I GET LETTERS:
First, a piece of week-old old business from Jason Amos:
CRZ, I think you missed the boat last week. You dropped the ball if you
will. When Big Show and Albert were decorating Kane last week Jerry Lawler
said, "He looks like a Christmas Creature." That was a reference to Kane's
old USWA gimmick "The Christmas Creature" from the early 90's. I thought
that you'd pick up on it right away and make mention of that. If you did
notice then you didn't mention. I feel a bit let down, but you'll catch
the next old USWA gimmick reference I guess.
I dunno, Jason, I bet I won't - I didn't get much USWA over in California. Please feel free to enlighten me again in the future!
BLATANT PLUG: My brand new message board, Wienerville, is up and open for business - we've already got over 200 members, only three of which are female. I'm not sure what that means that I can attract more gay guys than girls to a message board....wait, I think I just made the "I Didn't Say It" list - good thing that's outta business. So! I want MORE female readers and MORE gay guys to sign up. YES! If you're not into the talking about the wrestling, there's also forums for other sports, music, randomness, bitching about the guy who CAN'T keep his DAMN mouth shut, and best of all it's a LIGHTNING fast message board with ALL the features you love AND none of the ads. So GO! Don't let the fact that I think everybody visiting a message board is a wiener stop you - I'm the KING of the wieners!
BLATANT PLUG 2: In the interest of fairness, Rick's finally gotten HIS (vastly inferior!) set of forums up and running - but as a loyal employee, it's my duty to ask you to click on http://onlineonslaught.com/OOForums/, get over THERE and check out the Amazon Onslaught Forums. I've been told by people who obviously don't know any better that "it's better than CRZ's board," and by golly, I sure don't know how to respond to THAT.
DARK SIDE: It is official, I have a DVD player! DVD reviews at the top of the TV reports are sure to be imminent...
TONIGHT: It's ALWAYS the granddaddy of them all, even if they don't explicitly use the phrase, and as luck would have it, there's another big tag team main event scheduled tonight, as Rock and Austin team up to take on Booker T & The Bossman! Is it still true that the Rock will never forget? FIND OUT SOON! They're really going to just call him "The Bossman" from now on, aren't they. Oh well. OH - also, Triple H might return tonight or something
TNG: "The Hunted" is a pretty good yarn with two pretty good cat and mouse chase sequences - final score: criminal 1, Enterprise 1 - a DRAW Also, be amused by a pre-Zefram Cochram, pre-Farmer Dude in Babe James Cromwell as the prime minister!
QUICK QUOTE: WWF 13.70 (-.80, last year: 17 15/16, two years ago: 15 1/64)
OH NO, THIS HEADER IS TOO BIG: Tough SHIT. I'm under the weather and it makes me WORDY. If you're any kind of savvy, you've already learned how to skim to the One World Leader line anyway...RIGHT?
One World Leader ...
OH, ONE LAST THING: This is the week of the ninth anniversary of the first Monday Night RAW! Go read my "lost" Monday Night RAW report at http://slashwrestling.com/monday/RAW.930111.final! OKAY NOW WE GO
One World Leader Attitude - CC - WWF!
Special Video Look at Triple H gets less Special each time they play it - TV-14-DLV - TRIPLE H RETURNS / TONIGHT IN NEW YORK CITY
Opening Credits - in fact, Triple H *is* the first person you see in these credits, He Who Has Eyes of Eagle
TRIPLE PYRO and we're doing it again - coming to you LIVE 7.1.2 from Madison Square Garden in New York, NY and transmidito en espanol SAP here AND in WWF New York - oh what a night - oh what a night
TONIGHT: Rock & Austin vs. Booker T & Bossman!
YOU ARE THE BOOKER: How would YOU start off the tenth year of RAW? Yep...
BILLIONAIRE VINCE swaggers to the ring with a wrapped present in hand. Your hosts are a pair of kings, LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER. There are 16,102 in attendance - that's 16,100, Robert and Tanya, by the way. I sure hope I get a show report from Robert. Does Vince have a shiner? Again, the "What?"s are removed for your convenience, but mostly because I'm getting tired of them. "Tonight - tonight I have something to talk to you about that's more important than Triple H's return...tonight, I wanna talk about the Ric Flair/Vince McMahon matchup at the Royal Rumble. Now I know the vast majority of you feel as though Ric Flair should not be in the ring with a man of my distinction, my calibre...many of you feel, probably the vast majority as well, that Ric Flair doesn't deserve and, as a matter of fact, Ric Flair is just...not only not the same calibre as Mr. McMahon - please don't start with that 'what' crap tonight - Ric Flair is not worthy of being in the ring with me (Vince McMahon). I disagree with that. I'm about to show you a collage, a montage of footage of Ric Flair from the 80's and the 90's - you'll see Flair, highlights of Flair in action with names like, well, Dusty Rhodes, Harley Race, Ricky 'the Dragon' Steamboat, (the Man They Call) Vader, a whole littany of individuals - let's take a look at Ric Flair in action."
To Kid Rock's "Cocky," here's a Special Video Look at Ric Flair - this is more WCW footage than we've EVER seen the WWF use - of course, the quote from Flair is "when you're the king of the WWF, you're the ruler of the world - woooo!" You say I'm cocky, and I say "What?" Hey look Syxx!!
"Yeah, that's impressive, all right - Mr. Flair wasn't content on having one, if not the greatest wrestling career of all time. No, no, no, on November 19, Mr. Flair thought he would start a new career. Let's take a look at this footage, since you asked, from Charlotte, North Carolina. Here, Mr. Flair is walking down the aisle, and momentarily he was to announce that he was my 50-50 partner, having bought the stock of my rotten kids (Shane and Stephanie McMahon). A couple of weeks ago, almost, Mr. Flair made yet another announcement, let's take a look at that footage, when he challenged me to a match at the Royal Rumble. ... Now, in slow motion, he busted me right in the mouth. [also with slomo sound] I certainly didn't appreciate that. Nor did I appreciate what Flair did last Thursday night, in an unprovoked attack from behind. Here's Ric Flair attacking Mr. McMahon. Look at this, watch. Now look at that - in slow motion - Flair nailed me right in the eye, I took five stitches on the inside, three on the outside. Therefore, at the Rumble, Flair has the old expression 'in order to be the Man, you have to beat the Man.' Well, you know what, Flair, I'm already the Man, and right now I'm gonna prove it." He saunters over to the box...and removes a white wig... "Hold your applause." ...and the blue "Nature Boy" robe. Vince does some adjustments as the crowd chants "Ass Hole." Robe's finally on. "It's a little tight, but..." and ties the robe up. "Let's see, it goes a little something like this." And he does the strut. "Yeah, I think I got the hang of it now." Time for a timely interruption by THE MAN - I dunno, giving him a hard look, Vince looks more like the Maestro than the Nature Boy. Ross mentions that Flair hasn't been in the Garden since 1991. Flair swipes the mic from Vince. "This is another example of what I was talking to you about a couple weeks ago - every time you take a part of my life and make it real, and make a tribute like that as you just did to my career, I find that soft spot in my heart for you again. BUT THEN YOU DO SOMETHIN' STUPID!" Jacket off. "Like puttin' that wig on and puttin' my robe on! Like, who the hell do you think you are, my man? I'm Ric Flair! I'm the Nature Boy! And you will never make fun of me, or get in my face ever again! You got it? I'm Ric Flair, and you're not! Now take off that damn wig right now. No?" Flair swipes it off his head. The rug is next! "Have you figured out what's next? Take off my (Goddam) robe right now, before I kick your ass from one side of Manhattan to the other - now! NOW! NOW - you got it? Now--" PING Vince produces a lead pipe from his pocket and CLOCKS Flair right in the temple. Vince removes the robe, kicks it, and does some good stomping on it. Meanwhile, Flair has opened himself up off camera and is bleeding up a storm all over his white shirt. Vince pulls back Flair's hair and twirls him around the arena, showing everyone Flair's bloody head. Flair tossed out of the ring through the ropes. Vince has some more for the crowd...then decides to go after Flair again - foot to the back. McMahon out - Flair run into the STEEL steps. Kick, kick. Flair swings and misses - Vince picks him up and runs him into the ringpost as well. Flair's up to .4 Muta (rounding up) as Vince throws some more rights. Flair dumped in the ring - Vince walks off, pointing to his black eye and proclaiming Flair "a piece of crap" before walking off. Play "No Chance in Hell" again!
Hey, that was pretty good.
I wonder why they can't write a segment like that for two wrestlers?
Also, I should note that I didn't see Triple H in this segment - well, the "Beautiful Day" doesn't count.
Moments Ago - this time we stay on the closeup of Vince, lest we think the previous segment was somehow about Flair
During the Break, the EMT's tended to Flair....oh, WAIT - they DIDN'T show ANY kind of segment even remotely RESEMBLING this - I guess 'cause there wouldn't have been any Vince in it
POINTS TO SELF v. THE NARCISSIteST - wow, the unbelievable push meets the unjobbable object - I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that referee "Blind" Tim White may SOMEHOW figure into the outcome. Lockup, no, knee by Test, overhand forearm to the back. Right hand. This is van Dam's MSG debut, Ross relates. Sent into the ropes, head down so van Dam goes back to back over Test - ducks a clothesline, Viscera kick off the ropes gets van Dam 2. Elbow by van Dam, elbow, duck, spin kick...caught by Test, and van Dam gets dropped. Test in the mount - seven rights before White can get to 4. van Dam shot into the corner, quick follow clothesline by Test. Back to the first corner, another clothesline - Test shoves him down and hooks the leg - 1, 2, no. Test hits the headlock 'cause it's been a tough, hard minute. Crowd picks up an "RVD" chant, so it's not for nothing that they have the resthold. van Dam elbows out, but Test drives him back down with a forearm in the back. Suplex coming up - van Dam lands on his feet - van Dam with a dropkick to the knee to chop him down. Test limps in - gutshot by van Dam, right, elbow, springs up for a back kick - into the ropes is reversed into a gutshot - Test wants the Meltdown but van Dam breaks free - van Dam catches a kick, and hits the stepover heel kick. van Dam vaulting up - Test shoves White into the ropes to crotch van Dam. Test covers - feet on the ropes - 1, 2, JUST kicked out! Test throws a tantrum and argues the count. BIG shove for White - White off the ropes and back with a shove of his own - Test backs into a rollup - 1, 2, NO! Test clotehslines van Dam back down, then gives White what for. Test waits for him to get up - van Dam DUCKS the Boot, then hits a leaping enzuigiri (I may have made that name up) to take Test outside. Test decides he's had enough of this crap and grabs a chair. White tells him no way, Test shoves him away, and while White isn't looking, van Dam hits the van Daminator! van Dam up - pointing to himself - Fivestar frog splash - leg is hooked - 1, 2, 3, van Dam! (3:45) Replay of the van Daminator...and Fivestar.
Backstage, JONATHAN COACHMAN says he's waiting for Triple H - Kurt Angle interrupts and takes umbrage that he's not interviewing someone who's actually decent enough to be here on time. "The way everyone's acting around here, you'd think that Mayor Giuliani gave him the key to the city or something." "Well, actually, Kurt, it's Mayor Bloomberg now - Mayor Giuliani--" "SHUT UP! Don't correct me! If anybody should be interviewed, it should be me! I'M the one with the big announcement to make." "All right, Kurt - what's your big announcement?" "Ha! Oh, you would love that, wouldn't you. You would LOVE to get the big scoop, wouldn't you. Well, I'm not gonna stand here and answer your...PITY questions. So when Triple H shows up, start spreadin' the news. Tonight...is MY night, it's true."
Kane leaves another four children hungry by wasting Chef Boyardee Big Beefaroni
The WWF - live! This week: MSG redux for SmackDown!, Big Friendly Lubbock, Houston; next week Dallas for RAW, and Bossier City for SmackDown!
Look! WWF New York!
Inside, Trish Stratus is hosting the RAW party. Before she gets to say too much of anything, Terri is out to interrupt, saying how great it is to be the brand new, better host of Excess. Trish asks what she's doing here. "Trish, you're so pathetic with your little Women's title, strutting around. You know, You KNOW deep down in your heart, you just don't measure up to me! I'm more talented than you, I'm better looking than you, I'm more athletic than you, and that's why I'm here - to challenge you." "You're gonna challenge me? Terri, what sort of - hold up - what sort of challenge have you got for me, Terri? Is it a...bra and panties match? How 'bout a lingerie match? Or the ever exciting mud wrestling match, whatcha got? Terri, every challenge I've accepted, I've delivered 100% Stratusfaction guaranteed. You name it." "Okay. Let's see, um.....oh I've got it! How about a umm....wet T-shirt contest? Huh? Oh, I'm sorry, Trish - unless you're afraid you might lose." "Terri...you're on." I feel dumber having typed most of that up.
BILLY & CHUCK v. SCOTTY 2 HOTTY & ALBERT 2...ALBERT - Ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA introduces them as "Chuck & Billy" in direct opposition to the graphic (Billy & Chuck) as well as the EntertainmentTron (Gunn Palumbo) - who knows, either way I'm frightened. Or am I just a little bit curious? "Hey hey, whoa whoa whoa - whoa whoa whoa whoa. Did I just hear that right? Trish and Terri in a wet T-shirt contest? If anyone should be in a wet T-shirt contest, it should be me 'n' Chuck, because...because of our fabulous physiques! Now, you don't think so? Chuck, why don't you pull out your hose, and get all these people--" "Turn it up!" Well, dodged a bullet there, didn't we. This match, incidentally, was set up as a result of shenanigans taking place during last night's Heat, which saw - believe it or not - two separate singles matches involving these two teams. Billy and Albert start - lockup, side headlock by Billy - Albert tosses him off - I mean, throws him to the corner with Billy landing on his feet. Albert walks into a kick, right, right, right, Billy pulls on him - I mean, tries to whip him out of the corner, but Albert stands hard - err, FAST - err...stays his ground, so Billy kicks him twice - Albert reverses the whip into a clothesline. Free shot for Chuck as HER comes in - whip into Billy, yaaaaaavalanche on both men - Chuck falls to the apron and Billy is wobbling, wobbling, wobbling....and there's the TIMBERRRRRR headbutt to the groin we've all come to know and love. Scotty finds it so funny, he hangs himself by the ankles in the ropes. Albert frees him and tags out. Scotty does the "my peepee hurts!" dance but Chuck is not amused. "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine" by Scotty, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, dueling hiptosses, slap in the gut by Scotty bends him over - I mean, doubles him over, leg over the neck, flippy floppy dong - I mean, flippy flippy - ducks a clothesline and hits a neckbreaker for 2. Right hand by Scotty, staying on him - whip is reversed, and Billy gets a cheap look - cheap SHOT from behind - err, in the back - Scotty turns around and punches him back. But that momentary distraction proves important as Chuck lays him down - OUT - with a clothesline. Chuck gets to stomping a bunghole - mudhole in him - stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp...stomp. Right hand. Discus punch. Scooped up...Scotty breaks free on the running powerslam attempt and shoves Chuck to the corner - ducks a swing, gutshot, DDT - Chuck with the Venis-like handstand sell. Very nice. Albert wants the tag and the crowd comes...comes ALIVE for him. Tag for Billy, HOT TAG for Albert! Albert with a right, right for Chuck, right for Billy, right for Chuck, Billy into the ropes, big powerslam by Albert - Albert is exploding all over the place - oh I mean....well, he gets 2 - Chuck comes in but ends up elbowdropping his life partner - his PARTNER when Albert moves aside. Albert puts him down with a right. Billy shot into the corner, big yaaaah splash by Albert, tag to Scotty and Albert wants him to get a piece...or hit him with the bulldog, but Billy is ready for it - catching him with the full nelson, but Scotty breaks free as Chuck throws the right hand - AGAIN catching Billy instead of his opponent. Albert is back in the fray to pump him - err, pump KICK Chuck out of the ring - Scotty DOES bulldog Billy and it's time to dance! Gonna Make You Sweat W O R M hoo hoo hoo HOO HOO HOO HI-YA 1, 2, Chuck rescues Billy, pulling Scotty off his man - his partner, and out of the ring. Chuck in - JUNGLE KICK for Albert! Over to Scotty on the apron - Scotty again hits "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," shoulder to the gut through the ropes, back to back over the top and back into the ring, off the ropes but sucks - DUCKS the clothesline from Chuck - but Billy is also back in the ring and he's LONG and STRONG... with the gut (money) shot, the Pound Ass'er, and laying on top of him - COVERING for the 1, 2, 3. (3:45) Whew, I'm spent. For some reason, I feel like Kevin Nealon must have felt after he watched "Heavy Into Jeff." Quick, let's go to an ad break.
Hmm, SOMEHOW we made it through that segment without sight of Triple H.
Look! It's SNOWING in New York!
SHARMELL SULLIVAN stands backstage with Chris Jericho, who's got a nontitle match with Rikishi tonight. "...hold on a second, SHARMELL. First of all, you address me the way I demand and deserve to be addressed, and that is the living legend, larger than life, UNDISPUTED WWF CHAMPION, CHRIS JERICHO. And second of all, how gratifying was it to see the valiant Mr. McMahon leave Ric Flair lying in a pool of his very own blood. After all, it was Ric Flair who gave Rock the opportunity to be #1 Contender for my championship, which gives me the opportunity to beat The Rock at the Royal Rumble for the unprecented one, two, three, four, fifth time! And it was also Mr. Flair who booked me tonight in a nontitle match against Rikishi - why? Because Ric Flair and everybody watching wants to see Chris Jericho get the stinkface. Let me show you something - look at this beautiful, gorgeous profile, Sharmell. Look at this picture perfect Picasso of a face, huh? It's never been desecrated by the stinkface, and it's not gonna be desecrated by the stinkface tonight. So everybody watching who gets down on their knees and prays 'please, God, allow me to be just half as good looking as the Undisputed Champion Chris Jericho' is gonna be very, VERY disappointed tonight."
To MICHAEL KING COLE we go! "What an incredible night it's been already tonight live in Madison Square G-- garden." Cole stops short as we pull back to see Austin standing next to him. "What?" "I was just saying, it's been an incredible--" "What?" "It's been a great night!" "What?" "Here tonight!" "What?" "Well, Steve, you know it's gonna just" "What?" "It's gonna just get even--" "What? No, go ahead." "Well, I was gonna ask you--" "What? You were gonna ask me a buncha questions, is that what you were gonna do? You were gonna ask me some questions. I'm not gonna answer your questions, I got three things I wanna talk about. You understand three? The first thing I wanna talk about, the man I saw backstage tonight. I said the man I saw backstage tonight. The man I saw backstage was Triple H. It was Triple H. I said that man's name was Triple H. And do you know what, Michael, I'm not here to wish that man good luck, no that's not what I'm here to do. Because I came back from that same sorta-- set of circumstances, he almost had his career ended. He almost had his career ended. He almost had to quit, do you understand me? So I'm not here to wish him good luck. How ya doin'? Are you having a good day? It's been a long time. I can't wait to look that man right in the eye, face to face. I said face to face. The other thing I wanna talk about, Michael - is Stone Cold Steve Austin is entering himself, tonight, in the Royal Rumble. I said the Royal Rumble. I said the Royal Rumble. You know, that match where you take a sumbitch and you throw him over the top rope. That's what Stone Cold Steve Austin's gonna do, throw 29 sumbitches over the top rope and advance to WrestleMania. Let me make that simple for ya - I'm gonna throw a man over the top rope - then another - then another - then another - then another - then another - then another - another - another - another - another - another - another - another - another - another - another - another - another - another - another - another - another - a - how many men was that? YOU get the picture, Stone Cold Steve Austin is throwin' 29 sumbitches over the top rope, and he's going to WrestleMania. The other thing I wanted to talk about tonight was MSG - right here at Madison Square Garden, Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna team up with the Rock - the Great One - the most electrifying man in sports entertainment - and we're gonna open up a big, fat can of whoopass on Booker T. On Booker T. On Booker T. And that sorry sumbitch the Big Boss Man. Because Big Boss Man and Booker T, you ain't gonna run roughshod over the good name of Stone Cold Steve Austin, EH EH! So tonight, two sumbitches - two sumbitches - two sumbitches - two sumbitches - are gonna get their asses whooped - and that's the bottom line - and that's the bottom line - and that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold Said So."
Okay, NOW it's old.
Lawler produces a Super Soaker, which he will use later in the night to....say, where's Billy & Chuck?
WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: KING EDGE (with Rob Zombie CD cover - and RAW is brought to you by "Black Hawk Down," Stacker 2, and Squaresoft's "Final Fantasy X!") v. LANCE STORM - Lockup, Storm with a forearm in the back, make it three. To the corner, right, into the opposite corner, follow lariat, shoves him down, springs to the top...but Edge catches him with a dropkick on his way down! Edge ducks the clothesline, back elbow, back elbow, into the ropes, big back body drop. Gutshot, going for the Edgecution (already?) but Storm counters - Storm's kick caught and Edge rolls him up for 2, Storm rolls back and grabs the half crab (already?) - Edge quickly to the ropes - Storm hangs onto the leg, wanting to pull him back out - forearm in the back, forearm, Edge with two back elbows to break it up - Storm shoots for the leg again but Edge forearms the back, forearm, steps over to counter, into the Edgecution (already?) for the 1, 2, 3 (already?) and the Champ retains. (1:10) Give it a replay! Before it's over, KISS ASSMAN surprises Edge at the top of the stage with an English Gentlemen's Beatdown, culminating in a loaded left hand with the aid of the brass knuckles. The REFS are out but Regal's done what he's wanted. Edge is out cold on the ramp. I *believe* that beatdown lasted as long as the previous match. Replay of Regal coming out during the replay - and a crystal clear shot of Regal winding up with the knux. Edge is helped backstage by the zebras. Triple H did not appear in this segment.
UP NEXT: Austin - Rock - Booker - Bossman!
Trish Stratus shills Stacker 2
And now, the WWF Slam of the Week, brought to you by Squaresoft's "Final Fantasy X" for the PlayStation 2! From SmackDown!, Booker T & Bossman doubleteam Rock until Austin comes out, then they doubleteam HIM.
Backstage, Angle and Christian converse! "I don't get it!" "I don't get it either." "I mean, what's the big deal about Triple H, anyway?" "I don't see it, man, I don't know." "Who was the guy that singlehandedly saved the WWF at Survivor Series?" "You, Kurt Angle." "And who's the guy that brings happiness and joy to children all over the world every single day?" "Kurt Angle!" "Exactly. I mean, where was Triple H during the inVasion, anyway?" "Probably sitting at home...spinning U2 records or something! I don't know." "U2. He prob'ly was! I can't stand that song. (mocking) Ehhtha byootaafeh dehh! You wanna know a beautiful day?" "What?" "A beautiful day was when I won the Olympic Gold medal." "Yeah, that was a good one!" "You wanna know another beautiful day?" "Yeah." "When I won the WWF title - both times! You wanna know another beautiful day?" "The day I became Champion of Europe?" "....yeah, that - that was - that was a good one. But the point is, I'm not gonna let a guy like Triple H - a guy that tore his *quadracep* - I mean, he was out eight months! I tear my quadracep all the time! I tore it this morning, I'm fine! I'm here, I'm jumpin' around - I'm not gonna let a guy like that steal MY thunder!" "No way, you know what you need to do, Kurt, you know what you need to do?" "Huh?" "You need to make tonight your PERSONAL beautiful day." "Yeah."
BOOKER T and BOSSMAN ISHEBIG (with RAW Credits & transmitido en espanol SAP) v. THE ROCK (with TV-14-DLV & CC boxes) and STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN Bossman is back to the flak jacket and nightstick, no doubt due to popular request. Rock and Austin talk it over, then decide to go out after them to start - Rock with Booker T, and Austin with Bossman. It's a Pier Four brawl on the outside - Austin and Bossman head inside, where the opening bell sounds - into the ropes, Austin drops down - Austin with the Austin Press and nine rights - off the ropes with the Fuck You elbow. Brought back up - right, right, right, clotheslined outside. Rock rolls Booker in for Austin - right, right, right, Booker tries a whip but Austin shoves him away - Booker with a shoulderblock, though. Booker off the ropes - ducks, ducks, Austin gives him a hot shot. HE gets a Fuck You elbow. Rock's taken Bossman to the comentary table in the meantime. Austin with a chop, chop, chop, chop, climbing up for the Four What Count Along - T tries to take him out and cut it short with an atomic drop, but it doesn't work - Austin clotheslines him down. Austin tosses Booker out - so Rock rolls Bossman back in. Austin chop, chop, chop, chop, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, what, what, what, what what what what what what what, what, Bossman manages a thumb in the eye. But the whip is reversed - Austin clotehslines him down and tags in Rock - right, right, right, right, right, off the ropes, ducks a Bossman clothesline attempt and hits the flying clothesline for 2. Into the ropes is reversed, splash by Bossman, right, tag to T. But Rock pops out with a clothesline. Whip into the ropes is reversed, but Rock manages to facefirst T to the mat when he puts his head down. Right, T reverses the whip attempt and Bossman lowers the bridge, taking Rock outside and into the commentary table. T taunts Austin, occupying the attention of referee "Blind" Earl Hebner so Bossman can give Rock a nightstick shot. T goes outside - right, rolled in, T back in, field goal kick. T threatens another field goal kick, and Rock dutifully leaps in the air as if T had actually thrown the phantom kick (HAHAHAHAHA) - T kick, kick, kick. Free shot for Austin as well. T puts Rock into the ropes - but he ducks the swing - Rock right, right - T tries the reverse heel kick but Rock ducks it - T manages to block the right (!), elbow, forearm, forearm, into the ropes is reversed, Rock with the belly-to-belly throw and a free shot for Bossman. Rock laying in wait - spinebuster! Elbowpad is removed - tossed to the crowd - Rock off the ropes, NO, ankled by Bossman - and stumbles into the BOOK END!! Austin has had enough - right hand for Bossman - T into the ropes - spinebuster! Austin adds a stomp as Hebner finally gets him back to the corner, but not without a double bird. Both men are down and the count is on. T tags at 3 - Rock ain't goin' anywhere. Kneelift, right, right, right, into the opposite corner, laid against the top ropes - Bossman with repeated (nine) headbutts to the abdomen - hey, you gotta admit you don't see anybody ELSE on WWF TV doing that. But Rock comes right back - as in right, right, whip is reversed, Bossman with a clothesline, 1, 2, Rock shoots his shoulder up. Tag to T. Bossman holds up Rock for a superkick. Leg is hooked - 1, Austin breaks it up with a stomp. T with a right hand. Big chop. Chop. Chop. Rock turns it around - right, right, chop, chop, chop, into the ropes but T reverses to a knee - off the ropes, axe kick MISSES - Rock with a gutshot into DDT! Both men are down again. Hebner's count reaches 6 as Rock starts the slow, slow crawl to his corner. Tag to Bossman, tag to Austin! Clotehsline for Bossman! Clothesline for T! Clothesline for Bossman,a clothesline for T, Bossman into the ropes - I THINK that was supposed to be the spinebuster but Bossman tries to go over as if it were a backdrop - clothesline for T - Bossman into the ropes - again Austin tries the spinebuster, THIS time it looks like Bossman tries selling as if it were an atomic drop - but then goes down spinebuster style. Austin ducks the Harlem sidekick, accidentally tripping up T in the process - wow, this is getting ugly! Clothesline puts T in the corner. Stomp on Bossman, stomp, stomp, stomp, T from behind - but now Rock is back in and it's ALL breaking down. NOW KISS THAT RIGHT puts T outside - behind Hebner's back, Bossman again goes for the nightstick - he missed! KICK WHAM STUNNER! Austin covers - 1, 2, 3! (8:22) Austin gets the beer - catch, miss, catch, catch. Austin in Rock's face - no, just giving him a beer. Drink up, yo. Austin pours beer on Bossman while Rock opts for pouring beer on himself. Replay of the duck kick wham stunner. I thought the Rock would never, EVER forget, yet here he is taking a SECOND beer from Austin.
Backstage, Jericho admires himself in Test's mirror - now he is WALKING!
Okay, maybe it wasn't TEST's mirror...
Another four cans of Chef Boyardee Big Beefaroni that could have gone to Rwanda WASTED at the hands of Kane
In the local slot, we get the Royal Rumble ad
The WWF Overdrive of the Night is brought to you by Greyhound! From RAW three weeks ago, Rikishi gives Test the stinkface.
RIKASHMONEY (with the Royal Rumble, presented to by you Final Fantasy X!) v. MR. JERICHO in a nontitle match - later tonight, the Dudleyz take on Spike & Tazz for the tag titles with hardcore rules! Also, I hear Triple H might show up in the final segment but it'd be hard to say for SURE. Jericho runs at Rikishi but he blocks - right, right, right, into the corner, clothesline. Out of the corner, fat ass splash! Jericho flumps but referee "Blind" Nick Patrick won't allow Rikishi to move in for the kill (as it were). Jericho rolls out - Rikishi follows. Rikishi right, right, head to the announce table. Up on the shoulder...but Jericho manages to break free and shove Rikishi into the post. Jericho in the ring and out to break the count at 5 - elbow into the back. Now Jericho goes to work dismantling the barrier at ringside - Rikishi whipped into the paddingless wall. Back in the ring - Jericho up top - missile dropkick! Leg is hooked - 1, 2, no. Running field goal kick by Jericho - give him another one. Elbow, elbow, elbow, off the ropes but Rikishi lands an uppercut. Back elbow by Rikishi. Off the ropes...but the legdrop MISSES! Jericho off the ropes with his "bulldog" - Lionsault coming up but Rikishi's out of the way. Jericho lands on his feet - but eats a clothesline. Jericho off the ropes - caught - wait - standing whip spinebuster. Rikishi with the WOW Catapult. Jericho into the ropes - and Rikishi with the Samoan Drop. NOW the Drumstick Drop finds the target. Rikishi drags Jericho to the corner - he wants the Banzai, but again Patrick attempts to restrain him. 'kishi shoves him away (that should be a DQ RIGHT THERE) and tries it - Jericho's JUST out of the way in time, though, and the butt finds nothing. Jericho has a title belt on his way back in the ring - 'kishi ducks the swing - RIKISHIKICK sends Jericho into Patrick, and BOTH men fall in the corner - here it comes - no, Jericho is out and it's ONLY Patrick taking the stinkface! While he's blinded, Jericho takes another swing with the belt - and hits. Leg is hooked - Patrick *isn't even looking* their way as he counts a 1, 2, 3 and rings the bell for Jericho. (3:27) Ross (correctly) notes that 'kishi's shoulders weren't even down.
WWF Home Video wants you to know that "The Rock: Just Bring It" is released TOMORROW, as well as Survivor Series '01!
Trish Stratus shills Stacker 2 - again
I have this new idea for a TV show - it's kinda like "Highway to Heaven," except instead of Michael Landon and some guy in an A's cap, it's JARED...and he just kinda walks around looking for formerly fat people who eat Subway sandwiches, solving their problems and helping them learn about themselves. I figure that idea could make me MILLIONS of dollars...provided I don't have to pay Jared anything.
Or MAYBE it'd be even better as "The Incredible Hulk" but instead of Bill Bixby it's JARED and when he gets ANGRY, he turns back into REALLY FAT JARED and at the end of every show, that sad piano music plays as he walks off ALONE to find another Subway
THE WWF LIVE comes to MSG again, Beaumont, Wacky Waco, Dallas and Bossier City!
Big Show, Tajiri and Torrie chat backstage. "Trust me, now that he's back, competition...is definitely going through the roof." "I don't know, I've never met Triple H but I'm pretty excited, aren't you, Tajiri?" "Hey, I know Triple H - I've had my ups with him, and my downs with him, and trust me, he sets the bar for *everybody* in this company....what?" Angle's stepped in. "I can't believe this." "What?" "You guys are acting like teenagers at a Ricky Martin concert! It's Triple H for goodness sakes!" "You know Triple H sets a standard way above everybody else." "Am I the only one that remembers that Triple H made life miserable for everyone in the WWF before he got hurt? Or was it someone else bashing people in the head with a sledgehammer? What is the big deal? You're unbelievable!" Tajiri FINALLY figures out Triple H is returning tonight.
Ross asks if Lawler's put ice water in the Super Soaker. "It went off - my gun went off." He could SHOOT ME NOW.
Earlier Tonight, McMahon McMahon McMahon McMahon meow meow meow meow Lawler correctly points out that Ross saying "lack of disrespect makes no sense"
Meanwhile, Spike is shadowboxing to warm up - calling his right "for Bubba" and his left "for D-Von" - when the Dudleyz show up and bump him around - Spike shoves D-Von back, calling him "chump" (a highly underrated slur) - before D-Von fires back, Bubba holds him back as Tazz shows up. "Hey Tazz! 'sup man? Shouldn't you be gettin' ready for Sunday Night Heat, or chokin' out your mother or something?" "You know something? It's amazing. You guys have held those tag team titles it seems like, like a million times or so, but yet, you still have these BIG massive chips on your shoulders, I just don't get it." "Bubba, we have chips on our shoulders. Well, you know something Tazz, being that we have chips on our shoulders, why don't you come and...knock it off? Hehehehehehe..." "D-Von, they can't do that..." "Huh?" "They're too small! HAHAHA!" Spike lunges but Tazz holds HIM back. "Whoa, back it down, little bro! Hey Tazz, you know what your problem is? You forgot where you came from." Tazz is back. "I forgot where I came from, huh? Well guess what. Next, I'm gonna bring you back to where WE come from. You see, what's gonna happen if you gonna bring your bodies, your hearts, your asses, and these pretty little titles...and we're gonna take 'em from ya, tonight, NEXT, right here in the Garden!" "Back to where we come from?" "Yeah." "Well, see if you remember this. Beat us if you can." "Survive if we let you."
Kid Rock's "Cocky" is STILL the theme song for the Royal Rumble and this STILL is what the CD looks like!
WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ & SPIKE DUDLEY v. DUDLEY BOYZ (with Stacy Dudley) in a hardcore match - Tazz & Spike rush them on the ramp and we're underway - Tazz with D-Von, Bubba with Spike - everybody in, Bubba and Spike out, Spike into the steps - Tazz into the ropes, D-Von with the jumpin' back elbow. Bubba Ray with a trashcan lid to Tazz' head. More weaponry into the ring - Bubba Ray puts Spike sternum first into the corner. "We want tables!" Bubba hears 'em but grabs the fire extinguisher instead. Gutshot by Spike to break it up - wants the sunset flip but Bubba sprays him with the CO2. Tazz in the ring - stop sign in the head by Bubba - right, trashcan lid, scoop...and a slam. Bubba holds him for the headbutt to the graun from D-Von. Testify dance. "D-Von" - Bubba whispers it in his ear, 'cause they're HEELS. Ha! Table positioned in the ring. Spike back in with a headbutt to the gut of Bubba Ray - wants the Dudley 'dog through the table on D-Von, but Bubba pulls the table out of the way. Tazz back in but Bubba elbows him - Spike with the stop sign to the head - TIMBERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR - meanwhile, Tazz has the Tazzmission on D-Von - Spike wants that Dudley 'dog through the table - but Bubba stands fast and tosses him - fortunately, Tazz gets the table out of the way. Tazz with a big clothesline on Bubba. Stacy on the apron to provide distraction. Tazz checks her out - he likes it, yeah - but he sees Bubba coming and ducks the swing - now BUBBA is transfixed by Stacy's ass. Ross, to Lawler: "I don't think you should be talking to any more women named Stacy!" Tazz up from behind with a spin and a T-Bone Tazzplex that's supposed to go through the table, but instead Bubba just kinda bounces off it (OWCH), flipping the table over on his way to the mat. Tazz flips it back over - one leg is broken, so he kinda holds it up as Spike DOES get the Dudley 'dog through the table - maybe that Tazzplex wasn't supposed to be anywhere NEAR the table? - anyway, 1, 2, 3, ladies and gentlemen we have NEW tag team champions. (3:45) Spike can barely believe Teddy Long is handing him a tag team title belt. Tazz: "Right here, bitch!"
Trish buttons her jacket - and now she is WALKING!
Royal Rumble ad
Old school promo from an old school man - AWESOMETAKER: "Triple H - tonight's the big night, the big return. Man, the hype's been off the chart. The special videos...talkin' about the - mmm, the long road back, and the eight months of rehab. Hell, the mere mention of your name, the people, they go crazy. I'm sure you've been settin' back thinkin' 'wow, man, they really respect me...' Well let me fill you in on something, Triple H. They don't respect you. They don't respect people like us. They use us. All they want out of us is our blood. Our pain. What they want from you, Triple H, is for you to reinjure that leg. But man, I'm not here to bring you down. I want you to enjoy your night back. But don't forget in the celebration who runs the yard. And at the Royal Rumble, when I win.... I'll be the only dog standing in the middle of the ring." Wow, wonder what it means that we don't see him on the show tonight?
Lawler is in the ring: "All right, are we ready for this? I'll tell ya, I have fantasized for months about seeing Trish and Terri without their shirts on, but I can assure you, seeing 'em in wet T-shirts is gonna be the next best thing. So let's get 'em out here right now, all the way from WWF New York... first, the challenger...heeeeeere's Terri!"
NIPPLES v. TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL in a wet T-shirt contest - "Woo hoo! Oh YEAH! (whistles) Uh huh. Come on...bring those puppies down to the ringside - right here, Terri. Oh yes. You got that right. This is the Super Soaker, Terri, I call this my.. LUV GUN right here, baby. Oh oh! Went off prematurely. Tell you what - now we want to introduce the champion - none other than....Turrrrrish Stratus! Uh huh. We're expecting some real Stratusfaction tonight, I can assure you. Come on Trish. Right this way. Okay, now quickly girls. Right here, centre of the ring, face each other, lemme explain the...rules of this little challenge match. It is gonna be a wet T-shirt contest and you, the audience are gonna be the judges - yeah! I'm gonna soak you each down, and then we're gonna let the people here decide who looks the best in a wet T-shirt, and hopefully when this is over, this is gonna be so good, we'll all have a cigarette and go home WOOHOO! This is gonna be great. First, the challenger! Uh HUH! Are we ready to make those puppies sit up? All right! Are you ready? Ohhh baby! Yes! Woo is that water cold or what? Check it out! Show 'em right over here, right over here, Terri. Uh huh? What about this side, right over here, right over here. Yeah, yeah yeah, there you go, over here. Okay. That is, uh...very very excellent. Very excellent. Okay, Trish, you got your work cut out for ya. You wanna get over there against those ropes? OH, she wants to get right in the middle of the ring - wait a minute, we gotta get a little extra force here, lemme pump this thing up. [Lawler jacks it off] All right I need your help one more time, I need a countdown from five all the way to one, because Lord knows, I don't wanna shoot prematurely. Ready? Five...four...three...two...one....are you ready, Trish? Hey, wait, hey - hey!" JAZZZZZZZZZZZ is in from behind with a big forearm - and a DDT! Stomp, stomp, stomp - right, right, right - King pulls her off and checks on Stratus. Jazz reacts with a dropkick to Lawler's butt. Lawler seems unhappy - Jazz leaves the ring. Some music plays - maybe Jazz has new music? Geez, I would have thought Jazz would have had an easier time facing Terri....oh well.
TRIPLE H RETURNS NEXT
Time now for the WWF Royal Rumble Replay, presented by Squaresoft's "Final Fantasy X!" From 2001, Drew Carey narrowly escapes a chokeslam from Kane, then eliminates himself from the Royal Rumble
One more look at the outside of the Gahhhden
Moments Ago, WOW Trish can sell a DDT like nobody's business
"Time to play the game..." Well...here he is. THE NEW MAN is out in street clothes, but STILL feels the need to dump a bottle of water on his head at the top of the ramp. H must be doing everything he can do avoid smiling. That sound you hear is millions of keyboards clacking away in an attempt to be the first one to say something negative about this man - just try to ignore it. We're four minutes in with no end in sight...but the crowd doesn't care. This is what they came for, and they're letting him (and us) hear it. Music is finally down at 4:30. He's got THE STICK: "..." Nope, we'll wait out the crowd first. Five minutes. "Just in case you've forgotten, let me tell you just in the who the hell I am. I - AM - THE GAME. And you can betcher ass I'm back! And I am the guy that, tonight, officially enters the Royal Rumble! And I--" KURT ANGLE interrupts at this point, the crowd chanting "You suck!" in time to his music. H removes his double jacket. "Who the hell do you think you are? A quad injury kept you out for eight months - eight months! I won an Olympic gold medal with a broken freakin' neck! So you come back here for your big return, Triple H's big return! ["Ass hole!"] Well if anybody deserves this time right here right now, it's me! So you're on MY time, pal! And I'm glad you're out here to hear my major announcement, because it's even BIGGER than your big return. It's something that EVERYBODY'S been waiting for! And my major announcement is...that I, Kurt Angle will ALSO enter the Royal Rumble! My first EVER Royal Rumble! And you wanna know why I didn't enter the Rumble last year, Hunter? I think you know. Because I was too busy pinning your ass to the mat - what do you think about that?" H spears him - eleven quick rights - WOW Kurt's got the pit stains going on that T-shirt - in the corner - kick, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, shirt off, clothesline, into the ropes, head down, Angle with a kick. Angle with a German suplex! Both men are down. Angle up first with a wooow! - but H is up as well - H with a chokeline and holding that choke. H with a pose - gutshot - Pedigree! Play Motorhead! H stands over Angle - and yawns out one more time. Back up the ramp...and one more tour of the stage - and one more pose at the top. War Zone credits are up - Triple H may be back, but THIS show is OVER.
AFTER THE FACT: HEY! Robert came through!! Big ups big ups to Mancini!
Finkel hits the ring for his Don't throw things, please speech, prompting the start of what turned out to be one 4-hour long What chant. Then, the dark matches:
Brock Lesnar pinned Rico Constantino
Randy Orton pinned Ron Waterman
The crowd then booed a plug for DDP's Tuesday appearance at WWF New York, and I cave to my urge for a soft pretzel. Then, the Metal/Jakked matches:
Christian pins Low Ki
Crash Holly pins Prince Nana
Hurricane pins Sho Funaki
Saturn pins Xavier
If I never hear the word What again, I'll die a happy man. My cries of Who? went unappreciated.