THANKS TO: Rick Scaia, for another readership bump - keep the plugs coming!

BLATANT PLUG: Say, you ever catch that Online Onslaught? I swear, it's the ONLY thing left worth reading on that site that it's on! (Well, 'cause you can read Mark Coale here...eventually.....on second thought, I don't think you can read Al Galdi anywhere else. But that's IT, MAN)

QUICK QUOTE: WWF 12.39 (+ .94, last year: 15 1/2)

TV-14-DLV - CC - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

LAST THURSDAY: You don't need to read about this series of main event clips if you've read the SmackDown! report

Opening Credits - note that there is no RAW is WAR, there never has *been* a RAW is WAR - this - is - RAW

On one hand, it's everything back to normal (the American flag is gone from the back video wall - who had "two weeks" in the pool?), just like the president asked us.... and yet...... isn't the fact that somebody felt they had to change the damn name of the damn show PROOF that the terrorists have gotten what they wanted?

[ Yeah, yeah....there are plenty of other, better examples. This one, however, happens to *actually be relevant to the topic I claim to regularly display expertise in*. See how it works, everybody? Pass it along to your favourite wrestling writer... ]

LET THE GOOD TIMES PYROLL - I gotta say, I'm used to a square logo and they probably should have just made the word "RAW" taller - anyway, WE ARE LIVE in Baton Rouge, LA (please pronounce it Betone Ruzh) 1.10.1 (or 01.10.01, for those into numerological significance) and transmitido en espanol SAP on TNN - the NEW TNN, even - and maybe the same ol' boring TSN, too - there's some people in WWF New York (no way!), and they're psyched, 'cause

TONIGHT: Undertaker & Kane & Chris Jericho vs. Booker T & Test & Rob van Dam!

But first....KURT ANGLE is out with his belt on his shoulder...and no pyro (why, that should mean he'll be wrestling later!) Your hosts are LARRY KING & PAUL E. HEYMAN & A FAX MACHINE and I'll bet you just can't WAIT to see how THAT comes into play. But for now, wait we shall, while the "USA" chant is strong...as we once said while playing Clue, it was Kurt Angle... in the ring... with the mic. "Your Olympic Hero has some unfinished business with the Dudley Boyz he needs to take care of, but first...I've got some sad news. Word on the street is, once again, not scheduled to show up here tonight is Stone Cold Steve Austin. Now maybe that's the truth, and Austin's not showing up...or maybe, Austin's SAYING he's not showing up because he IS showing up, and he wants it to be a surprise. Or maybe, he's just a horse's ass, I don't know! But whether or not he shows up here tonight, the fact is he hasn't been seen on TV since I beat him for the WWF title. Woow! So Austin...what's the deal? Are you embarrassed? Are you ashamed? Are you hung over? What? You see, Austin...there's no shame in losing to an Olympic Gold Medalist. You see, Austin...there's nothing embarrassing about tapping out to relieve yourself of the horrible pain. There's nothing embarrassing about relieving yourself in your tights after tapping out to the horrible pain. [The complete silence from the audience is made twice as apparent by Ross' forced chuckle - THAT one went over like a fart in a church] You see, Austin...it's okay. Because, Austin, I'll tell you what. I don't wanna embarrass you - and I don't think anyone here tonight wants to embarrass you. So if you are back there, I say you stop with this ploy, and you stop playing games, and you come out here, right here, right now. Oh, it's true!" Austin's music fails to play, and Austin fails to come out. Heyman swears his sources told him Austin would NOT be here - which, given Heyman's sources complete failure to properly predict Austin's whereabouts on two separate occasions LAST week, should seem to guarantee Austin would show. Anyway, I *could* be reading too much into this. The bottom line is nothing happens. LISTEN TO THAT CROWD!! "All right, Austin...if that's the game you wanna play, that's fine. Now, as far as the Dudley Boyz are concerned, this--" THE ROCK interrupts at *this* point - let's see if HE can put a defibrulator on this crowd and find a pulse. "Rock E!" "You see Kurt Angle, the Rock doesn't know where Stone Cold Steve Austin is tonight, and frankly, the Rock doesn't CARE where Stone Cold Steve Austin is tonight. But what the Rock does care about is the Dudley Boyz. The same Dudley Boyz who 3D'd you through a table last week on SmackDown! - the same Dudley Boyz who 3D'd the Rock last week on SmackDown! - the very same Dudley Boyz who are here...tonight." "Oh, testify, Rock, testify!" "Hoho, the Rock will testiFY! You see, the Rock KNOWS that you want the Dudley Boyz bad, but see the Rock wants 'em just as bad as you. So the Rock says, to any Dudley Boy who wants to come out and fight tonight against you and the Rock - it can be one big Dudley family reunion. It can be D-Von Dudley, Bubba Ray Dudley, Dunce Cap Dudley who still hasn't passed the third grade, it can be that Diarrhea Dudley with the weak bowel, hell, above all else it can be Grandpa Dingleberry Punkass Dudley himself!" When the Rock makes lists, I start wondering what's on the other channels.... "The bottom line is, Kurt Angle, is this: is every Dudley can come down one by one by damn one, and tonight, you and the Rock can whoop their candyasses all over Baa-ton Roooj!" "Woow!" And here to take up the challenge is SHANE DUDLEY - WAIT, SHANE'S NOT A DUDLEY. "Rock, I'm so excited that you wanna take on the Dudleyz tonight. Because Rock, as everybody knows, I own WCW. So therefore, tonight I am going to force you, Rock, to compete..." "Ass hole!" "Rock, tonight, I'm gonna force you to compete In That Very Ring, against not just one Dudley, no no, not just Bubba Ray or D-Von, but Bubba Ray and D-Von Dudley together at the same time...in a special handicap table match! Oh, and Rock, I am forcing you to put up the WCW Championship." See, 'cause Shane owns WCW, and as we all know, the Dudley Boyz are WCW supersta.....damn. "And Rock, just to - just to give it a sporting chance, just to give you that little bit of sporting chance - if miraculously, you are able to put D-Von or Bubba Ray through a table then you will retain the WCW title. However - however, when the Dudleyz put your carcass through the table tonight, either Bubba Ray or D-Von will walk outta here the WCW Champion! And Kurt Angle, in case you're having ideas to walk down there during that match, no no. Kurt, if you come down there, then I will strip the Rock of the WCW Championship, and it will revert back to the Alliance where it belongs! How you like that, Rock?" Can someone PLEASE tell me why Shane doesn't strip the Rock RIGHT NOW? WITHOUT all this matchmaking stuff? WITHOUT all these stipulations? (Well, silly, that's not how they *wrote* it.) You know, what you've said applies on a whole level you probably didn't even IMAGINE back when you were saying it just then. Think about it. Back to our witty dialog in the meantime. "Ass hole!" "You wanna know how the Rock likes that? This is what the Rock thinks of your little plan. The Rock exactly like how all these people think, and that's Shano Mac - with all your money, with all your power, you are still without the shadow of a doubt the biggest (beep) walking God's green earth!" "Whoa whoa whoa, Rock, Rock, Rock Rock Rock - hold on a second. I know what you're saying. Now, I think I know what you're saying when you mention...strudel. You see, Rock, *you* have the People's Strudel. Now Stone Cold Steve Austin, he's one GIANT strudel! And Shane McMahon...well Shane, I don't even think you HAVE a strudel. Oh it's true, it's damn true!" Ugh. "Oh, that's so untrue, that's SO untrue, Kurt! Not only do I have a strudel, but I got the whole damn bakery down there!" There it is - the one line this whole segment was built around. Thanks, DICE. AOH! "And Kurt, seeing is, that...I'm all dressed and ready to go, and the WCW Championship is comin' home to the Alliance tonight, how 'bout that the WWF Championship come back home to the Alliance as well, and Kurt, I'm challengin' you tonight In That Very Ring for da World Wrestling Federation championship. How you like that?" Damn, he DOES think he's Dice. "Whaddaya say?" "Shane, I'm likin' that just fine. Well we'll see if you have a strudel or a Twinkie. Let's go. Woow!" What the FUCK does that MEAN? WHO is WRITING this SHIT? For an encore, Shane walks down to ringside - I guess he'll just take 'em both on simultaneously...or, maybe THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ will sneak out through the crowd and give the Pearl Harbor treatment - wait, can I still say that or will people be offended? - to Angle and Rock...that is, until Angle and Rock turn the tide, come back, and get to stompin'. Nick Patrick and Charles Robinson come out to break it up...or rather, distract Angle and Rock just long enough for the Dudleyz to take over once again. Then they leave. Shane joins the Dudleyz this time. Rock is tossed outside while Shane works on Angle's neck. D-Von, get the table. Angle is fed to Bubba Ray, who superbombs him through a table. D-Von does the Testify Dance, then falls to the Rock, who is back in with a clotehsline - clothesline for Bubba Ray - Rock Bottom for D-Von NO Bubba Ray forearms him in the back. 3D (Dudley Death Drop) for the Rock! Play their music!

The Star Trek: The Next Generation marathon continues after RAW! Be sure to stay awake until 2am for the BEST episode in the series, "Conspiracy!"

You know that ad where Michael Jordan tries out all the hairdos and then points to his bald head and says "stick with the original?" Well....I remember him HAVING HAIR when he debuted

Oh, of course I *also* remember him saying he'd be wearing a 45 jersey forever out of respect, and we all know how long THAT lasted.

Come to think of it, just GO AWAY MICHAEL JORDAN (Hey HYPOCRITE - what does THIS have to do with wrestling?) Well of COURSE I'm a hypocrite! Would you read me if I *wasn't?*

Moments Ago, Five Paragraphs Ago - nobody mentions the role the Alliance officials played in tipping the scales - I wonder if they'll build on it or forget it - I wonder if I already answered my own question - I wonder if I'm really souring on sports entertainment

TONIGHT: The graphic is ready: it's the Rock vs. the Dudley Boyz with the WCW title on the line in a handicap match

This must be one of those MAGIC FAX machines that makes noise as part of the audio track of the show, 'cause it's making noise...

TONIGHT: Kurt Angle vs. Shane McMahon for the WCW Championship

Heyman drops his headset in shock at the paper that came from the FAX machine - perhaps he's wondering how a FAX machine could actually WORK, given that there aren't any phone lines actually extending out to the commentary table, NAAAAAAH. Anyway, Heyman stands on the commentary table and addresses the masses.....oops, but his mic doesn't work. Well ain't THAT a pissah. Somebody finally flips a switch, and Heyman says where we can hear it, "Ladies and gentlemen, please - I have a FAX from Stone Cold Steve Austin! 'I, Stone Cold Steve Austin, resent the hell out of the accusations that I am embarrassed or ashamed because I am no longer World Wrestling Federation champion.'" We see a "COMMUNICATING VIA FAX: STONE COLD" graphic - a picture of Austin and his Tron video, placed in front of what looks almost *exactly* like the MSNBC "America on Alert" graphic spun into an endless loop (just before any identifying words would fade in, it starts over) "'I, Stone Cold Steve Austin, resent the fact that each and every one of you people want to belittle me, humiliate me, and make fun of me, just because I am no longer World Wrestling Federation champion.' What? Oh, I get it. 'I resent the fact you are all against me. What? I resent - what? - I resent that you openly and gleefully cheer for a man who stole my title, Kurt Angle, knowing how this must make me feel, and because of that, I most resent all of you, just for being you. Signed, Stone Cold Steve Austin.' Thank you very much."

WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: SPIKE DUDLEY (with Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) v. THE HURACAN - STILL no sign of Molly Holly since Hurricane made like Bastion Booger and gave her a Trip to the Batcave...and Hurricane comes out alone as well, so who can say. Hurricane with the slap to start, in the back, snapmare, cape put away, going for a death suplex but Spike backflips out - gutshot by Spike, into the ropes, hiptoss blocked, Hurricane hits the pose in mid hiptoss, so Spike clotheslines him down. Elbow, into the corner is reversed, boot up by Dudley, Hurricane ducks the charge and hits a super eyepoke. Across the back, spun into a jawbreaker on the knee. Neckbreaker - and pose on the ropes. Right hand, right, right, into the opposite corner, Dudley ducks the super(hero)kick, puts him into the ropes, and hits the hiptoss. Flying jalapeno! Neckbreaker! Wow, Ross actually mentions something that happened on Heat (Spike defeating Mike Awesome)! Spike climbs up top...but flies to the floor, landing on AWESOME MIKE AWESOME (a-HA!) - Dudley back in - walking RIGHT into a super(hero)kick. Hurricane puts the cape on...scoop...and a slam for dudley - climbing up top - he's gonna fly - but Dudley gets a boot up! Dudley removes the cape...flings it at Hurricane, who ducks, and referee "Blind" Mike Chioda gets a faceful of cape instead. Spike wants the Dudley 'dog, but Awesome is up on the apron, grabs an ankle and wrenches it around the top rope, stopping him cold. While Dudley is hung up, Hurricane applies the Eye of the Hurricane (or, as called by Ross, the "...") 1, 2, 3. Champ retains. (2:15) To Ross' credit, he DOES know the name of the WWF guy's finisher... Hurricane grabs his belt and runs off. I guess Awesome is long gone. Dudley makes it out to the floor just in time to see the backstage camera's caught up with Hurricane and putting him up on the EntertainmentTron. He's back...next to another becurtained object. "Behold - the new AND IMPROVED Hurricycle! Sidekick, come quick!" In flies...a freshly permed Molly Holly. "Holy double cross! We gotta get outta here - and fast!" "Wussupwitdat?" Molly, like all modern-day superheroes, is decked out in pink and black (oh, the symbolism of it all!) - Hurricane sweeps her off her feet, get outta my dreams and into my sidecar...and off they ride...

Back to Spike, who looks bummed. We zoom in to take a good look at the scar tissue on his forehead.

"Spike, Spike, it's me. It's me, your little buddy." (It's the Big Show, from WWF New York.) "You know, I saw what just happened. Believe me, I'm sorry. I really am. But you can NOT let this get you down. You know, I'm still with you. The people here at WWF New York are still with you. If there's one thing I have learned...about New York, Baton Rouge, hell, Americans all over the world...is that we know how to party. That's why this Thursday, on SmackDown!, I'm gonna take you out for a night on the town you'll never forget! And believe me, it'll be good for you. This is gonna change you. Because no longer will you be a one woman man. You're gonna be a heart breaker, and a luuuv taker. And Thursday, Spike, it's definitely gonna be....Showtime. Spike! Spike! Spike! Spike!" YIKES

TONIGHT: Undertaker & Kane & Chris Jericho vs. Booker T & Test & Rob van Dam!

Trish Stratus shills Stacker 2

Speaking of Stacker 2, they present the Stacker 2 Burn of the Week, which works out nicely - from SmackDown!, Test and Booker T use sneaky tactics to win the WCW tag team titles

NAPPY T and TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST and POINTS TO SELF v. AD BREAK - T models his "Tell me you didn't just say that?!" Booker shirt. The magic FAX machine dominates the soundtrack, which can only mean one thing. "Excuse me - may I have your attention for a moment, please. I have received another FAX from Stone Cold Steve Austin! 'I (Stone Cold Steve Austin) recognise that I am the greatest superstar in the history of sports entertainment. I further recognise that I am a man among men, an American icon, and the leader of the Alliance. Therefore, I recognise Booker T and Test as the NEW WCW tag team champions, and congratulate them for their success. I further recognise that Rob Van Dam is a lucky, ambitious, talented star who is attempting to follow in Stone Cold's footsteps, and while imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I would remind RVD that NO ONE can fill Stone Cold's shoes. Get someone to hold the--'" Heyman calls ring announcer HOWARD FINKEL over. "Hold the mic. 'I only ask--' Hold this! That's my microphone. 'I only ask RVD to recognise that there's only one leader of the Alliance, and his name is (pointing to self) Stone Cold Steve Austin!' Thank you." Heyman lovingly clutches the FAX to his ample bosom.

UP NEXT: Undertaker & Kane & Chris Jericho vs. the three yahoos in the ring forced to sit through the next ad break!

Kane tries to eat four cans of Chef Boyardee Big Beefaroni...but he's got a MATCH coming up! Isn't that the kind of food that makes you run STRAIGHT to the can after ingestion? Turns out to be a moot point - Kane can't get the pasta past his MASK

NAPPY T & TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST & POINTS TO SELF v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO and FUN BROTHERS - if this is our main event, what do we call the eighty minutes worth of matches yet to come? WOW those two kids in the crowd who know all the words to "Rollin'" are the COOLEST people on EARTH. Who's starting? It's Booker and Jericho. Lockup, side headlock by T, chain wrestling to...another side headlock, whee. Jericho powers out, T hits a shoulderblock. Up and over, Jericho leapfrog, Jericho flying jalapeno. Chop, chop, chop, whip into the corner is reversed, Jericho up and over, flapjack. Head to the buckle, who wants the tag? Taker gets it. Tripleteam. Kick, soupbone, soupbone, tag back to Jericho. Guess he wasn't supposed to get that tag this early. Jericho pulls him out - T reverses the whip and pulls him into a back kick. Tag to Test. Off the ropes, Jericho ducks, Test tosses him into the corner, but Jericho puts up a boot. Missile dropkick. Tag to Taker - NOW he wants it - open shot. Arm wringer, pump handle, shoulder first into the turnbuckle. Back to the arm wringer - Taker puts his free hand underneath Test's arm and helps Test lock his arm so that Taker can boost him over his head (whoa, that looks really cool), then drop him back down. Full twist on the arm wringer puts Test down, legdrop onto the arm, and STILL holding the knuckle lock so he can go Old Skool. 1, 2, Test slides the shoulder out. Tag to Kane - holding him for a free shot. Right, right, right, into the ropes, Test reverses into a side Russian leg sweep. There's another one. Test wants a third but Kane doesn't want to sell a third and elbows out...then gives Test a sidewalk slam. Kane out - climbing up - flying clothesline finds the mark (but, as usual, Kane's feet hit the mat before he connects on the move). Rob van Dam comes in without a tag - HE gets a big boot. Test gets a choke - T in, HE also gets a choke - van Dam with an uppernut to prevent a completion of the move. I should add that referee "Blind" Tim White had a clear view of the foul and does NOTHING, save get into position to deal with Taker and Jericho, who decide a second later that maybe they should come in and try to get involved. Test and Booker have Kane on the outside, meantime, and put him into the STEEL steps...but roll him back in when Taker tries to come around ringside. van Dam, having apparently convinced White he HAD tagged in, stomps, runs the ropes and hits the somersault and somersault senton. Taker pulls him off the cover. Tag to T. Right hand, right, tag to Test, held open for the right. Head to the buckle, right, back elbow, right, back elbow, right, right, right, right, right, right. Into the corner, follow lariat. Into the opposite corner, Kane gets the elbow up. Now he fights back - right, Test ducks, full nelson, Kane gets out and hits the death suplex. Both men down, van Dam gets the tag. Kane catches the side kick attempt and powerslams him. Tag to Taker! Soupbone! Soupbone! Into the ropes, big boot - soupbone for Test, soupbone for T, soupbone for Test, opposite corner lariat for T, opposite corner lariat for Test, clothesline for T, big boot for Test, gutshot for T, powerbomb attempted but van Dam breaks it up with a crescent kick. Jericho in, bulldog for van Dam - Lionsault, no, lands on his feet, T with a full nelson but Jericho ducks out and unfortunately T takes van Dam's oncoming heel kick full force...Jericho clotheslines van Dam out of the ring - and himself as well! Kane clotheslines T out. Test with Wotsitolla Boot on Kane and HE'S out. Taker up from behind - gutshot, Last Ride whoa whoa whoa Test having real problems getting into position - help from the ropes - Taker DOES finish the powerbomb (not as business-exposing as you might worry, actually), T in to clothesline *Taker* out, Jericho back in and hits a double leg takedown, into the Walls! But van Dam is back in - springboard kick for Jericho - rollup - well, maybe at least ONE of them is legal there - 1, 2, 3. (6:57) Commentators are quick to point out that the Alliance has won every match tonight. They quickly scatter...

Let Us Take You Back to Heat, where Stacy and Torrie had an (heh heh) "encounter" backstage prior to their mixed tag match - the most fascinating bit about this is catfight that if you stare at the Heat logo long enough, you realise that IT is on a seven second loop!

Torrie Wilson stands at the oilcans and cyclone fencing set (with new "RAW" logo, mind you) - she'll chat with Lilian Garcia NEXT!

Hmmm, so Finkel isn't just ring announcing so Garcia can take a vacation? Have my prayers been answered!?

Catch the WWF LIVE! Tickets are on sale Saturday for Bangor, Hartford, Boston for RAW, Albany for SmackDown!, and Greensboro for Survivor Series!

Heyman narrates a "Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley Injury Update," complete with graphic. She could be back as early as next week! For anybody else, it'd be AT LEAST six months...

Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! for the (not very) exciting story of Stephanie's injury...and (not very) actions during its aftermath. Rumour has it that Stephanie is going to take some real-life time out, in order to get her breasts augmented. But you didn't hear that from me.

Mike Awesome thanks Rob van Dam for the smokin' advice he gave him earlier (what an unfortunate choice of words) - by poppin' Spike one, he's totally redeemed himself! Awesome takes off after a final thanks...as, almost simultaneously, Shane enters the picture. He wants to talk about what happened to his sister. van Dam protests, saying he didn't want her down there. Shane reminds van Dam of Austin's FAX, telling him not to assume he's the leader of the Alliance (huh?) - van Dam says he doesn't HAVE to assume anything because he's Points To Self (huh?) and then he walks off. (Huh?)

Meanwhile, LILIAN GARCIA stands with Torrie Wilson to get a comment on her and Tajiri's return match with Stacy & Tazz - but before she gets that comment, Stacy forearms Torrie down, attempts to rip her shirt off, attempts to rip *Lilian's* top off, then Sparks, Robinson and a tech guy separate all three ladies. Stacy says "I got YOU, and I got YOU..." and I think "your muscles are showing!" which makes about as much sense as any other guess I can make. Lilian says something in Spanish which probably roughly translates to "I'm MUCH more comfortable in Spanish than I am in English!" I wonder if what she said was broadcast in English on the SAP.

UP NEXT: The Rock vs. the Dudley Boyz in a handicap table match for the WCW title!

Kurt Angle beats up the TNN logo! YAY! TNN blatantly thieves on TAON's "Close (to the Edit)" for the soundtrack of their new ad! BOO! Wow, they really dressed up Torrie to look just like Pamela Anderson, didn't they? (Umm, that IS Pamela Anderson.) No, there, in the red. (Oh, yeah. Why's she parachuting off the TNN logo?) You're asking ME? This ad makes no sense! Waaaaait....I GET it! The NEW TNN! It's exactly like the OLD TNN - but with ST:TNG!

Booker T: "the NEW TNN!" Wow, he seems to ANGRY when he says it THAT way...

And now, Lugz presents the WWF Boot of the Week! From SmackDown!, Booker T, Test and Shane help the Dudley Boyz use their boots to....um....3D Rock through a table. Um...with their BOOTS. Umm.....yeah. Boot of the Week. 3D. Boots. Boots. Hey, look over there!

WCW CHAMPIONSHIP: THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ (with Earlier Tonight) v. THE ROCK in a handicap table match - Ross welcomes us to "the RAW Zone" - the WWF's new name for the second hour of the show, replacing the War Zone. "War Zone" at least had some semblance of meaning beyond its titular capacity, while "Raw Zone" means just about as much as....say.... "Discovery Zone." Rock runs down to ringside really fast - and gets beaten down in a double team anyway. Oh well. Into the ropes, Rock flies off with a double clothesline to turn it around. D-Von tossed over the top, Bubba Ray tossed over the top...Rock outside. D-Von into the commentary table. Bubba Ray into the commentary table. BOTH into the commentary table. Right for Bubba Ray, right, Bubba with a knee. Bubba winds up with a clothesline - Rock ducks and D-Von takes it. Bubba Ray slid completely across the commentary table. Heyman assures us the FAX machine is okay as Rock puts a table into the ring. D-Von from behind - Rock thrown back in - field goal kick, right, right, right, kick, into the ropes, reversed and Rock pulls D-Von into a clothesline. Rock dropkicks a table into Bubba Ray on the floor - D-Von pops up with a clothesline for Rock.k Stomp. I should mention that referee "Blind" Nick Patrick is wearing the new WCW officials' shirt - the ugly white shirts have been replaced by slightly-less-but-still-kinda ugly grey shirts. Rock with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, into the ropes is reversed, and Bubba Ray ankles him. Bubba Ray back in - scoop...and a slam. D-Von with the "headbutt to the graun" spot. Patrick finally puts one man in the corner - D-Von stays in - stomp, stomp. D-Von sets up the table. Right. Going for...something...but taking too long - Rock pops up, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Bubba Ray with a forearm in the back. Right by D-Von. Tag. Bubba Ray in - forearm in the back, forearm. Suplex (not on the table - WHY). Tag to D-Von. Right hand. Right, right, Rock right, right, right, blind tag, whip is reversed, Bubba Ray grabs a waistlock - double neckbreaker (not on the table - WHY). Bubba Ray asks Rock to get up. Ross asks who would have gotten the title if that HAD been on the table - as if anybody had ACTUALLY thought that far ahead. Gosh, there's no tension at all between the Dudleyz about only one title and two of them, huh? That's just GOOD CHARACTER WRITING, isn't it. Bubba Ray with a neckbreaker (not through the table). Elbowdrop. Overhand fist. Tag to D-Von, 'cause I guess Bubba Ray doesn't really WANT the title. D-Von at least puts Rock ON the table after punching him. Right, right. Rock pops up - right, right, walking over to Bubba Ray, who was climbing the corner - tosses him off, but D-Von moves the table out of the way just in the nick of time. D-Von with his jumpin' back elbow to regain control. Closeup on the wrong foot as D-Von stomps. D-Von brings the second table back into the match as each Dudley sets up a table. "Rock E!" chant. Rock whipped into the ropes (if they hit 3D, who wins the title?), but Rock holds on (oh well), then steps aside as D-Von charges him, putting him outside. Bubba Ray caught in a Samoan Drop and everybody's down. Why is Patrick counting to ten? Can there be a countout in this match? There's no DQs, after all. Bubba Ray up first - but Rock blocks - right, right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, but Rock hits a gutshot and DDT. In comes D-Von - right, right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT! Rock positions a table - ROCK BOTTOM but Bubba Ray pulls the table out. Bubba Ray runs at him but Rock gives him the spinebuster. For some reason, Patrick inserts himself at this point - I guess Rock is beating up an illegal man? Ha ha, look at me try to use LOGIC. Anyway, Patrick points to the WCW patch on his shirt until SHANO MAC runs out and flies in with a clothesline to Rock's back - and, incidentally, into Patrick, who takes the end of the collision and dutifully tumbles to the mat out cold. Shane shoves Rock into the ropes - then gives HIM a spinebuster through the table! Then he runs off. Of course, there's no ref. Here comes CHARLES ROBINSON, sprinting down to the ring....looks confused - goes outside and grabs the belt, does NOT call for the bell (idiot) - but no sooner is he back in than MIKE CHIODA is out from the back, giving Robinson what for, then shoving him, then punching him out. Bubba Ray wants to know what's going on...then decides to put Rock through the second table and end the controversy. "Rock E!" Rock *miraculously* shakes everything off and gives Bubba Ray Rock Bottom through the table, ending our misery - I mean, this match. Champ retains. (8:01)

TONIGHT: Kurt Angle vs. Shane McMahon for the WWF Championship - I'm sure it'll be a barn burner.

UP NEXT: Tajiri & Torrie Wilson vs. Tazz & Stacy Keibler - why watch Heat? We'll have it again tonight!

Kurt Angle tells us that we'd really enjoy reading his book - it's true.

The Star Trek: The Next Generation marathon continues after RAW!

The Very Best of BOBBY VINTON?! Are you KIDDING me?!

"Ssssssssssssss... Ssssssssssssss... I wanna give everyone a warm HELLO! Because, you see, every morning I give myself a warm hello, and it makes me feel great! And I want YOU to feel guh-reat! The most important way to feeling great is being positive. For example, recently I hurt my knee, and I had to have surgery. BUT, that's not a bad thing; that's a good thing! You see, now my knee is getting stronger than ever! And I LOVE rehabilitation. I love to work out. And I love (breathes) yoga. (Oh, he wasn't going sssss...he was breathing. Page hits "People Magazine feature photo" leg over the head pose) Because it's positive for my body! And if it's positive for my body, it's positive for my mind! So, follow DDP's example, and get your lazy butts off the couch and do some yoga. And you'll see, just like me (DDP) that I like me, you like me, and I am gonna make you like you."

TAJIRI & TORRIE SAMUDA (with ha ha Paul Heyman said "RAW is WAR" he's gonna be FINED - anyway, RAW is brought to you by "The Mummy Returns," Whacko Tobacco, and Starburst) v. TAZZZZZZZZZZZ & STACY KEIBLER (with Earlier Tonight) - Men start - Tazz right, right, into the ropes, Tajiri slides under, Tazz slaps him - into the ropes, Tajiri handspring elbow off the ropes. Kick, kick, kick caught - Tazz with a head and arm fisherman Tazzplex! (Remind me to look up what that's REALLY called someday) NOW Stacy wants a tag - and gets it! Stacy starts...dancing? So Tajiri kicks her in the keister. Tajiri dances to his corner and tags Torrie - double leg takedown - CATFIGHT CATFIGHT CATFIGHT ahhhhh whatever. Pick it up as Torrie slams Stacy's head to the buckle, kick, kick, whip into the opposite corner, Stacy up and over, rollup, 2. Torrie with a kick. Torrie, I *think*, hits a handspring elbow a la Tajiri but unfortunately, referee "Blind" Brian Hebner blocks the cameraman's (and our) view. It was probably a crappy elbow, anyway. Stacy with a crappy jawbreaker to turn it around. Tazz wants the tag - and gets it - he grabs Torrie and drags her away from Tajiri - but Stacy tags herself back in (dummy) - Torrie manages to sneak away and make a tag while they argue. Tajiri with the many punch many kick but ultimately no damage attack, now has Tazz in the Tarantula, meanwhile IVORY is out as Stacy flips out of a death suplex attempt - Ivory with a DDT on Torrie, Stacy covers - 1, 2, 3. (2:23) I don't think Torrie was legal but it's been that kinda night. Fortunately, we are saved by another ringydingy from the MAGIC FAX machine. "Pardon moi, but I have yet another FAX from Stone Cold Steve Austin! 'I (Stone Cold Steve Austin) object to the degrading and disrespectful comments that have been made about me tonight by Jim Ross. I am not a coward! I am a courageous man! A man who has paved the way for other valiant men of honour to follow. In spite of what JR has said, I have not lost my self-respect. I have gained even more respect for myself because of who I am, and I respect the rights of others. Lastly, I am certainly not a bully. I hate bullies. I have hated bullies all of my life. I am a sensitive human being who respects the rights of others. Therefore, further degrading and disrespectful comments by Mr. Ross will result in me stomping a mudhole in Mr. Ross' ten gallon head. Signed, Stone Cold Steve Austin.'" Ross is sure Austin is around and will be here tonight...

I guess Ross isn't smart enough to look at the number at the top of the FAX and see if it's local, though.

Trish Stratus shills Stacker 2 - again

We come back to the Commissioner's office, where Ivory has been summoned. He asks her why she cost Tajiri & Torrie the match. Who does she think she is? "I am Ivory. Okay? I'm...I-vory. And you wanna know why I went out there? Because the more of ME that the fans see, well the more they like it. That's why I'm really here, right Commissioner? Maybe you just want a little closer look yourself. Question is, Mr. Regal, are you more into tops - or - (slaps) bottoms." Ivory turns round and reveals what MIGHT be a cutout in the back of her pants and MAYBE something that MIGHT be the top of the crack of her ass...or perhaps it's just an incredible simulation. Whatever, I bet it makes the kids happy. "Oh, you filthy disgusting (something English - "scrummock?") - why don't you cover that up, you'll get a bloody draft in there and get pneumonia?" Storm is in. "Why am I not surprised. Instead of spending your time running the World Wrestling Federation, you're using your power to call Ivory in here and ogle her. Well that's sexual harrassment, my friend. I have half a mind to call the authorities on you." "Listen to me, sunshine. I'll give you bloody harrassment. Why don't you go and get in the ring, I'll put my boots on, and I'll give you a bloody good hiding. Now get out of here, you poefaced pillock, and take this disgusting trollop with you! Go on, bugger off!"

CHRISTIAN is out. Heyman goes out of his way to tell us Austin will NOT be here tonight. Perhaps this is overcompensation for all the bait and switch we got last week? "You know something, I just don't get it. I thought after I won the intercontinental title, I'd start to get a little respect around here. You know, most people, if they won a title like this, they'd probably just run and hide...but last week, I successfully retained my title against both Chris Jericho and Bradshaw. I mean, I'm on pace to become the fightingest intercontinental champion of all time, and you people don't appreciate it! I mean, last week, a group of people like you...only with teeth (HA!)....I forgot, this is Baton Rouge...I mean, people like you, only AVEC L'TEETH...c'mon people, Paris is thataway. I mean I can understand you trying to be French, but you don't have to try and copy their hygiene - try L'deodorant once in awhile..." Fans either chant "Baton Rouge" or whatever "asshole" in French is. "Anyway, these people had the audacity to start shouting at me 'Christian sucks!' I mean, I can't believe it! What does everybody have against me, why does everybody hate me? Do you have any idea what it's like to have everybody hate you? Huh?" X-PAC NEVER JOBS IN INTERVIEW SEGMENTS is out...to provide an answer? To provide sympathy? Probably. "Hey man, Christian, bro...I feel your pain, man. I know what it's like. I know what it's like, man. In case..." "X Pac sux!" "All right - hey - in case you hadn't - in case you hadn't remembered, I was on top of the owrld around here. You know? I was part of the most popular group in World Wrestling Federation history! You know what I mean? And you know what happened? I went out on my own, you know people love me, I went out on my own, became a successful singles competitor, you know what they did? They turned on me, man, just like you, they turned on me. You know what? They chewed me up and they spit me out." "Shame on you people! Shame on you all!" "Hey - hey hey - that's all right - that's all right, bro. Let 'em have their fun. Let these nimrods have their fun, because you know what? The fact of the matter is...all you people are LOSERS! And you and I...you know...we're winners. Hahahahahaha!" And here comes KING EDGE (with Rob Zombie CD cover) to provide a rebuttal. "X-Pac, my good man, a few corrections if I may. These people didn't chew you up and spit you out, you simply make them wanna puke!" "That ain't funny!" "And as far as being part of the most popular group in WWF history, well hanging out with cool people does not make you a really cool person. Oh, and by the way, 1998 called and they're sick and tired of you, so feel free to join us in the year 2001 any time! Now you look confused, so let me explain. You see, at one point I was into this whole goth thing, but then I developed my very own persona - it's called character development. You should look into it sometime." "You know something, Edge...you're pretty cocky for a guy that just had his ass handed to him less than a week ago." "Yeah! Pretty COCKY!" X-Pac liked that one, I guess. Edge waits out an "Edge chant." "Ah, Christian. My dear, sweet little brother Christian. You wonder why all these people hate you? Well...why don't we just ask them. Now....don't be shy, people. Do you hate Christian because he's extremely annoying? Do you hate him becuase he totally sucks? Or do you hate him because simply, he's a jealous, bitter, paranoid coward...who after years of therapy STILL wets his bed? I--" YAAAAAAALBERT from behind with the scissors kick to the back of the neck - and kicked down the ramp, where X-Pac & Christian meet him. Edge into the corner, yaaaaaaaavalanche, sent into a spinning heel kick by X-Pac. Christian brings in the two chairs, but before he can unleash another Conchairto on his brother, the APA run out, sending the heels scattering. Play their music!

Kane's ready to waste ANOTHER four cans of Chef Boyardee Big Beefaroni in his futile attempt to feed the need - I'm BEGGING ya

Catch the WWF LIVE this week! Tomorrow in Mobile! Saturday, it's Winnipeg! Sunday, Valparaiso U! Monday is RAW in Indy! And a week from tomorrow, it's Moline!

Backstage, Kurt Angle limbers up!

LANCE STORM (with Ivory - and Star Trek: the Next Generation marathon continues NEXT on TNN!) v. COMMISSIONER REGAL - Storm attacks as Regal goes through the ropes and we're underway. Jawbreaker - dropkick. Head to the buckle, right, right, snapmare, legdrop, 1, 2, kickout. Into the ropes, reversed and Regal sits Storm on the top rope and lets him fall outside. Regal follows. Kneelift. European uppercut, forearm, forearm, shoved into the apron. Regal's nose is bleeding (from one of Storm's punches?) Storm's sternum put across the apron. Another forearm. Regal back in - whipped back to the mat, elbowdrop, 2. Wow lookit all the BLUD. I wonder if those European elbows are landing any harder due to that earlier potato. Whip into the oppostie corner but Storm gets the boot up. Off the ropes, but into another elbow from Regal. Regal ties him up in the Regal Stretch - well, it's over. (1:37) No sooner does Regal's music start than the MAGIC FAX machine starts making sound effects again. Heyman produces a FAX - then stands on the commentary table again. I think the best part of these FAX readings has been watching the people in the front row directly behind Heyman. "Ahhh, could you turn down the music a moment please? Willie! Willie, you should pay attention to this. 'I (Stone Cold Steve Austin) believe that WWF Commissioner William Regal attempt to do the right thing for WWF fans. The right thing for the WWF Commissioner to do is to entice Stone Cold Steve Austin to return to RAW and SmackDown! The right thing for the Commissioner to do is to strip Kurt Angle of the WWF title and return the WWF title to me, its rightful owner. If the Commissioner doesn't do the right thing, then the least Mr. Regal should do is to name Stone Cold Steve Austin #1 Contender and award Mr. Austin with a WWF title shot of tonight's Shane McMahon/Kurt Angle match...OR ELSE.' You understand that? See, Willie...Stone Cold Steve Austin wants you to know OR ELSE. Now this FAX came to me personally from Stone Cold Steve Austin, and you know what you're gonna do, Willie? You're gonna pay attention to that. Because when Stone Cold has a message for you, you pay attention! Stone Cold Steve Austin! Right to you! You understand me?! That's a message from Stone Cold! From Stone Cold! Oh excuse me, I'm doing the interview. Do you have a comment?" "Mr. Heyman, thank you very much indeed for relaying that message to me. I wonder if you could possibly relay this message to Stone Cold Steve Austin..." and he hauls off and slaps him with his left hand. "Now...thank you very much indeed." Regal's music plays and he walks off. Ross: "All hail the - the Queen! (Not Heyman)" Heyman: "OWWWWWWW!"

Can you BELIEVE it? Kane's wasted TWELVE cans of pasta this episode ALONE!! YOU'RE WEARING A MASK!! IT AIN'T HAPPENING, MY MAN

This time *Lita* destroys the TNN logo - but Booker T is still unhappy - and TNN still better be paying Horn/Dudley/Jeczalik/Langham/Morley some royalties...

Tough Enough finale recap - in case you didn't know, Nidia and Maven won, Taylor and Josh were screwed, and Chris - well, nobody cares about Chris

Tough Enough 2 is coming! Be afraid! Be VERY afraid!

Backstage, Tazz stands with MAVEN, and breaks to him that he's competing on SmackDown! "As a matter of fact, in a few seconds, your opponent is coming right through that door." Maven turns his back...and Tazz clamps on the Tazzmission. "Welcome to the big time, kid! Your opponent is ME."

Actually, what should have surprised Maven is that he found out who his opponent was going to be...AND it wasn't the night of the show that he found out!

Elsewhere, Shane has caught up to Rob van Dam again. Apparently, the conversation wasn't completed earlier. "What'd you say to my sister last Thursday?" "Look, alls I told Stephanie was 'Don't do me any favours.'" Shane says he sees. He goes on to ask Rob van Dam to be the first Alliance member to witness history - to see him become WWF champion - and just like he told his sister on Thursday, he doesn't want HIM to do HIM any "favours..." "'cause I'm (points to self) Shay No Mac...the NEW World Wrestling Federation champion! Dig it! Let's go! Angle's going down!" "Okay...let's go!"

UP NEXT: Kurt Angle vs. Shane McMahone for the WWF Championship! Hoo boy!

WWF CHAMPIONSHIP: SHANE CAN'T DANCE (with Points To Self - and Subway presents WWF No Mercy in just under three weeks!) v. KURT ANGLE (with book signing at WWF New York Thursday from 1-3!) - didja see how Angle got his pyro THIS time? That's what I'm TALKIN' about, folks! Angle ducks, right, right, right, right, right, into the opposite corner is reversed, Angle with a clothesline out of the corner. Ross: "Shane McMahon is an amazing athlete!" Ross (thinking): "...who needs to lose a few pounds..." Clothesline. Flying jalapeno. Shane decides to hightail it - Angle out after him and the chase is on - van Dam stops him after Shane runs by...then points to himself for Angle's benefit - Angle pops him one in response (ha!). Angle back in - Shane with a double sledge in the back, again, again. Into the ropes, reversed, Angle with a belly-to-belly throw. Snap suplex. Mount, right, right, right, right. Angle holding his neck after every move. Vertical suplex over the top rope to the floor (!) but Shane manages to land on the apron, kinda hitting a reverse hot shot on his way down. Angle to the apron, Shane with a bona fide hot shot on Angle. Shane going up top...highspotty springboard clothesline - leg is hooked - 2. Give the highspot a Subway replay. Shane with a European forearm to the back of the neck. Again, Shane pulls back on Angle's head, and forearms the back of his neck. Shane going for a third - and getting it. Shane with a back kick to the head. Neckbreaker. (I think he's picked a body part.) You too? Cover - 2. Cover - 2. Right hand by McMahon. Angle pops up - right, right, right, into the ropes, Shane reverses into the UGLIEST floatover DDT I've ever seen - and I've seen the ROCK do that move! Shane climbs up top for a Savage elbow...but apparently hurting *himself* in the process - now crawling over - 1, 2, NO! Subway replay of the highspot. Shufflin' Shane is shufflin' - left jab, left, left, but the big right is blocked - Angle right, right, right, right right right, right, right, right right right right right right right right. Angle wants him to get up - ducks a swing, German suplex, holding on for two...holding on for THREE...and letting go - perhaps to once again hold his own head. Both men slow to get up - Angle clotheslines Shane out of the ring...and goes out after him. Right hand. Right. McMahon rakes the face. Shane with a whip - reversed - belly-to-belly overhead throw on the floor! Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner actually starts a count out on the floor - but I don't know if it's a COR count, or just that KO count. At any rate, it's a moot point as Angle puts Shane back in the ring. Before he gets back in, van Dam grabs his ankle - I think he had something reallly important to say to him! van Dam points to his own chin - and Shane nudges him off the apron to the floor. van Dam on the apron - Fivestar frog splash onto Angle on the floor!! Give THAT a Subway Replay! van Dam tosses Angle back in to McMahon - he ain't movin'. McMahon hooks the leg - 1, 2, KICKOUT!! van Dam relieves Finkel of his chair...but before he can use it, Angle dropkicks through the ropes onto the chair onto van Dam! Shane with a leaping clothesline to the back of Angle's head. Drops with a double fist - right, right, right, right, right, and so on. Elbowdrop, elbowdrop, elbowdrop. Shane picks him up...he wants the piledriver (!) but Angle counters with a double leg slam...and the Anglelock!! Shane taps, as Ross says, "just like Stone Cold did!" (7:48) I don't know, Shane wasn't holding the ring apron. Anyway, Angle heads up the ramp triumphant...will Austin appear behind him? Nope - the RAW Zone (heh) credits are up...and we're out...

Stand by for "Encounter at Farpoint II!"

Now, I've been sick all week and offline, so I probably shouldn't crack any Russo jokes until I'm well and sure he didn't come back and start writing WWF television while I wasn't paying attention, but hoooooo boy this show was pretty mostly stinky. I mean, I HEARD people writing me angry emails while I was writing this report, and I haven't gotten THAT feeling since...well...my bout of bronchitis last year. HEY! Maybe it's just a side effect of the illness and it ain't REALLY gonna happen. IT'S ALL HALLUCINATION!!

(I sure hope. We'll see Thursday.)