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PERSONAL REQUEST: I *desperately* need to either get in touch with (a) any of my readers from Germany who are members of the Bertelsmann Club, (b) any of my readers NOT from Germany who are members of the Bertelsmann Club, (c) any of my readers who have no idea what the Bertelsmann Club is but speak fluent German and wouldn't mind helping me through their website. (If you're curious, their site is at Unfortunately, this has nothing to do with, wait! How about this - if you can help me out I'll send you a FABULOUS wrestling-related gift, not to mention the standard mention at the top of the column. Wow, don't you want to help me NOW? Hee hee!

Can I say one thing? It's all well and good for JR to use Ross Report space to tell us not to bitch out the writers when we perceive crap on our television screen, but it's ANOTHER thing to put something on our television screen that WON'T be perceived as crap instead - I shouldn't have to tell you, the major difference being that one way will make you a heck of a lot more money in the long run, and the other way will alienate enough of your audience that you've become an EX-business. (I don't think it'll go that far, but who ever thought WCW would really go out of business? May we live in interesting times.)

QUICK QUOTE: WWF 11.52 (- .87, last year: 14 5/8)

TONIGHT: It's "the biggest RAW of the year" and the WWF title is on the line! Stone Cold Steve Austin returns and collides with Kurt Angle one more time - and with a match like that, don't expect any *other* announcements - that's supposed to be *enough* to sell the show! Guess worked for me. I'll be here in fourteen minutes...

...but as I'd already seen "Encounter at Farpoint I" LAST week at this time, I think I'll go back to watching "the Weakest Link."

Holy CATS those were some tough final questions.

One World Leader Attitude - TV-14-DLV - CC - biggest of the year - WWF!

How did tonight's main event come about? Well, you can watch this set of clips...or you can go read the SmackDown! report

Biggest Opening Credits Ever

MOST IMPORTANT PYRO EVER! LIVE from the Conesco Fieldhouse in Indianapolis, IN 8.10.1, it's the WWF - it's RAW - it's (THE NEW) TNN & TSN and don't you DARE forget that this is the biggest RAW in history! Also, it's transmitido en espanol and there are people in WWF New York

TONIGHT: Stone Cold vs. Kurt Angle for the WWF Championship! But first, our most important opening match ever...

DUDLEY BOYZ (with Stacy Dudley - and Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) and TAZZZZZZZ v. TAJIRI (with Torrie Samuda....and No Mercy graphic: 1st Ever Lingerie Match - and a misplaced WWF Live voiceover) and WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW & SPIKE DUDLEY - Stacy is clad in camo mini, Dudley T and Dudley glasses - Heyman proclaims her the "Duchess of Dudleyville." Apparently, this matchup must be somehow related to last week's bikini contest....but I'll have to get back to you on that one once I figure it out. This just in: Maven gets a rematch with Tazz Thursday on SmackDown! Doesn't that make you want to tune in? The news never stops: it's the first ever lingerie match at No Mercy - Stacy Keibler vs. Torrie Wilson - set phasers to stroke. Faces rush the ring and Katie needs to bar the door - out goes D-Von, out goes Bubba Ray, Tazz and Spike are left in the ring - Spike into the corner, boot up by Spike, Spike runs into a head-and-arm Tazzplex. Tag to D-Von. Right, uppercut, scoop...and a slam. D-Von to the second rope - DON'T DO IT IT NEVER WORKS - sure enough, it didn't. Both men down - tag to Tazz - HOT TAG AFTER ONLY A MINUTE OF ACTION to the Show! Well it's a big clothesline! Well it's a big clothesline! Well it's a big backdrop for D-Von - well it's a big scoop slam for Bubba Ray - D-Von in the choke - well it's a big mule kick in the mush for Tazz to keep him from breaking it up - Bubba Ray gets a choke from the OTHER hand - Tazz with an uppernut to prevent le bomba (referee "Blind" Teddy Long occupied with Stacy on the apron). Double clothesline by the Dudleyz puts Show outside...where he lands on his feet, and ankles both the Dudleyz, bringing them out with him. Tazz wants a piece - well it's a big headbutt between the ropes (haha Tazz is short and Show is tall) - Tazz walks into a KICK from Tajiri (don't remember him getting a tag) - 1, 2, 3. (1:37) Oh, it's gonna be one o' THOSE kinda shows, huh? The postmatch celebration between Torrie and Tajiri is cut short when Bubba Ray hits a blind clothesline. Ross can't tell Stacy and Torrie apart - I guess all them white women look alike or something. Spike in - Dudley 'dog attempt on Bubba Ray, but he just tosses him over the ropes to the floor and the barricade. Stacy stands over Tajiri and laughs...but Torrie is in. SLAP! The catfight is prevented as Bubba Ray gives her a glare...and Stacy forearms her in the back. Tajiri back up - Tazz gets HIM from behind with the crossface chicken wing. D-Von, get the table. Stacy directs traffic as Torrie is fed to Bubba Ray - and superbombed through the table. Say, perhaps you are getting busy noticing that the post-match doubled the length of the actual match....well, you're probably the cynical type that wondered how the Big Show could have possibly been out cold on the outside so long, too. Shame on you! This is ENTERTAINMENT, people! EMTs, NOT CHRIS THE TRAINER, TONY GAREA and COMMISSIONER REGAL are out to check on Torrie as WE check out a replay. Stick around, we're JUST getting started!

Hey, you know what? Now that it's the EIGHTH of October, we don't need to see those "10-01-01" Star Trek: TNG ads anymore. Yeah, I know! Sorry Wil Wheaton, your fifteen minutes are UP! The door is THAT way - and it leads to another stop on the convention circuit. Say hi to Marina Sirtis for me!

Moments Ago, two paragraphs ago - try not to notice that it's Bubba's butt going through the table, and not Torrie, or you might become less entertained...

The EMTs try to get Torrie to move her hand...or eyes

STEPHANIE IS BACK - HIDE YOUR OUTRAGE is back - hide your outrage. It's all about the *hand placement* with that one. If Stephanie is supposed to have a "trillion dollar body," ...well, I forgot to come up with a good joke here, but maybe next time. HEY! We're REALLY lucky, 'cause she's goin to share a few words with us! "Please, stop your appluase - stop your applause. After witnessing what just happened in this ring to Torrie Wilson..." "Slut!" "The - the only thing I can say about what happened to Torrie Wilson is...BIG DEAL! I mean, Torrie Wilson only went through a table, whereas I was pulverized by Chris Jericho two weeks ago on SmackDown! I mean, Torrie doesn't deserve your sympathy. She got what she had coming to her, whereas I was an innocent victim! Roll the footage! Look, look here I am - I'm, I'm trying to clear the ring of any debris, and Chris Jericho just....put me in the Walls of Jericho and I had two herniated discs and then WHAM I suffered a bruised sternum - oh and, oh, oh, it hurt so much, oh God - then I - I suffered...I suffered a mild concussion! Now I know you all admire me for making such a speedy recovery...and after only two weeks, I am proud to say that I'M BACK! I feel so great...I feel like I could DOOOO ANYTHIIIING!" There's a line there. "And I would like nothing more than to watch Stone Cold Steve Austin DEFEAT Kurt Angle and once again BECOME THE WWF CHAMPION! I couldn't stay away from the arena tonight, and Stone Cold, I just wanted to say that I am SO proud--" The Y2J countdown cuts her off and I'm sure CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO will pick up that spare left by the earlier line. Oh my, so Torrie goes through a table.....for the benefit of setting up a Stephanie speech? Is THAT what just happened? I hear Jericho's gonna turn tonight - let's hope not. "Y2J" chant. "Stephanie, it's SO GOOD to see you again, I mean I'm so happy that you're okay. And what was that stuff you were saying - you feel like you can DOOOO anybody?" Cha-ching! "And how 'bout when you were talking about being on your back - oh nonononono - you said that you have back - oh no, wait, I'm sorry, you said that you are back, well that makes sense too - and speaking of... two." He points to her alleged rack. "I--" Oops, here come de money - here comes STEPHANIE DANCES SO SHANE DOESN'T HAVE TO. Good God, Stephanie is going the Elaine Benes dance...if she had her hand surgically attached to her hip. Shane stares and glares - so will THEY go at it? Or will Shane sign up Jericho to the Alliance like everybody *swears* is gonna happen? "You know, Jericho, for years, you've been coming out here and making fun of my sister (Stephanie). Well I've sat back and watched idly by, and I've done nothing about it, and do you know why, Chris? Well, 'cause quite frankly...I think you're hilarious. He's hysterical! You know especially the name where, I have no idea where you came up with this one, what's that name you call my sister? That filthy, dirty, disgusting, bottom-feeding, trashbag--" "Ho - the magic word is HO." He forgot "brutal." "I'm sorry. Steph, you gotta give the man credit, the man is funny." "NOT funny!" "Okay? The man - the man is funny." "He's NOT funny." "It's okay. You know, but Chris, you know I thought you'd run out of Stephanie material by now, I mean, but you're like a lyrical genius, you just keep going and going and the Stephanie jokes keep going and going, I'm like MAN this guy is smart! But you know, Chris, if you would just focus - if you'd focus just half the amount of time on winning the big matchups as you do of coming up with insults to my sister, you know what, Chris? You could be the MAN right now. But no, that's not what you wanna do. Chris, you COULD be a champion, but is that what you focus on? No, that's not what you focus on - so that's cool, so come out here to the ring as you do, come out entertaining all of these people as you always have, Chris, because you know what? There's always room for the comic relief in the show, but you NEVER - remember this - will ever, just like the Colts and Pacers here, Chris.... you will always be nothing more than a choke artist." "In case you didn't hear my brother, he called you a CHOOOOOKE ARRRRRRRTIST....hahahahaha." "Ha ha ha ha - choke artist, that's that's, that's a good one. Yeah, that's quite entertaining, know what else would be entertaining? It would be entertaining for the two of you to join up as a tag team? Yeah, that's right. For the first time ever in the World Wrestling Federation rings - a brother and a sister teaming up, yeah, SHANE and STEPHANIE - the tag team - versus Y2J, tonight. Yeah. That way...I could get my hands around each of your necks and show you what it REALLY feels like to choke." "Shane, hang on a sec. Jericho, I know you'd like nothing more than to get your hands on my body. But I'm just not as stupid as all of these people here. I'm not gonna put myself in that position. So therefore, you talk about a tag team...I'm gonna have my brother (Shane) team with the man who has recently defeated you AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN In This Very Ring - Points To Self!" "Oh, Shane...and RVD, that's a pretty formidable tag team - I guess I'll probably have to find myself a formidable tag team partner, and I know who I can get...yeah, I can get the one man who has the one thing that neither of you have, and that would be the WCW Championship. So why don't we make it...Shane and RVD vs. Y2J...and The Rock!" "Rock E!" "Choke on that, assclowns!" I think he meant "slapnuts."

Rob van Dam enjoys his view on the monitor...Booker T and Test arrive and block his view. Is Test checking out his ass? "Yo Rob!" "What's up?" I wanna congratulate you on all your success here lately, man." "Hey, thanks..." "Yeah! Yeah, but you got your work cut out for you tonight, don't you." Test: "That's right." "I suppose so..." "Yeah yeah! And just for the record, when the Alliance chose you last Thursday, lemme tell you something, I would've beat Kurt Angle a lot quicker and a lot faster than than you EVER could have." Test: "A LOT faster." "And Stone Cold would be thanking me - the FIVE TIME WCW CHampion, not you, sucka!" "Five times, baby, five times." "Five times?" "Yeah, that's right, five times." "Five time WCW champion - wow. I can't believe you lost the WCW Championship five times!" "You didn't say that. Tell me he did not just say that!" "I think he did. I think he did." "C'mon, drop the hostility! Seriously, everything's cool, man. That's cool that you were the WCW five times. That works for you. For Booker T. For me personally, I - I'm not looking to be Booker T, but why would I? I mean after all, I'm Points to Self." van Dam leaves - T considers going after him, but Test stops him. "Hey man, forget aboat him! We got bigger fish to fry - we got a title match with the Hardyz tonight. Besides, me, we're TNT, baby, we're dynamite! Now just chill oat, man - it's cool."

UP NEXT: What, weren't you listening? The Hardy Boyz take on T&T!

Trish Stratus shills Stacker 2

When we come back....this must be a disciple of DDP since she's got that same frozen grin that he's been sporting lately...and she holds it an extra long time. "My name is Jennifer. Twelve weeks ago, I was fat and out of shape. My husband didn't wanna touch me. I was very depressed. I just didn't like me. Then, I met DDP. And DDP showed me that I can lose weight and feel great! With DDP, positively stretching..." Yikes! She bends over, ass to the camera, and hits the "Luke Skyywalker album cover" pose. "Now, look at me - I can do this, and my husband wants to touch me AGAIN and again!" Page leans in here and blocks out a view of her thigh - the picture blocks out everything but a circle around Page's head "It's me! D D P! (DDP graphic) And Jennifer, I wanna touch you too!" (zoom out) "Thanks, DDP!" (zoom in) "You're welcome, Jennifer. Stretching is good for one's well being. And now you see that (words on screen match what he's saying) you like you - i ... really like you - and I know you like me - (zoom) D (zoom) D (zoom) P. And I'm going to continue to help all of you like you. (zoom out - she's still smiling between her legs - err, that was an unfortunate choice of words)

WCW TAG TEAM TITLE: T (with RAW is brought to you by Stacker 2, Whacko Tobacco, and Slim Jim! WHY does Paul always pretend Jim Ross is hiding the promo cue sheets, anyway? THAT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE) and T T THIS IS A T (with Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) v. HARDY BOYZ (with Lita) - Booker T pinned Kane last Thursday, and by showing this clip I *believe* they're trying to signal a runin for later in this match...which, by the way, is JUST one of what this show needs another. (Good God, your grammar is horrendous.) NOBODY CARES. The Hardyz are punked out in midpose and we're on. Matt turns it around on Booker and dumps him over the top to the floor, while Jeff ducks the whip - double gutshot - double suplex on Test. Matt pounds Booker again. Test put into the corner - Test catches Jeff's Poetry in Motion attempt and drives him to the mat. Matt right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, T with a kick in the back of the head - Test with a tilt-a-whirl. Tag to Booker - open gutshot. Right, right, right, into the ropes, Matt ducks, but T hits the forearm smash for 2. Tag to Test. T holding Matt open for another punch in the midsection. Head to the buckle. Back elbow, right, back elbow, kick, kick, kick, kick. To the opposite corner, but Hardy gets the elbow up - up on the seccond rope, blocks a punch, right, tornado DDT lands and both men are down. HOT TAG to Jeff, who flips in as Booker gets a tag on the other side. Hardy ducks the punch, off the ropes with a flying clothesline, off the ropes, dropkick, nip up, double leg, speaking in tongues double legdrop, 1, 2, Test breaks it up - Matt on HIM - right, right, right, Test with a knee and dumps him to the outside. Back to Booker and Jeff: Booker right hand, into the ropes is reversed, T ducks the clothesline - BOOK END!! But Lita is up top - CHEATING TO WINRANA! (Referee "Blind" Charles Robinson is trying to break up Test and Matt on the outside - God knows why, they're not the legal men). Matt back in - Twist of Fate - Test in with a clotehsline for Matt...then waiting for Jeff to get up so he can deliver the boot - but Lita clamps his ankle and prevents him from getting out of the corner. Instead, Jeff and Booker double clothesline and they're both out. Test stalking Lita - Robinson after him - Test blocks a punch, shoves Robinson away, and puts Lita over the railing to the floor. Matt up from behind with a clothesline - now all three are over the railing. Back to the ring where Booker is looking at his hand....but, sure enough, TAKER is out - gutshot, Last Ride, are you kidding me, Jeff with a swantonbomb, Robinson is miraculously back in the ring - 1, 2, 3. Well, fuck. Ladies and gentlemen, we have new WCW tag team champions....and golly, for being the most important WCW tag team title match ever, that sure sucked! (3:40)

Nothing beats the experience of watching the WWF live! Tix go on sale Saturday for Albany for SmackDown!, Charlotte for RAW, Fayetteville for SmackDown!, Daytona and Lakeland!

Moments Ago, two paragraphs ago

Coming back "live," T & T react to what's just happened. "Where'd he come from?" "You see that there? Tell me you saw that! You know man...ever since I got her, man, I got nothing but know what, the only way I'm gonna get some respect 'round here - the only way the Book is gonna get some respect is" "How man, how." "that's to take the number one respected sucka down here in the WWF - you know who that is, don'cha. The Undertaker." "What are you saying? Are you sure?" "I'm gonna take him, I'm gonna take him, I'm gonna take him No Mercy." "You can do it! You can do it, you're the five time WCW champion, baby! You can do it!" "At No Mercy, it's all mine. Now can u dig it."

Meanwhile, Lita congratulates the Hardyz on their win and leaves them to shower (together) - no sooner is she outside the dressing room than she meets up with Hurricane and Molly. "Holy cheapshots, Hurricane - I thought winning a title was supposed to be heroic. But to rely on illegal help from the Undertaker..." "It would appear that the Hardy Boyz and Lita are nothing but cheaters." "For shame, Citizen Lita. Shame on you and the Hardyz for the villanous way you won those tag team titles. It's about high time you learned - cheaters never win and winners never cheat, so face Mighty Molly and you will taste defeat." "Holy Hemingway, Molly - your hurripoetry lessons have paid off handsomely." Double thumbs up! "Big time. SO whaddaya say, Lowly Lita? Are you up for the challenge?" Lita thinks hard. "Holy........ASS KICKINGS, Molly! You got it." And she walks away. "Wussupwitdat?"

Meanwhile, WOW! Look at the exciting DOOR with "Stone Cold Steve Austin" on it! Ross SWEARS he's here - hmmm

No Mercy ad - it's funny!

Oh....that was the entire segment. Well...

TONIGHT: The challenge has been accepted and the graphic prepared - Rock & Y2J vs. Shane & RVD!

CHRISTIAN is out - while he makes it to the ring, let's look at the graphic, which does not lie: at No Mercy, Edge gets an interchristianental title shot in a ladder match. Christian gives his glasses to a fan at ringside a la Bret Hart - then takes them back. HA! Christian takes third headset (your hosts are LARRY KING & PAUL E. HEYMAN) and says "You know something, I was about to do something nice, and I just realised how ugly that kid was, and if there's one thing I can't stand, it's ugly kids."

WCW US. TITLE: RHYNO THE MAN BEAST v. KING EDGE (with Rob Zombie CD cover) - I would guess that Edge's win is pretty much guaranteed here, despite the presence of Controversial Nick Patrick as the third man in the ring. Why does Ross keep calling him "Mr. Christian" like he's a Night Ranger song? Gutshot to Rhyno to start, right, right, right, right, Rhyno with a knee. Into the corner, shoulder to the gut, snapmare, off the ropes - running knee to the head. Rhyno chokes him on the second rope - off the ropes but Edge is up and hitting a Viscera kick. Edge with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, ducks a clothesline and slips under for an atomic drop, off the ropes with a clothesline, into the ropes is reversed, Rhyno has his head down and Edge kicks. Rhyno comes back with a gutshot, right, Edge right, looks to Christian, right, right, right, Rhyno right, right, Edge rolls outside...Rhyno after him - head to the apron - everybody back in (that was pointless). Snapmares him over - off the ropes, legdrop by Rhyno - 1, nope. That big Rock/Y2J vs. Shane/RVD match is NEXT! So just stick with this match and we promise you'll see the Rock really soon, kids. Edge with another right hand - Christian is off headset now, and ankling Edge off the ropes - Edge turns round and grabs his hair, pulling him to the apron, then sidestepping Rhyno's spear so Christian takes it - Edge-O-Matic! 1, 2, NO! Into the ropes is reversed, Rhyno lands a spinebuster. Rhyno removes his shirt (finally) and goes for the powerbomb - then drops Edge on his ass. Huh??? SOMEBODY blew it - I think that was supposed to be the facebuster reversal, I've watched it three times and I STILL have no idea what was supposed to happen - anyway, Rhyno with an overhand right - Edge with a gutshot - and the Buzzkiller (Ross: "Impaler")! 1, 2, Christian pulls him out. Edge sent into the barricade as Patrick rings the bell. (DQ 2:30) Well I'll be jiggered - Edge didn't get the title and we're not gonna get a big unification ladder match after all. Christian tosses Edge back in, where Rhyno is waiting to deliver the gore - but Edge sidesteps and Rhyno hits the buckle! Christian in with a chair - Edge spears him! Play Rob Zombie! Wonder what you're doing with your life!

Shane McMahon and Rob van Dam are WALKING!

Wow, you know we're not gonna see the Rock until the match starts? Maybe HE'S gonna turn....naaaaaah Hey, you know I'd rather have the Rock turn than Jericho...of course, I'd rather have NOBODY turn, but...

And now, the WWF Rewind, which is brought to you by Snickers Cruncher! From SmackDown!, Shane FLIES - arrrrrrrrrgh - setting up tonight's main event

POINTS TO SELF and SHUFFLIN' SHANO (with RAW credits & TV-14-DLV & CC) v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO and THE ROCK (with WWF Live hype - MSG Sunday afternoon! Autographs before AND after the event! PLEASE show up! PLEEEEEEEEEASE!) - Rock and van Dam start. That's nice of Rock to start in Jericho's challenge match, isn't it? Maybe he'll get beat up for ten minutes and then Jericho will walk out on him. Oh, let's hope not. Lockup, to the corner, van Dam switches positions in the corner and goes to work - right, kick, kick, kick, elbow, into the opposite corner is reversed, but van Dam gets the elbow up - van Dam vaults to the top - nobody home on the moonsault but he lands on his feet - Rock clotheslines him to show him what he thinks of THAT. Rock wants to take him to the corner but van Dam breaks it up - right to the gut, elbow, thrust kick, tag to Shane - right, right, right, right, right is blocked, Rock right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Rock flying clothesline - Jericho wants the tag - tag to Jericho! Chop, chop, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick. (Ross: "Shane McMahon has got it coming from R - R - from - Y2J - I'll get it right - lots of initials here tonight.") Into the opposite corner is reversed, but Jericho clotheslines out of the corner. Clothesline off the ropes - flying jalapeno off the ropes after Shane ducks the next one - Mount, right, right, right, right, referee "Blind" Tim White pulling him off - knee by Jericho, chop, chop, chop, Shane sent into the ropes, big back body drop. Jericho to the ropes to try the Lionsault, but van Dam kicks him in the face to cut him short. Both men are down - take the Subway Replay of the kick as Shane drags Jericho to the corner - tag to van Dam. Forearm, kick, kick, kick, crescent kick, rolling thunder senton, 1, 2, kickout. van Dam stomps on the head, right, kick, head to the corner, tag. Kick, right by van Dam, Shane kicks, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, into the ropes, flying (Shane has to fly) clothesline - 1, 2, no. Shane shuffles - left, left, left, right. Heyman asks Ross who is the better athlete, RVD or Shane. Ross actually *waffles* on the answer - is he NUTS? "Shane" is to "athlete" as "CRZ" is to "writer." Okay, that might be overly harsh...on me. Knee in the gut - into the ropes, head down, Jericho kicks, enzuigiri finds the mark and they're both down again. Rock wants that tag - he might get it this time. Tag to van Dam - HOT TAG TO THE ROCK! "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, right, into the ropes, belly-to-belly throw, right for Shane on the apron - catching van Dam's kick, dragon screw legwhip...into the Sharpshooter! But it doesn't last, as Shane (leaves his feet to) clotheslines the Rock in the back of the head. Another clothesline takes Rock to the floor. Jericho back up - bulldog to Shane! Shane to the apron - Jericho with a springboard shoulderblock and THEY'RE out. van Dam tries to surprise Jericho with a baseball slide dropkick, but Jericho is ready, grabbing both legs, pulling van Dam out, and stepping over into the Walls of Jericho! McMahon is up - clothesline to the back to the head - and a bulldog into the STEEL steps! Do I have to tell you Shane left his feet on that move? Rock finally shakes the cobwebs and sees Shane standing at the other side of the ring...their eyes meet and the chase is on. Into the ring we go - van Dam is ready with a spin kick. Spinning guillotine. van Dam up to the top - Fivestar frog splash...MISSES! Everybody's down again. Shane is back in his corner trying to direct van Dam into a cover - both men up - Rock with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine." Again. Right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT and Rock points to himself, then brings SHane in the hard way - into the ropes, spinebuster! Shane tries to roll out but Rock brings him back - then kicks his arms to his side. Off comes the elbowpad! But before Rock finishes his arm slash, van Dam sails into the picture with a big knockdown. Stomp. Stomp. Elbow to the mush. Rock put into the ropes, no reversal and van Dam collides with Shane on the apron. ROCK BOTTOM!! 1, 2, Shane flies in (FLIES! SHANE FLIES!) and breaks it up. Jericho is FINALLY back in, a bloody mess, carrying a chair - WHACK - guess who he whacked, though. Yeah, Shane ducked and Rock took it fullforce in the hand - I mean head. Shane clotheslines Jericho (and himself) out and van Dam leaps over to cover the Rock. I'm still trying to figure out how Tim White doesn't disqualify anybody, actually - but he's counting for van Dam - 1, 2, 3. (7:38) Let's see now...van Dam has pinned...Kane, check. Jericho, check. *Austin,* check. Angle, check. Now a pin on the Rock... Hey, I wonder if he'll ever pin, like, a McMahon. Seriously, who's left? Tune in to SmackDown! when van Dam will pin *Taker* - HEY HEY AM I BEING FUNNY...OR SPECTACULARLY PRESCIENT?

TONIGHT: Stone Cold vs. Kurt Angle for the WWF Championship!

Trish Stratus shills Stacker 2 - again. I've never missed Chyna as much as I do right now. (I think you've used that joke before.) Are you sure? (Yeah, three weeks ago.) Eh, nobody will remember.

Kane should probably cut back to only two or three cans of Chef Boyardee Big Beefaroni, naah mean

The deadline for tape submission for Tough Enough 2 is THIS Friday! Better hurry!

McMahon and van Dam congratulate each other - then meet up with Stephanie and the rest of the Alliance for a big celebration. Hey, there's Tommy Dreamer! Thanks for coming out tonight, Tommy! You think they'll do this for Austin later tonight? "RVD! RVD! RVD!" In fact...they go right past that big door with "Stone Cold Steve Austin" on it...

Let Us Take You Back to Heat, where Chris Benoit predicted swift victory for Angle

Tonight at WWF New York, LANCE STORM & IVORY are ready to react to Benoit's comments. "Well if I can be serious for a minute, JR, Chris Benoit does not speak for all Canadians. Because I can assure you, Stone Cold Steve Austin will be victorious tonight." "That's right, Lance. Hey even the people here know who's gonna win tonight. New York - New York, do you really think Kurt Angle has a shot over Stone Cold tonight? Huh? Shut up! You don't know about (dunno) You don't know anything!" See, Storm is drowning her out by speaking over her. "Let me assure you, these people do not speak for all restaurant patrons in America, because everyone with any common sense knows it's Stone Cold Steve Austin tonight."

Moments Ago, Jericho took a bulldog to the steps so severe he had to blade! Then, blinded, he chaired the wrong guy...or did he?

Rock catches up with the trainers (hey THERE'S Chris) and asks if Jericho's all right. "Doc, doc, is he gonna be all right?" "He's gonna be okay, he's gonna need a lotta stitches." "Chris, you okay? Yeah, you all right?" "Yeah I'm all right!" "All right. What were you thinking out there?" "What was I thinking? I was thinking about trying to hit that bastard Shane McMahon with a chair on his head, that's what I was thinking, can't you see, I'm bleeding all over the place." "Yeah, the Rock can see that fine, you know what, and he knows you made a mistake but without thinking about the risks...or the rewards." "Uh huh. Yeah, I was just thinking about knocking Shane out, you know what Rock, everybody makes mistakes from time to time, even the Rock makes a mistake - I'm sorry all right?" "Well the Rock understands that - he's made it before, he'll make it again - the Rock's just glad you're okay." Rock walks out. "Yeah yeah yeah. Yeah. What the hell does he want from me? I'm in there trying to win a match." Rock is back. "What did you just say?" "You heard what I said, I said what the hell do you want from me? I was trying to win the MATCH. That's what I said." "Well the Rock will tell you exactly what he wants from you. The Rock's made mistakes before but he owned up, took responsibility. So the Rock just wants you to be a MAN...and live up, and own up to your responsibilities." "Okay, be a man, own up, live up. You know what, Rock, maybe instead of hitting Shane McMahon with a chair, maybe I should have taken that chair and knocked the People's Eyebrow right off your People's Face. Maybe that's what I shoulda done. Huh? What do you think about THAT?" "Well why don't you knock it off right now." OHHHH they're fighting! Refs and officials are ineffective at pulling Rock and Jericho apart. Now that's just so sad. To think how all this could have been avoided....excuse me, I need a moment. Sniffle.

Say, is this why all those Jericho T-shirts went on clearance at the Shop Zone?

You know what....I know it would be a challenge, but this would really play a lot better as Jericho turning on the Rock....but NOT turning heel. That MAY be too much to hope for, but.......

It's the WWF live! Catch it this week - tomorrow in Moline, Saturday in Atlantic City, Sunday is MSG, RAW is in Ottawa and Tuesday is Montreal!

MICHAEL KING COLE stands in front of that EXCITING door! Steve Austin has apparently given assurances that he WILL talk to them, right after this next match...

WWF LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: SCOTTY 2 HOTTY (with Subway presents No Mercy in thirteen days!) v. X-PAC - One nice thing that Ross does before the match begins is bulletpoint everything that's happened up to this point in the show. Now, that doesn't exactly make up for spending this entire match talking exclusively about Stone Cold Steve Austin, but alas, we must take the bad with the good. HERE WE GO: Hotty makes the "I want da belt" hand motion. Not enough people do that. Lockup, side headlock by X-Pac, griding it in - powered out, shoulderbloock. Up and over by X-Pac, dueling hiptosses and X-Pac makes it on the second attempt. Pause - I mean pose for boos. Hotty grabs a side headlock - 'Pac powers out, *Hotty* gets the shoulderblock (is this a WOW match?) - Hotty jumps around - off the ropes, up and over, leapfrog, X-Pac catches the kick, Hotty standing backflip out, clotheslines him down. Running at X-Pac but he puts him over the top, but Hotty skins the cat and tosses 'PAC out. X-Pac back up to the apron, Hotty with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," shoulder through the ropes, sliding under and pulling 'Pac to the floor, chin to the apron on the way down. X-Pac ducks the clothesline and comes back with a big kick. Hotty put back in - 'Pac boots the head - again - one more - one more, why not, cover - 1, 2, no. In the corner, kick trifecta. X-Pac goes into the skip...but Hotty isn't home on the broncobuster. Hotty ducks a clothesline, right, right, into the corner is reversed, but he pops out with a clothesline. Into the ropes, back body drop by Hotty. He's starting to feel it - off the ropes, bulldog - W O R M - 1, 2, 3 but referee "Blind" Jack Doan notices X-Pac's foot on the rope (which actually wasn't until *after* 3 but oh well) Doan doesn't raise the hand - Hotty to the corner for a Ten Punch Count Along - I guess he's frustrated - X-Pac rakes the face after seven, X Factor, whoops, 1, 2, 3. Champ retains. (3:32)

Back to Cole... "We expect to hear from Stone Cold Steve Austin in a matter of moments about his championship match-- Stone C--! ...Debra?" "Oh, Michael! You are so observant!" "Well, it's just...we were expecting to hear, you know, from Stone Cold..." "Oh and I'll bet you would just LOVE to see my husband, wouldn't you? I'll be you would just LOVE to see the next WWF Champion, Stone Cold Steve Austin. But guess what..." "What?" "He doesn't wanna talk to you. He's changed his mind." "Changed his mind?" "Did I stutter? I don't think I did." "Well, you didn't, I mean you didn't stutter, but--" "Right. He's changed his mind; he doesn't wanna talk to you. Okay? Ah, but you know what, you can be a little help to me, because I'm looking for the Commissioner's office, can you tell me where that is please?" "Commissioner Regal's office?" "Yes, Commissioner Regal's office." "Well, it's - it's three doors down on your left down there." "Okay. THANKS."

And now, the Stacker 2 Burn of the Week! From Unforgiven, Kurt Angle makes Austin tap...even as he reaches the ring apron

LITA v. MIGHTY MOLLY - Molly comes out to Hurricane's entrance. Why yes, there's no such thing as a Holly in the WWF anymore. Undertaker HAS accepted Booker T's challenge - and it'll take place at No Mercy. So we've got three matches announced all told....well, two and a lingerie match at any rate. What kinda hero wears pink and black, anyway? Kick by Molly, elbow, snapmare, rolling neck snap, pose, cover, 1. Elbowdrop by Molly, elbowdrop, leg is hooked, 1, 2, no. Lita choked on the second rope for 4. Choke on the TOP rope for 4 - Molly snaps her back using the rope. Nice swinging neckbreaker for 2. It's been all Molly thus far....but she shouldn't take time out just yet to argue counts with referee "Blind" Jimmy Korderas. Lita with a schoolboy (girl?) for 2. Molly comes back with a clothesline. Stomp, stomp, stomp. Into the ropes, nice flapjack. Molly poses on the second rope - back to Lita - but takes a clothesline from Lita - Lita with another clothesline. Right - into the ropes, reversal, Molly brings her up, Lita with a head scissors takeover. Molly wants out - Lita catches her - hairpull spin. Molly begs off and offers the Hand of Friendship...Lita's not interested. Gutshot, right, right, right, into the opposite corner is reversed, Lita evades the handspring elbow, Twist of Fate nope took too long saying "ahhhhhhh" and Molly shoves her away. Gutshot by Molly, suplex attempt - no, Lita with a gobehind, standing switch, rollup and bridge - 1, 2, 3! (2:41) I don't know why that's an upset since Molly controlled about 80% of that match, but Ross proclaims it so. HURACAN hits the ring to offer a congratulatory handshake - and off they dash. Replays - they choose the hairpull spin 'cause it's like the only move Lita hit. We look backstage where Hurricane and Molly have emerged. "Did you see it? I beat Lita, I beat her!" "Congratulations, Mighty Molly - that victory was a... (looks around, spies a backboard) a slam dunk!" Double thumbs up! "And in honour of that, quick - to the Hurri-- for one night only, to the Mollymobile!" Dash, pose, in, vroom

Debra's caught up to the commish. "Commissioner, oh man! Your office is so beautiful, I can't believe it. Oh, and you know what, I will say I love the picture of the queen, you know how I'm a little partial to crowns and all that, but you know I know you're busy and I see you're writing stuff, but...I really had something that was bugging me, and - and that little ban, that little ruling you made about not allowing the Alliance members out at ringside, well I wanna say that was so brilliant, I loved it! But, I was just thinking, I mean, you're surely to goodness, not talking about Debra, I mean...I am also the wife of Stone Cold Steve Austin, like, no he's not talkin' about me." "Excuse me, dear, did you bake any of those wonderful cookies of yours today?" "No, I mean...I was really thinking about the match, wondering about that, no." "Do you know what, I think you should bake them, because it'll give you something to occupy your time with! I said the other day, and I mean it, there will be no members of the Alliance, nobody associated with the Alliance, no flunkies, and especially no wives!" "I'm not just a regular wife, I'm Debra!" "We will see who the better man is tonight - it will be a one on one match. Now please leave!" "Ahhh! We'll see."

You know, with all the Stacker 2 these goombas have been taking, you'd think they might look DIFFERENT by now

"It's True! It's True!" promo - Kurt talks about John duPont murdering Dave Schultz, and how it affected him

Check out the Conseco Fieldhouse! Or should I say the C nseco Fieldhouse - who stole the O?

Michael King Cole stands with Kurt Angle. Is he worried at all about the possibility of-- "Whoa whoa, hold on a sec. Did you just say worried? Let me set the record straight right now. Austin, at SummerSlam you learned that you couldn't beat me. At Unforgiven, I learned that I sure as hell could beat you. And make no mistake about it, Austin - hand under the rope or not, you were tappin'. You were tapping to ME. When I put you in my - gave - up. And now you wanna take a two week vacation, and then come back and take the WWF title from me? Well, let me put it like this, Austin. OH HELL NO!" "But Kurt, what about--" "What about nothing. I'm through talkin' about it. I'm gonna let my actions speak for my words." What was Cole trying to ask him, anyway?

STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN ACTUALLY SHOWED UP v. AD BREAK - Awww, he didn't even let his hair grow out or NOTHIN'. Austin stops to pick fights with random fans - and ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA. Call me paranoid but I don't see a referee out there yet. It must say something that, given the potential of another great, GREAT match between these two, I'm still looking for ways they can storyline it all up and disappoint me. Well, huh - MRS. AUSTIN makes an entrance at this point, in direct violation of Regal's earlier decree...and sits at the timekeeper's table. What will happen next? Why, we'll take the most important ad break in the history of RAW!

WWF CHAMPIONSHIP: STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN v. KURT ANGLE - When we come back, COMMISSIONER REGAL actually grabs Debra by the ear and tells her that this fine pair of WWF REFS will be delighted to escort her backstage - then HE takes the extra seat at the timekeeper's table. Austin leaves the ring to protest - and Regal rises to meet him eye to eye. Austin pauses....and Angle's music hits. Austin meets Angle at the base of the ramp and they're gonna start early...about twenty minutes left in this show. Austin's punch is blocked - Angle right, right, right, Austin right, Angle, Angle, Austin with a knee, Angle right, right, Austin knee, head to the apron, and slid into the ring, where the bell rings. There's pyro smoke everywhere. Austin with a chop, chop, chop, Angle ducks the next chop, Angle with a right, chop, chop, chop - Austin reverses - Angle reverses back, right, right, right, chop, right, into the ropes, head down, Austin kicks. Austin off the ropes, Angle with a back elbow. Head to the buckle. Again. Angle with a right hand, right, into the ropes, reversed, duck, Austin press! Five piston rights, off the ropes, Up Yours elbow finds the mark. Austin with the leg hooked - Angle out at 1. Into the ropes is reversed - ANGLE with an Austin press! Seven rights from the mount for Angle - clotheslines him back down. Angle waits for Austin to "get your ass back up" - double bird by Angle! KICK WHAM nooo Austin catches the boot before Angle can stun him - Austin with a bird of his own, spinning Angle around - Angle catches *Austin's* boot and twists it around into the ANGLELOCK! Austin is like lightning clamping the bottom rope. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner actually catches this and gets the hold broken - Angle stomps Austin on his way to the outside. Hebner gets put aside - but Austin is ready, ankling Angle and wrapping his left leg around the STEEL ringpost. Another trip around the ringpost for the left leg. Austin wants a third time but Angle pulls Austin into the post with his legs. Angle limps outside as Austin's draped over the commentary table - head to the tabletop! Head to the table again! A THIRD bounce off the table. Angle carries Austin to the post but Austin breaks free and shoves Angle RIGHT into the post! Knee to the gut. "There's your USA!" and he gives 'em a bird. Austin is bleeped in here giving Angle the badmouth...Angle turns it around and tosees Austin over the commentary table to the floor! Angle atop the commentary table! "Woow!" Angle walks around ringside - HE'S PULLING THE PADS UP!!! Angle back to Austin - right hand, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Hebner is pleading for Angle to take it back to the ring, but it ain't happening. Austin manages an eyepoke to turn it back around - knee in the back and Angle goes down. Austin takes a walk around the ring...and comes back - head to the STEEL steps. Chop. Another big chop. A THIRD thunderous chop. Austin elbows the back of the head and takes him down. Ha ha, fans in the first row chanting "Goldberg." We're FINALLY back in the ring. Angle comes back! "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, into the ropes is reversed, their heads collide but Austin is back up first - another hammer dropped and Austin pulls himself back up. Angle placed in the corner - arm draped over the top rope, opening up his chest for the chop. Another chop. Angle fires back - right, right, right, right, Austin goes down, stomp, Austin is outside and he's got the left leg again - hard into the apron - twice. Angle rolls out - we're all outside again. Austin rolls Austin back in - Angle has a limp going - Austin with a chop block just to make sure we figure out he's found a body part to focus on. Snapmare - to the headlock. Ross: "All I know is I saw Angle tap out..." Crowd chants "USA." Ross: "I wanna correct myself, when I said I saw AUSTIN tap out fifteen days ago in Pittsburgh." Ha ha ha. Angle back to his feet! Elbow to the gut, elbow, trying to run the ropes but Austin grabs the singlet and pulls him back into a forearm to the back of the neck, putting him down to the mat. Austin chokes Angle with the bottom rope...Hebner pulls him off. Austin with a snap suplex. Austin stomps on the hand - it's the little things that Austin does so well. Snapmare...back to the chinlock. "Ang Gull!" chant. Angle back to a seated position - back to his feet - elbow - elbow - elbow - off the ropes, shoulderblock, off the ropes, Austin buries the knee. Austin laying in wait again - double bird - KICK WHAM NOOOO Angle hooks the arm and counters with a backslide - 1, 2, NO! Austin back up with a clothesline to the back of the head. Austin with a boot to the head. Stomp. Stomp. Austin grabs the legs...and stomps between 'em. Into the ropes, reversed, Angle with the sleeper! Austin reaches for the rope - Angle pulls him back to the centre. Austin is out with a jawbreaker. Hebner puts on the count...4.... 5.... 6.... Angle trying to pull himself up with the ropes - both men up after 7, I guess - Hebner just stopped counting, really - Austin tries the punch but Angle blocks, Angle right, right, right, right, Austin tries to grab the headlock but Angle powers out of it, off the ropes, Austin ducks the clothesline, ducks again, Angle's head is down and Austin kicks, chop, open-handed slap, Angle whipped into the ropes AGAIN, ducks a clothesline, AUSTIN with a sleeper. Angle backs him into the corner but Austin holds on. Angle backs up again - a third time breaks the hold. "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, Austin put into the ropes but the whip is reversed, Angle lands a crossbody - 1, 2, no. Angle with a small package - 1, 2, NO! Austin puts Angle in the ropes, reversal, back elbow by Angle. Are these guys tired of running the ropes yet? 'cause I'm tired of typing it. Austin goes outside (well there you go) - Angle advances - Austin with a shoulder to the gut - sunset flip attempt by Austin...Angle fighting it off - regaining his balance - double bird (!) - and Angle drops into a mount, firing away with right hands (ten). Everybody back up - right, into the ropes (ugh) is reversed, and Austin tosses Angle over the top to the outside. Angle rolls out on the opposite side and grabs a chair. Regal is right there, though, and pulls it away from him. Austin takes HIS chair - Regal pulls that away as well. Austin back over to Angle with a clothesline. Austin walks Angle over to the Goldberg guys - gusthot - now walking over to where the exposed floor is STILL exposed - HE'S GOING FOR THE PILEDRIVER!! But Angle backdrops Austin onto the concrete! Chop! Chop! Chop! Right! Rolled back in - Angle follows - right, right, chop, chop, chop, right but Austin staggers out of its path and out of the corner. Angle is relentless - whip into the ropes, reversal by Austin - Austin catches Angle with the spinebuster! Austin takes time out to flip off the fans. Austin grabs the legs - steps over - Boston crab!! Austin really sits into it - he's got Angle folded up...but too close to the ropes - Angle grabs - Austin pulls him back to the centre!! Again, Angle grabs the bottom rope - THIS time, Hebner forces the break, and Austin isn't too pleased about it, shoving Hebner. Another shove for Hebner, Hebner shoves BACK, Austin shoves, Hebner shoves, HEBNER POINTS TO HIS PATCH!! Austin relents. Austin off the ropes, going for the Boss Man straddle but Kurt's gone and Austin gets up close to the rope, staggers out with another middle finger for Hebner - walking into an Angle clothesline! Clothesline! Clothesline! Austin slumps in a corner - Angle chops, chop, climbs to the second rope for every punch in a Ten Punch Count Along! Austin put in the opposite corner...but he gets the boot up. Austin to the second rope - attempting a double axehandle but Angle blocks - and pulls Austin into a belly-to-belly overhead release suplex! Angle ducks a clothesline, waistlock, GERMAN SUPLEX! He holds on for a SECOND! He's STILL got him...but Austin grabs the ropes - Hebner works on breaking them up - and completely misses Austin's trick knee acting up. Austin dares Angle to get up - he's poised and ready - middle finger - KICK WHAM NO Angle slips under, OLYMPIC SLAM NO Austin down the back - SHOVES ANGLE INTO HEBNER! Hebner does three twists on his way through the ropes to the outside...and clutches his right calf after hitting the floor. Austin rolls out again - THIS time he grabs the WWF Championship belt and comes back in - Regal is in hot pursuit. He wrestles the belt away from him. Another uneasy staredown betwixt Regal and Austin - Angle back to his feet - awwww shit. Regal turns round and clocks Angle with the belt. Well, there's our shocking swerve for the night, I guess. Regal walks around the ring to roust Hebner as Austin hooks the leg - 1, 2, NO!!!!!!!!!!!! Ross: "NO! NO NO NO! YES! YES! ANGLE KICKED OUT! ANGLE KICKED OUT, BY GOD!" Austin is INCENSED. Austin, livid, jumps up and down in anger. He picks up Angle - dead weight - brings him to his feet - KICK WHAM STUNNER. 1, 2... 3. Ross: "Stone Cold Stunner on Kurt Angle...and Earl counting...DAMMIT - DAMMIT - DAMMIT." Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new World Wrestling Federation champion. (17:21) "That Regal is a no good bastard! And Stone Cold Steve Austin - the referee didn't even SEE what happened!" Austin forces Hebner up on his gimpy leg to raise his hand - Hebner collapses to the mat afterwards. Austin drops down to Angle, drapes the belt on his shoulder, and has a few words with him. Then he leaves, getting Hebner to raise his hand one more time. Ross: "Stone Cold is the WWF Champion - I'll be DAMNED!" RAW Zone credits, WWF logo, see ya.

NOW it would be really cool if Austin were to disappear from television for ANOTHER two weeks, but I don't see it happening.

Poor Jericho - he starts a major feud with the Rock and gets overshadowed *again!*

Poor Angle - fifteen days isn't NEARLY enough time to gague a championship run, but the crowd was with him and I don't know how they'll react if (IF) he gets sidedrained into some other feud thanks to a now on-the-take commissioner.

Not to mention that without even trying, I (and probably you) can rattle off about five ways that Regal's actions DO NOT MAKE SENSE, but I think I'll hold that thought for Thursday and see if Tajiri's still hanging with him or not.

Most important RAW ever?

I wasn't gonna say it, but GOSH....their 8 January match was really so SO much better than this one. I'm sorry, but that's just how I FEEL.

You know, it's not like I had any sort of clue what the answer WAS for the WWF... but my gut's telling me this wasn't it.

What's that, grammatically correct Han Solo?

"I have a bad feeling about this."

[slash] wrestling

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