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QUICK QUOTE: WWF 12.06 (+ .01, last year: 19 5/16)

This SPECIAL report is dedicated to Mike Lavieri!

TONIGHT: From the HOME OF THE KINGS, Sara challenges Diamond Dallas Page - yes, Sara - stick around, it'll get uglier! Also, THE ROCK! No way! THE ROCK? On RAW? Believe it - NEXT!

AND NOW, AS A PUBLIC SERVICE, AN EIGHTEEN WORD REVIEW OF "TNN'S ROBOT WARS: EXTREME WARRIORS" - It should come as no surprise to *anyone* that this series is *vastly* inferior to "Robot Wars UK."

TV-14-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

Earlier Today, Austin (and wife) entered the dressing room to find an applauding Alliance waiting inside, clapping and chanting "Steve! Steve! Steve!" TV-14-DLV again, in case you missed it "Yeah, you know...God dang, it feels like family in here. Everybody feling good? Lemme tell ya, it makes my heart feel good to see all the Alliance members here tonight. It feels like family. To know that you guys - heh heh - are here to honour me. First ever Stone Cold Steve Austin appreciation night. Do you know how long I've waited for this? You know, if you guys appreciate this half as much as I appreciate it, that means I appreciate it twice as much as you do? That's a joke." Crowd works up some quick laughter - what, does NOBODY watch Monty Python's Flying Circus any more? "Anyway, I appreciate the fact that you guys appreciate me, and know I've led by example, ever since I jumped on board here with the Alliance, I've led by example. I led by example last night when I whipped Kurt Angle's ass, that's what I did. And it's stickin' together, it's stickin' together and following my example that's gonna create huge superstars in this room, I guarantee that. And for the record, just for the record, I will continue to lead by example tonight. If Kurt Ankle shows up his little face here tonight, I got plenty more o' where last night come from. Do I make myself clear? I'll see ya'all later tonight, and I appreciate how much you appreciate me." "Steve! Steve! Steve!"

(Same Old) Opening Credits

PYRO AWAY - once again it's on, one night removed from SummerSlam, the WWF is LIVE at the HOME OF THE KINGS, the Arco Arena in Sac-town, CA and the Capital City is jumpin' and pumpin' and transmitido en espanol SAP 20.8.1 on The National Network!

TONIGHT: It's Austin Appreciation Night - well it's about damn time!

TONIGHT: Sara takes on Diamond Dallas Page - and the REAL winners are the fans!


LITA & MOLLY HOLLY & JACQUELINE (with Let Us Take You Back to Heat) v. IVORY & TORRIE SAMUDA & STACY KEIBLER - Wow, they sure got Lita looking like Joanie with that headband, don't they? Interesting choice. Ivory starts with Holly - lockup, Ivory with a full nelson...Holly slips out, Ivory tries for a snapmare but Holly lands on her feet after a handstand out - off the ropes with the shoulderblock, off the ropes, up and over, dueling hiptosses go nowhere, Holly with a northern lights suplex for 1. We start over. Lockup, Holly with a hammerlock - Ivory reverses - Holly reaches back for the rolling snapmare...Ivory ends up in her corner - but Wilson & Keibler both drop off, fearing a tag in. Ivory does some yelling to no effect; meanwhile Jackie has tagged in behind her and lies in wait - chop, chop, into the ropes, back elbow, cover - 1, 2, Ivory kicks out. Jackie waits for her to get up - then dropkicks her. Ivory lunges for her corner and tags Torrie. Torrie has the "deer in the headlights" look which suggests she still hasn't learned improvisation yet...then runs into a spear from Jacqueline. Jackie in the mount - ramming Torrie's head into the mat repeatedly, then throwing rights (five) - got her by the hair and pulling her back to her feet...knee, into the ropes is reversed, Stacy manages a kick to the back to take her down. Torrie with a kick. Torrie invites Stacy in illegally - into the ropes, Jackie ducks the double clothesline and lands one of her own. Jackie asks if the crowd wants Lita? Hell yes, they do, so here's the tag. Lita comes find the ring clear of everybody except referee "Blind" Chad Patton. Ivory reluctantly comes back in - and runs into a drop toehold. Into the corner is reversed, Lita up and over....but landing on her injured leg and coming up lame. And speaking of lame, the commentators are spending WAY too much time talking about everything but this match. Ivory smells blood - stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Got the injured leg...but Lita manages a monkey flip..then limps to her corner - nope, Ivory's got her leg again - that's usually the cue for the enzuigiri. Sure enough! Lita tags Jacqueline as Patton says "you've got one minute." Right hand, Jackie waits for Torrie & Stacy - they missed their cue again - here comes Torrie, falling backwards before Jackie can even throw the back elbow, Stacy falling backwards before Jackie can grab her hair, GOOD GOD this is embarrassing for BOTH of us - now I know why Ross and Heyman are talking about Austin and Angle - Ivory manages a gutshot and a Wendi Wheels Blowout to take over. Ivory with a right, right, putting her on the top buckle - Jackie blocks the next punch, gutshot, tornado DDT - that'll do ya. Leg is hooked - 1, 2, 3 - it ain't joshi. (3:43) Fortunately for us, Paul doesn't get in the ring to interview anybody after this match.

UP NEXT: The Rock! We promise! Don't let all this wrestling make you turn the channel before you miss THE ROCK!

When we come back, we're backstage again where the Dudley Boyz congratulate Test for their SummerSlam victory - he can tag with them any time. In comes Stephanie: "Excuse me...Bubba, D-Von - would you mind leaving Test and I alone for a moment?" "Whatever you need, boss." "Thank you. Listen, Test. We might not have ended things on the, the best note, but - you know, we were kids then, I mean I didn't know what I was doing, you didn't know what you were doing. We're so much more mature now. And I really need your help - the Alliance needs your help." "I'm listening." "Okay, you know me very well, and you know that I can be a real witch when I don't get what I want. And last night at SummerSlam, I did not get what I wanted. Rhyno did NOT defeat Chris Jericho in the middle of the ring. And that's where you come in, Test. Because you're the man - and I firmly believe that you can take Chris Jericho out for good, tonight." "You know somethin', Steph? You're not a witch. You're a (beep). But you're a GOOOOOOD (beep), and I always liked that about you. And I'm a team player, so I'll help I'll help you take oot Chris Jericho tonight - except tonight, I'll get the job done." "Hey Test..." and they shake hands. "See ya out there." What, she can't call him "Andrew" anymore?

Out walks THE ROCK - I notice there's no stage set up this week. That's usually the international sign of "somebody drives a large vehicle into the arena tonight" so we'll keep one eye open. Rock hits the corner pose, then pauses for the chant. That title must be heavy - lookit the Rock constantly twitch his shoulder! "Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK to Sacramento! Booker T, last week you said that come SummerSlam you were gonna take the Rock to school. Well Booker T, after last night at SummerSlam it was the Rock that took you to school...and not only did the Rock take you to school, but he taught you lessons of a lifetime. You see, Booker T, Professor Rock, he taught you...People's Elbow 101, Advanced Rock Bottom 407, and above all else the lesson the Rock taught you was gettin' your monkey ass whipped, 1, 2, 3!" "Rock E!" I should probably make the standard racism joke 'cause he said "monkey," but...I believe I shall postpone. "See, Booker T, there is one more lesson that the Rock taught you - a lesson that you will never, ever forget, and that lesson is this: is you can try to talk like the Rock, you can try and act like the Rock, but the fact remains, Booker T, is there is only one, AND THE ROCK MEANS ONE People's Champ, electrifying man, and that man, Booker T, is the ROCK. So Booker T, after last night, the Rock knows that you couldn't POSSIBLY be feeling good right now. The Rock knows that you're probably feelin' two feet tall. So the Rock wants one thing: Booker T, the Rock wants you to come out here, face the Rock, eye to eye, and maybe JUST MAYBE the Rock can make you feel a little bit better. So, Sacramento, let's give Booker T a warm welcome by chanting his name." Crowd chants "Booker T" - no, they chant "Boo-urns," actually. And now a pretty good "Sucka" chant. T's music plays and ... yeah, your spider sense was tingling's A MIDGET, complete with Book-esque hairstyle and "puff" flame pyro. Ross laughs to let us know it's all good clean fun, folks. "Now Booker T, after last night at SummerSlam, the Rock wants to do you feel?" "How do you THINK I feel....SUCKA?" Actually, take that hair off of him and he'd be a DEAD RINGER for Stevie Ray - no foolin'! Only, about 1/3 height compared to the genuine froot booty merchant. "Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, Booker T. You don't have to get mad at the Rock, don't be angry at the Rock! 'Cause you're still a fantastic athlete, you still have a great body..." "Yeah, and my hair's pretty, too...SUCKA." "Well Booker T, well I'll tell you what. The Rock called you out here 'cause he wants you to feel better, and he knows there's one way you're really gonna feel better and that's by doin' that...move. You know the move that you do better than anybody else." "Yeah, you know - spinaroonie - SUCKA." "Well why don't you go ahead and make yourself feel better and ah...treat the Rock to the spinaroonie." He goes down on one knee, extends his hand and shakes his head...and breakdances back to his feet...then hops around on one foot. Nicely done! "That's pretty good, Booker T. Why don't you show the Rock a little, uh...moonwalk? Runnin' man? You know, the Rock's an athlete, he used to play football...why don't you show the Rock a little...Deion Sanders? Booker T...Rock knows you feel better. Can U dig that?" "No, SUCKA!" Rock ponders the response. Then, waits out another "Rock E!" chant. "Let the Rock ask you one more time. Can U dig THAT?" "Yeah, I can dig it, SUCKA." Rock regards this again...and hitches his shoulder for the 487th time this segment. "Let the Rock ask you one more th-- let the Rock finish. Let the Rock ask you one more thing. You wanna keep dancing?" "Let's do this, sucka." But the music of LANCE STORM isn't much to dance to. "This is a sad, sad display, Rock. It's a sad day in this business when mocking your opponent via midget is an acceptible form of entertainment. Now no one enjoys a good laugh more than I do...but this ain't funny. You want somethin' that's funny, Rock, you want a real joke, that's you carryin' the WCW title. Which brings me to why I'm out here: to challenge you to a WCW title match right here tonight." Rock considers a response, but waits for one more chant. "Who IN THE BLUE HELL are you? The Rock doesn't know who you are, but he knows what you say, and if *the Rock* can be serious for a minute - as far as for your challenge goes: you and the Rock, WCW title match tonight, well the Rock says.....just bring it." "That's splendid, Rock, 'cause not only will I bring the WCW title back to the Alliance, but your days of unabashed hijinks are about to end." "And your nights of the Rock whoopin' your ass is about to begin! If ya smell...what the cookin'." Storm turns to leave - then superkicks the midget!!!

Tough Enough ad - this week, *everybody* quits

An exterior view of the SPECTACULAR Arco Arena - haha, lookit that Monarchs banner

Let Us Take You Back to Last Night, where Shane interjected himself in two matches - with varying degrees of success

A.P.A. & SCOTTY 2 HOTTY & SPIKE DAMN DUDLEY & THA 1 BILLY GUNN & WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW v. THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ & CHUCK PALUMBO & SEAN O'HAIRE & HUGH MORRUS & TOMMY DREAMER - this twelve man tag is fairly similar to the main event of last Saturday's house show in Fresno...which got some rave reviews, so my expectations are a bit higher that this'll be pretty smokin'. I'm not sure how referee "Blind" Jack Doan is going to be able to keep things in check by his lonesome, but good luck. It's Faarooq for Team WWF, and Palumbo for Team W/ECW. Lockup, Palumbo with a knee, right, right, discus right. Shoulder drive - wow, slapping the back of his head like Faarooq was his BITCH - I don't think he's gonna take that very well. Sure enough, Faarooq counters the arm wringer with a big clothesline. Tag to Hotty - arm wringer, but Palumbo pokes the eyes and tags out to O'Haire - Hotty ducks, right, right, right, into the corner is reversed - boots up by Hotty - off the ropes but O'Haire lands a clothesline. Tag to Dreamer, but Dreamer AND Morrus come in for the open shot - into the ropes, Hotty ducks, double clothesline lands! Tag to Gunn - right for Dreamer, right for Morrus, Dreamer, Morrus, free shot for D-Von, Palumbo in - HE gets a cobra clutch slam - Bubba Ray Dudley in with a clothesline - scoop...and a slam - holding him for "What Are You Doing?" but Faarooq meets D-Von at the turnbuckle while Spike comes in and uppernuts Bubba Ray from behind. Bradshaw in and to the corner - got D-Von, ALMOST dropping him...but managing the super fallaway slam! Bradshaw has Dreamer in the friendly corner - head to the buckle, chop, right, knee, right, overhand right, tag to Spike, scoop slam - Spike in with PERRO AGUAYO - the double stomp to the chest from the top rope. Going for the 'dog, but Dreamer recoveres and shoves him into the corner, then sits him on the top buckle...then pulls him out with a neckbreaker. Spike into the ropes, pressed up - and powerbombed down. Half crab applied - Bradshaw comes in to boot Dreamer in the head. Bubba Ray in without a tag - elbow, Spike into the ropes, BIG back body drop. Stomp, tag to D-Von - into the ropes - double flapjack and Spike sails about ten feet high. 1, 2, shoulder just up. D-Von with a right hand, to the Alliance corner as we take a Clearasil Double Feature. Right, right, tag to Morrus. Spike into the ropes, running clothesline. Into the corner, boot up by Dudley, gutshot, Dudley 'dog! But both men are down. Crowd starts the clap as Spike crawls to his corner...and tags in the Show as Morrus tags in Dreamer. Ross: "Oh, MY." Show is ready and rarin' - clothesline for Dreamer! Clothesline for O'Haire! Clothesline for Palumbo! Right for Morrus on the apron, back elbow for Bubba Ray, right for D-Von - HE'S a house on fire! But Palumbo and O'Haire run over Show with a double clothesline that takes all him outside! Palumbo went with him but O'Haire was left standing - but as soon as he turns around, he is met with Bradshaw's Hades lariat! JUNGLE KICK by Palumbo on Bradshaw! Faarooq with the SPINEBUSTER on Palumbo! 3D (Dudley Death Drop) on Faarooq! Spike in with a gutshot on Bubba Ray, going for the Dudley 'dog but Bubba throws him over his shoulder - 3D (Dudley Death Drop) on Spike! Gunn in as Show pulls out D-Von - Bubba Ray's punch is ducked, and Gunn hits the Fame-Asser on Bubba Ray! Morrus back up - flapjack on Gunn...and up for No Laughing Matter - but MISSES!! Hotty in - bulldog off the ropes! W - O - R - M - hoo hoo hoo YAAAAH - but Dreamer DDT's HIM...and mocks the Worm dance - oops, Show is back in - ahhhhhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM - BOTH MEN ARE LEGAL, JOE - 1, 2, 3! (5:28) Man, throw in eight or nine crazy-ass submission holds and slap masks on all of 'em and you've got a preview of the next AAA pay-per-view. I bet this match ROCKED ROCKED 'TIL IT DROPPED back in Fresno, too.

STONE COLD TRIBUTE: Hurricane Helms talks for about half an hour about the Green Lantern (okay, we get it)...and then concludes by saying that Stone Cold Steve Austin has supplanted the Green Lantern as his #1 Superhero.

Chris Jericho is WALKING!

WWF Magazine ad - if the Rock's on the cover, NOW will you buy it?

Kane keeps opening those cans of Chef Boyardee Big Beefaroni - you think eventually he'd remember HE CAN'T EAT

Sara shadowboxes - oy

CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO v. TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST (with Stephanie Can't Act) - wait, I thought he had a concussion? "Last night at SummerSlam, Y2J FINALLY beat the vicious Rhyno. But it came at a price, as Rhyno beat the living hell out of me...he actually showed a true set. Unlike you, Test. After seeing you reunite with your ex (Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley), a question comes to mind: how can a man whose name is short for 'Testicles,' have absolutely none?" OH NO STEPHANIE'S HANDS ARE STUCK TO HER HIPS AGAIN Test rushes the ring and it's on - Jericho ducks, right, right, chop, chop, into the ropes, reversed, flying jalapeno by Jericho - punching from the mount, but Test shoves him off. Jericho put in the corner, but he gets the boot up - Test ducks the clothesline, hooks the arm and hits Uncle Slam. Now TEST is punching from the mount - referee "Blind" Mike Chioda breaks it up. Clearasil Double Feature of Jericho's head taking the brunt of the full nelson slam. Both men up - right by Test - into the opposite corner, Test with a follow lariat. Powerbomb coming up - no, Jericho frees himself, ducks the punch and lands a kick to the back of the head. Both men down. Chioda puts on the count - Jericho up at 4 - off the ropes, back elbow to the mush - off the ropes with the swinging neckbreaker. Test ducks a clothesline - Jericho with the gutshot - and bulldog off the ropes. Now going for the Lionsault - OH MAN *BEGGING* for trouble by choosing to go off the ropes next to Stephanie, and wouldn't you know Stephanie obliges by hooking the ankles as he tries to bounce off the ropes. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Test is waiting for Jericho to stand up so he can deliver the big boot...but Jericho ducks and Test crotches himself on the top rope! Right hand puts him to the floor...Jericho over to grab Stephanie by the hair...RHYNO THE MAN BEAST is out - Jericho over with a forearm - and outside with another forearm...Rhyno sent into the STEEL steps. Jericho turns back to Stephanie - and smiles. The chase is on - inside the ring - oops, Jericho doesn't notice Test laying in wait and the Wotsitolla Boot LANDS - and lands BIG-TIME. 1, 2, 3. Give one back to the Alliance. (2:33) Replay of the final moments. Tune in Thursday when Jericho starts talking to a MOP!

The JVC Giga-Tube presents the Blast of the Night! From SummerSlam, Christian's interference goes wrong, yet Edge still manages to capture the intercontinental championship.

To the locker room, where Edge is admiring his new belt. "Dude, dude, how exciting is this? Not only are we seven-time tag team champions, the greatest tag team champions in the history of the World Wrestling Federation, but first we won the King of the Ring, then last night at SummerSlam, we won the intercontinental championship, and tonight I'M gonna win singles gold when I beat that chumpstain Matt Hardy and become the European champion." "All right, well, good luck man." "Thanks! Hey - get some sodas on ice - I'll be back in a little bit." "Okay." "Almost forgot old senorita trophy." "Knock 'em dead, tiger."

STONE COLD TRIBUTE: Shawn Stasiak takes 43 takes to get his piece down - and they show ALL of them. Strangely enough, the board says "8-6-01" which was hmmmmmmm two weeks ago "...and it's only a matter of time...that Shawn Stasiak makes his mark. Thank you, Steve."

To WWF New York we go!

MICK FOLEY is inside. He says HE never kicked out of the Stone Cold Stunner, so to see Angle do it three times - well, it was pretty inspirational. (Or pretty business exposing, he may have wanted to add, but didn't.) He thinks Angle is unstoppable.

NEXT: The Rock takes on Lance Storm!

It's a brand new show at a brand new time - WWF EXCESS debuts Saturday at 10 - the guest host is Triple H and it will be LIVE and INTERACTIVE! (Unless you're in the Pacific time zone like ME, in which case you're SCREWED)

WCW CHAMPIONSHIP: LANCE STORM (with Earlier Tonight & RAW Credits & Transmitido En Espanol SAP) v. THE ROCK (with TV-14-DLV & CC boxes) - Rock rushes the ring and it's on - Storm ready for him with forearms to the back of the head - right, into the ropes, reversed, clothesline by the Rock, clothesline, into the ropes, Samoan Drop - 1, 2, kickout. Rock kicks the ribs, right, into the ropes, reversed, Rock ducks the clothesline, Storm ducks a clothesline, Storm with a superkick (!) and Rock goes outside. Storm outside, rolls Rock back in, 1, 2, NO! Clearasil Double Feature of the kick. Storm right, Rock blocks, right, right, right, into the opposite corner, but Storm gets an elbow up. Second rope clothesline gets 2. LIVE on TSN! Storm dares Rock to get up - kick to the head - another kick. One more boot to the head. Rock fires back, right, right, right, right, Storm blocks the next one, right, right, right, right, right, "Stay down!", but he doesn't - Rock meets him coming off the ropes with the spinebuster. Referee "Blind" Brian Hebner puts on the count - they stir at six - and are up at eight. Rock with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT NO Storm ducks - but Rock doesn't miss the second time. Into the ropes, Storm tries a reversal, Rock ducks the swing, gutshot, DDT, 1, 2, Storm kicks out! Storm manages a knee in the midsection, right, right, right, right, pulling out of the corner - Rock reverses and pulls Storm into ROCK BOTTOM - whoops, it's over. 1, 2, 3. (3:09) Replay of the end of the match. Rock calls to the back - BOOKER WEE, as Ross called him, comes out. Rock directs the midget into performing the People's Elbow on Storm - unfortunately, he trips over Storm as he comes off the ropes. Rock calls him back over - "next time, you JUMP - JUMP over him" Storm gets up - Rock gives him another spinebuster to keep him down. Here comes mini-Booker - and there goes an amusing variation on the People's Elbow. Play the Rock's music again! Rock demands another spinaroonie - this one isn't as good. Rock: "Nah, that's bullshit - one more!" So he gets one more.

TONIGHT: Austin Appreciation Night CONTINUES

Let's Take A Special Video Look at Saturn's Separation from Moppy - whose countenance now graces milk cartons across our nation

WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: CHRISTIAN (with Edge's music - and Edge's trophy - and RAW is WAR is brought to you by PlayStation 2, M&M's, and Lugz!) v. MATT HARDY (with Lita) - "Greetings to all my fans in Sacramento! Now we all know you people are paying hundreds of millions of dollars to Chris Webber....for a championship you know he's NEVER gonna win...but worry not, my friends, because tonight, I'm gonna win the European championship free of charge!" Lita remembers to limp; good for her - AND the creepy Chyna headband is gone, too! Hardy turns his back to Christian to make eyes at his girlfriend, and Christian makes him pay with a knee in the back - right, right, right, stomp. Hardy fires back, right, right, right - off the ropes, ducks a clothesline by Christian, gutshot, swinging neckbreaker off the ropes for 2. Into the ropes, reversed, Christian puts him through the ropes to the floor, but he lands on his feet...Hardy pulls Christian out by his ankles, right, runs at him but Christian drops down and gives Hardy a drop toehold into the STEEL steps. Back in the ring we go - 1, 2, no. Christian right, right, right, right, right, right, right - cover, 2. 1, 2, no. Boot to the head, again, right to the back of the head. You know what, Heyman needs to SHUT UP about how great "WWF vs. WWF" matches are for the Alliance, because there have been FIFTY YEARS of "WWF vs. WWF" matches and BESIDES, they've already proven that having Alliance vs. Alliance matches is RATINGS POISON. Christian pulls Hardy up - Hardy tries to come back with shots to the body - right, right, right, block, right, block, right, catches Christian's kick, spins into a discus right, right, off the ropes, ducks, sitout clothesline, into the ropes, Christian FINALLY manages a kick - up and over, going for the Tomokaze, but Hardy shoves him off - gutshot, going for the Twist of Fate but Christian shoves HIM off - into the corner is reversed, but Christian gets the elbow up - feet on the ropes - 1, 2, referee "Blind" Jimmy Korderas manages to catch the illegalosity and halts his count...much to Christian's consternation. After a brief discussion, he decides to try to throw Korderas into Hardy - but Hardy pulls up without making contact. Then he pulls Korderas' head out of the way of an oncoming clothesline, which he ALSO ducks... Christian ducks a swing, and hits a Slop Drop - leg is hooked - 1, 2, NO! Christian: "Shit!" Christian waiting for him to get up - going for that Tomokaze AGAIN, but Hardy counter out, Twist of Fate, 1, 2, 3! (2:39) Lita gimps over to celebrate. Christian throws a major league tantrum in the ring.

Still shots Take Us Back to last night's WWF Championship match - a match which, I must say, had a GREAT, LOGICAL ending that ADVANCED A STORYLINE - and, dare I offer *kudos* to Nick Patrick for having the COURAGE to do what Earl Hebner, Mike Chioda and Tim White could not.

Booker T has finally arrived...and finds himself greeted by snickers from every random person he passes by - unfortunately, he's not yet aware of what's been going on...

MICHAEL KING COLE is backstage with Diamond Dallas Page. "One on one. Me. DDP....And Sara. Now, even though last night's endeavour... I wouldn't consider successful, and I am...hurtin' like hell off that cage, it all pays off tonight. You see, Cole, Sara requested this match. You think she wants to hurt me? No, you idiot, she doesn't wanna hurt me - she doesn't wanna beat on me - she wants to BE with me. She wants to feel her BODY up against mine - she wants to feel flesh to flesh. It's obvious that's why she requested this." How's he feel about Undertaker accompanying his wife to the ring? "That doesn't concern me. The only thing that's better than me gettin' my hands all over Sara, is gettin' to do it in front of her old man, 'cause he's gotta watch. Now I know he's gonna be watching his precious little gem. I KNOW he's gonna wanna protect her. But...sometimes you gotta pay the price to fulfill the fantasy. And that works for me."

STONE COLD TRIBUTE: Tazz appreciates that Austin unleashed the Tazz within, thanks to his tough love. "Thank you, Stone Cold...thank you for making me tougher than I already was."

To the Commissioner's office we go. "Very handsome, aren't I. Mother says so, she's showing all her friends. What part are you looking at about me?" Tajiri reveals the Terri pictorial. "You filthy swine, put it down, you'll go blind. What's the matter with you. What the bloody hell do you want?" It's Booker T barged in. "You saw what happened, man - the whole world saw it. The Rock stole something from me...the WCW title, and I want a rematch tonight. Can U dig that? Tonight!" "You're too late, sunshine, the Rock's already successfully defended his WCW championship against Lance Storm." "What the hell you talkin' about, man." "In fact, your quest for the WCW Championship has...come up a little short." We pause for snickers. "Yo man, I want some answers. Ever since I got here today, people've been laughing and snickering. I wanna know what the hell is goin' on right now." "You mean you don't know?" "No I DON'T KNOW." "Well the Rock came to the ring, and he had this little fellow with him, he looked just like you." "What?" "And he had these little bowlegs, he looked like a boomerang, and he could have stopped a pig running down a back alley..." "You think you're funny, don't you." "...he was dancing around, wasn't he--" "Yo what the HELL you laughing at? You think that's funny? You just dissed the Bookerman. Bookerman no like that. And you know what? I'm so mad right now, I'm so frustrated, I'm gonna take it out on somebody, and guess what - you gonna be that somebody. TONIGHT, I want you in a match, sucka. YEAH! YEAH!" Tajiri removes his shirt and pulls away his pants to reveal his tights. "What the hell---? You know what, I ain't gonna even put my gear on for this. YO ASS belong to me." "He'll - he'll...he'll be along shortly! Sucka!" Regal can't help another bout of snickering.

Tough Enough ad - Mick Foley guests! This is right before EVERYBODY leaves

It's the WWF LIVE! Thursday SmackDown! is LIVE from Denver, Friday is Wichita, Saturday is Des Moines, Sunday Ft. Wayne, RAW is in Grand Rapids, and Tuesday it's Detroit! Yikes - six straight nights can't be much fun...can it?

NAPPY T v. TAJIRI - "Every since I came to the WWF, I've got nothing but DISrespected! And tonight, all of that will change because tonight, the Bookerman wants his respect! So what I want is for Tajiri to get his ass out here RIGHT NOW." T removes his shirt but remains in street clothes everywhere else. "Now Tajiri, I wanna let you know, you just got threw from the frying pan into the fire." Aha, T throws his shirt at Tajiri, then kicks while his vision is obscured - smart. Forearm. Tajiri kicks back - there he goes, kick left right kick right left kick left right kick right left kick left right kick right left kick, into the ropes NO T holds the rope and kicks Tajiri back instead. Tajiri sent into the ropes - Tajiri into the handspring...but when he bounces off, T forearems the back of his head, sending him crashing to the mat. T rubbing his face in the mat - repeated blows to the back of the head (five), even shoving away referee "Blind" Charles Robinson when he tries to step in. T tosses Tajiri over the top to the outside...and follows. "You wanna laugh at something?" Knee to the gut, forearm to the back, head to the post. It's all good, baby. Running kick, another kick, right, right, right, right, right, right. T picks him up - and rams him shoulder first into the STEEL steps. Kick, kick, kick, kick. Robinson is *screaming* for T to take it back into the ring, but he's not listening. "Booker sux" chant. Ross: "He should have been disqualified MINUTES AGO!" (Match time thus far: about 1:20) T finally puts Tajiri back in the ring...but stays out on the floor, unleashing repeated overhead forearms to Tajiri's chest. T back in - BIG WOW catapult into the bottom rope. T laying some verbal smack down that makes me glad the children are in bed. Tree of Woe time - T outside, grabbing his shirt and choking away on Tajiri. Ross proclaims this "not a wrestling match - this is an assault! This could happen in Central Park!" Ross is RACIST! Robinson *again* leaves the ring in an attempt to restore order - and *this* time, T gives him a HARD shove, putting him on his keister. Well, that's all Robinson will take. (DQ 2:44) T back in - kick to the gut - glare - off the ropes with the axe kick. T down on one knee - his head is shaking....but there will be no breakdancing tonight. Play his music! T continues to cast a steely glare. Commentators wonder if Rock will get the message. This match was very "Wrestling Challenge" and I dug it. Sucka.

Sara continues to limber up. She's been doing this, what, an hour? Here's her supporting husband. "Hey. You warm?" "Gettin' there." "You sure you wanna do this thing." "Damn right I wanna do this!" "Then I wanna see you kick his ass. Let's go." Did Taker just roll his eyes before he left to follow his wife?

Hey hey, time for the FRAM FRAM OF THE WEEK - from SummerSlam, we take a few clips from the hardcore ladder match...won by Rob van Dam.

DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE (with Clarasil presents Unforgiven - 23 September!) v. SARA (with Taker - on That Beautiful Rude American Bike) - Page is a little gimpy - and by "a little" I mean "a whole bunch." Funny, they can usually roll out the ride without having to remove the stage...can that be it? Page has a mic. "Hold on, sport. Before you start this, I got something I wanna say to Sara. C'mere, c'mere - I'm not - hey - I wanna talk to you. Just wanna talk to ya. Come a little closer. Since I'm such a sport myself, and you want to get PHYSICAL with me...I'm gonna give you the first shot. Right here, baby. Right here, I'm BEGGIN' ya, right here. You wanna get it in?" Slap. "HA ha ha ha ha ha...Ohhhh - thank you Sara. May I have another?" Another slap puts him down - he pops up and shoves HER down - Taker on the apron, but Sara tells him to get back down. Sara assumes the Ken Shamrock fighting stance - swing and a miss, swing and a miss, Page grabs her head and walks her over to the corner - Taker on the apron AGAIN and this time Page sneaks in a back elbow to the mush, putting him on the floor. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner (yep, this is a main event) now spends a lot of time talking to Sara - behind his back, Taker pulls Page out by his ankles - soupbone, left, soupbone, left, soupbone, left, soupbone, left, soupbone, left, soupbone, left, soupbone, left, soupbone, left, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone. Page tries a swing...and misses. That's a chokeslam on the floor, folks. Taker puts Page in, and says "ring the damn bell" - and there's the bell. Sara folds up Page's arms, Undertaker style and does a pushup over him - 1, 2, 3. No bell, oh well - call it (:06). ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN'

The members of the Alliance are WALKING!

Excess ad - visit to learn how to email your questions to Triple H

Drowning Pool - and let this be the LAST time the Bodies hit the floor - plays to accompany the arrival of MRS. AUSTIN, STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT, IT'S ALL ABOUT PAUL and then the rest of TEAM W/ECW - looks like they're all wearing Austin shirts - well, the men, anyway. The Alliance members surround the ring, which contains the first three people I mentioned. Guess who speaks first? "The Alliance appreciates your love, because tonight - TONIGHT is Stone Cold Steve Austin appreciation night! Now if you look through history, you will see great leaders - MEN like Alexander the Great, MEN like Julius Caeser, MEN like Richard Nixon - MEN who could LEAD their men, MEN who could inspire other men, but there's never been a man - never, in history, not since Biblical times that has ever led a FORCE like the Alliance...until now. Ladies and gentelemen, it is an honour, it is a pleasure, and it is a privlige to introduce to you YOUR WWF Champion, a leader amongst men, ladies and gentlemen, STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN!" Austin hits all four corners. "First of all, sir, thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule to allow us to appreciate you, and Stone Cold, I have to tell you personally how much I appreciate what you've done for this industry...but I'm on the only one. Your men, sir, that you have led to greatness, that you are giving all this opportunity to - they all appreciate you as well. And we have gifts for you. We have gifts - Hurricane! Hurricane, come up here! Hurricane - Hurricane, sir, has a gift for Stone Cold Steve Austin." Happy Birthday, Hulk! "Mr. Austin, my whole life my hero, my idol has been the Green Lantern, but with your actions last night at SummerSlam, your leadership, and your dedication to the Alliance, I've made a decision. From this day forward, YOU'RE my new hero, Stone Cold Steve Austin! And I got somethin' that I want you to have - this is my own personal Green Lantern T-shirt - this is my own Green Lantern T-shirt, and I want you to have it. For I have a new T-shirt that I'm gonna wear from now on." Helms removes his shirt to reveal...he too is wearing a Stone Cold Steve Austin shirt. Paul: "Oh, look at this!" Helms gives the shirt to Austin, then gives him a hug - Austin doesn't return the hug, but he does smile at Helms. Paul continues: "You are a respectful and appreciative young man, Helms. You really are. You're a hell of a Hurricane. That's not all. There's more. Do you know why there's more? Because unlike the WWF, Stone Cold Steve Austin, we appreciate you, sir. And someone here appreciates you almost more than anybody. Who appreciates Steve Austin more than Kanyon? Come on up, Kanyon - come on in!" "I'm sorry...I'm a little choked up, I mean I can't believe I'm in the ring with Stone Cold Steve Austin. Stone Cold - Steve - for years, the question has always been 'who better than Kanyon.' Last night, FINALLY, I think that question was answered - it's you, Stone Cold, it's you. So I think - I think I speak for everyone here, and everyone everywhere, when I ask the new question for the ages [reveals shirt] 'Who Better Than Austin?'" Another shirt over Austin's shoulder - another one-way hug. "You're a good man, Kanyon, you know... That question has to be rhetorical because we all know, especially Kurt Angle knows, ain't nobody better than Stone Cold Steve Austin. And you know what, sir? If I may take the liberty of saying so, there's an old saying that behind every great man is a great woman, and tonight, sir, I would like the privlige of introducing to the world, and to you publicly, Mrs. Rattlesnake, ladies and gentlemen, someone that has a gift for you, ladies and gentlemen, Stone Cold Steve Austin's wife, the lovely and talented Debra!" "From the bottom of my heart, I know you worked really hard last night to beat Kurt Angle, and you're really sore and tired from it all, and to show my love and appreciation I stayed up all last night AGAIN and baked these famous Debra cookies for you. I know you love them." Austin is reluctant to take the tray. "Take 'em! Yeah! They're good, I promise." Debra with the buss on the cheek. Ross dares Austin to eat one and show how tough he really is. Paul with the save: "I know how much you want to eat those...but, but before you do, I don't want you to get a sugar rush, because the Alliance has prepared a rush for you, the likes of which you can't imagine. A video tribute to the greatest leader the sports entertainment industry has ever known! You paid for it - it was paid for, it was purchase, the Alliance spent its money, and if we could roll it right up there, I want you, Stone Cold, to see just how much we appreciate your grand accomplishments. Okay, let's roll that footage for Stone Cold!"

Let Us Take a Special Video Look at Austin Causing Mayhem and Carnage - when do they give him the motorcycle with his picture on it? Will Austin kiss Heyman? Will leaflets fall from the ceiling? Will Rick Rude come back from the dead? Will I realise I'm mixing up my continuity?

Heyman with the handshake. "Thank you for all you've done for us. Thank you for the opportunity that you've granted us. And thank you for giving me the honour of introducing to the world the woman that paid for that video, the co-owner of the Alliance, Ms. Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley!" Thanks, Guy Smiley. "Thank you for the introduction, Paul - but this night isn't about me. This night is about Stone Cold Steve Austin! That's why I want all of the members of the Alliance to get in the ring right now - this is Austin Appreciation Night - this is your night!" And so they do. "Now Stone Cold, that video - and more importantly, your performance last night at SummerrSlam - the way you, you RAN Kurt Angle into the mat, the way you BASHED his head into the ringpost and BLOODIED his face, I mean - you ARE the WWF Champion, you are the leader of the Alliance and you are an INSPIRATION! That's why we've all gotten together and we've put together a little song for you. For you - Stone Cold Steve Austin. LILIAN GARCIA, are you back there? Lilian, please come into the ring. Get in the ring! GET - IN THE RING, thank you Lilian. Stone Cold, you've heard the song Wind Beneath My Wings? Well, the Alliance's version is called Wind Beneath Our Ring. Lilian, would you please look at the screen and follow our leader." The music begins - looks like a little karaoke action. Austin BEAMS as the members of the Alliance behind him start waving their arms. Ross: "I need a little Maalox - Maalox, please! How 'bout a Pepto? JR needs Pepto?" We look at the EntertainmentTron, where "follow the bouncing ball" is replaced with the head of Austin bouncing along the words. Stephanie quickly cuts off Garcia. "Okay, no no no, Lilian I'm sorry - please stop. Stop - stop the music, please. Lilian, where's your HEART? Where's your SOUL? This is a song for the leader of the Alliance, Stone Cold Steve Austin. No offense, Lilian, but we need a singer the likes of...Barbra Streisand! We need a singer the likes of Bette Midler herself! And I know that singer...ladies and gentlemen, allow ME [Ross: "Oh my God, not that"] to lead you in song! Please start the - start the song from the beginning." Oh boy, this'll be a treat. Still, the shot of all the men of the Alliance arm-in-arm, waving their arms - very Promise Keepers - very, very amusing. "It's very cold here in your shadow / But you spread the sunlight on our face / We are content to let you shine (that's our way) / We always walk one step behind. Sing it Chavo!" "You are the one with all the glory" "That's right, all the glory, now Terri!" "You are the one with all the fame" "ALLLL THE FAME! Raven!" "A beautiful face that has no shame" "No shame, no shame, Justin!" "A beautiful smile every time Angle's in pain!" "EVERYBODY!" "Did you ever know that you're our hero / You're everything we would like to be / We can fly higher than an eagle / 'cause you are the wind beneath our ring." "Oh yes, oh yes!" "'Cause you are the wind....beneath our ring." The bouncing head gets bigger and bigger until it fills the entire EntertainmentTron. "YES! YES! That's for you, Stone Cold - we put that together for you." "Thank you. This is...this is one of the proudest moments of my life. I look in this ring and I see family. I see - I see people I feel good with. People that appreciate me. People that love me! It's a family, and I'm gonna tell you something from the bottom of my heart, when I was beatin' the living hell out of Kurt Angle last night, I did it - I did it for you. I did it for each and every one of you!" Crowd starts an "Angle" chant. "I did it for the Alliance! Look atchya, ya make me so proud - everybody's got an ECW/WW/WCW/Stone Cold shirt on - everybody's flyin'..." Austin stops as everyone in the ring suddenly realises that Tazz has broken the dress code with is orange T-shirt. "What are you doin'? What? What kinda shirt is that on your chest? What? What kinda shirt is that? What? Is that a Stone Cold shirt? Is that an ECW shirt? Is that a WCW shirt? What? I thought we were here to appreciate Stone Cold Steve Austin, what? I said I thought we were here to appreciate Stone Cold Steve Austin? What?" He rips the shirt. "Take that stupid shirt off! Take that shirt off. What? I said take the damn shirt off. You're damn right it's your bad, take the stupid shirt off. I wanna--" KURT ANGLE's music interrupts at this point...where is he? HE'S the guy behind the wheel of the MILK DELIVERY WAGON! Angle drives up to the ring - backs up a bit - then exits - and starts throwing CARTONS OF MILK at the ring! Heey - Crystal milk! It's LOCAL! Here comes Shawn Stasiak - Angle steps aside and rams him into the front of the truck. (Guy in crowd: "You suck, Meat!") - Angle's got a hose - and he's *spraying the ring with milk!* Ross: "Milkamania is running wild! It's Milkman Madness, my God! You've Got Milk! The Million Dollar Prince has become a Dairy Queen!" Man, I hope Lilian Garcia made it out before that started - well, actually, I don't care either way. Hee hee! Angle climbs onto the hood of the milk truch with a red, white and blue cooler in hand as everyone in the ring (except Austin) slips and falls. "This is what I'm talking about - this is what I'm talking about - woooo!" A quart in each hand - and making as Austin would with a pair of beers! ANOTHER quart poured on Angle! And all Austin can look really, really pissed. "Kurt Angle is the Olympic Dairy Man! Milkomania has run wild on RAW! Stone Cold will not forget this night!" War Zone credits up - and we're out.

I wish we'd gotten one last shot of the tray of cookies....and MILK

Hey, that got a lot better towards the end there.


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