Surely you've heard by now that the official WWF Slurpee
flavour is designated by 7-Eleven "Bruisin' Berry" - what you may NOT have
known is that that was actually the SECOND choice...the first being
"Smarky Smark Smark," mainly due to the fact that the taste can so easily
be described as "sour grapes."
KINGS MAGIC NUMBER: *3*
QUICK QUOTE: WWF 14.70 (+ .65, last year: 12.70, two years ago: 14 3/4 - think about this - if you bought WWF stock two years ago, you'd be down a nickel today - boggles the mind, don't it?)
TONIGHT: The Backlash main event is HHH vs. HHH - wait, that's not tonight! Undertaker and Steve Austin are rumoured to have reaction - maybe *that* will be tonight! Also, Kane takes on X-Pac in a Falls Count Anywhere match - that WILL be tonight! All right!
T(O)N(I)G(HT): "Imaginary Friend" - UGH UGH UGH
TV-14-DLV - CC - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Let Us Take You Back To Last Thursday, because ALL SHOWS MUST OPEN WITH VINCE - hey, this'll probably be the only time we see Hogan on RAW tonight, right? Ah ha ha. Go read the SmackDown! report
THERA-PYRO! Once again, it's on - coming to you from the SOLD OUT Crappiest Airline On Earth Arena in Phoenix, AZ 8.4.2 and transmitido en espanol SAP on TNN & TSN, THIS is WWF RAW!
AWESOMETAKER kicks it off with a leisurely drive to the ring on His Beautiful Bourget Python Bike as well as the cover to the WWF's latest CD, "Forceable Entry/Rape Fantasy." Our streak of opening this show with a match halts at....one. "Can SOMEONE explain to me what the hell is goin' on around here? 'cause I just happened to be just a little bit confused, and a whole lotta pissed off. Monday night, right here in the middle of the ring, I came out here, I challenged Triple H to a match for the Undisputed title. He ACCEPTED the match and Ric Flair sanctioned the match right then, and right there. Now I find out, at Backlash, I'm completely out of the picture...the title match is Triple H and Hulk Hogan. You see, that's just unacceptible - no, no, see that's a buncha bull - no, that's a buncha bull(shit)! So I tell you what - RAW stops right here, right now, because I'm gonna stand right here in the middle of the ring until somebody comes out here and explains to me--" Well, not for long - RIC FLAIR is already on his way to the ring. Let's pause for our recurring installment of
"You want an explanation? I'll give ya one. You know, maybe last week, I was a little bit too ambitious, my first day on the job. Hell, I wanted to see you and Triple H go at it big time. But I was wrong; McMahon did have the right to make a championship match at Backlash. However, while you're rantin' and ravin' out here, givin' directions, tellin' everybody what to do, don't think for one minute that you run this place or own it; you don't - I do. And I'll tell ya something else: even though McMahon got to make the championship match at Backlash, I get to make the championship match after Backlash, so if I were you, I'd just calm down and take a deep breath, big man." "Well that's what you think, right? Well, you know what I think? I think you're a LIAR. No no no, I think...you're a no good son of a bitch. You see, what I think, Flair - see I think you're still all tore up about what I did to you at WrestleMania...and to tell you the truth, I can't say that I blame ya, because if somebody beat me up like I beat you up, I'd be hot too. Now that bein' said, the way I see it, you got one option. I can't do a damn thing about Backlash, but you can make me the #1 Contender for the match AFTER Backlash. 'cause Ric you know, there ain't NOBODY that deserves that match more than ME. You know it's true! So you tell me, Ric, what's it gonna be - are you gonna make me the #1 Contender...or am I gonna have to reach down in my bag and pull out another WrestleMania moment?" We've been waiting far too long for the breaking of glass, and here it is...along with STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN. Ross sneaks in the announced attendance of 16,665 as Austin hits all four corners, pausing to give Flair a glare on his way. "Whats" removed for your reading convenince - as well as my typing sanity. "That's what I said, let me get this straight. You're about to hand this man The Undertaker a championship match after Backlash. That's whatcher doin'. That man right there. A championship match. After Backlash. Why? 'cause he deserves it? 'cause he's got that stupid bandana? Them stupid tattoos? Those stupid gloves? Those stupid pants? Those damn boots? Does he scare you? Does he make you shake? Are you intimidated? Is he special? Are you scared? Is it because he's got 'dead man' on his shirt? What does that mean? That you're dead? You don't breathe? You got no pulse? You're not alive? You bought the farm? You bit the big one? You kicked the bucket? Do you think you're special? You deserve a championship match - WHY? I wanna know why? Because you ride that stupid bike? I'll get on that sumbitch - kickstart it - and ride that sumbitch as long as I want to! ... Ric, you know what my watch is tellin' me? You know what this sumbitch is sayin'? It's talkin' loud and clear - and I can hear it. I ain't got no hearin' aids - I got no problem - it's sayin' - it's time - for Ric Flair - to make a decision. Look at me - when I talk to ya - is it gonna be - Stone Cold - Stone Cold - Stone Cold - I said Stone Cold. Or is it gonna be The Undertaker - the dead man - in that championship match - after Backlash - I think you need to make up your mind - right now - thank you - you're welcome." "You heard him, what's it gonna be, Flair. Who is it?!" "Lemme see...Stone Cold Steve Austin, #1 Contender. How's that sound? Maybe it's The Undertaker, #1 Contender, how's that sound? Before I make a decision, I'm get - I have to get something straight with both of you guys - we both are goin' in the wrong direction here. From the time I drafted you, you have made my life miserable. You have threatened me with WrestleMania moment after WrestleMania moment - you've worn my ass out - hell, you ran down when I was in a tag match, booted me in the face, walked up the ramp, left me layin' there - I don't appreciate it! And...in what should have been one of the greatest moments in the history o' RAW, while I was celebrating - dancing around the ring! Crazy! Overwhelmed, trying to toast YOU, you turn around and give me the Stone Cold Stunner. That doesn't work for me either. So lemme tell ya both something - it's a new day around here. And I want to make one thing very clear: everybody here, especially you two. One thing I'm not is Vince McMahon - I'm Ric Flair - and from now on....thank you. From now on, anybody puts there hands on me, THINKS about puttin' their hands on me, there's gon' be HELL TO PAY. But let's get on with the theme of tonight's show. Hell, we're gonna have TWO #1 Contender's matches. As a matter of fact, in this very ring, it's gonna be The Undertaker, in a nontitle match, against the intercontinental champion Rob van Dam. And...and...you, Austin, are gonna have a WrestleMania rematch against the NWO's Scott Hall. Lemme explain what that means." "Hey! I know what it means - what it means is you're fulla crap! That match is MINE - I deserve it - Austin don't deserve that match! I'm the #1 Contender! The only thing he deserves is to get his ass kicked! Now you talk about hell to pay - you listen up and you listen good. If you don't make me the #1 Contender, there's gonna be a lot of hell to pay around here...and there ain't a damn thing you can do about it, cueball." Austin decides to waffle him and it's on - right hands here, right hands there, and Austin clotheslines Taker over the top and outside. Austin goes to give Flair a kick in the gut but pulls short. Flair ducks out when Taker makes it back to the apron and Austin turns his attention back to him to shove him off again. REFS & OFFICIALS quickly show up to stand between Taker and the ring as Austin's music plays. No real explanation of how this double #1 Contender match is gonna work out....but there's a lot of show to go...
Kurt Angle shills angina - no, wait... www.lifeheart.com is the site - Get Tough on Angina!
Greyhound presents the WWF Overdrive of the Night - goooo Greyhound! From last week, Bubba Ray Dudley wins the hardcore title with the Bubbabomb - and tells D-Von it was for him
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: BUBBA RAY
DUDLEY (champion - Dudleyville - 325
pounds - with RAW is brought to you by 1-800-CAL-LATT, The Scorpion
King and Stacker 2!) v. BOOKER T (Houston, Texas - 251
Backlash spot hypes Hulk Hogan/Triple H - wow, they really say Hogan's name first? Huh, how 'bout that.
Drowning Pool's "The Game" is spotlighted in this Forceable Entry spot - have you bought YOUR copy yet? Me neither...
JONATHAN COACHMAN is backstage with Trish Stratus. Her head's fine. Let Us Take You Back To Last Week and show you WHY her head hurts. This leads to tonight, when Trish takes on Molly Holly. "Oh, Coach, she got me good, yep - from behind. But tonight's gonna be a little different. Tonight, she's gonna have to get in the ring with me, and Molly's gonna have to face me. You know, I don't know what's gotten into Molly, *but I'm pretty pissed off.* And tonight I'm gonna show her how pissed off I am--" At this point, William Regal interrupts. "Who cares about you, you filthy little scrubber. All you're good for is standing around in your knickers, flashing your bristols to everyone. Molly simply put you in your place. Now, if you want to talk about a real match, Spike Dudley--" "That's right, yes, yes. I remember. Actually, if anyone was when Spike Dudley pinned you, 1, 2, 3." "Spike Dudley...that miserable little toerag who stole a victory over me and besmirched the good name of William Regal? Spike Dudley, that low-class little cretin who degraded my reputation as the European champion? Spike Dudley's victory over me was a fluke, an accident, just like he was an accident to his mother, and an abortion on society! For besmirching me, I'm not only going to put an end to Spike Victory's (?) winning streak - I'm going to turn him into a bloody vegetable!"
Meanwhile, TERRI catches up with Kane, who's reading a copy of the Divas swimsuit issue. She didn't know he was into this whole Divas thing! "Just because I have a burned face...that doesn't mean the rest of my parts aren't working...just fine." "Gotcha. So, um, what I really wanted to ask you was - I've noticed that you've been approaching life differently, and you know, what do you attribute that to?" "What do I attribute that to? Terri, all my life I've been called a monster - a FREAK! And I used to be ashamed to be one. But when I was teaming with Rock and Hulk Hogan a couple weeks ago, and seventeen thousand screaming Kanenites rose to their feet in unison...I realised something. I realised that FREAKS KICK ASS. FREAKS are cool! And just like fellow freak Randy Johnson mows down batteres one by one at the Bob, that's exactly what I plan on doin' with the NWO, starting tonight with the Falls Count Anywhere match with X-Pac. Now don't get me wrong...X-Pac is talented, but is he cool? Well let me put it like this. Just like the lion roars and the chicken clucks, it's a simple fact of life: X-PAC SUCKS!"
Meanwhile, X-Pac demos his 'chuks for Hall and Nash. 'Pac acts that they stay back tonight - he's got something to prove, man. "Look at 'Pac, man - Jack and the Beanstalk, David and Goliath, he's truly a giant killer." Nash adds something which I'm sure is hilarious if only I'd heard it.
"The Rock IS The Scorpion King" magazine ad
X-PAC (Minneapolis, Minnesota - 212
pounds) v. KANE (Parts Unknown - 326
pounds - with Forceable Entry CD cover...but not his Forceable Entry
theme, oh well) with falls counting anywhere
The cameraman catching up with them backstage catches Hall laying in wait as they brawl by - there's the lead pipe to the back of the neck by Hall - and Nash adds a 2x4 - one more from Hall - and a chairshot from X-Pac - cover - 1, 2, 3. (No bell - call it 2:01) Hall gives him another pipe shot - Nash breaks the 2x4...and X-Pac removes the mask! One more chairshot to the back of Kane's head - Bradshaw shows up late and only gets a shot in on Hall before everybody runs off. "You're next, Bradshaw!"
Scorpion King ad
Big Show shills Stacker 2 - hey, you know what would have been interesting? Ric Flair could have said "You know what Undertaker, Austin...I'm giving the title shot to The Big Show because he helped me out last week with Vince and I think he deserves to be rewarded for not being a jackass to me." See, and not only would it have made SENSE, but it would have PISSED OFF EEEEEEEVERYBODY
Moments Ago, Three Paragraphs Ago - Man, 'Pac almost yanks out a big chunk of Kane's hair while getting that mask
Coming back "live," Bradshaw helps the EMT's get Kane on the back board
Meanwhile, X-Pac models his mask - Hall and Nash act "scared" of his impersonation. Nash requests, "bring in the Gimp!" Here comes Flair. "Enough! I told you guys when I drafted you, it's gonna be a new day. No more gang warfare, no more two on one, no more three on one - you guys aren't gonna run your own show here, man!" "Oh yeah? Well WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT? Yeah!" Nash grabs Flair by the lapel - oops. "I'll TELL you what I'm gonna do about it - I'm gonna suspend you indefinitely! Without pay! You want some? You want some?" "Oh yeah? I'll sue YOU! Yeah, I'll sue you - how 'bout that, Flair - I'M gonna sue YOU." "Jump on. You guys wanna go home with him, tear somethin' else up." Flair leaves. "I'm suin' you!"
WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: WILLIAM
REGAL (Blackpool, England - 240 pounds
- with Let Us Take You Back To Last Week) v. SPIKE DUDLEY (Dudleyville -
Backstage, Coach congratulates Spike. Tommy Dreamer runs up and dumps a WWF Bruisin' Berry Slurpee (get it at 7-Eleven!) on him. Here's Jackie with a..tentative hug. Show with congratulations - and a Slurpee for Coach's head as well. "Don't feel left out, Coach!" Here's Bubba Ray Dudley...but he takes Spike's hand and gives him a bro shake. Everyone nods knowingly.
UP NEXT: #1 Contender's Match - RVD vs. Undertaker
WWF Shop Zone Dot Com spot
ROB VAN DAM (Intercontinental champion
- Battle Creek, Michigan - 235
pounds - with Forceable Entry CD cover) v. THE UNDERTAKER (Houston, Texas
- 328 pounds - with RAW Credits & transmitido en espanol SAP & TV-14-DLV &
CC boxes) in a nontitle match to determine the #1 Contender at Judgment
Scorpion King ad
Moments Ago, Two Paragraphs Ago - check out Taker's face on that Last Ride. Taker is a master of emotion and my personal hero
JAZZ joins our commentators at ringside....why put on the headset if you're not going to SAY anything?
TRISH STRATUS (Toronto, Ontario) v.
TRISH STRATUS (already in the ring) v.
MOLLY HOLLY (Mobile, Alabama)
The graphic don't lie - it's Triple H vs. Hollywood Hulk Hogan for the Undisputed Championship at Backlhash!
We take a close look at Brock Lesnar's tattoo - he's pacing. Over to Paul Heyman. "Please, please, please calm down. We're about to walk out to the ring in of all place, Phoenix, Arizona. Home of the worst audience in history. These people don't respect a man of your size, of your strength, of your power, they don't even respect themselves! No matter how bad they disrespect you, you cannot grab a member of the audience, you cannot attack the fans! Keep your temper under control - please leave everything to me; that's what an agent is for. You got your temper under control? You ready? Let's go - calm, cool..."
"WWF Live - Feel This" spot
Here's a look at the America West Arena - and a few people who couldn't get in
Now he's got an "agent" - and an entrance video/theme - it's BROCK and his pokemon, GASTLY. Heyman's gonna do some filibusterin', but not before we ride out a "Yankees Suck" chant (for Heyman's cap). "Thank you - thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for your irrelevant opinion...but don't worry, I assure you that as long as Brock Lesnar is standing here, we will take as long as we deem appropriate. Ya see, when you stand next to Brock Lesnar, you can do ANYTHING you damn well please. And it pleases me this evening to educate all of you - you're welcome, by the way - to educate all of you on some historical facts - historical facts that led Brock Lesnar to the monumental decision of hiring ME as his agent. You see, it was a historical fact that I (Paul Heyman) managed Steve Austin and groomed him to be Stone Cold. It is a historical fact that I represented The Undertaker, and groomed him to be The Dead Man. It is a historical fact that I was the architect of a concept called ECW that spawrned WWF Attitude and created the multi-billion dollar conglomerate of sports entertainment that you see today. There is a moral to this story...and that moral is, I - better than any single one of you - can spot The Next Big Thing, and ladies and gentlemen, the next big thing is Brock Lesnar. NC-double-A Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar. The Invincible Brock Lesnar. The Invulnerable Brock Lesnar. The Indestructible Brock Lesnar. The Impervious To Pain Brock Lesnar. Ladies and gentlemen, The Next Big Thing, Brock Lesnar! Now, in all fairness, please - don't take my word for it, no - as a matter of fact, if you would please turn your attention to the giant screen, you will see some footage that I assure you will amplify my point. Mr. Producer, please roll the footage."
Here's a Special Video Look at Brock Lesnar
"Did I tell you? Ask Spike Dudley about Brock Lesnar! Ask the Hardys about Brock Lesnar! Ask Rikishi about Brock Lesnar! Ask any single one of his opponents about Brock Lesnar!" Lesnar and Heyman are suddenly joined by the HARDY BOYZ - Heyman sneaks out as the Hardyz doubleteam continues in the corner. Whip into the opposite corner, Poetry in Motion...is CAUGHT, and Jeff is tossed to the floor. No fair catches in the XFL, Ross! Lesnar grabs Matt - presses him over his head - and throws him onto Jeff. Thanks for coming out tonight, Boyz! Wait, we're not done - Lesnar daring them to come in, even WITH a chair in hand for each man - Lesnar stomps on Jeff, but Matt gets a gutshot in with the chair. Lesnar with a gutshot - ready to powerbomb Matt but Jeff WHACK with the chair. Matt adds a WHACK that takes Lesnar to the floor...but he lands on his feet. Heyman works to keep Lesnar from going back in the ring. Play the Hardyz' music! Lesnar...is smiling. Here's a replay of what we done just seen.
WWF Forceable Entry CD ad
Theeeeeeee WWF Rewind is brought to you by Castrol Motor Oily! From RAW last week, The Big Show puts Vince McMahon over his shoulder and throws him out of the building
MR. PERFECT (Minneapolis, Minnesota -
262 pounds - with Backlash is
brought to you by Backlash!) vs. THE BIG SHOW (Tampa, Florida - 500
Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! IS! WALKING! Finding Flair not in his office, Austin pulls up a chair...puts his feet on the desk, and kicks back...
Backlash ad - Hogan/H again - of course, they haven't made any OTHER matches for this card yet....
Big Show shills Stacker 2 - again
"WWF Divas: Tropical Pleasure" ad
Your hosts are JIM ROSS & JERRY LAWLER
Earlier Tonight, Austin - had a lot - of pauses - so people - could say "What" - also, Undertaker staked HIS claim to the #1 Contendership - words were said, tempers were raised, punches were thrown, and hell, we've SEEN it ONCE tonight, let's move on
I sense we have to squeeze in another ad break before the final match. Earlier Tonight, Undertaker won HIS "#1 Contender's match" against Rob van Dam, thanks to a little devious help from Eddie Guerrero
Back to Flair's office where Austin is playing with some pens - and I think he's using Flair's laptop to order DVD's from Amazon.com (proud sponsor of Onslaught!) Here's Flair. "I been waitin' on ya. Because you got some explainin' to do. Tell me what's goin' on. I'm confused, and I shouldn't be confused. Undertaker just won his match, so that makes him the #1 Contender? I'm already out just 'cause he won?" "First of all, thanks for making the right decision and not Stunning me out there. As far as Undertaker, all that means is tonight if you win your match, you two will go to Backlash, you'll wrestle each other, the winner will be the future #1 Contender. Hey, I like you, Steve, I got a lotta respect for you." "That doesn't mean I have to like you, does it." "Hey, all you have to do is win tonight, you're right there at Backlash - you and Taker. Okay? Future #1 Contender." "Thank you for explaining it to me, because I was a little confused." Austin walks off - we almost see a boom mic OOOH
Tough Enough 2 ad
The Rock IS your guest host for "Saturday Night Live" on Saturday!
SCOTT HALL (Miami, Florida - 282 pounds
- with X-Pac) v. STONE COLD STEVE
AUSTIN (Victoria, Texas - 252 pounds) in a #1 Contender's