I GET LETTERS: From my virtual next door neighbour Elisia Saam: Hey CRZ and Co.

Ok, this is such a chick thing to figure out, but given what we were told about Steph being 8 weeks along in her "pregnancy," that would mean that conception was mid-December and (assuming the writers carry this horrid storyline to term) that the baby is due in mid-September, just after LABOR DAY. *gag* Please don't tell me that the baby is going to be born live on RAW Labor Day night.

...to TERM? That's like a BONUS pun!

THIS JUST IN: KICU starts airing "Columbo" Mondays at 8 - beware! I may stop watching RAW

QUICK QUOTE: WWF 13.55 (- .13, last year: 15.36, two years ago: 11 15/16)

TONIGHT: Yeah, it's an all-Helmsley affair in the non-wrestling department tonight - also, Torrie takes on Stacy in a bikini match! Hopefully, there'll be more but you won't know for another thirteen minutes...

T(O)N(I)G(HT): "The Loss" - Troi loses her empathic abilities...but not her outstanding acting ability! (rimshot)

TV-14-DLV - CC - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

We open with...an ad for RAW? WHATEVER - one more "invitation" to view the renewal of wedding vows - oh boy

Opening Credits

PYRO AWAY and once again you know it's on - coming to you LIVE from the SOLD OUT Unnamed ASU Convocation Center in Unnamed Jonesboro, AR on the campus of the Arkansas State University 11.2.2, transmitido en espanol on THE NEW TNN (and TSN) and let us waste no time on our way to No Way Out...

TONIGHT: Torrie Wilson and Stacy Keibler collide in a bikini match!

There are PEOPLE in WWF New York!

AWESOMETAKER (on His Beautiful Bourget Python Bike) kicks it all off with a lap around the ring. Ah reckon he gots somethin' ta say! "Damn! That's what I call an ovation! You see, I didn't know what to expect...but I could tell you people really do appreciate the man who FINALLY shut the Rock's mouth." Much of the crowd turns on him here. "Now you see, that's more of the backwoods, unappreciative, disrespectful...response that I would get from a buncha hillbillys like you. You see, I didn't expect much from ya, because I learned a long time ago, don't look for much from people who have no reason to respect themselves. Now last Thursday on SmackDown!... ["Rock E!"] ...don't make me come out there. Thursday on SmackDown!, a man showed me no respect who has nothin' but respect for himself. That's right, The Rock. (clip starts, but Taker apparently doesn't notice) You know what - I'm not gonna waste any more of my time with you podunks, 'cause quite frankly, the smell is startin' to get to me. Look! You see that? The Rock...that was a shot of an unwarranted, unprovoked attack perpetrated on the Undertaker by the Rock. And I tell you what...it's one thing not showin' me my proper respect, but nobody, and I mean NOBODY disrespects me like that! Because if you DO disrespect me, if I can bring it up one more time, I will show you what will happen. (Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) Now THAT is what I call an ass kickin'! But see, it doesn't end right there, no no no no no. We're just now gettin' started. The beatings will continue until I teach Rock the word 'respect.' And believe me, believe me I am no Aretha Franklin, and I won't be singin' it. I will continue to beat the word 'respect' into the Rock's head...until he sings 'R-E-S-P-E-C-T / Taker, that's what you mean to me....'" "Woooo!" Here interrupts THE MAN. Brief staredown. "Excuse me. But I want to follow through on what you're talking about, because in my estimation, you may clearly be the most respected wrestler of all time. Not only in the ring, but in the dressing room. I'm sayin' that, and if I say it, it stands for everybody else, and clearly these fans over the years, whether they've liked ya, or not liked ya, have respected you for bein' the Undertaker, the Dead Man - but last Thursday night, to continue, you lost ALL our respect. You caused the Rock to have a grade one concussion, a serious neck injury - hell, you coulda ended his career!" Pause. "Who are you to tell me that you don't respect me?! Who in the hell are you?!" "I'm Ric Flair, 50% owner of this company, and I'm tellin' ya that!" "Well lemme tell you somethin', Mr. 50%. When the real owner, he gives me the word...I'm gon' bust your ass." "Well until that happens, I got some bad news for you. First part bein' that this Sunday at No Way Out, the Rock will be there, live and in person! And he told me, he's gonna bring everything he has for the Dead Man." "He's gonna be there." "Yeah. I got some more bad news for ya. TONIGHT - one on one - (struts) - haa - the Dead Man! The Phenom! The Undertaker! The American Badass! Is gonna wrestle here tonight....Stone Cold Steve Austin! Woooo!" Hit the music! NOW we're getting somewhere!

Chris Jericho is WALKING!

No Way Out NWO spot - "The End Is Here (Armageddon)" has been added as background music

Kurt Angle shills the 1-800-CAL-LATT WrestleMania Sweepstakes

Catch the WWF LIVE! Tomorrow, Little Rock! Saturday, Green Bay! Sunday is No Way Out in Milwaukee and it's SOLD OUT! Also SOLD OUT is RAW in Chicago! But tix are still available for Tuesday in Rockford!

TONIGHT: Stone Cold vs. Undertaker!

KING EDGE (with Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) v. MR. JERICHO in a nontitle match - Edge now sports a DDP rib tape job thanks to the internal injuries he suffered back on Thursday. Jericho doesn't get his posing routine done before Edge punks him out from behind. Through the ropes and out we go - Edge with rights aplenty, head to the steps, right, into the commentary table, more pounding, into the ring and let's ring the bell. Jericho manages an elbowdrop as Edge tries to come back in - Jericho taking over now, right, right, chop, chop, choke, into the ropes, Edge holds on - then clotheslines him down. Edge right, into the ropes, Jericho ducks, but Edge hits the Viscera. Half nelson bulldog - 1, 2, no! Edge clutches his ribs - Jericho rakes the face. Jericho to the right, chop, into the ropes, back elbow. Off the roeps with an elbowdrop. Kick in the ribs. Stomp. Scoop...and a backbreaker. "Jericho sux!" chant. Field goal kick. Another running field goal kick by the champ. Jericho stands on the neck. Right hand. Into the corner - Edge pops out and Jericho shoulders the post. Edge with a shoulderblock. Right, right, clothesline. Into the ropes is reversed, Jericho wants the dropkick but Edge turns it into a double leg...and WOW catapult! Edge-omatic gets 2. Into the ropes, head down, Jericho kicks, off the ropes with the "bulldog." Lionsault - MISSES! Jericho does a belly flop. Edge runs in...but Jericho puts him into the post. Double leg takedown...going for the Walls, but doesn't have it. Jericho reaches lower - low enough for Edge to roll him up, hooking both legs - 1, 2, NO!! Close one for Edge - ducks a swing, gutshot, wants the Edgecution but Jericho knee, knees out - then hangs him up on the top rope, right on the ribs. Jericho's done playing around...he goes outside and grabs one of his belts, smacking timekeeper MARK YEATON in the back of the head in the process...but when he comes back in, Edge hits the SPEAR! Edge grabs his ribs again and lays across Jericho - 1, 2, NO!! Jericho gives Edge the World championship title right in the ribs - somehow referee "Blind" Brian Webber missed it entirely despite looking right at it (a fact not lost on the commentators) - there's the Breakdown (Ross actually calls it the Breakdown! BRAVO!) and there's a 1, 2, 3. (3:57)

Mr. McMahon is WALKING! MICHAEL KING COLE happens to be nearby and asks him what brings him to Arkansas. "What brings me to Arkansas. Well, let's just say that uh, perhaps I'm fond of...hogs. You know, SWINE. Or or - maybe it's because I'm still a co-owner of the World Wrestling Federation and I like to take care of business, or - or maybe it's because I wanted to one last time witness 'before.'" "Before?" "Yeah. This is the last RAW before this Sunday's No Way Out - this is the last RAW before the NWO arrives this Sunday at No Way Out. There's a storm brewing, Michael. A perfect storm." Cole suggests perhaps he's here to walk his daughter down the aisle tonight? "Perhaps."

Stone Cold Steve Austin appears on Mad TV Saturday! Check your local listings because we can't say "Tune in to FOX" on TNN!

NWO spot - I wonder if they'll be more entertaining than these clips?

The WWF Rewind is brought to you by M&M's! From SmackDown!, Kurt Angle does some very bad things

Triple H reacts to his monitor. Probably thinking "WHY isn't this monitor working? WHY?" Stephanie makes her entrance and I lose interest in this segment...but she asks him to not go after Angle tonight; after all, she's fine and the baby is fine. H says he won't break his promise...but he does have something he's got to take care of.

No Way Out is available on DirecTV! Here's a DirecTV logo to remind you!

GOLDUST (with Let Us Take You Back One Week) v. RIKASHMONEY - say, didn't these guys draw the first two numbers in the Royal Rumble? (That was too long ago, I don't remember back that far.) Oh well. 'dust doesn't give 'kishi a chance to get ready - but he still manages "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine" to start, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed - butt butt by Goldust! Right by Goldust, right, whip is reversed - BELLY-to-belly blocked, bell clap, off the ropes with a clothesline! Wow, where'd he learn all these moves? Stomp. Drops down for the uppercut. Right hand, into the ropes is reversed, baaaack body drop by 'kishi. BIG clothesline. 'kishi drags him to the corner - it could be - it is - BAN - ZAI - OHHHHH BOTH LEGS UP that's gotta hurt. Goldust with two feet in the gut, whip into the corner, shoulderblock into the corner, another one...but now POINTS TO SELF has run out and climbed to the top...'dust turns around and eats a kick from the top rope - referee "Blind" Mike Sparks has no choice but to call for the bell (DQ 1:32) as the catfight is on - they roll around a bit, punches by each man, finally van Dam whips 'dust into a RIKISHIKICK! van Dam follows with a spin heel kick and Goldust decides to take a powder. Play van Dam's music!

The Stacker 2 Burn of the Week is brought to you by...yes, Stacker 2! From SmackDown! Mom and Dad take a look at an ultrasound - OOOH WHAT A BURN

Triple H is WALKING! Arn Anderson catches up to him and gives him some congratulations...and also hands him a FedEx that arrived at Flair's office. OH NO TRIPLE H IS GONNA BE FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRED

Meanwhile, JONATHAN COACHMAN stands with Stone Cold Steve Austin, who does a Ross Report - I mean Ross PEROT impersonation, actually says the verboten word "Jonesboro" several times, laments the fact that he's in a dry county but lists off the booze he'd bought ahead of time, then bottom lines it because he's got a man's ass to kick. Notable: Austin only says "what" five times in this interview...which is about TEN THOUSAND times less than the crowd does.

Hey, fear not - that live webcast of No Way Out is still available at wwf.com! Have your credit card ready!

Getcha a gander at the Arkansas State University Convocation Center parking lot! Oh wait, there's the building, too

The singers practice their singing as the minister reads the "Book of Vows" - sheesh, looks like a book with some masking tape on it...are they out of money already?

LEGITIMATE GODFATHER, WHATEVER (with eight - no, four legitimate escorts - and No Way Out at WWF New York ad) v. KURT ANGLE - Lawler laments the presence of "Godfather-lite" and both commentators start to bury the "escort service" idea with all the subtlety of the Comic Book Guy. Well, maybe somebody's got their finger on the pulse of the fandom after all...by which I mean me. CROW CROW CROW. Angle doesn't wait for the (ahem) escorts to leave before taking it to the Godfather - forearm in the back, right, right, right, right, right, right, kick, kick, stomp, stomp, into the ropes is reversed (WHY do they try the whip when they're in control? THAT DON'T WORK), Godfather with a knee. Godfather gets fired up! but looks to the women too long, and Angle clips him. Kicking the knee, kick, kick, kick, elbowdrop on the knee, dragging him to the post and wrapping the knee around it. Godfather is hobbling away - Angle retakes the leg - kicking the knee, kick, kick, elbowdrop on the knee, Anglelock. Well Angle pretty much picked him apart. (1:11) Two things accomplished - take Angle seriously, send Godfather packing? Angle returns to the anklelock until referee "Blind" Jimmy Korderas manages to make him relent - Angle scares HIM out of the ring, then goes back to Godfather until he manages to roll out of the ring. Angle gets THE STICK! "Triple H - tonight's supposed to be your SPECIAL night. Well that's fine! Personally, I think that Stephanie can do much better. Whatever. I'm out here tonight to make a personal vow of my own. Triple H...I, Kurt Angle, hereby take this match at No Way Out to kick your BUTT - to make you tap - to take your WrestleMania title shot - and to go on to become the Undisputed champion - in sickness and in health - as long as we both shall live - amen." Play his music again!

Undertaker is WALKING!

NWO spot

Angle 1-800-CAL-LATT ad #2

New Tough Enough 2 ad shows Al Snow giving a trashcan shot to a guy on the podium at the Olympics...or something

Back to the dressing room, where Stephanie is fussed over by the hair, makeup, wardrobe folks, TV-14-DLV and CC boxes. Triple H comes in and asks for a moment alone with his wife...oh, and the guy with the camera. Then he gives her a big-ass ring.

AWESOMETAKER (walks out this time, with RAW credits & transmitido en espanol SAP, and what the heck, why not show the TV-14-DLV & CC boxes one more time - AND WWF Shop Zone Dot Com presents No Way Out in only SIX days!) v. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN - Austin barely emerges from behind the curtains when MR. JERICHO shows up to punk him out from behind - repeated blows to the back, kicks, and forearms until the gaggle of REFS get him separated...Jericho almost pushing Korderas off the stage in the process (ha!). Do you take Jericho seriously yet? Taker decides he'd better go outside and grab Austin himself - Austin falls back to the ramp. Taker brings him up for a soupbone down. Soupbone! Soupbone to the gut, soupbone, soupbone to the head. Choke with the shirt. Taker puts Austin in the ring but stays on the floor to work the choke. Finally, the shirt is removed from around Austin's neck and referee "Blind" Earl Hebner rings the bell. Taker still in control - stomp, stomp. Stood up in the corner - back elbow, kick, soupbone. Taker outside - soupbone - choke on the bottom rope - Hebner comes outside to try to convince him to relent - Taker starts a slow chase...but decides to goes back in the ring and stick with Austin. Oops, took too long - Austin comes back - right, right, right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, Taker ducks, but Austin hits the Austin press! About thirteen quick rights - off the ropes with the Fuck You elbow. Forearm in the back - into the ropes, Taker ducks, Taker comes back with the flying clothesline! Running clothesline puts Austin on the outside...and Taker follows. Soupbone. Knee in the gut, knee. Taker pulls him to the middle - back to the STEEL steps, but Austin reverses and Taker collides into the steps, going all the way over! Austin stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp. Two birds for Hebner - wants a whip, but Taker manages to reverse and Austin goes over the barrier to the floor. Taker also over the barrier - big forearm across the chest and Austin's got nowhere to go. Elbow to the back of the head. Taker opens up as many orifices in Austin's face as he can grab. Unkind motion to the crowd, then clotheslining Austin back over the barricade to the floor. Austin tries to escape, but Taker catches up - BIG BACK RAKE! The Hogan influence has started, folks! Austin rolled back in - Taker still in control. Stomp. Cover - 1, 2, no. Taker gets to grinding his forearm in Austin's face. Stomp. Stomp. Taker discourages the "Aus Tin" chant...or is he ENCOURAGING it? Into the corner, whip out, Austin hits hard, caught in the choke...will he? No, he scoops him up on his shoulder instead...but Austin evades the tombstone by going down the back - ducks the swing, KICK WHAM STUNNER! Taker's rolled near the ropes, though, and Austin is slow to cover - and it's all a moot point anyway as MR. JERICHO is back through the crowd to give it to Austin one more time (DQ 4:49) After a big-time stompdown, Jericho leaves the ring only to emerge with a title belt - Austin ducks, though, and gives Jericho a spinebuster! But Taker is back up and delivers the big boot. Austin goes back to punishing Austin's back and ribs...then waits for him to get up while brandishing the WWF title belt - WHACK! Jericho goes back outside and grabs the Stone Cold Cooler. Jericho swigs a Bud...then CLOCKS Austin with it! Jericho with another beer - swig, spit, BAM! Jericho removes four beers, then closes the cooler - HE HITS HIM WITH THE COOLER! Cooler spills ice, water and beers all over the canvas, adding to the visual impact of the blow. Jericho with a two beer salute, spitting on him, tossing a can at him, then pouring a beer on him. Awesome segment for Jericho....man, NOW do you take Jericho seriously? Well, Ross doesn't. "Oh, Jericho...you're in trouble now! You're in trouble, champ! ...I want to marry Stone Cold Steve Austin!"

Tazz shills Stacker 2

WWF Live event list #2

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - different angles of both of Jericho's attacks on Austin

During the Break, Jericho made a break for it, getting into a limousine and speeding away

Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY & JERRY. The graphic don't lie - Jericho vs. Austin for the title at No Way Out!

BOOKER TIO (with NarcissiTEST - and Let Us Take You Back to Heat) v. TAZZZZZZZZZZZ (with Spike Dudley) - Test gave Spike the big boot Sunday, thus this match tonight...and, most likely, the involvement of T&T in a tag team title defense this Sunday - what's that? A Triple Threat? Yeah, I could see that. Test wants to express his immunity, but T tells him he can handle Tazz on his own. Amazingly, it looks like the canvas doesn't have too much water left on it from the cooler attack - we'll see if they slip or not. Staredown to start. Lotsa talking - finally, T unloads with a gutshot, chop, right, overhand punch, pounding on the back (4), big ol' stomps (9), then chasing away referee "Blind" Chad Patton. Took too long - Tazz reverses - six punches, but T goes to the face to break it. Into the ropes, clothesline by T. Cover, 1, 2, no. "Getchyo ass up!" Tazz fights out of the facelock with a right, right, right, T-bone Tazzplex. Tazz with a clothesline. Head and arm Tazzplex. 1, 2, no. T sent into the ropes, but he reverses into a back elbow, gutshot, off the ropes with the axe kick...wait, I think his hand is talking to him - going down, there's a breakdance back up...wants the Book End...shouldn't be talking to Test, though - Tazz slips behind and clamps on the Tazzmission! Test seems ready to come in - so Spike comes in to try to head him off - unfortunately, all Patton sees is Spike - in the process of trying to get HIM to go outside, T's trick knee acts up, Test gives Tazz the Wotsitolla Boot, and while Test pulls Spike out onto the floor from inside the ring, T covers for the 1, 2, 3. (2:14) T&T chase off Patton - T poses on the ropes while Spike tries to jump on Test's back - Test throws him over and gives HIM a Wotsitolla Boot. Play TEST'S music!

To WWF New York we go, where the DUDLEY BOYZ are standing on the tables. "Our thoughts? Our thoughts are simple. Stacy Keibler embarrassed Torrie Wilson last Thursday night on SmackDown! And now tonight, you have her in a bikini match against Torrie? All she's gonna do is futher embarrass her, and show Torrie Wilson just why she is the Duchess of Dudleyville!" "This is what I wanna know, JR - how come the Dudley Boyz haven't been given the tag team title rematch that they deserve at No Way Out? Tazz & Spike shouldn't worry too much about Booker T & Test - what they need to do is sleep with one eye open, and worry about the most dangerous tag team that ever walked the planet - the Dudley Boyz." "Oh my brother, testify!"

UP NEXT: Torrie - Stacy - bikini - another easy segment for me! Lawler: "Oh, JR - you think one of those bikinis might come off?" Me: "I bet YOU come off."

NWO spot #31623

Angle 1-800-CAL-LATT ad #3

Another look at Rob Zombie's "Sinister Urge" CD, of which the track "Feel So Numb" is the No Way Out theme song.

Another DirecTV reminder

STACY KEIBLER (with Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! - and tonight, RAW is brought to you by "The New Guy," Skittles, and Hungry-Man dinners!) v. TORRIE SAMUDA - Keibler has opted for the yellow number with...roses? Torrie goes for the Pamela Paulshock blue number. Lawler lets us know just how hard his dick is. Stacy Keibler does her Rick Martel impersonation, cartwheeling out of a whip attempt. They attempt a truly awful near fall sequence, most of them completely missing, but referee "Blind" Jack Doan dutifully makes the 2 counts anyway - no doubt because he's not exactly checking out their shoulders, heh heh heh. They end up rolling over him as well - probably the only perk to come out of wearing the zebra shirt. Hey, when Lawler says things like "My Crouching Tiger has become a Hidden Dragon," does he even *realise* that THAT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING SENSE? Anyway, if you cared, match sees Stacy win...but the REAL winners are the kiss my ass! (Shitty rollup -> pin 1:18) Yeah, we sure need to look at Lawler again. How come nobody lobbies hard to bring in IRON MIKE TENAY?

Back to Stephanie, admiring her ring. She's forlorn that her dad's probably not gonna walk her down the aisle. H tells her that tonight isn't about her father, it's about them - him and her - and the baby. They lock lips...not noticing the cameraman getting closer and closer and closer and

Q: Hey, how can you tell it's Sweeps month? A: SmackDown! ad during RAW It'll be the HAPPIEST, CRAPPIEST VALENTINE'S DAY EVER

NWO spot - the end is (almost) here

GOLLY! Mr. Perfect cheats at chess! "You lost! You're a loser! I won! I'm perfect! I'm MR. Perfect! Hahahahahaha!" They took him off the air for weeks to film THIS?

POINTS TO SELF (with Earlier Tonight) v. CHRISTIAN - BREAKING POINT are in the crowd - they play that Rob van Dam music all the kids are so crazy about - no, wait, that would be Kilgore...or was it Pantera. Shucks. Anyway, Christian doesn't wait for van Dam's entrance to end before rushing the ring - saving WWFE a couple thou in the process, no doubt - and striking down van Dam while he's posing in a corner. Right, right, right, kick, kick, kick, kick, standing on the neck. Right. Right. Into the opposite corner...but van Dam gets the elbow up - reversed in the corner, van Dam with an elbow, headbutt, headbutt, superfluous backflip - Christian tries to leap over the headbutt to come but van Dam just stops and points to himself instead. Christian runs in and eats a spin heel kick. Christian manages to pull van Dam into the corner, into the post. Hangs him out to dry on the top rope. Right hand. Right. Off the ropes, shoving him to the barricade and floor. Referee "Blind" Teddy Long has a few words with him, but Christian goes outside anyway. Head to the STEEL steps. Christian points to himself! van Dam rolled back in before Long gets to 5 - Christian with a stomp, stom, pointing to himself again (!) - van Dam with a gutshot - another right in the gut - Christian rakes the face to halt the momentum. Stood up in the corner, Christian right, right, choke for 4. Into the opposite corner, van Dam springs to the top and lands a moonsault - for 2! Christian pops right up with a clothesline. Choke. Right, right, right, right. WWF Shop Zone dot com replay of the moonsault as Christian gets 2. van Dam shot into the ropes, BIG powerslam by Christian gets...2. Christian clamps on the headlock. For variety, he moves to the chinlock, adding a gouge for 4. Back to the chinlock with a knee in the back as well. Crowd comes alive for van Dam as he tries to work his way back to his feet - but Christian pounds the back instead. Big field goal kick and van Dam's feeling it. Christian with a choke on the second rope. Snapmares him over - and back to the headlock. I was just thinking...this is probably our wrestling main event! Wonder how the crowd feels about that - or if they'll even realise it before they go home. van Dam's finally back to his feet and delivering elbows - three breaks it up - elbow, elbow, Christian with a knee, right, into the ropes, van Dam ducks, almost slips but still manages the heel kick. Front kick, elbow, opposite corner whip, monkey flip out. Fireman's carry...into a Fit Finlay forward roll slam, following through into a moonsault off the second rope (overshoots him but pretends he didn't) - and gets 2! van Dam catches a kick and hits the Stepover Heel Kick. Wants Rolling Thunder off the ropes but Christian puts up the knees! Quick hook of the leg - 2 for Christian! van Dam ducks a kick - Christian wants the Slop Drop - van Dam with shots to the head to break up the attempt - Christian catches the kick - DUCKS the enzuigiri - DOES hit the reverse DDT - 1, 2 NO!! Christian takes serious issue with the count - Long makes a great face and holds up two fingers. Christian falls into full-on tantrum mode, humping the mat, turning over the flailing on the mat...until van Dam flies in from the top with a Fivestar frog splash! 1, 2, 3! (6:29) Dig that replay. van Dam's trip up the aisle is cut short when the Golden One appears on the EntertainmentTron. "RVDee-eee! I'm heeere! Well done, Rob. It's that kind of reckless abandonment that has made you such a star. It's why everyone's talking about YOU when they should be talking about ME. And while what you did to me before was an impressive matinee, at No Way Out, be prepared for the Feature Presentation - it's the role of a lifetime, Robbie Boy...you, standing toe to toe, nose to nose, face to face...with the one man whose name you will NEVER forget - (inhales) Goldust." van Dam can only make MEAN faces at the screen in return. Grrrrr! I'm Rob van Dam! Grrrrr!

Arn Anderson visits Triple H - Linda McMahon's been calling Flair's office, trying to reach him (H) - maybe he'd better give her a call. H thanks him and says he'll do it right away.

No Way Out ad

Angle 1-800-CAL-LATT ad #4

When we come back, H is on the phone - he wishes she'd been there for their special night. Oh man, Linda's on the MAGIC phone that you and I can hear! "I'm sorry, too - under the right circumstances, Hunter, you know, I would have been there, but... Look, Hunter, that's not why I called. I've got something important that I have to tell you." "Well, go ahead and shoot, Linda." "Well...have you seen the FedEx package that I sent to you? There is a videotape in there - I don't know who sent it to me, but when I looked at it, I forwarded it right to you." "Yeah, hold on, I've got the package right here. Yeah, videotape inside." "Good. Is there a VCR anywhere close to you?" "Yeah, I've got one right here. Hold on. I'll put it in right now. I'm puttin' it in the VCR right now, Linda." "Hunter, look. On that tape - that guy's not a doctor; he's an actor." "What are you talkin' about, he's not a doctor? Of course he is." We hear a travel agent advert with a guy saying "smashing" a lot and giving out (I believe) a UK phone number. "Oh my God." "Hunter, I am SO sorry - Stephanie's been lying to you, she was never pregnant." "She's NOT pregnant." "No." "...unbelievable." "...I am truly sorry." "Yeah, Linda....I'm sorry, too. I'm real sorry." He hangs up, and we take a long, loving look as his forehead fills the entire top half of the screen (wow, talk about framing!)

Meanwhile, Stephanie shows off her breasts - I mean, dress. She thanks the couple in advance for singing tonight, oh and she's pregnant, and...we zoom out to see Vince (in tux) standing behind her. He makes the "take off" thumb and they leave Stephanie alone with him. "Hi, Dad." "You look nice." "So do you." "And um - just for the record, I'm not gonna forget that you tried to put me out of business...I'm not gonna forget the fact that you said you wanted to WATCH ME DIE...but I WILL forgive. Because down deep, I know that you're really a McMahon. And I know that, no matter what, I know that you're Daddy's Little Girl, so yes, I will walk you down the aisle tonight." "Oh, Dad, oh Dad....oh, this is the happiest night of my life, thank you Daddy, oh, thank you thank you. Howard Finkel interrupts. "Mr. McMahon! Mr. McMahon, excuse me! I need to talk to you right away, please! I need to talk to you." "Get the hell out of here, can't you see I'm reconciling with my--" "I've got news for you, Mr. McMahon." "I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT YOUR NEWS IS, I'm reconciling with my daughter! Get outta my sight, and you tell everybody else to stay the hell out of my sight as well." "GET OUT!" "Nothing can stop me from walking my baby girl down that aisle." "Thank you, Daddy - you really are my hero." Vince makes the evil smile face.

Hey, one more ad break here

So wait....are Vince and Linda talking to each other or NOT?

THE NEW MAN seems rather jovial as he walks out to the ring decked out in tux, bow tie and boutonniere - still, he seems kinda lost without a big thing of water to swig and pour on himself and spit out and stuff. Out comes STEFFO on the arm BILLIONAIRE VINCE as wedding-like organ music plays. The MINISTER gets about thirty seconds of his speil down before the crowd gets bored and starts filling pauses with "What?" Vince interrupts. "This is a solemn ceremony - I would simply act for just the slightest bit of respect, please!" Crowd fails to comply - I think Vince did more harm than good with that ad-lib. Minister tries not to pause - it doesn't matter. And now THE SINGING COUPLE sings the same song that was sung at the wedding. Crowd wants the payoff and boos loudly enough that the singers lose track of the tempo - and occasionally their perfect pitch. Of course, by now all the crowd mics have been turned off. H does his best to keep us interested with enigmatic reactions to Stephanie's beaming smile as well as knowing looks to no one in particular. You know, I think this song gets longer every time I hear it! Lawler completely fails to shut up - still, you can't blame him, though, when he says "...and it just keeps going on!" And now the minister keeps talking...crowd says "What?" They've written personal vows to each other, we are told. Vince and the minister try to get some silence out of the crowd so we can hear Stephanie's vows. "Hunter, I take thee as my husband...again. And I wanted to do it in front of the entire world, because...I want to share how I felt about you since the first moment I laid eyes on you, and how I feel about you right now. (Sprinkle "Whats" as necessary) Your smile lights up my heart. Your touch makes me feel safe and secure. And your words give me encouragement. And when I speak, I know that you're truly listening, because you're the only one who ever really hears me. And Hunter, I believe that we were destined to be together, because I really feel blessed. And no other words could sum up how I feel besides 'I love you.'" "Thank you, Stephanie. And now, I welcome Hunter to share his personal vows to Stephanie." Crowd FINALLY perks up. H turns his head to raucous applause. "God...that was so beautiful, Steph. I'm overwhelmed, really, and...you know, I, too, wanna stand here in front of the world, and tell you how I feel about you....tell you how I felt about you since the moment I saw you....and tell you how I feel about you right...now. You see, Steph, we've been together for a little over two years, and sure, we've had our ups and our downs, but despite all of that....last week, when you told me that I was gonna be a father...it was the greatest moment of my life. The emotion that I felt was unbelievable. And since that day...I've looked at you in a different way. When I look at you, I see you not just...not just as my loving wife, but I see you as the mother of my child. When your wife is pregnant, you love her more. And, today, standing here in front of the world in this ring, after hearing the beautiful words that you say, I see you in a different light again. You see, tonight I see you...not just, not just as my loving wife....not as the mother of my child, but....." SAY IT ALREADY "Stephanie, as I look into your eyes, tonight, I see you for what you truly are........a no good LYING BITCH! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS? How could you do this to me? You wanted this SO bad that you would lie, that you would use my emotions against me? You wanted this SO bad that you would hire an actor to play a doctor, and that you would show me a picture of our unborn child? Steph, I have done some pretty bad things in my life - I admit it, I'm an asshole - but even *I* would not go this low. You DISGUST me. You care about nothing but yourself, you never gave a crap about us, it was always about you. Well, I'll tell you what - you don't have to worry about us any longer. Because...as of this moment, Stephanie, our marriage...IT'S OVER. WE - ARE - THROUGH." Vince gives him a shove and starts shouting - so H decks him. Off comes the jacket, and H trashes the setup. Vince is back up - H with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine", right, right, gutshot, setup for the Pedigree - they completely mistime it but H covers as if Vince was trying to get out of it, picks him up, and delivers the Pedigree proper. Off comes the shirt! Stephanie gets in his face - until he piefaces HER, shoving her to the mat. Stephanie would flop around like a dead fish but for her heroic attempts to keep her skirt down. H makes a big show of removing his wedding band...and dropping it on Stephanie. Play his music! Stephanie makes funny - I mean, SCARY faces as the Raw Zone credits mercifully take us to the WWF logo... and out.

Well, I guess we could say that was an abortion...and on at least two different levels, wot?

[slash] wrestling

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