QUICK QUOTE: WWF 14.36 (+ .46, last year: 13.30, two years ago: 13 1/2)

TONIGHT: A member of the NWO is in action! Which one? We don't know! Against who? We don't know! Well, what we DO know is that Triple H and Kurt Angle will battle within the confines of the unforgiving STEEL cage! Do join us!

T(O)N(I)G(HT): "The Mind's Eye" is actually a pretty good yarn - it's also fun to hear Denise Crosby's voice in the shadows a few episodes before she's revealed in the SHOCKING season-ending cliffhanger....which turned out to suck, but oh well. Anyway, it's lots of fun to see Geordi harass O'Brien the entire episode with no apologies or NOTHIN' at the end.

TV-14-DLV - CC - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

We open - it's Muggin' Vince with a special announcement! "May I have your attention please! Oh, may I have your attention. Ric Flair will not be here tonight. Due to, uh, circumstances beyond Mr. Flair's control. Therefore, tonight's edition of RAW has been dubbed by me to be 'Fan Appreciation NIGHT!' And during Fan Appreciation NIGHT you'll see a fifteen foot high steel cage match in which Kurt Angle will be squaring off against Triple H. RAW tonight returns to a state...of normalcy!" Then Vince makes a DDP face

Opening Credits - does "Normalcy" mean "return to 4.4 second hours" ah ha ha ha

PYRO AWAY and once again we're off - coming to you LIVE from the Unnamed Arena (which I presume to be the Frank Erwin Center) in the great state capital of Austin, TX (HELLOOOOOO Chrispy) 4.3.2 and also from WWF New York and TNN and TSN are probably involved and

TONIGHT: Somebody in the NWO will do something! Yes!

TONIGHT: Triple H vs. Kurt Angle in a steel cage! Why? Why NOT?

STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN JERKS THE CURTAIN v. BOOKER TIO - Damn, this is like one of my big dream matchups and it opens the show? Maybe it's "CRZ Appreciation NIGHT!" Did these two ever tie it up back when Booker was doing WCW run-ins and injuring him for months at a time? Come to think of it, isn't it sad that I should be able to remember whether something happened or not nine months ago? It just all runs together for me these days. Well, here we go. Lockup - to the corner, T reverses positions, Austin switches back, lots of scuffling - referee "Blind" Tim White has trouble getting between them for the break - T with a right, Austin with a right, T, Austin, Austin, T put into the ropes, big whip spinebuster by Austin, Fuck You elbow, head to the buckle, chop, chop, chop, chop, into the ropes, knee in the gut. Oops, that was the injured (and heavily wrapped knee) and now Austin is limping. Stomp. Head to the buckle. Chop. T with the eyepoke to turn it around. Right, chop, right, chop, right, chop. Words for White. Whip into the corner is reversed, but T connects with a back elbow and Austin does the Michaelsesque "backwards roll over my neck" sell. T with a double sledge. Picks him up, chop, right, chop, right, right, kick, kick, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. I think T's been spending too much time with Test. Picks him up - snapmares him over (ooh, with Austin's bad neck?) and clamps on the headlock...ah, hell, the NWO is out - T quickly makes a break for it as the three swarm on Austin - Austin DOES manage a spear takedown on Hall and some piston rights but Nash and Hogan quickly take over on him. Hall goes outside, finds the trusty toolbox, and picks out a "wrench." Back in and Hall waffles him, completely bending the wrench in the process - which he bends back (oops - guess we won't get a replay of THAT), then drops down to give Austin what for in the verbal sense. Austin's gone for the blade. Crowd is so shocked with what Hall did that they chant "Hogan sux." Austin pulls himself up - right from Hall. Repeat with Hogan. Repeat with Nash. Austin decides maybe he'd better stay put - no, he's pulling himself up again...so Hall decks him again. Hogan picks him up for a right. Hey, I bet Nash is next...ayup. Ross has now said "bleedin' like a hog" three times. "You wanna know WHAT? NWO THAT'S WHAT" and Hall punches him again. "You want some of me? You got it! WrestleMania! You're mine! Get up!" Austin fails to get up, so Hall stomps on him. Stomp. Hall picks him up for another right. Nash with a right, punctuated by him saying "Daaaaaa" or something like that. Man Nash looks goofy. Hall drops down again, then stands back up to do the "mememe" dance. Looks like they're going to leave him laying - Hall stopping to stand over Austin's corpse and strike a pose. Hogan presents Hall with what's left of the wrench - no wait, Hall runs back into the ring, grabs Austin and gives him another right hand. Austin's bleeding like a champ - Hall drops down for a choke. Hall picks him up - KICK WHAM STUNNER by Hall. Now Hall leaves again, but leans back in to talk some more trash. Austin is dripping blood as we head to the break.

Hmm, no final bell. Let's cut off the time at the run-in and call it (No contest? 2:24?)

Sometimes you guys really miss out by not experiencing this show on my cable system. This Surplus Computers ad featuring a WAY too enthusiastic Bubba Paris (in funky sweater) is the FREAKIEST

Coming back LIVE!, Austin is crawling about and refusing all help from the EMTs and refs - crowd chants "Austin" but it ain't helping much. I suppose it's possible Austin is worried that the NWO might try to ram his ambulance with a semi...nahhhhh Finally, Austin allows White to help him, then shrugs him off to stagger backstage on his lonesome, going alongside the ramp instead of up it.

A brief look at our hosts, then we move straight into

SCOTTY 2 HOTTY & ALBERT 2...ALBERT (with RAW is brought to you by Burger King, truth, and 1-800-CAL-LATT) v. THE NARCISSIteST and... - you know, just splicing an old intro onto new music didn't work for Diamond Dallas Page back in WCW either, so WHY would you think that it would work NOW for Test? Hide your children, Test has THE STICK: "Since it's uh, Fan Appreciation Night, and I appreciate you all...so...so much (pfffgiggle) - I thought I'd treat y'all to a little tag team match tonight. Now since my partner is usually Booker T - and we all know Book was a little busy tonight, so I thought I'd go out and find the 'perfect' replacement. Get It? I didn't think so, since I'm in Texas, my partner, MR. PERFECT!" Too bad the music started up before he could finish his intro - or IS it too bad? Albert and Perfect lock it up - side headlock from Perfect, Albert powers out, shoulderblock. Scoops him up - slams him down. Into the corner - elbow up by Perfect on the charge, then directs referee "Blind" Brian Hebner to look at Scotty while Test runs the apron to give Albert a clothesline. No tag as Test is in - head to the buckle, right, back elbow, right, right, right, right, kick, kick, threatning glance at the referee (IMMUNITY!), into the opposite corner, follow lariat, back to the first corner, follow lariat, pulled into a short clothesline. Tag. Hebner very audibly says "two minutes, two minutes...two minutes," so I guess we got about two more minutes here. Kick by Perfect. Wants the Perfectplex but Albert blocks, then unleashes the scariest looking gourdbuster this side of...somebody...who does a scary looking gourdbuster. Wow, I'm just mailing it in. Albert makes the tag - block by Scotty, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversal, Scotty with a flying clothesline. Test in, Scotty ducks the clothesline and hits a superkick. Albert whips Perfect into Test, Scotty climbs on the back, Albert makes a train noise and hits the avalanche on the pile. Yikes. Albert puts Perfect over the top to the outside - scoops him up, but Perfect breaks free and puts Albert hard into the post. Meanwhile, Scotty and Test, who have been doing NOTHING in the ring all this time, finally get cracking when Scotty hits his "bulldog," does the little dance, makes a little love, hits the karate chop, then falls to a surprise gutshot and Perfectplex and 1, 2, 3 - see, Perfect was the legal man and...nah, I don't know either. I'm very disappointed because at (2:19), this match only went about 1:20 after Hebner said "two minutes" - oh wait, maybe there's some post-match shenanigans going on here and I should be watching. Perfect stomp, stomp, stomp, Albert in with a right, into the ropes, clothesline by Albert - ducks the big boot from Test and puts Test down. Perfect into the corner, yaaaaaavalanche, but Test DOES hit the Wotsitolla Boot on Albert. Crowd gets really excited - ahh, RIKASHMONEY is out to turn it back around for the forces of good. Ducks a clothesline from Test - Rikishikick on Test, Perfect finally flumps down, so 'kishi gives him the stinkface. Play his music! Scotty slaps him as he leaves - 'kishi back in - is this a staredown? No, it's a big hug...which the cameras miss. And then nobody dances! What kind of world do we live in, anyway?

JONATHAN COACHMAN stands backstage with Angle. All he's got to say is-- "Whoa whoa whoa - who cares what you have to say? All I'VE gotta say is, thank God for Fan Appreciation Night! Because I am a fan. And I sure as H-E-double-hockey-sticks appreciated watchin' Stone Cold Steve Austin get his butt handed to him. What? And I appreciate Mr. McMahon makin' this steel cage match tonight against me, between me and Triple H. And Triple H, you didn't beat me last week on SmackDown!, oh no. I had you beat until that freak Kane hit me in the head with a chair. You got really lucky, Triple H - but tonight, in a steel cage, your luck is about to run out - oh, good one, Angle - because tonight, you're in big trouble, mister. Because while you're gonna be worrying about your WrestleMania title shot that you don't deserve...what you need to be worrying about is me! Why? Because I am more dangerous than you can possibly imagine. Think about it, Triple H. I'm a man with nothin' to lose." Umm, so the title shot isn't on the line again? Just when you think you've gotten the handle on WWF logic... wait, that means Angle's gonna win tonight, right? Since nothing's on the line...?

Big Show (and Kenny Wallace and Elliot Sadler) shill Stacker 2 - this ad is Big All Over

And now, the Lugz Boot of the Week! From SmackDown!, Goldust sneaks up and takes the hardcore title from Maven. Presumably he uses his boot....umm...to....nah, I don't think he does. Hey was that Dean Malenko scuttling away in the background?

GOLDUST is already in the ring when we come back, to be interviewed by LILIAN GARCIA. (Wow, OLD SKOOL!!) She brings up the "once-forgotten 24/7 rule" and asks if he feels like he honestly deserves the-- whoops, he just swiped the mic from her. "Deserve? Deserve ain't got nothin' to do with it. - Clint Eastwood, Unforgiven, 1992. The fact is young, poor Maven, just like all these people, are poor, naive simpletons. 24/7 has always existed, but nobody was stupid enough to attack the Undertaker, just like nobody is going to be stupid enough to attack the hardcore man of the all...ffffff....Goldust." Oops, some music is already interrupting him...

WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: GOLDUST (already in the ring) v. TAZZZZZZZZZZZZ (with referee "Blind" Jacqueline) - Tazz duck, right, right, whip is reversed, duck, T-bone Tazzplex and Goldust goes outside. Tazz follows as Goldust goes under the ring - fire extinguisher in the gut by Goldust. Uppercut. Back in the ring we go - right hand, into the ropes, buttbutt. Overhand looping right. Right. Right. Pose. Tazz responds with a kick in the nuts. That'll work. Clothesline by Tazz. In the corner, kick, kick, kick, whip into the opposite corner is reversed, and Goldust hits a clothesline. Into Shattered Dreams position, right, right, back outside for more weaponry - umm, his nuts are RIGHT THERE, Goldie. Can in, lid in, Goldust in, there IS the Shattered Dreams. Yet Tazz comes right back with a kick - kick - Goldust grabs the can, Tazz kicks IT into his face. Grabs the lid - Tazz ducks (or is short, take your pick) Goldust's swing and clamps on the Tazzmission! Goldust makes a desperate swing behind him, connects twice (allegedly) and falls backwards on Tazz for 1, 2, 3. (In Modesto, it's strictly for the 2:09)

In Austin's dressing room, Hall cracks open the Steveweisers and... hands them off. "Welcome to Stone Cold's bar, what can I get for you?" After some big swigs from Hogan and Nash, Nash does one of those Kunze style "I love shoot comments that aren't supposed to be shoot comments" with "I'm gettin' a little bored." They decide to take a little stroll. Add this to Hogan's list of failed catchphrases: "Bow down when the NWO's comin' to your town (it rhymes!)"

WrestleMania ad - Hogan/Rock hyped

Yo! The "WWF Flashback: WrestleMania's Greatest Hits" program will air next Tuesday on TNN!

Catch the WWF Live! Thursday is SmackDown! in San Antonio and it's SOLD OUT! Saturday is Kalamazoo, Sunday Ft. Wayne, RAW is Detroit and Tuesday is Cleveland!

Look! It's the governor's house! It's the....place!

Coachman stands with Rob van Dam as we return. Let Us Take You Back One Week and show you how he won the IC title shot at WrestleMania. He promises to hit Regal with the "Five Star Splash" and the new intercontinental champion will be...and then he points to himself. Lance Storm walks in at this point and says van Dam got lucky last night on Heat, but during the rematch tonight, he won't take him lightly...he'll take him very seriously. "A little too seriously if you ask me, Lance. You know, all that built up tension, that's not healthy. What you need to do is lighten up." "Lighten up, relax, that's your big secret? Just need to lighten up?" SLAP! "That light enough for ya, Rob?" van Dam runs a veritable gamut of emotions in his facial expressions - stinging pain, fighting back tears...then back to normal. "That's cool, Lance. We'll settle this in the ring, huh?" Storm sets HIS face to "stymied."

Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY & JERRY - and somehow talk shifts from this upcoming match... to Christian...

Let Us Take You Back One Week as Page talks Christian out of quitting and gets him to...smile

Coming back LIVE! Page gets Christian to smile. "I feel like an idiot!" "You don't look like one!" "No?" Page painfully works in a catchphrase, then tells Christian is doing so well, they're going to pass Phase One and go staright to Phase Two. "Repeat after me - I like me." "I like me." "I'm a good person." "I'm a good person!" "I'm a REALLY good person." "I'm a--" he stops to answer his phone. "We're in the middle of a session!" "What the hell is this...yeah? Well is there any question? Pull the damn plug! Yeah, the faster she goes, the faster I cash in, cha-ching! Yeah, call me back. Idiot. Grandma Edna, she's about to bite it. She got a sweet will, don't worry about it. Anyways, where were we - oh yeah. I'm a REALLY great person--" "Bro bro bro. Maybe we oughta go back to Phase One." Then he makes a funny face and sighs. Are you entertained?

The NWO are WALKING! Add this to Hogan's list of failed catchphrases: "Hall 3:17" Spying a stagehand in an Austin T-shirt, Hall shoves him into some clangy poles, then rips off his shirt. Hogan and Nash pull him off...then tell him that while his back was turned, he flipped him off. Hahaha, that's pretty funny actually. Hall goes back to work on him, then Hogan and Nash upend a rack full of empty crates on top of him. Hogan tells him to bow down when Scott Hall comes to his town. Keep working it, Hogan. Keep working it.

Oops, I guess Drowning Pool is out - we are now looking at the Saliva CD! "Superstar" is - oh wait, it's "just one of the WrestleMania theme songs." WRESTLEMANIA IS TOO BIG FOR JUST ONE SONG

Look! WWF New York!

Inside is LEGITIMATE GODFATHER, and THERE is your dancing for the night.

WWF WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP: TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL (with "WWF Divas: SEX on the Beach" ad - it airs next Wednesday on UPN!) v. JAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ - Jazz shoves Stratus down before we even get started - Stratus pops back up and pops *Jazz* one. Jazz right back - head to the buckle, twice, Trish blocks and puts Jazz' head into the buckle, elbow, kick, kick, kick, into the opposite corner, nobody home on the charge. BIG slap by Jazz knocks her down. Two handfuls of hair - and there's a pickup by the hair and thrown down. Off the ropes, big legdrop, leg is hooked, gets 2. Jazz still in control - picks her up by the half crab, then spins into the STF. Trish does lots of screaming but doesn't give up - here's the slow crawl to the ropes...referee "Blind" Jimmy Korderas looking in - nothing yet - Trish grabs the ropes. Jazz breaks rather late. Trish with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmycrappyforearm/elbow," again, elbow, elbow, elbow, into the ropes, clothesline, clothesline, pulled into the ropes, flapjack! Trish laying in wait - kick to the head! 1, 2, NO! Knife-edge chop by Trish - chop - chop - whip is reversed, Jazz pulls her into a kick, upends her but Trish lands on her feet - wants Stratusfaction but Jazz plants her feet and just shoves her into the corner by herself. Jazz with a crappy elbow of her own - big hairmare. There's a shirtmare - and Jazz keeps the top! Trish seems energized, though - with the big bra spear - mounts and punches away, now punches the back, now puts on an ersatz STF (more of an STC but oh well) - Jazz crawls and grabs the bottom rope. Korderas gets to 5, but Trish refuses to break. Korderas has no choice but to call for the bell. (DQ 3:16 - hmmm) Korderas finally physically involves himself in tugging Stratus off of her - Stratus runs around the ring, slaps Jazz, and may or may not have fallen out at this point because she clutches at a strap and makes lots of threatening gestures but no longer jumps about.

Stephanie talks to Jericho on the phone - ohhh, I guess no Jericho tonight if he's "in Greenwich." Triple H walks up behind her while she blathers on about nothing - he's got a box of her stuff and dumps it on the floor. Stephanie is unhappy about things, but perks up when she finds a bottle of her favourite brand of lotion, which she liberally applies in topical fashion - wow, anybody else automatically know where this is going? Ayup. Sadly, we don't get to see if there was a wacky vibrator in the box.

Hey, look! It's The Undertaker! And he's WALKING!

SmackDown! is LIVE! this week! Here's some clips of the Rock just to tease you!

This WrestleMania Moment is brought to you by Sour Skittles! From WrestleMania XV, Butterbean puts the capper on Bart "Lefty" Gunn's career with a knockout that sends him all the way to the WXO by way of Japan - or was it the other way round...

AWESOMETAKER drives out on his Beautiful Bourget Python Bike - damn, how DID those steps float over and stand on end? We may NEVER know. Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! where Ric Flair made with the lead pipe and said "No" one more time (amongst other things - go read the SmackDown! report). Here's the RAW credits, transmitido en espanol SAP, TV-14-DLV and CC boxes - we're close to turning the hour. "A few weeks back, I issued a challenge to Ric Flair to fight me at WrestleMania. He said no! So I asked him again, and again he said no. So it dawned on me that I was gonna have to figure out what makes Ric Flair tick. What gets under his skin enough to make him wanna fight me? So I had to beat up his best friend. I had no choice but to take Arn Anderson out. Let's take a look at the footage." Let Us Take You Back to Last Week. "Now I wanna set the record straight, I did NOT want to victimise Arn Anderson like that. Ric Flair MADE me do that. So Arn Anderson's blood is not on my hands; it's on Ric Flair's hands, because all he had to do was say 'yes.' You see, Ric Flair - he likes to call himself the Dirtiest Player in the Game. Well Flair....don't fool yourself, because I'm more than willing to prove to ya that you're not. And to ensure the fact that Ric Flair accepts my challenge at WrestleMania, this morning ah, how do you say, I had to push the envelope a little bit futher. Maybe too far. Who am I to say. So Flair, as you sit there tonight at that medical facility, I just hope you realise that you left me no other choice. You see, this morning, I had to go pay your oldest son a visit. Now Flair, yer boy - his blood's not on my conscience, it's on yours - because the sins of the father shall be visited upon the son. Now Flair, as you watch this, I just want you to remember, it's thirteen days until WrestleMania." Taker leaves the ring as we cut to

Under the watchful eye of Dr. Tom Prichard, David Flair goes through some work with some of the other developmental folkll at the Stamford training facility. I guess this is Taker's personal cameraman... "Hey Flair! David Flair!" Soupbone! Soupbone for another one! Soupbone for Flair! Pritchard thinks about interfering, but Taker shoves him away. "Back off, Pritchard! Mind your own damn business! What the hell are you lookin' at? (scaring away everybody else) I'm telling you you better mind your own (Goddam) business. Get up here." Flair is thrown into the wall, then into the bathroom. "C'mere, boy." Soupbone! "Now - first one of you son of a bitches opens this door - you're gonna regret it. You understand?!" Back in the restroom. "Now, son - NOW we go to school." Soupbone! Knee, soupbone, "see you're gonna ask your dad why are you gettin' your ass kicked today." Flair's bladed. Soupbone, soupbone. "C'mere!" Into the locker - Taker repeatedly bashes Flair's head into the locker. Soupbone! "Get up!" Thrown into a shower - soupbone. "Yeah." "What are you doing?" "What am I doin'? I'm KICKING YOUR ASS, what do you think I'm doing?" Taker sits beside him and lifts him up - then puts an arm around him...and turns to the camera. "You see, Flair...I toldja that -- " soupbone " -- shut up! I told you that I wasn't gonna take no for an answer. Now...this is your oldest boy here - and you know what he means to me? He don't mean a DAMN thing to me. You, though - you got what I want - and all it is is a 'yes.' This is - this is on your head, man. 'cause I don't give a damn. You all right, David? Huh? You wanna say anything to your dear ol' Dad?" "Lemme go..." "You wanna - SHUT UP! You wanna ask him why you're getting your ass kicked? Hey - hey don't you have a little brother? No no no no - no no no no - you have a sister, don'cha? Hehehehehehe - what's it gonna be, Flair? 'cause I really don't care how far I gotta go. School's over for today. You done real good, boy. Hehehehehehe - you done real good." Taker leaves him laying - and bleeding. Whoa, Flair's got the Michael Cole frostdo! Also, it looks like the WWF has picked up that old ECW/WCW habit of forgoing a steady camera shot in favour of the old bob/weave/zoom in/zoom out/80s telephone commercial technique. Does that mean Heyman is booking this?

"WWF Flashback: WrestleMania's Greatest Hits" ad

WrestleMania X8 gets a local cable slot, too

Commentators react to Taker's heinosity - they expect Flair to have a response on SmackDown!

POINTS TO SELF (with another ad for "WWF Flashback" on THE NEW TNN) v. LANCE STORM - van Dam points to himself, only he slaps Storm in lieu the third point...well, NOW they're even! van Dam gutshot, elbow, elbow, elbow, jumping spin kick. Storm out - van Dam pescado! Elbow, elbow, head to the STEEL steps. Gutbuster on the barricade - van Dam adds some uppercuts to boot. van Dam on the apron - points to himself - spinning guillotine to the...butt. I dunno. Back in the ring - slingshot legdrop and van Dam gets 2. Boot to the head. Storm manages a jawbreaker to turn it back. Right, right, chop, chop, chop, into the opposite corner is reversed, van Dam somersaults up but Storm dropkicks the knees to chop him down before he can connect. van Dam clutches his left knee, so Storm grabs the left leg and wrenches it violently - elbowdrop on the knee, elbowdrop, elbowdrop, stretches the leg until van Dam grabs the bottom rope. Pulls him out by the leg - kneedrop to the knee, kneedrop, kneedrop. "RVD" chant starts up so Storm points to himself. Storm drapes the leg over the rope and continues to work on the knee - knee to the knee - van Dam fires back and connects with a dropkick. He vaults up...but Storm crotches him (or knees him) - Storm up for a superplex!! - 1, 2, no. Storm outside, pulling him by the left leg - wrapping it around the pole - Storm with some punches to the face as well. Back in - pointing to himself again! Got van Dam's leg - dragon screw legwhip! Into the Canadian Maple Leaf...van Dam crawls...and grabs the rope. Storm pulls him back to the center by the leg...van Dam tries an enzuigiri but Storm ducks it - however, van Dam connects on the way back with a mule kick. Storm's clothesline ducked, van Dam hits a back elbow. Elbow, elbow, into the ropes, Viscera kick with the good leg - cover...2. van Dam limps - off the ropes, wants Rolling Thunder but can't plant, so he settles for a spinning legdrop. van Dam in the corner - can't vault on one leg, so he climbs up instead - Storm meets him there with a right hand. Storm to the second floor - wants to go up top, but slipped on the rope - van Dam manages to counter with a super sunset flip (!) but only gets 2 when he fails to apply the leverage with only one leg to keep him down. Stomp by van Dam. Into the corner is reversed, van Dam dumps Storm up and over - Storm springboards with a clothesline and gets 2! Storm has a problem with THAT particular count of referee "Blind" Jack Doan and lets him know about it. He might be taking too long - van Dam springs up and hits a spin kick! van Dam manages the vault - here's the Fivestar - bah - 1, 2, 3. (5:45) Wait, so Regal's "pompous" but van Dam's......? Here's your replay of the Fivestar. It remains to be seen if van Dam's "injury" will last past tonight.

Nash enjoys some coffee while Hall says that Austin, HE'S the animal. Before they can do rock/paper/scissors to see who reprazents tonight, they dump some SCALDING HOT COFFEE on the coffee boy. Okay, here we go - Hall and Nash with scissors, Hogan with rocknowaitpaper and he's out. Hall gets paper while Nash takes rock. Hogan said "bow down" about a hundred times during this segment.

Commentators hype Star Trek Movies This Week, then talk some more about....well, not much. Then we move to

WWF Desire looks at The Rock to POD's "Alive." "The easiest way for me to describe the passion I have, describe that vibe and that feeling that comes out every time I perform is by showing somebody. The great thing about it is I can go out there and I can sing, I can smile, I can be angry, I can be frustrated, and just all that, when all that comes out, I honestly feel that way."

Hey, the graphic don't lie - it's Hollywood Hulk Hogan vs. The Rock at Sour Skittles WrestleMania X8!

Hogan promises the Rock will bow down to him at WrestleMania. But what kind of shape will he be in on Thursday? They need to give him a special NWO reception then. But tonight it's all about Hall 3:17! Nash puts on his game show host voice and says it's time to play "Let's Pick An Opponent!" and tumbles the Royal Rumble Easter eggs. "I hope it's not Andre the Giant," says Hogan. They read the slip. Now they're WALKING! And shoving a floor director. Why didn't they tell us whose name was on the slip? Probably to try to get us to sit through this

WWF Shop Zone Dot Com ad

Tough Enough 2 Season Premiere! It's Thursday on MTV! Are you excited yet?

CLEAN & SOBER (with You Know Who and Big & Tall - and Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight - wow, they DID find an angle for the wrench shot replay after all) v. ? - They point to Austin's blood on the canvas - whee. "Hey yo. It's Fan Appreciation Night, and I'm sure all you fans appreciated Scott Hall kickin' Stone Cold's ass. And one more treat for ya, it's Fan Appreciation Night, so the next WWF Superstar who enters this ring, in MY mind, is Stone Cold Steve Austin." Actually, I was hoping for the Big Show, expecting Funaki, wouldn't have been surprised with Kane, but instead we got STONE COLD SPIKE DUDLEY. Well, of COURSE. Toothpick in the face! Lockup, knee by Hall, clubbing blow in the back, another. Hall's in street clothes, I neglected to mention. Going for a suplex but Spike sneaks in an inside cradle for 2 - Hall with a quick clothesline to turn it back. Into the ropes, Spike ducks, crossbody caught - there's the fallaway slam. Hall, once again, is so over with this crowd, that they can't help but spontaneously utter "Hogan sux" over and over. Hard whip into the corner and follow (slow) clothesline. Back to the original corner, and Spike pops out with the headbutt to the gut. Wants the Dudley 'dog, but Hall crotches him on the top rope, instead. Right hand puts him down. Hall gets into discussions with referee "Blind" Nick Patrick while Nash, on the floor, grabs Spike and drops him facefirst on the corner of the mat. Hogan adds a scoop...and a battering ram into the ringpost. Ross says "human javelin" and millions of annoying fans sport wood at the thought of the words "lawn dart" - and I consider investing in bullets. Spike back in the ring - placed on top - death superplex from Hall. Thasshit. Razor's Edge coming up - booooom. Hall makes the pin with a foot on the chest. 1, 2, 3. (2:33) And I think the saddest thing was I didn't get to see Hall's chokeslam and Giant impersonation. Spike is tossed - Ross promises "hell toupee."

"Finally, the Rock is coming back to SmackDown!" What, has he been gone THAT long? Oh, it's another LIVE SmackDown! spot, okay

You know, they probably should have had someone look at the rest of the names in the tumbler, only to find they all said Spike or had blank pieces of paper or something. Ah well.

The WWF Superstars appear on "The Weakest Link" on Sunday! Check your local listings!

Garcia: "Ladies and gentlemen, at this time it gives me great pleasure to introduce to you - making his return to the World Wrestling Fedration - the newly crowned World's Strongest Man, Austin Texas' own MARK HENRY!" Hey, that's a damn lie! He's from SILSBY!

The music switches to the ominous "Theme From The Lowering Of The Cage" as the cage...lowers.

Wait, was that it? Henry comes out and does nothing, then the cage...oh wait

In the dressing room, Angle meets up with Stephanie. "Steph, I need to talk to - HOLY sweet mother of God!" Well, she's covered in hives. Shucks, we didn't see THAT one coming. I'm so glad she found a reason to EMOTE and SCREAM and SCREAM and EMOTE and SCREAM and SHRIEK and EMOTE and PLEASE let's move on


Big Show shills Stacker 2 - again

Another "Flashback" ad

Sour Skittles sez: 2 WEEKS TO WRESTLEMANIA X8!

Drowning Pool's "Tear Away" is yet another WrestleMania theme song - apparently Drowning Pool AND Saliva will perform LIVE at WrestleMania! Well how about that.

THE NEW MAN (with WrestleMania X8 is brought to you by SOUR SKITTLES!!) v. KURT ANGLE within the confines of the unforgiving STEEL cage - escape to win - Note well that in order to strike his spit take at the most dramatic moment, it only takes H *five seconds* to climb to the top of the cage. Wanna bet he never gets there quicker than TEN during the match proper? Well, they never DID put the title shot on the line, which not only seems to ensure that Angle will win, but that it will be a totally meaningless win. Sorry to spoil it for you, folks. HERE WE GO: Staredown to start. They lock it up - to the corner, rolling around on the ropes - then they break. Let's do it again - collar and elbow tieup - H pushes him away. Angle with a shove. H with a right. Angle bounces around a bit, then finally returns to his feet. They hook it up again - to the corner, H reverses, Angle reverses, Angle tries the right, H blocks it and lands one of his own. Angle back up - H right, right, Angle right, H, Angle, H, Angle, Angle grabs the side headlock but Angle powers out...only to fall to a shoulderblock. Angle wants to slow it way down, and takes his sweet time getting back up. Angle wants the lockup again - no, it's a ruse, as he connects with a kick to the gut. Angle tries to ram H into the cyclone fencing that makes up the cage wall, but H blocks it with his hands. Right hand breaks the hold. Right by H. Another right puts Angle down. Picking him up, H puts Angle into the ropes, then hits a HIGH back body drop that crashes him to the mat. This just in: Ross has proclaimed Fan Appreciation Night "lame." Arm wringer by H...into a clothesline. H staying on him...pulled into a short clothesline. H wants a third, but Angle ducks and grabs the waistlock - before he can execute the suplex, H reverses back to a waistlock of his own - Angle drops down and rolls into the ANGLELOCK but H turns his body, then kicks Angle away - Angle hits his head on the wall on the bounce. H is up first, and rams the back of Angle's head into the wall again. H finds himself at the door and frantically tries to open it - but referee "Blind" Teddy Long isn't in a helping kinda mood at this stage. H grabs the legs and stomps between 'em. Angle's head meets the buckle. H with a kick, another kick, a third kick and Angle falls to a seated position. H puts his boot on Angle's neck and squeezes. H to the second rope - Ten Punch Count Along gets to six before Angle grabs H and gives him Snake Eyes on the top turnbuckle. H is slow to recover, and Angle is ready when he does, giving him a BIG clothesline. Angle decides to try to climb over the top...and gets pretty close before H takes off like a shot to grab his ankles and pull him back in. Body shot, body shot, and beals him back in from up high. H grabs Angle again - but Angle lands the uppernut and H feels it for sure. "Angle sux!" chant as Angle gets ready to take charge - belly-to-belly overhead suplex! Angle with a stomp. Angle grabs him for a SECOND overhead belly-to-belly. Angle is starting to feel better about his chances. Stomp. Winds up - on the right hand. Right. Right, right, H is in the corner now, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Again, Angle tries to ram H's head into the side of the cage - again H blocks - elbow to the gut, elbow, right, right, into the ropes, Angle ducks, grabs the waistlock and hits the German suplex! Angle keeps the fingers clenched - a SECOND German suplex! And there's a THIRD as Angle releases. Angle to the door (finally some smarts!) - it's open and Angle starts through the ropes...but H again manages a speed of light recovery to pull him back in - Angle goes to the headbutt to the gut - four times - right hand - into the opposite corner, but H ducks the clothesline and counters with the neckbreaker. Still, it's Angle to his feet first...H rushes in but meets the elbow. But when Angle rushes - he eats the high knee. H with a right hand, Angle into the ropes, H with the spinebuster. Into the ropes, reversed, Angle's head is down, H hits the facebuster. Both men are down once again - this time H is up first. Slowly he walks to the - no, not to the door, he's climbing up instead. Almost out but Angle does a sprint, climbs onto the top rope and grabs the ankles...but H kicks Angle away! Angle reaches - and misses! H is on top...no, Angle makes a last-ditch grab of the ankle and gets it - then yanks on the tights to get him back into the ring the hard way. H moves for the door, but Angle grabs him and gives him THE OLYMPIC SLAM!! Both men are down and nobody's moving. Angle rolls onto his back first...slowly rises...winds up as H gets to HIS feet - Angle with a clothesline but it's DUCKED - H with a gutshot - setting up the Pedigree - HITS IT! But that took everything out of him...H can barely crawl - aw FUCK, STEFFO is out - Long tries to stop her and send her back - and she DOES turn back, briefly - but as soon as Long turns HIS back, she shoves him hard into the cage, knocking him out. Then she runs over to the door and slams it on Triple H's head. What a waste. Angle is over - HE wants out....but Stephanie demands Angle continue punishing Triple H. Angle FINALLY rams his head into the side of the cage - and into another side. Stomp, mount, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. Sure enough, H is "opened up" - Angle does the "makin' coleslaw" spot with H's head. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, this match was going SO well until SHE showed up. Angle throws H into the cage wall yet again. Angle opens the door and...no, now it's *Angle* who wants to go back for more. Angle giving him the bad mouth...but Triple H manages a double leg takedown - and a WOW Catapult into the cage wall! So Stephanie slides a STEEL chair into the ring. Angle goes to pick up the chair - but H kicks him before he can grab it, and HE grabs the chair - but before he can swing it, Angle kicks him in the gut. DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE and both men are down! Still no sign of Long. H is up first - DDT ON THE CHAIR! H crawls...but spies Stephanie holding the door shut - so he decides to climb the wall instead. This brings Stephanie INTO the ring, grabbing the chair - and lightly tapping him in the buttocks with the chair (Ross: "Right in the kidneys!") H slips, and crotches himself on the top rope. Stephanie with another wussy chairshot in the back - H slides off the rope, but ends up with his shin between the ropes and tied up. Stephanie pulls Angle to the outside...and to the win. (15:36) Ross: "I can't believe this CRAP!" Stephanie puts Angle's arm over her shoulders and helps him up the ramp - Angle is out on his feet - H is STILL tied up in the ropes - oh, and bleeding. Raw Zone credits up, WWF logo up, and our time is up. See ya later.

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