THANKS TO: Mad
props and a belated happy birthday to Stephen Garza!
ADVANCE WARNING: Skip to the next heading if you're looking for the usual RAW report stuff...
BONUS COLUMN: I said goodbye to an old friend tonight.
My story actually goes back to 1 May 2001...well, actually it goes back to the 15th of July in 1995, when I bought the '63 Beetle, and named it Colleen. I paid $3500 and it was pristine - the new engine only had 8500 miles on it, it had been tricked up as a showpiece, so so clean, ran like a dream. It was everything I needed in a car, and best of all no payments...well, except for the occasional contribution to my German mechanic's retirement fund, but that was SO much better than cutting a check every month, especially given that I was trying to earn a living in tech support WHILE living alone in Sunnyvale AND pay for cable AND the occasional pay-per-view.
I drove that car pretty much exclusively for almost six years - yeah, it had no air conditioning, yeah the paint started to show blemishes from me running into rocks and bugs and other fun things, yeah the windshield leaked like a mother when it rained, yeah the clutch/speedometer/rotor/choke went out and had to be repaired, yeah most of the stereo equipment was stolen, but dammit, that was MY CAR, and I loved it.
I even composed an entire column to my car - lots of people didn't get it, but that wasn't my problem.
Anyway, it was the first of May and I was preparing to finish an early work week so I could fly to Manhattan and see Kim. I stopped at a traffic light on Route 87 before my exit and the engine stopped. Hmm, that was weird, I thought, as I started it up again.
I stopped at the LAST traffic light and it stopped again. Hmm, this ain't good, I thought, as I started it for what would turn out to be the last time.
About two miles before my workplace, I started smelling this...well, "poison gas" is probably an apt term. The car was filling up with some kind of acrid smoke and it was killing me. Also, the car had stopped running so much as seizing up, lurching instead of rolling. I said a few expletives, a few prayers, and limped along 87, to 280, to my exit, through a stop sign and into the parking lot.
I had a hunch what was happening - the battery power wasn't getting to the engine, and the only thing keeping Colleen running was the fact that the engine was still turning...just enough to power the entire car. The headlights were flickering, dim, just about gone - the internal lights flickering, dim, just about gone...
Then I finally had to hit the brakes.
That was it; there was too much of a power demand for the car to handle, and everything went dead.
I pushed the car into a parking space and tried to convince myself that everything was all right; that it could be fixed.
I had it towed to my mechanic, who promised to take a look at it while I was in New York...he didn't. When he finally DID look at it, he recommended an electrician and told me "don't fix it unless you are in love with it."
I called the electrician just to see what the damage would be to my wallet - they said they weren't even interested in looking at it. It was too old.
So I let Phil look at it - he'd been great with all my other problems, after all. He diagnosed that not only was there a wire burn, but it went all the way from the battery to the fusebox, and probably all points inbetween. It'd need a new harness and new wires. "But," he said, "I can do it. No problem."
Actually, there WAS a problem - it was the middle of summer and it sure as heck wasn't car fixing weather. So Colleen sat there in the parking lot - every month or so I'd push it to a different spot in a futile attempt to convince people it really was being cared for and not just abandoned in the XO parking lot. Meanwhile, I finally broke down and started a payment plan on Pikachuu, a 2001 Beetle Sport - I'd been meaning to buy a car for three years, but it never really seemed NECESSARY until then.
Then Phil quit and moved to Oregon before fixing Colleen. Oops.
So even though I didn't really have a *plan*, I still had the car...but tonight, I finally sold it for $500 to a friend of a coworker who has the time and desire to bring it back to life.
I can't exactly explain WHY I held onto Colleen until the 4th of February, 2002 - I guess it's just one of those stupid things that us stupid humans do sometimes. We don't want to let go. We don't want to accept that change is inevitable. There comes a point, I guess, where we become old enough - I daren't say "mature" enough - that those hard decisions can be made....that the RIGHT decisions can be made, and that we can not only ACCEPT the change, but we can AFFECT it - we can embrace it. You can't keep putting things off because I'm afraid of the consequences-- I mean, hmmm, which pronoun did I get wrong. Sigh.
Finally, even with all these realisations, that sure didn't mean I didn't get a little misty watching them tow Colleen out of the parking lot...or that I won't feel a certain emptiness driving back to work tonight, hitting the employee parking lot, looking for her and not seeing her there.
By the way...
...in a way, this story ties into my WWF, too.
QUICK QUOTE: WWF 13.68 (- .37, last year: 17.81, two years ago: 11 5/8)
TONIGHT: There'll be a show! And...something may happen! But you get no hints in this preview! No! Well, you get an NWO logo. But God knows what THAT means THIS week...
T(O)N(I)G(HT): "Remember Me" is a pretty good episode, and I think the funniest bit is right here at the end - Beverly jumps through the gateway, Wesley COLLAPSES, and everyone...goes running to check on Beverly! HAHAHAHA ANOTHER BIG DIS ON WES
TV-14-DLV - CC - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Let Us Take You Back To Go Read The SmackDown! Report
MICHAEL KING COLE stands live with Ric Flair to kick it all off! "Michael, I've had second thoughts all week and clearly this has weighed very heavily on my conscience, but I stand by my decision." Cole asks if he's considered the ramifications; namely, that McMahon will now inject the poison (no known cure) of the NWO into the WWF? "If he does that, we will have a huge problem in the World Wrestling Federation...huge."
PYRO! WE ARE LIVE from the Thomas & Mack in Lost Wages, NV 4.2.2 on TNN, TSN, WWF New York, and a shack in Area 51. In the WWF, they call it RAW!
TONIGHT: I'm really starting to get tired of that random tag team generator - tonight, it's spit out yet another four website contest: Stone Cold & the Rock vs. Chris Jericho & Undertaker
THE NEW MAN gets the opening interview proper - Flair's having taken place before the credits. Let Us Again Take You Back to SmackDown! where Angle worked over Triple H's ankle with *blatant* disregard for his eight months of quadracep blah blah blah. Is the fact that Lawler's alone these days linked to the fact that he really seems to get off on Triple H's money shot/spit take/whale blowhole pose on the apron? Can I tell you this has been a pretty easy seven minutes to recap thus far? "Kurt Angle...Thursday on SmackDown!, you tried to break my ankle. Well Mr. Olympic Hero, you made two very big mistakes. One, you didn't get the job done. And two, you screwed with the wrong guy. I've waited four days...I'm not waiting any longer. Angle, get your Olympic Ass in this ring and get it kicked right now!" Angle fails to appear. "Come on, Kurt. Come out and play!" H is singing! "Kurt Angle, come out and plaaay!" Is that his new catchy phrase? "Can u dig it - sucka?" means it's the music of BOOKER TIO and not Angle. There he is! "Triple H - you and me, we got somethin' in common. Your intensity - see you're so full of rage..." "You suck!" chant from the crowd. "You are so full of rage, and so am I. But that's one thing we don't have in common; see, you're a loser. And I am a winner. See last week...I kicked your ass, right on national TV, and ain't nothin' gon' stop me from doin' it right now, now can u dig that - sucka?" Let me go back and read closely what T just said..."you are...so am I...but we don't have in common..." oof. Anyway, T heads down to the ring as H *leaves* the ring and it's on. Back and forth we go - hey, Tim White's out as well...whip into the STEEL steps is reversed by H and T hits hard. T's head meets the barricade. T meets the ringpost. Rolled in the ring...huh, the bell rings!
H v. T - T ducks a clothesline, but H lands a knee as he come off the ropes. H mounts and punches - crowd tries to count along but H speeds it up to mess with 'em. White pulls H off after ten punches, and they have a brief discussion - H with the shove, White with the power of the point to the patch. H takes WAY too long away from his opponent - sure enough, T comes back with a superkick that almost makes HIM break out into a limp. Harlem sidekick! Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Now *T* argues with White. H back up - right, right, right, off the ropes, but into an elbow from T - 1, 2, NO. WWF Shop Zone Dot Com replay of one of T's kicks. T with an arm wringer into the back heel kick - another 2. T waiting for H to get up - wants the Book End, but H counters into a spinebuster! H is riled up - ducks a clothesline, choke takedown, lets him up, right, into the ropes, reversed by T, head down, facebuster by H. H measuring him...gutshot, Pedigree coming up, NO, T is out - back kick - off the ropes, axe kick avoided, gutshot by H, Pedigree HITS - 1, 2, KURT ANGLE is in to break it up with a medium-time beatdown, culminating in a big-time OLYMPIC SLAM!! Play Angle's music! There was no final bell, but if I'm generous and stop the clock at the beginning of Angle's music, we come up with (DQ? No contest? 2:56)
Catch the WWF LIVE! Not tomorrow in LA, though, it's sold out! Saturday is Albuquerque, Sunday El Paso, Monday is RAW at Arkansas State University, and Tuesday is Little Rock!
Moments Ago, Two Paragraphs Ago
Backstage, H nearly kills Jack Doan before he stooges out Angle - he's headed for Mr. McMahon's office...
Meanwhile, in the Diva locker room, Stacy steals Torrie's lipstick! Chucky and Billy enter...and show off the "Billy & Chucky 2002 Calendar" - somehow, this leads to the SmackDown! posedown that they cut out of LAST week's SmackDown! Tonight, the tag team titles; Thursday, Billy & Chucky challenge Torrie and Stacy - wait...Stacy and Torrie are friends now? Better yet, why was Sharmell just standing around in two towels this whole time?
Back to Triple H - two cops stand in front of Mr. McMahon's door. Triple H says "Angle's a bigger wuss than I thought." Angle appears behind the cops. "Oh, Triple H, I see you met my friends." "Hey guys, what's the penalty for aggravated assault around here, huh?" The cop fails to say "Well, in Vegas, first we repeal your boxing license..." Angle tells H that Mr. McMahon has decided they'll have a match at No Way Out. H is pretty happy about this...until learning that his WrestleMania title shot is on the line. "Good work fellas, keep up the good work!" Ross: "Why, that's...THAT'S NOT FAIR!" GOSH DARN IT!
Tazz shills/steals Stacker 2
Kurt Angle shills 1-800-CAL-LATT...and their upcoming WrestleMania contest.
WWF Home Video presents "The Rock: Just Bring It" and "Survivor Series!"
POINTS TO SELF (with RAW is brought to you by truth, Stacker 2, and "The Time Machine") v. BUBBA RAY DUDLEY (with D-Von & Stacy Dudley) - D-Von gets a quick yank of the hair from behind to give Bubba Ray the early advantage. Right, right, into the corner, slap, slap, forearm in the back, right, right, kick, right, right, into the opposite corner, van Dam up and over but nobody's home, so he goes up and over *again* - this works - van Dam with a superfluous backflip, ducks a clothesline, Dudley ducks a heel kick, van Dam with the leg sweep, Rolling Thunder off the ropes, hooks the leg, but referee "Blind" Jack Doan is busy discussing the Enron effect on 401(k) reform with Stacy on the apron. van Dam lets up to try to get the ref's attention, and Bubba grabs him with the scoop slam as D-Von's climbing the buckles...Doan spots THIS, and tosses D-Von and Stacy! SHOCKING!! van Dam takes advantage of a distracted Bubba - forearm, into the ropes is reversed and Bubba pulls van Dam into a Bubbabomb. One more call to the curtain - nope, they're gone. Bubba tries to keep his advantage - neckbreaker gets 2. Head to the buckle, right hand, kick, BIG suplex, measured old school elbowdrop, elbowdrop, Dudley points to himself and drops the sledge on the "D" - 1, 2, nope. Crowd is ... not loud. Scoop...and a slam. Dudley going to the second floor - DON'T TRY THE SENTON THAT NEVER WORKS, I'M BEGGING YOU - well, van Dam's back to his feet - overhead kick, right, right, climbing up - Bubba with body shots, shoves him away, goes for the senton - and go figure, he misses. van Dam with a spin heel kick - vaults to the top, Fivestar frog splash - 1, 2, 3. Whoopee! (3:22) van Dam's celebration is cut short by some familiar music...and a Shattered Dream production? "When you wish upon a star / Makes no difference who you are / When you wish upon a star / Your dreams come true - Jiminy Cricket, Pinocchio, 1940. Congratulations, R-V-D - YOU are that rising star. But unfortunately for you, your dreams WON'T come true...'cause they're about to be SHATTERED. Courtesy of the one man whose name you'll never forget... (inhales)...Goldust." Before the camera cuts back to the ring, GOLDUST has apparently invaded the ring and jumped van Dam from behind - he's stomping away now - head to the buckle - kick, kick, kick, right, right, right, Irish whip into the opposite corner, gutshot, butt to the head, spread in the corner, one more slap, pose...and the Shattered Dreams kick in the nuts. He's not done - pose and neckbreaker. One more forearm drop to punctuate it. Play his music! Hmm, I don't think any of us had van Dam pegged as Goldy's target. Here's the replay, which shows Goldust landed a big blind clothesline to kick it all off. Goldust bites in our direction...I guess the Curtain Call is gone?
A Pointless Stephanie Segment Aired Here
The Stacker 2 Burn of the Week is brought to you by - yes - Stacker 2! From SmackDown!, Rock puts Undertaker through the commentary table
Backstage, Cole catches up to Undertaker - listen to the respect in his voice! "Uh, excuse me - excuse me, sir - Undertaker - excuse me, kind of a touchy subject but, I just wanted to get your reaction to getting Rock Bottomed through a table by the Rock on SmackDown! Thursday night." "My reaction. ...WHO IN THE HELL ARE YOU TO ASK ME ABOUT WHAT MY REACTION IS? What business is it of yours?! My reaction! What's wrong, Cole? I sense fear. Do you fear me? 'cause I like that. You know, fear and respect, they go hand in hand. My reaction? I feel like I've been disrespected. I feel like the Rock disrespected me. So tonight...I'm gonna take the Rock, and I'm gonna teach him...the word 'respect.' And when I'm done with him, I'm gonna move to Stone Cold Steve Austin. And then I'm gonna teach him respect." Chris Jericho enters the picture at this point. "First of all, Taker, NOBODY respects you more than I do, nobody respects everything you've accomplished in the WWF more than me. But just to let you know, tonight's match is not a handicap match, tonight's match is a tag team match." "Your point is...?" "Well my point is this: tonight your partner is a larger than life, living legend, Undispyooted Champion of the World. And if you have any problem at all teaching those two about respect, I just want to let you know that tonight...I've got your back. Tonight, the Champ..." - Jericho goes to pat him but thinks twice and pats his title belt instead - "...has got YOUR back."
WOW! It's Spike & Tazz! And they're WALKING!
Kurt Angle 1-800-CAL-LATT #2
Tough Enough 2 is coming for your children - 28 February
Hey! It's the Fremont Street canopy! Right at the corner is the Bay Area, and the BEST 99 cent shrimp cocktail in Vegas, uh huh. I loves me the cheap shrimp cocktail, boy. In fact, if I go to the WWA pay-per-view, I'm DAMN sure getting me some shrimp cocktail! Woooo! (Also, it's more likely I'll stay home and just buy some shrimp and cocktail sauce at the grocery store and watch the thing on TV. Still...)
WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: BANDANA BOYZ v. A.P.A. v. TAZZ & SPIKE in a tag team elimination tag team match, which is for the tag team championship (thanks, Lilian) - Howard Finkel said on Byte This! a few weeks back that Tazz & Spike are the first team under 400 pounds to hold the tag team championship - I don't know if that's true, but it's definitely interesting in an L.M. Boyd kinda way. In this match, anybody can tag out to anybody, dig it. The APA decide to let these other guys beat the hell out of each other first, and stand on the apron - it's Tazz and Chuck. Chuck right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, head down, leapfrog by Chuck - awkward, but perhaps by design. Chuck pulls up and gives Billy a thumbs up - oops, took too long - he turns back and gets a clothesline by Tazz. Tag to Spike - Tazz with a T-bone Tazzplex; Spike with PERRO AGUAYO from the top. Spike wants the 'dog but Chuck throws him halfway across the ring instead. Stomp, head to Billy's boot, WWF Shop Zone Dot Com replay. Billy with a right hand, kick, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, arguing with referee "Blind" Mike Chioda. Hard whip into the corner. Spike rushes out with a headbutt to the gut - off the ropes but Billy catches him in a flapjack. Leg is hooked - 1, 2, no. Billy tries again quickly - 1, 2, no. Tag to Billy, held open for the right hand, kick, and kick. Discus right by Chuck gets 2. Another cover - 1, 2, Spike won't give up. Choke on the bottom rope for 4. While Chioda and Chuck get a clarification on the rules, Billy works over Spike on the outside. Tossed back in and STILL Chuck can't get more than 2. Spike put in the corner...boot up by Spike! Chuck walks in - Spike manages a tornado DDT! Wow, this whole match has taken place in the unoccupied corner. Both men are down and Chioda's up to 4. Chuck tags Billy - Spike can't reach Tazz so he tags in Faarooq! Clothesline for Billy, clothesline for Chuck, Billy into the ropes, he gets a powerslam. Tag to Bradshaw, Faarooq kicks Chuck, double into the ropes, double shoulderblock. Billy into the ropes, double spinebuster. Bradshaw with a powerbomb on Chuck. Tazz in, Tazz and Faarooq out, Billy surprises Bradshaw with a Pound-Ass'er and gets the 1, 2, 3! (4:23) Whoa. Billy turns to Spike - gutshot. "Now you're next!" But Bradshaw ankles him as he goes off the ropes - Spike up - Dudley 'dog! 1, 2, 3! Champs retain. (4:47)
VINCE - McMAHON - IS - WALKING
Rollerball ad - I've been told on my message board that that is indeed Shano in there. Hey, maybe he'll do SO well that he'll be in movies FOREVER and we'll never see him on TV again. Maybe also I'll win the California Lotto, now up to just over $60,000,000.
Did you know? The No Way Out theme is Rob Zombie's "Feels So Numb" - from his hit CD "Sinister Urge" - available NOW!
BILLIONAIRE VINCE (with RAW credits) hits the ring. Sign in crowd: "VINCE + NWO = DEATH" Well I'm sure SOMEONE will get killed before it's all over.... "Last Thursday night, Ric Flair was supposed to come out here and do the right thing, Ric Flair last Thursday night, was supposed to come out here and sell me his ownership, his stock in World Wrestling Federation Entertainment. But the lying SOB changed his mind, take a look. I'm presenting the pen to Ric Flair...Flair signs his first name, he won't sign his last, he's having second thoughts...right there. And then, what happens? I'm not so sure if Flair didn't know this was gonna happen, look who's walkin' down to ringside. I take a swing at Flair, he belts me and then, offa that - watch. A Stone Cold Stunner! Flair tears the contract up, throws it down in my face, and then Austin and Flair toast with a beer. ... What possible explanation could Ric Flair have for changing his mind? Why don't we find out and bring out the two-faced liar now...Flair, come on down, I'm demanding an explanation! Come on - if you got the courage of your convictions, Flair, you'll come out and face me right now!" Hit the music, THE MAN is here. Flair puts up his dukes lest Vince get too close. "You know...you know, Ric, last Thursday you stood in this ring, and the tears were flowing from your eyes, and you talked about how this was gonna be the last time we'd ever see the great Ric Flair in the ring because you were gonna hang it up, you were gonna do the right thing, right? ...and then you changed your mind, Ric, and I've just gotta know why because, quite frankly, I'll tell you before you tell me. 'cause down deep, Ric, you know it as well as I do, down deep...you're a LIAR. And you lie to yourself, Flair, just as easily as you lie to me and everybody else. Oh you weren't gonna sell me your stock because you were concerned for the future welfare of WWF superstars and WWF fans, you were real concerned, weren't you, Ric? That's why you weren't gonna sell me your stock, you were concerned of the - this - the sword of Damacles, the NWO, hanging over your head, that it was gonna come down and CHOP it off! That's not the real reason, though, Ric, is it, why you didn't sell me your stock? That's not the real reason - the real reason, Ric... the reason is, Ric...you're selfish. You see, you just have to be Ric Flair, don't you? You can't get it out of your system, right? Huh? That's the reason you didn't sell me your stock, because you still have to be that limousine-ridin', jet-flyin', all the - all the parading around - you have to be Ric Flair - that's the real reason because all of a sudden your dream had come true. Ric Flair, who had always been this great superstar wrestler in the business was now an OWNER - by God, he was now standing side by side next to the powerful Vince McMahon, and you couldn't give it up! That's the real reason why you didn't sell me your stock, so for ONCE in your life, tell the truth, Ric. That's the real reason, right?" He holds the mic to Flair's lips. "No." "That's not the reason. Then the only other plausible explanation is that you listened to that rude, beer-swilling, redneck, crude, Stone Cold Steve Austin. That can be the only other possible explanation. That's it, Ric, it's just as simple as that, right?" "No." "That's not the reason either. Then why don't you tell me and all these people what powerful force on earth - what force on earth could get Ric Flair to change his mind. I'm dyin' for this one, Flair. What was it?" "The fans." Fans eat it up with a spoon. "The fans. They don't have any idea what's good for them, no more than you have any idea what's good for you...or what's good for the World Wrestling Federation! But now, Ric, you can't stop it. They cain't stop it! No one can stop the fact that...THESE men are on their way to the World Wrestling Federation! The NWO! These men! Hogan, Hall and Nash! (1) And if you, or anybody else gets in their way, I guarandamntee you, there will be NO WAY OUT!" They play "No Chance in Hell" again as Vince leaves - the NWO logo is still on the EntertainmentTron. Vince smiles...Flair still has his fists clenched.
Well, they did it.
Catch the WWF Live tomorrow in Los Angeles, Saturday in Rolla, Sunday in Springfield (MO), RAW is Arkansas, and Tuesday in Little Rock!
Backstage, Patterson and Brisco react. They ask Arn about what we just saw. Arn says the NWO *is* poison. It could mean the death of the WWF. He's known Flair for over 20 years, but he's sure that Thursday, he made the WRONG decision...
WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP RIKASHMONEY (2) v. (3) WILLIAM REGAL (with TV-14-DLV & CC & a new MIDI) - Pre-match patdown from referee "Blind" Teddy Long. "This is bloody harassment!" Here we go. 'kishi ducks, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, back elbow. Regal tries to crawl out. 'kishi right, right, right, kick, kick, kick, into the opposite corner - Regal tries to bounce out but eats a clothesline instead. Regal reaches underneath the apron and doesn't look like he comes up with anything, but goes to his trunks anyway. 'kishi picks him up - Regal with a kick - high knee off the ropes to turn it around. Stomp, stomp, stomp, kick, kick, kick. Left, left, left, left, "Regal sux" chant. Left is blocked, right by 'kishi, right knocks him down...but Regal manages a leglace takedown and puts on the crossface. Left knee, right knee, back elbow, whip into the opposite corner is reversed, 'kishi with a big back body drop out. Regal manages a gutshot to come back up. Left, knee, forearm in the back, European uppercut, into the corner, forearm shiver. Regal puts on a..half nelson chinlock? Wow, Lawler sure hates Flair. Wow, the crowd sure hates Regal. Arm falls once...arm falls (4) twice...well, no it doesn't. Rikishi back to his feet - Regal with a forearm - into the ropes is reversed - caught in a BELLY-to-belly attempt, but Regal rakes the face to get out - off the ropes - into a RIKISHIKICK! 'kishi off the ropes, off the other ropes, EARTHQUAKE!! Dragging Regal to the corner - it could be time - it could be - it is - BAN - ZAI - DRAWWWWWWWWP - OHHH IT MISSES!! Regal goes to his trunk and loads up his fist...hey KING EDGE is out (DQ Formula 4:05) - Edge with a SPEAR, punches in bunches, shoving off the six REFS that have joined the fray, back to Regal...finally they subdue Edge, leaving Regal alone in the corner - almost flumped down - almost - yep. Rikishi raises the roof and backs it up. Play his music! Edge is smiling again. Regal's got a facial expression of his own.
JONATHAN COACHMAN knocks on the Rock's door - he'll regret that for sure... right after this
No Way Out spot - Austin/Jericho
Tazz Stacker 2 #2
Kurt Angle 1-800-CAL-LATT #3
And now, the Whack of the Night brought to you by Whacko Tobacco! From SmackDown!, Page wins the European championship - and Christian ain't too happy about that
Look! WWF New York!
Inside is DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE, sucking up to the fans
Coachman stands at the cyclone fence with Rock. "Yeah yeah yeah, the Rock has a big announcement, but you see...the Rock's big announcement does not concern Scott Hall, Kevin Nashhhh..or Hoak Hogan (5). The Rock's big announcment concerns...the Undertaker. You see, Undertaker.... ["Rock E!"] ...you see, Undertaker - two weeks ago on SmackDown!, you came in the Rock's match, you chokeslammed the Rock, costing the Rock the Undisputed championship - so now, Undertaker, the Rock's big announcement is two weeks from now at No Way Out Dead Man Walking is gonna walk right into going one on one with the Great One! But Undertaker, let's think about this, WHY did you get involved in the Rock's match? Why? *Why.* Because the Rock had the nerve to mention that Maven threw you out of the ring at Royal Rumble? Is that why, Undertaker? Why, because in the very same interview, dared to make Coach right here dance the charleston like he's never danced before? Is that why, Undertaker? Undertaker, would you get something straight, right here right now. Is you see, the Rock does not answer to you. You see, Undertaker, the Rock is not the Undertaker's Champion, no no no, no. The Rock is the PEOPLE'S Champion. But you see, Undertaker, leaves the Rock with two choices. What the Rock could do right now... is he could go out and he could prepare for his match, his tag match tonight, *after* the Rock sings a verse of his favourite song called Viva Rock Vegas. Or, Undertaker, if it were up to you, what the Rock could do is simply not do that, not entertain, not electrify, what the Rock does best, entertain, electrify the MILLIONS...and millions of the Rock's fans. So if it's up to you, Undertaker, the Rock could just...walk away, right now. I guess the choice is obvious." He walks away! (Must be distraught that he just said "I" again.) "Rock E!" Coach tries to sum it up...but Rock is back - shakes his head - points to the mic - then makes a sweeping go away motion with his hand. Then he belts out a verse of "Viva Rock Vegas" - he's relatively on key....after he actually settles on a key, mind you, which takes almost the entire snippet. "Rock E!" "IF YA SUHMELLLLLLLALALALALALALOOWWW WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN'."
Stephanie - shouldn't be - WALKING!
Joanie Laurer (former Chyna of the WWF) hosts "Robot Wars: Grand Champions" on THE NEW TNN! OHHHHH so THAT'S what happened to her! It's on right before Excess - ANOTHER show you probably don't watch
SIX weeks until WRESTLEMANIA!
Hey THERE'S that Fremont Street canopy - YEAH (6)
STEFFO'S A LITTLE TEAPOT walks to the ring. (7) "And now, I'd like to call my husband Triple H down to This Very Ring, 'cause it's time for my BIG SURPRISE!" While THE NEW MAN makes his way down to the ring, let me ask you this: are we really supposed to keep cheering him when he's busy being such a sourpuss? "Okay, Hunter. It is good, I know you have no idea why I'm out here, but last week on SmackDown!, in an interview with JR, I had an EPIPHANY! And although I hate to admit it, I've realised that JR was right about a couple of things. It does seem like our marriage is falling apart, it does seem like we're fighting all the time. It seems like we're not communicating, and I realise that there's only one way for us to prove our love for each other, and that is...in one week, LIVE on RAW next Monday Night that we RENEW OUR WEDDING VOWS! And I waited to make this announcement until we were in this city, Las Vegas, because this is where we started, this is where we got married in the first place. There was no perfect place - no more perfect place than Vegas. Come on, Hunter, what do you say, let's renew our wedding vows - isn't this a great idea?" H fights back a tear. "That is the stupidest idea I've ever heard. What - what is the matter with you? What is the matter with you McMahons? Why does everything have to be on live TV? Why does all our dirty laundry have to get aired live in front of the world? Why does everything we do, the ups, the downs, why does it all have to be in front of the world, no matter how private, it's gotta be there for everybody to see, why is that?" "It's *because* of them! It's because each and every one of them doubts me, each and every one of them thinks I'm a failure in life, a failure in my career, and a failure in our marriage! They think that I'm..." Well, it sounds like they think she's a "slut" as well. "They think I'm hanging onto your coattails, they think our marriage is falling apart, my reputation is on the line, Hunter! You have to do this for me, you have to renew our wedding vows! Do it for us, baby, do it for our marriage!" "So let me get this straight. This Monday, on RAW, live, in front of the entire world, you want me to renew our wedding vows - to stand in front of you and the world and express my love for you and you for me." "Yes." Crowd boos. "No." Crowd cheers! "Hunter, you can't say no, you can't say no, you have to do this, you have to do it for me, there's, there's no other choice - you have to--" "WHY DO I HAVE TO DO IT FOR YOU? WHY? Because you're the Billion Dollar Princes? Because you're Stephanie McMahon? Why? Why do I have to do it? Because you always get your way? Why? Because everything we do - everything in our lives is about you? Is that why? That's why I have to do it? Is that why?" "No, Hunter...it's because...it's because I'm pregnant!" Aw, fuck. That's it, I'm outta here. "Hunter, I didn't wanna do this in front of everybody - I couldn't help it, Hunter, I'm - that's why I've been so moody - that's why I've been so argumentative with you...I...." Crowd: "Bull shit!" Me: "Yo!" "Hunter, it doesn't matter what everybody else thinks, but I know how bad you want to be a dad, and you know how badly I want to be a mom...and we are finally going to be a family. That's why we need to renew our wedding vows - that's why, so we can be a family all together. Hunter, don't do it for you, don't do it for me...DO IT FOR OUR BABY." Crowd chants "It's Not Yours." A full minute has passed by now - finally, H approaches Stephanie...and lifts her up in a big hug. Wheeeeeee! And there's a smoocheroo. Play "My Time" again and settle in - 'cause this could turn out to be MONTHS and MONTHS of CRAP
The baby is Flair's, right? But then it turns out that Stephanie is ALSO Flair's child because he had an AFFAIR with Linda - then it turns out that Shane is doing Meghan Fleihr....but that's okay, 'cause Marissa Mazzola was sleeping with Vince. Also, the Cubs Fan sleeping with Tough Enough's Taylor. He didn't want you to know, though, so he's been telling everybody on Delphi he's been spending all that quality time with a stack of photos of Shawn Stasiak...and don't think they haven't been giving him queer looks for it! Meanwhile, Torrie Wilson has FINALLY accepted that her ultimate fate has always been in the arms of MiCasa, DISQO learns that everyone knows it was him all along, and doggone it, Barry Horowitz is STILL the master of mind games when it comes to Mike Enos and Barry Darsow. AND...that's the LAST time CRZ eats a "McRib" just before midnight. It affects his MIND
Kurt Angle 1-800-CAL-LATT ad #4
Now then, I think the more IMPORTANT question is...if the 99 Boyz are back and rollin' with Jack, does that mean the Meaty Cheesy Boys are out of the picture?
WWF PUPPIES CHAMPIONSHIP: TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL (8) (with Triple H carries ALL the luggage as he and Steffo leave) v. JAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ in a "we're gonna keep doing this match until Jazz wins" match - Oh, COME ON. (9) Hey, did you hear the news? Stephanie's PREGNANT! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new Women's champion - but who cares? Stephanie's PREGNANT! (Fishermanbuster -> pin 3:40)
UP NEXT: Stone Cold & the Rock vs. Chris Jericho & Undertaker!
STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN and THE ROCK (with WWF Shop Zone Dot Com presents No Way Out!) v. MR. JERICHO and AWESOMETAKER (on his Beautiful Bourget Python bike) - a fan jumps Jericho, and Jericho gets a few licks in after security subdues him. We're spared watching it when they cut the lights for Taker's entrance - hey, how come the Champ has to enter before Undertaker does? (10) 'cause Jericho don't have a RIDE. Taker and Jericho have a confab outside the ring - Rock and Austin decide to leave the ring and git it own over there instead. Austin takes Jericho while Rock works over Taker. Jericho flies over a set of STEEL steps and eats some chops while Rock puts Taker into a (standing on end) different set of steps. Austin rolls Jericho into the ring - kick, kick, chop, head to the buckle, chop, chop, head to the buckle, into the ropes, Jericho ducks the backhand, but falls into a spinebuster. Austin gets bleeped, then steps on Jericho's jimmy while referee "Blind" Earl Hebner's back is turned talking to Taker. Jericho into the corner, back to the other corner, back to the first corner but Jericho reverses - but Austin pops out with a clothesline. Cover - 2. Head to Rock's boot - there's the tag. Held open for a right - right, right, into the ropes head down, Jericho manages a kick. Jericho runs - Rock steps aside and runs him over the top to the outside. Rock asks Taker to "Just Bring It" but Taker stands fast. Taker slowly parts the ropes - as Jericho gets Rock from behind. Stomp, stomp, tag. Soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, back elbow, "don't piss me off" to Hebner. Rock fights back - right, right, right, Taker with a knee. Rock put into the ropes, ducks, flying clothesline off the ropes! Ducks a clothesline - death suplex on the Dead Man! Leg is hooked - 1, 2, no! Head to Austin's boot - tag to Austin! Right hand, right, right, right, what, what, what, into the ropes, head down, Taker with a forearm in the back. Soupbone. Into the ropes, reversed, Taker ducks, but falls into the Austin press - nine quick rights from the mount, Fuck You elbow off the ropes, leg is hooked - 2! Austin puts Taker in the ropes - no, reversal - Austin ducks, Austin ducks, Austin EATS the big boot. Taker tags out to Jericho. Jericho has Taker hold him up for an open right hand. Jericho kicks, kick, kick, blatant chokery, chop, chop, chop, chop, Austin reverses back - chop, chop, chop, knee, into the ropes is reversed - Jericho has the sleeper! Austin counters with a death suplex - both men are down. "Rock E!" Taker comes in with an elbowdrop before Austin can tag. Jericho drags him to the corner and tags in Taker - doubleteam stompdown. Taker signals to Jericho and tosses Austin through the ropes. While Jericho comes in and monopolises Hebner's attention, Taker works over Austin on the outside, culminating in a toss into the STEEL steps. Ha ha, Jericho is putting up his dukes and punching the air to goad the Rock! Taker grabs a mic cable and chokes away on Austin with it. Rock's had enough - running around the ring to Austin, forearm in the back, right, right, into the barricade. While Hebner chastises Rock, Taker puts Austin in for Jericho - small package - 1, 2, NO!! Clothesline by Jericho - and a "c'mon baby" pose for Rock to piss him off. Back to Austin - stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Jericho goes outside and wraps Austin's right arm around the post. Again. Back in - but Austin barrells him down - ten quick rights to the temple - into the corner, but Jericho sneaks out and Austin shoulders the post! Jericho distracts Hebner while Taker goes to work on the outside - onto the commentary table - soupbone, soupbone, WWF Shop Zone Dot Come replay. Back in - Jericho with a second rope forearm (rather blatantly signalled at that) and gets 2. Chop, right, chop, into the ropes, Austin hooks the ropes and Jericho's dropkick lands in an empty pool. WALLS OF AUSTIN!! But Taker comes in with one more cheap shot to break it up. Jericho claps the air and goes out of the ring. Taker with a stomp, cover, and 2. Snapmares him over - to a headlock - to a head vice (11) - now grinding his forearm into Austin's face - incidental 2 count. Crowd inexplicably chants "Rock E." Back to a chinlock. Stephanie's PREGNANT! Taker with a running boot - and another 2. Right back to the chinlock. Jericho eggs on the Stephanie's PREGNANT! Austin back to his feet - body shot - right, right, right, what, what, what, Taker pops him with a soupbone to take it back - into the ropes, Austin hooks the ropes as Taker's big boot finds nothin' - Austin runs in and it's a DOUBLE clothesline - both men are down. Jericho and Rock each reach for a tag...I have a funny feeling that JUST maybe, both men will get it. Jericho's in, ROCK'S IN! Clothesline by the Rock! Clothesline! Into the ropes, toss! Whip is reversed, Rock ducks the clothesline attempt, gutshot, DDT! Taker in - HE gets a right, right, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT! Those were some of the SHITTIEST slap punches EVER, by the way. Back to Jericho...runs into the spinebuster! SHARPSHOOTER! Will Jericho tap? Nope - Taker's back in with one more clothesline in the back. Austin back up - right, right, Taker is AGAIN over the top and onto the floor, but again landing on his feet. Jericho with a forearm to Austin - kicks him outside. Rock with a clothesline - and shoving Jericho over the top to the floor. Rock follows. Austin leaves Taker to join Rock in pinballing Jericho. Jericho thrown back in...but Taker grabs Austin before he can follow, and pulls him back out. Rock with a right on Jericho - Jericho tries a whip but Rock tries a clothesline - THAT'S ducked - Jericho with a double leg and the Walls of Jericho....AUSTIN back in - KICK WHAM STUNNER! Austin goes back to the corner so Hebner can count the Rock's cover - 1, 2, Taker pulls him out!! Austin over to Taker on the floor - right, chop, right, what, what, what, what, what, back in the ring Jericho takes ROCK BOTTOM! That's it FOR SURE - oops, there's no ref to notice that Rock has a leg hooked. Well, I don't know how Taker turned it around against Austin but he's at his bike - and removing a lead pipe. Back in and how do you like the pipe, Rock? I'm sure we'll get a big "ping" added for Thursday. Taker rousts Hebner (who for some reason was unconscious out on the floor) and puts him back in...as Jericho crawls to a cover. Austin and Taker fight on the ramp - Austin's too far away to stop the count - 1, 2, 3. (13:24) Taker's rather smug about the outcome - that, or the presence of the RAW Zone credits. WWF logo means WE'RE OUT...for 72, anyway.