WWF RAW is WAR
REMINDER: If you're one of those people that routinely emails me AFTER big shows telling me how great your luxury box at the Arena was and you would have invited me BUT it didn't strike you until after the show ended, please feel free to actually send me your invite BEFORE the show.....or to continue to torture me by sending me a note Sunday night about how great it was and how you'd wished you'd thought to invite me earlier except you didn't read the RAW report where I put a big reminder at the top.
I was a lot more gung-ho about this show back in May for some reason. Maybe I slipped out of the demographic or somethin'.
QUICK QUOTE: WWF 12.05 (+ .44, last year: 19 7/16)
TONIGHT: This Sunday is SummerSlam, but wait - we're talking about tonight, and TONIGHT, it's a big WCW tag team title return match - in a STEEL CAG! Also, Austin and Angle will probably be skulking around - wait, we're spelling O'Haire's first name "Shawn" this week? Who's PROOFREADING these things?!
TV-14-DLV - CC - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
WOW LOOKIT ALL THE PYRO - we are LIVE and in good hands from the Allstate Arena in Chicago, IL (sign in crowd: SOSA .305) 13.8.1 and transmitido en espanol on the National Network and the Sports Network! There's some people in WWF New York as well...
TONIGHT: The WCW tag team titles are on the line in a STEEL CAGE return match!
The soulful sounds of Drowning Pool herald the arrival of MOST OF THE W/ECW ROSTER, who surround the ring - I don't see Booker T, but I *do* see the referees. And now, with a separate entrance of his own, out comes STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN and MAYBE they've finally settled on some music for the WWF (not the World Wildlife Fund) Champion. Austin in the ring and hitting the corners - crowd gives a healthy booing. "Under my leadership - under the leadership of Stone Cold Steve Austin - every man around this ring has a chance, at least has an opportunity to become as famous as Stone Cold Steve Austin. I can't promise that it'll happen, but at least they have the opportunity. Now ever since Stone Cold Steve Austin....ever since Stone Cold Steve Austin JOINED THE ALLIANCE, I've led by example. I believe that anybody can come out here and flap their gums - aww, big deal! I lead by example - that's why I didn't have to wait 'til this SUNDAY to go to SUMMERSLAM and beat the HELL...OUT of Kurt Angle, oh no I didn't. What I did was, startin' last Thursday, if you'll pull up a little footage on the big screen, this is leading by example. Thank you sir, may I have another. I, come on, yes sir, leg in the chair, OOH, EH EH. How does that feel Mr. Gold Medal Winner? Ohhh...'I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America.' Lookit you guys...look atchya. Flyin' the colours - ECW, WCW, ya make me so proud. You even got a Austin 3:16 shirt on. I LOVE it. But enough about Stone Cold Steve Austin - everybody KNOWS how great I am. I've led by example. I've shown you what I've done. Who now wants to become as famous as Stone Cold Steve Austin - to become a household name? Which one of you guys is gonna stand up - tonight? Hey, I damn near crippled Kurt Angle last week - I got him softened up. Who wants a piece o' Kurt Angle? Is it - who wants...who wants a piece of Kurt Angle - you wanna be the next famous guy? Guys...are you gonna follow my lead? I got the guy softened up! This is an opportunity! There's some... Step up, RVD! Yeah! YEAH! You get a chance to make a name for yourself - the King of Extreme - the King of Hardcore - tonight, yeah, tonight against the Gold Medal Winner, you get a chance to whip that man's ass! Thank you very much. RVD gets the shot. Lookit that. RVD - lookit that, you make me proud, you make me proud. Last Thursday, I gave a speech, I poured my heart, I poured my soul out to the future of our industry...some o' you guys responded. Some o' you guys responded very well. Thank you very much. I'd like to talk to DDP and Kanyon. Thank you, a round of applause for the NEW World Wrestling Federation tag team champs...DDP...and who better than Kanyon. Thank you, guys. Test, where are ya - stand up, ya big tall sonuvabitch. Hey! Test wasn't even here last week, but he was so inspired by the words of Stone Cold Steve Austin, that just take a look at the newest member of the Alliance, I give you Test. Thank you very much, Test. Where the hell's Rhyno? Rhyno? That's RIGHT. Ya mean little (beep). Lookit the man that gored Y2J, Chris Jericho straight to the depths of Hell. Take a look at a man who took advantage of a situation. But all good things must come to an end. There were certain individuals... ["Y2J!"] There were certain individuals who didn't respond accordingly to Stone Cold Steve Austin's words of wisdom, and it's because of this, it's because of this, because there has been a lack on some people to take the initiative that live on SmackDown! this Thursday night, I will be having the first ever Stone Cold Steve Austin Invitational, right here in the middle of this very ring - to teach the basics that some of you are lacking - to teach the fundamentals that some of you people are lacking - and speaking of lacking, I would like to call attention to Tazz...c'mon up, Tazz. I would like to call attention to Raven. I'd like to call attention to one Hugh Morrus. Where's Hugh Morrus? Come on in the ring, you guys get extra special attention. On, ah, before I get on with these three guys, I know you got the Austin 3:16 shirt on, but you ain't even had a stupid match yet! I seen you in the back, carryin' guys' water and coffee. 'Can I get you a water? Can I get you a coffee? Can I get you a protein bar?' Can I get you to grow a damn backbone and be somebody?" Dreamer hangs his head in shame. Thanks for coming out tonight, Tommy! "Lookityou guys, get over here. Wipe that look off your face. Look at me. Who whipped your ass last Thursday?" "I was in a--" "I didn't ask you to explain something, I said, 'who whipped your ass last Thursday?'" "Y2J." "That's right! Heh - look atcha. 'Y2J?' Lookatchya! You're 275 pounds - your name is Hugh Morrus. What? Your name is...Hugh Morrus. What? Is that funny? Is that humourous? Are you here to make me laugh? What? You're PATHETIC! LOOK AT ME! You're pathetic! Y2J whipped your ass. I'm ashamed of ya. Step back." Austin moves on. "Who whipped your ass...last week?" "Saturn." "Hehehe - okay. Here's a guy...who carries around a mop. It's - he carries a mop. What? As far as I'm concerned, you shoulda mopped the damn ring with that lunatic. He's got a sexual relationship with a stick, with a damn...mop on the end of it, and he whipped your ass? Am I correct? If I'm lying, you tell me I'm lying." "You're - you're correct." "I'm what?" "You're correct." "That's right, I am correct. WHAT ABOUT ME? WHAT ABOUT RAVEN? QUOTE THE RAVEN NEVERMORE. You want me to give ya a little speech? Do you want me too? You suck! Quote Stone Cold nevermore. You make me sick." Austin turns to the last man in the ring. "...which brings me to you. At least these guys went down fighting. At least these guys tried. At least these guys had the intestinal fortitude to FIGHT. But what did you do, Tazz?" Austin is fixing Tazz' collar in loving fashion. "Master of the suplex - what did you do? Huh what what what what did you do, Tazz? The Human Suplex Machine - you came from ECW. You know what, I could sit and chastise you here all night long, but a picture's worth a thousand words, so let's - let's see exactly what you did. There ya are, right there in the circle with your stupid orange shirt on - you got a headset on, your little glasses - that's the boss - that's the guy who signs your paycheques, THERE - BOOOOOOM! That man, part of the Alliance, just got - well he just got the smack laid down to him right there on the announce table. What? You're an announcer. What? Did you say something? Did you say somethin'? No you didn't say nothin' because you CAN'T say nothin'." Crowd has given up on this segment and is chanting "Rock E." "You're pathetic. You always talkin' about being such a badass, about - 'HE WAS...JUSTANOTHAVICTIM!' You let Shane McMahon just get crashed through a damn table and didn't lift one finger. Does that make you feel good, tough guy? Redhook, New Jersey, New York, wherever the hell you're from, does that make you feel good?" Austin removes his belt. "Tazz...we're gonna have a little come to Jesus meeting here...you've got to understand the position that you've put me in. These guys, these men, these superstars and future superstars that hope to be as famous as Stone Cold Steve Austin look up to me. What? I said they look up to me. So you'll understand that I have to whip you to make an example for these men. Take that stupid little 13 shirt off and take it like a man." Tazz stands fast. "Lemme talk a little slower so you understand me: TAKE - THAT - SHIRT - OFF SO I can whip...your ass." Austin belts him across the shoulder. Tazz steps back, feeling the sting. Crowd: "Ooh!" Tazz walks back to his previous position. "I think you hear me now, don'cha?" Austin casually swings the belt, punctuating his words. "Taketheshirtoff. Takeyourshirtoff. Take the SHIRT off. I'm your *leader* - take the..." Tazz is getting a little more perturbed, and thinking about stepping closer to Austin... "All right, you're gonna whip Stone Cold's ass?" A little shove from Austin. He goes to swing the belt again...and Tazz catches his wrist. Austin tries to pull it back - but Tazz holds on. So Austin kicks him in the gut. "Get that son of a bitch!" Raven and Morrus lay in the beatdown. "Maul him! Palumbo, O'Haire, where are ya? Get off of him, get off of him. Kick that sumbitch's teeth down his throat!" They wait for Tazz to get up - then double kick him. "AH! Bubba Ray, D-Von!" Crowd chants 3D - huh? "Teach that man some respect - for Stone Cold, for the Alliance! Bring it on!" Scoop...and a slam, What Are You Doing, testify dance. "That's RIGHT. RHYNOOOOO! Gore that sumbitch straight to Hell!" Rhyno waits for Tazz to get up - and spears him. "Bubba, turn that sumbitch down, turn him over, hold him down." Palumbo and O'Haire grab the legs while the Dudleyz grab the arms. Austin swings the belt, again punctuating his words with whips. "Ahhh - you gonna LEARN aBOUT reSPECT from STONE - COLD - STEVE - AUSTIN - AND - THE - ALLIANCE - YOU - SON - OF - A - -" Austin lets the crowd finish it as he whips him a few more times. Play his music! They leave Tazz in the ring as they get set to leave...and we raise a glass, having kissed another 21 minutes goodbye.
Kane prepares some Chef Boyardee Big Beefaroni - but - but he's WEARING A MASK! HE CAN'T EAT IT!
Hey, in Austin's world, there's NO Jakked and Heat, I guess.
Moments Ago, Three Paragraphs Ago - once is never enough
In the locker room, Christian catches up to "Edge, dude, you ready? We're just about to go out there against LANCE STORM and Justin Credible. What a lame name, Justin Credible, I can think of a better name than that, Justin.....I can't come up with one now, but I'm sure there's a better one." "Well, I was actually wondering...are you gonna make it down to the ring for the match this week?" "Ah, man, are you still on that kick? I told you, old Senorita Trophy had a big scratch right here over your name, and there was only one place open that I could get it buffed out, and I did it for YOU, man. I'm soorry you got hit with the Conchairto, but I'll be there, don't worry!" "Well I'll tell you what...you keep the address of that polishing store, because this Sunday, after I beat Lance Storm for the intercontinental championship at SummerSlam, I'm gonna need it." "See, that's the spirit, dude! Justin Stupidhead - ha, I still got it!"
TAJIRI (with Commissioner Regal - and Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) v. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALBERT (with X-Pac - hey, you ain't gotta look at him like that - I said, you ain't gotta look at him like that) - Albert shoves him down. Tajiri ducks a clothesline, kick, kick, Albert with a right and Tajiri goes down. Tajiri put in the corner, but gets a foot up to stop Albert's charge. Tajiri in...Albert presses and drops. Off the ropes with a yaaaaaah splash - for 2. Going for...I dunno, something Argentinian but Tajiri wriggles free and lands on his feet after going down the back - back kick to the back of the leg - repeated side kicks with opposite legs - off the ropes but Albert just knocks him down. I believe this is a size mismatch. Head to the yaaaaah buckle. Yaaah right. Into the opposite right - Tajiri is open and over on the yaaavalanche attempt, hooking the arms with his legs and going for the Tarantula, but X-Pac is over again to grab him and prevent it - actually pulling him outside, but Regal comes over and inserts himself against X-Pac. Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda is outside to get Regal away from the action - X-Pac tries a running Kwang kick, but Tajiri ducks - then lets loose with the GREEN MIST on X-Pac! Tajiri back in the ring - Albert catches the kick - double choke...Regal is in with a clip! (Chioda now very interested in watching X-Pac instead of the ring) - Tajiri is sitting on his chest and looking for the pin - Chioda back over - 1, 2, kicked out with authority...and Tajiri collides with the rope. Tajiri tries to recover, sitting on the top buckle - Albert over with ANOTHER double choke - now Tajiri lets loose with some RED MIST - missile dropkick puts him down, winding up for the KICK - leg is hooked - 1, 2, 3! (2:27) Oh, by the way, Tajiri and X-Pac go title for title at SummerSlam.
Backstage we go to the oilcan 'n' cyclone fence set, where MICHAEL KING COLE stands. "Moments ago, Rob van Dam challenged Kurt Angle to a hardcore championship match here tonight on RAW. The question is, what is the condition of Kurt Angle's ankle following the vicious attack by Sto-- Kurt! A couple of questions. First off, what IS the condition of your ankle following that brutal attack by Austin on SmackDown! and secondly, will you accept Rob van Dam's challenge for a hardcore championship match here tonight?" "Michael, I'm not gonna stand here and cry about it, but yeah, Stone Cold hurt my ankle pretty bad...and yeah, it is a little sore. But you see these babies? You know what these are?" "Gold?" "That's right, gold. And I won these beauts in a lot worse condition than I am right now. And never in my life did I EVER back down to a challenge...and I'm not about to start right now. So yes, I DO accept a hardcore match against RVD tonight. And furthermore, Stone Cold Steve AHHHHH" At this point, Hugh Morrus surprises Angle with a beatdown...that is, until Angle reverses fortunes - man, this cameraman is making me DIZZY with all the bobbin' and weavin' here - Morrus run into the klangy pipes - then Angle clamps on the anklelock. Morrus taps out (like that'll help) and finally the refs and Slaughter convene to get the fracas broken up.
How come that guy's playing "Flashdance...What a Feeling" to that runner now instead of "Eye of the Tiger?" Say, that reminds me - have I told you about Irene Cara trying to SUE me?
Kane's back for seconds - but he STILL CAN'T EAT! Where does all the Big Beefaroni GO?
And now for the Hardcore Smack of the Night...brought to you by Corn Nuts! From SmackDown!, Storm and van Dam fashion a Conchairto on Edge
LANCE STORM & JUSTIN CREDIBLE v. KING EDGE & CHRISTIAN (with the trophy) - Christian starts with Storm - lockup, knee by Christian, right, into the ropes, no Storm reverses and pulls into a short clothesline, which is ducked - Christian with another right to put him down. Right. Right for Credible, hot shot for Storm, off the ropes with a shoulderblock for 1. Storm to the face, into the unfriendly corner, Christian with a shoulder to stop the charge, back elbow for Credible on the apron, right for Storm, back elbow for Credible, Christian ducks a Storm swing, brings him up (blind tag), and then down in an atomic drop. Elbow puts Storm down, but Credible sails in with the blind DDT. Head to the buckle, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, lifts him out with a powerbomb - 1, 2, no. Tag to Storm, held open for the kick, elbow, elbow, Christian firing back, right, knee by Storm, into the ropes is reversed, head down, Storm kicks - Storm off the ropes but Christian lands a Viscera kick - both men are down and trying to get to the corner - hey it's been a minute and a half so it must be a HOT TAG! Edge is in for the first time...running forearm, clothesline, clothesline for Credible, Viscera for Storm, Credible with a gutshot. Into the ropes, reversed, Credible collides with Christian on the apron, who falls to the floor clutching his knee. Edge wants the DDT, but Storm clotheslines Edge to break it up - into the ropes, double clothesline ducked, Edge with a double clothesline. Edge reaches for the tag...only to find nobody there. Storm with the surprise superkick - leg is hooked - 1, 2, NO! Tag to Credible. Storm holds Edge - and you can guess the rest. Storm eats a superkick, Credible gets a gutshot and Buzzkill (or, as Ross says, "What a DDT!" - because there's no better way to show you CARE than to LEARN THE NAME OF THE FINISHER) and secures the 1, 2, 3. (2:31) There will be no celebration, however, as Storm wakes up and clips Edge's left knee...then applies the half crab. Edge taps (like that'll help), but referee Nick Patrick is outside the ring and not paying attention to these shenanigans - a fact that may have been something for our commentators to play up if only they'd cared about zany, wacky things like emphasizing plot points as they happen. Christian is finally in with a chair and everybody scatters. Play Storm's music! Here's a replay.
In the Room of Fun, Mr. & Mrs. Austin pep up van Dam, who seems confident enough on his own. There's a knock at the door - it's Shawn Stasiak. "Mr. Austin! Listen, I'm sorry to interrupt, but I just gotta tell you how excited, how inspired I am with not only you being the leader of the Alliance, but your speeches, they're phenomenal! I mean they've got me so...pumped up, I don't know what to do!" "You pumped up?" "Yeah, man!" "You don't know what to do? What's your name?" "Umm...Shawn Stasiak." "Oh you're the Stasiak kid, you're the kid I'm takin' under my wing." "That's right." "That's right! I did a little checkup on you." "Oh yeah?" "Wasn't your dad a former World Wrestling Federation champ a long time ago?" "That he was." "What are you gonna do about it? You just gonna be the son of a former WWF champ? Are you gonna be content to say that? Are you gonna go out there and make a damn name for yourself?" "Absolutely!" "I'm firin' ya up - I inspire ya - what - look at me! What are you gonna do about it, Shawn?" "I'm gonna do something tonight that you'll never forget." "What?" "I'm going to do something tonight that you'll NEVER forget."
SummerSlam promo - Lies - lies - lies - lies - books - books - books - books - burn - burn - burn - burn - FIRE - FIRE - FIRE - WOW - Angle, Austin, Booker, and Rock are highlighted
So this movie "O" - is that like the sequel to "Save the Last Dance?" Or do I wanna even know? (Nope)
SmackDown! is LIVE! This Thursday!
The "1st Austin Invitational," whatever it is, will take place
Check out WWF New York
As well as all the fans inside
Kanyon tells Palumbo & O'Haire it's all about the gold, and they need to take their titles back tonight. Page says it's time to make an impact...just like he and Kanyon have. He knows what Undertaker & Kane are capable of, and it's time to show what the Alliance is made of. Or something.
Meanwhile, Kurt Angle meets with the Commissioner. Regal suggests that maybe he'd be better off taking the night off following Morrus' sneak attack - nobody'd think any less of him if he blew off van Dam's challenge. "You know, Commissioner, I respect your concern, but there's one thing that you don't understand - that you can't quite possibly understand - I'm an American! And Americans don't back down from ANY challenge - no offense. I mean, let me tell you a little story about Benjamin Franklin. Now Ben wasn't in the best of shape, but--" Angle hears a shout and takes a step back...avoiding a charging Stasiak, who collides with the ubiquitous suit of armour and collapses on the floor. Angle stands over Stasiak as Regal wishes him luck against van Dam.
"Theme from a Lowering Cage" plays...
NEXT: the cage match!
Moments Ago, umm, we just SAW this segment mere SECONDS ago - oh well, call it an early exit before the ad break
It's the WWF LIVE! Thursday is SmackDown! from Salt Lake, Friday is Vegas, Saturday in Fresno, Sunday is SummerSlam in (not quite) sold out San Jose, and Monday is RAW in Sacto!
Earlier Tonight, Stasiak promised Austin he'd do something tonight that he'd never forget
Moments Ago, three paragraphs ago - check that, six paragraphs ago - yikes, we REALLY needed to see it replayed on two separate occasions, didn't we?
CHUCK PALUMBO & SEAN O'HAIRE (with RAW is WAR is brought to you by Castrol motor oily, Lugz, and the JVC Giga-Tube) v. FUN BROTHERS (with Sara) within the confines of the STEEL cage for the WCW tag team championship - Palumbo & O'Haire try to get the drop on Taker as he enters, simultaneously blocking Kane from getting through the door. He tries to climb the wall...and O'Haire dropkicks him off. Taker coming back against Palumbo as Kane slams the door on O'Haire. Chokeslam for O'Haire. Forearm in the back for Palumbo. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE & KANYON have appeared at the top of the stage - oh good, I was thinking how much we NEEDED a run-in. Taker & Kane just mauling Palumbo. O'Haire is climbing out but Kane is over to meet him - Taker rams Palumbo into the cyclone fencing. Kane shoves O'Haire off the ropes but the camera is watching Taker, alas. Palumbo has bladed? Those be some mean soupbones, ah suppose. Either that or Taker's pissed Palumbo didn't say "hi" to him earlier in the day and IT'Z A SHOOT, MAAAAAAAAAAAN Taker with the coleslaw grate on Palumbo's forehead. Another Kane chokeslam for O'Haire. Page & Kanyon are slowly making their way down the ramp. Palumbo facefirst into the wall. Chef Boyardee brings the Double Feature of the chokeslam. Taker with soupbone after soupbone. Kane holding him back (as if it were needed). Kane with a right as well. Palumbo pulling himself up...Kane with another right. Time now for the Last Ride. Page is now running for Sara, and the chase is on - Kanyon heads her off at the pass - Sara decides to climb the cage wall. Sitting up top...Page & Kanyon starting up the wall...Taker runs O'Haire into the wall, knocking them to the floor. Let's get the double pin out of the way (4:17) and Taker climbs up to sit on the cage with his wife. Menacing pointing all around.
Stephanie and Rhyno are WALKING! Stephanie is saying "does this dress make my..." Nah, I think we can do without the breast jokes in at least ONE recap...
SummerSlam IS this Sunday!
STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT & RHYNO THE MAN BEAST (with the RAW credits, Transmitido En Espanol SAP, TV-14-DLV & CC boxes) are out to "My Time" - huh. Stephanie is wearing a flower patten in camoflauge colours - which is strange, but camoflauge is usually used to make things DISAPPEAR, if you catch my drift. "I FEEL GOOD!" I knew that she would? "You know what, actually I don't feel good, I feel GREAT!" My ears hurt. "After the way you, Rhyno, gored Chris Jericho right through the video wall and destroyed the SmackDown! set last Thursday night. You know, I must have watched the footage like a million times this weekend but I can't get enough of it. Let's go to the footage one more time - WHAM! OOH! OW! Rhyno. That is just absolutely fantastic. But you know, Rhyno.... ["Y2J!"] you know, Rhyno, you must have knocked one of Y2J's screws loose, because Jericho actually accepted your challenge at SummerSlam. I mean, at SummerSlam, it's gonna be Chris Jericho versus RHYNO. Haha - does Y2J even realise that every time he's faced you (Rhyno) he's been beaten? Not only have you (Rhyno) beat Jericho, you've DESTROYED Jericho! You've ripped Jericho apart! And I am so confident that you will get the job done at SummerSlam that I would like to personally accompany you to ringside to watch you finish off Jericho, once and for all." "Stephanie - it would be an honour." "Well let's get a preview of SummerSlam - let's watch that gore ONE MORE TIME!" The Y2J countdown takes over the EntertainmentTron instead - CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO it out for a counterpoint. This is gonna be another one of those really long interview segments, isn't it. "Y2J!" "You know, I am still feeling the effects from the vicious gore last week, and you're right...I have never beaten Rhyno. BUT, at SummerSlam, I'm gonna take care of that smelly, greasy, nasty animal...(wait for it)...and I'm gonna get you too, Rhyno! You don't agree, Stephanie, well you did say that Rhyno was going to 'get the job done,' but standing in that ring right now, I'd say YOU'RE the expert when it comes to getting the job done. As a matter of fact, I have a little bit of video to show of my own. Let's take a look at a still of our little Stephanie from just last year." And there it is. Jericho frames the shot against Stephanie in the ring. "All right, all right. And now, let's take a look at our not-so-little Stephanie from just last week." We take a split-screen with BEFORE and AFTER helpfully labelling the sides to let us know we're supposed to be staring at her rack, then comparing and contrasting. A lot of people will look at this and say TOLD YOU TOLD YOU but damn, *that's what they WANT you to think.* Come on. It's a *wardrobe* thing, not a *surgery* thing. Anyway, that aside isn't gonna match the storyline, so I should just stop now. "Y2J!" Jericho continues: "It seems like our little billionaire princess sure has grown over the last year...well, in two specific places at least - talk about foreign objects - you wanna say let the bodies hit the floor? I would say let the BOOBIES hit the floor." OH MAN HA HA HA OH MAN HE SAID BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES HO HO HO Stephanie raises her arms to cover her chest - oh for the love of "I don't know what you're talking about, Jericho. You must have some kind of imagination!" "Well, maybe, maybe I do. Maybe you should allow me to take you out to dinner and we can discuss this. I hear there's a Hooters just down the road from this place!" Rhyno takes the mic from Stephanie as a "Hooters" chant breaks out. "That's enough! You show this woman some respect! And if you don't, then I suggest you come down to this ring, so I can BEAT some into you!" At THIS point, we take the unlikely turn of NAPPY T's music starting up...and the Champ walks right by Jericho, into the ring. Hopefully he's out to put a stop to all this crappy sports entertainment I'm being forced to endure...but I doubt it. Crowd chants "Rock E." Stephanie, I know what it's like to be disrespected, believe me. But it pains me to sit back there and listen to this punk-ass sucka dissin' you like that! You see, Jericho, this woman right here is ALL NATURALE. You see, Jericho...you see, Jericho...DAMN you lookin' fine, Stephanie! You been takin' your vitamins, girl? You see, Jericho, since you seem to be the expert on women with your long, pretty blonde hair... I hear there's an opening for a new Backstreet Boy - maybe you oughta check it out." "Ha ha ha! Oh ho! Oh boy was that ever a good one - eh. Well I hear there's an opening on the new A Team Reunion Special. Maybe you should....maybe you should check THAT out, Mr. T!" Heyman steps all over Booker's new catchphrase - what an asshole. "You didn't say that. Tell me he did not just say that." "I just said Mr. T." "See, Rhyno, I can't wait to SummerSlam, because after you beat that pretty boy, I face...the Rock. And I'm gonna take HIS punk ass STRAIGHT TO SCHOOL." IF YA SMELLLL is out and *I* smell a tag team main event - I hope we get there quick, we've almost burned an entire quarter on this. DAMN WHERE'S THE ROCK'S HAIR oh wait he's gonna talk....no, on second thought, he's gonna drag this out a bit MORE. "You just said that you were gonna take the Rock straight to school. School. Well the Rock can just imagine what YOU were like in high school. The oldest 27-year-old senior the world has ever seen! Standing out in front of your house with yo momma, and that short little yellow bus pulling up in front...meep meep. Meep meep." That's it, I'm outta here. "Meep meep." Everything from here on in is keyed in under protest. "You just walk in on the bus, goin' to class, gettin' inside the classroom, teacher up on the blackboard 'okay class, what is two...plus two? Do you know, Booker?' 'Oh eh, I know the answer to that - two plus two - Thomas Jefferson, sucka!' Obviously, Booker T, you're a highly intelligent man (makes a face), but not as intelligent as your boss, Shane McMahon. He obviously had more intelligence than you because he didn't want to come out here tonight after what the Rock did to him at SmackDown! ROCK BOTTOM, RIGHT THROUGH THE TABLE! But the Rock...guesses that old saying is true: Booker T, hair done by Whoopi, Shane McMahon, still a (beep)." Jericho's still here? "Wait a second, wait a second, Rock - that was a good one, but you're forgetting one half of the family, I mean look what's standing in the ring right now...you've got a man beast, and a hosebeast! I mean, we're DEALING with the GORE and the WHOR--" Stephanie: "SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" "Oh the Rock understands this one, Chris, this is a little...rhyming contest between you and the Rock! Well the Rock has got one better than that - oh yeah, the Rock has gone one better than that. Here's a little rhyme, is: 'Booker T and Shane, the punk-ass sucka and the silver spoon (beep)'" "THAT'S ENOUGH! THAT'S ENOUGH! ROCK! JERICHO! If you want Booker T and Rhyno so bad - Booker, wait - if they want you two so bad, why wait 'til SummerSlam? Why don't you (Rock) team with Y2J, and face Booker T and Rhyno in a tag team match In This Very Ring tonight?" "You know, I think that's just what Y2J and the Rock wanted...thank you, Stephanie! You're the breast - I mean, best!" "Oh yeah, it's gonna be the Rock, Y2J, 'gainst Booker T and Rhyno in front of millions of people LIVE RAW is WAR. You see, the Rock and Chris Jericho, we're gonna take you two on a little geography lesson - yeah, we're gonna go to France, we're gonna go to China, we're gonna go to Russia, but don't worry, we get in trouble, we can use Stephanie McMahon's breasts as a flotation device, BUT....it doesn't matter where we go, around the world once, some places twice, the fact remains, we will end up right back here, whoopin' your candyasses all over Chicaaaaaaaaago....if ya smellllllalalalalalooow what the Rock is cookin'!"
TONIGHT: Kurt Angle vs. Rob van Dam in a hardcore title match!
Edge & Christian shill Stacker 2
SummerSlam ad in the local slot suggests we could still hit up TicketMaster if we wanted to see SummerSlam live at the Compaq Center - so, come on. "Sold out" is A LIE
Here's a look at the Allstate Arena marquee - it too says "SOLD OUT" but now I just can't *believe* anymore
Another knock at Austin's door - it's Helms, who takes a seat, and a carrot. "I guess go ahead and have a carrot...who are you?" "Hurricane. Hurricane Helms." "Ha ha ha, that's right, I got my eye on you. You're gonna be a hell of a superstar here, man." "Thank you." (big pause) "What are you doing?" "Well, I saw that inspirational speech you gave out there, I'm ready to do something." "That's cool. (big pause) What's - what's that?" "That's a tattoo." "I know it's a tattoo, what the hell is it?" "Oh, it's...the Green Lantern." "What?" Debra breaks up laughing. "Oh my God - I cannot believe he's got a picture of the Green Lantern on his arm..." Steve starts to laugh too, then stops. "What's a green lantern?" "Superhero." "A what?" "Superhero. He beat Superman one time - punched him right, BAM, one punch, that's all it took." "Mmmm. (big pause) Your name's Hurrican Helms--" "Mmm hmmm" "and you got a tattoo of a Green Lantern who's a superhero." "Yeah." Austin strokes his beard. "Reminds me of Kurt Angle. He thinks he's a superhero." "He ain't no Green Lantern." "He couldn't beat the Green Lantern." "Noooo" "He's got a couple gold medals. What do you think about that?" "He can't beat the Green Lantern, I don't think." Debra: "He's the Green Lantern." Austin furrows his brow. "Does the Green Lantern fly?" "Mmm hmm." "He flies." "Yes, all over the place." "Can you fly?" "I try." Pause. "I'm talkin' 'bout tonight, you can't fly out there and make a name for yourself, can you?" "Yeah!" "You know about hurricanes? We have a lot of hurricanes in Texas, the damn hurricane, it come through there, blowin' wind, rain everywhere, it cause mass destruction - can you go out there tonight, act like a damn hurricane and cause mass destruction?" "Yes!" "Can you do that?" "That's what I'll do!" "Can you make some a name for yourself?" "Tonight!" "Then take your little green lantern tattoo out there and raise some hell, Hurricane!" "Okay." He takes another stab at the veggie platter on his way out. "Help yourself to a tomato!" Debra laughs again. "I'm sorry I made you laugh at the Green Lantern" Oh my God...STARRING STEVE AUSTIN AS "COACH" KEVIN NASH
TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST (with Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) v. SPIKE DAMN DUDLEY (with Molly Holly) - Spike ducks the clothesline, elbow, elbow, whip is reversed into a knee in the gut by Test, going for the Meltdown but Spike goes down the back, gutshot, going for the Dudley 'dog but Test just throws him over the top rope to the floor instead. I wonder why nobody ever figured that out in ECW. Test outside - right, right, right, referee "Blind" Teddy Long trying to get the action back in as we watch the Chef Boyardee Double Feature - Test looks Molly back to a safe distance - stomp, back into the ringpost, again, press - through the ropes back into the ring. Test going up top...but the Savage elbow MISSES! Spike throws the elbow, elbow, Test blocks, Spike ducks, dropkicks the knee, seated dropkick, right, into the corner is reversed, but Spike gets the boot up - second rope - 'rana! But he recovers quickly enough to hit the gutshot - going for the powerbomb - you can't powerbomb Spike - gutshot, going for the 'dog AGAIN but Test shakes off THAT attempt - Spike ducks a clothesline, but comes off the ropes into the Wotsitolla Boot. 1, 2, 3. (1:49) Test ain't done - he WANTS that powerbomb, dammit, and he's gonna GIVE it out! He wants to deliver ANOTHER one, but Molly comes in - and slaps him one. Test with a gutshot for HER...but before he can powerbomb Molly, the APA run out...then THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ run out, but the APA get the better of them - Bubba Ray eats the big boot, while D-Von gets the spinebuster. Play their music! Hey, there's a six-man at SummerSlam - try to figure out the teams (hint: everybody in this segment) while we take this ad break
LIVE! SmackDown! LIVE! Thursday! LIVE!
1st Austin Invitational! LIVE! This Thursday! UPN! LIVE! LIVE! LIVE! LIVE! LIVE! LIVE! LIVE!
Matt Hardy & Lita catch up to Kurt Angle, who is enjoying pre-match cookies and milk - they want to make sure he's okay to go tonight, considering he's got Austin Sunday and he needs to bring the Championship home to the WWF and all. Angle reminds Hardy that he was with him Thursday, so he knows the feeling (huh?) and promises to KILL Austin this Sunday (but doesn't promise to come out of tonight the hardcore champion....oh well, belts are always an afterthought anyway RIGHT?) "And speaking of Austin...how 'bout these speeches he's giving to the Alliance? I mean, talking to this Hurricane Helms kid, pumping him up because he wears a Green Lantern tattoo on his shoulder - what a lame superhero! The Green Lantern! I mean, Superman, Batman, Flash...umm, Aquaman, a guy who talks to fish for a living is a better superhero than that! Give me a break!" Helms enters the picture. "Excuse me, excuse me...there's a hurricane coming through. Excuse me, excuse me. Talking about the Green Lantern? That's untrue - that's DAMN untrue. What are you drinking there, Kurt? A glass of milk?" He slaps it out of his hand. "You spilled my milk." "Uh huh - whatchoo gon' do about it?" "He spilled my milk." Angle takes Helms and slams him onto the buffet table, then grabs the cooky tray and waffles him with it. "NOBODY spills my milk! And by the way, Green Lantern? Comic book superhero is no match for an Olympic Hero. OH it's true." Hrady grabs a cooky. "So who WAS your favourite superhero?" Lita: "Wonder Woman...hello." "I should have guessed."
I GET LETTERS: Aaron Thomas offers: While it might be that Helms got that style of tattoo because the current Green Lantern symbol would be too complicated, it's a shame that no one figured out that GL's weakness was anything yellow ...including gold.
I mean, what would be better for Kurt's current personality than beating up Helms, then retorting "Everyone knows that golden yellow is murder on you Green Lanterns!" and then punching him out one more time?
Eh. I liked it when Page went to slap hands in the opening segment and pulled back at the last minute, so I guess I can't sweat it when they get other small details right.
Steve tells Debra he didn't deserve that (I think) - this is just to establish they're still there
ROB VAN DAM
(with Chef Boyardee presents
SummerSlam in six days and we're gonna keep saying it's sold out, dammit)
v. AD BREAK
NEXT:Hardcore championship match!
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: ROB VAN DAM v. KURT ANGLE - van Dam meets him outside the ring and we're on...Angle blocks, right, right, right, into the STEEL steps, head to the steps, again, clothesline, cover - 2. van Dam's head hits the post. Into the barricade. It's been all Angle - until the whip into the barricade is reversed, and Angle goes over. The Austins watch their monitor. van Dam drapes Angle over the barricade, kick to the head, right, right, climbs the steps, spinning legdrop to the back of the neck - Angle back in on the floor - van Dam covers...and gets 2. Angle rolled back in - van Dam brings a chair in with him, then wedges it between the top and middle ropes in the corner. van Dam back over to Angle - Angle with a dropkick, and van Dam runs into the very chair he just set up! Angle hooks the leg - 1, 2, kickout. Right hand from Angle, into the ropes, van Dam goes back to back up and over and connects with a spin kick. Chef Boyardee Double Feature of the head meeting the chair. Ross: "Perhaps the most popular member of the Alliance..." Me: "...except for Austin, maybe?" van Dam grabs the chair and runs into a dropkick to the chair to Angle's face. Cover - 1, 2, shoulder up. van Dam with an elbow - into the corner, elbow up by Angle - sitting on top but van Dam manages an overhead kick (wow!) to the head. van Dam has the chair again - forward roll (oops, left the chair behind) but right into a second rope clothesline from Angle. "Woooooow!" DOWN COME THE STRAPS! Anglelock applied! Yeah, you thought van Dam would tap - come on. Here come TOMMY DREAMER & RAVEN & AWESOME MIKE AWESOME, who unfortunately attack black ninja style - Angle punches Raven off the apron, punches Dreamer off the apron, belly-to-belly suplexes Awesome...now from out of nowhere, JEFF HARDY shows up, runs the barricade and clotheslines Raven - Angle ducks a spin kick - Olympic Slam! Dreamer back in - HE gets an Anglelock - meanwhile, Jack Doan has shown up as Jeff Hardy hits the swantonbomb on van Dam - 1, 2, 3! Charles Robinson is a little taken aback. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new ROB VAN DAM ACTUALLY JOBBED HOLY SHIT (3:26) Angle wants to know what's up - no, he seems happy - well, Raven and Awesome try again to attack, but Hardy and Angle shove them off. THERE'S the handshake. Play Angle's music!
Austin reacts "That's pathetic. You have to lead by example, and show these guys what I mean. Next Thursday on SmackDown!" oops cut away...
Moments Ago, two paragraphs ago. Dreamer sure looks FUNNY! in that anklelock
Backstage, where Shawn Stasiak has found Debra. "Do you know what, I think you SHOULD apologise." "You think so?" "Oh, absolutely." "I mean, is he angry?" "Oh, Steve angry? Oh no. I mean, he's just invented maybe like three new four-letter words, but Steve angry? Naaah, I mean you just embarrassed the Alliance, I mean - you have nothing to worry about. "Debra, is he in the bathroom?" "Oh yeah, he's on the bathroom - go on - yeah, go on in there." Stasiak stands at the door. "Maybe I should knock..." "Oh, go on in there." "Maybe I should just wait..." "GO on in there." Suddenly, Austin smacks the door open, clobbering Stasiak out of sight. "Steve!" "Let's get the hell outta here." "Did you realise what you just did?" "I know what I just did, I didn't even flush the commode." WEAK
RHYNO (with Stephanie Can't Act) and NAPPY T (with Shane Can't Dance) v. AD BREAK - signs in crowd: "SUCKA T" - it may catch on yet
Wow! Rock's in his dressing room! No, wait, he's LEAVING - and so are we
SummerSlam promo - again - MUSCLE AND HATE - MUSCLE AND HATE - MUSCLE! - MUSCLE! - MUSCLE! - MUSCLE!
RHYNO & NAPPY T (with Stephanie & Shane) v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO and 10 cc OF ROGAINE, STAT - Jericho and Rhyno are going to start - Jericho ducks, right, right, kick, right, right, knee, forearm, forearm, forearm, forearm, forearm, knee, knee, knee, chop, into the ropes, reversed, duck, duck, crossbody, right, right, right, right, right, chop, chop, chop, into the opposite corner, reversed, boot up, second rope, missile dropkick, cover, Booker T. breaks it up. Believe me, that minute was about as exciting as it sounded. Still all Jericho - head to the buckle, tag to the Rock - WOW I BET *NOW* IT'LL PICK UP - right, right, right, right, right, into the corner, reversal, but Rock pops out with a clothesline...then turns to Booker T and makes the international "just bring it" sign. He shouldn't turn his back to Rhyno like that - spinning him around, but Rock throws the right instead. Tag to Jericho - elbow, chop, chop, into the ropes, reversed, T with a shot in the back to stop Jericho. Rhyno charges, but Jericho sidesteps and runs him into T, off the ropes with the (hairpull) bulldog...but T lands an apron clothesline to FINALLY turn it around. Overhand right by Rhyno, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, tag. Booker T in - arm wringer, back heel kick, leg hooked, 2. Right, measuring the chop, into the ropes, reversed by Jericho, flapjack. Both men down. Can Jericho make the tag? MAYBE. Rhyno tagged - Rock tagged - right, right, right, right, into the ropes, belly-to-belly throw, free shot for T as he comes in, poised to deliver Rock Bottom to Rhyno...but T makes it back and clobbers Rock with a forearm in the back of the head. Rock nips up (!) (but unfortunately referee "Blind" Earl Hebner obstructs the camera's view) 'cause it's NO SALE time, baby - right, right, right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, and Rhyno lowers the bridge, sending Rock to the floor. Rhyno stomping all over him - overhand rights - elbow in the back - head to the STEEP steps, and Rock rolled back in. Rhyno covers - 1, 2, no. "Rock E!" T wanted Rhyno to bring Rock to his boot, but Rhyno tagged his boot instead. Yikes. T points to his boot, Rhyno points to Rock lying there in the ring. T gives up and gets in the ring. Rock with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, right off the ropes...but T lands a Harlem side kick! He's on top - 1, 2, Jericho saves (or Rock kicks out, maybe) - Chef Boyardee says "let's see that kick again on the Double Feature!" T taking charge - snapmares him over - off the ropes with the measured kneedrop - leg is hooked - 1, kickout. Rock strikes back with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, off the ropes - but T hits a gutshot, off the ropes with the axe kick, then breakdancing back to his feet - 1, 2, Jericho flies off the top with a double axehandle in the back to T! Tag to Rhyno - block, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed (Rock has GOT to stop trying the whip - it NEVER works for him) but Rock comes off with a flying clothesline! Both men are down - who will tag? Jericho really, REALLY wants that tag. Crowd chants "Rock E" - or is it "Y2J?" HA HA HA just kidding. Tag to Jericho!! Off the ropes with a flying jalapeno! Into the ropes, Viscera kick. Springboard dropkick for T on the apron...except he COMPLETELY misses the ropes and has to improvise a weak little lovetap right hand, while crumpling onto the mat. Off the ropes with a swinging neckbreaker on Rhyno - 1, 2, T makes the save...then throws a right hand to Hebner to shut HIM up....which puts him through the ropes and to the floor. Rock is quickly over - right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT and T goes outside to land next to Hebner. Rock out after him - Rhyno reverses a whip, Jericho lands a back elbow - going for the Lionsault, but Stephanie PASTES him in the face with a chair before he can miss another rope springboard, saving him no end of embarrassment, I'm sure. Rhyno covers as NICK PATRICK sprints out - 1, 2, Rock pulls him out! HE gets a right hand! Rock back in - right, into the ropes, spinebuster...People's Elbow coming up unless Booker can do something about it - yep, he ankles him out of the ring - into the commentary table - right, head to the tabletop, again....back in the ring, Jericho has the double leg takedown...and the Walls of Jericho! Rhyno is tapping but there's no ref to see it! MIKE CHIODA sprints out, only to get headed off at the base of the ramp by a big tackle from Shane! Stephanie in the ring - grabbing Jericho by the hair to break up the Walls of Jericho - swing is caught - Jericho with a double leg takedown and Stephanie's dress almost goes over her head - Stephanie frantically trying to keep her dress around her while also attempting to sell fighting off a Walls of Jericho attempt...mercifully for her, Rhyno is up from behind with an uppernut to Jericho and a schoolboy as CHARLES ROBINSON appears on the scene - 1, 2, 3...."Rhyno beat Jericho again." (8:48) Rhyno with the GORE! GORE! GORE! to put an exclam on the end of the sentence. Outside, Rock has apparently put T into the steps, but we missed it. Rock back in - right for Rhyno, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Rock stops and pulls Rhyno back into an arm wringer, gutshot, DDT! Shane in with a right hand that has absolutely NO effect save to make Rock angrier - NO SALE. Right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT and Shane goes out to the floor. Robinson makes a big show of protesting all these post-match hijinks - so HE gets Rock Bottom! Rock stands poised ready for Rhyno to get up - ROCK BOTTOM! Who's next? Shane's back in...but before he can do it, Booker T forearms him in the back of the head...BOOKER T WITH THE ROCK BOTTOM!!! Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp...Shane has a STEEL chair. "Get the hell up!" Field goal kick. "Get up!" Crowd chants "Rock E!" but not tonight...T stands ready, waiting....BOOKER T WITH THE ROCK BOTTOM ON THE CHAIR!!!!!!!! BOOKER T! BOOKER T! BOOKER T! PLAY HIS MUSIC! BOOKER T! BOOKER T! BOOKER T! He goes ahead does *another* breakdance to make sure we all know who he is. HE IS BOOKER T! Jericho and Rock are left amongst the ruins of the referees in and around the ring - Booker, Rhyno, Shane, and Stephanie stand at the top of the stage in triumph - and all Rock can do is grimace. Commentators completely fail to mention that SmackDown! is live - or mention SmackDown! at all, for that matter. Oh well....that kinda seems how it's been going, lately...