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TONIGHT: RAW is in San Antonio and before you can remember the Alamo, two big matches have already been announced - Team Xtreme tag on The Hurricane, Lance Storm & Ivory in one; and the Undertaker and Booker T collide in the other! Don't worry, friends - Ross says Austin, Angle and Rock will be seen tonight as well. Stay tuned!

TV-14-DLV - CC - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

Clip package details Austin's bad week - shoved into a pool....and jobbin' to RVD

Opening Credits

PYRO AWAY and so are we - coming to you LIVE from the Freeman Colesium in San Antonio, TX and transmitido en espanol SAP on TNN & TSN (and also at WWF New York) 10.9.1 - are you excited? What? RAW IS WAR

TONIGHT: Undertaker vs. Booker T! But first...

STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN & MRS. AUSTIN lead TEAM W/ECW to the ring - they inside, them around. All four corners get the closest look they'll probably ever get at the WWF Championship belt. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say Austin will say a few words as well - oh look. "After everything that happened to Stone Cold Steve Austin last week...I said after everything that happened to Stone Cold Steve Austin last week, I guess you think I'm ashamed to be standing right here in the middle of this ring. Ya probably think that I'm ashamed because a fellow Alliance member beat me in the middle of the ring last week (glares at van Dam). I guess you think I'm ashamed of the fact that I was almost thrown off a bridge last week. Ya probably think I'm ashamed of the fact that I begged in front o' the world. Ya probably think that I'm ashamed because I cried. ... My name is Stone Cold Steve Austin....I am the World Wrestling Federation Champion WHAT? What? And I'll tell ya what I'm ashamed of...I'm ashamed of very single person in this arena. That's right I'm ashamed of ya! I'm ashamed of ten million people sittin' in their homes right now watchin' Stone Cold Steve Austin on TV." "Austin sux!" chant. "What?" "Austin sux!" "What?" "Austin sux!" "What?" "Austin sux!" "I am ashamed of the fact - I'm ashamed o' SHUT UP! I'm ashamed of the fact that you people will be cheering for Kurt Angle at Unforgiven." Austin holds the belt high again. "I'm ashamed that you'll be cheering for Kurt Angle to take the World Wrestling Federation championship from Stone Cold Steve Austin - what? I'll tell you what I'm really ashamed of, and it's people taking credit for something they do not deserve...RVD. Get your ass in this ring." And so, he does. "I guess you...are probably pretty proud of yourself." van Dam nods. "Heheh. You're pretty proud of the fact that you beat Stone Cold Steve Austin in the middle of my ring last week. I gotta question for ya, what? I said I gotta question for ya. (Crowd: "What?") Who the hell do you think you are?" "I KNOW who I am - I'm Points To Self." "Oh you're Rob van Dam. You're RVD." Austin gets close. "I don't like you." Austin goes to walk away...but van Dam grabs his wrist and pulls the mic back to his face. "I don't like you either." Austin takes his free hand and removes van Dam's from his arm. Big "RVD" chant. "You don't like me? You don't like Stone Cold Steve Austin?" Austin hands his belt to Debra...then directs van Dam to put his own belt down. It's on now...oh, no, it's not. Austin gives van Dam a BIG OL' HUG. van Dam expresses surprise, then discomfort, then fails to return the hug. "Ya see that's what I like. This man has got some confidence - that's what I like. Ya got confidence because I give you confidence. That's what I like about you RVD, that's what I like. And since you've got so much confidence, since you believe in yourself so much, because you're RVD...I guess you got enough confidence right here tonight to challenge Kurt Angle to a match, right here tonight in San Antonio, Texas...whaddaya got to say about that?" "It would be an HONOUR to compete with such a great athlete as Kurt Angle." "See that's what I like, I give this man confidence and he challenged Kurt Angle tonight, here in San Antonio, Texas - all he got to do is accept. I love it. This is what I want in the Alliance members, I want confidence - who else got some confidence around here, who...come on in here, big man!" It's Test. "You got confidence, you got something to say? Tell the world, brother!" "Stone Cold...I'm a confident person - and tonight, I got confidence aboot....the Rock." "The who?" "The Rock. Now don't get me wrong..." "Rock E!" "Don't let these people bother ya; finish what you got to say." "Don't get me wrong, I already know Shano and Booker T have a handicap match booked against the Rock for the WCW title at Unforgiven...and that's cool, because Rock, you can keep your little belt - I just wanna kick your ass." "Ha ha ha - you wanna kick his what? You got anything else you wanna say, big man?" "Actually, yeah. Lookin' around, I can honestly say...nothing good has ever come out of the state of Texas!" "Ha ha ha ha - ha ha - he's talking 'bout you people, he ain't talking 'bout me! That's what I like! Anybody else out there got some confidence? Any one of my Alliance members got - come on in, Kanyon, you got something to say? This is Alliance Night, whatchyoo got on your mind?" "Stone Cold, you are an inspiration. I mean, because of you, I'm feeling so confident tonight, I'm feeling so confident, I'm gonna put out an open challenge to any WWF 'superstar' who thinks they can take my US title from me." "You heard what the man says! That's what I call confidence. You got anything you wanna add to that?" "Yeah, Steve. I'm THROWIN' out that open challenge, just like Kurt Angle tried to throw you off the bridge last Monday night." "Heh heh - okay okay, that's confidence, that's what I want outta you guys. Anybody else out here got some confidence?" Tazz steps up to the apron. "Come on in here, Tazz. You got something you wanna say?" "You know I never had a problem with confidence, but ah - there's something I gotta say. You know, I think it's, ah, there's a good possibility, come Unforgiven, that Kurt Angle is not only gonna kick your ass, he possibly's gonna take your title also." "What? You said what?" "I think there's a chance that Kurt Angle just might kick your ass at Unforgiven." Austin rubs his head as if suddenly feeling a pain - or a couple of extra faces on his head. "Well, that's...that's the confidence I've been talking about - each one of my Alliance members has this proper--" KICK WHAM STUNNER for Tazz and down he goes. Austin sic's the other three men on Tazz for a three-way stompdown...then gets in some stomping of his own. Austin drops down to address Tazz. "Yeah I got confidence I'm gonna beat Kurt Angle's ass at Unforgiven, just like I got confidence in every one of these guys in this ring. You understand me? Test, hit him with the boot. Hold him up! Fivestar, RVD, fivestar that sum(beep)." Austin's music plays...and he gets one more boot in on Tazz' body as everybody leaves.

TONIGHT: Undertaker vs. Booker T! What do you MEAN we said that already?

"Baywatch" marathon - 100% Pamela? Oh, man - everybody KNOWS that the only "Baywatch" worth watching is SHAWN WEATHERLY "BAYWATCH"

And now, the WWF Boot of the Week! From RAW last week, Christian chases off HE can get in the chairshot on Edge. Thanks, Lugz!

CHRISTIAN v. THA 1 BILLY GUNN - "Christian / Christian / At last, you're on your own!" Christian's got some new music in operatic fashion, complete with English subtitles for the (Italian?) lyrics - the cameraman helpfully keeps the EntertainmentTron in full sight for you and I to read.... "The storm around me has finally passed / And now my future is in front of me / No longer bound by my brother / The world, the world, the world... / The world is mine at last / Ha, ha, ha, ha" Edge is still recovering from the One-Man Conchairto he received last week, we are told. I'm still inclined to completely blow off calling Billy Gunn matches but I suppose this is a significant match for Christian, so here we go: Gunn his the ring and Christian pounces - overhand forearm, right, right, right, right, right, right, into the opposite corner, reversed, Gunn with a clothesline, facefirst to the mat, stomp, stomp, stomp, into the ropes, Christian ducks, big hiptoss by Gunn for 2. Right, right, right, right, got him by the hair...there's the jackhammer (half hour variant) ...but only for 2! Christian put in the corner - right hand, right, words for referee "Blind" Teddy Long, into the opposite corner with Christian...big splash - NOBODY home. Christian with the Christian (perpendicular) backbreaker. Stomp, stomp, stomp. Forearm in the back. Standard backbreaker for 2. Right hand. Choke on the second rope for 4. Right to the face - stomp, stomp, stomp. Christian stands on the back of the head for 4. Gunn with a gutshot, another, another from the knees...Christian rakes the eyes to stop that. Gunn brought to his feet and put in the corner - right, right, right, Gunn fires back with a right, right, right, off the ropes but Christian hits a gutshot - is he going for the banned piledriver? Well, it doesn't matter because Gunn counters the attempt with a double leg...and a WOW catapult into the corner. Both men are motionless - LISTEN TO THAT CROWD! - and after FIFTEEN SOLID SECONDS OF NOTHING - finally Christian is over to take a right from Gunn - another right - Christian into the ropes - big back body drop...clothesline gets Gunn a loooong 2. Christian put into the corner, elbow up by Christian...but he runs into the tilt-a-whirl slam. 1, 2, no. Gunn making the international sign of the Fame-Ass'er by tapping his knee - off the ropes - Christian pulls Long into Gunn's oncoming path and he has to pull up short. Christian retreating to the corner - Gunn moving in - Christian double leg, two feet on the second rope - 1, 2, 3! (4:17) Wow, Christian is the new Jerry Lynn! The celebration is cut short, however, as Gunn pops back up with a lariat and a right - another clothesline puts Christian outside. This match isn't over, apparently, in Gunn's mind - Christian dropped on the barricade. Gunn grabs a handful of hair and drags Christian to the STEEL steps - going for The One and Only off the steps but just in the nick of time, Christian's trick knee acts up. Gunn shoved into the barricade off the steps - Christian secures a chair and WHACK right in the head. Long isn't having much luck getting Christian to stop; in fact, he's now got a SECOND chair and I think we all know what's coming next. Chair under Gunn's head - WHACK!! Man, that One-Man Conchairto looks PAINFUL. Christian's look is...unemotional. Big Show fails to run out and save Gunn, so I guess that tag team is finished for sure.

To a dressing room we go, where Test and Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley are watching on a monitor...I smell an impromptu acting competition! "Steph, did you just see that?" "How could I have missed it?" "Did you see the way Christian just destroyed Billy Gunn?" "It was very impressive." "It was. And Steph, that's exactly what I'm gonna do to the Rock tonight." "Do tell!" "But I'll still leave it up to Shane and Booker to bring the WCW title back. I just wanna soften him up." "(laughs) Hmm hmm hmm." "But Steph, I really do have to thank you." "Thank me?" "Yeah. YOU...breakin' up with ME...was the best thing that could ever have happened! It toughened me up. And Steph...ever since I joined the career has been on a roll." "You know what, Test, you're right. Your career HAS been on a roll. That's why I came in here tonight. And if you really wanna soften the Rock up, let's up the stakes." "Yeah." "Let's make it a handicap match. Let's, let's give the Rock a little taste of what Shane and Booker are gonna do to him at Unforgiven." "Yeah." "We'll even let the Rock choose any member of the Alliance to team with you tonight." "Mmmmm - a handicap match." "Mmm hmm!" "Steph, that's a great idea...and it's ideas like that that make you the most dominant female in this business." "Let's make sure that the Rock doesn't make it to Unforgiven." "Oh, we will." And they shake hands.

Okay, first of all Stephanie really wants you to check out her cleavage. Second of all, if Test's career has been on such a roll, why would he need help to beat the Rock? (Well, because there's only so much you can do with a shoehorn.) What's that? (C'mon, I'll bet you A MILLION DOLLARS I know who the Rock will pick for Test's partner.) Oh. OHHHHHHHHHHH shit you're right. Third of all, if they're gonna try to spring CONTINUITY on us by reminding us - YET again - that Stephanie left Test, wouldn't it at least help if she ALSO called him "Andrew?" Or does continuity only work when it's used at 50% strength? Last but not least, IF ROCK DOESN'T MAKE IT TO UNFORGIVEN THEN BOOKER CAN'T GET THE TITLE BACK AND MY HEAD HURTS NOW Really, if you MUST book at Test/Stephanie vs. Rock match - and apparently, you MUST - there's got to be at least ONE way to better write it into effect than with this God-awful, hideous backstage vignette THING segment. Now we're moving into "say something about Stephanie and writing" territory which I try to avoid at all costs, so it's time I took a deep breath and attempted to move on.

HEY HEY Team Xtreme is WALKING! "LIVE for the WOMEN?" That's an odd thing for Lita to have on her T-shirt....OHHHH "LIVE for the MOMENT..." my bad.

Chef Boyarkane ad

Moments Ago, five paragraphs ago - Ross actually says Christian deserves to be "fined and suspended" - well it's about TIME somebody mentioned fines and suspensions around here!

Backstage, Storm (walking!) and Hurricane (LEAPING into ACTION!) share a few laughs. See if you can figure out who is who in the following exchange! "Look, I just wanted to say - I think you're doing a great job. I mean, what better way to illustrate the over-the-top, cartoonish nature of the World Wrestling Federation than by mocking them and pretending to be a superhero? I mean, you're throwin' it right in their face - it's pure genius!" "THANK you, Citizen Storm! And I appreciate you're joining me in the fight against evil and injustice. But my Hurrisenses are confused! What to you mean 'pretending' to be a superhero? Are you denying my Hurripowers? Are you saying my Hurriskills are not enough? WASSUPWITDAT? Do not be a sanctimonious nonbeliever, Citizen Storm, oh no. Have faith in the Hurricane! But first I must retrieve Sidekick Ivory, and then we go to the Hurriring!" He pivots in place...then leaps away. Storm squints.

TONIGHT: The challenge is accepted and the graphic assembled - Kurt Angle vs. Rob van Dam!

HARDY BOYZ & LITA v. HURACAN & LANCE STORM & IVORY in zesty, saucy intergender action - Ivory gets the drop on Lita to start, Matt tries to make a save but Storm forearms HIM and Ivory goes running - looks like it'll be Matt and Hurricane to start - Hurriside headlock. Crowd chants "Lita" as Hardy forearms Hurricane in the ribs to break the hold. Fear not, fans, you'll get an update on Billy Gunn's condition later in the show! Hardy powers out, but it's a Hurrishoulderblock - and a Hurripose. Off the ropes, up and over, into an armdrag by Hardy - right by Hardy, free shot from Jeff, tag to Jeff - into the corner, down on all fours for Poetry in Motion - Storm in, Storm gets a double hiptoss. Referee "Blind" Chad Patton works on getting Matt back in his corner while Jeff stays on Storm - kick, kick, into the ropes, reversed, Ivory puts a knee in the back and has no effect - but when Jeff turns around it allows Storm to get a waistlock...however, Jeff backflips out of the suplex attempt...but falls to a Hurrineckbreaker. Tag to Storm, who actually made it back to the other side of the ropes. Later tonight, Jericho and the APA take on Rhyno and the Dudley Boyz! Open kick by Storm, head to the buckle, right, right, right, Hardy tries to kick back but Storm knees him in the gut, knee, snapmares him out, legdrop, cover, 1, 2, no. Tag to Hurricane, Hurripose, open Hurrikick. Hurribackbreaker. Hurripose. Off the ropes, Hurrilegdrop, tag to Storm. Open kick, full nelson - taken over to Ivory for a slap. Hardy into the ropes, NICE dropkick by Storm...but only 2. Jeff reaches - but Storm pulls him back. Storm with a suplex. 1, 2, no. It's chinlock time! Matt and Lita lead cheers - crowd comes alive as Jeff fights back to his feet...but Storm pulls the hair and puts him back to the mat. Tag to Hurricane - scoop and a slam by Storm as Hurricane dons the cape and scales the adjacent corner...fist in the air - what a Hurrisplash! Hurricane pivots and poses...then walks back to his corner so Ivory can remove his cape. Hurricane back over to Jeff...who hits a sitout jawbreaker. NOW he'll get that HOT TAG to Matt - right for Hurricane, right for Storm, repeat, Hurricane into the corner, scoop slam, "NOW WE GO HERE" climbing up for the ahhhhhdrop but Storm hits a nice overhead kick to the back of his head before he can execute - here comes Jeff with a shove off the apron - then onto him with a pescado! Back in the ring, Hurricane is going for the Eye, but Matt blocks and counters with a death suplex. Both women want tags - tag to Ivory, tag to Lita! Clothesline by Lita, flapjack - no make that a surprise back body drop as Ivory does almost a complete flip at the LAST moment...right by Lita, right, into the ropes is reversed, Ivory swings her up..but ends up in a headscissors from Lita. Lita with a whip, reversed, reversed back and Lita hits a side Russian legsweep - 1, 2, Storm breaks it up by stomping on Lita! Oooh! Lita put on top - Storm wants a superplex and Ross is pretty chauvanistic considering this is an intergender match - Jeff makes the save before it can happen anyway - running powerbomb! Hurricane back in with a super(hero)kick to Jeff - Lita's off the top with the scaryrana for Hurricane - Ivory has the Euro title but before she can conk Lita Matt heads her off - and delivers a Twist of Fate (Ross is strangely silent) - Lita up for the moonsault - 1, 2, 3. (La Jolla 6:19) It's quite possible that we will turn to THIS match as the turning point in the WWF/Alliance war - or maybe not

LOOK! It's an exciting DOOR! And Kevin Kelly is NOT standing in front of it!

Tough Enough ad - Steve Austin appears Thursday, looks like

Somebody needs to learn to say "no" to Ben Stiller, by the way

It's the WWF live and nothing beats it! Tix on sale Saturday for Springfield, Evansville, Louisville for RAW, and Cincinnati for SmackDown!

MICHAEL KING COLE stands outside that exciting, exciting door - he knocks on the Rock's door and walks in but finds Rock buck naked, apparently - he closes the door but Rock pops out shortly thereafter. "What in the blue hell is wrong with you, Michael Cole? The Rock just got out of the shower and you just wanna barge in on the Rock, barge in on the Rock's locker room? What's the matter with you? The Rock' lookin' at the People's strudel?" "No, Rock, I wasn't looking..." "No, ahhh, ta, ta...ah. To each his own, Michael Cole, to each his own. Why don't you just give the Rock one minute, the Rock just needs one minute. Go frost your hair, do something like that. And you're worse than Lilian Garcia...Michael." Cole makes the face of a man who's just seen a flaky, paper thin pastry dough stuffed with a layer of apples, then a layer of walnuts, and finally sprinkled with lemon juice. (Golly, is that REALLY what Rock wants us to think of his dick as? Maybe someone should have caught up to Rock and said "I do not think that means what you think it means" or something.)

In the APA office, Bradshaw manages to remind us that this is Tejas and he's FROM Tejas before Chris Jericho interrupts the APA card game. Faarooq's cigar isn't lit, is it? Jericho says their six man is next - are they ready? Bradshaw finishes shooting his beer. "I am now, let's fight!" Jericho says that the APA and Stephanie have something in common - protection. "The APA sells protection, and Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley doesn't use any!" How would Jericho know....oh whatever. Faarooq slips in an obligatory "Damn" which seems unrelated to everything before this bit ends. Hey, even though Bradshaw had a full house, Faarooq got to pocket the money before leaving!

And now we're in the commissioner's office - Torrie and Tajiri are fondling each other and Regal grants Tajiri his wish to answer Kanyon's open challenge. This bit ALSO goes nowhere, so let's keep on...

Back to Cole and the Rock. "First and foremost, Michael Cole, the Rock has two very important words for you... 'eye contact.' Now the Rock has heard about this little challenge tonight, and seeing as the Rock already has a handicap match at Unforgiven against Shane McMahon and Booker T, the Rock figured tonight he'd have just a little bit of practice. But you see, Michael Cole, the question is who - WHO - is the Rock gonna choose as Test's tag team partner?" "Rock E!" Man I HOPE he chooses himself... "Who is the Rock gonna choose as Test's tag team partner? That person has to have several traits. Number one...seeing as Test is a very big and powerful man, his partner has to be fast. Number two, anyone dumb enough to team up with Test has to be EEEEEEEEEASY to manipulate. And number three, anyone who has to stand behind Test to face the Rock in a handicap match tonight, has to have CLEARLY no testicles whatsoever. So you see, Michael Cole, Test's partner has to be fast, easy, no testicles, and that person, of everyone the Rock can think about in the Alliance right now, that person has to be...Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley. So you see, Stephanie, you wanna throw a challenge at the Rock, well the Rock'll catch your challenge and throw it right back at you. You, Stephanie - tonight, you and your former fiancee Test - the happy couple, together once again, the Rock can hear the wedding song now - 'here comes the Test / and the ho with the enormous breasts...'" "Rock E!" "'watch as they go / getting their asses kicked all over San Antonioh-oh-oh....'" Cole laughs - Rock makes the "eye contact" hand motion again. "If ya smellllllalalalalowwwww what THE ROCK is cookin'."

Tough Enough 2 auditions are COMING! Send in your tape now - "don't miss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!" says Ross. "Or twice," says me. YEAH I hope that "Nas-TEE" lady applies again!

THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ and RHYNO THE MAN BEAST (with RAW Credits & transmitido en espanol SAP & TV-14-DLV & CC boxes) v. APA and CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO - My God! THIS must be that match that we'll all look back at years from now as THE PIVOTAL TURNING POINT in the WWF/Alliance shodown....ahhhhhhhh FUCK IT. I think it says something that every time says "Rhyno is the first man to pin the Rock since WrestleMania" I think to myself "Paul, you're like the ONLY guy who REMEMBERS that and anyway, I'm pretty sure that NOBODY CARES." Because the brothas always gotta fight each otha, Faarooq and D-Von Dudley start. Gutshot by D-Von, right, right, uppercut, right, right. We PROMISE an update on Billy Gunn's condition later tonight! Backhand chop, right, into the ropes, hiptoss blocked, clothesline by Faarooq. Faarooq takes over - right, into the ropes, powerslam, 1, 2, kickout. Tag to Jericho - open shot, chop, chop, kick, kick, into the opposite corner is reversed, Jericho up and over - D-Von ducks the clothesline, pokes the eyes, puts him in the unfriendly corner - Jericho delivers back elbows to Bubba Ray and Rhyno until they fall to the floor - boot up for D-Von - then Bubba Ray and Rhyno each grab an ankle, pull him to the mat, then make a wish with the ringpost. Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda misses all this because he's off in the other corner, discussing the origins of the saying "Don't Mess with Texas" with Bradshaw. Bubba Ray holding Jericho for repeated rights by Rhyno. Another right hand. Into the ropes, reversed, but Rhyno pulls Jericho into a spinebuster. 1, 2, Bradshaw breaks it up - and gets in another stomp before Chioda can start to put him back in his corner - so Bubba Ray claps the sky and comes in without a tag. Tomahawk chop, elbowdrop, elbowdrop, double sledge, 1, 2, Jericho kicks out. Dudley clamps on a headlock. "Y2J" chant. Jericho back to his feet - elbow, elbow, kick, into the ropes, reversed, Jericho manages a rollup for 2. Dudley just throws him down to the mat. Right hand, scoop...and a slam. Second rope...don't tell me he's gonna try that senton that never lands...well, we don't find out, 'cause Faarooq distracts him long enough for Jericho to pop up, elbow him in the stomach and toss him back to the mat. Chioda says "two minutes" then starts a ten count. Both men crawling - tag to Rhyno, HOT TAG to Bradshaw! That shoulderblock looks especially impressive given that Bradshaw almost tripped over the second rope on his way in, so he couldn't really pull it while he was falling to the mat. Into the ropes, back elbow, big boot for D-Von, free shot for Bubba Ray, right for Rhyno, D-Von into the ropes, ducks the clothesline, but Bradshaw catches the crossbody Rhyno a big boot as HE comes in - and finishes the fallaway slam. Bubba Ray manages a clothesline, but Faarooq comes in and hits a spinebuster. Faarooq pulled outside by D-Von while Rhyno tries to work on Bradshaw - whip into the ropes, blind tag by Jericho, Rhyno's head down and Bradshaw kicks - Jericho up top - missile dropkick! D-Von back in - backdrop by Jericho - and clotheslined out. Bubba Ray on the apron - Jericho with a springboard dropkick on Bubba Ray. Rhyno back in...running at Jericho, but he steps aside and Rhyno gores the buckle! Bradshaw in with a Hades lariat - Jericho with a Lionsault as Bradshaw hooks some horns - Jericho covers, 1, 2, 3. (4:38) Here's a replay of the final moments. MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Test paces about - Stephanie comes in and ... well, "emotes" is too strong a description. "Steph, he's got some nerve. If ANYONE in the Alliance has testicles, it's you!" Test says he's gonna go tell the Rock it's a one-on-one match - I'm SHOCKED that Test is actually showing some semblance of having brains here - but Stephanie says she WILL be his partner and she WILL kick the Rock's ass. OH BOY!

Booker T shadow boxes!

Meanwhile, Undertaker ALSO shadow boxes! But he is *also* WALKING!!

And now, the Snickers Cruncher Slam of the Week! Kronik made a shocking appearance on "SMACKDOWN - LAST THURSDAY" and I could have SWORN SmackDown! was on TUESDAY last week but maybe the graphic guy knows better...

Star Trek III is NEXT!

When we come back, we visit the Room of Fun, where Rob van Dam is paying the Austins a visit. "RVD. What ya want, you come in here to tell me you're afraid to face Kurt Angle in the ring tonight, is that what you want?" van Dam laughs at that suggestion. "GOD no, what are you kidding?" van Dam asks Austin if he should defend the hardcore championship in his match. "What do you think?" van Dam says he IS the champ, and has no problems putting the title on the line...besides, he prefers it hardcore. "You prefer it hardcore. You hear that, honey, he prefers it hardcore. You know what? If Stone Cold Steve Austin were the hardcore champion, you damn right I'd put it on the line, so I'd say yes, put it on the line!" "Thought so." "Done deal?" "Done deal, I'm puttin' it up on the line." "Good. ...You know what I see when I look at you?" "No..." "When I look at you RVD, what I five...maybe ten years, you could be the next Stone Cold Steve Austin." "Wow. Thank you very much." "You're welcome." "But I'm just fine being P...T...S." He leaves. Debra smiles wide. "What's so damn funny, I don't remember anything being funny." "Sorry...I can't help it - I think that's so cute, the way he does that - R - V - D." "Eh heh heh heh - heh heh - SIT DOWN! Sit down, it ain't funny, it ain't cute. It makes me sick."

TAKER (on his Beautiful Something Pyton bike and RAW is WAR is brought to you by Castrol Motor Oily and Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli!) v. NAPPY T - They said it twice and I STILL couldn't figure out what the heck they were saying, so I hit the Web - and finally figured out that it's a *Bourget* Python. Okay. (I guess all the motorcycle enthusiasts reading this thing stuck with WrestleLine or they'd have written me by now.) Here we go: lockup, to the corner, knee by the Taker, soupbone, back elbow, threatening glance to referee "Blind" Earl Hebner who has this THING about fighting in the corner - Booker with a gutshot, right, right, right, into the opposite corner is reversed, back elbow by by Booker - off the ropes...but into a big boot from the Taker - 1, no. T tries to roll outside but Taker catches him on the apron - but T drops down and manages a hot shot. T back in - but Taker is ready...block, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone...clothesline puts T outside. Taker out after him - head to the STEEL steps (which are standing against the barricade for some reason) - soupbone - scoop...up on the shoulder but T frees himself and runs Taker into the ringpost. Kick, head to the steps, T grabs a chair...but Hebner grabs it before he can swing and connect. T complains, but quickly gets back on him with a kick - Taker put back in the ring, T follows, right, right, right, knife-edge chop - Taker back soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone...whip is reversed, clothesline is ducked, Taker off the ropes with a flying clothesline! Did Taker just hurt himself? Left (hmmm), gutshot, into the ropes (with the left hand), head down, kick by T...T ducks the soupbone and hits the Harlem sidekick. T is feeling it...but Taker is back to his feet before he can begin. T with a gutshot, off the ropes, but Taker clotheslines him before he can start the axe kick! Into the ropes...choke...but before the chokeslam, STEVEN RICHARDS is out - soupbone puts HIM down. Taker grabs a choke, but before he can pick HIM up, T lands the AXE KICK - leg is hooked - 1, 2, 3! BOOKER T WINS!!!!!! (3:20) Richards is almost out of the ring but Taker's got his ankle..pulls him back - Last Ride coming up - no - KRONI&;gt| hit the ring and Adams hits a clothesline off the ropes to break THAT up - Clarke gets to stomping. Now they take turns. Punches by Adams - running kicks by Clarke - into the opposite corner - shoulderblock by Clarke. High Times coming up...but Richards stops them. Apparently, he wants them to put Taker through the commentary table instead. Richards rearranges the commentary table - everybody outside - Taker trying to fight back - back elbow for Clarke, soupbone for Adams, soupbone for Clarke, boot for Adams, Clarke into the barricade...but Adams pops a clothesline. Stomp. Richards helps Clarke back up as Adams puts Taker in position - one - two - HIGH TIMES through the table. No music plays. Taker is quite audible as he says "I'm okay" to Hebner. Ross: "MY GOD HE'S HURT"

Moments Ago, see previous paragraph

Outside the arena, Stephanie talks to Shane on a cel - sounds like he doesn't want her in the match, but she insists. Ooh, foreshadowing: "No, I have not talked to Hunter yet, but I'm sure my husband will be YOU should be." I think Stephanie just wanted another chance to chew on another "kick the Rock's ASS" line.

WCW US TITLE: TAJIRI (with Torrie Samuda) v. (chris) KANYON - Still no updated on Billy Gunn's condition...sorry. Lockup, to the corner...head to the gut by Kanyon, right, overhand right, right. Ross: "Right hand by Kronik - err, by Kanyon." Death suplex attempt is countered when Tajiri backflips out; here he goes...kick left right left kick left kick right left right Viscera kick! Into the corner is reversed...but Tajiri gets the boot up. Tajiri climbing up - Kanyon with a right, right, climbing up...Tajiri on his back - wow SUPER Samoan Drop! Kanyon covers, leg is hooked - 1, 2, NO! Scoop...on the shoulder...Kanyon with a running...backbreaker. Well that was kinda weird. 1, 2, no. Tajiri ducks the swing - big back kick. Into the ropes is reversed, but Tajiri hits the handspring elbow. Kanyon rolls outside - so Tajiri hits a pescado on him. I bet Tajiri just put the mist thing in his mouth there. Kanyon back in the ring - shoulder through the ropes by Tajiri - going for the sunset flip but Kanyon manages a Northern Lights suplex instead - 1, 2, Tajiri kicks out! Kanyon picking him up - into the corner - Tajiri up and over as Kanyon comes in - there's that Tarantula, which I've heard is an illegal manoeuvre. Referee "Blind" Charles Robinson gets the break. Kanyon puts up the back elbow to stop the charge, then goes outside to grab the title belt. This brings *Torrie* onto the apron to try to keep him from using the hardware...she manages to get the belt away from him, and swings....ooh, and hits Tajiri when Kanyon ducks. Leg is hooked - 1, 2, NO!! Tajiri put hard into the corner - rollup, leg is hooked, Torrie is complaining and I don't know why, oh NOW Kanyon has a foot on the rope - Torrie must be a mindreader or something! At any rate, Robinson stops the count. Kanyon has the belt again - but there's the GREEN MIST - the KICK - and the PIN. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new United States champion. (3:23) Torrie in the ring for a big ol' hug - the celebration is on.

Kane - I'm begging ya - if it didn't work the FIRST time, it ain't gonna work the SECOND time - just PUT THE CHEF BOYARDEE BIG BEEFARONI DOWN, SON

Hey LOOK! It's WWF New York!

UP NEXT: Kurt Angle vs. Rob van Dam!

Inside WWF New York, there are PEOPLE!

Here's a Special Video Look we've seen before - it's that same old story, really... boy tosses medals - boy kidnaps boy - boy challenges boy - boy inexplicably pins boy thanks to timely run-in from boy...


We come back to find the drunk cameraman staggering between Austin and van Dam, seemingly engaged in a staredown. "You know how much it pisses me off to watch that footage of you, RVD? Watch you take advantage of a situation and pin Stone Cold Steve Austin - IT SUCKS! So I want you to go out right now - I want you to beat the hell outta Kurt Angle for yourself, for the Alliance, for Stone Cold Steve Austin. I want you to beat that man like I beat him at SummerSlam - I want you to beat that man like I'm gonna beat him at Unforgiven - do I make myself clear? All that crazy hardcore crap that you do, I wanna see ya do it. So go out there and show me what you got." "That's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna beat Kurt Angle's ass tonight. Why are you so excited? I mean, that's not healthy." "I'm tryin' to get you psyched up for your match, man." "All right, but I'm ready for my match. I'm gonna take it to him - AND I'm gonna do what you couldn't do at SummerSlam - I'm gonna beat Kurt Angle 1, 2, 3. That's what I'm gonna do, 'cause I'm--" "I KNOW WHO YOU ARE! GET OUTTA HERE AND GO DO IT. AHHH ME, I KNOW IT!" Ha ha Austin RULES

UP NEXT: See previous "Up Next:" and consider the concept of "irony"

Excess ad - Saturday, The Big Show is the special guest!

It's the WWF LIVE! Tomorrow, it's Houston - Sunday Lexington, RAW in Nashville, and Tuesday it's Memphis and don'cha DARE say "Lawler!"

WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: ROB VAN DAM (with Clearasil presents Unforgiven!) v. KURT ANGLE - no word yet on Billy Gunn's condition. Sorry. Lockup, waistlock by van Dam, standing switch, three back elbows breaks it up, off the ropes but Angle catches him in a belly-to-belly overhead suplex...and van Dam decides to take a breather on the outside. Angle stays in the ring...and after some urging from referee "Blind" Tim White, van Dam is back in as well. Lockup, Angle grabs a leg - van Dam responds with an enzuigiri. Angle staggers into the corner - van Dam with a kick, kick, Euro elbow, Euro elbow, kick, block, Angle right, right, right, right, into the ropes, van Dam goes back to back up and over - Angle ducks the kick and clotheslines him down. Right, right, into the opposite corner, van Dam up and...onto Angle's shoudlers - Angle lets him flop face-first to the mat and applies the anklelock! But they're way too close to the ropes and van Dam gets the hold broken by grabbing the bottom rope - because, while Ross keeps reminding us that this is a hardcore match with no rules, dammit, ya GOTTA break the hold if somebody grabs the bottom rope! Angle might want to take it far away from those ropes - like up on the stage, maybe. van Dam seems to be in an obliging mood, falling outside the ring - and Angle follows. Head to the mat, again, against the barricade, chop, chop, right, van Dam right, Angle with a whip - van Dam catches himself, leaps up on the steps, and executes a sweet moonsault onto Angle - 1, 2, kickout. van Dam up on the apron - and back to the floor with a legdrop! van Dam points to himself - which, in the WWF, is the cue for the opponent to take advantage - sure enough, Angle hits the anklelock!! van Dam reaches forward and finds a chair - WHACK. Well so much for my brilliant plan. van Dam in control - Euro elbow to the mush - van Dam grabs a chair and meets Angle back in the ring - kick, kick, right, kick, into the opposite corner, has the chair, drops the chair while completing his tumbling run...and Angle catches him on the splash anyway - double leg slam ONTO THE CHAIR!! Leg is hooked - 1, 2, NO! Angle with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, gutshot is caught by van Dam, steps over and connects with a cartwheel kick - Angle on his back near the ropes - van Dam with a baseball slide - Angle stays in so van Dam drapes the chair on his body and hits the slingshot legdrop. Everybody outside...van Dam recovers first - cover - 2. van Dam wants the...piledriver? powerbomb? but Angle fights off the attempt by pushing van Dam's spine into the barrier. Head to the post. Again Angle rams van Dam's head into the post - make it three - make it FOUR times into the ringpost. Angle with the chair as they had to the ramp - chair under the jaw - and DOWN to the ramp. van Dam tries to get away and begs off - up the ramp they go...Angle with a forearm in the back, another, a third forearm, they're at the top now...but van Dam hits him in the jimmy to turn it back around. van Dam using the EntertainmentTron's support structure to stay on his feet - overhead kick to the back of Angle's head - Angle is staggered...and walks back into a second overhead kick. Angle keeps finding himself back with van Dam - van Dam with a headscissors while STILL suspending himself from the scaffolding. Angle is out. van Dam points to himself...and sets up for a spin kick - but Angle catches the leg, single leg takedown, Anglelock - and van Dam TAPS!! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new hardcore champion and a NEW member of the Five Belts Club!! (5:57) There can be no celebration, however, as STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN emerges from behind the curtain and shoves Austin right off of the stage! Austin gives us "sadistic" for a bit, then checks on van Dam. THEN HE THROWS *HIM* OFF THE STAGE! Austin gives a look, as if to say... "What?" Then he chases White off...or rather, down to the landing point...where he counts a fall for van Dam. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a NEW, three-time hardcore champion. (1:16) Austin *does* let a "What?" slip out before we head to the break...

Moments Ago... well, you know. I like that we never see either man's landing; it enhances the suspension of disbelief.

The EMT's have a collar on Angle - he doesn't sound like he knows where he is. Kinda like Billy Gunn (YES! The long-awaited Billy Gunn update!)

Your hosts are LARRY KING & IT'S NOT PARTICULARLY MUCH MORE ABOUT PAUL - and they are having a tiff right before our very eyes. Shout! Gesticulate! Scream! "That's a buncha crap and you know it....KISS MY ASS!" Golly, Ross!

Stephanie and Test are WALKING! Well, also Stephanie is enjoying the sound of her own voice.

Don't forget; Star Trek III is NEXT!

STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT - AND THE JURY IS STILL OUT ABOUT THE WRITING THING, TOO and TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST v. THE ROCK in a nontitle, handicap match - "Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to the man who is going to help me kick the Rock's ass - MY tag team partner for this handicap match, Test!" Thank God we got in one more spot of mic time for....oy. Man, we're either gonna run pretty late here, or this is gonna be a short, short match. Gimme ten, YOU gimme ten, and now Stephanie leaves the ring and takes third headset. Is Test main eventing? He rushes Rock after one corner pose and we're on. Right, right, right, right. Into the ropes, reversed, back elbow by the Rock. Knee by Test catches him by surprise, though - right, right, off the ropes...into a Samoan Drop - 1, 2, no! Right, into the ropes, reversed, reversed AGAIN, and Rock puts Test over the top to the outside. Rock through the ropes to meet him- and catching a knee from Test. Test drops him on the barricade. Big clothesline on the floor. Stephanie removes her headset and gets in a few stomps on the Rock, a slap, and another slap. Stephanie back to commentary as Test collects Rock and puts him back inside. Ross: "When the Rock was down, you jumped right on his bones." That's a strange choice of words! Stomp by Test, stomp, picks him back up, right, back elbow, right, back elbow, right, words for referee "Blind" Nick Patrick who just MAY have been trying to enforce the rules there. Test back in - but it's Rock with a right, right, right, whip is reversed, Test pulls Rock in with a sidewalk slam. 1, 2, kickout. Test brings him back up - right hand. Right. Into the opposite corner, follow clothesline. Back into the first clothesline sternum first - forearm to the kidneys. Test to the *devastating* big bearhug. Rock is fading, fading, fading fast. Rock with a desperation punch in the face - this works. Right hand after the hold is broken. Right. Right. Right is blocked - Test with a right, right, right, right...into the ropes - no, Rock reverses into a gutshot - and DDT. Both men are down and Patrick starts the count. Nobody moving...4... 5... 6... people starting to stir - 8.... Test up with a right - Rock fires back. Test, Rock, Rock, Rock, Test reverses the whip into the ropes, but Rock flies off with a clothesline. Rock kips up - right, right, right, right, points to Stephanie twice, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT - Test stumbles out of the corner, Rock wants Rock Bottom but Test elbows the back of the head and breaks free after two more elbows - off the ropes - but Rock lands the spinebuster. Before we can get the People's Elbow, though, Stephanie is again up from the commentary table - grabbing the Rock's ankle and...greatly annoying him, looks like. Rock grabs her by the hair and lifts her to the apron...but that's given Test enough time to strike from behind with a forearm. Rock into the ropes, Wotsitolla Boot LANDS. And, wouldn't you know it, Stephanie wants the tag. Melodrama Bodypress - 1, 2, Rock kicks out! Oh, Stephanie's back hurts because her rack is so big...Rock back to his feet - free shot for poised and waiting for Stephanie to turn back around...but before SHE can get Rock Bottom, Test is back in with a clip. Test waits for Rock to get up - and clotheslines him down. Stephanie is motioning to the back as Test sets up the Meltdown...NAPPY T is out - Rock down the back, shoving Test into the ropes, into Stephanie, and Stephanie falls off the apron, landing on Booker - Test bounces back into ROCK BOTTOM - 1, 2, 3! (6:28) Confused? Rock leaves and grabs a chair...and makes sure Booker doesn't step foot in the ring. Stephanie holds him back for effect. Since the first camera shot missed the uranage, here's another angle of the endgame. Rock wants Booker to Just Bring It, but it won't happen tonight.

Backstage, the Austins think the show is over and are leaving - but Michael King Cole isn't done with them! "What do you want?" "Have you been updated on the condition of Kurt Angle?" "Should I have? What's wrong with him?" "He suffered a serious neck and back injury after you threw him off the stage." "Really...thanks for tellin' me." "Wait a minute, wait a you realise you may not have an opponent to defend your WWF title against at Unforgiven?" Austin chuckles...then swipes the mic and cups Cole's head in his left hand. "'Doyourealiseyoumightnothaveanopponentatthepay-per-view?' Heh? What? What what? 'Doyouknowyoumightahurthisneck? Doyouknowhe'sinthehospital?' What? What what what? What, does it look like I care, Michael? Does it look like I give a rat's ass about Kurt Angle? You wanna come out here and bother me, asking me do I know this, do I know that, what? Huh what? What? Does it look like I care? Do you care? Tell me, do you care? Do you care? Do you care? Do you care? What? You tryin' to say you don't like Stone Cold? What? What? What? What? WHAAAAAT?" Austin shoves him away as the War Zone credits come up...grabs his belt...and he and Debra walk off.

WWF logo

We're out.

HEEEEEEEEEEEY STAR TREK III "...the needs of the many...outweigh..." "...the needs of the few..." "...or the one. I have been, and always shall be, your friend. Live long and prosper."

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