LINK OF THE
A very special greeting from a very special WWF
(ex)superstar! Click on http://wwfgreetings.com/view.pd?i=255870181&m=5319&rr=y&source=wwf999
while you still can!
I GET LETTERS: Ian Carandang writes: You'd think with practically ALL of his defeats coming from being kicked in the balls, the Big Show would start wearing a cup by now. Just thinking out loud, is all....
TONIGHT: There was a pay per view! A rumble! Who won what? Just in case you don't know, they WON'T tell you until you throw away your remote and stick around for WWF RAW!
TNG: "Hollow Pursuits" - ha ha, get it? HOLLOW? HOLO(deck)? Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha! Ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ugh. Anyway, doesn't it sure seem like in the future, there'd be a whole heck of a lot more people addicted to the holodeck like Barclay than they're letting on? Oh, by the way, a previous obvious statement of the year is "Golly, you know that Dwight Schultz sure is a terrific actor." Anyway, this episode is....okay!
QUICK QUOTE: WWF 13.73 (+ .38 - last year: 19 1/16, two years ago: 14 13/16)
"Today, here in the United States, we celebrate the life of an extraordinary man who had a dream - a dream of unity...a dream of peace. Long live the dream."
One World Leader Attitude - TV-14-DLV - CC - WWF!
Yesterday's PPV opening opens the show...with the final elimination from the Rumble tacked onto the end - for those of you who DIDN'T see the show, that's Triple H taking out Kurt Angle
HEY PYRO! Coming atcha LIVE from the BI-LO Center in Greenville, SC 21.1.2 and transmitido en espanol SAP on THE NEW TNN (and probably TSN) - hey also there's some people in WWF New York, go figure - I've said it before and I'll say it again: BI-LO is A Great Place To Shop
TONIGHT: The random tag team dartboard hasn't been put away yet - and it says tonight we got The Rock & Triple H teaming up to take on Chris Jericho & Kurt Angle!
POINTS TO SELF and TAZZZZZZZZZZZZ & SPIKE DUDLEY v. BOOKER T and DUDLEY BOYZ (with Stacy Dudley) - Commentators waste no time building a quick feud between Booker and Rob van Dam based on T eliminating van Dam from the Rumble last night. I already hear the more cynical among you grousing "oh look, they're side draining the 'non-WWF' people into feuds with each other, ensuring they stay far, far down in the midcard!" to which I respond "Shhhhhhh." Cypress Hill for Tazz, you may have heard. He be down with B-Real FUH real an' all dat, yo. No Way Out onsale in Milwaukee Saturday! Stacy will be there! I will not! TO THE MATCH! van Dam starts for his team, leading to T being rather vociferous about making sure HE starts for HIS team. Let the feud commence! Shove from T - elbow from van Dam, elbow from T, van Dam, T, van Dam, T, van Dam, van Dam, van Dam, knee by T. Into the ropes, van Dam ducks, but eats the back elbow. Stomp by T, stomp, stomp. Picked up, kick in the chest, kick, arm wringer into the back kick - which is ducked by van Dam, and HE hits a heel kick of his own. Stomp, elbow, elbow, into the ropes, reversal, side kick ducked, dropkick by van Dam, backflip press gets 2. Tag to Tazz - held up for the clothesline. Tazz right, right, into the ropes is reversed, D-Von from behind, so Tazz pops HIM, back elbow for T, turns back AGAIN and Bubba Ray beats him to it with a hot shot, and T flattens him with a clothesline. Tag to D-Von - stomp, stomp, stomp. Picks him up - into the ropes, jumpin' back elbow. "Who's the man?" Head to Bubba's boot...and a tag. Bubba in - forearm to the stomach, forearm, forearm, T holding him the whole time, much to the consternation of referee "Blind" Mike Chioda. Suplex. Free shot for Spike which takes him off the apron and into the commentary table. Neckbreaker for Tazz. Old school elbowdrop, elbowdrop, "this is for you" to van Dam as Bubba hits the axehandle - 1, 2, Tazz kicks out. Tazz tries to fire back, but Bubba lands a knee, tags T, right, left, T takes over - kick to double him over, off the ropes with the axe kick. Crowd gets loud as T examines his glove...but, seeing all three people in his corner telling him no, tags out to D-Von before completing the breakdance. Wow, somebody's got a brain over there! D-Von puts him in the corner, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, and maybe one more or less right in there. Snapmares him over, elbow, legdrop off the ropes. 1, 2, no. Kick, through the ropes. Bubba Ray whips Tazz into the steps while van Dam and Spike occupy Chioda's attention. Tazz rolled back into D-Von - into the ropes, reversal by Tazz - into a head-and-arm Tazzplex! And now both men are down. Spike leads some clapping - tag to Bubba, HOT TAG TO VAN DAM! Duck, elbow, elbow, whip is reversed, but van Dam hits the Viscera kick off the ropes. Bubba ducks a heel kick, but van Dam drops down with a leg sweep. Elbow, into the corner is reversed, van Dam up and over on the charge, superfluous forward roll, leaping off the second rope in the corner with a crossbody for 2. D-Von too late to make the save - van Dam catches the kick for the stepover heel kick for HIM! van Dam decides he'd better give T a free shot before HE comes in. Bubba Ray gets a superkick - van Dam running the ropes, running the ropes again, a third time off the ropes, forward somersault senton MISSES (go figure). D-Von in to help on a double neckbreaker - Bubba hooks the leg - 1, 2, Spike saves! OH MY GOD I THINK VAN DAM PISSED HIS PANTS AGAIN. Well, it's ALL breaking down now - all six men in and Katie needs to bar the door 'cause it's on. T shoves van Dam off the top before he can do anything, and he ends up nearly killing a photographer out on the floor. CUE TRAINWRECK! Spike gets a big spinebuster from T - Tazz T-bone Tazzplex on T - 3D on Tazz - van Dam off the top with a Fivestar on Bubba while Spike wraps up D-Von to prevent the save - 1, 2, 3! (5:59) Replay of the 3D and Fivestar.
The door says "Chris Jericho, WWF Undisputed Champion" - and that means we hear from him NEXT!
It doesn't say "wrestling" on the marquee, it says "WWF RAW TONIGHT" and that means that the BI-LO Center is a Great Place To Establish An Exterior Shot
The Y2J countdown means they're not lying - MR. JERICHO is out to not only address the booing crowd, but to proudly display his Playboy logo shirt and checkerboard pants. Oh, and the fact that he's still carrying two championship belts. "Oh - oh! Well well well well! It's twenty-four hours after the Royal Rumble and GUESS who is still the Undisputed Champion of the World - ME! Yeah, and I tried to warn all of you - I tried to tell you I was not a joke. I tried to tell you to take me seriously, but what did you do, huh? What did you do? On Sunday, you invited all your little friends over to watch the Royal Rumble, you called up Frank and said, 'hey Frank, you wanna come watch the Rock kick Chris Jericho's ass?' And Frank said, Frank said 'oh sure, I wanna see the Rock win the Undisputed Championship and go all the way to WrestleMania.' I mean, it's a foregone conclusion, right? The Rock is gonna win! The Rock is gonna win! The Rock is going to win, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU believed in your hearts that the Rock was going to win but GUESS WHAT HAPPENED. The Rock - The Rock - The Rock...LOST. CHRIS JERICHO - WON. And even if you don't like it, you have to appreciate and acknowledge all that I've accomplished, because everything that I've done is far too gigantic to be ignored! I have done what no other man has ever done - I have beaten every WWF superstar there is to beat, and I have earned the right to be called the Undisputed Champion, dammit! But there is good news. And the good news is, I am a very forgiving man. And even though none of you - NONE OF YOU ever gave me a chance, ever...I'm gonna give all of you a chance to make it up to me. I am gonna give you the chance to get up off your little chairs, and to clap your filthy hands together for the man who has beaten 'em all! I am going to ask, no, I am going to DEMAND that you give the Undisputed Champion the standing ovation that he so greatly and rightly deserves, RIGHT NOW!" The crowd fails to react...well, that is, until the distinctive sound of Motorhead heralds the arrival of THE NEW MAN and *his* wacky fashion choices. H hits the ring and...applauds? "Isn't it funny, Chris Jericho, that after all you've accomplished, after all your great deeds, that I am the only one out here applauding you? I guess you can't blame anybody, I mean, after the load of crap you stand out here and dish out, how can you blame people? 'I have beaten everybody that there is to beat, I have defeated all the WWF superstars...' That's a lie, isn't it, Chris Jericho - it's a blatant lie, because the fact is, you have not beaten everyone. The fact is, there is one man that you have NEVER defeated. And the fact is, Chris Jericho, that one man...is me. Now there's one thing that is for sure - there is one guaranteed thing that will happen. After last night, after I defeated 29 other men at the Royal Rumble, there is one thing that is guaranteed, and that is the fact that I will stand in this very ring at the greatest spectacle of them all at Wrestle Mania, and I will compete for the Undisputed World Wrestling Federation Championship. But the big question is, Chris Jericho, the one thing that everybody wants to know is: will you be there? Can you make it to WrestleMania the Undisputed Champion? I see it like this, Chris Jericho: you have two months. Two months to prove to the world that this...this is not a fluke. That you are not a joke. That you are the man, that you deserve to have everything that you have. You have two months to prove to the world that you are a living legend, two months to prove to the world that you are larger than life, but Chris Jericho, you have only got two months, because in two months' time, it will be WrestleMania. And if you make it to WrestleMania as the Undisputed World Wrestling Federation Champion, unfortunately for you, at WrestleMania, for you...it will be time...to play...The Game." Before we doze off, KURT ANGLE emerges from the ramp - it looks like the "You Suck" chant in time with "Medal" has finally caught on. "Triple H, how the hell do you live with yourself? Last night at the Royal Rumble, I threw you over the top rope and onto the floor. Now, apparently you were able to keep your feet from touching the floor and you got back into the ring. Fine - I can accept that. But what'd you do once you got back in the ring - you attacked me from behind? You didn't even give me one weird of warning! Instead, you did that weird...thing. If you had any sense of fairness whatsoever, you woulda confronted me, you would have faced me man to man, you woulda looked me in the eye...and you would have allowed the better man to win. But that's not your style, is it, Hunter? Well it is MY style...which is why I'm not gonna wait 'til later on tonight to kick your butt...I'm doin' it right now." As Angle makes his way down to ringside, Jericho tries to get a free shot, but H punches him, clotheslines Angle, gutshot for Angle, but before he can hit the Pedigree, clocks him with a belt. Doubleteam is on - Olympic Slam by Angle! Crowd's chant of "Rock E" goes unheeded....well, until the Walls of Jericho are on - NOW hit the music and THE ROCK is out. Punches in bunches on Angle...and clotheslining him out. Jericho's already made his way out of the ring. Play his music again! Anyway, here are the four guys in the big tag match to come. Let's take a break.
And now, Burger King presents the WWF Slam of the Week! From the Royal Rumble, William Regal uses the Power of the Punch to win the intercontinental championship from Edge
WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: KING EDGE (with RAW is brought to you by Slackers, truth, and Final Fantasy X!) v. WILLIAM REGAL in a return match - Ross says Edge had a clause in his contract and asked for his rematch tonight, so there you go. The camera spies referee "Blind" Nick Patrick attempting to search the ring for any clandestine pairs of brass knuckles...but fails to search Regal when Edge leaves the ring before the beginning of the match to wail on Regal on the floor. Forearm, right, right, right, forearm in the back, head to the commentary table, again, forearm, head to the table, over the barricade. Patrick tells Edge to bring it to the ring - Edge shoves him away. Regal suplexed back over the barricade onto the floor - those mats ain't too thick, folks. Regal rolled in - ring the bell! Edge climbs up top - missile dropkick finds the mark - this could be over quick - leg is hooked - 1, 2, NO! Forearm in the back, death suplex, leg is hooked, 1, 2, no. Regal slides outside - Edge follows...but Regal grabs him coming in and runs him into the post. Regal manhandles Edge into the ropes - and he bounces off back to the floor. Patrick up to 5 as Regal rolls Edge back in - forearm to the back, knee, cover - 1, 2, no. Edge tries to punch back - right, right, Regal with a kneelift - and a running knee off the ropes. 1, 2, no. Regal to the straitjacket...Edge makes it back to his feet and pulls away, forcing Regal to let go. Edge with a forearm in the mush. Off the ropes, ducks, crossbody - 1, 2, Regal kicks out. Regal manages a drop toehold, climbs the back and repeatedly rams the back of his head with his forearm. Regal grabs the headlock and makes Edge carry his entire body weight. Grinding it in - Edge doesn't give up, of course, but he may be wearing down. Regal grabs a double underhook...but Edge runs him to the corner before he can finish. Another headbutt to the gut, right, right, Edge whips him to the opposite corner, back body drop out, clothesline, Viscera kick, leg is hooked - and he gets 2! Regal reverses a whip attempt, Edge ducks the clothesline - Edgeomatic! But only 2 for Edge. Time for a high risk - he climbs up top...Regal is loading up his left hand - heel kick off the top HITS! Edge drops the elbow, but also manages to run into Patrick's shin at the same time. Meanwhile, the knux have slipped out of the ring - Edge goes out, finds them, slips them on...and goes back in to pop Regal! Edge hooks the leg - 1, 2, Patrick notices the knuckles on Edge's right hand and calls for the (DQ 4:29) Edge is unhappy...but what other call can Patrick make? Well, Edge goes ahead and clocks him with a loaded right, anyway. Charles Robinson comes in...and gets a SPEAR! Brian Webber's turn - loaded right...and tossed over the top, onto the apron (OUCH) and to the floor. Jimmy Korderas gets a SPEAR as well. No other refs are dumb enough to go down there, so they play Rob Zombie while Edge goes outside to continue his temper tantrum. Ross promises some hell toupee, while Lawler calls for fines and suspensions. I'm PRETTY sure Edge is mostly in the wrong, here. Let's watch some ads while we ponder these things.
Aw, man, why'd B.B. King have to do Burger King ads? Is he THAT hard up for cash?
Okay, I'm SO annoyed with ads for "That 80s Show" that NOW I hope that it not only BOMBS, but it ALSO takes out "That 70s Show" WITH it - THAT'LL larn 'em
And WHY hasn't "The Conspiracy Zone" been cancelled already? I'm tired of THEIR ads, too
Catch the WWF LIVE! Tomorrow is N. Charleston! Saturday, Pittsburgh - Sunday, Hershey, RAW is Richmond, and Norfolk is SOLD OUT - God bless the Scope
Moments Ago, Edge was a stupid man who wasn't smart enough to stash his weaponry. Dig Patrick's CRAZY fade after taking the right hand. Also, Edge has a tantrum
Coming back live, Security throws out...ooh, Edge is back to the creepy smile
Elsewhere, Big Show pays a visit to Kane. They're nose to nose. Hey I thought they were tag team partners! "Hey, hold on, big man. Hold on. All I did was to come by here and tell you, what you did to me at Royal Rumble...never happened before in my life. You picked me up and put me over the top rope. You the man. Flat out - never had that happen. Just wanted to come by and shake your hand, tell you...you the man." Kane looks at it...and takes it. "But I promise you, next time, it'll be a different story." "Until next time, then." "Absolutely, brother." Off he goes. We stick with Kane - next visited by Billy & Chucky. They've noticed that he likes red, and their favourite colour is red...but obviously there's something missing - and they've figured out what it is! Chucky opens the gift-wrapped box to reveal....a KANE headband. Before he can put it on him, Kane stops him. "You better watch yourself, bandana boy." Billy takes offense at Kane's reaction to their generosity, and as he explains to him that they're Billy & Chucky, Chuck flies in a spears Kane into the wall. Brief beatdown occurs, then they take off. "He didn't deserve it anyway!" Kane flings some chairs about (fortunately missing our intrepid WWF cameraman), then says "That was a bad move, boys..."
Elsewhere, it's time for the Pointless Debra Segment of the Night, which fortunately for us is combined with the Insult the Intelligence of the Audience Segment of the Night, as Mr. Perfect and Debra pretend they've never met before.
Elsewhere, Ric Flair is WALKING!
Okay, fine, Perfect told Debra he's unhappy that Austin smacked him with a chair, most likely being the direct cause of him losing his chance at a title match at WrestleMania (not counting the fact that he was thrown over the top rope and both of his feet hit the floor) AND, while Austin may be the toughest SOB in the WWF, he's not Perfect. Then he did the Perfect Gum Swap, which may or may not have actually worked. Even MORE noticable was the big spit spray from Perfect while talking to Debra - not his finest hour, for sure. Still, don't get me wrong - I'm as glad as anybody that he's back - but COME ON - "I'm Mr. Perfect!" "I'm Debra." And WHILE I'M HERE, how STUPID is it to hear Lawler of all people talk about "languishing in obscurity" when HE was at the EXACT same WWA and XWF tapings? Oh, and don't get me started on Amazon Onslaught's WWA Skrant - which looked more like Scott begging for a job than an actual pay-per-view report - whoops, I just lost my focus again. Back to our show
It's a look at WWF.com! You can still drop some coin on some video streaming, we are told
THE MAN is out to bridge the hours...at least, if the RAW Credits and TV-14-DLV & CC boxes are any indication. Flair slaps several hands on the way to ringside - I'll bet he's got a lot of friends around here. Sign in crowd: "FLAIR: 50% of the WWF - 100% of Vinces' ass!" Let's listen: "Woooooo! You know as I walked through the parking lot to walk into the BI-LO Center tonight, someone hollered from the upper deck, 'this is Flair Country!' And I turned around and I went 'woooo!' Thank you. You all know that for 25 years of my life, I wrestled night in and night out. For twenty-five years of my life, I bled, I sweat, I paid the price - woo! - of a wrestling lifetime! And I left my family behind. Because I had one goal - I was blind, I was focused, my goal was to become - woo! - one of the greatest World Champinos of all time! And the only thing that I can tell you for sure that I knew about my four children, was the fact that I saw all four of 'em born. Because it's very difficult to be there their first day at school when you gotta be in Dallas, Texas. It's very difficult to be there the first time they have a baseball game or a recital when you're in Tokyo, Japan. It's real hard to plan a family vacation when on Thursday you're in Norfolk, Friday you're in Richmond, Saturday you're in Greensboro, Sunday you're in Nashville and Charlotte, and Monday night you're at the Greenville Memorial wooo! Auditorium! Jack, that was livin' the life, I do not regret a moment of it because YOU became my family! Never regret it. YOU were what I lived with - you knew me better than I knew my own family - that's the truth. I LOVED what I did for a livin' - but, in recent years, I've had another goal. And y'all'll understand that - that goal - I'm gonna get 'em, baby, woo listen to this - that goal has been for my four children to look past Ric Flair, the World Champion, the stylin' profilin', limousine ridin', jet flyin', kiss stealin', wheelin' dealin', wooo - limousine ridin' (off the ropes) - woooo! son of a gun! I wanted them to look at me as a great men, and a great father. So that's why, when Vince McMahon started to screw with me and my family last night, I had to change a great saying. You got it - the saying used to be, to be the man, woooo!, you gotta beat the man. Last night, it became, to be the man, you gotta beat Vince McMahon, woooo! And last night, I did, at the Royal Rumble. So let me, on behalf of my family, thank all of you here live, and thank everybody out there that has supported me all these years, and as co-owner of the greatest Sports Entertainment company in the world - woooo! - let me indulge myself for one minute. Because, you see, last night, Vince McMahon - ohhh - all that power, all that money, he tried to take a liberty again, he grabbed a camera from my children's hands and took pictures of me. Well Vince, you're a lousy photographer. However, my daughter Meaghan is a GREAT photographer, and I've got two shots from the Rumble last night that my daughter shot at ringside, and if you will all look at the great TitanTron, woooo! There's Ric Flair, stylin' and profilin' in front of his own children....and let's have the second one, please - please put the second one up, because ladies and gentlemen, that is Vince McMahon payin' the price of a wrestling lifetime! Woooo!" At this point, "No Chance in Hell" plays and BILLIONAIRE VINCE walks out, probably as much to get his entrance video on the 'Tron as anything else - nah, who am I kidding. Vince slows as he nears the ring...but does climb the stairs and enter the ring. Vince takes Flair's mic...and Flair takes off his jacket. Now VINCE...no, he doesn't remove his jacket after all. "You see, some people think I lost at the Royal Rumble. If I lost at the Royal Rumble, I wasn't the only one. You see, Ric, you lost, too. Every WWF superstar lost at the Royal Rumble. Every WWF fan LOST at the Royal Rumble. 'cause I'm about to do something that even I will regret. You'll see. ...you'll see." The music plays - Vince grins - and then leaves. Well, sheesh, all we got out of that was a mugging - and not the GOOD kind, either!
APPARENTLY NO LONGER BALD VENIS v. MR. PERFECT - Your hosts are a pair of kings, LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER. Ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA is noticably brightened to see Venis. "Hello, ladies. Tonight, the Big Valbowski makes one lady's dream come true. Because tonight, one lucky lady here in this arena is gonna come into this ring...and remove the Big Valbowski's towel." No shortage of volunteers. "Let's see, how 'bout somebody over here...how 'bout somebody over here? How 'bout over here?" Venis makes various grunting noises. "You - right there. Yeah, you, with the blonde hair, the blue eyes, the uh uh, and the uh uh - you. Come on, little sweet thing. Come on. Help her over the barrier, guys, come on. Come on. Heh heh heh..." Finally, she's in. "Now I don't wanna know your name 'cause I don't want you to get too attached. Come on. Take off the towel. Come on, don't be afraid. Come on, let the Big Valbowski out, let the WORLD see the Big Valbowksi!" Music - towel whipped off - and then Venis gives her the Rude Awakening. Geez, Perfect's almost an afterthought here. I hope he wins. HERE WE GO: Lockup, nope. Let's try again - Perfect grabs a waistlock, reversal, reversal, Venis back elbows out. Drop toehold, floating over, Perfect counters to a waistlock. Ross starts talking about McMahon instead. In the corner - Perfect chop, chop, chop. Snapmares him back in - rolling neck snap! "Now *that's* Perfect!" Kick, right, forearm in the chest - whip is reversed, Venis holds on for his Misawa-like knee, repeat with another whip/hold/Misawa joke, side Russian leg sweep for 2. At this point, it is my duty to inform you that while I drop the name "Misawa" for street cred, I actually have no idea if that actually makes any sense or not - fortunately, I'm ready to take the hit if need be. Venis smashes Perfect's head into the turnbuckle. Cross corner whip is reversed by Perfect, Venis gets up the boot...but runs into a forearm smash. Well, it's too early for either of these guys to, as we say in the business, "lose any heat," so the breaking of glass heralds the arrival of STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN, who swipes a STEEL chair from Lilian, hits the ring and CLOCKS Perfect. (No contest? Call it 2:13 and call LA) He goes to leave, but Venis has a mic. "Hello, Stone Cold! Hold up. Now Mr. Perfect, he got exactly what he deserved...you see, he didn't have the guts to come to you face to face to deliver his message. Now, if the Big Valbowski ever had a problem with Stone Cold...I wouldn't go to your pretty little WIFE to deliver the message, no no no. The Big Valbowski would look you dead square in your eyes, and if he had to, the Big Valbowski would WHOOP YOUR ASS." Austin takes the mic - then opts for KICK WHAM STUNNER instead. While helping Venis out of the ring, he says - wait for it - "What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? You got something to say...What? What what what - you have something to say to me? What? You got something to say to Stone Cold? What? You wanna something to Stone Cold? You got time - you got lots of time! Get your ass outta here! And I look at my watch, that didn't take as long as I thought it would - so I think I got time - to tell you people a little story. Y'all wanna hear a story? If you wanna hear a story, gimme a hell yeah! Well this ain't a story about a man named Jed - you know that poor mountaineer - barely kept his family fed - then one day - he was shootin' at some food - up from the ground came a bubblin' crude - black gold - Texas tea - money - mucho dinero - next thing you know, ol' Jed's a millionaire - ah, the kinfolk said 'hey Jed' - that's what he said, 'What?' - they said, 'hey Jed - move away from there - California - California - you know, the west coast - California's the place you oughta be' - so they loaded up that truck - that bucket o' rust - that pile of junk - that old jalopy - bottom line was, they moved to Beverly. Hills, that is. Swimmin' pools - movie stars. The Beverly Hillbillies! Well I'm not here to tell you that story." Ross chuckles for our benefit. "I'm here to tell you the story about Stone Cold Steve Austin. Went to the Royal Rumble. I trained hard. I trained real hard. I ate tacos, enchiladas, drank beer, drank whiskey, ate cheeseburgers, drank tequila, ate some more enchilads, I even did a coupla pushups, pullups, situps (okay, I didn't really do the situps), took....two sumbitches got real lucky and threw Stone Cold over the top rope. I was hoodwinked - bamboozled - flabbergasted - eliminated! Stone Cold Steve Austin ain't goin' to WrestleMania to face the champ. That's the bad news. You want the good news? Stone Cold Steve Austin right now, and I know it's a little early - I said it's a little early - but I'm entering myself in next year's Royal Rumble for 2003. And while I'm not goin' to WrestleMania this year to face the champ, the good news is, Stone Cold Steve Austin IS goin' to WrestleMania - to whip somebody's ass, I said whip somebody's ass - brothers and sisters are ya with me? I'm gonna torture somebody - I'm'o bloody somebody - do you understand me - brothers and sisters are ya with me? Stone Cold Steve Austin is goin' to WrestleMania, and I'm'o whip a man's ass - and that's the bottom line - 'cause Stone Cold said so." I think I'm gonna stop transcribing Austin's promos. Two beers, four beers, Austin taunts two different cameramen on his way back up the ramp. Have you ever *wished* for an ad break?
TONIGHT: Rock & Triple H vs. Jericho & Angle!
WWF Magazine ad
The countdown begins tonight! COUNTDOWN TO WRESTLEMANIA X8 - EIGHT WEEKS
BANDANA BOYZ (thanks, Kane - with Earlier Tonight) v. KANE HAD NOTHING BETTER TO DO TONIGHT and I GUESS BIG SHOW DIDN'T NEITHER - Billy & Chuck(y) try to leave the ring as Kane enters - only to find out that Big Show hadn't made his entrance yet. Double clothesline on the ramp by Kane. Chuck thrown in so the bell can ring...THEN Kane sets off the corners. Billy in - no dice. Billy out. Tag to Show - why? Well it's the big headbutt. Chuck tags Billy - who is reluctant. Now Billy plays rag doll. Okay, let's move to the end - Kane climbs to the top, presumably for one of his "we call it a flying clothesline even though my feet always hit the mat before I connect with the move" moves - at the same time, Chuck ducks well it's the big clothesline, causing Show to come off the ropes, tripping up Kane and sending him flying to the floor. Chuck in the choke - Billy over with a gutshot - they manage a double DDT. Pound-Ass'er - Billy covers as Chuck holds down the unhooked leg, unbeknownst to referee "Blind" Teddy Long - 1, 2, 3. Another big win for.....eh. (1:39)
And now we go to the Rock's dressing room, where Triple H barges in to say "Rock, let me make one thing perfectly clear to you. You and I might be partners tonight....but I do not need you to be my saviour, understand?" "'n the blue hell are you so angry about? What are you walking around here so angry for? Walking around here mad. With your face all squinched up. (squinches up face) What's all that about? What are you so angry about, last night you won the Royal Rumble. You're GOIN' to WrestleMania. You should be *happy.* Go eat some ice cream. Go drink a protein shake, go make yourself a ham and cheese SSSSSAMMICH. Go do somethin' - but don't be angry. And just so you know, just so we're clear. The Rock wasn't comin' down there to be your saviour - that's the last thing in this world the Rock would ever do is to be your saviour - what the Rock did earlier tonight is exactly what you and the Rock are gonna do later tonight, and that's take Chris Jericho, take Kurt Angle, and whoop their candy asses all over Greenville!" "We're clear on that - (mumble mumble) play the game."
Thanks, 1-800-CAL-LATT, for bringing us the WWF Rewind! From the Royal Rumble, Trish manages to stave off Jazz and retain the Women's Championship.
Commentators switch gears to talk about Undertaker's reprehensible actions against the young Maven.
Let Us Take You Back to the Royal Rumble, via stills - until we get to Maven's dropkick...and the aftermath.
Now let's look at WWF New York - there it is!
Inside are the A.P.A. - they're so happy that the Godfather's back. Faarooq wants to say "ho" but Bradshaw stops him. He's legit now, see - they're *escorts.* Faarooq says "damn," presumably 'cause HE wanted some hos.
Speaking of which, the Godfather is WALKING! He politely knocks on the door marked "private" and says it's time to come to the ring. But they won't be ready for another two minutes. Instead of beating them, he waits politely. Wow, storyline overload - we NEED this ad break!
This just in: wwfescorttrain.com is still unregistered
GODFATHER (with eight - no, four hos - no, escorts) hits the ring. You know, I don't usually say this ahead of time, but....well, this is gonna suck, I'm sure. "Who woulda ever thought that the Godfather would go legit. You know, I finally realised that nobody wants to see women viewed as objects, no (crowd boos) - they wanna see ass. As, as well as class, so what I have done is I have opened up Godfather's Professional Escort Service: nothin' but the finest. Completely legit and for all of y'all's pleasure. See, all you gotta do is call 1-800-GODFATHER. That's 1-800-GODFATHER. We're in the yellow pages. So what you people think, you like what you see? Anybody out there need an escort for the night? How 'bout does anybody out there wanna party with the Godfather and his newfound business? Well let's get this thing started right, HIT the music!" Oops, it's LANCE STORM'S music. "If I can be serious for a minute...now Godfather, you listen to me. Nobody enjoys a good time more than I do, but this business of yours is as legitimate as a three-legged donkey...which of course is illegitimate because as we all know donkeys have four legs. Whatever. The point is, that ring is sacred ground - a place for SERIOUS athletic competition! And I don't appreciate it being disgraced by your 'escorts.' These people would rather see me in athletic competition....than bear witness to your pathetic charade. So I give you two choices - either you and your party clear outta that ring right now, or I come down there and escort you out, personally." "So, uh...what you want is a little action, huh, Lance? Well you sure in the hell ain't gon' get no action from these escorts. But I tell you what, why don't you walk your little narrow behind in this ring, and I'll give you an ass whoopin', LEGITIMATELY." Here comes Storm - kick by Godfather, overhand punch, again, into the ropes, Storm ducks, Viscera kick by Storm, climbs to the top, Godfather up and crotching him....and it's time once again for everybody to come aboard the Legitimate Train. Wants it again but Storm rolls out. Play his music! It's time for some legitimate dancing!
That's pretty much what they'd telegraphed last night - which leads to the obvious question. What's the POINT? There's nothing left! The crowd can't say pimpin' ain't easy anymore, there's no high-pitched HOOOOOOOO TRAIN, the women are so unscantily clad as to serve even less purpose than they did before - hell, even his outfits have lost all entertainment value. I wouldn't be surprised if they'd also managed to cut off his dick in the process. I mean, what's next?
I GET LETTERS: The Cubs Fan has inside news! I hear Val Venis' new gimmick is that he appears in ESCORT movies...
"'Just as I thought I was out, they pulled me back in.' Al Pacino, The Godfather, Part III, 1990. And yes, I was out of the game for a while sitting...waiting...reflecting...biding my time, waiting to make the biggest, most spectacular comeback EVER witnessed - the type of comeback that would make John Travolta snivel in jealousy. (inhale) Snivel, John, snivel away, for my time has come. Time to become the brightest, shining star of this cornucopia of confection known as the WWF. But alas, as bright as my star may be, there is one star even brighter. And that star is calling out to me in the night, sending a beacon into the night sky, eagerly awaiting my response. Well rest assured, when you wish upon a star, your dreams do come true. And my dreams will be realised. I will not have them shattered again. He knows this to be true. And when the final curtain has lowered, and the end credits roll, he will remember the drama, he will remember the passion, and above all else, he will remember then name and never forget...(inhale) mmmmm.....Goldust. (bites)"
Hey, Jim Bob Skeeter, he didn't 'fess up to GTV yet!
We can't have a Pointless Debra Segment of the Night without a Pointless Stephanie Segment of the Night! She wants him to go kick the Rock's ass instead of teaming with him. "When are you gonna realise that the whole world does not revolve around what you want?" "How can you say that? You know, Hunter, you really changed. You haven't even publicly acknowledged my contributions to your success - my contributions to your comeback - my contributions to you winning the Royal Rumble!" "Why don't you make a contribution right now to my sanity and do the one thing you never seem to be able to do? Shut up." Stephanie reacts with surprise...before glowering.
UP NEXT: You know
Catch the WWF LIVE! Tomorrow, N. Charleston! Saturday, Johnstown! Sunday, Charlottesville! Monday is RAW in Richmond, and Tuesday at the Scope is SOLD OUT!
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THE ROCK and THE NEW MAN v. KURT ANGLE and MR. JERICHO - when websites collide - You know, my friends, the snowflake system has been so battered and abused that I think it's time for a brand new system! Thus, I hereby dub this contest a "four website match." Let's go let's go! Rock and Angle start. Angle tries to take advantage of a distracted Rock, but no - Rock right, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, duck, flying clothesline. Samoan Drop! Angle responds with a knee - right. Tag to Jericho, right, Jericho kick, right, chop, knee, knee, knee, into the ropes is reversed, Jericho with a shoulderblock - but Rock nips up and spears Jericho as he comes off the ropes! Mount, right, right, right, right, right, right, tag to Triple H, held open for a kick from H. H right, right, into the ropes, Jericho slides under, but runs into a dropkick. Into the ropes again, head down, Jericho kicks. It's Jericho off the ropes, H steps aside, then puts him over the top - Jericho lands on the apron and runs up the corner...but, irony of ironies, it's *H* catching *Jericho* and tossing *him* into the middle of the ring a la Flair. H barrels him over and chokes for almost 4. Tag to Rock - held open for a right. Right. Jericho rakes the face to turn it back around. Right, kick, right, right, chop, into the ropes is reversed, Rock with a belly-to-belly throw...and a free shot for Angle. Jericho tries to run in - but ends up on the wrong end of a spinebuster. Rock wants it - but while running the ropes, Angle lowers the bridge and Rock crashes over the rope and into the commentary table. Jericho makes sure referee "Blind" Earl Hebner occupies himself with keeping H in his corner while Angle works over Rock on the outside. Rolled back in and Jericho hooks a leg - but only gets 2. Mount, right, right. Jericho picks him up - scoooop - and a slam. Off the ropes with an elbowdrop - another elbowdrop - Jericho exaggerates the third elbowdrop and gets another 2 count. Tag to Angle - open kick. Right, right, into the ropes, Rock ducks, Rock right, right, Angle blocks, wants the kick but Rock catches it, dragon screw legwhip...into the sharpshooter, but Jericho comes in double quick to break it up. Jericho gets in a stomp before backing off and asking Hebner again to keep H out of it. While he does, Jericho drags Rock away from his corner. Angle stomp, stomp, ANGLELOCK!! But Triple H is in now - and breaks it up. Angle pulls Rock back and tags Jericho. Stomp. Jericho goads Triple H but doesn't bring him in. Rock surprises Jericho with a gutshot and DDT! Both men are down. The "Rock E" chant fires up again as each man slowly crawls to their corner...tag to Angle, HOT TAG TO H! Clothesline by H, clothesline, right for Jericho, right for Angle, right for Jericho, right, right, right, Angle tries to swing him around, only to suffer "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, whipped into Jericho. Angle whipped into the ropes - BIG spinebuster. Jericho jumps from the second rope - but H catches the dropkick, double leg takedown...and a WOW Catapult that sails Jericho OVER Angle and out of the ring! H spears Angle and punches him...hmm, about nine times I'd say. Angle manages to reverse the whip, but puts his head down...so H gives him the facebuster. Meanwhile, Jericho's been climbing the corner with the big gold belt in his hand...H with a gutshot on Angle - double underhook - but spies Jericho, so instead of a Pedigree, he shoves Angle into the corner, crotching Jericho! Adding further insult to injury, H uses Angle's head to headbutt Jericho's crotch! NOW Angle gets the Pedigree. Cover...1, 2, Jericho manages a Savage elbow JUST in the nick of time to make the save. Two men down - Rock FINALLY stands up in his corner - Jericho is jumping up and down with anticipation, if ONLY Angle will tag. Now Rock comes to life. Tag to Jericho, HOT TAG TO ROCK! Rock right, right, right, right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT! He's not done - right, into the opposite corner is reversed, Jericho off the ropes with the bulldog! But instead of going for the Lionsault, Jericho runs outside...and returns with the bell. Jericho swings - Rock ducks - Angle takes the brunt! Jericho swings again - misses - ROCK BOTTOM - 1, 2, 3! No bell sounds! (Call it 7:39) H and Rock take opposite corners for the posing - Raw Zone credits are up and we're out.
Well, see....there are a lot of potentially good things to look forward to coming out of this show. The problem is, there are a lot of potentially BAD things to look forward to coming out of this show. And that's without me even THINKING about people we haven't seen on TV yet. I dunno.......