Chris is walking!

QUICK QUOTE: WWF 13 (+ .15, last year: 14 7/16, two years ago: 14 3/16)

TNG: The only thing that's fun about "The Emissary" is being able to sing "Worf's got a girlfriend..." I mean, it's not THAT bad, except with the benefit of hindsight you and I know that this episode helped set up Alexander's existence, which I think we can ALL agree was A Bad Move. Also, it's funny that nobody on the Enterprise noticed that K'ehleyr was Dr. Selar. (Geek.) Hey, just kidding! Easy!

TV-14-DLV - CC - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

Opening Credits - you know, ALL this time the first man you see in these credits is....well, just look closely next time

PYRO AWAY and so are we - coming to you LIVE from the Cajundome in Lafayette, LA 17.12.1 and transmitido en espanol SAP on TNN & TSN - this is WWF RAW! Look at WWF New York...and hey, there's Matt Hardy over up in there as well!

TONIGHT: The Undisputed WWF Championship is on the line - Rob van Dam challenges Chris Jericho! But first...

WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: AWESOMETAKER (on his Beautiful Bourget Python bike) v. JEFF HARDY (with Cheata) - Taker pops him before the bell with a big-time clothesline in mid-pose, and we're off. Head to the turnbuckle, back elbow, soupbone. Kick, "you will resepct me, boy!" Into the opposite corner, follow clothesline. Got him by the hair - standing him up - boot to the face. Off the ropes, elbowdrop...but Hardy rolls out of the way! Hardy kick, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, head down, kick by Hardy - Taker is pissed - Hardy ducks the swing, dropkick takes Taker outside (!) - Hardy with a dropkick through the ropes. Hardy up top...Taker steps aside and helps him run into the barricade on the floor. "Shut up, stupid!" Entire front row pops. Hardy's spine hits the ringpost. Reaction shot from Matt. Jeff's head hits the STEEL steps. "So's your mother!" Man, Taker's a SUPREME entertainer. Hardy sent into the timekeeper's area. Taker has a chair - point of the chair decapitates Hardy - and *another* shot to the neckular area. Taker glares at ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA - "what're YOU lookin' at?" Taker'll talk to ANYBODY out there. Back in the ring we go - Taker foots him lightly. Taker shows off Hardy to Lita...then takes him out with another soupbone. Taker brings him up by the shirt - Jeff's out on his feet - Taker with a sneer...and a soupbone. "This is for you!" They call it the Last Ride, folks. Lita up top...Taker gives her a look and she IMMEDIATELY changes her mind and climbs back down. HAAAA! I love that. Taker covers - 1, 2, 3. (3:58) Six flavours of AWESOME. Taker chases away referee "Blind" Teddy Long on his way back to his ride...but before he drives away, he looks back...and changes his mind. Taker back in the ring, where Lita is checking on Jeff. Taker promises to beat his ass some more, tosses him over the top rope to the floor, and puts him over his shoulder. "Lita" chant isn't affecting anything. Up the ramp they go - Lita and Long each having problems convincing Taker to stop whatever he's thinking of doing. Up atop the stage. "Hey, this is on your conscience! This is on you!" I wonder what Lita did to deserver this - LAST RIDE OFF THE STAGE! We check Matt Hardy at WWF New York - he's a little unhappy about that. Lita looks over the edge...so Taker grabs HER by the hair. Lita kicks him in the nuts...but Taker still has the hair, so she doesn't get away. Taker makes another great face. "You..." and then he runs HER off the stage to the floor. Matt's apoplectic. Taker glares out to the booing crowd on his way back to his bike....and we take our first break.

Moments Ago, Last Paragraph Ago...a few new camera angles

During the Break, Matt Hardy was on his cel phone trying to get an update on the condition of Lita...oh, and Jeff too...then packing up and leaving (presumably, he'll be RUNNING to Louisiana)

"No Chance in Hell" brings out MR. McMAHON to, no doubt, say a few words. "Well, I think everyone here in this arena would agree with one thing...." Pause for chant. "A little Southern hospitality, please! You must agree with me that Stone Cold Steve Austin is a certifiable lunatic! And if you don't believe me, let me take you back down a trip called Memory Lane, last Thursday on SmackDown! I was simply up in my suite, enjoying the show with my invited guest. And for some reason, this food that was brouguht for Austin catches on fire - I shoulda known. The firemen show up - when you need 'em, you can't find 'em, except this one fireman - this one fireman had a certain look on his face...Austin viciously attacked me, and Booker T, running Booker T down through the arena...Austin chasing Booker T like he was a thief! And Austin, in his pickup truck, giving hot pursuit, until Austin met up with Booker...and then, this happened. [Go read the SmackDown! report] I've gotta get something off my chest - that requires one other individual to be out here when I do. Stone Cold...come on out, Austin, I know you're back there somewhere. Don't make me wait all night, Austin - that won't be healthy for you! Austin, get your redneck butt out here!" The breaking of glass heralds the arrival of STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN - you think that "What?" T-shirt will sell as well as the original "Austin 3:16" one? I wonder. Oh, I'm not typing audience "What?"s anymore - you can probably figure out where they go yourself. "Now, look....I hate that word! I said, I hate that word..." Without the mic, Vince says "I hate you too, you son of a bitch." Austin swipes the mic from Vince and waits out an "Austin" chant. "You want what from me? You want me to what?" Vince swipes the mic back. "I want you to APOLOGISE to Booker T for what you did - that's what I want." Austin picks the wax out of his ears...and still says "What? You want me to come out here and apologise to Booker T? You want me to say I'm sorry? You want me to say I wish I woulda never done that? Booker T stole my truck - Booker T cost Stone Cold Steve Austin the Undisputed title - and you want me to apologise? You know, the way I look at it Vince, hell, I was nice enough to take that young man on a shoppin' spree. That's right - I bought him ketchup, beer, Grey Poupon, flour, a pizza pie, more beer, and you want me to say I'm sorry? I did that man a favour! I did that man a favour! I said I did that man a favour! ... And you know, I'm trying to be calm, cool, and collected, I come in ta - yep - calm - cool - collected - I came to Lafayette - and I've been sittin' here all day, and I stopped at a local restaurant - I got some crawfish etouffe - I got some seafood gumbo - some jambalaya - red beans and rice - boiled shrimp - some Boudin sausage - and since I ate all that food, I drank a beer - I drank another beer - three beers - four beers - five beers - six beers - seven beers - eight beers - nine beers...and a bloody mary. No, I'm not drunk yet, I'm just gettin' started. And since you expect Stone Cold Steve Austin to roll into Lafayette - and act like a jackass - I gotta tell ya it just won't happen. I said it just won't happen! Since I stuffed my gut, I know you're worried about this beer belly, and I"m tryin' to cut back the calories, but since I've eaten so much today, and I've drank so much, and I ain't got nothing' more to say to you, because I think you're the biggest piece o' crap I ever saw...I think about right now, if you want Stone Cold Steve Austin to open up a can of whoopass on that sumbitch right there, give me a hell yeah!" But before things escalate, we see Booker on the EntertainmentTron. "Hey! Hey, Austin! It's me - Booker T. Yeah I'm out here in the parking lot right now, standing...oh. This is yo truck, ain't it? Yeah, this is yo truck, I took this baby for a little joyride. And uh, last Thursday at the grocery store - that was a sweet little number, baby, sweet! But uh, I ain't forget about it, oh no - I ain't forget about it, sucka! You see this truck? This is what's gonna happen to your punk ass." We pull back to see that T's got a steel pipe in his hands. He cracks the door, wipes out a rear view mirror and a few windows. "Austin! Now can u dig THAT, SUCKA!" Austin rolls out of the ring and quickly runs up the stage after him...

Boudin sausage?

Experience the WWF live! Tomorrow, New Orleans! Friday is RAW in Miami and Saturday is SmackDown! in Orlando!

Moments Ago, three paragraphs ago

During the Break, T was ready to swing for a headlight - but Austin showed up. "Come on, you son of a bitch! Come on, you bastard! Come on Book!" T hit his rental and took off...leaving Austin to climb in HIS truck and follow. Damn, T should have slashed a tire or something.

WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: SCOTTY 2 HOTTY & ALBERT 2.....ALBERT (with RAW is brought to you by 1-800-CAL-LATT, Lord of the Rings, and Sony PSOne) v. DUDLEY BOYZ (with Stacy Dudley) - Scotty starts with D-Von...but Bubba Ray manages the reach and distract - and D-Von starts opening up with punches. Into the ropes, jumpin' back elbow. Stomp, right, right, scoop...and a slam. Tag to Bubba Ray. Elbowdrop. 1, 2, no. Half hour suplex (!) gets 2. Head to the buckle, tag. Into the ropes - sky-high double flapjack. 1, 2, Albert breaks it up. Choke on the rope. Stacy adds a slap as well. Tag to Bubba Ray - open shot. Scotty fires back - right, right, right - Bubba Ray with a knee. Into the ropes, Scotty ducks the clothesline and connects with a thrust kick. Both men are down - tag to D-Von - HOT TAG TO ALBERT! Clothesline! Clothesline! Into the ropes, big back body drop, clothesline for Bubba Ray, ducks one from D-Von, left, left, bust it, D-Von ducks the right but Bubba Ray eats it instead. Double leg on D-Von - giant swing (2.5 rotations)! Scotty tags himself in as Albert's dizzy - missile dropkick on Bubba Ray, do si do whip of Albert on D-Von, Scotty with a bulldog..."I'm going to do the Worm" dance is also done by Albert - who adds a "YMCA" W O R M as Scotty hops - anyway, HI-YA - 1, 2, Bubba Ray pulls Scotty outside - meanwhile, Stacy hits the ring and removes one of her boots...Albert turns round and Stacy, instead of continuing to swing, just stops cold. Albert grabs her...and applies the Greco-Roman liplock! Bubba Ray back in - Albert takes a clothesline out of the ring - now it's Scotty on the apron - right for Bubba Ray, shoudler to the gut through the ropes, back to back over the top and inside, off the ropes - oops, into a 3D (Dudley Death Drop) - see ya. D-Von covers for the pin. Champs retain. (4:01)

In his office, Vince has Booker T on the phone. "Hey Book, Book, you all right? You okay?" "Yeah, Vince, I'm fine - don't, don't worry about a thing, I got rid of Austin - right now, I'm safe and sound, and wasn't that a sweet little number I did on Austin's truck." "That was nice, yeah. Very nice." "You know what Vince, you will never guess where I am right now." "I have no idea." JESUS CHRIST BOOKER DON'T TELL THE WORLD WHERE YOU ARE AGAIN YOU IDIOT "I'm at a place where Austin will never find me - I'm in church." "Say what?" "I'm in church, I talked to the father and guess what, I'm gettin' ready to play some bingo. So don't worry about a thing, I'm safe and sound, I'm just gettin' ready to do my thing with the father and all the sisters, now can u dig it." "Oh yeah, I can dig it, and while you're in church maybe you'll want to say a little prayer for good ol' Stone Cold, Book, yeah, I know that's right. Ha ha ha, have a good night, man! Oh, that guy, he's too much..."

Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER. They talk a bit about Russ Haas, who died last Friday, and send their best wishes to Charlie and the rest of the family.

WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: CHRIS-TIAAAAAN! (with Let Us Take You Back to Heat) v. TAZZZZZZZZZZZZ - Christian starts in with forearms to the back as Tazz gets in the ring, then chokes him with his own towel - right, right, right, choke. Referee "Blind" Jack Doan attempts to restore order. Stomp, stomp, standing on the neck for 4. Right, Tazz fires back with a right, right, Christian rakes the face. Forearm in the back, right, kick, kick, kick, Tazz right, right, right, kick by Christian, right, into the ropes is reversed, head down, kick by Christian - into the ropes but Tazz catches him with the head-and-arm Tazzplex, clothesline, T-bone Tazzplex. Christian tries the Unprettier but Tazz goes into the Tazzmission. Christian's trick knee acts up - Unprettier DOES work, 1, 2, 3. (1:30) Exactly what I expected...I'm starting to think my expectations are too low these days. Replay of the low blow. Christian puts on the badmouth post-match - tries AGAIN to connect with the belt but Tazz ducks - and puts on the Tazzmission! Christian taps for good measure - well PRAISE THE LORD Tazz got his head back. Play his music!

Backstage, MILD-MANNERED REPORTER GREGORY HELMS attempts to interview Ric Flair...but Lance Storm (how's he keep getting BACK there?) interrupts. "Look, this is ridiculous - I can't believe you have a job here and I don't. Mr. Flair, can we be serious for a minute, please?" "Mr. Storm - you don't even have a job here in the WWF--" "Why don't you just shut up? No one's buying this reporter getup. Is anybody gonna believe some kid running around thinking he's a superhero?" "Hey, I'm just a mild-mannered reporter, but if you're badmouthing the Hurricane, I'd be careful. This interview is over." and he's out of the frame. "Look, Mr. Flair, please. I know you've given me two chances already; I didn't fare all that well, but I didn't know who I was facing. I need time to prepare. I need strategy. The game of human chess." "STORM BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR IN LIFE! Do you know who I am? I'm one of the most powerful men in the world and I own half of the World Wrestling Federation! And tonight, if you win your match, I will make your life here a livin' hell! I'll show you what it's like to be sleep-deprived, to be bothered, followed, pushed over the edge! And tonight, remember two things: most of all, three strikes and you're out! And you're wrestlin' the Rock! Woooo!"

If I make one more Gundam joke, Santa is getting me one for Christmas...so I'll stop. Until Christmas, at least.

The Best of the WWF 2001 Viewer's Choice is in two weeks, right here on the New TNN! TLC II clips are shown.

Here's the current top ten vote getters over at wwf.com! And, just for kicks, here's how they placed in the 2001 r.s.p-w Awards:

Stone Cold vs. Triple H, No Way Out (2 out of three falls) (2nd)
TLC II, WrestleMania (8th)
Rock vs. Austin, WrestleMania (3th)
Hardy vs. van Dam, InVasion (22nd)
Winner Takes All, Survivor Series (outside November-November eligibility)
Austin & Triple H vs. Benoit & Jericho, RAW (1st)
Angle vs. Shane McMahon, King of the Ring (7th)
Jericho vs. Benoit, Royal Rumble (ladder) (4th)
Undertaker vs. Triple H, WrestleMania (tied for 43rd)
Stacy vs. Torrie, No Mercy (lingerie) (tied for 75th, getting the minimum number of points)

150,000 votes counted (we got around 300)

Get over to wwf.com - voting closes Thursday!

Here's a look at the Cajundome marquee! WOW!

As Rob van Dam tapes up, Vince pays him a visit. "RVD!" "Hey, what's up Vince?" "Yeah. Listen, I just wanted to drop by and wish you good luck tonight." "Luck. Hey, I like that, thanks." "Yeah. And, the other thing I wanted to let you know is that, you know, Ric Flair can't make decisions on his on like I do, I'm the boss. And Ric Flair consulted me as to whether or not you should get this title opportunity, and I agreed with Mr. Flair - I said absolutely - RVD deserves this shot at Chris Jericho for the Championship, so make the best of it, all right?" "Who better, right?" "And, and um, the other thing is that, um, should you win the WWF Championship tonight." "Yeah?" "I wanna let you know that I really think the two of us, you know, could get along really well, I mean...you and me...yeah." "Well thanks for that vote of confidence, Vince! Yeah. But, I don't really see you and me, I mean, not, not together as like a 'team,' you know what I'm saying?" "No, I don't think I know what you're saying, Rob." "Oh come on, I mean, you being...the kinda guy that you are, you know? And then there's me being Points to Self. You know?" "...you know what I hope? I hope Chris Jericho kicks your BUTT tonight. And guess what? So that I can have a bird's eye view of Chris Jericho beating your BUTT tonight, I'm gonna be right there as a guest commentator at ringside." van Dam kinda shrugs. "Whatever, dude."

Meanwhile, those intrepid WWF cameraman have again found Booker T and broadcast LIVE from the church! A bingo game is in progress. Bingo - hahahahaha - this makes me think of ECW - well, it doesn't actually but I think you're EXPECTING me to say that, and sometimes I like to meet your expectations, so...anyway, Booker is there, and he's the man making a scene, demanding the woman drawing the numbers works faster. T has the old lady next to him look away, then swaps his card with hers. DASTARDLY! ("Hey, did you see Booker flip an "N" when the number called was a "B?") Oh, and YOU call ME 'geek.' "Is this your friend? Will you PLEASE tell her to quit looking at me? Nah, why don't you just shut up, 'cause I don't LIKE you." She squawks something in return, but we're spared from the lack of a mic. "Like I said, just please shut up - I'm the bingo man, and I'm gonna win this - one more number." "All right, let's continue with the game - the next one is A - as in 'Austin 3:16.'" While T's facial expression changes, everybody says "What?" Yep, there he is. Booker hotfoots it and Austin follows. Next number, the old lady wins with Booker's card.

Man, you ever watch an ad for the first time and IMMEDIATELY know you're NEVER gonna watch the show it's advertising? HelLO, Conspiracy Zone with Kevin Nealon." Now, if they'd have called it "The Mullet Zone..."

When we come back, Booker hits the chapel, tries to hide under a pew but can't, realises that ain't gonna work, tries to hide next to the podium, realises THAT ain't gonna work, then finds a robe...and tries to dress up as the statue in Madonna's "Like a Prayer" video. He gives up on THAT idea. Finally he makes his way behind a door...

The Blast of the Night is brought to you by the JVC Giga-Tube! From SmackDown!, Test punks out Earl Hebner again...then falls to a run-in by the Rock.

THE ROCK (with RAW credits, TV-14-DLV, CC, & transmitido en espanol SAP - AND Final Fantasy X presents Royal Rumble!) v. LANCE STORM (with NOTHING) - Lockup, waistlock by Storm, reversal by Rock, reversed back, hammerlock, hammerlock by Rock, side headlock - Storm powers out, Rock with the shoulderblock. Up and over, off the ropes, flying clothesline. Into the ropes, Storm slides under, so Rock just tosses him over the top to the floor. Rock following him out - head to the commentary table. Rock takes third headset. "You know, the Rock says, you gotta respect a guy like this that's doin' all he can to fight, scratch and claw to get his job, but we gotta look at other options, and right here, Lance Storm, it's the People's Employment Agency. It says the first one, what you can do is you can go right back to the Waffle House and sling hash all day. #2, here's something you're qualified at, go to the circus, follow the elephants around and scoop up their crap all day. But #3, the best one of them all, it says right here, fine print, black and white, is you can go right back to the Rock whoopin' your monkey ass all over Cajun country!" And Storm's head meets the commentary table again. Rolled back in as referee "Blind" Tim White counts "5," making him the SLOWEST COUNTING REF ON EARTH. Kick by Rock. Into the ropes, reversed, Rock ducks, Storm ducks, Storm with a superkick...and gets 2! Head to the buckle, into the opposite corner, Rock runs into a BIG clothseline, and Storm gets 2. Storm quickly tries again and gets 1. Stomp, stomp, stomp. Rock comes back - right, right, right, Storm right, right, right, off the ropes...but Rock hits the Samoan Drop. White starts a slightly faster count - both men up at 5. Rock with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed into a knee, *Storm's* whip is reversed - into the ropes, belly-to-belly throw, gutshot, DDT, 1, 2, Storm BARELY kicks out. Rock with a right hand. Into the corner, but Storm gets the elbow up. Viscera kick - but Rock ducks, and White takes full brunt! He's OUT. Rock with a dragonscrew legwhip into the Sharpshooter - Storm taps but White's not noticing. Here's NARCISSIteST to break it up with a forearm to the back of the head. Test with a gutshot - and a Meltdown. He puts Storm on top and beats it. White is starting to come to...1...2.....NO! Storm is stunned in his disbelief. He waits for Rock to get up - right, right, right - into the ropes is reversed, spinebuster by Rock! Free shot for Test as he's back up on the apron...and now Rock is going out after him! White starts a count - oh no... Right (1), right (2), right (3), into the barricade (4), Storm tries (5) to get an axehandle off the apron but Rock catches him with a gutshot - (6) right hand, (7) Test back in with a clothesline while White watches Storm (8) get back in (9) - (10). Golly, Storm DID win. (COR 5:37) Storm climbs the corner and gives us elation as only he can. Rock hits the ring and has a brief argument with White...but lets him go after hearing the explanation. However, he's gonna wait for Storm to turn back around...Storm makes the "whoa there" face. "Rock E" chant. Rock looks to let up - "no problem" - and offers the Hand of Friendship. The only two people on this planet buying THAT are Jim Ross...and Lance Storm. ROCK BOTTOM! IF YA SMELLLLLLL

Chris Jericho is WALKING! One belt on each shoulder, yep - we'll hear from him next

WWF Shop Zone Dot Com ad

Back at the church, a pretty young thing completely ignores the fact that a camera is watching her and enters another closet....oh, see, it's a confessional booth.

Through the magic of television, we manage to see INSIDE! "Bless me, father, for I have sinned." "What?" "Well...I committed adultery - on my husband." "Well...what was the...wait a minute. Won't you tell me your sins." "With his best friend...and his brother." Big grin. "My child, was there...alcohol involved?" "Yes, and we - we were just having fun, he was out of town, and...one thing just kinda led to another, and...we had a video camera, and..." "Wait, wait...you had a video camera?" "Yes, it's all on tape--" "Were there Polaroids also?" "No, just a video camera." "You didn't say that - tell me you did not just say that, my child." "Yes. I, I feel so guilty, and I don't know what to do." "And...?" "What - what is my pentance?" "I tell you what, my child. You go home, you do 18 Hail Marys--" "Okay.." "and you write down this address and you send me that videotape." "The videotape?" "Yes." "You want the videotape?" "Yes, my child. Just send the tape...and you will be safe." "Okay...everything's going to be all right after that?" "Everything will be fine." "Okay." Geez, won't she notice the address is in Houston? MAYBE...

MR. JERICHO makes his way to the ring - I guess he's tired of all these shenanigans not involving him and needs to get back on the radar. "I am CHRIS JERICHO...and I am the Undisputed Champion of the World Wrestling Federation! I am the man who beat both the Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin singlehandedly back to back in one night! I am the man who then went on to beat Austin yet again the very next night! I, quite frankly, am the Man, period. And that's why I'm gonna have to disappoint all of you by not performing tonight. Because I am refusing to defend these championship against Rob van Dam. I mean, why does he even deserve a title shot anyways? Just because all of you assclowns like to chant 'RVD?' Big deal, big deal. He's nothin' but a liar and a cheater, and I have the footage to prove it. So push play, monkeys, and let's see it! Look at that. Well there it is. There's your van Dam - a man who will stoop so low as to use a steel chair to get a decision over the champion. What kind of a man would use a steel chair anyways? I'll tell you what kind of a man, one that isn't even worthy enough to be standing next to a living legend, and one who is scared to death of Chris Jericho. And second of all, what kind of a co-owner of a company would allow such an act to go unpunished? I'll tell you what kind: an envious one. And that's why I want Ric Flair, I DEMAND that Ric Flair comes to the ring RIGHT NOW, and overturn that decision from SmackDown!, and cancel this match tonight. Get on out here, Flair!" Flair's music now begins with a "woooo!" which probably means Johnston can now claim authorship. Here's THE MAN. Lawler flat out embarrasses Ross when he says "RVD" instead of "Jericho" during Flair's walk - yikes. Flair gets a mic of his own. "Let me see if I understand you correctly. You would like me to reverse last week's decision. You would also like me to cancel your championship match tonight. Let me remind you that even though you are the Undisputed WWF champion, I'm the owner and you work for me, the answer to both is NO. Now, have you forgotten that you're the one that brought the chair into the ring? I can't help it that van Dam USED it, what I know for a fact is I saw the referee go WO-ONE, TWOOOO, THREEE and those were YOUR shoulders pinned to the mat! So in my eyes, R! V! D! is the #1 Contender. Whether he's worthy of being in the ring with you or not, we'll find out tonight." "You know what, Flair? First of all, I had nothing to do with bringing that chair in, and I should sue you for everything you have for even insinuating it. I know why you like to screw with me, Flair - because you're envious, isn't it? For the first time in your life, Flair, you wish you were somebody else. For the first time in your life, you wish that you had the only undisputed championship, right? You wish that you were Chris Jericho, huh? But you're not! And just like Rob van Dam, you don't deserve to stand in the same ring with a living legend like Chris Jericho. So instead of worrying about your woooo! Woooo! Woooo! and your strutting across the ring bouncing off the ropes...why don't you get over your mid-life crisis, Flair - and sstart living up to your responsibilities of being the co-owner of this company, just like I'm living up to my responsibilites of being the undisputed champion of the world." "Did I hear you say mid-life crisis? HELL, I had that...I had that ten years ago! You don't get it, I'M THE BOSS and I love it! And I agree with ya - I agree with ya - the refereein' here SUCKS - but the fact remains, you're going to defend your title tonight. And you know what? Guess who the referee's gonna be?" Flair removes his shirt to reveal a zebra shirt underneath - Flair off the ropes! Strut away! "The NAAAAAAAAAAAAI-tcha boy! Woooo!" Play his music - oh wait he ain't done. "And that means no outside interference - McMahon - no chairs - nothin' - woooo!" Flair leaves the ring and tries another "Woooo!" but they've already cut his mic.

Buy WWF Magazine and learn the story behind the Matt Hardy & Lita breakup! Oooh, TABLOIDY!

The WWF Rewind is brought to you by 1-800-CAL-LATT! From SmackDown!, Edge breaks William Regal's nose

KING EDGE (with Rob Zombie CD cover) and RIKASHMONEY (with Let Us Take You Back to RAW) v. KURT ANGLE (with Let Us Take You Back to RAW) and NARCISSIteST - Angle goes ahead and hits the ring before Test can finish his entrance - they trade rights until Angle rakes Rikishi's face - right, right, right, right, into the corner is reversed, Rikishi in with a rear splash - Angle flumps - Test comes in to save him - Rikishi ducks the swing and superkicks him - HE falls into Angle. Before we get the double stinkface, Test and Angle roll out of the way and Angle makes Rikishi triplespin with a clothesline. Angle goads Edge in, tying up referee "Blind" Mike Chioda while Test works over Rikishi. Angle back on him - right, right, off the ropes - but into a Samoan Drop from 'kishi. Who will make the tag? Chioda's up to 6 - tag to Edge! Top rope clothesline for Angle, clothesline for Test, clothesline for Angle, half nelson bulldog (?) for Test, Edge-o-matic for Angle, Test breaks THAT up, Rikishi in, Rikishi and Test out. Test manages to reverse course and put 'kishi into the STEEL steps - back in the ring, meanwhile, Angle wants the Olympic Slam but Edge goes behind - gutshot - Test in and Edge gives up on the DDT in favour of the SPEAR on Test - back to Angle, who has recovered and GETS the Olympic Slam - 1, 2, 3! (Manhattan 2:12) Test adds the Wotsitolla Boot post-match - Rikishi back in, HE'S a house of fire on both men - Angle foolishly tries the sunset flip (oh my) but it's all right as Test comes in with a clothesline to the back before Rikishi can unleash the power of the SQUASH. Doubleteam on Rikishi ensues...and THIS time THE ROCK actually comes out when the crowd chants "Rock E!" Spinebuster for Angle - Rock ducks the Boot, Test eats a right, right, right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT, Test flumps and Rock directs Rikishi into giving Test a stinkyface. Play his music! Sheesh, where'd Edge go during all this?

Triple H video - go buy U2's album - at the end, a notice: "TRIPLE H RETURNS: RAW JANUARY 7"

MICHAEL KING COLE is backstage with Test. We take a replay of the stinkface. "What, you think that's funny, Michael Cole? Do you have any idea how embarrassing that is? What, am I here to amuse you? You know what's funny, Michael Cole? You know what's going to be real funny? When I kick the Rock's ass Thursday night on 'his show,' SmackDown! Then we'll see who's laughing? You know what, Michael Cole? You need a beating. Actually, I think I'm gonna give you one - I can do whatever I want! I have immunity, you can't fire me!" And he piefaces him into the cyclone fencing, and adds a face rake for good measure. "Who's laughing now?" I was hoping he'd say "Michael Cole" three more times.

WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW (with Let Us Take You Back to Heat) and TAJIRI (with Torrie Samuda) v. THA 1 BILLY GUNN & CHUCK PALUMBO - I guess they gave up on that music they were using for, like, a week - they come out to "I Got It All." Lawler: "Look at 'em - hot lookin' young guys..." Ross: "You ARE lonesome." Tajiri and Palumbo start - lockup, shoved down by Palumbo, stomp, right, kick. Right, kick, right, right, right, kick, right, into the opposite corner - boot up by Tajiri. Standing backflip press gets 2. Into the ropes is reversed, Tajiri slides under and kicks the leg - dropkick to the head off the ropes. Kick, kick, kick, right, off the ropes - but caught in a belly-to-belly suplex by Palumbo. Stomp, stomp, stomp. Tag to Gunn - held down for the stomp, stomp, stomp. Head to the turnbuckle, right, right, right, right, right, "get outta my face," stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp. This is more exciting than it sounds...but not much. Head to Palumbo's boot. Gunn goads Show just enough to make sure referee "Blind" Chad Patton has his back to Palumbo's illegal doubleteaming. Scoop...and a slam by Palumbo. Wheelbarrow - trips - THERE we go - got him up and Gunn is off the ropes with a Hart Attack-like clothesline - 1, 2, Tajiri kicks out. 1, 2, no. Tag to Palumbo - stomp. Scoop...running powerslam but he leaves Tajiri behind - Tajiri ducks a clothesline and hits a superkick. Tajiri crawls to Show...Palumbo tags Gunn - HOT TAG TO THE SHOW! Clothesline! Clothesline! Clothesline for Palumbo! Gunn into the ropes, back elbow. Big boot for Palumbo. Palumbo's head meets the turnbuckle. Bell clap AND splash in Gunn's corner - now throwing him to the other corner, where Tajiri is waiting - tarantula! Meanwhile, Palumbo is back in, and he doesn't get ALL of the Jungle Kick - but he does stagger him - Show manages a clothesline off the ropes for Palumbo, but Gunn DOES hit the Fame-Asser. Tajiri tags himself back in - kick kick kick kick. Into the ropes is reversed, Tajiri ducks and heads to the ropes for the handspring elbow - but for no reason apparent to anybody, Torrie had chosen THAT moment to climb up on the apron, and Tajiri gives her both feet in the mush during his handstand. Gunn tries a suplex but Tajiri backflips out - off the ropes but Palumbo gets a shot in the back, causing Tajiri to stagger into a really high pancake - and Gunn gets the pin. (4:26) Replay of Torrie being really stupid - and of Tajiri getting finished off for the pin. Awww, Torrie just apologised to Tajiri. Ross and Lawler are going "it's not HER fault" but fail to explain why she'd get up on the apron.

Back to the confessional. "...I had three desserts with dinner last week, and then, and then the next night - I had, oh! I had a shot of alcohol..." "Yo yo, hold 'em up, man." "Yes, father." "You mean to tell me you haven't been down in the red light district. You mean to tell me there are no ladies of the night." "No, father, there are no ladies of the night." "You mean to tell me you haven't been smokin' the green stuff - the marijuana." "I don't smoke - who? No! Not at all." "Well, I tell you what. Your penitence will be - you go home, right? You give me 2 Hail Marys, right? I want you to stand up right now, right? Stand up, stand up, get on your feet right now...and get the hell outta my office right now. ALl right. NEXT! Next, come on in, man. Come on in. Man. Yes, my son. What do you wish to confess?" Camera pulls back to reveal Austin. "SPEAK UP, SUCKA! Whatchoo wanna confess?" "What?" "Do you...have any sins...you wanna confess?" "No, I don't. I ain't sinned yet, father. But I'm fixin' to sin and it's gonna be real, real bad. WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT"

T gets to running....and Austin runs right after him

Kane wastes another four cans of Chef Boyardee Big Beefaroni - man he MUST be retarded

Booker and Austin's chase ends when they counter a trio of praying nuns. "Oh, sisters! How ya doing?" "Our prayers have been answered! Do you have a car?" "Yeah, I gotta ride!" "Can you take us to the orphanage?" "Yeah I can take you to the orphanage! By the way--" "Don't go nowhere with that man!" "Don't go nowhere with that man!" "Have y'all met my friend Stone Cold Steve Austin?" One pinches his cheek. "Oh, how cute, I bet you were an altar boy." T walks out with the nuns while the priest shakes Austin's hand. "How you doing?" "I'm in a hurry." "Welcome to the parrish." "Thank you." "Maybe it's a good time I should hear your confession." "What?"

Rob van Dam is WALKING! Flair happens by and asks him if he's ever thought about using the figure four. THEY walk off together...

Wow, short segment.

The Ass Kissing segment is the featured clip for THIS "Best of 2001" ad

MR. McMAHON is in the ring when we get back. "Allow me to introduce you to the UNDISPUTED World Wrestling Federation champion, and a man unquestionably who is in fact a living legend - give it up, ladies and gentlemen, for Y2J, Chris Jericho!"

UNDISPUTED CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: MR. JERICHO v. POINTS TO SELF - Vince makes sure to let us all see him applauding Jericho - oh man, even going so far as to give him a BIG HUG. Ross: "He's hugging Jericho like they were Sigfried & Roy!" Huh? THE MAN makes the next entrance, as McMahon takes third headset. Lockup, arm wringer by Jericho, yankin' and crankin', van Dam rolls out - right by Jericho, right, right, chop, chop, into the ropes, van Dam ducks, back to back off the ropes - waistlock by van Dam, Jericho shoves him back - leapfrog van Dam, splits out, monkey flip, spinning heel kick...climbing to the top but Jericho's already left the ring - oops, Jericho walked too close to van Dam - he STILL comes off the top and hits a crossbody. van Dam stomps, Jericho rolled back in - kick by van Dam, elbow, kick, elbow, kick, kick, right, calling a spot, elbow, kick, into the opposite corner, shoulder to the gut, shoulder, superfluous backflip, shoulder MISSES and Jericho hits a release German suplex. Jericho hooks the leg - 1, 2, no. Yikes, Flair's count was FUNNY looking. Jericho boots van Dam's head - again - scoop and a slam - off the ropes with the elbowdrop, elbowdrop off the ropes again, THIRD elbowdrop off the ropes - 1, 2, no. Jericho to the chinlock. Flair looks BORED. Everybody back up - Elbow by Jericho, elbow by van Dam, elbow, elbow, elbow, kick, into the opposite corner is reversed, Jericho with the "bulldog," Lionsault no but he lands on his feet - Jericho with a clothesline - 1, 2, no. I got it - Flair's "pitty patting" instead of making the big, sweeping arc for his counts. Jericho with a blatant choke on the second rope. I THINK Flair's putting on a five count. Head to the turnbuckle by Jericho - chop, chop. Lawler asks what experience Flair has as the head of a wrestling organisation...I guess he didn't know Flair was CEO of WCW or somethin'. Chop, chop. Jericho whips van Dam to the opposite corner - van Dam jumps up and over as Jericho comes in - rollup gets 2, but Jericho comes right back with a big dropkick. van Dam with a bodyshot - Jericho with a rake of the face. "RVD" chant. Jericho with a delayed suplex. "C'mon Baby" gets 2. Jericho hits a most muscular pose for Vince. Jericho stomping away - van Dam back up with rights and lefts. Into the ropes is reversed by Jericho - van Dam manages a rollup for 2. "van Dam pulled the tights!" says McMahon. "I used to do this, by the way." Another rope choke. Slap in the face by Jericho. Into the ropes is reversed, head down, Jericho with a kick. van Dam catches the next kick, steps over and hits a roundhouse kick. Both men are down - Flair makes a very soft count. Final Fantasy X replay of the stepover roundhouse kick. Both men up at (whisper) - elbow by van Dam, elbow, kick, into the opposite corner is reversed, van Dam gets the elbow up, vaults to the top - somersault cannonball - 1, 2, no! Jericho put into the ropes, reversed, van Dam goes for a Frankensteiner...but Jericho stops him and clamps on the Walls of Jericho!! van Dam manages to inch across the ring....and grabs the bottom rope. Jericho pulls him back out...but before he can put it on again, van Dam rolls him up - 1, 2, NO! Jericho back up - stomping and kicking away on van Dam, even as he rolls underneath the bottom rope. Finally, Flair pulls him off of him - Jericho shoves him. Flair shoves back! van Dam in with a heel kick - off the ropes with Rolling Thunder! van Dam to the top - Fivestar frog splash! Cover - Vince is leaving - 1, 2, Flair stops and waits for Vince to pull him out - ugh. Anyway, Vince (kinda) slugs him and hits the ring. Flair back in - chop! Trick knee! Double leg takedown - knee to the groin, knee to the groin - meanwhile, van Dam has a double leg takedown on Jericho....and now each man puts on a figure four! Vince and Jericho get to screaming. Play van Dam's music! Ross says disqualification, well...okay. (DQ? 8:55) "It's on - it's really on, now!" What's on, Ross? No matter, Raw Zone credits are up and we're outta here.

One more vacation left in me for this year - but I SHOULD be home for Christmas. Toodles!