. Kane wants the powerbomb on the floor (!) but van Dam manages to land on his feet - still, he runs into the big boot and goes over the barrier. Kane over, van Dam back to the floor. Kane climbing to come back - van Dam manages a leg sweep to run Kane's jaw into the barricade. Right, onto the apron for a spinning guillotine legdrop that barely makes it, but does - 1, 2, no. Chef Boyardee is impressed enough to order a Double Feature. van Dam puts a chair in the ring - Kane is back up with a clothesline. Kane presses van Dam over the second rope and back into the ring. Kane with half a set of steps - tossed into the ring. Kane back in. Got the steps....but van Dam hits a drop toehold and Kane runs his own face into the steps. van Dam with the chair - dropkick to the chair, to Kane's face! Paging Boyardee, Chef Boyardee, your Double Feature is waiting. 1, 2, nope. Kick, kick, right, into the ropes is reversed, but Kane's head is down so van Dam kicks him. van Dam going for a side kick off the ropes but Kane catches the leg, gets him on the shoulder, and powerslams him down. Kane shoves the steps outside, and climbs up from the apron. There's the "flying" clothesline...for 2. Vertical suplex coming up - van Dam breaks free and kicks Kane in the nuts. Trying to swing the chair but Kane blocks it - double choke - van Dam put in the corner, meanwhile DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE has come out and HE has the chair. van Dam gets the boots up - springs to the top - Kane with the choke - Page with the chair in the back - and the chair to the head. Page places the chair on Kane for van Dam's Fivestar frog splash - well - 1, 2, 3. (4:00) Kane shakes it off, but not before Page has hightailed it through the crowd. Yes, van Dam just pinned Kane.


Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! to catch you up on the exciting saga of Mr. & Mrs. Austin - "it all started over cookies." You know, EVERY time Austin takes the mic from Debra, I laugh. I just can't help it. Austin IS a man's man!

Earlier Tonight...hmmm, I guess they've made up - they're together and they're - YES - WALKING!

Earlier Today, the all-seeing cameras of the WWF caught up with Booker T at Paramount person to audition for a movie. The woman with the forms busts out "It doesn't MATTER what your name is" and they've already lost me. Anyway, T is here to prove he's a bigger star than the Rock - and proclaims acting "overrated." "I'm the Bookerman - I am the Bookerman!" "I'm sorry - did you say you were the Boogerman? I don't think I saw that one...was that a foreign film?" "Just give me the damn forms." YEESH

Oops, somebody missed their cue, as we come back to a silent arena - see, the CROWD thought that was *hilarious* too - look at 'em holding their sides! They're BUSTING GUTS LAUGHING, I TELL YA!

Oh man, even better - STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT has been married to Drowning Pool for a brand new prolonged agony-- I mean entrance. Paul Heyman proclaims "Sinner" the "hottest album today." And if you can't trust a fat, bald, white dude who lives with his parents to tell you what's cool, who CAN you trust? Later tonight, Shane and the Rock! "That's right - at SummerSlam, the bodies of the World Wrestling Federation are gonna HIT THE FLOOR!" That's it, I'm outta here. "Kurt Angle's body is gonna hit the floor when Stone Cold Steve Austin (the WWF Champion) proves once again that he is the greatest superstar in ALL of sports entertainment history! And you know who else's body is gonna hit the floor? The Rock's. That is, if your beloved Rocky has the guts to accept Booker T's challenge. You see, Rocky is afraid of the WCW Champion (Booker T). Rocky is afraid of the Alliance. ["Rock E!"] And your beloved Rocky is afraid to face my brother (Shane McMahon) in a Street Fight here tonight! Really, you gotta think about it! Rock has been gone for four long, LONG months. I mean, it's been that long since Rock has competed In This Very Ring. It's only natural for Rock to doubt his ability...while my brother (Shane McMahon) has proved that he has MORE than the ability to defeat Rock in a Street Fight. Shane has defeated the seven foot, 500 pound Big Show in a Last Man Standing match. Shane has stood *toe to toe* with the Olympic Gold Medalist. Shane McMahon, my brother has had some of the most hellacious matches that the WWF has to offer. As a matter of fact, there is only one word that accurately describes my brother (Shane). Shane is a GLADIATOR! Shane is a gladiator in every sense of the word - it doesn't matter what the odds...Shane McMahon always comes out on top! Shane--" And here's the Y2J countdown, about five minutes too late. I wonder what Mike Awesome thinks of that Gladiator stuff? If Shane were to star in a movie, would it be a gladiator movie? Does Shane like gladiator movies? How many more questions can I sneak in before CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO starts speaking? One more? Yes. "Stephanie, don't sell yourself short. I mean, Shane may always end up on top, but you always end up on the bottom....on the side, upside down, bent over...I mean for you, a SummerSlam is a quickie on a hot August night! And when your body hits the floor, it's usually naked with a paying customer!" Stephanie pretends to react. "You are pretty funny, I mean, you amuse me. Jericho, you're - you're catty!" "Slut!" I with Stephanie amused ME. "Your comments are catty. You remind me of a GIRL. And you see, Jericho, it's always your mouth that's getting you in trouble, because any time you have *ever* insulted me, YOU are the one who pays. YOU are the one who winds up with your body hitting the floor, and I can remember numerous occasions where my husband (Triple H) beat you like the blonde (beep) you are!" "Well Stephanie, nobody knows more about (beep)s than you - and as far as your husband goes, he's been gone for such a long time, and I KNOW how LONELY you must be. I mean, I know that you've been forced to form a private Alliance of your own with three-quarters of the superstars in that locker room...and the lighting crew, and the camera crew, and the sound technicians, and the stagehands, and the prop guys, and the merchandise sellers, and the popcorn vendor in the fifteenth row - congratultions, Louie! As a matter of fact, I think you've been with every single human being in BOTH companies. As a matter of fact, you might have been with every single human being on the planet earth. So that's why I've gone out of my way to try and set you up with a species from another planet. I'm gonna try and set you up with members of the Planet of the Apes!" Here come TWO GUYS IN PLANET OF THE APES COSTUMES to Kamala's old theme (insert your own racist accusations about Kamala and apes here). One carries a bouquet of flowers; the other, a gift box. "What do you think? Citizens of the Planet of the Apes! Allow me to introduce you to the queen of the Planet of the filthy, dirty, disgusting, brutal, bottom-feeding, trashbag hooooooooos. And I know, I know they're not as hairy or as smelly as to what you're used to - but they've got class, they've got panache, they've come bearing gifts, Stephanie. Look, a beautiful bouquet of flowers, and a...ooh, well Stephanie let's just say the Alliance may not have the Rock, but you can still have the pie." And Jericho removes a creme pie from the box and gives us the pie take. Play his music! Jericho scales a corner and beats his chest in apelike fashion. The "apes" jump up and down. Stephanie "acts." Replay from two different angles. I'm sure that this shot of Stephanie covered in pie is supposed to be reminiscient of THE EXTREME CUMSHOT OF THE CENTURY since everybody's all IN LUV with Stephanie and all, and it'll probably go over big with the 14's and 15's, but me - I could have done without this entire bit.

I mean, for crying out loud, they spent ELEVEN MINUTES building to...a pie take. Wow, think of the possibilities of the EXCITING WRESTLING MATCHES this sets up! Stephanie vs. an ape! It could very well *headline Unforgiven!*

Backstage, Lita prepares some coffee. Debra comes by - big hugs. "I wanna tell you how impressed I was with you last Thursday night on SmackDown! - I mean, Stone Cold Steve Austin was not having it, and POW, from outta nowhere right over the head." "It felt good." "I bet it did, I mean I know it's probably hard sometimes living with a man like Stone Cold." "What is that supposed to mean?" "Nothing..." "I mean, what is that supposed to mean?" "Deb, you know I don't mean anything by that, I just mean...sometimes you guys just seem like complete opposites, I mean you're so sweet and nice, always going out of your way for people, and...just sometimes he doesn't always appear to be the consummate gentleman, you know?" "You know, why don't you - thanks for the comments, Lita, but why don't you just finish your coffee, and I'll - I'll just talk to you later?" "Okay. Seeya." And off walks Debra...

UP NEXT: Jacqueline takes on Stacy Keibler & Torrie Wilson - it's a handicap match, and it's NEXT!

Tough Enough ad - the Hardyz and Lita guest!

See the WWF Live! Tix on sale Saturday for Toronto, San Antonio, Houston, Lexington, Bowling Green, Nashville, Memphis, Reading, and Winnipeg!

To the commissioner's office: "I mean, it's unbelievable - 101, she is today, the queen mother, 101. I bet by now she'll have half a bottle of vodka down her neck, stand on the table, swingin'er knickers over her head, doing a jig, having a whale of a time. Yes, come in. Ah X-Pac young man, what can I do for you?" "What can you do for me? How 'bout some competition, man? Since I won the WCW cruiserweight title, I've yet to be on RAW or SmackDown! Plus I'm the light heavyweight champ - you know, I'm one of the best wrestlers in the world. I should be in main events, man. What's the deal?" Tajiri says something in Japanese - Tajiri and Regal laugh. "What'd you say? Hey - HEY - speak English, what'd you say? What'd he say, man? How 'bout you tell me what he said? Spit it out." "Well, actually, he said the reason you haven't been on RAW and SmackDown! is because...well...X-Pac sucks." "X-Pac sucks, huh?" "Ah." "You think I suck?" "Ah." "Well how 'bout we forget all this Alliance competition, punk. And tonight on RAW, I'll teach you a lesson on who sucks. Huh?" "Yes, you can have your match." "Fine. X-Pac sucks - YOU suck."

STACY KEIBLER (with Let Us Take You Back to Last Week's Heat) and TORRIE SAMUDA v. JACQUELINE - Stacy comes out to something that sounds like the theme to every Bowflex commercial you've ever been subjected to. Man, them's some UGLY shoes to wrestling in. Torrie, as usual, comes out to her bass-only theme that's practically sub-audible. Coming up, Shane McMahon takes on the Rock in a Street Fight LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR and so on. Now, NOTHING can be served by me actually attempting to CALL this match, but here we go. Jackie hits the ring - forearm for Wilson, one for Keibler, Torrie from behind to take Jackie down, doubleteam stomping. Stacy whips her into a Torrie clothesline. Doubleteam stomping. Whipped into the corner, doubleteam kicks. They stop to high ten - that's all Jacqueline needs to instantly recover and turn it around. Forearm for you, one for you, Torrie in the corner, forearm, side kick, side kick, climbs the rope for a Super Kwang - back to Stacy - Jackie catches the kick, but Stacy winds up for what may be the worst enzuigiri I've ever seen, catching Jackie about halfway down her back instead of near her head (Ross: "a nice enzoogoori") - 1, 2, no. Double into the ropes, Jackie ducks, double clothesline by Jacqueline. Scoop...and a slam for Keibler. Same for Wilson. Keibler is outside and running for a chair as Jackie works on a pin on Wilson...but referee "Blind" Chad Patton is occupied with Stacy AND while all THIS is going on, Ross is talking about IVORY come out to ringside - ah, we finally get a shot of her watching all this. Ivory in - oh GREAT - gutshot, DDT on Jackie, Torrie placed on top, Patton back around, 1, 2, 3. (1:39) Ivory in the ring....high tens all around! WOW SHE CAME BACK JUST IN TIME FOR THE SHOCKING SWERVE!! Ivory joins the Alliance - for some reason, my mind instantly flashes back to Brian Adams joining the NWO. THAT kind of IMPACT. Of course, people we haven't seen in ages suddenly reappearing, only to "turn" mere seconds later reminds me more of some OTHER booker.....gosh, who WAS that guy...

Back to a dressing room, to which I should more accurately refer as "the Sara shrine" - Page has added some monitors and a LOT more candles. Page is on his knees in worship - no, he's up. "I Sara. Oh, prints - they just ain't good enough for you, baby. Oh yeah...I Sara." And he assumes the crucifix "arms oustretched" pose.

Wow, this first forty minutes has been a real buzzkiller. It's like a glimpse through the window into the world of wrestling where everything SUCKS.

Kane eats Chef Boyardee Big Beefaroni! No, wait, he doesn't - he CAN'T eat with that MASK on!!

LOOK! It's WWF New York!

Inside is TERRI - Ross asks her how it feels to be dumped for a mop. "Well, you know..." Heyman interrupts her. "Wait, wait, Terri - can you really be SURPRISED that you got dumped for a mop? I mean, honestly - don't you realise that the mop had more personality than you? That the mop had more charisma than you? That the mop had more chemistry with Perry than you? I mean, let's be honest about it, Terri - the mop doesn't require a half hour of makeup, three hours in the makeup chair with a hairdresser, doesn't require nine grand of plastic surgery every week, I mean can you honestly believe that you ever had a chance against a mop? Get lost - take a hike - leave - vaminos - dosvidanya - get off the stage!" Terri runs off in tears. Ross says...NUTHIN

Meanwhile, in the Room of Fun, Debra is fuming about her ealier encounter with Lita. She tells Steve that Lita thought it was REAL funny when she knocked his head off with the cooky tray. Then she said she couldn't believe someone like her would marry someone like Steve. Also, "you know, he's nothin' but trailer trash." And you know what that means...if he's trailer trash, and she married him, what that makes HER. And then the topper: "she said that her boyfriend (Matt Hardy) could beat your butt any day of the week." Austin pops up - NOW he's pissed off. He storms off. LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR

Earlier Today, and man you and I are LUCKY that they let the WWF cameras film this, we are back at the studios. "Does that say what I think it does?" "That's what it says." "Hey! Are you the director? I'm Booker T - five-time WCW Champion, and I'm here to audition for your movie." "Right, I'm Rob Schroder, the director of the film." "I knew that!" "Um, quick question, Booker T." "Question." "It says here under Formal Acting Experience, you wrote 'None, but how much damn experience did the Rock have when he made that dumbass mummy movie?'" "Yeah, that's right, what's the problem with that?" "Okay, listen do realise this story is about an eighteenth century British aristocrat...who discovers his true love...after being given a magic locket." "Yeah. I'm down with that. 'course I knew that! I will BE - lemme see that - (accent) LORD JOHNSTON CHATTERBURY THE THIRD. How you like that? This part is MINE, man!"

When we return, it's to the commissioner's office once again! Stephanie barges in, flanked by the Dudley Boyz. "Oh hello - it's my favourite dessert, banana tart." "That's not funny, Regal - my whole outfit is ruined - my my makeup is messed up, my hair is a mess - Chris Jericho better PAY tonight!" Bubba Ray: "This is ridiculous. You let apes go by the ring? What's gonna be next? Lions, tigers and bears?" Regal (and the crowd): "(the expected response)" D-Von: "Look, we want Chris Jericho tonight. He needs to be taught a lesson after what he did to Stephanie! He needs to be put in a HANDICAP match!" "Are you mad, man, I can't sanction a match like that!" "Why not?" "All right, fine. If you won't put Jericho in a handicap match, let Jericho choose anybody he wants from the WWF to face the Dudleysz - anybody, and the Dudleyz are gonna make Jericho pay!" "Okay, you can have your match, as long as Chris Jericho can have a partner of his choice." "Fine!" "The door is there." "Thanks!" "The door is there." They walk out... and Regal imitates an ape. LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR

And now, the FRAM SLAM of the Week! Brought to you by FRAM! From RAW last week, X-Pac wins the WCW cruiserweight championship...and we never see Billy Kidman again

WWF LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: TAJIRI v. X-PAC - 'Pac comes out to his DX-derivative theme instead of the Ynkle Krakker, so I guess the concept of "X Factor" is Gone for Goode. Hmm, haven't seen Albert around lately, either... Strangely enough, the official for this match is Charles Robinson, despite the fact that there's no Alliance folks in this match that I'm aware of, and only the WWF belt is on the line. So Robinson would be there because..........yeah. It's just that kind of NIGHT, folks. Lockup, side headlock by X-Pac, chain wrestling to an armbar - Tajiri somersaults out and reverses to a hammerlock - X-Pac with a high side headlock takeover. Tajiri off the ropes - armdrag. X-Pac with an armdrag. They both nip up simultaneously. Tajiri tries to get the fans to applaud the athleticism...and almost succeeds! Kick by X-Pac, right, side headlock, Tajiri powers out, shoulderblock by X-Pac. Running the ropes, up and over - Tajiri tries a hiptoss but no go - X-Pac with an open-handed slap, Tajiri IMMEDIATELY follows with a kick in the face, putting him down. X-Pac into the ropes, reversal, head down, kick by Tajiri - spin kick ducked, X-Pac LANDS a spin kick. In the corner - stomp, stomp - broncobuster connects. X-Pac on the second rope to pose - Tajiri rises up and powerbombs him down! Both men down...but only for about two seconds, because light heavyweights recover quickly (I guess). Tajiri ducks a clothesline - back kick connects on the jaw. Into the ropes, reversed, Tajiri with the handspring elbow off the ropes. Into the corner, boot up by X-Pac - whip into the opposite corner - Tajiri up as he comes in - tarantula! Tajiri forced to break it - X-Pac shoves him off the apron. X-Pac to the corner - off with a springboard plancha that doesn't land anywhere near him, but we get a favourable quick cut before anybody can notice. Tajiri put into the steps. Right, kick, X-Pac and Robinson having a chat about the rules - Tajiri rolled back in. X-Pac going up top - Tajiri punches a leg out from under him, crotching him on top. Tajiri up top to meet him - going for a Frankenstiner but X-Pac throws a right to the body, (did he just feed him a capsule?), Tajiri with a right, backflips off the buckle, landing on his feet - X-Pac dives - GREEN MIST! - KICK - leg hooked - 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new light heavyweight champion. (3:07) Have a replay of the mist...and the kick.

Backstage, Matt and Lita chat - Austin barges in. "Oh, there ya are. I hope you're happy with yourself, Lita. Yeah, Debra told me every word you said. No. She said you called me trailer park trash. That's what you called me. And then you said that Debra didn't deserve to marry a person like Stone Cold. What the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Steve...I didn't say that--" "SHUT UP!" Matt: "HEY! Hey hey - talk to me - you don't tell her to shut up. I don't know what you're talkin' about but it doesn't sounds right." "Are you callin' my wife (Debra) a liar, you little (beep)?" "No, but...I'm sure Lita didn't say that." "No yeah yeah yeah, she did say that. And I'll tell you what else she said. Since you can kick my ass, Matt Hardy - since you can kick my ass, according to Lita, I'll see your ass out there in the ring tonight! And I'm gon' give you an ass whupping that you deserve. That's right, you ain't gonna talk trash about Stone Cold Steve Austin - neither one of you - and I'll tell you what. You go ahead and bring your stupid little girlfriend with ya - 'cause I'll whip her ass, too. Ain't nobody gonna run down the name of Stone Cold Steve Austin here!"


Earlier Today, we return to Paramount. "Check this out, man. You gon' like this. I been working on it. (accent) Hark. 'tis this locket will secure my love so true. Camera pans as Chatterbury takes the locket and enters the castle. I trust this--" "Ahh, Booker. Those are stage directions, you're not supposed to read this." "What are you sayin', man - I'm too stupid to get this? I'm too stupid to play this part? You calling me dumb or something, man?" "No, no one's saying that. Lisa, can you come in here? Booker, this is Lisa - she'll be playing the part of Lady Bianca." "What up." "Why don't we take it from the next scene." "Five time WCW champion - witcher fine self. Let's do this." "Oh, Lord Chatterbury. This night has been so enchanting. I trust you brought my locket." "(breaks character) Yeah I brough'cho locket, sucka!" "Uhh....did you just call her 'sucka?'" "Yeah - it's called improvisation, don't you know anything, man?" "My mistake, Booker T." "Oh - oh my - Booker T?" "Yeah. Five-time WCW champ." "Are you related to Mr. T?" T calls over the director. "I want her ass FIRED."

I wonder if this is how New Jack's auditions usually went. "You could play Denzel's FRIEND!"

THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ (with RAW Credits & Transmitido En Espanol SAP & TV-14-DLV & CC & RAW is WAR is brouguht to you by Corn Nuts, FRAM!, and Twix, & GOLLY this is a long, long, long ass parenthetical) v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO & ? - Shane and the Rock in a Street Fight tonight! Ross also sneaks in that Austin will meet Matt Hardy because he's IN LUV with Austin. A hush falls over the crowd. Is Spike back? Nope - the partner is KURT ANGLE. Angle and Jericho hit the ring and it's on - Pier Four to start - Jericho tosses Bubba Ray and follows - Angle with rights on D-Von, into the ropes is reversed, Angle ducks the clothesline and hits a crossbody. Right, into the ropes is reversed, and Dudley lands his jumpin' back elbow. D-Von grabbing Angle...but Angle grabs a leg - Angle going for the anklelock already! Bubba Ray in to break it - Angle meets him with a right, right, Dudley ducks and the Dudleyz combine on a double neckbreaker. Bubba Ray stays in as D-Von sells the hurt leg. Knife-edge chop. Right. Kick. Elbowdrop to the back. Another elbowdrop. Head to the buckle. Open-handed slap. Tag to D-Von, right. Right by D-Von, kick, scoop...and a slam. Elbowdrop. Is that a "USA" chant? 1, 2, Angle kicks out. Tag to Bubba Ray - open shot. Into the ropes, Angle ducks the swing and busts out a German suplex! Both men are down...tag to D-Von - HOT TAG TO JERICHO! It would probably be wrong of me to complain about a "heat segment" clocking in an under a minute and a half, but I'm ON A ROLL tonight, BABY. Backbody drop for D-Von - off the ropes with a shoulderblock - flying jalapeno - springboard dropkick for Bubba Ray on the apron (LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR) - Angle around the floor to meet HIM - Jericho ducks a swing from D-Von, gutshot, into the corner, bulldog out. You'd think he'd go for the Lionsault here, but no - instead, Jericho picks up D-Von, gives him a snap suplex and THEN hits the Lionsault. Outside, Bubba Ray reverses a whip by Angle, and Angle sails into the STEEL steps, leaving Bubba Ray alone with JUST enough time to pull out referee "Blind" Mike Chioda before his hand can come down the third time (OHHHHHHH I get it). And now, a run-in - RHYNO THE MAN BEAST gives Jericho the GORE! GORE! GORE! - Chioda back in - 1, 2, JOHNNY ACE!! D-Von gets to stompin'. Right hand. Chef Boyardee brings the Double Feature of Rhyno's involvement. Meanwhile, Jericho get the Tree of Woe treatment in the Dudley corner - Bubba Ray in - kicking away on the exposed Jericho. Right hand. Tag. Scoop...and a slam. D-Von from the second rope - legdrop MISSES. Both men down - looks like THIS "heat segment" will ALSO go under ninety seconds. Tag to Bubba Ray - HOT TAG to Angle! Forearm shiver for Bubba Ray, clothesline, clothesline for D-Von, belly-to-belly suplex for Bubba Ray, German suplex for D-Von. Woooo! Jericho over to meet Bubba Ray on the floor - while they brawl, Angle is climbing to the top - moonsault that never works - HITS THE KNEES! Ohhh Angle's just gotta STOP with those. Jericho, meanwhile, meets the steps - Bubba Ray, suddenly free of obligations on the floor, comes back in - scoop...and a slam. D-Von going up to complete "What Are You Doing?" but JERICHO is back up - crotching D-Von on the corner...then shoving him to the floor. Meanwhile, Angle rolls out of the legspread - floats over - grabs and ankle - and cranks on it until Bubba Ray is forced to tap. That match needed about eighteen minutes but only got (5:05). Damn, Angle is bleeding AGAIN - I think probably from that moonsault landing.

TONIGHT: Have you heard? The Rock and Shane McMahon are in a Street Fight!


Hey hey it's the WWF Live - this week! Los Angeles! Uniondale! Rockford! And Chicago's RAW is SOLD OUT!

Moments Ago, the knees hit the abdomen, so he didn't get cut there at least...then Angle clamped on that anklelock and it was all over but for the (and Bubba Ray was doing a LOT of) shouting

Stone Cold Steve Austin is WALKING! And he's found Lita talking on her cel. "Were you LYING to someone on your stupid little cel phone now? Is that what you do?" "No." "It's lies like you told Debra that's gonna getcher little boyfriend's ass whupped tonight. Do I make myself clear?" "Look, look, Steve...I think it was just a--" "WHO?" "....Stone Cold." "That's right." "I think this was just a misunderstanding. When I was talking to Debra, I didn't mean anything from what I was saying to her. Look, this thing - it's just stupid, I--" "A misunderstanding?" "Yeah." "Stupid?" "Yeah." "Well, we'll see who looks stupid tonight, won't we." Then he lingers in his stare. Ross is quick to make sure that the slower among us manage to catch all the subtlety and nuance displayed by shouting "Man, Austin - what a bully - WHAT A BULLY!"

WWF INTERSTORMINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: CHRISTIAN (with Edge's music - and Edge's trophy) v. LANCE STORM - "Now I know I'm moments away from an intercontinental title match...but there's something I need to get off my chest first. So I'd like to ask Lance Storm to please come down here." And here he comes. "Lance, I know we've had our differences in the past, but your words last week...inspired me. Offbeat shenanigans MIGHT be fun, but first and foremost, I'm a Canadian. (boos) And from one Canadian to another, I'd like to ask you to take part in a special five second pose to show our Canadian solidarity - whaddaya say?" "Christian, it'd be an honour." There's a handshake. Storm assumes the position with Christian assuming an identical pose next to him - until EDGE hits the ring...and pantses Storm, revealing...well, I'm gonna assume those are some Power Rangers briefs. Storm pulls up his pants, tries a clothesline on Edge and misses, then bounces off the ropes to eat a Viscera kick from Christian. Referee "Blind" Nick Patrick is too busy throwing Edge out to actually get this match STARTED - Christian throwing all sorts of illegal punches from the mount. Edge finally goes to leave - Christian catches on and tries to argue the call with Patrick - opening him up for a forearm from behind from Storm, and now we're off. Since Nick Patrick is the ref, and since I'm in a generally protesting type of mood, I see no need to call this action until the inevitable screwjob, but I WILL note that Storm's dropkick almost lands ABOVE Christian's head so he definitely needs to watch that. Also, the Rock and Shane McMahon have a Street Fight later tonight. Oh, and Austin and Hardy - it's simply AMAZING how Ross manages to sneak that mention in. Screwjob arrives when Storm bridges back close enough to the corner to grab a rope in each hand - Patrick makes sure to look right at it before counting the 1, 2, 3 anyway. (4:00)

Outside the arena, Taker and Sara pull up on his Ride. Kane's there to meet them. "What's up, man, you seen Page yet?" "Yeah I seen Page. He cracked me in the head and cost me my match." "That boy's got a death wish, doesn't he?" "Well you need to thank me for waiting for you to get here and not beating his ass already, because you see I know exactly where he is." "Is that right." "Yeah, he's built some sort of...shrine to Sara - and it's even sicker than the last one. Check this out - it's right here in this building." "You know, this is gone on long enough, I think, you know? He wants to be famous, he wants to be Mr. Stalker. All right. Well I'll tell you what. Why don't you tell me where this shrine's at...and if you don't mind...if you would take Sara to the APA and have them boys watch her 'til we get back, I'll meet you at this shrine and we'll get a few things settled once and for all. That sound like a plan?" "That sounds like a plan." "I'm gon' beat that boy down." "Well leave a piece for me."

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In the dressing room, Kurt Angle barges in on " I know we haven't always seen eye to eye, and I don't like you - and I know that you don't like me, but the fact is--" "Whoa! Whoa. Why don't you like the Rock?" "Well, usually you're pretty mean to me. I mean, I remember this one time when you said you were gonna shove my Gold Medals straight up my--" "Whoawhoaahhhh - ehh - The most important thing is the Rock is back...let's let bygones be bygones - clean slate. And we can start by you telling the Rock exactly why you're in his locker room." "All right. Well, I know you have this match with Shane McMahon - a Street Fight, tonight. And I've had my own experience with Shane McMahon and Street Fights. And I have a little secret weapon that's gonna guarantee you a win tonight - something that I used against Shane McMahon, against every guy I've ever fought. Now, I don't know why I'm doing this - probably because you and I are on the same team, but here it goes..." And he produces a beer glass...about a third full of milk. "What in the blue hell is that?" "It's got calcium, it helps you build strong bones, and above's delicious." Rock clears his throat. "Let the Rock understand this, you come walkin' in the Rock's locker room - without knocking. And of all the things you could offer the Rock, first night back, RAW is WAR, LIVE in front of MILLIONS AND MILLIONS of Rock's fans - you offer the Rock a glass of milk?" "Well, yeah." "Well you know what the Rock is gonna do, Kurt, with that glass of milk? He's gonna take the glass of milk, he's gonna turn it sideways, and you know what the Rock is gonna do?" He shoots it. "(smack) That's some of the best damn milk the Rock has ever had!" "Oh I know, I've had it!" "The Rock appreciates that." "Hey, you're welcome." "Thank you. But uh, for furture references, Kurt...the next time you bring the Rock a glass of milk, and it's this delicious, bring the Rock some pie." Big smiles all around. "I gotcha. Oh, I got ya." "You got the Rock?" "Oh, I'll bring you a lotta milk...and I know this place that makes GREAT apple pie. I'm with ya, Rock - I'll bring it next time. It's true, I'll do it for you." Handshake. "Thanks anyway. Thanks for the milk." "Good luck!"

Meanwhile, Austin returns to Debra and relates what Lita'd just said to him - that Debra was so damn stupid, she couldn't understand what she'd said to her. "She said you were dumb, Debra. No, no, let me - if I'm, if I'm gonna quote her, she said you were country dumb, and it's like you just fell off the back of a turnip truck." Austin goes on to say that Lita started talking about how dark her roots were, and that the perfume he'd bought her wasn't even fit to put on a mule. "And you know what? It don't mean a damn thing to me because I took up for ya, I set her straight. I said that you wasn't that damn stupid and the perfume smelled great. And it's STUFF like that is the reason why I'm gonna whip Matt Hardy's ass right now." "Steve, wait for me, 'cause I wanna see this."

Meanwhile, Taker arrives at the shrine...only to find it devoid of people. Taker studies the scene...and takes special note of a wedding photo - with Page's head pasted on Taker's body. Then he does a little demolition work on the room. "Why you wanna mess with me? HUH?" We hear a laugh....and pull back to find a shadow - looks like Kanyon in the wig to me, but...Taker with a soupbone! Into the wall - yep - there's Page from behind - looks like he's got the ol' Lex Flexor as well - Taker gets repeatedly bashed with the weapon by Page, and Kanyon lays in some kicks...until Kane shows up - then they scatter. Kane checks on his brother. "DAMN! ..... he's done it."

Here's a look at the exterior of the Pond while Drowning Pool plays - by the way, Chef Boyardee proudly presents SummerSlam in two weeks!

MATT HARDY (with Lita) v. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN (with Mrs. Austin) in a nontitle match - Austin has yet another new piece of music...I guess we'll just change it weekly so as to keep the fans from having to be conflicted about reacting to it in a positive way. Hardy bum rushes Austin as soon as he parts the ropes - right, right, right, right, right, right, and down he goes! Austin rolls out and crumples to the floor. Then he pops up and walks it off. Austin demands referee "Blind" Tim White keep Hardy back so he can actually get in the ring this time. And now he's back in - lockup, side headlock by Austin, chain wrestling to the hammerlock, and a big forearm to the back of the head. Let's go again - side headlock by Austin, grinding it in - Hardy powers out, trying for a hiptoss off the ropes but Austin blocks - and counters with a nice fireman's carry takeover. Austin shooting looks to Hardy and Lita every chance he gets. He's SMILING at Hardy! A third lockup now - side headlock takeover by Hardy, Austin with the classic headscissors counter, everybody back up - side headlock takeover, headscissors counter, back up, Hardy pastes Austin with a right. Heyman complains about Hardy going to the cheap tactics because he's being outclassed in the pure wrestling - and he may have a point here. Austin stays down, almost surprised about the force of the punch...or maybe he's just suckering in Hardy, as he kicks him we Hardy advances. Head to the buckle - and again - make it eight heads to the buckle. Shoulderblock - another. Right to the abdomen - another right - right hand. Austin pulls him out, and grinds his kneebrace across Hardy's face. Second rope choke - Austin releases JUST before 5. Big kick in the ribs. Austin spreads the legs - and stomps on the abdomen. Hardy tires some body shots, but Austin rakes the face. Hardy into the ropes, head down, kick by Hardy - off the ropes but Austin lands a forearm shiver. 1, 2, Hardy's up. In the corner, kick, kick, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp standing on the neck - pushing away White - White almost gets to five, so Austin shoves him away again. White back over for a THIRD five count, and Austin AGAIN gives him a push before he can complet it. Ross wonders why White doesn't disqualify him - I'm gonna go out on a limb and say Austin is booked to win this match, that's why. Lita is up on the apron to protest - Debra pulls her off by the ankles. She doesn't take kindly to that...and the chase is on - Debra in the ring, Lita behind...Austin heading her off - KICK WHAM STUNNER!! Matt is up - gutshot, Twist of, Austin shoves Hardy into the ropes, and when he bounces back...KICK WHAM STUNNER. 1, 2, 3. Very effective match. (4:25) Austin takes care to show Lita his title belt. Replay of the Stunner on Lita...and the final sequence. Coming back live, Austin rolls out, grabs White and runs him into the barricade. Man, *everything* Austin does is awesome.


I've JUST figured it out! That dude with the metal detector Carrot Top is talking to in the 1-800-CAL-LATT ad...he's the same guy that probes Mr. T with his metal detector in that 1-800-COL-LECT ad!! IT ALL MAKES SENSE, NOW!!

And now, Corn Nuts: corn gone wrong presents the Hardcore Smack of the Night! From SmackDown!, Rock delivers a Rock Bottom to Taker, but Shane delivers a chair to the head to Rock - a bit of a preview of that big, big Street Fight that's gotta be imminent or so

Earlier Today, "My love for thee is pure and true, but alas I must depart. Farewell, Lord Chatterbury, farewell." "Lady Bianca - wait. I have something I must give you. Chatterbury reaches into his pocket and pulls out his locket. As the music swells, cameras zoom in on Bianca's reaction." " What the hell is wrong with this guy? This is like the fifth time he's done this." "Ahh, Booker? Booker? I don't think this is working out. Maybe this isn't the right project for you." "Right project? Lemme tell you something, man, this project sucks. This whole MOVIE sucks! I don't need this, man! I'm more talented than the Rock will EVER be." "Oh - wait a minute. Did you just say the Rock? Do you know him?" "I don't believe this - know him? Not only do I know him, I plan on taking his ass out at SummerSlam. Now can U dig that, baby?" "Wait, you're taking him to SummerSlam? Are you like his chauffer? Oh no, you're like his butler - this is the Rock's butler!" The director tries giving the cut sign while making the "yeesh" face but she doesn't notice. "She didn't say that. Tell me she did NOT just say that." "It's just because I'm a really big fan of his and I would LOVE his autograph, for me or my mom?" "This is it - look here - you people here don't recognise talent - to hell with all of you! I'm the Bookerman! The Bookerman! Now can U dig that?" " you know if the Rock can do an English accent?" "All right, that's it.'s go time." And he smacks the director one while his assistant scatters (and acts very poorly) - she and Lisa clench, yelling "Security!"

SHANE O. MAC v. AD BREAK - "So they say that I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth." "Rock E!" "Oh yeah, you're all about to witness the Rock, 'cause he's goin' DOWN! As I was saying, I kinda like the analogy that my sister used earlier...that I'm a gladiator. I'm feelin' that. Because for the last four months, I've been in Street Fights, I've been in Last Man Standing matches...hell, Rock, what have YOU been doing for the last four months, huh? What have you been doing for the last four months?" We pause for the reaction from the back - on the EntertainmentTron. "Shane McMahon...or should the Rock say Gladiator. Shane, the Rock says this: you might have been born with a silver spoon in your mouth, but tonight, you're goin' home with the Rock's black boot shoved right up your ass! If you smell...what the cookin'."

Mick Foley hosts "TNN's Robot Wars: Extreme Warriors" Mondays at 8, starting in two weeks! Hopefully it doesn't stray too far from "Robot Wars UK," which was pretty damn awesome AND had Craig Charles as a host to boot!

SummerSlam: Two Bodies Hit the Floor

SHANE O. MAC v. IF YA SMELLLLLLL - strangely, they take time out to remind us that we're "LIVE!" at this point - exactly how many new viewers were they banking on reaching with this matchup, I wonder? We've got about ten minutes of show time left. Shane swings his kendo stick...then makes the "Just Bring It" hand motion. Then - WHOOPS! - "accidentally" the stick slips out of his hand. Rock decides *this* would be a good time to come into the ring. Shane tries to figure out how he can grab the stick without getting punked out - then decides to just run at Rock...block, right, right, into the ropes, right. Into the corner, clothesline as Shane comes out. Shane tries to grab the stick - Rock clotheslines him out of the ring...and follows. Stomp. Rock dismantles the top of the commentary table and removes the monitors...but it took too long - Shane with a right, right, knee, knee, into the steps, kidney punch, another, whip into the reversed, and Shane goes up and over. Rock over the barricade - they go into the crowd, ensuring we see NOTHING - now they're actually going all the way upstairs...Shane trying to punch back - forearms in the back - and taking off again - Rock catches up - right! Shane with a forearm in the back - now tightroping across the edge of the luxury box at the top of the row - Rock decides to go through the curtains, walk the concourse and emerge in the entrance to the next section - Shane doesn't know this, and gets surprised from behind - right, right, into the wall, right - and Shane hurries back down the stairs. Rock with a nut punch. I think Paul referred to this bit as "an ECW specialty" like this is a GOOD thing. Back to the barricade - wow, that cameraman is just SHOVING people around - don't get in his way! Shane blocks, elbow, elbow, elbow, clothesline over the barricade. Shane climbs onto the barricade and jumps off with a clothesline. Chef Boyardee would like you to see it again in the Double Feature. Shane looking under the ring for plundah - garbage can found - garbage can to the head! They're heading up the ramp - another garbage can shot from Shane. I forgot to mention that Shane's jersey this time says "Layin' the 'Mac' Down" so I'll do that while I have a moment. There's another garbage can shot by McMahon. Shane takes another can (which was placed on the stage before this match began) and gets set to advance - but Rock is pulling himself up by the EntertainmentTron - and gets both boots to the trashcan, kicking it to Shane's face! Rock with the can - three quick shots to the back! Rock with ANOTHER garbage can...Shane trying to pull himself up - Rock decides to let Shane WEAR this garbage can, then he goes backstage, emerging with a chair - WHACK! Shane dutifully rolls (ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN') down the ramp to the ring. Another shot with the can. Rolled back into the ring, Rock takes to lids and plays cymbals with Shane's head inbetweenim. Rock ready to go again - but Shane busts out the uppernut. Shane with a lid - WHACK - WHACK. Shane finally gets his hands back on the kendo stick - WHACK! Man where's Steve Blackman when you need him - WHACK! WHACK! Shane starting his Ali shuffle Rock nips up - right, right, right, right, right, right, picks up a lid - NOW KISS THAT TRASHCAN LID! Shane over the ropes to the floor. Rock brings him back in the hard way - stands waiting - spinebuster! Before he can do the next most obvious thing, though, out comes NAPPY T...but Rock *ducks* the shot with the title belt, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, but Rock pulls him back - gutshot, DDT! Rock waits for Shane again - ROCK BOTTOM! 1, 2, 3! Alert the media: Shane actually jobs! (8:49) Rock wants to give it to T - but Shane holds his ankle, distracting Rock JUST long enough for T to land a reverse heel kick. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, Rock rolls out. Booker out after him - stomp. Kick. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner trying to keep him away but failing - kick, kick, kick, menacing move to chase Hebner off - poised with the title - TITLE TO THE HEAD! Stomp. T motions to Shane - kick, kick, kick, kick. T puts Rock on the commentary table and *again* motions to Shane - Shane climbs up to the top rope...oh, look, it's one of those "spots" again. Shane up top - SAVAGE ELBOW THROUGH THE TABLE! He may have even gotten the Rock as well. Booker T's music plays as he stands over Rock and Shane. Here's your replay - I STILL can't tell if Shane got any of the Rock with that. T trying to help up Shane...hmm, Hebner just whispered "kick the Rock some more" to him, I think, since now he's back to stomping on the Rock until the War Zone credits are up - WWF logo and we're out.

Remember, for the love of God - PLEASE - let the bodies hit the floor.

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