T(O)N(I)G(HT): "The Quality of Life" is a fair enough concept, but it ends up mired in technobabble...and the REAL problem I have with this is if these damn exocomps were so FREAKIN' smart, why couldn't they interfact with the Universal Translator and speak for *themselves?* (Because Data wouldn't get any lines then, dummy.) Yeah, but...ah hell with it OH GOD THAT LAST LINE IS *HIDEOUS* "It was the most *human* decision you've ever made Data" GAGGGGGGGG ACK ACK BARF let's move on

KINGS UPDATE: WOOOOOO BEAT THE JAZZZZZZZZZ - next step, the Dallas Mavericks...starting on Saturday. This report is late because I watched this game instead. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say I made the right choice.

QUICK QUOTE: WWF 14.33 (- .72, last year: 13.87, two years ago 18 1/8)

One World Leader Attitude - TV-14-DLV - CC - WWF!

Opening Credits--

I GET LETTERS: BDL checks in: Maybe I'm just an old fashioned kind of guy CRZ. Maybe I no longer know what's what, but the new RAW theme no longer does *it* for me. By *it* I mean *it* doesn't get me all excited to see half naked sweaty men rolling around with each other like the old RAW theme did. Tell me I'm not alone CRZ, please tell me I'm not alone.

Umm.... Some day your prince will come, buddy. Keep reaching for that rainbow.

QUEER PYRO means once again it's on - coming to you LIVE from the Unnamed (HSBC) Arena in Beefalo, NY 29.4.2 and NOW a second ratings box - TV-14-LSV (ooh ooh hot sex tonight!) - this is THE NEW TNN, and although it may be transmitido en espanol SAP, it's still WWF RAW!

TONIGHT: Ha ha Hollywood Hulk Hogan looks funny - he takes on William Regal - but first...

WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: JEFF HARDY (challenger - Cameron, North Carolina - 218 pounds) v. EDDIE GUERRERO (champion - El Paso, Tejas - 228 pounds)
referee: CHARLES ROBINSON
Wow, Eddie gained THIRTEEN POUNDS in TWO WEEKS! Get me on HIS diet! Lita, you may have heard, broke her neck on the set of "Dark Angel," where she may or may not have been performing her trademark 'rana. Sources close to the scene said her first words immediately after regaining consciousness were "it just feels not right." Now that I've burned all remaining goodwill with you, we can move into this match without emotional attachment, but first let me say AT LEAST it's better that she broke her neck in private on a backlot instead of on live TV where you and I had to cringe through it? Oh, you're probably one of those people who thought it'd NEVER happen, right? Man, it sucks to be one of us. Please address all complaints to Rick Scaia, in care of Amazon.com THE MATCH: Geez, what's with the body paint, Jeff? Lockup, side headlock takeover by Guerrero, leg scissors counter by Hardy, everybody's back up. A classic opening. Lockup, to the corner, Robinso looks for the break - Hardy eases up and Guerrero bowls him over for 1. Guerrero runs into an armdrg takeover, another, Guerrero tries one of his own but Hardy hangs on and rolls it over into one of his own - so Guerrero grabs the hair to gain the leverage. Everybody up - Robinson gets to five but Guerrero JUST lets go in time - right, right, right, European uppercut, into the ropes, reversed by Hardy, leapfrog by Hardy, clothesline, 1, 2, no. Hardy kicks in the corner, kick, opposite corner whip is reversed, Hardy up and over, feet on the shoulders into a headscissors - and Guerrero slides out. Hardy is ready to go out after him but Robinson holds him back. Eddie tries to sneak in while Hardy's back is turned, but pulls up short when he turns around. Eddie mimes "No no, I'd never do that, cross my heart" - then dropkicks him in the knee. Ha! Guerrero attacks the left knee - four stomps - and one in the ribs for good measure. Elbow, chop, Euro uppercut that sends Hardy's bandana flying, another one - yikes where'd Hardy's hair go? Into the ropes, Guerrero drops down, nice leg lariat puts Hardy on the mat. Guerrero pulls him up by his hair - forearm in the back. Side suplex. Guerrero says "(Something in Spanish!)" then goes outside - he's going for his trademark rolling senton (or as I used to call it, "over the top rope headbutt") but Hardy sneaks out of the way - Guerrero tries to break his fall and DOES end up on his feet, but Hardy takes control - double leg takedown, spinning him round and folding him up with the split-legged pin - but only gets 2. Guerrero is back up and Hardy is back down at the hands of a clothesline. Close to a brainbuster from Guerrero, who admires his work...not so much the crowd, who boos him. Guerrero going up - Hardy over in time with a right, right, right, climbing after him - FISHERMAN SUPERPLEX!! But that took a lot out of him as well - both men up at the same time. Guerrero tries a kick and it's caught - Hardy spins him round, ducks the clothesline, gutshot, sitout jawbreaker (hi Matt), right, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, but Hardy connects with the flying jalapeno (hey!), right to the bcak of the head, to the corner, kick, kick...kick...kick. Whip into the opposite corner is reversed and Hardy hits hard - but pops up with a gutshot on Guerrero when he walks in - kick, right, kick, double leg, speaking in tongues double legdrop - now *Hardy* is climbing up...but Guerrero shoves him into a crotchin' on top. Guerrero up - going for a superplex of his own but Hardy is punching away...and does shove him off the top - Guerrero tries a backflip but doesn't land on his feet - but DOES manage to duck as Hardy flies from the top. Guerrero runs in, Hardy ducks, Robinson ALMOST eats it but Guerrero pulls up - but Hardy flies off with the Whisper in the Wind (GOOD OL' JR: "the Big Move") and Guerrero AND Robinson get to tumblin' 4 ya. Hardy hooks the leg - crowd counts a fall but they aren't wearing a zebra shirt (as far as I can tell) so the match continues. Hardy lets up to check on the ref, giving Guerrero enough time to recover and knock him down with a forearm. Guerrero out - got his title belt - Hardy with a dropkick through the ropes before he can use it...but on the pescado attempt, Guerrero holds out the belt for Hardy to run into with his face. Guerrero rolls him back in, places him in position, climbs the corner and hits the "I'm Feeling Froggy" (GOOD OL' JR: "with the Five Star Frog Splash [Eddie Guerrero's Version]!") for 1, 2, 3. (6:50) Guerrero shines up his belt and holds it high - let's take some replays.

Your hosts are the aforementioned pair of kings - LARRY & JERRY. Talk shifts to Flair's rotten luck by way of intro to Let Us Take You Back To Last What.

Moments Ago, Steve Austin - was - WALKING! Here's an exchange with a floor director: "Hey! Is that no good lyin' sorry son of a bitch here yet?" "Mr. McMahon's not here today." "I'm not talkin' about Mr. McMahon - I'm talking about that other lyin' son of a bitch Ric Flair!" "....yeah...Mr. Flair's here today...he's in his office." "Would you deliver a message for me?" "Yeah." "Tell that sorry sumbitch I'll see him in the ring - right now."

It's the WWF and it's live! Catch the fever tomorrow in Pittsburgh, Wednesday in Wheeling, Saturday in Ft. Lauderdale, Sunday in Worcester, next week in Lowell and a week from tomorrow in Bridgeport SOOOOOLD OUT

The breaking of glass heralds the arrival of STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN. GOOD OL' JR: "this whole arena has erupted with the mere sight of the Texas Rattlesnake!" I get the feeling GOOD OL' JR just had an eruption of his own, if you get my drift. IN HIS PANTS. Beer me early, now mic me. Hey, just for fun, let's pretend Austin doesn't use sentences anymore! "I'm not in a very good mood tonight - matter of fact, I'm in a bad mood - matter of fact, I'm a little pissed off - I take that back - I'm a lot pissed off - but I'm not too pissed off to tell you people a story - and this ain't a story about a man named Jed - you know that poor mountaineer - barely kept his family fed - I'm not gonna tell you that story - this is a story about a bald-headed sumbitch - with a goatee - named Stone Cold - Steve Austin - ME - 3:16 - Stone Cold Steve Austin - the man that had a match - at Backlash - with The Undertaker - and one of the greatest professional wrestlers of all time makes himself the special referee - and in that match - Stone Cold Steve Austin - ME - has his foot - on that rope - and Ric Flair - sixteen-time - world champ - counts to three - but then he comes out here and he says he's sorry - he apologises - he says he made a mistake - that's what he said - so to make it up - he makes a match - Stone Cold - and Bradshaw - in a tag match - against the NWO - well hell Bradshaw gets jumped - and gets his ass whipped - from behind - so Ric Flair picks my partner - he names my partner - The Big Show - it just so turns out - that the Big Show - grabs me by my throat - picks me up - and chokeslams me - right in this mat - so tonight, what I want Ric Flair to do - is to come out here right now and tell me the only thing that I want to hear...I want Ric Flair to come to my ring and say 'Stone Cold Steve Austin, tonight you've got a match - against that seven foot - five hundred pound - sorry piece o' trash - The Big Show' - Ric Flair - come on down." No answer. "Well that's fine, I guess I'll just sit here and drink beer--" "Woooo!" Here's RIC FLAIR looking JUST like Eric Bischoff in black leather jacket and white hair. "First of all--" "Eh eh eh eh eh - first of all, why don't you walk your ass down this ramp - climb in these ropes - stand in this ring - face to face - eye to eye - chest to chest - with Stone Cold Steve Austin - thank you." "First of all, before you interrupted me...the reason I'm standin' up here tonight instead of standin' in that ring, is I wanna make sure nothin' happens that's gonna cause me to have to suspend you...or worse. Secondly, ...secondly, I don't appreciate you tellin' the whole world that I MIGHT have had something to do with Big Show turning on you last week and joinin' the NWO - I didn't." "Well - ahem - maybe you can appreciate this." And he gives him the bird. "That's the second time I've had to eat that, Steve." Crowd chants "asshole" - to whom? Granted, it WAS a pretty tepid chant. "There's somethin' wrong with this whole thing. I've come out here once again to tell you I apologise and I'm sorry." "You apologise and you're sorry, you're flappin' your gums--" "That's right." "--and you ain't said yet that Stone Cold Steve Austin will fight the Big Show right here in Buffalo." "No no, no, wait a minute, wait--" "That's what I want you to say!" "I want to apologise first of all for pickin' the Big Show, but when Bradshaw went down last week, I was not going to see you stand alone against them, the NWO. They are bad dudes, man. So I dug deep, and I got you the best partner I could find - the Big Show. And Austin, lemme tell ya something. I have looked you in the eye - I have looked every fan of RAW in the eye - I have looked every fan of the WWF in the eye, and I have told them you - are - the - man. I like you, and I respect you, but you gotta know better than everybody else, when you're the man, everybody wants to climb that ladder - everybody wants a shot at you. If Big Show crossed the line, taht's not my fault, he wants to be where you already are. But let me - let me explain something to you. It sounds great; you and the Big Show tonight." "You keep flappin' your gums about it, that's what's gonna happen or not?" "It can't happen, because I knew--" "Now hold on just a second - if you wanna see Stone Cold Steve Austin whip the Big Show's ass, gimme a hell yeah - I don't know how good your hearin' is or not, but you got fifteen thousand people out here sayin' OH HELL YEAH - thank you." "I knew you would be a beer-drinkin', ass kickin' lunatic tonight, man, so I....I took the liberty of sending Big Show on a promotional tour of India, he's on the other side of the world, man." "You sent the Big Show WHERE?" "Yeah, I knew that you could get in trouble again - he's outta here. But I'm gonna do you a favour tonight, 'cause I owe it to ya - I want your respect - hell, I like you, Steve Austin - I respect you! Lawler: "I think he says that too many times, JR." "Really?" "And tonight, to make it up to you, and to make it up to all the fans of RAW, I'm gonna put you, Bradshaw, right there, in the middle of that ring in a tag match against the NWO, X-Pac and Scott Hall, that's right, Bradshaw and Stone Cold Steve Austin, partners tonight!" Crowd boos. "Well let me see - that's the same match you made last week when everything got outta control - so what're you gonna do this week to make sure that everything don't hey don't cut me off get outta control?" "I'm gonna make sure it doesn't get any better than it does tonight - tonight, I'm gonna appoint a special referee. A guy that'll stand in the middle of that ring and make sure justice prevails - and that referee is the sixteen-time World Heavyweight Champion." "Now let me get this right - you're gonna be in the match--" "Yeah." "--and you're gonna be in this ring, that's what you're saying." "Yeah. That's what I'm saying, but let me make something very clear to Stone Cold Steve Austin. You might be The Man, you lay your hands on my tonight buddy, there'll be hell to pay." "Let me just say for the record that I'll lay my hands on ya any time I want, and if you screw Stone Cold Steve Austin, I'm gonna lay both hands on ya, I'm gonna lay both feet on ya, I'm gonna open up the biggest can o' whoopass that Buffalo ever saw - and do you know why - do you know why - I said why - do you know why - because that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so." Whoa nelly that went on FORRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEVERRRRRRRRRRR

Lita shills Stacker 2 - watch out, Lita, you might break your neck!

Kurt Angle shills angina

Backstage, T pumps up - in his mirror, we see Goldust walk up to him, inhale - and, after T turns round, bite. "Look man - don't come in here with that breathin' crap. I already TOLD you, we're not teamin' up tonight - it's ME against RVD." "Booker, not since a young Macaulay Kulkin was left Home Alone have I ever felt so abandoned. How could you do this to us? We are the greatest tag team ever assembled. And now you have forced me to go into singles competition tonight with Spike Dudley. Well I hope that makes you happy." "Well I hope you get yo' gold ass outta my face before I kick it!" "Booker...you leave me with no choice, then." Goldie removes his (blond) wig. "What are you doin'?" "So that you can represent the both of us in your match with RVD tonight, you can wear this because you look stunning - take a look." "You damn right I look stunning." T faces the mirror. "I don't look like that - TELL ME I DON'T LOOK LIKE THAT!" "If Denzel and Li'l Kim ever had a child...it would be YOU." T removes the wig. "And if Big Bird and Spider-man ever got busy...you would be the illegitimate....lesbian. AHHHH ha ha ha! Ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!" T shakes his head and looks at his hand. Goldust stamps his feet.

ROB VAN DAM (Battle Creek, Michigan - 235 pounds - with Forceable Entry CD cover - AND RAW is brought to you by Burger King, truth, and Slim Jim!) v. BOOKER T (Houston, Texas - 251 pounds)
referee: NICK PATRICK
What do you MEAN we had this very same match four weeks ago? It was good! Don't complain! They should have this match EVERY week! van Dam kicks the air. Lockup, to the corner, Patrick tries to force the break but T kicks, kick, kick, chop, overhand pummelin', right, stomp, stomp, looks to Patrick, chop, into the ropes, van Dam ducks, back to back over the top, side kick by van Dam - elbow, elbow, T reverses the whip attempt and pulls him into a knee - T off the ropes but van Dam lands a Viscera kick - 1, 2, no. Kick by van Dam, forearm, into the ropes is reversed, backflip by van Dam as T drops down. van Dam up - whoa T with a NASTY powerbomb down. van Dam outside - T out after him - van Dam into the STEEL steps. 1-800-CAL-LATT replay of the powerbomb as they go back in - T steps back on the heel kick - 1, 2, no. T with a headlock. van Dam fights back up - elbow the gut, elbow, T pounds him down. Into the corner, van Dam up and over as T comes in, van Dam ducks the clothesline, springboard moonsault (almost doesn't but does) connects and van Dam gets 2. van Dam catches the kick and hits the stepover heel kick - off the ropes with Rolling Thunder gets 2. GOLDUST has made his way out so I don't know why I'm bothering to continue to call moves given the inevitable screwgie - trading blows in the ring - now it's all van Dam - T pulled into the corner, van Dam with the tumbling run but T won't cooperate on the monkey flip - van Dam goes down on his own - T puts his feet on the ropes - 1, 2, NO!! T sets up for the snap suplex...van Dam lands on his feet - van Dam ducks the clothesline and T ends up eating an errant punch from Goldust - van Dam kicks Goldust away, roundhouse kick for T, springs up, Fivestar frog splash, 1, 2, 3. (3:17) Goldust is distraught; T, perturbed. Dig that replay - Goldust swings and hits the wrong guy, yep. Ross proclaims T "not a happy sucka."

The Scorpion King ad - hey, this movie's opened already, I don't need to see any more ads for it

Catch a glimpse of the well-lit HSBC Arena - so much more to come in this show!

TERRI stands with Bradshaw - Let Us Take You Back to Last Week - what's his condition? "Condition? I'll tell you my condition - it's extremely unstable...and extremely pissed off! Yeah, I know who hit me - it was that throwback from the Jurassic Era - that brontosaurus-lookin' Big Show. You see, I've heard all week, it wasn't a fair fight, he jumped me from behind. I never knew there was such a thing as a fair fight. To me it's always been an oxymoron. And to our NWO listeners, I'll explain that: an oxymoron is a contradiction of terms - like an honest politician - like a celibate priest - like a sober Bradshaw - or a sober Stone Cold Steve Austin - or even a brave Big Show. You see, when Big Show gets back from India, he's gonna realise there's no such thing as a fair fight, 'cause I am gonna jump his big Tyrannosaurus-lookin' ass from behind, I'm gonna jump it from the side, I'm gonna jump it from any way I have to to leave his big carcass laying on the cement floor - just like he left me. But since he's not here this week, then Stone Cold Steve Austin and I have a little present for Buffalo, New York. You see, it's an early July 4th - the Texas boys gon' light up the NWO like a fireworks display. And Ric Flair, I don't care if you're on their side, I don't care if you're on our side. You see I really don't give a damn, Nature Boy, which side you're on - you get in our way tonight, we're gonna light your ass afire WITH THEM."

Meanwhile, Jazz does pushups! How provocative! Aww, she uses her knees - I take it back. Molly tries to get her attention. "Jazz - Jazz - Jazz - you're the WWF Women's Champion, and you're by far the toughest woman I've ever meant. But...are you crazy? Have you lost your mind, challenging Bubba Ray Dudley for the hardcore title? I mean, Bubba weighs two hundred pounds more than you do. And I don't know if you've ever been in the ring with Bubba, but I have. He put me through a table! Jazz you're tough, but you're not as tough as Bubba." She stops doing pushups...but doesn't say anything before leaving. "Then again, maybe you are."

And now to JONATHAN COACHMAN standing with Shawn Stasiak - but first we throw it to the entire match from last week. Tonight, he faces Brock Lesnar. Why? "Why is the question that you ask? Do you not think I'm up to the task in taking on the Next Big Thing? Coach, people are gonna realise this: that my world does not rotate on the same axis as the Earth in which you call home. Sure, my orbit's a little out of whack - and sure, big Brock Lesnar just happens to have a huge tattoo on his back. But all that pales in comparison to the mighty power of Planet Stasiak."

Meanwhile, Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman are WALKING!

After the ad break, it's time for the Slam of the Week, brought to you by 1-800-CAL-LATT - from last week, Brock Lesnar pretty much destroys Matt Hardy

BROCK LESNAR (Minneapolis, Minnesota - 295 pounds - with Paul Heyman) v. SHAWN STASIAK (Planet Stasiak - 261 pounds)
referee: JACK DOAN
WHOA LESNAR GAINED TWENTY POUNDS IN ONE WEEK!!!!!! Even Eddie Guerrero can't gain weight like that! Stasiak with a full head of steam - and takes down Lesnar! Right, right, left, right, Lesnar shoves him off. Stasiak with a waistlock takedown. Stasiak...runs into a spinebuster. Well that's it. Lesnar outside, and pulling Stasiak out of the ring and to the floor after him. Ouch, Stasiak's back hits the floor from the ring, that can't be good. Back to the post. And again. Back in the ring - shoulder in the gut, to the corner - shoulder - shoulder - shoulder - belly-to-belly - overhead suplex. Gutwrench suplex. Here's The Move With No Name. Powerbomb - I guess spinning twice before releasing makes it extra deadly. Doan calls it off as Stasiak is out. (ref stop 1:49)

In his zebra shirt, Flair talks TO ME on his cel phone: "Yeah, I'm refereeing tonight. Yeah, I'm gonna prove to Austin and the whole world that I'm tellin' the truth. Whoa, hey just a minute - (hangs up on me, damn him) hey Debra, how are you, hey I'm sorry to impose on you. Short notice, too. I just need a favour. I need you to carry the word to your husband, to carry the message from Ric Flair to Stone Cold Steve Austin that I'm tellin' the truth - he doesn't believe me, and I need you to help me make him believe me." "Is that the message, then?" "That's the message." "Well you know, it's funny, Ric...'cause when you wanted to see me, my husband wanted me to give you a message." "He did. What?" And she slaps him. "DTA - don't trust anybody. Bye." Flair says to nobody in particualr that he owns the company - this ain't right. Mongo is NOT mentioned.

UP NEXT: Stone Cold & Bradshaw vs. X-Pac & Scott Hall - and no, that's not a mannequin as the guest referee, it's just a nonmoving shot of Ric Flair!

WWF Forceable Entry CD ad

The Undertaker is walking! He walks up to Sergeant Slaughter, who's on a pay phone with me (but why is he calling me "Nicole?"). "May I help you?" Taker hangs up the phone. "Hey, what are you doing?" "Everything okay at home?" "Everything's fine." "Listen, you and Hogan - you two go back a long way, don't you?" "Yeah, we do." "You guys had a lotta matches together, didn't you?" "A lot of battles." "Lots of battles, lots of wars, huh." "Tough wars, yeah." "Yeah but through it all, somehow or another you two, ah...you two become friends, didn't ya." "Yeah, you could say that, we're - we're friends." "Got that mutual respect thing going, huh?" "Yeah. Lotta respect." "Well I'll tell you what. I want you to take a message to your friend Hogan. I want you to tell him Dead Man Inc.'s in the building. And in a few minutes, I'm gonna call him out to the ring. 'cause me and Mr. Hogan, we got a few things that we need to get straight. You take that message to Hogan." Taker lifts the phone receiver and starts to make a call. Slaughter juts his chin out - wait, he always looks like that. "You're dismissed, Slaughter." Taker chuckles to himself as Slaughter takes off...

special guest referee: RIC FLAIR (with RAW Credits - transmitido en espanol SAP - TV-14-DLV - and CC boxes)
X-PAC & SCOTT HALL (494 pounds - with 1-800-CAL-LATT presents Judgment Day!) v. BRADSHAW (Sweetwater, Texas - 292 pounds) and STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN (Victoria, Texas - 262 pounds)
Flair rubs his chin so as to continue to sell Debra's slap. Nobody wants to start on the NWO side, so Bradshaw grabs X-Pac and brings him in the hard way - we're on. Right, kick, forearm in the back, head to the buckel, knee, forearm in the back, chop, right, chop, knee, forearm in the back, shouldn't Flair count to five while they're in the corner?, oh well, now between the corners, Irish whip into the ropes, X-Pac ducks the clothesline but not the big boot, free shot for Hall, into the corner with X-Pac, opposite corner, clothesline follows, right hand, into the ropes, clothesline is ducked, 'Pac lands a heel kick. Tag to Hall. WHEN FALLAWAY SLAMS COLLIDE - Hall with a chop, open-handed slap, Bradshaw quickly switches positions in the corner, right, right, chop, chop, chop, into the ropes is reversed, shoudlertackle by Bradshaw, off the ropes with an elbowdrop, Flair slow to get there and Hall kicks out at 1. Bradshaw gives Flair a look - and tags in Austin. Hall backs off - test of strength time - knucklelock, kick by Austin, kick, kick, arm wringer, yankin' and crankin', Hall manages to take him to the corner...then looks back and asks Flair if he's going to ask them to break or not. Flair finally does. Hall tries to sneak in a punch but Austin blocks and pokes the eyes. Hall's head to the buckle, kick, kick, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp - no sign of a five count from Flair but finally he does make some noise - X-Pac tries to make a save, but Austin heads him off with a right hand and tosses him out. Lariat on Hall - Austin gets 1. Tag to Bradshaw - held open for the right hand, right, suplex, 1, 2, Hall kicks out. Head to the buckle by Bradshaw. Into the opposite corner, clothesline, BIG OL' SPIT by Hall. Ugly swinging neckbreaker by Bradshaw - 1, 2, no. Tag to Austin - held open for the kick, into the ropes, Hall manages a kneelift and tags in X-Pac...who runs into a clothesline. Austin with a death suplex on 'Pac. Into the corner, into the opposite corner and 'Pac hits hard. Another hard whip into the corner. Wow this crowd is dead. Austin makes a mocking timeout sign to X-Pac - crowd isn't even biting on the comedy bit. Big chop. Choke on the second rope - Flair FINALLY starts a five count. Knee, tag to Bradshaw. Bradshaw with a forearm in the back. 'Pac sat up top - Hall walks the apron but doesn't do anything - however, Bradshaw kept one eye on Hall, and may have taken a little too long being distracted, because 'Pac shoves him back to the middle, then leaps into a crossbody - which, of course, is caught so that Bradshaw can execute his Contractually Obligated Fallaway Slam. Bradshaw wants a powerbomb but Hall comes in to stop it - Austin comes in and Flair devotes all his energy to putting him back in his corner. Bradshaw pops Hall, but 'Pac gets a dropkick to the knee, then drags him back to his corner where Hall is in without a tag. Hall gets HIS fallaway slam, but only gets 2. Tag to X-Pac. Kick by X-Pac, kick, knee to the back of the knee, knee, knee, Flair starts a count when X-Pac holds onto the rope. Chop, chop, chop, into the ropes is reversed, 'Pac tries a heel kick off the ropes but Bradshaw catches him and throws him down. Both men are down - Flair actually starts a ten count! Bradshaw up at 7 - HOT TAG TO AUSTIN...AND THE CROWD GOES MILD! Austin with a right on 'Pac, right for Hall, right for 'Pac, 'Pac into the ropes, big back body drop - chop for Hall, into the ropes, Hall ducks the clothesline but that only means Austin hits the Austin Press. Six quick rights, off the ropes with the Up Yours elbow. 'Pac with a surprise clothesline, weak gutshot and better spin heel kick. 'Pac puts Austin into the ropes, no, reversal - spinebuster for 'Pac, spinebuster for Hall - KICK WHAM NO 'Pac shoves him off - Austin with a double clothesline on both NWO guys! Bradshaw decides he'd better get involved, grabbing Hall and putting his head into the corner. 'Pac reverses a whip but Austin hooks the ropes so the dropkick only finds air - Bradshaw kicks Hall out of the ring, so Flair decides he'd better get Bradshaw back in his corner; meanwhile, it's KICK WHAM STUNNER for 'Pac - leg is hooked and Flair moves over - 1, 2, Hall puts 'Pac's foot on the bottom rope and holds it there, 3, huh? (7:30) Flair walks up aisle, down and away and *damn* I'm confused. Austin got a grin out of it, at least.

UP NEXT: Undertaker SPEAKS!

"WWF Divas Tropical Pleasures" is the WWF Fanatic Series presentation for May!

Let Us Take You Back To Moments Ago - Several replays of the end of the match. Not ONCE does anybody mention that Hall illegally put 'Pac's foot on the rope in the first place so even if Flair HAD seen it....ohh my head hurts.

The NWO protests to Flair. "Great match! I'm sorry you guys lost!" Flair said the foot was never on the rope. "What, do you think I'm blind?" "Yeah!" "I'm starting to wonder. Let's get one thing straight, Flair. You're lucky you're the owner, because if you were wrestling, the NWO would take you out." "Yeah - just like the old days." "Be careful what you wish for - you might just get it. Now get the hell outta my office NOW!"

AWESOMETAKER rides out on His Beautiful Bourget Python Bike. As God is my witness, I do NOT know how he manages to get those staircases to rise up and stand on end just before he drives out. I'll lay odds that something awesome will be said in this segment - by me. Just kidding. "There's an old expression that goes 'the more things change, the more they stay the same.' And I guess that, I guess that goes for you, Hogan. Because I remember your first run here in the World Wrestling Federation. I remember how these people would get up on their chairs and scream. How small children in the red and yellow T-shirts would get up on their father's shoulders - just to get a glimpse at their hero. But Hogan, back in the day, do you remember what happened when I would come to the ring? All those smiles, all the laughter would be replaced by frowns and tears. Those small kids would get off their father's shoulders, hide behind his legs. They would hide there in fear, Hogan - just like you hide in fear when you think about facing me. Hogan, what you have to realise is I'm not like everybody else. I'm not like The Rock, I'm not like Triple H. I'm not awestruck by your presence, and I'm definitely not impressed with you. You know why? Because I beat you. And deep down, although you don't want to admit it, you know that I am better than you are now, better than when you were in your prime. Hogan knows the pain and the humiliation that I am capable of inflicting on anybody I choose. You've always known this, Hogan. And that's exactly why you ran off from the WWF the first time. Hogan, you knew if you stayed that I would hurt you. And you were right. Hogan wants no part of me. That's why he was so anxious for a rematch with Triple H - and that's probably why he'll lose at SmackDown! against Jericho. But Hogan, what you have to realise is that I can do much more than take your title...what I can do, Hogan, is take a living, breathing icon and beat him and batter him and leave him a bloody shell of a man. Hogan, you don't have to take my word for it, all you have to do is ask Ric Flair. There's a thought, Hogan, that you need to come to grips with. That thought is: when you come face to face with The Undertaker, the party is over. That's why, Hogan - that's why I hope you beat Jericho Thursday night. I want you to be the champion come Judgment Day. Hell, that's why I let you win at Backlash! Because I want to personally see the expressions on these people's faces when I destroy the legend that is Hulk Hogan. The most terrifying part about it is, Hogan - there's not a damn thing that you can do about it." Here comes YOU KNOW WHO to try to at least bring the sound of pins dropping into the HSBC Arena. Quick walk to the ring - they're nose to nose. Crowd works up a "Hogan" chant. Taker nods. "I can see it in your eyes, Hogan, you're ready to go, aren'tcha? You want a piece of me, don'tcha? I bet you even got something to say to me, don'tcha Hogan. Well let me let you save your breath, because I think I know what it is you want to say. Let me tell you what I'm gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on me." Taker draws closer. "I'm'o beat you down like the bitch you are." WHOA THERE IT IS, SOMETHING AWESOME - man I love the Undertaker. Hogan is happy to throw a right hand in response. RIP OFF THE SHIRT! Taker decides to step out of the ring and back up the ramp. Serve me up a second helping of Voodoo Chili!

UP NEXT: Jazz vs Bubba Ray Dudley for the Hardcore title!

SmackDown! ad - Hogan vs. Jericho with Sweeps on the line

Here's a Special Look at Lita on "Dark Angel" - apparently all filmed before she broke her neck. James Cameron wants to do her! Sure enough, there's a 'rana in the big fight scene

Lita on "Dark Angel" Friday at 8:30/7:30 - "check your local listings" means "we can't say FOX on this network." You know, I may be a cold-heared, mean (mark) callous statement making bastard, but compare me to Jim Ross hyping "the episode where Lita broke her neck in three places" and tell me it's all that different. Hmm?

JAZZ (Women's Champion - New Orleans, Louisiana) v. EARLIER TONIGHT

...Coachman interviewed Dudley. "Jazz. All guts...no brains. Sure, she's the Women's Champion, but she's got a long way to go before she could ever call herself hardcore. I mean, where has she been for the past three years? Does she know what I do to women in that ring? Does she have a clue? I don't think so. I tell you what, Coach - let's play a little game. Enough about Jazz for now. What do Molly Holly, Trish Stratus, Mae Young, and almost every woman in the WWF have in common?" "You've put them all through tables." "Correct-a-mundo, Einstein - but what I think you're REALLY trying to say is: every single one of them has tasted some of Bubba's wood. But you know what, I don't want this match tonight - I didn't ask for it - I don't want to go out there and beat up Jazz...but if it's wood she wants...then it's wood she's gonna get."

WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: JAZZ (challenger - already in the ring) v. BUBBA RAY DUDLEY (champion - Dudleyville - 325 pounds)
referee: CHAD PATTON
Jazz cuts off Dudley's entrance festivities with a forearm in the mush, another, another, whip attempt - doesn't happen. Again - no. Gutshot, gutshot, Dudley turns it around...and places her on the top turnbuckle - then blows her a kiss. Jazz doesn't like this and leaps on him with a sleeper - Dudley throws her over his shoulder and back to the mat. Dudley puts his hat back on. Jazz runs at him - lockup - arm wringer by Jazz, yankin' and crankin' - no effect. Dudley with an arm wringer, undoes it, does it again, then starts dancing to and fro with her. Jazz tries a clothesline and bounces off of him. Dudley goes into his white man routine. Jazz requests the test of strength. "Whaddaya got?" Dudley is skeptical but puts an arm up - too high. THey play the "which arm" game until Dudley goes into another dance routine, ending with a rump shaker in her direction. Jazz has had enough and kicks him in the jimmy. That's legal in this match. Jazz outside to look for weaponry. Trashcan in, pizza spatula...oh, it's a snow shovel? Okay - it's in. And Jazz comes back in with a lid. WHACK! WHACK! "That's why I'm the champ!" Dropkick to the lid, which Dudley helpfully holds in front of his face. Off the ropes with a legdrop - make it double. Hooks the leg - 1, 2, Dudley kicks out. Running kick - Dudley catches it, spins her round, hikes up her skirt and noshes on her booty. "Ha ha!" Jazz slaps him one. Jazz off the ropes - caught in a sidewalk slam. Dudley picks up the garbage can and makes a face...then puts the can over her head. Left, left, left, flip flop and fly and bionic elbow to the can. "Bubba, get the table!" Outside, table found, table in, Jazz only now getting out of the can. Table standing. Before he can finish, STEVIE RICHARDS has brought out a gee-tar and another referee - Dudley blocks the swing, gutshot, going for the powerbomb but Jazz grabs the shovel and waffles him. Richards waffles him with the gee-tar and covers - referee "Blind" Jack Doan in position - 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new hardcore champion. (4:03) Richards and Jazz run off, arm in arm. Well *there's* a how by yours, innit?

Mick Foley hosts the new season of "Robot Wars: Extreme Warriors!" He STILL can't touch Craig Charles!

The WWF Live needs YOU! Next week, RAW is Hartford! Then, RAW is Toronto and SOLD OUT! Two weeks from Friday is Louisville, Raleigh the next day, and then Nashville hosts Judgment Day!

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - mirth, mayhem and Lawler decides maybe it IS a pizza server after all - damn, I gotta stick with my intuition and not be swayed.

Coming back live, the pair make their way to their waiting car. "Yes! Did you see that? I'm hardcore! I'm hardcore! Look at this! Oh, this is great! This is great! Jazz, this is great! Lookit--" She shoves him to the passenger side. "I'm hardcore! I'm hardcore! Yeah!" They drive off!

To a monitor playing an episode the Hulk Hogan cartoon...we pull back to see William Regal surrounded by all sorts of 80s Hogan memorabilia. He makes a face and shakes his head. Is that even Hogan doing Hogan's voice? Regal pauses the tape. His music starts up to serve as a chilling background. "Quite disturbing, isn't it? Y'know, people are very passionate about things in their lives - some people are very passionate about religion; others about politics. It grieves me to say that there's an alarming group of people that are passionate about Hulk Hogan. These so-called Hulkamaniacs - they're the lowest form of the low, they're quite pathetic; I mean, why would you worship a man, I mean, who ponces around like a fifty pence tart in these feather boas? It's - it's disgusting. It was bad enough eighteen years ago when Hulk - Hulk Hogan and his Hulkamaniacs were running wild, but now in the year 2002, it's just quite sad. People buy this crap, you know - I mean, look at it. Look. I mean, they hang this on their walls. I mean, look, look, look, look at this, look, look, (puts cap on) ooh look at me, look at me, I'm a - I'm a Hulkamaniac, and I've got my silly little Hulk Hogan cup any my hat and my silly little doll and I look a complete bloody pillock! Why...I just don't understand, it's a travesty, that you people can't respect and follow someone like myself. I wish I could say it was just you pathetic Americans, but it's not - it's a worldwide phenomenon. I mean, you could...I mean, worship someone like me, someone with pride and dignity. Someone who speaks the Queen's English, someone who can finish a sentence without saying 'brother' at the end of it. That really gets on my bloody nerves, that one. Tonight, after I get Hulk Hogan in the ring for the very first time, things are going to change. Hulkamania will be running wild no more. So I'll direct this at you, Hogan, so you can understand it in your simple way. What are you going to see, when the Power of the Punch runs wild on thee? No, I don't think so.

Austin and Bradshaw drink beer. Here's Flair. "Hey Stone Cold. Did I prove myself? Did I make things right? Are we gonna forget about Backlash and what happened last week? Did I prove myself tonight?" "What?" "I said, did I prove myself tonight? Did I make things right for you and I?" "Did you make things right, you want - and you want me to forget about Backlash?" "Yeah!" "I'm not gonna forget about Backlash! Did you - did he prove something to you?" "Not a damn thing to me." "I didn't prove where I stand tonight with this company with you?" "No." "Man. Well let me tell you what I'm gonna do. If I didn't prove it tonight, then next week, six man tag action - you want The Big Show, right? It's gon' be The Big Show, the NWO, Scott Hall and X-Pac against Bradshaw, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and the Nature Boy Ric Flair, sixteen-time World Heavyweight Champion, next week, six man tag, woooo!" Bradshaw and Austin share a look.

Tough Enough 2 ad

The Rock's been on every show but SmackDown! of late - here's a compendium of video

WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: GOLDUST (challenger - Hollywood, California - 250 pounds - with Let Us Take You Back To Earlier Tonight) v. SPIKE DUDLEY (champion - Dudleyville - 150 pounds - with WWF in Pittsburgh hype)
referee: Patrick
Goldust tosses his wig at Spike - Spike puts it on and does some mocking, which doesn't make Goldust too happy. Spike in, Goldust out - Goldust slides back under and Goldust clotheslines him. Back in the ring, Goldust with a stomp. Into the ropes, clothesline. Right hand by Goldust. Into the ropes, head down, Spike takes it to the mat. But Spike runs into a knee. Goldust with a head to the buckle, head to the buckle, setting up Shattered Dreams, right hand, inhale, runs at him...but doesn't kick because it'd be a disqualification. He opts for the right hand instead, right, right, right. Patrick demands Goldust step back - while he frees Spike, BOOKER T runs out, gives Goldust the Harlem sidekick, and heads out. Spike applies the Dudley 'dog and covers for the 1, 2, 3. (1:42) T gets bleeped. Quick, move to

UP NEXT: Hollywood Hulk Hogan vs. William Regal!

"Stone Cold: What?" On video and DVD! Available tomorrow! It just may contain WCW footage!

Geez, it's ALREADY 11 - they didn't do all this hype for a "punch, punch, punch, big boot, legdrop, pin" special, did they?

Lita shills Stacker 2 - again

WWF Forceable Entry CD video snippet: Drowning Pool's "The Game"

WILLIAM REGAL (Blackpool, England - 240 pounds) v. HOLLYWOOD HULK HOGAN (Undisputed Champion - Hollywood, California - 280 pounds)
referee: EARL HEBNER
"Now hold on a minute, Hogan. Now look - before we get in there - into your form of barbarianism - why don't we act like civilised gentlemen? Come and join me for a spot of tea. Please - come down here and join me for a spot of tea." What the hell? There's a table laid out with tea service. We're ALREADY four minutes over. "It's wonderful stuff; my mother sent it over from England. Look." Hogan's out. "Milk, I presume? Please." Hogan looks to and fro. "Please!" Hogan takes the saucer. Regal takes a sip - so Hogan goes ahead and sips as well. "Now that wasn't too bad, was it?" Hogan spits his tea in Regal's face. WHAT THE HELL WAS THE FUCKING POINT OF THAT? Hogan whacks him with the silver tray, then upends the table on him. Regal into the steps. Right, adjust 'do rag, head to the table, head to the table, into the post, head to the barricade, knee, knee, knee, into the ring and FINALLY we're underway...I think. Regal begs off, Hogan mocks his begging off, right hand, adjust 'do rag, right, AWESOMETAKER from behind with a clothesline on Hogan - well, there we go. (No contest) Soupbone, soupbone, soupbone. In the corner - soupbone, soupbone, soupbone - soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, back elbow, uppercut, kick, into the opposite corner, Taker with a running start...and a clothesline. Stomp, stomp, man all that hard work Hogan did keeping his 'do rag just so and Taker just takes it off with one blow. Taker removes Hogan's weight belt and grabs the clasp, using it like women in self-defense classes are taught to use their keys - betwen their fingers for some heavy gouging. Taker advances - loaded soupbone! Make it three. "Hogan" chant isn't working. Another stab with the buckle. Taker whips Hogan with his own weight belt. Hogan's tapped a gusher. Whip! Stomp, stomp, stomp, whip, whip, Hogan pulls himself up - gutshot from Taker - and soupbone. Kick between the shoulderblades. Ewww blood. Another boot. Another whip. Hogan trying to jackhammer up - nope, Taker clotheslines him down. Taker chokes him with the weight belt. Taker chases off Hebner and goes back to work. Hogan's got the mask o' crimson. Choke applied....and there's the chokeslam. Taker really needs to tombstone him here but we probably won't get that - Taker's laying over Hogan and "Rollin'" is playing. Taker drapes the belt over Hogan as Ross says "executed" for the hundredth time. Credits are up and we're out.

Wow, they lied about the main event.

Now WHERE have I seen that before.........