I've got a lot to say, but I'm late. (Short story - Packers were on and I watched them, I actually had to WORK at work for once, and then I went and installed Mac OS X, oh dear...) So maybe next week.

TONIGHT: All four men involved in the Undisputed Championship matches will be in the house! No matches announced - I guess they're saying "we'll plug the PPV all night..." oh yeah, I guess they WILL!

QUICK QUOTE: WWF 12.29 (- .45, last year: 13 1/8, two years ago: 16 5/8)

TNG: "Casino Royale" is a significant episode - I feel it marks the LAST time that Roddenbarry, Berman, Hurley et al made a substantial effort to give an episode a "TOS" feel...and not a moment too soon! Given the benefit of hindsight, it was definitely a wise move to stop playing cheap imitation - chart their own path. There's probably a metaphor for the WWF in here, but...well, let's just say this ain't literature, folks, and leave it at that...mainly 'cause I don't have to spend any more time trying to figure out just what the heck I'm implying. (And if I'M having problems, think how hard it could be for YOU!)

TV-14-DLV - CC - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

Opening Credits

HEY PYRO - coming to you LIVE from the Bradley Center in Milwaukee, WI 3.12.1 on THE NEW TNN, this is RAW! Ven gea nce is six days away, this show is transmitido en espanol SAP, an Undisputed Champion will be crowned, people are in WWF New York and let's not waste time...

CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO rips up a sign on his way to the ring - THANK GOD! HEEL JERICHO IS BACK! Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER. If you've missed it, Jericho's got a red weave in his ponytail now which can only mean one thing: ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego ego "Everybody knows, all of you know that Chris Jericho can win the big one. But this Sunday at Ven gea nce, I'm gonna win THE BIGGEST ONE OF THEM ALL and become THE UNDISPUTED CHAMPION. But you know what's been bothering me, you know what's been REALLY making me angry..." "What?" "It seems that The Rock...and it seems that Stone Cold Steve Austin....being the two jackasses that they are...they feel that it's a given that the two of them are gonna be in the final match at Ven gea nce. They're overlooking the fact that first of all, Austin has to face the Olympic Hero himself, Kurt Angle, for the World Wrestling Federation championship. And they're forgettin' that The Rock has to face, for the World Championship, the future living legend of the WWF, and that's me. And the reason for their forgetfulness is simple: they are scared - to - death - and rightfully so. I mean look at the track record: I have beaten and destroyed The Rock and left him lying in a pool of his own blood over and over and over again... ["Rock E!"] You know, you people need to shut the hell up, I'll tell you that....and as far as Stone Cold is concerned...the next time he gets in the ring with me, I am going to beat the living hell out of his jack ass for sure...and after Ven gea nce, all of this disrespect is going to stop, because - and it's gonna stop because I am going to walk away the Undisputed Champion, and prove to be exactly what I say I am, and that is the biggest STAR in WWF history! Because *I* AM LARGER THAN LIFE!" Even bigger than Shawn "the Star" Stasiak? WOW! Suddenly, the familiar music starts up, and THE MAN shows off his suit and walks out. Is Jericho wearing glitter? Hey, glitter ALSO equals heel! "Well, what an HONOUR it must be for you to be standing in the same ring with a legend like Chris Jericho!" Boos. "Larger woooo! than life? In the World Wrestling Federation, that's a big handle to carry - so do I call you Y2J? Do I call you Jericho? Or do I just call you Chris By God Jericho?" "Actually, Flair, you can call me the same thing that everybody else does, and that is Mr. Jericho." "Well, Mr. Jericho, clarify something for me - all this greatness fell upon you because you beat the Rock one time?" "I beat the Rock twice!" "For me, my friend, seein's believin' - I didn't see either time...and I got a problem." "Oh! Oh, you've got a problem with me, Flair? You've got a problem with Jericho?" "You're not talkin' to Ric Flair anymore - you're talkin' to the owner of this company, pal. Woooo! I like that. And I'll tell you what I DO have a problem with - it's your lack of respect....for Stone Cold Steve Austin. So..." off the ropes "for all the greatness you bring, woooo! to the World Wrestling Federation, tonight, you and Stone Cold - right here - one on one. One on one. No titles on the line, no outside interference, one on one, you and Stone Cold. And to quote Stone Cold Steve Austin from SmackDown! last week, it was To be - woooo! - the man...you gotta beat the man, and right now, in my eyes, Austin is - woooo! - the man." Play his music! "Woooo!" Jericho seems....flummoxed. Well, at least we know ONE match for tonight...

Arriving at the arena - Hey, it's the Rock! The Rock is WALKING!

Oh man, the Godfather tomorrow! It's probably too much to hope that when they're saying "uncut," they are also implying "uncensored," right? Maybe I WON'T sit through it after all...

THQ's "WWF SmackDown! Just Bring It" ad

Local house show ad for San Jose STILL hypes The Rock vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin, even though the main event has been switched to Rock and Austin teaming against Angle and Jericho...

I've always WONDERED what the outside of the Bradley Center looked like! Lugz presents Ven gea nce Sunday from the San Diego Arena! (No, my brother *didn't* get comped - but hey, it's not too late!)

KANE HAD NOTHING BETTER TO DO TONIGHT v. BUBBA RAY DUDLEY (with D-Von & Stacy Dudley) - Ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA fears Kane...but hides behind referee "Blind" Brian Webber - for some reason, I can't see him providing much protection in a pinch. Continuity! Kane doesn't have Show come out with him because HE'S RETARDED. D-Von makes Kane look, and Bubba strikes from behind with a forearm and we're on. Right, right, left, right, right, glasses thrown at him, right, right, into the opposite corner is reversed, clothesline by Kane - back to the first corner, another clothesline. Into the ropes, biiiiiig back body drop. Big boot! 1, 2, Bubba kicks out. Off the ropes - Stacy grabs the ankle - yikes. Kane lets himself out and Stacy makes a funny face. Slow stalking...until D-Von sails in with a forearm to the back - right, right, right, rolled back in. Bubba with a fist to the heart - off the ropes, old school elbowdrop, elbowdrop, double sledge, cover, 2. Right, slap, right, into the opposite corner is reversed, but Bubba evades the splash. Bubba with a death suplex - now going up - DON'T DO IT THE SENTON NEVER WORKS BUBBA - of course, he misses. Man, this guy needs somebody to TELL him this. Kane with a scoop...and a powerslam. Kane outside - climbing up top - flying clothesline finds the mark. Stacy up on the apron - Kane grabs her...D-Von in and Kane lets her go to give HIM the boot. Bubba has a belt - SWING and a miss - chokeslam by Kane! 1, 2, 3! (2:49) Post-match, D-Von DOES land a belt shot to the back of the head - and then the Dudleys deliver 3D (Dudley Death Drop) - finally here comes WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW - well it's the big clothesline to D-Von, well it's the big clothesline to Bubba Ray, ahhhhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM to D-Von, play his music!

Room of Fun! Vince on the phone! "Take it easy! Just listen to me, willya? Undertaker, look, it doesn't matter to me if you're not here tonight as long as you're at Ven gea nce, because believe me...I want you to teach RVD a lesson, Undertaker. Big time, so just - just chill, you don't have to be here tonight, okay? Right. It's all right. No, it's okay! Come in - hey listen, I gotta go, all right?" Huh, I wonder who was on the phone. Or who's coming in! "Kurt! How ya doin'?" Handshake. "How are YOU?" "Well, with the Undertaker not making it here tonight, I'm--" "No, I'm not talking about that - about what happened last week on SmackDown! I couldn't sleep all weekend, thinking about how the Rock embarrassed you. I mean, you have to feel...(holds thumb and forefinger together) like this big. What the Rock did - my friends from the Olympics were calling me, and saying, 'how could your boss be so humiliated on national TV?' Saying the whole world watchin', it's on the Internet, it's everywhere! Vince McMahon with his pants around his ankles, the Rock had you in the ring, waddling around, like - like a duck, saying you were walking around like that, you know kinda...saying that you were walking around like that, and - and - and he gave you the Rock Bottom, and - and your grapefruits were hangin' out...right in the middle, for everyone on National TV could see, I mean what an embarrassing moment--" "KURT! Kurt - you came in here to remind me of my embarrassing moments on SmackDown! last Thursday?" "Well, no, no. I came here for one reason - 'cause we're gonna get the Rock back. We're gettin' him back tonight. He does not embarrass Vince McMahon, oh no. I have a great idea." "You do - you've got a plan." "Tremendous plan. I want you to sit down. You gotta hear this." "All right - believe me, I'm all ears." "This is a good one..." Wait, don't go to the ad break NOW - aww GEEZ Hayden

Super Smash Brothers Melee ad - if you watched Excess, you saw Edge and Chavo film this commercial! Also, you have no life!

The WWF Super Smash of the Week is brought to you by Crash Bandicoot: the Wrath of Cortex - whatever THAT is! From SmackDown!, Christian gets the duke on Scotty 2 Hotty - and Test punctuates it with a super smash - well, a boot

YAAAAAAAAAAAALBERT (with Scotty 2 Hotty - and his music) v. THE NARCISSIteST - Scotty joins the commentators and calls Test "horseface" - which reminds me that Test *was* spending a lot of time admiring himself in the mirror not too long ago, and that I forgot to debut this nickname sooner. WHEN T & A COLLIDE!!!!! Lockup, Albert shoves him to the corner. Referee "Gaping Plot Hole" Charles Robinson calls for the break. Test shoves - and Albert shoves back, harder. Test is unhappy about being knocked down. Back up - Albert with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine" and down he goes again. Test reverses a whip into the ropes - Albert ducks a clothesline, gutshot, double underhook...yikes - they kinda fall over into the suplex - lucky Test didn't land on his head - 1, 2, no. Scotty tells us he's "PHAT Albert." Test back up with a clothesline after Albert busts a move, wasting valuable time. Nine quick rights to the head by Test. Head to the buckle. Right, back elbow, right, back elbow, back elbow, standing on the neck. Into the opposite corner, clothesline by Test. Back to the first corner, and another clothesline by Test lands. Test looking to the crowd - taking too long - Gutshot by Albert, right, right, right, right - Test with a knee to turn it back - there's a suplex. Test outside - going up top - pointing to Scotty - THAT takes too long, Albert grabs him and tosses him back in. Albert ducks the swing - left, left, jiggy, jiggy, right. "Clothesline" says somebody - sure enough, there's a clothesline - clothesline (not called) again - into the ropes - Test ducks, but Albert hits the crossbody on the way back - 1, 2, no! Test is out on his feet - and walks into a press...but manages to shake it off land on his feet - Albert sent into the ropes - Wotsitolla Boot! Scotty leaves and gets up on the apron, distracting Robinson and preventing Test's cover from being seen. Test goes out, around the ring - and FLATTENS Hotty with a right hand. Back up the steps, back in the ring, back to work - no, he'd rather put the badmouth on Scotty. A voice says "pump kick" - and the next thing you know, Albert's landing his pump kick - 1, 2, NO! Geez, TURN DOWN THE MICS. They're *ruining* this match for me! (Not really.) They end up in opposite corners - Albert tries the yaaaaavalance but Test gets the elbow up - feet on the ropes cover - 1, 2, Robinson sees it! Albert from behind with a schoolboy - 1, 2, NO! Test back up with a clothesline. And now he's outside to find a chair - Hotty is STILL out from the right hand, but he can still manage to grab the chair... Test looks back to try to get it back - and he gets it in the head - WHACK! Test falls back into a Baldobomb - 1, 2, 3! (5:01) Scotty sits in the chair and affects his "Super Crazy" demeanor - "what? III didn't do NOTHIN'. I'm a GOOD boy!"

Trish Stratus is WALKING! She encounters Steve Lombardi and Crash (who says "You know, I've been meaning to tell ya - good luck against Jackie this Sunday!" - wow, Crash, thanks for showing up tonight) and asks if they've seen the Rock - Brawler directs her to a door down there - oh you better BELIEVE we also watch her walk AWAY...

Time now for the WWF Slam of the Week, presented by Xbox! Undertaker takes RVD to school - from SmackDown! You WILL respect him.

In the back, MICHAEL KING COLE is overwhelmed by the coolness of Rob van Dam - typical line by Cole: "Wow, you're so cool! And I'm a big pansy!" van Dam: "I AM cool - dude, where's my car?" Christian takes offense to van Dam saying Undertaker is all worked up - Undertaker pays Vince McMahon the respect he deserves, unlike him. I can't stop watching Cole's head bob. "You think you're better than the Undertaker, don't you, that's it - you think you're better than the Undertaker. Well, we're gonna find out at Ven gea nce - you know, but I was just thinkin'....since you're standing there...since Taker's not here tonight, why don't we find out if I'm better than YOU." "You wanna find out if you're better than me? Fine - for that hardcore title, let's see if you're better than me." "Oh, this is the way I like it, hardcore style - OH. You know what'd be really cool? You could put that Euro trash title on the line too." "My Euro? My Euro? You know nothing of Europe, all right? What's the capital of Belgium?" "Waffle!" "Be serious - see what I'm talking about?" "I don't know, what's the capital?" "....I'm not telling you!" "You know the capital of Brussels?" "Yeah, I know the-- it's none of your business - look, I welcome any match...I'll fight in any match where it's cool to use the Conchairto." "Oh, that'll be cool, all right...but then again, it's ALWAYS cool when you're Points To Self." He walks off, Christian mimics him in angry fashion anad walks off - and Cole GIGGLES LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL.

Meanwhile, Trish has managed to read the words "THE ROCK" on a door, and knocks...then lets herself (and the WWF cameraman) in. She caught him DRINKING WATER! "Hi, Rock - hi." "Hi." "I don't want to bother you...I just, um...I just wanted to come and thank you personally." "Thank the Rock for what?" "For what? For saving me from yet another humiliating moment at the hands of Vince McMahon - I mean, I'm in the ring...I was literally seconds away from kissing Vince's.......and then, you were there and you saved me, and I just wanted to thank you properly." Buss on the cheek! Rock feels his cheek - yeah, it happened. "Is that your way of thanking the Rock? If that's your way of thanking the Rock, then let the Rock give you HIS way of saying 'you're welcome.' The Rock is gonna grab your hand...brush your hair back.....pull you in close...lean you back...look deep into your eyes..." HE KISSED HER ON THE MOUTH! MY GOD IN HEAVEN, HE'S A MARRIED MAN! "Rock E!" Rock lets her go - then turns to the camera and rasises his eyebrow. See he KNOWS you're watching! He just wants you to know what a MACK he is!

WWF Shop Zone Dot Com ad

Which network are we watching, Book? "The NEW TNN"

"SmackDown! Just Bring It" ad #2

Triple H had nothing better to do, so he's going to host Mad TV! Oops, it competes with Excess - they didn't dare tell you THAT part while you're watching the NEW TNN

HARDY BOYZ (with Lita - and Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) v. TAJIRI WHERE'S YOUR CHAMPIONSHIP BELT? & SPIKE DUDLEY (with Torrie Samuda) - Matt makes sure to argue with Jeff all the way to the ring in case you're not up on the storylines. Ross says Matt requested this match, thinking if they can't defeat the WWF's largest team, maybe they'd have better luck with the smallest one. What, Funaki and Crash weren't available? Yeah, I guess Crash was too busy wishing people luck in their upcoming PPV women's title defenses. Oh well, let's go. Spike starts with Jeff - quick handshake - lockup, side headlock takeover by Hardy, leg scissors counter, back up, side headlock, leg scissors, back up. Dueling waistlocks, Spike drops down - Hardy folds him up with a double legdrop for 2. Suplex attempt by Hardy goes awry and Jeff clutches his shin - Spike yanks on the leg and tags in Tajiri - elbow to the back of the neck. Into the ropes is reversed - Matt tries a shot from behind - Tajiri superkicks him. Jeff sails in and knocks him down. Matt tags Jeff's back and lets himself in - sotmp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Scoop...and a slam. Fistdrop. Leg is hooked - 1, 2, no. Tag to Jeff - double wheelbarrow suplex - Jeff hooks the leg - 1, 2, no. Referee "Blind" Tim White says "one minute" so it's almost over and FIX THE MICS. Tajiri put into the corner - but he jumps over Jeff's charge and puts on the tarantula. Into the ropes - handspring elbow off by Tajiri. Tag to Spike - HOT TAG TO MATT! Matt ducks, right, right, scoop...Spike down the back, runs Matt into a collision with Jeff - rollup - 1, 2, no! Matt clotheslines him down as Jeff comes in to give what for to his brother. They're nose to nose - Tajiri is in with a savat kick for Jeff as Spike hits a schoolboy - 1, 2, Matt kicks out! Dudley going for the 'dog but Matt lands on his feet - gutshot by Spike, into the opposite corner is reversed - scoop slam out of the corner - ahhhhhhhh drop as Jeff gives himself a blind tag - up for the swantonbomb - 1, 2, 3. (2:57) Matt is unhappy that Jeff DARED to get the victory for their team. Lita wants to get a word in but these two are a little involved...

William Regal is WALKING! Unfortunately, he walks by the APA offices and has to endure some catcalls. "What are you doing, William, you looking for Vince?" "Or are you looking for his ass?" Regal says he did what he had to do to keep his job, and they'd have done the same thing. "What do you think you have to kiss to become Vice President?" "Oh man, that's...NUTS." "Listen, at least I'm not two lowlife, beer drinking, cigar smoking, beat people up for money bloody thugs! I'm a gentleman, and I'm bloody well respected." Bradshaw gives him two options - he can kick (not kiss) his ass in their office, or they can go to the ring and he can kick (let him reiterate, not kiss) his ass there. Regal says they'll fight like gentlemen, not bloody barbarians. "Bloody? When's he gonna learn English? How long's he been here?" "Damn."

UP NEXT: Chris Jericho vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin!

Commentators shill "Two Nights of the Godfather Un-cut"

The intreprid WWF cameraman has caught up with Team Xtreme backstage. "Stop, stop - listen to me, Jeff - stop bein' a dummy!" "You're always pushing me - one way OR THE OTHER!" Oh man, he learned that line from Steve Blackman! Lita AGAIN tries to stand between them - and they shove her to the ground! "Look, Jeff, you see what you did?" Lita gets shrieky. "Why are you taking his side on this? If you loved me, you'd take my side regardless!" "Stop that - it's not fair, Matt, I'm not takin' anyone's side." "I've had enough...I'm outta here." "So you're not taking sides, huh? Why don't you prove it to me? How 'bout if YOU be the referee at the match at Ven gea nce. And we'll see...whose side...you're on." He walks off, leaving her to shriek "FINE!"

MR. JERICHO (with RAW credits, transmitido en espanol SAP, TV-14-DLV & CC boxes AND RAW is brought to you by Foot Locker, Burger King, and Crash Bandicoot: the Wrath of Cortex - whatever THAT is) v. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN - sign in crowd: "Jericho - save the drama for our brahma" Hey, Austin's music has regressed! I kinda liked the music he was using - oh well. I'm sure it's *symbolic.* Austin goes right for Jericho - right, right, right, right, kick, kick, kick, stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp, bird for referee "Blind" Earl Hebner, stomp. Into the ropes, back elbow, lariat, into the ropes - Jericho grabs the ropes and pulls himself outside - Austin is quickly after him and puts him over the barricade with an elbow in the back. And follows! Right, right, right, against the barricade, chop, chop, chop, chop, run back over the barricade to ringside - Austin still in charge - head to the STEEL steps (sorta), chop, chop, chop, rolled back in the ring...and Jericho takes over when Austin tries to come in - stomp, stomp, right, chop, chop, chop, Austin switches positions - chop, chop, chop, into the oppostie corner is reversed by Jericho...but he runs into the boot. Austin takes the head to the buckle, head to the buckle, crowd catching the count - 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, what?, 9, what?, 10, what?, choke on the second rope - at least Austin can muffle his voice when calling spots - into the ropes, reversed, head down by Jericho, kick by Austin, KICK WHAM Jericho shoves him off - JERICHO KICK WHAM Austin shoves HIM off - double leg takedown by Austin WALLS OF AUSTIN WALLS OF AUSTIN WALLS OF...Jericho grabs the bottom rope. Austin holds it just a BIT longer - then breaks. Stomp, stomp, shoulder into the post. Austin pulls him out - and AGAIN puts his shoulder in the post. "What?" chant. Hebner trying to get it out of the corner...and putting himself out of position to catch Jericho's trick knee acting up. Standing enzuigiri by Jericho puts him down. Jericho shakes off his shoulder. Stomp, stomp, vertical suplex - Austin in the corner - Jericho stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp - Hebner tries to pull him off - Jericho shoves back but Austin had the moment to recover - SPEAR! GOOOOOOLD BERG GOOOOOOOOLD BERG oh no. Six quick rights by Austin - into the ropes but Jericho beats him to the kick. It's JERICHO putting Austin into the post shoulder-first - and twice. Jericho rolls out and slaps Austin's back - then pulls him into the ringpost. Another shove away for Hebner - and another pull into the post. Knife-edge chop out on the floor, chop, chop, chop, Austin tries to come back, but Jericho blocks the head to the steps and puts *Austin's* head there instead! Jericho is in control - whip into the barricade is reversed, and when Jericho bounces off, Austin clotheslines him down! Right by Austin, gutshot by Jericho, shoulder into the post one more time by Jericho. Austin rolled in...Jericho up after him....and to the top buckle...but Austin buries the right hand in his gut on the way down, causing Jericho to do a full flip! Jericho tries to come back in - Austin right, right, right, into the ropes, lariat, lariat, into the ropes, chop is ducked - but Austin gets the Austin press off the ropes! Austin to the piston (six) - off the ropes for the Fuck You elbow...but Jericho had it scouted and grabs the ankle - and stands up, rolling Austin into the Boston Crab! Austin needs to reach for the rope - he's got it! Jericho pauses before breaking - just as Austin did. Jericho pulls him out - got both legs - but Austin is peppering him with rights - kick to the head - back on his feet - but Jericho is ready with the bulldog! Jericho going for the Lionsault - Austin rolls out and Jericho lands on his feet - Austin ducks a clothesline - KICK WHAM STUNNER - 1, 2, 3!! Whoa. (7:22) Say, you don't think they'd have this match AGAIN Sunday... .....do you? Austin goes through a six pack....but his (old) music is interrupted by doin's on the EntertainmentTron - it's Booker T hotwiring his Smokin' Skull truck! "Yeah, just like ridin' a bike! It's on, baby!" T peels out and drives off - Austin walks after him (why? He ain't gonna CATCH UP TO A TRUCK)

Ven gea nce ad - can't help you on the background music, sorry

Wait a minute.....so the BROTHA .... JACKS UP TRUCKS?

I think I'm offended!

Moments Ago, Four paragraphs ago - oh, that's not the EDIBLE Slim Jim in the door there, no

Here's a LIVE look at the parking lot! But.....all the excitement is over. Austin apparently commandeered (stole) a car to go after him

"No Chance in Hell" means it's time for THE ASS & KURT ANGLE to have a few words with you and I and the folks in TV Land. Ross: "Keep your pants on." Shockingly, Angle gets to speak first! "Rock..you....you ungrateful SOB! I'm sorry, I know children are watching, but Rock, you've gone too damn far. You would be NOTHING without this man. ["What?"] Shut up! ["What?"] And Rock, like him or not, you will respect him for everything that he's done for you. ["What?"] Rock... ["Rock E!"] Austin... [Dueling "Rocky" and "What?" chants] That's right. No one in this company would have ANY fame or fortune if it weren't for Vince McMahon ["What?"] ...well, except for me of course sinceIwasalreadyabonafideOlympicgoldmedalist, but besides me... ["What?"] What? ["What?"] I said, besides me ["What?"] ALL of you would be NOBODIES ["What?"] I said all of you would be nobody ["What?"] .... I'm here for one reason and one reason only, to make sure that the travesty that happened last Thursday on SmackDown! will never, EVER happen again! Roll the footage! As we all know, Mr. McMahon is our owner. He can do what he CHOOSES. And everyone in this company should line up to kiss Mr. McMahon's behind, including... Shut up!" Let Us Take You Further Back to SmackDown! "How DARE you, Rock! ["What?"] You do not make Mr. McMahon walk around in his underwear and give him the Rock Bottom. ["Rock E!"] I guess you people like that, right? You people enjoy that, right? I guess walkin' around with your pants down....and threatening to shove things up people's butts MAY BE a family tradition in this backwater city, but not in the WWF!" "OOH!" "What? ["What?"] And Rock... ["Ass hole"] I'm not even gonna listen to you idiots. ROCK, I'm not even worried about teaching you a lesson, oh no. Because if you happen to beat Y2J at Ven gea nce, and face me after I beat Austin, ["What?"] I'm gonna BEAT a lesson into you. ["What?"] But you know what? That's not good enough, oh no, that's not good enough ["What?"] I want an APOLOGY! Or better yet, we - WE want an apology ["What?"] We DEMAND an apology ["What?"] and we're not goin' anywhere until you come out here and give us one and make this right! ["What?"]" THE ROCK comes out - he's probably tired (and a little bit jealous) of the crowd using AUSTIN's catchphase in HIS segment. Amazingly, Vince hasn't said ANYTHING yet! "Rock E!" "Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK to Milwaukee! Kurt Angle, you want the Rock to come out and apologise to Vince McMahon? You want the Rock to come out here and feel a little bit of remorse for humiliating Vince McMahon. Well Kurt, since you are just full of requests, the Rock has one request for you, and that's for you AND Vince to come up here and kiss the Rock's ass! Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoa, but before you come up here and kiss it, the Rock just wants to make one point very clear, you see, it's not just ANY ass...this is the People's Ass!" I think Billy Gunn is crying backstage. NOW Vince has the stick. "Well, you see, Rock....you see, I happen to be an authority. I happen to be an authority on this subject of ass kissing (and we'll get to that in just a moment), but you see umm...Kurt and I...show a little respect, dammit, just a little bit. ["Ass hole!"] You see, Rock, Kurt and I...we didn't expect you to come out here and apologise, 'cause after all, you are the People's Champion, which means you're just like all these people - you're all just a bunch of ingrates... so Rock, we didn't expect you to apologise, but before this night is over, you're gonna wish you had. Yeah. This is good, Kurt. You see, Rock, I have a way of making people apologise. I have a way of making you wish you never laid your hands on me on SmackDown! I have a way--" "The Rock has a way to come down there and slap the toupee off your head if you don't hurry up and finish your sentence! So Vince McMahon, if you've got a challenge, if you got a match for the Rock then you go ahead and spit it out, you sssssick freak." "Did you say freak? First of all, it's not Vince, it's Mr. McMahon to you! And second of all, just because Mr. McMahon likes to walk around with his pants down doesn't mean he's a freak!" "Hey! Tell you what, Rock. In This Very Ring tonight, Rock will be meeting a tag team combination. A combination of Kurt Angle and Yours Truly, Vince McMahon. Now I know what you're saying, you're saying ah, that's not fair, and you know what? Sometimes life isn't fair. So therefore, we're gonna make it fair, Rock, because tonight you're gonna have a tag team partner. Someone that, uh, you're close with, someone you have some chemistry with, someone you might even care about. Tonight In This Very Ring, Kurt Angle and Mr. McMahon meet the Rock and his tag team partner...Trish Stratus. Oh, and uh....hang on a second, Rock, while you're digesting that, there's a little stipulation you should know about. Should your team lose tonight, then Rock, you'll have no alternative than on SmackDown! to be a card-carrying member of the Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass Club." "Hey, hey - tell him about Ven gea nce, tell him about Ven gea nce, too." "Oh yeah, and if you decide on SmackDown! not to kiss my keister, Rock, than guess what happens. You will be STRIPPED of the championship, and you will not compete at Ven gea nce whatsoever. How do you like that, Rock? What do you have to say about that?" "Yeah, Rock, whaddaya gotta say about that? Wooo!" "C'mon, Rock, whaddaya gotta say?" Well, before Rock has something to say, the music plays and THE MAN is out again. "As 50% owner of this company, you don't might if I add a stipulation to the match tonight, do ya? Good! Because, if YOU lose the match tonight, either one o' ya, Vince, you're gonna kiss HIS ass at SmackDown! And Angle, oh, Mr. Angle, Mr. Gold Medal, if you do lose and Vince does not kiss the Rock's ass at SmackDown!, YOU lose your shot at the Undisputed Championship at Ven gea nce, IF woooo! if if if woooo! ya smell what the Nature Boy is cookin'. Woooo! And what WOOOO! does the Rock have to say about that? Woooo!" "Vince McMahon kissin' the Rock's ass this Thursdsay on SmackDown!, the Rock has but one thing to say: WOOOO!" "Woooo! Woooo!" Hey....is this how YOU imagined the first sight of Rock and Flair side by side?

"SmackDown! Just Bring It" ad #3

WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: POINTS TO SELF (with The Graphic Don't Lie: Undertaker vs. RVD at Ven gea nce) v. CHRISTIAN - Right by Christian, elbow by van Dam, right by Christian, elbow by van Dam, elbow, into the ropes is reversed, van Dam goes behind - Christian shrugs him off - van Dam runs at him and Christian puts him on the apron - van Dam shoulder through the ropes - next one, Christian tries to jump over - but ends up in the wrong end of a backdrop over the top to the floor! van Dam from the canvas - moonsault! But Christian isn't there so he lands on his feet (!) - gutshot - hung up on the barricade - on the apron - Point to Self - guillotine legdrop - 1, 2, no! OH MY GOD ROB PISSED HIS PANTS AGAIN - back in the ring - shoulder to the gut, shoulder, shoulder, superfluous backflip...but Christian is outta there to avoid the spear - van Dam shoulders the post. Christian with the perpendicular backbreaker - 1, 2, JUST SAY NO TO "YOU ARE THERE" SHOTS OF THE VAN DAM CROTCH. Christian with a kick in the back, stomp, stomp, Christian fashions a camel clutch using the bottom rope to double the chinlock - then attempting to open up every orifice in his face as well. Into the ropes - nice powerslam by Christian for 2. Right, right, right, right, right, blatant choke. Christian outside to get a chair - thanks, Lilian - back in and the chair is in the corner. Right hand by Christian - whip into the chair - van Dam stops, goes up and over - gutshot caught by van Dam, steps over and lands a Viscera kick. Kick, into the ropes is reversed by Christian - boot up on the charge - ducks the clothesline but van Dam connects with a back kick - HE'S got the chair - and runs into a dropkick to the chair to Christian's face. Referee "Blind" Teddy Long says "one minute" so I have a feeling Christian'll kick out - 1, 2, yeah. How 'bout that. Christian has the chair as van Dam argues with long - chair in the gut - but van Dam hits a reverse legsweep before he can swing it. Chair on the body - van Dam wants Rolling Thunder, but Christian gets the knees up into the chair. Reverse DDT by Christian - now out for ANOTHER chair (thanks, Lilian) - and it looks like he's ready to try for the One Man Conchairto - van Dam manages to get out of the way, though, and connects with a van Daminator. U to the top - Fivestar frog splash...van Dam with the cover - and the pin - and the win. (4:33) Ross: "All due respect to the European champion - Christian AIN'T the Undertaker." Yer damn skippy. Here's some replays.

TONIGHT: Mr. McMahon & Kurt Angle vs. The Rock & Trish Stratus!

Check out the WWF live! Tomorrow, Chicago! Saturday, San Jose! Sunday, Ven gea nce is in San Diego! Anaheim hosts RAW! And Tuesday is Bakersfield! (BAKERSFIELD GETS A SMACKDOWN!? HOLY COW! Am I still over in Bakersfield?)

Another chance to see Triple H on MadTV - "Check local listings" is code for "turn to FOX halfway through Excess"

KISS ASSMAN (with Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! - and the Graphic Don't Lie: Edge/Regal for the IC title Sunday!) v. ACOLYTE BRADSHAW (by his damn self) - Lockup, to the corner, right by Bradshaw, left by Regal, Bradshaw with a gutshot, chop, right, knee, overhand forearm, into the ropes, back elbow, Contractually Obligated Fallaway Slam, gutshot, into the ropes, reversed, head down by Regal, forearm by Bradshaw, chop, right, kick, into the opposite corner, kick, right, knee, right, knee, overhand forearm, elbow - referee "Blind" Jimmy Korderas finally pulls Bradshaw out of the corner and Regal arms himself - KNUX! KNUX! That's enough to put Bradshaw down hard and fasr. Cover - 1, 2, 3. Regal wins! COOL! (1:04) Regal's celebration is short-lived as we see TAZZZZZZZZ on the EntertainmentTron as he walks up the ramp. "Well, well, well. Well, well, well, hey Willie! Real! How ya doin', buddy? That was a pretty good victory there - I mean, uh, that was impressive. You know I wonder if you'll get that lucky at Ven gea nce this Sunday, uh, when you face Edge. Then again, speakin' of Edge, I've been here at WWF New York all day lookin' for Edge, I came here thinking I'd hang on, watch RAW, chill out with Edge - he's nowhere to be found! All day - he's nowhere to be found. I'm wondering, Regal: where is Re--where is Edge? Where the hell is Edge? I ain't got a clue!" But KING EDGE is in with the stage spear to Angle and pistoning away on Regal until ALL SEVEN REFS manage to muster up a show of force and restrain him.

Ven gea nce ad

"WWF Desire" takes on Stone Cold Steve Austin. "When that glass hits, it's nothin' but 100% pure adrenaline. I mean, you might as well be a junkie because you're hooked on it. You're hooked on standin' behind that curtain every single night and goin' out there and bustin' your ass for that crowd. To me, the whole business is '(beep) you, let's have a good time.' There's beer drinkin', there's middle fingers, there's hell-raisin', but Stone Cold Steve Austin's at work, and if Stone Cold Steve Austin's at work, it's gonna be a good day." They show two shots of the Owendriver in here...as well as Austin' trying to walk afterward. That shot STILL scares me. "When it takes Stone Cold Steve Austin too long to get up, too long to fall down, then it's time for Steve Austin to move along and let someone else do this thing." Hey, wait - Vince McMahon stole "Kiss My Ass" from Owen Hart! OMG Man, there's Bret Hart - I'm a little surprised we don't get to see Savio Vega in this video - or, that time Marc Mero knocked his teeth out with the kick - oh well. "Me, every single bump, bruise, stitch, cut, everything has been - is worth it. The sacrifices as you call 'em, I wouldn't give none of 'em back to you, because I loved 'em all." Oh, that can't be truth.

Angle and Vince prepare. "Oh, this is gonna be great!" "It's gonna be one of the greatest moments in WWF history." "When we beat Rock and Trish tonight, the Rock's gonna have to kiss YOUR butt on SmackDown!" Yeah, the Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass Club!" Angle suddenly falls into deep thought. "What's that about?" "Well, it'd be quite a sight if you had to kiss the Rock's butt on SmackDown!, wouldn't it?" They share a laugh...then Angle turns pensive again - and Vince starts to look worried. "You know, it ain't gonna happen--" "You know what, that would mean you're not gonna compete at Ven gea nce." "Whoawhoawhoawhoa - Vince, Vince - it's not gonna - Mr. McMahon, I'm sorry, it's not gonna happen 'cause I am gonna lay the SMACK down on the Rock tonight, you and I got him." "Not unless I get to him first!" "Let's do it."

"SmackDown! Just Bring It" ad #4

Who exactly thinks that people watching the RAW Zone are gonna be interested in purchashing Wrenchead Invoice Software for garages? I mean, talk about a NICHE...

Been wondering what this month's PPV theme song is? Wonder no more - it's "Sinner" by Drowning Pool! Guess the WWF owes 'em one back from removing "Bodies"

THE ASS and KURT ANGLE v. TRISH STRATUS - the FITNESS MODEL (with List of Options for Screwed DirecTV viewers on how to catch Ven gea nce) and THE ROCK - Vince weighs in at 255 pounds....or so Lilian would have us believe. Lawler: "Check out that ass, JR! Ohwaityoualreadyhave..." Hmm, *Angle* only weighs in at *237* pounds. Vince shakes his money maker to Stratus' music. Oh boy! Your referee is Mike Chioda. Amazingly enough, Trish does NOT start - it's Rock and Angle. Say, you think THESE two will meet for the Undisputed Championship? Here we go! Vince distracts Rock and Angle strikes when he looks away - right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, back elbow by the Rock. Rock ducks the swing and hits a death suplex for 1. Rock right, knife-edge chop, chop, into the ropes is reversed and Angle buries the knees. Stomp by Angle, stomp, head to the buckle, chop, chop, chop, right, right, kick, kick, kick, kick, shoving away Chioda for trying to pull him out of the corner. Ooh, don't make him point to his patch! Angle gives Vince the high sign to let him know everything's under control - veteran viewers will recognise this as the sign of the comeback - Rock with a clothesline, Angle runs into a Samoan Drop - 1, 2, Vince breaks it up!! Angle is up, holding his back - stomp, stomp. Choke on the second rope. Right, right, pulled into the ropes, Rock ducks and hits the flying clothesline off the ropes! Angle runs into a belly-to-belly throw - and since Rock is in the neighbourhood, Vince gets a free shot as well - he falls to the floor like a ton of bricks. Into the ropes, Angle ducks, gutshot, into the ropes - BIG belly-to-belly suplex. Woooo! Stomp, stomp, right, right, right, right. Vince is ready for the tag - and gets it. Angle holds him up for the slap - slap, slap, clothesline! Angle adds a stomp on his way back to the corner - Vince to his knees - seven quick punches - Chioda is a brave man to pull him off. Blatant choke! Angle in and Chioda turns his back - Vince takes a LONG time to look around and make sure he won't get caught - then stomps on Rock's privates (or his thigh, if you're a killjoy). McMahon helpfully points to his ass for Rock's (and the story's) benefit. Finding himself in Trish's corner, he decides to pieface HER to the floor - OHHHHHH! Back to a stomp for the Rock - back to badmouth Trish - and back to fall into a spinebuster from the Rock. Trish wants the tag! Will Rock do it? Can any man say no to Trish? Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp! Mount! Right left right left right, right, right, right (Ross: "Trish is on top!"), blatant choke! Left right left right left right - she calls in Rock to distract Chioda - Trish spreads 'em - and that's a CONVINCING stomp on the nuts! Crowd is bonkers. OHHHHHHH Angle comes in and MAULS Stratus from behind with a forearm to the back of the head. BRUTAL. Both men - er, sorry - both Vince and Stratus are down - Vince makes the tag - and Trish isn't gonna make it. Angle does a veritable SAUNTER over to Stratus - actually, he's looking at Rock and making a lot of kissy faces - he better look out for - oops, too late. Trish with the uppernut as Chioda chats with Vince. HOT TAG TO THE ROCK!! Right, right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THE RIGHT! Gutshot, DDT! Cover, 1, 2, ANGLE KICKS OUT! Not only does Vince look like he's in cardiac arrest, but his nose is bleeding. Angle back up - Rock's whip is reversed and Rock barrels over Chioda. OLYMPIC SLAM!! Everybody's down but Vince...and now MR. JERICHO is in the ring from the crowd - LIONSAULT ON THE ROCK! Angle covers - Chioda slowly gets over - 1... 2.... but THE SHOULDER SHOOTS UP! Vince walks around the ring and pulls Stratus to the floor - than backs her into tripping over the steps. The chase is on around the ringside - up the ramp - she's gone. Vince shakes his fist at her...but stops short when STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN emerges from beyond the curtain. Vince tries to leap the barricade but Austin catches up to him - right, right, rstom, stomp, stomp, stomp - up to the apron - Stun Gun on Angle - and Angle stumbles into ROCK BOTTOM! Ross: "THE LEG IS HOOKED! COUNT THE FALL! (1) COUNT THE FALL! (2) COUNT THE FALL! (3) AND KISS MY ASS!" (8:13) Vince makes a "what the hell just happened?" face - Rock and Vince eye to eye - and Rock puts on the biggest shit eatin' grin you ever saw...then puckers up. Vince bugs his eyes out in response. Rock leaves the ring and does some more puckering - as Vince starts to argue with Angle! Raw Zone credits are up - and so am I. SEE YA!