You know, A LOT of people spent today saying "oh MAN Hall Nash Hogan, it's
gonna SUCK now," but all *I* could think today was "Gee, Kurt Angle and
Kane had a great match during the 1.11.1 SmackDown! I'll bet they have a
pretty good match tonight, too." I guess it's all a matter of
perspective...or concerning yourself with today instead of tomorrow...or
hell I have no idea let's go already
QUICK QUOTE: WWF 13.35 (- .35, last year: 17 15/16, two years ago: 14 13/16)
TONIGHT: Can we milk one more show out of Triple H's return? By God, we're gonna try! Also: some other folks
TNG: "The Offspring" is a decent enough yarn, but it's a little too touchy-feely for my tastes - and believe me, that last thing you want is a touchy Feely! (ba dum bum)
TV-14-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
LAST WEEK: Austin and Angle had another boffo match...only to have the outcome left undecided when Kane came out (CC logo) and blew the match sky high with his hellfire and his brimstone. Before it was all said and done, the Big Show, Triple H, Undertaker, and Freddie Joe Floyd had all come out to make their presence known - well, except for Freddie Joe Floyd As Ross said, "OH MY GOD WHAT A ROYAL RUMBLE"
IT'S COMIN' RIGHT AT ME - we're off any away with another episode of WWF RAW! Coming atcha LIVE 14.1.2 from the American Airlines Arena in Dallas, TX (and WWF New York), this show is transmitido en espanol SAP on THE NEW TNN, as well as the crappy old TSN, and it's another full house (or a close approximation thereof) set to ROCK
...and THE MAN hits the ring to kick it off. Entire row of signs saying "W OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO" (give or take) is probably a LOCK for Cody Monk's column on Friday. Attendance is announced at 16,684 + 1 Monk. "Dallas WOOOO Texas! God, what a wrestling history you have here - woooo! God only knows that in 1984, when I got off that jet airplane, made my way to Texas Stadium to wrestle Kerry von Erich, THAT was wrestling history. But the Nature Boy - woooo! - is about to make history again. Because at the Royal Rumble Sunday night, I'm goin' to wrestle Vince McMahon. Now, I would be a liar if I wasn't to tell you that in recent weeks I have been humbled by the late (?) - by the *great* Vince McMahon. I actually have been brought to my knees and left in the middle of the ring by the great Vince McMahon. Yes, I've been humbled. But not so humbled that just in case you didn't see it, I can't see it being done again, so would you please show these people, if they've missed it, I'm sure they didn't, the first clip of Vince McMahon mocking me on RAW. (Let Us Take You Back One Week) You can only imagine how that makes me feel, knowing that he wore a robe out, mocking me, that I've worn defending the World Heavyweight Championship. Let's show the second clip of him hitting me with a steel pipe on RAW. (Let Us Take You Back - complete with post-production "ping" sound effect) I'm humbled - but not so humbled that I won't show yet one last clip of him talking about me on SmackDown! last week. ["I don't know if you're gonna think ill of me, but...I enjoy destroying lives. ... It turns me on. Especially an icon like Ric Flair."] Well I'm honoured that at least he called me an icon - but you all can only imagine what it's been like for me to walk around - heh - the face of this earth the last seven days, having to carry the burden of knowin' what he did to me. Well, it didn't turn me on, but wooo! it got the engines goin'! So, goin' back, yeah, that's right WOOOO! So getting back to Vince McMahon, and that abuse of power, and all that billions of dollars and ownership of this huge company, McMahon! Now I'm gonna take my power, and I'm gonna abuse it, I'm not gonna get too wound up yet - I'm going to abuse it by making our match at the Royal Rumble - (to cameraman) quit followin' me around! - a street fight! No rules! No countouts, no disqualifications, nothing stops that match! We are going to, as they used to say in (?) we're gonna fill our boots - we're gonna bleed, we're gonna sweat, and we're gonna pay the price - until one of us walks out a winner - guaranteed - you're payin' for it, you're gonna see a winner. One last thing that really has gotten under my skin - McMahon, you - (removes jacket) you said last week 'to be the man (struts) God, you have to beat the man' - WELL YOU'RE RIGHT! And now (off the ropes - elbowdrops mic) - WOOOO! - (off the ropes, kneedrop - off the ropes) - at the Royal Rumble - NOW! NOW, McMAHON! NOW! Why wait? You got grapefruits the size of Dallas - why wait? Come on - come on - come on! (Lies down and stamps) McMahon, why wait for the Rumble? Let's do it - NOW! McMahon--" Umm, that ain't the Y2McMahon Countdown...and that ain't Mr. McMahon - it's MR. JERICHO, and dig those CRAAAAAAAAZY checkerboard pants! Jericho swipes Flair's mic and circles the co-owner - call me funny, but I have a sneaky suspicion Jericho has something to say to Flair - and us! "Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa - did I disappoint you, Ric Flair? Did I disappoint you? Were you expecting SOMEBODY ELSE? Why wouldn't you be expecting somebody else, Flair? There used to be a time in this company when it revolved around one man and one man only, and that man sure as hell wasn't the owner - it was... the champion. And guess what, jackoffs! I - AM - THE CHAMPION. And you know what that means? That means that the entire World Wrestling Federation revolves around me. That means the entire WORLD revolves around ME. And let's be honest, Flair, and most importantly of all, your life revolves around me, doesn't it? Eh? I mean, why else are you facing Mr. McMahon at the Royal Rumble? I know why - it's because you wanna prove you still got what it takes. You wanna prove you still got the goods to be the champion. Well, speaking as the champion, AS THE UNDISPUTED CHAMPION OF THE WORLD...and speaking as the man, who on Sunday at the Royal Rumble is going to be THEROCK for the unprecented, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, fifth time, junior! Speaking as that man, allow me to put it to you bluntly - Flair, you don't have what it takes. But guess what - it's quite honest that I have what it takes. I mean, look at me - I've got the class...I have got the STYLE! I have got the RAW charima...as a matter of fact, you can even call me the anti-Texan! Look, there's no stupid cowboy hat on my gorgeous head...there's no outdated cheesy cowboy boots on my gorgeoud feet! There AIN'T no CHAW in my CRAW! And I have never said "hoooooow-DEEEEEEE" in my entire life and thank God for that. *I* have absolutely nothing in common with Texas! But YOU do - as a matter of fact, you have something in common with the most powerful and influential Texan there is, the president himself, George W. Bush! And even though it's not cool to make fun of the president, nowadays, hell why not, he's not my leader! But you and Bush have something in common - that's right, you've both got a lotta power... ["ass hole!"] ...like I really give a DAMN what all you Texans think! You both have a lotta accolades, but on Sunday, Flair, at the Royal Rumble, you are going to do the exact same thing that George Bush did yesterday - on Sunday, YOU are going to CHOKE." Jericho drops the mic. Flair goes to walk away - Jericho tries to spin him back, but Flair pops Jericho with a right hand! In the corner, chop, chop, chop, Jericho rakes the eyes - HE chops him down! Another chop! Chop! Flair falls every time...but Flair equals it with an uppernut! Flair's trick knee acts up! Right hand! He wants the figure four - AND HE GETS IT!! Unfortunately, he's completely tied up with Jericho as BILLIONAIRE VINCE emerges from the back with his trusty lead pipe - and wallops Flair in the back of the head. "Well it looks like your beloved Mr. Flair look at him, he's unconscious in the middle of the ring! Just like he's gonna be at the Royal Rumble this Sunday. By the way, on behalf of the ownership of the World Wrestling Federation, I'd like to apologise to the Undisputed champion for Ric Flair putting his hands on you. Why don't you uh, help Mr. Flair up, just like he's gonna need some help after this match on Sunday - hey, Ric, I'm over here, can you hear me? Ric? Ric, you...huh, you got that ringing in your ears from the concussion? (slap) Huh? What is it, Ric? Huh? I'm over here, Ric. Ric, what are you seeing some stars? Seeing stars, Ric? Street fight, huh? Since it's a street fight, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I've been practicing my field gola kicking - I'm gonna put one right through the uprights, pally. Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do. Yeah. Uh huh. There's the snap, there's the kick - it's good!" No, Flair catches the kick and trips up McMahon...but Jericho quickly makes the save. Jericho holds up Flair as McMahon retakes the pipe....and there's a shot that had to break eight or nine ribs - or none at all. Play "No Chance in Hell!" Vince raises Jericho's arm, and vice versa, as Flair is left laying out in the middle of the ring.
Tazz shills Stacker 2
The WWF is LIVE! Tomorrow, Bossier City! Saturday, Chattanooga! Sunday, the Rumble is sold out in Atlanta! RAW is Greenville and Tuesday is N. Charleston!
In the locker room, Christian and Storm congratulate a still limping Jericho on his schooling of Flair. Storm asks Jericho how his leg is - Jericho brushes it off with an "I'm fine" that we're probably not supposed to believe. At THIS point, Bradshaw enters the frame to defend the good name and people of Texas, not to mention our fine president. Bradshaw challenges the three of them to a six-man on the spot. After he leaves, Christian says to a flabbergasted Jericho "Don't worry about him...he doesn't have any friends!"
During the Break, an anxious McMahon got into his limousine and had the driver make great haste
BUBBA RAY DUDLEY (with D-Von & Stacy Dudley) v. SPIKE DUDLEY (with Tazzzzzzzz) - Spike rushes the ring...that's NEVER a good idea - Bubba pounds him down, pound, right, left, right, into the opposite corner sternum first. Hairpull up and down. Into the ropes - press - hold - hold - hold - Bubba wants to toss him outside, but Spike shifts his weight into a press for 1. Spike back up with an elbow - climbing the corner - Ten Punch Count Along cut short at eight as Bubba shoves him off. Stomp. Here comes the fog! Scoop...and a slam. Up for a Vaderbomb - which misses, naturally. Bubba sure needs to stay off that second rope. Spike block, right, right, right, off the ropes with a clothesline, no effect. Off the ropes with a forearm, no effect. Off the ropes, D-Von trips him up. D-Von holds him for Bubba...but Spike slips the hold and Bubba ends up clocking D-Von with the forearm. Spike gutshot, Dudley 'dog attempt...thrown off. Stacy hits the apron as Bubba holds Spike for a headbutt to the graun, but Tazz interjects at this point, crotching D-Von on top. Bubba forearms Tazz off the apron, then turns back to take a gutshot from Spike - up on the shoulders, victory roll down - 1, 2, 3! (2:02) I have a hunch that we can pencil in Tazz/D-Von for Thursday...
Outside we go, where a new limousine is pulling up - it's Stephanie, and she's really unhappy at the "bell clerk" for muffing the directions. She also manages to say "bell clerk" about twelve times in fifteen seconds. Triple H exits the other door. "Would you calm down? Just relax. Take a walk or something. Calm down. I'm gonna kick someone's ass tonight, but it's certainly not gonna be a bell clerk's." So Stephanie bitches out the chauffeur for not getting her door, instead.
I GET LETTERS: Nick writes: Is it just me, or does Steph look more like China every time we see her?
Uhh...I ain't EVEN goin' THERE.
Squaresoft's Final Fantasy X brings you the WWF Slam of the Week! From Heat, Hurricane saves Tajiri from the evil clutches of Billy & Chuck
BILLY & CHUCK v. HURACAN & TAJIRI (with Mighty Molly & Torrie Samuda) - Well, sure enough the graphics folks have quickly removed the "Gunn Palumbo" from their entrance video. Here's Billy: "Well, I hope you're satisfied, Hurricane. Last night after Heat, me and Chuck were all set up to go on this double date with these two HOT chicks! But after what you did, we were so upset that we just had to cancel. What is your deal, anyway? If anyone around here has a physique to be a superhero, it's us! See, because even Superman can't touch this." Hurricane wants some mic time, too. "Holy tall tales, Tajiri! These two with hot chicks? Wassupwitdat? And the only superhero that you have anything in common with is the Human Torch - flame on!" Billy & Chuck ponder the broader social ramifications of what Hurricane's just said, and decide that they'd rather just take him from behind - PUNK THEM OUT from behind, and we're underway. Pier Four brawl to start - Tajiri tossed through the ropes, leaving Billy alone to work over Hurricane - kick, kick, right, into the opposite corner, hurriboot up by Hurricane - ducks the clothesline but ends up in the wrong corner, and Chuck gives him a hot hot shot. Billy helps him up - and drops him facial - facefirst. Into Chuck's foot fetish - err, boot. Tag. Billy holds him up for the open shot. Into the turnbuckle. Right. Kick, kick, kick, kick. Kick, kick, standing on the neck. Discus right. Stomp, leg is hooked for 2. Another cover gets 2. Rammed into Billy's boot, there's a tag back. Straight right hand. Into the ropes, head down, Hurricane manages a swinging hurriDDT and both men are down. Torrie and Molly pound the mat to encourage a rhythmic clap from the crowd - crowd ain't going for it, though. Chuck gets the tag as Hurricane crawls to HIS corner. Chuck holds him up - Hurricane manages a hurribackflip out of the death suplex attempt, hurrineckbreaker - and a HOT HURRITAG! Tajiri in - kick, kick, kick, kick, duck, kick caught, enzuigiri, free shot for Billy - whip, reversed, Tajiri trying the handspring elbow off the ropes but Chuck catches him in the full nelson instead - Billy in but Tajiri ducks the clothesline and Chuck takes it square in the face! Billy manages a right for Tajiri - but Hurricane's gonna fly - superhero splash on Billy! Right for Chuck - whipped into Tajiri's corner as he boosts himself up and over - and into the tarantula! Hurricane runs for Billy...but gets tossed off - OVER the ropes to the floor. Tajiri winding up for the kick, looks back and sees Billy, gives HIM a superkick first, then runs into a jungle kick from Chuck before he can deliver again. Chuck hooks the leg - 1, 2, 3! (2:57)
Back to the parking area...where Undertaker has just pulled up. He's not gonna ride it all the way out to the ring?
Another look at WWF New York, where you can pay your hard-earned money to watch the Royal Rumble on the big screen AND eat food!
Inside are SCOTTY 2 HOTTY & ALBERT 2 ...ALBERT. They're in the Rumble, we learn!
MICHAEL KING COLE stands at the cyclone fence with Kurt Angle. Cole says it sure looked like he was about to lose Thursday until Kane saved him... "'Saved?' What do you mean 'saved?' Just because I was Stunned? Give me a break. I had Stone Cold right where I wanted him, when Kane stuck his big red burned-off nose in my business. Who the hell do you think you are, Kane? You want to make a statement? What, you think you're going to win the Royal Rumble? Well I have a statement for you, Kane - you messed with the wrong guy. I said, you messed with the wrong guy. Don't make me tell you stupid rednecks again. You wanna mess with me, Kane? You wanna go toe to toe with me. To quote the popular singer Shakira, 'whenever wherever.' What, you people never heard of Shakira before? What, you're not hip like me? That's 'cause you're from Texas. Last year, Kane, you had a very impressive Royal Rumble. You nearly won the damn thing! But let me ask you this - you got one of these? I didn't think so. 'cause being a big red freak isn't an Olympic sport. So you wanna make an example outta me? Well tonight, Kane, I'm gonna make an example out of you. Remember the last time we wrestled, Kane? I made you tap. You were cryin' like a baby. Mommy, please make him stop, make him stop! Well, tonight, Kane...it's gonna be worse. I'm gonna break your ankle. And it's very difficult throwin' 29 other wrestlers over the top rope with a broken ankle. Oh, it's true. I said it's true - idiots."
Meanwhile, Stephanie and Debra have an enlightened debate over which of their husbands is going to win the Royal Rumble. Typical line: "MY husband is gonna kick YOUR husband's ...BUTT!" I'd be remiss if I failed to mention Stephanie's requisite "blondes ARE dumb" comment, but I don't mind being remiss too much with these Stephanie segments. Anyway, the best part of this give and take is watching Dave Hebner, Harvey Wippleman, Steve Lombardi and Jack Doan just WATCH this going on, mouths agape. Eventually this devolves to the standard below-average catfight. FINALLY some people think to stand between the two and get them separated. Surprise denouement sees an angry Debra slap Wippleman RIGHT on the temple.
TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL joins our commentary team as We Take You Back to Moments Ago - Debra's slap of Stephanie is a hell of a lot better than Stephanie's slap of Debra, I have decided. We're spared a replay of the BRUTAL shot on Harvey.
JACQUELINE v. JAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ in a #1 Contender's match - I believe it's a contractual obligation that every time the WWF is in Dallas, Jackie gets a match, and the ring announcer has to say "DALLAS, TEXAS!" REALLY loud. Jazz shoves her in the corner, knee, knee, knee - Jackie fires back - right, right, right, chop, Jazz gutshot, Jackie ducks the clothesline and hits a heel kick for 2. Jazz rakes the face - scoop and a slam - big legdrop - 1, 2, no. Double underhook - butterfly suplex by Jazz. Off the ropes, big splash MISSES. Jackie kick, kick, right, right, into the ropes, flapjack. Off the ropes, clothesline, off the ropes, Jazz kicks the leg out from under her, tripping her up. Knee that Jackie didn't see, gutshot that she DID see, fishermanbuster, 1, 2, 3. (1:13) Jazz immediately exits the ring and gives Trish a free shot. Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda makes the delayed separation for Jazz as Lawler gets himself a free grab of Trish.
Kane is WALKING!
Trish Stratus shills Stacker 2
M&M's brings you the WWF Rewind! From SmackDown!, Kane ruins a perfectly great match for no apparent reason - I mean, "to announce that he's in the Royal Rumble"
KURT ANGLE (with RAW Credits, transmitido en espanol SAP, TV-14-DLV and CC boxes) v. KANE - Staredown to start - Angle going tippytoes for effect. Right hand by Angle - nothing. Right - no. Angle starts to show fear - right hand - no. Kane rares back, Angle ducks the shot and grabs the waistlock - THAT'S not gonna work, either, and Kane rares back with an elbow that takes Kane all the way to the outside. Angle manages to pull Kane out, but he blocks the shot - uppercut, right, press...and drop on the barricade. Referee "Blind" Charles Robinson is up to 5 as Kane rolls Angle back in - Angle takes control - stomp, stomp, stomp, NICE dropkick to the head. Unfortunately, Angle runs into a powerslam. Shot into the corner, Kane with a clothesline. Shoulder to the gut - shoulder - big-time fog - and Kane throws him back to the mat. Forearm in the back. Scoop...and a slam. Into the opposite corner, Angle pops up with an elbow...but runs into a double choke...and Kane throws him down. Off the ropes, elbowdrop MISSES. Kane's boot flies open - oh, wait he fixed it, whew. Angle barrels Kane into the corner, fireman's carry out - overhand right, right, right, right, Kane back to his feet, Angle right, right, right, chop...no sale! Chop - no sale! Chop..is CAUGHT by Kane...and pulled into a short clothesline. Angle pops up and falls into another clothesline. Into the ropes, back body drop. Kane's boot is loose again. Whip into the corner, scooped up for a sidewalk slam out. Kane fixes his boot AGAIN and goes outside - climbing to the top...but before he can leap off with the flying clothesline, Angle runs to the corner, nearly slips on the second rope but STILL manages to pull Kane off of the corner and thrown back into the centre! Angle slow to get up, but still manages a clothesline. Angle back in control - stomp, stomp, Final Fantasy X replay of the toss. Right, right, right, right, right, blatant choke, stomp, stomp, grabs the ankle...but Kane rolls over and kicks Angle away! Angle tries to grab the ankle again - but Kane responds with an enzuigiri! Final Fantasy X replay again - FIX YOUR BOOT KANE - ohh - right hand, right, into the ropes, big boot. Into the corner, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, Kane doesn't WANT to listen to Robinson! Out of the corner, into the opposite corner, scooped up...weird powerslam variant. Kane's back on the apron, and climbing up...this time when Angle runs to the corner, Kane punches him away - waits for him to get back to his feet and DOES hit the flying clothesline! KANE FIX YOUR BOOT - thumb crosses throat and Kane thinks the end is near - scooped up...but Angle is back to his feet. Angle grabs the waistlock - Kane back elbow, back elbow, back elbow to break the hold. Signalling for the choke - GOT HIM in the choke - but Angle drops down and manufactures an armdrag takeover - then hits the ANGLELOCK!! Kane is feeling it - does he gut it out, or tap and go into Royal Rumble without a broken leg? Kane manages to grab the bottom rope - but Angle pulls him back again! Kane actually screams - as the crowd chants "Kane!" Again, the slow crawl to the rope succeeds - and this time, Robinson forces a break. Angle waits for Kane to try to get back up...or fix his boot. Gutshot by Angle - OLYMPIC SLAM!!! Leg is hooked - 1, 2, NO!!!!!!!!! Angle is LIVID. Angle, frothing at the mouth like he's got rabies, is really giving Robinson what for - but stops short as Kane hits the zombie situp! Angle runs in...but finds himself caught in the choke! In desperation, Angle pulls Robinson in front of him - but all that does is force Kane to unleash a DOUBLE CHOKESLAM with one arm!! Give THAT a Final Fantasy X replay - Robinson's back landing square on Angle's chest in a supersenton. Kane adjusts his glove - and it's KANE with an anklelock on Angle! Of course, Angle quickly taps...but with no referee to notice, it's a meaningless tapout. Kane tugs on Robinson - no movement. Another uppercut for Angle. Kane goes back to the anklelock...Robinson stirs, but Angle manages to grab Kane's ankle, roll the pile backwards, hook the leg with one arm and the ropes with the other - and get the 1, 2, 3!! Angle wins! (9:40) Angle quickly gets outta Dodge.
In their dressing room, Stephanie complains about Debra while Triple H acts like a beleaguered husband...until finally cutting her off with "Enough! Okay, enough! I don't need these distractions." Stephanie adds that oh by the way, Debra said Austin would kick his ass at the Rumble. "Oh really? Well...let's put it this way. I've kicked Austin's ass before, and as far as the Rumble goes, if Stone Cold Steve Austin wants to get in my way, I will have NO problem doing it again."
Question: If Tiki Barber's anti-drug is football, is he gonna start shooting up 'cause the Giants aren't in the playoffs?
Take a look at the beautiful exterior of the AAA!
Take a look at TONY DORSETT sitting ringside!
In the APA offices, Bradshaw asks Faarooq who their third man should be. Coincidentally, Big Show hits the office and asks about "APA For a Day." As he palms a beer, and JUST before Faarooq can ask him if he'd be free for a six-man, Booker T happens by and asks for directions to the trainer's room. The APA get on his case for "walking through their back door," and something's said about "you don't need a trainer, you need a barber," while Show gets off a line about "instead of kicking ass, you were LICKING ass - Rikishi's that is" and then Faarooq's all "tell me he didn't just say that" and next thing you know Booker is threatening Show, THEY make a match, "like neckbone" is said and wouldn't you know it...the APA are STILL without a partner. Too bad, too - wouldn't Booker T make a good "proud Texan" as well? Well now Bradshaw has an idea for a partner...he says "Hell yeah" before they do the Wonder Twins ring touch...
KING EDGE (with Rob Zombie CD cover) and POINTS TO SELF (with the Royal Rumble is presented by Squaresoft's "Final Fantasy X!") v. KISS ASSMAN & THE NARCISSIteST - Edge asks referee "Blind" Nick Patrick to pat down Regal, so he leaves the ring to search him. While everyone's watching this, Test enters through the crowd and starts clubbering from behind, putting Edge out - right on van Dam, right, right, right, right, right. Into the corner, van Dam up and over, backflip, side kick...is CAUGHT - meanwhile, Regal has found his brass knuckles under the ring apron - van Dam flips out, off the ropes with a heel kick for 2. Kick, forearm, into the ropes, van Dam clocks Regal on his way back to Test - stepover heel kick is DUCKED - Test with Uncle Slam. To his knees, right, right, right, right, right. Tag to Regal as we take a Final Fantasy X replay of Test's sneak attack. Meanwhile, Edge is finally up on the apron. Stomp by Regal, kick to the head, European uppercut, forearm, forearm, forearm, double kneelift, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Snapmares him over - shin across the neck and knee pinning the arm as he tags in Test. Stomp by Test. Head to the turnbuckle, right, back elbow, standing on the neck for 4. Into the opposite corner, follow clothseline, back to the first corner, follow clothesline, leg is hooked, 1, 2, no. Test to the headlock. "RVD" chant brings van Dam to his feet - elbow, elbow, elbow breaks it, right, right, knee by Test stops the offense. Suplex coming up - but van Dam lands on his feet! van Dam ducks a clothesline, Test ducks a heel kick, but not the followthrough heel kick! Both men are down. Tag to Regal, HOT TAG to Edge! Back body drop by Edge, clothesline, clothesline, Test runs in - but into the half nelson facebuster. Edgomatic for Regal gets 2 but Test saves - Test with a BIG clothesline as Regal fixes his fist. van Dam with a missile dropkick on Test, taking him out. Regal with a brass knux left that takes VAN DAM out. Edge hits the SPEAR but Test is back in - Edge ducks the Wotistolla Boot, gutshot and Edgecution on Test...but as Patrick puts Test back in his corner, Regal hits *Edge* with a brass knuckles left - no problems on the cover - 1, 2, 3. (4:13) Regal waves to the crowd. Good replay of Regal affixing the brass knuckles...and taking out both men with his deadly left.
Royal Rumble ad hypes the championship match - only SIX days away!!
Back in the locker room, Christian thinks Bradshaw is up to something, but Jericho isn't buying it. Meanwhile, Storm spies something of interest on a nearby monitor - the APA coming to an agreement with....Rikishi. Well THAT'S not where I thought they were going...
BOOKER T (with Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) v. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW - T gets to work loosening a turnbuckle cover, and SOMEHOW referee "Blind" Teddy Long isn't paying any attention to him. T tries to get the jump on Show early - forearm, right, forearm, forearm, gutshot - no effect - T ducks Show's clothesline...off the ropes, Show catches T and well it's the big powerslam. Into the corner, well it's a big slap on the chest. Overhand fist is ducked by T - superkick finds the mark. Gutshot, right, right, right, into the ropes - no - gutshot - Show reverses the whip into well it's the big sidewalk slam. T put into the ropes, Show wants the chokeslam but T holds on. Show runs at T, who lowers the bridge and lets him go outside (if this were the Royal Rumble, he'd be eliminated!) T follows - pounding away on his back and having little effect - kick, kick, to the post - blocked - Show with a shot and SHOW runs T into the post. Back in the ring we go as Long is up to 5. Show advances on T - into the ropes, T ducks, T with a chop block. Show on a knee - T with the axe kick - 1, 2, kicked out WITH AUTHORITY. Show with clubbing forearms to the back, right, off the ropes...but Show counters with a flapjack. Well it's the big clothesline. Well it's the big clothesline. T sent into the corner - T to the opposite corner, Show with the avalanche. Whip out, reversed back, T gets the boot up on the next splash attempt - then counters the NEXT attempt with a drop toehold - right into the exposed bolt! Show is OUT - 1, 2, 3. (2:40) T celebrates with a little breakdancing. Ross never puts two and two together and lets the audience in on the turnbuckle cover shenanigans storyline - how Schiavonesque of him. Good thing you and I saw it!
LOOK! It's an exciting DOOR! Come back after this, and you just *might* hear Stone Cold Steve Austin say....
Okay, if the WWF is doing so great with the ad revenue, how come I've had to see three commercials for THE NEW TNN's "The Conspiracy Zone" during this ad break? HAH? WHAT ABOUT THAT, SMART GUY?
WWF.com will do the streaming thing Sunday! DirecTV subscribers, you're SCREWED ONCE AGAIN!
Cole stands with Austin. Time to make the donuts. Cole wants his comments on Triple H's-- "What?" "I was hoping to get your comments--" "What?" "I was hoping to get your comments on what Triple H said--" "What? You want my comments? You want my comments on what Triple H said? What? Is that what you're asking me? What? Speak up, hold the microphone so I can talk! Me and Triple H have differing opinions. I said we don't agree. I don't agree with Triple H. You got time for me to tell you a story? I'm gonna tell you a story right now. A story about a man named Stone Cold Steve Austin...who rolled into Dallas, Texas last night. And when I rolled into Dallas, Texas, I was real thirsty. So I went to a bar. And started drinkin' beer. And more beer. And more beer. Then I started throwin' darts. Playin' pool. Drinkin' beer. Then I got on one of those mechanical bulls. I rode that bull frontways, sideways, backwards, frontways, two-handed, one-handed, no-handed, finally had to shut that sumbitch down 'cause I wore it out. Then I started drinkin' more beer. Then I started a fight. And the whole bar started fightin'. I whipped everybody's ass. I threw 'em all out the door. Every single one, right out the door. Finally, the bartender said 'Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold!' And I said 'What?' He goes 'Why you throwin' everybody out the damn bar?' I says 'You dumb son of a bitch, I'm gettin' ready for the Royal Rumble! I said, I'm gettin' ready for the Royal Rumble!' And the bartender looked at me and he said 'Stone Cold,' and I said 'What?' He said 'I heard Triple H is coming back to win the Royal Rumble.' I drank some of that beer, I put that beer down, I looked at that bartender right in the eye, and I said 'What?' He said 'I heard Triple H is comin' back to win the Royal Rumble,' and I said 'EH EH!' Triple H has gonna do a lot of things in his life and he made a big comback. He looks great - phenomenal - he's the Game - he's That Damn Good - the bottom line is he can do all the bench presses, shoulder presses, lat pulldowns, barbell curls, tricep extensions, SQUATS, deadlifts, bentover rows, situps, crunches, leg lifts, he can do all that, but the one thing he'll never do is throw Stone Cold Steve Austin over the top rope; that just won't happen. I looked at that bartender and I said 'As a matter of fact, I'm workin' on my strategy right now.' That's what he said, he said 'What?' I said 'I'm workin' on my strategy right now.' I looked down at my waist, I said 'Do you see that?' He said 'What?' I said 'Do you see that?' That's what he said, he said 'What?' I said 'That's a beer belly - a beer belly - a beer belly - by lowering my center of gravity, it makes it hard for a man to throw me over the top rope. That's Stone Cold Steve Austin's strategy.' You understand what I'm talkin' about? So I looked at that bartender and I said 'I ain't gonna mess with your mechanical bull no more, you can let everybody back in, 'cause I'm gonna drink every single beer you got to work on this beer belly.' He said 'What?' Beer belly - what? - beer belly - what? - and while I'm working on this beer belly, when I drink all your beer, I'm goin' down to what what what what what what Whattaburger, and I'm gonna get a Whattaburger with cheese, a Whattaburger without cheese, a Whattaburger with double cheese, a french fries, some more french fries, a (huh?) one o' them fresh catch fish sandwiches, another Whattaburger with double cheese, and I'm gonna roll into that Royal Rumble a pissed off sumbitch, because Triple H, you said you'd kick my ass once, you said you'd kick my ass once, so you think you can do it again? That's what I said, I said 'What? EH EH!' And if you got a problem with that I can say that to your face, I can say that to your side, I can say that to your back, I can say that to your other side, or I can say that right to your face, because the bottom line is, Stone Cold Steve Austin is goin' to the Royal Rumble to win, to go to WrestleMania, and that's the bottom line WHAT? because Stone Cold said so."
UP NEXT: Six men - one match!
Check out Kid Rock's CD cover - available now with every purchase of Kid Rock's CD
Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight, where Flair gave Jericho the figure four...up until Vince McMahon arrived with his friend the pipe. Is it just me, or does it look like Vince had to hit him twice for Flair to figure out he was getting hit? Then Vince made some noise - and hit him one more time.
The graphic don't lie - Mr. McMahon takes on Ric Flair in a Street Fight at the Royal Rumble! Lawler says Flair's an idiot - if he's the greatest wrestler of our age, why on earth book it as a street fight? Ross says Flair's got some plans for exploiting that lack of rules...
MR. JERICHO & CHRISTIAN & LANCE STORM (with RAW is brought to you by Uncle Ben's Mini-Bowls, Final Fantasy X, and Burger King!) v. A.P.A. & RIKASHMONEY - Jeezum crow, another Triple H interview as main event? Jericho counters the argument of the guy in the front row with the "JERICHO IS A JOBBER" sign by pointing to both of his title belts. Game, set and match. When was the last time you ever saw both teams in a six-man come out with one shared entrance apiece? (No politics implied - that's for other recappers to do...) Hey, Rikishi's putting the A back in APA (rimshot)! Pier Six Brawl to start, let's see who gets thrown out of the ring - out goes Christian, out goes Storm - well that was neat. Jericho is left with Rikishi - into the ropes, they blow the spot, but Rikishi hits a back elbow on his way back. Right, Jericho put into the ropes, blind tag, Samoan Drop by Rikishi, Storm ...eats a back elbow. Fat ass splash on Jericho, flump, but Christian pulls him out of the ring before 'kishi's even done raising the roof. Storm with a superkick when 'kishi turns back - mount and rights aplenty. Tag to Jericho - doubleteam on Rikishi - right by Jericho, chop, chop, slap, into the ropes is reversed - and Jericho is pulled into a BELLY-to-belly! Both men are down - tag to Bradshaw, tag to Storm - shoulderblock by Bradshaw, into the ropes, big boot, into the ropes, shoulderblock, Christian comes in, duck, crossbody caught (ugh) - Jericho comes in and gets a big boot because you cannot stop the power of the Contractually Obligated Fallaway Slam - Chop by Bradshaw, forearm in the back, but Storm flies in off the top with a clothesline - which Jericho follows through into a rollup - 1, 2, Bradshaw barely kicks out. Jerich with a dropkick. Tag to Christian - tripleteam in the corner - referee "Blind" Tim White finally breaks it up, but Christian keeps punching. I think that was six - make it seven - blatant choke in the adjacent corner, right, whip into the opposite corner is reversed, but Christian gets the elbow up - second rope - but Bradshaw catches him and converts into a powerslam! Tag to Jericho, tag to Faarooq! Clothesline by Faarooq - Jericho ducks the next one but Faarooq hits the spinebuster as he comes off the ropes. Christian in - *Christian* gets a spinebuster. *Storm* in - gutshot by Faarooq - Dominator coming up - no, Storm back to his feet, shoves Faarooq away, unfortunately right into Jericho, who falls off the apron to the floor, but not before giving Faarooq a hot shot on the top rope...Rikishi in with a RIKISHIKICK for Storm, but Christian is in to give HIM a Viscera kick! DAMN a lot's happening, Bradshaw in with the Hades lariat on Christian, putting HIM out! JERICHO with a missile dropkick on Bradshaw! Jericho runs into a Faarooq powerslam, but unfortunately White is trying to put Storm outside and completely missing the pinfall attempt. Faarooq finally relents to try to get White's attention...right hand for Storm, but he's allowed Jericho back up - Jericho with the BREAKDOWN on Faarooq - leg is hooked - 1, 2, 3. (3:19) 'tappears that Ross still hasn't learned the name of Jericho's finisher, alas.
From a "you are there," EXTREME CLOSEUP of Stephanie's cleavage, we pull out to see Triple H pacing. "Hey, I'm outta here...all right?" "Where you goin'?" "Goin' to the ring." "All right!" "No...I'm goin' alone." He leaves Stephanie alone in the "please - PLEASE LOOK AT MY BREASTS" pose.
Final Fantasy X brings you the Royal Rumble Replay! From 1995, Shawn Michaels gets eliminated by the British Bulldog...no, wait, he doesn't
THE NEW MAN comes out...well hell, whatever happened to the Undertaker anyway? Maybe HE'LL come out, too. And then they can HUG. Hey, have you noticed that ever since Triple H has come back, Tajiri hasn't been able to use his red and green mist? That's 'cause it's too much like H's *clear mist*. AH, POLITICS. Well, we're now three minutes into this segment and nothing's happened. I mean, I like the guy as much as the next guy, but ON WITH IT ALREADY. Okay, we might hear from the Iron Cross now. "Last Monday night, I walked down that right - last Monday night, after eight months, after everything I went through, after everybody said I couldn't come back, I walked down that ramp and I got in this ring. And as Jim Ross said, twenty-two thousand fans at Madison Square Garden stood on their feet as one, and whether they loved me or they hated me, they all roared to show their respect for The Game. (Surprisingly loud voice in the crowd: "YOU SUCK!!") But JR, what you also said was that they roared for a comeback that was complete. You couldn't have been any more wrong. See, because if you think that was it - if you think that I spent eight months of my life going through hell, living like a hermit, ten hours a day in a gym, busting my ass, doing what doctors told me could not be done, so that I could come back and stand in this ring, one time, just so that I could be one of 'the boys,' you were wrong. If you thought that I did all that to come back so that I could stand here and just be another face in the crowd, just be another WWF superstar, you were dead wrong. I went through all of that - I went through it all - every second, every hour, every day, every week, every month, for one reason - that was to come back here, to be the best. This Sunday at the Royal Rumble, thirty men will compete for the honour to go to WrestleMania, for the opportunity to win the one thing that separates everybody. To win the one thing that says that beyond the shadow of a doubt, you are the best that there is, that you have no equal - the winner of the Royal Rumble goes to WrestleMania to compete for the Undisputed championship of the World Wrestling Federation. And this Sunday, I will win the Royal Rumble. And it's not gonna matter who you are...it's not gonna matter what your name is...I don't care if your name is Stone Cold Steve Austin - now, that might sound a little bit cocky, but like the song says...'it ain't braggin' if you can back it up,' and I can back up every single word I say! Because I am The Game...and I am That Damn Good." Cue the breaking of glass and here comes STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN - man, he ALREADY monopolized my typing time, I gotta do it again? Maybe he'll just get to clubberin' and avoid the speakin'. One corner for Austin, two corners for Austin, not really paying attention - so Triple H stands in his way between he and the third corner. Austin steps aside - Triple H stays with him. Austin tries the other side - nope. Austin with hands on hips. Staredown. Austin turns back - then rares forward as Triple H does - simultaneous right hands! Austin, H, Austin, H, Austin, H, Austin, Austin, Austin, Austin, Austin, Austin, H, H, H, H, Austin ducks, KICK WHAM H shoves him off - Pedigree attempt NO back body drop by Austin! And *there's* AWESOMETAKER on the floor - WHACK with a chairshot into Triple H's back! H slumps right into KICK WHAM STUNNER but Austin doesn't see Taker advancing on him - WHACK in the head! Taker stands over two bodies and surveys his damage. Play "Rollin'!" Hey, is he still a heel? Raw Zone credits are up - and weeeee ouuuut
Hey, no The Rock tonight.