WWF RAW is WAR
I haven't asked for anything from you in a long,
long time (mostly because I know it's pointless), so just skip to the next
paragraph if you're offended. If you work at Google, in Mountain View,
can you drop me a line? I'd like a tour, but I was hoping I wouldn't have
to wrangle an interview first...mostly because I already have a job, but
it'd be nice to see what's out there.
PERSONAL REQUEST 2: Ha, ha, you skipped the above paragraph but I got you HERE! If you have *one* friend who likes wrestling but doesn't know about slashwrestling.com or CRZ, ask 'em to try out this RAW report and see if they like it. If everybody tells ONE friend...well, I'll get at least another 37 hits out of the deal, so that'll be fun for all of us.
TONIGHT: I hope you didn't forget there was a pay-per-view yesterday, 'cause if you did, then you'll have to rely on these clips of a post-match celebration to learn that there is a NEW World Wrestling Federation champion! Also, Chris Jericho challenges Christian and call it a hunch, but Kurt Angle, Steve Austin, Booker T and the Rock just MAY be around later...
QUICK QUOTE: WWF 11.45 (+ .43, last year: 19 7/16)
Sorry, no comments about the Baywatch marathon; I was watching the Packers make the Redskins their collective BITCH. Gotta love the Redskins 'cause THEY LOST FOR *AMERICA!* Also, I'm reaffirming my ban on watching Monday Night Football (unless the Packers are involved) because Dennis Miller *doesn't belong there* and I was never much of an Al Michaels fan to begin with. I'm not sure who the other guy is, but I hope it isn't Matt Millen because he'll never get ANYWHERE teamed with these two schlubs...also, he was part of the kickassingest CBS Radio pair in HISTORY (check that - in the small portion of my lifetime I spent listening to Monday Night Football on CBS Radio) and what WAS my point...oh yeah, is the reason nobody writes me anymore because I no longer go off on long, boring tangents at the top of the report? Or perhaps....perhaps I'm not talking enough about MYSELF.....or, more likely, other people...
One World Leader Attitude - TV-14-DLV - CC - WWF!
WWF UNFORGIVEN - LAST NIGHT: "The winner of this bout, and NEEEEEEEEEEEEEW World Wrestling Federation champion....Kurt Angle!" Wow, Kurt's mom is named Jackie....MY mom is named Jackie...coincidence? Also, my mother's maiden name is....yeah, right, I ain't tellin' YOU, you sneaky identity thief!
YOU ARE LOOKING LIVE! at the parking lot. Stone Cold Steve Austin ain't here yet, but by golly he soon may very well be!
shaPYRO! WE ARE LIVE from the Unnamed Arena in Columbus, OH 24.9.1 and WWF New York, transmitido en espanol SAP on the National Network and the Sports Network (and probably some other places), and one day removed from Unforgiven, RAW - IS -
FUN BROTHERS and ACOLYTE BRADSHAW v. THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ and TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST (with Let Us Take You Back to Unforgiven) - Your hosts are LARRY KING & PAUL E. HEYMAN, who promises that later tonight Austin will be modeling a "hell toupee." Or maybe I misheard that. The American flag is again on the back video wall, for those who note such things (me, and....) Heyman astutely notes that the WWF and WCW tag team champions are on opposite sides of the ring here. Last night, Test got involved in the Rock's match against Booker T and Shane McMahon, and here's a clip to prove it. They *don't* show Bradshaw coming out later, which is too bad because it would have helped explain Bradshaw punking out Test as soon as he enters the ring - WE'RE UNDERWAY. Forearm in the back, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, head down, forearm by Bradshaw, chop, right, chop, Test ducks the punch, Bradshaw fights off the full nelson and hits a death suplex. Right, into the ropes, reversed by Test into a short clothesline. Right hand by Test, into the friendly corner where the Dudleyz get some, much to the dismay of referee "Blind" Mike Chioda. D-Von is in - right, into the ropes, reversed, Dudley ducks, but makes the cardinal mistake of trying a crossbody - YOU CAN'T CROSSBODY BRADSHAW! and sure enough, there's the fallaway slam. Bradshaw tags Kane. Held open for a right hand from Kane. Right, into the ropes, head down, kick by Dudley - Kane's clothesline ducked, Kane's big boot not. Bubba Ray tries to get a cheap shot as Kane comes off the ropes - Kane turns around and shoves him to the floor. D-Von gets a sidewalk slam - Test comes in, HE gets a clothesline. Kane up to the top...flying clothesline on D-Von. Backdrop for Bubba Ray. Finally the numbers get one in - and it's a BIG one, as Test lands a Wotsitolla Boot! D-Von covers...1, 2, THEY BLOW IT - Kane fails to lift his shoudler, but Taker is too slow to make the save, and the whole thing just looks BAD, PEOPLE. We'll pretend either Taker made it or Kane lifted his shoulder (killing Test's finisher) and move on. Kane thrown outside - Test and Bubba work him over, then throw him into the STEEL steps. The reason they can actually get away with this stuff is Chioda is busy trying to keep Taker in his corner. Kane rolled back in...where Bradshaw is - how confusing! Bradshaw kicks D-Von, Bubba from behind. Test decides to come in on Kane. God knows who's legal here, but Bradshaw is finally put back in his corner and Test returns to leave Bubba on Kane...guess they're legal. Elbowdrop. Elbowdrop again. Double sledge gets Bubba Ray 2. Fist in the back. Shoulder to the buckle - tag to Test. Head to the buckle, right, back elbow, right, back elbow, right, kick, kick, standing on the neck against the second turnbuckle. Kane fires back - Test matches him. Kane, Test, Kane, Kane, Test with a knee. Into the ropes is reversed...Kane with a powerslam and both men are down. Will Kane make the tag? You betcha - Taker to meet D-von - soupbone, soupbone, Bubba Ray in illegally and HE eats a soupbone. Soupbone for Bubba Ray, clothesline for D-Von. Put into a corner, Taker runs to the opposite corner to clothesline Bubba Ray, running back to the first to clothesline D-Von. Taker is a dervish! Big boot to Bubba Ray! But Test is in with a clothesline. Bradshaw shoved to the floor - but Kane gets the right in, and clotheslines *Test* to the outside. Taker reverses a whip of D-Von - choke - Bubba Ray from behind before anybody gets chokeslammed. Whip into the ropes, they want 3D but Taker gives D-Von the big boot instead. Taker ducks a Bubba Ray clothesline as Bradshaw comes in behind him - HADES LARIAT. Bubba Ray rolls out, leaving D-Von alone for the Taker gutshot - Last Ride - and a 1, 2, 3. (4:56) The Rock is here, Kurt Angle is here, Steve Austin is not here...yet...and here's a replay of Test doing some damage, Bradshaw doing some damage, and Taker getting the pin - that political BASTARD.
There's a knock at the door of Torrie Wilson's makeup counter (well...) "Come in Tajiri, I'm dressed!" Nope, it's Stacy Keibler. Somehow this leads to some Tajiri bashing, and Stacy says she'll find someone "tall, dark and handsome" to take him on tonight. Torrie's all for it. Typical brain-dead line which makes no sense: "They don't call Tajiri the JAPANESE BUZZSAW for nothin'!" delivered with the usual aplomb by Wilson.
Red Cross information (1-800-HELPNOW, www.redcross.org)
A limousine arrives! Heyman thinks it's Ausitn...but it's Christian instead. He sings his theme song, then asks Security to stave off the "hordes of crazy WWF fans" that are soon to descend 'pon him. Make sure they don't touch him, he requests, then asks him to get his bags afterward. Christian stops to talk to some standbys. "People, people, please contain yourselves! I'll come back and I'll sign every single autograph as soon as the show's over, okay?" They thank him and go back to their conversation.
Meanwhile, the Alliance has gathered (except Torrie)...Shane McMahon has a videotape. "Guys, listen up. The Alliance cannot afford to have another night like we had last night at Unforgiven. Okay? And when Stone Cold Steve Austin walks through that door...each and every one of you should get up and shake that man's hand, go up there, you should give him a standing ovation. And why? Because Stone Cold Steve Austin last night did not lose - hear me - DID NOT LOSE the World Wrestling Federation championship. No no no, I have the tape right here to prove it. Everyone remembers the match - Kurt Angle had Stone Cold right there in that anklelock, Austin had his hand, right hand, reached underneath the rope, grabbing the apron, yes, Austin did tap with the left hand, however everyone knows, when you reach the ropes, you have to break the hold, correct? You have to break the hold, and the match resumes. Therefore, Stone Cold is still the champion - and when Austin gets here, there will be hell to pay. But Stone Cold was not the only one SCREWED by, once again 'senior official' Earl Hebner. No no, there were two other people here in this room, besides the entire Alliance being screwed, in particular, myself and Booker T." "YEAH!" "We were screwed by Earl Hebner!" "SCREWED!" "We were thwarted - our attempts were thwarted, because we did not defeat the Rock, we did not bring the WCW title back to the Alliance...so tonight, it's gonna be all about...revenge. Hear what I'm saying? All about revenge." Stephanie enters at this point. "Y'all here for my birthday?" "How can you be thinking about your birthday after the night that we had last night? This is not important, this is not about that. Again, guys, tonight is about revenge. Okay?" Stephanie says Shane is wrong - tonight isn't about revenge, it's about leadership by example - and there's one person who has stood out as a natural born leader. Booker T looks at his hand and starts to shake. "And that man...is.....Rob van Dam!" Booker is taken aback. "Calm down, okay? That's why tonight, I'm going to give myself a birthday present," and gives van Dam a WCW title shot against the Rock. Again, T is miffed - but Shane "is feeling that." Shane says leadership by example is the way to go - and tonight, Booker T will bring home World Wrestling Federation gold by challenging Kurt Angle. T smiles and gives Shane a hug - he's with it. "First time! First time!"
Tough Enough soundtrack ad
And now, the Slim Jim snap of the night! From RAW last week, Tajiri's neck snaps back when Rhyno gives him the gore.
TAJIRI (with Torrie Samuda) v. ? (with Stacy Keibler) - The opponent is revealed to be TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Keibler takes the mic. "Hey, so what Torrie - two outta three ain't bad." Here we go: Lockup, side headlock by Tazz, powered out, shoulderblock by Tazz - up and over, hiptoss by Tajiri blocked, gutshot by Tazz, kick to the head by Tajiri. Into the ropes, Viscera kick knocks Tazz down. Tajiri mocks Tazz' pain with pantomime. Chop, into the opposite corner is reversed, but Tajiri gets the boot up...but runs into a head-and-arm Tazzplex. Stomp by Tazz, stomp, stomp. Every shot to the injured ribs. Tajiri manages his hundred arms and legs, but once again the onslaught has no effect - Tazz bombs a clothesline as Tazz comes off the ropes. Into the ropes, Tajiri ducks, superkick lands on the jaw. Into the ropes, reversal, Tajiri with a handspring elbow. Tajiri yells out something that must translate to "now I'm going to put him in the Tarantula!" Next, Tajiri says "I am going to kick him very hard!" This guy is doing his own play-by-play! Stacy up on the apron - Greco-Roman liplock! Torrie is over, pulling Stacy to the floor. CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT! Well, actually I don't know - we're looking in the ring for God knows why - Why is Tazz' mouth bleeding? Tazz ducks a kick, Tajiri ducks a clothesline, Tazz ducks another kick, Tazz with the TAZZMISSION...and Tajiri is forced to tap. (2:17) Wow, Stacy sure showed Torrie! I guess... Replay shows Torrie gave Stacy a big slap.
Back to Shane: "I cleared everybody out, okay? 'cause I just wanted to talk to you - one on one. Now last night, YEAH we got screwed out of the WCW Championship. But you know what? It could be a blessing in disguise. Because you've been the 1 2 3 4 FIVE-TIME, WCW Champion, five time! Okay? But you're probably focusing on the wrong title. Because tonight, hear me out, listen to this, you can be the first-time, first-time, FIRST-TIME WWF Champion. Now can u dig that?" "I can dig that." Shane says he can't be out to ringside to help him tonight, but he's with him inside...then he pounds his heart. Then he shuffles a bit. Apparently he's got one more thing to take care of...
RAW Magazine ad - Torrie Wilson gets RAW, and appearing in photographs means "not having to attempt acting"
Kane does the thing with the cans of Chef Boyardee Big Beefaroni
Experience the WWF live! Tix on sale Saturday for Valparaiso (WHERE?), Springfield, Louisville for RAW, Cincinnati for SmackDown!, and East Rutherford for SmackDown!
Here's a look at the exterior of the Nationwide Arena (aha! I wonder if jdw will catch this)
Ross says Kurt Angle has accepted the challenge. Here's a graphic to prove it!
TONIGHT: Kurt Angle vs. Booker T. - and NOBODY is allowed at ringside! Well, except the commentators. And the timekeeper. And Lilian Garcia, I bet. Oh, and there'll probably be a ref in the ring. But THAT'S IT! Well, except the cameramen, maybe some sound guys, a few techs..but other than that, NOBODY allowed at ringside. By God, Commissioner Regal MEANS IT!
WCW U.S. TITLE: RHYNO WHO IS A MAN BEAST v. JEFF HARDY - Champion enters first because he ain't dressed like no NANCY BOY. (Which isn't to say, of course, that I wouldn't deck out like Jeff if *I* were prouder of my physique. YEAH RIGHT) Lockup, arm wringer by Hardy, Rhyno reverses, then pulls him down by the cap. Hardy kips up, and they're STILL locking hands. Rhyno reverses to a hammerlock, then takes him down. Stomp, stomp, punch, into the ropes is reversed, knee in the gut by Hardy, and he throws him outside. Hardy wants a dropkick through the ropes, but Rhyno catches him - Rhyno wants a powerbomb on the floor, Hardy counters with a 'rana. Hardy with a ... flourish. Back in the ring we go - whip is reversed, Rhyno with a monster powerbomb. Rhyno going to the top...but the pool is empty on the big splash. Referee "Blind" Nick Patrick puts on the mandatory ten count while we take a Subway Replay. Hard up at five - Rhyno blocks, Hardy ducks, Rhyno catches a kick...then takes a reverse mule kick with the other foot. Sitout clothesline by Hardy. Off the ropes - somersault legdrop finds the mark...but Hardy only gets 2. Right, right, into the corner is reversed - Rhyno pulls him into a belly-to-belly. Rhyno's up first...but Hardy manages a sitout jawbreaker. Into the corner, reversed, Hardy stairsteps up and moonsaults off! Hardy grabs the legs - speaking in tongues double legdrop between 'em. Hardy is going up top to finish this...swantonbomb MISSES! Rhyno is up and waiting for the chance to spear him - no, Hardy's gone - no, Rhyno stops himself before hitting the post (ha, he's learning!) - Rhyno ducks a clothesline from Hardy, Hardy climbs up to the top and springs off with...nothing - in midair he gets the GORE! GORE! GORE! 1, 2, 3, champ retains. (3:37) Replay - I have NO IDEA what Jeff Hardy was going for (besides a spectacular sell of a spear...but he's done better against Edge...oh well)
Backstage, Storm and Ivory discuss the strategy of their upcoming six-person match...Hurricane whooshes in with sound effect and *set a COURSE for HILARITY* "Citizen Ivory, Citizen Storm! Thank goodness I found you! I trust you're conversing AND strategizing about our six person match tonight with that sinister Spike Dudley, with that nasty Big SHOW...AND Molly Holly. But beware! Evil comes in all shapes and sizes. Big, little, small, tall, WASSUPWIDAT?" "Well yeah, we were just talking about the match, we were--" "Silence! My Hurrisense is tingling! Ivory, I fear you may be in grave danger. Go to the entrance and wait for us there." "Okay!" He turns to Storm. "You'll have to excuse the (Hurrifear?), but I didn't want Ivory.....to overhear. You see, I'm ready. Ready to commit to Molly Holly being my fulltime sidekick, and if we win this match tonight, she'll have no choice but to see...the Hurrilight. Therefore we MUST be victorious!" "Let's just go do it then." "Super! Now...Hurritwin Powers activate!" Storm reluctantly touches up the knuckles. "Shape of...a hurricane!" Storm rolls his eyes. "Form of...an ice storm." "Now you're gettin' it. Hurricane, up, up and away!"
I GET LETTERS: Ian Carandang gets rhetorical: Has anyone else noticed that this team is slowly transforming into Head Cheese 2001? They both have the "Goofy wrestler paired up with personality-deficient partner two seconds from smacking him upside the head" dynamic going on. :)
Where IS Steve Blackman, anyway? (Shipped to the minors.) Well, SHIT.
Tough Enough finale ad - it's THURSDAY! THURSDAY! THURSDAY!
When we come back, Kanyon asks Rob van Dam for some advice, 'cause he's a LEADER. When Stone Cold arrives, all hell's gonna break loose...and what if he decides to take it out on him? "I mean, Who Better Than Kanyon, right?" "Look, relax. All right, Chris? Take a chill pill! Things have a way of just workin' themselves out, you gotta know that. You gotta believe that. RVD is gonna beat the Rock tonight for the WCW title. Booker T is gonna take the WWF title, and YOU have a match with Matt Hardy to get ready for." "I just don't know, man...I don't know." "You're all worked up over nothing! You just have to chill, I mean you're not even yourself. Hey, what happened to that confident, Who Better Than Kanyon attitude? Huh? Where'd that go? Is that in ya?" "You're right, man...I just need to relax." "Where's it at?" "Yeah, it's in me." "I really appreciate it..." "Hey." "...I'm real glad the Alliance has somebody like you.... who better than RVD, right?" "Yeah, exactly...who better than RVD."
HURACAN & LANCE STORM & IVORY v. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW & SPIKE DAMN DUDLEY & MOLLY HOLLY - Spike is decked out in Big Show tights (appropriately fitted, at least); Ross dubs him "the Little Show." Hurricane hits the ring and stares down Show - or tries to. HE WANTS THE TEST OF STRENGTH! Show goes along with it. Knuckles locked - Hurricane shoves against Show - Show gives the "what the heck is this guy thinking?" look to you and I and finally pushes back...taking Hurricane's hands to the ground - and stepping on them while hitting his own version of the SUPERHERO pose! Show unleashes his best barrel laugh for our benefit. Hurricane with a slap - that'll change his mood. Pose. Off the ropes...Show catches his head in his palm...and piefaces him back to his corner. Hurricane wisely tags out...to Ivory? Ivory gives it the old college try...Show catches HER head in his palm. Ivory with a kick...can't get close enough. Swinging away...nope. Show shakes his head - and tags in Molly. Dropkick! Dropkick! Gutshot, Northern Lights and bridge...2! Chop, chop, into the ropes is reversed by Ivory, sunset flip attempt - nope - Ivory picks her up by the hair and hits her knee-to-the-neck takedown. Elbowdrop. Elbowdrop. Leg is hooked - 1, 2, no. You know, for all this talk of "when Stone Cold shows up," it'd be nice if he actually SHOWED up so maybe these guys could talk about a damn match once in a while. Right hand by Ivory...scoop...Molly back down, schoolgirl gets 2. Ivory fires back - tag to Storm (!) - Ivory holds her open...but Hurricane holds back Storm. This is, like, a plot point - but the commentators completely miss it. Holly eventually manages a hiptoss of Ivory out of the stretch, ducks a Storm clothesline, through the legs and tags in Dudley. Right hand, right for Hurricane, Storm into the ropes, reversal, Hurricane ankles him - Dudley out of the ring and the chase is on...Hurricane slides back in - Dudley eats a big heel kick from Storm. Jawbreaker, nice dropkick by Storm. Tag to Hurricane - here comes the cape as Storm slams him again. Hurricane climbing up - the cape didn't stay on...but Hurricane still lands the crossbody for 2. Dudley into the corner - but he gets the boot up on the charge. Hurricane picks him up - Dudley with a 'rana down. Both men are down...who will tag? Why, they both will - Show with a clothesline for Storm, for Hurricane, for Storm, for Hurricane...pulls up short on Ivory...and Storm & Hurricane try to take him down from behind. Double suplex blocked - double headbutt by the Show. DOWN COME THE STRAPS!! He wants the chokeslam...but Ivory kicks him in...the Big Show. Here comes Molly - clothesline! Referee "Blind" Jimmy Korderas thinks "aha, HERE'S somebody I can muscle back into their corner!" and does so. Meanwhile, Hurricane wants the powerbomb - on the Big Show - uh huh. Show backdrops him instead. Storm gets a big boot. Storm put in the corner, well it's a big clothesline. Tag to Molly - up on Show's shoulders - Molly-go-round! 1, 2, 3! She pinned Storm! Play her music! (4:23) So much for advancing the Hurricane/Molly storyline...
UP NEXT: Kurt Angle vs. Booker T for the WWF Championship!
Earl Hebner pays Shane McMahon a visit. "I understand ya got a couple questions for me." "Couple questions. Let me first start off by saying...EARL, YOU SCREWED BOOKER T AND I OUT OF THE WCW CHAMPIONSHIP LAST NIGHT. You're a WWF 'official!' Let's put that on the side over here for a second, because something else happened. You screwed Stone Cold Steve Austin out of the WWF Championship! Don't shake your head - I thought you might shake your head like that. Oh, you don't think so? Oh really? Well I beg to differ. I beg to - I just so happened to put this together. I want you to look with your own eyes. There's Kurt Angle, yes, there's Stone Cold, there's you. He's in the anklelock...but look. Is Stone Cold reaching underneath the bottom rope with his right hand, grabbing the ring apron? Is he not? Is Stone Cold, did he not have his hand underneath, UNDERNEATH?" "He's tapping." "Left hand." "It was an honest mistake." "I'm sorry? I'm sorry? Say that again?" "It was an honest mistake. But...but...my decision stands. Kurt Angle is still the WWF Champion." "Okay. You're refereeing the WWF Championship match next, right?" "Yes, I am." "Kurt Angle and Booker T?" "Yes." "Well since I'm banned from ringside and I cannot point out little mistakes like this for you...since I can't point 'em out...let's make sure that they don't happen again. Catch my drift? And Earl, if I were you...when Stone Cold Steve Austin gets here....man, I'd make myself scarce. Now go do your job - and don't make any more mistakes." Hebner leaves...and Shane hurls a water bottle with force.
Another look in the parking garage - nope, nothing yet...
WWF CHAMPIONSHIP: KURT ANGLE v. BOOKER T (with RAW Credits, transmitido en espanol SAP, TV-14-DLV & CC boxes) - Champion enters first because he's white. How many times have these guys locked up? It's STILL a great matchup. "USA" chant. Here we go! Lockup, waistlock by Angle - Booker elbows out - off the ropes - belly-to-belly by Angle for 2. Right, right, into the ropes is reversed, back elbow by T - 1, 2, no. Going for it early, Ross speculates, may mean Angle is hurting more than he's letting on. Angle ducks a swing, waistlock, rollup off the ropes for 2. Angle right, right, into the ropes, no Booker reverses and hits a back kick. Side headlock applied. Angle powers out - shoulderblock by T. T looks at his hands. Off the ropes, up and over...drop toehold by Angle, anklelock (!) but T has the ropes. Hebner is quick to break it up. Stomp by Angle, stomp, stomp, stomp. Stomp, stomp, stomp. Head to the buckle, stomp. T grabs the corner - Angle tries to pull him out and fails - stomp, stomp. Angle finally pulls him out...only to have T connect with an enzuigiri. T complains about Angle "breaking [his] damn knee" to Hebner...Angle back over to get some more, but T hot shots him on the top rope. T finally takes charge - BIG right hand knocks him down. Clubbing forearm in the back of the neck. "USA!" Arm wringer, Angle reverses, T reverses back and adds a back kick - 1, 2, no. Angle with a gutshot, right, right, knee by Booker, snapmare, rolls him onto his stomach...poses for the crowd...then comes off the ropes with a Rickey Henderson knee to the back of the neck. T chokes Angle on the top rope - working the neck, always working the neck. Field goal kick. T to a *bottom* rope choke, pulling him up against the throttle. Snapmare again. "USA!" T applies the headlock. Listen closely and you'll hear Angle plan some spots. And now Angle is back to his feet...elbow, elbow, breaks it up, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversal, Angle ducks the clothesline, but NOT the flying jalapeno! T shoots the half - 1, 2, NO! Give it a Subway replay! T picks him up - loads up the chop - snap. T looks at his hand again - it wants to chop again. A THIRD chop. But Angle fires back - they trade rights - now it's JUST Angle...T puts Angle in the ropes, but HE hits a flying jalapeno! Angle with a running clothesline - into the ropes, overhead belly-to-belly suplex!! Angle ducks another swing - GERMAN suplex! Angle covers - 1, 2, NO!!! And DOWN COME THE STRAPS! Angle is ready - going for the Olympic SLam but T lands on his feet - and shoves Angle RIGHT into Hebner. HARLEM SIDEKICK! T goes outside and grabs the title belt. WHACK!! HE CONNECTED! T slides the belt out. Hebner is groggy but up - cover - 1 .... 2 .... ANGLE GETS THE SHOULDER UP! T has a fit. "USA!" T stands and waits for Angle to pull himself up - Book End NO Angle counters with a Northern Lights suplex! 1, 2, NO!! T with ANOTHER Harlem sidekick! T down to one knee - oh, he's feeling it - and breakdances back up! AXE KICK - MISSES! Angle's clothesline ducked, T grabs a waistlock, Angle drops down and rolls into the anklelock!! T reaches for the ropes...but he can't make it - HE TAPS!! Angle retains! USA! USA! USA! (8:56)
TONIGHT: The Rock vs. Rob van Dam for the WCW Championship!
UP NEXT: Chris Jericho vs. Christian for the WWF intercontinental championship!
Hey! I can see the bottoms of that girl's boobs! Why aren't ALL the TNN ads like this?
The WWF Boot of the Week is Christian winning the intercontinental title with a chair...hmm, there doesn't seem to be much involvement of the actual BOOT there...somebody write a letter to Lugz
Lita...sits around! Kanyon approaches and asks her to spend a few hours with him after his match with Matt Hardy and find out the answer to the Question - "it's NOBODY, baby!" Lita asks him to repeat that. "Sure, baby!" He does the whole spiel again... "It's just as I thought. You DO have a speech impediment!"
WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: CHRISTIAN (with Earlier Today, Edge took some stitches and an ice pack for his injured eye) v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO - "The following contest..." Christian takes the mic from LILIAN GARCIA. YAY! "Greetings to all my fans in Columbus! And you know, speaking of Columbus, just like that chumpstain Christopher Columbus discovered America, the whole world discovered last night just who the superior brother was when I defeated Edge to become YOUR NEW intercontinental champion! And now the moment I've been waiting for my whole life. My first-ever *solo* five second pose! So for the benefit of those with flash photography..." The Y2J Countdown ruins *those* plans. No mic time for Jericho - he's walking with a purpose! Right, right, right, knee, knee, knee, back elbow, back elbow, back elbow, kick, kick, into the opposite corner is reversed, elbow up by Jericho, missile dropkick, mount and punch, right, up, elbow, into the ropes, Christian ducks the clothesline - Jericho chop, chop, Christian duck and Christian backbreaker. Stomp, stomp, stomp. Stomp, and Christian stands on the neck using the ropes to add some weight to it. "Christian sux!" but he's in control. Right hand. Another big right hand. Head to the buckle. Knife-edge chop, right, chop, backbreaker across the knee, leg is hooked - 1, 2, no. Jericho fires back - right, right, chop, right, into the ropes, head down, Christian kicks. Christian runs at him...Jericho hangs him up on the top rope. Jericho with a clothesline. Christian ducks the next one - but Jericho hits the flying jalapeno! Chop, chop, whip is reversed, dropkick doesn't find anybody. Lionsault - Christian rolls but Jericho lands on his feet. Baseball slide under the ropes. Christian grabs the ring bell and uses it to shield himself from the springboard dropkick. Referee "Blind" Jack Doan immediately calls for the DQ, but as Heyman cackles "there's no bell to ring!" (DQ 2:34 implied) Christian appropriates two chairs and heads back in the ring. One Man Conchairto coming up - or is it? Jericho JUST rolls out of the way. Double leg takedown by Jericho! Walls of Jericho!! Christian taps...but the match ended a while ago. Some more REFS are out - it takes three of them, but they get Christian freed. Play Jericho's music! Hey, Mike Sparks is just happy to be on RAW for once, I promise you.
To the Commissioner's office we go, where the commissioner is not - first, let's note that Kurt Angle's biography has been placed in the set of books on Regal's desk - okay, NOW let's note the X-Pac is in the chair, feet on the desk, and using the phone. "Yeah, you know I'm better than all those guys...you think I'm gonna get any time on TV? Hell no. It's a conspiracy and you know it. What are you gonna do? Hey, I'll have to call you back." Regal surveys the scene. "What the bloody hell d'you think you're doing?" "Well, I kinda thought I'd see what it was like to be the Commissioner around here...and *sit around and do absolutely nothing.*" "Nothing? Listen, I've got far more important things to do than to mess around with you, d'you mind leaving please?" "Whatta you got to worry about, Kurt Angle? Hell, only reason I went out to congratulate him last night was to get my face on TV. And what about Hebner? He admitted he screwed Austin, and what did you do about it? Nothin', that's what you did! Nothin'. I got two championships here, I can't get any competition, and I can't get any TV time around here!" "So that's what you crave the most in your life is television time." "Yeah, 'cause I'm a star!" "Would you like some this evening?" "I'd love some!" "All right. LISTEN TO ME YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE CREATURE! If you want some television time, then you can bloody well have some! But you'll be fighting me!" "Oh yeah?" "So go and get in the ring - I'll put my boots on, and I'll give you a thrashing of a bloody lifetime!" "You want a piece of me? You want a piece of me, huh?" "I don't want a piece, I want the whole bloody lot, you horrid little creature! Now bugger off!"
"Kurt Angle: It's True! It's True!" ad
I think there should be a rule that this Game Boy Advance ad shouldn't play more than once an ad break - c'mon, nobody NEEDS hymn singing luchadores twice within two minutes except Mark Coale and Dr. Alquimia
Let Us Take You Back to Unforgiven, where Jennifer Holliday led it all off with "America the Beautiful" - her version running roughly like this: "OWWWWWWWWWW! I LOVE AMERICA! I LOVE AMERICA! OWWWWWWWWWW! AMERICA! HEEEEEEEEEEEEY! YEEEEEEEEEEAH! OWWWWWW!" Still, she has two more Grammys than I'LL ever have, I suppose
While Ross tells us that Holliday captured "the spirit of ALL Americans," Heyman stares blankly, as if somebody'd just forced him to swallow a live goldfish...and he wasn't sure if it wasn't trying to swim back upstream.
van Dam limbers up - HE seems frozen in time as well. This is probably the point where Stephanie shows up and looks at his crotch...nope, it's Raven. (Wait - what are you saying about Raven then?) Ha ha, I get it. That was a good one. No, it's Raven and Terri. "I - I've been in such a funk lately. I can't get out of it! I've been so depressed, I mean, and then...lost to Perry Saturn, I mean that mop-loving, bald-headed psychotic, I mean I've reached a new low! I don't know what to do, man." "What is WITH everybody today? Don't let that bother you. I mean, you're Raven. What - look, I know you're always negative, but can't you be a little more positive about it? I mean, seriously, you need to, you need to lighten up. You're always dark, but you're mysterious. You're intelligent, you're not depressed. Snap out of it, you're Raven! Quote the Raven, nevermore! Right? That's you!" "Yeah!" "Well come on." "Yeah, you're right man." "Yeah I am! Absolutely!" "Thanks, Rob. Thank you." NOW Stephanie comes in. "Good to see ya." "Good to BE me." Stephanie tells van Dam she's very impressed with his natural leadership ability - she sees greatness all over him. And when he defeats the Rock and takes the WCW Championship, he WILL be the leader of the Alliance! "I don't know about all that leader of the Alliance stuff, but...I'm just psyched about having a WCW title match - and tonight, I'm gonna show the Rock why I am the whole damn show." "I know you won't let me down, Rob." "Oh, I'll get the job done." "You better." Off she goes... "Leader of the Alliance, huh..."
MATT HARDY (with Lita - and RAW is WAR is brought to you by Boogeymen (literally!), Lugz, and Stacker 2) v. KANYON - Give Kanyon credit, he's STILL trying to hit on Lita. HERE WE GO! Jawjacking going on - Kanyon finally shoves - right by Hardy, right, right, right, chop, slap. Into the opposite corner, reversed, elbow up by Hardy - up to the top - moonsault lands for 2! Armdrag by Hardy and Kanyon slides out to the edge of the apron - but manages a hot shot on Hardy. Now asking Lita if she wants him yet. "Shut up!" and she slaps him. Hardy zooms into the frame with an apron clothesline to the floor. Let's all go back in the ring. Hardy ducks a clothesline, hiptoss blocked by Kanyon, into a neckbreaker. Kanyon mounts and punches away. Kanyon looks to Lita again. Right hand for Hardy - Kanyon steps across the back and sits into a facebuster, then uses his knees to flip Hardy over into a press - 1, 2, no. Too bad the commentators are too busy talk about Austin to notice any of these innovative moves! Kanyon with a Val Venis-like pelvic thrust Lita's way - Hardy up from behind with a schoolboy....for 2! Right by Hardy, right, gutshot by Kanyon, kick again, going for a gutwrench powerbomb but Hardy slips out and hits a Russian legsweep. Both men are down and referee "Blind" Brian Hebner puts on the count. Both men up at 4. "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine" by Hardy, again, catches a kick and spins him around into a right hand. Off the ropes - Hardy with a sitout clothesline. "Now we go here" but Kanyon catches him up top - right, right, climbs up after him - Hardy right, right, right, right, right, shoves Kanyon off...second rope...ahhhhhhhhdrop. Hardy pulls up lame. Kanyon rolls outside...but Hardy connects with a baseball slide dropkick. Now Lita is on the steps - scary 'rana works! She's CHEATING TO WIN! Kanyon rolled back in - Matt is ready - gutshot, Twist of Fate, but Kanyon shoves Hardy out of it - and into Lita, who falls off the apron (oops) - this distacts Hardy long enough for Kanyon to hit the Flatliner and cover for the 1, 2, 3. (4:06) Let's watch the replay - yep, Lita falls off the apron THIS time, too.
The Rock is pacing! He'll be going on about something NEXT!
GOD HOW many times does that kid have to take his Game Boy Advance to church in a single night? It's UNSANE
It's the WWF Live! Tomorrow it's Scaiaville, Saturday is Jacksonville, Sunday is Biloxi, next RAW is in Baton Rouge and the night after, it's Mobile! There's nothing like it!
I'm starting to think Austin ain't showing up - how'd you like to be the cameraman who has to watch this boring parking garage for two hours?
We cut to a shot of....yikes, it's Diamond Dallas Page and he's up close for GLEEM. "It's ME! D - D - P. Now I realise, the last time you saw me, I was on the receiving end of quite a beating from the Undertaker. But I realise now that wasn't a bad thing - THAT was a GOOD thing. You see, I learned that it doesn't matter how many times you get knocked down, ya gotta get right back up. You see, I've done some soul searching...and I've finally found the real me - the real D - D - P. And I like me! And I know YOU'RE gonna like me, too! And I'm gonna help you...like YOU!" I am BEGGING - *publicly* BEGGING Jim Gramze to make me one of his famous JPEGs with this. I have to admit, my inner smark shone through and I waited this entire vignette for the Jeff Jarrett gold tooth sparkle....and I was DENIED. Maybe next time (OR maybe I should stop remembering second- and third-hand information passed on to various Delphi fora from people who subscribe to sheets)
LOOK! It's WWF New York!
Inside is AL SNOW with the TOUGH ENOUGH CREW. Brief words from all five. Nidia: "Well, being as the WWF is the home of the beautiful women, I think that umm (looks at Taylor) I would fit in better." Taylor: "The WWF isn't JUST about beautiful women, (?) it is about women kicking ass...and that's exactly what I intend to do." Chris: (to boos) "Umm, Al, I'll be honest with you. I know I'm more athletic than Maven, and if you've been watching the show you can see that I'm taller, bigger and stronger than Josh. So that's why I'm gonna be the Tough Enough champion." Maven: "The combination of athleticism, intelligence and charisma: what more can you ask for?" Josh: "Well Al, when I'm being used in other people's promos to get 'em over, you know who the real choice is." This Thursday we'll find out LIVE who is Tough Enough!
MICHAEL KING COLE stands with the Rock. "Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK to Columbus! You see, last night was a very special night for the Rock. Handicap match: The Rock, Booker T, Shano Mac. The Rock walked into Unforgiven the WCW champion, the Rock WALKED OUT Unforgiven the WCW champion. But tonight is a very special night as well. You see tonight will mark the first time, FIRST TIME, the Rock will defend his WCW title against Rob van Dam. But that's not the only reason why tonight's a very special night. You see, on this night, twenty-five years ago, from the testicles of Vince McMahon himself came something so terrifying, so horrifying, it sends chills up and down men's bodies all over the world! Tonight marks the birth of one Stephanie McMahon-Helsmley. And you know, Stephanie, a word of warning: the Rock knows that you like to get involved in all of the Alliance's matcheches (oops - must have been thinking "mattresses" for some reason) so if you decide to get involved in the Rock's match tonight...Stephanie. The Ro--" Rock looks in a different direction as if to say "hey, how come you haven't started chanting my name yet? Don't make me come out there" "Stephanie, if you decide to get involved in the Rock's match tonight, then just like the doctor did twenty-five years ago, when he held your little baby body up, and wiped all the afterbirth goo from your body, the Rock will take the back of the People's hand and smack that million dollar candyass! But you see, Stephanie, don't get the Rock wrong - the Rock is happy it's your birthday. As a matter of fact, the Rock wants to help you celebrate this very joyous occasion. So Stephanie, allow the Rock to sing you a very special birthday song. 'Happy Birthday to Steph / You're a ho with big breasts / So take the night off from hooking / If you smell what the Rock is cooking.'"
Well I think we could have gone all night without hearing the Rock say "afterbirth goo."
JESUS CHRIST THEY'RE SINGING AGAIN - look, if I go out and BUY a Game Boy Advance, will they STOP running this ad already?!?
Trish Stratus shills Stacker 2
GET OUT OF MY CHURCH CRAZY SINGING WRESTLERS
Subway presents No Mercy! No Mercy is live 21 October from the Savvis Center in St. Louis! EAT FRESH! And Saliva will provide the score!
X-PAC v. COMMISSIONER REGAL - oh man, I almost forgot we were gonna have this one tonight. Are we gonna have any TIME for Austin? Lockup, side headlock by 'Pac, Regal breaks it, hangs onto the arm and tosses 'Pac forward over his shoulder. Arm wringer, reversed, side headlock by 'Pac - powered out by Regal, dueling hiplocks but no dice, 'pac with a leg over the head flippy flippy, Regal with a double kneelift to the head. Ouch. European forearm. Into the ropes, big back body drop by Regal. Knee in the chest, eleven lefts by Regal. Regal waves to the crowd. Hullo! European forearm. Into the ropes, 'Pac ducks and hits a heel kick. Elbow to the heart - another. Blatant choke. Snap suplex by X-Pac. 1, 2, Regal kicks out. Regal's head hits the buckle. Chop, chop, right, right, Regal with a knee, running knee, Euro forearm, into the ropes, reversed, flying clothesline by X-Pac - 1, 2, Regal kicks out. In the corner, kick trifecta by X-Pac, right, pounding him down, standing on the neck...broncobuster coming up - and lands it. Referee "Blind" Teddy Long gets him out of the corner - Regal reverses a whip, and pulls X-Pac into the Union Jack - 1, 2, 3 - whoops, it's over. (2:29)
UP NEXT: The Rock vs. Rob van Dam! Is it just me or was a lot of retouching done on that hardcore championship belt graphic?
Star Trek V is NEXT!
Another look at the parking area - WAIT! THERE'S STONE COLD STEVE-- no, wait, no it's not. Sorry
WCW CHAMPIONSHIP: ROB VAN DAM v. THE ROCK - Rock only gets two corners before his music is interrupted by "My Time" and the arrival of STEPHANIE WANTS TO DO PORN. Is the crowd chanting "Rock E" or "RVD?" Lockup - Rock with a side headlock. van Dam tries to fight it off - nope. van Dam finally powers out - Rock with a shoulderblock...but van Dam nips up. Rock off the ropes, but stops short as van Dam goes into a splits jump. Right hand by the Rock. Arm drag! Both men are up. Dueling chants again. Lockup, now van Dam grabs the side headlock. Rock powers out, van Dam with the shoulderblock. Just like van Dam before him, Rock also nips up - trying for Rock Bottom but van Dam manages to elbow out. Heel kick connects. van Dam clotheslines Rock out of the ring. And now he's out after him - Rock with a right - whip into the barricade is reversed - but Rock pops off the wall with a clothesline. Rock wants a death suplex - but van Dam backflips out and lands on his feet. Rock hung over the barricade - van Dam back onto the apron - point to self, spinning guillotine *connects!* van Dam with a stomp after getting up first. Rock rolled back in - van Dam up top - leaping kick finds the mark. Cover, leg is hooked, 2! van Dam boots him in the head, stomp, elbow, into the ropes - no, Rock reverses, gutshot, Perfectplex(!) - 1, 2, van Dam kicks out - that move NEVER works! LA MAGISTRAL!! 1, 2, NO! van Dam says "enough of your fancy shmancy stuff" and sweeps the leg. Off the ropes, somersault press - 1, 2, no. Stomp, stomp, everybody outside, Rock's head hits the steps. van Dam does some furniture rearranging on the commentary table...oops, took too long. Rock with a right, right, van Dam comes back with an elbow. van Dam runs at the Rock, but he backdrops him onto the commentary table...which doesn't break! Give it a Subway replay! Rock goes after van Dam after some recovery time - rolled back in the ring - Rock in after him. Spinebuster - 1, 2, no. Rock isn't done - right hand, into the opposite corner, but van Dam gets an elbow up. Front slam - split-legged moonsault MISSES! Both men are down and referee "Blind" Charles Robinson starts the mandatory 10 count. Rock crawls over and hooks a leg - 1, 2, kickout! Rock crawls to the ropes to pull himself up...and Stephanie is there, hauling off and slapping him - Rock staggers back into a van Dam small cradle - 1, 2, NO!!! van Dam up first - but the Rock blocks - right hand. Again with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, right, right, right, Points to Self NOW KISS THAT RIGHT! Gutshot, DDT...sharpshooter! Will van Dam tap? Stephanie is up on the apron - so Rock lets go and lunges her way - Stephanie drops back to the floor. Rock is ready to go back to van Dam....but thinks better of it and SPRINTS out of the ring...catching Stephanie at the top of the ramp and pulling her by the hair back down, and into the ring! Rock's got her by the hair...he wants ROCK BOTTOM but van Dam puts a forearm in the back! Scoop...Michinoku driver! Spinning legdrop. van Dam vaults to the top...but before he can go for the Fivestar, Stephanie shoves Robinson into the ropes, accidentally crotching van Dam on the top turnbuckle! Rock takes advantage of the hurting - ROCK BOTTOM! 1, 2, 3!! (8:22) Stephanie throws a tantrum at the top of the ramp - Rock decides to hit the other two corners rather than continue to subject himself to a further viewing of Stephanie's "acting ability." Replay of the finish. War Zone credits are up, WWF logo is up...
Hmmmm, never DID see Austin.